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PPV RANT
(01/30/10)
BY GREAT SCOTT
 

 

Wow look at this!  I feel like a little leaguer standing on the pitcher’s mound at Yankee Stadium.  One week, I’m writing recaps for WWE’s fourth-string show, and the next week I’m writing a recap for the second biggest show on Rounded Rectangular Callout: Sorry to disappoint ya’, fellas!WWE’s plate!

 

Before I continue, I have to let you know that I’m doing most of this recap based on my memory of the event.  I had some of my buddies over and we were more focused on goofing on things than actually watching the matches…because most of the matches deserved to be openly mocked.  That being said, I hope to still bring you a high-quality, laugh-inducing recap that you will remember for years to come. 

 

We’re quickly reminded how important ECW is in the grand scheme of things, as the night opens with…

 

Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson (with William Regal)

 

Big Zeke comes out and makes a lot of “I’m a crazy, big tough, black guy” faces.  Right off the bat, my buddies and I realize that the back of Jackson’s neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.  We also constantly mock that Zeke is wearing Ahmed Johnson’s old tights…I guess the WWE is in financial trouble if they’re recycling outfits.

 

On to the match, where Christian maintains control early by being small, white, and quick.  This culminates with Christian hauling off with a crazy ass smack on Jackson.  Another decent spot sees Christian send Zeke to the outside and hit a relatively clean baseball slide dropkick.  From this point on, the match gets a little boring, with Zeke hitting dull moves like punches and body slams. 

 

Eventually, Christian ends up on the outside, and Regal grabs him, only to be caught by the referee and sent to the back along with any chance of Jackson winning this match.

 

The match continues slowly, with one cool sequence seeing Jackson whiff on a short clothesline, only to come back and clobber Christian in the back.  From this point on it’s all pretty wrote….Christian hits his flying uppercut and upside down corner kick, while Jackson manages to escape the Kill Switch a few times and get in his crazy stiff-looking shots before Christian ends it with the Kill Switch (outta’ nowhere) for the win.

 

Winner (and still champion):  Christian

 

Rating: 

 

Two out of five is the best this is going to get.  The pace was glacial and the match was insanely predictable.  The fact that CM Punk, Evan Bourne, Yoshi Tatsu, and Shelton Benjamin were passed over for this match is ridiculous.

 

We go to the back, where Cryme Tyme for some reason doesn’t have both members in the Royal Rumble…which is retarded considering there’s open space, but who am I to question the WWE’s logic?  My buddies and I are paying next to no attention, but I guess The Miz comes in and is put in a match with MVP that I thought was already on the card…whatever.

 

The Miz vs. MVP

 

This match was about as interesting as watching paint dry.  Both men do all of their signature moves; MVP does the flying clothesline, the knee drop he stole from HHH, and the Ballin’ Elbow, while The Miz hits his corner clothesline…and…um….some kicks and stuff.

 

The end of the match was equally thrilling, as The Miz wins with…a small package roll up.  That is, indeed, awesome.

 

Yes, that recap was short, but so was the match.  All there was were a couple of spots with a lot of rest holds, kicks, and punches thrown in.  I’m slowly beginning to think that MVP isn’t all that great.

 

Winner (and still champion):  The Miz

 

Rating: 

 

That match was pretty terrible, especially for a pay-per-view match.  The Kofi Kingston-Miz match a few weeks back was ten times better.

 

After the match, The Miz mocks MVP, so MVP does what any good face wrestler would do…he attacks him, finishing it off with a very sloppy Playmaker.  MVP stalks off.  Didn’t he just turn face like a month ago?  This guy is more flippy floppy than Kane.

 

Our next match is going to be potentially more boring than the previous match, as we have…

 

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

 

Wow, you know your champion sucks if the crowd is popping for Randy Orton.  I guess asking the crowd to back one of these guys is like asking them if they would rather get caner or AIDS.

 

Lots of posturing to start, with each man getting a move in on the other.  Randy does his, “I’m a snake, really,” slither in the corner.  The match continues to move at the speed of erosion, but there is a little psychology, as Sheamus chooses to work Orton’s arm, while Orton works on Sheamus’ leg. 

 

The match oozes on, offering substantially less than most RAW main events…perhaps they’re doing this to make the Royal Rumble itself more interesting.

 

You know what, I forgot to mention that before this (SARCASM ALERT) titanic struggle between two awesomely talented, charismatic superstars, both members of Priceless approached Randy Orton and mentioned that the other one might try to stab Randy in the back.  I love how these two guys are trying to gain the approval of someone who has beaten the crap out of them AND THEIR FATHERS!!  HELLO!!! 

