SmackDown Rant Archive (April 2006)
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With that said, let me introduce to you the new Smackdown Recap: Yes sir, the Lowdown of Smackdown, otherwise known as the LSD. So called because once you’re
finished, you may feel drowsy, confused, yet delightfully elated. That’s right, don’t go thinking I’m just
gonna emulate other recaps here, buddies. This is not ‘Joe w/Sean’s gimmick w/o originality’ here, people.
If you don’t think this is the best recap you’ve ever read, I’ll be mad. And you won’t like me when
I’m mad. Hell, you probably don’t like me now. So I got nothing to lose! On with the show! Show starts off with Rey calling out Orton for making him lose a match, but gets Angle instead.
Rey seems somewhat confused and disappointed. Dude, you expect Orton but get Angle that’s like expecting a handjob then
getting 5 chicks rigorously sucking you off simultaneously. Although, you know, KIND of an exaggerated example there. Anyways,
Angle says no one can beat him, and calls out Orton to settle scores with him as well. Orton does come out and from the aisle
challenges both Rey and Angle to a handicap match, calling Angle a ‘paper champion’. No, Randy, you can’t
wipe your ass with him when you’re done with Torrie’s bag. After Rey and Angle start fighting Orton suggests they
duke it out for the title. Long emerges and agrees, but then tells Orton he must leave the building. This’ll probably
lead up to a *SURPRISE* RKO run-in later in the show. You know, seriously, that
is getting old. I’m half expecting Orton to spill into other media: *Cut
to* ‘I’m out of order? YOU’RE out of order! This whole courtroom’s out
of or-‘ ‘ORTON WITH THE RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!’ ‘HEY! Nothing you can SAY…’ *Cut
back* Yeah. Anyway it cuts to Orton in the back being slightly peeved at having to leave, so he
shits in a gymbag out of pure rage! Then drives off. Make two Orton shit jokes in one column Joe? You betcha! Next up is Chris Benoit vs. Road Warrior Animal, the latter actually cutting a promo and saying
he ‘carried the Road Warriors for years’. What is it with WWE raping corpses? And yeah, good job carrying the
Road Warriors, Animal, even though now you struggle to carry your own body weight. Chris Benoit vs. Road Warrior Animal Well, nice that I get such a five star classic to be the very first match I recap. This job
truly has its benefits. I’ve already got good dental care. Which I’m sure all of you ignorant people out there
will remark to via ‘Yeah well you
Brits sure do need it lolz!’ Stereotype++! Anywho, They exchange punches, and Benoit backs the Animal into a
corner. There could be a joke there but I’m too smart to use it. Yeah, that’ll do. The ref separates them and
whilst his back is turned Animal gets the brass knux out of his pocket, swings, but gets caught in a Crossface. Inevitable
tap out ensues. What
did I gain from this match? – If you lose a partner, brass knux make a
healthy replacement. Backstage, Benoit bumps into ol’ JBL. JBL then compliments Benoit on what a great technical
wrestler he is, and follows up by saying he himself once beat a fine technical wrestler as well. Eddie Guerrero. Oh Jesus.
It seems a heel can’t get over now without taking a piss on Eddie. What next? *Cut
to* Simon Dean: If Eddie had followed the Simon System, he wouldn’t have been so out of
shape and died like that Snitsky: I aimed the coathanger at Stephanie! IT WASN’Y MY FAULT! *Cut
back* That’s probably getting me to Hell. Benoit tells JBL it’s a good thing his hand
is better, because those asses don’t soap themselves! What? No, he did really! Who’s writing this recap anyway?
Asshole. Here’s the next match, and it’s: JBL vs. Daniel Cross Complete squash. JBL wins with two clotheslines from Hell. This recap business sure is exciting. What
did I gain from this match? - Eddie-hate will bring you superhuman strength.
Apparently. Video montages rock. I got one for my birthday of me. It was just random shots of different
emo’s being impaled. Well, really, are emo’s ‘different’ to each other? Either way, t’was spiffing. Next match: Paul Birchill vs. Booker T Match is interrupted by the Boogeyman’s music, which causes Booker T to hide under the
ring. However, Boogeyman appears and takes Sharmell away. Sharmell? Away? In the same sentence? The only way those two words
could go together better is if the sentence was ‘Godzilla used his atomic breath to BLOW SHARMELL AWAY’. Yes indeed.
