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SmackDown Rant Archive (August 2006)

August 04, 2006
August 11, 2006
August 18, 2006

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (08/04/06)


Hey Negroes, foes, and wannabe Joe(hammads)! Let’s get straight to the action-packed recap this week, because fuck if I can think of a good intro!
The show starts off with the main event being announced. King Booker vs. Undertaker, apparently. You know, I would have thought the Badass gimmick would have been better here. Imagine Undertaker’s biker-esque racist insults! Then Booker can defend the honour of all Negroes by defeating him clean, just like he did with HHH when HE insulted black people! Hey wait.
Finlay vs. William Regal YET A-FUCKING-GAIN – US Title match
Really, is there anything new for me to recap here? I’m not saying the match is terrible but there’s only so much you can do before throwing midgets gets old. I should know, I waste enough Sunday afternoons doing it. Speaking of midgets, Little Bastard soon appears with a huge pop as he attacks Regal after he was chased out of the ring by Finlay, but Regal manages to counter by getting back in the ring and obtaining the stick for himself to use on Finlay The match ends when Finlay grabs the shillohfuckititsastick off Regal and clocks Regal with it for the DQ. Inspired.
What did I gain from this match? – You know a few people were a trifle surprised when learning of my Irish heritage last week. And before you go making up stupid stories, I’ll give you the truth right here. Because I’m also English, I plant bombs and try to blow myself up. I also spend the rest of the time writing letters to myself asking me to stop doing it. But you know how stubborn those Irish are! And what pussies the English are! *Explodes*
Anyways, Lashley comes out post-match, and unleashes A STUNNING AND AWE-INSPIRING…fall to the floor. Because Finlay smacked him on the head. That kinda reminds me of when I started a one-man riot for semi-black men’s rights. Was much quicker though…
However, Regal and Lashley appear to be teaming up against the Soft Spoken one, but instead Finlay shoves Regal right into a Dominator as Finlay escapes. I suppose us English are fairly gullible. AhemcoughDVDpleaseSeanahem.
Elijah Burke w/ Sylvester Turkay vs. Scott Wright
I don’t think the WWE has had a partnership consisting of such stupid names since The Mean Street Posse. Anyways, Burke shows his true professional lethal fighting skills by hitting what may be one of the lamest finishers ever, the Stroke. The fact he gives it a stupid name (The Elijah Experience) doesn’t help either. He then wins via a scissored armbar to...well, the arm.
What did I gain from this match? – Hey, so if Matt Hardy choked on a Turkey, then Scott Wright must have, like, um…God damn you for making better jokes, Carless.
WWE proves it’s headed by a sadistic motherfuck by issuing us with small irritating doses of the divas throughout the night instead of one painful jab at ONE point in the night. They’re being interviewed like on RAW, except they get hit in the face with a pie for…some reason. I would prefer to hit them with watermelons. It’s not comical, but it knocks them out for long enough to issue them with a cream pie of my own! Wink-wink!
Kristal vs. Ashley – We don’t need so stinkin’ surnames! Match
Kristal manages to get the win over Ashley after rolling her up and hooking the tights. Oh yeah, when I do that to women, it’s sexual harassment…
What did I gain from this match? – As if you really cared about this match, seriously. What? You DID? Are you a fucking moron? Log off your computer you schmuck. I can smell your retardation from here. It smells like armpits.
Tatanka vs. Sylvan
I didn’t think it was humanly possible to care about a match LESS than a Diva one. Tatanka wins after a sideslam.
