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By Justin Shapiro

Justin Shapiro


October 31, 2004: Misterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Lodi

by Justin Shapiro


The rhyming in this "SpikeTV stole my man" commercial is just pathetic, seriously you guys.


Match Results: Rhyno beat Rodney Mack; The Great La Resistance beat Ken Anderson & Lenny Lane; Chris Benoit beat Custom Chucky P


'Hell'come to a 'spook'tacular Halloween Heat with your hosts, or should I say 'ghosts,' Jonathan 'Ghost'man and Todd Grish'vampire.' Tonight's episode: haunted! Also, Chris Benoit returns to Heat for the first time in eight weeks to settle some unfinished business with Chuck Palumbo (cf. Judgment Day 2003).


White Boy Challenge: RODNEY MACK (w/ Jazz, thugwife born, thugwife bred) vs. RHYNO (w/ Tajiri, his mail-order bride)

Who told Jazz that she now has to dress as a leather-clad sex symbol? Because ... I dunno. Mack slaps Rhyno, who *fires* back with his *fists*. Rhyno gets a hiptoss, readies for an early Gore, here it comes, whoops, Jazz pulls Mack out of the way and Rhyno flies through the ropes to the FLOOR FLOOR FLOOR. Jazz puts the boots to him until Tajiri fends her off. Mack rolls him back in for 2. Mack thugs, bugs, elbowdrops for 2. One-arm DDT gets 2. Rhyno fights out of an armbar and his a flying clothesline. Both guys down. Todd tries to tell a story about starting his career in Iowa, but Coach tells him that no one cares. :(


Both guys up. Mack stops Rhyno with a clothesline, then goes to the top rope? But he gets stopped and superplexed! The ring does not break from thickness a la Lesnar/Show. 1 2 no. Mack doesn't really stop to sell the superplexification, reverses a whip and Rhyno hits the corner hard. Rhyno shortarm reverses a whip into a belly-to-belly suplex. INITIATE GORE. Jazz is in to plead for Mack's life, so Tajiri comes in and puts her in the TARANTULA OH SHIT. With Jazz all tied up -- *literally* -- Rhyno is free to deliver a punishing GORE. 1. 2. 3. Replay of the Tarantula making Jazz a Black Widow when Rhyno gores her man to death.


WWE Rewind: Shelton Benjamin wins the Intercontinental Title from Chris Jericho at Taboo Tuesday. Or as Gene Snitsky calls it, "Tah-bew Tewsday."


Let us take you back to the rematch on Raw. Those are some nifty counters and counter-counters. Shelton retains, but Christian has obviously long since mastered the art of feuding with the IC Champion and, therefore, jumps him from behind and lays him out with the Unprettier. Say, say, it was just over one year ago when Jericho and Trish started their wonderful romance angle that had legs all the way through May. It's too bad Christian got hurt and the whole thing fizzled and they didn't even bother to give them a reason to break up. My CLT, or Christian Love Test, indicates that he should start courting that Christy Hemme. Because they have the same name. And because she's apparently something of a slut.


WWE Injured Reserve vote-rocking. It's always nice to see Christopher Nowinski. Mark Henry and Garrison Cade say don't mess with Texas!


THE GREAT LA RESISTANCE (w/ flags) vs. LENNY "Wresscal" LANE (w/o Lodi) and KEN "zo" ANDERSON (w/o ... Icky?)*

*Notes from present day: Holy shit, Vince's illegit son was gay with Lenny Lane on Heat.


Coach assures us that he's going to get his vote on this Tuesday. Sylvain says French stuff. Conway complains about the corrupt American voting system that cost them the tag team titles at Taboo Tuesday. "We've had it with audience participation! We're gonna rebel, and we will regain our World Tag Team Titles, because we are The Great La Resistance!" Coach: "You know what? Me too! I'm rebelling." Todd: "What're you gonna do?" Coach: "I dunno." Lenny Lane, par for the course, has an exact replica of Chris Jericho's old haircut, and even up-on-the-slowtake Todd says he looks like Jericho's older brother. Coach insists that Lenny Lane is much better looking than Chris Jericho. AU REVOIR on Anderson. 123.


Now we go to school. 10 days ago in Harlem, Mick Foley read to children.


Coach also knows how to read, so he checks out his article from Raw Magazine. It is titled "I Am The Coach, That's Why, Any More Stupid Questions?" and it has taken over for Shawn Michaels & Alundra Blayze's Advice for the Lovelorn.


Raw rundown of Bischoff abdicating the GM position and kicking back in the Playa's Club featuring Coach; the rise of Maven fresh off his Heat loss to Robert Conway; Orton losing all title shots forever and blehing the Royal Rumble; Triple H saying hey remember this one http://slashwrestling.com/raw/000110.html


The WWE Monster Job of the Week (ahaha what?) is La Resistance doing the monster job to Chris Benoit all by his lonesome at Taboo Tuesday. Edge & Benoit never should have lost the belts to La Resistance to begin with, or did I just blow your mind???


