Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (04/10/09)
Divas Champion Maryse and Michelle McCool vs. Gail Kim and Maria
Michelle and Maria start things off, with Michelle doing her usual dominance routine after the lock-up. A Gail Kim distraction allows Maria to get in a kick to the face for 2. Maryse returns the favor with a distraction of her own, allowing Michelle to hit a big boot for 2. Tag to Maryse, who gets in a few punches before tagging back to Michelle, who also punches a few times before tagging back to Maryse. Maryse ties Maria in the tree of woe and tags to Michelle, who hits a low dropkick. Tag to Mar yse, who works a camel cluth until Maria escapes and tags to Gail Kim. Gail hits several corner clotheslines before nailing a crossbody for 2. Michelle tries to interfere, but Gail kicks her out of the ring, then hits what I can only describe as an epic kick to the face. Basically, she put her boot to Maryse's face, grabbed Maryse's arm, and fell on her back, causing Maryse's head to bounce off her foot. It was awesome. Neckbreaker follows for the win.
WINNERS: Gail Kim and Maria.
MVP is putting his gloves on when Eve approaches and asks him who will win tonight. MVP explains his 3 Step Plan: retain the US title tonight, win Money in the Bank Sunday, and cash in that same night to win a world title. On paper, a great idea. GET THIS MAN A GOVERNMENT JOB. Shelton interrupts and says Step 1 won't even happen because he plans on winning the title because he's angry and athletic. Angry and athletic? Sounds like every NFL player's excuse for getting arrested! BURN! MVP says that may be so, but he'll retain tonight because he's better than Shelton. That match happens later tonight, but next, we go to the WrestleMania Axxess tour. Ugh.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Ma'am, I don't need Dish Network. Stop behaving maniacally.
Jeff Hardy does battle with Ezekiel Jackson tonight, but who cares about that shit when we can se Hornswoggle's house and a not-so-spooky Undertaker graveyard? That's right, fans, it's the WrestleMania Axxess tour, where you can do all the pointless shit you've ever wanted to do in your life! Our hosts for this craptacular are Tard Grisham and Jerry "The King" Lawler. Why this is happening instead of actual matches or build-up is beyond me. A Hardy vs. Hardy recap follows.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: The Day The Earth Stood Still. For those of us who NEED to see Keanu Reeves speak Japanese, stalk Will Smith's son, and math battle John Cleese. Yes, he math battles a Python. And loses.
We return to the Axxess Tour, where kids are playing in inflatible rings and people who can't stand the pain of the real deal are getting spray-on tattoos. This is truly what WrestleMania is all about. A quick recap of all the goodness leading up to the World Heavyweight Title match at 'Mania. And by "goodness", I mean the exact opposite of that.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I have yet to go to a Sonny's. Does that make me a loser?
A recap of Show beating Cena on RAW and Edge's subsequent attack is followed by Edge appearing with his title. Edge says he had an enlightening moment whilst repeatedly punching Cena in the head. If this is true, Cena better start keeping an eye out for those Buddhists. During said moment, Edge remembered he's the best in the world (but not the best there is, was, and ever will be) and that the World Heavyweight Championship confirms this. Edge says he'll never let the title go and that he's better than Cen a and Show in spite of their respective strength and size. So, what did we learn from this, kids? If you want to reach Enlightenment, go punch John Cena in the head a few times!
Kid Rock is gonna be at WrestleMania! Do I care? Not in the slightest. Can't they ever book some decent music?
Tard and King return to mock Santino's mankini, despite it being the highlight of RAW for me. Said mockery is followed by a few clips from the 18 Diva clusterfuck on RAW. Can't they just let the technically sound ladies wrestle while all the pretty faces watch?
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I could be a great Indy racer if I could only turn left.
Shelton Benjamin vs. US Champion MVP (US Title Match)
Shelton starts things off with kicks and punches, but MVP rebounds with a forearm to the face and some punches of his own. Shelton escapes the punches with a kick to the knee and powerbombs MVP into the corner for 2. Shelton tosses MVP from the ring and follows him out to toss him into the steel steps before rolling him back in the ring for 2. A knee to the back is followed by a chinlock, but MVP fights out, only to get T-bone suplexed for 2. A modified camel clutch is worked, but MVP escapes with an electric chair. Shelton recovers with a jawbreaker, but misses on the Stinger Splash attempt, allowing MVP to hit an overhead throw for 2. Punches are followed by a scoop powerslam, which is followed by a knee to a head, which is followed by THE BALLIN' ELBOW for 2. God, I love that move. Shelton comes back with a dragon whip and hits and incredible top rope diving throwback neckbreaker that surprisingly only gets 2. MVP hits a big boot and follows with the Playmaker to win.