What did I gain from this match? - As much as Sylvan bores me, not exactly the best way to get a new character over. Oh, what, because Tatanka is in line for a monumental push isn’t he? Fucking idiots.
After an initial dropkick to the knee (which is sold valiantly by Batista) Kennedy chooses to work on said appendage. Like lesser experimental housewives, they exchange clotheslines, and the nBatista hits his spinebuster.
Man, they spend all that time pussy-footing along with this thing, making sure neither man looked bad, then they go out and make Kennedy job cleanly to the Batista Bomb.
What did I gain from this match? – What awful booking. You might say it was…Sin-ISTUUUUUUUH!
So far it’s more than halfway through the show and we’ve had THE EXACT SAME SMACKDOWN AS LAST WEEK. Talk about stuck in a rut. I should have just re-posted last week’s recap, Jesus.
Vito vs. Brooklyn Brawler
Oh GOD this is lame. I know the roster is thin, Vince, but it would be much easier to just end the brand split than subject us to the friggin’ Brawler again.
Anyway, Vito of course wins by hitting his Implant DDT then the keylock submission.
What did I gain from this match? – Visual herpes.
Michelle McCool is now out with a new tag team(!) Holy shit, a tag division! Consisted of...two teams! WWE is really getting places these days!
Funki (Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty) vs. Idol Stevens and KC James
Well this was hardly going to be a competitive bout, and of course the new guys squash Funki like a pair of motherfuckers.
What did I gain from this match? – Is Idol’s tag partner the elusive third member of the James Gang? No? Oh. Never mind then.
Chavo came out for one long-ass promo, but it was still an interesting one. In a nutshell, he is pissed off because Rey has been stealing what belongs to him, in relation to Eddie’s death, as he has been using Eddie’s name to get to the top, despite not even being a Guerrero. This is why he attacked him. Now, the thing is, it’s a tough situation because kayfabe-wise, yeah, Rey is doing that because he dedicated every other fucking match to Eddie just to make them matter. However, also kayfabe-wise, Chavo is claiming that HE should have been the one to leech off of Eddie. Now the problem that occurs is this. They are both wrong, because the only people who are leeching off it are WWE. And seriously fuck Vickie Guerrero for letting this happen, Jesus Christ.
Anyway Rey comes out and they brawl. Vickie comes out to separate them, and I am seriously disgusted with the way this is going on. It’s only a few months till the anniversary of Eddie’s death. How long can this go on?
Anyways, I must soldier on. After all I ain’t said anything offensive in a while…RAPE IS OK!
King Booker vs. Undertaker – Non-title, so therefore pointless match
You know what’s awesome is King Booker could hire a few guys to do Voodoo for him this time!
Taker dominates for most of the first half but ends up distracted by Sharmell. Booker takes advantage by sending Taker off the top rope as he went for the Old School. After a while Booker goes for the Scissors kick but misses and is met with a flurry of fists followed closely by a snake eyes and big boot. Two count.
The chokeslam is hit, but Khali makes his way out and attacks Taker for the DQ. Could they PLEASE make a more original ending?
What did I gain from this match? – In response to some callous emails, no I shall not refer to Booker as King Solomon from now on, you white devil bastards.
Post-match Taker challenges Khali to a Last Man Standing match. Bad idea, Taker. I don’t think Khali is even mobile enough to lie down.
End show
AWWW JHYEEEAH – Oh boy, a pretty terrible week this week. I have to go with the Main event simply because it didn’t do too much wrong
DAYUM – The Divas and probably the amount of rematches too. Christ this card was lame.
And now…
I have made better progress this week! In fact, I no longer even type these recaps out on Microsoft Word! I instead use:

