THE ROCKTAGON

by James Swift

December 11, 2011

Hola once again, all you sons-of-bitches-and-bastards!

As hard as it may be to believe, 2011 is almost over. Now, maybe I’m just turning into an old fogy, but I really feel as if this was the fastest year in history. I’m talking Speedy Gonzalez getting chased by The Flash kind of fast, amigo. I mean, wasn’t it just yesterday that we were watching Frank Edgar come back from a hellacious ass-mauling at the hands of Gray Maynard on New Year’s Day? Has it really been ten months since Antonio Silva officially buried the legacy of Fedor Emelienanko, just days after Anderson Silva big-booted Vitor Belfort’s head clean off his shoulders?

Well, for all of you nostalgic souls out there, tonight’s card may very well be an attempt to encapsulate the entire MMA Year-That-Was in one evening of fights. Up to this point, there is no denying that the mixed martial arts MVP of 2011 has been UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones, who in the span of eight months, decimated three top ten LHW fighters, including two ex World Champions, in a banner year that really is unparalleled in modern MMA history. And tonight, he readies himself for his second title defense (and fourth fight) this year as he takes on yet another ex Light Heavyweight title-holder. . .a man who scored a KO of the year contender back in April, when he front-face kicked UFC Hall-of-Famer Randy Couture into a long overdue retirement.

If that wasn’t enough, we also have a heavyweight throw down between two ex UFC interim Heavyweight champions, in a rematch from a 2008 bout that people (read: virgins on Sherdog) are still yammering on and on about. Frank Mir managed to battle his way out of obscurity following a victory over Roy Nelson earlier this year, while Antonio Rodrigo Noguiera revitalized his career following a knockout of up-and-comer Brendan Schaub in his home country of Brazil back in August. In a much-anticipated rematch, the two square off for what may very well prove the next, next guy in line for a crack at the Heavyweight crown - and you best believe that both men are aiming for a knockout performance this evening.

Hell, “Minotauro” isn’t the only member of the Noguiera brood getting it on tonight, as his little brother Antonio ROGERIO Noguiera is set to do battle with one-time UFC poster boy Tito Ortiz in a Light Heavyweight scrap that. . .well, actually, this fight really doesn’t have any major ramifications on anything, but it could be an entertaining little romp, if nothing else. Plus, we’ve got ourselves a probable fight-of-the-night award winner when practically undefeated Canadian brawler Claude Patrick goes toe to toe with Indiana’s Brian Ebersole, in a Welterweight clash that may very well determine. . .uh, the next headliner on a UFC on FUSE broadcast? PROBABLY! And in our curtain jerker this evening, Mark “Hematoma” Hominick comes back from a good half a year of having fluid drained from his skull to take on Chan-Sung Jung, whose throw down with Leonard Garcia last year is considered one of the greatest, stupidest brawl-fests in the history of MMA. I’d expect fireworks coming out of this one. Well, not actual fireworks, but it would be cool if it did, though.

So, all of that to say, ha-what? That’s right, time for the Rocktagon Recap of

As always, we’re calling this lovely spectacle from Kennesaw, Georgia’s finest and dandiest social gathering place, the quaint and cozy Bailey’s Irish Pub. And yes, I think they SHOULD give me five bucks for just mentioning them in a column that’s read by THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE (in my head) each and every month.

Well, in case you haven’t heard the news, I’m currently rehabbing after nearly being killed by a cow at the Alabama/Georgia state line. The grisly details can be found here, although the faint of heart need definitely not apply.

To help speed up the recovery time, I’ve been advised by doctors to have people subscribe to my YouTube channel, and follow me on Twitter and my blog. Granted, it’s a bizarre course of actions, but who am I to doubt the professional sagacity of the finest doctor in the metro Atlanta area? And just because his office is wedged between an adult book store and a fast food stand that specialized in “chicken sausage” is surely an aside.

