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Wrestling Ringside Roundtable
for October 2004
Featuring the staff of The Wrestling Fan!
 
Special thanks to Remy from The Honky Tonk Man.com for joining the panel this month.

 

1) Give your No PPV Mercy Predictions;

 

Harry Simon: JBL retains when Heidenreich costs UT the match (which was the original plan for SummerSlam). Booker wins match #5, freeing up Cena to start chasing JBL. Rey & Rob win the tag straps not a moment too soon. When three of the four tag champs in the company were members of La Resistance, something is very wrong with the world. Luther beats Eddie, extending “Latino Heat’s” PPV losing streak to four in a row. Kidman beats London with the SS press. (Note: I haven’t seen this week’s show or read the spoilers yet, so I’m ignorant of the “last-minute” stuff tacked on. And they’re ignorant for tacking stuff on at the last minute to begin with.)

 

Dr. Gonzo: Paul London vs. Billy Kidman: London better win this match, but it isn't going to mean shit because they'll both be on Velocity after this.

 

Kenzo Suzuki & Renee vs. RVD and REY: I like Kenzo and Renee, and they're mixed theme music is great. This match should be solid as long as Renee is in the ring with RVD and Rey. Renee and Suzuki will retain.

 

Luther vs. Eddie: Eddie will get the blow off win in this feud that has been building up for a while, but seems like it's never been on TV. MAtch should be decent with Eddie calling it.

 

Kurt Angle vs. Big Show: Horrid match here with Kurt Angle picking up the cheap win. The second biggest build up to the PPV, and the match looks like shit.

 

John Cena vs. Booker T: The finals of the best of 7 match that tries to pick up on the intensity and drawing power of the Benoit/Booker best of 7. Something the WWE forgets: neither of these guys can carry a match and they don't have Benoit carrying them. Cena will pick up the win.

 

Taker vs. JBL: JBL will squeak out the win here again with his posse flanking Taker and throwing him in the hearse. Should be a decent brawl if it's held within a 15 minute time frame or so.

 

Michael Melchor: Having been a bit out of the loop and not able to look up the rest right at the moment, I can give you the ones I know...

JBL vs. Undertaker - Last Ride Match - Depending on who you want to believe, this is either JBL's last hurrah as WWE Champion or a way to get him over as one of the sneakiest heels ever to hold the belt. Going by that, I'll go with choice "A". I don't think Bradshaw has worked as well as they wanted him to (more on that below) and I'm certain the Undertaker is due one more run before impending retirement.

Kurt Angle vs. Big Show - This is Show's proper ring return (not counting a tag match building this one when he was humiliated). Long has barred anyone from interfering, which would give the edge to Show based solely upon a return. Of course, I still think Angle can find way to sneak in a victory...

Rey Mysterio & RVD vs. Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree - Transitional tag champs, anyone? Suzuki and Dupree were in the right place at the right time as London & Kidman were splitting up. Rey just looks natural wearing a belt and WWE wouldn't want RVD to think that his re-enlistment wasn't a total waste...

Paul London vs. Billy Kidman - Being the first memorable encounter between these two, I would hope that we're going to see much more of this develop. That being the case, look for Kidman to swerve London and break out the Shooting Star Press en route to victory. Maybe that would be the impetus for London to use his own version?

 

Richard Waters: Okay so there's six matches left... unless each is 30 minutes we won't meet the three hour mark. Unless Miss Jackie/Dawn give us a classic.

Paul London over Kidman. Kidman isn't believeable as a heel.

Rene and Jap over RVD and Rey. No way are the put together team gonna beat... this other put together team.

Luther over Eddie. I just don't see Eddie winning. He needs time off and what new version of Evolution would be fit without wins?

Booker over Cena. Movie time for the Marine... and we need a face contender to take on the champ come Mania. Go Cena!

Angle over Show. The leader of the gay stable can't lose. Besides Kurt is now using his pull backstage.

JBL over Taker. Bring in Heidenrich. I can't see the title on Taker. He doesn't show up and when he does, it's just a video. What kind of champion relies on lights to do his talking?

 

Renee: JBL vs The Undertaker - Title match - Undertaker

Cena vs Booker T - Booker T - by shady dealings since Cena is filming

Reigns vs Eddie G. - Reigns - Don't know why, I just feel it.

London vs Kidman - Hard call but I say London ( I'm not quite sure what their up to yet with this angle)

Dupree and Suzuki vs RVD and Mysterio - RVD & Mysterio ( only because I'm hoping that it will finally give RVD more air time)

Big Show vs Kurt Angle - Big Show

 

 

Christopher Freda: It will suck. Betcha I'm right!

