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SmackDown Rant Archive (August 2007)

August 03, 2007
August 10, 2007
August 24, 2007
August 31, 2007

Lowdown on SmackDown! by The Anvil's Swagbag (08/03/07)

My entire tenure as SD recapper thus far has the following statistics.

57,194 WORDS.

156 Word pages, font size 12.

316,211 characters, including spaces.

So excuse me if I am not purely BRIMMING with enthusiasm, especially as last weeks SD was, quite honestly, the worst I have EVER recapped. And out of 7,759 lines of text, that is, frankly, saying a lot. What I want this week is some actual storytelling, some feuds that I care about, and some matches worth watching. Unfortunately, I am thinking that my chances average out at about the same chance of Joe Merrick getting laid whilst on holiday. In other words, whilst he isn’t getting screwed, I most certainly fucking am.
Speaking of getting screwed, the show opens with Teddy Long, being accompanied by Krystal. And oh my God if she isn’t the finest thing on Smackdown. I mean, I heard that once, Renee Dupree saw Krystal bend over to pick up her handbag, and hasn’t been able to get rid of his semi ever since. Anvil, ever the insider.

They get into the ring, and Krystal introduces her man, ‘Teddy-licious.’ You are fucking kidding me! …I’m not jealous. Seriously, anybody could be an ‘icious’. Infact, call me Anvilicious from now on. I mean it. Or else I will accuse you of storing kiddy porn, and when the cops seize your computer, you won’t be able to read my shit for weeks! And then where will you be? Eh? Eh?

Teddy Long confirms that the wedding will be aired on Smackdown on the 21’st of September. I can’t help but imagine the honeymoon… this is not the first time I have been jealous of the happenings in a black mans pants… erm… wha’?

They then kiss. I have used gargling my nan’s colostomy bag as a comparison point before, but watching Teddy Long and Krystal kiss was a different level of disgusting. I mean, on a par with watching my gran and my girlfriend make out. Whilst my mother stands above them naked. Gargling my nans colostomy bag. None of this is said out of jealousy, by the way. Uh-uh. Not a bit.

…..fuck you.

Thankfully, The Great Khali comes to the ring. Wow, there is a sentence that I never ever thought I would say. He grabs a mic, and shouts at Teddy for a while, before scaring Krystal out of the ring. But have no fear, fans, because I promise you that before tonight is over, I will have made at least one joke about entering Krystals ring myself. And there it goes. Blink and you miss it.

Khali hands the mic to the guy who looks like the guy from Goodness Gracious Me who is convinced that everything comes from India (a little reference for the English readers there,) and he translates what Khali just said. Except for the fact that he mentions Batista three times, and unless the Indian for Batista is ’BLEEEUGHKACHMACH’, Khali never mentioned the guy once. Some fucking translator.

Teddy is pissed and makes it official; Khali vs. Batista at Summerslam. Oooh, I can’t wait for that deserving Batista to get his seventh shot at the title. He truly deserves it after losing six different title matches. He totally qualifies as number one contender. And if you don’t believe me, ask the Yes Men in the back.

Me:- So, you think Batista deserves another shot?
Yesmen:- Oooh, yes!
Me:- Even though he lost a bunch of times in mostly tedious matches?
Yesmen:- Oooh yes!
Me:- Even though Paul Heyman himself says that he thinks it is a really good idea?
Yesmen:- Erm…. Erm… (Each of their heads explode)
Me:- Heh. Losers.

Kane enters and we go to break. And if you are all wondering why Kane isn’t disputing the fact that he hasn’t been offered another title shot, do the maths. Kane only lost once! That would make WAAAY too much sense.

Match One:- Kane vs. Chris Masters.

So at the moment, Kane is in a slump in which he is back to defeating glorified jobbers without rhyme or reason. Five years ago they would already have had an intertwining storyline plotted out so that Kane could go directly into another feud that made perfect sense. Instead we get Masters. Which sums up all of my problems in one fell swoop.

The match actually starts off well, with both of these guys hitting their power moves, at a good pace, looking strong. The psychology is that both men rely on their strength, but Kane is the wily veteran. So Chris Masters is trying to end the match ASAP with the Masterlock, and Kane, for the most part, works on Masters arm so as to weaken the overall effect of Masters’ killer full nelson. A strong, basic psychology which already makes this match more enjoyable than it should be.

Unfortunately, these days Kane is so worn down that he can’t take a pretty bump, and both men seem quite tired a few minutes in, and so the pace slows, weakening a surprisingly good match.

The finish sees Kane come off the top rope for the clothesline, but being caught in the Masterlock. HA! That will teach you for landing on your feet! Not exactly using your body as a weapon if you are back on your vertical base by the time you land it, is it? Not quite a Rana, or a Plancha, is it? Kane manages to get to the ropes, and then hit’s a meaty looking choke slam for the win.

Winner:- Kane.

The Greasers are backstage, and BOY are these guys ugly. One of them looks like The Vulture. (A reference for the comic book geeks out there. I’m on a roll baby!) They talk about Cherry’s crush on Batista. Just accuse him of sexual harrassment! It worked so well for Melina! What do you mean the angle was dropped for being in bad taste? Oh fine. Accuse him of paedophilia.

Match 2:- Mark Henry vs. Some Guy.

Is this guy called Niggersun!? Fuck, if he is called Niggersun, he’s in the ring with the wrong self proclaimed silver-back gorilla. Which, of course, isn’t HALF as racially discriminative as being called Niggersun. Insensitive prick.

Oh, he’s called Nickerson. Mark Henry kills him anyway. Squash.

Winner:- Mark Henry.

Mark Henry says some stuff on the mic, and shows a video. Unfortunately, I am too distracted by my thoughts of Mark Henry NOT talking to actually hear him. Oh, those sweet, sweet thoughts.

Q:- Why doesn’t Mark Henry ride with other Wrestlers when on the road?
A:- Because he doesn’t want to be pulled over and accused of drug taking.

Personally, if I was a wrestler. I would be the one not wanting to ride with Mark Henry. Big black guy? Sweating profusely at the sight of cops? In an expensive looking car? Being all black and shit? That’s just bait, surely.

Another one of those awful Jesse and Festus clips. The WWE already has one fucking retard, Festus. Stop stealing Steph’s gimmick.

