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September 25, 2004
By Justin Shapiro
You've got
to give it up to WWE for capitalizing on current events to create another money heel in the timely tradition of La Resistance. Turning Hurricane now so he can take credit for destroying all those people in Match Results:
Gail Kim beat Nidia; Chuck Palumbo beat Val Venis; Rodney Mack beat Heat GM Steven Richards We do not
open with a special message from the boss, Steven Richards, welcoming us to the season premiere of Heat, which is not followed
by a brand new opening highlighting all our favorite Heat superstars. In case
you were wondering, I see it as a slickly-produced package of dramatic closeups and action shots featuring, say, Stevie with
his arm up in the air, Coach with his boy Garrison Cade, Maven doing a dropkick (shades of Maven), Rosey in the superhero
pose, That Mysterious Woman standing triumphant, Val gyrating, Mack & Jazz boogyin', and Palumbo breaking Hurricane's
nose. GAIL
KIM (from one of the Well, this
match is truly an in your house: international incident. An in your international
house of pancakes incident. Not only is Justin Roberts doing the ring announcing
instead of Howard Finkel, but Jonathan Coachman has no-showed his own season premiere, instead choosing, I guess, to emcee
the Wrestlemania press conference. Some priorities. So we've got Todd Grisham: "Coach is not here this week, I'm filling in, and so far I'm doing pretty bad,
wouldn't you agree, Al?" "Absolutely." Headlock/headscissor
battle of wills in the earlygoing. Nidia's boobshirt says "SEXY" in glitter. No offense, dear, but if you have to write it in glitter on your giant bust, maybe
it's not entirely true? I'm sorry. Gail
grabs a wristlock and tries to run up the turnbuckles, but, oh shit, being Gail Kim, she slips and falls down. At least she ended up taking a flat back bump instead of something nastier, but uh-oh, she's rolling around
in pain and grabbing her (previously broken) collarbone and screaming and WAIT A MINUTE, she suckers Nidia in and throws her
through the ropes, grazing the ringsteps on her way down. OMG, it's a work. You deceived me! That's the first one
of those I've fallen for in two years. Nidia is rolled back in for 2. Snapmare, kick to the back, kneedrop gets 2. Blatant Choke. Gail goes for a suplex, Nidia small packages her 1 2 no. Nidia backslide 1 2 no. Gail with a scoop but collapses under
the massive weight of Nidia's SEXY boobs, 1 2 no. Gail applies an abdominal stretch
with extra limb wackiness, but Nidia hiptosses out. Clotheslines! Northern Lights suplex 1 2 no! Northern Lights suplex 1 2
no! Northern Lights : Nidia :: dropkick : Maven.
Gail with a single leg takedown right into the one with the knee bent around her head.
Nidia taps. Diva Recap
of les bons moments. Oh no, not Chandra.
Oh no, not Maria. Oh no, not Camille.
Oh no, not Julia. Oh no, not Tracie.
Oh no, not Michelle. Oh no, not Amy.
Oh no, not Joy. OH NO, NO NO NO.
NOT CHRISTY. Son of a bitch. I
guess I should have voted. Tomorrow:
Trish throws a Victory Party for Christy. At least I will never again have to
read anyone saying "why oh why does that bitch Carmella think she's so much better than this?"
Well, because, uh, she is. Let's be realistic. Let us take
you back to the Snitsky saga. His promo was so bad they don't replay a single
part of it. He's a worse television performer than any of the wannabe divas were. Lita loses the baby. That's not what
they told us on Heat last week! Doctors were optimistic! They were OPTIMISTIC. Not even his nice shirt can assuage
Kane's anguish. I felt so bad for him. :(
At the same time, I'm darn glad to have that baby aborted, word life. Word ... choice? WWE Slam
of the Week: Christian runs in on Y2J/HBK III. VAL
VENIS vs. CHUCK PALUMBO Whoa, Chuck
has added a doorag to his scumbag look, as well as dyed his hair back to brown from pee-colored. Chuck with an eyepoke and a back suplex for 1. He stomps away
in the corner. Vertical suplex gets 2.