 

Brad McLeod: Taker over JBL (just a hope, anyway)
London over Kidman
Booker T over Cena
Show over Angle
Eddie over Luther
Suzuki and Rene will beat RVD and Rey Rey, sadly.

 

Remy: Bradshaw wins Yeah, this one I’m not 100% on. Will Undertaker really do the job two PPV’s in a row? Well, I sure as shit hope so. Plus, the Deadman has been on a roll as of late, and that makes me think he’s going to lose so that JBL doesn’t look weak.

Cena wins If he doesn’t, then what the fuck was the point of this best of five shit? Actually, what the fuck was the point of it anyway?

Eddie wins If not, it’s because he’s all drugged out and this is his punishment.

Kidman wins Although I couldn’t give less of a fuck.

Suzuki and Depree win Same as for the above match.

 

Canadian Bacon: I predict your a dirty homo!!! Hahaha!  Actually im not going to be watching this show cause Im representing my hometown in the big time wall ball finals for the very prestigious Awkward Moose Cup!!!! I doubt yous would know what that’s all about and the dedication and such it takes cause your prolly just used to playin your faggity Q-Bert video game and pullin’ your dink.

 

Anyways I might just wait until it comes out video but til then wish me luck because its a dangerous sport just like wrestling! One wrong move and you could get a wheelin ball in the mush and that smarts like a son of a perch!!! and  it can even lead to the death or even worse, permenant injury!

 

Sean Carless: -JBL def. Undertaker; Come on, people. Undertaker + a match with no pinfalls (cough*no clean jobs*) and an inanimate object that someone has to be stuffed into? Look at your history, and tell me the last time Taker won a title match with this kind of stipulation? That’s right.

 

-Booker T. def. John Cena to keep the US Title… so Cena can finish filming the Marine…so it can be sent straight to video by Christmas…

 

-Rene Dupree & Kenzo Suzuki def. Rey Mysterio & RVD; the champs keep the belts here, and hopefully get matching outfits. Might I suggest a matching pair of Suzuki baggy pajamas for Rene? It’d be appreciated. For once I’d like to watch a match without knowing the exact location of his penis. Thank you.

 

-Billy Kidman def. Paul London. I’ve been really impressed with Kidman’s acting range lately, and his ability to go from forlorn, to  …ummm, forlorn?

 

-Kurt Angle def. Big Show by DQ; Hey, in a culture where about of men everywhere have bald heads, what’s so humiliating about getting your head shaved? You know, next time I’m at the barber and I see a guy getting his head shaved I’ll be sure to yell out “He’s having his dignity Raped!”

 

Anyway, this is Show’s first ppv back, and his opportunity for revenge, BUT, Angle is on a fast track to the Title, so, to save everyone’s stock here, I think Show will go berserk and get DQ’d.

 

-Eddie Guerrero def. Luther Reigns. My gut says I should pick Luther, because he’s in mid-push, but one more job (which would make four in a row) would kick Eddie back down to midcard and likely drive the high-strung Latino Heat to insanity, or at least to assassinating people from Titan Tower, disgruntled mailman style. He lies. He cheats… He picks off people with high powered scoped rifles?  (If so, please start with Heidenreich…)

2) After The Best of SmackDown last week, should WWE bring back Stone Cold or Hulk Hogan?

 

Harry: Yes and no.

 

Dr. Gonzo: Well it's rarely been a "Best Of" SD in a long time, but on to the question. I would argue for a return of Steve Austin, but only if he was capable of performing in the ring. If his neck says no, then I say no. Last thing I want to see again is Stone Cold in a non wrestling roll, wasting TV time with stupid interviews and squashing actual workers. Hulk Hogan should just die.

 

Michael Melchor: No. In both cases. Austin can't wrestle on a regular basis and would only be good doing what we've already seen him do a go-zillion times as a GM or Co-GM. Sure, it's popular, but that act gets old real quick.

As for Hogan...to paraphrase Marcellus Wallace: "Once you be gone, you stay gone. You lost all your WWE privileges."

 

Richard Waters: No. Austin can't wrestle and I guess the same goes for Hogan. Leave the wrestling shows to the actual wrestlers. Only bring back Austin for a last match say it comes. Austin vs. Hogan could work.

 

Renee: Stone Cold - Because honestly, he's more entertaining than Hogan in my opinion. Hogan need to hang it up and focus on his slut ass daughter.

 

Christopher Freda: Well, I can't really stand either of them in the slightest. A drunken wife beater and an orange loser who could never work...sigh...I suppose Austin is the lesser of two evils. At least he could work, at one point.