Arm-wrestling contest:- MVP vs. Matt Hardy.

Matt has to stand in the ring for ages whilst they inflate MVP’s bouncy castle. Because without it he will cwy and cwy and cwy. On the way to the ring, MVP does Randy Orton’s pose. Didn’t Orton do the ‘swish’ on Raw?? Serious question:- What the hell is going on with those two? I mean, jeez, they are like Vice Versa’s.

MVP comically stalls for FIVE MINUTES here. And yes, it was actually funny. First, he takes off his belt. Then his glasses. Then he comically wraps his leg around the table, to which the Ref cajoles him, all the while JBL shouts, ‘it was an honest mistake, he didn’t know!’. He then pulls away to tape his hand. That being done, it’s time… but then it isn’t, MVP says the tape is too tight, and takes the tape BACK off, and now JBL is saying something about tape-on, tape-off, and quotes Mr Miyagi. Heh, great stuff. Finally, MVP has nothing else to possibly waste time on… until he decides to powder his hand. AHAAAHAAA! The audience are giving this major heat, but the good kind, and it’s getting to be like Sideshow Bob walking into those rakes. (Simpsons reference for… well… everybody there. Fuck, I am a reference machine tonight)

Surely this is it this time? Nope. MVP needs a warm-up. He gets a tennis ball to squeeze, but Matt grabs his hand and the Arm-Wrestle is a go. JBL comically shout’s ‘he wasn’t ready!’. THIS is how you build a midcard feud, ladies and gentlemen. Basic stuff, all competition based, with a wrestler having to earn his shot. A few comic skits, a few serious skits, lots of mic time, and some good fights. I can’t fault this.

Matt wins the arm wrestle, but, as I live and breath, he lifted his arm. The replay shows this clearer. Matt DEFINITELY lifted his arm. Regardless, MVP rolls out of the ring and challenges Matt for a match right now. And I can‘t help but be saddened that a predetermined Arm Wrestle has been one of the most entertaining things on SD in a few weeks. How very very sad.

Matt Hardy vs. MVP

GREAT little match, with a brilliant bit of psychology. MVP is favouring the arm that Matt slammed down during the arm wrestle, so Matt works the arm all match. MVP throws a punch, Matt blocks it with his fore-arms, MVP whimpers like a girl. Eventually, MVP gets an advantage and kicks Mstt in the head as he is on… all fours… on the… now COME ON! I am pretty sure now that this is just the Randy Orton Minstrel show. What in the fuck is going on between those two?

Anyway, the finish sees Matt best MVP again when he looks to hit the Twist of Fate, and MVP does the proverbial runner. Matt Hardy wins via count-out. If he doesn’t have a title match via Summerslam, I swear upon the holies of bibles that I will eat my breakfast. Hey, fuck you, I don’t own a hat.

Winner:- Matt.

This is taking way too long tonight. Let’s blast through a bit.

AHA! Perfect timing! Deuce finds Cherry coming out of Batista’s locker room. Did I make a Cherry popping joke last week? Yes? Lame.

Shannon Moore and Funaki take the piss out of Jamie Noble for losing to the only guy shorter than him in the Dub. Which is kind of like that time Edge had a go at that Football player for taking steroids. Or like when I made a joke about black people having huge penis’ earlier. Ridiculously hypocritical. Noble vs. Shannon Moore tonight. Hornswoggle is in a bin like Oscar the Grouch, as JBL points out. If he is looking for his shoe, he left it on the ramp last week. Stupid fucker.

Chavo boasts to Vickie about having made Rey say ‘I Quit’, and says he could make him do it again when he returns. Vickie says something, but unfortunately, the noise is muffled by her teeth. Shit, she needs to go see Bugs Bunny’s speech therapist, promptly. Chavo vs. Rey at Summerslam. Don’t put any money on Chavo.

This blasting through lark is fun! NEXT!

Shannon Moore vs. Jamie Noble

Nothing interesting happens! HAAAHAA! NEXT!

Winner:- Jamie Noble.

Okay, I’ll stop. Is it me, or are cruiserweights not as fun as they used to be? I miss the spotfests.

Jamie Noble turns round, and who should be staring at him? Hornswoggle! Jamie chases him but gets caught in the apron, and Hornswoggle produces… a pie. A fucking pie. Jamie Noble gets pied. Tonight, he will stand in the shower in tears, unable to wash away the marks left on him. He will never be clean again, and he will know it, and he will weep. For tonight, he has been raped. Raped of the last remaining shreds of his dignity. He got PIED.

He then stumbles to the other side of the ring, where Hornswoggle sprays him in the leg with a fire extinguisher. He, of course, falls over. Hey, if he’s willing to sell for a midget, don’t be surprised when he sells for foam and air!

I hope Vince fires Noble tomorrow, and as he leaves the door, Vince shouts to him, ‘But we got you good right?’. He’ll then go over to TNA and win the title.

Jimmy Wang Yang w. Torrie still. Vs. Kenny Dykstra w. Victoria still.

Is this a feud? No, seriously, I’m confused. Is this now a rivalry? I take it the women are using the men to prove which woman is… erm… dominant in the ring. As opposed to just, you know, wrestling each other. Wait, what?

Anyway, these two are starting to put together something nice and cozy now, with the story being that Kenny is annoyed at being beaten last week, and is out for revenge. Not that you would know it until the last two minutes, but there are a few nice spots, including Victoria taking cheap shots whilst Wang Yang is in the tree of woe, and Kenny flying through the air into a well placed knee that looked quite fucking devastating actually. The finish sees JWY go for that moonsault, but Kenny has revised since last week and crotches him. Unfortunately, he goes for the super backdrop, eats an elbow, and winds up being snapped back and pinned by the moonsault again.

Winner:- Wang Yang. Nice to see Kenny getting more vocal and aggressive in the ring. He could be very good one day.

Quick clip of Michelle McCool loving life. Yeah? Well I love being sucked off, so put your mouth around that and do something worthwhile with that life you love so much. Bloody waddling around on a beach. Waste of blowjob-time.

And now for our main event of the evening! Not that you would know it because those talent less greasers are in it!

Batista and Flair vs. Deuce and Domino.

