Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (04/04/08)
They start off chronicling Edge and Taker's rivalry over the belt and the Edgy Guerreros are in the ring, all shitload of them. Normally I'd think it's weird that all these people can't seem to beat a couple of inhuman monsters for their belts, but really, when the monsters can summer fire and lightning and most of the guys can be put down for the night with a chokeslam, I can see how it could get pretty repetitive. Competetive. I said competetive. Anyway, Vickie announces that tonight's Taker-Batista title match will be No DQ. Incidentally, there will now also be No Title Change and No Satisfying Ending! Can't wait. Edge says it doesn't matter who wins that match, because at Backlash he'll become champion again. Oh yeah, and Chavo too, but you don't have to care about that. He says it'll be a wonderful night for his familia when CM Punk interrupts, loud numetal and giant eyeball Titantron and all. He's also lugging his MITB briefcase, which he holds up to show off that boss sticker tattoo he slapped on there . Edge mocks him for losing to Regal in the King of the Ring finals, and Chavo does too, but he just embarrasses himself. "Queen of the ring? He's, he's uh, more like da court jestuh! Heh heh heh!" Edge mocks Punk for using the MITB briefcase to get to the top. Edge said that. Edge. Punk quips he thought it was a better way to get to the top than fucking a horse-cow. Funny exchange sees Edge refuse to dignfiy that with a response and say Punk wouldn't understand their love, to which Punk says dude that's fu cking gross, I don't want to understand. Fuck you Punk, some of us out there are forced to voluntarily recap this show. Edge asks him why he's out and he says he's just here for a public service announcement to remind us the rules of the briefcase. Edge exclaims that Punk had better think long and hard and erection before he challenges him, but Punk thinks he can beat him. Edge threatens him with a match and Punk accepts. Vickie makes their singles match tonight official and Edge claims Punk will be bankrup t after it. What a horrible line to end their segment with. Commercials!
I think I'll fill out a myspace survey. Question 1 : Do you fight with your parents often?
Back for some filler! It's two guys who have wrestled maybe three singles matches combined in the past calendar year. Because ECW is more deserving of Morrison-Wang, I suppose. They remind us Yang won that encounter and caused some dissention between MNMT because of it. ...Get it? MNMT? MNM 2, and also it sounds like "MNEmpty" because Miz is...empty of talent or something, I don't know. Fine, fuck it. Moore is still out to his generic punk riffs despite now donning a cowboy hat. Yang doesn't get to do comme ntary, because foreigners don't know English. Not even the English. What the fuck is a "poppet"?
WWE Tag Team Champions Miz w/ Morrison vs Shannon Moore w/ Jimmy Wang Yang
Mr Nohjo Risin is on commentary for his partner's match and is doing a great job getting himself over. Miz not so much, but fuck Miz. For the duration of this thing, the commentators just ignored the match completely, so I will too. Morrison claims that he lost to Yang on ECW because it was Earth Day and his mind was on more important things like Mother Earth. He was planting trees and demanding what people have done to our fair sister all day. He also congratulates on Coach on losing his title of most unin formed commentator to Mike Adamle. They proceed to plug everything from WWE Magazing to WWE Kids to wwe.com to The Dirt Sheet. Morrison claims he and Miz own Hollywood Boulevard. Is that shit even still in business? That's an old ass theater. Coach continues to orally suck Morrison's dick. With words, I mean, and no, in fact "verbally" would not have been a better word to use. Coach continues complimenting Morrison's amazing abs and sculpted back before seeming to realize how bad he sounds and completely ab andons this line of conversation midsentence. For a minute, anyway. He comes back with "Well when you really count, it seems like you have more of an eight-pack than a six-pack." And I thought Cole's televised anal sex permanently made him the gayest announcer. End of the match here as Miz goes for the Reality Check but Moore dodges and backslides him for the pin.
Winner : Shannon Moore
The champs taunt with their belts from the ring and the cruiserweights do the generic pointing from up the ramp as we get a graphic for Taker-Batista, "Smackdown's greatest rivalry revisited". Bullshit. Anyone who says it's anything but Batista-Khali is a goddamn liar. Khali danced and everything! Commercials.
