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WWE ROYAL RUMBLE

2006

(01/29/06)

by Sean Carless

 

 

Hey there party people. I’m Sean Carless, and this is your Rant for the Royal Rumble. A concept actually invented by Pat Patterson of all people. Strange. I mean it’s just hard to picture a guy coming up with a concept that sees dudes trying to so hard to push other dudes out of a ring, while he himself for years has been trying so hard to push in other dude’s rings. That’s right. It’s gonna be that type of Rant!

 

Onto the show!

 

On Heat, Get the “F" out (“Fit” that is) Finlay destroyed Brian Kendrick accompanied by his crazy mask,  which of course was last seen gang banging Nicole Kidman in the abhorrent Eyes Wide Shut.

 

The Irishman dare I say potatoed (HIYO) Kendrick in awesome fashion, before obliterating him with the Kryptonite Krunch, which I'm sure will be renamed along with the rest of his offense when he's given the inevitable Lucky Charms Guy gimmick by Vince. Pink Heart-punch! Green Cloverleaf! Blue Diamond dust! Yellow Moonsault! Orange star press! umm, you get the idea.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Well, they didn't turn Finlay into a leprechaun, but they saddled him with one. But strangely the whole thing worked out. But just as a word of warning, though; apparently in *real-life* it's a "human atrocity" to keep midgets locked up in darkened areas and train them to attack people. Who'd have thunk it? The police? My neighbors? Apparently.]

 

 

Onto the show~!

 

 Your hosts are…umm, the same assholes we see every month. I think I’m gonna start leaving this part out from now on.

 

*On a side note, the set had a very Roman-esque feeling to it, with two guards opening the aisle doors during wrestlers entrances. The only problem was that they were wearing MEDIEVAL COSTUMES. Man, something tells me Vince never bothered learning anything about History. (Of course, you just need to look at his booking to figure that out.)

 

Cruiserweight Title Invitational:

(C) Kid Kash vs. Paul London, Jamie Noble, Funaki, Nunzio & Gregory “Stand Back! There’s a Midcarder comin’ through” Helms;

 

This is your opening contest here, and Helms appearance in this match is explained as “any former champion” can enter. Well, except Scotty 2 Hotty, apparently. Maybe you need two balls to enter this dance.

 

Really fast paced action early on, as it’s one fall to a finish. Crazy high spots abound, as first Noble hits a suicide dive (Why do they call it that when no one ever dies? False advertising!). London then gets the spot of the night when he wipes out almost everyone on the floor with a top rope shooting star press. Back inside, Helms and London jockey for position on the top rope, and Helms hits a great swinging neckbreaker from the top, but Kid Kash broke up the cover with a dropkick. Kash then hits the Dead level brainbuster on London, but everyone who was on the floor breaks up the cover. Total anarchy now, and Noble cinches in the dragon sleeper on Funaki, but Helms breaks that up and quickly finishes Funaki, with a Shining Wizard to win Kash’s cruiserweight Title. Good fast paced match, but I have to honestly ask: What the fuck is an actual "SHINING WIZARD" anyway? For your sake I hope it's not anything comparable to the Flashing Magician at my 8th birthday party. My Mom paid a lot of therapists good money to wipe that from my memory. His greatest illusion? Making my innocence disappear. Haha. What a convoluted set up for a stupid joke that was. But it was worth it. Clearly.

 

Winner and *NEW* champion: Gregory Helms. Just when I thought after his job to Jerry Lawler Helms had reached rock bottom so bad that he burrowed his way through the Earth’s core... they finally reward the former Hurricane with Gold. And he didn't even have to beg his father Billy Jo-Rel Helms to give him his powers back first. Good for him.

/5

 

-Vince McMahon is seen backstage discussing things with Teddy Long. Teddy’s here to help Vince keep order, but Vince states he has everything under control and sends him on his way. Clearly,  the best thing Teddy could do for Vince is to build a couple of dual side airbags into Vince's slacks, in the case the owner gets the bright idea of storming the ring like he did last year.

 

We then see Candice, Torrie and Victoria backstage with the tumbler. Vince's Devils will apparently be handling balls tonight. They can start with mine. (like you weren't thinking the same thing.).

