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Sean Carless
Hey there, Fuckies, I'm Sean Carless, and welcome to the Royal Rumble! Only unlike *real-life* Rumbles, dudes don't wait around until you chronologically enter the brawl with pre-cued music; and shank you instead of awkwardly hanging onto your leg as you balance on the top rope making sure you don't accidentally fall out.  I wish I knew this pertinent information before I entered into gang wars. One minute I'm counting down the clock, and the next I'm pulling a switch out of my ribcage. WWE is to blame for never clearing these discrepancies up. Obviously.
Anyway, normally, your Master of Ceremonies would be one James Walker, but unfortunately, his computer upped and died after being riddled with more viruses than the lovemaker of one Irving Magic Johnson. So, here I am to save the day; and by "save the day" I really mean write a quick, un-detailed recap because I had no time to prepare and took no notes. Other than that, though, it should be...umm, terrible? Maybe.
Let's get to the show!
Your hosts tonight are the usual suspects, JR & King, Cole & JBL, and Tazz & Styles. Sadly, Hugo & Carlos are NOWHERE to be seen. No worries though, I've heard from reliable sources that Vince still sent someone to their house to dive through their furniture, just to keep the status quo.
Opening Match:
MN w/M vs. Matt & Jeff Hardy
Reputedly, this is apparently the *last ever* meeting between these two teams, which will at least give Joey Mercury much more time to return to the Paris catacombs and haunt an Opera house. Great little match here, but that is to be expected when you're talking about these four men. I really wanted to make joke about MNM's fur-coats, and how any animal that has an electronic moving marquee built into its hide has to be an endangered species, and thus they should be ashamed of themselves, but sadly, they didn't wear those particular coats. Even sadder is I still decided to make that joke anyway.
Anyway, lots of tandem offense from the Hardys, who look to finish Nitro with the stereo splash/legdrop dealiabob, but Nitro gets his knees up and Jeff crashes and burns. And yes, that's "crashing and burning" for the record, and not burning one then crashing for 3 days straight as was once the norm. I just thought I'd clear that up for you. 
Soon after, though, Matt hits a top rope leg drop and ALL HECK (where you go when you don't believe in Gosh) HAS BROKEN LOOSE! MNM soon regains the advantage and looks to finish Matt with the Snap Shot but Jeff makes the save. The Hardy's then hit POETRY IN MOTION on Joey! I always get the impression that the Hardy's must be banned from late night readings at coffee houses on the account that Jeff always launches himself off Matt's back into a throng of guys in black turtlenecks, as coffee cups the size of half barrels go flying everywhere. I may have thought too hard about this.
Anyway, with one Poetry in Motion down, they try it next on Nitro, but it misses. You know, I always wanted to see Terkay pull off that move just so I could have used the line "Poultry in Motion", but fucking  Manbearpig had to screw that all up by getting fired, and ruined a joke that'd only be funny once then never again. Oh well.  Anyway, from there, Nitro gets a quick Oklahoma roll on Matt, or Roll as it's known in Tulsa, but he kicks out.  Matt then hits the Twist of Fate on Nitro, but Joey and he spill to the outside, but as he careens through the ropes, Jeff makes a hot tag, hot enough to presumably light a crack pipe,  and he goes up, and hits the Swanton bomb to pick up the win!
Winners: The Hardy Boys. I'd suggest maybe dropping the 'Boys' part from your names now that you're in your thirties, but Ric Flair kind of shattered that stereotype. Besides, The Hardy Men kind of sounds like a gay porno feature, so no harm, no foul.
-Wrestlemania 23 vignette airs. It shows WWE superstars as children. Included within are Cena, Undertaker(!) Batista (whose child form ironically enough is what he'd look like cycled down), King Booker & even HBK, who's seen on his knees praying. All in all, I found the whole thing creepy. I mean, images of children in states of undress and on their knees?  The only place I'd expect to find this is on Rob Feinstein's computer in his 'My Documents' file. OK, I just wanted to make that joke. Whatever. (and I am joking. I love the law and obeying it! Slander?LOL! I thought you said Satire!)