Anyway, Booker chases them up the aisle and ends up getting counted out. Seriously, throw me a fucking bone here, WWE. What did I gain from this match? – Pure
ecstasy at the thought of Sharmell being gone. Booker looks for Sharmell around backstage. Dude, you’re free. Let her go. Don’t
do a ‘Matt Hardy’. “I ain’t DYIN’, SUCKA!’ Speaking of Matt Hardy, he’s in the next 6-man tag match: Bobby Lashley, Matt Hardy and Tatanka vs. MNM and Finlay I personally like this Lashley dude. If only he looked meaner and acted like a badass and
not an 8 year old on Steroids (That’s Rey’s gimmick). Anyway, not a bad match here. Some nice spots including
a double suplex and a niiiice back body drop on Finlay from Lashley. Hardy pins Nitro after a Twist of Fate. Finally, something
worth recapping. What
did I gain from this match? – Job satisfaction! Mark Henry is out now to a standing ovation as usual. He cuts a promo of sorts on how this
year he will be the one to end Taker’s streak, as if he’s comparing himself to the likes of Flair, HHH and Kane.
Yeah, not gonna fly, man. Anyway I’m sure some of you will have heard that there was a technical problem here that involved
a screwed up mic, a dumb expression on Henrys face, and an arena full of laughing people. One could argue that it wasn’t
Henry’s fault (Snitsky maybe) but it’s Mark Henry, let’s just give hi ma hard time and blame him anyway.
He probably killed JFK. And spread bird flu. And started that rumour about me sleeping with a Care Bear. That bastard. Mexicools vs. Jamie Noble and Kid Kash A nice tag match and they seem to be pushing the division somewhat, so that gets a thumbs
up from me, as does the awesome corkscrew plancha from Psicosis, and the exploder suplex from the top rope from Super Crazy,
leading to a pin on Kash. Hmm, I need a joke to balance things out here. Um…Jamie Noble still has an infected ass! Meh,
it’ll do. Backstage, Booker finally finds Sharmell as I die inside. Oh, and she’s covered in worms.
Personally I’d just take the worms, they have more uses. Bait for fishing, making tiny lassoes… Anyway, onto the main event, which should promise some highlights I’m sure. Rey Mysterio challenges Kurt Angle for the World Heavyweight
title Lots of mat wrestling to begin with, including side headlocks, a wristlock chain and some
armdrags thrown in. Angle’s in control but the crowd is of course behind Rey all the way as they chant a dead man’s
name. Heart-warming. Angle avoids the light tap on the head of DOOM otherwise known as the 619. Angle gets thrown out of the
ring, but then reverses a baseball slide. Back in the ring there’s more mat work. Rey makes a comeback after being hit
with a Northern Lights suplex, and hits a springboard crossbody and a sunset roll into a dropkick, but Angle stops him in
his tiny tracks with a release German. Sets up the Angle Slam but gets kicked into the ropes to set up the 619 in a move that
doesn’t look staged AT ALL but Angle then reverses the move into an Ankle lock! Rey taps, after not a lot of resistance.
Angle’s still the champ. Pretty stupid booking really, as Rey now looks really weak for WM. What did I gain from this match? – Kurt Angle could probably defeat an army of robots simply by reversing the
lasers into ankle locks. Angle is walking up the aisle and out of NOWHERE OMG there’s that surprise RKO I predicted.
on Rey. The thing is, Orton comes out from under the ring. When someone told him he should be a heel like Hennig I don’t
think they meant take a dump under the ring instead of a bag, Randy. Strike Three, I’m out. I have to ask though if
Booker saw Randy whilst HE was under the ring: *Cut
to* Booker: Say, have you seen a guy round here with red face paint, tiny lassoes in his mouth?
Kinda hard to miss? *Cut
back* Orton then gets on the mic, and tells Angle he’s gonna beat his ass on Sunday. Angle
responds by running in, Angle Slam and Ankle lock, which Orton taps wildly to. End Show. What pleased me: The good matches (The tags and the main event) were definitely worth
watching and foreshadowed the boring beginning. And Lashley and Birchill continue to impress me. What pissed me off: Yet more Eddie references to make a heel hated. It’s not
really working when we saw JBL break down and tell us how Eddie helped him during a divorce. Also, the terrible booking of
the main event depicting their Royal Rumble winner as a completely weak waste of space. If he wins at WM, it’ll just
make it seem ridiculous. Well, hope you enjoyed my recap, bucko’s, I’ll be back soon with more LSD goodness.
