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WWE
ROYAL RUMBLE
2005 
(01/30/05)

Hey there, Cowboy. I’m Sean Carless, and this is your super late Royal Rumble Rant. Excuse me for my tardiness, but I’ve just recovered from a very unique evening. See, normally, our own Dr. Gonzo is the only guy responsible for drug-induced recaps, but after being left in the lurch earlier by a few friends, I decided to saddle the ol’ dragon all by myself, and get bombed on some really lousy beer I bought from the liquor store earlier today (Three Stooges brand, baby. Cheap, and hits your liver harder than a Mo Howard pimp slap). So, anyway, here I was… alone, a bag of stale smart food by my side, smoking a bowl, wearing a track suit that made me look like a homeless gym teacher, and watchin' the Ol' Royal Rumble. It was good times. So, with that said, excuse me if I seem a little incoherent, but I’m just going on fumes here (literally), and may not remember EVERY aspect of the Rumble itself….bar Rey Mysterio apparently turning into the rabbit from Donnie Darko at about 10:26 pm Eastern time and terrifying me into sobriety REAL quick…..

 Tonight’s pay-per-view comes to us from Fresno! Home of...something? I don't know. 

 

Onto the show~!

 

Edge, with furious anger. (You think you know him?) vs. HBK with FORGIVENESS, thanks to the loving embrace of our lord and savior;

 

First and foremost, you gotta love that Shawn Michaels is still rockin' the name Heartbreak Kid at 40 years of age. I can just picture him at 80 with the same nickname, and wearing a colostomy bag with pictures of little broken hearts on it. It'll be a scene.

 

This match started slowly, but that was mainly due to the fact that both men would be pulling double duty tonight and also competing in the Rumble (Fun fact: Brock Lesnar and Bret Hart are the only two wrestlers in history to wrestle a match first than come back to win the Rumble that same night. Funner fact: THEY DON'T EXIST ANYMORE! Vince burnt the tapes YEARS ago!).

 

Back and forth match ensues, and Edge decides he is going to take a powder, and HBK, hears POWDER? WHERE? and goes out  after him in look of the alleged blow, then remembers he made an oath to Jesus, and thinks better of it. Ok, maybe not. HBK just goes out after him, but ends up eating a spear on the floor.

 

Michaels eventually makes it back in, but Edge is waiting, and HE tunes the band, and hits a HUGE spear on Michaels…but Shawn kicks out at two. Man, you'd think after all of his own menacing stomping in the corner for like 12 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT, that HBK would have known there was nothing but pain waiting for him if he turned around. "Hey, that stomping sound sounds real familiar! And well, I'm standing here, so it's not me. Huh. Maybe I better turn around and see where it's coming from?...BLARRRRRRRRRRGGGH".

 

Anyway, after HBK kicks out of his patented flying hug of death, Edge is distraught, and begins to rip his own hair out, although I think it’s done to just make HBK feel better about his own follicle situation. Maybe? from there, Michaels rallies, and gets the top rope elbow, and tunes up the band himself, but I guess he lost his little Orchestra baton, because as he looks to connect with the chin-music, Edge ducks out and scoops HBK up on his shoulders and nails him with a quick electric-chair drop. This is how Ted Bundy was executed I heard. His Uncle "King Kong" is still distraught about it to this day.

 

From there, Edge then applies the “edgecator” leg lock, that JR calls… well, nothing, again. Come on, Jim! You know every single sun-fucked college football player on earth, and what fucking hat size they wear over their fucking swollen noggins, but you can’t just ASK Edge what his fucking hold is called? What gives? Michaels ends up getting to the ropes, but Edge pulls him back into the middle where Michaels gets a quick two off a counter into a small package. Michaels then tries to cradle Edge, but Edge rolls through, and grabs the ropes for the win. Michaels stares a hole through Edge as he leaves.  Oh, come on, Shawn. Let he who hasn't sinned get stoned on GHB. Wait, that's not how it goes...