CHUCK PALUMBO is out and he takes the mic. He annoints himself "'Custom' Chucky P," or ... CCP. The gimmick is officially mechanic, and not a gas station attendant, homeless person, child molestor, or whatever else we've speculated. Chuck compares himself to a Pontiac Trans Am and then talks about how mad he is about not being voted into the IC Title match at Taboo Tuesday. He tells us, however, that he's not going to overheat. Right, because ... he is a car now. He tries to get over "Custom Chucky P" one more time but is cut off by the Rabid Riff.


"CUSTOM" CHUCKY P vs. CHRIS BENOIT (w/ two belts once more)

Crowd says Benoit Benoit Benoit. Chuck knocks him down with a shoulderblock for 1. Chuck with a headlock, shoved off, Benoit hits a back elbow. Benoit ironically takes Palumbo to the chop shop in the corner, but Chuck spins him around and buries his shoulder in Benoit's fabdomen. Back to the headlock. They are working out of this headlock like the Dynamite Kid and Custom Satoru S. Benoit up, off the ropes, baseball slides under Chuck's legs and chops him with ferocity. Benoit avoids a mafia kick and Chuck crotches himself on the top rope and bounces to the floor. What omg BENOIT'S DEATH TOPE* WORKS HEAT. Both guys are dead on the floor so we go to commercial.

* Notes from present day: :-/


Take some tips from the experts at CSI. Like, hey this Sara Sidle is a *babe*. The next WWE mystery assailant angle should be solved CSI-style. Like, "it's Simon Dean's shoeprint, but the DNA says ... CHAD PATTON!?!" Yes, it seems that Chad Patton murdered Lillian Garcia. And Grissom = Tyson Tomko, because he is a problem solver.


Back with Chuck stomping on Benoit. Back suplex gets 2. Coach says Chuck is of "sound mody," malaproppin' mind and body, so Todd tells him, without irony, that "pobody's nerfect." Alright, these guys rule. Chuck catches a Benoit kick and clotheslines him for 2. Chuck with a discus punch for 2. Benoit ducks a swing and yanks him down in the crossface, but Chuck is safe in the ropes. Chuck with an elbowdrop and an elbowdrop and an elbowdrop for 2. Coach says that if Chuck can beat Chris Benoit, drinks are on the Coach. Chinlock applied. Todd: "Chris Benoit's motto is that he is for real, and right now, he is for real in trouble." Dude.


Chuck whips Benoit into the corner, but charges into his foots. Benoit rams into him with a shoulderblock and both guys are down. Chuck with a scoop into Snake Eyes -- Benoit drops behind him -- German suplex -- blocked -- elbowed out of -- Chuck with a kick -- caught -- dragon screw -- Sharpshooter -- kicked off -- Chuck up, swings, ducked -- German! German! German! German! German! The Heat record is nine. Benoit to the top -- headbutt of course misses. Both guys are dead. Chuck hits the Mafia Kick, one two NO. Chuck picks him up for the fallaway Samoan drop, but Benoit turns it into the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE YEAH YOU DID and Chuck taps. That was plenty of fun. Chris Benoit's motto is that he is for real, and right now, he is for real victorious.


Tomorrow: Bischoff is back in charge.




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in DESTRUCITY and PRESS-SLAMMING from WARRIOR University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


October 24, 2004: Spirit Squad Gets Heat

by Justin Shapiro


The Big News: Last week's WWE Rewind was the same as this week's WWE Rewind.  And all sorts of photographs were taken at Taboo Tuesday.


Match Results: Rosey beat Heat GM Steven Richards; Rodney Mack beat Mike Mondo; Robert Conway beat Maven


Pyro!  This wheel shall explode!  Jonathan Coachman is in a poor mood.  And not just because this is week two of inifinity for Full Time Grish.


Hey, whatever happened to the elections for Raw and Smackdown advertised at the shareholder's conference?  Did they turn into Taboo Tuesday?  Coach is unhappy about that whole dress thing, but proud that he beat both of these Heat superstars in the Intercontinental Title balloting.  Rosey somersaults out of an armbar, but Stevie kicks him in the leg.  Stevielanche in the corner ... has little effect on Rosey, as you might presuppose.  Rosey counters with the RoSeyTee.  Actually with a shoulderblock, followed by a vertical sitdown splash.  Stevie shoves Rosey in frustration once twice thrice before Rosey shoves him back onto his be-hind.  Bodyslam, spinning legdrop misses and all the momentum and gravity and fat torque that leg on impact.


Stevie kicks away at the leg and applies a kneebar, a "figure-two-and-a-half leglock" according to Coach On Color.  Would ESPN, even on a Division III college game, ever do a broadcast where neither announcer has any kind of background in football?  Maybe they should?  Stevie's spinning toehold is kicked off, sending him facefirst into the corner.  Rosey starts the comeback but avalanches into a big Stevie boot.  Richards' second rope crossbody is CAUGHT and slammed.  Rosey to the second rope -- oh my -- AHHHHHH SAMOA JAM.  Splat.  123.  Stevie is mighty courageous to lay there and let a 350-pound guy drop his butt from a distance onto his unprotected face.


WWE Rewind: Batista whallops Jericho two weeks ago on Raw and one week ago on the WWE Rewind.  Scandal.  It rewound to last week.  WWE Rewind is asleep at the wheel.  What a crock.