 

Brad McLeod: Neither. Hogan is too old, and Austin is too fucked up. It is just the fools and marks that want to see these guys. I mean, Austin is too messed to do anything in the ring, and Hogan has been too old for about 50 years now. I will give them the respect they deserve, they did a hell of a lot for wrestling, but their times have passed. Austin left when he was at thte top of the heap, popularity wise, and it is best for him to go out that way. Hogan will always have a good fan base, but he is done. Maybe if they did Manager stints, like Piper with O'Haire, I could see that, but keep the tights off of them.

 

Remy: Well, to be honest, I didn’t watch it. I never watch Smackdown, even when I do have the channel it’s on, which I don’t right now. However, I will say that NO, they should not bring back either Austin or Hogan. They need to move FORWARD this time, no backwards. The focus needs to be on new people, and that’s impossible with those two around. Not to mention the fact that I’m sick of them both.

 

Canadian Bacon: who cares about those queers? So what if Hogan bodyslammed Andre The Giant! and what kind of last name is the Giant anyway?? I thought he was suppose to be French? If it was Andre le giant then it’d make sense.

 

Anyways, if smackdown really wanted to make a impact they should bring back the mantaur! Yes! Half man and half bull! And you just know his mom had to be tough to get impregnated by a bull that’s all I can say!!! Although my friend Julius once stuck his stuff in a cows popo  hoping she’d eventually birth a beastmaster but nothing happened, except he was shot with a salt pellet by the farmer. I miss betsy sometimes.

 

Sean Carless: I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t like to see Austin come back (to SmackDown), at least for one brief feud like Foley earlier this year. And besides, while he’s there he can give Charle Haas some marriage advice….or at least can pass on the Donkey Punch for Haas’s wedding night…

 

As for Hogan, I’m open to him coming back for a match say every wrestlemania, but in no way do I want to see the “Hulk Hogan show” like we had to live through last year with Hogan and Zach Gowen. (who’s only connection I could think of was they both were known for dropping legs…)

 

Hogan’s best bet until then though is to continue to work with his daughter (who vows to be the next Britney Spears…despite having male pattern baldness) and soak up all her spotlight, Bruther.

 

 

3) Did WWE make the right decision keeping Ric Flair "Heel" last Monday?

 

Harry: No. For the first time in three years, Ric Flair really looked like Ric Flair for a moment. Shoulda known better. Hunter, ya got us again.

 

Dr. Gonzo: This is the second time they've dropped the ball on a Ric Flair face turn. Turning Flair face would rejuvinate him and on top of that, if he teamed with Randy Orton, it would shoot Randy up to the high ranking babyfaces. It would be a great rub for him. I love Ric Flair as a heel, but a face Flair would just do so much for the storylines, but Trips doesn't seem to want to let him go.

 

Michael Melchor: Despite being a waste of almost an hour, yes. Flair could have turned on Triple-H and Flair could have wrestled for the World Title. The result would have been that A) Hunter crushes the old man's hip, or B) Flair actually wins, has his last time in the spotlight, and defies the laws of physics by being a champion that no one would buy due to his age and the fact that every fucking match he wrestles is the same.

 

Richard Waters: Yes because two members of Evolution won't work.

 

Renee: Good idea. Especially if it leads to more promos like the one last week. Flair is at his best as an asshole, partly because It's probably in his "nature" already. It’d be pointless to turn him now. But if they do decide to turn him face, it should be a complete face turn, he should still remain the opportunist he's always been.

 

Christopher Freda: Of course not, as usual, you can tell people want to cheer Flair like crazy but they won't make the move. Fucking idiots.

 

Brad McLeod: For now, yeah. The seed has been planted. We already had one speed turn with Orton, so it would be best to keep this in the works for a while. And, it would add to Flair's character. Let the thought smolder in him a while. The segment with Batista was the best way of showing that it is there, the thought is there, but, keep him heel for a while, just give us shades that what Orton said has an effect. Hell, even keep Flair heel permanently, just have him pull rank on HHH, take over Evolution, then have Hunter turn on him. That way, HHH keeps his heel heat, and Flair gets the same response as Orton.

 

Remy: I’m torn on this one. On one hand, I saw it coming a mile away, on the other, I really did hope that Flair would side with Randy. They could have made a pretty awesome mentor/student team. However, it would have killed what’s left of Evolution, so I guess it really wouldn’t have been a good idea.

 

Canadian Bacon: I never understood why people think Rick flair is so great. All he could do is a phony baloney figure four.  I used to take the figure four all the time and it never broke me!!! Course that’s prolly cause im strong sakatchewan stock and am prolly invincible! Were just double tough here. You think your little tornados in florida are bad? Try a Chinook sometime buster! It’ll twirl you around and make yer nose redder than a spanked bum.Besides no one important ever died from a tornado.

 

Sean Carless: Wrong decision. And just so I don’t have to reiterate myself, I’ll just copy and paste my opinion from the Raw Rant this past Monday:

 

“I can’t remember a time recently where I was anticipating something like the way I was for the Flair “turn”, and while some people will argue that it’s within Flair’s character to double cross Orton, I somewhat disagree. You see, Flair has always looked out for Flair first, and the Ric Flair of the past would have turned on Hunter all right, but he’d have done it so he could have the top spot for himself. So, you see, selfish Flair makes sense, but not lackey Ric Flair, who’s never been one to share the spotlight for too long.”

 

My major problem with this whole thing is that they’ve closed the window on a Flair turn for good now. That was the perfect opportunity to do it, and even if they wanted to have Flair go Heel again eventually (which his character would definitely do), a babyface Flair would give a short term burst of interest to Raw in my opinion. After all, people have been wildly cheering Flair for years, so why not go with it and give them what they want?

 

 

4) Who do you see achieving Mega-stardom first, Randy Orton or John Cena, and why?

 

Harry: RKO, easy. Orton has had three full-blown MOTY contenders on PPV this year alone (Foley at Backlash, Edge at Vengeance, Benoit at SummerSlam). It’s not entirely Cena’s fault, though. For some reason, they won’t let him do the edgy raps that put him on the map in the first place. But then, there IS the fact that Cena hasn’t had a memorable match since his debut against Kurt Angle in 2002.

 

Dr. Gonzo: John Cena already has mega stardom, but if you're talking Stone Cold level, then neither. Orton lacks the Charisma and hasn't polished a decent face act yet. Orton is just much too heel to be really popular, and he was getting crazy over as a heel, but was a stale face, and still is. I see him getting over as a heel than a face. Cena on the other hand has reached super stardom, and most people regognize him, even through the lame gimmick and stale character. He needs a heel turn to spice him up and then if the fans turn him face, then they can push him huge. But if either of these guys will make it, it's Cena. He has a marketable gimmick, a great look, and gimmick moves the fans can pop for and taunts too.

 

Michael Melchor: Cena, simply because he has a HUGE head start on Orton. Orton is certainly capable of hitting that level (and thank GOD he's expanded his repertoire beyond that damned chinlock!), but Cena has a deafening reaction every time he shows his face.

 

Richard Waters: John Cena. Simply because Orton doesn't do it as a face. His reactions aren't the same. The IWC shits on Cena, but at the end of the day... he doesn't have to follow the dress code. The marks are a bigger group to Vince then the smarks. We buy the gear... we cheer him on. I just hope we see Angle/Eddie vs. Cena at Mania. Preferably Eddie. There battle for the US title was good. JBL/Cena will be garbage. I don't want to see Angle continue his useless put people over for the title at Mania routine. It's old by now.

 

Renee: Orton - in wrestling Orton has already surpassed Cena in fan appeal. It showed well before the semi face change and basically based his turn on that fact. Cena has fan appeal but more on a level of raising spirits and gettiing the crowd hyped. They both have charisma but Orton has that certain something that keeps him fresh everytime. I think it helps that his character isn't based on any gimmicks it allows a better expansion of his character. Cena's gimmick has already reach it's expiration date.

 

Christopher Freda: Cena, the crowd is more ready for him to have a main event push, plus he got over faster and more so. Also, Orton got put over and people shit on it so they had to hot shot the belt off of him.

 

Brad McLeod: I say both. Orton will hit it fast because of the rocket strapped to his ass, and Cena will hit it just because the fans want him. Cena is reminiscent of Eddie in that respect.

 

Remy: Orton, hands down. Is it just me, or is Cena starting to get a bit annoying and stale already? And in my opinion, Randy Orton is simply the better of the two, no question about it. Orton is basically in the hunt for the heavyweight title, whereas Cena is going for the US title. That makes me think WWE agrees with me.

 

Canadian Bacon: I like orton. Actually I like all the ortons, except prolly cowboy bob, bob senior, and barry. The rest are fine with me though.

 

Sean Carless: The difference here is politics. Orton has Hunter’s favor, while for whatever reason, Cena is being held back. I mean, imagine if they had halted Austin’s momentum in 98 and stretched it out for another year while having him mired in the mid-card? That’s just bad business, and it’s something WWE is guilty of with Cena. Truth be told, Cena was ready shortly after Survivor Series last year, and a build from there towards Mania would have made the most sense. But for whatever reason, WWE held off despite him being the most over guy on the roster.

 

Now, with that said, my choice is still Cena, because despite how much I like Orton, his entire push has been manufactured, while Cena took a lame gimmick, ran with it, and got himself over, all without the WWE machine anywhere in sight. Unfortunately, though, this same “machine” has neutered Cena’s edginess since then and turned him into Attitude era babyface # 3245.

 

 

 

5) With all the deaths running rampant in wrestling these days, whom do you feel is next to go and why?

 

Harry: Mean Gene, the desperately-looking-for-a-kidney machine.

 

Dr. Gonzo: Geez, this is a tough question. I can't really say on this question because wrestling deaths are so random now you can't predict who is going to go and why. If I had to guess it would be Roddy Piper, since he will probably start sniffing all the white powder that he's around and eventually get his hands on laundry detergent, Ajax or anthrax.

 

Michael Melchor: This is a tough call, simply because most of the deaths lately have actually been of natural causes and not the famed and sordid "excessive lifestyle" stories that the mainstream media LOVES to run with. Given the current pattern and knowing who's already under Mother Nature's chopping block, I'd suggest getting the John Tenta tributes ready now.

 

Richard Waters: Bret Hart. Have you seen the Aladdin gear?

 

Renee: Who's Next? ......To Die! - Wow, what a sad question. But if it has to be answered....I say,...... and I know I'll probably get yelled at but....Bret Hart. Only because his health hasn't been good since the strokes and he seems to get so riled up over any comments about him that he's bound to have a heart attack someday. Though magic carpet rides can lift anyone's spirits, so ya never know.

 

Christopher Freda: I couldn't really hazard a guess, the way things have been going it could really be anyone.

 

Brad McLeod: I don't like to play with these things. I hate to see any of them go, especially when they are guys I grew up with (Bravo, Bossman, Crash),so, I am going to refrain from comment here.

 

Remy: Pipernutz, because, well … he’s Pipernutz!

 

Canadian Bacon: sadly, I think stu hart is the next to go.

 

Sean Carless: “Dr. Death”Steve Williams. Doc was recently diagnosed with cancer and even had to have his voice box removed as a result. Which makes me sometime wonder if a bitter Jim Ross, around the time of Brawl for all, secretly laced Bart Gunn’s boxing gloves with plutonium or something…Ok, I’m going to hell.

 

Anyway, all this morbidity leads me to one philosophical question, when Steve’s in heaven, will he be known as Dr. Life?

 

 

6) Now that JBL has had six months to develop his character, How do you feel about him?

 

Harry: Decent enough mid-card heel, but he shouldn’t be the top guy, WWE champion, or someone who’s allowed to speak in public.

 

Dr. Gonzo: I still don't like him, but he has established himself as a good heel. His 3 month feud with the Undertaker is NOT helping him though, except for being booed by default. He has developed quite well as his promos are, for the most part, solid and his in ring skills are getting more polished. He still isn't a top heel and he's searching for that jump to launch him up there.

 

Michael Melchor: I think it's safe to say that I was all for the decision to hand the title to JBL, and that was based on the controversy he could create and the attention he could bring as a result. But something funny happened on the way to the box office...

 

JBL was neutered. Instead of continuing the borderline racism and politically charged promos and behavior, he was turned into The Honky Tonk Man 2.0. As a straight heel, JBL's been a terrific WWE Champion, but the idea was to bring in more viewers and more money, not try to satisfy the current audience with retreads. In that aspect, the experiment has failed.

 

Richard Waters: More of the same. He's still kinda boring in the ring. Promos are so so. See he's not even the big attraction of SD!. He opens the show and rarely is featured in the main-event outside of a PPV. But I'll take him over the Undertaker anyday.

 

Renee: I don't like him in the ring at all. I never have. But as "JBL" now he's funny and gets the heel heat he's looking for. I can't say I like him but he's a lot more tolerable now that he's not insulting every ethnic group in the world for pops.

 

Christopher Freda: He still can't work and his character still sucks.

 

Brad McLeod: I have liked him for a while. Mind you, I liked him as Bradshaw, as well. He has developoed nicely, and I think he is ME material for sure. I would rather see the belt on Angle, or Taker, but I think JBL has done quite well.

 

Remy: Always liked him. Good character. His in ring ability is not one the level of Kurt Angle, obviously, but I still think he’s entertaining. His program with Eddie was good, at least, but I think he’ll be better off when he’s not feuding with ‘Taker.

 

Canadian Bacon: who’s jbl? Do you mean Lyndon B Johnson the former president of your united states? I think he’s dead sorry to say.

 

Sean Carless: I’m probably one of the few people who actually love JBL’s character, and secretly hope he carries the belt to Wrestlemania. All this despite the fact that I seemingly make an unending parade of shower room rape jokes about him. And you know, I love him for giving me so much material: Like these  randomly plucked from past Rants:

 

-He claims that he's been campaigning all week, kissing babies, and in some cases, kissing the mothers too, and with that in mind, you don't even want to know what he did to the Fathers....

Bradshaw touches Mrs Guerrero on the shoulders…and she collapses? Hey, unless Bradshaw is secretly from the Planet Vulcan, I'm having a little bit of trouble suspending disbelief here.

 What's left for JBL to do to get cheap heat with the Guerrero family now? Well, besides maybe exhuming the body of Gory Guerrero and performing the World's most disturbing ventriloquist act...

-Bradshaw then puts down the city of Las Vegas, saying he "doesn't believe in gambling", stating that those people stupidly risk their money in an attempt to make more without actually WORKING for it. Well, thank goodness the STOCK MARKET doesn't utilize the same formula......

-Undertaker Vs. JBL: The battle between two men best known for burying “stiffs”. With Taker being dead bodies, and Bradshaw unfortunately choosing to bury his in the tender asses of the rookie WWE locker room…

-a great chairshot by Eddie to Bradshaw busts JBL open, but considering Bradshaw's shower room "reputation", I don't know how comfortable I'd be with his blood on me…..

-Bradshaw is dominating this bull rope match with Eddie, although, JBL has had a lot more practice with a rope than Eddie, I mean how else would he subdue those rookies?...

 

Thanks for the memories, JBL!

7) If you could fire any WWE talent, who would it be?

 

Harry: Obviously, HHH and Stephanie because I want there to BE a WWE five years from now. Also, I’d shitcan Heidenreich, Tomko, and Tard Grisham because they’re embarrassingly bad.

 

Dr. Gonzo: Kidman cause he sucks, Big Show for the same reason, Michael Cole cause he's a taker, Heidenrich cause he's a giver, Hardcore Holly cause he's a bitch, and Hurricane and Rosey cause they're useless. They should build a time machine and send Gene Snitsky (worst wrestling name ever) to take care of these guys if you know what I mean.

 

Michael Melchor: After seeing the Schoolgirl Match on SmackDown's 5th anniversary, I say get Moolah and Mae Young a one-way ticket to Shady Pines and off of my fucking television IMMEDIATELY.

 

Richard Waters: HHH.

 

Renee: Dawn Marie. Serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Total waste of a pay check.

 

Christopher Freda: Stephanie McMahon.

 

Brad McLeod: Ohhh, that's a tough one. Hardcore Holly has never done it or me. His characters have always seemed contrived, and like he thought he was more than what he is. Kidman, as well, has never impressed me. But, if anyone, it would be the writing staff.

 

Remy: HHH. OMG he iz the SuXorZ!!!11!! Haha, just kidding. I like Triple H. In all seriousness, I’d have to say, ah fuck, A-train I guess. He’s probably on the outs as it is, but what the hell.

 

Canadian Bacon: Huh???  why would you fire someone with talent? That doesn’t make sense!!!!

 

Sean Carless: People are probably expecting me to say HHH, but honestly, he’s a great heel… he just shouldn’t on top anymore.

 

If I had to pick someone, I’d probably choose Tyson Tomko, if only for the reason that he brings nothing to the table right now. Normally I’d pick Heidenreich, but at least he’s found the soothing lure of poetry…which significantly lightens the mood when he’s turning Cole’s asshole into a Wizard’s sleeve.

 

 

 

8) If you could watch the matches of only one wrestler for the rest of your life, who would that be?

 

Harry: Chris Benoit. If you’ve seen his DVD, you don’t need to ask me why. If you haven’t, get your ass over to www.highspots.com immediately and pick it up.

 

Dr. Gonzo: Well I'd have to pick two, but because they wrestle almost exactly the same way it shouldn't matter. It would be Dynamite Kid and Chris Benoit. Dynamite was just fucking crazy, and Benoit has had so many different kinds of matches. Benoit might edge out Dynamite by a hair, but the Kid is still the best wrestler ever.

 

Michael Melchor: "Flyin'" Brian Pillman, God rest his soul. His WCW matches - especially as Cruiserweight Champion - were groundbreaking and exhilarating to see. And that's not even counting his run as 1/2 of one of the best teams in the last 15 years alongside then-"Stunning" Steve Austin.

 

Richard Waters: AJ Styles.

 

Renee: Hard question. Hmmmm. I 'd have to say Chris Jericho. He always keeps me entertained and delivers some of the most memorable matches in wrestling.

 

Christopher Freda:American Dragon Bryan Danielson.