 

Winner: Edge. You think you know him? You know what he allows you to know. You're just a puppet. And a pretty damned life-like one if you ask me. Wait, what were we talking about again?

/5

 

-Backstage, respective GM’s Eric Bischoff and Teddy Long argue over whose brand will prevail tonight. Torrie and Christie Hemme are here, and are your *official* ball-handlers this evening; and even for me, this joke is too easy to comment on.

 

-Eddie Guerrero, wearing the 2nd greatest suit in wrestling history, (Nikolai Volkoff’s post cold-war threads still rank number one with me. When communism fell, apparently so did every reputable Big and Tall store in the country) comes in to pick his number. Ric Flair then also comes in, and they both draw their respective numbers. Flair is happy with his number, but Eddie is apparently not. Guerrero then gives Ric a congratulatory hug…where he picks Flair’s pocket and switches numbers with him! Eddie quickly leaves, and Flair braggingly displays his number (not realizing Eddie switched) to Christie and Torrie, who then shoot him a look like he had just been swimming in a cold pool. Flair then looks at the paper and freaks out as he sees that he accidentally has Eddie’s prescription for Somas! Ah, I kid.

 

- Gene Snitsky approaches Heidenreich in the locker room, and tells him that he “likes” him. Snitsky then reveals that he too, like Heidenreich, doesn’t like caskets (yet, is surprisingly ok with putting children in them). Bottom line is Snitsky has a plan. (which I'd assume doesn't involve him washing his shirts...EVER. That's some nasty shit going on there).

 

Undertaker w/ druids vs. Heidenreich w/ the lost dignity of Michael Cole: CASKET MATCH

 

The Druids roll the casket to ringside on behalf of their master, The Undertaker. Although, I never realized that Houston Texas actually had a druid population. Bass fishin’….Rodeo….and witchcraft? What the fuck is wrong with this picture? Anyway, Taker’s 30 minute intro aside, this match finally gets underway. These two have wrestled almost every night for the last two months, so no one embarrasses themselves…too badly. Taker dominates early until Snitsky runs in for the assist, and the two double team the Deadman. Heidenreich: “I like what you do to babies!” Snitsky: “ I like what you do to…  rectums?” Ok, maybe not.  Anyway, Team Abortion looks to roll Taker into the casket, when Kane all of a sudden emerges and takes out Snitsky. But hey, logically speaking, did  Kane just lock himself inside the casket in the random case some shit went down? I mean, seriously? It's times like this that I start to really get the inkling that wrestling may be predetermined. Then I see Undertaker make some magic and I am convinced of its legitimacy again.

 

....At this point, a sudden case of the munchies (go figure) caused me to quickly duck out and grab a Submarine sandwich. I asked for mustard, and as the guy squeezed the tube, about half a pound of oil squirted all over my sandwich first. I hate it when that happens. But it is kind of a metaphor for this night so far. I don’t know exactly what metaphor that would be, but an oily sub has to mean something bad.

 

-Anyway, thanks to the miracle of videotape, I now continue on with this recap….

 

Both Kane and Snitsky depart the scene, leaving Taker and Heidy, one on one. With both men on the floor, Heidenreich pulls back the outside mat and rolls the casket into Taker’s head as he lay hunched against the ring apron. The crowd chants holy shit, and I feel sorry for them for that. Back inside, Heidenreich tries to apply a cobra clutch… but forgets how to do it for a second. Never a good sign when it’s your fucking finisher. “Excuse me,  Mr. Opponent, but could you maybe stay stunned so I can try and figure out how to do this properly? Awesome. Wait. That's not it. How but this? Damn. Hold tight, there. I'll be right with ya. Thanks a bunch.” Anyway, Heidenreich tries to roll Taker into the casket, but Taker returns from the dead (HIYO), and makes his comeback. He sandwiches Heidy’s head in the casket, and drops a leg drop on it. For whatever reason this is frowned upon at most funerals. Strange.   Heidenreich briefly rallies and hits the blackhole (of workrate) slam, then goes for a pin. YES, A PIN. I guess 2/3rds of his brain haven't thawed out yet from being cryogenically frozen since 1945. Oh wait. they aborted that gimmick. Now he's just a poet who enjoys anal sex (Does Lanny Poffo know about this blatant trademark infringement!?). Still though, Taker comes back, hits a slippery chokeslam (Heidenreich and his buttery turkey-like skin slipped from his grasp in mid-lift) and finally finishes Heidenreich with a tombstone and rolled him into the casket, to get the win. Hopefully by the time Heidenreich reaches the morgue, someone will have the good sense to get this guy some pants. I can't imagine being laid to rest for Eternity in fucking tiny red Speedos.