Microsoft Werd! I find it helps make my recaps 40% more fly.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (08/11/06)


So, what do you call a black fellow with a rather sizeable penis? A knee-grow! Haha, I am indeed cutting edge.
Anyways, welcome to another edition of the only Smackdown recap that defies racism, then releases songs about shooting white people. Dat’s how we roll, dawg. Recently Smackdown has taken quite the dip into mediocrity, and I can only hope that they can salvage it this week.
Show starts with a Khali promo.  He turns down Undertaker's request for a Last Man Living err I mean "Standing" match at Summer Slam through the mouth of Daivari, rather than his patented soft spoken eloquent manner. Clearly, there's a job for this guy in narration. Watch out, Morgan Freeman, Khali's comin' for your job, nigga. 
Undertaker then comes out now and hits a rather awkward looking chokeslam. But still, it’s not like you can blame him. Indians do tend to be very awkward to work with. I mean, they couldn’t just STAY colonised could they? Oooh no. We Brits are always the bad guys. Just look at Hollywood movies.
Anyways, first match up:
Gregory Helms vs. Tatanka – Classic "Cruiserweight" Action.
Tatanka dominates early, but Helms rallies, hits the shining wizard and gets the pin, despite Tatanka's
foot moccasin being on the rope. (Indian) Burned!
Aaand Gregory is your winner.
What did I gain from this match? – Ok, seriously, ANOTHER wasted opportunity to use Helms’ superhero alter-ego. Imagine it. The Hurricane vs. Apache Chief! Shining Wizard vs…Growing really big! Hey, that power might give Tatanka a push, knowing Vince.
Vickie Guerrero is backstage trying to talk some sense into Chavo Guerrero. Clearly, she should start with writers first.
Teddy Long in the back says he's canceling the Undertaker/Khali match at Summer Slam. Where was this guy six months ago? Apparently it will now take place NEXT WEEK on SmackDown. Where an army of tech, special effects and editors can mold Khali into something resembling a mobile human being.
Idol Stevens & K.C. James  vs. The ROHd Warriors (Tm James Walker)
Idol & K.C. (minus the Sunshine band) end up getting the win after isolating Kendrick as James gets a boot and Idol hooks the tights on a roll up to get the win, because they're kinda the only other team on this brand, and umm,  that's it.
What did I gain from this match? – Idol Stevens? What? What a dumbass name. I mean what next? Legend Jones? Icon Smith? It’s one step above ‘Awesome Dude’. By this logic Jeff Hardy will be returning with the name ‘Kind of alright, bit of an asshole when he’s drunk though, and definitely needs to shower more often Wilson’.
On a serious note, though, it is nice to see SOME attempt at making a Tag division. I say make more teams, and even, dare I say, bring back the Gymini. Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘I don’t wanna see those fucking Goldberg wannabe blowfish assholes on my TV’. However, hear me out. The problem with that team was they had no gimmick going for them. I have the solution. A simple one. Just kit them both out in labcoats and goggles, and Hey Presto! GYMINI THE SCIENCE GUYS!
Oh now you’re feeling it, right? Also, you can have them come out and after each move performed, go on the mic and explain the physical dynamics behind the move, and prove that wrestling can be educational! Bonus points if they manage to explain how the fuck their finisher was supposed to work though. I’ll pay them personally to clear up that one.
The Diva Search! Now I am excited about this week’s for one reason. It gives me the perfect opportunity to pitch my idea for next year’s.
You see, I calculate that most, if not all, male viewers want to see two things from the Diva Search: Nudity, and Violence. Now, there’s a very simple solution to that. Make next year’s event a HARDCORE DIVA SEARCH.
What do I mean? Well, simply have it hosted by Mick Foley, Terry Funk and Jake Roberts ( I know he wasn’t really hardcore, but don’t tell me you wouldn’t pay to see him interview women) and adjust the rounds a little. I propose a poledancing contest….using a Singapore cane!…whilst Sandman is still holding it. Hitting them. Or something.
Then there’s the Weighting Game. An endurance test of sorts, each diva is to be pumped full of silicon constantly. Whoever lasts the longest without exploding wins!
The Assault Course would be just that. Each contestant must spend a day as a Mail Order Bride for one Stone Cold Steve Austin! Each day, the different contestant/wife must maintain the household, and if they manage to survive baking a pie at the same time as “Walking into a Door”, they advance to the next round!
This brings me to the most extreme round. MUSICAL PIES! Sounds weird? Well, yeah. The Divas must dance around the ring until the music stops playing. They must then each sit in a pie. BUT! One pie is filled with thumbtacks! Now don’t tell me you wouldn’t think the winner deserved a spot after all that. And the best thing is, WWE couldn’t just hire a load of them anyway because half of them will be crippled! It’s genius! Children will be happy! Men will masturbate! Men will be arrested for masturbating near children! Children will get towel! Huzzah!
Um, where was I? Oh yeah. Recap.
Divas "Talent show" is up. If only we had a blacklight we'd actually see traces of evidence of what their true "talents" might be. And by the way, YOUR HOST for this particular contest is LUKE PERRY of 90210 fame. If only this segment was held in the Peach Pit. If only. Layla ends up winning for being the most least talented of the talentless. Or something like that. Segment clearly needed more Nat.
Backstage, Vickie earns her mortgage by imploring Rey to not fight Chavo, and to just remain Friends. Rey agrees. Heh. I don't know about you, but if a "friend" accused me of raping the dignity of a dead guy, and crushed my head with a chair, he just might be off my Christmas card list for while.
Interesting match next:
Went on a country walk for three hours but forgot to put socks on and so got BLISTUUUUUUUUUUHS…KEN-EH-DAY vs. Rey Mysterio
Very even match, back and forth. The end comes when Rey has Kennedy set for the 619, but Chavo then runs out, distracts Rey, and in the ensuing fracas ends up accidentally knocking down Vickie Guerrero (who followed Chavo out) by shoving Rey into her. The match is a no-contest, and the angle is a no-taste.
What did I gain from this match? I heard Kennedy was disgusted at such disrespect of the dead. He reportedly thought of it as BLAS-PHE-MAAAY.
Backstage, King Booker vows to show all the peasants why he's King at Summer Slam. He still only has five fingers on his hand, so a new catchphrase was a necessity.

