ROYAL RUMBLE RETRO
Pat Patterson is known for a lot of things during his WWF tenure: Being named
1st ever Intercontinental Champion; being Mr. McMahon's right hand man for over twenty years; and of course, making sweet,
sweet love to the Brooklyn Brawler anytime he pleases.... (sadly this is true; bringing about the question, if he was pushing
Lombardi (as in his stools) in real life, then why wouldn’t he push him in the WWF? Some mysteries will never be solved.)
Anyway, always known for his creativity, Patterson's biggest claim to fame
is no doubt the invention of the Royal Rumble. A concept that took a regular run-of-the-mill Battle Royal and added the intrigue
of timed intervals to a match featuring 20-30 flailing guys, simultaneously appearing to push each other out of the ring,
all while in reality holding them in so they don't accidentally fall out of the ring off cue. Good times.
For 17 years now, the Rumble has maintained being one of WWF/E’s most
popular events; one that seems to even draw in non-fans, like most of my family for example, who scoff at technical wrestling
matches, but always seem glued to the screen while 10 guys at a time basically hug each other for an hour. Go figure. Anyway,
the Rumble’s inherent appeal, I think, is the fact that unlike most wrestling, it is in theory not as predictable due
to its random nature. (Although in recent years the winner has been somewhat telegraphed.) I don’t know what it is,
but there’s just something about that timer counting down that you just mark out for; and it’s a feeling that
continues each year, no matter how obvious the winner may be. The Royal Rumble is just something you really look forward to
as a wrestling fan, even if you can’t explain why.
Anyway, with this said, with the 2005 Rumble looming this weekend, I thought
I’d take it upon myself in true Wrestling Fan.com fashion, to take a look back at previous Rumbles, and try to attempt
to give you some brief insight into this historic event. Ah, who am I kidding? Chances are I’m going to shit on the
legacy of this fine event in an attempt to make a few juvenile jokes. But that’s why you love me. (That, and the way
I spoon your balls)
Let’s get ready to Rumble!
1988
This was of course the first Rumble, televised on the
The big story going into this one was whether Hulk would accept Andre the
Giant’s challenge to a rematch on the now infamous February Main Event episode that saw Andre, Ted DiBiase, and the
nefarious Hebner brothers pry the World title from Hulk Hogan’s big orange hands.
However, the Rumble was the event this evening, but first we had to sit through a slew of mediocre undercard matches
that I won’t really get into; However, this all paled in comparison to witnessing a WORLD RECORD being set! Yes, friends,
the late Dino Bravo along with “spotter” Jesse Ventura would “unofficially” break the world bench-press
record, and if they had tag team rules in power lifting…they would have done it. Jesse gave Bravo an assist and as a
result,
As far as the Rumble itself went, first and foremost there were 20 participants,
instead of 30, mostly due to the fact that half the roster was working another house show at the same time. However, I’m
not sure how much the addition of Koko B. Ware truly would have added to the intrigue of this one. Anyway, the star of this
show was Bret Hart who draws number 1 and lasts more than half way, becoming the Rumble’s first-ever “iron man.”
In any event, Hacksaw Jim Duggan ends up winning the whole kit and caboodle, dumping out One Man Gang for the win…who
was just months away from dawning a giant easter egg and becoming Akeem.
And if you think that’s it, you’re sadly mistaken, mister! We
got the QUALITY main-event of The Islanders (sadly not the NHL franchise) vs. The Young Stallions …who were of course
Paul Roma and Jim Powers, a team that collectively spent more time on their backs than Paris Hilton. Anyway, a 2/3 falls match
closed this show, and The Stallions proved their worth… by losing two straight falls….
And that’s a wrap.
1989
A year has passed and now there’s 30 superstars in the Rumble, in addition
to it moving from Cable to Pay-per-view, making the grand total of WWF pay-per-views 4 per year, you know, as opposed to 3000
now.
As with the first Rumble; we had to suffer through a slew of meaningless undercard filler, including
Jake Robert’s half sister Rockin’ Robin defend the Ladies Title; a homoerotic posedown between Ultimate Warrior
and Rick Rude, and a six-man tag featuring Jim Duggan & The Hart Foundation against Dino Bravo and the Rougeau Brothers,
which was ironic because The Rougeaus had insisted for two years that they were
not evil French-Canadians like Dino Bravo (and Dave Gagnon )
Finally, The Rumble began, and immediately we got our first bit of intrigue:
Ax & Smash of Demolition drew #’s 1 & 2 respectively. The irony of Demolition is that they were manufactured
by Vince when he couldn’t steal the Road Warriors from the Crocketts. And even though we were all marks for the Demos,
in retrospect their “bad ass” offense actually only consisted of gingerly tapping their opponents with axe-handles
on their backs, and sticking their tongues out a lot. They were still cool though. Anyway, the two would only go at it for
several minutes, until Andre came in at number 3 and broke up the party.