 

In a side note, I finally realize why Taker has worn long pants for 15 years. He has my grandfather’s legs. (and the black ankle socks aren’t exactly helping his cause either. Just saying).

 

Winner: THE UNDERTAKER and elderly foot apparel stores across the country!

/5

 

-Backstage, Teddy Long makes Eddie give back Flair’s number. But if Teddy really wanted a SD! guy to win so badly, why wouldn’t he just go along with the scam? IT MAKES NO SENSE. Anyway, Flair vows revenge, and HHH (who’s on the scene along with Batista) calls Eddie a “jumping bean.” He then high fives Ultimate Warrior, and the two walk away hand in hand knocking over Mexicans as they leave. Ok, maybe this just happened in my version.

 

-Anyway, HHH wants to go over Evo’s strategy for Randy Orton with Flair and DAVE, but Batista wants to go draw his number instead. TENSION. Clearly, a trip to obedience school is order for The Animal here. Think about it, HHH. He'll not only come when you call, roll over on command, and no longer require a leash; but he'll even soon be able to groom himself! Thank the lord for that last one.

 

-Backstage, Christian draws a number he’s happy with, when John Cena enters and the two have words. Christian declares that anyone can freestyle rap, and asks Tomko to give him a beat…to which he hilariously says “no.”  Christian then goes into a Barney Rubble-esque rap (You know, “I’m Barney Rubble and I’m here to say..I love fruity pebbles in a major way.”  And if you haven’t ever seen that commercial, I’m either really old, or pathetic…or both.) Cena then retorts with one of his own, complete with a slew of gay jokes. Man, I just hate lowbrow comedy like that! *Ahem*

 

Big Show w/ hands like FRYING PANS vs. Kurt Angle w/ head shaped like a bowling ball vs. © John Bradshaw Layfield w/fingers that smell like Billy Silverman. WWE Title match.

 

Personally, I think they should have just had Big Show vs. JBL one on one, and saved Patch Angle from having to completely disintegrate in the middle of the ring. I mean, really, rather then having another Divas Search, they seriously need to use that money to hire that medical team that turned Lee Majors into the fucking six-million dollar man. “We can rebuild him…we have the technology!” Or, maybe, I just want to hear THIS sound as he transitions into the ankle-lock....

 

Anyway, as per every JBL match, gimmicked spots like tables breaking are peppered through out to disguise the fact that he can’t really work a great main event match. Typical three way stuff here, where two men go at it while the third man lays unconscious on the floor. In this case, it’s Big Show, who attempted to choke-slam JBL through the announce table, but Angle makes the save, causing Big Show to take the ol’ King Kong back bump through said table to temporarily incapacitate him. Show eventually recovers and manhandles both men, even slamming Angle on top of JBL at one point, probably marking the first time someone’s turned the tables and actually forced a man on top of Bradshaw….

 

JBL and Angle however block a double choke-slam attempt by Show with a kick to the knees. The two then connect with a stereo chop block/clothesline from Hell combo from opposite sides to take the big man down. Angle then hits the Angle slam (who else’s would it be?) on Show, and follows that up with a big German (not this) on JBL that almost does him in, which is kind of ironic if you think about it. Angle covers Show but he kicks out. Show then disposes of Angle,  then choke-slams JBL, but he gets his (das) boot on the ropes.

