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WWE ROYAL RUMBLE 2009
(01/25/09)
By Anthony Dean
 
We start off with a clipshow of old Rumble winners. There's almost as much Triple H as there is Hogan and Austin, despite the latter two winning multiple Rumbles to Hunter's one. They then show a closeup of random participants in tonight's Rumble, ending on Randy Orton and seguing into Orton rocking McMahon's shit last Monday night. Subtle, WWE. Also, tonight's show is brought to us by CASTROL GTX, and I guess the mascot for tonight's Rumble is a red sports car with GTX written on the side, because this little animated car is driving all over the screen.

We head over to the announcers now for grave news. It is unknown what condition Vince is in, but Randy Orton WILL BE REPRIMANDED. Sometime. As for tonight, the show must go on, because clearly, a guy's position in the Royal Rumble supercedes any possible reason to be fired, including attempting to give his elderly boss a concussion.

Our first match is for the ECW Championship, because it has less prestige than the Women's Championship even. Matt Hardy's out first in a purple shirt with what looks like a jingle bell Christmas ornament on it. Jack Swagger is out next, looking like he doesn't know what else to do with himself besides raise his arms and smile like a dope. They go through the motions of doing the introductions in the ring, as if the diluted steel championship is worth more than the bumper on my car.

Matt Hardy vs ECW Champion Jack Swagger, Title Match

Huge Hardy chant as they grapple at the start, and Hardy backs dat ass up. Swagger goes for a cheap shot but Hardy blocks it and lays into Swagger, sending him scrambling from the ring. Striker calls Hardy's shots as "futuristic endeavors for Matt Hardy." If anybody is a candidate for an early release from their contract, it's the other mediocre doofus with no personality in this match. Back inside, Hardy remains in control, reversing all of Swagger's dumb shit, so Swagger ducks out again and teases walking out before returning to the ring up the steps. He takes Hardy down in the ring with a waistlock and overpowers him on the ground with an armwrench, keeping it locked it despite Matt getting to his feet multiple times. Matt elbows out and teases a Twist of Fate outta somewhere but Swagger drops to the ground and rolls into the corner, where Matt hits his brother's signature corner dropkick. Hardy goes up soon after, while Swagger was standing right in front of him, so JACK of course just dumps him to the ou tside. Matt gets up to a pop. How do you cheer that? Jesus.

Back in it's all Jackie with a whole bunch of SHOULDER THRUSTS. Back to the arm and the audience is still hot for Hardy, who escapes and starts throwing punches, visibly hurting himself after each one, leaving Swagger an opening to plant him with a boot. He continues to injure the arm and wrenches the shit out of it, slamming him repeatedly with the armlock in place. Hardy eventually makes his comeback, all the while with one arm limp by his side, and picks up several nearfalls. The flying elbow sets up the Twist of Fate but Swagger reverses with a big belly to belly suplex for two. They each go for a suplex until Swagger counters the counter into a DDT for two. Striker gives us a useless fact about the last person from North Carolina to win a major title in this state or, something. It was Super Dragon and he won the recently retired European Championship of Southeastern Peru (excluding all nonexistant southeastern Peruvian islands) from Vincente Faux way back in 2007. Anyway, Matt soon lands a picturesque M oonsault for a very close nearfall and the whole place is SHAWCKED with the kickout. Swagger then gets up and sends Hardy's injured shoulder into the ringpost, where Hardy stays for upwards of thirty seconds, before delivering an awesome gutwrench powerbomb for three.

Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Jack Swagger

Very good match, Jack Swagger is a good heel without cheating or doing overtly heelish things and wins just because he's better than you. Or at least Matt. I don't know YOU, so who the fuck am I to say whether you could beat Jack Swagger in a fake wrestling match. Anyway, there's a surprising lack of heels like that. The fact that he's ugly as shit doesn't hurt. You can't boo someone you want to fuck. That must be why Mike Knox just can't seem to get any heat with that sexy ass beard. Must be. Oh yeah, Matt exits slowly after being obliterated, and I think there were fucking tears in his eyes. You'd think with the Draft only several months away, he'd be glad he doesn't have that steel burden anchoring him down to ECW any longer.

