Lowdown on SmackDown! by Anvil's Swagbag (04/06/07)
I just had sex.
With that said, lets get this out of the way.
Kennedy comes to the ring and brags about his MITB win, saying that the era of Kennedy has begun. But if I remember rightly,
the last time there was an Era of Kennedy, it ended on a sour note…
John Connally:- You sure you want the roof
John Kennedy:- Yeah, I like to feel the wind in my hair.
(Roof goes down. Suddenly SOMETHING BLOWS KENNEDYS
Kennedy:- That caught me off guard! Hit me right in the head it did,
that… sudden gust of wind.
(There is a sudden whistling, and then a splat).
Kennedy:- I know! That kid just threw a Frisbee at me and it hit me right in the eye! Blatent disregard for my
safety! This is like the WORST DAY EVER!
Anyway, this leads to our first match of the evening…
Match 1:- Kennedy vs. Jeff Hardy.
Yeah, it’s a nice pacey match as you would expect
from these two, but here is the question. What is it about holding the WWE Tag Team Championship belt that makes a wrestler
so damn incompetent? After a few abdominal stretches, Hardy fights back, and goes to the top, only to miss a huge Swanton
and… lose to something that looked suspiciously like a DDT. Who the hell loses to a DDT in this day and age!?
Ross:- BAH GAWD, he just hit him with a DEVESTATING TRANSITIONAL MANOUVER!
King:- My god Ross, that usually marks the
END! The end of anything creative and new!
Doesn’t really look like a winner though,
because Finlay attacks him for hurting his midget, or something. Doesn’t make much sense to me, because I occasionally
pay hookers to do that for me.
Teddy Long is in the back. Next week, it will be Kennedy vs. one and a half men.
As long as it isn’t Charlie Sheen and that fat kid, its all good.
Timbaland is in the back, phoning it in
worse than I do. Seriously, if you think I am phoning it in tonight, couple of questions…
1) How many of you
have had sex tonight? Heh, thought as much.
2) Have you seen Timbaland on Raw or Smackdown!?
Timbaland and Ashley
make fun of Jillian, who says, ’You can’t do that to me! Do you know who my dad is!?’ She then rips her
T Shirt off, cocks her ear to the crowd, and drops a devastating leg drop on Timbaland.
She THEN claims that her gimmick
has NOTHING TO DO with a certain budding singster with a bright orange father.
2:- Chris Benoit Vs Miz.
Not even going to give this the time of day. Miz gets in WAY too much offense. Chris
Benoit was world fucking champion, and yet tonight, he did the job to The Miz, with outside interference from MVP.
The Miz. Who by the way, is still looking like an untalented Red Rooster, only his gimmick is more fucking annoying., What
is his gimmick? HE IS BEING HIMSELF.
Booker is in the back, and is talking about the bit in the MITB match where Hardy
held Sharmell to ransom. They are drawing a lot of attention to this. What is that I smell? Sheep? No… no, it’s
more obvious than sheep. Cow? No…. can’t be… I know what it is… it’s a SWERVE I hate it when
they telegraph results. Back to that transitional manouver…
JR:- That DDT was DEVESTATING! There is NO WAY HE
WILL kick out of this, and go on to win the match, only to have the result reversed because he is found to have a pair of
brass knucks in his pocket, and then move on to a feud with Taker because Teddy Long did not appreciate his conduct in THIS
VERY MATCH! NO WAY!
King:- Oh my god, he kicked out! About three minutes ago!
3:- Matt Hardy vs. King Booker.
Erm… can we just forget all that stuff I said earlier about the Tag
Team Championship belt making people weaker? Just erase that whole section from memory? Gone? Good. These two have great chemistry,
as you would expect.
Last few minutes see Hardy going for the Twist Of Fate, but being pushed off. Booker then sets up
for the Scissor kick, at which point Hardy slips out of the ring, has a quick cup of tea, posts a blog about the imminent
danger he is in if Booker hits this move, fucks Ashleigh as Timbaland watches (yes, he still looks disinterested), and then
returns in time to REVERSE THE SCISSOR KICK.