WINNER AND STILL US CHAMPION: MVP.
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: Monsters vs. Aliens could be total crap and I'd still see it because Hugh Laurie is in it.
We return to the garbage-fest that is the Axxess Tour. Some bearded teen tries to perform John Morrison's entrance, while a 4-year old tries Batista's entrance...to Rey Mysterio's music. Fail, kid. Every WWE title belt ever made is on display, as well as some Superstar artwork. Santino is actually a very good artist. The drawing he did that I saw on Miz's MySpace video were quite awesome. The Hell in a Cell structure is also on display in case any of the kids want to have fun in THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND ! King and Tard rant about how awesome it is that Mickey Rourke will be at WrestleMania and then turn their attention to the Hall of Fame. After all, the greatest inductee of all time is finally getting his due: KOKO B. WARE! BIRD BIRD BIRD, BABY!
COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: How do people think up these drug commercials? Do they just drive around aimlessly until they come up with a clever slogan?
Jeff Hardy vs. Ezekiel Jackson W/ The Brian Kendrick
Zeke is from Harlem? It's official. Zeke's the blackest guy ever, no questions asked. And hold up a second? How is it Big Zeke can laugh off a chairshot from the mighty Triple H, but a few shots from not-so mighty Jeff Hardy floor the guy? My guess is Zeke no-sold to piss Trips off and that's the reason behind Kendrick's de-push.
Zeke gets in a few punches early on, but Jeff puts a quick end to that with a drop toe hold in the corner and a crazy corner kick. Jeff goes for the Twist of Fate, but Zeke tosses him away and hits a shoulderblock. Zeke destroys Jeff in the corner and works the longest bearhug I have seen in some time. After a while, Jeff escapes and nearly crushes Zeke's skull with a Whisper in the Wind. I mean, he partially landed on Zeke's head. That had to hurt. A clothesline sends Zeke to the outside and Jeff foll ows with a diving crossbody onto Zeke and Kendrick. Kendrick is taken out when he's tossed into the barricade and Zeke eats dropkick when he tries to get back in the ring. A DDT is followed by a Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb seals it.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy.
Well, that ends this dull edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. Join me next week as I get to enjoy all the zany antics bound to follow after WrestleMania.
The following was randomly translated using Leon's Random Generators (thanks Ian!):
Shane Steele is a facetiously awesome nit. He quite enjoys writing these recaps, but unimaginative so enjoys writing the shocking in rancid at the suppository. Thanks to the putrescent thinking of one Ian Sparke, Shane found Leon's gravitational pentagram and used it to create this codpiece masterpiece. Thanks Ian! Keep sending in those ideas, folks! emotionally. I need studded.
Tonight, John Cena will be Edge's guest on The Cutting Edge, but that isn't important now, as Matt Hardy is in the ring with a mic. If he was face, this would be a bad thing, but he's not, so I await what he has to say. Hold on a minute. The departed Tazz's replacement is...TARD GRISHAM! ARGH! I was hoping JBL would retire to fill this gap, not leave it open for Tard Grisham. Ugh. Anyway, Matt talks about WrestleMania moments at 25 (there weren't a lot of them), touching on 'Taker vs. Michaels be fore getting to his match with Jeff. Matt says his victory was the best WrestleMania moment ever and it just proves he's the better Hardy. But mere victory is not enough for our dog-loving friend, as he promises to wipe Jeff out of existence. Matt wants Jeff to come out to the fans and apologize for sucking so much or else he'll leave the building strapped to a stretcher. Foreshadowing? Jeff heads for the ring, redneck-surfer-punk look in full swing tonight, and tries to attack, but Matt rolls out and slinks up the ramp. But holla holla holla! It's Teddy Long, presumably here to make one of the two face THE UNDATAYKAH! Sadly, no. Teddy just follows the earlier foreshadowing and books a stretcher match between the two.
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Biggest problem with the show: WHY WEREN'T MIZ AND MORRISON ON THE PPV DESPITE BEING ADVERTISED AS PART OF THE CARD? That was the one match I was really looking forward to and WWE totally blew it for me. Also, the Colons, who have no webshow, get no promo time, and therefore, have a much smaller fanbase, get the unified tag belts? LAME AND NONSENSICAL.
Eve is backstage with Kofi Kingston, rocking the awesome hoody he had at WM25. Eve asks about his first WrestleMania and Kofi replies that he always dreamed of shocking the world, ever since he built his own wrestling ring in his backyard. Remember, kids! Backyard wrestling is dangerous, unless you become successful later on! Then it's OK! Kofi says he did shock the world in the Money in the Bank ladder match, and in my opinion, he did give the best performance of all the guys in the match. Kofi promises an other shock when he beats Big Show tonight.
Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston W/ Awesome Hoody-Pants combo
Kofi gets dropped on his head by Show, but quickly rebounds with some kicks. Show swats Kofi away and starts chopping away. The chops are followed by some punches and a cobra clutch toss. Kofi comes back with a dropkick and some corner punches, but Show shoves him away once more. Kofi dodges a corner charge, hits that crazy between-the-ropes corner kick Christian does, and follows up with a missile dropkick. A rolling kick floors Show and is followed by the boom-boom-boom legdrop for 2. Kofi goes up top, bu t on his way down, Big Show punches him in the face to end it.
W: Big Show.
A quick Hall of Fame recap. Wait a minute, Terry and Dory get in, but Jimmy Jack doesn't? That's not fair! And doesn't drinking beer ruin Cena's kid-friendly image?
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Like Kofi's hoody and jeans earlier, I love how everyone trotted out their most awesome apparel at 'Mania. Most notable were MVP's awesome suit (I still miss the "Power Ranger" chants), Matt Hardy's evil coat and new AJ Styles-like pants, and, sadly, Finlay's total ripoff of The Brian Kendrick's jacket. Even though it was awesome, I still hated him for ripping of Kendrick. Bastard.
SANTINO'S HERE! This just made my night! Santino congratulates his "twin sister" Santina on becoming Miss WrestleMania and announces he's here to issue an open challenge in case people forgot how awesome he is. I did not. Here to answer said challenge is The Great Khali, in the biggest pair of pajama pants I have ever seen in my life. Ranjin says Santino doesn't have to fight Khali tonight and Santion hilariously starts to leave, but Ranjin says there's a condition: Khali gets to make out with Santina on the Khali Kiss Cam. Santino says no while getting in a cheap shot at the University of Texas. Hook that, 'Horns. Khali than says Santina is hot in the worst maiming of the English language ever. Santio tries to shut him down by using his deep voice, but Ranjin starts the match.
Santino Marella vs. The Great Khali W/ Ranjin Singh
Toss, chokebomb, goodnight,
WINNER: The Great Khali.
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Since we just saw him, seeing Santino in the Diva's match was priceless. As bad as the match was, it was awesome to look out for him and yell "There he is!" every time I saw him.
A not-so quick look at Undertaker's WrestleMania streak. I love how the list of victims includes impressive names like Flair, Triple H, and Michaels, among others, as well as plenty of scrubs like Giant Gonzalez, A-Train, and Mark Henry. Gail Kim heads for the ring as we go to the break.
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Considering we just touched on The Streak, 'Taker-Michaels was an incredible match and definitely one that will go down in history as one of the best. Terrific back and forth action from two men who seem to always give it their all at 'Mania.
Apparently, Cena has done quite a lot to promot 12 Rounds including donning a cardboard car on his head on some TV show. If he wrestled with a cardboard car on his head, I would forever be a fan.
Gail Kim vs. Michelle McCool
Michelle tackles Gail to get 2 early on, then starts punching and kicking. Gail dodges a corner charge and hits a dropkick, following up with a hurricarana to send Michelle out of the ring. The girls duke it out on the apron until Michelle launches Gail into the ring post. She follows that up with a knee to the head and rolls Gail into the ring for 2. Gail dodges a legdrop and connects with a pair of clotheslines, followed by a crossbody for 2. Gail goes to the top rope, but Michelle dodges some sort of mov e attempt and goes for the cover, only to get rolled up.
WINNER: Gail Kim. Edge heads for the ring as we go to the break.
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Though the result surprised me, I knew as soon as Rey won that JBL was going to quit. And although I'm glad I'll never have to see his man-boobs again, I will miss his passion-filled promos and occasionally funny moments, as well as remember him for his great commentary.
It's Cutting Edge time! And I wish they sold carpet like the one the ring is covered in. Edge says that Cena has basically ruined his life by taking his title at WrestleMania, then brings Cena out. To add insult to, uh, ruined life, Cena says the champ is here before taking his seat. Edge wants to talk about the World Heavyweight Championship, which he apparently can't live without, but Cean tells him to get over himself and accept the fact that he lost. Ouch. Glad Cena didn't go into therapy. Cena gives us the abridged version of the history between Edge and himself and starts to leave, but Edge stops him cold with a rant about how much he hates everything about Cena, including his clothes and his music. Does that refer to his theme or his forgotten rap album? Both men say they'll be the last man standing at Backlash, with Cena stripping off his shirt (ew) and challenging Edge to punch him. Edge also strips (stop stripping!), but elects to leave, as this is also becoming to strippish for him. Primo and Carli to battle Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase next.
