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SmackDown Rant Archive (April 2008)

April 04, 2008
April 11, 2008
April 18, 2008
April 25, 2008

Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (04/04/08) 

It's a very big night tonight because the announcers tell us Smackdown will be getting a special appearance by SHAWN MICHAELS who will talk about Ric Flair even more. Wow, that's almost as good as the last time Shawn Michaels made a special appearance on Smackdown in a cage match. You know, like a month ago.

In the ring now are some Edges and Guerreros. Teddy Long is there too, but you don't have to pay attention to him. Vickie is still in her wheelchair despite running up the ramp last week. But in her defense, her husband is dead and, with her as shitty at her job as she is, getting scammed disability checks is actually the responsible thing to do here. I mean, not only does she have her own kids to look after, but with Rey constantly laid up with an injury, you know she feels obligated to take Dominic Myster io with her kids on trips to Disney World and stuff. So, yeah. They might lie, cheat and steal, but they just do it to get by. Anyway. Edge is ticked off about losing his World Championship and says he feels naked standing there tonight in the ring. But, doesn't he get naked in the ring even when he has a World Title? He apologizes to Vickie and promises her that he'll win it back someday. Chavo then gets on the mic and promises to win back the ECW Title as well, for the fam. Yeah, the Guerrero name is real ly hurting without being able to lay claim to a title that's been vacated and abandoned more than it has been won. Vickie then announces she has a surprise - they'll both be getting rematches in four weeks at Backlash. I guess they're doing a storyline with Kane similar to that of nobody and Orlando Jordan where every week nobody would beat OJ in even fewer seconds than the week before. Still, Kane pinning Chavo quicker than nine seconds is still going to be tough to do, even if it is Chavo Guerrero at a Pa y Per View. Vickie then announces tonight's Main Event is Undertaker vs Kane in a brother vs brother, champion vs champion, streak vs streak match. The streak being, Kane never having beaten Taker in a singles match. Can the ECW Champion make it happen tonight? I don't know, but I gotta say having the ECW Championship around your waist doesn't exactly put the odds in your favor of winning the match. Or any match.

Maybe he was good, I know he was at least famous, maybe I would have even liked him, but that doesn't chage the fact that Greg Valentine looked like a big fat ugly woman on Raw this week.

Back and, oh what the fuck. MVP vs Matt Hardy as the fucking curtain jerker? Because Backlash needs more time for Chavo-Kane II I guess. Damn. Even if this does make it to the show, what a waste this match is, this should really have been built up more. There wasn't a video package to remind us of their feud, or how MVP tore up Hardy's knee so bad it gave him appendicitis, or even a promo here. I mean it's got at least four months of storyline behind it, not to mention Hardy's return run-in at Wrestlemania last Sunday. . Granted Coach and Cole go over it, but seriously, who doesn't mute those motherfuckers? Oh, well. I guess after having Hardy lose clean to Orton on Monday they needed to do something to give him some credibility. Why that something couldn't have been dominating Domino or some shit instead of killing some of the steam to your biggest feud, I don't know, but here we go anyway.

United States Champion MVP vs Matt Hardy, nontitle

They do try to pick up where they should be storyline-wise by really going at eachother. MVP is absolutely livid, while Hardy seems calm but still furious. They start off with brawling and tumble out of the ring, where Hardy busts MVP's SKULL into the ring barricade. He rolls him back in where he delivers an elbow to P coming off a whip, to which Cole states "there's nothing technical here, this match is an all out brawl!" Yeah, the old Irish whip into the elbow takes me back to Abdullah-Brody or Cactus-Fun k. Hardy stays in control, utilizing more than a few headbutts. He takes MVP down after a hard clothesline and MVP rolls out of the ring. Hardy follows him out and nails him in the head with some elbows and sends him back into the ring again. Upon his entering from the apron, P delivers a knee to Hardy's face and delivers a Final Cut to Hardy whose legs were propped up on the second rope. He starts beating Hardy's head into the mat and takes full advantage of his turn to look dominant before throwing Hardy out of the ring, where he smashes his face into the announcer table. Back in the ring he delivers a flurry of elbow drops and a Camel Clutch, but Hardy fights his way up and gets out with a side slam. MVP soon regains the momentum with a big running boot on Hardy for two. Afterwards he starts to stomp his face and comes off the top looking for a Warrior's Way double stomp on Hardy's face but Hardy moves away and clips his knee from behind upon landing.

Cole and Coach seem legitimately pissed off at eachother. Coach criticized Cole's lack of telling a story by saying "What is this, tv or radio? Tell me some story here!" and Cole sarcastically remarked "Wow, sure is hot here tonight!" before dropping a line about Coach not getting to say much at Mania. The two shittiest announcers fighting over who is worse. It's actually rather annoying to listen to, but damn I hope there really is something here and they have to get broken up. Plus it might get JBL the fu ck away from the WWE Title picture and, more importantly, back in the announcing seat. He was not overrated, seriously. Seriously.

Anyway, Hardy proceeds to fuck up MVP's knee in a multitude of ways before just straight slamming it into the ringpost. Twice. MVP gets up and is selling it by looking uneasy on his feet, but not in that ridiculous oversell to no-sell back and forth sort of way. Hardy plants P with a bulldog for two and so goes back to working the knee. Coach : "I've been told when you've got a guy locked into a move like that and you hear them scream, it-it makes you feel so good." Just in case you thought I was exaggerati ng about how fuck awful he is. P breaks this by pulling his hair, but Hardy keeps on by wrapping P's knee around the ropes from the outside, but P kicks him away and meets him out there to beat him up in front of a little kid in the front row that was just cheering Matt seconds before. Awesome. Upon rolling Hardy back in P delivers a "Wooo!". He gets a two and goes for a clothesline, but Hardy counters with a Side Effect. Second rope elbow to the back of P's head as he was getting to his feet sets up the Tw ist of Fate, but P stops that shit with a clothesline takedown. Great spot followed which saw Hardy in the corner and MVP begin to hobble over for the boot, but Matt runs up and dropkicks his knee, fucking it up even more. Matt Hardy stalks MVP as he was getting to his feet and executes the Twist of Fate as he turned around for the pinfall. Great match.

Winner : Matt Hardy

Forget what I said about rushing the match, that was worth it. There's still plenty of room for a payoff final match, too. If Punk's great match last week before subsequently winning MITB is any indication, this shit definitely made Hardy at least look capable of holding the US Title to any doubters. Commercials.

Anybody that can recommend one, or instruct me how to install a GBA emulator without it fucking the fuck up, drop me a line, or I'll make sweeping generalizations about all you fat homosexual animal-fingering Scientologists who sell drugs to children and don't always pick up your trash. Give a hoot, goddamn you.

Back! Festus in a singles match. Let's see if he looks remotely like a legit singles star, and not just like Eugene on steroids. After the bell rings, I mean, before the bell he looks more like Eugene on Somas, also known as just Eugene.

Festus w/Jesse vs Zack Ryder w/Curt Hawkins

Festus starts off by chasing Ryder and mowing down both Edgeheads. Standard Festus match as Ryder got in very little offense, and even that was just a kick or two and some clubbing stuff. Hawkins had to get laid out a couple times before Festus looked to end it with a very nice fallaway slam before winning it with his shitty F-5 finisher.

Winner : Festus

He looked allright actually, a little clumsy sometimes but he's a big guy. I remember I would watch OVW sometimes, he'd be dressed like a caveman, but I think he was a manager because I never saw him wrestle. I seriously remember thinking there's no way that fat man with a shitty gimmick would ever make it onto WWE TV. I also remember thinking that Vito's new gimmick of a badass shoot fighter was going to come back and be huge, and Ryan O'Reilly was going to get brought up soon and pictured him getting a se ries of big pushes like Randy Orton, except with people actually liking him. Shows what the fuck I know. Commercials.

My favorite thing about OVW was when they'd have Matt Striker or somebody on and make like it's a big deal. "We have a HUGE star guest commentating today, all the way from Raw, MATT STRIKER!" and Striker would cut a boring promo and everyone would treat him like he's some big celebrity. Actually, that was my second favorite thing about OVW. My favorite thing was all the WWE PPV posters they had hanging up everywhere, except they were advertising shows that happened like a year and a half ago.

Back and the announcers tell us that if Undertaker or Kane refuse to fight eachother, they'll both be stripped of their titles. Since when the fuck do they give a shit about eachother? Yeah they team together like twice a year. They're still a soulless zombie and a merciless demon. They're not going to give a shit. Elsewhere, Michaels is on his way to the ring. More commercials.

Anybody else see the fan video of Undertaker thanking Ric Flair after Raw last Monday? Anybody else wishing he was going to suddenly chokeslam the fuck out of him just because? No? Oh.