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Holy shit. Remember Vince's Devils? I forgot those three were a stable. I guess Vince dumped the idea of a Charlie's Angels knockoff because he found out that NO ONE EVER SAW CHARLIE, AND THAT'D MEAN HE'D HAVE TO NOT BE SEEN ON FUCKING TELEVISION. Can't have that...]

 

Randy Orton comes in next and picks his number and smiles. HHH then follows suit and makes light of Orton, saying he’s taking the whole thing, before drawing a number he’s not too crazy about. He then seeks solace in the fact that he'll still be working the Main Event at Wrestlemania regardless of whether he wins the Rumble or not...

 

[Sean's note from 2007: What am I, a Genius? A Wizard?]

 

-Mickie James enters Trish’s locker room and reveals that she loves her. Sadly, Trish has the opposite reaction I've been programmed to believe. No saxophone music began to wail, no one took off their clothes, and there was no pizza man to show up at exactly the right time with tear away pants. Porn COULD NOT have lied to me. 

 

Mickie James w/confused lesbian emotions vs. Ashley w/ Emotional angst ridden boyfriend, Trish Stratus as Referee;

 

Bah. Personally, I’d rather have seen the Mickie/Trish rematch to close out their Single White Female storyline (bar the nudity. Get with the program WWE. You can’t do obsessive dyke lust without bare titties!). This alternative is a little more scary. Putting these two in the ring together is probably akin to crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.

 

Anyway, Trish of course is your Referee here, sporting an outfit I’d lose my lunch over if ever adopted by any other WWE Officials. As for the match itself; I could try to explain to you using flowery words to describe how completely abysmal it was, or I could just punch you right in the soul. The latter better describes what I had to sit through.

 

The story here was Mickie constantly looking for Trish’s 'approval' after getting offense, but getting no reaction from Trish. Ashley eventually comes back, and even hits a crucifix for two. However, Botchamania is running wild here, and the crowd soon turns on Ashley while she was mounted punching Mickie in the corner. Mickie however countered this into a stiff powerbomb, and after Ashley finally realized this was indeed the part where she actually puts her own shoulders down, Trish awkwardly counts the most butchered three count in history, as Jackie Gayda sits at home shaking her head in disgust. Damn.

 

Winner: Mickie James. I don’t know what they thought they’d accomplish here with Ashley and her patented “catch-as-catch-can’t” wrestling stylings, but I guess they just want to milk her for all she’s worth (I’ll volunteer for that job!) before her eventual Playboy shoot and release a year from now (if History has taught us anything). But whatever; my penis seemed to enjoy it. And normally there’s just no pleasing that guy!

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Turns out Ashley is NOW posing for Playboy. Her wrestling however hasn't really improved much, but whatever. I'm personally convinced that the reason Lita and Ashley blew so many spots in the ring, is because common boyfriend Matt Hardy secretly drains their athletic ability like a vampire to fuel his immortality. Or not. Whichever.]

/5

 

-Backstage, Vince proves (and doesn’t just write it to make himself look better) that ALL WWE DIVAS LOVE HIM, by inspecting the tattoos of Candice, Torrie, and Victoria. Perversely enough, even Chloe the dog apparently had one on its hind quarters which strangely gave Vince a charge. (Hey, maybe Kurt ain’t the only guy in WWE into “dirty bestiality sex”).

 

Big Show comes in next to draw, but can’t get his banana hands in the tumbler because THEY’RE LIKE SKILLETS~!Anyway, Candice does him a solid and picks his number for him. Rey then enters, and Show gives him a cordial greeting. Wait. Wasn’t it like 2 months ago that Show chokeslammed Rey on his dead best friend’s car? You know, most people don't get over that kind of stuff. "Hey, haha, remember when you destroyed my best friend's most prized possession by hurling my tiny body through it before his body was even cold? HILARIOUS! We should do lunch sometime! We can cook it in your hands! THEY'RE LIKE SKILLETS~!"

 

Anyway, Rey chooses his number, and shakes his head and blames Eddie in heaven for messing up his number (seriously). Call me crazy, but somehow I think Eddie has better things to do in paradise then return to our mortal coil and fuck with Rey’s ball.