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For some reason, our usual seating arrangements for these things have altered for the evening, so we’re actually watching the PPV from the game room of the pub. In fact, my dining table this evening is just a pool table with a brown rain tarp draped over it - and they left the pool cues here. I guess that means there’s about a 500 percent chance before the evening’s over that I’ll get stabbed in the ear by an errant dart. I can just sense it.

Tonight’s show is emanating from Toronto, Ontario, where mediocre hockey reigns supreme. As always, our hosts for tonight’s gala are Mike Goldberg and Joe Rogan. Odds are, they probably won’t be talking about Rashad Evans’ comments about “putting his hands on” Phil Davis “like one of those kids at Penn State,” though.

FEATHERWEIGHT BOUT

Mark Hominick (20-9-0-0) vs. Chan-Sung Jung (11-3-0-0)

Just looking at these two guys’ names on the same sheet of paper is like staring at some sort of NASA-bank rolled experiment to see if it’s possible for a human being to explode like a water balloon. Every time these two fight - I mean EVERY single time - it’s like watching two prisoners in some sort of futuristic death sport battle like their freedom pended on punching a hole through their opponents sternum or something. And yes, that was sort of an oblique nod to the 1994 Ray Liotta classic “No Escape,” in case you were wondering.

Mark Hominick, an Ontario native, put on one of the gutsiest performances in recent memory when he toughed out twenty minutes of savage ass-beatery at the hands, legs, ankles, knees and elbows of Jose Aldo to almost secure a fifth round stoppage against the defending UFC Featherweight Champion in what I consider to be the absolute best fight of 2011 back in April.. And did I mention that he almost pulled off the upset of all upsets with a hematoma the size of a small pumpkin growing on the side of his face? Well, he did, and it was awesome. And really, really hard to look at while eating a plate of nachos, but I digress.

Jung, much like his adversary this evening, fights with a reckless abandon so furious that you kind of have to wonder if he secretly wants to get killed in the cage as part of some convoluted suicide fantasy or something. Known in some circles as “The Korean Zombie,” Jung (no relation to Carl, BTW) scraps EXACTLY as the name implies - slow, methodical, and with absolute ZERO concept of self-protection. “Blocking,” “ducking,” “weaving”. . .these are all gerunds that aren’t in Jung’s vocabulary. Mostly because he doesn’t speak English all that well, primarily, but that’s kind of an aside. In Jung’s last fight, he avenged a controversial 2010 decision loss to Leonard Garcia by submitting him with the first ever successful twister in UFC history. . .which, basically, is the act of trying to shove your opponent’s head through their own shoulder blade until their skull either pops or the beg for the mercy of whichever Sun deity Jung prays to.

There’s approximately a negative infinity chance of this fight going the distance, and a negative infinity plus two probability of it being boring. This fight here may not last very long, but neither does watching a flaming truck filled with explosives crash into a hot dog factory - and in either scenario, explosions of bloody chunks of flesh are to be expected en masse.

Jung comes out to “Zombie” by the Cranberries, which I haven’t heard in years. Hominick comes out to the same song he did at UFC 129, and it’s just as cool a feeling as it was back in April. Hominick’s trainer, Shawn Tompkins, died earlier this year, so he said he wants to dedicate this fight to his deceased mentor. He’s also fighting in his home province so…yeah, no pressure there.

Hominick gets a monster reaction, as expected. He comes out leading with his chin, throws a looping overhand that I think landed somewhere in the Maritimes, and Jung absolutely flattens him with a retaliatory right. Hominick is down, and out. The official knockout time: just seven seconds.

Hominick looks crushed, and this Ontario crowd is livid. Meanwhile, Jung celebrates by letting out a monkey scream and running around in circles in the cage, which is probably the funniest thing you’ll see this week.

Jung’s KO ties the UFC record for quickest knockout, by the way.

WELTERWEIGHT BOUT

Claude Patrick (14-1-0-0) vs. Brian Ebersole (48-14-1-1)

Now here’s a fight that could really end up surprising people. Although neither of these guys are really what you would call household names (even in their own households), the fact of the matter is that both of these guys actually have some potentiality in the Welterweight division - which, in my opinion, is the most competitive division in the entire promotion.