Back to a recap of Ric Flair's retirement celebration from this past Monday on Raw. Shawn Michaels then comes out and says that all that Old Yeller business may not have been the best way to express how he truly feels about Ric Flair, but he finally got some closure when he went out and hugged him on Raw. He was about to say why the fuck he's even here when Batista comes out to say he's glad Michaels got some closure, but he didn't, and neither did other people. He says Sunday was emotional for him because it was the last time he'll ever see his friend and mentor wrestle, and Shawn took that away from him. Well, I mean, there's always DVDs, Batista. Surely there's a lot of Ric Flair's career you missed. Wait, shit, how old is Batista again? Like 40? Maybe there really isn't much left for him to see. Michaels says it wasn't easy for him, but he had to. Batista says Michaels knows he made the wrong decision, but HBK says Flair told him to bring his A-game, and that Batista would have done the same. Batista says he wouldn't have because he'd put his ego aside for friendship. He then says Shawn Michaels doesn't do jobs. Batista said that. Batista. He says Michaels is the most selfish man he knows. Again, Batista said this. He says HBK should've laid down for Flair. Michaels starts to reply but Batista doesn't give a shit and asks Shawn if he meant those Old Yeller comments, if he actually saw Flair as a pathetic, dying old dog. He then throws down the mic and leaves to "a mixed reaction." Aka, it was pretty quiet other than a few boos and one loud motherfucker cheering his opponent, just because. Basically, he got the typical Hardcore Holly reaction. Commercials!

Anybody else picture Ric Flair killing himself within a couple weeks, in the vein of Brooks from Shawshank Redemption? Still no? Damn.
Kane and Undertaker are standing together in some dark room in the back. Taker looks at Kane and walks off, and Kane shuts his eyes. Goddamnit, quit making the monsters gay. They're big scary heartless motherfucking monsters! They've destroyed other people and eachother. They shouldn't give a shit about one regular match.

Holy shit. Matt Bentley. And that dopey Russian that's been randomly appearing on tv on and off for the past year and a half waving to the crowd. But Matt Bentley! It's about time they brought him aboard, he's really good. Surely you've been expecting WWE to pick up Matt Bentley. You know, the former X-Division champ from TNA? He went by "Maverick" Matt for a bit after TNA started bringing in WWE guys and therefore pushing their original guys down the card? He was in Serotonin with Raven? Oh yeah, and he's also related to Shawn Michaels. There you go.

Matt Bentley vs Vladimir Kozlov

Kozlov doesn't get music or a video, but gets a bunch of boos anyway because of the image of the Russian flag that appears up on the area around the video screen. Anyway, Kozlov fucks Bentley up for a minute, roaring after every move he does, before pinning him after some type of slam, it was quick and a shitty angle. He's kind of like a Russian version of Heidenreich.

Winner : Vladimir Kozlov


The people in the Cool New People section of Myspace aren't ever even conceivably cool.

Back! Yes. Tag match between two of my favorite teams. Actually I don't really give a shit about Moore Wang, but they have sort of became one of my favorites by default. Anyway, it's good to see they didn't completely forget about this team. They were looking strong against the tag champs for a few weeks, but after an unsuccessful title match were delegated to jobber status, so yeah. Glad they're breaking up Smackdown's usual "only two top teams" rule

Jimmy Yang & Shannon Moore vs WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison & Miz

John Morrison bumped like a motherfucker in Money in the Bank at Wrestlemania last Sunday. Benjamin was definitely the star of the match, yet again, but Morrison is undoubtedly runner up between his Moonsault holding a ladder and huge bump being superplexed in the ladder tower of doom spot, which incidentally was executed by Benjamin. Not to mention Johnny's getting thrown off a ladder and crotching himself on the ropes. No way I would ever try that shit.

Anyway, Miz and Yang start off with Yang looking strong after a Rana. Moore gets the tag and he dropkicks Miz and goes for the cover, but since this isn't 1963, it only gets two. Miz then tags in Morrison who lands a backbreaker and the Soul Kitchen on Moore for the three. What the fuck?

Winner : John Morrison & Miz

After the squash, The Great Khali came out and into the ring. The tag champs charged but Khali swatted them away. He then destroyed Yang and Moore. What the fuck? Khali grabs a mic and mumbles a bit. This brings Big Show out for... some reason, I'm sure, and stares Khali down. He grabs the mic and says that since Khali got in his face on Raw, he's here tonight to get in his face. Then Khali leaves. What the FUCK? Commercials...

King at Wrestlemania : If you could win the title with your mouth, Ken Kennedy would be a World Champion right now.
JR, if he was really cool : Or at least Intercontinental champion.

Guess where Wrestlemania is going to be next year? Houston. Guess what the Main Event will be? Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels. Okay, that match has almost no chance of happening, but damnit, it should. Anyway, Finlay and Hornswoggle are still recovering from getting hit with aluminum trash cans at the hands of JBL at Mania, but they'll return next week. Speaking of which, so we found out Hornswoggle is Finlay's son...that still doesn't answer who the fuck Vince's son is. Is this going to be resolved or am I e xpecting to much? I mean, there was a mother suing Vince and stuff. Did that just go away, or...? Allright, I'll stop overthinking. And by overthinking I mean thinking. "Shut up, here's some tits!"

Teddy Long is out now and he's here to announce the winner of the Diva Contest which, unfortunately, isn't like an opposite Diva Search, in which the bitch who wins gets fired. And why would it be? That doesn't even make sense to do it like that. You're an asshole. Long introduces some guys who built the motorcycle that the winner will get. Michelle McCool and Cherry, the two finalists, come down. One of the biker guys gets on the mic to announce the winner. Turns out it's Michelle McCool! Between dating Ch uck Palumbo and Undertaker, this bitch has probably been on more bikes than wrestler's cocks. Okay, not really. Like at all. It's not even close. Anyway, Victoria comes out and says this is bullshit, she's the number one Diva on Smackdown. She tries to clothesline Michelle but McCool dodges and beats Victoria down, which brings out a MYSTERY DIVA. She beats up both McCool and Cherry before hurling McCool into a ringpost. They did something like this once a few months ago with a mystery Diva helping Victoria beat down Torrie Wilson, and then we never saw her again. I was about to start speculating about a Diva faction but I'm just too damn apathetic. Commercials.

Considering all this divorce and lawsuit business, I got to wondering, if Hulk Hogan pulled a Benoit, if WWE would give him the same treatment, or if he'd just get the lesser Randy Savage cold shoulder.

Back! Mania rewind video, followed by Kane's entrance. He apparently had the second fastest win in Wrestlemania history this Sunday. How prestigious it must be to be involved in a nine-second match at the biggest show of the year. Guess Kane got blamed for his Mania match with Khali from last year sucking so bad, whereas Khali was rewarded with a World Title run. Oh well, the ECW Title is still pretty prestigious in that "at least it's not a tag title" sort of way. Commercials.
I wonder if my dad knows I've never had an actual conversation with him, but rather I basically just agree and go "Hmm" to him every day when he's talking about lighting fixtures or which store has the best ground beef or whatever the fuck.

Back for Undertaker's entrance which, of course, got it's full half hour.

ECW Champion Kane vs World Heavyweight Champion Undertaker

This went pretty much as you'd expect and/or have seen multiple times. Slow, boring, and you don't really care even if you like both guys. However it was a good competetive match in the brother vs brother sense they were trying to make it. By the way, Cole and Coach were still trading sarcastic insults and all around assholishness, and not in that funny JBL berating/threatening Cole sort of way. Like it'll be silent and Coach will say "I don't mean to interrupt you and your commentary, Cole, but I have to point out...". I think these guys seriously hate each other because since they've been commentating together, they've made each other, along with everybody else, realize just how bad they both suck. Anyway, as far as the match went, one cool moment though was when they each hit a big boot on each other and went down as the ref counted, and at seven they both sat up at the exact same time and stared at eachother as the crowd cheered. That actually made me interested to see where it was going to go. Unfortunat ely, where it went was to hell because the Edgeheads, Chavo, and Edge interfered immediately after.

Winner : No contest

Taker and Kane both get beat down as I realize Chavo and Edge are wearing eachother's shirts. The heels then back off and celebrate but Taker and Kane are back up and fighting. Edgeheads get thrown from the ring and Taker and Kane each land a chokeslam on their Backlash opponent before picking them back up for simultaneous tombstones. After the match the Taker's blue light is cast over the arena and his music plays because, well, come on. The ECW champ's lucky enough to even be on this show. They walk up th e ramp together, belts in hand, and pause at the stage to look back over their shoulders before raising their titles in celebration. END SHOW.
Hey Big Gulps allright : Batista-Michaels should be good, at least it's something new. Kind of bored by the fact that it's over Flair, but it's just started so maybe they'll add more to this feud to get more mileage out of it. Also, it was good to see another installment in MVP and Matt Hardy.

Extra Small Medium : Don't care about Big Show-Khali, or Chavo-Kane, or Michelle McCool. Yet I'm going to be seeing a lot more of them in the coming weeks. Man I wish I could trade shows with somebody. Anybody. I hate Smackdown. But not as much as ECW, I guess. Or TNA really. Plus Raw pisses me off too much too often. Ah, well. I'm sorry I said all those mean things to you, Smackdown. Deep down, I tolerate you, I really truly do.