IN THE PARKING LOT EARLIER Randy Orton arrives and everybody standing around looks at him like he's a piece of shit. He looks pretty funny, toting his rolling suitcase, looking hunched over and kind of ashamed, like a guy who just came back to his old town after serving five years for child rape or something. Exactly like that.

Melina is out now with big fluffy feathers that she waves around. She looks like Jasmine from Aladdin. Yep. She dances around the ring almost as good as Brian Kendrick. That little animated GTX Car drives all around the screen again. I have a feeling this is going to piss me off as the night progresses. Glamarella enters next with Santino toting Beth's Slammy Award. Beth Phoenix's hair is all fucked up and shit, sticking up like a Hoo's from The Grinch. I don't have the mental capacity to watch adult movies , so that's what's up with all these PG references. The car vrooms onto the screen for the nameplate before driving away with a tire screeching sound effect. Yep. Already getting irritated.

Melina vs Women's Champion Beth Phoenix, Title Match

Big Santino chant pours from the crowd as the women try to pretend to be important. A Melina armbar turns into Beth just lifting her up with one arm and throwing her. Awesome, awesome. An Umaga ass slam in the corner follows. GTX car delivers us the replay. Beth then works over Melina's leg in a weird single leg crab. She stretches her leg so far back that she starts beating Melina in the back of her head with her own foot. This is fucking incredible. The GLAMAZON delivers a few more giant slams and strengt h spots as Melina tries to get back with agile counters and pinning attempts, holding her own until she manages to finally roll Beth up for three, right in front of Santino. That was abrupt.

Winner and NEW Women's Champion : Melina

Beth looks like she's dryheaving in the ring, staring at her hands as Santino looks on sullen. He's gonna have a few more bruises to fumble over explanations for in the locker room tomorrow night.

That car comes back to show us the Michaels-JBL saga to eerily upbeat piano music. This culminates in a replay of Shawn Michaels justifying selling himself to JBL by supporting his family, juxtaposed with hot-button images to middle America, such as his wife pushing his kids on a swing while wearing a gold cross necklace. This is such a hilariously pandering angle. I'm just saying, wouldn't it be more believable if the down-on-his-luck wrestler were someone like, say, Jim Duggan? Or even better, some starvi ng development scum from FCW?

JBL approaches Michaels in the back, saying if he wins the title tonight, he will pay HBK all the money he owes him and he'll never have to work for him again. He also guarantees Michaels a spot in the Rumble if he wins, threatening viewers with a JBL-Michaels Wrestlemania Main Event. Michaels looks away, then turns around to face not JBL but The Undertaker, who says "Sometimes, it's hell getting into Heaven." Michaels then hurries off to catch up to JBL. Legitimate intrigue. That will probably never go any where.

The sound of the GTX car's engine which appeared to show us Lillian's nameplate makes it hard to hear, but JBL's entrance tells me this match is for the World Heavyweight Championship. Michaels is out in full Skinner attire, by the way. A sleeveless camo vest, cowboy boots, and faded blue jeans. Big "You suck" chants directed at Michaels' bad fashion. Cena is next out to a giant reaction cause he dresses in long shorts, jerseys, and baseball caps. Trade in your wicker cowboy hat, Michaels. It's never too la te to be a Kid.

