WWE
ROYAL
RUMBLE
2004:
(01/25/04)
By Sean Carless
Hey there, Rasslin' nuts, I'm Sean
Carless and welcome to the Royal Rumble! Wrestling's
most predictable Pay-per-view! And probably the only
"match" where a dude actually has a more realistic
shot if he gets a completely terrible number.
There's no love for number 30. The closest at this
point has been 27, and believe you me, that's an
advantage that's just not what it's all cracked up
to be. And if you
do draw number 27, and heaven help you (umm
literally) win; well, I hope you got your ass a dark
suit in your closet, because you just might need
it....
We are LIVE from Philadelphia!
The city of brotherly love! I always figured that'd
be a better catchphrase for say the Ozarks, seeing
how there's a serious shortage of women up in them
there hills, and you make due with
what you got. But hey,
whatever.
Onto the show~!
Earlier on (no)
HEAT, Victoria beat Molly Holly in a non-title
match, with a particularly devastating Widow's peak,
that saw Molly land hard on her knees. I could
make a tasteless joke about Molly on her knees, but
she's a PROUD VIRGIN, so honestly, the only
experience she has in that position is tying her
shoes. Oh well.
(C)
Ric Flair & Batista vs. The Dudley Boyz; World Tag
team Titles: TABLES MATCH.This was your
official opener here, and before the match, Batista
got on the stick and went for some cheap heat by
insulting the Eagles. Heh. It's just a shame North
Carolina already has an NFL team, because I was
hoping there'd be a chance that Flair would get
himself a franchise. Who couldn't get behind the
Carolina Saggyskins? I know I would.
Anyhoo, the
story behind this one is that Flair & Pseudo Sid
here surprised the Dudley's last month in a gauntlet
match, and STOLE the titles... eventually leading
to Evolution ending up with all the titles ala the
Horsemen in 1988... which is what they're so
obviously patterned after. In fact, I heard they
were going to actually call themselves the Horsemen,
but Batista took it a little literally and figured
that'd mean HHH would shoot him with a shotgun and
put him out of his misery because he keeps getting
injured all the fucking time. And maybe that's for
the best. I don't want to see Batista end up as glue
anyway. Besides, I heard that it can't ever work, no
matter many times it's used...
Glad we cleared
that up.
With that said,
this match was BEYOND terrible. In fact, I'm pretty
sure the only thing more wooden than the tables
here would be Batista himself, who worked this match
like the Tin-man trying to walk through quick sand.
Dudleys isolate Flair for most of the match, double
teaming him, but for some reason COACH runs in, and
distracts Bubba long enough for Batista to simply
spinebuster D-Von through the tables for the win.
Yup.
Winners and
STILL World Tag team Champions: Ric Flair & Batista.
Finally, Big Dave gets revenge on D-Von for that
whole "Deacon Batista" phase. I always wondered what
kind of Christian Church would allow a guy with a
sleeveless suit who called himself "THE DEMON OF THE
DEEP" to carry around their collection plate. I
doubt that shit would fly. No wonder Reverend
D-Von's ministries went under so fast.
/5-After the
match, Coach catches a quick word with the Champs.
Ric Flair yells that he told The Dudley's someone
was going to get put through a table tonight. Umm,
obviously. That's kinda the whole point of the
match there, Naitch. That'd be like someone saying
after the Tour De France "I told you someone would
ride a bicycle here tonight!"
-Backstage, John Cena is interviewed. He
says to "bet on the kid who pumps up his shoes" to
take the Rumble tonight. What, that annoying little
black kid who lives next door to me? Why the fuck is
he in the Rumble? Oh. Anyway,
he is then interrupted by Rob Van Dam. Cena says
that Rob's been talking to Mary Jane. Wait. He was
talking to Spiderman's girlfriend? Holy shit. I knew
RVD owned a comic store and everything, but I didn't
know he was in that good! Oh, he meant. Umm, never
mind....