I don’t know what to say about this match. It was so by-the-numbers that I was predicting the next MOVE and getting it right. Batista came in with a head of steam. Tagged Flair, who did well for a while, then found himself cornered by the champs, whose offence looked like they had been taught to wrestle by me. Flair eventually got the hot tag, and Batista looked great until Khali came out. Then Deuce and Domino, I THINK, tried to hit the Total Elimination, but hell, they screwed that RIGHT the fuck up. So much so that I can’t even tell if that is what they were trying to do. They then got disqualified for double teaming! Why not just have Khali get them disqualified? Or was that the plan, but he took so long waddling to the ring like Pingu (a reference for the Kiddies there) that they scrapped it? Because now everybody looks like a bunch of cunts (a word for the kiddies to ask their mummies about there. It is pronounced how it is written, kids!)

Anyway, Ric Flair attacks Khali, and he applies the Claw, to the complete awe of JBL and Cole.

JBL:- I dunno where he picked that up.
Cole:- Now that he has added the claw to his moveset, who can stop him?


Me:- Oh yes, now The Great Khali has FOUR moves in his arsenal! Each of them more lacklustre than the other! Each of them seen as a finisher at one point or another because everyone was astonished that he could figure out how to PUT HIS HAND ON SOMEBODY’S HEAD AND SQUEEZE! Who could have possibly ever taught him the intricacies of THE FUCKING CLAW!!

In fairness, it was technically sound. He did have a finger on each of Flair’s temples. Khali’s Claw > Cena’s STFU.

Flair passes out, end of show.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Much, much better week, highlighted by MVP and Hardy yet again.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- The Main Event, that horrible kiss, and the shaming of Noble. These are the things I could live without.

For the record, this takes my tally to 59,910 Words right… about… now!

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by The Anvil's Swagbag (08/10/07)
Here I am again, making Smackdown bearable for TWF readers.

Batista vs. Domino.

And I thought I had put a lacklustre effort into my opener this week! Shit, I know I’d rather read a ten word sentence which basically sings my own praises than have to watch this. AGAIN. Unfortunately, I am put in a situation where I have to do BOTH. You fuckers owe me.

There is no point going into detail here, because if you don’t know what’s going to happen, you are probably an inanimate object. My guess would be a lamp. Shit, even my LAMP said ‘surely the big guy is gonna win’. And he isn’t even a wrestling FAN!!

Batista beats up on the greaser for, ooh, a good while, and then hits a lacklustre Batista Bomb for the win. He couldn’t even be arsed to hit that properly. If you look up ‘Batista’ in the dictionary, the picture next to it is of Anna Nicole’s cunt. Which should be rotted away by now, but miraculously still looks exactly how it did when she croaked! Will miracles never cease?

Winner:- Have a fucking guess, dickwad.

Khali does his claw on a camera. It doesn’t crumble under his grip or anything. And back home in native Punjab, two thousand people run for the hills, scared that Khali is about to come out of their single, dusty old TV set. Those silly punjabs.

If the show continues like this, this could be the shortest SD rant ever!

Unfortunately, it doesn’t. Because now, something entertaining happens. Yes, I’m actually annoyed that something entertaining happened. FUCK YOU.

Chimmel is in the ring, and he calls out… a returning Rey Mysterio! Who has grown a few inches and lost a little of that steroid muscle mass and indeed lost some of hi…. Wait a minute! That’s not Rey Rey returning early and blowing a big pay-off at Summerslam! That’s Chavo Guerrero! Kick him back over the border! And yes, I am very aware that I have often requested that Rey Rey be kicked over the border too! I’m flakey like that! EXCLAMATION MARK!!

Chavo enters doing a great Rey impression, and the crowd are going wild. Then he starts to talk about how great Chavo is, and you can literally hear the cogs turning within the brains of the live fans, like ‘waaaaaaaaaait a minute….’. I never claimed that Wrestling fans were clever. Chavo, as Rey, says he is worried that Chavo, not as Rey, will end his career for good at Summerslam. This is gold, by the way.

Match 2:- Rey Guerrero vs. Eugene.

JBL rips the shit out of Cole for going crazy when Chavo entered. Eugene looks confused. Doesn’t really surprise me. That’s like saying that Muhammed Ali looks ‘a little shakey’.

Chavo then hits all of those ‘Rey’ regulars that we loved at first but then got bored of, the hurricanrana, the springboard ‘ass to face’, all of that shit. He then sets up for the 619, and… falls through the ropes. AHAAAHAAAHAAA! Fucking brilliant. Chavo flips and throws the mask off in disgust, and Eugene, finally realising that it is Chavo, tards up.


Eugene then goes for all of those Chavo regulars that he blatently ripped off when his uncle died, the Amigo’s, the Gory Special, all of that shit. He then goes for a frogsplash, misses, and Chavo hits one for the win. And that, my friends, is fucking great TV.

Winner:- Chavo. Another reason I hate it when entertaining things happen on Raw is the realisation that, as you watch it, this is the last time that you are REALLY going to enjoy the show tonight. And I can’t even describe the feeling of horror that this brings to the pit of my stomach as I imagine the Flair vs Khali main event. UGH.

Michelle McCool rips the piss out of Kenny and Victoria for making out. I say good on the lad, he’s pretty much the same age as me and making out with Victoria. THE DYKE just earned himself a new fan. McCool says, ‘why have one man when you can have all of them’. AMEN TO THAT SISTER! PREACH! PREACH! And when you are done preaching, prove that you ain’t all talk, and come suckle my penis.

Match 3:- Mark Henry vs. Jobber Number Four.

I mean COME on! There are only so many ‘Henry is fat, Henry is black’ jokes that I can make whilst he pounds on another jobber. Even me!

Mark Henry wins with a cuddle.

Winner:- Henry.

He then does his bit about being a silverback yadda yadda, and shows the video of him decimating Taker again… only this time, the video shows Taker rising from the dead again and again and again. That’s right, Dub. Remind us how repetitive and boring this storyline that you are rehashing AGAIN is. BOREDOM = BUYRATES. The squeaky girl squeaks about Unforgiven.

A DRUID then walks down to the ring, and what does he leave behind him. A trail of dust. Well there’s one way to scare a man!

Mark Henry:- No. Oh god no. NOT DUST! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

What the fuck kind of intimidation tactic is that!? I mean, how is that gonna scare him in the slightest? Are they going to reveal that Mark Henry has OCD? Is he gonna feel the need to SWEEP UP now whenever he hears a gong? FUCKING HELL.

