All right, in the interest of fairness, an acceptable alternate title for tonight’s gala is UFC 134: Rio, but if you ask me, correlating fisticuffs with a Duran Duran song just ain’t gelling. As always, we are calling this thing ALIVE from Bailey’s in K’saw, Ga., or as it is sometimes known, BAD STREET ATLANTA, US of A. Well, actually, it’s never been called that, but what the hell ever.

What do you know, it looks like it’s back to school time yet again. For those of you that care (HINT: you don’t), this is officially my senior year in college, which I expect to go about as well as my senior year in high school. The only difference is, I could afford food back then. And people had jobs. And I didn’t wake up with the stinging ache of uncertainty, tears and residuum Taco Bell hot sauce stains in my cornea. Proving Murphy’s Law doth indeed exist, I managed to only spend about 30 bucks on text books this year, but what do you know? The guy with Wi-Fi next door moved out so I can’t steal his Internet to complete Internet assignments/run my myriad Xanga fan tribute sites. And also, if anyone feels like sending me a 6^th edition of the APA Stylebook, HOLLA ATCHA BOY.

As always, our hosts are Mike Goldberg and. . .Kenny Florian? Man, I’m not even sure I can watch an UFC card without hearing Joe Rogan’s half-baked (literally) commentary. This could become an issue later on in the evening, no doubt. Anyhoo, who’s up for some prelims in this muddah?

First up, we’ve got a welterweight clash between Dan Miller and Rousimar Palhares, and good lord, does Palhares look like he took a swim in a kiddie pool filled with HGH. Palhares immediately goes for a sub (no, not the sandwich) and this Brazil crowd is going BANANA. Palahares with a heel right on Miller’s face and a subsequent takedown, but Miller no sells it. Palhares going for a takedown. Palhares lands a NASTY head kick, and he swarms Miller with punches in bunches on the crowd. Then, in one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen in a UFC fight, Rousimar Palhares gets off of his opponent, begins celebrating, and then runs across the cage to declare victory even though ref Herb Dean did not do ANYTHING remotely close to giving him a cue that he had stopped the bout. The match resumes, they two start trading and. . .you guessed it. . .Miller almost knocks out Palhares with a gigantic right. Palhares manages to right the ship with about ten seconds left, scoring another takedown as time expires. INSANITY.

Palhares begins round two by invoking the spirit of Ric Flair and eye gouging his opponent when the ref wasn’t looking. No, really. With Miller trying to remove the index fingernail from his cornea, Palhares lands a billion million knees in the clinch. Miller goes for a guillotine (despite not having anything at all to do with The French Revolution, from what I’ve collected), and Palhares with a slam. Miller going for a triangle. He ain’t getting it. And if you want you some power bombs, you’ve got ‘em. Miller going for another takedown, but Palhares (a dude that once tried to get Nate Marqhardt disqualified by declaring that he had nonexistent lotion on his ankle) grabs the fence a half dozen times to avoid getting slammed. Palhares with a takedown. He’s raining punches. Miller back up, but he just gets taken down again. Palhares in the full mount, which is BIG trouble for Miller. Palhares is rocking him now. The round ends with Miller bleeding like a stuck pig underneath his left eye. Palhares is in total control of this bout.

Round three begins, and both of these guys are gassed. Miller throwing some punches, but they’re pillow soft. The stuff Palhares is throwing is even weaker looking. Miller keeps peppering, and Palhares clips him with a fat-assed left. The fight ends standing, with Palhares landing the more effective blows. Because Palhares dominated in the second, I wouldn’t be surprised if this one was scored a 30-26 across the board for Palhares. And the official scores are 29-27, 30-27 and 30-25 for Palhares. Apparently, Brazilian judges just received the alphanumerical system last week.

Time for a commercial break. Be sure to go see Shark Night 3D, although you also have the option to see it in two dimensions. Or better yet, in no dimensions at all by avoiding such a P.O.S. altogether.

And we’re back! We’ve got Thiago Tavares taking on Spencer Fisher. Tavares, alike most Brazilians, has really, really nice hair. Tavares instantly lands a takedown. Tavares throwing some head kicks that ain’t landing. Tavares clipped, and he’s got a nose bleed. Tavares works for a takedown, and finally gets it with about 2 minutes left in the first round. Tavares proceeds to pound Fisher like a congo drum until time expires.