-Backstage, we have RAW & SmackDown representatives Coach and Teddy Long, along with *Official* ball handler Kelly Kelly, whose last experience under this job description probably got her hired in the first place.
Edge comes in to draw his number, and makes fun of Kelly's double name, but Kelly retorts with "At least my name's not Edge", as U2 fans around the world get pissed off at what she's implying. Poor Kelly. She makes fucking Brick Tamland look like Stephen Hawking. I'd still accept an invitation to her Pants Party , though.
Orton then comes in, and argues with Edge. They both vow to win the Rumble tonight, then draw their numbers. Edge then wants a look at Orton's number, and decrees "I'll show you mine if you show me yours". The two then break into an innocent game of doctor, gently kiss and young love blooms. Ok, it didn't. King Booker comes in and says "tell me you didn't just say that". I like my version better.
(C) Lashley vs. Test: HOSS vs. HORSE. ECW World Title match.
Joey Styles starts things off by putting over Test as an "Impact Player", and "God's gift to ECW".  Man, what did we ever do to God to deserve this? I'll take the locusts and the death of my first born again over that. ARE YOU NOT MERCIFUL.
Anyway, in this match's defense, there was at least some psychology, as Test worked over Choc Lesnar's [EXTREME] shoulder so he couldn't pull off the usual [EXTREME]  power moves, including a [EXTREME]  press-slam that Lashley botches, and Test follows through with the Aboot for a real close 2 count. It's at that point that I become mesmerized with Test's back, and wonder if he's secretly a Mogwai and if someone made the mistake of pouring water on him. The worst part of this scenario? It means he'll soon multiply and we'll have about 12 Test's to worry about, none of which can work. Hopefully no one makes the final mistake of feeding him after 12 am tonight, or clearly ECW will be finished.
Anyway, Lashley eventually gets the momentum back after floating out of an [EXTREME] TKO attempt by Test, and [EXTREME]  clotheslines Test out and over. Test then just takes a [EXTREME]  walk and gets [EXTREME] counted out? EC-DUB! EC-DUB! EC-DUB!
Winner by EXTREME count out: Bobby Lashley. Hey, good thing he cleanly pinned Test last Tuesday night for free or I'd feel really ripped off right now! Oh wait.
Lashley, angry that Test is a coward, but probably mostly because he has a speaking voice that doesn't sound like Mike Tyson after inhaling an entire canister of helium, drags Test back inside and crushes him with the British (Blackish?) Bulldog powerslam. THIS WAS EXTREME.
- John Cena is being checked on by a doctor who tells him he shouldn't wrestle. SEE, EVEN MEDICAL PRACTITIONERS ARE SAYING IT. Oh, they mean on the account that he's injured. My Bad.
Vince McMahon then comes in, wearing a jacket that he may have rolled off the corpse of fucking Howard Cosell, and tells John Cena he doesn't think he will leave as WWE champion tonight, and that Cena can't see him. If only we could say the same. Of course good luck disappearing in that fucking jacket. Even Two Face and The Riddler would be saying "Jesus Christ, tone it down a bit there, man".
(C) Batista vs. Mr. Kennedy w/ Kennedy: World Heavyweight Title Match.
Mr. Kennedy needs to be commended here for carrying Batista to a fairly decent match. And I'm serious. It wasn't too long ago Dave could be counted on to pull his weight, but somewhere in the confusion, that Dave left with Jerry O'Connell to slide through different parallel dimensions, and shitty mirror world Dave is who we're left with. Anyway, the story here was Kennedy working over The Animal's legs. Which is scary, because if successful, that's usually a prerequisite for putting some animals down. It's a good thing Batista's species of animal has yet to be identified or he could be in HUGE trouble. I can just picture Vince coming into his locker-room with a shotgun and a tear in his eye.
One cool move was a reverse figure four leglock by Kennedy, reputedly invented by Vince Russo, but Dave got the break. Batista then hits the spinebuster, or spinebruiser, because every vertebrae in Ken's back did not explode from his torso Mortal Kombat Fatality-style. Unfortunately, this hurts Batista's own knee. Mr. Kennedy then sends Batista into the ref, hits a neckbreaker on him and has him covered, but there's no referee. Man, you'd think after 30 years of everyone running into Referees during key points of matches, that someone would build them a little cage to referee in like those things you see inside seedy bars that bands play inside of.