And as if the Dub feels the need to piss me off more, here is Torrie Wilson in a wrestling match.

Match 4:- Victoria vs Torrie.

Victoria, for some reason, is dressed as Spider Woman. Which is ironic really, as I’d willingly spray a sticky liquid all over Victoria.

Boobs, boobs, boobs.

Winner:- Vickie.

Michelle McCool runs in to help Torrie.

Boobs, boobs.

MVP time! He is on the moniter in a suit. He claims that the only reason Matt beat him was that he needed heart surgery. HA! He says he is a REAL man and will return, from heart surgery, next week. AHAAAHAA. Brilliant. I LOVE MVP.

Match 5, and our first REAL non-squash of the evening:- Finlay vs. Matt Hardy.

Brilliant. Finlay basically spends the whole match POUNDING on Matt’s shoulder, and Matt spends the whole match selling it. Wrestling 101, kiddies, wrestling 10fucking1. Nice little spot sees Matt go for the Yodelling Legdrop, and Finlay pulls him off the second rope, wrenching the shoulder. Matt all but lands on it, and its funny how something as inoffensive can look so goddamn painful if sold right.

And then it all goes to shit. Out comes Noble. Hornswoggle runs away. Noble follows. Finlay follows Noble. Matt wins by countout. Say WHA??

Winner:- Matt. And no matter how much they shove count-outs down our throat, no matter how much they forcefeed them to us, people will STILL never buy them as a worthy finish. What a crock.

Backstage, Finlay bellows at Noble whilst Funaki and Moore watch on in glee. Finlay knocks Noble’s drink out of his hand… right into Kane. Kane beats the holy shit out of Finlay. DEAR GOD, now they are rehashing storylines that they did a couple of WEEKS ago! Carlito and Lashley are sat at home, thinking, ‘… this looks familiar… is it the same damn SCRIPT??’

Match 6:- Kane vs. Sylvan.

Oooh, look, another squash! Exactly what the audience wants. I think Vince is taking this Hogan rivalry way too far.

Vince:- What could we do this week to REALLY wind him up?
Agent:- Gosh, Vince, I dunno, we have all but exhausted our options.
Vince:- I GOT IT! Have every upper card wrestler put in a Hogan style squash! That’ll really wind him up!
Agent:- Sir, Hogan matches always sucke…
Vince:- JUST DO IT!

Sylvan says something in French. JBL says that it was ‘I Surrender’. HA! Brilliant.

Oh, and then Kane kills him.

Winner:- Kane.

Finlay runs in and kills Kane with the shilleighleighleigh. I’m okay with this, Finlay should carry Kane to a good match.

Vickie gives Teddy an early wedding present. Viagra. Teddy says it will help him rise to the occasion. Then Mae Young enters in a thong and nothing else, and Mean Gene comes and fucks her in the ass, all the while plugging the WCW Hotline.

Masters comes out with the Masterlock challenge. Oh, fuck this shit. The only notable thing is that one of the guys he asked said he had just got out of Prison for manslaughter. So, not too soon to do jokes about viciously killing people then. That’s good to know. Next week, they’ll be having a diva pillowfight, no doubt. Pin A Woman With The Pillow.

Flair is backstage with Batista, putting over the claw. The Von Erich family get a shout out. Unfortunately, regardless of who used it, the claw sucks. If Bret Hart had used it, The Claw would suck. Jim Carrey used a Claw on his son in Liar Liar, and the son always laughed. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU ABOUT THE FUCKING CLAW.

Main Event:- Flair vs. Khali.

Thank god, this week has been 75% complete and utter shit.

SQUASH. Your main event is a fucking squash. Flairs offense consists of a low blow, a thumb to the eye, and a couple of chops. Khali just basically throws worthless punches to bore everyone senseless, and hits Flair with the Claw for the win.
Winner:- Khali.

Batista runs in… and also gets The Claw. Show ends with Teest and Flair out cold. Well, at least they are really trying to push it as devastating.

Stored In The Swagbag:- Chavo and MVP primarily. As always, some sprinkles of gold from JBL.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Matt Hardy vs Finlay. The finish to the best match of the night was the worst of the night. How typical.

I have been Anvil, and you have been, as ever, lucky to have me.

Send Feedback to The Anvil's Swagbag 

The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Catherine Perez (08/24/07)

Readers, welcome back to Deadface Wa---


What the fuck is this? THE SMACKDOWN RANT? NOOOOOO!!! Either I've just entered the Twilight Zone or dear old Anvil decided to crawl into a dark corner and sob uncontrollably after witnessing Sylvain Grenier get fucked in the ass one last time before his release via a shitty squash match two weeks ago. Longest sentence ever. Okay, so this is my first (and probably last) recap ever; just bear with me while I feel this whole thing out like Pat Patterson must have felt out... oh, screw it. Two Sylvain buttsex jokes in one paragraph is overkill. Speaking of 'kill', since I'd rather kill myself than do so, I haven't watched Smackdown in forever minus Edge's Mardi Gras segment, and I'm not actually sure of every single wrestling move and new-ish wrestler's name (good to know I have two things in common with much of WWE's staff). Oh, look, the show's starting. Lord, give me the strength.

We get a video package about, uh, last week's events? Khali vs. Kane, and HERE COMES THE CLAAAWWWW from Khali. Kane puts his hand around Khali's neck, but Khali puts him down with the CLAAAAWWW. Finlay appears to beat Kane with his shileighleigh... shileileigh... shuh-lay-lee. Whatever. Batista runs in, and ends up getting a CLAAAWWWW (okay, I'll stop) of his own. Khali holds up his belt in triumph as Batista and Kane look up at the wonderful ceiling. WWE.com's Smackdown preview asked, "Will the Irishman [Finlay] slow down the aggression of The Animal or will Batista steamroll his way into the Biggest Party of the Summer, SummerSlam?" I would love it if Batista drove a steamroller into a party; that's just an all-around awesome visual.