The big story in this one was the continuation of subtle dissension between the Mega-Powers (Hogan & Randy
Savage.) Eventually, as Savage tangled with then main-rival Bad News Brown, Hogan dumped both men out, drawing the ire of
Savage (and rightfully so.) Hogan was always doing this type of stuff, and then always seemed heart broken when his best-friend’s
turned on him. Anyway, since there were no pinfalls, Hogan does a “job” and puts over the
1990
This one was surreal if only to actually hear Tony Schiavone call the action
with Jesse Ventura on a WWF pay-per-view. A few weeks later, Shiavone would be sent packing back to Turnerland. Guess he couldn’t
“put any butts in the seats.”…
As with the previous two, we had to suffer through a HORRENDOUS undercard,
featuring The Bushwhackers facing The Rougeaus (Jacques was sporting a beard here last seen capturing stray hitchhikers in
the mountains of
The big story of this Rumble however, was Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior
foreshadowing their Wrestlemania 6 match with a huge collision. Hogan would eventually *accidentally*
eliminate Warrior from the Battle Royal, drawing the ire of Warrior. That, or Warrior found out Hogan is a democrat, either/or.
Anyway, the irony of this set-up is that originally Vince was banking on WrestleMania 6 being headlined by Hogan Vs. Zeus;
with Vince hoping that “No Holds Barred”-Hogan’s big foray into movies, would translate big business into
wrestling. Sadly it blew. However, thankfully, Vince at least learned his lesson about manufacturing cheesy B-movies for his
wrestlers…Hey wait….
The final two here were Hulk Hogan and Mr. Perfect...who was originally booked
to go over, well, until Hogan vetoed it, bruther. Perfect had been bad mouthing Hulk for months, and had hilariously
doctored vignettes airing on WWF Television featuring himself excelling in various sports, finishing each one with the phrase:
“Hulk Hogan… you can’t do that.”
Anyway, after an inexplicable Perfect-Plex by Hennig, Hogan “Hulked-up”
and posted Perfect, sending him over for the big win.
1991
This was the beginning of the end of WWF’s golden-age as Hulk had seemingly
ran his course with Hulkamania, and Ultimate Warrior had been a bust as WWF champion. Vince had no choice but to turn to….Sgt.
Slaughter?
The time is January of 1991, and “Operation Get us back some oil”
was under way. Vince capitalized on this by putting the WWF title on Sarge, who turned his back on
Anyway, one bright spot on this card was the opening tag team match between the Rockers and the Orient Express, KATO and Tanaka;
these two teams gelled quite well, mainly because they were quite familiar with one another from their AWA days (The Express
was then known as Bad Company.) Other matches included Future Goldust Dustin Rhodes, and “Old Dust” Dusty Rhodes
taking on Ted DiBiase and Virgil…with Virgil finally turning on his evil employer (not Vince.) Barbarian against the
Big Bossman who was hell-bent on running through the entire Heenan Family, and finally the aforementioned Warrior Vs. Slaughter
Title match. Warrior had turned down Savage’s request of a WWF title match earlier that night, despite the fact that
Sensational Sherri was apparently ready to fellate him; This brought out Savage during the match and he smashed a scepter
over Warrior’s head allowing Slaughter to get the win and the title.
As for the Rumble itself, for the fourth year in a row, nothing was at stake.
This was probably the least entertaining Rumble as nothing really came of it, other than the continuation of the Hulk Hogan
and Earthquake feud. See, Earthquake had broken Hulk’s ribs…as every morbidly obese wrestler has always done,
and Hulk spent the better part of 8 months chasing ‘Quake for retribution. He finally got his revenge this night by
BODYSLAMMING Earthquake (Ok, we get it, Hulk, you can pick shit up) and eliminating him to win his 2nd Rumble.
After the match, Hulk grabs an American Flag at ringside and waves it, because the WWF are whores who like exploit wars. Hey
that rhymes, I’m pretty good.
1992
This was by far the best Rumble ever at the time (and continued to be so until
2004, arguably) and the first one where winning actually mattered as the WWF Title was at stake for the winner.
The show opened up with The Orient Express against The New Foundation of ‘The
Rocket’ Owen Hart & Jim Neidhart, each decked out in fashionable nipple-high balloon pants. Owen & Neidhart
go over with a Rocket launcher...SWEET IRONY! Anyway, the New Foundation dissolve several weeks later when Jim Neidhart is
fired from the WWF, forcing Owen to find solace in the ever-loving arms of Koko B. Ware as “High Energy.”
From there we get two abortions, as the Beverly Brothers best the Bushwhackers
in a match that even at an age where I knew not of workrate, I still knew this stunk like a bag of broken assholes; and then
the LOD defending their Tag team Titles against the Natural Disasters that ended with a cheesy count-out finish. The only
saving grace so far was Roddy Piper, facing The Mountie for the Intercontinental Title; and in essence having the chance to
win TWO titles in one night. Man, that’ll buy ya A LOT of coke, Roddy! Anyway, Roddy was substituting for Bret Hart
who had lost the title to Mountie a couple of nights before because of the flu(?) and was so debilitated from umm, shitting
a lot? he forfeited his spot to the Hot Rod, who won clean with a sleeper to win his only WWF belt.