It's at this point the crowd has turned on The Animal, obviously hoping he'll go into hibernation, or better yet, get sent to that "farm" your parents tell you your dog went when he was really old. (Fun Fact: He's dead!). Kennedy goes over and wakes up the referee, but by this point,  Big Dave is recovered, clotheslines the peroxide off Ken's head, then Batista bomb's him to retain the title. HE WALKED A MILE THROUGH A PIT OF DANGER. Normally, he'd just jog through it, but last time he did that, he was on the shelf for 8 months...
Winner & still champion: Batista, who will now go on to Wrestlemania, where he'll no doubt not understand why the crowd boos him over Undertaker, and doesn't revel in his comebacks. In fact, he'll be sick of all those people talkin' out their heads. He'll never understand a damn thing that they said. From words to actions never knowing what they're about. I guess he'll have to chew them up and spit them out. HE'LL WALK ALONE. HUH! Batista's theme has all bases covered. What can I say? Huh, again? Ok, then. HUH!
-Backstage, Kevin The Vampire and Areola, I mean, Ariel, draw their numbers. Kevin seems pleased with his number but not as pleased as he must be with those huge implants Ariel has. And the best part? There was probably like zero recovery time needed for her. Since she's a vampire, the doctor made an incision, stuffed the bag in there, and the cut just closed right over by itself. It's times like this being Nosferatu really comes in real handy.
After they leave the scene, Little Bastard enters, no doubt being watched at home on TV by his brothers Stupid little shit, and Dumb Motherfucker. He goes to draw Finlay's number, but Coach *hilariously* mentions that he hopes he doesn't DRAW A SMALL NUMBER. Which I'll assume is a jab at the man's pituitary gland issues. Have you no respect, Coach? No dignity? No class? You cunt. Anyway, Little Bastard, then pulls a Mike Tyson (no, he doesn't date rape The Coach, despite his pleas of "no", but damn it, that'd be great) and bites Coach's ear. He then runs into The Great Khali and takes off. Khali grabs three balls from the tumbler, but Coach and Long inform him that he's only allowed one. Khali then informs them it's OK because he just accidentally killed both of the people who'd have normally gotten the numbers. OK, he didn't say that. Not that anyone would understand anyway. The fucking Dead Sea Scrolls were easier to decipher than one of this guy's promos. Khali then drops two balls on the floor, which Kelly Kelly picks up and says "WOW. THESE ARE THE BIGGEST BALLS I'VE EVER HELD BEFORE." You see, it's funny, because it's subtly implying she's held large testicles in her hand. Which we know is a lie. She is dating Test in real life, after all...
Oh, Ron Simmons then appears and earns his paycheck.  DAMN.
-Video package for WWE Title match. Yon Ceeena. Joo are yoing to loose jor WWE Title-- So sayeth Armando sans Alejandro Estrada.
(C) John Cena vs. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUMAGGGGGA w/ Armando Estrada: WWE Title Match. Last Man Standing.
I've always wondered where one might go for a custom grill when they're from the fucking Jungle. Then I thought, since he's a Bulldozer and all, Umaga obviously mowed down some trees with his ass, and cleared way for a whole new block of commerce in Samoa. God bless this man for bringing culture to a savage land. He just needs to learn English now. Although, that's never stopped most of the other people who usually wear grills before... 
Anyway, for those of us who can't grasp the concept of HAVING THE LAST MAN STANDING, Lillian goes over the rules. She then teaches us how to tie our shoes, and then how to properly wipe our asses. Because if she didn't, how would we ever figure it out? Thank for the heads-up, Lil.
That said, this was a GREAT fucking match. These two guys have fantastic chemistry in the ring together, and as much as I bust Cena's balls with jokes, he always steps up in the big matches.  Anyway, Umaga proceeds to just beat the shit out of Cena, but The Champ is resilient.  There are no odds he can't overcome. Except if those odds are him winning. He can't overcome those Odds and lose. Or something.