Question 2 : Have you ever been in a car accident?
Back and we get presidential shit from Raw that you don't care about. Diva time! As you know, Michelle McCool and Cherry are feuding with Victoria and Natalya Neidhart over something. This is Neidhart's debut match and pretty much decides whether she'll continue as a woman's wrestler with Victoria as the new Pink and Black (Widow) Attack, or become a valet Diva and hook up with MVP or somebody as the Black in Pink (Sexual) Assault. Or, something.
Natalya w/o Neidhart vs Cherry
Poor gal already lost her last name. Yet she wins with the Sharpshooter, whatever fuck sense that makes.
Winner : Natalya
Apparently at Backlash there's a 12 Diva Tag Team Match. Yeah. No way you'll catch me ordering that goddamn show! Oh wait, what's this? A Big Show and Khali video package?! Oh shit I'm there! And not just because I have to, nope. Commericals!
Question 3 : How often do you shower?
Michael Cole is in the ring with a mic and announces his interview guest will be facing MVP for the United States championship this Sunday. Very big match feel here and he announces Matt Hardy's name like it's a big deal. Big pop for Hardy who is out without looking too out of place in this big role. The only thing is, he's about the same size as Michael Cole. Other than that though not bad. Cole welcomes him back from his severe knee injury that was so bad it gave him appendicitis. They roll a video of sai d injury. Cole asks if his knee is ready to go and Hardy says he's 100%. There's something severely wrong with Hardy's voice tonight. I'll chalk up the effeminancy to a cold, but if this is some new shit he's trying out, I'd probably lose it if I was him. Then again, his brother has soared to incredible levels of popularity by wearing tight bright shirts and being known as the Rainbow Warrior, so who knows. Hardy says MVP can't dodge him anymore, and MVP's music interrupts. He's out in a nice suit and class y do-rag. He grabs Cole's mic and tells him to beat it and asks Hardy why? Why he gotsta come out here and distort the facts? P tries to convince him all he ever did was try and be friends and it's thanks to him that Hardy is an 8-time tag champion instead of just an embarrassing 7-time champ. Hardy rebuttals the whole reason they even became tag champs was that P refused to give him a shot at his title. Big Hardy chant starts up as P tries to call Hardy jealous that he's accomplished more in his year and a half than Hardy has in his entire 9-year career. Hardy says he's not jealous, he's confident and at Backlash he'll prove to the entire world that he's better than MVP. MVP says he was hoping they could move past this, but Hardy says his mind is made up. P holds up his belt and looks at it before announcing that at Backlash Hardy would be getting his opportunity to become United States champion. He then of course proceeds to clock Hardy in the head with the belt. One of the best belt shots I've ever seen, s eriously. He casually takes his leave and Hardy eventually slides out of the ring looking concussioned as shit.
MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE! Punk is on his way to the ring for his match with Edge. I don't know if Punk should take the loss here. Edge could definitely get his heat back a lot quicker than Punk, since Punk has yet to really do anything to affirm himself after winning Money in the Bank. But still, Edge is main eventing this Sunday's PPV. Oh well, I guess jumping Taker at the end of the show for the umpteenth time is good enough. I'll give this one to Punk. Commercials.
Nah, I don't have carpal tunnel yet.
Reslers For Reading! Reading is for squares. And so is geometry.
Edge is out first and does his humping the ring bit. Punk out next in his Skeletor t-shirt and briefcase. I would've put that in a vault. That way Edge can't bankrupt you tonight!
