Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (04/06/07)
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Anvil's Swagbag The Anvil's Swagbag has eight
girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states
that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles
out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.
With that said, lets get this out of the way.
Mr
Kennedy comes to the ring and brags about his MITB win, saying that the era of Kennedy has begun. But if I remember rightly,
the last time there was an Era of Kennedy, it ended on a sour note…
John Connally:- You sure you want the roof
down sir?
John Kennedy:- Yeah, I like to feel the wind in my hair.
(Roof goes down. Suddenly SOMETHING BLOWS KENNEDYS
HEAD BACK).
Kennedy:- Whoa!
Connally:- SHIT!
Kennedy:- That caught me off guard! Hit me right in the head it did,
that… sudden gust of wind.
(There is a sudden whistling, and then a splat).
Kennedy:- OWWWW!
Connally:- JESUS
CHRIST!
Kennedy:- I know! That kid just threw a Frisbee at me and it hit me right in the eye! Blatent disregard for my
safety! This is like the WORST DAY EVER!
Anyway, this leads to our first match of the evening…
Match 1:- Kennedy vs. Jeff Hardy.
Yeah, it’s a nice pacey match as you would expect
from these two, but here is the question. What is it about holding the WWE Tag Team Championship belt that makes a wrestler
so damn incompetent? After a few abdominal stretches, Hardy fights back, and goes to the top, only to miss a huge Swanton
and… lose to something that looked suspiciously like a DDT. Who the hell loses to a DDT in this day and age!?
Jim
Ross:- BAH GAWD, he just hit him with a DEVESTATING TRANSITIONAL MANOUVER!
King:- My god Ross, that usually marks the
END! The end of anything creative and new!
Winner:- Kennedy.
Doesn’t really look like a winner though,
because Finlay attacks him for hurting his midget, or something. Doesn’t make much sense to me, because I occasionally
pay hookers to do that for me.
Teddy Long is in the back. Next week, it will be Kennedy vs. one and a half men.
As long as it isn’t Charlie Sheen and that fat kid, its all good.
Timbaland is in the back, phoning it in
worse than I do. Seriously, if you think I am phoning it in tonight, couple of questions…
1) How many of you
have had sex tonight? Heh, thought as much.
2) Have you seen Timbaland on Raw or Smackdown!?
Timbaland and Ashley
make fun of Jillian, who says, ’You can’t do that to me! Do you know who my dad is!?’ She then rips her
T Shirt off, cocks her ear to the crowd, and drops a devastating leg drop on Timbaland.
She THEN claims that her gimmick
has NOTHING TO DO with a certain budding singster with a bright orange father.
Match
2:- Chris Benoit Vs Miz.
Not even going to give this the time of day. Miz gets in WAY too much offense. Chris
Benoit was world fucking champion, and yet tonight, he did the job to The Miz, with outside interference from MVP.
Winner:-
The Miz. Who by the way, is still looking like an untalented Red Rooster, only his gimmick is more fucking annoying., What
is his gimmick? HE IS BEING HIMSELF.
Booker is in the back, and is talking about the bit in the MITB match where Hardy
held Sharmell to ransom. They are drawing a lot of attention to this. What is that I smell? Sheep? No… no, it’s
more obvious than sheep. Cow? No…. can’t be… I know what it is… it’s a SWERVE I hate it when
they telegraph results. Back to that transitional manouver…
JR:- That DDT was DEVESTATING! There is NO WAY HE
WILL kick out of this, and go on to win the match, only to have the result reversed because he is found to have a pair of
brass knucks in his pocket, and then move on to a feud with Taker because Teddy Long did not appreciate his conduct in THIS
VERY MATCH! NO WAY!
King:- Oh my god, he kicked out! About three minutes ago!
Match
3:- Matt Hardy vs. King Booker.
Erm… can we just forget all that stuff I said earlier about the Tag
Team Championship belt making people weaker? Just erase that whole section from memory? Gone? Good. These two have great chemistry,
as you would expect.
Last few minutes see Hardy going for the Twist Of Fate, but being pushed off. Booker then sets up
for the Scissor kick, at which point Hardy slips out of the ring, has a quick cup of tea, posts a blog about the imminent
danger he is in if Booker hits this move, fucks Ashleigh as Timbaland watches (yes, he still looks disinterested), and then
returns in time to REVERSE THE SCISSOR KICK.
Nearly gets a two count from the roll up, Booker hit’s a kick for two,
but Matt is BACK up. Boy, is my finger starting to hurt. Thankfully, Matt misses the twist of fate, but rolls Booker up, saving
me from a blistered finger from typing at a rate of knots to keep up with all of that action.
Winner:- Matt with another
shitty roll up victory. And people say the Pedigree is the most pushed finisher in the fed. WRONG. Loosely hook your arm round
your opponents leg, and then trip them!!! NOBODY CAN SURVIVE THE HEINOUS SCHOOL BOY OF DOOM!!
Sharmell gets in the
ring to inform Booker that he just lost. She then points out that the ring is a square shape, the bell makes a DING noise,
and that Hornswoggle is quite short. Hmmph.
She then says that Booker did nothing when Matt Hardy violated her. But I
have found evidence to prove that she is indeed wrong.
( A shaky camera behind shutter doors through which only a
bed is visible. Sharmell and Matt Herdy are sat on the bed)
Sharmell:- Matttt, ssss getttting hard thoo schhhhpeak.
Whaaaat wassssssss indattt drinkkkgggg?