Claude Patrick is the token Canuck (as opposed to the Loonie, which is a Canuck token) in the scrap, and the guy has amassed a pretty impressive win-loss record over his career - in fact, he hasn’t tasted defeat since 2002. If being unbeaten since the Dreamcast was on store shelves wasn’t impressive enough, Patrick is riding a three fight win streak in the UFC, with a couple of really noteworthy wins over…well, let’s face it, people that suck. Sorry, Ricardo Funch, but it’s the truth.

Brian Ebersole, who was originally supposed to throw down with highly touted Welterweight wunderkind Rory MacDonald this evening, is a grizzled MMA veteran who had his first pro fight during the Clinton Administration. He’s currently riding a nine fight win streak, and in his last bout, was given the first - and perhaps only - fight bonus in UFC history for defeating an opponent wearing a banana hammock in battle.

So, what to expect here? Eh (get it, because we’re in Canada!), I reckon this one will be a pretty close contest, so I shan’t even attempt to pick a winner. Except for the guy that doesn’t lose. Those guys almost always seem to win, if you’ve been observant.

Although both fighters are the same age, Ebersole looks like he’s about twenty years Patrick’s senior. I guess having some forty pro fights on your resume will do that to you, I suppose.

Oddly, both guys come out to some western, hip-hop sounding stuff. That could be an omen of things to come. Or maybe not. I’m no soothsayer.. Also, Ebersole has the “TapOut” logo shaved into his chest hair, which, yeah, is pretty much the grossest thing you’ve ever seen.

Ebersole starts round one off by shooting for a takedown. He muscles Patrick into the cage. Ebersole with some solid knee shots. Patrick looking for a guillotine. Damn, that’s a deep one, too. Ebersole in deep trouble here. He eventually manages to snake out, and Ebersole attempts to bully Patrick into the cage once more. Ebersole fires back with some strikes of his own. The round ends, with both competitors clinching.

I’d give it 10-9 for Patrick based on the sub attempt.

Round Two. Patrick with some more knees to Ebersole’s body. Stalemate against the cage, and Ebersole is throwing some funky looking elbows to escape. Ebersole looking for a takedown, and he’s got it. Ebersole goes for a high kick, and Patrick catches the leg. WHOOPS. Now Patrick has Ebersole’s back. Patrick aiming for a rear naked choke, but it isn’t happening. Twenty seconds left in the round, and they tie up once more before the bell sounds.

20-18 for Patrick.

Ebersole immediately shoots for a takedown. Patrick shakes it off, and decides its just easier to pull guard then fight him off. Patrick starts slapping Ebersole upside the had in another legit LOL moment. Things get vertical, and Ebersole attempts a high angle slam, but it doesn’t really land with the impact he wants. Ebersole trying to get his hooks in now. Knowing that he probably isn’t going to secure it, he switches to a single leg takedown instead, and DOUBLE WHOOPS, this results in Patrick grabbing a free arm and working in a kimura. Patrick on top, and he’s looking for a kooky looking choke to end this one. Ebersole gets out, and it’s a standing affair from here on out. Patrick with a flurry of punches, kicks and elbows, and the bout concludes with Patrick almost sinking in an anaconda choke as time expires.

I’ve got it 30-27 for the African-Canadian. And we somehow ended up with a split decision. The hell? 29-28 for Ebersole, 29-28 for Patrick and the decisive 29-28 for…Brian Ebersole. A horrible, horrible judging call here.

Yeah, we all need a distraction to get the taste of awful scoring out of our respective mouths. Well, with about a six months left before I graduate from university, I’m slowly but surely checking my way through a huge-assed list of all the things I wanted to do as an undergrad. Among them? Create an internet meme sensation that doubles as a means of prodding epileptics into seizures. The next time somebody pisses you off, try redirecting them to the below vid, why don’t you?