(just don’t tell your parents). Joe
Joe Merrick is NOT AN ANIMAL.
So enough of the Elephant man business, and more about what he is: winner of the 2005 Satire Search, after defeating literally
DOZENS of hopefuls to become TWF's top British writer. He also hunts emos for sport.
Oh,
yeah, incase you haven’t figured it out, I’m James Walker. I’ll be your super-sexy host for tonight’s
activities. The veal is on special.
NitroMercury
VS PaulKendrickium, non-title match
NitroMercury
– sounds like some explosive used in Terminator 2, doesn’t it? Anywho, all over the net, people have been bitching
that these two (even four) guys weren’t on the Wrestlemania Card… but come on. London & Kendrick already blew
their Conan/Gangster like entrances a few months back, with those ridiculous leather
face masks.
As
for MNM, well, that’s what they get for outshining the entire division? You know, MNM and my testicles have a lot in
common. One is too good to be on the Wrestlemania card, and another is too good to be on the chin of any attractive female.
Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. Uh huh.
If
you watch Velocity on WWE.com regularly (and if you do, uh, you should know that nothing of importance will never ever ever
happen there) you’d know that the announcers hype London & Kendrick as being the “masters of CALCULATED CHAOS”.
In terms of wrestling oxymorons, that’s right up there with an annual Judgement Day PPV, murder attempts on the Undertaker,
and Gene Snitsky. (And yes, I stole that last one from someone at our forums.)
Gah,
enough small talk, we have a good match to call. It’s worth mentioning that London & Kendrick picked up Melina during
her entrance. I only wish they’d carried her backstage for an indy gang bang session – planchas have never been
so intrusive. We had a great old-school tag match here, with the heels pulling out every trick in the book to gain the advantage,
and the faces garnering some decent fan support because of it. Eventually,
Winners:
The ROHd Warriors
Backstage,
Booker & Sharmell inform Teddy Long that they’ve gotten a restraining order against Boogeyman, and that if he comes
within 100 feet of Booker or Sharmell, he will sue Smackdown and Teddy, as Teddy looks on with 2/3rds of his blood boiling.
Aside from the fact that Booker has no judicial reason as to why he needs a restraining order against Boogey, no one this
side of kayfabe knows Boogey’s real name, the wrestling restraining order radius seems to be growing every time, and
that it would make far more sense for Boogey to get sued rather than Teddy & Smackdown, this segment was very logical.
Next,
we get a video recap of Rey dedicating his Rumble win to Eddie. You know, I think Rey is only showing his love for Eddie because
he left an inheritance to his REAL son, Dominic, and Rey is going through that cash faster than you can say “Daddy needs
a new Aztec headdress”.
Booker T (w/Sharmell) VS Gunner Scott (w/o his real name)
Gunner
Scott is actually Brent Albright, of OVW fame. I don’t blame the WWE for changing his name at all – it’s
not like he’s widely regarded as one of OVW’s brightest talents, and as the ‘next Chris Benoit’…
err, never mind.
This change is right up there in ridiculous levels with PJ Polaco,
The Big Show, and Jacqueline’s Cruiserweight title win. Ah well, can’t win em all.. unless you’re Torrie
ANYWAYS,
this was a FANTASTIC debut for, “Gunner”. Not two minutes into the action, Boogeyman’s music hit, distracting
Booker, allowing for the LETHAL rookie roll up of humiliating defeat, stealing a victory away from Booker. Funny, normally
it’s Booker who does the stealing.
Winner:
Brent… alright… fine,
Gunner Scott.
After
the match, Teddy Long comes out and apologizes for the “music miscue”, and re-announces Gunner Scott as the winner.
You know, wrestlers might be the only people in the world who stop whatever they’re doing as soon as some music is heard.
They’d be mighty dangerous while driving a car, I tell you.
Back
stage, Chris Benoit gives GUNNER SCOTT (Sick of that name yet?) some “mad props, eh?” While he didn’t actually
say that, he should have. He should also “hose” down his foes with a Maple syrup truck, driven by a mountie, a
la Steve Austin/Kurt Angle. Either that, or saying his “ass is hungry”, and sitting on a Tim Horton’s Maple
Cream donut.
We
get another video package, this time of Orton’s No Way Out win, and then Rey getting put back in the main event in one
of wrestling’s great “Uhh, thanks for letting me waste my $40” moments. Sorta like getting a brain tumor
removed, but then putting it back in the next day. Except, in this case, the tumor allows for fewer rest holds.