Matt:- Oh nothing. (Whispers) Are you getting all of this Book?
Book:- (from
behind the camera), shit, shut up man! Take her pants off. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Yeah, interracial, baby!!!
Sharmell then
calls Booker a disappointment, which suprises me because he’s balck! And… erm… you know.
Oh, fuck this. I don’t need this. I HAD SEX TONIGHT. And before you all ask whether
my girlfriend will be offended that I spread my sexlife all over the internet… hell no, she wont! She even asked whether
she could actually join in next time, but I told her that I didn’t think THE GIRLS would be too into that.
So,
as a special little present to you all, the one, the only. JOE FRICKING MERRICK!
Kane
vs. MISTUUUUUUH…TAAAYLOOOOR….Huh. Doesn’t work on other names.
Before the match actually kicks
off Regal and Taylor attack Kane but get swatted away easily. Sigh, reminds me of my first date. Trying physical contact with
a 300-pounder and still being pushed away, that is.
Kane no sells a chair (‘It’s got brilliant padding!’
he exclaimed, but Regal wouldn’t fork out for it) and punches Regal to the front row. That’s pretty much the only
way they’re gonna get people to attend their shows in the future. Forced violence.
Taylor then gets knocked over
the announce table annnnd that’s it. That was, erm…lovely. Oh well, at least we know now that Kane can dispose
of two men easily but gets his ass handed to him by awkward fumbling giants.
Backstage ol’ Sharmell is crying.
Oh get over it, you’re not slaves anymore, move on. Oh, it’s about Booker. He comes in and promises Sharmell he’ll
do better, but she slaps him. Well THERE’S an injustice. Hands up who wanted to see it the other way round? Exactly.
Now out your hand down, you look like you’re waving at the screen, retard.
COMING
THIS SPRING…PAUL LONDON. BRIAN KENDRICK. CHAVO GUERRERO. AND GREGORY HELMS. IN…A THROWAWAY TAG MATCH. Coming to
recaps near you…erm, now.
Deuce, Domino and Cherry arrive at the entranceway before the match starts.
Ooh, menacing. Helms gets a quick advantage over London and makes regular tags with Chavo. When Helms is back in he and Chavo
hit a double suplex for a one-count. He hits some leg drops and rakes the eyes before getting Chavo back in who hit’s
a back suplex for 2. So far, so meh.
Suddenly it’s head scissors abound and amidst this Kendrick is tagged in,
who ends up head scissoring Chavo to the outside, followed by a dive onto him and a dive from London onto Helms.
Eventually
Helms is in with Kendrick and hit’s a sidewalk backbreaker for another 2 count. There’s another 2 count that’s
interrupted by London that folowed an axe handle smash from the top rope by Helms onto Kendrick. If that’s the best
they can come up with for an aerial move in a cruiserweight tag match, LORD knows how the booking team would have handled
something like, say, an action movie. They’d probably have Rambo putting ‘KICK ME’ signs on the bad guys.
Heh, I used to put ‘RAPE ME’ signs on the back of girls. The thing is it kinda backfired because I kept reading
them and uh, well…you get the idea. Oh hey look, a tag match!
After a bit London gets knocked off the apron leaving
opportunity for the heels to double team the hapless Kendrick. However, he double dropkicks them both and manages to get the
hot tag to London anyway. He hit’s a cross between an inverted atomic drop and a head scissor on Chavo, and then a top
rope double stomp onto Helms’ back (for CHRISSAKE this is a CRUISERWEIGHT MATCH) but the count is broken up.
Rollup
by Helms for another 2, and another two after a neck breaker onto London. Chavo attempts but fails a frogsplash after Kendrick
interferes, and as Helms gets to the top he gets owned by a SUPER HYPER MEGA OMG Sliced Bread for the three. Sweet.
Hello,
it’s me again, The Anvil. Joe Merrick wasn’t contractually obliged to write a line to lead me back in, and so,
he didn’t. Well, either that, or he is a fat, lazy bastard. Moving on…
Booker is on the screen again. Without
Queen Sharmell. Which was the decider in making his gimmick original and fun. JOY. Apparently somebody is gonna pay. I’m
sure somebody is scared. Or at least will be when they realise they are somebody. In other words WHAT A STUPID THREAT.
And
now for our main event! TALKING! What else? Taker comes out with the druids and such, and is just about to talk when…
BATISTA comes out to stop the guy who can talk from talking so that he can talk himself and further prove that he can’t
talk. That’s what I am talking about.
Batista says he wants a rematch, and then leaves. Short and sweet, I like
it!
All of a sudden, KING BOOKER ATTACKS TAKER! Apparently, Taker is the somebody! Or…erm…not, as Taker
creams Booker, and gives him a TOMBSTONE ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Which doesn’t budge an inch. Lashley gets like ten takes,
all Booker gets is a sodding concussion. Not a good night to be the King.
Medics and Queen Sharmell, who has suddenly
refound her compassion for her husband, check on Booker as we go off the air.
Stored in
the Swagbag:- Matt vs. Booker, I think. Lots of strong work though, as per.
Condemned
to the Dungeon:- The Miz beating Benoit. I know this continues the red hot MVP Benoit feud, but The Miz shouldn’t
go over a fucking speed hump.
More next week.
I had sex tonight, by the way.
Send Feedback to The
Anvil's Swagbag The Anvil's Swagbag has eight
girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states
that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick
pebbles out of his foreskin. He
also loves Mick Foley. Lots.
Send feedback to British Bullfrog
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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