Tavares storms out of the gate, throwing more wild ass kicks. Fisher has NO takedown defense. Tavares gets the full mount, and he is BRUTALIZING Fisher with ground and pound. After about half a minute of unanswered shots, the referee finally shows human compassion and calls an end to this legalized mugging.

Good lord, Florian is a horrible public speaker. That, and he looks just like an anthropomorphic version of Milhouse from The Simpsons. Jeez, I never thought I would miss the host form Fear Factor so much. . ..

Check the dude holding the poster board that reads “Chael Sonnen is my Bitch.” LOL, international race baiting and misogyny!

All right, we’ve got time for one more prelim. We’ve got ourselves a welterweight showdown between two current regional champs, Erick Silva and Louis Ramos. Silva, I swear, has the absolute nicest hair I have ever seen on someone that wasn’t a weatherman or game show host. And apparently, having a really nice coif allows increased ass kicking abilities, as he minced Ramos in under a minute. After sending Ramos a rocket propelled grenade in fist form, Silva does a back flip and cuts a four minute long promo in Portuguese, thanking half of Rio de Janiero for their aid and assistance. I reckon this Silva kid might just have him a future in this here UFC. . .

Goldberg and White do the hard sell for the PPV. You’d think that after a decade of doing this stuff, Goldberg would have picked up a thing or two but. . .no, just no. For those of you out of the MMA loop, the big story of the week is that UFC just signed a seven year broadcast deal with Fox, so that means that even if you don’t have expanded cable, you ought to have the opportunity to catch at least one or two shows on free TV.. Also, White said that major changes are coming to the company’s production values which means, finally, FINALLY, we’ll be getting rid of that stupid gladiator themed opening package.

And then, as the PPV begins, what do we get? THAT SAME STUPID GLADIATOR THEMED OPENING PACKAGE. I guess that means the future doesn’t officially start until November 12, sadly.

What’s at stake in this match-up? Eh, not much, to be honest. Certainly, both of these guys want a “W” and bad, but it’s pretty obvious that the outcome of the bout will influence the division rankings with about as much impact as tossing a snow pea into the Pacific, but you know what? A lot of times, these “throw-away” fights are actually pretty entertaining and competitive as all hell, and I don’t think ANYBODY out there would object to seeing a knockout or submission to kick off the paid portion of this evening’s program, right?

Let the inconsequential mayhem commence, I say.

Stan comes out to what sounds like background music from The Terminator while Cane comes out to what sounds like mariachi music. Nedkov is, in a word, fat-assed. Cane appears to be in much better shape, but that stride of his is just too cocky for my liking.

Crowd is singing Ole, Ole, even though this isn’t a soccer game. Man, Brazilian people must have bad vision or something. Nedkov stalking. Cane with a couple of leg kicks. Cane goes for another and ends up falling on his ass. Cane back up, and he’s landing a couple of good shots. Nedkov going for the takedown, but he ain’t getting it. Nedkov’s nose is ketchup red after getting momentarily dropped by Cane. Out of nowhere, Nedkov catches Cane with a MONSTER right hook. Cane is down, and Nedkov goes in for the kill. After a minute of unprotected destruction, referee Mario Yamasaki mercifully calls a stop to the contest.

A damned impressive debut from Nedkov, who decides to show his national pride by wiping his bloodied nose all over the symbol of his homeland while Cane cries in the corner. And if that wasn’t weird enough, there are two guys in the bar that apparently are from Bulgaria, who start waving their own flag and running around the place like crazy. Surreal, unquestionably, doesn’t begin to describe it.

UFC legend Royce Gracie is in the house. Jon Jones will be destroying Quinton Jackson in late September. And oh yeah, there’s two or three shows before that one coming up that you don’t care about. Thanks for the heads up, Zuffa.

In the absence of Brock Lesnar, Schaub is probably the closest thing the UFC has to a breakout heavyweight fighter within its rank. His only loss so far has come at the hands of Roy “Jelly Belly” Nelson, and in his last outing, he KO’d MMA legend (translation: wash-up) Mirko Cro-Cop in what I consider to be the best fight of 2011 that nobody really talks about. Pending he wins here (and the loser in the upcoming Velasquez / dos Santos title fight gets face raped in November), Schaub could be looking at a title shot in early 2012. Of course, there’s a certain cauliflower eared Brazilian icon that objects to that statement, and his name just so happens to be “Big Nog.”

