My entire tenure as SD recapper thus far has the following statistics.
57,194
WORDS.
156 Word pages, font size 12.
316,211 characters, including spaces.
So excuse me if I am not
purely BRIMMING with enthusiasm, especially as last weeks SD was, quite honestly, the worst I have EVER recapped. And out
of 7,759 lines of text, that is, frankly, saying a lot. What I want this week is some actual storytelling, some feuds that
I care about, and some matches worth watching. Unfortunately, I am thinking that my chances average out at about the same
chance of Joe Merrick getting laid whilst on holiday. In other words, whilst he isn’t getting screwed, I most certainly
fucking am.
Speaking of getting screwed, the show opens with Teddy Long, being accompanied
by Krystal. And oh my God if she isn’t the finest thing on Smackdown. I mean, I heard that once, Renee Dupree saw Krystal
bend over to pick up her handbag, and hasn’t been able to get rid of his semi ever since. Anvil, ever the insider.
They
get into the ring, and Krystal introduces her man, ‘Teddy-licious.’ You are fucking kidding me! …I’m
not jealous. Seriously, anybody could be an ‘icious’. Infact, call me Anvilicious from now on. I mean it. Or else
I will accuse you of storing kiddy porn, and when the cops seize your computer, you won’t be able to read my shit for
weeks! And then where will you be? Eh? Eh?
Teddy Long confirms that the wedding will be aired on Smackdown on the 21’st
of September. I can’t help but imagine the honeymoon… this is not the first time I have been jealous of the happenings
in a black mans pants… erm… wha’?
They then kiss. I have used gargling my nan’s colostomy bag
as a comparison point before, but watching Teddy Long and Krystal kiss was a different level of disgusting. I mean, on a par
with watching my gran and my girlfriend make out. Whilst my mother stands above them naked. Gargling my nans colostomy bag.
None of this is said out of jealousy, by the way. Uh-uh. Not a bit.
…..fuck you.
Thankfully, The
Great Khali comes to the ring. Wow, there is a sentence that I never ever thought I would say. He grabs a mic, and shouts
at Teddy for a while, before scaring Krystal out of the ring. But have no fear, fans, because I promise you that before tonight
is over, I will have made at least one joke about entering Krystals ring myself. And there it goes. Blink and you miss it.
Khali hands the mic to the guy who looks like the guy from Goodness Gracious Me who is convinced that everything comes
from India (a little reference for the English readers there,) and he translates what Khali just said. Except for the fact
that he mentions Batista three times, and unless the Indian for Batista is ’BLEEEUGHKACHMACH’, Khali never mentioned
the guy once. Some fucking translator.
Teddy is pissed and makes it official; Khali vs. Batista at Summerslam. Oooh,
I can’t wait for that deserving Batista to get his seventh shot at the title. He truly deserves it after losing six
different title matches. He totally qualifies as number one contender. And if you don’t believe me, ask the Yes Men
in the back.
Me:- So, you think Batista deserves another shot?
Yesmen:- Oooh, yes!
Me:- Even though he lost
a bunch of times in mostly tedious matches?
Yesmen:- Oooh yes!
Me:- Even though Paul Heyman himself says that he thinks
it is a really good idea?
Yesmen:- Erm…. Erm… (Each of their heads explode)
Me:- Heh. Losers.
Kane
enters and we go to break. And if you are all wondering why Kane isn’t disputing the fact that he hasn’t been
offered another title shot, do the maths. Kane only lost once! That would make WAAAY too much sense.
Match One:- Kane vs. Chris Masters.
So at the moment, Kane is in a slump in which he is back to defeating
glorified jobbers without rhyme or reason. Five years ago they would already have had an intertwining storyline plotted out
so that Kane could go directly into another feud that made perfect sense. Instead we get Masters. Which sums up all of my
problems in one fell swoop.
The match actually starts off well, with both of these guys hitting their power moves,
at a good pace, looking strong. The psychology is that both men rely on their strength, but Kane is the wily veteran. So Chris
Masters is trying to end the match ASAP with the Masterlock, and Kane, for the most part, works on Masters arm so as to weaken
the overall effect of Masters’ killer full nelson. A strong, basic psychology which already makes this match more enjoyable
than it should be.
Unfortunately, these days Kane is so worn down that he can’t take a pretty bump, and both
men seem quite tired a few minutes in, and so the pace slows, weakening a surprisingly good match.
The finish sees
Kane come off the top rope for the clothesline, but being caught in the Masterlock. HA! That will teach you for landing on
your feet! Not exactly using your body as a weapon if you are back on your vertical base by the time you land it, is it? Not
quite a Rana, or a Plancha, is it? Kane manages to get to the ropes, and then hit’s a meaty looking choke slam for the
win.
Winner:- Kane.