Remember Happy Meals : Remember that time Shelton Benjamin went flying off a ladder in the ring through another ladder that was between the apron and the barricade? Goddamn, man! And John Morrison's ladder Moonsault, and Carlito's eight foot backbreaker. Oh, and MVP having the match stolen from him after receiving a Twist of Fate off the top of the ladder! And who didn't mark the fuck out when they realized what Chris Jericho was doing when he locked in the upside down Walls of Jeri cho on the top of a ladder? I don't know which looked like it hurt worse, Kennedy's Mic Check off the top of the ladder, or his Green Bay Plunge onto a ladder. And remember that time Punk, uh, well he...um...shit. Punk hit a GTS? I loved the match, and am glad Punk won it, but by the end of it I was made a huge fan of everybody except Punk and kept waiting for him to pull out his big spot, but it never happened. It's kind of a bullshit thing to complain about, but still, I think it would have made his win a lot better if Punk got in at least one holy shit moment like most of the other guys did.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (04/11/08) 

Undertaker vs Festus. That's right. That's tonight's payoff for sitting through an hour and fifty minutes of shit. They tout Festus as being one of the most unique opponents Undertaker's ever faced. Yeah, he's never faced a big crazy "undefeatable" fat guy before, right Mark Henry, Big Daddy V, Yokozuna, King Kong Bundy, Mick Foley, Kane, Giant Gonzales, Big Show, and The Great Khali? Yeah, this is totally enthralling. Well, let's get this shit started. Reluctantly.

And now, just in case you thought the main event was going to be the worst part of tonight's show, in the ring is The Great Khali. He's got some seriously racially insensitive dancers hopping around him wearing burkhas and raising the roof. It's a Punjabi Peace Offering, and one of the dancers gets on a mic and quotes Ghandi, talks about Indian people, and then says that Khali wants to apologize to Big Show. Khali gets on the mic and starts mumbling when Big Show interrupts. Well that's not right, I mean he was apologizing, perhaps. All of the dancers haul ass except for two shirtless ones, and they have chokeslam written all over them. Literally. It's written in moles. They have so many, you can spell practically anything connecting the dots with a magic marker. My mom said it's because they use their hand instead of toilet paper. At least that's what I think she said, I don't really remember, I wasn't really paying attention until we started being angrily ushered out of the gas station and told never to return. Anyway, Khali gurgles at Big Show until one of Khali's buddies brings Big Show a gold fish bowl full of murky brown water. He says it's from some river and millions of people drink this in India, and so should Big Show. I wouldn't do it, not after that time I had a cup of tap water over at my friend Jamal's tenement in a bad part of town. And I mean, an Indian river must be exponentially worse than old dirty pipes. Show smells it and hands it back, so they present him with a second gift, a decanter of the world's finest scotch, direct from India. As if India makes the world's finest anything other than sideshow attractions. Show takes a sip and it goes down rough, so he hands it back and Khali looks concerned. He mumbles at Show and then the assistants unveil a cage with a chicken inside. "It will lay lots of eggs and you will never go hungry." Guess someone clued him in on Show's prized culinary appendages. Next they give him a baby goat on a leash a nd talk about Ghandi some more. Show hands back the animals and gets on the mic to say he can't describe how he feels, but he can show him. He extends his hand and Khali shakes before Big Show lands the slowest sucker punch ever thrown. That was kind of a bitch thing to do. Khali is unconscious from the blow and Big Show makes his exit to cheers because Big Show is American and so are we, hooray! Commercials.

Angela Anaconda Salutes Your Shorts in the name of nostalgia. Go 90's kids!

Back to a match we've seen many times before with no signs of it really going anywhere new! Although before the match they did air a piece of Morrison and Miz mocking Moore Wang without any alliteration on their wwe.com show THE DIRTSHEET. Still, I thought after last week's thirty second squash these two teams would be through, but that's what I get for thinking, I suppose.

WWE Tag Team Champions John Morrison & Miz vs Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore, nontitle

Holy shit, Shannon Moore actually got in a somewhat less pathetic amount of offense than usual! Nothing new in this match. Yang hit a nice missle dropkick and Morrison did his springboard enziguri thing, but Miz of all people was the one to wrap this up with a Reality Check for the win.

Winner : Read, motherfucker.

They've actually been making Miz look halfway presentable these past few weeks with his new aggression. I still don't think he could hang in a singles feud, or even singles match, but I guess that's why they have the tag title on him. And now we go to footage of Vickie and Edge, who have decided to take the night off and get massages and shit as Vickie's slave Teddy Long stands nearby as a human towel rack, truly the pinnacle of wealthy accessories. Commercia ls.

I punched my grandfather when he was sleeping and he didn't wake up. Ever.

Back to the return of Finlay! And Hornswoggle too, I guess. And Matt Striker! As a wrestler, not a manager. Well, now that I've Debbie Downered this pre-match spiel, let's get this thing underway!

Matt Striker vs Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, Wacky Bullshit Match, Apparently

Yeah. There's water guns and buckets of confetti and all that dumb shit the Irishmen used in their feuds against Khali and Boogeyman. Finlay still made it work by pulling out a couple of my favorite spots of his, the one where he traps a guy in the apron sheet and beats on him, and the slightly less esteemed spot of dousing a guy with a bucket of water, and then hurling the empty bucket at his head. The ending to this thing saw Hornswoggle bop Striker with an inflatable shilaylay, so while the ref was reprimanding the midget, Finlay laid Striker out with a real one for the win.

Winner : Finlay

I like Finlay lots, but these matches usually just make me go "eh". They're not completely void of entertainment, but still, "eh", eh? Commercials.

I've been watching 12 Oz Mouse. A lot. I stronlgy recommend it in the name of good storytelling, good comedy, good art, not necessarily good animation, but definitely good television, and good grief Charlie Brown, just give up, you're never going to get that little red-haired girl or be good at baseball or kick a football or fly a kite, what a horrible way you start everybody's Sunday morning off with. At least some old people like Zits.

Out now is a girl with her pants up, unfortunately, Victoria! She's with her new charge, the busty mystery assailant Diva who attacked Michelle McCool last week who is wearing what looks to be this summer's most fashionable safari gear. Toria announces that this new girl is not only her friend, but also the daughter of Jim Neidhart, known to everyone my age as "that fat dude in pink who you never picked in WCW/NWO Revenge". But then, I hardly ever picked anyone other than Raven anyway. And Han Zo Mon, of course. OF COURSE. Yeah. I don't know if a lot of people played that game, but it's actually what first got me into wrestling, so you can go ahead and blame THQ for your having to read my weekly drivel. Anyway, her name is Natalya Neidhart, they roll a video of Jim Neidhart reminding us why we never picked him in Revenge, and then Natalya says "Mess wit da best, fall like the rest." Quote's a little off, not necessarily Bruce Campbell or Duke Nukem cool, but it's still a step in the right direction towards being awesome. She then ruins any chance at this by going "Hehehe, yeah, baby!" and high-fiving Victoria. Michelle McCool enters now to Candice Michelle's really old theme music. You didn't need to know that, but there you go.

Victoria w/ Natalya Neidhart vs Michelle McCool

McCool comes out pissed off over being jumped last week and takes it to Victoria right away. She lands a dropkick to Victoria's face and sends her out of the ring, where she follows and clotheslines her on the floor. Back in, Victoria puts McCool down with a clothesline of her own and cranes McCool's neck with a hangman's choke...and then just lets her fall despite this being the exact fucking position required to execute her Widow's Peak finisher. McCool the n regains the advantage after Victoria sort of throws herself on the ground for some reason after she was whipped to the corner. McCool goes up top but Victoria is up and lands a superplex from the middle rope, or if you want to believe Cole, the top rope. Unless he meant the rope McCool was on, in which case he's right. This time. But I'll catch that fucker on some other bullshit tonight, just you wait. The plex gets two and McCool turns the tide back with a running swinging neckbreaker and not selling shi t! Good to see Taker taught her something. She then runs the ropes but Natalya throws her jacket at McCool's back, causing her to turn around and bitch, leaving her open for Victoria to sneak a rollup pin with assitance from her tights, giving us a perfect view of both her cleavage and Michelle's right ass cheek. Dear God I'm pathetic.

Winner : Victoria

PS Natalya looks and sounds like a tranny. Commercials!

I threw a box fan at a car going down our road. It's a free country, and we're free to claim it! That's what Pop says. Pop is mad, you see.