It is now time for the rumble which was a one man show, featuring a guy who
had a dream. And that man’s name was Mo Green. Sorry, I was watching Godfather earlier tonight. Of course, I mean Ric
Flair who put in the single greatest performance in Rumble history, as he pretty much worked a spot with every WWF superstar
in the match. Bobby Heenan was also at his career best here as he blatantly cheered Flair on. Flair survived multiple attempts
at putting him out from a slew of former enemies like Kerry Von Erich and Roddy Piper, whom Flair hilariously sold an eye
poke…by falling down. I still mark for that.
Anyway, the final four was Randy Savage, Hulk Hogan, Flair, and Sid Justice
who had just returned from a torn bicep. Savage got eliminated by Sid and Flair and as Ric looked to be finished by the Hulkster,
Sid took a page from Hulk’s book and pitched Hogan out from behind, eliciting a monstrous pop from the live crowd. Hogan
would then illegally pull Sid out as Flair dumped him to win the WWF Title. Anyway, the irony of this match is that the real
reaction of the crowd and commentators has been lost to WWF revisionist history, as an angry Vince canned the video release
to see Sid eliminate Hulk to “boos” and had Heenan and Monsoon re-record their ending commentary. Original Gorilla
response: “Every man for himself!” “re-recorded: “What a creep Sid Justice turned out to be!”
1993
Once 1993 rolled around, it was a far different WWF than anyone remembered.
Most of WWF’s most notorious steroid users were released, Hulk Hogan was making history on TV (as in starring in the
WORST show in cable history, “Thunder in Paradise.”) and Bret Hart was atop of the WWF. For the 1st
time in about ten years, WWF belonged to the wrestlers again, and not the giants…until this night anyway….
This pay-per-view was all about change; with first Bret successfully defending
his WWF Title against Scott “Razor Ramon” Hall in a match that saw his father stoically and almost robotically
watch from ringside, only showing a hint of emotion when Bret countered Ramon in the sharpshooter from the mat.
The rest of the card was about introducing their new stars, most of which
had quickly departed WCW in latter 1992 while it was under the ridiculous reign of Bill Watts….the same Bill Watts who
banned all moves off the top rope the same month they pushed their light heavyweight Title division. Today
From there, Shawn Michaels proceeds to defeat former Rocker partner Marty
Jannetty with Sherri Martel in a “neutral” corner (It’s worth buying the coliseum video just to see “Lord”
Alfred Hayes act hilariously creepy and perverted with Sherri in a backstage interview.) Funny story here: Jannetty was SUPPOSED
to win, but showed up to the Arco arena in “no condition to compete” which of course is Scott Hall code for “completely
fucking wasted.” The original plan was for Marty to take the title then drop at back to Shawn at WM 9, but everything
went afoul and Jannetty was sent home after this match (he’d return in June to defeat HBK then switch back in time for
KOTR 1993.) From there, Bam Bam Bigelow destroyed Big Bossman in Bossman’s WWF swan song after a 5 year tenure in the
fed.
THEN, we had the unveiling of Narcissist Lex Luger, or “Narcissis”
as Bobby Heenan called him. Basically, Luger posed in front of a mirror as Bobby orgasmically put over his muscle definition
including a disturbingly homoerotic call of “MOST MUSCULAR!” during Luger’s poses. Finally, the melodious
tones emanating from Lex’s mouth (and I’m quoting Bobby here) saw Lex challenge Mr. Perfect.
Ah, onto the Rumble. Going in, and if you didn’t read the dirtsheets
back then, the three heavy favorites were Mr. Perfect, who was on an amazing roll, The Undertaker, and eventual winner Yokozuna
who was amidst a monster push that up to this point (at least on TV) saw him yet to be taken off his feet.
Some interesting notes in a not very interesting Royal rumble: Bob Backlund, still undefeated in his comeback, is the iron
man, setting what I believe was the all time record until last year. Sadly, Backlund’s inspiring heroic comeback would
be somewhat deflated as the harsh
And finally, the debut of arguably the worst wrestler in modern history: Giant
Gonzalez, fresh from WCW and the
In a side note, as Harry pointed out in his “Rumble of the Damned!” piece, Yoko drew # 27 as did past winner, Big John Studd…and both are dead now. Coincidence?
I think so, actually….
1994
As WWF is finding out currently with Randy Orton, sometimes there’s
a case where you give the Jesus push to a guy, only to find out half way through that the fans would much rather see someone
else get it. This was the case with Lex Luger, who had since put down his mirror for Old Glory, and campaigned this fair land
of ours in his Lex Express bus, in one of WWF’s truly stupid promotional ideas.
Going into this Rumble, storylines saw Owen & Bret have dissension (This angle was actually originally proposed to be for BRUCE HART….yes, the same Bruce who wore his bicycle shorts under his singlet at Survivor Series’93. Bret thankfully vetoed it, and Bruce instead continued being a teacher… and seducing his students…) Owen & Bret would team up against the Quebecers for the Tag Team Titles, but Bret injured his leg, and the match had to be stopped. Owen flipped out and attacked Bret. Yelling out that Bret was “selfish.” Although it sounded more like “Shellfish” which always made me laugh. Of course, it could make sense, 'cause Bret's wife did look like she was on the old "sea food ."diet (you know, eats all the food she sees...)