Antonio Rodrigo “Minotauro” Nogieura has been out of action for the last EIGHTEEN months. Now, in the interim, I’ve worked out this long-in-the-tooth conspiracy theory that Big Nog was actually KILLED by Cain Velasquez back at UFC 109 and Dana White has gone through hell and high water to cover it up, but eh. All you really need to know is that Nog has been fighting FOREVER, and that he has a face like a marmoset with stage four face cancer. I’m telling you, this guy’s mug puts most alligator purses to shame. Anyway, this is his big “comeback” fight, and you’ve got to see Schaub as the HEAVY favorite for this bout. Even so, by now, we know that the UFC’s heavyweight division is about as predictable as the server speeds of the Playstation Network, so who knows? Maybe, just maybe, the home-country crowd will give Nog all the juice he needs to pull off the upset this evening. But yeah, probably not.

Schaub (an absolute dead ringer for Jason Biggs, by the way) is out first, wearing this hideous air brushed gi sponsored by Marc Ecko. Big Nog, with Junior dos Santos in his corner, comes out to “Kashmir”, thus replacing his time honored tradition of coming out to “Gimme Shelter” by the Stones. Hell, for the last decade, I thought Nogiuera was the only person on the planet that liked that song more than Martin Scorsese.

Nog, obviously, is a huge crowd favorite. The first round begins with a clinch against the cage. Nog going for a takedown, but that isn’t happening. Knee exchange against the cage. Nog lands two in a row, and Schaub clips him with a hard right. Nog with another one-two. Schaub lands three in a row, and then, Big Nog just UNLOADS on him. Schaub goes down, and the place erupts as Big Nog is declared the victor. This show is worth going out of your way to see just to witness the INSANE reaction Nogieura’s victory gets here.

Since our first two matches end prematurely, we try to remedy the ailment by re-showing the Silva / Ramos bout from earlier. You know, the fight that was shorter than the first two fights we saw on the PPV. At this rate, the show’s going to be over at 10:30 EST.

Pearson, on the other hand, is a former TUF winner, and a guy that REALLY needs a “W” here to ensure that he stays on the roster. One of the unwritten mandates of Zuffa, Inc. policy is that if you win on The Ultimate Fighter, you can’t get cut from the roster, but in today’s economy, that kind of stuff ain’t keeping you from finding a place in the bread queue anymore.

So, let’s put two and two together here: we have an ultra-exciting future star-in-the-making taking on a has-been division placeholder that DESPERATELY needs a victory to keep his children in socks and shoes. Essentially, that’s all the ingredients we need for a potential Fight of the Night candidate, and something tells me we are in store for FIREWORKS in this bout. Well, not literally, because it’s illegal to use Roman candles in the Octagon, but you get what I’m saying.

So, uh, the guy next to us at the table doesn’t have hands. And he’s eating a barbecue sandwich. And clapping. That’s like, fifty Buddhist riddles answered right there. Anyway, Ross Pearson is basically a tattooed albino, and Barboza kind of resembles Barack Obama, if the leader of the free world had really, really awesome leg kicks.

Round one begins. Edson throws some high kicks, but Pearson keeps blocking. Pearson tries to bully Barboza into the cage, but it doesn’t lead to much. Shots are exchanged. You know, like when the clinic hands out free flu vaccinations. Barboza with another neat looking kick. Edson gets in close and lands some heavy shots. Pearson tries to land a takedown to end the round, but he isn’t anywhere close to landing it. Probably 10-9 for Barboza.

Round two commences. Pearson throws some looping overhands and Barboza puts him down with a mean right. Another body kick from Barboza. Pearson goes for two consecutive takedown attempts, and he’s 0-2 in his efforts. Clinch, and both guys are landing short range punches. Barboza with another spinning kick. Pearson with some good punches. Say what you will, but this Pearson kid ain’t going down without a fight. Barboza with a solid body shot, which he follows up with a spin kick that misses by a few ZIP codes. Yeah, Pearson just ought to give up on the whole “trying to score a takedown” strategy. The round ends with Barboza scoring some nasty low kicks. Definitely Barboza’s round.