JBL w/ Shawn Michaels vs World Heavyweight Champion John Cena, Title Match

Boston vs New York. Ground and Pound Style vs Knuckle Indents from Styles. Five Moves of Doom vs One Move and Lots of Rest Holds. I could go all night. It just wouldn't be any good and nobody would read it. Thus, the match. King tries to draw sympathy for Shawn, saying Michaels is virtually bankrupt and has lost everything. Oh, come on. What did he do, cash in all of his stocks when they were at their absolute lowest point and now is fucked as he realizes the Bilderberg Group will let it be all better in li ke two years tops anyway? Come on. I can't get hired at a fucking gas station because recently laid-off people who have been working assembly lines for thirty years are clogging up the application box, and I'm supposed to feel sorry for this guy making seven figures a year? And I wish he would quit dressing like he's hunting swamp rats for his family to eat. No pawn shop is going to pay for cheap bedazzled rhinestones, so I know he doesn't have to be out here in dirt-encrusted .

Anyway, JBL soon leaves the ring and whispers a game plan to Michaels before reentering. Cena looks rattled, and back inside JBL lays into him, clubbing the fake hood out of his West Newberry ass. CENA SOX. Cena proceeds to make his usual early-match comeback with a blockbuster for two, causing JBL to leave the ring, but Cena gives chase. However, he is distracted by Michaels' stony stance, I guess, and JBL knocks him on his ass before rolling him back in the ring for some more wood-sheddin' or, whatever. B ig Cena chant during one of JBL's signature (read : necessary) rest holds, as the Invisible One escapes only to run right into a Sidewalk Slam for a nearfall. Cena is knocked onto the apron and JBL hits him, sending the champ who is here flying all the way to the ramp. Michaels just stares. JBL goes out and hurls him into the steps before rolling him back in for two. Kickout and Michaels flinches, battling his internal demons, also know as the damaged orbital nerves that control his left eye. Battle on the turnbuckle is won by Cena and he misses his flying Fameasser, but JBL sells it like it hit so who the fuck am I to say? Michaels doesn't move during the cover and Bradshaw barely kicks out. Cena teases the STFU before slamming JBL's head into multiple corners and hitting the first three of his five moves. He skips the Protobomb, however, and so the FU doesn't work just right. JBL escapes, but gets locked into an STFU anyway, right in front of Michaels. Shawn tentatively rests his hand on the middle rope and Cena panics, letting go of the hold to kick away Michaels' hand. JBL then dumps Cena out as Michaels simply looks on.

Upon returning, Cena walks right into a Clothesline From Hell for a nearfall. JBL is in disbelief as Michaels continues to just stare. Cena recovers and goes for another FU but JBL escapes again, body checking the ref and sending him flying from the ring. THE REF IS OUT. Both men then double clothesline eachother and lie dead. Michaels continues to stare, then slowly climbs into the ring as both men lie prone. Cena stirs, then JBL. Michaels' eyes dart back and forth, but again, that could just be the nerves . Both men are shakily standing now as Michaels connects with the Sweet Chin Music...on JBL. Cena laughs and stands over him, but Michaels remains in the ring, narrowing his eyes at Cena's back. Cena then trots around arrogantly, smiling like a douche, before receiving some Sweet Steel Toe himself. Shawn drapes Bradshaw's arm over Cena's chest and takes his leave up the ramp, exiting the stage. The two men continue lying in that position as the crowd chants for Cena. Eventually another ref comes running dow n to count the pin, but Cena kicks out! Holy shit, what was the point of all that. Both are still out of it and groggily get up. JBL goes for a quick clothesline but Cena ducks it and scoops him up into the FU for the retention.

Winner and STILL World Heavyweight Champion : John Cena

That was, well, it was. Legends of Wrestlemania video game ad that's noticeably missing Randy Savage. It's even got Warrior and everything. That car ad streaks around the screen some more before ultimately revealing a Hardy-Edge video package, as Jeff's first title defense is up next. They go over all the mysterious attacks that have been plaguing Jeff, who can't even get his lines right on the pretaped fake police video where he was run off the road. The pyro explosion is fucking hilarious as well. The cam era continued to zoom in on the one horrified woman in the crowd who hasn't figured out that everytime something bad happens to Jeff Hardy, it's not real. Except all the drugs, and suspensions. And that time his house burned down.