Also, Yokozuna was faced with
the challenge of The Undertaker for the WWF Title in a casket match….that saw everyone and his brother interfere to
put Taker away…before his “ghost” rose from the Titan Tron to heaven (sadly, I am not kidding) and the climax
of the IRS/Razor Ramon feud that made way for HBK and the historic Ladder match at WM X. Ramon was feuding with Irwin because
IRS felt that Razor had not paid his taxes on his gold. Listen, dude’s portraying a Cuban druglord for all intents and
purposes, so, I’m pretty sure there’s lot’s of “other” stuff he hasn’t paid taxes on….
Anyway, the main story here, as it now is custom, is that the winner would
face the WWF Champion at Wrestlemania X; Lex Luger was the heavy favorite going in…so much so that Mr. Fuji brought
in Tenryu and Greak Kabuki to stop him! First, Kabuki had to be close to sixty years old, and 2nd, Tenryu, a LEGEND
in Japan had one of my personal favorite WWF bloopers when he and Kabuki viciously attacked Lex backstage, and Tenryu, thinking
the camera was off, began smiling and laughing to himself. Solid GOLD. Anyway, in one of the sillier finishes (that they continue
to push until this day, Lex Luger and hobbling Bret Hart tumbled over the top SIMULTANEOUSLY, and both referees declared the
other victorious. Thankfully, President Tunney was awoken from his cryogenic chamber to make a decision. BOTH were winners!
And Both would get a shot at the WWF Title at WM X, with a coin flip deciding whom would get first crack at Yoko, and whom
would wrestle another opponent in the opening match first.
In a side note, this was the event where Diesel’s (Kevin Nash) push
really began, as Vince heard the reaction the
1995
Pam Anderson was the focal point of this PPV, as she was booked to walk the
winner to the ring at Wrestlemania XI. However, a marriage to rocker Tommy Lee spoiled the whole deal as now, the desirable
Pam was a crash pad for the gigantic loins of Tommy Lee, in essence making it not believable that she had any interest
in the Rumble winner whatsoever.
This was the WWF’s darkest hour, and the booking here proved it. First,
Diesel, then WWF Champion, faced Bret Hart, and came out to virtual silence in what would be the beginning of the least profitable
WWF Title reign EVER (and yes, this does include JBL). The match, that was fairly decent, turned out to be a shmazz when both
HBK and Owen Hart interfered multiple times.
Razor Ramon dropped the IC Title to Jeff Jarrett…and no this had nothing
to do with the fact that Jerry Jarrett was now on the WWF booking committee. Ah, I’m kidding. This was “Double
J” we’re talking about. You Know J-E…double F.. J-A- double R….-E-…double T. You know, back when Jeff was actually entertaining or E-N-T-E-R-T…ah, you get the idea. From there,
123 Kid & Bob Holly won the WWF Tag team Title over Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka, in a match that was to begin a storyline
between Bammer and Lawrence Taylor who was sitting at ringside. This was supposed to be the beginning of a HUGE push for Bigelow
but ended up seeing him become the WWF’s highest profile jobber. It was also an angle partially responsible for seeing
Steve “Mongo” McMichael’s first foray into Wrestling, and should be loathed for that very reason.
And finally The Undertaker Vs. IRS...who was miffed at Taker for having stopped
paying his taxes…. regardless of the fact that he was a corpse, which I always assumed got you off the hook. However,
it was a little hard to swallow Taker having trouble with Irwin, after he had dominated Yokozuna so handily several moths
before. Just saying.
This year, the Rumble itself was 30 second intervals as Vince joyously put
over the fact that this year’s would be the most fast and furious ever! And not that the roster was so painfully thin
that they had to speed things up, so people wouldn’t notice that 25 out of the 30 guys were the likes of Ron Harris,
Timothy Well and Kwang The Ninja….
Anyway, the real story in this Rumble was Michaels and Davey Boy Smith who
drew numbers one and two respectively….and lasted the whole thing. As already mentioned, this was to camouflage the
fact that this particular year’s Rumble was filled with so many no-hopers. And let’s be frank, was there anyone
who wanted to see the brothers Blu (and boy did they!) win the whole kit and caboodle? Anyway, the final four came down to
Bulldog, HBK, Lex Luger who was no doubt hoping to fall out of the ring with someone else again, and go back to Wrestlemania;
and Crush… who returned to the WWF just in time to get charged with steroids, guns and marijuana just a few weeks later.
Anyway, Michaels and Crush dumped Lex, and Davey eliminated Crush, leaving the two who started it all to finish it. Davey
would then seemingly win the Rumble when he tossed Michaels out, but as it turns out, only ONE of Shawn’s feet touched
the floor, and he scooted back in to officially dump Davey out to win the Rumble and the prize of Pamela Anderson… who
showed absolutely no interest in him at all. And you know, when Shawn fucking Michaels is not sleazy enough to garner Pam
Anderson’s attention, you know there’s something wrong…..