Anyways, next match up:
Vito vs. Sylvan – Panties vs. Pansy
Umm, Vito wins after making Sylvan tap out to his dress over face armlock. Weird. You'd think at this point, Grenier wouldn't be so wary of having his face forcefully pushed towards male genitalia.
What did I gain from this match? – WWE is the only place in the world where someone exceptionally ugly in a dress can get ahead. Tell me I'm wrong. When was the last time you saw Kathy Bates on the cover of People Magazine? There you go.

Sylvester Turkay vs. Jobber

You always have room for Turkay. Even with all that MSG (not Madison Square Garden). Anyway, Turkay dominates the jobber, hitting the twisting Turkay punch (drummy?) and finally delivering the Turkay choke. I heard this was how Mama Cass died. Wait. Maybe that was a
ham sandwich.
What did I gain from this match? – Um…the boring one with no charisma…beat the boring one with no charisma. Funny like that.
Teddy Long talks to Montel Vontavious Porter backstage about the possibility of finally getting him signed. What a strange coincidence that this man's initials form "MVP". His mom must have been pretty confident he'd end up in sports with a handle like that. Oh well, it worked out fine for his brother PHD who I'd imagine had no choice but to get into medicine. Anyway, MVP's "agent" will be in touch with Teddy at 4:00 pm tomorrow.

Batista & Lashley vs. William Regal & Finlay
King Booker comes down to do commentary. The King's Court put up a valiant effort, but "Team one and a half livers" ends up going over when Batista hits a big spinebuster (IT BUSTS SPINES!) on Regal for the pin.
Lashley and Batista are your winners.
What did I gain from this match? – Man, all Regal and Finlay needed was one of the Highlanders from RAW and you’d have a great start for a joke.
End Show.
Probably the main event. Was the most decent thing, at least.
It was all just so BORING. Sweet Christ, Vince, being bored is worse than being appalled at a shitty angle.
And now…
I’m doing pretty well! This week I managed to offend a white guy by calling him a ‘white devil bastard’! Pity he was my boss. Oh well, now that I’m unemployed, that makes me even more negr-[CENSORED]

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.


Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (08/18/06)