Hahaha, what is this bullshit with the opening video having cartoons all over it? Oh my God, animated Finlay is just hideous. The new Drowning Pool singer sounds like he's got a spoonful of peanut butter, marbles, and Stephanie's boobs in his mouth. "MULATTO BEEF DEEP-FRIED, 'CAUSE ALLAH GOBLEP IS MY PRIDE, AND I WILL RIIIISE UUUUUUUP!" Thank you, Drowning Pool. At least this song's better than the nu-metal/screamo crap Raw's got.

Here come Vince McMahon and Coach to bore us to tears with who he and Coach think could be his bastard son. Coach reminds us that it's a boy. Bring out the cigars, gentlemen! They're getting closer and closer to finding out who the bastard is. Coach says of McMahon, "He's tall, he's intelligent, he loves making people's lives a living Hell." Can't disagree about that last part. Before long, Kane comes down to the ring, still bandaged up for reasons I don't know (possibly a CLAAAAWWWW?) Kane stands in front of Vince, smiling from ear to ear. Vince denies having Kane as a son, while Coach points out that "Well... he has your eye," and Kane begins to lament about all the great times he and his "dad" missed out on, like his first fire, "or when I killed my first squirrel." Jesus Christ. Does no one remember Paul Bearer? Kane doesn't want his money or gifts from Vinnie Mac; he wants FINLAY! Finlay? Come on, at least Hornswoggle would fit into a gift box! Oh God, here comes Chris Masters, master of inciting mass boredom. The crowd reaction is barely audible. Masters swears he's Vince's son, and I swear I'm falling asleep. Masters produces a photo from 15 years ago of he and Vince that was most likely taken at a meet-and-greet. Oh no... it's time for...

I think this is to prove that Masters is Vince's son... or something. Typical challenge "build-up", and before long Kane offers to put the Masterlock on Masters, but Masters chickens out and takes a Chokeslam instead. Woo.

Vince rips up poor Chris's photo and grumbles, "He's not my son." Maybe not Masters, but how about CHUCK PALUMBO?!?! Vroom vrooooom! Never thought I'd ever see Undertaker's old gimmick get such a poor reception. To the amusement of no one, Vince declares that we will get to see...

Gee, thanks Vince. Just what I wanted to see. Palumbo's getting the upper hand for a good 30 seconds before Masters miraculously regains his stamina from that Chokeslam and beats Palumbo up for another 30 seconds before Palumbo catches Masters's foot. HEY~! My door bell's ringing. Thank God.

WINNER: Me, for missing the rest of this just-about-squash match. Oh, and Chuck Palumbo.

After commercials, Chavo Guerrero makes his way to the ring carrying a styrofoam mannequin head with a Rey Mysterio mask on. I, being a big Al Snow fan, mark the hell out. Guerrero's even talking to it like he's asking for some pointers on what to do for this match. It's the little things that make me smile. Chavo Snow ends up getting disqualified after failing to obey the referee's orders. I hate DQs. I love Dairy Queen, though. That Kit Kat Blizzard is awesome.

WINNER: ...Funaki? AMAZING~!

After the match, Guerrero puts the mask on Funaki and attempts to mess the little man's knee up like he did to Mysterio months ago.

Justin Roberts seems to enjoy saying "wang". Completely missed this match, but my friend informs me that Yang went for a moonsault and missed, and Noble executed an "awesome" backbreaker. Why do I have to miss the awesome stuff on this show?

WINNER: Jamie Noble

Post match, Jamie crawls under the ring to find Hornswoggle. Upon exiting, he makes his way up the ramp crying out, "HORRRRRRNSWOGGLE~!!!" kind of like the guy in that Star Trek movie, The Wrath of Khan. With Noble's back turned, Hornswoggle pops his head out from under the ring, pointing and laughing as the audience... cheers?! Well I'll be damned.

And now, another video package of the Holyfield boxing match from Saturday Night's Main Event. You all know what happened; I won't remind you. Unfortunately, a backstage segment begins to air. Teddy Long is damn near pleading with Kristal to let him see her in her bikini. Kristal and I both decline; Lord knows I don't need that. After Kristal leaves in a bathrobe, MVP enters to brag about himself and whatnot. He's so good, he can beat any of Smackdown's champs! Teddy wonders if he's so good that he could take the tag titles all on his own. MVP says he'll team up with the next person who walks through Teddy Long's door for the Tag Team titles. Lo and behold, Matt Hardy walks in as MVP goes all "AW HELL NAW!" Teddy schedules a match against Bag of Douche and Domino for next week, which upsets both MVP and Hardy... and me.

After commercials, Michael Cole plugs "Whine Up" by Kat DeLuna, and states that it's just like JBL: "whine." HAR HAR HAR. Oh Michael, you're such a silly bitch. Yet another backstage segment that begins with Chuck Palumbo polishing his motorcycle. Hey, that's bad-ass, right? No? Pfft. Vince and Coach walk in and compliment Not-'Taker's bike. Chuck tells a story about his father, who liked motorcycles and drinking Jack Daniels. Oftentimes, he would mix motorcycles and Jack Daniels together. Unfortunately, they had to peel his daddy off of the grill of an 18-wheeler. Too bad his dad isn't Johnny Ace. After Coach says he's sorry, Chuck declares, "Not as sorry as my mom. She was the one driving the 18-wheeler." Now there's a knee-slapper!

Who's the genius that thought teaming Shannon Moore and Eugene up and throwing them right into a championship match would interest anyone? The referee gets a hug or handshake from Eugene, I wasn't looking. Deuce (I think it was Deuce) beats Eugene up after nearly getting a handshake... or hug. Moore is fighting first, and goes for the top turnbuckle. He kicks a non-tagged-in Domino off the apron before Deuce flips the little dude the hell off the ropes. Ouch. Deuce goes for the cover, but gets a mere 2-count. Deuce Irish Whips Moore into Domino's corner and tags Domino in. I literally blinked and saw Domino tag Deuce back in. Moore finally tags Eugene in~! Deuce makes Eugene MAD somehow, and gets thrown out of the ring for his efforts. Eugene then eats some boot after what I guess is his finisher, and... the Fonzie that was legally in the ring picks up the win. Wait, wasn't Deuce the legal man? The soundtrack to my utter confusion over who's Deuce and who's Domino happens to be a shitty '50s song. Joy.

WINNER: Fonzie... and Fonzie... with Pinky Tuscadero's twin sister, Skanky. Not funny? Meh, who cares?