 

Anyway, the match continues ad nauseum until Cody Rhodes comes out to try to help his fearless leader.  This, however, manages to get Orton disqualified.  I guess that didn’t work out as you’d hoped, huh create-a-wrestler template?

 

Orton shows how much he cares for his brother in arms by yelling at him and smacking him around.  To further this illogical cluster-f***, DiBiase, who just tried to tell Orton that Rhodes might turn on him, comes out to HELP RHODES!!!  Seriously?  So, what does Orton do?  He starts to pummel DiBiase, as well.  Awesomely enough, the crowd is thoroughly behind Orton this entire time. 

 

File:Bangers and mash 1.jpgHowever, all of this gives Sheamus enough time to gather his wits and boot the bangers and mash out of Orton.  Man, that match was horrible all the way around.  Why build Sheamus up as a badass, put the strap on him, and spend months only to have him get beat up and/or squeak by (or lose to) every opponent…except of course Evan Bourne?  The WWE can never take risks properly…they always half ass it and it never works out.  Just look at the WCW "invasion," starring Steve Austin and Kurt Angle!!

 

Why not let Orton lose for once?  Even if you tell him to do the job and he gets mad at you for the decision, he's only going to give you an Eskimo nose kiss…that's how he emotes anger. 

 

Winner (and still lame duck champion): Sheamus

 

Rating:    

 

Horrible match, horrible ending, horrible logic.  Again, this match might’ve been tolerable if they’d have gone with Kofi Kingston instead.  As it was, this match was terrible.

 

Speaking of terrible, the next match of the evening is…

 

Mickie James vs. Michelle McCool

 

Do you have a problem defining the word "irony?"  Michelle McCool mocking someone's weight problem…that's irony.

 

Before the match, we're treated to the ingenious comedy that this feud has produced.  Fat jokes abound, and that's about it.  So, Michelle comes out first and grabs the microphone…oh goody.  Before I continue, if you don't read my Superstars column, I think Michelle McCool is the worst diva on the roster, especially considering the push she's constantly getting.  Her voice is grating, and she's as bland as plain grits.  I realize the only reason she's getting said push is because she's keeping The Undertaker satisfied.

 

Anyway, McCool runs down Mickie James with the same fat jokes and says the Mickie isn't coming.  Well, out comes Layla in the same stupid pig costume that was only mildly amusing the first time she wore it.  The jokefest is about to start when THANK GOD Mickie James' music starts up and she runs down to ringside.  She quickly dispatches pig suit Layla and jumps in the ring.  Layla tries to help out, but Michelle ends up kicking her and Mickie James hits her DDT for the win!  Woo hoo!

 

If only that were a toothbrush on a pole match, Michelle would've ACED IT!! 

 

Winner (and new champion):  Mickie James

 

Rating:  

 

I'm only giving this match two Frank Gorshins because Mickie James won and maybe the WWE will give Michelle some time off.  Here's hoping.

 

Well, there's only one non-Royal Rumble match left.  At least the rest of the PPV has set the bar nice and low…so this match might shine…even though we know who's going to win.

 

Rey Mysterio vs. The Undertaker

 

Well, the match starts like every other "small guy vs. big guy" match…Rey scoots around and hits some quick kicks that don't have any effect.  After a little bit, the pace picks up, as The Undertaker BRUTALLY tosses Rey to the outside.  Rey tries to get back in the ring, and the Undertaker just punches him right back out.  Man, way to make a challenger look credible there, Mark.  Rey actually gets out of the way of the apron leg drop, but Undertaker quickly sets it back up and hits it, anyway.  Rey already looks like he's been through a blender, so Undertaker sets him up for a chokeslam.  Rey manages to escape and hit a hurricanrana…I'm sure this isn't going to last…and I'm right.  Rey tries for the 619, but he's caught.  Undertaker goes for the Tombstone, but Rey escapes.  Since Rey has had some momentum for more than 20 seconds, Undertaker boots him in the head on a dive. 

 

We learn that non-selling is hazardous to your health as it seems as if `Taker has a bloody nose and/or mouth.  He probably cut himself on one of Michelle McCool's sharp, bony appendages.

 

Ray tries to escape the continued no selling, but Undertaker can't have there be 30 seconds or more of him not beating the crap out of someone.  Undertaker eventually kicks the pole by accident, and Rey rolls up.

 

Rey is caught in another dive, and Undertaker tries for the Last Ride.  Rey is having none of this, but neither is The Undertaker.

 

The match gets kinda' boring from this point on until the end, during which Rey hits two 619s…which I'm assuming is called the 1,238.

 

Rey tries for the West Coast Pop, and The Undertaker gets sick of selling and hits him with a wicked Last Ride for the win.