Edge vs CM Punk
They start off grounding eachother and trading technical arm stuff. Punk with some knees and they continue to work eachother's arms as Cole starts into Coach sarcastically about how people worldwide await his commentary on matches. Oh Lord, if these two have another bitch fight... Cole says "You're just so good Coach!" before cutting him off. Coach says "I hate you." I hate them. Edge with a knee to Punk off a whip puts Punk down. He lays into Punk with boots and "knees to the spine" as Cole accuses Coach o f sleeping with a boss to get his job because he sure didn't get it with his commentating abilities. I'd say Michael Cole had a point if the WWE didn't have such a tremendous track record of putting out terrible announcers like Mike Adamle and, you know, Michael Cole. Edge goes for another knee off a whip but Punk comes back with a rollup for a nearfall. Back to working Edge's arm with kicks despite that having almost no chance of influencing the finish whatsoever. Long armbars and shoulder thrusts lead to a kick that puts Edge down. Punk goes up top but Edge is up to meet him with a punch. He climbs up and clubs Punk but Punk comes back with strikes of his own. They trade blows before striking eachother simultaneously and Edge falls back into the ring as Punk goes tumbling to the outside after hitting the apron on his way down. Commercials.
Question 5 : What is bothering you right now?
Back and Edge has Punk pinned for two. Edge locks in a bodyscissors as they show us Edge landing a baseball slide during the commercials. After a long bodyscissors Punk eventually breaks it and grabs Edge's legs in a pre-Walls of Jericho set up spot. He kicks Edge's back before springboarding him into the turnbuckle. Edge dodges the monkey flip attempt and lifts Punk out of the corner and plants him with a huge Electric Chair drop. Punk is out at one. Double crossbody off the ropes puts both guys down. They exchange strikes on their knees before getting up and blocking kicks until Punk lands a stiff series of kicks culminating in a calf kick off of a whip. Punk picks up a two count and so comes off the top with a crossbody but Edge rolls through and rolls him up for two. Enziguri sets up the GTS but Edge rolls through again with another nearfall. Punk kicks him off and into the corner where he connects with the knee to the face and the bulldog. Pepsi One gets two and the crowd boos loudly. EdgeOMatic follows for another kick out at two and Punk dodges a spear in the corner. Flying springboard clothesline connects and Edge still kicks out at two. GTS looks to have it but Edge leaps off and hits a fluid Edgecution, yet Punk amazingly kicks out at two. Each man is at an opposite corner and Edge is calling for the spear. He charges but Punk lifts him up and executes a swift GTS that sends Edge flying through the ropes and out of the ring. Punk doesn't want to win on a Count Out because that's just not sxe enough I guess. Sign Guy With Red Hat is here, neat! Anyway, Punk gets Edge back inside but threatens one of the Edgeheads who was coming down the ramp before going back in himself. Here, Edge connects with the spear as Punk was still preoccupied with the Head on the outside and he picks up the win.
Winner : Edge
After the match, Edge is unable to get up and Zack Ryder has to roll him out of the ring and support him, so this loss doesn't hurt Punk at all. Still, motherfucker kind of needs a solid win soon. Commercials.
Question 6 : When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
Back to bullshit upon bullshit. Vladimir Kozlov also won yet another squash match. More commercials.
Question 7 : Have you ever made out in a car?
Back and Batista says thanks to Vickie for the title shot, but he knows what's up. More commercials.
Question 8 : Have you ever kissed a stranger?
No. Well, she told people that, but that was only because she was embarrassed to be caught seen with me is all.
Back to more Presidential shit. Hillary won Pennsylvania! Too bad she's still going to lose the nomination to the loser of the election, but hey, PENNSYLVANIA!
Batista is out first for "possibly the biggest match of his career". Yeah, no. Why do people with Batista signs always draw those old fashioned round black bombs with string fuses that haven't been used since the 1800s? Need to get some updated bombs, like ones that look like digital alarm clocks, or Mooninites. Taker is out next, and I remember when I thought Taker was the coolest motherfucker in the world. And then he left and came back with a cowboy hat and it wasn't as good as I remembered so I stopped liking him so much. The lesson here is, don't wear a cowboy hat to your high school reunion, or you won't be able to sleep with the coked out ex-homecoming queen or something, not that you necessarily want her but just the ego boost of the idea of knowing that you got her. Yeah. Yeah...