Chris
Benoit VS Simon Dean
I’ve
just realized the problem with Dean’s gimmick – he can only get fat people angry. Guys like Benoit don’t
really care about his words, but sloths like Viscera do, and thus, shitty matches occur. Now, what we really need is for Simon
to bring back D’Lo Brown,and say he was responsible for his weight loss back in 1998. What’s that you say, it’s
a shitty idea? Fuck off, it’s better than throwing a pint of urine on the McMahons.
Anywho,
I burst out laughing when Dean tries to run Benoit over with segway scooter. But, Benoit channels the spirit of Goldberg,
and dodges that like a CAT. Next week, it’ll be found out that Lance Storm was actually the driver, and Benoit will
retire him again. This zaniness leads to a couple of germans (not these people), and the crossface for the submission.
Winner:
Chris Benoit
A
third and final (I hope) video package of Rey beating Orton for the belt at Mania is shown. For the life of me, I’ll
never figure out why the West Coast Pop can keep a man down for a 3 count. The only way I’d stay on my back for that
long in that position is if there was an obscenely attractive and naked woman in Rey’s position. Though, if she had
to wear a mask, I doubt she’s all that attractive. Oh, as Orton goes some generic warm up, Kurt Angle shows up. Orton
mentions the lack of a giant gold belt around his waist. I don’t get why Kurt needs a belt – his wrestling gear
already has makeshift suspenders! This makes Kurt all huffy, and Orton somehow finds his PMS glare frightening.
Randy
Orton VS Rey Mysterio© (w/o an abdomen), World Not-So-Heavy-weight Championship Match
Rey’s
the new champ! My god, this is huge! We need to put this over ina
big way! I
KNOW! Let’s let a gluttonous blob like Mark Henry main event Smackdown instead of Rey’s firs title defense! That’ll
do WONDERS for his credibility!
Anyways,
we’re getting pretty decent action by these two. About the same quality of their No Way Out meeting, but luckily, not
the same match. Rey hit a cool looking Seated Senton from the inside to the outside, but Cole & Tazz uncharacteristically
fail to say how awesome it was. Back in the ring, Randy nailed his stretch back breaker for a two count. A dropkick later,
Rey was on the outside and we go to commercial.
Back
with Randy trying something off the 2nd rope, but Rey telegraphed it. Rather, he told Randy to do it, but let’s
not split hairs here. A few near falls later, and even a neat looking springboard reverse DDT, Rey climbed to the top rope.
Crossbody fails, as Orton dropkicks him. Remember what I said about them not having the same match at No Way Out? Uhh, yeah,
scrap that. Anyways, a ring post 619, normal 619, and a dropping of 10 cents later, Rey retains. Good match.
Winner,
and still World Heavyweight Champion: Rey Mysterio
Backstage
with Palmer Cannon (where the fuck has he been?), “not endorsing the following message”. It’s a Miz hype
video, where the little guy creates some small scale chaos, laws of physics be damned. As long as his debut match isn’t
a ‘Dixie Dog Fight’, I think I’ll be happy.
Now,
we get Kristal interviewing Rey. You know, when your T&A interviewer is taller in stature than your champion, you might
want to consider hiring some midgets. Oh, and then releasing them a month later, just because it’s fun to see midgets
cry.
NOTICE:
UNTIL THE WWE DROPS THE PIRATE ANGLE, ANY SEGMENT DEALING WITH PAUL BURCHILL THAT I HAVE TO RECAP SHALL BE TRANSLATED INTO
PIRATE.
Now, we’ve got William Regal chastisin' Paul Burchill fer his swashbuckler exploits. Burchill
retorts by sayin' he’s only honorin' his heritage, an' he’s also been undefeated since th' change. Burchill then
proposes that if he loses tonight, he’ll dress appropriately. But, if he wins, he gets t' dress Regal up as a lass.
This leads t'…
Winnarrrrrrrrrrrr:
Paul Burchill
Next
up, we get Teddy Long (This guy has made more appearances on this show than Marty Jannety at the Unemployment Line) informing
a handful of upper-midcarders (and Matt Hardy) that he’s bringing back the King of the Ring. Alright, I’ll admit
it, I kinda marked out. Anyways, next week, we’ll get the first match: Angle VS Orton. Judging by the fact that Orton’s
suspension begins the day after that taping, I’m guessing Angle will take that match. Just a hunch.