(C) Rey
Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble w/ Nidia w/ THE
BLINDNESS.
Umm, ya. Nidia
is still blind here. Who knew that getting koolaid
spit in your face caused you to lose your sight
forever. No wonder everyone died after that cult
leader made them drink it. THAT SHIT IS LETHAL. Oh
yeahhhhhhhh!
This was a solid match, but much like the
first, it felt too much like a TV match; and the
fact it barely eclipsed three minutes is a testament
to that. After a lot of back and forth, Noble looks
for the Tiger Driver (a hold invented by Siegfried &
Roy, I hear. No wonder Roy got mauled! It was just a
matter of time before the tiger's got sick of taking
all those finishers!) but Rey countered out; and as
Noble bounced to the ropes,
Blind Nidia gets involved, tripping up Noble by
*accident*. Damn you, Nidia! This just proves once
and for all that you can never trust a blind person.
I mean, look at that Stevie Wonder. His eyes are all
shifty all the time. You can just tell he's up to
something! Oh, that's a lack of muscle control
brought on by perpetual blindness? My bad.
Anyway, this allows Rey-Rey to
finish with a 619 and a dropping of the dime. Paul
Heyman then runs out and puts it in his pocket.
Winner and
STILL champion: Rey Mysterio, thanks to an assist
from Blind Nidia. I guess she figured that if you're
going to be blind, who better to associate yourself
with than a dude with WHITE FUCKING PUPILS... who
irregardless can still see. Perhaps Rey will
share his secret with her?
/5Eddie Guerrero
vs. Chavo Guerrero w/o Junior w/ Chavo w/ Senior.
Confused yet?
The end of Los
Guerreros. No more lying, cheating and stealing. Ah,
what a shame. Who'd ever think a relationship built
entirely on indulgences and being a really horrible
person could go so wrong? What a head scratcher.
Chavo is of course accompanied to the ring
by his father, Chavo Sr., and he still
isn't called Chavo jr. How many Chavos
have to be out there before he gets called that?
Anyway, this match was
clearly worked under WWE's new mantra of mat-based
psychology, and it told the story that Eddie was
staying in control of his emotions and grinding
Chavo down through wrestling instead of brawling.
Chavo senior ends up getting a cheap shot off on
Eddie, as the crowd begins chanting "Chavo sucks".
Which one? There's two out there! Cole then notes
that "Chavo" deserves the chants... if you know
what he means. No, I don't know what you mean,
Michael. Are you outting Chavo? What the fuck is
going on here? Anyway, Chavo, steals a page out of
Eddie's book, (I hope it's not that chapter on him
falling asleep in the shower, with Bradshaw
backstage, who knows what could happen!) and starts
the triple verticals, but Eddie blocks on the third.
Chavo then tries to finish with his tornado DDT,
which contrary to popular belief is completely
useless on tropical storms, but Eddie counters out
again, hits his own triple vertical suplexes, goes
upstairs and squashes Chavo with the frogsplash to
pick up the win. Good, but really short match.
/5Winner: Eddie
Guerrero, who celebrates his win by "snapping"
and beating the ever loving shit out of his brother
and nephew. Cole and Tazz cry over the fact that
this appears to be the end of wrestling's greatest
family. However, there's some dead Germans down in
Texas, and bitter Canadians up in Alberta that might
disagree with that statement. Ok, the Von Erich's
aren't
really saying anything. If they were, that'd
mean they'd still be alive... and probably wondering
what they were doing in a fucking box right now.
Poor bastards.
- Backstage,
Chris Benoit is interviewed by Josh Matthews on his
#1 draw, when Flair, Batista & Orton interrupt.
Flair puts over Benoit as a great wrestler, but rubs
it in that he can't win "the big one". My theory on
that has always been that the company always
wanted
to put the belt on him, but since he's physically
unable to reach behind his back with his arms to
fasten the strap, it was just awkward for everyone.
Ah, I kid ya, Chris. I love ya.
