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CLUSTERSHMAZZ!

CLASSICSHMAZZ:
RUSSO RETURNS TO HIS ROOTS
 
It's a quiet Wednesday morning at Blockbuster Video, Store #8253. Blockbuster clerk/former WCW World champion Vince Russo is at his post, just like any other Wednesday. But something unexpected is about to happen.

Customer: Excuse me, do you have "Desperado?"

Russo: No.

Customer: Um, why not?

Russo: Because Americans don't want to see Mexicans. They can't get over in this country.

Customer: EXCUSE ME?! Sir, I am Hispanic, I was born in Queens, and I find that very offensive!

Russo: No you don't. You really get the joke and find it incredibly funny. It takes time to build laughter.

Customer: What?!

(Russo turns to his co-worker and punches him in the face.)

Russo's co-worker: OUCH! Vince, what the fuck was that for?

Customer: Why did you just hit him? That made no sense at all!

Russo: I drink my own urine.

Customer: I beg your pardon, sir?!

Russo: You didn't see that coming did you?

Customer: Wha-- Of course not!

Russo: (Smiles) Perfect. (Russo puts his arm around his co-worker.) We got 'em right where we want 'em, don't we, pal?

Russo's co-worker (rubbing jaw): Get your fucking hand off me, Vince.

Customer (to Russo): Are you some kind of freak or something?

Russo (Paces back and forth behind the counter, breathes heavily): Dammit, there's only one way for me to do this and that's to tell it just like it is. I've spent all day in staff meetings with that politician of a store manager, Mr. Johansen. Mr. fucking Johansen has played the no-swearing-in-front-of-the-customers card in my contract. (Pauses, wipes unibrow.) I came back to this company after my genius in the eighties MADE THIS MUTHAFUCKA WHAT IT IS TODAY! I'll tell you who I came back for. I came back for Bobby, the pimply-faced kid who cleans the top of the shelves every other Thursday. I came back for Vanessa, the fat chick whose boyfriend is just using her for the free porn rentals. I came back for YOU, the customers of Blockbuster Video, Store #8253. (Pause.) And you, Mr. Johansen, you flatulent, middle-aged, erectile-dysfunctioned piece of shit, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!

Customer: ...

Russo: What?

Customer: ...

Russo: You got something to say?

Customer: You...what...I...why...

Russo's co-worker: That's it, I'm calling the cops. He's doing it again.

Customer: I give up, just give me SOMETHING to rent for my grandmother so I can get the hell out of here.

Russo (Pulls a tape from under the counter and shoves it toward Customer): Here. This is the chosen one.

Customer (reading tape box): "UNCENSORED GIRLS GONE NAKED AT SPRING BREAK MARDI GRAS?"

Russo: Yeah, that one has some women in prominent roles.

(Two policemen enter the store.)

Russo's co-worker (to the police): Hi, Ken. Hi, Louie. He's right there, guys. You know the drill by now.

Officer Louie: Hello again, Mr. Russo. Can't seem to stay out of trouble, can we?

(Russo ignores Officer Louie and points at the customer.)

Russo: Dammit, if I can go out there with no experience and rent videos, I might as well tear up your membership card and hire some actors to act like customers, dammit!

(Officer Ken draws his walkie-talkie and speaks into it.)

Officer Ken: Yeah, this is car 45 at the Blockbuster on 5th Street. We've got a 302318 in progress. That's right, Russo is doing it again. We're gonna need backup.

Voice from walkie-talkie: Ten-four. Help is on the way. Just don't do anything to provoke him, Officer Takayama.

(Officer Ken Takayama slaps his forehead as Russo suddenly perks up.)

Russo: TAKA-YAMMA? What the fuck is this shit? Americans don't want to get speeding tickets from Japanese cops! They can't get over--

Russo's co-worker: Screw this, I'm taking my break.

Officer Louie: Come on, Mr. Russo, it's time to go.

Customer: Wait, I still want to rent a video.

Officer Ken (shouting back as they lead Russo out the door): Don't worry, sir. This store is equipped with protocols for such an emergency. The relief shift should arrive momentarily.

(The cops speed away. Five minutes later, Ed Ferrara walks in, adjusting his Blockbuster name tag):

Ferrara: Boomer Sooner!

Customer: Ay caramba!

 
Harry Simon is a trivia-fueled wisenheimer who has been writing about pro wrestling off and on for 16 years and counting. Harry has written trivia pieces for both the Wrestling Observer and Live Audio Wrestling websites, and contributed a ton of research to his fellow Las Vegan Mike Tenay in preparation for the first NWA TNA PPV in 2002. Harry has also done play-by-play, color commentary, and ring announcing for indy promotions. Harry invented the Von Erich Match Rating System, which you can learn about HERE.
 
 
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*All Pics and Logos created by Sean Carless

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).