 

JBL w/ Jillian Hall w/o mole vs. Boogeyman w/ worms w/o teeth;

 

Apparently Boogeyman has garnered a taste for moles! Could Tod Gordon possibly be next? And could I make more jokes that only 5 people understand? You betcha. Anyway, you’d think with all JBL’s money he could have had that pesky mole taken care of. Or Hell, since he’s a wrestling "God" and all, you’d think he’d just lay hands on her (guess where I’d start?) and heal her up with his divine powers. But hey, I guess his miracles only stretch as far as having a barely two star match with Batista this past Summer…

 

In any event, since this match obviously ain’t gonna be no Steamboat vs. Flair, I thought I’d kill some time and look at a REAL DREAM MATCH: The Wrestling God against who else?…but GOD himself! It’s the old Tale O’ the Tape, so let’s see how ol’ JBL matches up miracle for miracle with the Heavenly Father. It’s God Vs. God as we go to the tape!

 

Tale O’ The Tape: JBL Vs. God

 

God: Created the World in 6 days.

JBL: Created tediousness for 270 days as World Champion.

 

God: Gave Job a pretty hard time.

JBL: Gave Blue Meanie of the JOB squad a pretty hard time.

 

God: Parted the Red Sea

JBL: Allegedly parted a few rookies ass cheeks in the WWE locker room…

 

God: Inspired Moses to lead his people through the Desert.

JBL: Inspired apathy while being on top of a deserted roster…

 

God: Appeared to Moses as a burning bush.

JBL: Has a burning desire to be George W. Bush

 

God: Is said to end the world at Armageddon

JBL: People said his reign would end by Armageddon 2004. They were wrong...

 

God: Punishes sinners to Hell

JBL: Punishes Mexicans with the Clothesline from Hell…

 

God: Decreed Sunday as a day of rest.

JBL: Uses a shitload of boring rest-holds like bear hugs every PPV Sunday.

 

God: Passes eventual judgment on humanity.

JBL: Passes ridiculous judgment on WWE newcomers with Wrestlers Court.

 

God: "And then there was light. And it was good."

JBL: "And then there was 10 month main event push. And it was, umm, not that good."

 

God: Convinced Abraham to begin the tradition of circumcision.

JBL: Probably knows whether half the guys in the locker room are circumcised…

 

God: Made Eve from Adam’s rib.

JBL: One Eve in 1998, pulled a “rib” on Adam (Copeland) by soaping his ass in the shower…

 

God: Created Woman.

JBL: is currently managed by a Woman who was created... on a plastic surgeon's table.

 

God: Unleashed a destructive plague upon Egypt.

JBL: Unleashed a destructive plague upon the WWE by the forcing us to sit through high profile Orlando Jordan matches…

 

God: Forged the Ten Commandments out of stone.

JBL: Forged his own path after WWE fired a stoned Faarooq.

 

God: Declared the Jews as his chosen people.

JBL: Was declared an asshole by many Jews for goose-stepping in Germany.

   

God: Many people are skeptical about his actual existence.

JBL: Many people are skeptical about his actual talent…

 

Ah, I kid, JBL. I am actually a  huge fan believe it or not, and am really entertained by him. I just enjoy ribbing the guy. (with my pants on. Take some notes, eh?).

 

Anyway, the match. That’s right, there was a match here (could have fooled me, though). JBL stalls early, and only gets the brief advantage after Boogey goes after Jillian and pukes worms on her cleavage. I think I did the same thing to a chick at a college party once. JBL attacks from behind, and Boogey ridiculously oversells everything. After punishing Boogey on the floor, JBL gets him back in the ring, and goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Boogey ducks and JBL eats the post. Boogey than cinches up JBL with his pump handle slam and gets the clean win. Wow.

 

Winner: Boogeyman, and your local bait and tackle store.

/5

 

-Backstage, Vince gets goosed on the ass presumably by The Devils, but it turns out to be Shelton’s Mama, who's referred to as such by Vince.  Apparently she goes by the name “Mama” in all walks of life. Kind of like how I'm universally referred to as 'Asshole' ...only not as hurtful. *sob*.