From there, Cena tried his best to keep the big man down for a ten count, battering him with stairs (which were brought into the ring),  then giving him the protobomb on said stairs, but to no avail. Umaga eventually regains the momentum, after Cena goes for an FU on the stairs, but his legs give out and Umaga lands on him, driving him head first into the stairs which busts our favorite fake-Marine open. SOLDIER DOWN! Umaga then hits a Samoan Drop, but Cena is up. Umaga goes for the Samoan Spike, but Cena blocks, and soon thereafter hits the West Newbury Jam (my favorite breakfast spread) leg drop on Umaga as he was bent over. Umaga still gets up. He then knocks down Armando, and smashes a TV monitor into Umaga's head. This however, is still not enough to put away Umaga. Because, you see, Samoans can not be harmed in the head area. It's been like 35 years, you'd think white wrestlers would figure it out. Hey, why not just catch a chair RVD throws at you, next? What's the worst that could happen? Cena then tries to jump off the apron onto Umaga, but he's caught and smashed into the post. STAY AT YOUR POST, SOLDIER. Umaga then puts Cena on the announce table, climbs up on the furthest one (all 3 are in a row) and runs from table to table, leaping off the 2nd for the Superfly (for a white guy) splash, but said white guy, Cena, moves, and Umaga crashes and burns. However, he still gets up. Back in the ring. Armando removes the turnbuckle hinge entirely, and once Umaga regains his bearings, demands he use the metal part as a surrogate spike on Cena. Cena however ducks, and hits a big FU. He then clobbers Umaga with the turnbuckle hinge, and puts him in the STFU with the loose ring ropes, strangling the life out of Umaga. Umaga, however, starts stirring, so Cena reapplies the hold, and this time, Umaga stays down for the ten count.
Winner & still Champion: John Cena, yo. Awesome match. Two big taped thumbs of death up here.
-Backstage, Teddy Long & Coachman argue over which brand will win the Rumble. Sadly, ECW has no voice to speak up for it. Gee WWE, if you're not careful, ECW might start coming off as a completely third-rate brand or something!... *ahem*.
Sandman then comes in and picks his number. I'd have thought it was funny if he drew number 2, but  since he's intoxicated, saw it as 22, and entered then and won the match. Oh well. Flair comes in next and draws his number and Kelly Kelly flirts with him. Just then Layla and the other broad from ECW appear, and the lights go out, and the three start dancing with Ric Flair. And you know, when Flair is the sexiest dancer involved, it's maybe time to take up a new career. Maybe Kamikaze piloting. I hear the benefits are great.
-Rumble package airs. Holy shit. There's Lex Luger in the montage! We need to get this guy back in WWE, stat. Between him and Orton, they can have a contest to see who drives the most Divas away, be it with sexual harassment, or not having a pulse. There are no losers here.
...THE MOST STAR STUDDED EVER, according to the commentators, which is true if you discount the fact it's not.  For the record, your Rumble commentary team for this match is Lawler, JBL & Michael Cole. Wait. Michael Cole? Who the fuck did JR piss off? I mean, we know that Vince probably stepped on a lever after the Test/Lashley match that opened a chute that Tazz & Styles were sucked down before flying out into the parking lot with their luggage in tow, but Jim Ross? Man. I'd understand if maybe there was some sort of steel inanimate object out there Cole could compare to some ravenous animal, but there's not. What gives? However, regardless, one  question remains: With the floor finally his, will tonight be the night Cole finally buckles and says the fucking word "head"? Come on, Michael, use your skull!
Lillian goes over the rules. Yup. Dudes still get thrown over the top rope. Why bother even explaining the rules anymore?They need to cut through the bullshit and hire Blaccu- forecast weatherman Ollie from Family Guy to do their Rumble announcing: "Motherfuckers go over the ropes!" That's who'd I'd have do it....
Ric Flair comes in at #1. # 2 is Finlay. Wow. Man, with Flair's drinking history, is going an hour with an Irishman really the best idea? # 3 is  Kenny "The Dyke" Dykstra, but will he go down? What's the spread on him winning this thing? And can I make more not-so-subtle lesbian jokes at his surname's expense? You betcha. #4, is Matt Hardy. He can slap a Tornado, and feud with a Hurricane for 8 months straight. #5 is Edge who comes in and spears Flair WITH THE FLYING HUG. One for Dykstra as well. He misses Matt, who then hits the twist of fate. I think this is the reason why Edge can't seem to hold onto a woman. Every time she asks for a hug, he lunges and crushes her.  What can he do? It's just instinct. You'd think she'd know him. She knows what he allows her to know.