Hardy enters first in all black save for his face, which is painted white and reminiscent of Sting, Charley Manson, or a crackhead juggalo, depending on which shitty wrestling promotion you're most familiar with. Vickie shrieks out an EXCUSE ME that blares over the music. She is out in heavily chemicaled hair, spandex, and cloggy high heels a la a Mexican Peggy Bundy. The only way to make Peggy Bundy even less attractive. She announces this match will be a NO DISQUALIFICATION MATCH before introducing "her h usband" Edge, who is out with Chavo. Fucking, Chavo. For Edge's sake, I hope those Christan return rumors are true, because if fucking Chavo Guerrero is his ace in the hole, he's in trouble.

Edge vs WWE Champion Jeff Hardy w/ A MYSTERIOUS SABOTEUR, Title Match

Hardy is all over Edge at the beginning, hitting a bunch of fast-paced low-impact moves. He chases Edge around ringside and grabs a chair before following Edge back into the ring. Chavo, of course, looks on uselessly. Edge jumps Jeff upon his return and takes control for a minute, but Hardy just took a hit before he came out the curtain and won't be feeling pain for another twenty minutes or so at least, so he brushes that shit off. Jeff lures Edge out of the ring, only to race back in and dropkick him thro ugh the ropes. He goes for a dive but Edge moves, so Jeff lands on the apron and flies at Edge with a clothesline anyway. A Chavo distraction gives Edge the advantage soon after and he goes by beating Hardy's head on every announce table. Back inside, Edge gets tired of waiting for Jeff to get up for the spear, so he just runs up and kicks him in the back before whipping and spearing him in the corner. Hardy charges soon after with a sunset flip for two, but Edge gets two of his own before...locking in a wa istlock. Oh, what the fuck. No. It's a fucking hardcore match. Go out and spend an unrealistic amount of time getting a chair or table or something to set up future awesome if you need a rest spot here, Jesus.

They're soon battling on the top until Jeff hurls Edge off and launches at him with a flying crossbody, but Edge dropkicks his ass right the fuck down for two. Wild-eyed and fishfaced, Edge goes out to get two chairs. Upon returning to the apron, however, Hardy sends Edge flying off with a spear. Hardy jumps over the ropes and connects on Edge before rolling him back in and following without grabbing a chair. WITHOUT GRABBING A CHAIR. It's a No Disqualification Necessary match. Or something. So yeah, Jeff o f course gets jumped on the apron and Edge follows out, looking to hit a move off the apron, but Hardy reverses it with a Twist of Fate on the apron, sending both of them falling to the outside. Hardy then sets up an announce table for a table spot, and thank God he grabs a ladder. Finally, something's happening. The only thing "hardcore" about this match so far has been the lack of a count out. Edge gets laid on the table and Hardy climbs the huge ass ladder, but Chavo is up for the save as Edge drags hims elf off the table. Chavo, however, gets thrown off and then jumped on from the ladder, before Hardy lies Chavito on the table and delivers a flailing splash from the top of the wobbly ladder that falls over before Hardy is even finished jumping. That must have been scary as shit, there's no way that went right.

Hardy appears to be okay and soon gets back in the ring to hit Edge with a crossbody from the turnbuckle for two. Edge recovers quickly enough and puts Hardy down with a boot before removing the top turnbuckle pad. His attack backfires as Hardy hits a Whisper in the Wind from that corner for two, but he misses the Twist of Fate and Edge nails a DDT for a nearfall. Edge drags Jeff over near a corner and goes for a double axe handle I guess on the downed Jeff, but he gets caught by a raised leg for the comeba ck. Jeff hits a few signature spots and goes for the giant corner kick, but Edge lifts him up and slams him into the exposed turnbuckle. Hardy collapses dead and Edge pins for yet another nearfall. Spear setup but Hardy catches him with a Twist of Fate at the moment of impact and Jeff climbs the turnbuckle. Vickie is out to distract but she gets shooed away and Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb on Edge. Vickie then drags out the referee to break up the pin but Matt Hardy is out and rolls Vickie in the ring. He se ts her in a corner and hands Jeff a chair before grabbing one himself. Vickie shrieks and cries uselessly from her spot in the corner as both Hardys raise their chairs on the lifeless Edge. Matt then SWERVES the chair and nails Jeff in the head with it to knock his ass the fuck out. The crowd is so shocked they can't even boo, it's just white noise. Edge then gets up, looking equally amazed, but quickly covers for the win.