 

Shelton then comes in and picks his number and looks pleased. He also promises to eliminate HBK for Vince. From there, Melina comes in, and flirts with Shelton, who is then dragged away by Mama. Melina then of course flirts with Vince, because let's face it, Grandfathers EXUDE sexiness. Nothing's a bigger aphrodisiac for the ladies than a man who's slowly losing the muscle control in his bowels! (and speaking of which, shouldn't "Depends" be called "for sure"? When you're talking about shitting your pants, I wouldn't be taking any chances....)

 

Anyway, Melina asks Vince to look into her situation on SmackDown. MNM then draw their numbers and also promise Vince to eliminate HBK. My suggestion is wrapping him in one of their jackets and throwing him into a PETA rally.

 

The Royal Rumblus!

 

Really weird card placement here. Lillian is about to explain the rules of the Rumble for those who can’t grasp a simplistic concept explained ad nauseam for almost two decades… but she’s interrupted by Vince’s latest brain-fart: The Spirit Squad. Brutal. Sometimes I think Vince is just like that kid who burns ants with a magnifying glass just to amuse himself. Anyway, the Squad puts on a cheer and the crowd goes mild. Your WWE Dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen!

 

Finally, Lillian is able to explain the rules for us! And guess what? Dudes still get thrown over the ropes to the floor. Thanks, Lil.

 

We learn that the new man will enter every 90 seconds, as opposed to the usual 2 minutes, and here’s the reason why: HHH draws number 1, and takes half the fucking Rumble time with his entrance alone. Number 2 is Rey Mysterio, who is driving Eddie’s low-rider for the cheap pop. WWE thankfully doesn’t catch the 18 inch cinderblocks attached to Rey’s feet on camera that help him reach the pedals.

 

And we’re on! Rey baffles HHH early on with some lucha goodness including a swinging headscissors. Countdown now, and # 3 is Simon Dean! Dean goes after Rey right away, then looks for Trips approval with the high five, but HHH knocks him out and throws him over the ropes instead. As it turns out, Triple H was infuriated with him because Stephanie drank some of Dean's fat burning Fitno powder, and she completely disappeared! Chances are I just wanted to just say that joke.

 

Countdown again, and it’s Mexicool member Psicosis at #4, sans lawn mower. Too bad. I recently was sad to learn that all landscapers don’t possess complicated high-flying lucha abilities like The Mexicools. Too bad, too. Imagine how much easier you could get down off the roof after cleaning an eavestrough if you could moonsault.

 

Anyway, Psicosis lasts about as long as it took you to read that joke, as Rey counters an attempted powerbomb into a rana to send Psicosis back over the border. Count down again, and it’s NAITCH at #5. Flair goes right after Triple H, lighting him up with chops, before grabbing his balls with the testicular claw. Good thing HHH made that Billion dollar sperm count before this match. Flair then stupidly charges HHH, but gets back body dropped over and eliminated. But hey, it’s a pay day right? (Well, until the IRS and/or Beth Flair tackles him the parking lot and takes his wallet.)

 

Countdown for #6, and Wellllll, it’s the Big Show! something, something, that you’ll never know~! Show and his giant mitten go after HHH right away. Show then does what every retard for the last 18 years has done, and that’s press a guy (HHH in this case) over his head, but not dump him over the ropes. Show then chokeslams HHH. Count down and it’s Coach at #7...who gets tossed out almost immediately by Show.  #8 is Bobby Lashley! He has muscles in places that most people don’t have places! And he has prescriptions in his duffle bag that help create muscles~! Wellness~!

 

Lashley goes into full Blackberg mode and starts killing people. Kane is in next at #9, and he and Lashley trade shots. Lashley who is still pretend undefeated (he got pinned in a match at Survivor Series that we’re obviously supposed to forget) gets Kane up in the Dominator. #10 is Sylvan the model. Lashley however eliminates him in short order. Man, and he didn’t even get to debut BLUE STEEL~ either. Mugatu is going to be pissed! Kane & Big Show then sneak up on Lashley and dump him out. They then turn on each other, and both try to teeter the other out on the ropes. HHH however says 'fuck this' and just pitches both out.

 

Count down again and it’s Carlito at #11! If I was Carlito, I’d have adhered Velcro to the ring ropes before the show, that way no one would be able to toss me out. Chris Benoit is in at # 12 and dishes out Germans like they were…something humorous related to Germans? I don’t know. Carlito wrangles out of his German, but gets the crossface instead. Booker draws #13, coming to the ring sporting long tights to hide his injury ravaged "lazy legs" (Tm. Bret Hart, 1998). Benoit immediately dumps out Booker in short order. Speaking of short order, if only Benoit had been working as a short order cook for Wendy's when Book was a teenager. He could have saved Dave Thomas a lot of grief.