Let us take you back to Orton & Jericho vs. Flair & Batista on Raw.  Black-and-white still photos of Orton and Flair's handshake from last Tuesday.  Results of the IC Title voting and still photos of Shelton Benjamin winning the belt.  Taboo Tuesday truly the most innovative revolutionary phenomenal concept in the history of weeknight PPVs.


More Taboo Tuesday stills, this time for Snitsky killing Kane, which is poppycock since Kane survived Shane McMahon throwing him into a burning dumpster as well as Shane McMahon blowing up a car with him in it and didn't miss but a week each time.


White Boy Challenge: RODNEY MACK (w/ Jazz [w/ leather]) vs. MIKE MONDO
Isn't that Snitsky's brother or sumtin?*  Mack tells Mondo that he doesn't belong in his hood.  The Undertaker's yard is located in Mack's hood which is part of Triple H's world.  Coach still has a residual boner from the schoolgirl and lingerie matches.  Everything about Christy is gay except her sexual relations with women.  That Lillian deal was just uncomfortable.  I rate it a DUD on the Victoria & Nidia HLA scale, possibly negative stars since you just felt bad for both of them.  Coach explains that Mondo doesn't understand what it's like to be from the hood, unlike Rodney, Jazz, and the Coach.  Mondo lands on his feet off a Mack hiptoss, which is neat.  Coach to Todd: "Don't include me in your life." 

* Notes from present day: In OVW, Snitsky portrayed Mean Gene Mondo, Mike "Mikey!" Mondo's brother.

Mondo is thrown to the floor, where Jazz blasts him, loses her shades, but breaks it down anyway.  Because that's how the Macks roll, man.  Coach asks Todd how his chin is, which is an interesting way to phrase the question all things considered.  Todd "considers it an honor that Shawn Michaels kicked me in the face ... or in the chest ... I don't even know, I was knocked out cold!"  Judges?  Todd claims that Shawn apologized, but Coach doesn't believe him.  Mondo gets more offense than most babasganooch, but still falls to one knee and gets himself Ghetto Blasted.  123.


Survivor Series press conference to get amped for the show doing its lowest buyrate since 1996.

International tour summary.  European accents!


WWE Slam of the Week: Edge steals a pin on Triple H from Shawn Michaels.  Let us take you back to Michaels vs. Benoit vs. Edge.  We pick it up right after Ortiz's single.  They emphasize Michaels' knee injury.  That kipup looked like my kipups.  Bonus footage of Michaels being helped to the back after the match.  Still photos from Taboo Tuesday of Edge spearing Michaels.  We are told that Michaels will have surgery this week, but he'll be back at the Republican National Convention in no time with revenge on his mind.


ROBÉRT CONWAY (w/ Sylvain Grenier) (w/ flags) (w/o world tag team titles) (w/ foresight) vs. MAVEN (w/ tiny, tiny tights and not much else)

If Conway, Grenier, and Rene Dupree were all holding tag titles at the same time before last week, then should Dupree have even bothered to leave Raw?  Sylvain: "Ahem ahem ahem.  Oooooooo Canada" interrupted by Theme From Tough Enough.  Maven's pants are f'n small.  Coach says Maven needs someone to push him in the right direction; he'd do it but he's busy.  Maven with a shoulderblock for 2, headlock takeover for 2, and 2 again.  Conway throws Maven over the top rope, but he lands on the apron and nails Conway with a shoulder to the gut.  Grenier grabs his leg, Grenier gets kicked off, but Conway knocks him to the floor.


Grenier stomps away and Conway rolls him back inside for 2.  Chinlock, Conway picks Maven's nose, Maven fights up and turns it into a back suplex.  It is a slug fest.  Won by Maven.  Fivearm, dropkick (shades of Maven), dropkick (shades of Maven), 2.  Backdrop, off the ropes, Grenier grazes Maven's leg, so he turns around and steals the Quebec flag.  Maven brandishes the flag, swings at Grenier, and swings at Conway before Referee Chad Patton takes it from him.  Patton taking forever to dispose of the flag, allowing Grenier to sneak in so they can hit Au Revoir.  123.  My darling, je vous aime beaucoup.




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


October 17, 2004: Snow More Mr. Nice Guy; Bi or Sell

by Justin Shapiro

We're in England.  There goes David Brent.  I must remember to thank him.

The Big News: Al Snow has left to train a bunch of tall guys and the Coach/Grish era has begun.


Match Results: Shelton Benjamin beat Heat GM Steven Richards; Tajiri beat Chuck Palumbo; Victoria & Nidia beat Molly Holly & Gail Kim


Ha ha, Lillian Garcia has to work Heat.  Oh crap, Todd Grisham has to work Heat.  From now until forever.  The Coach welcomes the Grish to full-time duty, as Al Snow has been reassigned to Smackdown, joining Matt Hardy, Chris Benoit, D-Von Dudley, and Rico as the only men to make the rare double-brand switch.  And technically you might also count this guy,



I recognize that Shelton has apparently set himself on a quest to be crowned the King of Heat, but I'm not sure that's the best choice he can make for his career.  However, who better to go after in that quest than the boss himself?  Three potential opponents for Chris Jericho at Taboo Tuesday will be showcasing themselves in this match -- Benjamin, Richards, and Coach.  Super UK heat for Shelton.  They oops on an armdrag, but Shelton continues to work over the arm.  Steven gets the ropes, shoves Shelton, swings at him, but Benjamin catches his arm and dumps him with a fireman's carry and furious fisting.  Err.  Stevie tries to crawl away, Benjamin catches him by the foot, but Stevie stands up and hits an enzuigiri.  Todd: "I guess you could call it an enzui-stevie, how do you like that one?"  Coach: "That's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard."  Aw. 