Back! Cole's in the ring with a mic. Shit. He shows us what's been going down between HBK and Batista lately. He then introduces his interview guest Batista, but right after he comes out, Shawn Michaels follows. Batista says they don't need Cole so he obliges the wishes of Batista and everybody else watching by leaving the screen. Don't think I forgot about you, Cole. I promised to insult you tonight over something stupid you say and I intend to. Till then. M ichaels says Dave needs to grow the fuck up since everybody else has moved on with Ric Flair retiring except him. Amen. Whiny fucker is almost as bad as a newly orphaned six year old, you know? It's like, stop crying to me, your parents are dead, they're not coming back, and you're too young for your testimony to hold up in court so nobody else is going to know I did it, now why keep bringing it up to me? We just want some goddamn peace and quiet, me and Shawn. But Batista is on little Timmy's side here and says the blood on Michaels' hands won't wash off this time, which frankly is just bullshit. Even if it's been on there a few hours, the bits that don't flake off come up immediately with some running water and a brillo pad. Batista says he don got no respek for all the times Michaels held people back and backstabbed them because, while Batista is no saint, at least he was MAN NUFF to look the dude in the eye and tell him what was up. I guess shooting an imaginary rifle at Flair wasn't a clear enough messag e that he was looking to hurt him. "Thought he just wanted to play Supa Soakers." HBK then yells he didn't have that luxury because he's a lot smaller and so he took to sacrificing his body and taking shortcuts. He then looks Batista in the eye and wants to make perfectly clear that at Backlash he'll kick his teeth down his throat. Nigguh what the FUCK is a brand extension? Get outta here wit dat jibba jabba, honky. Dizzam, that's just crizzle. HBK goes to walk away, but comes back with a superkick that is blocked by David Goliath and turned into a Batista Bomb, but Michaels slips out of that and hauls ass from the ring as Batista nods and smiles at him, as if that's what he meant to happen. Commercials.

In my seventeen and a half years of living, I've never once been eighteen.

We're back.

Vladimiar Kozlov vs Cruiserweight jobber

Hey, it's that weird Russian guy again. I think Vladimir Kozlov will be a great heel, because who doesn't know of at least one local weird Russian guy, or at least guy from a foreign country which you do not know but suspect could be Russia just because? Whenever I see Old Mr. Ivanov sniffing tomatoes out in front of that tomato stand on the corner of 5th and Elm, I always cross the street. Unless of course that lawyer with the cape is out there, in which cas e I just turn around and go a block over before continuing on my way. Oh, right. The match. Kozlov dominates and is actually okay to watch, despite his shitty inverted DDT finisher. He is apparently a World Sambo champion, and I have a feeling that since the announcers keep repeating it, I should probably find out what the fuck Sambo is. Chances are I just embarrassed the shit out of myself. Too bad I don't care enough to backspace. Back on the topic of the match for the segue into the part where I tell you Vladimir won, Kozlov's opponent had very green tights.

Winner : Vladimir Kozlov
Well, that was fun. Know what's even less? More Edge and Vickie! The're relaxing the way all socialites do, with salad ingredients on their faces. Long brings them drinks and he's rewarded with slightly used cucumber slices. Now he's got something new to go with your chitlins and bread ration tonight, that's good. Not as good as having your freedom, but what can he do? Quit? Um, probably. They then make Edge out to be pretty gay. Nail polish on guys is only cool when its black, to show they're suffering inside.

MVP's out now in a suit, and he'll be guest commentating Matt Hardy's match with Chuck Palumbo. Forgot about Chuck Palumbo? So did everybody else. Three years ago.

Matt Hardy vs Chuck Palumbo

MVP is gold harrassing both the announcers throughout this match. It's great they're not tainting MVP by making him black it up with Coach for no other reason then they're both heels. Palumbo controls Hardy with headlock takedowns and shoulder blocks. Cole states that Hardy told him his ultimate goal is the US Championship. Stupid, since they're always saying every wrestler's goal is the world title, but he said it to put over their feud so it can slide. Stil l waiting for a trademark Cole fuck up. Palumbo continues to dominate by chopping and bopping Hardy in the corner. So far the only person who has said anything about the match going on is MVP, multiple times, and put over both Hardy and Palumbo like crazy while still remaining contemptuous towards them. That must be embarrassing as shit when a wrestler gets up there to guest commentate and shows up both commentators. And here we are with Cole's ridiculous fuckup - MVP claimed he has beaten Matt Hardy in the past, Cole demands to know when when, MVP claims he beat Matt Hardy to WIN the title at the Great American Bash last year, and Cole goes along with this by saying "yeah, but that was a long time ago". Bullshit! That was Chris Ben-fucking-oit! Oh. OH. Damnit, this isn't Cole's fuckup, it's Vince or somebody's. What a retarded idea it is, too, to just attempt to rewrite history by claiming some ridiculous shit happened that, well, simply didn't. Especially when you just said Hardy's ultimate goal is to win t he US Title. As in, for the first time. In a somewhat extremely ironic statement, Cole says MVP is like a tyrannical dictator since he's desperately pointing at past success because he knows his reign is coming to an end. Yeah, well, as far as staples of tyrannical dictatorships go, it's pretty hard to top rewriting history and using mass media to give false information and flat out lie to people even when there's undisprovable (that's right) evidence to the contrary just to spin any negative attention away from The Company. Whatever. About the match. Hardy clotheslines himself and Palumbo out of the ring. MVP goes over to "inspect the damage" but Matt is up and threatening him, leaving him wide open for a charging Palumbo to send him crashing into the announcer table. That big useless plastic table cover goes flying off as we go to commercials.

Fuck Highlander Robbie. All that time WWE invested in the slow build to his obvious eventual feud with Highlander Rory over there being only one, and he goes and fucks it up by getting screwed over and now he's probably going to get fired. And I was pissed at Rory for hurting his neck!

Back and both guys are in the ring as Palumbo executes a belly to belly for two. He continues to control and gets a nearfall off a huge backdrop. Palumbo continues to dominate like it's a 2002 episode of Heat, but since it's 2008 and ambiguously gay Italian bikers are no longer over, Hardy finally gets in control and lands a Side Effect for two. They trade strikes with Hardy using his knees and he goes for a bulldog, but Chuck chucks him off and into the corn er. Palumbo then proceeds to run his shoulder straight into the steel ring post and Hardy rocks his shit more with a second rope elbow to the back of Chuck's head as he was getting to his feet. Leg drop to the back of Palumbo's head as he was on his knees gets two but he misses the Twist of Fate and Palumbo plants him with a fallaway slam. Kickout at 2 and Palumbo hoists him up on his shoulders but Hardy reverses into a Twist of Fate for the win.

Winner : Matt Hardy

MVP poses with his US Title outside the ring and takes his leave up the ramp. Cole says MVP is trippin'. Thank God, I was worried Cole wasn't going to look like a total asshole tonight. I should have known better than to doubt him. Hardy and MVP will apparently face off next week on Smackdown from London. That's in England for all you globophobes out there. Commercials.

You can't have a Topanga and a Mincus on the same show, that's just fucked.

Back and Eve wants an interview with Jesse and Festus. Jesse says nothing interesting and Cole continues the trend. Oh, shit - Backlash's Main Event is a four way between Cena, H, Orton, and JBL? There is no way that is going to be good. Edge-Taker II and Batista-Michaels should more than make up for it, though. Undertaker makes his entrance, and it's so hair-raisingly eerie that half the crowd leaves for the bathrooms and snack vendors because, hell, they go t 45 minutes to burn. And that's about enough filler space, I think. More commercials.

Something I made got accepted into the county art show. I didn't go, and I don't know which piece of mine was accepted, but that's still kind of cool.

Back to Edge and Vickie in bed together. It proceeds to get fucking disgusting with a wet Vickie's mouth covered in Edge's cream. Ha! I meant whipped cream, you fools! Haha. Then, after playing with whipped cream and strawberries, Edge cums into Vickie's mouth.


Festus w/ Jesse vs World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker, nontitle

The bell rings and Festus immediately does his triumphant retard jog over to Taker, who promptly kicks him in the head. Whip off the ropes gets him another. Taker works over Festus's left arm for a bit before executing the Old School as the OUT OF CONTROL RABID INSANE MONSTER FESTUS calmly stands still and watches Taker walk on the ropes, waiting patiently to be attacked. Festus however gets a side slam off an Irish whip and lays into Taker with headbutts and punches. A little later, Festus clotheslines Taker out of the ring, but he lands on his feet and drags Festus out. Festus controls out here, slamming Taker's head into the barricade before sending him back in to bore it up some more. Festus does, and controls the match while doing so, and Taker goes out for a breather, but Festus stays on him before Taker sends him headfirst into the steel steps. Leg drop on the apron follows and then a DDT in the ring which gets two. Cole and Coach are stuck on a loop say ing how impressed they are with Festus. Also making sly hints that Vickie and Edge "may not exactly be watching this match right now, if you know what they mean, heh heh". Jesus Christ there are more punches being thrown in this match than in a boxing match. Festus comes off a whip with a shoulder block that gets two, so he gets Taker on his shoulders for his finisher. Taker escapes and puts Festus down with a chokeslam. The ref counts to two and that crazy ole barely-knows-the-rules monster Festus gets his foot on the bottom rope. He rolls out of the ring and Jesse attends to him. Taker runs Jesse's weird ass off and sends Festus back into the ring where he clotheslines THE DEADMAN. Ref bump here, then a hilarious looking simpleton bicycle kick from Festus. He walks over and stares at Jesse from the ring for a few pointless seconds as Taker sits up. Festus makes his way back over but Taker traps him in his fancy new submission move. Another ref runs into the ring, taps Festus' shoulder, screams "OH MY GOD RING THE BELL!" and this match is over, I guess.