 

Winner:  The Undertaker

 

Rating: 


This match was actually pretty watchable.  It's a shame that Rey didn't have more than two minutes of total of total offense.  However, The Undertaker looked a lot more formidable when he was capable of tossing around Rey like a rag doll.

 

Wow, that was a pretty bland set of matches.  Hopefully, the Rumble will be a little more exciting.  It certainly will be for me and my buddies because we have money on this.  Each of us have five numbers…I have 1, 2, 6, 17, and 18.  We get points for our superstars eliminating other guys, making it to the final four, and winning the match.  We lose points if our guy can't make it until the next guy comes out.  Let's see how I'm going to do!!

 

The Royal Rumble

 

Well, at least my first two guys are talented, which means they're not long for this match.  Dolph Ziggler, who's one of the unannounced guys and Evan Bourne are the first two out.  They put on a nice show for a couple minutes until the third entrant comes in.  It's CM Punk.  He's accompanied by the super hot chick with the shaved head.  It doesn't take long for Punk to eliminate both of the other competitors.  He takes the microphone and starts preaching to the crowd.  JTG is next in.  He gets a few shots in before Punk tosses him and continues his straight edge sermon.  The next man out is The Great Khali, and he puts a beating on Punk.  The next man out is….a woman.  It's Beth Phoenix, who's my next person.  Fantastic.  She quickly asserts herself, but is deposited on the apron by Khali, who tells her to get to the kitchen to make him some Punjabi Pie.  Beth uses her feminine wiles and kisses Khali, pulling him out of the ring.  BETH PHOENX ELIMINATED THE GREAT KHALI!!!  HA HA HA!!  Seriously, that's going to be the moment of the night!  Unfortunately for Beth, she's quickly GTS'ed and flung by Punk.  Zack Ryder is out next and he's quickly tossed by Punk, too.  Woo woo woo!  I'm glad they're pumping up Punk like they should be doing.

 

Uh oh…Punk's time is pretty much over, as HHH is the next guy out.  Of course, Punk is tossed pretty quickly after that.  The match is relatively boring for a bit, as the filler guys come out one after another…McIntyre, DiBiase, Morrison, Kane, Rhodes, MVP, Carlito, The Miz, and Matt Hardy all enter...with the only real moment is that The Miz comes out and beats up MVP before he even gets in the ring.  This feud really doesn't need to continue…there are about twenty guys I'd rather see feud with The Miz…but whatever.

 

The next "high point" of the Rumble sees Shawn Michaels and John Cena enter back-to-back at 18 and 19.  Lots of action from this point out, with cool moments that include Carlito hitting the Back Stabber on pretty much everyone in the ring, R-Truth eliminating both Mark Henry AND Big Show, Chris Masters making the most of his win on WWE Superstars by lasting a whopping 29 seconds, and Edge making his return at number 29. 

Big story moments come when Shawn Michaels eliminates HHH, and then gets eliminated at 27 by Batista after STUPIDLY kicking an opponent back INTO the ring.  Nice move, ace.  After he's eliminated, Michaels acts like Mr. Bob Backlund and has a hissy fit because he was eliminated.

 

Another big story moment sees Edge toss his former partner before winning the whole damn thing by eliminating Cena.  He must've had kryptonite in his tights.  Funny thing is, Edge's performance in the Rumble was actually kinda' crappy.  After he won, I really didn't remember him doing anything more than eliminating Jericho.  At least an Edge-Jericho feud will be entertaining.

 

There had to be a dozen guys in this year's Royal Rumble that didn't last a minute…why even bother?

 

Winner:  Edge

 

Rating: 

 

The beginning of this year's Royal Rumble was actually really good.  Towards the end, things got pretty predictable, with the same old guys being in the ring.  As soon as Edge entered, predictability took over.  Since they've used the "guy comes back from an injury to win the whole thing" angle twice in three years now, I predict next year's ending will be the "guy comes in at number one or two and beats the odds to win" ending.  Quote me on that.

 

Well, overall, if I had watched that without my buddies, that PPV would've pretty much sucked.  Only one good traditional match and half a good Rumble match aren't exactly worth $40.  We're on the Road to Wrestlemania now…which might actually be interesting considering who won the Royal Rumble.  Will Edge go after the RAW champion, who most certainly will not be Whitey McNoTan?  Or will he go after The Undertaker?  Or, will Michaels cost Undertaker his title before Wrestlemania so the two of them will have to fight?  The possibilities are endless.

 

Before I scoot out of here, let me had out some awards that I typically hand out after I recap Superstars.

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  CM Punk's Royal Rumble performance was really good and did a great job of advancing his character.

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  It's about a five-way tie…Randy Orton, Sheamus, MVP, The Miz, and Ezekiel Jackson.  Christian doesn't make it because he seemed like he was trying…a little bit.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).