 

 #14 is Joey Mercury of MNM. Apparently he’s dating Christie Hemme in real life. Man, if they ever have children, they'll have to cut a hole through the skylight just so that kid can fit his head in the car. Nothing of note really happens for the next minute and a half, and here’s the countdown again, and it’s TATANKA at #15. Tatanka goes berserk and starts tomahawk chopping everything that moves like it’s 1993 over all again! The crowd starts a “respectful” war cry in Tatanka’s honor. Ah, God bless the last shred of mass racism allowed in America today. #16 comes in, and it’s Johnny Nitro, the only other dude other than the Ghost of Christmas Present that can pull off a fucking fur coat.

 

#17 is up, and it’s Trevor Murdoch, who has obviously spent the better part of the weekend mummified, and not on the Beach. I'm not going to say the dude's pale or anything, but everyone in that ring could probably tell you the exact contents of his stomach.

He of course goes right after Tatanka. Sometimes stereotypes make sense, what can I say. Both HHH and Rey almost eliminate each other several times, until the buzzer goes off and it’s Eugene! Reformed from drugs, but apparently still struggling with that whole ‘being a retard’ thing. More flailing limbs and dudes holding in other dudes while secretly pretending to push them about abounds until we get our next countdown, and #19 is Road Warrior Animal! He quickly goes to work on Hunter, hitting a big powerslam.

 

Countdown again, and at #20 it’s RVD, running to the ring (leaving a trail of Cheetos crumbs and Funyun bags in his wake) to a HUGE pop. RVD starts kicking everything that moves, and probably a few people only he can see, before sending fat Animal back into hibernation (he's bulking up for the long winter!) after ducking a charge and hitting a back body drop. Countdown, and #21 is Orlando Jordan! Is he a face? Is he a Heel? Why he's been known to go both ways! #22 is Chavo Guerrero who gets a great ovation. Chavito gets the Three Amigos on Johnny Nitro, and goes up for the Frog splash, but is pushed out by HHH. Well, that was depressing.

 

#23 is Matt Hardy. MNM get the Snapshot on Tatanka and that's it for the full blooded lumbering  Lumbee Indian. Super Crazy in at #24 now, hitting a top rope cross body on MNM! How completely umm, not sane of him? I guess. I had no idea psychiatrists were so willing to commit dude's who can do flips off high places. "Sure your family claims you're Bi-Polar, but we're not giving you any medication until you admit that you can moonsault!" #25 is Shawn Michaels, and considering the entire Roman theme here tonight, I’m kinda terrified of what Vince might do to him. I guess we'll know something's up if Duggan is in this thing and comes out with two 2X4's and some nails....

 

HBK goes after everybody from there, and pitches out Murdoch, the man whose changing the literal definition of red neck, one body completely void of pigment at a time. Count down again, and it’s Chris Masters at #26. And Viscera follows suit at the DREADED # 27 POSITION. Which either means he’s going win the whole thing...or Die…or both! For the record, Viscera is wearing his tribute pair of Men on Mission (to consume as much food as possible) PJ’s here.  How nice.Viscera crushes Matt Hardy with a Samoan Drop from there, then dry humps him. TNA is looking pretty good right now, eh Matt? Matt recovers from the simulated ass rape and goes for the Twist of Fate, but Vis shrugs him off and Matt can continue "not dying" from the arena floor. Almost immediately after, Benoit violently tosses Eugene.  I think it's safe to say, Chris Benoit won't be hosting the Special Olympics anytime soon. And maybe that's for the best, because with his arms, I doubt he could pass the ceremonial torch without accidentally lighting someone on fire.

 

 Also, somewhere in the chaos, Super Crazy was dumped too, but I don’t recall from whom Oh well. There's always next year. And if modern medicine does its part, he'll be entering the fracas in 2007 as Super Sane. I wish him luck. Kind of.