Winner and NEW WWE Champion : Edge

Matt takes his leave up the ramp and the crowd still isn't booing. Matt's THAT boring. The announcers finally speak and JR sounds like he's about to cry. Tazz is literally speechless and flounders with words. "Wuh-wuh I welluuuhh, ayemeanuh." GTX Car gives us a series of replays of Matt's chairshot and closeups on Jeff trying to get up with the aid of a horde of referees. More replays, and I guess it was a pretty great chairshot. I'll be honest, I was expecting Christian to come out the entire time, even af ter Matt came out. I hope they at least go all out with this thing. No more gay ONE NIGHT ONLY Hardy Boyz reunion every other month next year. Jeff eventually makes his exit with the aid of nameless chumps.

No Way Out promo. They tell us both Championships will be defended in double Elimination Chambers. We get another Castrol GTX namedrop and car animation before we head TO THE BACK for a Randy Orton interview. Tard says he heard the McMahons are seeking legal action. Orton says as far as he knows he's still in the Rumble so he doesn't give a shit. Jericho then shows up and shoves off Grisham before saying he doesn't blame Orton at all. He calls Vince a lot of big mean words and Orton asks what Chris is looking for. Jericho says he's saying this because he tells it like it is and says that, win or lose, he believes tonight is Orton's last night as a WWE employee. If that's true, and the situation is so serious, then why would they wait a week to fire him? So they can televise it on cable Monday night? A SOLEMN SITUATION.

We get a bunch of Rumble number statistics. Warlord only lasted two seconds. That's Batista's favorite wrestler. Let's hope he tries to emulate his hero here tonight. And yes, I did learn that from reading Batista's book. And yes, I do know that Batista is currently out with an injury. I don't give a shit about either. Rumble time.

30 MAN ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH


Oh my God the Castrol GTX car is even on the wall behind the opening where the wrestlers come out. I just noticed this, probably because Rey Mysterio's entering first and I can easily see around him. He won the 2006 Rumble entering second, but I mean, that's pretty much the exact same thing as entering first, isn't it? Poor guy, will never get his credit in those Rumble statistics that no one pays attention to. John Morrison is number two. Hell yes. He's the Lizard King. He can win anything. So long as Trip le H isn't in the match, it seems. Well, maybe next year, grand sir. Oh, shit - the bell just rung, and I forgot to get snacks. I'm gonna be hungry for like an hour. You're getting severe blow by blows for this sacrifice, and no, it doesn't matter that we'd both be happier if I just went and got food and left a few unnecessary details out. LET'S GET TO IT!

Mysterio and Morrison tease elimination spots, and Mysterio almost eliminates Morrison several times by dropkicking him while he grasped the top rope as his body went flying way out over the floor, but he managed to cling on. Fun spot. Carlito enters next and takes everyone out before hitting a great springboard moonsault on a standing Morrison. Carlito and Morrison continue looking for control of the match until MVP enters, running down to a HUGE MVP chant. He takes out everyone and looks for the Ballin el bow drop, not even fazed by a Rey Rey attack as he simply gave him a belly to belly suplex before completing hitting the elbow. Great spotfest here, with MVP dominating. Crowd is way into everything, even when The Great Khali enters next. Everyone in the ring stops dead and hilariously look on horrified. Khali makes it past the initial swarm and gets into the ring, dishing out brainshops to everyone before moving on to effortless chokeslams. He cheers to a big ovation as Carlito seizes the opportunity to se ek a Backstabber, but he physically can't complete the move and Khali just turns and chokebombs. Vladimir Kozlov is next and everyone is down except Khali, who Kozlov charges eagerly. He immediatley eliminates Khali as everybody then takes turn attacking the new threat. MVP is the only one who fazes Kozlov, but he misses a Drive By and Kozlov dumps him to the audience's noticeable displeasure. Carlito is next to fare poorly against Kozlov before being eliminated. Mysterio takes his turn as Morrison continue s to presumably play dead in the corner.