 

Brad McLeod: Hmm, that would be a 3-way tie between Cactus Jack (a la ECW and Japan), Sabu, and the Undertaker.

 

Remy: Kurt Angle

 

Canadian Bacon: giant Gonzalez!!!! Wrestlings last great giant and the toughest man to come out of the dirty jungle ever! Read my AWSOME column on him or continue to be stupid, and prolly gay to.

 

Sean Carless: For me it’s still Bret Hart, and I’m not just saying that because it’s  a death penalty offense to say otherwise here in Canada…. (which includes being drowned in Maple Syrup, or dropping a gaseous hockey puck into a pail…)

 

While watching Chris Benoit’s DVD recently (who’d be my number 2 choice) I was reminded how much I loved watching Bret wrestle. I really wish he was healthy (and in his prime). Hopefully, he’ll use his newly found genie powers to grant himself another run.

 

 

9) Which wrestler would you like to see Harry Simon parody in a future "Behind the Pyro"?

 

Harry: Screw you bitches. You cannot force a BTP to be squeezed out as if it were a bowel movement to be placed in Tammy Sytch’s salad. That said, the next one will be Ahmed Johnson. Unless you piss me off. If you piss me off, the next BTP victim will be YOU! You heard me.

 

Dr. Gonzo: Roddy Piper. Harry would go nuts on the guy.

 

Michael Melchor: With the way the storyline is playing out now, I'm almost BEGGING for Harry to tackle John Heineyreich. THAT would be just plain GOLD.

 

Richard Waters: I'd love to see a good change of vocabulary for the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

 

Renee: Harry's next victim? - Tyson Tomko. I hate that penis head freak.

 

Christopher Freda: Big Show

 

Brad McLeod: Kamala, just for the challenge.

 

Remy: Big Bossman

 

Canadian Bacon: Go behind the pyro?!!! Are you crazy!!! That’s so foolish! Youd surely get burned! I know this fer a fact to cause my cousin Madison once stuck a screamin mimi down his corduroys and it burned off of his ballsack, and now he cant have sex with a girl although its prolly mostly cause hes fat and kinda ugly.

 

Sean Carless: Hey, I’ve been pulling for Ahmed Johnson for over a year now, mostly because the greatest photoshop in history is still waiting in the wings. (right, Harry?...)

 

Also, Akeem or Big Bossman (or both preferably) if only for the reason that I have a satire pic of the Twin Towers that part of me would like to finally post, despite the fact that it would likely turn the entire Internet against me for good….

 

10)  Word association time. Write the first thing/things that come to mind for the following:

 

-Triple H:

-Eugene:

-Ring Of Honor:

-The Wrestling Fan.com:

-Heidenreich:

-Ric Flair:

-Kurt Angles new stable:

-Michael Cole:

-Canadian Bacon:

 

Harry:

-Triple H: The man who will be the death of the WWWFE.
-Eugene: At least Regal is getting TV time.
-Ring Of Honor: The fact that people support this shit is disgusting.
-The Wrestling Fan.com: Needs more porn. (NOT the kind of porn enjoyed by ROH fans, though.)
-Heidenreich: He should sodomize more WWE superstars.
-Ric Flair: Will go down in history for going down on HHH.
Kurt Angles new stable: I liked his old one a lot better.
-Michael Cole: Mrs. Heidenreich.
-Canadian Bacon: Part of this complete breakfast.

 

Dr. Gonzo: Triple H-Strong Dislike

Eugene-Retarded (double edged sword here)

Ring of Honor-Great

The Wrestling Fan-The best, and unappreciated

Heidenrich-Shit

Ric Flair-Crazy Old man, and awesome

Kurt Angle's Stable-Evolution Ver 3.

Michael Cole-Fucking gay putz

Canadian Bacon-Blow hard, ignorant, know-it-all, sucks.

 

Michael Melchor: -Triple H: The new leader of the Horsemen

-Eugene: Lost opportunity

-Ring Of Honor: A future contender back on its feet

-The Wrestling Fan.com: Growing like a 200 lb. tumor

-Heidenreich: "C'mon, squeal! SQUEAL!!"

-Ric Flair: More talking, less action please

Kurt Angles new stable: "Hunter has one! Why can't I?!"

-Michael Cole: "SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAALLLL!!"

-Canadian Bacon: The kid that always got picked last for kick ball...and for great reason...

 

Richard Waters: -Triple H: Gold.

-Eugene: Damn afro, nail biter.

-Ring Of Honor: Garbage? Lo Ki is GAY!

-The Wrestling Fan.com: Vince's face.

-Heidenreich: Fisting Firemen.

-Ric Flair: The big fluffy hair of old...