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Surprisingly, a lot of the young talent didn't get to be at WrestleMania. Despite the potential for matches or involvement in something, Cody, Ted, Evan Bourne, Tyson Kidd, and even Jack Swagger didn't do anything. I'm especially pissed about the last three, seeing as we could've gotten a nice little triple threat match out of them instead of 20 minutes of Kid Rock.
Unified WWE Tag Team Champions Primo & Carlito (A Part of Me Died While Writing That) vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase (Non-Title Match)
Ted and Carlito start things off, with Ted punching Carlito. Tag to Cody, who also punches Carlito before tagging back to Ted. Carlito tries to punch back, but Ted kicks him in the face. Tag to Cody, who gets cradled for 2 before bouncing back with a clothesline. A scoop slam follows, but the bionic elbow attempt misses, allowing Carlito to tag to Primo. In a cool spot, Carlito powerbombs Primo onto Cody for 1. Primo tags back to Carlito, but he eats jawbreaker (the move, not the candy) as Cody tags to Ted. Both men eat springboard elbow from Carlito and are clotheslined over the top rope. Ted runs back in the ring, only to get big back body dropped as we go to the break.
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Cena vs. Big Show vs. Edge really didn't feel very special. It just felt like a match they had to make because the World Heavyweight title has to be defended at WrestleMania. Hopefully, Big Show won't be getting any more title shots anytime soon.
We return to find Ted working a waistlock on Primo, but as Primo tries to escape, Ted tags to Cody, who stomps on Primo and punches him in the face until tagging back to Ted. Ted stomps on Primo's chest, but Carlito breaks up the cover at 2. Tag to Cody, who works an abdominal stretch until Primo escapes with a hip toss. Cody gets sent out of the ring and Primo tags to Carlito, who takes out Cody and dropkicks Ted away. Carlito goes up top, but Ted shoves him down and Cody hits the Cross Rhodes to end it.
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Triple H vs. Randy Orton was the God awful piece of shit I expected it to be. And for anyone who thinks there was a more horrible WrestleMania ending, you're wrong. You can say Hogan-Sid all you want, but at least we got to see someone kick out of The Legdrop of Doom, which only happens once every blue moon.
What? Randy is still here? Crap! He goes on to run down the 6-man tag at Backlash and says Legacy will win because they're (and I quote) "a well-oiled machine". The oh-so delightful image of the Legacy oiling session returns to my mind as I repeatedly bang my head on the table.
Tard Grisham quickly explains the rules of the stretcher match to those who didn't know, which is presumably no one. Jeff Hardy heads for the ring as we go to the break.
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: I know so people didn't think it was too special, but I found Hardy vs. Hardy to be a very entertaining match. And that Twist of Fate on the chair was sick.
Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy W/ Evil Coat and AJ Styles-esque Pants (Stretcher Match)
Jeff starts off with punches and kicks, as well as a few corner clotheslines. Matt escapes a crazy corner kick attempt by rolling out of the ring, but Jeff catches up with him and suplexes him onto a stretcher. Jeff tries to push the stretcher across the finish line, but Matt gets off and runs back to the ring. Jeff catches him and hits a facecrusher suplex, but Matt blocks the Twist of Fate attempt and hits a Side Effect. Matt rolls Jeff onto the stretcher and heads for the finish line, but Jeff kcis k him away and clotheslines Matt. Jeff then rides the stretcher like a skateboard toward his brother before leaping off it onto him. COMMERCIALS!
WRESTLEMANIA THOUGHT: Overall, the matches at WrestleMania were good, but the results were rather dull and uninteresting. Hopefully, this will prove to be a learning experience and WrestleMania 26 will be better.
We return to Matt shoving Jeff into the corner, only to see Jeff rebound with several clotheslines. Matt stops an atomic drop attempt and puts Jeff out of commission with a sleeper hold. Matt rolls Jeff on the stretcher and tries to push him once more, but Jeff grabs on to the barricade and kicks Matt away. Matt gets tossed into the steel steps and Jeff puts him on the stretcher, but Matt gets off before Jeff can reach the finish line. Matt tries to run Jeff over with the stretcher, but Jeff gets out of the way. Matt grabs a chair, but Jeff punches it into his face, then dives off the top rope onto the stretcher, driving it into Matt's face. Jeff rams Matt into the steel steps and puts him on the stretcher. He goes up top and looks to hit a swanton bomb, but Matt rolls off the stretcher and Jeff lands perfectly onthe stretcher in a rather painful spot. One chairshot later and Matt pushes Jeff across the finish line.
WINNER: Matt Hardy.
Well, that does it for a rather long edition of The Lowdown on Smackdown. I'm Shane Steele, saying "Hey, I hope the Draft brings Evan Bourne here!".
Lowdown on SmackDown! by Shane Steele (04/10/09)
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).