　

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT BOUT

Tito Ortiz (16-9-1-0) vs. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (19-5-0-0)

Tito Ortiz is one of the few unmistakable legends of this sport. He was one of the most dominant champions in UFC history, and he was pretty much the face of the company during that dark, dark transitional period from the late 1990s up until the Spike TV deal. With his perpetual ass kickings of Ken Shamrock and the fact that he was married to the world’s most famous porn star - which I guess is sort of like owning the world’s nicest used car, I suppose- Tito Ortiz wasn’t just the man in mixed martial arts, he was pretty much the man in general.

And then, like everybody, he started getting old, and everybody started kicking his ass. Chuck Liddell, Rashad Evans, Lyoto Machida, a deaf guy, Little Moe with the gimpy leg: before long, Tito’s ass had gotten tagged up worse than a Coke machine in the Bronx. However, the infatigable Ortiz has had some pretty good fortunes as of late, with a shocking submission victory over Ryan Bader earlier this summer. Uh, just leave out the part about him getting his ass destroyed by Rashad Evans a few weeks later, though.

Antonio Rogerio Nogueira, affectionately known as “Lil’ Nog” - which to me, sounds way too close to a racial epithet for my liking - is sort of the Scrappy Doo of the Nogueira brood. While his older brother may get all of the recognition (especially from frightened children, who wonder why a man with a face like a battle scarred orangutan is out in broad daylight), Lil’ Nog has posted a pretty decent W-L record over the years, even though his UFC forays have been, well, less than impressive thus far.

All things mulled, these two fellows here not wins something bad, and seeing as how history has proven both competitors capable of producing some show-stopping knockouts, there’s a pretty good chance we’ll be seeing someone drop to the canvas face first in this one. Then again, someone could also toss a banana peel into the cage, which I suppose could result in the same transpiring. . .which means, yeah, I really, really want to be playing the new Mario Kart right about now.

Ortiz out with Mexican-American flag, as always. Also, due to his enlarged jaw, he sort of looks like an anthropomorphic Seth McFarlane cartoon character. Just saying.

Ortiz wastes NO time looking for that homerun shot. The problem is, he doesn’t land it. I mean, even come close to landing it. Ortiz tries to sink in some under hooks with Nog against the cage, but not surprisingly, that strategy ain’t working, either. The two trade blows (but not blow) against the cage, and No absolutely ROCKS Ortiz with a monster left. Ortiz tries to cover up, but Nog is just smothering him with strikes. Ortiz gets dropped by a knee to the solar plexus. Ortiz tries for a last ditch triangle, but the Nog onslaught is just too severe. Nog continues to beat Ortiz’s pancreas like a piñata, and mercifully, referee Yves Lavigne (no relation, to Avril, I think) calls this one off at 3:15 of round one.

Of all the Brazilian fighters in the UFC, I think Lil Nog probably has the best English speaking skills. Meanwhile, Tito says he has at least ONE more fight left in him. If he takes another beating like the one he took tonight, it might just be the last fight of his life, for that matter.

I’ve got to say, there are a LOT more frat boys in attendance tonight than usual, and these dudes are VICIOUS, laughing at Ortiz’s tears as holds his stomach in agony. And also, this dude across the table from me looks JUST like Bruce Campbell. I mean, it is ridiculous, really.

Since we have some time to kill, how about a prelim fight up in here? For those of you that care (hint: you don’t), Constantinos Phillippou beat Jared Hamman like a government drum in a fight where Hamman did his best Gumby impersonation after getting flatlined by the irked, Mediterranean-looking dude from Long Island.

Hey! Be sure to play Battlefield 3 this holiday season. Because it goes “above and beyond the call.” Get it? Because it’s making a reference to a competing video game series! Marketing people are the greatest people I know.

HEAVYWEIGHT BOUT

Frank Mir (15-5-0-0) vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (33-6-1-1)

This bout is a rematch of a fight the two had almost three years ago to the day; in that one, underdog Mir finished the interim UFC Heavyweight champ “Big Nog” relatively facilely, giving the ex-PRIDE champ his first Octagon - and knockout - loss ever.

Three years down the road, the two have battled back from some career stifling losses (for Mir, it was his all-time ass beating at the hands of Brock Lesnar back in 2009, while for Nog, it was a 2010 KO loss to Cain Velasquez). Obviously, a win this evening is crucial for both competitors, with a potential UFC Heavyweight championship bid in line for tonight’s victor.

Mir is coming hot off a unanimous decision victory over Roy Nelson, while Nog is riding high after a shocking knockout of highly touted UFC prospect Brendan Schaub in August. And because I have nowhere else to mention this, according to Frank Mir’s Wikipedia page, his actual birth name is “Francisco Santos Miranda,” which may or may not prove pivotal in tonight’s match-up. Well, actually, it won’t be a factor at all, but I just felt like bringing it up.

Big Nog out to Puff Daddy’s sexual molestation of a Led Zeppelin song. Frank Mir comes out to…something. Sorry kids, but I’m just NOW hearing that song about kids with the pumped up kicks, so forgive me for not knowing what the hell’s going on in popular culture right about now.

Nog the early aggressor. Nog and Mir clinch against the cage. Nog landing some short right hands. Mir with some short range punches in response, and some knees to the body against the cage. Mir with a leg trip, but Nog is right back up. Nog has Mir against the fence, and he DRILLS him with a sick right hand. Mir drops, and Nog is looking to finish. Mir looks OUT, but ref Herb Dean isn’t stopping it. Nog switches to an anaconda choke…AND MIR FREAKING REVERSES IT. Holy shit. Nog switches around and locks in a rear naked choke, but Mir COUNTERS AGAIN with a kimura! Nog tries to roll over, but somehow, Mir manages to KEEP the arm lock on. This is like watching one of those 1999 RVD / Jerry Lynn matches where they kept doing all of those crazy ass near-falls. Mir wrenches back on the armbar, and SWEET JESUS IN A BURNING BRICK CANOE, NOG’S ARM SNAPS LIKE A SLIM JIM. Nog taps for the first time in his career as everybody in attendance tries to keep from upchucking their French fries.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/yaNnE2ofaqw

An absolutely UNBELIVABLE fight right there. Herb Dean deserves all the money he gets plus half of Josh Rosenthal’s salary for his officiating here - I am CONVINCED than anybody else on the planet would’ve stopped this fight as soon as Mir initially went down, but this man KNOWS when a fight is really over. Herb Dean, you rule, and we all want you to know it.

Time for about sixty five replays of Nog’s arm getting broken. The hilariously awful thing is that Nog, the tough monkey-faced Brazilian he is, didn’t tap until AFTER his arm was turned into a modern art sculpture. Shee-yet. Mir apologizes for kind of ruining Nogieura’s life from hereon out, but as he tells Joe Rogan in the post fight “Hey man, that’s the business.” Good lord, the karma that’s coming his way in 2012...

A crazy, CRAZY fight you need to see. Needless to say, the main event is going to have to pull out some sublimely out-there shit to top this one. I mean, the craziest.

UFC LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP BOUT

Jon Jones (14-1-0-0) [CHAMPION] vs. Lyoto Machida (17-2-0-0) [CHALLENGER]

As this site’s resident MMA recapper, I really don’t know how I feel about this match-up: primarily, because it forces me to address two things that I have covered AT LENGTH during my tenure here at TWF YET AGAIN.

Alas, I like challenges, so I’ll try my BEST to present you with some new material heading into tonight’s main event, even if it does require me to find new ways to talk about how awesome Jon Jones is, as well as uncover a fresh perspective on the fact that Lyoto Machida drinks his own pee pee.

All right, so what can I say about the current UFC Light Heavyweight Champion that hasn’t already been said? Well, according to a Rolling Stone article I read earlier this year, he decided to become a cage fighter because it was either that or become a janitor, and that most of his “skillz” are self taught via YouTube videos and old-ass self defense manuals. Thanks to his freakishly long arms (which give him the UFC record for greatest reach advantage in the company’s history), it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to tag him, which makes things really interesting because his opponent is perhaps the best counter-puncher in the division.