 

#28 is Shelton Benjamin. There ain't no stopping him now. But you just wait a few minutes. GOLDUST makes his return at #29 and Randy Orton is your #30. All participants in the ring now. Benoit gets tossed out by Orton to the boos of the crowd. RKO hits Big Vis with the RKO, and Masters & Carlito dump his big ass out. However, hilariously, Carlito dumps Masters over, betraying him for the 2nd time inside a month. RVD eliminates Goldust next with a spinkick, and from there OJ battles Orton in the corner. It’s Metrosexual Vs. Bisexual and something has to give! (it’s Jordan). OJ gets tossed (like a salad?). I’ll be here all week ladies and gentlemen! HBK wriggles his way out of MNM’s snap shot from there and dumps both men. This brings out Vince, who smartly chooses to not Crocodile Mile his way into the Rumble ring this year and simultaneously blow out every muscle in his body. Good thinking. Vince distracts Shawn long enough for 'Mr. Fantastic' Shane McMahon to sneak up from behind and dump HBK. Although, with his rubber limbs, he could have accomplished this by just standing at the top of the ramp. Michaels then gets pissed, and chases Shane back in the ring, but HHH helps out brother-in-law with an attempted pedigree. HBK however back-drops out of it and superkicks HHH for good measure, before giving chase to the McMahons. From there, Carlito goes for his unnamed finisher on RVD, but Rob counters that and sends Carlito up and over. Man. I always assumed that Carlito would opt to go over head first, so that the sheer sponginess of his hair would act as a de-facto springboard and somehow catapult him back into the ring. Shows what I know. Fucking physics.

 

This leaves Rey with a shitload of acronyms in RVD, HHH & RKO as your Final Four. OMG! WTF! RVD & Rey team up, and deliver some cool tandem offense. No one on commentary mentions they were Tag Team Champions the last time we saw RVD in the ring, so I will.  Comparing inanimate cages to fucking meat eating animals? They're definitely your guys. Basic continuity and common sense? Not so much. RVD looks to go up for the five star on Orton, but HHH sends Rey cascading into him on the top and he spills over. RVD then goes backstage, squeezes an entire tube of raw cookie-batter into his mouth and asks when the Royal Rumble starts. True story. Orton & HHH then form an alliance and destroy Rey from there. Could we be seeing the reformation of EVOLUTION? Nah. Because, if HHH was really evolving, you'd think his body would have adapted to remedy his plight of never wanting to do a fucking JOB by developing say a hump, so he'd never be able to be laid flat on his back and be pinned. They then turn on each other and after a powerslam to the Game, Orton looks for the RKO, but that’s countered and Triple H catches Orton with a spinebuster. Yes, that spinebuster. SHADES OF ARN ANDERSON~! You know, I hope too, that like AA, (not Alcoholics Anonymous, but boy is that ironic) one day I develop an ability that is forever associated only to me by others. Until then, every time you blow all your rent money on porn, I want you to yell SHADES OF SEAN CARLESS. It'll bring me joy. While I starve, freeze and subsequently die in an alley because I have no home. 

 

Anyway, Trips then turns his attention to Rey, and picks him up in hopes of ditching him out, but somehow Rey counters and uses a head/body scissors to pull Triple H out! Wow. Just then I get the visual of a non-fan catching glimpse of this, and asking how that small child in the Halloween costume threw that Viking through the air. I'd love to know how non-fans see wrestling.

 

This just leaves Orton & Rey. But Triple H is infuriated, and he pulls Rey out, and sends him careening into the steps before rolling his tiny body back in for Orton. Orton has a smile on his face, as Cole puts over the fact that HHH may have just given the Rumble to him. Orton picks Rey up in a powerslam position and tries to throw him out, but Rey counters and headscissors Orton out to pick up the win! Eddie would be so proud. Well, if he was actually watching. Chances are, he's still trying to convince God that that whole "Lying, cheating & stealing" bit was just a gimmick. Not the best credentials me thinks to get unconditional entry into Heaven. Just saying.

 

Winner: Rey Mysterio, who lasted over an hour. If only he'd have just climbed directly into the tumbler and picked a better number, his road to Wrestlemania might have been a little easier...

/5

 

-Backstage in the Instant Access area (not Lita), Trish is online when Mickie comes in thanking her for "doing the right thing". Trish then goes after her to “explain a few things”. Stop fighting it Trish. Give in. And dear god, someone start playing a SAXOPHONE. Maybe that'll speed this process up!