-Video package
for Bob Holly vs. Brock Lesnar. You know what's
worse than having to sit through a match you have no
urges to ever fucking watch? Listening to a detailed
5 minute chronicle of that match. Dear god.
(C) Brock Lesnar
vs. Bob Holly: WWE TITLE.Thankfully, the
only "Title" Holly earned tonight was "worst lame
duck world title challenger ever", having ended The
Patriot's amazing near seven year reign.
Congratulations, Sparky! But seriously, has there
even been a less credible challenger than Bob Holly?
Man, the endings to Titanic and fucking Pearl Harbor
were probably more in question than the result of
this fucking match. But hey, who knows? Maybe
this would FINALLY be the night that Bob Holly
would find that same reserve he had when he lost
13,000 straight matches over the last decade, and
pull it off? After all, if you can go toe to toe and
*almost* pull out the "w" against a legend like the
Goon, what's besting 300 lbs. dominant Collegiate
champion? That's right.
The story here
is that Holly would rather "break Lesnar's neck"
than win the Title, but since it is Sparky Plugg,
the story means nothing. After all, if you were SO
ANGRY that you really wanted to end someone's
livelihood, would you do so with a FUCKING DROPKICK?
Not that Lesnar was any better here. For a guy so
terrified of a dude whose career highlights include
knowing the location of every strobe light on every
ceiling in every arena across the country, he opts
to STOP THIS BY GAWD TERROR with a... BEAR HUG?
Seriously. "I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR STALKING AND
PLAGUING ME WITH YOUR UNRELENTING REVENGE THAT I
SHALL WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU FOR 3 STRAIGHT MINUTES
DOING NOTHING, SO I MAY CATCH MY BREATH! FEEL MY
WRATH!" Yup. Anyway, Holly eventually hits an
Alabama Slam, but opts to instead snare a full
nelson rather the cover; but Lesnar, a 300 pound
guy, ROLLS TO THE FLOOR IN TERROR... from a 230
pound guy. Seriously. Maybe Holly should have given
him a purple nurple. He'd have tapped out 5 minutes
ago. Anyway, Holly doesn't let go of the hold, but
once he does, he rolls back in, probably trying to
remember just what he has left in his arsenal, now
that he's unleashed the plague of horrors that is a
standing dropkick. Lesnar then gets back up on the
apron, so Holly applies a 2ND Full Nelson, but
Lesnar counters out by dropping out of the ring to
the floor, which snaps Holly's neck against the
ropes. Lesnar then slips in and hits a quick F-5 to
end the misery. Poor Bob Holly. Maybe he should have
just jumped into his stock car and ran over Brock?
That way he'd have bought himself a few more minutes
until Lesnar just beat him anyway.
Winner & STILL
Champion: Brock Lesnar. Who knows what jobber will
come out of the wood work next looking for payback.
Maybe we'll find out this coming Thursday night that
Brock once really hurt Barry Horowitz's feelings in
early 2000, and we'll get another REALLY AWESOME 3
month feud! I'm stoked!
/5(C) HHH vs. HBK; World Heavyweight
Title match; Last Man Standing.
Hey, I think we
have found the answer to why every match preceding
this has only been given like 5 minutes. Either
that, or tonight will introduce the first ever "20
minute intervals" between Rumble entries. And sadly,
if that is the case, Benoit will only weigh 45
pounds by match's end if he does pull it off. But
regardless I guess someone decided the rest
of the card would take a back seat to Triple H's big
title defense here. Man, who's this guy fucking? Oh.
They should of
changed the name of this match to "No man Standing"
because the ending ruined what was to that point a
fantastic match. And speaking of matches, do you
remember when this was considered a dream match? Me
too. But that was 300 matches ago. I think by this
point, HBK has spent more time on top of HHH then he
has his wife Rebecca. Dear lord.
Anyway, HBK & HHH continue to be a master
of ring psychology, and as the match progressed,
they continued to draw fans into the story. One big
spot saw HBK attempt an Asai moonsault to the
outside, but HHH moves and Michaels flies into the
Spanish Announce table. I could point out that it is
kind of foolish to use a move that could potentially
knock YOURSELF unconscious in a match that can
only be won by , umm, knocking your opponent
unconscious, but umm, I kinda just did. But
seriously. That'd be like stopping a robbery attempt
by pointing a gun at your own chest and pulling the
trigger, hoping that it passes clean through and
takes out the assailant. Or maybe I'm just putting
too much thought into this....
Anyway, HHH
takes advantage and batters HBK on the floor, and
HBK is BLEEDING, and bleeding something fierce. Man,
this guy bleeds A LOT. And it's always from the
head, so you can rule out Stigmata. Oh well. Anyway,
lot's more near ten counts from there (too many to
count, plus, I umm, don't want to? Yup.) but
eventually, HHH pastes HBK with a chair, and that
looks to be all, but Michaels STILL gets up.
Eventually, HHH
tries for a pedigree but HBK back drops out and HHH
lands on the chair. HBK goes into his full offensive
flurry from there; the forearm, the kip-up, and the
flying elbow. He then begins to menacingly stomp his
foot, as I start to wonder why the fuck no one ever
seems to know what that pounding means. "Wait. What
is that thumping sound? There it is again! and
again! and again! and again! What could this be?
Well, let's turn around at find out! Wait it's a
su...BLARRRRRRRRGGGGH". You get the idea. HHH
however, avoids the kick, and goes low. From there,
Michaels recovers and gets a sleeper, before
dropping HHH and demanding a count. He gets 8,
before HHH staggers to his feet. HHH then comes back
with a big DDT soon after, but HBK is up at 8. Both
men then collapse on one another, and the ref counts
both, but they're collectively up at 9. Just then,
Trips hits THE NUCLEAR PEDIGREE~!, but it doesn't
finish HBK, who's up at 9, because Kliq members, and
ONLY kliq members possess the secret to surviving
it's life obliterating fallout. Just ask Booker T.
It took a team of scientists to reanimate him from
his one at WM 19...
Anyway, Triple
H, then walks right into some sweet chin music, and
is down in out, but Michaels, collapses as well, as
the effects of nuclear pedigree have finally caught
up with him apparently. They always say the
radiation gets you after a blast. I guess they were
right. The referee starts his count and BOTH men get
counted out, which didn't please the crowd to say
the least.
Winner: No one!
Everyone! Both! Neither! DRAW! Even-steven!
Stalemate! Impasse! Tie! Deadlock! Dead heat!... and
I've kinda run out of thesaurus words for NO
ONE WANTED TO DO A FUCKING JOB HERE. That's right.
The problem when you book two guys who don't ever
fucking lose is, well, someone kinda has to lose.
What a predicament. So, they just dusted
off the old Rock/Foley St. Valentine's Day Massacre
finish, and knocked each other out. Man, I
wonder if this also happens in other games between
these two friends. I can just imagine a
spirited game of chess between them, with each about
to have checkmate, when suddenly, they just look at
each other and keel over simultaneously. Stephanie
then runs out, clears the board quickly, calls it a
draw; they wake up, pin Rob Van Dam, and everybody's
happy! Good stuff.
/5- Eric Bischoff
comes out and buries Philadelphia and Rival-GM, Paul
Heyman. Heyman then comes out to a lukewarm response
surprisingly, and the two begin to brawl. This of
course brings out "Sheriff" Stone Cold Steve Austin,
riding in his scooter o' justice. And by his display
here, I think it's pretty safe to say, this
particular "Sheriff" is no hurry to enforce
those pesky drinking and driving laws. Someone's
gonna be MAAD as hell!