 

Outside the ring, Show tackles JBL through a gimmicked part of the ringside barrier and returns into the ring where Angle has a chair…but Kurt miffs on a shot and ends up landing headfirst on the chair himself courtesy of Big Show.  Just then, Orlando Jordan, and JBL's "Secretaries of defense" The Bashams run in. I'd question what would possess JBL to ever hire these guys as his secret service, but then I remembered that at this time last year, Shaniqua was violating them with a fucking cat o' none tails. After that, taking a bullet for the boss is a mercy killing. Clearly. Anyway, they all get involved, and this brings out Angle's charges,  Luther Reigns, the man who can't be killed by blade nor bullet, and Mark Jindrak, whom I'd like to personally find out if he too possess the very same ability. And if not? Well, no harm no foul. Anyway, as 5 of the most heatless schmoes on earth all battle it out with Big Show, JBL is rolled back into the ring and he hits a quick clothesline from Hell's Kitchen on Angle who shatters into pieces like C-3PO, and JBL gets the pin. Luther then carries his master's remains backstage to try and reassemble him.

 

Winner and STILL Champion: JBL.

/5

 

-Sideshow Carlito approaches Batista about signing his "get Teddy Long fired" petition. Batista declines and stares down Carlito, who began chewing his apple. Batista then said “I LOVED you on the first American Idol! That Kelly Clarkson ROBBED you!” Ok, he didn’t really say that, but I’d have marked if he had. Actually, he reminded Carlito what he did to La Resistance with their Quebec flag. And with the latter in mind, if only we had men like Batista here in Canada. I’m pretty sure he’d have much more interesting solutions to our separatist problem. Even if they did involve anal penetration. (no wonder Patterson lives there!).

 

-Bischoff accuses Teddy Long of having too much interference in the previous title match, and promises the same won’t happen next, because Evolution is BANNED from ringside. That's right. There'll be no talk of man evolving from apes in his arena! Wait. He meant. Umm, never mind.

 

- A funny Wrestlemania 21 vignette airs with Eugene as Forrest Gump. Would have been a lot better with the supporting cast of Shelton Benjamin (Bubba) and Robert Conway (Lt. Dan) though.

 

© HHH Vs. Randy Orton  World Heavyweight Title

 

Turns out this is to be the big blow-off  between the former Evolution partners, instead of Wrestlemania. And speaking of "Evolution", clearly that is what has clearly played a part in getting us to this moment.  You see, originally, the organism known as Randy Orton, or "Chinlockus Maximus" as its better known, despite being somewhat hindered by its inability to hunt without the use of copious prolonged restholds, eventually evolved to the point where it was able to stand on its own two feet. Feet that could leap into the air and deliver picture-perfect dropkicks, but feet just the same. This of course made him it a threat to certain animals at the top of the food chain. You see, though natural selection is decidedly non-random in its manner of action, other more capricious forces have a strong hand in the process of evolution. Namely the creature known as "Triple H", or it's more common Latin derivative: "Title-Reignus Uninterruptus". This organism has a profound influence, and in many instances it overwhelms the effects of natural selection, and sabotages it by evolving or adapting itself. In this case, the Title-Reignus Uninterruptus has physically adapted to the point where its shoulders have evolved and grown to the point where it's virtually impossible for them to be laid flat on the ground for more than two consecutive seconds. This phenomenon, has made the Orton organism an endangered species, and fair game. GAME. TIME TO PLAY THE GAME. Bwahahaha.

 

I live to inform.

 

Anyway, HHH works the leg for quite a while, and even applies the figure four. Bonus points go to Orton for his ridiculous overselling of the pain. There’s quite a bit of squirming, some loud yelping, and even some dirty talk. In fact, it’s a lot like a porn movie… only Randy doesn’t have to go wash his face after the hold. Thank god. 

 

Orton of course then reverses the hold, and HHH is now in trouble. And still, 50 years after it was first done, it has yet to be explained why that's the case. Anyway, Orton sells the leg…for about 2 minutes…then goes airborne with a flying cross-body for two. Psychology? Nah, you just missed him. He should be back in thirty minutes! I'll tell him you called! Orton then looks for a DDT, but HHH holds onto the ropes and Orton hits his head, hard. Orton rolls out of the ring sporting the Lesnar look from WM 19. This was also the same look on my face when I saw Jason’s mother naked once. The referee then breaks the count to check on Orton. At this point they’re trying to convince us it’s a complete shoot…much to the detriment of the match’s pace which was good up until this point. Anyway, back inside, Orton is still woozy, and Baby Earl again checks on him. This gives Trips the chance to squash both from behind. YES. HEBNER, gets KNOCKED OUT, in a HHH match. Who'd have thunk it. Definitely not Earl. You'd think after being ran over every night for 7 years straight by this man, he'd learn to maybe not ever get that close to the fucking turnbuckles. I can just picture him having a post-show drink with Hugo & Carlos, and them all shaking their heads wondering "why them".

 

 With the ref out, HHH retrieves a sledgehammer from under the ring, (which WWE apparently keeps there on the off chance they can go mine some fucking iron-ore between matches). He charges at Orton, who’s since rolled out to the floor, but Randy drop-toe holds HHH into the post. HHH stumbles around, and Orton spots the hammer, and tries to use it, but is mowed down by Trips with a clothesline. Triple H now has the opportunity to use the hammer on Orton, but instead throws it aside in favor of..... CLEANLY PINNING him after a pedigree? Jesus. If WWE directed Die Hard, Alan Rickman would have just tossed McClane off the fucking roof like 5 minutes into the movie, and that'd have been that. HHH would then cut a promo for the next hour until credits.

 

Winner and STILL Champion: HHH; Loser: You, for buying that Randy Orton, “Man of destiny" T-shirt. What were you thinking?

/5

-Anyway, apparently from what I’ve read, WWE may spin this whole “concussion” business into an angle. But be warned, these types of angles usually end up with said wrestler talking to inanimate objects like mops or stick horses...you know…instead of the usual blood on the brain and death that follows REAL grievous head injuries.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: They didn't follow up on it. He just turned evil. I was so hoping he'd get some sort of puppet or inanimate object he could talk to. Mr. Hankey, maybe? IT JUST MAKES SENSE.]. 

 

-Nunzio is seen walking the hall announcing that he’s in the Rumble. Kurt Angle then approaches him, and it's a stare down between the former Sicilian shooter and the Olympic shooter. BUT WILL GUIDO SHOOT FIRST. This is a dilemma that only George Lucas knows the answer to. Or maybe that was Greedo. Whatever. Anyway, Angle knocks Nunzio out and steals his number so he himself can enter the Rumble. So, it’s okay for Angle to steal a number, but not Guerrero? What kind of lousy GM is Teddy Long anyway?...

 

[Sean's note from 2007: VERY. This is a guy who let his World Champion leave the brand, not to mention a half dozen others, and replaced them with overweight midgets, a leprechaun and the fucking Boogeyman. Enough said.].

 

-Teddy Long is talking with Bischoff again, when a drunken JBL and the cabinet enter. JBL is hilarious as he declares himself a "Wrestling God" repeatedly, and Long interrupts and declares that at No Way Out, JBL will defend the WWE Title against Big Show…in a barb-wire steel cage match. A steel cage that I strangely suspect will somehow be compared to a hungry animal. Call it a hunch.

 

The Royal Rumble Match

 

First and foremost, for the benefit of those who are either retarded or haven’t watched wrestling ever, Howard Finkel goes over the rules. Turns out you hit the floor, you lose. Imagine that.

