WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
Jericho and Batista? What is this, a pay-per-view?
The Big News: Heat GM Steven Richards has apparently decided to switch to a 75% squash match format. Nelson Frazier may be Vince McMahon's fat, illegitimate son.
Match Results: Batista beat Val Venis; Viscera of all people beat Steven Lee; Tyson Tomko beat Hurricane; Raw GM Chris Jericho beat Heat GM Steven Richards
BATISTA vs. VAL VENIS
Is this Val's first appearance on TV since Kane destroyed him in the UK? Apparently he had brain surgery in the interim, since he's shaved his head nearly bald. Val goes right at him with leg kicks, but charges into a spinebuster, 2. Vertical suplex, 2. Batista throws him through the ropes; he gets hung up but Batista pulls him to the floor, rams him into the barricade, and executes an Undertaker-style apron assault. Back in, scoop slam gets 2. Todd plays the "I get to foreshadow since we might have actually planned something five weeks in advance" card by wondering how long Batista is willing to stay in Triple H's shadow. Val fights back, Batista puts his head down and gets kicked. Val's clothesline knocks Batista backwards into the ropes, Batista bounces right back and kills him with a clothesline of his own. Sitdown powerbomb. 123. Things to note about Coach: 1) he's upset about his match with Randy Orton on Monday, 2) his new term of endearment is "baby boy."
Monster Job of the Week: Trish gets a monster's NOSE job at the Survivor Series -- heh heh! Pretty good joke there, I think, and wait a second, who the hell's music is that? Oh my god.
YEAH, IT'S FUCKEN VISCERA (w/ cape of fatness) vs. STEVEN LEE
Gail Kim, Nidia, Jazz, and Rico: out! Michelle, Joy,
Amy, and Big Vis: in! Improvements
across the board.
Viscera does his fat ass slow crappy offense and
be's all fat.
With Lee facedown on the mat, Vis mounts him and
crossfaces his ... face. Of course, with
Lardass McRolls involved, it looks more like a
disturbing scene from Oz than it does an MMA pounding &
Man, it's tired in here. Albertbomb,
which according to Todd is "the Embalmer from Viscera!"
So not only is Viscera apparently in, but Todd
Grisham learned the name of his finisher? What the hell.
Viscera chokes Lee after the match because he's
deranged and violent and overweight. My apologies for
being so rude to the V-Man, but I was startled to see
him, and come on, the man is fat and bad at wrestling.
Notes from present day: Four years later, Viscera still has a job and I am no longer recapping Heat. So. Clear winner and loser.
ECW Moment: Rob Van Dam wins the TV Title from Bam Bam Bigelow. Not only are these flashbacks great for showing how ridiculously over certain guys who couldn't get past WWE midcard were, but they showcase all these crazy and violent highspots like flip dives into the crowd and flaming table bumps that you won't ever see anything close to on WWE TV. Even if you don't like that style of wrestling, the clips really accentuate how painfully blasť the current product is and will just make people wonder why Raw doesn't have any ranas on cement.
For the benefit of those with flash photography, let us take you back to Edge & Christian vs. Chris Benoit and Shelton Benjamin. E&C teaming up again was something I've been waiting a long, long, long, long, long time for, so while I was happy that they didn't just blow off the backstory, I was pretty sad with how it all went down. Especially since I had dreams of Edge and Christian as a united front of heels against Shawn Michaels, but I guess that would've been too awesome or something.
WWE Rewind: Lingerie pillow fight. So hasn't Amy Weber ended up in a better spot than Christy? That doesn't seem fair, $250,000 notwithstanding. Perhaps the diva contest was not as immaculately planned as we'd originally thought.
TYSON TOMKO DOESN'T SEEM SO BAD ANYMORE vs. HURRICANE (w/o Rosey)
Sign: Hurricane is a Hottie. Imaginary Sign: Tyson Tomko Solved A Problem I Had. This is Tomko's first match since recent knee surgery, we are told. Hurricane ducks a clothesline, Wazupwitaunt tricks Tomko into charging into a back elbow. Hurricane with corner punches, Tomko picks him up, walks him out, and heaves him into the corner. Military press dropped into a fallaway slam, Hurricane rolls to the floor. Tomko rams him into the apron then rolls him back in. Backdrop, neck vice applied. Hurricane fights up, ducks a clothesline, hits a crossbody, but gets cut off with a clothesline. Back to the neck vice. Hurricane up in the corner, Tomko charges into his feet. Tornado DDT, 1 2 no. To the top, flying bodypress, 1 2 no. Hurricane walks into the Big Problem Solving Boot, 1 2 no! Scoop, Hurricane drops behind him and thumbs his eye, but Tomko shortarm reverses a whip into an Olympic Slam into a neckbreaker, which is called the Olympic Slam Into A Neckbreaker. Come on, even Viscera got his move named. 123. Squashes for everyone.
Let us take you back to Maven Night Raw. It was mavenous. Gene Snitsky is no Gene Parmesan.
Tomorrow: Who Will Be GM?
I'm thinking Special Twin General Managers Chandra and
WM Recall: Shawn Michaels rappels to the ring at Wrestlemania 12. Good to see they've worked hard to update these.
Muhammad, Khosrow, and Akbar threaten to revolt against
our very own country.
If American hero Chris Benoit doesn't stand up
for the red, white, and blue and make these men tap out
to the devastating Crippler Crossface, then the
terrorists have truly won.
Notes from present day: Yeah, a lot of weird stuff going on in this paragraph.
CHRIS JERICHO vs. HEAT GM STEVEN RICHARDS
Battle of the GMs? Coach startles everyone by remembering their original match from September 5. Jericho with a headlock takeover, Richards into a headscissors, Jericho kicks out. Jericho performs the King of the World dance, which Stevie mocks. Jericho chops him in retaliation, whips him into the corner and hits a clothesline. Richards rolls out to the floor, gets back on the apron, but retreats out of Jericho's reach. Back in, Stevie suggests a test of strength, but Jericho irritates him by putting up the opposite arm, then taking a cheapshot kick. Off the ropes, Stevie with a sunset flip, Jericho rolls through into the Walls but Stevie scrambles for the ropes. Richards rolls onto the apron, Jericho blocks his punch, thumbs his eye, but airballs on a springboard dropkick and splatters onto the floor when Stevie ducks.
Richards takes over, rolls him back in, and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Back suplex for 2. Katahastevie applied. Jericho gets up but gets yanked back down. I'll Show You You'll See Suplex attempted, but Jericho lands on his feet and somebody hits a neckbreaker, apparently Stevie since he covers for 2. Stevie chokes Jericho across the middle rope, then gets a brilliant idea -- locomotion dance, FOLLOWED BY DUDE LOVE CRAZYLEGS, off the ropes but Jericho stands up, turns around, and clotheslines him. Jericho with a fivearm and shoulderblock. The taunt of "assclown" lures Stevie into getting spiked across the middle rope -- sexy beast dance and sitdown splash result. Bulldog! Lionsault! Hits the knees! Stevie with a Sky Hi Powerbomb, 1 2 no! Now signalling for the Steviekick -- coming up -- caught in a double leg takedown into the Walls of Jericho! Richards taps! Delightful match and fine consolation for a Viscera squash.
My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this. I earned a Master's Degree in DESTRUCITY and PRESS-SLAMMING from WARRIOR University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com. I collect My Little Ponies. My favorite food is banana pudding.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).