Hey Negroes, foes, and wannabe Joe(hammads)! Let’s get straight to the action-packed recap this week, because fuck if I can think of a good intro!
 
The show starts off with the main event being announced. King Booker vs. Undertaker, apparently. You know, I would have thought the Badass gimmick would have been better here. Imagine Undertaker’s biker-esque racist insults! Then Booker can defend the honour of all Negroes by defeating him clean, just like he did with HHH when HE insulted black people! Hey wait.
 
Finlay vs. William Regal YET A-FUCKING-GAIN – US Title match
 
Really, is there anything new for me to recap here? I’m not saying the match is terrible but there’s only so much you can do before throwing midgets gets old. I should know, I waste enough Sunday afternoons doing it. Speaking of midgets, Little Bastard soon appears with a huge pop as he attacks Regal after he was chased out of the ring by Finlay, but Regal manages to counter by getting back in the ring and obtaining the stick for himself to use on Finlay The match ends when Finlay grabs the shillohfuckititsastick off Regal and clocks Regal with it for the DQ. Inspired.
 
What did I gain from this match? – You know a few people were a trifle surprised when learning of my Irish heritage last week. And before you go making up stupid stories, I’ll give you the truth right here. Because I’m also English, I plant bombs and try to blow myself up. I also spend the rest of the time writing letters to myself asking me to stop doing it. But you know how stubborn those Irish are! And what pussies the English are! *Explodes*
 
Anyways, Lashley comes out post-match, and unleashes A STUNNING AND AWE-INSPIRING…fall to the floor. Because Finlay smacked him on the head. That kinda reminds me of when I started a one-man riot for semi-black men’s rights. Was much quicker though…
 
However, Regal and Lashley appear to be teaming up against the Soft Spoken one, but instead Finlay shoves Regal right into a Dominator as Finlay escapes. I suppose us English are fairly gullible. AhemcoughDVDpleaseSeanahem.
 
Elijah Burke w/ Sylvester Turkay vs. Scott Wright
 
I don’t think the WWE has had a partnership consisting of such stupid names since The Mean Street Posse. Anyways, Burke shows his true professional lethal fighting skills by hitting what may be one of the lamest finishers ever, the Stroke. The fact he gives it a stupid name (The Elijah Experience) doesn’t help either. He then wins via a scissored armbar to...well, the arm.
 
What did I gain from this match? – Hey, so if Matt Hardy choked on a Turkey, then Scott Wright must have, like, um…God damn you for making better jokes, Carless.
 
WWE proves it’s headed by a sadistic motherfuck by issuing us with small irritating doses of the divas throughout the night instead of one painful jab at ONE point in the night. They’re being interviewed like on RAW, except they get hit in the face with a pie for…some reason. I would prefer to hit them with watermelons. It’s not comical, but it knocks them out for long enough to issue them with a cream pie of my own! Wink-wink!
 
 
Kristal vs. Ashley – We don’t need so stinkin’ surnames! Match
 
Kristal manages to get the win over Ashley after rolling her up and hooking the tights. Oh yeah, when I do that to women, it’s sexual harassment…
 
What did I gain from this match? – As if you really cared about this match, seriously. What? You DID? Are you a fucking moron? Log off your computer you schmuck. I can smell your retardation from here. It smells like armpits.
 
 
Tatanka vs. Sylvan
 
I didn’t think it was humanly possible to care about a match LESS than a Diva one. Tatanka wins after a sideslam.
 
What did I gain from this match? - As much as Sylvan bores me, not exactly the best way to get a new character over. Oh, what, because Tatanka is in line for a monumental push isn’t he? Fucking idiots.
 
 
BATISTUUUUUH….vs. KEN-EH-DAY
 
After an initial dropkick to the knee (which is sold valiantly by Batista) Kennedy chooses to work on said appendage. Like lesser experimental housewives, they exchange clotheslines, and the nBatista hits his spinebuster.
 
Man, they spend all that time pussy-footing along with this thing, making sure neither man looked bad, then they go out and make Kennedy job cleanly to the Batista Bomb.
 
What did I gain from this match? – What awful booking. You might say it was…Sin-ISTUUUUUUUH!
 
So far it’s more than halfway through the show and we’ve had THE EXACT SAME SMACKDOWN AS LAST WEEK. Talk about stuck in a rut. I should have just re-posted last week’s recap, Jesus.
 
Vito vs. Brooklyn Brawler
 
Oh GOD this is lame. I know the roster is thin, Vince, but it would be much easier to just end the brand split than subject us to the friggin’ Brawler again.
 
Anyway, Vito of course wins by hitting his Implant DDT then the keylock submission.
 
What did I gain from this match? – Visual herpes.
 
Michelle McCool is now out with a new tag team(!) Holy shit, a tag division! Consisted of...two teams! WWE is really getting places these days!
 
Funki (Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty) vs. Idol Stevens and KC James
 
Well this was hardly going to be a competitive bout, and of course the new guys squash Funki like a pair of motherfuckers.
 
What did I gain from this match? – Is Idol’s tag partner the elusive third member of the James Gang? No? Oh. Never mind then.
 
Chavo came out for one long-ass promo, but it was still an interesting one. In a nutshell, he is pissed off because Rey has been stealing what belongs to him, in relation to Eddie’s death, as he has been using Eddie’s name to get to the top, despite not even being a Guerrero. This is why he attacked him. Now, the thing is, it’s a tough situation because kayfabe-wise, yeah, Rey is doing that because he dedicated every other fucking match to Eddie just to make them matter. However, also kayfabe-wise, Chavo is claiming that HE should have been the one to leech off of Eddie. Now the problem that occurs is this. They are both wrong, because the only people who are leeching off it are WWE. And seriously fuck Vickie Guerrero for letting this happen, Jesus Christ.
 
Anyway Rey comes out and they brawl. Vickie comes out to separate them, and I am seriously disgusted with the way this is going on. It’s only a few months till the anniversary of Eddie’s death. How long can this go on?
 
Anyways, I must soldier on. After all I ain’t said anything offensive in a while…RAPE IS OK!
 
King Booker vs. Undertaker – Non-title, so therefore pointless match
 
You know what’s awesome is King Booker could hire a few guys to do Voodoo for him this time!
 
Taker dominates for most of the first half but ends up distracted by Sharmell. Booker takes advantage by sending Taker off the top rope as he went for the Old School. After a while Booker goes for the Scissors kick but misses and is met with a flurry of fists followed closely by a snake eyes and big boot. Two count.
 
The chokeslam is hit, but Khali makes his way out and attacks Taker for the DQ. Could they PLEASE make a more original ending?
 
What did I gain from this match? – In response to some callous emails, no I shall not refer to Booker as King Solomon from now on, you white devil bastards.
 
Post-match Taker challenges Khali to a Last Man Standing match. Bad idea, Taker. I don’t think Khali is even mobile enough to lie down.
 
End show
 
AWWW JHYEEEAH – Oh boy, a pretty terrible week this week. I have to go with the Main event simply because it didn’t do too much wrong
 
DAYUM – The Divas and probably the amount of rematches too. Christ this card was lame.
 
And now…
 
PRETTY FLY FOR A SEMI-BLACK GUY
 
I have made better progress this week! In fact, I no longer even type these recaps out on Microsoft Word! I instead use: