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SmackDown Rant Archive (April 2006)

March 31, 2006
April 07, 2006
April 14, 2006
April 21, 2006
April 28, 2006

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (03/31/06)
 Hello there, TWFans and welcome to Joe Merrick’s SmackDown Recap! This recap will do more than just tell you what happened. It will do more than just describe how shitty the show was (some refer to it as shredding, dontcha know), this will…challenge you. Mentally. Yeah.


With that said, let me introduce to you the new Smackdown Recap:




Yes sir, the Lowdown of Smackdown, otherwise known as the LSD. So called because once you’re finished, you may feel drowsy, confused, yet delightfully elated. That’s right, don’t go thinking I’m just gonna emulate other recaps here, buddies. This is not ‘Joe w/Sean’s gimmick w/o originality’ here, people. If you don’t think this is the best recap you’ve ever read, I’ll be mad. And you won’t like me when I’m mad. Hell, you probably don’t like me now. So I got nothing to lose! On with the show!


Show starts off with Rey calling out Orton for making him lose a match, but gets Angle instead. Rey seems somewhat confused and disappointed. Dude, you expect Orton but get Angle that’s like expecting a handjob then getting 5 chicks rigorously sucking you off simultaneously. Although, you know, KIND of an exaggerated example there. Anyways, Angle says no one can beat him, and calls out Orton to settle scores with him as well. Orton does come out and from the aisle challenges both Rey and Angle to a handicap match, calling Angle a ‘paper champion’. No, Randy, you can’t wipe your ass with him when you’re done with Torrie’s bag. After Rey and Angle start fighting Orton suggests they duke it out for the title. Long emerges and agrees, but then tells Orton he must leave the building. This’ll probably lead up to a *SURPRISE*  RKO run-in later in the show. You know, seriously, that is getting old. I’m half expecting Orton to spill into other media:


*Cut to*


‘I’m out of order? YOU’RE out of order! This whole courtroom’s out of or-‘


‘HEY! Nothing you can SAY…’


*Cut back*


Yeah. Anyway it cuts to Orton in the back being slightly peeved at having to leave, so he shits in a gymbag out of pure rage! Then drives off. Make two Orton shit jokes in one column Joe? You betcha!


Next up is Chris Benoit vs. Road Warrior Animal, the latter actually cutting a promo and saying he ‘carried the Road Warriors for years’. What is it with WWE raping corpses? And yeah, good job carrying the Road Warriors, Animal, even though now you struggle to carry your own body weight.


Chris Benoit vs. Road Warrior Animal


Well, nice that I get such a five star classic to be the very first match I recap. This job truly has its benefits. I’ve already got good dental care. Which I’m sure all of you ignorant people out there will remark to via  ‘Yeah well you  Brits sure do need it lolz!’ Stereotype++! Anywho, They exchange punches, and Benoit backs the Animal into a corner. There could be a joke there but I’m too smart to use it. Yeah, that’ll do. The ref separates them and whilst his back is turned Animal gets the brass knux out of his pocket, swings, but gets caught in a Crossface. Inevitable tap out ensues.


What did I gain from this match? –  If you lose a partner, brass knux make a healthy replacement.


Backstage, Benoit bumps into ol’ JBL. JBL then compliments Benoit on what a great technical wrestler he is, and follows up by saying he himself once beat a fine technical wrestler as well. Eddie Guerrero. Oh Jesus. It seems a heel can’t get over now without taking a piss on Eddie. What next?


*Cut to*


Simon Dean: If Eddie had followed the Simon System, he wouldn’t have been so out of shape and died like that


Snitsky: I aimed the coathanger at Stephanie! IT WASN’Y MY FAULT!


*Cut back*


That’s probably getting me to Hell. Benoit tells JBL it’s a good thing his hand is better, because those asses don’t soap themselves! What? No, he did really! Who’s writing this recap anyway? Asshole.


Here’s the next match, and it’s:


JBL vs. Daniel Cross


Complete squash. JBL wins with two clotheslines from Hell. This recap business sure is exciting.


What did I gain from this match? -  Eddie-hate will bring you superhuman strength. Apparently.


Video montages rock. I got one for my birthday of me. It was just random shots of different emo’s being impaled. Well, really, are emo’s ‘different’ to each other? Either way, t’was spiffing.


Next match:


Paul Birchill vs. Booker T


Match is interrupted by the Boogeyman’s music, which causes Booker T to hide under the ring. However, Boogeyman appears and takes Sharmell away. Sharmell? Away? In the same sentence? The only way those two words could go together better is if the sentence was ‘Godzilla used his atomic breath to BLOW SHARMELL AWAY’. Yes indeed. Anyway, Booker chases them up the aisle and ends up getting counted out. Seriously, throw me a fucking bone here, WWE.


 What did I gain from this match? – Pure ecstasy at the thought of Sharmell being gone.


Booker looks for Sharmell around backstage. Dude, you’re free. Let her go. Don’t do a ‘Matt Hardy’. “I ain’t DYIN’, SUCKA!’


Speaking of Matt Hardy, he’s in the next 6-man tag match:


Bobby Lashley, Matt Hardy and Tatanka vs. MNM and Finlay


I personally like this Lashley dude. If only he looked meaner and acted like a badass and not an 8 year old on Steroids (That’s Rey’s gimmick). Anyway, not a bad match here. Some nice spots including a double suplex and a niiiice back body drop on Finlay from Lashley. Hardy pins Nitro after a Twist of Fate. Finally, something worth recapping.


What did I gain from this match? – Job satisfaction!


Mark Henry is out now to a standing ovation as usual. He cuts a promo of sorts on how this year he will be the one to end Taker’s streak, as if he’s comparing himself to the likes of Flair, HHH and Kane. Yeah, not gonna fly, man. Anyway I’m sure some of you will have heard that there was a technical problem here that involved a screwed up mic, a dumb expression on Henrys face, and an arena full of laughing people. One could argue that it wasn’t Henry’s fault (Snitsky maybe) but it’s Mark Henry, let’s just give hi ma hard time and blame him anyway. He probably killed JFK. And spread bird flu. And started that rumour about me sleeping with a Care Bear. That bastard.


Mexicools vs. Jamie Noble and Kid Kash


A nice tag match and they seem to be pushing the division somewhat, so that gets a thumbs up from me, as does the awesome corkscrew plancha from Psicosis, and the exploder suplex from the top rope from Super Crazy, leading to a pin on Kash. Hmm, I need a joke to balance things out here. Um…Jamie Noble still has an infected ass! Meh, it’ll do.


Backstage, Booker finally finds Sharmell as I die inside. Oh, and she’s covered in worms. Personally I’d just take the worms, they have more uses. Bait for fishing, making tiny lassoes…


Anyway, onto the main event, which should promise some highlights I’m sure.


Rey Mysterio challenges Kurt Angle for the World Heavyweight title


Lots of mat wrestling to begin with, including side headlocks, a wristlock chain and some armdrags thrown in. Angle’s in control but the crowd is of course behind Rey all the way as they chant a dead man’s name. Heart-warming. Angle avoids the light tap on the head of DOOM otherwise known as the 619. Angle gets thrown out of the ring, but then reverses a baseball slide. Back in the ring there’s more mat work. Rey makes a comeback after being hit with a Northern Lights suplex, and hits a springboard crossbody and a sunset roll into a dropkick, but Angle stops him in his tiny tracks with a release German. Sets up the Angle Slam but gets kicked into the ropes to set up the 619 in a move that doesn’t look staged AT ALL but Angle then reverses the move into an Ankle lock! Rey taps, after not a lot of resistance. Angle’s still the champ. Pretty stupid booking really, as Rey now looks really weak for WM.


What did I gain from this match? – Kurt Angle could probably defeat an army of robots simply by reversing the lasers into ankle locks.


Angle is walking up the aisle and out of NOWHERE OMG there’s that surprise RKO I predicted. on Rey. The thing is, Orton comes out from under the ring. When someone told him he should be a heel like Hennig I don’t think they meant take a dump under the ring instead of a bag, Randy. Strike Three, I’m out. I have to ask though if Booker saw Randy whilst HE was under the ring:


*Cut to*


Booker: Say, have you seen a guy round here with red face paint, tiny lassoes in his mouth? Kinda hard to miss?


*Cut back*


Orton then gets on the mic, and tells Angle he’s gonna beat his ass on Sunday. Angle responds by running in, Angle Slam and Ankle lock, which Orton taps wildly to. End Show.


What pleased me: The good matches (The tags and the main event) were definitely worth watching and foreshadowed the boring beginning. And Lashley and Birchill continue to impress me.


What pissed me off: Yet more Eddie references to make a heel hated. It’s not really working when we saw JBL break down and tell us how Eddie helped him during a divorce. Also, the terrible booking of the main event depicting their Royal Rumble winner as a completely weak waste of space. If he wins at WM, it’ll just make it seem ridiculous.


Well, hope you enjoyed my recap, bucko’s, I’ll be back soon with more LSD goodness. (just don’t tell your parents).



 Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL. So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.

Joe Merrick's James Walker's Lowdown on SmackDown! (04/07/06)


 Hey there, kiddos. So, after a glorious debut recap last week, our young and venerable Joe Merrick has decided a family vacation is more important than telling YOU, our INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE readers about how Boogeyman scared a mid carder out of the ring. I’d begging to question where his priorities are at, but then again, I’m a guy who would rather ‘save the planet’ by only showering once a month, so, uhh, let’s skip that part.


Oh, yeah, incase you haven’t figured it out, I’m James Walker. I’ll be your super-sexy host for tonight’s activities. The veal is on special.


NitroMercury VS PaulKendrickium, non-title match


NitroMercury – sounds like some explosive used in Terminator 2, doesn’t it? Anywho, all over the net, people have been bitching that these two (even four) guys weren’t on the Wrestlemania Card… but come on. London & Kendrick already blew their Conan/Gangster like entrances a few months back, with those ridiculous leather face masks.

As for MNM, well, that’s what they get for outshining the entire division? You know, MNM and my testicles have a lot in common. One is too good to be on the Wrestlemania card, and another is too good to be on the chin of any attractive female. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. Uh huh.


If you watch Velocity on WWE.com regularly (and if you do, uh, you should know that nothing of importance will never ever ever happen there) you’d know that the announcers hype London & Kendrick as being the “masters of CALCULATED CHAOS”. In terms of wrestling oxymorons, that’s right up there with an annual Judgement Day PPV, murder attempts on the Undertaker, and Gene Snitsky. (And yes, I stole that last one from someone at our forums.)


Gah, enough small talk, we have a good match to call. It’s worth mentioning that London & Kendrick picked up Melina during her entrance. I only wish they’d carried her backstage for an indy gang bang session – planchas have never been so intrusive. We had a great old-school tag match here, with the heels pulling out every trick in the book to gain the advantage, and the faces garnering some decent fan support because of it. Eventually, London got the hot tag, dished out some dropsaults, and got saved from a Snapshot by his partner. Spanky knocked Mercury out of the ring and landed a plancha (of all things!) while London got the 3 count off of an inside cradle. Fun match.


Winners: The ROHd Warriors


Backstage, Booker & Sharmell inform Teddy Long that they’ve gotten a restraining order against Boogeyman, and that if he comes within 100 feet of Booker or Sharmell, he will sue Smackdown and Teddy, as Teddy looks on with 2/3rds of his blood boiling. Aside from the fact that Booker has no judicial reason as to why he needs a restraining order against Boogey, no one this side of kayfabe knows Boogey’s real name, the wrestling restraining order radius seems to be growing every time, and that it would make far more sense for Boogey to get sued rather than Teddy & Smackdown, this segment was very logical.


Next, we get a video recap of Rey dedicating his Rumble win to Eddie. You know, I think Rey is only showing his love for Eddie because he left an inheritance to his REAL son, Dominic, and Rey is going through that cash faster than you can say “Daddy needs a new Aztec headdress”.


 Booker T (w/Sharmell) VS Gunner Scott (w/o his real name)


Gunner Scott is actually Brent Albright, of OVW fame. I don’t blame the WWE for changing his name at all – it’s not like he’s widely regarded as one of OVW’s brightest talents, and as the ‘next Chris Benoit’… err, never mind.  This change is right up there in ridiculous levels with PJ Polaco, The Big Show, and Jacqueline’s Cruiserweight title win. Ah well, can’t win em all.. unless you’re Torrie Wilson in a non-wrestling match.


ANYWAYS, this was a FANTASTIC debut for, “Gunner”. Not two minutes into the action, Boogeyman’s music hit, distracting Booker, allowing for the LETHAL rookie roll up of humiliating defeat, stealing a victory away from Booker. Funny, normally it’s Booker who does the stealing.


Winner: Brent… alright… fine,  Gunner Scott.


After the match, Teddy Long comes out and apologizes for the “music miscue”, and re-announces Gunner Scott as the winner. You know, wrestlers might be the only people in the world who stop whatever they’re doing as soon as some music is heard. They’d be mighty dangerous while driving a car, I tell you.


Back stage, Chris Benoit gives GUNNER SCOTT (Sick of that name yet?) some “mad props, eh?” While he didn’t actually say that, he should have. He should also “hose” down his foes with a Maple syrup truck, driven by a mountie, a la Steve Austin/Kurt Angle. Either that, or saying his “ass is hungry”, and sitting on a Tim Horton’s Maple Cream donut.


We get another video package, this time of Orton’s No Way Out win, and then Rey getting put back in the main event in one of wrestling’s great “Uhh, thanks for letting me waste my $40” moments. Sorta like getting a brain tumor removed, but then putting it back in the next day. Except, in this case, the tumor allows for fewer rest holds.


Chris Benoit VS Simon Dean


I’ve just realized the problem with Dean’s gimmick – he can only get fat people angry. Guys like Benoit don’t really care about his words, but sloths like Viscera do, and thus, shitty matches occur. Now, what we really need is for Simon to bring back D’Lo Brown,and say he was responsible for his weight loss back in 1998. What’s that you say, it’s a shitty idea? Fuck off, it’s better than throwing a pint of urine on the McMahons.


Anywho, I burst out laughing when Dean tries to run Benoit over with segway scooter. But, Benoit channels the spirit of Goldberg, and dodges that like a CAT. Next week, it’ll be found out that Lance Storm was actually the driver, and Benoit will retire him again. This zaniness leads to a couple of germans (not these people), and the crossface for the submission.


Winner: Chris Benoit


A third and final (I hope) video package of Rey beating Orton for the belt at Mania is shown. For the life of me, I’ll never figure out why the West Coast Pop can keep a man down for a 3 count. The only way I’d stay on my back for that long in that position is if there was an obscenely attractive and naked woman in Rey’s position. Though, if she had to wear a mask, I doubt she’s all that attractive. Oh, as Orton goes some generic warm up, Kurt Angle shows up. Orton mentions the lack of a giant gold belt around his waist. I don’t get why Kurt needs a belt – his wrestling gear already has makeshift suspenders! This makes Kurt all huffy, and Orton somehow finds his PMS glare frightening.


Randy Orton VS Rey Mysterio© (w/o an abdomen), World Not-So-Heavy-weight Championship Match


Rey’s the new champ! My god, this is huge! We need to put this over ina  big way! I KNOW! Let’s let a gluttonous blob like Mark Henry main event Smackdown instead of Rey’s firs title defense! That’ll do WONDERS for his credibility!


Anyways, we’re getting pretty decent action by these two. About the same quality of their No Way Out meeting, but luckily, not the same match. Rey hit a cool looking Seated Senton from the inside to the outside, but Cole & Tazz uncharacteristically fail to say how awesome it was. Back in the ring, Randy nailed his stretch back breaker for a two count. A dropkick later, Rey was on the outside and we go to commercial.


Back with Randy trying something off the 2nd rope, but Rey telegraphed it. Rather, he told Randy to do it, but let’s not split hairs here. A few near falls later, and even a neat looking springboard reverse DDT, Rey climbed to the top rope. Crossbody fails, as Orton dropkicks him. Remember what I said about them not having the same match at No Way Out? Uhh, yeah, scrap that. Anyways, a ring post 619, normal 619, and a dropping of 10 cents later, Rey retains. Good match.


Winner, and still World Heavyweight Champion: Rey Mysterio


Backstage with Palmer Cannon (where the fuck has he been?), “not endorsing the following message”. It’s a Miz hype video, where the little guy creates some small scale chaos, laws of physics be damned. As long as his debut match isn’t a ‘Dixie Dog Fight’, I think I’ll be happy.


Now, we get Kristal interviewing Rey. You know, when your T&A interviewer is taller in stature than your champion, you might want to consider hiring some midgets. Oh, and then releasing them a month later, just because it’s fun to see midgets cry.




Now, we’ve got William Regal chastisin' Paul Burchill fer his swashbuckler exploits. Burchill retorts by sayin' he’s only honorin' his heritage, an' he’s also been undefeated since th' change. Burchill then proposes that if he loses tonight, he’ll dress appropriately. But, if he wins, he gets t' dress Regal up as a lass. This leads t'…

Paul Burchill VS William Regal

Extremely short match, that sees Burchill win wi' th' Aftfbung hole exploder, better known as th' Sea-4 (Tm. Sean)


Winnarrrrrrrrrrrr: Paul Burchill


Next up, we get Teddy Long (This guy has made more appearances on this show than Marty Jannety at the Unemployment Line) informing a handful of upper-midcarders (and Matt Hardy) that he’s bringing back the King of the Ring. Alright, I’ll admit it, I kinda marked out. Anyways, next week, we’ll get the first match: Angle VS Orton. Judging by the fact that Orton’s suspension begins the day after that taping, I’m guessing Angle will take that match. Just a hunch.


Undertaker VS Mark Henry (w/o Daivari?)


Oh man, what  can I say? WHAT A FUCKING MATCH. Seriously, these guys were busting out some generic stomps not seen since the days of Ronnie Garvin! I mean, it’s obvious why this was the main event – you should have seen the soupbones getting thrown around here! I thought some beef broth or cream of mushroom was COMIN’ RIGHT AT ME.


However, this sure fire classic ended when Daivari (ah, that explains it) came out with his next generic load: DALIP SINGH. The dude came out, and unleashed some pathetic offence, which taker actually sold for. Alright, enough sarcasm, I have to give you the scoop on this guy.


  • He’s 7’3”, 400 pounds, and completely immobile.
  • He actually KILLED A MAN during his training in California, due to his extremely shitty ring work.
  • Apparently, his ring work makes Nathan Jones look like Bret Hart VS Ricky Steamboat, sprinkled with Chris Benoit-pixie dust.
  • He moved directly from Deep South Wrestling (WWE’s farm-farm territory) to a high profile feud with the Undertaker.


Now, this can only be reasoned by one way: The WWE truly wants Undertaker to become the “Deadman”.


Winner: Sure as hell isn’t the Undertaker, that’s for sure.


And, that’s our show. What the fuck kind of ending is that?


Show highlight: I’m gonna give the nod to the re-introduction of the KOTR Tournement. I always loved it, and while it probably won’t have it’s own PPV, it’s stilla  enat throwback that some fans will like. Honorable mention goes to the MNM VS Kendrick/London match & subsequent feud, because I’m sure the matches will get great, and the Rey/Orton match, which was a pretty solid outing.


Show lowlight: DALIP. FUCKING. SINGH.


Overall, thumbs smack dab in the middle. Two good matches, but some ridiculous shit that I can’t ignore. If the Rey/Orton match had gone on last, this show would have gotten a better rating.


Alright kids, I’m out. Joe *will* be back next week. If he’s not, I’ll fly over to England myself and punch him right in his rotten teeth for you all, ok

Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (04/14/06)



Hello there, faithful recapees, I’m back once more with an even bigger, more potent batch of my columnised intoxicating chemical known as the LowDown on Smackdown!


I must first apologise for my absence last week; I imagine it looked very bizarre that I made a striking new debut (Unlike Dalip Singh) only to disappear the following week. I suppose you could say I got Mordecai’d. Anyway I’m back now, so let’s get on with the show!


Opens up with a shot of the King of the Ring crown and the cape. Why didn’t they get this gimmick on RAW? I mean HHH would obviously win by default, and it’d keep in with his new King of Kings persona. Makes sense to me


Anyway, Booker T comes out and claims he will defeat everyone and win the tourney. I don’t see it doing him any favours though. ‘I’m a ONE TIME King of the Ring, Sucka!’ doesn’t quite sound as impressive does it. This leads up to Booker trying on the royal gear and proving his prestige by dancing like an idiot, which prompts Bobby Lashley to come out and spear the hell out of him and it suddenly occurs to me how funny, if concerning, that WWE has gotten a black dude to start using that particular move. Is the nickname ‘Spear Chucker’ inevitable? And a tag team with Umaga? Let’s hope not.


First match is about to commence, and it is indeed a clash of titans:


Brian Kendrick w/ Paul London vs. Johnny Nitro w/ MM (not Melchor)


Feh. Alright match. Nitro seemed to be no-selling at first, which was a bit strange seeing as his name isn’t Calloway. The only notable highlight was Paul London doing a nice dive onto Mercury. And for someone to jump that high so they actually land on another planet is pretty damn amazing! Hopefully the irritating little bastard will stay there. Either way, Kendrick wins with a rollup.


What did I gain from this match? – A boner from looking at Melina.


Backstage segment shows Burchill finding Regal in his wench gear and laughing at him. It seems we British are easily amused. Don’t believe it, I’ll have you know most of us British are…ooh look, a squirrel! Nehehehehe! Ooh look, the next match! Teehee!



Paul Burchill w/ William Regal vs. Rasheed Brown


Some funny stuff here, such as Regal trying to do the Burchill rope swing and falling flat on his face. Truly subtle British humour there. I love it. Anyway Burchill wins with a Sea-4 after Regal hits the Power of the Punch on Brown by accident. Apparently Regal has to stay a wench until Burchill loses a match. So WWE’s answer to getting a new babyface over is to force us to look at a transvestite unless he loses? Logic ++!


What did I gain from this match? – Behind every Pirate is a man in drag. I’ll never watch Hook the same again.


Funny line from Tazz here. He claims Regal would ‘die’ if he went back to Blackpool as a wench. I can tell you right now that having been to Blackpool many times, you simply can’t MOVE for all the Anti-Crossdressing Lynch mobs!


Backstage segment with Angle and Krystal ‘I’m a smart sophisticated interviewer who shows her bare ass on her entrance video’. Hey, I ain’t complaining. Angle congratulates Rey but is still obviously pissed about the decision. He’s gonna take out all his rage on Orton tonight and beat him so bad he’ll break his ankle. Hey, he must have read WWE.com!


Commercial. Oh by the way, are ads in the US and Canada as irritating as they are here in UK? Do you get the ones that seem to claim only women get diarrhoea? Or claim that a normal conversation between a couple is ‘We are in debt and owe CCJ’s. Woe is us.’ ‘Let’s give Direct Line a call! We’ll save time and money!!’ or that carpet or furniture stores are WACKY?


If not, my country’s fucked.


Anyway, back to the show, and it’s Matt Hardy, the man that will NEVER DIE (due to lacking a life in the first place).


Matt Hardy vs. The Road Warrior


Road Warrior seems to have stolen my gimmick because he is no longer AN ANIMAL. He appears to be a jobber though, after losing to the Twist of Fate RIGHT after the bell rings.


What did I gain from this ‘match’? - THE POWER OF EMO COMPELS YOU.

Tazz then puts over Rey for ‘changing the industry’ by being the new WHC. Hitler also changed the world, dude. Doesn’t make it good. Granted, the Holocaust was somewhat more intimidating than a West Coast Pop, but the principle is the same.


Another segment airs with Palmer Cannon coming back and claiming The Miz is not endorsed by the network. Seriously, I don’t care. I don’t give a shit about the ‘Miz’.  And if you do, fuck you. It’s my recap :)


Next match should be good:


JBL w/ Jillian Hall vs. Chris Benoit – Steel Cage Match


Typical Cage match going on with both men feeding each other to the carnivore [/Cole]. JBL immediately tries to escape after a nice shoulderblock. Benoit catches him and hits him with a chop then a back suplex off the top. Bradshaw begs for mercy after a SWEET chop from Benoit. Damn. JBL escapes the sharpshooter than begins a brawl. Couple more escape attempts by JBL, which leads to a Three Amigos by Benoit. Few more highspots including a headbutt from the top from benoit and JBL hitting a Russian Leg Sweep from the top (!)


Crossface attempt, some more escape attempts and an electric chair drop from JBL hits. Match is starting to drag a bit now, but is brought up a huge fecking notch after a GERMAN FROM THE TOP. Ouch. This leads to Jillian distracting the ref and accidentally hitting JBL with the steel door, which in turn leads to JBL tapping out to the Crossface….but the ref is distracted by Hall again. JBL hits the low blow (Not TWF) on Benoit and finally escapes. Great, if long match.


What did I gain from this match? -  If you think about it, in the kayfabe world, a heel relies on testicles. No, not testicular fortitude, I mean if it weren’t for testes, their elusive low blow would have no effect…so in a way, they rely on a good guy’s balls. I think too much, don’t I?


Angle/Orton is pimped as well as WWE’s newest shitload, Dalip Singh.


Speaking of which, he’s out with Daivari to USA chants. Apparently Dalip’s new ring name is ‘The Great Khali’ although I fail to see what is so great. What? He’s over 7 foot? Fuck-a-doodle-doo. Daivari spouts some stupid shit about tigers and pythons (not 24 inch, though, bruther). Dalip then gets on the mic and yells something that sounds kind of like this.


Intimidating indeed. You know, I have to agree with a point my colleague James Walker highlighted last week, with regards to how ridiculous it is that this guy has been thrust straight into a high profile feud with Taker simply because he is big. Unlike the other big men, he simply hasn’t paid his dues….I mean, how many eggs has HE pushed through rings, hmm? He doesn’t even have skillet hands yet! FOR SHAME.


Anyway they follow this up with a tag match:


The Mexicools vs. The Gymini /w Simon Dean

Gymini pull the old twin switcheroo that goes back to such legends as…um..what were they called now..those big dudes in brown shirts and blue trunks? Huh. Well, anyway, they were legendary. Ya. Anyway They bury Mexicools with a lame suplex ‘finisher’ and that’s that.


What did I gain from this match? – JACOB AND ELI BLU! THAT was the team!


Is it just me who wants this team to get an English sport gimmick and become the ‘Gymini Crickets’? Yes? Oh.


Right, KOTR match up next and it’s:


Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton in a ‘Yooou’re gonna get suspeeendeeeed nyah nyah nyah nyah nyaaah nyaaaah!’ match


You know how Cena has a submission move called the STFU? Shouldn’t Randy then adopt the same method and call his chinlock ‘Orton’s Mild Grapple’, hence the OMG? Then when they have a match, it’ll be a match of l337 proportions!!11!


Anyway match starts well, a belly to belly there, a clothesline here…Angle goes all Ken Shamrock according to Cole because he’s ‘in the zone’, and slaps on the Ankle lock, but Orton escapes. Some chain wrestling next as the crowd looks a little bored by it all, but then another ankle lock is hit BY RANDY ORTON….hah not really. Seeing if you’re still paying attention. Kurt of course locks it, but is dumped outside by Orton, who then tries to force the ref to count faster. Kurt gets on the apron though and gets suplexed somewhat awkwardly. He, in return however, throws Orton out and demands a count out. Orton gets back in though, selling the ankle, and gets hit with the triple Germans, but then escapes the Angle slam and hits a backbreaker for two. Kurt then reverses the RKO into a fucking Ankle Lock. Seriously, what can this guy NOT reverse?! Orton taps.


After the match, Kurt does the strangest babyface tactic I’ve ever seen and locks Orton back into the Ankle Lock?! Bah Gawd, Orton may be taken out! SURPRISE OF SURPRISES. Cole actually defends Angle and says he’s just taking out his frustrations. Ok so if Orton was doing that to Kurt it’d be unacceptable? Hey, it might get him suspended….!


End show.


What pleased me? – Great cage match, and good to see Burchill get over, even if it IS through the medium of a man in drag. Also, a good main event, even if the aftermath was confusing, which leads me to…


What pissed me off? - Angle inexplicably attacking Orton despite being the supposed face in the battle. Very strange. Oh, and Dalip Singh sounding like a retarded fuck.


There we have it, buddies. Not a bad show, and certainly worth coming back for. Tune in next week when I return with more LSD (it’s fun for all the family, kids!)


Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (04/21/06)


 Greetings, recap followers, welcome to another edition of the Lowdown of Smackdown, or as dyslexics like to call it, the Smacklow of Downdown. Or of course, as retards like to call it, Poop. Yes sir, I am fluent in all languages. Even emo. Oh yes, all you have to do is replace every word that suggests positivity with either ‘pain’, ‘suffering’ or ‘Jimmy Eat World’. You may be wondering why I am well-scripted in such a language, but I’ve found it’s the best way to infiltrate their bases (i.e. Their slumber parties) and eradicate the emo threat. God bless me.

Anywho, on with the show which has absolutely nothing to do with what I just said. Oh actually, Matt Hardy’s out, so my emo rant is justified. Continuity be praised.
Matt Hardy vs. Booker T – First round KOTR match
Hmm, Sharmell already wears a crown…and this is the KING of the ring tournament...Matt’s got a great chance! He does fight on, however, after taking a back suplex, snapmare, a superkick, and missing a moonsault, oh and getting tossed out of the ring due to help from a woman…I’m not selling this guy well am I. Anyway, Matt does come back with a superplex and a reverse DDT, eventually reversing the scissors kick into a Twist of Fate for a VERY nearfall. Sharmell then distracts Hardy, and Booker gets the low blow for the pin. Booker steals a victory (possibly Matt’s wallet). A very good match overall.
What did I gain from this match? – According to Cole, Booker ‘rarely goes to the top rope’. You mean besides his signature missile dropkick and Houston Hangover of course, don’t you, Cole?
Segment now and it’s JBL showing how he is a ‘Great American’ and then shows footage of him beating Eddie for the title. Taking career and fame opportunities away from a foreigner? Yep, sounds American to me.
Another segment features Burchill telling Regal off for ‘trying to screw him’ last week. Well he IS your wench, dude. I thought that was in the job description. Unless it was getting screwed, in which case you can probably check that up with Bret Hart. Anyway, Burchill proposes a tag match and then offers Regal a Teddy Bear outfit. I like Burchill and all but I really can’t condone these public displays of his odd fetishes…kinda like Vince’s kiss my ass club, really.
Next up MNM is out and Mercury is in action
Joey Mercury w/ NM vs. Paul London w/ Brian Kendrick
Your typical cruiserweight action here, with London showing off hurricanranas and Mercury showing off his…Irish whips. Still, beats Khali anyway. London goes to the top but is distracted by NM and gets pushed off by Mercury and out of the ring, and just about gets back in before getting counted out. Fast paced action indeed. Reminds me of that video I once rented called ‘When Turtles Attack 3’. Anyway after some more shuffling and grappling business picks up as Mercury hits Northen Lights suplex for a nearfall…Melina then headscissors’ London in what is perhaps the only move in history that gives more pain than pleasure to the recipient, surely. Anyway more double teaming as Nitro comes in and helps hit a double legdrop on London, who kicks out four times. After a while Mercury tries for a Snapshot but gets rolled up for the pin! London wins it.
What did I gain from this match? – All the double-teaming in the world can’t save you from the deadly rollup of deadly death.
They then show the highlights of Orton getting suspended via a broken ankle thanks to Kurt Angle. I can’t believe Orton was suspended for ‘unprofessional conduct’ then they give Great Khali a feckin’ job there.
Anyway, Benoit manages to piss off some Canadians by being announced as ‘from’ Atlanta, Georgia as opposed to residing. He’s then followed by three more guys as we get our next match:
Chris Benoit & Bobby Lashley aka Black Lesnar vs. Fit Finlay and Orlando Jordan aka Who?
Nice match here considering OJ is in it. Benoit goes for the Crossface early on the poor guy but Finlay manages to break it. The heels keep exchanging tags whilst working on Benoit’s left arm. Great, just what Benoit needs. More deformities added to his already freakishly small arms. Seriously, good job he isn’t a hoss. Wouldn’t be able to chokeslam a guy even 5 feet. Anyway, Lashley gets the hot tag and ‘chucks the spear’ at OJ, then finishing him off with a Whiplash (I don’t care what anyone calls it, I’m calling it this. It’s just so damn freaking obvious). Lashley and Benoit are your winners.
What did I gain from this match? – Herpes. Don’t ask how.
Another vignette now and JBL is patrolling the borders keeping Mexicans out(!?). Can it be much longer before he changes his name to ‘Bradshaw Bradshaw’ and reveals his hatred for ‘stinky liberals’? He DOES use the clothesline as a finisher, thinking about it…
Teddy Long tells us a huge announcement next, that Kurt Angle will get a rematch for the title against Rey Mysterio ‘by popular demand’. Oh, NOW they listen to the fans? Where was that compassion when we had to endure HHH’s reign of terror or John Cena’s blind push? Thanks a lot, assholes.
Another segment and Regal is now trying on a chicken outfit, which Burchill rejects. How exactly are they thinking of getting a face over when he’s clearly a sadistic fuck? Come to think of it…it DID work for James Walker…
Daivari’s out now with his newest addition to his trio of Jihads. You ever stop to think it’s ironic that the three guys you’ve managed are not as good in the ring as you are, Daivari?
The Great Khali vs. Funaki
I personally think they’re just getting tired of posting ‘(Insert wrestler) has been released’ on wwe.com so they’re just opting to kill off the wrestlers one by one. Why else would they give Mark Henry and Khali pushes and hire Siaki? It appears casket matches will no longer be Undertaker’s exclusive gimmick. Anyway, great technical match here, as Khali actually manages to chop Funaki without giving him a stroke or something, and then finishes him off with a Derailer.
What did I gain from this match? – RAWR BIG MAN SQUISH PUNY JOBBER
Regal’s career dies evermore slowly as he is now carted out in a monkey suit backstage. Burchill doesn’t like it but says there’s one last costume. If it’s bondage then fuck your recap I’m going to bed.
Gymini is out with Simon Dean as we await Burchill and his chosen suit for Regal…and it’s pirate gear! What are the odds indeed.
Gymini w/ Simon Dean vs. Paul Burchill & WilliYAAAARm Regal in a ‘Who has the weirdest gimmick’ match
Pretty short match but wasn’t bad. Regal is reluctant to get in the ring but Goldberg wannabe 1 drags him in and lays the beatdown. Some double teaming ensues followed by a suplex by GW2 for a 2. Regal goes for the tag but Burchill sods off and leaves him to be pinned after some more double teaming. Gymini win.
What did I gain from this match? – This is the first tag team where the term ‘mutiny’ can be aptly used.
The Miz is outside the arena trying to get in but Palmer Cannon won’t let him. Awesome way to get him over, that. Not letting him be part of the show.
The ring is then set up to suit JBL’s big American celebration, featuring a marching band, a huge inflatable eagle, and Jillian Hall dancing. Nice. JBL comes out in a hummer limo and greets Jillian in the ring with a ‘This is it?’ before telling us ‘never to trust a woman to think’. HA. Owned, bitch. JBL then cuts a promo on how he is a true American hero as he has brought prestige to the title. He then punks out Mysterio, claiming only ‘the illegal aliens’ care about him. This is hysterical. It all causes Angle to come out and tell JBL he sucks compared to him. This causes Rey to come out. JBL claims the fans don’t care about him because they chant Eddie’s name and not his. Is this a shoot? JBL then cements my undying admiration by waiting till Rey gets the mic to his mouth and then interrupting with ‘In English please’. Rey says he’s looking forward to his match with Angle but will not lose, but JBL cuts in with how he’s tired of all the Rey/Angle love, then points out Rey’s size compared to the title. He must have read Sean’s recap. It culminates when Rey hits JBL, allowing Angle to get the Angle Slam and Rey follow up with a 619. JBL is out of action as the other two stand off, and the show goes off the air.
What pleased me?: Some good matches overall, and this is what I love about SD now, in that it’s getting back to basics and actually focusing on wrestling. Also, JBL’s character has come such a long way. He’s gone from Big redneck with a chip on his shoulder to a…Big rich redneck with a chip on his shoulder about Mexicans. Sounds genius to me.
What pissed me off?: Dalip Singh. Just…argh. He makes no sense. They go from pushing him so that he can beat down Taker ‘like no one else’ (despite a whole locker room’s worth of guys doing the exact same thing) then to prove his dominance put him against a cruiserweight who hardly wrestles anymore. Way to go, big guy.
Overall? Still not bad. It’s way better than RAW that’s for sure. Join me next week, recapees as I venture once again into SD, suspicious bag of pills in hand, with more LSD righteousness. Ya. Totally.
Joe Merrick's Lowdown on SmackDown! (04/28/06)


Seeing as this week’s SD is from the UK, it would be cool if I were there, wouldn’t it? I mean, a recap written from first hand experience would give some more meaning, provide more detail, and of course, give me a ton of more material. If only I could have captured the atmosphere of the show in this recap this week, and provided you with a very special Lowdown on Smackdown….


Oh well, you’ll have to settle for a normal one. I’m not one to get your hopes up after all!


That being said, greetings, faithful readers, this week Smackdown, as I mentioned, hails from across the big ol’ pond from the Merriest Land of them all, England. Although Lapland comes pretty close. And Narnia. I can’t say it thrills me, however, that my country is currently housing such horrors as Mark Henry and Great Khali. But then again, it could be worse. It could be home to Remy’s girlfriend (The best thing? I’m not even kidding!)


Anyways, JBL is first out and SURPRISES US ALL by cutting a promo against the UK. Although, ya know, it does remind me of when I was at an SD show back in 2003, and Rhino did a genuinely surprising heel promo, which literally featured him hold the mic and stand there for FIVE MINUTES before finally yelling ‘SHUT UP ENGLAND’ (to a silent crowd) and charging at Jamie Noble. To any JBL haters out there, count yourself one lucky buddeh.


After the promo JBL issues an open challenge to the toughest Brit. Lemmy was said to be furious he couldn’t make it. Anvil’s Swagbag was also said to be hiding under the bed. Hey, don’t knock it. I was too….anyway, William Regal comes out to a nice pop, this should be good.


JBL vs. William Regal ‘My nationality is better than your nationality!’ ‘nuh uh!’ match


Oh fuck yes, great match. Smackdown seems to have the excellent tendency to start off their shows with some awesome matches. What really made this above average though was the fact that JBL has INCREDIBLE heat at the moment, and the crowd of course loves Regal. This is obvious after Regal kicks out of a nearfall. JBL manages to survive the Regal stretch, and then counters with a thumb to the eye and a Clothesline from Bloody ‘Ell to win.


What did I gain from this match? – Regal has Booker T’s syndrome. No, he didn’t marry the Bride of Satan herself; he just gets his ass beat in his hometown. Probably literally. It IS JBL)


Speaking of Booker, he’s backstage giving a promo until Gunner Scott interrupts. He tells Booker he beat him a while ago and wants a rematch. Booker says he’s too ill so he’ll find him a replacement. Whilst you’re there, Booker, help a brother out and find him a replacement name too.


Paul London & Brian Kendrick & Super Crazy vs. MNM & Gregory Helms


Mr. London actually gets some decent pops here; probably due to the fact his second name is our country’s capital. Although to be fair he did look good, and the match was solid, with Kendrick getting most of the beating throughout. There’s probably a ‘beating + Spanky = masturbation’ joke there somewhere. Match ends when London gets another one of his miraculous rollups on Helms for the three.


What did I gain from this match? – Pcicosis who?



Bobby Lashley vs. Mark Henry – The Irresistible Force vs. The Uninteresting Object


Two matches straight after each other without a 40-minute promo in between? Satan must be in his ice skates at the moment. The psychology of this match appears to be the age old ‘how can I knock this fat bastard down’ psyche. Although to be fair, at least Yokozuna, King Kong Bundy and my obese neighbour made it somewhat interesting. Lashley gets beat down until he finally manages to knock Henry off his feet. Then in the most uneventful finish EVER, Henry blindly charges the ropes, goes overboard, and gets counted out. WHAT A MONSTER HEEL. I love how Lashley, who’s also supposed to be a monster, simply opts to let him get counted out. And they say hosses can’t be technical!


What did I gain from this match? – MAK HENRY IS SARMT


Next match is Gunner vs. his replacement, which turns out to be Finlay!


Finlay vs. Gunner Scott w/ Stupid name w/ Sorry Sean I couldn’t resist


Crowd doesn’t seem to be behind Gunner for this one, but then again would you like to be caught chanting ‘Gunner Gunner!’? A nice solid match, however, with Gunner holding his own but Finlay still making the thing better than it could have been. Booker interferes and gives Finlay the win.


What did I gain from this match? – You can always send an Irishman to do a black man’s job. Or...prevent a job…I’m not sure.


Post match, they beat Gunner down until Benoit makes the save, who appears to make a friendship with Gunner afterwards. Most people will be optimistic about this but I can still see some wise-ass heel coming out with ‘Benoit, Gunner is no Eddie you know!’


The Great Khali comes out for a promo. With many people considering him as a young Andre the Giant, I can’t help but agree. Andre couldn’t speak an audible word of English either, bless him. Daivari calls Taker a coward, basically, and then I feel ever so patriotic when Khali gets on the mic, and the crowd yells ‘WHAT’ after everything he says. Somehow, though, I doubt it was a reference to Austin’s catchphrase.


It’s time for our main event:


Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio


Very nice match. Not exactly 5 star in my view, but main event worthy so far. Crowd seems fairly divided, with Rey suffering from ‘Cena syndrome’ in that only the women and kids are cheering for him. My friend told me all the kids around him were utterly baffled that he was cheering for Angle, forgetting that he just admitted going to a show filled with kids. You’re a WINNER, dude! Anyway, It’s worth mentioning Rey cut yet another ‘underdog’ promo, despite being champion. Are they just pushing all the faces like Cena now? How long will it be till Rey comes out and does a Reggaetone song about how Angle is gay for Mexicans or something? ‘Angle likes sausage in his taco! BOOYAKA BOOYAKA.’


Uh, so yeah, anyway, the match, yes. Rey hits Angle with a 619 as Angle thinks ‘why the fuck did I just sell that?’ but gets countered into an ankle lock after an attempted West Coast Pop. Rey is about to tap, until a funny smell arises and I realise it’s because Mark Henry just entered the fray and attacked Angle. This match just went right down the shitter.


What did I gain from this match? – Mark Henry just made us appreciate Giant Gonzales. (And we doubted your word, Bacon)


Post match, Henry throws Rey out then lays Angle on a table before splashing him through from the apron. You’d think I’d be impressed but…no, wait, why would you think that? A fat guy belly flopping? Getting a push from the process? Fuck that.


End show.


What pleased me? – Smackdown is my preferred show at the moment simply for being more wrestling orientated and actually pushing new stars. They always start out with good matches (JBL/Regal in this case) and carry on strong…until, however…


What pissed me off? – It starts off so well, then goes right down the fucking tube. Why on earth is Henry getting another push when it is BLATANTLY obvious that the only thing this man can’t even carry his own body weight, let alone anyone else. They seriously need to fix this ‘bad taste in the mouth’ endings they have.


Thanks for joining me, mates, was a pleasure to recap a UK Smackdown, even if it did contain the above errors. Feel free to stop by the forums  and read the other recaps, including Remy’s Impact and his Lockdown Rant. Also, Gersh stepped in for Cameron with his guest RAW Rant and don’t forget TWF Radio Episode 2 from Sean Carless and I, featuring the lyrical stylings of one James Walker. Speaking of which, check out his HILARIOUS film review here.


That’s it for now, kids, don’t want you OD’ing on my startling product, so join me next week and stay tuned for more LSD goody goodness.



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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).