Winner : The Undertaker

Afterwards, Taker keeps the choke locked in for a few more seconds before releasing him due to Jesse's bitchwhining. The announcers claim Festus didn't understand the concept of tapping out and so stayed in the hold until he passed out. Yeah, sure. He's always conscious enough to know when to get his foot on the bottom rope, but submission, what the fuck is that? Jesse lays on top of Festus and begs Taker to leave him alone. Taker continues to pace the ring w ith his title in hand before kneeling with it amidst his blue light and fog. I hope Festus never main events a show again. END SHOW.

DING DING DING : The Chuck Palumbo match, for the first time ever anywhere, was the highlight tonight. This was due both to him and Hardy putting on a good match and MVP's great performance as guest commentator. Also, most of the other matches were kind of shit, so...

WAH WAH WAH : It's not that I don't like Festus, although I don't really, but this was a pretty lame match. I don't care if it makes sense because Festus is undefeated...I still don't give a shit about Taker vs Festus and had no desire to see it. But besides all that, it really just felt like such a cop out, "Oh shit we need a main event and we already did the usual panic button main event of throwing the Brothers of Destruction together last week so let's ju st send out, uh, oh hell, just throw out Festus." It's like, where's Mark Henry, you know?! I wish they did more cool main events, like maybe a tag team turmoil for the belts or something, just because it's fun and new and better than Taker-Festus. You can put that shit on earlier if you really want, I don't care, but if you try to pass that off as your main event, chances are the rest of the card is going to suck.

Remember BADUMCHA? : Remember Ric Flair? There literally won't ever be another like him. For all sorts of reasons, not enough different places to work, guys working too hard or retiring early due to either success or lack thereof, guys just not able to really get a chance and see what THEY can do, not what they can do with somebody else's shit. You know, just everything. I don't know why all those people were smiling when they said there'd never be another li ke Flair ever again.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (04/18/08) 

Smackdown tonight comes to you live (at one time anyway) from England, and Chris Jericho is breaking down the walls of the Brand Extension. Along with almost every single other guy on the entire roster from Cade and Murdoch to Shawn Michaels. But tonight's Smackdown supplement is Jericho with his Highlight Reel. He's looking a little like David Bowie tonight as he reminds us he's the SPECIAL Guest Referee between Shawn Michaels and Batista at Backlash. But it's totally a special and prestigious honor t o be a guest referee, and not at all a sign of somebody, somecreative, or something being unable to correctly book one of the most adaptive guys for even one single match since he returned five months ago. Anyway, he introduces his guest Batista and Jericho first wishes him luck tonight in his huge main event match against the Undertaker, and Y2J did a stand-up job of keeping most of the bitterness out of his voice when he said it. He then brings up Shawn Michaels and runs him down before showing the clip o f him accusing Michaels of enjoying retiring Ric Flair before being superkicked the fuck down. Ridiculous hyperbole aside, I think I actually did here some teeth rattling down Jericho's throat there. Or it might've been just the ever-present static on my tv, but I'm telling you, I know teeth when I hear them.

After the video rolls, Jericho says with that kick Michaels basically admitted both he and Batista were right in their assumptions of Michaels as evil and tells Batista "you're welcome." THAT DOESNT SIT RIGHT WITH THE ANIMAL. Batista says he never asked Jericho to be his lawyer and if he has a problem with someone, he tells them to their face before getting in Y2J's face. Jericho does the stuttering bitch bit and says "What, so I can't express my opinions around here anymore, heh?" and Batista tells him no. He's pissed he has to deal with both Shawn and Jericho at Backlash, and doesn't see where Jericho fits into the equation. Neither does anybody else, Teest. Jericho didn't ask to be the ref, but since he is, it's analysis time. He says it was irrational how angry Batista is over Ric Flair retiring. Chalk that one up to the 'Rage. You should see him when he loses his car keys or his wife has to go to chemotherapy instead of giving him sex on his day off. HE DOESN'T GET TO HAVE ANY RING RATS ON HIS DAY OFF, M RS. BATISTA! Jericho continues and theorises that Batista wishes he had been the one Flair hand-picked to be his opponent at Wrestlemania and wishes he was the one that got to retire Flair in his last match . He also says that on Flair's Raw Retirement Celebration, he saw the love between Flair and Michaels but Batista was too cool to show emotions. Jericho turns toward the crowd and asks for a show of hands if they agree, Batista wanted to retire Flair. A shitload of hands go up. He asks for another showin g, this time if they think Batista is more selfish than Michaels. Noticeably fewer hands go up, but I think that's more of a knock on Shawn. There was about to be another question, but Batista stops that shit with a Batista Bomb. Great work, Dave. Now you just gotta get all those people who raised their hands and agreed with him. THEN THEY'LL BE SURE TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS. Commercials.

At school we went on a field trip to a local community college, they showed off their new rock climbing wall twice. That's how depressing that place was.

Back and Matt Hardy is out to do some commentary on MVP's match. I thought they said last week these two would be facing eachother tonight? Oh well, I probably just fucked up. They're still wrestling eachother for P's belt at Backlash anyway, so no big deal.

Tommy Dreamer vs United States Champion MVP, Dreamer Match

I think Dreamer Match and Nontitle Match are interchangeable, don't you? Man, he looks sad as fuck wrestling in a Wrestlemania t-shirt. Before the match, MVP throws off his t-shirt at Matt at the announcer's table. Tommy starts off in control early with very basic shit as Coach claims Dreamer is "no slouch". He wrestles in sweatpants, a t-shirt, and has love handles like a motherfucker, but allright. P gains the advantage with a reverse guillotine on the ropes from the apron. MVP continues to work over Drea mer as Cole claims Hardy has never won a singles title. I guess the European, Hardcore, and Cruiserweight titles just never existed, then. That's cool, I mean if I can be trained to forget entire people like that one guy who never existed and The Macho Savage or whoever the fuck, then what's a defunct division? I guess Benoit was not for real. Cole and Coach repeatedly try to shill shit as Hardy has to keep bringing them back to talk about the match. He does however say he wants to win a World Championship someday. Yeah, and I'm sure all the remedial kids want to be astronauts and firefighters, but you have to be realistic. Matt Hardy has about as much chance of escaping the midcard as those kids do of one day getting out of the lowest income tax bracket. Bag boys for life. BALLIN' elbow drop gets two because it's an elbow drop and Tommy makes a comeback. Playmaker attempt is reversed into a DDT by Dreamer that gets two. MVP sends Dreamer's shoulder into the ringpost upon getting up and hits his huge running boot in the corner. With this, MVP pins Dreamer for the win, possibly because they're trying to get it over as a legit finisher, but probably because it was Tommy Dreamer in a pinning predicament.

Winner : MVP

He's gunnin', muddafucka. Yeah. Finlay and Hornswoggle are getting warmed up for their match. Oh Jesus. Commercials.

Mick Foley in Animorphs should be pretty unbearable. I used to watch Animorphs. Also The Secret World of Alex Mack. But never The Torklesons.

Matt Striker is in the ring with a mic saying he's been embarrassed by Hornswoggle and shouldn't be here because he's got a degree in educational psychology. If he got to talk more, he should change what his degree is in with every promo. He also says he has a 186 IQ. My IQ is 132. You didn't need to know that, I just like saying it because it sounds like a pretty high number. Anyway, the Irishmen make their entrance, and I have to wonder how a channel surfer would take seeing a father usher his small child over to fight a teacher.

Matt Striker vs Hornswoggle w/ Finlay

Hornswoggle starts off by juggling some tennis balls before pelting Striker with them in his, SHALL WE SAY, HIS TENNISBALLS! HA!! Yep. Cole states for no reason that those are $250 apiece tournament tennis balls. "Oh shit, I thought he was just getting pelted in the crotch with those cheapo Wal*Mart rubber fuzz balls!" Anyway, the rest of the match goes like this : Finlay hands Horny a water gun, he squirts Striker with it, Striker takes it and turns around to throw it down or try to break it over his knee or something, then turns back to get squirted with another one. They go through about ten water guns like his, seriously, and Cole's forced hysterical laughter is grating. Striker eventually bypasses the midget and lands a nice kick on Finlay from the apron and beats him down on the outside before climbing back up on the apron and threatening Hornswoggle. Finlay is up, however, and so Striker lunges at him but he pulls back the apron cover and Striker crotches himself. Horny with a drokick on his head from the ring and Finlay throws his son at Striker before sending him back in. Inside, Striker pushes Horny down and slaps the fuck out of him for a few satisfying seconds before going for the shilaylay that gets confiscated by the ref. Finlay in with a shot of his own and Hornswoggle comes off the top with the splash for the win.