Batista vs World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker, No DQ World Title Match
They do the introductions in the ring, and Justin Roberts is growing on me. This match feels a little forced, the Edge-Punk match was more electric than this. Plus you kind of know how it's going to end. Nevertheless, they start off with headlocks and shoulder blocks before Batista gets Taker into the corner for some punches. Corner clothesline by Batista but Taker goes for a series of arm wrenches and shoulder blocks. Couple one-counts by Taker but Batista comes back with a lazy spear. Taker tries to apply his chokehold but Batista wildly slaps his legs away, kind of like a girl who walked into a spider web. He rolls to the outside and backs up to the barricade for the comfort of som e random front row tools patting his back as we go to commercials.
Question 9 : That thing that was bothering you before, is it still bothering you?
Back just in time to see Taker whip Batista into the steel steps. Apron leg drop and he rolls Teest back into the ring for two. Old School attempt sees Taker get crotched on the buckle but manages to block a superplex. Batista charges Taker still on the turnbuckle but he stops that shit with a boot. Old School connects this time and he goes for a charge but Batista counters that into a huge spinebuster. Somebody called it a powerbomb. I'm not sure who, as it easily could have been either one of them. And th at's sad. Nearfall! Batista Bomb attempt but Batista gets backdropped. Taker goes for a chokeslam but Batista catches Taker's hand and lands a powerslam for two. Clothesline attempt by Batista gets his shit rocked with a big boot and chokeslam, to which Coach says "Somebody's going for a ride!" I wonder if he thinks The Last Ride is the name of Undertaker's chokeslam. If it was anybody else I'd chalk it up to just a lame choice of words, but with Coach I just don't know. Undertaker picks up a two off the ch okeslam, so Taker cuts his throat before walking right into a spear. Another two count to which Coach exclaims "We've had two or three two or three counts in this match!" Batista gets Taker in the corner for some mounted punches and the crowd is counting along all the way to ten. This of course leads to the Last Ride powerbomb, but Batista manages to kick out again. Taker leaves the ring and brings in the steel steps that are usually legal anyway. He looks for a tombstone but Batista reverses it, just like every other time these two have ever tried this spot ever, and gets a spinebuster onto the steps. Replays cover the screen and what's actually going on is taking place in a little box in the far bottom corner. The announcers are yelling it's a Batista Bomb but I don't know, knowing them it could be a fucking DDT. When the screen blows back up Shawn Michaels is in the ring with a cowboy hat and superkicks the shit out of Batista. I'm pretty sure the back of HBK's shirt says "Creationism" in dripping blood. M aybe there's a bloody human rib below it, I don't know, I couldn't see it all. Crotch chop and Cole claims that Michaels just broke Batista's heart. Too bad I didn't watch it, I must have missed their love angle on Raw. Must have. Taker is getting up and gets Batista up for the Tombstone Piledriver. This connects and he pins Batista for three.
Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion : Undertaker
A series of replays air after the match. Edge decides not to come out and beat Taker up for once this week, despite him lying injured on the mat and unable to stand. Surely if he's hurt they could at least get BAM NEELY to do it. Ah well. END SHOW.
Amy Poehler : MVP and Matt Hardy had a nice segment that made their match this Sunday seem like the big deal that it is. Morrison was also great on commentary, this guy reminds me of Raven so much. The main event was good too, as it was kept short since we've seen it so much before and knew there would be some bullshit finish. However, Edge and CM Punk was definitely the highlight of tonight's show. Great match, got Edge a very solid win and made Punk look very strong. These two have to feud sometime.
Maya Rudolph : Nothing bad on this show, so I'll just say the decision to make a 12-diva tag match at Backlash. Also Big Show-Khali, but both of those are more just me not caring about it than outright bad. Well, the parts that don't contain Khali anyway.
Remember Molly Shannon? : Remember when Edge used his Money in the Bank and you were like "Oh shit!" and RVD beat John Cena with it and you were like "Oh shit!" and Edge won the title with it again and you were like "Oh, shit..." and when Punk won it and you were like "Oh, shit!" I wonder if they'll trust Punk enough with it to use it to main event Wrestlemania, or if they'll just have him use it in six months as a quick makeshift main event for a lackluster PPV. I hope it's the former, so when the new Mr. MITB is crowned at next year's Wrestlemania, there'll be two of them, and wacky shenanigans will ensue. That should be kind of cool. Yep.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).