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ROYAL RUMBLE 2006

(01/29/06)

by Sean Carless

 

 

Hey there party people. I’m Sean Carless, and this is your Rant for the Royal Rumble. A concept actually invented by Pat Patterson of all people. Strange. I mean it’s just hard to picture a guy coming up with a concept that sees dudes trying to so hard to push other dudes out of a ring, while he himself for years has been trying so hard to push in other dude’s rings. That’s right. It’s gonna be that type of Rant!

 

Onto the show!

 

On Heat, Get the “F" out (“Fit” that is) Finlay destroyed Brian Kendrick accompanied by his crazy mask,  which of course was last seen gang banging Nicole Kidman in the abhorrent Eyes Wide Shut.

 

The Irishman dare I say potatoed (HIYO) Kendrick in awesome fashion, before obliterating him with the Kryptonite Krunch, which I'm sure will be renamed along with the rest of his offense when he's given the inevitable Lucky Charms Guy gimmick by Vince. Pink Heart-punch! Green Cloverleaf! Blue Diamond dust! Yellow Moonsault! Orange star press! umm, you get the idea.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Well, they didn't turn Finlay into a leprechaun, but they saddled him with one. But strangely the whole thing worked out. But just as a word of warning, apparently in *real-life* it's a "human atrocity" to keep midgets locked up in darkened areas and train them to attack people. Who'd have thunk it?]

 

 

Onto the show~!

 

 Your hosts are…umm, the same assholes we see every month. I think I’m gonna start leaving this part out from now on.

 

*On a side note, the set had a very Roman-esque feeling to it, with two guards opening the aisle doors during wrestlers entrances. The only problem was that they were wearing MEDIEVAL COSTUMES. Man, something tells me Vince never bothered learning anything about about History. (Of course, you just need to look at his booking to figure that out.)

 

Cruiserweight Title Invitational:

Kid Kash Vs. Paul London, Jamie Noble, Funaki, Nunzio & Gregory “Stand Back! There’s a Midcarder comin’ through” Helms;

 

This is your opening contest here, and Helms appearance in this match is explained as “any former champion” can enter. Well, except Scotty 2 Hotty, I guess. Apparently you need two balls to enter this dance.

 

Really fast paced action early on, as it’s one fall to a finish. Crazy high spots abound, as first Noble hits a suicide dive (Why do they call it that when no one ever dies? False advertising!). London then gets the spot of the night when he wipes out almost everyone on the floor with a top rope shooting star press. Back inside, Helms and London jockey for position on the top rope, and Helms hits a great swinging neckbreaker from the top, but Kid Kash broke up the cover with a dropkick. Kash then hits the Dead level brainbuster on London, but everyone who was on the floor breaks up the cover. Total anarchy now, and Noble cinches in the dragon sleeper on Funaki, but Helms breaks that up and quickly finishes Funaki with a Shining Wizard to win Kash’s cruiserweight Title. Good fast paced match, but I have to honestly ask: What the fuck is a "SHINING WIZARD" anyway? For your sake I hope it's not anything comparable to the Flashing Magician at my 8th birthday party. My Mom paid a lot of therapists good money to wipe that from my memory. His greatest illusion? Making my innocence disappear. Haha. What a convoluted set up for a stupid joke that was. But it was worth it. Clearly.

 

Winner and *NEW* champion: Gregory Helms. Just when I thought after his job to Lawler Helms had reached rock bottom so bad that he burrowed his way through the Earth’s core... they finally reward the former Hurricane with Gold. And rightfully so.

/5

 

-Vince McMahon is seen backstage discussing things with Teddy Long. Teddy’s here to help Vince keep order, but Vince states he has everything under control and sends him on his way. The best thing Teddy could do for Vince is to build a couple of dual side airbags into Vince's slacks, in the case the owner gets the bright idea of storming the ring like he did last year.

 

We then see Candice, Torrie and Victoria backstage with the tumbler. Vince's Devils will apparently be handling balls tonight. They can start with mine. (like you weren't thinking the same thing.).

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Holy shit. Remember Vince's Devils? I forgot those three were a stable. I guess Vince dumped the idea of a Charlie's Angels knockoff because he found out that NO ONE EVER SAW CHARLIE, AND THAT'D MEAN HE'D HAVE TO NOT BE SEEN ON FUCKING TELEVISION. Can't have that...]

 

Randy Orton comes in next and picks his number and smiles. HHH then follows suit and makes light of Orton, saying he’s taking the whole thing, before drawing a number he’s not too crazy about. He then seeks solace in the fact that he'll still be working the Main Event at Wrestlemania regardless of whether he wins the Rumble or not...

 

[Sean's note from 2007: What am I, a Genius? A Wizard?]

 

-Mickie James enters Trish’s locker room and reveals that she loves her. Sadly, Trish has the opposite reaction I've been programmed to believe. No saxophone music began to wail, no one took off their clothes, and there was no pizza man to show up at exactly the right time with tear away pants. Porn COULD NOT have lied to me. 

 

Mickie James w/confused lesbian emotions Vs. Ashley w/ Emotional angst ridden boyfriend, Trish Stratus as Referee;

 

Bah. Personally, I’d rather have seen the Mickie/Trish rematch to close out their Single White Female storyline (bar the nudity. Get with the program WWE. You can’t do obsessive dyke lust without bare titties!). This alternative is a little more scary. Putting these two in the ring together is probably akin to crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.

 

Anyway, Trish of course is your Referee here, sporting an outfit I’d lose my lunch over if ever adopted by any other WWE Officials. As for the match itself; I could try to explain to you using flowery words to describe how completely abysmal it was, or I could just punch you right in the soul. The latter better describes what I had to sit through.

 

The story here was Mickie constantly looking for Trish’s 'approval' after getting offense, but getting no reaction from Trish. Ashley eventually comes back, and even hits a crucifix for two. However, Botchamania is running wild here, and the crowd soon turns on Ashley while she was mounted punching Mickie in the corner. Mickie however countered this into a stiff powerbomb, and after Ashley finally realized this was indeed the part where she actually puts her own shoulders down, Trish awkwardly counts the most butchered three count in history, as Jackie Gayda sits at home shaking her head in disgust. Damn.

 

Winner: Mickie James. I don’t know what they thought they’d accomplish here with Ashley and her patented “catch-as-catch-can’t” wrestling stylings, but I guess they just want to milk her for all she’s worth (I’ll volunteer for that job!) before her eventual Playboy shoot and release a year from now (if History has taught us anything). But whatever; my penis seemed to enjoy it. And normally there’s just no pleasing that guy!

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Turns out Ashley is NOW posing for Playboy. Her wrestling however hasn't really improved much, but whatever. I'm personally convinced that the reason Lita and Ashley blew so many spots in the ring, is because common boyfriend Matt Hardy secretly drains their athletic ability like a vampire to fuel his immortality. Or not. Whichever.]

/5

 

-Backstage, Vince proves (and doesn’t just write it to make himself look better) that ALL WWE DIVAS LOVE HIM, by inspecting the tattoos of Candice, Torrie, and Victoria. Perversely enough, even Chloe the dog apparently had one on its hind quarters which strangely gave Vince a charge. (Hey, maybe Kurt ain’t the only guy in WWE into “dirty bestiality sex”).

 

Big Show comes in next to draw, but can’t get his banana hands in the tumbler because THEY’RE LIKE SKILLETS~!Anyway, Candice does him a solid and picks his number for him. Rey then enters, and Show gives him a cordial greeting. Wait. Wasn’t it like 2 months ago that Show chokeslammed Rey on his dead best friend’s car? You know, most people don't get over that kind of stuff. "Hey, haha, remember when you destroyed my best friend's most prized posession by hurling my tiny body through it before his body was even cold? HILARIOUS! We should do lunch sometime! We can cook it in your hands!" THEY'RE LIKE SKILLETS~!