Winner : Hornswoggle.

They proceed to shill the new WWE Kids magazine and claim Hornswoggle answers some pretty provokative questions in there. Finlay and Hornswoggle do about the gayest celebration as I keep waiting for Finlay to drag Striker back into the ring and bloody the fuck out of him with a shilaylay, but it doesn't happen. Probably because they're trying to market their shit towards kids now. Goddamn kids.

We get reminded of Big Show-Khali, and tonight it's Big Show-Mark Henry. Spoiler alert, you guys : It won't be good. Commercials.

Listen to Tongo Hiti's "Princess Cruiser". Even buy it if you have to.

Back for our obligatory Chavo Guerrero time. He'll be taking on Jamie Noble, but not by himself! No sir, Chavo's no fool, he knows damn well Noble's a rough opponent. He brought his new bodyguard along. Because the Edgeheads are just all over tv too much these days, I guess. They roll a clip of Bam Neely's debut beating up Kane a couple weeks ago at an ECW contract signing. Wait, ECW has contract signings? I guess the old ECW really is dead.

Jamie Noble vs Chavo Guerrero w/ Bam Neely

Nothing happens, nothing happens. Modified Gory Bomb and Noble's neck is guillotined on the top rope. More of nothing happens and Chavo wins with a frogsplash, with Bam not doing shit.

Winner: Chavo Guerrero

After the match, Chavo calls Bam's big ass into the ring and he puts Noble down with a half nelson slam. Bam seems pretty good. He at least makes Chavo somewhat interesting. Big Show and Mark Henry are walking to the ring, as their match is next. FINALLY. Commercials.

Bobby Lashley's got a new "nutrition company". I am anticipating a number of suspensions to come almost immediately.

Henry is out first and looks at the King of the Ring chair they have up on a pedestal for this Monday's King of the Ring Tournament on Raw. They claim that Mark Henry could become the King. Yeah sure, and so could Viscera. Big Show is out next, and man that tattoo of his with the tiger pawing at high grass makes me never want to get a tattoo. I bet he hates himself for it. There is no way he can think that doesn't look gay as hell.

Big Show vs Mark Henry
Long lockups. Sloooow lockups. Henry breaks it first with a kick and they exchange punches and whatever. All the standard shit is here. Chops, bearhugs, big boots, chokeslam. All this slow plodding big man shit attracts The Great Khali, and he comes in and hits Big Show with a Brain Chop. He tries to throw Show into the steps, and even that looks like shit. In the ring it's a nerve hold followed by a Khali Bomb. The announcers claim the Bomb was amazing. It wasn't. It really, really wasn't.

Winner : Big Show

Video. Hey, did you know that Undertaker and Batista have fought before? No, really! Commercials.

I watch Goosebumps reruns on Cartoon Network instead of doing things on Saturday nights.

Back and Cherry is out first, accompanied by Michelle McCool. Holy shit, does Cherry have her own theme music? It's saying Cherry over and over again in it. What, are they planning to break Deuce and Domino up? They can't do that! I love Deuce and Domino...'s gimmick. Besides, that'd mean that there would be a chance of Deuce and Domino being in two separate matches ever week, and that's just ridiculous. Or, even more unwatchable, a feud between the two. Dear Christ. Victoria is out next with Nasty Neidhart , ready to pop Cherry bloody.

Cherry w/ Michelle McCool vs Victoria w/ Natalya Neidhart

Cherry is all timid and shit and Victoria is hilarious mocking her. She shoves her down and gives her a headlock takeover and wrenches her neck while asking "Where's your boyfriend? Where's Deuce and Domino?" as Coach says in recent weeks Deuce and Domino have been hanging out with Maryse instead of Cherry. They must have showed that in a backstage skit or some shit that I ignored, because I don't remember it. Victoria kicks the shit out of her, literally, before going "GOOOOAL!" and slapping her down to th e ground while Cherry was sitting on her ass. God Victoria is great. Cherry starts crying and Victoria hilariously tears into her verbally and physically. Cherry gets in a kick and a rollup before getting beat up some more. Coach says Victoria, the veteran and former women's champion, is really starting to come into her own, whatever fuck sense that makes. Victoria camel clutches that bitch before releasing her via busting her face into the mat as Cherry was trying to break it. More stalking and taunting an d Nasty says from ringside "YOU MESS WIT DA BEST YOU GO DOWN LIKE DA REST MUAHAHAHAHA". McCool gets up on the apron and Victoria goes to confront her, leaving her legs wide open for Cherry to score. Erm, the win.

Winner : Cherry.

Pretty fun match. Cherry actually did look good those few times she got in a bit of offense. Too bad I don't really like Neidhart yet and kind of hate Michelle, or else I'd look forward to this feud. Commercials.

Chuck Norris used Splash, and something DID happen.

Back to another shitty outside shot of London with irrelevant facts. "Big Ben is the largest four-sided chiming clock in the world and is located Northeast of the Parliament." Enthralling.
Vladimir Kozlov comes down through the darnkess with the sole shining spotlight and no music. It's actually a pretty cool entrance. He destroys a no name English jobber, because actually having Drew McIntyre, Paul Burchill, or DH Smith on the show would be stupid. They remind us he's a Sambo World Champion, so I go look up just what the fuck Sambo is. Apparently it's a racial slur meaning someone with mixed African heritage or some shit. There was another wikipedia article in the search results called Sambo (martial art), but I'm pretty sure they meant the racist one. He must have beat up lots of minorities to become a world champion at it. I can't believe that's a sport over there in Russia, but I suppose it makes sense. It's not like they can play with soccer balls or baseballs over there - the people would just eat them. Oh yeah, and Kozlov won with that lame inverted DDT again. Nevertheless, I like this guy so far.

They recap Edge and Taker next. All three Edges are out sitting in the front row to watch the Main Event, which is next. Commercials.

One time in English we had to make an original book of poetry, except I didn't want to and it was the end of the year and I had a 100 average for the entire year anyway, so I instead turned in twelve pages of original comic strips, with a front and back to each page, with three two-line strips on each page, featuring a suitcase marked with To : Pasadena and a motley crue of varying strange characters that just would stare at eachother and the suitcase with no dialogue whatsoever. In the last strip, the suit case was on a bus to Pasadena, but the bus had a wreck and it blew up, but you see te suitcase lying in the grass unscathed, and I wrote a note at the bottom that said "Should I continue this?" The teacher didn't comment back, but I got a 70 on it, which is just above failing. END STORY.

Back. Main Event. I don't want to do this. It was boring. It was just Batista and Taker again, and not even with a match stip or title on the line to make it interesting, so I'll start covering from after the match ended because it was kind of boring and had a bullshit finish and not much really happened worth saying until after that anyway.
World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker vs Batista, nontitle

They punched eachother on the outside until the ref counted to ten.

Winner : Draw

They continue to fight around ringside, slamming eachother into stuff, and they battle over near the barricade where Edge and his Heads are sat. Undertaker randomly reaches and grabs Edge from his seat and throws him around ringside. before rolling him in the ring. Batista attacks Taker but the Edgeheads are on him, just because I guess, and he fights them off. Taker gets into the ring and Batista follows. The Edgeheads get beat up some more when they come in, and so do Chavo and his bodyguard who come out just to get laid out. Edge escapes and runs up the aisle just as Vickie Guerrero is being pushed out in her wheelchair by her permanent indentured servant Teddy Long. She has a microphone and tells Batista and Taker that because they attacked paying audience members Edge, Hawkins, and Ryder, the company has been put in legal jeopardy. She then punishes them by making a rematch between Taker and Batista for next week for the World Title. Yeah, take THAT Batista! She then reminds them that the winner will go on to face Edge at Backlash. END SHOW.

Boy Meets World : Not a lot of good stuff, at all. Best thing tonight was, I don't know, let's just say MVP or something.

Party of Five : Big Show and Mark Henry's match. I'd rather listen to my parents argue about sex than watch their match at Backlash. I feel sorry for whoever the sad motherfucker is that is forced to recap that shit. Oh wait.