Anyway, Michaels went on to Wrestlemania XI and did the job to Kliq running
buddy Diesel…who needed all the help he could get in the credibility department. Funny thing though, Michaels was actually
originally supposed to go over at Mania, but it was vetoed at the last minute, as he was gaining in popularity and Vince instead
decided to turn him babyface, marking one of the only times that Michaels himself didn’t get HIS WAY because of politics.
1996 Anyway, even though Bret was WWF champion here (and successfully defended
the title against Undertaker when Diesel caused a disqualification) the REAL star was again Shawn Michaels who in the midst
of getting his biggest push, and was a lock to win the WWF Title. See, HBK was riding a sympathy wave and as a result “shworked”
(equal parts shoot/work) the fans with a concussion. Shawn Michaels was really pulverized by a bunch of sailors outside a
nightclub in But first, there was the undercard. First things first we saw Jeff Jarrett
return just long enough to go head to head with Ahmed Johnson, the Pearl River
Powerhouse (Porterhouse now. Dude got HUGE) who surely would have been a huge star if not for the fact that he made Mr. Glass
from Unbreakable look like fucking Superman. Jarrett smashed a guitar over Ahmed’s head causing a DQ, then packed his
bags for WCW soon after. From there, we saw the ONLY two teams in the WWF, The Smokin Gunns defeat Sunny’s (Tammy Sytch)
Bodydonnas who had a work out gimmick ala Simon Dean (made hilariously ironic considering her shape these days. Then again,
her fitno-powder was inhaled…) From there, we had Razor Ramon defending the Intercontinental Title against
Goldust, who was flanked by his then-wife Terri Runnels, who was then known as Marlena. Goldust would use “machinations”
as Vince would describe, to throw off his opponents. And by “machinations” he meant groping his opponents and
coming onto them. But then again, it is par for the course, really. It was only a matter of time before Dustin, a guy who
has wrestled men with an erection for 15 years would be booked as a homosexual. Just saying. In any event, 123 Kid gets involved,
and costs Razor the strap when he delivers a top rope spinkick. Onto the Rumble itself, which unlike the previous year actually had a bit
more intrigue to it as far as certain performers debuting/returning went. Also, in a trivial side note, this was the first
year every wrestler who came down after the buzzer sounded got a snippet of their theme music played as they ran to the ring.
(In previous years only the first two entrants had musical entrances.) HHH draws number one (after losing via DQ to Duke Droese earlier that night.
Yes that’s right, RVD, Booker T. and Also debuting this night was The Man they call Vader, despite Vince never
telling us just who “they” were supposed to be. Vader had just finished up a stint in WCW, until he left the fold,
as Paul Orndorff’s flip-flopped feet booted his ass out the door. Vader did some major damage in there, until he and
Yokozuna butted heads. This was somewhat of a “dream match” because Vader and Yokozuna dominated their respective
brands in 1993. HBK however, made his way out, and eliminated BOTH men. Nothing would stop HBK this night, be it fake knee
injuries, or lost smiles, as he pitched out one man after another, before eliminating good friend/better enemy Diesel with
a well timed superkick to win the whole thing and go onto to Wrestlemania 12 where he’d become WWF Champion. Michaels
would then celebrate his monumental accomplishment by taking his trunks off (I wish I was kidding). WWE never explained who
exactly this was supposed to appeal to. And if it was teenage girls, shame on you, Shawn. Every time I take my pants off for
16 year old girls I get arrested. Tough world. 1997 This Rumble was unique because it was the first and only housed in a large
arena (the Alamo Dome.) The downside though was that they had to give away half the tickets to fill the arena…. They say everything is bigger in On the undercard, they had Vader
squash a very fat Undertaker; a six man “Lucha style” match that I guess was supposed to launch WWF’s Lucha/cruiserweight
hopes. (I’d get into Vince’s whole Super Astros debacle but it’s long and it’s boring. But let’s
just say, Warrior isn’t the only guy who hates Mexicans now….) From there we had reformed homosexual Goldust losing to HHH who was accompanied
by a coked-out Mr. Hughes; Hughes would soon be replaced with a clean and sober Chyna (tee hee) and the rest would be history.
And finally, we had HBK regaining the WWF title from Sycho (get the “p”
out) Sid. HBK would then forfeit the Title rather than job it back to Sid a month later after losing his “smile.”
This abortion also caused Michaels to sit out Wrestlemania 13 where he was to return the favor for Bret Hart. Things worked
out better though as we got Austin/Bret as a consolation. In retrospect it’s actually kind of hard to watch the way the Bret character
was treated, especially when you consider everything he said was TRUE, yet, commentators branded him a crybaby anyway. This
was especially frustrating after years of on-camera Vince crying over any injustice Hulk Hogan would befall. 1998 The WWF was a very different place just a year later, as the company was on
the door-step of the soon-to-be-mega-successful Attitude era. Bret was off to WCW after being screwed worse then a prostitute
with a metal snapper, and WWF as a result put all their eggs in Austin and Shawn Michaels respective baskets. Speaking of Michaels, he and Taker would conclude their surprisingly awesome
rivalry with a casket match which of course is secret WWE code for “way to job Taker out with really putting anyone
over.”) The irony though is that one year prior Michaels lost his smile after the Rumble, another smile cost him everything….his
vertical smile that is, as HBK takes an awkward choke-slam onto the casket, hitting his ass, tailbone and lower back, injuring
himself severely, and in essence prematurely ending his WWF career( well, until 2002) Anyway, Michaels retained his WWF Title against Taker on this night when Kane
“turned” on his brother after a brief alliance. After the match, Kane lit the casket on fire. I too try this all
the time, and surprisingly I never seem to get many invites to funerals anymore. From there, Vader bested The Artist formerly known as Goldust; The LOD defeated
New Age outlaws by DQ, seeking revenge for the Outlaws and DX shaving Hawk’s Mohawk!? The humanity! Shaving a bald man?