And welcome back to the only Smackdown recap in the Universe. Seriously. All those others? Your imagination. Totally. Gotta stop taking those pills, man. Haha, I suck at intros these days.
Anyways, the show this week starts off with a match between…
Batista vs. Sylvan – Well. This is nothing short of unpredictable match
In a total squash, Batista does what we all wish we could...drop a huge bomb on the French.
What did I gain from this match? – WHAT AN UPSET.
Scotty Too Hotty is out next:
Scotty Too Hotty vs. Sylvester Turkay w/ Elijah Burke
Well, Smackdown is all about the unpredictability this week eh? Stay tuned for next week’s SD Main Event, where Funaki takes on Undertaker in a Japanese Jail match! Or something. Whatever.
Anyways, Turkay of course keeps control in this one, only stopping for Burke to pour water on him and rub his shoulders to keep him motivated. I dunno, a dude molesting me whilst dousing me in what I want to drink later would just irritate me a bit. But then again I’m not A LEGIT SHOOT FIGHTER YO.
Turkay actually surprises the hell out of me, however. He wins, of course, but with a spinning muscle buster-like move. Holy SHIT that was actually kinda awesome.
What did I gain from this match? – Huzzah! WWE is using finishers that will actually get over! Maybe soon they can quell the image they’re portraying that a careless hitchhiker could KILL A MAN. I’m looking at you, Umaga.
Backstage, Kristal is interviewing Team Generic (Kendrick and London) and mentions that they haven’t been seen much as of late and that they suffered a hard loss last week. They respond by saying that, because it was a non-title match, they were just getting a feel for the newcomers. That’s just dumb. What other conclusion can you come to other than ‘Hmm, turns out if you do fuck all they kick your ass!’ great reasoning there.
Anyways, James and Stevens ambush them, and standard heel-face beatdown according to Wrestling Wregulations 101 (Now available in all good – and terrible – bookstores!) ensues.
A big fan of Red Dwarf’s LIST-UUUUUUH….vs. Tatanka
Crowd of course loves them some Kennedy, and I think I can FEEL THE DISAPPOINTMENT RADIATING OFF THEM [/Cole] when they realise that the opponent is Tatanka. Can’t blame them.
Anyway, very dull match, awful booking if they want Kennedy to get more over. It was resthold after resthold, broken up by a chop here and an armbar there. Kennedy only gets the win via a sneak pin and grabbing the tights.
What did I gain from this match? – Seriously, grabbing the tights doesn’t help. You can still kick out, so I’m starting to think the guy being pinned likes it enough to want to stay like that. Of course, that girl didn’t like it when I pulled that stunt on her. Stupid short-term pills.
Backstage again and this time Vickie Guerrero is doing fuck all to prevent her husband’s soul being raped but pretends she cares by asking Long to call off the match between Rey and Chavo at Summerslam. Interesting how she accidentally calls Teddy ‘Eddie’ by mistake. Long says he has no choice and refuses to call it off. Bellee dat. Or something.
Joehammad’s random mind fart of delightful randomness!: Well, everyone seems to like to make fun of WWE’s movie ventures, but I personally think there’s a lot of potential in a LOTR remake, with wrestlers. Of course, that’s only because I want to see Edge as Gandalf and JBL as the Balrog “YOOOOU….SOAPED MY….AAAARSE!” Lord of the Ringpiece! Huzzah!
Undertaker vs. The Great Khali – Last Man Standing match…or just insert your own ‘Last Man Something or other’ match joke here. Cos it’s totally original, man.
Surprisingly, this match wasn’t enough to make my eyes bleed. It was by no means stellar, but tolerable at least. Daivari frequents the match by pulling out a cheap shot every so often, which pretty much makes him the most entertaining factor.
The match spilled out onto the weird second platform that was inexplicably added to the ramp, and a lot of times they teased falling off it (Along with Daivari) but eventually, after more interference from Daivari, Khali chokebombs Taker off of it through a table or two to the ground below. Very brutal. He gets up at the count of nine though. 
From there Taker keeps on teasing the loss by getting up just before 10. Khali resorts to setting up the steps against the ring, which backfires as Taker reverses him into a guillotine-like move into the steps. Taker then ANNIHILATES Khali with a chair, busting him open. Following this were two more stiff shots, and I swear to God these looked legit as anything. After this, Khali stumbles down for the ten count. Taker wins.
What did I gain from this match? – It’s pretty obvious that Khali will soon be pushed as a goofy lovable giant, and his theme music will be transformed into some hip hop remix abortion, like they usually do with guys like this. Khali G, anyone? Daivari could be Borat! Actually, that could rule!
Vito vs. Jobber
Vito wins yet again after making the guy tap out to the upskirt-submission.
What did I gain from this match? – That wasn’t a match. So I gained fuck all except an even greater hatred for transvestites. Yeah, I said it. Freaks.
Lashley vs. Finlay – US Title Match
Not a bad match, but then again they’ve been paired off how many times now? Hardly gonna expect anything different from them at this point.
Anyways, as Finlay tries to take out Lashley with Little Bastard, Lashley charges into them both, which causes Regal to interfere, causing a DQ in Lashley’s favour.
What did I gain from this match? – Midgets are persecuted even more than black people? Hope I don’t get an email from some dwarf KKK or something…I’d like to keep my knees.
Post match, Regal holds Lashley up as Finlay prepares to hit him with a steel chair but SURPRISE Lashley ducks and Regal gets the impact instead. As they both excape, Lashley throws the chair AT Finlay up the ramp. Nice. See? We don’t ALL use guns.
Booker is out next, and he plays his role beautifully. The crowd DESPISES him, so he’s doing a damn good job. He tells Batista to come out. When he does, he tells Batista he can either wait till Summerslam to ‘get beat like a sucka’, or bow out of the match, and kiss Booker’s foot right now. Sharmell even has a red pillow for it.
Booker sits on his throne waiting for the kiss, and Batista seems to actually consider it (after looking repulsed at Booker’s feet. Yeah, well YOU try running from mall security and keeping your feet fresh, asshole) but of course he instead stomps on the foot and throws Booker out of the ring. The show ends with Batista donning the cape and sitting in the throne.
AWWW JHYEEAH – Well, the highlight of the Last Man Standing match was killer, so I’ll give the nod to that, despite Khali’s involvement.
DAYUM – The amount of squash matches coupled with matches with guys people don’t care about is too much. Tatanka cannot put on a good match, and neither can Vito.
Ok, no. Seriously. I can’t listen to 50 Cent, man. How the fuck can you do that to yourself? I’m starting to think black people aren’t helping the whole ‘persecution’ issue if they let someone who MUMBLES HIS LYRICS to represent them. ‘Parteh lyke its yer burfdeh’? COME ON.

Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).