Remember Saved By The Bell? : Remember the Gobbledy Gooker? Remember all the little kids in the crowd going "What the fuck?" and flipping it off? Yeah, well, the same mentality that thought that'd be a good idea is alive again today and haunting Finlay. Hornswoggle should not dominate Finlay's gimmick. Finlay is a badass emotionless fighting bloodying up horrible killer rapist motherfucker. That's just who he is. Kids don't want to see him clapping with an Irish midget. That is not why kids who watch wrestl ing watch wrestling. Sure they cheer for John Cena and Rey Mysterio and all that bullshit, but it's because they think they're cool and tough, not because they smile a lot and use super soakers in their matches and hand out balloons to the crowd. Well actually, Rey passes out masks, so maybe he is bribing some fans there, but still. Targeting children when most of your audience is adults who merely behave like children is stupid. Yeah, you might bring in some kids if you don't completely fuck it up and have a dancing rooster that just completely pisses everybody off, but you'll lose the main people who buy your shit. Kids are the easiest thing to market shit to because you don't have to market to them at all. Just go out there and try to make it good and popular and kids will end up liking it too. Like okay, DX and Austin were hardly designed to bring in children, but there they were flipping you off and telling you to suck their dicks in 1998. What I'm saying is, get Hornswoggle the fuck away and make Finlay kill somebody to get his rep back. One televised murder, that's all I ask.


Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anthony Dean (04/25/08) 

This is it, the final show before Backlash, WWE's most desperate pay per view. Because really, after Wrestlemania, who feels like paying forty bucks to see a bunch of matches you just saw a month ago on a lesser stage of them all? Oh well, it's still not as bad as One Night Stand's card of gimmick matches or Vengeance : "Night of Champions" where you don't even know who half the champions are because they're so sparsely used on television. Anyway, Smackdown!

They start off chronicling Edge and Taker's rivalry over the belt and the Edgy Guerreros are in the ring, all shitload of them. Normally I'd think it's weird that all these people can't seem to beat a couple of inhuman monsters for their belts, but really, when the monsters can summer fire and lightning and most of the guys can be put down for the night with a chokeslam, I can see how it could get pretty repetitive. Competetive. I said competetive. Anyway, Vickie announces that tonight's Taker-Batista title match will be No DQ. Incidentally, there will now also be No Title Change and No Satisfying Ending! Can't wait. Edge says it doesn't matter who wins that match, because at Backlash he'll become champion again. Oh yeah, and Chavo too, but you don't have to care about that. He says it'll be a wonderful night for his familia when CM Punk interrupts, loud numetal and giant eyeball Titantron and all. He's also lugging his MITB briefcase, which he holds up to show off that boss sticker tattoo he slapped on there . Edge mocks him for losing to Regal in the King of the Ring finals, and Chavo does too, but he just embarrasses himself. "Queen of the ring? He's, he's uh, more like da court jestuh! Heh heh heh!" Edge mocks Punk for using the MITB briefcase to get to the top. Edge said that. Edge. Punk quips he thought it was a better way to get to the top than fucking a horse-cow. Funny exchange sees Edge refuse to dignfiy that with a response and say Punk wouldn't understand their love, to which Punk says dude that's fu cking gross, I don't want to understand. Fuck you Punk, some of us out there are forced to voluntarily recap this show. Edge asks him why he's out and he says he's just here for a public service announcement to remind us the rules of the briefcase. Edge exclaims that Punk had better think long and hard and erection before he challenges him, but Punk thinks he can beat him. Edge threatens him with a match and Punk accepts. Vickie makes their singles match tonight official and Edge claims Punk will be bankrup t after it. What a horrible line to end their segment with. Commercials!

I think I'll fill out a myspace survey. Question 1 : Do you fight with your parents often?
I popped my dad out in the yard with a rake once.

Back for some filler! It's two guys who have wrestled maybe three singles matches combined in the past calendar year. Because ECW is more deserving of Morrison-Wang, I suppose. They remind us Yang won that encounter and caused some dissention between MNMT because of it. ...Get it? MNMT? MNM 2, and also it sounds like "MNEmpty" because Miz is...empty of talent or something, I don't know. Fine, fuck it. Moore is still out to his generic punk riffs despite now donning a cowboy hat. Yang doesn't get to do comme ntary, because foreigners don't know English. Not even the English. What the fuck is a "poppet"?

WWE Tag Team Champions Miz w/ Morrison vs Shannon Moore w/ Jimmy Wang Yang

Mr Nohjo Risin is on commentary for his partner's match and is doing a great job getting himself over. Miz not so much, but fuck Miz. For the duration of this thing, the commentators just ignored the match completely, so I will too. Morrison claims that he lost to Yang on ECW because it was Earth Day and his mind was on more important things like Mother Earth. He was planting trees and demanding what people have done to our fair sister all day. He also congratulates on Coach on losing his title of most unin formed commentator to Mike Adamle. They proceed to plug everything from WWE Magazing to WWE Kids to wwe.com to The Dirt Sheet. Morrison claims he and Miz own Hollywood Boulevard. Is that shit even still in business? That's an old ass theater. Coach continues to orally suck Morrison's dick. With words, I mean, and no, in fact "verbally" would not have been a better word to use. Coach continues complimenting Morrison's amazing abs and sculpted back before seeming to realize how bad he sounds and completely ab andons this line of conversation midsentence. For a minute, anyway. He comes back with "Well when you really count, it seems like you have more of an eight-pack than a six-pack." And I thought Cole's televised anal sex permanently made him the gayest announcer. End of the match here as Miz goes for the Reality Check but Moore dodges and backslides him for the pin.

Winner : Shannon Moore

The champs taunt with their belts from the ring and the cruiserweights do the generic pointing from up the ramp as we get a graphic for Taker-Batista, "Smackdown's greatest rivalry revisited". Bullshit. Anyone who says it's anything but Batista-Khali is a goddamn liar. Khali danced and everything! Commercials.

Question 2 : Have you ever been in a car accident?
Once, when I was only a few months old. But to be fair, I was still new to driving.

Back and we get presidential shit from Raw that you don't care about. Diva time! As you know, Michelle McCool and Cherry are feuding with Victoria and Natalya Neidhart over something. This is Neidhart's debut match and pretty much decides whether she'll continue as a woman's wrestler with Victoria as the new Pink and Black (Widow) Attack, or become a valet Diva and hook up with MVP or somebody as the Black in Pink (Sexual) Assault. Or, something.

Natalya w/o Neidhart vs Cherry

Poor gal already lost her last name. Yet she wins with the Sharpshooter, whatever fuck sense that makes.

Winner : Natalya

Apparently at Backlash there's a 12 Diva Tag Team Match. Yeah. No way you'll catch me ordering that goddamn show! Oh wait, what's this? A Big Show and Khali video package?! Oh shit I'm there! And not just because I have to, nope. Commericals!

Question 3 : How often do you shower?
Every eight minutes.

Michael Cole is in the ring with a mic and announces his interview guest will be facing MVP for the United States championship this Sunday. Very big match feel here and he announces Matt Hardy's name like it's a big deal. Big pop for Hardy who is out without looking too out of place in this big role. The only thing is, he's about the same size as Michael Cole. Other than that though not bad. Cole welcomes him back from his severe knee injury that was so bad it gave him appendicitis. They roll a video of sai d injury. Cole asks if his knee is ready to go and Hardy says he's 100%. There's something severely wrong with Hardy's voice tonight. I'll chalk up the effeminancy to a cold, but if this is some new shit he's trying out, I'd probably lose it if I was him. Then again, his brother has soared to incredible levels of popularity by wearing tight bright shirts and being known as the Rainbow Warrior, so who knows. Hardy says MVP can't dodge him anymore, and MVP's music interrupts. He's out in a nice suit and class y do-rag. He grabs Cole's mic and tells him to beat it and asks Hardy why? Why he gotsta come out here and distort the facts? P tries to convince him all he ever did was try and be friends and it's thanks to him that Hardy is an 8-time tag champion instead of just an embarrassing 7-time champ. Hardy rebuttals the whole reason they even became tag champs was that P refused to give him a shot at his title. Big Hardy chant starts up as P tries to call Hardy jealous that he's accomplished more in his year and a half than Hardy has in his entire 9-year career. Hardy says he's not jealous, he's confident and at Backlash he'll prove to the entire world that he's better than MVP. MVP says he was hoping they could move past this, but Hardy says his mind is made up. P holds up his belt and looks at it before announcing that at Backlash Hardy would be getting his opportunity to become United States champion. He then of course proceeds to clock Hardy in the head with the belt. One of the best belt shots I've ever seen, s eriously. He casually takes his leave and Hardy eventually slides out of the ring looking concussioned as shit.

MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE! Punk is on his way to the ring for his match with Edge. I don't know if Punk should take the loss here. Edge could definitely get his heat back a lot quicker than Punk, since Punk has yet to really do anything to affirm himself after winning Money in the Bank. But still, Edge is main eventing this Sunday's PPV. Oh well, I guess jumping Taker at the end of the show for the umpteenth time is good enough. I'll give this one to Punk. Commercials.
Question 4 : Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Nah, I don't have carpal tunnel yet.

Reslers For Reading! Reading is for squares. And so is geometry.

Edge is out first and does his humping the ring bit. Punk out next in his Skeletor t-shirt and briefcase. I would've put that in a vault. That way Edge can't bankrupt you tonight!