The Greasers are backstage, and BOY are these guys ugly. One of them looks like The
Vulture. (A reference for the comic book geeks out there. I’m on a roll baby!) They talk about Cherry’s crush
on Batista. Just accuse him of sexual harrassment! It worked so well for Melina! What do you mean the angle was dropped for
being in bad taste? Oh fine. Accuse him of paedophilia.
Match 2:- Mark Henry vs. Some
Guy.
Is this guy called Niggersun!? Fuck, if he is called Niggersun, he’s in the ring with the wrong self
proclaimed silver-back gorilla. Which, of course, isn’t HALF as racially discriminative as being called Niggersun. Insensitive
prick.
Oh, he’s called Nickerson. Mark Henry kills him anyway. Squash.
Winner:- Mark Henry.
Mark
Henry says some stuff on the mic, and shows a video. Unfortunately, I am too distracted by my thoughts of Mark Henry NOT talking
to actually hear him. Oh, those sweet, sweet thoughts.
Q:- Why doesn’t Mark Henry ride with other Wrestlers
when on the road?
A:- Because he doesn’t want to be pulled over and accused of drug taking.
Personally, if
I was a wrestler. I would be the one not wanting to ride with Mark Henry. Big black guy? Sweating profusely at the sight of
cops? In an expensive looking car? Being all black and shit? That’s just bait, surely.
Another one of those
awful Jesse and Festus clips. The WWE already has one fucking retard, Festus. Stop stealing Steph’s gimmick.
Arm-wrestling contest:- MVP vs. Matt Hardy.
Matt has to stand in the ring for ages whilst
they inflate MVP’s bouncy castle. Because without it he will cwy and cwy and cwy. On the way to the ring, MVP does Randy
Orton’s pose. Didn’t Orton do the ‘swish’ on Raw?? Serious question:- What the hell is going on with
those two? I mean, jeez, they are like Vice Versa’s.
MVP comically stalls for FIVE MINUTES here. And yes, it
was actually funny. First, he takes off his belt. Then his glasses. Then he comically wraps his leg around the table, to which
the Ref cajoles him, all the while JBL shouts, ‘it was an honest mistake, he didn’t know!’. He then pulls
away to tape his hand. That being done, it’s time… but then it isn’t, MVP says the tape is too tight, and
takes the tape BACK off, and now JBL is saying something about tape-on, tape-off, and quotes Mr Miyagi. Heh, great stuff.
Finally, MVP has nothing else to possibly waste time on… until he decides to powder his hand. AHAAAHAAA! The audience
are giving this major heat, but the good kind, and it’s getting to be like Sideshow Bob walking into those rakes. (Simpsons
reference for… well… everybody there. Fuck, I am a reference machine tonight)
Surely this is it this time?
Nope. MVP needs a warm-up. He gets a tennis ball to squeeze, but Matt grabs his hand and the Arm-Wrestle is a go. JBL comically
shout’s ‘he wasn’t ready!’. THIS is how you build a midcard feud, ladies and gentlemen. Basic stuff,
all competition based, with a wrestler having to earn his shot. A few comic skits, a few serious skits, lots of mic time,
and some good fights. I can’t fault this.
Matt wins the arm wrestle, but, as I live and breath, he lifted his
arm. The replay shows this clearer. Matt DEFINITELY lifted his arm. Regardless, MVP rolls out of the ring and challenges Matt
for a match right now. And I can‘t help but be saddened that a predetermined Arm Wrestle has been one of the most entertaining
things on SD in a few weeks. How very very sad.
Matt Hardy vs. MVP
GREAT
little match, with a brilliant bit of psychology. MVP is favouring the arm that Matt slammed down during the arm wrestle,
so Matt works the arm all match. MVP throws a punch, Matt blocks it with his fore-arms, MVP whimpers like a girl. Eventually,
MVP gets an advantage and kicks Mstt in the head as he is on… all fours… on the… now COME ON! I am pretty
sure now that this is just the Randy Orton Minstrel show. What in the fuck is going on between those two?
Anyway,
the finish sees Matt best MVP again when he looks to hit the Twist of Fate, and MVP does the proverbial runner. Matt Hardy
wins via count-out. If he doesn’t have a title match via Summerslam, I swear upon the holies of bibles that I will eat
my breakfast. Hey, fuck you, I don’t own a hat.
Winner:- Matt.
This is taking way too long tonight.
Let’s blast through a bit.
AHA! Perfect timing! Deuce finds Cherry coming out of Batista’s locker room.
Did I make a Cherry popping joke last week? Yes? Lame.
Shannon Moore and Funaki take the piss out of Jamie Noble for
losing to the only guy shorter than him in the Dub. Which is kind of like that time Edge had a go at that Football player
for taking steroids. Or like when I made a joke about black people having huge penis’ earlier. Ridiculously hypocritical.