Undertaker
VS Mark Henry (w/o Daivari?)
Oh
man, what
can I say? WHAT A FUCKING MATCH. Seriously, these guys were busting
out some generic stomps not seen since the days of Ronnie Garvin! I mean, it’s obvious why this was the main event –
you should have seen the soupbones getting thrown around here! I thought some beef broth or cream of mushroom was COMIN’
RIGHT AT ME.
However,
this sure fire classic ended when Daivari (ah, that explains it) came out with his next generic load: DALIP SINGH. The dude
came out, and unleashed some pathetic offence, which taker actually sold for. Alright, enough sarcasm, I have to give you
the scoop on this guy.
Now,
this can only be reasoned by one way: The WWE truly wants Undertaker to become the “Deadman”.
Winner:
Sure as hell isn’t the Undertaker, that’s for sure.
And,
that’s our show. What the fuck kind of ending is that?
Show highlight: I’m gonna give the nod to the re-introduction of the KOTR Tournement. I
always loved it, and while it probably won’t have it’s own PPV, it’s stilla
enat throwback that some fans will like. Honorable mention goes to the MNM VS Kendrick/London match & subsequent
feud, because I’m sure the matches will get great, and the Rey/Orton match, which was a pretty solid outing.
Show lowlight: DALIP. FUCKING. SINGH.
Overall,
thumbs smack dab in the middle. Two good matches, but some ridiculous shit that I can’t ignore. If the Rey/Orton match
had gone on last, this show would have gotten a better rating.
Hello there, faithful recapees, I’m back once more with
an even bigger, more potent batch of my columnised intoxicating chemical known as the LowDown on Smackdown!
I must first apologise for my absence last week; I imagine
it looked very bizarre that I made a striking new debut (Unlike Dalip Singh) only to disappear the following week. I suppose
you could say I got Mordecai’d. Anyway I’m back now, so let’s get on with the show!
Opens up with a shot of the King of the Ring crown and the
cape. Why didn’t they get this gimmick on RAW? I mean HHH would obviously win by default, and it’d keep in with
his new King of Kings persona. Makes sense to me
Anyway, Booker T comes out and claims he will defeat everyone
and win the tourney. I don’t see it doing him any favours though. ‘I’m a ONE TIME King of the Ring, Sucka!’
doesn’t quite sound as impressive does it. This leads up to Booker trying on the royal gear and proving his prestige
by dancing like an idiot, which prompts Bobby Lashley to come out and spear the hell out of him and it suddenly occurs to
me how funny, if concerning, that WWE has gotten a black dude to start using that particular move. Is the nickname ‘Spear
Chucker’ inevitable? And a tag team with Umaga? Let’s hope not.
First match is about to commence, and it is indeed a clash
of titans:
Brian Kendrick w/ Paul London vs.
Johnny Nitro w/ MM (not Melchor)
Feh. Alright match. Nitro seemed to be no-selling at first,
which was a bit strange seeing as his name isn’t Calloway. The only notable highlight was Paul London doing a nice dive
onto Mercury. And for someone to jump that high so they actually land on another planet is pretty damn amazing! Hopefully
the irritating little bastard will stay there. Either way, Kendrick wins with a rollup.
What did I gain from this match? – A boner from looking
at Melina.
Backstage segment shows Burchill finding Regal in his wench
gear and laughing at him. It seems we British are easily amused. Don’t believe it, I’ll have you know most of
us British are…ooh look, a squirrel! Nehehehehe! Ooh look, the next match! Teehee!
Paul Burchill w/ William Regal
vs. Rasheed Brown
Some funny stuff here, such as Regal trying to do the Burchill
rope swing and falling flat on his face. Truly subtle British humour there. I love it. Anyway Burchill wins with a Sea-4 after
Regal hits the Power of the Punch on Brown by accident. Apparently Regal has to stay a wench until Burchill loses a match.
So WWE’s answer to getting a new babyface over is to force us to look at a transvestite unless he loses? Logic ++!
What did I gain from this match? – Behind every Pirate
is a man in drag. I’ll never watch Hook the same again.
Funny line from Tazz here. He claims Regal would ‘die’
if he went back to Blackpool as a wench. I can tell you right now that having been to Blackpool many times, you simply can’t
MOVE for all the Anti-Crossdressing Lynch mobs!