UP NEXT... MVP's basketball challenge. While Michael Cole plugs that, JBL repeatedly hollers, "BALLIN'!" Cole asks, "Will Matt Hardy or MVP be ballin' tonight?!" Don't ever say "ballin'" again, Cole. Dear God. HEY, have you seen that one Triple H return promo where it's all computer-like and--- oh. You have. Millions of times? Well, then...

Oh my god, it's Justin Roberts. WHERE'S TONY CHIMEL?! Roberts goes over the rules of this basketball tournament. In one ear and out the other for me, but I think the winner must score one basket. MVP makes his entrance first through the Chuck E. Cheese reefer tunnel. The production crew actually set up a half-court on the stage. Impressive. MVP is now going to sing his own graces once more. He brags about knowing Shaq and D-Wade (the hell is he?), and demonstrates his awesome B-ball skills. STAAAAALLIN'! The ball is up, and he misses! OH SNAP, SON~! MVP blames the miss on the non-NBA floor and his sneakers, which were just gotten for him. He then dunks the ball from REAL close to the basket. BAAAALLIN'! Another demonstration from far from the basket, and he scores! BAAAAAALLIN'! MVP was about to demonstrate how Matt Hardy would attempt to play this little game, and as he feigns tripping on his shoelace (FAAAAAALLIN'!), Hardy makes his entrance. This competition is real short. MVP begins to talk trash in Hardy's face, but is silenced with a basketball to the head! He makes a basket and celebrates for .023 seconds before Deuce and Domino, obviously back to entertain us some more [/sarcasm], beat up on both MVP and Hardy. The shitty Happy Days-esque song blares through the sound system until more commercials play. Totally not ballin'. Well, at least I enjoyed MVP's trash talk.

WINNER: Matt Hardy

We get a replay of all the kicks that MVP and Hardy got before Mark Henry makes his entrance. I don't mean to look, and I also don't mean to gross you all the hell out, but why won't Henry wear some ring gear that doesn't make his cock-'n'-balls look like a giant hill? Anyway, we get typical Henry maneuvers, to which Michael Cole comments, "He is scary strong!" Thanks for the insight. More ass-whoopin' from Henry, and he commands the jobber to "GIT UP~! GIT UP~!". Henry envelops the jobber in a warm embrace, probably as an apology for putting him through a shitty match. The referee, obviously deeply moved by this, gives the win to the Silverback. See? Being nice pays off. What? That's his finisher? Oh... well... POO ON YOU, MARK, YOU BAD... BADDIE~! Man, I'm good at this kayfabe stuff.


Post match, Henry cuts a promo. He says "I don't get intimidated... I INTIMIDATE!" Soon enough, the lights go bluish-purple and... ZOMG, UNDERTAKER~!~! ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG ZOMGWTFBBQ. I'm not marking out; I'm just letting you know how the crowd reacted. We get a big bunch of images on the Titantron; sand, snakes, a Death Valley sign, yadda yadda yadda. Some druids unearth a box covered in snakes and pull out Undertaker's symbol. A little girl's voice whispers, "Summerslaaaaam!" and we're back to static reminiscent of off-air feed. The crowd chants "TAKER! TAKER!" as Henry yells and shakes his head in... fear? Shock? Disbelief? I don't know.

UP NEXT... a bikini contest! Oh, good, just what I needed to spice up this recap... ugh. Raw's rolling into Boston, Massachusetts, by the way. I won't be going; the good seats are expensive as fuck. The Raw Rebound goes over Monday's bastard child fiasco. God damn it, even on Smackdown I have to stomach some Cenariffic programming.

I made sure to take my contact lenses off before this travesty. Fortunately, I can't find my glasses. Okay, divas are out, they dance one after the other to "Whine Up" (like I didn't get enough of that fucking song in the last few weeks) and strip to their bikinis, and Michael Cole's about to announce the winner. BUT WAIT, he forgot to announce the special participant! Cheesy music plays, and it's at this very moment that I think I realize why Anvil got himself out of writing this week's recap. Here's Mae Young to help make every man watching and in attendance impotent for the rest of their natural lives. To quote JBL: "NO! NO! NO!" Mae dances around in her blue, one-piece bathing suit, and I nearly die inside. The crowd is reacting to this like they all just came down with a bout of diarrhea. MAE WINS? Victoria has the same look on her face that I have on mine, and she stomps off in disgust and anger. Take me with you, Victoria! Mae seriously tries to take her bathing suit off to show the world her sagging breasts, but is stopped by the rest of the participants. Hey, these girls are useful when it really matters! Something tells me that Mae Young longs to be a stripper at the local nursing home:

LOSERS: Men, children, condom manufacturers, me, women's rights, women in general, the CW Network, and my remote.

Some guys named Jesse and Festus are talking about... "BBQ"? Oh my fucking God, these are the Of Mice and Men guys. The smarter of the two puts over the dumber one's grilling skills while the dumb one (I'll assume he's Festus) breathes through his mouth and holds up one of those things that looks like salad tongs but are obviously for barbecuing (excuse my lack of grilling knowledge). Back to the show, where Cole wonders if Festus could be McMahon's son. I wouldn't be surprised. Look, here comes Batista to take away the pain of watching this show, only to give us all a cloudy match and more pain in minutes than I got in hours. It's times like these when I wish that mile-long pit of danger was covered in quicksand. Oh, thank the Lord; commercial time.

Another damn video package; the same from the opening of the show. CLAAAAAWWWWW!!! Okay, this is the last time - promise. Back to the show, and the crowd's visibility is next to none thanks to all the smoke from Batista's pyro. Finlay makes his entrance and, surprisingly, doesn't choke on the pyro smoke. Here's your main event!

Batista plays up the fact that he's bigger and stronger than Finlay via pushing, a test of strength, and taking Finlay off his feet. Not much action so far. They slap at each other's hands like sissies (no joke), and Batista overpowers the poor Irishman yet again. Finlay finally gets some action with a kick and clothesline. A girl in the audience slowly rises to her feet and lets out a banshee-like scream. The boredom must've gotten to her. A little out-of-the-ring action, a little in-ring action, and here comes the Lackluster Khali and his mini-handler. Hooray for commercials!