Kurt Angles new stable: Student Government Association. I can't picture Kurt in a suit well. Are they trying to be Evolution?

-Michael Cole: Baddest man on the planet.

-Canadian Bacon: Ham? I mean really that's what it is. If a Canadian comes down here and asks for his Bacon on a pizza, won't he be pissed when he gets fucking ham? Ah nevermind. Canada is just the US-wannabe.

 

Renee:

Triple H - Sack 'O Snacks

Eugene - sad

Ring of Honor - Freda

The Wrestling Fan - Home

Heidenriech- Deliverance and/or Jail house rapist

Ric Flair - Whooooooooo!

Kurt Angles new stable- Desperation

Michael Cole - Pussy

Canadian Bacon - Who? I know no such person.

 

 

Christopher Freda:

-Triple H: selfish
-Eugene: waste of a decent worker
-Ring Of Honor: best promotion on the planet, bar none
-The Wrestling Fan.com: Sean Carless
-Heidenreich: shitenreich
-Ric Flair: legend
Kurt Angles new stable: meh
-Michael Cole: shill
-Canadian Bacon: suck ass bitch

 

Brad McLeod:

 -Triple H: Over-important

-Eugene: Funny character, bad career move

-Ring Of Honor: I hope they get it together, probably the best Indy in the world

-The Wrestling Fan.com: Love it, and thanks

-Heidenreich: Psycho Sid wanna be. Impress me in the ring

-Ric Flair: Legend, no doubt. Just stay out of the ring.

Kurt Angles new stable: Up and comers, look at Haas and Benjamin. (Word to the wise, Reigns and Jindrak; look, listen, and learn)

-Michael Cole: Funny.

-Canadian Bacon: Bitch. I would love to spend 5 minutes in a room with no windows with this little bastard. Maybe, just maybe, I could beat some sense into this little mental midget.

 

Remy: Triple H: Great heel

Eugene: Getting boring

Ring Of Honor: Never seen it

The Wrestling Fan.com: Very funny

Heidenreich: Cross over match with Snitsky = PURE GOLD!

Ric Flair: RETIRE!

Kurt Angles new stable: Snooze (except for Angle, of course)

Michael Cole: Gayness ++

Canadian Bacon: Amazing writer; clearly the best I’ve ever read. Seriously.

 

Canadian Bacon:

-Triple H: the game! What game is he though? I always thought it was prolly kerplunk. That was fun.

 

-Eugene: I hate stupid people

 

-Ring Of Honor: I loved that movie! Especially Gollum! “My precious”. awesome!

 

-The Wrestling Fan.com: home of the internets best writer Canadian Bacon and a few other queers to!

 

-Heidenreich: I learned that maneuver in health class when I was a kid. Good thing to cause my friend juilus almost choked on a baby pickle at lunch but thanks to the heidenreich maneuver I saved his life!!!

 

-Ric Flair: nature boy.  But isn’t he 60? When can he be called nature man?

 

-Kurt Angles new stable: kurt prolly keeps his horses in it.

 

-Michael Cole: has the same haircut as me!!! Yay!

 

-Canadian Bacon: the BESTEST WRITER IN THE EVAR!!!1111

 

 

Sean Carless: 

 

-Triple H: Selfish. No explanation needed;

 

-Eugene: Forrest, Forrest Gump. Seriously, they need to run a Gump angle with Eugene, and hell, even give him a love interest, because lets face it, nothing’s funnier than retards getting it on.  “Sorry Molly, I roo-inned your bath robe.”

 

-Ring Of Honor: Feinstein. I know he’s long gone, but his indiscretions almost destroyed this promising promotion. And hey, who’d have ever thunk that a guy who ran a promotion featuring smallish, shirtless guys rolling around with each other would be a pedophile?...

 

-The Wrestling Fan.com: Hey, I have a site called that!

 

-Heidenreich: Micheal Cole experiences “the Shocker” (also known as the three pronged handshake). And by “Shocker” I mean the disturbing sexual maneuver, usually reserved for women (you know, two in the pink, one in the stink). Anyway, Heidenreich looked to have been going pretty deep on poor Michael Cole, and since Cole doesn’t have a vagina, I’m assuming three piggies went around back. Poor Cole.

 

-Ric Flair:The Man. That promo last week proved it.

 

-Kurt Angles new stable: Ah, “Team No-Angle”. No thanks.

 

-Michael Cole: See Heidenreich.

 

-Canadian Bacon: Moron. Yet…he gets fantastic hits. Go figure.

Special thanks go to Tolerance from Honky Tonk Man.com for submitting the Roddy Piper pic. Thanks, bro.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).