How’d you ever live that down? Also, Rock used a big bag of monkeyshines to overcome Ken Shamrock and retain his intercontinental
Title when the referee reversed the decision after catching Shamrock with brass knux (That were actually Rock’s) And
to round things off there was a minis match. But, the big story was the Rumble itself, and every participant gunning for
Stone Cold (back when WWE actually knew when to let someone (in this case Other footnotes of this Rumble were Mick Foley portraying all three Faces
of Foley in one match (Cactus Jack, Dude Love & Mankind), Mike Tyson sitting in the skybox with Vince cheering on “Cold
Stone” (He’s apparently a HUGE fan of ice cream) and Austin sneaking through the crowd to enter the rumble while
everyone’s back was turned. Anyway, the finale sees Faarooq (who was technically the leader of Nation
of Domination) get dumped out by fellow nation member, The Rock, leaving only Rocky & Austin. 1999 Ah, 1999, Attitude is in full swing, and Vince Russo is booking angles so
tastelessly shitty that even giving his heart to the Lord earlier last year likely won’t be enough to get his ass through
the pearly gates. Anyway, this particular Rumble was infamous for one match: The “I Quit”
match for the WWF championship, featuring The Rock and Mankind, immortalized in the film Beyond the Mat for its brutality.
The huge story here was not so much the finish (Mankind knocked unconscious, “submits” but in reality it’s
a pre-recorded “I quit” from an earlier spoken promo) but the 10 consecutive unprotected chair shots Mick took
from an overzealous Rock. The undercard however left little to be desired. First Big Bossman defeated
Road Dogg in a meaningless match. Ken Shamrock then kept the Corporation roll going by besting Billy Gunn during his 1st
aborted singles push. Val Venis also got involved in this match because of a silly side program that saw Val bed Shamrock’s
“sister” Ryan. The funny part however was the fact that in real life, Ken Shamrock himself was dating Ryan. And
even more surprising is that Vince Russo didn’t somehow spin that into an angle. From there Xpac successfully defended
the European Title against Gangrel. Sadly, Gangrel could have spared us the indignity of having to watch Xpac make that porn
video if only he had drained all the blood from Waltman’s body. And finally, we had a “strap match” between
Luna and Sable, but I soon lost all interest when I found out they would be strapping on leather belts, and not rubber penises.
And now, the Rumble itself. This year had only one frontrunner, Stone Cold
Steve Austin whom Vince decreed would enter at number one, however, Vince McMahon himself was entered in the fracas at number
two, thanks to off and on commissioner, Shawn Michaels and a battle royale won by Chyna who received the coveted # 30 spot.
But in a side note; for all the hoopla that goes with getting number 30, not one man who’s drawn that number has ever
won the match. The funniest thing about Vince in this deal was the Rocky-esque work out videos
where Shane pushed Vinnie Mac to the limit. Lot of good it did Vince though, as Austin destroyed him and chased him backstage
where the Corporation waiting and beat down Austin leaving the audience to believe Austin was eliminated (neither he nor Vince
were) The match carried on, and Vince eventually made his way back down to the commentator’s desk. One funny note that
still breaks me up to this day, featured HHH quite obviously audibly yelling to Val Venis: “If I throw you over can
you hold on?” Anyway, 2000 This was arguably the greatest over-all WWF PPV of the Attitude era until
Wrestlemania 17 rolled around. Unlike most years, the undercard was incredibly solid, as Tazz defeats Kurt
Angle in his WWF debut with the Tazzmission. Ah, Tazz, you’ll at least always have this moment. From there, The Hardys
defeat the Finally, on the undercard side, there was the match that made HHH a star,
as he and Cactus Jack battled in a street fight. Brutal stuff, with both men at their absolute best. Ending sees HHH retain
his WWF title by pedigreeing Foley face first on thumbtacks. A total rub by Mick here, and the official point where Trips
went from lame duck champion to credible. Then we had the Rumble itself. Everyone knew The Rock was going over, but
the card was so good, we didn’t care. Anyway, a lot of filler in here, but eventually, the final two are Big Show and
The Rock. Rock of course eliminates Show to *officially* win the rumble, but footage shown on Raw would show that Rock’s
feet actually touched the floor first, giving Show an out to eventually get into the Wrestlemania main event (along with Hunter,
Foley and Rock.) 2001 Another solid offering here; Not quite as good as 2000 overall (in my opinion
at least) but VERY close. Here was yet another case where the undercard RULED all kinds of ass. First,
The Dudleys cleanly regained the Tag team Titles by defeating E & C. From there, Chris Jericho won the IC title from Chris
Benoit in probably the most unheralded ladder match ever; and one that brought the concept back to actual believable psychology,
as opposed to just the insane bumping it had became synonymous with. Chyna then worked a match with then-women’s champion,
Ivory. This was at the point where Chyna was desperately trying to be sexy, and had even done a spread in Playboy…and
not penthouse, thankfully, because let’s just say, “the man in Chyna’s boat” must have a case of gigantism
if you know what I mean *shudder* Anyway, Chyna dominated, but miffed a handspring elbow and was “paralyzed” and
pinned by Ivory. Ross and Lawler use their Owen Hart voices soon after to convince us this was not a work. The WWF championship match was unique, if only because both Angle (the Champion)
and HHH were both heels. HHH had Stephanie in his corner and Angle countered with Trish. This was a very good match, but the
crowd didn’t really know who to cheer for (although they leaned more towards Trips) the finish saw the obligatory ref
bump, and Steve Austin runs in and stuns Trips allowing Kurt to win the match and retain the Title. Anyway, the rumble itself for the 1st time since arguably 1990
wasn’t predictable, as TWO men had an equal shot to take it all, and those two men were Steve Austin & The Rock.