Backstage segment with Angle and Krystal ‘I’m
a smart sophisticated interviewer who shows her bare ass on her entrance video’. Hey, I ain’t complaining. Angle
congratulates Rey but is still obviously pissed about the decision. He’s gonna take out all his rage on Orton tonight
and beat him so bad he’ll break his ankle. Hey, he must have read WWE.com!
Commercial. Oh by the way, are ads in the US and Canada as
irritating as they are here in UK? Do you get the ones that seem to claim only women get diarrhoea? Or claim that a normal
conversation between a couple is ‘We are in debt and owe CCJ’s. Woe is us.’ ‘Let’s give Direct
Line a call! We’ll save time and money!!’ or that carpet or furniture stores are WACKY?
If not, my country’s fucked.
Anyway, back to the show, and it’s Matt Hardy, the man
that will NEVER DIE (due to lacking a life in the first place).
Matt Hardy vs. The Road Warrior
Road Warrior seems to have stolen my gimmick because he is
no longer AN ANIMAL. He appears to be a jobber though, after losing to the Twist of Fate RIGHT after the bell rings.
What did I gain from this ‘match’? - THE POWER
OF EMO COMPELS YOU.
Tazz then puts over Rey for ‘changing the industry’
by being the new WHC. Hitler also changed the world, dude. Doesn’t make it good. Granted, the Holocaust was somewhat
more intimidating than a West Coast Pop, but the principle is the same.
Another segment airs with Palmer Cannon coming back and claiming
The Miz is not endorsed by the network. Seriously, I don’t care. I don’t give a shit about the ‘Miz’.
And if you do, fuck you. It’s my recap :)
Next match should be good:
JBL w/ Jillian Hall vs. Chris Benoit
– Steel Cage Match
Typical Cage match going on with both men feeding each other
to the carnivore [/Cole]. JBL immediately tries to escape after a nice shoulderblock. Benoit catches him and hits him with
a chop then a back suplex off the top. Bradshaw begs for mercy after a SWEET chop from Benoit. Damn. JBL escapes the sharpshooter
than begins a brawl. Couple more escape attempts by JBL, which leads to a Three Amigos by Benoit. Few more highspots including
a headbutt from the top from benoit and JBL hitting a Russian Leg Sweep from the top (!)
Crossface attempt, some more escape attempts and an electric
chair drop from JBL hits. Match is starting to drag a bit now, but is brought up a huge fecking notch after a GERMAN FROM
THE TOP. Ouch. This leads to Jillian distracting the ref and accidentally hitting JBL with the steel door, which in turn leads
to JBL tapping out to the Crossface….but the ref is distracted by Hall again. JBL hits the low blow (Not TWF) on Benoit
and finally escapes. Great, if long match.
What did I gain from this match? - If you think about
it, in the kayfabe world, a heel relies on testicles. No, not testicular fortitude, I mean if it weren’t for testes,
their elusive low blow would have no effect…so in a way, they rely on a good guy’s balls. I think too much, don’t
I?
Angle/Orton is pimped as well as WWE’s newest shitload,
Dalip Singh.
Speaking of which, he’s out with Daivari to USA chants.
Apparently Dalip’s new ring name is ‘The Great Khali’ although I fail to see what is so great. What? He’s
over 7 foot? Fuck-a-doodle-doo. Daivari spouts some stupid shit about tigers and pythons (not 24 inch, though, bruther). Dalip
then gets on the mic and yells something that sounds kind of like
this.
Intimidating indeed. You know, I have to agree with a point
my colleague James Walker highlighted last week, with regards to how ridiculous it is that this guy has been thrust straight
into a high profile feud with Taker simply because he is big. Unlike the other big men, he simply hasn’t paid his dues….I
mean, how many eggs has HE pushed through rings, hmm? He doesn’t even have skillet hands yet! FOR SHAME.
Anyway they follow this up with a tag match:
The Mexicools vs. The Gymini /w
Simon Dean
Gymini pull the old twin switcheroo that goes back to such
legends as…um..what were they called now..those big dudes in brown shirts and blue trunks? Huh. Well, anyway, they were
legendary. Ya. Anyway They bury Mexicools with a lame suplex ‘finisher’ and that’s that.
What did I gain from this match? – JACOB AND ELI BLU!
THAT was the team!
Is it just me who wants this team to get an English sport
gimmick and become the ‘Gymini Crickets’? Yes? Oh.