Stevie takes control with a neckbreaker and a forearm drop for 1.  Chokes him across the middle rope then dropkicks him in the back.  Chinlock & bodyscissors applied.  Coachman-as-analyst is truly something to behold.  Shelton fights to his feet and hits a jawjacker to break it.  I'll Show You You'll See Suplex coming up -- Shelton goes all the way up and all the way down, landing on his feet behind Stevie and hitting a neckbreaker.  Nifty.  Shelton fights back with a whole buncha strikes, back elbow, side Russian legsweep for 2.  YJ Stinger Splash attempted -- missed -- but -- Shelton lands feetfirst on the top turnbuckle, whoa, and turns around to hit a flying clothesline!  YJ Stinger Splash!  This suplex will self-destruct!  123.  Shelton proves himself to be a more worthy IC Title challenger than Steven Richards.  Arguably.


Kane/Lita saga video.  My baby this, my baby that.  QUOTABLE SNITSKY: "Kane said, 'Snitsky is a dead man!'  Let me repeat that, and I quote, 'Kane said, "Snitsky is a dead man!"'"  Let ME repeat that, and I quote, "and I quote, 'Kane said, "Snitsky is a dead man!"'"  Also good was "Waaaaaaaah, wah hah hah," which he says, let me count, three four five six seven EIGHT times.  And here's the Raw tag match that wasn't, as the Heat Universe implodes when we see Steven Richards teaming with Val Venis.


WWE Rewind: Batista whallops Jericho.  Vote Batista!  (If you want to!)


CHUCK PALUMBO (w/o FBI) vs. TAJIRI (w/o Akio and Sakoda)
Coach is still proud of beating Tajiri at Backlash.  Chuck with a scoop, Tajiri slips behind and kicks away.  Tajiri hits a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, corner whip is reversed, Chuck charges into the Tarantula.  Execution Kick coming up already -- Chuck ducks, stands up, catches his kick and clotheslines him.  Tajiri rammed into the corner and short-clotheslined.  Tajiri fights back with kicks but Chuck spins around and flattens him with a discus punch.  Snap mare, kick to the back, 2.  Chuck puts his head down for a backdrop and gets kicked, Tajiri with a crossbody for 2.  Chuck cuts him off with a clothesline for 2.  Corner whip, Chuck charges into Tajiri's elevated feet, spinning heel kick.  Both down. 


Both up.  Chuck punch Tajiri kick Chuck punch Tajiri kick Chuck punch Tajiri kick kick kick!  Kicks win.  Chuck reverses a whip, Tajiri hits the handspring elbow.  Bodyscissors lifted into a bulldog gets 2.  Chuck goes for a vertical suplex, Tajiri lands behind him and gets punched in the face, Tajiri goes down?  1 2 NO.  Jindrak is trying to teach his former partner the punch of death.  Corner whip, Tajiri tries to go up and over but gets caught on Chuck's shoulder.  Snake eyes attempted but Tajiri slips behind him, avoids the Mafia Kick, hits his own deadly martial arts kick, 1 2 3!  A brilliant match, as it were, at least in the English vernacular where brilliant is used to mean something moderately positively.


British people put over Raw in delightful British accents.


A snazzy Taboo Tuesday video airs with a nerd typin' away at his computer, single-handedly altering the fates of all the WWE superstars.  Hey, maybe since Michaels and HHH won't have any time to overthink another 40 minute long matchturbation, they'll actually have a really great singles match on PPV instead of their last two bloated bouts.  Or maybe since Benoit and HHH won't have any reason to overbook their finish, they'll actually have a really great singles match instead of making it a backdrop to getting Eugene over.  ACTUALLY, the coolest thing would be if they said that Benoit and Michaels got the exact same number of votes, so HHH has to defend against both of them in A Wrestlemania Rematch.  And Edge has to wrestle La Resistance in a handicap match as punishment for being a jerk.


Let us take you back to Edge spearing Michaels and Benoit on Raw.

Tomorrow: Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Benoit vs. Edge.  The show ends with Michaels laying out both guys with superkicks while J.R. is all "Uh, too close to call!  Vote now!"


WWE Slam of the Week: all the women run-in to set up the battle royal.