Pearson really has to win the fight here. He comes out with some solid lefts, but those leg kicks of Barboza are keeping him at a distance. And Pearson tries for ANOTHER takedown. Yeah, guess how that one ends up. Pearson gets bopped, and he has a small swelling on the left side of his face to accompany a leaky faucet nose. If you did a shot every time Pearson went for a takedown and Barboza followed up with non-threatening leg kicks, you’d probably have the B.A.C. of Amy Winehouse by now. Pearson really swinging for the fences. Barboza hits him in the head, and the hematoma explodes. Try watching this while a dude without arms eats a Sloppy Joe beside you, and you’ll know what the core definition of “icky” is. Pearson throwing everything at Barboza, but nothing is even close to landing. Barboza goes for a failed takedown attempt himself as time expires. I’ve got this one an easy 30-27 across the board for Edson, but you know how these Brazilian judges are. . .

Split decision for Barboza. Two (29-28)s for Edson, and one (29-28) for Pearson. How anyone could think Pearson won that fight is beyond me, but whatever.

Hey, Jose Aldo and some boxer you’ve never heard of are in the house! And also, I’m almost certain that I saw Sepultura in the front row earlier. Junior dos Santos is in attendance, too. Good to see that in addition to being a corner man, he also bought a ticket to stimulate the local economy.

Let’s take a trip ALL the way back to fall 2007. Can you remember that far back, kids? Well, let me tell you, it was magical time to be alive. The New England Patriots were making a historic, undefeated run in the NFL, Bioshock was giving us all a reason to live, and that pesky economic downturn hadn’t turned middle America into Shanty-Town 3000 just quite yet. And oh yeah, it was also the year of upsets in MMA.

After PRIDE FC fell earlier in the year, perennially injured Mauricio Rua was eventually absorbed into the UFC. His first fight in the organization was against Forrest Griffin, whom pretty much EVERYBODY thought he was going to handily dispatch. However, Griffin put up a hell of a fight, turning that presupposed ass beating into one of the most exciting bouts of ‘07. Eventually, Griffin managed to reel in a nasty heel hook and defeat Rua in the third round, thus leading to “Shogun” taking a year off to recuperate.

Since then, both guys have seen their fair share of ups and downs. In his very next fight, Griffin pulled off yet another upset when he bested Quinton Jackson to “win” the UFC Light Heavyweight Championship in July 2008. After that, Griffin suffered back-to-back defeats at the hands of Rashad Evans and Anderson Silva, before taking a year off for surgery.. In his last bout, Griffin easily surmounted Rich Franklin, and now, he turns his eyes towards another ex-champion.

Since his loss to Griffin in ‘07, Rua has scored wins that range from meh (Mark Coleman) to not-as-meh (Chuck Liddell) to really-not-meh-at-all (the second Machida fight). Unfortunately, his last bout was an absolute ass-demolishing at the hands of the current Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones earlier in March, so he’s definitely in reconstruction phase here.

Needless to say, both men want this victory something fierce. Although it’s quite unlikely that the winner will get an automatic title shot against the winner of the upcoming Jones / Jackson bout, but it’s definitely got to put the winner in consideration for a title shot sometime in 2012.

Well the rematch be as thrilling as their first encounter? Eh, probably not, but these guys usually put on some pretty entertaining bouts, regardless. A fight of the year contender this one may not be, but it should at least give us something sort of interesting to watch while jamming nachos down our throat holes.

Griffin out to Dropkick Murphys, and Rua out to white-trash sounding techno music. And of course, he’s rocking the white-and-tight Brazilian ball-huggers, too. Man, I thought Dana was going to be cracking down on stuff like that following the Dennis Hallman debacle of UFC 133, but whatever.

The crowd, understandably, is super hot for Rua, even if he does kind of look like Squidward from Spongebob Square Pants. Rua out with some knee strikes. Griffin with some retaliatory strikes, but Rua is hitting back with punches that, you know, actually connect. Griffin goes for a high kick. No dice. Rua rears back and drops Griffin with a gigantic right. Rua hops on the cadaver and rains some hammer fists to end this one in the very first round. An impressive performance from Rua here, which almost erases the stain of that ass kicking from Jon Jones earlier this year.

So far, the Brazilians are 6-1 in televised fights. That’s get to give some succor to Anderson Silva, and another reason to knot up that extension cord for Luis Cane.

Hey, did you know that you can watch Shark Night in both 3D and 2D? Well, you can, if you try hard enough. And as the house lights dim and the bathroom line expands, we all know what is upon is: ladies and gentlemen, it’s nigh time for tonight’s main event.