 

Anyway, Rey chooses his number, and shakes his head and blames Eddie in heaven for messing up his number (seriously). Call me crazy, but somehow I think Eddie has better things to do in paradise then return to our mortal coil and fuck with Rey’s ball.

 

JBL w/ Jillian Hall w/o mole Vs. Boogeyman w/ worms w/o teeth;

 

Apparently Boogeyman has garnered a taste for moles! Could Tod Gordon possibly be next? And could I make more jokes that only 5 people understand? You betcha. Anyway, you’d think with all JBL’s money he could have had that pesky mole taken care of. Or Hell, since he’s a wrestling "God" and all, you’d think he’d just lay hands on her (guess where I’d start?) and heal her up with his divine powers. But hey, I guess his miracles only stretch as far as having a barely two star match with Batista this past Summer…

 

In any event, since this match obviously ain’t gonna be no Steamboat vs. Flair, I thought I’d kill some time and look at a REAL DREAM MATCH: The Wrestling God against who else?…but GOD himself! It’s the old Tale O’ the Tape, so let’s see how ol’ JBL matches up miracle for miracle with the Heavenly Father. It’s God Vs. God as we go to the tape!

 

Tale O’ The Tape: JBL Vs. God

 

God: Created the World in 6 days.

JBL: destroyed the credibility of the World (title) in 270 days…

 

God: Gave Job a pretty hard time.

JBL: Gave Blue Meanie of the JOB squad a pretty hard time.

 

God: Parted the Red Sea

JBL: Allegedly parted a few rookies ass cheeks in the WWE locker room…

 

God: Inspired Moses to lead his people through the Desert.

JBL: Inspired apathy while being on top of a deserted roster…

 

God: Appeared to Moses as a burning bush.

JBL: Has a burning desire to be George W. Bush

 

God: Is said to end the world at Armageddon

JBL: It felt like the world was ending when he retained the World Title at Armageddon…2004…on pay-per-view.

 

God: Punishes sinners to Hell

JBL: Punishes Mexicans with the Clothesline from Hell…

 

God: Decreed Sunday as a day of rest.

JBL: Uses a shitload of boring rest-holds every PPV Sunday.

 

God: Passes eventual judgment on humanity.

JBL: Passes ridiculous judgment on WWE newcomers with Wrestlers court.

 

God: "And then there was light. And it was good."

JBL: "And then there was 10 month main event push. And it was bad."

 

God: Convinced Abraham to begin the tradition of circumcision.

JBL: Probably knows whether half the guys in the locker room are circumcised…

 

God: Made Eve from Adam’s rib.

JBL: One Eve in 1998, pulled a “rib” on Adam (Copeland) by soaping his ass in the shower…

 

God: Created Woman.

JBL: is currently managed by a Woman who was created... on a plastic surgeons table.

 

God: Unleashed a destructive plague upon Egypt.

JBL: Unleashed a destructive plague upon the WWE by the forcing us to sit through high profile Orlando Jordan matches…

 

God: Forged the Ten Commandments out of stone.

JBL: Forged his own path after WWE fired a stoned Faarooq.

 

God: Declared the Jews as his chosen people.

JBL: Was declared an asshole by many Jews for goose-stepping in Germany.

   

God: Many people are skeptical about his actual existence.

JBL: Many people are skeptical about his actual talent…

 

Ah, I kid, JBL. I am actually a  huge fan believe it or not, and am really entertained by him. I just enjoy ribbing the guy (with my pants on. Take some notes, eh?).

 

Anyway, the match. That’s right, there was a match here (coulda fooled me, though). JBL stalls early, and only gets the brief advantage after Boogey goes after Jillian and pukes worms on her cleavage. I think I did the same thing to a chick at a college party once. JBL attacks from behind, and Boogey ridiculously oversells everything. After punishing Boogey on the floor, JBL gets him back in the ring, and goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Boogey ducks and JBL eats the post. Boogey than cinches up JBL with his pump handle slam and gets the clean win. Wow.

 

Winner: Boogeyman, and your local bait and tackle store.

/5

 

-Backstage, Vince gets goosed on the ass presumably by The Devils, but it turns out to be Shelton’s Mama, who's referred to as such by Vince.  Apparently she goes by the name “Mama” in all walks of life. Kind of like how I'm universally referred to as 'Asshole' ...only not as hurtful. *sob*.

 

Shelton then comes in and picks his number and looks pleased. He also promises to eliminate HBK for Vince. From there, Melina comes in, and flirts with Shelton, who is then dragged away by Mama. Melina then of course flirts with Vince, because let's face it, Grandfathers EXUDE sexiness. Nothing's a bigger aphrodisiac for the ladies than a man who's slowly losing the muscle control in his bowels! (and speaking of which, shouldn't "Depends" be called "for sure"? When you're talking about shitting your pants, I wouldn't be taking any chances....)

 

Anyway, Melina asks Vince to look into her situation on SmackDown. MNM then draw their numbers and also promise Vince to eliminate HBK. My suggestion is wrapping him in one of their jackets and throwing him into a PETA rally.

 

The Royal Rumblus!

 

Really weird card placement here. Lillian is about to explain the rules of the Rumble for those who can’t grasp a simplistic concept explained ad nauseam for almost two decades… but she’s interrupted by Vince’s latest brain-fart: The Spirit Squad. Brutal. Sometimes I think Vince is just like that kid who burns ants with a magnifying glass just to amuse himself. Anyway, the Squad puts on a cheer and the crowd goes mild. Your WWE Dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen!

 

Finally, Lillian is able to explain the rules for us! And guess what. Dudes still get thrown over the ropes to the floor. Thanks, Lil.

 

We learn that the new man will enter every 90 seconds, as opposed to the usual 2 minutes, and here’s the reason why: HHH draws number 1, and takes half the fucking Rumble time with his entrance alone. Number 2 is Rey Mysterio, who is driving Eddie’s low-rider for the cheap pop. WWE thankfully doesn’t catch the 18 inch cinderblocks attached to Rey’s feet on camera that help him reach the pedals.

 

And we’re on! Rey baffles HHH early on with some lucha goodness including a swinging headscissors. Countdown now, and # 3 is Simon Dean! Dean goes after Rey right away, then looks for Trips approval with the high five, but HHH knocks him out and throws him over the ropes instead. As it turns out, Triple H was infuriated with him because Stephanie drank some of Dean's fat burning Fitno powder, and she completely disappeared! Chances are I just wanted to just say that joke.

 

Countdown again, and it’s Mexicool member Psicosis at #4, sans lawn mower. Too bad. I recently was sad to learn that all landscapers don’t possess complicated high-flying lucha abilities like The Mexicools. Too bad, too. Imagine how much easier you could get down off the roof after cleaning an eavestrough if you could moonsault.

 

Anyway, Psicosis lasts about as long as it took you to read that joke, as Rey counters an attempted powerbomb into a rana to send Psicosis back over the border. Count down again, and it’s NAITCH at #5. Flair goes right after Triple H, lighting him up with chops, before grabbing his balls with the testicular claw. Good thing HHH made that Billion dollar sperm count before this match. Flair then stupidly charges HHH, but gets back body dropped over and eliminated. But hey, it’s a pay day right? (Well, until the IRS and/or Beth tackles him the parking lot and takes his wallet.)

 

Countdown for #6, and Wellllll, it’s the Big Show! something, something, that you’ll never know~! Show and his giant mitten go after HHH right away. Show then does what every retard for the last 18 years has done, and that’s press a guy (HHH in this case) over his head, but not dump him over the ropes. Show then chokeslams HHH. Count down and it’s Coach at #7...who gets tossed out almost immediately by Show.  #8 is Bobby Lashley! He has muscles in places that most people don’t have places! And from there he has little holes in those places that help make his muscles! Wellness~!