Nearly gets a two count from the roll up, Booker hit’s a kick for two,
but Matt is BACK up. Boy, is my finger starting to hurt. Thankfully, Matt misses the twist of fate, but rolls Booker up, saving
me from a blistered finger from typing at a rate of knots to keep up with all of that action.
Winner:- Matt with another
shitty roll up victory. And people say the Pedigree is the most pushed finisher in the fed. WRONG. Loosely hook your arm round
your opponents leg, and then trip them!!! NOBODY CAN SURVIVE THE HEINOUS SCHOOL BOY OF DOOM!!
Sharmell gets in the
ring to inform Booker that he just lost. She then points out that the ring is a square shape, the bell makes a DING noise,
and that Hornswoggle is quite short. Hmmph.
She then says that Booker did nothing when Matt Hardy violated her. But I
have found evidence to prove that she is indeed wrong.
( A shaky camera behind shutter doors through which only a
bed is visible. Sharmell and Matt Herdy are sat on the bed)
Sharmell:- Matttt, ssss getttting hard thoo schhhhpeak.
Whaaaat wassssssss indattt drinkkkgggg?
Matt:- Oh nothing. (Whispers) Are you getting all of this Book?
behind the camera), shit, shut up man! Take her pants off. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Yeah, interracial, baby!!!
calls Booker a disappointment, which suprises me because he’s balck! And… erm… you know.
Oh, fuck this. I don’t need this. I HAD SEX TONIGHT. And before you all ask whether
my girlfriend will be offended that I spread my sexlife all over the internet… hell no, she wont! She even asked whether
she could actually join in next time, but I told her that I didn’t think THE GIRLS would be too into that.
as a special little present to you all, the one, the only. JOE FRICKING MERRICK!
vs. MISTUUUUUUH…TAAAYLOOOOR….Huh. Doesn’t work on other names.
Before the match actually kicks
off Regal and Taylor attack Kane but get swatted away easily. Sigh, reminds me of my first date. Trying physical contact with
a 300-pounder and still being pushed away, that is.
Kane no sells a chair (‘It’s got brilliant padding!’
he exclaimed, but Regal wouldn’t fork out for it) and punches Regal to the front row. That’s pretty much the only
way they’re gonna get people to attend their shows in the future. Forced violence.
Taylor then gets knocked over
the announce table annnnd that’s it. That was, erm…lovely. Oh well, at least we know now that Kane can dispose
of two men easily but gets his ass handed to him by awkward fumbling giants.
Backstage ol’ Sharmell is crying.
Oh get over it, you’re not slaves anymore, move on. Oh, it’s about Booker. He comes in and promises Sharmell he’ll
do better, but she slaps him. Well THERE’S an injustice. Hands up who wanted to see it the other way round? Exactly.
Now out your hand down, you look like you’re waving at the screen, retard.
THIS SPRING…PAUL LONDON. BRIAN KENDRICK. CHAVO GUERRERO. AND GREGORY HELMS. IN…A THROWAWAY TAG MATCH. Coming to
recaps near you…erm, now.
Deuce, Domino and Cherry arrive at the entranceway before the match starts.
Ooh, menacing. Helms gets a quick advantage over London and makes regular tags with Chavo. When Helms is back in he and Chavo
hit a double suplex for a one-count. He hits some leg drops and rakes the eyes before getting Chavo back in who hit’s
a back suplex for 2. So far, so meh.
Suddenly it’s head scissors abound and amidst this Kendrick is tagged in,
who ends up head scissoring Chavo to the outside, followed by a dive onto him and a dive from London onto Helms.
Helms is in with Kendrick and hit’s a sidewalk backbreaker for another 2 count. There’s another 2 count that’s
interrupted by London that folowed an axe handle smash from the top rope by Helms onto Kendrick. If that’s the best
they can come up with for an aerial move in a cruiserweight tag match, LORD knows how the booking team would have handled
something like, say, an action movie. They’d probably have Rambo putting ‘KICK ME’ signs on the bad guys.