Right, KOTR match up next and it’s:
Kurt Angle vs. Randy Orton in a
‘Yooou’re gonna get suspeeendeeeed nyah nyah nyah nyah nyaaah nyaaaah!’ match
You know how Cena has a submission move called the STFU? Shouldn’t
Randy then adopt the same method and call his chinlock ‘Orton’s Mild Grapple’, hence the OMG? Then when
they have a match, it’ll be a match of l337 proportions!!11!
Anyway match starts well, a belly to belly there, a clothesline
here…Angle goes all Ken Shamrock according to Cole because he’s ‘in the zone’, and slaps on the Ankle
lock, but Orton escapes. Some chain wrestling next as the crowd looks a little bored by it all, but then another ankle lock
is hit BY RANDY ORTON….hah not really. Seeing if you’re still paying attention. Kurt of course locks it, but is
dumped outside by Orton, who then tries to force the ref to count faster. Kurt gets on the apron though and gets suplexed
somewhat awkwardly. He, in return however, throws Orton out and demands a count out. Orton gets back in though, selling the
ankle, and gets hit with the triple Germans, but then escapes the Angle slam and hits a backbreaker for two. Kurt then reverses
the RKO into a fucking Ankle Lock. Seriously, what can this guy NOT reverse?! Orton taps.
After the match, Kurt does the strangest babyface tactic I’ve
ever seen and locks Orton back into the Ankle Lock?! Bah Gawd, Orton may be taken out! SURPRISE OF SURPRISES. Cole actually
defends Angle and says he’s just taking out his frustrations. Ok so if Orton was doing that to Kurt it’d be unacceptable?
Hey, it might get him suspended….!
End show.
What pleased me? – Great cage match, and good to see
Burchill get over, even if it IS through the medium of a man in drag. Also, a good main event, even if the aftermath was confusing,
which leads me to…
What pissed me off? - Angle inexplicably attacking Orton despite
being the supposed face in the battle. Very strange. Oh, and Dalip Singh sounding like a retarded fuck.
There we have it, buddies. Not a bad show, and certainly worth
coming back for. Tune in next week when I return with more LSD (it’s fun for all the family, kids!)
The LOWDOWN of SMACKDOWN!
Joe Merrick's
James Walker's Lowdown on SmackDown! (04/07/06)
Paul Burchill VS William Regal
Extremely short match,
that sees Burchill win wi' th' Aftfbung hole exploder, better known as th' Sea-4 (Tm. Sean)
Seeing as this week’s SD is from the
Oh well, you’ll have to settle for a normal one. I’m not one to get your hopes up after
all!
That being said, greetings, faithful readers, this week Smackdown, as I mentioned, hails from across the
big ol’ pond from the Merriest Land of them all, England. Although
Anyways, JBL is first out and SURPRISES US ALL by cutting a promo against the
After the promo JBL issues an open challenge to the toughest Brit. Lemmy was said to be furious he couldn’t
make it. Anvil’s Swagbag was also said to be hiding under the bed. Hey, don’t knock it. I was too….anyway,
William Regal comes out to a nice pop, this should be good.
JBL vs. William Regal ‘My
nationality is better than your nationality!’ ‘nuh uh!’ match
Oh fuck yes, great match. Smackdown seems to have the excellent tendency to start off their shows
with some awesome matches. What really made this above average though was the fact that JBL has INCREDIBLE heat at the moment,
and the crowd of course loves Regal. This is obvious after Regal kicks out of a nearfall. JBL manages to survive the Regal
stretch, and then counters with a thumb to the eye and a Clothesline from Bloody ‘Ell to win.
What did I gain from this match? – Regal has Booker T’s syndrome. No, he didn’t
marry the Bride of Satan herself; he just gets his ass beat in his hometown. Probably literally. It IS JBL)
Speaking of Booker, he’s backstage giving a promo until Gunner Scott interrupts. He tells
Booker he beat him a while ago and wants a rematch. Booker says he’s too ill so he’ll find him a replacement.
Whilst you’re there, Booker, help a brother out and find him a replacement name too.
Paul London & Brian Kendrick & Super Crazy vs. MNM & Gregory Helms
Mr. London actually gets some decent pops here; probably due to the fact his second name is our
country’s capital. Although to be fair he did look good, and the match was solid, with Kendrick getting most of the
beating throughout. There’s probably a ‘beating + Spanky = masturbation’ joke there somewhere. Match ends
when
What did I gain from this match? – Pcicosis who?