Anyway, I don't
think I need to tell you what happens next. But I
will anyway. Stunners for both men. Actually, a
stunner for Bischoff. Then he drank a beer with
Heyman, then remembered Heyman forgot to sign his
name on his one ECW pay-check in 1995, so he stunned
him too. Huh. If one was a conspiracy theorist, one
could say that this was a subtle burial of WCW and
ECW with WWE's biggest star obliterating both. But
hey, the alternative is Vince restarting one of the
companies, and running it into the ground just
because he can. I guess we should be happy he hasn't
ever thought of that.
[Sean's note
from 2007: Dear Lord... ].
-Terri Runnels
and her perpetually hard nipples since 1996
interviews Goldberg. Lesnar then enters and makes
light of Bill for no longer having the World Title
since they last met. Goldberg then says he's going
to take the Rumble tonight, and says "ain't that
right, Hardcore?" which spooks Lesnar... because
umm, the prospect of having to defeat
a fledgling midcarder in under 6 minutes again has
him completely terrified? Brock then says "You, got
me this time, Bill. But I'll have the last
laugh. Ain't that right, JERRY FLYNN?" and Goldberg,
completely stunned, yells out "Jerry Flynn?! I
thought I had seen the last of you when we
wrestled 74 straight times on Thunder! Dear God,
it's happening again!". Ok, the last part of this
exchange never really happened. But damn it, it
should have. This impending rivalry clearly needs
more panic-inducing jobbers. Clearly.
ROYAL RUMBLEIT IS NOW TIME
FOR THE ROYAL RUMBLE~! Rules: 30 men. 29 go. One
dude remains. He gets a Title shot. If only the ring
announcer could learn from my sweet, sweet brevity
here. I think the fucking tedious explanation of the
rules here is the real reason we're only getting 90
second intervals.
#1 is.... Chris Benoit! Chris
Benoit is here and he's really mad! Chris Benoit is
here and he's really Ang-ry! Admittedly, this sounds
better with kazoos. #2 is Randy Orton, the Legend
Killer! Man, Christmas with his Dad and grandfather
must have been real awkward this year. You never
know when Randy might get the sudden urge to
murder them by virtue of their status in the
business. Yup. #3 is Mark Henry, the only man in the
world whose pecs stretch around his entire body. #4
is Tajiri! The Japanese Buzzsaw! I ordered one of
those on an Infomercial the other night, but had to
return it, because it kept inexplicably spraying me
in the face every time I used it.
No one's been
eliminated yet. #5 is Bradshaw of the APA, which if
you've seen their shirts, now stands for "Always
Pounding Ass". Man, that joke's too easy even for
me. Bradshaw however doesn't stick around too long
and is eliminated by Benoit before the next buzzer
even went off. Weird. That doesn't bode too well for
him [Sean's note from 2007: Umm, ya. He only got the
longest WWE Title reign in 9 years just 3 months
later... Shows what I know...].
#6 is Rhyno,
living proof that "F" wasn't the only letter to "get
out" in WWE. "i" was also a casualty. Tajiri
stupidly tries to put the Tarantula on Mark Henry.
Ya, hanging upside down out of the ring is the best
strategy in this match. Tajiri ultimately pays for
that by being dumped out by both Henry and Rhyno.
Mark Henry goes out next at the hands of Benoit,
after apparently being misted by Tajiri, which if
Nidia is any indicator, means that he's now
completely blind. Oh noes! Now he'll be useless as a
wrestler! *Ahem*.
#7 is Matt
Hardy, Version 1. #8, is Scott Steiner!... fresh
from guarding the sacred chalice of Christ as his
part time job of Knight Templar! #9 is Matt Morgan,
big and strong, but just not the same since his
partner Nathan Jones took his umm, milk, and went
home. Too bad, too. I was hoping Morgan could get
himself a baker gimmick just so we could call their
team "Milk & Cookies". Hell, Stacy KEIBLER could be
their manager! This shit writes itself. #10 is The
Hurricane, and the S.H.I.T. is on!..unfortunately
he's tossed not even a minute later by Matt Morgan.
"Stand Back!..So I can, umm, land safely on the
floor without threat of injury!". Heh. Doesn't quite
have the same ring.