Heh, I used to put ‘RAPE ME’ signs on the back of girls. The thing is it kinda backfired because I kept reading
them and uh, well…you get the idea. Oh hey look, a tag match!
After a bit London gets knocked off the apron leaving
opportunity for the heels to double team the hapless Kendrick. However, he double dropkicks them both and manages to get the
hot tag to London anyway. He hit’s a cross between an inverted atomic drop and a head scissor on Chavo, and then a top
rope double stomp onto Helms’ back (for CHRISSAKE this is a CRUISERWEIGHT MATCH) but the count is broken up.
by Helms for another 2, and another two after a neck breaker onto London. Chavo attempts but fails a frogsplash after Kendrick
interferes, and as Helms gets to the top he gets owned by a SUPER HYPER MEGA OMG Sliced Bread for the three. Sweet.
it’s me again, The Anvil. Joe Merrick wasn’t contractually obliged to write a line to lead me back in, and so,
he didn’t. Well, either that, or he is a fat, lazy bastard. Moving on…
Booker is on the screen again. Without
Queen Sharmell. Which was the decider in making his gimmick original and fun. JOY. Apparently somebody is gonna pay. I’m
sure somebody is scared. Or at least will be when they realise they are somebody. In other words WHAT A STUPID THREAT.
now for our main event! TALKING! What else? Taker comes out with the druids and such, and is just about to talk when…
BATISTA comes out to stop the guy who can talk from talking so that he can talk himself and further prove that he can’t
talk. That’s what I am talking about.
Batista says he wants a rematch, and then leaves. Short and sweet, I like
All of a sudden, KING BOOKER ATTACKS TAKER! Apparently, Taker is the somebody! Or…erm…not, as Taker
creams Booker, and gives him a TOMBSTONE ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Which doesn’t budge an inch. Lashley gets like ten takes,
all Booker gets is a sodding concussion. Not a good night to be the King.
Medics and Queen Sharmell, who has suddenly
refound her compassion for her husband, check on Booker as we go off the air.
the Swagbag:- Matt vs. Booker, I think. Lots of strong work though, as per.
to the Dungeon:- The Miz beating Benoit. I know this continues the red hot MVP Benoit feud, but The Miz shouldn’t
go over a fucking speed hump.
More next week.
I had sex tonight, by the way.
Send Feedback to The
The Anvil's Swagbag has eight
girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states
that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick pebbles
out of his foreskin. He also loves Mick Foley. Lots.
I don’t wanna be here. All of my friends are getting pissed, and I’m
watching Wrestling, which is really not good for my social life. It has gotten to the point where I make EXCUSES as to why
I don’t stay long on Fridays. ‘Ooh, I must go!’ ‘But why, Anvil!? Your presence here is so soothing!
Why would you want to leave!’ Erm…. ‘my Gran has problems with her… erm… liver.’ This
SUCKS. Subsequently, I am angry today. Very angry. If anything annoys me, I will tear it a new arsehole and then proceed to
Show starts with Teddy Long in the ring. Well that’s just perfect! Start off a show that I don’t
want to be watching with a person I hate talking about stuff I don’t care about. Teddy Longs perfectly round head is
SURE to draw in the casual viewers that are just flicking through.
Viewer 1:- Ooooh, look! It’s that little
black guy who used to be a referee! INTRIGUE!
Viewer 2:- It just slays me when he says HOLLA. SLAYS me.
announces the inevitable Wrestlemania rematch for Backlash. It will be, BATISTA vs. THE UNDERTAKER in a Last Man Standing
match, because… erm…. Because. Teddy says Holla…
Viewer 2:- AHAAAAHAAAAAHAAA!
segment over. So whats with the Last Man Standing match? If I wanted to see needless gimmick matches thrown in willy nilly,
I’d just flick over to TNA and start watching tha….. HAA! Oh, I’m sorry, I was THIS CLOSE to getting through
that whole sentence without laughing.