 

-Rey is seen now coming through the curtain, where he is congratulated by Dean Malenko, Chavo and Benoit. Edge interrupts the moment and says he’ll beat Rey if he decides to jump to RAW to challenge at Mania. This segues into him saying he’ll beat Cena, and that he’s a “Sexual Tyrannosaurs”. Sexual Tyrannosaurs? I can't imagine what that Jurrasic Park would be like. You thought just getting devoured was bad enough. But seriously, no disrespect to Edge, but if anyone’s a T-Rex in the WWE, it’d be Benoit, I think. I mean, really ferocious with little tiny arms? Come on!

 

(C) Edge w/ Lita vs. John Cena w/ 30% more fans tonight~!: WWE Championship.

 

Here we have the Battle of Doctor of Thuganomics versus a man… in need of a Doctor dealing in the advanced stages of sexually transmitted diseases? Sounds about right.

 

With that said, in the wake of all this, WWE has since been desperately trying to salvage what’s left of John Cena’s babyface credibility, using every trick in the book to make us love him again  …bar hiring the Alien threat from Roddy Piper’s “They Live” to subliminally influence us*Obey* all to universally accept *Obey* Cena as our *Obey* hero. I for one *Obey* think that they’re doing a great *Obey*job. OBEY.

 

A fucking space-shuttle hydraulic bridge lowers and John Cena now makes his entrance with all sort of bells and whistles. I'd have thought an Alien spacecraft type entrance would have suited say JBL more, myself. After all, he's been known to probe a few people in his day (HIYO). Edge is out next, to much less fanfare. No Space entrance for him. I guess the only huge expansive void he's left with his Lita. That's right.  Joey Styles however does mention how high the ratings have been since Edge got the belt…which of course makes the booking of this one a real head scratcher (or pounder in my case.)

 

Cena dominates early on, until Edge regains the momentum on the floor when he uses Lita as a human shield. Edge then spears Cena sandwiching him against the stairs. Edge sends Cena into the crowd from there and almost gets the count out win. Cena back in at 9 however. Edge rams Cena into the stairs again, then gets him back inside, and hits a top rope dropkick. Edge then sets up Cena on the top, perhaps for a superplex, but Cena shrugs him off, and goes for a flying leg drop (West Newbury Jam?... which for the record is what all the old white people in his “hood” sell during their quaint summer-time yard sales.).

 

Cena rebounds and almost gets an FU from there, but Edge goes to the eyes, yo,  then heads up for a cross body…which Cena rolls through for a close near fall. Edge then applies a rear naked choke but Cena gets out by getting to his feet, and ramming Edge into the buckles several times. He clearly needs to try another hold with a thinly veiled double entendre for sexual abuse. The Pantsless Anal penetrator? The Roophie-assisted auto-erotic Asphyxiation? Ya, like it's anymore absurd than REAR NAKED CHOKE.

 

Edge tries a spear soon after, but Cena avoids it and hits a big DDT. Protobomb follows, then the Five knuckle shuffle, as guys wake up in the crowd and suddenly remember why they hated this guy in the first place. Cena has the cover OFF A FUCKING FIST DROP, but Lita has the referee tied up. Cena goes after Lita, but sees an Edge charge coming, and Edge instead collides with Lita, then walks right into a FU, before Cena gets the STFU for the... submission? WHAT THE FUCK. Stubborn fucking WWE assholes. Like Edge would actually submit that easily. You're talking about a dude who willingly put his dick in Lita's sarlaac-like vagina. Once you survive that potential death trap, nothing's got your number.

 

Winner & *NEW* WWE champion: John Cena. You can’t see him! If only this were true.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Gee Sean, overreact much? John Cena would of course somewhat reinvent himself, trading in his parachute pants for an actual parachute as a Marine! Strangely, the spinner belt remains. Perhaps only to make the terrorists nauseating dizzy before he kills them? I don't know.]

/5

 

-Backstage Tard Grisham tries to catch a word with Edge & Lita. Edge has no time for him, but Lita stays behind briefly to be confronted by Hacksaw Jim Duggan for the “Hooooooo!” pay off. However, my question is this; why doesn't Jim Duggan ever wear pants? I mean EVER? Dude's not even wrestling tonight, and he's practically freeballing it. What gives?