 

Lashley goes into full Blackberg mode and starts killing people. Kane is in next at #9, and he and Lashley trade shots. Lashley who is still pretend undefeated (he got pinned in a match at Survivor Series that we’re obviously supposed to forget) gets Kane up in the Dominator. #10 is Sylvan the model. Lashley however eliminates him in short order. Man, and he didn’t even get to debut BLUE STEEL~ either. Mugatu is going to be pissed! Kane & Big Show then sneak up on Lashley and dump him out. They then turn on each other, and both try to teeter the other out on the ropes. HHH however says 'fuck this' and just pitches both out.

 

Count down again and it’s Carlito at #11! If I was Carlito, I’d have adhered Velcro to the ring ropes before the show, that way no one would be able to toss me out. Chris Benoit is in at # 12 and dishes out Germans like they were…something humorous related to Germans? I don’t know. Carlito wrangles out of his German, but gets the crossface instead. Booker draws #13, coming to the ring sporting long tights to hide his injury ravaged "lazy legs" (Tm. Bret Hart, 1998). Benoit immediately dumps out Booker in short order. Speaking of short order, if only Benoit had been working as a short order cook for Wendy's when Book was a teenager. He could have saved Dave Thomas a lot of grief.

 

 #14 is Joey Mercury of MNM. Apparently he’s dating Christie Hemme in real life. Man, if they ever have children, they'll have to cut a hole through the skylight just so that kid can fit his head in the car. Nothing of note really happens for the next minute and a half, and here’s the countdown again, and it’s TATANKA at #15. Tatanka goes berserk and starts tomahawk chopping everything that moves like it’s 1993 over all again! The crowd starts a “respectful” war cry in Tatanka’s honor. Ah, God bless the last shred of mass racism allowed in America today. #16 comes in, and it’s Johnny Nitro, the only other dude other than the Ghost of Christmas Present that can pull off a fucking fur coat.

 

#17 is up, and it’s Trevor Murdoch, who has obviously spent the better part of the weekend mummified, and not on the Beach. I'm not going to say the dude's pale or anything, but everyone in that ring could probably tell you the exact contents of his stomach.

He of course goes right after Tatanka. Sometimes stereotypes make sense, what can I say. Both HHH and Rey almost eliminate each other several times, until the buzzer goes off and it’s Eugene! Reformed from drugs, but apparently still struggling with that whole ‘being a retard’ thing. More flailing limbs and dudes holding in other dudes while secretly pretending to push them about abounds until we get our next countdown, and #19 is Road Warrior Animal! He quickly goes to work on Hunter, hitting a big powerslam.

 

Countdown again, and at #20 it’s RVD, running to the ring (leaving a trail of Cheetos crumbs and Funyun bags in his wake) to a HUGE pop. RVD starts kicking everything that moves, and sends fat Animal back into hibernation (he's bulking up for the long winter!) after ducking a charge and hitting a back body drop. Countdown, and #21 is Orlando Jordan! Is he a face? Is he a Heel? Why he's been known to go both ways! #22 is Chavo Guerrero who gets a great ovation. Chavito gets the Three Amigos on Johnny Nitro, and goes up for the Frog splash, but is pushed out by HHH. Well, that was depressing.

 

#23 is Matt Hardy. MNM get the Snapshot on Tatanka and that's it for the full blooded lumbering  Lumbee Indian. Super Crazy in at #24 now, hitting a top rope cross body on MNM. #25 is Shawn Michaels, and considering the entire Roman theme here tonight, I’m kinda terrified of what Vince might do to him. I guess we'll know something's up if Duggan is in this thing and comes out with two 2X4's....

 

HBK goes after everybody from there, and pitches out Murdoch. Count down again, and it’s Chris Masters at #26. And Viscera follows suit at the DREADED # 27 POSITION. Which either means he’s gonna win the whole thing...or Die…or both. For the record, Viscera is wearing his tribute pair of Men on Mission (to consume as much food as possible) PJ’s here. Viscera crushes Matt Hardy with a Soman Drop, then dry humps him. TNA is looking pretty good right now, eh Matt? Matt recovers from the simulated rape and goes for the Twist of Fate, but Vis shrugs him off and Matt can continue not dying from the arena floor. Almost immediately after, Benoit violently tosses Eugene.  I think it's safe to say, Chris Benoit won't be hosting the Special Olympics anytime soon.  Also, somewhere in the chaos, Super Crazy was dumped too, but I don’t recall from whom.

 

#28 is Shelton Benjamin. GOLDUST makes his return at #29 and Randy Orton is your #30. All participants in the ring now. Benoit gets tossed out by Orton to the boos of the crowd. RKO hits Big Vis with the RKO, and Masters & Carlito dump his big ass out. However, hilariously, Carlito dumps Masters over, betraying him for the 2nd time inside a month. RVD eliminates Goldust next with a spinkick, and from there OJ battles Orton in the corner. It’s Metrosexual Vs. Bisexual and something has to give! (it’s Jordan). OJ gets tossed (like a salad?). I’ll be here all week ladies and gentlemen! HBK wriggles his way out of MNM’s snap shot from there and dumps both men. This brings out Vince, who smartly chooses to not Crocodile Mile his way into the Rumble ring this year and simultaneously blow out every muscle in his body. Good thinking. Vince distracts Shawn long enough for Shane McMahon to sneak up from behind and dump HBK. Michaels gets pissed, and chases Shane back in the ring, but HHH helps out brother-in-law with an attempted pedigree. HBK however back-drops out of it and superkicks HHH for good measure, before giving chase to the McMahons. From there, Carlito goes for his unnamed finisher on RVD, but Rob counters that and sends Carlito up and over.

 

This leaves Rey with a shitload of acronyms in RVD, HHH & RKO as your Final Four. RVD & Rey team up, and deliver some cool tandem offense. No one on commentary mentions they were Tag team Champions the last time we saw RVD in the ring, so I will.  RVD looks to go up for the five star on Orton, but HHH sends Rey cascading into him on the top and he spills over. Orton & HHH form an alliance and destroy Rey from there. They then turn on each other and after a powerslam to the Game, Orton looks for the RKO, but that’s countered and Triple H catches Orton with a spinebuster. Trips then turns his attention to Rey, and picks him up in hopes of ditching him out, but somehow Rey counters and uses a head/body scissors to pull Triple H out! Wow.

 

This just leaves Orton & Rey. But Triple H is infuriated, and he pulls Rey out, and sends him careening into the steps before rolling his body back in for Orton. Orton has a smile on his face, as Cole puts over the fact that HHH may have just given the Rumble to him. Orton picks Rey up in a powerslam position and tries to throw him out, but Rey counters and headscissors Orton out to pick up the win!

 

Winner: Rey Mysterio, who lasted over an hour. If only he'd have just climbed right into the tumbler and picked a better number, his road to Wrestlemania might have been a little easier...

/5

 

-Backstage in the Instant Access area (not Lita), Trish is online when Mickie comes in thanking her for "doing the right thing". Trish then goes after her to “explain a few things”. Stop fighting it Trish. Give in. (but make sure it’s on camera when you do.)

 

-Rey is seen now coming through the curtain, where he is congratulated by Dean Malenko, Chavo and Benoit. Edge interrupts the moment and says he’ll beat Rey if he decides to jump to RAW to challenge at Mania. This segues into him saying he’ll beat Cena, and that he’s a “Sexual Tyrannosaurs”. Sexual Tyrannosaurs? I can't imagine what that Jurrasic Park would be like. And you thought the Raptors did damage before!

 

But seriously, no disrespect to Edge, but if anyone’s a T-Rex in the WWE, it’d be Benoit, I think. I mean, really ferocious with little tiny arms? Come on!

 

Edge w/ Lita Vs. John Cena w/ 30% more fans: WWE Championship.

 

Here we have the Battle of Doctor of Thuganomics versus a man… in need of a Doctor dealing in the advanced stages of sexually transmitted diseases? Sounds about right. (You know, one of these days I’ll run out of STD jokes. But let’s hope that’s not too soon.).

 

With that said, in the wake of all this, WWE has since been desperately trying to salvage what’s left of John Cena’s babyface credibility, using every trick in the book to make us love him again  …bar hiring the Alien threat from Roddy Piper’s “They Live” to subliminally influence us*Obey* all to universally accept *Obey* Cena as our *Obey* hero. I for one *Obey* think that they’re doing a great *Obey*job.

 

A hydraulic bridge lowers and John Cena makes his entrance with all sort of bells and whistles. I'd have thought an Alien spacecraft type entrance would have suited say JBL more, myself. After all, he's been known to probe a few people in his day (JBL joke HIJACK~!) Edge is out next, to much less fanfare, but Joey Styles does mention how high the ratings have been since Edge got the belt…which of course makes the booking of this one a real head scratcher (or pounder in my case.)

 

Cena dominates early on, until Edge regains the momentum on the floor when he uses Lita as a human shield. Edge then spears Cena sandwiching him against the stairs. Edge sends Cena into the crowd from there and almost gets the count out win. Cena back in at 9 however. Edge rams Cena into the stairs again, then gets him back inside, and hits a top rope dropkick. Edge then sets up Cena on the top, perhaps for a superplex, but Cena shrugs him off, and goes for a flying leg drop (West Newbury Jam?... which for the record is what all the old white people in his “hood” sell during their quaint summertime yard sales.).

 

Cena rebounds and almost gets an FU from there, but Edge goes to the eyes, yo,  then heads up for a cross body…which Cena rolls through for a close near fall. Edge then applies a rear naked choke but Cena gets out by getting to his feet, and ramming Edge into the buckles several times. Edge tries a spear soon after, but Cena avoids it and hits a big DDT. Protobomb follows, then the Five knuckle shuffle, as guys wake up in the crowd and suddenly remember why they hated this guy in the first place. Cena has the cover OFF A FUCKING FIST DROP, but Lita has the referee tied up. Cena goes after Lita, but sees an Edge charge coming, and Edge instead collides with Lita, then walks right into a FU, before Cena gets the STFU for the submission? WHAT THE FUCK. Stubborn fucking WWE assholes.

 

Winner & *NEW* WWE champion: John Cena. You can’t see him! (If only this were true.)

 

[Sean's note from 2007: Gee Sean, overreact much? John Cena would of course somewhat reinvent himself, trading in his parachute pants for an actual parachuteas a Marine! Strangely, the spinner belt remains. Perhaps only to make the terrorists nauseating dizzy before he kills them? I don't know.]

/5

 

-Backstage Tard Grisham tries to catch a word with Edge & Lita. Edge has no time for him, but Lita stays behind briefly to be confronted by Hacksaw Jim Duggan for the “Hooooooo!” pay off. However, my question is this; why doesn't Jim Duggan ever wear pants? I mean EVER? Dude's not even wrestling tonight, and he's practically freeballing it.

 

-Josh Matthews catches up with Kurt Angle. Angle says he can beat Henry in ways not even invented yet, before telling him he sucks. If only there was a way Kurt could invent a way to defeat Henry where we'd actually not have to see the match. If only.

 

Kurt Angle w/ pot belly of solid muscle Vs. Mizark Henry w/ pecs that wrap around his entire body; World Heavyweight Title Match;

 

Who are we to judge Mark Henry’s title push? Just because his lumbering uncoordinated ways put the biggest star on the brand on the shelf, he had his most physically grueling bout ever with an inanimate steel cage door, and has no discernable talent in his strangely disproportioned body, doesn’t mean he don’t deserve a crack at the brand’s top belt. Oh wait. Yes it does. I stand corrected.

 

Angle sure has his work cut out for him here. I’d use the old Ric Flair “broomstick” analogy, but sadly “Toilet brush” seems a little more apropos. And Henry more than lives up to this hype, believe me.

 

Anyway, prior to the bout, Cole, in the most retarded hyperbole EVER, says “Here we have what I consider the Main Event!”; the fact it's the LAST FUCKING MATCH ON THE SHOW notwithstanding. 

 

Kurt starts off trying to take Henry down, but big Mizark keeps shrugging him off. Daivari eventually gets involved, and Henry nearly puts Kurt away with a big splash. It’s only been three minutes so it’s REST HOLD time, as Henry grabs Angle in a Bear hug. Speaking of Bears, Tazz states that Henry resembles a bear in an awkward moment. If only that were true. It’s still legal to hunt bears, right? Hand me my rifle.

 

Anyway, Angle eventually counters the bear hug by hip-locking Mark over. Angle goes up top from there, but gets caught, presumably for Henry’s World’s strongest slam or whatever clown-shoes name the Office has labeled it. Angle however counters out and gets the ankle lock, but Daivari is up on the apron, and Mizark powers out. Angle follows up with a huge German (not this) and the Angle Slam, but that only gets two. A ref bump follows soon after, and Angle retrieves a chair, lays Daivari out with it, but Henry catches the chair in mid-swing when Kurt tries to use it on him. From there, since it takes all the blood in his swollen body to tear phone books in half, and only 1% of it is reaching his brain, Mizark puts the chair down, allowing Angle to pick it back up and waffle Henry twice with it. Angle revives the referee but only gets two. Angle, now in desperation, unties the middle buckle and ends up drop toe-holding Henry into it, and picks up the win with a school boy roll up. Dear lord.

 

Winner & still champion: Kurt Angle. And now that this bit of unpleasantness is done, Angle can hopefully move onto Wrestlemania, and Henry and his cornrows can return to 1987 and finish systematically decimating Arnold Schwarzenegger’s platoon.

 

/5

 

-After the match, Angle is celebrating when the lights go out. And it’s Undertaker! He no sells death so what’s a little hepatitis, right? Taker rides out on a chariot, and makes a machination that he wants the belt. He then uses his super natural powers to destroy the ring with lightning, until it collapses in a heap. It's too bad he couldn't have saved a bolt for Mark Henry, that way he could have incinerated him and we'd be spared ever having to sit through another match like that. Jesus.

 

End show.

 

Final Thoughts: To use an analogy, this PPV was like getting a blowjob. It built up slowly but pleasantly at the beginning, and by the Rumble it built almost to climax, but just when you think you’re about to cum, here’s the last two matches to bite off your cock and spit it in your face. Ok, that was a terrible analogy. But it pretty much summed up the evening for me. The Rumble delivered, and the opening CW match was decent, but the rest ranged from disappointing to out and out abortion. There was NO discernable reason to take the title off of Edge since his reign was actually drawing, but hey, we all know what Vince REALLY wants his Wrestlemania Main Event to be. I’ve seen worse pay-per-views (although Angle Vs. Henry might be the worst WWE main event EVER) but I came away disappointed by the end. I just can’t give this show a thumbs up in good conscience.

 

I’m Sean.

 

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.


WWE
ROYAL RUMBLE
2005 
(01/30/05)

Hey there, Cowboy. I’m Sean Carless, and this is your super late Royal Rumble Rant. Excuse me for my tardiness, but I’ve just recovered from a very unique evening. See, normally, our own Dr. Gonzo is the only guy responsible for drug-induced recaps, but after being left in the lurch earlier by a few friends, I decided to saddle the ol’ dragon all by myself, and get bombed on some really lousy beer I bought from the liquor store earlier today (Three Stooges brand, baby. Cheap, and hits your liver harder than a Mo Howard pimp slap). So, anyway, here I was… alone, a bag of stale smart food by my side, smoking a bowl, wearing a track suit that made me look like a homeless gym teacher, and watchin' the Ol' Royal Rumble. It was good times. So, with that said, excuse me if I seem a little incoherent, but I’m just going on fumes here (literally), and may not remember EVERY aspect of the Rumble itself….bar Rey Mysterio apparently turning into the rabbit from Donnie Darko at about 10:26 pm Eastern time and terrifying me into sobriety REAL quick…..

 Tonight’s pay-per-view comes to us from Fresno! Home of...something? I don't know. 

 

Onto the show~!

 

Edge, with furious anger. (You think you know him?) vs. HBK with FORGIVENESS, thanks to the loving embrace of our lord and savior;

 

First and foremost, you gotta love that Shawn Michaels is still rockin' the name Heartbreak Kid at 40 years of age. I can just picture him at 80 with the same nickname, and wearing a colostomy bag with pictures of little broken hearts on it. It'll be a scene.

 

This match started slowly, but that was mainly due to the fact that both men would be pulling double duty tonight and also competing in the Rumble (Fun fact: Brock Lesnar and Bret Hart are the only two wrestlers in history to wrestle a match first than come back to win the Rumble that same night. Funner fact: THEY DON'T EXIST ANYMORE! Vince burnt the tapes YEARS ago!).

 

Back and forth match ensues, and Edge decides he is going to take a powder, and HBK, hears POWDER? WHERE? and goes out  after him in look of the alleged blow, then remembers he made an oath to Jesus, and thinks better of it. Ok, maybe not. HBK just goes out after him, but ends up eating a spear on the floor.

 

Michaels eventually makes it back in, but Edge is waiting, and HE tunes the band, and hits a HUGE spear on Michaels…but Shawn kicks out at two. Man, you'd think after all of his own menacing stomping in the corner for like 12 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT, that HBK would have known there was nothing but pain waiting for him if he turned around. "Hey, that stomping sound sounds real familiar! And well, I'm standing here, so it's not me. Huh. Maybe I better turn around and see where it's coming from?...BLARRRRRRRRRRGGGH".

 

Anyway, after HBK kicks out of his patented flying hug of death, Edge is distraught, and begins to rip his own hair out, although I think it’s done to just make HBK feel better about his own follicle situation. Maybe? from there, Michaels rallies, and gets the top rope elbow, and tunes up the band himself, but I guess he lost his little Orchestra baton, because as he looks to connect with the chin-music, Edge ducks out and scoops HBK up on his shoulders and nails him with a quick electric-chair drop. This is how Ted Bundy was executed I heard. His Uncle "King Kong" is still distraught about it to this day.

 

From there, Edge then applies the “edgecator” leg lock, that JR calls… well, nothing, again. Come on, Jim! You know every single sun-fucked college football player on earth, and what fucking hat size they wear over their fucking swollen noggins, but you can’t just ASK Edge what his fucking hold is called? What gives? Michaels ends up getting to the ropes, but Edge pulls him back into the middle where Michaels gets a quick two off a counter into a small package. Michaels then tries to cradle Edge, but Edge rolls through, and grabs the ropes for the win. Michaels stares a hole through Edge as he leaves.  Oh, come on, Shawn. Let he who hasn't sinned get stoned on GHB. Wait, that's not how it goes...

 

Winner: Edge. You think you know him? You know what he allows you to know. You're just a puppet. And a pretty damned life-like one if you ask me. Wait, what were we talking about again?

/5

 

-Backstage, respective GM’s Eric Bischoff and Teddy Long argue over whose brand will prevail tonight. Torrie and Christie Hemme are here, and are your *official* ball-handlers this evening; and even for me, this joke is too easy to comment on.

 

-Eddie Guerrero, wearing the 2nd greatest suit in wrestling history, (Nikolai Volkoff’s post cold-war threads still rank number one with me. When communism fell, apparently so did every reputable Big and Tall store in the country) comes in to pick his number. Ric Flair then also comes in, and they both draw their respective numbers. Flair is happy with his number, but Eddie is apparently not. Guerrero then gives Ric a congratulatory hug…where he picks Flair’s pocket and switches numbers with him! Eddie quickly leaves, and Flair braggingly displays his number (not realizing Eddie switched) to Christie and Torrie, who then shoot him a look like he had just been swimming in a cold pool. Flair then looks at the paper and freaks out as he sees that he accidentally has Eddie’s prescription for Somas! Ah, I kid.

 

- Gene Snitsky approaches Heidenreich in the locker room, and tells him that he “likes” him. Snitsky then reveals that he too, like Heidenreich, doesn’t like caskets (yet, is surprisingly ok with putting children in them). Bottom line is Snitsky has a plan. (which I'd assume doesn't involve him washing his shirts...EVER. That's some nasty shit going on there).

 

Undertaker w/ druids vs. Heidenreich w/ the lost dignity of Michael Cole: CASKET MATCH

 

The Druids roll the casket to ringside on behalf of their master, The Undertaker. Although, I never realized that Houston Texas actually had a druid population. Bass fishin’….Rodeo….and witchcraft? What the fuck is wrong with this picture? Anyway, Taker’s 30 minute intro aside, this match finally gets underway. These two have wrestled almost every night for the last two months, so no one embarrasses themselves…too badly. Taker dominates early until Snitsky runs in for the assist, and the two double team the Deadman. Heidenreich: “I like what you do to babies!” Snitsky: “ I like what you do to…  rectums?” Ok, maybe not.  Anyway, Team Abortion looks to roll Taker into the casket, when Kane all of a sudden emerges and takes out Snitsky. But hey, logically speaking, did  Kane just lock himself inside the casket in the random case some shit went down? I mean, seriously? It's times like this that I start to really get the inkling that wrestling may be predetermined. Then I see Undertaker make some magic and I am convinced of its legitimacy again.

 

....At this point, a sudden case of the munchies (go figure) caused me to quickly duck out and grab a Submarine sandwich. I asked for mustard, and as the guy squeezed the tube, about half a pound of oil squirted all over my sandwich first. I hate it when that happens. But it is kind of a metaphor for this night so far. I don’t know exactly what metaphor that would be, but an oily sub has to mean something bad.

 

-Anyway, thanks to the miracle of videotape, I now continue on with this recap….

 

Both Kane and Snitsky depart the scene, leaving Taker and Heidy, one on one. With both men on the floor, Heidenreich pulls back the outside mat and rolls the casket into Taker’s head as he lay hunched against the ring apron. The crowd chants holy shit, and I feel sorry for them for that. Back inside, Heidenreich tries to apply a cobra clutch… but forgets how to do it for a second. Never a good sign when it’s your fucking finisher. “Excuse me,  Mr. Opponent, but could you maybe stay stunned so I can try and figure out how to do this properly? Awesome. Wait. That's not it. How but this? Damn. Hold tight, there. I'll be right with ya. Thanks a bunch.” Anyway, Heidenreich tries to roll Taker into the casket, but Taker returns from the dead (HIYO), and makes his comeback. He sandwiches Heidy’s head in the casket, and drops a leg drop on it. For whatever reason this is frowned upon at most funerals. Strange.   Heidenreich briefly rallies and hits the blackhole (of workrate) slam, then goes for a pin. YES, A PIN. I guess 2/3rds of his brain haven't thawed out yet from being cryogenically frozen since 1945. Oh wait. they aborted that gimmick. Now he's just a poet who enjoys anal sex (Does Lanny Poffo know about this blatant trademark infringement!?). Still though, Taker comes back, hits a slippery chokeslam (Heidenreich and his buttery turkey-like skin slipped from his grasp in mid-lift) and finally finishes Heidenreich with a tombstone and rolled him into the casket, to get the win. Hopefully by the time Heidenreich reaches the morgue, someone will have the good sense to get this guy some pants. I can't imagine being laid to rest for Eternity in fucking tiny red Speedos.

 

In a side note, I finally realize why Taker has worn long pants for 15 years. He has my grandfather’s legs. (and the black ankle socks aren’t exactly helping his cause either. Just saying).

 

Winner: THE UNDERTAKER and elderly foot apparel stores across the country!

/5

 

-Backstage, Teddy Long makes Eddie give back Flair’s number. But if Teddy really wanted a SD! guy to win so badly, why wouldn’t he just go along with the scam? IT MAKES NO SENSE. Anyway, Flair vows revenge, and HHH (who’s on the scene along with Batista) calls Eddie a “jumping bean.” He then high fives Ultimate Warrior, and the two walk away hand in hand knocking over Mexicans as they leave. Ok, maybe this just happened in my version.

 

-Anyway, HHH wants to go over Evo’s strategy for Randy Orton with Flair and DAVE, but Batista wants to go draw his number instead. TENSION. Clearly, a trip to obedience school is order for The Animal here. Think about it, HHH. He'll not only come when you call, roll over on command, and no longer require a leash; but he'll even soon be able to groom himself! Thank the lord for that last one.

 

-Backstage, Christian draws a number he’s happy with, when John Cena enters and the two have words. Christian declares that anyone can freestyle rap, and asks Tomko to give him a beat…to which he hilariously says “no.”  Christian then goes into a Barney Rubble-esque rap (You know, “I’m Barney Rubble and I’m here to say..I love fruity pebbles in a major way.”  And if you haven’t ever seen that commercial, I’m either really old, or pathetic…or both.) Cena then retorts with one of his own, complete with a slew of gay jokes. Man, I just hate lowbrow comedy like that! *Ahem*

 

Big Show w/ hands like FRYING PANS vs. Kurt Angle w/ head shaped like a bowling ball vs. © John Bradshaw Layfield w/fingers that smell like Billy Silverman. WWE Title match.

 

Personally, I think they should have just had Big Show vs. JBL one on one, and saved Patch Angle from having to completely disintegrate in the middle of the ring. I mean, really, rather then having another Divas Search, they seriously need to use that money to hire that medical team that turned Lee Majors into the fucking six-million dollar man. “We can rebuild him…we have the technology!” Or, maybe, I just want to hear THIS sound as he transitions into the ankle-lock....

 

Anyway, as per every JBL match, gimmicked spots like tables breaking are peppered through out to disguise the fact that he can’t really work a great main event match. Typical three way stuff here, where two men go at it while the third man lays unconscious on the floor. In this case, it’s Big Show, who attempted to choke-slam JBL through the announce table, but Angle makes the save, causing Big Show to take the ol’ King Kong back bump through said table to temporarily incapacitate him. Show eventually recovers and manhandles both men, even slamming Angle on top of JBL at one point, probably marking the first time someone’s turned the tables and actually forced a man on top of Bradshaw….

 

JBL and Angle however block a double choke-slam attempt by Show with a kick to the knees. The two then connect with a stereo chop block/clothesline from Hell combo from opposite sides to take the big man down. Angle then hits the Angle slam (who else’s would it be?) on Show, and follows that up with a big German (not this) on JBL that almost does him in, which is kind of ironic if you think about it. Angle covers Show but he kicks out. Show then disposes of Angle,  then choke-slams JBL, but he gets his (das) boot on the ropes.

 

Outside the ring, Show tackles JBL through a gimmicked part of the ringside barrier and returns into the ring where Angle has a chair…but Kurt miffs on a shot and ends up landing headfirst on the chair himself courtesy of Big Show.  Just then, Orlando Jordan, and JBL's "Secretaries of defense" The Bashams run in. I'd question what would possess JBL to ever hire these guys as his secret service, but then I remembered that at this time last year, Shaniqua was violating them with a fucking cat o' none tails. After that, taking a bullet for the boss is a mercy killing. Clearly. Anyway, they all get involved, and this brings out Angle's charges,  Luther Reigns, the man who can't be killed by blade nor bullet, and Mark Jindrak, whom I'd like to personally find out if he too possess the very same ability. And if not? Well, no harm no foul. Anyway, as 5 of the most heatless schmoes on earth all battle it out with Big Show, JBL is rolled back into the ring and he hits a quick clothesline from Hell's Kitchen on Angle who shatters into pieces like C-3PO, and JBL gets the pin. Luther then carries his master's remains backstage to try and reassemble him.

 

Winner and STILL Champion: JBL.

/5

 

-Sideshow Carlito approaches Batista about signing his "get Teddy Long fired" petition. Batista declines and stares down Carlito, who began chewing his apple. Batista then said “I LOVED you on the first American Idol! That Kelly Clarkson ROBBED you!” Ok, he didn’t really say that, but I’d have marked if he had. Actually, he reminded Carlito what he did to La Resistance with their Quebec flag. And with the latter in mind, if only we had men like Batista here in Canada. I’m pretty sure he’d have much more interesting solutions to our separatist problem. Even if they did involve anal penetration. (no wonder Patterson lives there!).

 

-Bischoff accuses Teddy Long of having too much interference in the previous title match, and promises the same won’t happen next, because Evolution is BANNED from ringside. That's right. There'll be no talk of man evolving from apes in his arena! Wait. He meant. Umm, never mind.

 

- A funny Wrestlemania 21 vignette airs with Eugene as Forrest Gump. Would have been a lot better with the supporting cast of Shelton Benjamin (Bubba) and Robert Conway (Lt. Dan) though.

 

© HHH Vs. Randy Orton  World Heavyweight Title

 

Turns out this is to be the big blow-off  between the former Evolution partners, instead of Wrestlemania. And speaking of "Evolution", clearly that is what has clearly played a part in getting us to this moment.  You see, originally, the organism known as Randy Orton, or "Chinlockus Maximus" as its better known, despite being somewhat hindered by its inability to hunt without the use of copious prolonged restholds, eventually evolved to the point where it was able to stand on its own two feet. Feet that could leap into the air and deliver picture-perfect dropkicks, but feet just the same. This of course made him it a threat to certain animals at the top of the food chain. You see, though natural selection is decidedly non-random in its manner of action, other more capricious forces have a strong hand in the process of evolution. Namely the creature known as "Triple H", or it's more common Latin derivative: "Title-Reignus Uninterruptus". This organism has a profound influence, and in many instances it overwhelms the effects of natural selection, and sabotages it by evolving or adapting itself. In this case, the Title-Reignus Uninterruptus has physically adapted to the point where its shoulders have evolved and grown to the point where it's virtually impossible for them to be laid flat on the ground for more than two consecutive seconds. This phenomenon, has made the Orton organism an endangered species, and fair game. GAME. TIME TO PLAY THE GAME. Bwahahaha.

 

I live to inform.

 

Anyway, HHH works the leg for quite a while, and even applies the figure four. Bonus points go to Orton for his ridiculous overselling of the pain. There’s quite a bit of squirming, some loud yelping, and even some dirty talk. In fact, it’s a lot like a porn movie… only Randy doesn’t have to go wash his face after the hold. Thank god. 