Match readies, it will be Kennedy vs. Finlay and Hornswoggle for the… oh
wait, SWERVE. Kennedy apologises to Finlay for his sins and they agree not to fight here tonight, and I check to see that
I didn‘t turn over to TNA by accident.. Good idea, guys, you just take away anything that might be of interest, or might
seemingly be a good match. We wouldn’t want to watch Wrestling! Seriously, there is more Wrestling and less fucking
talking on Days Of Our Lives.
Teddy Long comes back out here to piss me off, and says that tonight, it will be Finlay
and Kennedy against The Undertaker and Batista. Who I’m sure will get along juuuuuuust fine. Yup. No friction there.
No sir. ]
Now we go to the back… FUCKING HELL. There is more dialogue this week than Romeo and Juliet.
Wrestling, wrestling, WHERE FOR ART THOU WRESTLING!?
Jillian beats up Ashley and says that if she can’t be in
the Japanese shampoo commercial, nobody will. Or something like that.
A Match 1:- Londrick vs. Deuce and Domino, Tag Team Title match.
Well, it’s all well and
good pushing Deuce and Domino again. Unfortunately, they have been buried worse than The Highlanders fucking corpses recently,
so nobody buys them as competent challengers. Nor do they DESERVE a title shot. Nor are they actually any GOOD. So what we
have here is your classic Lose Lose situation. Lots of stuff happens, most of it not actually bad. Kendrick gets the old separated
from the partner treatment, but eventually gets the Hot Tag to London, who cleans house of course.
London then hit’s
the double foot stomp, which looks awesome, no matter what Wrestling Federation it is performed in. Although, I think the
name ‘The Warriors Way’ is a bit misleading. Surely, if it was The Warriors Way, you would only be allowed to
perform it on gays and Arabs, and by the time you got to the top rope, you’d be completely blown up through shaking
every rope on the way up thirty, forty times.
So, the match ends with AN UNBELIEVABLY HUGE DRAMATIC… low blow.
My GOD. It was actually a lot better than I thought it would be, and then they had to just go and spoil it by urinating all
over the finish with a ‘low dropkick’.
Back to the back, with Teddy Long and Krystal. Look, I know
the following is neither funny nor witty, but I’m gonna run with it anyway. I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT TEDDY LONG
AND HIS CHEAP HO. I DIDN’T WHEN THEY STARTED THIS DAMN STORYLINE, AND I DON’T NOW. Next time they do a segment
between these two, I will keep a tally chart. And for every word they speak, I will say ‘cunt’ in capital letters.
and Domino bitch to Teddy, he says they should, you know, stop cheating. Can’t argue with that logic.
Match 2:- Benoit vs. MVP. Awesome.
Basically, I sat back and enjoyed this match.
I didn’t take notes. That’s how impressive it was. The idea was that MVP had proved at Mania that he could outwrestle
Benoit. This was the return match now that both competitors are aware of what they are dealing with. Simple, easy booking.
Just little things like MVP rolling out of the ring to keep the match at his pace is textbook. Much of the match sees MVP
countering everything Benoit has to throw at him again. Finish sees MVP try to German Suplex Benoit over the top rope! Awesome.
But Benoit escapes… and gets caught in the ROLL UP OF DOOM. MVP grabs the ropes for the win.
Winner:- MVP. Great
MVP says he will be champ soon. I don’t doubt it.
Kane Vs Daivari.
SQUASH. Seriously, Kane tried to make wine out of Daivari’s head here.Kane
wins in no time, then fights off Regal and Taylor too. No matter what they do to Kane, he is still over. It’s a miracle.
Is it me or is this show flying by at a rate of knots!? I’m only two pages in and this
shit is nearly finished. And it’s not even because I am slacking this time!
Mark Henry is returning soon,
and I for one can’t wait. I LOVE Mark Henry. Their sofa’s are to DIE for. And the easy chairs? God, it’s
like sitting in a giant vagina.
….not the furniture designer Mark Henry? Oh, that fat tub of shit!? Goddamnit.