Flair goes out from there and gets some chairs, but before he can presumably conchairto Edge, he's tossed out. Dykstra then mocks the Flair strut and he gets tossed out by Edge.  Yay! More Flair vs. Dykstra! The only two men in the company, besides HHH, who can vacuum their carpets just by clearing their sinuses.
#6 is Tommy Dreamer. #7 is Sabu, and luckily for him the Rumble buzzer is loud and probably acted as an alarm clock, so he could wake up in time to actually make his cue. Sabu, then immediately goes and sets up a table. THIS CANNOT END WELL. Jesus, Sabu. Why not just wheel a fucking giant birthday cake out here while you're at it. Let's make this thing more predictable. #8 is Gregory Helms, which I know because it's yelled out it at the beginning of his song. "GENERIC MIDCARDER!" was originally suggested, but they went with the name roll-call instead. Good choice. #9 is Shelton Benjamin. THERE AIN'T NO STOPPING HIM NOW. Later? Most definitely. #10 is Kane, and he enters as a house of fire...that he lit...and killed his parents in! Oh wait. That was Undertaker. I'm losing track of my ridiculous fake wrestling continuity here.
Kane tosses Dreamer out. Sabu follows suit by being chokeslammed through the very table he set up at ringside. Who'd have thunk it? #11 is CM Punk. Finlay immediately goes after him in maybe the most ironic spot of the night. (If Arn wasn't passed out somewhere, I'm sure he'd be high fiving (fouring?) everyone around him). #12 is King Booker. He tosses Gregory Helms. Poor Gregory. At least he's still "the longest reigning champion in Sports entertainment because Vince forgot there even was a cruiserweight title". Or something.  # 13 is Super Crazy, the man who recently scored an impressive win over Super Shitty (Chris Masters). #14 is Jeff Hardy, and sadly there's no time to swat the swarm of invisible bees from himself during his intro because he's all business. #15 is Sandman, whose intro hilariously lasts longer then he did. (he's almost immediately tossed by Booker after getting a few cane shots off.). ENTER SANDMAN. EXIT SANDMAN.
#16 is Randy Orton.  The Human Chinlock Machine immediately joins up with Edge and they toss Super Crazy out and over. It's just then I laugh to myself picturing INS agents following Rated RKO's example, and throwing Crazy over a fence back into Mexico. I then notice I'm by myself and stop, because it looks insane, or dare I say super crazy. Hardys then go out in succession to Rated RKO. #17 is Chris Benoit, The Rabid Wolverine. Normally, when rabid animals attack you, you have to be euthanized, but the really cool ones give you multiple Germans (Not this). #18 is RVD and his educated feet! I for one can't wait for the inevitable feud with Snitsky in ECW over those very feet. It'll be awesome, and completely fucking terrifying. Kane eliminates Booker. Booker then re-enters and eliminates Kane. HEY, I BET THEY WRESTLE AT NO WAY OUT...of paying 40 dollars for a PPV six weeks before Wrestlemania. #19 is Viscera, the world's largest love machine! Well, until I finish building mine. Once I get that motor in there the Robo-Vag 5000 will be fully operational.
#20 is Johnny Nitro. #21 is Kevin Thorn.  Fellow bloodsucker Ariel, is sadly nowhere to been seen. And it's a shame too, I had this great "sucking" joke I wanted to use. Oh well. #22 is THAT MAIN EVENTER, Bob Holly. The future of ECW! His life Story, "Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Bobby Holly" will be available on DVD this spring. Charisma not included.
 #23 is hometown boy Shawn Michaels, which if recent WWE history says anything doesn't bode too well for him. For the record, he's still using the D-X theme. How sad. Win one for the Gipper!  Tripper!  HBK dumps Finlay out. He then superkicks Viscera, and everyone gangs up on him to dump him out as well. #24 is Chris Masters who has a helluva shot here. Clearly, he just needs to put the ropes in a Masterlock and he's all set. Clearly. Nitro gets tossed by Benoit next, presumably because The Wolverine is taking a stand against Nitro's love of fur coats and he as a wolverine, is deeply offended. Fortunately for Benoit, there's no chance of anyone fashioning him into a coat. There's no way your arms would ever fit.....