Everyone else were just plot devices in their way. However, one of those “plot devices”, Kane, got quite the little
monster push here, setting the all time elimination record in the process. The final four ends up being Kane, Other notes: Undertaker and Kane reunited for the millionth time after feuding
for the millionth time, and the 2002 With the Invasion angle now in the proverbial shitter, Vince and company attempt
to move forward. However, their first order of business is to cut the legs out from Undisputed Champion, Chris Jericho, which
was terrible idea because he’s only about 5’8” anyway. All kidding, aside, Jericho’s reign was treated
as a joke from the word “go”, and even though he had an excellent match with Rock here (Jericho retained by pinning
Rocky with his feet on the ropes), he still felt like a lame duck champion. Of course the worst was still yet to come…. The undercard was mediocre at best, but had its moments. First, Tazz &
Spike Dudley successfully defended their Tag team Titles against the From there Trish Stratus continued her transition from really hot manager
to really hot wrestler, successfully defending her Women’s title against Jazz. William Regal utilized the power of the
punch to unseat Edge of his Intercontinental Title, and finally, Ric Flair utilized the power of the paunch to defeat
fellow co-owner (at the time, Flair “owned” 50% of the WWF) Vince McMahon. However, the funniest part of this
feud was seeing Vince dress up in full Nature Boy attire in the promo package, complete with wig. The match held up surprisingly
well, but it was Ric Flair we’re talking about, the same man who once made El Gigante look like he could actual move
his body. Vince too can always be counted on to put on an at least entertaining, albeit not technically masterful performance. The Rumble itself was entirely HHH’s baby, as the returning cerebral
assassin was odds on favorite to take the whole thing. However, there were still several markout moments. First the priceless
look on Undertaker’s face after Maven dropkicked him out, followed by Hurricane’s attempt to double chokeslam
Hunter and Austin simultaneously, with HHH and Austin just looking at one another with a perplexed look before dumping Hurricane.
The last for me was the return of MR. PERFECT, who got a HUGE pop. I just can’t tell you how much I marked out when
he caught Kurt Angle with a perfect-plex. Anyway, the final four came down to 2003 They used to always say you can remember where you were the day Kennedy was
shot, but since I wasn’t even sperm yet, I’ll retort with this. You’ll always remember where you were the
day Scott Steiner and HHH battled in the WORST World title match in WWE history. And where I was, was right in front of my
TV, thinking of whether a blunt shot to my skull with my All in one remote could end my life and stop the pain. However, thankfully,
Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit much like Anakin Skywalker, were there to bring back balance to the force. The two would put on
a 5 star classic that still ranks in my all-time top 5 matches ever. (Kurt retained via submission), However, if catch as catch can wrestling was not your bag, or you didn’t
exactly rally behind HHH and Scott Steiner out-gaying each other in a slew of homoerotic posing contests designed to prove
who the bigger man was… by convincing us that they were the complete opposite of that… then there was the undercard: First, to even get into the Rumble match, Brock Lesnar had to get past Big
Show…the same man who handed him his first defeat and took his WWE title in the process. Brock would defeat Show, who
wore a pair of his best slacks for the occasion, with an F-5. But seriously, what was the reason Show briefly switched to
pants? Maybe it’s the equivalent of the fat girl in a pool with a t-shirt? I don’t know. From there, The Dudleys regained the Tag team Titles by defeating William
Regal & Lance Storm, and Torrie defeated her “mother in-law,” who fucked her father to death, Dawn Marie.