Number 8 is Triple H, who receives a huge pop, and Vlad the Failure is ready for him. Trips pauses before entering, and the crowd is almost silent during the staredown until they start trading punches, which causes them to explode. Kozlov accidentally headbutts the turnbuckle and Triple H gives Vlad a crotch chop before eliminating THE MOSCOW MAULER. Orton is out next. He and Triple H go at it right away as the other two men in the ring, Morrison and Mysterio, slowly fake-push eachother against the ropes in the background. Orton overtakes Hunter but misses an RKO. Pedigree attempt is blocked by a springboard enziguri from Mr Nohjo Rison but Mysterio tops everyone with lucha shit. Both members of Cryme Tyme come out next, and they flip a coin on the ramp to decide who goes. JTG wins it and enters the ring, and Shad sees that it was a double sided coin. But they're homies. JTG is able to take on everyone else because they are all worn down and borderline dead. Ted Dibiase, Jr. is next and he does what JTG just did, punching everyone and making lots of enemies, but noticeably avoiding hitting Orton. Morrison and JTG are both hanging out of the ring next to eachother, kicking eachother, and both manage to make it back in. Mysterio and Dibiase also tease a double elimination and everyone survives until Chris Jericho enters. I know he's blond and everything, but he reminds me of like a husky Hitler. Who wrestles.

He's a nonfactor as the slow-pushing and brawling continues on to the next entrance, that of MIKE KNOX. Silence greets him and he goes right for Mysterio. They say Knox is psychotic because he doesn't know why he does what he does, but if he knows he doesn't know why he does what he does, then doesn't that sort of cancel out his psychosis? PSICOSIS. He will return to aid Mysterio in his war against the beard. They're both Mexican and everything. I just cracked this thing wide open, only not at all. AT ALL. Orton and Dibiase intimidate and doubleteam JTG, because he's black, probably. Number 13 is THE MIZ! In what new and innovative way will John Morrison come up with to show up his partner tonight? MNMT hit a double gutbuster on Orton but Dibiase stops that shit and Orton delivers an RKO on both of the Tag Champs, and JTG too, because he's black. We covered this. Triple H then realizes he hasn't been in the spotlight in several moments and so he proceeds to Pedigree Orton and then eliminates both Miz and Morr ison with one shot. Finlay in next as Mysterio is thrown out but he uses Miz and Morrison's bodies as stepping stones to get back into the ring and is safe from elimination.

Orton is extremely close to being eliminated by Finlay until Mike Knox saves his ass for no reason whatsoever. They should do a thing with Mike Knox where his beard is a separate entity, the brains of the operation in control of a big hulking but empty husk of a body, but it turns out the beard's actually pretty stupid, so it never really succeeds at anything. It'll be like Krang and that mobster guy from Batman : The Animated Series who was controlled by his Al Capone puppet all rolled into one horribly do omed and potential-less evil villain. Who wrestles. So yeah, Orton saves Dibiase from Finlay's rage and Cody Rhodes is out next. All three members of the Legacy are in the ring, and Orton, Dibiase, and Rhodes all beat down THE GAME. They then move on to FINLAY, allowing Triple H to suffer and maybe eliminate himself and not at all recover and allow him to later seek his revenge. Not at all. Stunning RKO on a flying Mysterio and Undertaker is out now. He moves at a normal, brisk pace to the ring, thus provin g that every other night of the year, he's just being a huge, gaping asshole. Everyone is ready for Taker, and everybody gets knocked the fuck down by him. JTG is quickly eliminated, and Taker moves on to killing the Legacy. Goldust is next, presumably to be another quick elimination victim. Cody Rhodes greets Goldust as Ross announces they're brothers, and Goldust interrupts the staredown with an uppercut. Goldust repeatedly tries to dump Cody but eventually Randy RKO's his ass and gives Cody a peptalk. Co dy then eliminates his brother and Orton shakes his hand. BLOOD IS THICKER THAN, um, gold? Man I don't know.