#11 is Booker
T. who goes right after Scott Steiner. A worm hole
(not Scotty 2 Hotty's ass) then opens up and sends
them back to March of 2001! Strange! Kane comes in
at #12. Scott Steiner is dumped out by Booker.
Holla, so he can hear you! He's getting kind of old
now so you'll need to speak up! Kane destroys
everyone in the ring. Undertaker's gong then goes
off, and Kane freaks out. He gets dumped out by
Booker T, soon after. #13 is Spike Dudley, who
unfortunately never makes it to the ring, and gets
obliterated by Kane. Hey, didn't this poor bastard
just get off injury reserve? Man, that'd be like
finding out you beat cancer, only to step off the
curb and get mowed down by a fucking bus.
#14 is Rikishi.
With all the hot women on this roster, it's Rikishi
who has the real breasts and shows the most skin.
That's thought provoking and completely terrifying.
Benoit dumps out his Brother in arms (as in
completely not proportioned) Rhyno. #15 is Rene
Dupree, the wrestling sun-dial! Lay him flat on his
back outside and you can tell what time it is!
Dupree and his erection dropkick Matt
Hardy out. It's at this point I think one of those
Internet Explorer "error" screens should pop up in
honor of V1. Of course, that's just me. Rikishi then
eliminates Dupree during his dance. #16 is A-Train,
the man who has the world convinced that NYC's
public transit system could use a good shave. Take a
taxi! They've had a Brazilian! Morgan goes out by
Benoit, and Orton dumps both Rikishi and Booker T,
soon after. #17 is
Shelton Benjamin. A-Train mysteriously disappears
during Shelton's intro. My theory is someone threw a
bucket of Nair on him and he dissolved like the
wicked Witch in Wizard of Oz. Shelton goes out in
like 35 seconds from there by Orton. World's
greatest Tag team. World's Worst Battle Royal
entrant, apparently. This just leaves Orton &
Benoit, numbers 1 & 2 (not piss & shit) alone again.
#18 is "The
Cat" Ernest Miller. He gets dumped out in
almost record time. I'd say "someone call his Mama",
but she's disowned his ass after that performance.
#19 is Kurt Angle, a man whose probably kicking
himself for having ever taken Scott Hall's advice on
a neck surgeon. Knowing where to accost and sexually
assault elderly women? Scott's your man. Everything
else? Not so much. #20 is Rico, Former Las Vegas
Police Officer and current latent homosexual. I'd
hate to be thrown into the drunk tank at his Police
Station. You'd have to wear a pair of pants with
a hemorrhoid cushion sewn into the ass. Oh, he lasts
about as long as it took me to write that joke, as
Orton sent him up and over. Test was to be #21, but
he's laying unconscious on the floor. Austin is then
seen telling someone to get their ass out there. And
it's MICK FOLEY~! Holy shit. Mark out time. Foley
comes in like a psycho and goes after Orton! Cactus
clothesline takes both he and Orton out. Fucking
Awesome.
#22 is Christian. #23 is Nunzio, the last
remaining F.B.I. member, as Chuck Palumbo and Johnny
The Bull have apparently been put into the witness
protection where NO ONE will find them, or "OVW' as
it's more commonly referred to. Foley & Orton are
brawling on the floor and Nunzio gets Mr.
Socko because he's in the wrong place at the wrong
time. # 24 is Big Show, fresh from whipping himself
up some dinner in his hands backstage. #25 is Chris
Jericho. #26 is Charlie Haas. Christian gets
eliminated by Chris Jericho. First he gets rejected
by a woman for equating her worth to a dollar and
now this. Is there no sense or justice? #27
is BILLY GUNN. Billy Gunn has drawn NUMBER 27! If there was
ever a time to pull for Billy to win this thing,
it's now! Or, maybe I just have my own
selfish reasons for that.....