We can all only hope to go the same way. Anyway, the Rumble was next, and the big story here (besides Lesnar earning
his spot) was HBK and Anyway, this was a PPV that simultaneously displayed how, and how not to book
a pay-per-view. Unfortunately, WWE progressed with the opposite build, curtailing Benoit’s push, even though the Bean
town crowd giving him a standing-O. While HHH and Scott Steiner got to get another ppv payoff, despite the fact that their
match stunk and the crowd turned on it faster than a guy wearing an “All you need is Cock” t-shirt to a feminist
rally. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. 2004 2004 was a year where things were finally looking up. Eddie Guerrero and Chris
Benoit were being elevated, and the old guard was seemingly passing the torch. But, whew, what a difference a year makes,
eh? We’re right back to where we started. I kinda feel like a guy who survived cancer but gets hit by car as he’s
leaving the hospital. We just can’t win. Anyway, regardless of how things ultimately turned out, we’ll always
have the 2004 Royal Rumble…the best booked Rumble EVER. First things first, Batista & Ric Flair successfully defend their Tag
team championship against the Rey Mysterio defeated Jamie By Gawd Noble…back when he still wore pants…and
had a job… to retain the cruiserweight Title, when Blind Nidia’s “interference” backfired. And yes you heard right. Blind Nidia. You remember,right? She was visually impaired by Tajiri’s “mist?”
(I think I saw this same thing on a porno bloopers video.) Anyway, Noble would use her blindness to his benefit MANY times,
before Nidia began *accidentally* costing him matches. But who needs that? As far as I’m concerned, the only useful
blind person is "Daredevil", and even he's imaginary. Eddie Guerrero squashed Chavo Guerrero/accompanied by CHAVO CLASSIC(~!) clean
with a frog splash in another short match. Not much to this one, which was disappointing, but marked for Chavo Classic anyway
because he reminded me of Cheech Marin….only he could moonsault! Who says pot makes you lethargic! Then we had the REAL main-event, and the real reason why the matches required more shaving than an Italian girl in the Summer time: HHH and HBK NEEDED all the
time to tell their story… which is the best one in the EVAR!!!11 in case you didn’t know. Anyway, I remember a
time when Shawn Vs. Hunter was a dream match that I thought we’d never see. That was about 6 pay-per-view matches ago.
Still, the match at the Rumble under “last man standing” rules was quite good, but it had one of the worst finishes
in recent history when neither man could answer the count, calling the bout a “draw.” However as hollow as this
cop-out finish was, it in part at least allowed us to see a five-star match at Wrestlemania XX (along with Benoit) so I’m
not complaining. Ah, then, the Rumble match itself. And one of the least predictable in recent
history. We all had a hunch Benoit would win, but none of us really knew if WWE had the balls to really go through with it.
And this is what set this Rumble apart from others in recent years, as there were several probable choices to choose from.
For one, we knew Lesnar and Brock would be meeting at Wrestlemania, but we didn’t know how the company would go about
it. Lesnar was still WWE champion, so could Goldberg win the Rumble and jump to SD to challenge Brock? Also, after weeks of
tormenting Kane, we all thought Undertaker would show up (he didn’t) but the intrigue was still there. And finally,
the surprise entrance of Mick Foley and his subsequent elimination of arch-rival Randy Orton was one of the year’s true
markout moments. All in all this was the greatest, most emotional Rumble match ever (just barely edging out ’92) as
Benoit would ultimately prevail, using his leverage on the apron to choke Show out of the ring and go onto make history at
Wrestlemania. AWESOME stuff. Anyway, this takes us to this year’s event. This year, I think it’s
safe to assume that the bulk of fans out there are pulling for Batista to get the job done and go on to Wrestlemania 21 and
HHH. But what surprises are in store for us tomorrow, if any? Will there be any surprise entrants? Will the WWE go with another darkhorse choice? Or will they stick with a safe bet? This is what makes the Rumble a time-tested
winning formula. I for one am stoked. I’m Sean.A year has passed and the Diesel experiment had completely failed, and as with every time some of Vince’s shit didn’t
stick to the wall, he went back to Bret Hart as Champion. You see, in WWF lore, Bret is the loyal yet somewhat homely girlfriend
that you always return to after flings with various tramps and whores go astray.
Anyway, onto the rumble itself. Since the roster was pretty thin, almost everyone involved in the undercard participated in
the Rumble match itself, but regardless this was a spotlight for one man: Stone Cold Steve Austin. The man of the hour, and
certainly a far cry from the Ringmaster that floundered just one year before.
And then…there was arguably the WORST World Title program in WWE history. (Brock Lesnar Vs. Hardcore Holly)This entire
throw away program was built around Bob Holly seeking revenge on Lesnar for breaking his neck. To me, they always had the
roles reversed in this one, as it was Holly’s own fault it happened in the first place when his stubborn ass sand-bagged
on a powerbomb and Lesnar basically said “fuck it.” I never understood why we were supposed to feel sorry for
him. I always compared it to a guy who kicked a pit bull in the balls then complained later when he got mauled. But more than
anything else, this feud was stupid because it was BOB FUCKING HOLLY WRESTLING FOR THE WWE TITLE. What, they couldn’t
suit Kwang up, or get Frankie through customs fast enough so Koko B. Ware could finally get his shot? The sad fact is that
no one in history has been more of a lame duck challenger to a World Champion EVER in PPV history, and this includes the Patriot.
In fact, the only way Lesnar could have logically been in ANY trouble is if Bob got behind the wheel of his
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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