I what the.  What in the.  What in the world.  Victoria and Nidia are coming out.  And they're doing a ridiculous dance routine.  Suggestively.  They're bumping.  They're grinding.  They're ... not the ladies to mess with.  Well that was tremendous.  Molly and Victoria start.  Victoria hits two Japanese arm drags and the Victoriassault for 2.  Tag to Gail who charges right into a powerslam for 1.  Tag to Nidia, double whip, double hiptoss, holy crap double Too Cool Crazyarm Elbowdrop.  Nidia with a Northern Lights suplex (shades of Maven) for 2, Northern Lights suplex (shades of Maven) again, referee is tied up with Victoria for whatever reason and Molly breaks up the cover.  Tag to Molly, elbowdrop gets 2.  Tag to Gail, they kick away at her in the corner, she holds onto the ropes so Molly grabs her by the legs and yanks her off into a backbreaker on Gail's well-placed knee and that was cool.  They get the hot hot heat on Nidia. 


Coach wonders if the women's title has ever changed hands in a battle royal before while ***Gail Kim*** chokes Nidia.  Thankfully, he decides it probably has, but never in a Fantasy Fulfillment Battle Royal.  Meanwhile, the Todd actually says to Coach, "As Gorilla Monsoon used to say to Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan, you are a fountain of misinformation."  I'll be darned.  They continue to work over Nidia, until ... Gail holds her in place in the corner for the handspring back elbow, Nidia moves and Molly nail kims Gail Kim!  Molly tries to corral her but gets kicked off.  Tag to Gail!  Tag to Victoria!  We all fall down!  Whirl-a-tilt slam on Gail!  1 2 broken up by Molly!  Molly SPEARED by Nidia!  Gail's clothesline to Victoria is blocked and turned around up into the Widow's Peak, holy crap, 1 2 3!  From that opening dance number through the finish, that was a ton of fun.


Tomorrow: Michaels vs. Benoit vs. Edge.




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


October 10, 2004: Doring Escape

by Justin Shapiro


It is charming how Shelton Benjamin hasn't forgotten his roots.  Ever since returning to the Raw Brand of sports entertainment, Shelton has regularly paid homage to his salad days of 2002 on Sunday Night Heat by returning every couple months to wrestle a local Heat superstar.  On 4/25, he defeated Rhyno.  On 6/20, Garrison Cade.  Tonight, ain't there no stopping "Mister" Benjamin when he tries to out-thug and out-bug none other than Rodney Mack??


Match Results: Victoria beat Gail Kim; Tajiri & Rhyno beat Arch Kincaid & Danny "Morrison" Doring; Maven beat Heat GM Steven Richards; Shelton Benjamin beat Rodney Mack


Kaboom pyro.  One wonders how many more Sunday Night Heats with Al Snow one has left.  Too bad he has to spend one of his last weeks of Heat with Todd Grisham instead of his compadre Jonathan Coachman.  I guess Coach is selling the RKO?  Or training for his match with Jericho?*

* Notes from present day: It took me forever to figure out what that means.  Coach was on the Taboo Ballot for the Intercontinental Title match.



Victoria, care to comment on the revelation that it was your former beau Stevie Richards who was dressing up as Some Mysterious Woman and interfering in all of your matches?  No?  Care to get hit with a single-arm DDT and have your shoulder worked over?  Okay.  Gail rams Victoria shoulderfirst into the turnbuckle and then vogues.  Hammerlocked back suplex gets 2.  Victoria reverses a corner whip and makes the one-armed comeback.  High Gailavation Backdrop gets 2.  Victoria's clothesline becomes Gail's crucifix becomes Gail's sunset flip becomes Victoria's sitdown cover for 2.  Kick wham Widow's Peak!  123.


WWE Slam of the Week: Shawn Michaels pins Christian.  Announcers play up Shawn's win as big time momentum for Taboosday and Al goes as far as to say that he'd vote for Michaels at this point.  So much for that climactic final epic battle at Hell in a Cell.  We're going to get five Michaels/HHH PPV main events per year, aren't we?*

* Notes from present day: Here's mud in my eye.  Taboo Tuesday '04 was the last Michaels/HHH singles match to my recollection except for a Raw main event just before Wrestlemania 22.



I'm pretty sure Finkel announces him as Doring, but Todd decides to call him Danny Morrison for the heck of it, despite the fact that his tights say DORING.  Rhyno hits the DORE DORE DORE on Doring and Kincaid gets the execution kick, 123.  This is one of the bonus matches on the Rise and Fall of ECW DVD.  It's in the "fall" portion.*

* Notes from present day: Well first of all, what a great joke.  Second of all, just think of everything to come for both ECW and Doring himself, who actually very briefly reprised both his tagteam with Roadkill and his last name for a WWE run in the lucrative position of working ECW house show openers against the FBI.


Here is a very special look at the Great Debate between Mick Foley and JBL, hosted by the ambassador of hipness to young persons everywhere, Stephanie Marie McMahon-Levesque.  Bradshaw says the United States Armed Forces have never retreated once?  Not once?  Ever?  What about ... the Civil War?  Yeah, what *about* the Civil War.


WWE Rewind: Carmella is too good for Eugene and the fans, but Christy is a woman with needs.  Special needs.  Twelve weeks of divas slutting it up and the only two people who've gotten any so far are Kamala and Eugene?


MAVEN (w/ tiny red trunks) vs. HEAT GM STEVEN RICHARDS

Maven is showin' it off.  Stevie jumps him while he's posing on the turnbuckles, then gets chased out of the ring, around the ring, and back into the ring, where he hits the ropes and runs into a Maven clothesline.  Maven catches a Stevie kick and yanks him into a powerslam for 1.  Stevie gets an eyepoke and whips Maven chestfirst into the corner.  Dropkick to the gut gets 2.  Katahastevie applied.  Maven fights up but gets slammed back down.  Stevie signalling for a Steviesault?  Uhh he heads up but Maven catches him in the Electric Chair!  Bzzzzzzzztelectrocution.  Maven hits some clotheslines, a backdrop, and a dropkick (shades of Maven) for 2.  Someday soon I'll explain shades of Maven.  Stevie cuts him off with a knee, SteVieT attempt -- Maven takes him down with a double leg and a jackknifecradle123!  Stevie is not pleased.  Maven is pleased.


Lita baby Snitsky Kane carriage pipe.  When was the last time Kane bladed?


Taboo Tuesday: Kane vs. Gene Snitsky, Weapon of Choice
A. Lead Pipe

B. Steel Chair

C. Steel Chain


Let us take you back to lumberjacks.  It's Jericho and Hunter's first singles match since April 25, 2002.  Jericho won that match, so it makes sense for HHH to get the win back here, natch.  RKOs for everybody.  This guy Randy Orton is so cool and tough and good at wrestling!


Taboo Tuesday: Randy Orton vs. Ric Flair

A. Falls Count Anywhere Match

B. Submission Match

C. Steel Cage Match


Taboo Tuesday: World Title, Triple H vs.

A. Chris Benoit

B. Shawn Michaels
C. Edge


Taboo Tuesday: Intercontinental Title, Chris Jericho vs.

A. Batista

B. Christian

C. Shelton Benjamin

D. Rhyno

E. Tajiri

F. William Regal

G. Jonathan Coachman

H. Tyson Tomko

I. Heat GM Steven Richards

J. Maven
K. The Hurricane

L. Rosey

M. Chuck Palumbo
N. Rodney Mack

O. Sylvain Grenier
P. Robert Conway
Q. Val Venis

R. Chief Morley

S. Nidia

T. The Rock


Two of  WWE's hottest divas, Stacy Keibler and Sue Aitchinson, accept an award from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.


White Boy Challenge: RODNEY MACK (w/ Jazz) vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN

Todd informs us that Benjamin "has come back with a venjamince."  Unintentionally, unfortunately.  Shelton outwrestles Mack, then kips up and decks him.  Mack stops Benjamin with an eyepoke and distracts the ref, allowing Jazz to PUNCH him in the face.  Mack chokes him.  Single-arm DDT gets 2.  Shelton ducks a swing and hits a side Russian legsweep.  Punches and kicks and a top rope clothesline for 2.  Jazz gets on the apron so Shelton can whip Mack into her.  Bonk!  YJ Stinger Splash!  VW Exploder suplex!  123!  Short matches tonight!


Tomorrow: Raw Save The Queen.




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


October 3, 2004: Have Mercy

by Justin Shapiro


The more things change, the more they ... get worse?

2004 _ 2003

Undertaker/JBL < Undertaker/Lesnar

Show/Angle = Show/Eddie

Cena/Booker < Cena/Angle

Guerrero/Luther < Benoit/A-Train


For extra discomfort, imagine having Emerging Superstars Cena and Guerrero in your hands a year ago, then think of how much they've been flattened out since around May.  Hence, you've still got Undertaker in the main event and Big Show in the #2 program.  And if the PPV booking has set up Big Show as the next Layfield challenger (or JBL/Show/Angle to transition to champ Angle?), then I guess things are looking even awesomer.


Match Result: Mark Jindrak beat Scotty 2 Hotty


Todd Grisham and Ivory must be freezing outside of the Continental Airlines Arena, here for a "loaded card from top to bottom."  Ivory sends it over to "[her] man, or should [she] say, Heidenreich's man," Michael Cole, alongside Tazz.  Uh, burn?  According to Cole, Big Show is so mad about what Kurt Angle did to him that he shaved the rest of his head.  Making him even madder ... at himself.


Kidman and London get a video package?  No way!  This has certainly been simmering for a long time, since they first won the titles in, what, July?  Hey it's Jamie Noble.


Josh Matthews stands with Billy Kidman.  Kidman tells Josh he has no idea how emotional the last six weeks have been.  Nobody out there knows the pain he's gone through.  No one was there for him, neither Paul London nor the Fans.  London turned his back on Kidman first, so tonight he's taking care of the only person who cares about him and the only person who he cares about.  His really hot wife?  Nope, himself.


Two weeks ago, Mark Jindrak assisted in cutting off Big Show's hair.  Tonight: Mark Jindrak meets Show's former friend A-Train's former friend Scotty 2 Hotty.  A loaded card gets that much more loaded.  Fully loaded.


Todd and Ivory mention Spike Dudley defending the cruiserweight title against Nunzio.  That's Nunzio's first singles match ever on WWE PPV, isn't it?  Actually, it might be Spike's too, which is kind of amazing. 


Despite Ivory's best efforts to derail him, Todd introduces a feature on the making of John Cena on the cover of Muscle & Fitness.  It's a photoshoot at his hometown gym with ACK! a scary picture of John from his competitive bodybuilding days.