 

Eddie Guerrero draws number one…and Chris Benoit draws number two. Tough break for Chris again this year. Although, I blame the fact that the length of his arms prohibited him from reaching too deep into the cylinder….

 

The two go at it for 2 minutes until the clock counts down. #3 is Daniel Puder, savior of the MMA world….who gets his ass flogged by Benoit and Guerrero….and then Bob Holly, who draws number 4. The three take turns lighting him up with chops before Holly dumps him out of the ring. All this proves to me is that open hand chops > triangle chokes and ankle picks. So what if you can apply a million different variations of an arm bar? Try withstanding the AWESOME power of the WORM, sometime! No dojo in the WORLD can prepare you for that kind of pain, mister! In fact, it's a known fact that the Gracie family relocated to Brazil because they were so deathly afraid of coming across guys who can pump up their shoes before awkwardly fist dropping them. True story. Oh ya, Holly gets pitched out by Guerrero & Benoit. Holly then hangs his head in shame before perking up and remembering that he still has the BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS. Which is worth something. Somewhere. To someone. I think.

 

Hurricane is out next but is quickly eliminated. Didn’t anyone tell you? Hurricanes are passť! The Tsunami’s where it’s at!

 

Kenzo Suzuki, Edge, Rey Mysterio, Shelton Benjamin, Booker T., Chris Jericho & Luther Reigns all come in, in that order, and the sides divide. We see the SmackDown vs. Raw gang fight as promised in the commercials, but no one wants to be the first one to start singing. What a shame.  They all go at it, as I remember that in the commercial, Benoit was the only RAW guy who didn’t get a nifty wig to wear. The Canadian conspiracy continues! Anyway, Muhammad Hassan comes in next, and everyone then stops what they’re doing, and extend a hand of goodwill and racial tolerance…by all stomping the shit out of the one Muslim guy. Blacks, whites, Latinos all working unison to crush the different guy! The American Dream lives on! They then all pick up Muhammad and pitch him out. And Allah be seeing you later! Thanks for coming. 

 

Orlando Jordan is next, followed by Scotty 2 Hotty, who apparently beat cancer to get into this Rumble (I’m not kidding). Muhammad Hassan then attacks Scotty from behind, and applies the camel clutch, vowing to finish the work his Lymph nodes could not. Anyway, Scotty and his one ball are apparently eliminated before even reaching the ring. Up next is Charlie Haas who was last seen admitting he cheated on Miss Jackie with Dawn Marie, before dumping them both. Forgot about that, didn’t you? That’s OK, so did WWE.  Booker T then gets eliminated by the tandem of Rey & Eddie next after pulling off a “Rumblerooni” as coined by JR. If only we were in San Francisco tonight instead of Fresno, I had a really terrible joke I wanted to use. (more so than usual...)

 

Rene Dupree is out next, accompanied by Fifi, a semi erection, and a small beard that appears to be spaghetti sauce from a distance. He's pumped up to be here~! And yes, there is still enough blood elsewhere for that to be possible. A cool spot sees Shelton & Haas reunite to deliver their double team leapfrog move, but Shelton is eliminated moments later by Edge. Poor Shelton. I guess there is some stopping him now. Who knew.

 

Simon Dean comes in at number 18, and goes immediately into some Hindu squats. Funny, I have a few Hindu friends and I’ve never seen them squat in my life. Weird. The next thing you know you’ll tell me that all Germans don’t know how to suplex, Russians don't leg sweep, and the Irish don't whip. BUT CANADIANS DESTROY~! Just ask Petey Williams.

 

Anyway, Michaels comes out at number 19, and he’s got a good chance here, because if Jesus can move a one ton boulder by himself, certainly his loyal disciple Shawn can toss 15 measly guys out. Simon Dean finally gets in the ring and is immediately eliminated by Michaels. I don't blame him. I think seeing all that umm, "Fitno powder" brought back some bad memories for Shawn.