#28 is John Cena, complete with new
marketing friendly Word life knux! Knowing WWE,
they'll market this poor motherfucker to the point
where we all turn on him. What's next ,a fucking
blinged out Championship belt? [Sean's note from
2007: ..... ]
# 29 is old Mr. Potato Hands himself, Rob Van Dam,
and # 30 is homeless Bill Goldberg, who was just
reactivated last week according to JR. (Wait.
Reactivated? I KNEW HE WAS A ROBOT. The promos gave
it away!). Goldberg eliminates Nunzio and Charlie
Haas in short order. He then goes after Big Show,
but Brock Lesnar runs in and ambushes him from
behind with the F-5! Kurt Angle then dumps out
Goldberg, who'll now head back to the Island he and
Tom Hanks were stranded on for the last month.
(Jesus, Bill. Is a fucking shave really asking too
much?)
From there,
everyone left in the ring (Jericho, Cena, RVD,
Angle, Benoit) try to pitch out Show, who does all
the Andre tributes (except the dying part),
but to no avail. The irony here was that it was all
the IWC favorites teaming up to try and eliminate
the hated "Hoss"... and the Hoss still prevails. DID
I MENTION HIS HANDS ARE LIKE SKILLETS? Show then
dumps out RVD, then Cena, who looks to
tweak his knee on the way out. Clearly, the best way
to have eliminated Show from this thing would be to
dump a Little Debbie's snack cake on the arena
floor, and when he bent over the ropes to pick it
up, everyone could have just tipped him out. These
guys need me out there~!
Anyway, your final 4 (8 if you count
Show) are Jericho, Angle, Benoit and of course
Big Show... for whom WWE never did tell us just
exactly what that "show" exactly was. I hope for our
sakes it's not Puppetry of the Penis. I wouldn't wish that fate on
anyone. Big Show continues to rampage, dumping out
Jericho, then Angle who tried an ankle lock
(cankle-lock?) on the big man, but he just propelled
him out. This just leaves Benoit and Show and one of
these men is going to Wrestlemania!... while the
other will likely make his FIRST EVER U.S.
heavyweight title defense! You know, despite having
the belt for OVER 4 MONTHS. Dear lord. Benoit and
Big Show then circle each other as the crowd comes
alive, knowing the end is near. It's at this point,
I start to worry for Chris because I'm
convinced Show once overheard Nash refer to Benoit
as a "Vanilla midget" in WCW, and he now thinks he
was literally made of fudge and will try to consume
him by match's end. Of course, by this point, I'm
completely drunk off my rocker so don't listen to
me.
Big Show dominates Benoit, but Chris gets
a defensive front face lock. Show then drops him on the apron, but
Benoit keeps his grip. Benoit then slowly starts
choking Show out, and repositioning his own body
under the ropes to give himself more leverage.
Finally, after a titanic struggle, Show teeters out,
and Benoit pulls him to the floor to win the
match! Chris Benoit is going to Wrestlemania!
Fantastic
Rumble, my ridiculousness aside.
Winner: Chris
Benoit! Who'll finally headline Wrestlemania!...
while hopefully not ending up under the heaving body
of The Game. Because it seems, these days, the only
person who gets to lay on top of Hunter for more
than two seconds is Steph; so I'm not holding my
breath... but I am keeping my fingers crossed. Now
where did I put that kazoo?
/5End Show.
FINAL THOUGHTS: This
pay-per-view was the equalivalent of a dying man
suddenly resuscitated . It looked like things were
curtains half way through, but thanks to two
spirited matches, the corpse of this show quickly
re-animated and came out stronger than it did
before. Still though, there's really no excuse for a
fucking THREE MINUTE match on a show I'm paying
forty dollars of my not hard earned money for (fun
fact: I cheat the government!) . However, the Rumble
was so good, that by night's end, I
completely forgot about how disappointingly short
the undercard was.
So, TWO THUMBS
OF UPPERY from this sarcastic motherfucker overall.
I'm Sean.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats.
And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read
at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk
Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling.
He has also cured AIDS.