Edge vs CM Punk

They start off grounding eachother and trading technical arm stuff. Punk with some knees and they continue to work eachother's arms as Cole starts into Coach sarcastically about how people worldwide await his commentary on matches. Oh Lord, if these two have another bitch fight... Cole says "You're just so good Coach!" before cutting him off. Coach says "I hate you." I hate them. Edge with a knee to Punk off a whip puts Punk down. He lays into Punk with boots and "knees to the spine" as Cole accuses Coach o f sleeping with a boss to get his job because he sure didn't get it with his commentating abilities. I'd say Michael Cole had a point if the WWE didn't have such a tremendous track record of putting out terrible announcers like Mike Adamle and, you know, Michael Cole. Edge goes for another knee off a whip but Punk comes back with a rollup for a nearfall. Back to working Edge's arm with kicks despite that having almost no chance of influencing the finish whatsoever. Long armbars and shoulder thrusts lead to a kick that puts Edge down. Punk goes up top but Edge is up to meet him with a punch. He climbs up and clubs Punk but Punk comes back with strikes of his own. They trade blows before striking eachother simultaneously and Edge falls back into the ring as Punk goes tumbling to the outside after hitting the apron on his way down. Commercials.

Question 5 : What is bothering you right now?
Well, I smell sort of bad. Earlier I went for a walk for a while and took a quick shower when I came back to rinse the sweat off, but didn't really use soap or anything. Plus I got woken up at the ungodly hour of noon and rushed into a quick shower then, so I didn't get to take my usual thirty five minutes.

Back and Edge has Punk pinned for two. Edge locks in a bodyscissors as they show us Edge landing a baseball slide during the commercials. After a long bodyscissors Punk eventually breaks it and grabs Edge's legs in a pre-Walls of Jericho set up spot. He kicks Edge's back before springboarding him into the turnbuckle. Edge dodges the monkey flip attempt and lifts Punk out of the corner and plants him with a huge Electric Chair drop. Punk is out at one. Double crossbody off the ropes puts both guys down. They exchange strikes on their knees before getting up and blocking kicks until Punk lands a stiff series of kicks culminating in a calf kick off of a whip. Punk picks up a two count and so comes off the top with a crossbody but Edge rolls through and rolls him up for two. Enziguri sets up the GTS but Edge rolls through again with another nearfall. Punk kicks him off and into the corner where he connects with the knee to the face and the bulldog. Pepsi One gets two and the crowd boos loudly. EdgeOMatic follows for another kick out at two and Punk dodges a spear in the corner. Flying springboard clothesline connects and Edge still kicks out at two. GTS looks to have it but Edge leaps off and hits a fluid Edgecution, yet Punk amazingly kicks out at two. Each man is at an opposite corner and Edge is calling for the spear. He charges but Punk lifts him up and executes a swift GTS that sends Edge flying through the ropes and out of the ring. Punk doesn't want to win on a Count Out because that's just not sxe enough I guess. Sign Guy With Red Hat is here, neat! Anyway, Punk gets Edge back inside but threatens one of the Edgeheads who was coming down the ramp before going back in himself. Here, Edge connects with the spear as Punk was still preoccupied with the Head on the outside and he picks up the win.

Winner : Edge

After the match, Edge is unable to get up and Zack Ryder has to roll him out of the ring and support him, so this loss doesn't hurt Punk at all. Still, motherfucker kind of needs a solid win soon. Commercials.

Question 6 : When was the last time you cried really, really hard?

Back to bullshit upon bullshit. Vladimir Kozlov also won yet another squash match. More commercials.

Question 7 : Have you ever made out in a car?
Uh, real men also don't make out in cars. It's true.

Back and Batista says thanks to Vickie for the title shot, but he knows what's up. More commercials.

Question 8 : Have you ever kissed a stranger?
No. Well, she told people that, but that was only because she was embarrassed to be caught seen with me is all.

Back to more Presidential shit. Hillary won Pennsylvania! Too bad she's still going to lose the nomination to the loser of the election, but hey, PENNSYLVANIA!

Batista is out first for "possibly the biggest match of his career". Yeah, no. Why do people with Batista signs always draw those old fashioned round black bombs with string fuses that haven't been used since the 1800s? Need to get some updated bombs, like ones that look like digital alarm clocks, or Mooninites. Taker is out next, and I remember when I thought Taker was the coolest motherfucker in the world. And then he left and came back with a cowboy hat and it wasn't as good as I remembered so I stopped liking him so much. The lesson here is, don't wear a cowboy hat to your high school reunion, or you won't be able to sleep with the coked out ex-homecoming queen or something, not that you necessarily want her but just the ego boost of the idea of knowing that you got her. Yeah. Yeah...

Batista vs World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker, No DQ World Title Match

They do the introductions in the ring, and Justin Roberts is growing on me. This match feels a little forced, the Edge-Punk match was more electric than this. Plus you kind of know how it's going to end. Nevertheless, they start off with headlocks and shoulder blocks before Batista gets Taker into the corner for some punches. Corner clothesline by Batista but Taker goes for a series of arm wrenches and shoulder blocks. Couple one-counts by Taker but Batista comes back with a lazy spear. Taker tries to apply his chokehold but Batista wildly slaps his legs away, kind of like a girl who walked into a spider web. He rolls to the outside and backs up to the barricade for the comfort of som e random front row tools patting his back as we go to commercials.

Question 9 : That thing that was bothering you before, is it still bothering you?
What, my smell? Well, since I've gotten a snack, I now smell like Cheddar Chex Mix, so...yes.

Back just in time to see Taker whip Batista into the steel steps. Apron leg drop and he rolls Teest back into the ring for two. Old School attempt sees Taker get crotched on the buckle but manages to block a superplex. Batista charges Taker still on the turnbuckle but he stops that shit with a boot. Old School connects this time and he goes for a charge but Batista counters that into a huge spinebuster. Somebody called it a powerbomb. I'm not sure who, as it easily could have been either one of them. And th at's sad. Nearfall! Batista Bomb attempt but Batista gets backdropped. Taker goes for a chokeslam but Batista catches Taker's hand and lands a powerslam for two. Clothesline attempt by Batista gets his shit rocked with a big boot and chokeslam, to which Coach says "Somebody's going for a ride!" I wonder if he thinks The Last Ride is the name of Undertaker's chokeslam. If it was anybody else I'd chalk it up to just a lame choice of words, but with Coach I just don't know. Undertaker picks up a two off the ch okeslam, so Taker cuts his throat before walking right into a spear. Another two count to which Coach exclaims "We've had two or three two or three counts in this match!" Batista gets Taker in the corner for some mounted punches and the crowd is counting along all the way to ten. This of course leads to the Last Ride powerbomb, but Batista manages to kick out again. Taker leaves the ring and brings in the steel steps that are usually legal anyway. He looks for a tombstone but Batista reverses it, just like every other time these two have ever tried this spot ever, and gets a spinebuster onto the steps. Replays cover the screen and what's actually going on is taking place in a little box in the far bottom corner. The announcers are yelling it's a Batista Bomb but I don't know, knowing them it could be a fucking DDT. When the screen blows back up Shawn Michaels is in the ring with a cowboy hat and superkicks the shit out of Batista. I'm pretty sure the back of HBK's shirt says "Creationism" in dripping blood. M aybe there's a bloody human rib below it, I don't know, I couldn't see it all. Crotch chop and Cole claims that Michaels just broke Batista's heart. Too bad I didn't watch it, I must have missed their love angle on Raw. Must have. Taker is getting up and gets Batista up for the Tombstone Piledriver. This connects and he pins Batista for three.

Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion : Undertaker

A series of replays air after the match. Edge decides not to come out and beat Taker up for once this week, despite him lying injured on the mat and unable to stand. Surely if he's hurt they could at least get BAM NEELY to do it. Ah well. END SHOW.

Amy Poehler : MVP and Matt Hardy had a nice segment that made their match this Sunday seem like the big deal that it is. Morrison was also great on commentary, this guy reminds me of Raven so much. The main event was good too, as it was kept short since we've seen it so much before and knew there would be some bullshit finish. However, Edge and CM Punk was definitely the highlight of tonight's show. Great match, got Edge a very solid win and made Punk look very strong. These two have to feud sometime.

Maya Rudolph : Nothing bad on this show, so I'll just say the decision to make a 12-diva tag match at Backlash. Also Big Show-Khali, but both of those are more just me not caring about it than outright bad. Well, the parts that don't contain Khali anyway.

Remember Molly Shannon? : Remember when Edge used his Money in the Bank and you were like "Oh shit!" and RVD beat John Cena with it and you were like "Oh shit!" and Edge won the title with it again and you were like "Oh, shit..." and when Punk won it and you were like "Oh, shit!" I wonder if they'll trust Punk enough with it to use it to main event Wrestlemania, or if they'll just have him use it in six months as a quick makeshift main event for a lackluster PPV. I hope it's the former, so when the new Mr. MITB is crowned at next year's Wrestlemania, there'll be two of them, and wacky shenanigans will ensue. That should be kind of cool. Yep.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).