"Camel toe clutch," according to Al, is applied. Awkward-looking stuff
where Val hits the ropes chestfirst and staggers back into Chuck forearms. Val
reverses a whip and gets a spinebuster. Money Shot -- hits the knees! Fallaway Samoan Drop, 1 2 3. Todd: "If Chuck keeps this up,
we'll see him on the grandest stage of them all when Wrestlemania goes Hollywood!" Okay. Let us take
you back to the Wrestlemania press conference. WWE Rewind:
Vince sets up Eugene vs. Eric Bischoff. Todd Grisham
has sprinted backstage to interview William Regal about Taboo Tuesday. What does
he think about the stipulations for Eric vs. Eugene? "I would love to see Eric
Bischoff boiled in oil." Loser has to wear a dress? "What if we cover him from head to toe in strawberry jam and let a million fire ants have their wicked
way with him?" Loser becomes the winner's servant? "How about feeding him to the piranhas? Or a death of 1,000
cuts? Rip his eyelids off and dip his head in hot soapy water?" Loser's head is shaved bald? "Actually, I like that one. Dear Uncle Eric loves his hair. In a
dress, or a servant, that's over rather quickly, but it takes a long time to grow your hair back." (Oh, you dicks.) But if Eugene loses, how would he look with
his head shaved? "Don't be silly, dear boy.
Eugene's not going to lose. He's got me on his side." Things I
take from this segment: 2) death
of 1,000 cuts would be awesome. Let us take
you back to the Raw main event. Um, apparently a great man once said that "we're
that damn good." Simon System
(w/ Henrietta). RODNEY
MACK (w/ Jazz) vs. HEAT GM STEVEN RICHARDS Rodney has
a Mack Militant remix that I believe goes "shh, don't touch me. I don't caaaaaare. I don't caaaaaare." Oh god, that is some awesome dancing on the part of the Macks. Whoa
Stevie charges right out and knocks Mack out of the ring. Mack back in, Mack
clotheslined over the top. Stevie with a crossbody off the apron to the floor
and fists of fire. Clearly he's pretty fired up after that Tomko match. Rolled back in, cover gets 2. Jazz grabs
Stevie's foot when he hits the ropes, he steps through the ropes to fire her but gets kicked by Mack. Jazz throws him into the steps. Rolled back in, Mack covers
for 2. Neckbreaker gets 2. Mack
thugs and bugs. Stevie jawjacks out of a chinlock, hits a dropkick to the gut,
hotshot, pair of clotheslines, side slam for 2. Jazz gets up on the apron and
distracts the ref, allowing Mack to get a LOW BLOW that drops Stevie ... down to one knee, oh no. Ghetto Blaster! 1 2 3.
Where the hell was Victoria disguised as a dude, coming out to even the odds and leading to the big reunion kiss? (Love and crossdressing conquer all.) Some
season premiere this was. jmshapyro@yahoo.com
WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
September 25, 2004
Mack's Power
1) the choice is completely up to you, but vote for head shaved! vote for head shaved! vote for
head shaved!
My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion,
and I do not deserve to be treated like this. I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie
Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version,
2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com. I collect My Little Ponies. My
favorite food is banana pudding.
CONGRATULATIONS
to Charlie Haas and Jackie Gayda! How adorable.
Will Match
Results: Rodney Mack beat Val Venis; Maven beat Wavell Star; Rhyno & Tajiri beat Hurricane & Rosey The
Big News: Unfortunately, Lita did not lose her baby as a result of her accident with Kane. Also, I hate myself for noticing, but this was almost an exact rerun of the August 22, 2004 show, where
Chuck Palumbo beat Rosey; Maven beat Wavell Star; and Rodney Mack beat Val Venis. I
guess it's a good thing the new season is starting next week. Rematch
from four weeks ago: RODNEY MACK (w/ Jazz) vs. VAL VENIS (w/ ... jizz?) Jonathan
Coachman declares himself an innocent bystander in Randy Orton's championship loss.
He also says it seems that Rodney and Val have developed a vendetta against one another in recent weeks. That one match they had last month was a barn-burning encounter.
Val's cautious look in the direction of the meddling Jazz is interpreted by Coach as "I didn't know Val Venis liked
the chocolate." Yikes. Mack
out-thugs-and-bugs Val on the mat, then does an incredible dance to celebrate. Val
works the arm in retaliation but gets thrown to the floor, where he ends up on the receiving end of a SLAP from Jazz and a
chopblock from behind by Mack. Rolled back in, Mack pulls off Val's kneepad and
works over his leg. Al thinks he might be setting Val up for that one-knee DDT. Huh? What makes you so sure? Val fights back with a clothesline and a pair of back elbows. This
comeback looks like it's going in slow motion. Half nelson slam gets 2. Val's leg gives out attempting a fisherman's buster and Mack hotshots him. He bounces back and ends up ... down on one knee, in perfect position for that one-knee DDT by Rodney Mack. Well I'll be damned. "The Ghetto Blaster!"
it's called by Coach, sending all wrestling finisher database archivists into a panic. Let
us take you back to Randy Orton putting the "kay" from "cake" into "RKO." Or,
more literally, putting "RKO" into a "cake." WWE
Slam of the Week: Joy is eliminated. She says she's proud that she made it this
far and might be back. Your children need you, Joy. Rematch
from four weeks ago: MAVEN vs. WAVELL STAR It
seems that Maven and Star have developed a vendetta against one another in recent weeks.