He hangs out with Steven Segal, who if you believe the P.R. folks, taught him and Lyoto Machida how to kick people in the face. His manager, Ed Soares, is the greatest heel-handler this side of Bobby Heenan, and in case you didn’t realize it, Chael Sonnen really doesn’t like him. Since he won the UFC Middleweight Championship in 2006, he’s successfully defended the strap a record NINE times. He’s undefeated under the Zuffa banner, winning ALL 13 bouts he’s participated in over the last five years. He’s considered by just about everybody to be the single best pound for pound fighter on the planet, and the last time he tasted defeat. . .

. . .was at the hands of Yushin Okami.

OK, I’m not trying to mislead you, but still, a loss is a loss. In early 2006, Anderson Silva got DQ’d in a bout against Okami in the LONG forgotten Rumble on the Rock promotion. In case you missed it, Silva basically did what he did to Vitor Belfort earlier this year, only he did it while laying flat on his back. It’s on YouTube, and it’s gristly as all hell and yeah, you need to see it. For all intents and purposes, that bout was the last time Silva saw defeat, and Okami has been waiting almost half a decade for his chance to re-challenge the world’s greatest fighter.

Okami is a MASSIVE underdog here, but then again, so is pretty much EVERYBODY that steps in the Octagon with Silva. His UFC career has been a series of ups and downs, as he’s come SO close to title contention before getting bested in eliminator bouts to send him back to life as a mid-carder. After defeating Nate Marqhardt last year, Okami FINALLY sealed his spot as the company’s number two middleweight, and after sixty months of detours and missteps, Silva v. Okami II is finally a reality.

So, are we in store for yet ANOTHER Silva domination, or will Okami shock the MMA world by pulling off the single greatest upset in the sport’s history? Well, there’s a reason why we settle these things in a cage as opposed to on paper.

Ladies and gentlemen, our main event is about to get underway.

Okami comes out to that song from “Kill Bill.” Apparently, Chael Sonnen reneged on his offer to corner him in tonight’s fight. Silva comes out wearing a “Corinthians” soccer jersey and shorts emblazoned with the Burger King insignia. Now, I’m not saying that calling a mat outside the cage “The Mortal Kombat Battle Zone” is too on-the-nose as a marketing tie-in, but hey, what do I know?

The crowd is positively JACKED for this fight, especially after neither men agree to touch gloves. Okami looks really, really serious. Or constipated. I have a hard time telling which is which, really. Silva, on the other hand, is quite aloof and jumpy. Yeah, no styles clash present here. . .

Round one is officially underway. Okami is the aggressor after an initial standstill. Clinch. Silva throwing some looping A-bombs, but nothing connects. Silva starts dancing, and Okami looks for an opening. Silva with some knees, as Okami continues trying to push Silva against the cage. Knee exchange. Okami goes for a takedown, but es no bueno. Silva clinches and tosses a knee. Silva really isn’t connecting tonight. Silva with a heavy right, and a high left kick ALMOST puts Okami down for good. Okami is literally saved by the bell here. 10-9 for the reigning champion.

Round 2 begins. Silva storms out of the gate. Okami lands a jab, but Silva drops him with a straight right. Okami tries to get Silva to jump in his guard, but the ref stands him up. Silva with his hands down - an old boxing strategy which allows Silva to land a nasty counter punch. Okami falls for it and Silva DROPS HIM with another right. Silva has the full mount, and the ground and pound is on. Okami can’t defend himself, and Silva is chewing him up. And at 2:04, it’s officially waved off.

Ladies and gentlemen, your winner and STILL reigning UFC Middleweight Champion, Anderson “The Spider” Silva.

Well, all in all, that was actually a pretty awesome show, with a number of knockouts, bloodbaths and out and out ass kickings en masse. The Palhares / Miller fight was one of the craziest bouts you’ll ever see in MMA, and the crowd was positively molten all evening. In other words? Yeah, this feels like five dollars well justified.

If you prematurely celebrate anything, it just means that some guy from New Jersey will immediately knock you out five seconds later.

Wiping bodily fluids on a flag is a great way to show homeland pride.

The more anchorman quality a guy’s hair, the more potent his striking skills.

Having a face like an orangutan with third degree burns gets you mixed results (good if you’re Antonio Rodrigo Nogiuera and bad if you’re Forrest Griffin.)

Apparently, Roman Catholics that eat at Burger King are next to impossible to best in battle.

Well, I reckon that’s all I’ve got for this week. Crank up “Drownin’” by Sponge and “Leaving Jesusland” by NOFX, and I’ll be seeing you in a few.