Noble vs. Shannon Moore tonight. Hornswoggle is in a bin like Oscar the Grouch, as JBL points out. If he is looking for his
shoe, he left it on the ramp last week. Stupid fucker.
Chavo boasts to Vickie about having made Rey say ‘I Quit’,
and says he could make him do it again when he returns. Vickie says something, but unfortunately, the noise is muffled by
her teeth. Shit, she needs to go see Bugs Bunny’s speech therapist, promptly. Chavo vs. Rey at Summerslam. Don’t
put any money on Chavo.
This blasting through lark is fun! NEXT!
Shannon Moore vs. Jamie Noble
Nothing
interesting happens! HAAAHAA! NEXT!
Winner:- Jamie Noble.
Okay, I’ll stop. Is it me, or are cruiserweights
not as fun as they used to be? I miss the spotfests.
Jamie Noble turns round, and who should be staring at him? Hornswoggle!
Jamie chases him but gets caught in the apron, and Hornswoggle produces… a pie. A fucking pie. Jamie Noble gets pied.
Tonight, he will stand in the shower in tears, unable to wash away the marks left on him. He will never be clean again, and
he will know it, and he will weep. For tonight, he has been raped. Raped of the last remaining shreds of his dignity. He got
PIED.
He then stumbles to the other side of the ring, where Hornswoggle sprays him in the leg with a fire extinguisher.
He, of course, falls over. Hey, if he’s willing to sell for a midget, don’t be surprised when he sells for foam
and air!
I hope Vince fires Noble tomorrow, and as he leaves the door, Vince shouts to him, ‘But we got you good
right?’. He’ll then go over to TNA and win the title.
Jimmy Wang Yang w. Torrie
still. Vs. Kenny Dykstra w. Victoria still.
Is this a feud? No, seriously, I’m confused. Is this now
a rivalry? I take it the women are using the men to prove which woman is… erm… dominant in the ring. As opposed
to just, you know, wrestling each other. Wait, what?
Anyway, these two are starting to put together something nice
and cozy now, with the story being that Kenny is annoyed at being beaten last week, and is out for revenge. Not that you would
know it until the last two minutes, but there are a few nice spots, including Victoria taking cheap shots whilst Wang Yang
is in the tree of woe, and Kenny flying through the air into a well placed knee that looked quite fucking devastating actually.
The finish sees JWY go for that moonsault, but Kenny has revised since last week and crotches him. Unfortunately, he goes
for the super backdrop, eats an elbow, and winds up being snapped back and pinned by the moonsault again.
Winner:-
Wang Yang. Nice to see Kenny getting more vocal and aggressive in the ring. He could be very good one day.
Quick clip
of Michelle McCool loving life. Yeah? Well I love being sucked off, so put your mouth around that and do something worthwhile
with that life you love so much. Bloody waddling around on a beach. Waste of blowjob-time.
And now for our main event
of the evening! Not that you would know it because those talent less greasers are in it!
Batista
and Flair vs. Deuce and Domino.
I don’t know what to say about this match. It was so by-the-numbers that
I was predicting the next MOVE and getting it right. Batista came in with a head of steam. Tagged Flair, who did well for
a while, then found himself cornered by the champs, whose offence looked like they had been taught to wrestle by me. Flair
eventually got the hot tag, and Batista looked great until Khali came out. Then Deuce and Domino, I THINK, tried to hit the
Total Elimination, but hell, they screwed that RIGHT the fuck up. So much so that I can’t even tell if that is what
they were trying to do. They then got disqualified for double teaming! Why not just have Khali get them disqualified? Or was
that the plan, but he took so long waddling to the ring like Pingu (a reference for the Kiddies there) that they scrapped
it? Because now everybody looks like a bunch of cunts (a word for the kiddies to ask their mummies about there. It is pronounced
how it is written, kids!)
Anyway, Ric Flair attacks Khali, and he applies the Claw, to the complete awe of JBL and
Cole.
JBL:- I dunno where he picked that up.
Cole:- Now that he has added the claw to his moveset, who can stop
him?
ACTUAL QUOTES!
Me:- Oh yes, now The Great Khali has FOUR moves in his arsenal! Each of them more lacklustre
than the other! Each of them seen as a finisher at one point or another because everyone was astonished that he could figure
out how to PUT HIS HAND ON SOMEBODY’S HEAD AND SQUEEZE! Who could have possibly ever taught him the intricacies of THE
FUCKING CLAW!!
In fairness, it was technically sound. He did have a finger on each of Flair’s temples. Khali’s
Claw > Cena’s STFU.
Flair passes out, end of show.
Stored In The Swagbag:-
Much, much better week, highlighted by MVP and Hardy yet again.
Condemned to the
Dungeon:- The Main Event, that horrible kiss, and the shaming of Noble. These are the things I could live without.
For the record, this takes my tally to 59,910 Words right… about… now!