Cole and Tazz introduce the package on the Fastest Sellout in Wrestlemania and Staples Center History.  All these people might not be so thrilled anymore when they actually announce the card.*  Then again, I don't think anyone last fall would've anticipated the booking to turn around in such a big way by January in time for a super Mania build-up, so who knows.

* Notes from present day: And as it turns out, they were!  I probably would’ve made this same comment in October 2006 and ended up just as wrong.


Video package for Angle vs. Big Show.  I like how when Kurt Angle says that he wants to lead a stable, one thinks, "Oh man, Kurt Angle & The Good Workers, bring it on Charlie Haas."  And then it's Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak.  Sweet.


Earlier today, Kurt Angle & The Muscular Tall Guys rode in an elevator.


Best of Carlito Caribbean Cool.  Coming Thursday.


A bunch of jacked up dudes' audition tapes for the Million Dollar Tough Enough.  I'm hoping for the return of WENDELL~~~.


Video package for John Cena vs. Booker T.  The champ was here.


Josh Matthews' WWE.com exclusive interview with Booker T from the parking lot last Thursday is no longer exclusive.  He says there's no way in hell he's losing, bet your money on Booker T.


WWE Rewind: altercation between Dawn Marie and soon-to-be Mrs. Jackie.  Kind of reminded me of that Nitro where David Flair and Stacy Keibler were all of a sudden an on-screen couple one week with no explanation since they were dating in real life.  Tonight, a six-person tag: Dudleys and Dawn vs. Haas, Rico, and Jackie.  Team ECW (w/ the teachings of Paul Heyman) vs. Team OVW (w/ the teachings of Jim Cornette).


Video package for Undertaker vs. John Bradshaw Layfield.  JBL calls on Viscera and Gangrel.  Undertaker retaliates by bringing back Naked Mideon and Masturbating Faarooq.


Tomorrow: Raw in Madison Square Garden.
Tomorrow: Kane is mad.

Tomorrow: HBK vs. CLB.



Jindrak and Reigns are being referred to as "the proteges."  Another look back at Jindrak's role in the Show shave.  I dunno why they're putting the haircut heat on Jindrak, 'cause why would Show feud with him if he already beat Angle?  Jindrak dominates, Scotty slips behind on a scoop, rollup for 2.  Jindrak clothesline for 2.  Bunchaelbowdrops for 2.  Dropkick for 2.  Chinlock, Scotty elbows out, clothesline staggers Jindrak, flying clothesline knocks him down.  Scotty charges into a back elbow, but ducks a swing, hits a superkick and both guys are down.  Scotty up, Jindrak ducks the WORM Bulldog, Scotty turns around into a Jindrak left hand, 1 2 ... 3?  Well alright.  A Connection of Perfection.  Actually, who would've thought that Teddy Long and Jindrak would each end up in such high profile spots after their pairing went less than nowhere?


Overall Card video package set to the tune of one of those intense, soulful James A. Johnston hard rock ballads in the tradition of "The End (is Here)."  Haha, I don't think they mentioned the RVD/Mysterio tag title match once all night.




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


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November 7, 2004: Black: Out, Palumbo: Chucked, Nidia: Goner’d, Jazz: On A Bad Note
Justin Shapiro

My apologies, the world, for being late with this week's WWE Sunday Night Heat TV report. But who's all that eager to show up for a funeral, you know?*

* Notes from present day: This was a big bloodletting couple of weeks with a ton of releases, which also included Gunn: fired, Test: aced, Prince Albert: canned, Linda Miles: to go, and Rico: outed.


Match Results: Val Venis beat Rodney Mack (X); William Regal beat Ken Anderson; Rosey beat Chuck Palumbo (X); Molly Holly & Jazz (X) beat Victoria & Nidia (X)


The Final White Boy Challenge: RODNEY MACK (w/o Jazz) vs. VAL VENIS

Justin Roberts is doing the ring announcing again. Maybe the Howard Finkel era is coming to a close to make way for the Christy Hemme revolution. The sad gets sadder when Rodney doesn't even get to boogie to the ring with Mrs. Mack one last time, as we're told she's preoccupied with her own match later tonight. We have indeed seen these two go at it a number of times, but this one should be definitive.


Mack takes control by cheapshotting Val during a ref separation. Val reverses a whip into the series of kneelifts into the Russian legsweep and gets 1. Mack shortarm reverses a whip into a powerslam. Elbows and knee to the back, 1. Punches from the mount, 2. Bodyscissors plus chinlock applied but Val gets the ropes. Mack puts his head down on a backdrop, gets kicked, Val hits two clotheslines. Half nelson suplex is blocked, but Mack runs into a spinebuster. Val to the top rope. Uh oh. Money Shot. 123. Goodbye, Rodney Mack. We will always know that it is the Mack Militant.


Favorite Rodney Mack Memory: Besides all the dancing with Jazz, I gotta go with Goldberg ending the White Boy Challenge at Madison Square Garden in June 2003.