 

The buzzer goes off again, and Kurt Angle is next, his head held on by duct tape, suplexing everything that moves. Angle then catches HBK’s foot in a Chin-music attempt, and applies the ankle-lock, but Michaels wriggles free and ends up hitting the superkick and eliminates Kurt. Damn. THE ANKLE-LOCK WAS HIS UNDOING.  Man. The way Kurt's so obsessed with grabbing feet, I guess we should be thankful he never got into selling shoes. I can just picture him slipping a woman's foot into a pump, then grabbing a hold of it, and repeatedly floating over transitioning back into an ankle-lock, as she tries to roll out, before finally cinching in with a heel hook. He then spontaneously releases it, gets up as if nothing happened, and heads to the back of the store asking if she wanted to try that in a red. Yup.

 

The Coach is next. He drew a decent number, so no chances of him being an "Iron man" like he had promised. He'll just have to be a "pewter man" to pull this thing off, or some other useless ridiculous metal that he can be physically equated to. Coach immediately goes after Benoit, who no-sells his forearm, so Coach cowers in the corner. Jindrak is up next.  He's the "Reflection of Perfection!" Holy shit, he must have some Fun house mirrors in his house then. It's just a shame he and Holly didn't cross paths earlier. I don't think the world could handle the ramifications of FOUR FEET GETTING THAT HIGH IN THE AIR.

 

Kurt then runs back in and illegally eliminates Shawn, ramming him into the steps an applying the anklelock. And Shawn is doing COLOR!...IN A BATTLE ROYAL. Holy shit, this guy is taking the whole dying for our sins thing a little far. Buzzer sounds and here comes Count Blackula , I mean Viscera. Just what is Vis supposed to be anyway? A zombie? A Vampire? And if so, how does a vampire get so morbidly obese? Maybe he mistook a huge jar of beef ragu for blood, I don’t know. Number 25 is Paul London, who dances a strange little jig before running to the ring (seriously, I have no idea what that was). Dupree gets the French Tickler  on London, but is immediately tossed by Jericho. Dupree would have clearly lasted longer, but his erect penis bogged him down, creating a low center of gravity, and making him easy prey for elimination. What can you do? It's science. You can't fight it.

 

John Cena is out next to a MONSTER pop. He immediately dumps out Vis. That's right, Cena, dump out a brother. Geez, I thought black guys were supposed to stick together? *Ahem*.

 

Snitsky comes in at number 26, and KILLS PAUL LONDON DEAD with a huge clothesline off the apron to eliminate him. I guess based on London's smallish stature, he could be misconstrued as a small child. Not a baby, per se, but close enough.

 

Kane comes in at Number 27, which if you’ve read Harry’s Rumble of the Damned, you’d know doesn’t bode too well for him. It's a good thing he can resuscitate himself. Because if not, he'll soon be joining big brother in a "deadman" gimmick. Keep that casket  from earlier handy.

 

 Kane and Snitsky of course then go at it. JR & KING neglect to mention that this is because SNITSKY MURDERED HIS UNBORN CHILD, WHO AT THIS VERY MOMENT WOULD BE IGNITING ALL FOUR CORNER POSTS OF HIS CRIB RIGHT NOW. By gawd. You'd think that'd be the issue here. Oh well. DAVE Batista draws number 28 and kills everything that moves. He eliminates Snitsky first, acting as the figurative tube of Clearasil that is Gene's undoing. Batista then squashes Kane with the Demon-bomb. Jericho attempts to hit a crossbody on Batista from there, but he is caught, pressed, and dumped to the floor. FOX TV then runs in with a camera crew and films the carnage. WHEN ANIMAL ATTACKS. It'll be on after Cops.