Main Event:- Kennedy and Finlay vs. Taker and Batista.
First bit of the match
before the break sees Taker and Batista dominate completely. Couple of blind tags thrown in to expose tension, too. When we
come back the tension is still building. Taker tags in Batista with a slap to the chest. Wow, that’s a bit sardonic
for a corpse, ain’t it? I mean, a zombie with a sense of humour?
Lots more ‘faces’ beating on the
heels, this has been a massacre so far UNTIL they begin to work on Batista’s knee. We even see a shilleighleighleghleigh
shot to the knee. They are just textbook dissecting Batista’s knee now, it’s great. Chopblocks galore, and I’m
actually enjoying the match. Batista makes his comeback, tags in Taker, and the shit is on. He beats on them for a while,
until… Batista tags back him. And because he has been stood on the APRON OF CONSISTANT HEALING, he is showing very little
sign of injury. COME ON, TEEST. This isn’t Smackdown vs. Raw 2007!
Oh, I’m fucking sick of this. Batista
pins Kennedy with the Batista Bomb. Gah.
Stored In The Swagbag:-
MVP vs. Chris Benoit. All three long matches were good, for the record.
To The Dungeon:- Twofold. Batista forgetting that he is in pain. Teddy Long. Nuff said.
Part one of my mammoth… erm… two part Dungeon. In the mean time, go read everything else. All of it.
Send Feedback to The
The Anvil's Swagbag has eight
girlfriends (two for Thursday) and lots and lots of fans. He says this is because it is very hot in his Dungeon. He states
that his most embarrassing moment was when he forgot to tuck his penis into his sock one time, and kept having to pick
pebbles out of his foreskin. He
also loves Mick Foley. Lots.
Good evening, Wrestling Fans, my name is British Bullfrog. The more observant of you will note that I am not your regular recapper Mr. Anvil's Swagbag. Unfortunately Anvil couldn't make it tonight so I'm filling in. Don't worry though, Anvil fans, he left me this simple joke
template to fill in:
[insert reason for hating Smackdown, this job, and all readers]
We're gonna be fine.
we kick off the show Batista is beating down Mr. Kennedy. That's quite a push ol' Kens got going there. Batista then gets
jumped causing to cut out. A short pause then Batista and his mystery assailant, Finlay (who is, by the way, an asshole) are
brawling on the stage. Kennedy comes out and he and Finlay double team Batista. A US president supporting an evil Irishman?
Unheard of! Hehe...tenuous. The lights go out and Undertaker is standing in the ring, thus scaring off Finlay and Kennedy
(Undertaker's a lot better than Batista, you see) then Undertaker disappears. Surprisingly, they don't come back straight
after he's gone.
After the commercial, Teddy long announces a No DQ tag match with Batista/Taker vs. Finlay/Kennedy.
Nothing builds tension between two superstars more than constantly making them team up. No sir.
BOOGEYMAN & KANE vs. DAVE TAYLOR & WILLIAM REGAL
I actually love Dave Taylor's ring name,
cos it sounds like he should be a postman. Anyway, Kane and Regal start us off with back and forth action heading into the
corner. Regal gets an elbow to the big man and tags in Taylor. Kane takes control, throwing Taylor into the corner and splashing
him. Taylor manages to tag in Regal who then takes the advantage with fists and knees to the face. Kane fights back with right
hands and shoulder thrusts then hits a sidewalk slam and a flying clothesline. Kane covers but the pin is broken up and he
is double teamed. Kane attempts a big boot but Taylor avoids it only to get hit with a clothesline courtesy of Boogeyman,
Kane is beating down Regal as we return, but Regal fights dirty to send Kane to the outside. Taylor gets
tagged in after leveling Kane but Kane makes it back in before the count out. I am really liking the Kane/Boogeyman ratio
in this match. Taylor works the arm of Kane then tags in Regal who does the same. Kane begins to fight back but Taylor gets
tagged back in and once again works the arm. Kane does the classic babyface fights back routine and hits a massive suplex.