CM Punk makes his appearance, looking strong and blocking a Pedigree with a swift GTS on Trips. He then moves on to Undertaker, because CM Punk is a fool. ERSTWHILE, Y2J survives The Legacy's latest attack. Mark Henry enters next and knocks down all of The Legacy and The Undertaker. Suddenly, headbutts everywhere. One of the World's Strongest Slams on Triple H just as US Champ Shelton Benjamin enters at number 20. He goes after as many faces as he can. Jericho and Punk battle on the very top rope as Benji s izes them up. He leaps up and hits Double Paydirt on both of them for the typical Shelton Benjamin athletic but ultimately unimportant spot of the night. William Regal is the next entrant and lays into Punk for daring to take the first worthwhile title he's had in years while CM Punk spent his year becoming the fastest Triple Crown Champion ever. Oh, and apparently Mysterio eliminated Mark Henry some time ago, and the announcers finally noticed it. The Legacy have Triple H upside down on the ropes, but he s urvives becuase he's Triple H, goddamnit. Kofi Kingston is number 22 and he is flying all over the ring and holy shit Mike Knox is still in the match. And so is pretty much everybody else. Is Big Show going to eliminate like fifteen people or, what is going on? Taker hurls Benjamin just as Kane's fire explodes.

Taker is bleeding from something as he and Kane staredown. They then decide to hoist up Dibiase, Jr. for a double chokeslam before moving on to more important people. Elsewhere, Punk eliminates Regal just as R Truth makes his entrance, and it's a good thing too, because with him being from Blackpool, and R Truth being from the ghetto, something. I forgot what I had here, but I swear to God it wasn't a Pool's Closed joke. Jesus fuck I hate recapping the Rumble. Anyway, big pop for Truth who is plaguing the r ing with The Kof Kingston Effect. Out next is ROB VAN DAM! Surprised the hell out of me. The crowd explodes and I'm pretty sure JR has shit his pants. RVD is all over the place and Mysterio graciously sets R Truth up for a frogsplash for him. THE Brian Kendrick enters next and he sends Kofi out upon his entrance. Triple H then promptly eliminates Kendrick, because he hasn't completely obliterated him in a while. R-V-D chant remains prevalent after some minutes as he battles Punk. The Legacy has taken to kic king the shit out of Undertaker. Dolph Ziggler is out next. I thought it was Mr. Kennedy. Just indescribable disappointment. Kane stares him down and Dolph introduces himself. Kane takes his extended hand and throws him from the ring. The number twenty-eighth entrant is Santino Marella and he is clotheslined from the ring by Kane in about half a second. Legacy is trying to eliminate RVD by giving him a wishbone split while trying to pry him from his hold on the turnbuckle, despite him holding the world weig htlifting record for lifting weights while doing that exact split, a technique that HE INVENTED. Way to go guys.