 

Christian draws number 29. John Cena eliminates Kane with an FU over the ropes. RIC FLAIR comes in at lucky number 30, and he and Batista team up. DAVE kills Coach with a spinebuster and lets Flair dump him. Christian gets pressed out next by Batista and tossed onto "The Problem Solver" Tyson Tomko, who "solved" the "problem" of being completely useless, and did so completely effortlessly. He's a MATHEMATICAL WIZARD~! Benoit is then eliminated by Batista, because there's only room for one completely vague species of Animal here. Strangely enough, Benoit is still this year’s Iron man, as he was last year. Awesome. Flair then hugs Batista, then hilariously tries to throw DAVE out…who doesn’t even budge.  Edge then eliminates Flair with a Rey Mysterio assist.

 

Your final four: Batista, Edge, Rey and Cena. Rey gets eliminated next after Edge speared him off the apron. I suspect the real reason Edge targeted him is because Rey is always so flagrantly "dropping dimes", and since Edge's Canadian money is so worthless, he really takes Rey's carelessness as a personal insult. I could be wrong though...

 

Edge is then pitched out immediately by Cena, leaving the two favorites going in: Cena and Batista. Both men go at it, with Cena trying to FU Dave, who wiggles out and tries a Demon Bomb. Both men then stumble over and hit the floor simultaneously, as I picture Bret Hart and Lex Luger palming themselves in the forehead ala Homer Simpson. Bret then goes back to assembling his rifle with Vince & Shawn's pictures on it Ghostbusters-style, and Luger stares at his phone, desperately trying to finally memorize "911" since it'll probably save him some future grief.

 

Both referees then *SURPRISINGLY* declare each man the victor. Batista and Cena then eliminate each other individually to prove a point. That point? How to fucking overbook a Rumble match to the point of ridiculousness.

 

Just then, Vince finally waddles out to clear the air, but not before smashing his leg on the apron, obviously injuring himself severely. Vince then makes the call (while sitting down on the mat looking like he just dropped a load in his pants) THAT THIS MATCH MUST CONTINUE. Gerald Brisco the collects Vince's legs in a wheel barrow and he disappears completely. Perhaps we'll see Vince rolling by on a skateboard, legless, begging for money by the weekend, crying out like a shell shocked Vietnam vet. "Don't judge me! YOU WEREN'T THERE!"

 

The match then continues, but DAVE makes short work of Cena and tosses him out and over. I was hoping that Cena's huge shorts would catch the wind like a sail, and he'd cascade safely back into the ring ready for more action, but t'was not to be (yo).

 

WINNER: DAVE Batista, and us all for seeing Vince tank it into the apron like a complete tool. Hilarious.

 

Anyway, I obviously missed a shitload of official eliminations, because in my state, I couldn't even be counted on to pull my own father out of a fucking police line-up. So, for the benefit of those completists, here's the official order of entry and elimination taken from WWE.com! Your number one source for completely rigged reader polls, and the only place on earth you can find a detailed bio on Mark Jindrak!:

Order of entry: Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Daniel Puder, Hardcore Holly, Hurricane, Kenzo Suzuki, Edge, Rey Mysterio, Shelton Benjamin, Booker T, Chris Jericho, Luther Reigns, Muhammad Hassan, Orlando Jordan, Scotty 2 Hotty (never officially entered the ring), Charlie Haas, Rene Dupree, Simon Dean, Shawn Michaels, Kurt Angle, Coach, Mark Jindrak, Viscera, Paul London, John Cena, Gene Snitsky, Kane, Batista, Christian, Ric Flair.

Order of elimination: Puder, Holly, Hurricane, Suzuki, Hassan, Reigns, Jordan, Booker T, Benjamin, Guerrero, Dean, Haas, Angle, Michaels, Dupree, Viscera, London, Jindrak, Snitsky, Jericho, Kane, Coach, Christian, Benoit, Flair, Mysterio, Edge, Cena.

/5

End show.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS: A good show overall, but nothing spectacular. The Rumble itself was entertaining, but didn’t have nearly the emotion of last year’s. The World Title matches were decent, but predictable. However, Michaels and Edge delivered, despite how little time they had.  So, Thumbs up. And now that we're done here, I think I'm going to call poison control. If I don't see you by No Way Out, it means I'm dead.

 

I'm Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).