 

Orton of course then reverses the hold, and HHH is now in trouble. And still, 50 years after it was first done, it has yet to be explained why that's the case. Anyway, Orton sells the leg…for about 2 minutes…then goes airborne with a flying cross-body for two. Psychology? Nah, you just missed him. He should be back in thirty minutes! I'll tell him you called! Orton then looks for a DDT, but HHH holds onto the ropes and Orton hits his head, hard. Orton rolls out of the ring sporting the Lesnar look from WM 19. This was also the same look on my face when I saw Jason’s mother naked once. The referee then breaks the count to check on Orton. At this point they’re trying to convince us it’s a complete shoot…much to the detriment of the match’s pace which was good up until this point. Anyway, back inside, Orton is still woozy, and Baby Earl again checks on him. This gives Trips the chance to squash both from behind. YES. HEBNER, gets KNOCKED OUT, in a HHH match. Who'd have thunk it. Definitely not Earl. You'd think after being ran over every night for 7 years straight by this man, he'd learn to maybe not ever get that close to the fucking turnbuckles. I can just picture him having a post-show drink with Hugo & Carlos, and them all shaking their heads wondering "why them".

 

 With the ref out, HHH retrieves a sledgehammer from under the ring, (which WWE apparently keeps there on the off chance they can go mine some fucking iron-ore between matches). He charges at Orton, who’s since rolled out to the floor, but Randy drop-toe holds HHH into the post. HHH stumbles around, and Orton spots the hammer, and tries to use it, but is mowed down by Trips with a clothesline. Triple H now has the opportunity to use the hammer on Orton, but instead throws it aside in favor of..... CLEANLY PINNING him after a pedigree? Jesus. If WWE directed Die Hard, Alan Rickman would have just tossed McClane off the fucking roof like 5 minutes into the movie, and that'd have been that. HHH would then cut a promo for the next hour until credits.

 

Winner and STILL Champion: HHH; Loser: You, for buying that Randy Orton, “Man of destiny" T-shirt. What were you thinking?

/5

-Anyway, apparently from what I’ve read, WWE may spin this whole “concussion” business into an angle. But be warned, these types of angles usually end up with said wrestler talking to inanimate objects like mops or stick horses...you know…instead of the usual blood on the brain and death that follows REAL grievous head injuries.

 

[Sean's note from 2007: They didn't follow up on it. He just turned evil. I was so hoping he'd get some sort of puppet or inanimate object he could talk to. Mr. Hankey, maybe? IT JUST MAKES SENSE.]. 

 

-Nunzio is seen walking the hall announcing that he’s in the Rumble. Kurt Angle then approaches him, and it's a stare down between the former Sicilian shooter and the Olympic shooter. BUT WILL GUIDO SHOOT FIRST. This is a dilemma that only George Lucas knows the answer to. Or maybe that was Greedo. Whatever. Anyway, Angle knocks Nunzio out and steals his number so he himself can enter the Rumble. So, it’s okay for Angle to steal a number, but not Guerrero? What kind of lousy GM is Teddy Long anyway?...

 

[Sean's note from 2007: VERY. This is a guy who let his World Champion leave the brand, not to mention a half dozen others, and replaced them with overweight midgets, a leprechaun and the fucking Boogeyman. Enough said.].

 

-Teddy Long is talking with Bischoff again, when a drunken JBL and the cabinet enter. JBL is hilarious as he declares himself a "Wrestling God" repeatedly, and Long interrupts and declares that at No Way Out, JBL will defend the WWE Title against Big Show…in a barb-wire steel cage match. A steel cage that I strangely suspect will somehow be compared to a hungry animal. Call it a hunch.

 

The Royal Rumble Match

 

First and foremost, for the benefit of those who are either retarded or haven’t watched wrestling ever, Howard Finkel goes over the rules. Turns out you hit the floor, you lose. Imagine that.

 

Eddie Guerrero draws number one…and Chris Benoit draws number two. Tough break for Chris again this year. Although, I blame the fact that the length of his arms prohibited him from reaching too deep into the cylinder….

 

The two go at it for 2 minutes until the clock counts down. #3 is Daniel Puder, savior of the MMA world….who gets his ass flogged by Benoit and Guerrero….and then Bob Holly, who draws number 4. The three take turns lighting him up with chops before Holly dumps him out of the ring. All this proves to me is that open hand chops > triangle chokes and ankle picks. So what if you can apply a million different variations of an arm bar? Try withstanding the AWESOME power of the WORM, sometime! No dojo in the WORLD can prepare you for that kind of pain, mister! In fact, it's a known fact that the Gracie family relocated to Brazil because they were so deathly afraid of coming across guys who can pump up their shoes before awkwardly fist dropping them. True story. Oh ya, Holly gets pitched out by Guerrero & Benoit. Holly then hangs his head in shame before perking up and remembering that he still has the BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS. Which is worth something. Somewhere. To someone. I think.

 

Hurricane is out next but is quickly eliminated. Didn’t anyone tell you? Hurricanes are passť! The Tsunami’s where it’s at!

 

Kenzo Suzuki, Edge, Rey Mysterio, Shelton Benjamin, Booker T., Chris Jericho & Luther Reigns all come in, in that order, and the sides divide. We see the SmackDown vs. Raw gang fight as promised in the commercials, but no one wants to be the first one to start singing. What a shame.  They all go at it, as I remember that in the commercial, Benoit was the only RAW guy who didn’t get a nifty wig to wear. The Canadian conspiracy continues! Anyway, Muhammad Hassan comes in next, and everyone then stops what they’re doing, and extend a hand of goodwill and racial tolerance…by all stomping the shit out of the one Muslim guy. Blacks, whites, Latinos all working unison to crush the different guy! The American Dream lives on! They then all pick up Muhammad and pitch him out. And Allah be seeing you later! Thanks for coming. 

 

Orlando Jordan is next, followed by Scotty 2 Hotty, who apparently beat cancer to get into this Rumble (I’m not kidding). Muhammad Hassan then attacks Scotty from behind, and applies the camel clutch, vowing to finish the work his Lymph nodes could not. Anyway, Scotty and his one ball are apparently eliminated before even reaching the ring. Up next is Charlie Haas who was last seen admitting he cheated on Miss Jackie with Dawn Marie, before dumping them both. Forgot about that, didn’t you? That’s OK, so did WWE.  Booker T then gets eliminated by the tandem of Rey & Eddie next after pulling off a “Rumblerooni” as coined by JR. If only we were in San Francisco tonight instead of Fresno, I had a really terrible joke I wanted to use. (more so than usual...)

 

Rene Dupree is out next, accompanied by Fifi, a semi erection, and a small beard that appears to be spaghetti sauce from a distance. He's pumped up to be here~! And yes, there is still enough blood elsewhere for that to be possible. A cool spot sees Shelton & Haas reunite to deliver their double team leapfrog move, but Shelton is eliminated moments later by Edge. Poor Shelton. I guess there is some stopping him now. Who knew.

 

Simon Dean comes in at number 18, and goes immediately into some Hindu squats. Funny, I have a few Hindu friends and I’ve never seen them squat in my life. Weird. The next thing you know you’ll tell me that all Germans don’t know how to suplex, Russians don't leg sweep, and the Irish don't whip. BUT CANADIANS DESTROY~! Just ask Petey Williams.

 

Anyway, Michaels comes out at number 19, and he’s got a good chance here, because if Jesus can move a one ton boulder by himself, certainly his loyal disciple Shawn can toss 15 measly guys out. Simon Dean finally gets in the ring and is immediately eliminated by Michaels. I don't blame him. I think seeing all that umm, "Fitno powder" brought back some bad memories for Shawn.