Bobby Lashley vs. Mark Henry
– The Irresistible Force vs. The Uninteresting Object
Two matches straight after each other without a 40-minute promo in between? Satan must be in his
ice skates at the moment. The psychology of this match appears to be the age old ‘how can I knock this fat bastard down’
psyche. Although to be fair, at least Yokozuna, King Kong Bundy and my obese neighbour made it somewhat interesting. Lashley
gets beat down until he finally manages to knock Henry off his feet. Then in the most uneventful finish EVER, Henry blindly
charges the ropes, goes overboard, and gets counted out. WHAT A MONSTER HEEL. I love how Lashley, who’s also supposed
to be a monster, simply opts to let him get counted out. And they say hosses can’t be technical!
What did I gain from this match? – MAK HENRY IS SARMT
Next match is Gunner vs. his replacement, which turns out to be Finlay!
Finlay vs. Gunner Scott w/ Stupid name w/ Sorry Sean I couldn’t resist
Crowd doesn’t seem to be behind Gunner for this one, but then again would you like to be caught
chanting ‘Gunner Gunner!’? A nice solid match, however, with Gunner holding his own but Finlay still making the
thing better than it could have been. Booker interferes and gives Finlay the win.
What did I gain from this match? – You can always send an Irishman to do a black man’s
job. Or...prevent a job…I’m not sure.
Post match, they beat Gunner down until Benoit makes the save, who appears to make a friendship
with Gunner afterwards. Most people will be optimistic about this but I can still see some wise-ass heel coming out with ‘Benoit,
Gunner is no Eddie you know!’
The Great Khali comes out for a promo. With many people considering him as a young Andre the Giant,
I can’t help but agree. Andre couldn’t speak an audible word of English either, bless him. Daivari calls Taker
a coward, basically, and then I feel ever so patriotic when Khali gets on the mic, and the crowd yells ‘WHAT’
after everything he says. Somehow, though, I doubt it was a reference to
It’s time for our main event:
Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio
Very nice match. Not exactly 5 star in my view, but main event worthy so far. Crowd seems fairly
divided, with Rey suffering from ‘Cena syndrome’ in that only the women and kids are cheering for him. My friend
told me all the kids around him were utterly baffled that he was cheering for Angle, forgetting that he just admitted going
to a show filled with kids. You’re a WINNER, dude! Anyway, It’s worth mentioning Rey cut yet another ‘underdog’
promo, despite being champion. Are they just pushing all the faces like Cena now? How long will it be till Rey comes out and
does a Reggaetone song about how Angle is gay for Mexicans or something? ‘Angle likes sausage in his taco! BOOYAKA BOOYAKA.’
Uh, so yeah, anyway, the match, yes. Rey hits Angle with a 619 as Angle thinks ‘why the fuck
did I just sell that?’ but gets countered into an ankle lock after an attempted West Coast Pop. Rey is about to tap,
until a funny smell arises and I realise it’s because Mark Henry just entered the fray and attacked Angle. This match
just went right down the shitter.
What did I gain from this match? – Mark Henry just made us appreciate Giant Gonzales. (And
we doubted your word, Bacon)
Post match, Henry throws Rey out then lays Angle on a table before splashing him through from the
apron. You’d think I’d be impressed but…no, wait, why would you think that? A fat guy belly flopping? Getting
a push from the process? Fuck that.
End show.
What pleased me? – Smackdown is my preferred show at the
moment simply for being more wrestling orientated and actually pushing new stars. They always start out with good matches
(JBL/Regal in this case) and carry on strong…until, however…
What pissed me off? – It starts off so well, then goes right
down the fucking tube. Why on earth is Henry getting another push when it is BLATANTLY obvious that the only thing this man
can’t even carry his own body weight, let alone anyone else. They seriously need to fix this ‘bad taste in the
mouth’ endings they have.
Thanks for joining me, mates, was a pleasure to recap a UK Smackdown, even if it did contain the
above errors. Feel free to stop by the
forums and read the other recaps, including Remy’s
Impact
and his
Lockdown Rant. Also, Gersh stepped in for Cameron with his guest
RAW Rant
and don’t forget
TWF Radio Episode 2
from Sean Carless and I, featuring the lyrical stylings of one James Walker. Speaking of which, check out his HILARIOUS
film review here.
That’s it for now, kids, don’t want you OD’ing on my startling product, so join
me next week and stay tuned for more LSD goody goodness.
Joe
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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