Number twenty-nine is HACKSAW, the winner of the 1988 Rumble. He fares annoyingly well, taking down both Kane and Undertaker, along with almost everyone else, with nothing but punches. Everyone in the crowd HOOOO's along with him because people are awful. Number thirty is The Big Show. Everyone pauses to greet Show, who enters smiling. Everyone backs off as he enters over the ropes, letting Undertaker step up to face him alone, but Kane sideswipes Big Show with punches during the staredown until Show lays h im out with his cast-iron fists. Show then thankfully eliminates Jim Duggan. He follows up by military pressing R Truth from the ring, throwing him waaay outside. Punk wears Show out with some kicks as Show repeatedly tries to throw him out until a KO punch on the apron finally ends it for Punk. Rey Mysterio and Mike Knox are simultaneously eliminated next, presumably by Big Show. Hornswoggle then enters the ring for no reason and Kane hilariously looks inexplicably enraged. He grabs Horny, attracting Finla y's attention. Kane then quickly eliminates Finlay and Hornswoggle goes back to being horrible under the ring. That was painfully without a point. Jericho executes a Codebreaker on Kane while Van Dam, Big Show's perennial opponent during his ECW title reign, kicks the shit out of Show just as Orton DDTed Hunter from the second rope. Show and Taker are soon left as the only men standing and they exchange punches. I guess this is supposed to be suspenseful? As if either of these fucking guys is winning it, an d as if I want to see another fucking match featuring Big Show and Undertaker. While the wrestlers were boxing, Van Dam comes flying offscreen onto somebody before being thrown out by Jericho. He laughs, but feels Taker's presence behind him and the Brothers of Destruction doubleteam Jericho before Taker eliminates him. Immediately after, The Legacy eliminates Kane just as Taker was rushing to his aid.

Final six as Taker, Show, and Trips stare down The Legacy until Show takes it to Trips, allowing Orton and Priceless to work over Undertaker. Taker soon makes his comeback here, giving all Legacy members chokeslams as Show and Taker face off yet again. The straps go down as the two initiate a boxing match. Taker eventually wins by booting Show over the top rope, but Show somehow grabs the top rope to hang on. I thought that shit was going to snap. Orton tries to RKO Taker but that's reversed, but Show drags Taker out to the apron. They both tease chokeslams until Orton RKOs Big Show from the ring, eliminating him, but dragging Taker down along with him. It's finally down to Triple H vs The Legacy - Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase Jr, and Randy Orton. Triple H is surrounded and all three slowly close in. A crotch chop initiates the beatdown and Orton holds Trips for Priceless to land shots. Orton awesomely orders Priceless around the ring as JR is absolutely disgusted despite Orton learning everything he's doing here from Triple H back in Evolution and in fact had it done to him by fucking Triple H. Orton lifts Trips up for an RKO, but it's reversed. Dibiase goes to check on Orton, allowing Triple H to easily eliminate Priceless in quick succession. Orton then charges Hunter from behind almost before Cody hit the floor to send Triple H flying from the ring. Randy Orton is the 2009 Royal Rumble winner.

WINNER : RANDY ORTON

Post-match, Orton calls Priceless back into the ring, allowing them to bask in his glory and the glow from his several thick coats of spray tan. Randy then has a staredown with the Wrestlemania sign before pointing at it. The ref is shouting some angry shit at Orton because he's an asshole, but Orton blows him off and fireworks erupt from the Wrestlemania sign as Orton poses on the turnbuckle pointing at it. Pretty neat. Kind of extremely expected it, but there's really no one else that could have won it. A nd don't say Christian, you fags.

SO. Let's recap the recap. Edge is the "new" WWE Champion, again. Matt Hardy has been secretly attacking Jeff Hardy for months and now they'll be feuding, again. John Cena won again. And Randy Orton is not only still employed but the 2009 Royal Rumble winner despite brutally assaulting his boss not a week ago. Rob Van Dam made a return, and Christian did not. All in all, not an excellent show, but every match had something special to it, and the Rumble match itself, despite having an obvious winner, was sti ll a lot of fun as it always is. You can't fuck it up, and this year they really mixed up the formula. Can't help but give this a thumbs up. Unless you're Chris Benoit. Then you can help it because you're dead. Every recap needs one, we're all contractually obligated. END SHOW.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).