Thorn gets tossed by Benoit next, and Masters goes out at the hands, err educated feet of Rob Van Dam. You think his hands are bitter than only his feet were sent for post-secondary school education? His hands had dreams of being a doctor. But alas nothing.
 #25 is Chavo Guerrero, the only man in wrestling history to probably end up in a worse position after a big push. # 26 is MVP, whose name pretty much guaranteed he better be good at sports lest he look pretty damn foolish. #27 is Carlito. JBL & King lament over how lucky this number is. Oh ya? How 'bout we bring back those big winners for next year's Rumble? Hmmm? Yeah. Exactly.
#28 is Great Khali, the many who along with the "American Bash", is changing the literal definition of "Great" to umm,  kinda the complete opposite of that. Anyway, everyone in the ring stops what they're doing, and attack Khali, but he's dishing out headbutts and BRAIN CHOPS. I'd say go ahead and give the Creative team one too, but as the Zombie found out last Summer, going for their brains is a futile venture. #29 is Miz who gets immediately tossed by Khali. I take it all back. Khali is Great. Kill whomever you want, big man! Khali then starts dumping out superstars left and right including RVD, CM Punk,  Chavo Guerrero & Chris Benoit. #30 is The Undertaker. He and Khali go at it, picking up right where they left off last spring during their vaunted and celebrated Worst of Everything series. Undertaker, no sells the brain chop, and manages to clothesline Khali out and over. I hope they're not paying Khali by the bump here. Those people back in that village he sends his money to might have to start eating each other. Undertaker dumps MVP out after an Old School, which was hilarious if only because you can see the looks of horror on the faces of everyone in the front row who gasped at Taker's stupid move of going to the top rope in a fucking battle royal. 
This just leaves Undertaker, HBK, Edge & Orton left. Orton gets a chair and wears out Taker with it, opening him up. Edge then looks like he's going to blindside Orton with a spear, but Orton catches him, and Edge stops. Orton then hits HBK with an RKO and Michaels rolls to the floor for what seemed to be an eternity. Rated RKO then double teamed Taker and look to give him the conchairto, but HBK returns to the ring, and dumps both Orton and Edge out in short order. This just leaves Taker & HBK left.  It's a dead-heat in the huge receding forehead 500, and something has to give!
The two men then put on a fucking amazing psychological spectacle. Undertaker brings up his current theories of Psychosomatic Medicine, but HBK counters that debate with his very own thesis on Psychoneuroendocrinology. Or maybe they just teased eliminations left and right. Whichever. All I know is, seriously, this may have been the single best Rumble finale EVER, based on the work of these two masters. Eventually, after escaping elimination after surviving each other's signature moves, HBK goes for one last chin music attempt on Taker, who's standing on the apron, but Taker grabs the foot and dumps him over to win the match!
Winner: Undertaker. About time they elevated this youngster. Now he can hopefully make name for himself at Wrestlemania! Ah, I kid.  Taker's fucking awesome. (HBK as well.).
-Show ends with Taker celebrating, as HBK walks down the aisle dejected. Perhaps he chose the wrong long-haired dude with the ability to resurrect himself from death to worship. I mean, Undertaker can SHOOT LIGHTNING. Jesus usually just limits his miracles to wine and fish. I think we have a winner. And yes, this is how I'm going out here.
Final Thoughts:  You know, when technology advances enough to shrink cellular phones to the size of an actual cell, it would probably be a good idea to clone a bunch of them, because man, those things are going to be really easy to lose....
Oh, you meant on the Royal Rumble. Awesome stuff. I think I may have enjoyed this show more than anything else I've watched in a long time. Even more than porn. Although, in practice they are kind of similar. Sweaty, half naked people laying on top of each other. Only in porn, they do it for more than three seconds. Wish I could say the same.
Two thumbs up.
I'm Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wreslecrap and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).