Oh yes, an honest to god suplex. By KANE. Taylor manages to fight back and he and Regal hit a double suplex. Running crossbody
attempt by Taylor missed and Boogeyman gets tagged. Woops, my finger slipped and I accidentally turned it off. Oh fine, I'll
recap the end. Boogeyman generally beats everyone down and gets the win with that move that A-Train used to do.
BOOGEYMAN & KANE
A commercial airs for THE CONDEMNED! As far as I can gather, the movie is about a guy who is played
by Steve Austin, the main plot feature is that the main character is played by Steve Austin. Sounds a lot better than the
Marine. Then again so does a passionate night with a diseased Rhino.
w/Paul London vs. DEUCE w/Domino & Cherry
Kendrick uses his speed to get the early advantage, with
a back slide getting a two count. Deuce goes for a wristlock but Kendrick does some high flying stuff to get a headlock which
is broken with a leg scissors. Kendrick goes for ANOTHER headlock but Deuce finally realises that Brian has the body of a
seven year old and overpowers him. Kendrick gets another headlock. I better just start copying that sentence and being ready
to paste it. Deuce reverses it (ctrl+v) into a headlock. Kendrick tries to fight back but Deuce gets some right hands, Kendrick
jumps off the ropes (ctrl+v) into a headlock then hits a dropkick. Kendrick tries a crossbody but he only weighs 3lbs so Deuce
slams the little fella down. Elbow drop from Deuce gets a two count, he then figures that if it doesn't work the first time
try two more times but neither of the subsequent pins work either. Strange. Deuce chokes Kendrick with his own arms, shouting
'Stop choking yourself, stop choking yourself, NERD!'. I think that's what he said. Kendrick tries to battle back with a sunset
flip attempt but Deuce stops it with a right hand then begins to work the shoulder. Kendrick fights back with some elbows
and misses Sliced Bread #2 but does manage to hit a head scissors. This time Sliced Bread connects but Cherry distracts the
ref and Domino attacks London. Kendrick knocks Domino down with a baseball slide but Deuce hits a jumping heel kit and that's
all she wrote.
Deuce and Domino are in the back being interviewed by Kristal, with Domino hitting
on her. Now this would've been a completely pointless segment if Domino hadn't said the single greatest thing in the history
"Let's make like a banana...and split!"
Someone's been watching a lot of Cartoon Network. For once it's
not just me.
SCOTTISH CHAMPION HAMLET MACBETH vs. MVP
say that the Hamlet Macbeth character is a gross stereotype and just generally wrong. But I'm English and henceforth have
a hatred for the Scottish like nothing known before. So fuck yeah! MVP takes the early advantage with a clothesline and a
scoop slam. Neckbreaker and an elbow drop next from MVP, knocking MacBeth's wig off. MacBeth goes a bit mad and pounds away
on MVP, but he just ends up getting massacred with a clothesline. Big boot from MVP then a Play Maker ends the match.
MVP is about to introduce his next competitor but then ZOMG CHRIS BENOIT interrupts. Benoit is here. Good things
shall happen. Benoit says MVP needs to take on a real champion. CHRIS SABIN! Nah, he was referring to himself. Would've been
UNITED STATES CHAMPION CHRIS BENOIT vs. MVP
course, only the US Champion is a REAL champion. Cos after all, it basically means world champion, am I right guys? Wankers.
They brawl in the corner and Benoit with the cops. Benoit takes control and dominates until MVP fights back with some kicks
to the face, MVP gets some right hands but Benoit battles back. MVP gets a big boot as we go to commercial.
return MVP is in control of the match with a headlock. Benoit attempts to battle back but gets a suplex for his trouble then
a snap suplex. Benoit tries to fight back again but he gets laid into with some boots for a two count. MVP goes for a third
big boot but Benoit nails a massive German then a Crossface. MVP manages to get to the ropes but Benoit hits him with a Superplex
from the top turnbuckle. Benoit keeps trying to pin but getting two counts so decides on locking in a Sharpshooter but MVP
once again reaches the ropes. MVP attempts a belly to belly but Benoit once again takes control and applies the Crossface.