And we're back to find Batista in a headlock. This match is just FULL of exciting action, isn't it?! Khali watches on with a look of amusement, though I can't tell if that's what it is since his face is as immobile as the rest of his body. Some elbows into Batista's face, and another headlock. Someone, anyone, please... put me out of my misery. There's four people in the crowd watching on intently. How is it that everyone but me is interested in this match? Batista finally breaks out of Finlay's headlock. Finlay tries a top-rope maneuver, but is thrown off faster than you can say "I hope Ashley Massaro doesn't come back to WWE." Batista goes nuts, does the whole rip shit off of the announcing table shtick, and slams a chair onto the table. Yeah... Back into the ring, where Finlay gets himself a sidewalk slam. Before long, Khali interferes and... OH HELL NO. ALL THAT SUFFERING FOR A DQ ENDING?! FUCK YOU, SMACKDOWN! FUCK YOU IN THE ASS! Khali brain chops the shit out of ol' Teest, and the camera goes straight over to some black guy doing his best impersonation of that little shocked kid from that one Cena match. BUT WAIT! Batista no-sells the crap out of that chop! Very reminiscent of Hulk Hogan. Everyone's getting their asses kicked, and tons of referees hold Batista back as Khali falls over to reveal a bloodied face. I WALK ALOOOOOOOOOOOONE, YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! JBL and Michael Cole plug Summer Slam as Khali and his mini-handler make their way up the ramp. Khali and Batista stare at each other, and this show is FINALLY over!

Holy shit, I survived! Granted, this may very well be the worst Smackdown Rant in forever, but feel free to send me some feedback via e-mail or
MySpace. Oh, and check out my DEADFACE WALKING! update from this week. Hey, I sat through this show; I'm entitled to a cheap plug! Make sure to check out all of this week's updates over at the front page, too. Hopefully Anvil's Swagbag will return next week to suffer through this show (so you don't have to). Toodles!


Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (08/31/07)
So here we are. And here, ten or twelve WWE employees aren’t. Because they have been suspended, which is a terrible turn of events for Vince and said wrestlers, but I heard the guy who took it the hardest was Edge.

Vince:- So yeah, Adam, as of this moment, you are suspended for a month.
Edge:- ……oh. Oh wow. No, you totally got me there Vince.
Vince:- Yup, now all you will have to do with your time is sit at home and do nothing.
Edge:- Geez. Wow, you know, this… erm… this hurts Vince, this really hurts. I don’t feel like I got off lightly at all.
Vince:- So, yeah. Learn your lesson is all. Don’t do it again.
Edge:- No. No I wont, man. Because this… this is… yeah.

Poor guy.

Lets get this here shit crackulatin’.

We start off the show with Teddy Long, the translator guy and Khali in the ring. It’s like a dick and two balls, it really is. Teddy calls for a championship tournament of… ooh… a good three matches here tonight. Firstly, Finlay will be facing Kane again. But HAVE NO FEAR! I am sure this match will be NOTHING like the one you just this weekend paid for! Oh no, this will be a totally new experience without flying top rope clotheslines and SHILLEIGHLEIGHLEIGH shenanigans! I promise, paying all of those hard earned bucks was totally worthwhile.

The other match is Batista and Rey Mysterio. Batista got a slightly bigger reaction than Rey. What say we bury Seung-Hui Cho in the Pet Semetary, wait a little while, then give him two guns, push him into the Times Union Centre in Albany, and let him do what he does best. Maybe then, maybe THEN, the fans at live shows will STOP CHEERING ON BATISTA AND WE CAN WATCH A GOOD TITLE MATCH EVERY ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE. ….huh….huh…. right, I’m done…. For now…..

Match 1:- Kane vs Finlay.

Kane throws the shilleighleighleigh up the ramp, so Hornswoggle goes and collects it. Ohhhh, so he can collect a stick when thrown up the ramp. But completely ignores his OWN SHOE!? Fucking dwarves.

Okay… erm…. Finlay works the ribs here… right, Kane fights back with uppercuts but Finlay cuts him off… yeah, back to the ribs… right, Kane is up top for the clothesli… wait a goddamn minute! This IS the exact same match they had at Summerslam!! I WANT MY MONEY BACK! I mean, it’s one thing when they repeat the same shit week in week out. I just feel like a fool when I have to reach into my pocket to see them repeat it again!

The finish sees Hornswoggle distract the ref, and Finlay blast Kane with the shilleighleighleigh for the… erm… win. Okay, maybe that shilleighleighleigh was harder and more solid than the one he used at Summerslam! Yeah, maybe that shilleighleighleigh was a SUPER shilleighleighleigh and the one he used at Summerslam that didn’t finish Kane off was just your regular, run of the mill shilleighleighleigh. Yeah… that explains it…

Winner:- Finlay.

Regular Featuree Which I Will Never Use Again After This Week time! It’s time for me, your host, to tell you, my adoring public, whose been buying naughty muscle enhancing drugs from indiscreet Internet stores!! YAY!!

NAMED AND SHAMED:- Funaki. Whose steroids are the only steroids in the world that should probably consider taking steroids.

Jesse and Festus are backstage. Jesse says some things and then Festus does that face that reminds me of my gran before we had her put down. Don’t cry for her though, she was always moaning about how cold she was, and now she never need worry about the heat again!!

Match 2:- Matt Hardy and MVP vs. Deuce and Domino for the titles.

Now this match has caught some flak for using the Tag Team titles as another prop to get a feud over. Personally, I think it is a wonderful idea, I really really do. Because my ideas for getting the belts off of Deuce and Domino were a lot more messy. You know, running them over in that other, infinitely cooler car from Grease, getting them raped in the mouth by a bear, letting the reanimated corpse of Seung Hio Cho have a go, that sort of thing. This way is a lot less messy.

The story here is that Hardy and MVP hate each other, and therefore are not quite as cohesive as one would like. Luckily, these two have charisma by the bucketload, so this played out angle is actually, by default, very entertaining. Matt is cut off from tagging for the majority of the match, meaning I had to sit through a good five minutes of Deuce and Domino offence. But don’t worry, I nullified the pain completely by giving myself a home made vasectomy. MVP made no effort to tag Matt at any point, which is probably because his ticker is still playing silly buggers, so he saw minimal ring time here.

The finish sees MVP REFUSE to tag in so Hardy bitch-slaps him. That’s how you show the black man! Erm… during the apartheid. A little impromptu history lesson for you there. Ahem.