WWE Rewind: Shelton Benjamin defeats Viscera. Why the FLIP would Christian hire Viscera as a one-night problem solver instead of his former mentor and master, Mr. David Heath or should I say Gangrel?


WILLIAM REGAL (w/ "Born Naughty" t-shirt and wildly inappropriate entrance music) vs. KEN ANDERSON

Potent quotables. Coach: "Well, we know Ivory's an idiot, we know that." Todd: "Coach, you know more than anybody, it takes more than a good physique to be a successful superstar." So Todd Grisham is smarter than Johnny Ace. Regal finishes this with a ... running knee to the face? Okay. I wonder if we're going to 75% squashes on Heat from here on out.

The original Mohammad Hassan promo from Raw, though as you probably know by now, there's a jump cut that skips "Praise Allah" and goes right to the translation. Todd hopes that the audience will give Hassan a fair chance!


Let us take you back to Edge costing Benoit the tag titles against La Resistance. About a year and a half into their run, La Resistance is coming dangerously close to Smoking Gunns territory as the most useless dominant-by-default tag team in WWF history. The Edge/Benoit angle was great though.


"Tomorrow": Chris Benoit vs. Edge.


WWE Slam of the Week: Lita is laid out by Trish Stratus and Gail Kim. Favorite Gail Kim Memory: Well, not the cringing and feeling bad every time she messed up a highspot. Maybe her hype videos as a ninja princess from the future. Goodbye is too good a word, babe, so I'll just say fare thee well.


Citing the statistic of a rise in voting by 18-29 year olds from 16.4 million in 2000 to 21 million in 2004, WWE ... gives all credit to the Smackdown Your Vote campaign? Uh, yes. You did it. Way to, way to go?



Unfortunately, Chuck is not introduced as "Custom Chucky P." Unfortunately, Chuck has a new jacket that is going to go to waste. Coach discusses the victory call he placed to President Bush. Todd: "I'm not very talented, Coach." Chuck finds himself on the receiving REAR END of a vertical sitdown splash, but Rosey then charges into Chuck's boot. Chuck throws Rosey shoulderfirst into the ringpost, then slams his head into the ringpost, then swings his arm in the direction of the ringpost. Cover, 2. Discus punch, 2. Rosey comes back with clotheslines and a falling headbutt for 2. Rosey misses an avalanche, Chuck off the ropes, Mafia Kick ducked by Rosey, scooped, slammed, Rosey to the second rope, oh no. SAMOA JAM. SPLAT. 123. What a way to go.


Favorite Chuck Palumbo Memory: I guess I'll pick one of the million times that the Undertaker beat him up, since his marriage to Billy Gunn was more of a Bischoff and Rico thing. Oh geez, they've released that entire triumvirate.


Summary of Raw and the incredible proof that four men can beat two. Why do they call it a Classic Survivor Series Elimination Match when they've had them in 2003, 2001, 2000, and 1999? I hope they hold a Classic Royal Rumble Match at the Royal Rumble.


Survivor Series: Jericho/Benoit/Maven/Orton vs. Edge/Snitsky/Batista/HHH. So Snitsky and Heidenreich are headlining Survivor Series.


Buy this special magazine devoted to the Raw Diva Search. Meet Christy (new Raw ring announcer), Maria (new Raw backstage interviewer), Michelle (new Smackdown referee), and Joy (new Velocity play-by-play announcer). I sure hope we get to keep all these Tough Enough boys too because they're all so awesome.*

* Notes from present day: No they're not!  But as it turns out, with Puder being an enemy of the state and Dan Rodimer's release, the only ones who stuck from the Million Dollar Tough Enough were the Miz and the Boogeyman, one of whom wasn't a finalist.



Victoria and Nidia try to recreate their dance dance revolution of a few weeks ago, but it's not the same. So let's dance the last dance. Nidia has a cute haircut, which will go to waste like Chuck's new jacket. Jazz is overwhelmed by Victorian armdrags, so she tags in Molly, who charges into a powerslam, 2. Nidia comes in for no reason, allowing Jazz to hold Molly in place while Victoria attempts a monkey flip, sending her crashing to the ground. Molly with a snap suplex for 2. Heaves her around by the hair. Jazz tagged in. Bitchinoku Driver gets 2. Victoria with a desperation sunset flip for 2. Simultaneous clotheslines, both women dead. Tag to Molly, tag to Nidia. Clothesline for Jazz, flapjack for Molly, neckbreaker for Jazz, last ever Northern Lights suplex for Molly, 1 2 no. Whip, Molly holds onto the ropes, Nidia's dropkick gets nothing but air and then canvas. Molly to the top. Molly-Go-Round. 123. That'll do it. Victoria checks on Nidia, while Molly helps up Jazz, while I tear up.


Favorite Jazz Memory: Her return to Raw in February '03. Trish was having enough trouble getting beat up every week by the psychotic Victoria, and then she looked up and was like ACK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME, IT'S FUCKEN JAZZ. Then Jazz beat her up.


Favorite Nidia Memory: Getting dunked in the hot tub by Chris Nifong; molesting Michael Cole; being saved from Tomko and Trish by Maven.


This was a really depressing episode, by and by.




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in DESTRUCITY and PRESS-SLAMMING from WARRIOR University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).