 

-Josh Matthews catches up with Kurt Angle. Angle says he can beat Henry in ways not even invented yet, before telling him he sucks. Man. If only there was a way Kurt could "invent a way to defeat Henry" where we'd actually not have to see the match. If only.

 

(C) Kurt Angle w/ pot belly of solid muscle vs. Mizark Henry w/ pecs that wrap around his entire body; World Heavyweight Title Match.

 

Who are we to judge Mark Henry’s title push? Just because his lumbering uncoordinated ways put the biggest star on the brand on the shelf, he had his most physically grueling bout ever with an inanimate steel cage door, and has no discernable talent in his strangely disproportioned body, doesn’t mean he don’t deserve a crack at the brand’s top belt. Oh wait. Yes it does. I stand corrected.

 

Angle sure has his work cut out for him here. I’d use the old Ric Flair “broomstick” analogy, but sadly “Toilet brush” seems a little more apropos. And Henry more than lives up to this hype, believe me.

 

Anyway, prior to the bout, Cole, in the most retarded hyperbole EVER, says “Here we have what I consider the Main Event!”; the fact it's the LAST FUCKING MATCH ON THE SHOW notwithstanding. 

 

Kurt starts off trying to take Henry down, but big Mizark keeps shrugging him off. Daivari eventually gets involved, and Henry nearly puts Kurt away with a big splash. It’s only been three minutes so it’s REST HOLD time, as Henry grabs Angle in a Bear hug. Speaking of Bears, Tazz states that Henry resembles a bear in an awkward moment. If only that were true. It’s still legal to hunt bears, right? Hand me my rifle.

 

Anyway, Angle eventually counters the bear hug by hip-locking Mark over. Angle goes up top from there, but gets caught, presumably for Henry’s World’s strongest slam or whatever clown-shoes name the Office has labeled it. Angle however counters out and gets the cankle lock, but Daivari is up on the apron, and Mizark powers out. Angle follows up with a huge German (not this) and the Angle Slam, but that only gets two. A ref bump follows soon after, and Angle retrieves a chair, lays Daivari out with it, but Henry catches the chair in mid-swing when Kurt tries to use it on him. From there, since it takes all the blood in his swollen body to tear phone books in half, and only 1% of it is reaching his brain, Mizark puts the chair down, allowing Angle to pick it back up and waffle Henry twice with it. Angle revives the referee but only gets two. Angle, now in desperation, unties the middle buckle and ends up drop toe-holding Henry into it, and picks up the win with a school boy roll up. Dear lord.

 

Winner & still champion: Kurt Angle. And now that this bit of unpleasantness is done, Angle can hopefully move onto Wrestlemania, and Henry and his cornrows can return to 1987 and finish systematically decimating Arnold Schwarzenegger’s platoon.

 

/5

 

-After the match, Angle is celebrating when the lights go out. And it’s Undertaker! He no sells death so what’s a little hepatitis, right? Taker rides out on a chariot, and makes a machination that he wants the belt. He then uses his super natural powers to destroy the ring with lightning~! until it collapses in a heap. It's too bad he couldn't have saved a bolt for Mark Henry, that way he could have incinerated him and we'd be spared ever having to sit through another match like that. Jesus.

 

End show.

 

Final Thoughts: To use an analogy, this PPV was like getting a blowjob. It built up slowly but pleasantly at the beginning, and by the Rumble it built almost to climax, but just when you think you’re about to cum, here’s the last two matches to bite off your cock and spit it in your face. Ok, that was a terrible analogy. And the worst date of my life. But it pretty much summed up the evening for me. The Rumble delivered, and the opening CW match was decent, but the rest ranged from disappointing to out and out abortion. There was NO discernable reason to take the title off of Edge since his reign was actually drawing, but hey, we all know what Vince REALLY wants his Wrestlemania Main Event to be. I’ve seen worse pay-per-views (although Angle Vs. Henry might be the worst WWE main event EVER) but I came away disappointed by the end. I just can’t give this show a thumbs up in good conscience. But mostly because my extremities are still numb from that Mickie match.

 

I’m Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).