 

The buzzer goes off again, and Kurt Angle is next, his head held on by duct tape, suplexing everything that moves. Angle then catches HBK’s foot in a Chin-music attempt, and applies the ankle-lock, but Michaels wriggles free and ends up hitting the superkick and eliminates Kurt. Damn. THE ANKLE-LOCK WAS HIS UNDOING.  Man. The way Kurt's so obsessed with grabbing feet, I guess we should be thankful he never got into selling shoes. I can just picture him slipping a woman's foot into a pump, then grabbing a hold of it, and repeatedly floating over transitioning back into an ankle-lock, as she tries to roll out, before finally cinching in with a heel hook. He then spontaneously releases it, gets up as if nothing happened, and heads to the back of the store asking if she wanted to try that in a red. Yup.

 

The Coach is next. He drew a decent number, so no chances of him being an "Iron man" like he had promised. He'll just have to be a "pewter man" to pull this thing off, or some other useless ridiculous metal that he can be physically equated to. Coach immediately goes after Benoit, who no-sells his forearm, so Coach cowers in the corner. Jindrak is up next.  He's the "Reflection of Perfection!" Holy shit, he must have some Fun house mirrors in his house then. It's just a shame he and Holly didn't cross paths earlier. I don't think the world could handle the ramifications of FOUR FEET GETTING THAT HIGH IN THE AIR.

 

Kurt then runs back in and illegally eliminates Shawn, ramming him into the steps an applying the anklelock. And Shawn is doing COLOR!...IN A BATTLE ROYAL. Holy shit, this guy is taking the whole dying for our sins thing a little far. Buzzer sounds and here comes Count Blackula , I mean Viscera. Just what is Vis supposed to be anyway? A zombie? A Vampire? And if so, how does a vampire get so morbidly obese? Maybe he mistook a huge jar of beef ragu for blood, I don’t know. Number 25 is Paul London, who dances a strange little jig before running to the ring (seriously, I have no idea what that was). Dupree gets the French Tickler  on London, but is immediately tossed by Jericho. Dupree would have clearly lasted longer, but his erect penis bogged him down, creating a low center of gravity, and making him easy prey for elimination. What can you do? It's science. You can't fight it.

 

John Cena is out next to a MONSTER pop. He immediately dumps out Vis. That's right, Cena, dump out a brother. Geez, I thought black guys were supposed to stick together? *Ahem*.

 

Snitsky comes in at number 26, and KILLS PAUL LONDON DEAD with a huge clothesline off the apron to eliminate him. I guess based on London's smallish stature, he could be misconstrued as a small child. Not a baby, per se, but close enough.

 

Kane comes in at Number 27, which if you’ve read Harry’s Rumble of the Damned, you’d know doesn’t bode too well for him. It's a good thing he can resuscitate himself. Because if not, he'll soon be joining big brother in a "deadman" gimmick. Keep that casket  from earlier handy.

 

 Kane and Snitsky of course then go at it. JR & KING neglect to mention that this is because SNITSKY MURDERED HIS UNBORN CHILD, WHO AT THIS VERY MOMENT WOULD BE IGNITING ALL FOUR CORNER POSTS OF HIS CRIB RIGHT NOW. By gawd. You'd think that'd be the issue here. Oh well. DAVE Batista draws number 28 and kills everything that moves. He eliminates Snitsky first, acting as the figurative tube of Clearasil that is Gene's undoing. Batista then squashes Kane with the Demon-bomb. Jericho attempts to hit a crossbody on Batista from there, but he is caught, pressed, and dumped to the floor. FOX TV then runs in with a camera crew and films the carnage. WHEN ANIMAL ATTACKS. It'll be on after Cops.

 

Christian draws number 29. John Cena eliminates Kane with an FU over the ropes. RIC FLAIR comes in at lucky number 30, and he and Batista team up. DAVE kills Coach with a spinebuster and lets Flair dump him. Christian gets pressed out next by Batista and tossed onto "The Problem Solver" Tyson Tomko, who "solved" the "problem" of being completely useless, and did so completely effortlessly. He's a MATHEMATICAL WIZARD~! Benoit is then eliminated by Batista, because there's only room for one completely vague species of Animal here. Strangely enough, Benoit is still this year’s Iron man, as he was last year. Awesome. Flair then hugs Batista, then hilariously tries to throw DAVE out…who doesn’t even budge.  Edge then eliminates Flair with a Rey Mysterio assist.

 

Your final four: Batista, Edge, Rey and Cena. Rey gets eliminated next after Edge speared him off the apron. I suspect the real reason Edge targeted him is because Rey is always so flagrantly "dropping dimes", and since Edge's Canadian money is so worthless, he really takes Rey's carelessness as a personal insult. I could be wrong though...

 

Edge is then pitched out immediately by Cena, leaving the two favorites going in: Cena and Batista. Both men go at it, with Cena trying to FU Dave, who wiggles out and tries a Demon Bomb. Both men then stumble over and hit the floor simultaneously, as I picture Bret Hart and Lex Luger palming themselves in the forehead ala Homer Simpson. Bret then goes back to assembling his rifle with Vince & Shawn's pictures on it Ghostbusters-style, and Luger stares at his phone, desperately trying to finally memorize "911" since it'll probably save him some future grief.

 

Both referees then *SURPRISINGLY* declare each man the victor. Batista and Cena then eliminate each other individually to prove a point. That point? How to fucking overbook a Rumble match to the point of ridiculousness.

 

Just then, Vince finally waddles out to clear the air, but not before smashing his leg on the apron, obviously injuring himself severely. Vince then makes the call (while sitting down on the mat looking like he just dropped a load in his pants) THAT THIS MATCH MUST CONTINUE. Gerald Brisco the collects Vince's legs in a wheel barrow and he disappears completely. Perhaps we'll see Vince rolling by on a skateboard, legless, begging for money by the weekend, crying out like a shell shocked Vietnam vet. "Don't judge me! YOU WEREN'T THERE!"

 

The match then continues, but DAVE makes short work of Cena and tosses him out and over. I was hoping that Cena's huge shorts would catch the wind like a sail, and he'd cascade safely back into the ring ready for more action, but t'was not to be (yo).

 

WINNER: DAVE Batista, and us all for seeing Vince tank it into the apron like a complete tool. Hilarious.

 

Anyway, I obviously missed a shitload of official eliminations, because in my state, I couldn't even be counted on to pull my own father out of a fucking police line-up. So, for the benefit of those completists, here's the official order of entry and elimination taken from WWE.com! Your number one source for completely rigged reader polls, and the only place on earth you can find a detailed bio on Mark Jindrak!:

Order of entry: Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit, Daniel Puder, Hardcore Holly, Hurricane, Kenzo Suzuki, Edge, Rey Mysterio, Shelton Benjamin, Booker T, Chris Jericho, Luther Reigns, Muhammad Hassan, Orlando Jordan, Scotty 2 Hotty (never officially entered the ring), Charlie Haas, Rene Dupree, Simon Dean, Shawn Michaels, Kurt Angle, Coach, Mark Jindrak, Viscera, Paul London, John Cena, Gene Snitsky, Kane, Batista, Christian, Ric Flair.

Order of elimination: Puder, Holly, Hurricane, Suzuki, Hassan, Reigns, Jordan, Booker T, Benjamin, Guerrero, Dean, Haas, Angle, Michaels, Dupree, Viscera, London, Jindrak, Snitsky, Jericho, Kane, Coach, Christian, Benoit, Flair, Mysterio, Edge, Cena.

/5

End show.

 

FINAL THOUGHTS: A good show overall, but nothing spectacular. The Rumble itself was entertaining, but didn’t have nearly the emotion of last year’s. The World Title matches were decent, but predictable. However, Michaels and Edge delivered, despite how little time they had.  So, Thumbs up. And now that we're done here, I think I'm going to call poison control. If I don't see you by No Way Out, it means I'm dead.

 

I'm Sean.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).