Hardy hits the twist of fate, MVP throws Matt from the ring and steals the 123. He then celebrates with all three titles. And if you listen very carefully, somewhere you can hear Kurt Angle saying, ‘hey, he can’t do that!’, before returning to his strict regimin of NOT training for the UFC.

NAMED AND SHAMED:- Chris Masters. Unfortunately, we could not reach any of the people who have sold him Steroids for comment. Apparently, they don’t mix with ‘riff raff’ like me anymore, and are too busy sailing their yaughts and bathing in notes to give a damn. Bastards.

Batista and Vince speak. Vince says he could be Batista’s dad, but Batista counters with something along the lines of ‘if you left me and my mother alone and poor whilst you were rich as hell, I will kick… your…’ you get the picture. By this point Batista is a parody of himself.


I’m sick of the repetition guys, I really, truly am.

Speaking of repetition, whilst Eugene is firing the T Shirt gun, Henry comes out and hugs him till he falls to sleep. Aww, ain’t he sweet? We should all take after Mark Henry and show retards some extra special care and attention from here on in. I’m going to start by writing a lovely letter thanking the WWE Creative Team for all their efforts. They might not be able to read it, but it’s the thought that counts. An Undertaker video airs and his hand appears out of the sand this time.

Match 3:- Rey Mysterio vs Batista.

They actually give each other a hug before the match. Seems that Rey Mysterio is taking my advice from above, bless him.

Batista starts off delicately, clearly not wanting to hurt his little friend. My motto is, fuck it if my little friend hurts, friction burns don’t last forever. KEEP GOING TROOPER! But eventually Rey runs him ragged, and Batista’s temper starts to flair. So when Rey goes for a 619, Batista catches him and DRILLS him with a spinebuster. At that point, Finlay runs in with a chair, but Batista gets hold of it. Apparently Teest’s inner rage is too much, as the ref tries to take the chair from him, and his thrown on his arse for the effort. Batista is disqualified, Rey defies the odds, and somewhere, Kurt Angle has completed his not training for the UFC and has moved on to being not entertaining in TNA. There are a lot of things that Kurt Angle is, but not is most of them.

Winner:- Rey.

NAMED AND SHAMED:- Mr Kennedy. Which is funny, because I am sure he said just weeks ago that the Wellness Policy is a strict programme and that he hasn’t taken any kind of drugs since he joined the WWE. Wait…. Does that mean Mr. Kennedy has no credibility!? Well, in that fucking case, you can find me at
http://www.myspace.com/monkey_harris, where I shall be singing the praises of Tom Cruise… no, wait, I still hate Tom Cruise. Come join me!

Aaaaaand, now we go to a segment in which Vince reveals what a thrilling lover he is. There is a slag, three slags, and a nun that converted because she refused to be with another man after Vince. You could drop a penny into the first ones vagina and never hear it hit the bottom. This sucks. There is lots of sexual innuendo. It all sucks. I’m starting to think that actually planting a car bomb in Vince’s limo would be great. Me, Joe, Bullfrog, Sean, Cameron, Catherine, Gersh and everybody else that occasionally throw something in could all line up and shout ‘SWERVE!; as he slams the door.

And now it’s time for the ever-thrilling Masterlock Challenge! Chuck Palumbo rides in on Taker’s bike and sits down in the chair, but Masters just decides that pounding on him is a good idea. He was wrong. Chuck Palumbo beats up on Masters, and sends him home for a month. I’m starting to get a little bored now.

Jamie says that after next week, nobody will be laughing at him, because he’s gonna beat Hornswoggle. Then Shannon Moore sticks an ‘I Love Leprechauns’ sign on his back. It boggles the mind that Shannon Moore should be able top stick an ‘I Love Leprechauns’ sign on Jamie Noble’s back in this not at all scripted or pre-empted backstage skit. What, does Shannon Moore just carry around an ‘I Love Leprechauns’ sign around with him? Maybe we are keeping our eyes on the wrong person!!

And now, the main event. Which I would like to point out, is only the fourth match of the night, and features two guys who wrestled earlier. Because clearly, the audience tunes in to a wrestling show to see Vince talk about what an amazing lover he is. Clearly, we would rather hear a nun regale us with stories of Vince’s penis than see some entertaining wrestling action. I think it’s time we resurrected Seung-Hui Cho again! Shit, Teddy Long could have a new punishment on his hands here!

Teddy:- So tonight, playa, you’ll be facing the Deadman.
MVP (probably):- Oh, GOD, not Taker?
Teddy:- Nope. The other dead man!
(Seung-Hui bursts through the door)

Main Event:- Rey Mysterio vs Finlay.

Surely Rey Rey vs Hornswoggle would have been mor…. Oh, you heard the one about Rey Mysterio being small? What about the one about him saying he never did steroids? Really?? Erm… kinda running out of material here. Wait! I got it! Rey has cataracts. Ha. Tune in next week for lots of Rey Is Blind jokes, and not because I can’t think of any now.

Finlay beats on Rey’s back for some reason. The knee would have been my call, but each to their own. Regardless, in what seems to me a really short ass match, Rey runs Finlay all over the place and eventually hits a 619 to the BACK of the head. And that looked a LOT more painful than the actual finisher. A roll up and the three, and its Rey vs Khali for the title, which will make for a cool visual if nothing else. Sure, I have heard people bitching that by rights Rey would NEVER win. Wrestlings fake you miserable cunts, have a day off.

Khali runs in and pushes Rey over, so Batista runs in and Rey and Teest beat on Khali. We’re done.

Stored in the Swagbag:- The end of Deuce and Domino’s undeserved title run. God apparently does exist.

Condemned to the Dungeon:- Vince. Get the fuck off my TV. Nuff said.

Special thanks to Catherine Perez for having rather large breasts. I was going to thank her for filling in for me last week, but hey, BREASTS. Also, go read all the reports and shit by our brilliantly qualified staff and Bullfrog. Finally, drop by the latest fucking hilarious Low Blow, and then visit TWF Hell, Sean’s latest virtual orgasm, cumming all over your funny bone. Or something less fucking disgusting. Oh, and did I thank Catherine for her tits?

I have been Anvil, and you have been lucky to have me.

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The Anvil's Swagbag has eight girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).