MVP gets to the rope and Benoit hits the Five Buddies (it's like the Three Amigos only Canadian. Well, I laughed.) Benoit
goes up top for the headbutt but MVP runs away.
WINNER: CHRIS BENOIT via count out
Teddy Long is getting with Kristal
backstage. I did not need to see that. Not even a little bit. Apparently they love each other. I did not need to know that.
Not even a little bit. Long wants to give some of his Smackdown responsibilities to someone else so he can spend more time
with her. Well as long as the two of you aren't on camera, I'm all for it playah!
Eeew Mark Henry video package!
JILLIAN vs. MICHELLE McCOOL
Never have I
seen a match with so much technical promise. Uhm, Jillian wants to hook with Prince William. Someone should tell her that
he's not really into..uhm..whores. She then sings a song then the match starts. Back and forth action, with McCool taking
control after Jillian misses a handspring splash. Suplex from McCool then a side Russian leg sweep. Jillian suddenly gets
a facebuster and that's all, folks (today I'm trying to think of a different way to say the match has finished each time).
Jillian goes to sing another song. Christ I hope someone slams her into the ring steps. McCool slams her into
the ring steps. Wow..that's weird.
APPARENTLY WE'RE FEUDING (UNDERTAKER & BATISTA)
vs. KENNEDY & FINLAY
Kennedy points out during his entrance that he comes from somewhere with REAL
football. Yeah, good point, even though our game was around before your country you definitely invented it. We have American
Football over her actually, only we call it Rugby and the players don't wear stupid helmets. We're not pussies, you see. Taker
and Batista attack before the bell and they pair off, with Batista and Finlay starting us off. Batista takes control until
Finlay manages a kick to the leg and both tag in their respective partners. Kennedy takes advantage (why doesn't he just teleport
to the other side of the ring?) Taker gets a clothesline and tags Batista, Kennedy rakes Dave's eyes and tags in Finlay. Batista
takes control despite Kennedy's interference and we go to commercial.
As we come back the babyfaces are in control
with Batista beating down Kennedy then tagging in Taker. Taker goes for Old School (what was that move called when it was
new?) but Finlay distracts him allowing Kennedy to take him down. Clothesline to Kennedy and this time Old School connects,
then Finlay runs in and hits an Old School to Taker. The heels take control now until everyone spills outside. We lose sound
as Taker throws Finlay over the announce table. Kennedy and Taker get in the ring as Taker and Batista really start to dominate.
Undertaker continues to beat down Kennedy until he tags in Batista and Kennedy gets a dropkick to the leg. Finlay then comes
in and works on the leg with his shillelagh. Taker takes out Kennedy who then tags in Finlay, who can now legally work on
Batista's leg. Taker runs back in to clean house on the opponents but the inevitable double chokeslam attempt is countered.
Double clothesline by the Deadman connects then he chokeslams them both individually. Batista hits a spinebuster on Finlay
and that's the end of that chapter.
WINNERS: BATISTA & UNDERTAKER
After the match, Undertaker remembers he's
in a title feud and is annoyed that Batista stole the win. Batista says he is taking the world title back cos ain't no body
keeping Dave down for ten seconds. Seriously just ask his wife. Anyway Taker promises to steal his soul but Dave says that
that's starting to lose all meaning. Well he didn't but he should've. End.
HIGHLIGHT: Main event wasn't half bad
Kane/Boogeyman. Pointless, pointless, pointless.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my filling in for Mr. Anvil and I can assure
you it won't happen again. Seriously I am NEVER sitting through two more hours of that.
Send feedback to British Bullfrog
There's very little to say about
British Bullfrog that many a youth offender officer hasn't already; and if there is, it's probably already been said by one
of the three regular readers of his TNA recaps. Sometimes he wonders whether it's really worth giving up hours a week of his
life to recap the awfulness that is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but his loyal boss Sean Carless is always on hand with
a Prozac to take away the pain.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).