As far as Lyoto Machida goes, he…you know what, forget it. There’s nothing here I can say that I haven’t said a bajillion times before about Steven Segal, The Karate Kid and piss sipping, so here’s a picture I scammed off the Internet that tells you exactly what to expect out of this fight.

And if we don’t get at least one hurricane kick tonight, I’m going to be a new kind of pissed off.

Machida out to Linkin Park, and no Steven Segal. Well, if he loses, we know why, I suppose. Jon Jones comes out to the “rapping” music, and dig those funky shorts that are cut down the side streams.. So yeah, it does look like he’s fighting in a kilt. Which is either awesome or not. I really can’t tell these days.

Machida getting cheered like crazy, probably because those Canucks SURE DO HATE THOSE GENETICALLY SUPERIOR AMERICAN ATHLETES, no doubt. Jon Jones, as he did in the Rampage fight, comes out crawling on all fours like a frog.. “Why doesn’t he just KICK HIM in the face!” the dude beside me yells. That’s…actually a good point, when you think about it. Machida circles to the outside, while Jones throws spinning kicks and long range punches that don’t initially connect. Jones with a leg kick, and Machida counters with a flurry of punches. That’s the most damage Jones has taken in his entire UFC career up to this point. Machida charges, and cracks Jones with a hard left. Jones misses with a left, and Machida just unloads on the defending champ. For good measure, Machida rattles off another series of punches as the round expires. The champ looks dazed, and for the first time in his Zuffa stint, human.

10-9 for Machida.

Round Two. Machida with some quick tags, and he circles out. Straight up K1 shit right here. Machida catches a Jones kick and cracks him with another right. Jones with a right of his own, but he eats another one from the challenger. Jones bullies Machida into the cage, and the champ earns his first takedown of the night. Jones in the full mount, and those elbows are ready for some sawing. After a huge shot, Machida is bleeding like a stuck pig. The fight is momentarily stopped, and the doctor gives Machida the clear to continue fighting. Clinch, and Jones drops his adversary with a big left. Machida manages to scuttle to his feet, but Jones uses the opportunity to lock in a standing guillotine choke. The ref hops in, as Jones relinquishes the choke. Machida is OUT COLD, folks, as his body drops to the canvas like 205 pounds of potatoes.

Ladies and gentlemen, your winner, and STILL UFC Light Heavyweight Champion…Jon “Bones” Jones!

All I can say is holy shit, what a CRAZY night of fights. This may very well be the most violent night for the UFC in quite some time - at least since that one “Fight for the Troops” show a few years back where Cole Miller had his leg stankified on cable TV and Josh Koscheck made a Japanese dude pay for the sins of humanity with one bowling ball straight jab.

This night was FINISH Heavy like a mother, with only one of the fights on the main card going the distance. Hell, this thing was over before midnight, and that was WITH pretty much all of the prelim fights shown on the PPV.. Although I can’t say that any of the fights tonight are legit fight of the year contenders, they were, if nothing else - HIGHLY memorable, from Ortiz getting his spleen liquefied to Hominick getting humiliated in front of his hometown to Frank Mir ending an MMA legend’s probably livelihood to Jon Jones making Machida sleep like a bitch on live TV.

Seasons beatings, indeed.

HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT:

LOWLIGHT OF THE NIGHT:

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT:

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT’S SHOW

Using your face as a means of blocking punches is probably a bad idea.

It’s funny as hell when people have their ribcages turned into Lincoln logs while their families watch in abject horror.

Being a U.S. citizen is apparently the tiebreaker when it comes to close contests in the UFC.

Watching a guy have his arm broken is just as grisly the nineteenth time you see it as it is the first.

It’s culturally acceptable to thank Jesus right after you choke another man unconscious in front of 30,000 people.

　

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week. Crank up “Don’t Wanna Know If You Are Lonely” by Husker Du and “Promises” by the Buzzcocks, and I’ll be seeing you in a few.

JAMES SWIFT

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