Round 2, baby. Can Star turn it around?
The Coach hypes the Wrestlemania 21 press conference, emceed by the Coach. Al
picks Christie to win the Diva Contest since she has the biggest upside. Coach
agrees, in large part because she "doesn't seem like she's embarrassed when she's out there."
Wow, such subtlety. Maven Effect, 123.
I must say, Maven seems to have Star's number. Which is 5, unless he's
a Jewish Indian, in which case it's 6. Let
us take you back to the handicap match and return of Shelton Benjamin. Am I just
drunk on DayQuil or wouldn't it have made a lot more sense to flip Benjamin and Benoit's spots, having Orton and Benoit overcome
by 3-on-2 odds so that Benjamin's return spot makes the biggest impact? It's
certainly better for him to be in that mix than out of it, but still, they just kind of threw him out there as just another
guy in a numbers game. Tomorrow:
Evolution vs. Chris Benoit/Randy Orton/ Let
us take you back to Lita's pregnancy emergency. If Ric Flair got pregnant, he
could miscarry a broomstick. We are told that Lita was taken to a medical facility
and that Kane has been constantly at her side ever since. Aww. They have good news to report -- wait, what? -- which is that Lita did NOT lose the baby. Noooo! In fact, doctors are cautiously optimistic. Damn it.* WWE
Rewind: HBK pins Tomko, but gets Tomkokazed on the floor by Christian. Coach
takes a moment to congratulate Chris Jericho on becoming a seven-time Intercontinental Champion. They sure have put over that ladder match -- NWO! I mean NOT! You're telling me that the LADDER ASS spot couldn't qualify for the YJ Spinal Sting
of the Night? Even if it wasn't MOTY-caliber, couldn't you still hype it as something
important just to protect the gimmick and acknowledge all the punishment those guys took to get it over? That's what they did for Michaels/HHH's Hell in a Cell, after all.
I wonder where the difference lies. RHYNO
and TAJIRI vs. THE HURRICANE and ROSEY Hurricane's
first match back since suffering a broken nose against Chuck Palumbo on August 8th.
*Intriguing*. Babyface matchup.
*Intriguing*. Big and small vs. big and small. *Intriguing*. Three formers members of the Rhyno
with a corner whip and shoulder to the fat, but Rosey charges right back out with a clothesline for 2. Tag to Hurricane, Rhyno whipped into a Hurricane leg lariat for 2.
Hurricane with a front facelock, but he's muscled into Tajyna's corner, where Tajiri is tagged in and kicks away. Hurricane reverses a corner whip, but runs into the Tarantula! Except he's Tarantulaing on Rosey's side of the apron and gets knocked off to the floor! Hurricane follows and whips Tajiri into the apron. Back in,
vertical suplex and a chinlock. Tajiri fights to his feet, goes for a vertical
suplex, Hurricane lands behind him, Eye of the Hurricane is blocked and shoved off into a spinning heel kick! Both guys down. Tag
to Rosey! Tag to Rhyno! Flying clothesline
by Rhyno gets 2. Belly-to-belly on Rosey, I think not, Rosey headbutts him, slams
him, drops the spinning legdrop for 1 2 broken up by a Tajiri dropkick! Cover
by Rhyno, 1 2 broken up by Hurricane! Pairing off, Rhyno gets clotheslined in
the corner by Rosey. He lifts Tajiri onto his shoulders for the Samoan Drop +
neckbreaker combo, but Rhyno GORES the Hurricane to prevent it! Rosey drops Tajiri
to go after Rhyno, but his whip is reversed right into a Tajiri kick! GORE to
Rosey! 1! 2! 3! That was super duper fun. Tomorrow:
It's the season premiere of Raw! Thank god the new season is starting, 'cause
Raw sure has sucked for most of the summer. Tomorrow:
Vince's Huge Announcement Next
Week: It's the season premiere of Heat! There will be incredible surprises in
store for everyone, completely fabricated by me. Famous faces from Heat's past
return to reminisce about five crazy years of wild Sunday night sports entertainment on 
WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
September 18, 2004: Dump For Joy
* Notes from present day: He was!
** Notes from present day: She wasn’t and was in fact fired!
* Notes from present day: Their optimism was ill-founded,
as Lita kept her baby so that she could lose it during a live broadcast of WWE Monday Night Raw.
My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion,
and I do not deserve to be treated like this. I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie
Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version,
2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com. I collect My Little Ponies. My
favorite food is banana pudding.
WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
September 11,
2004: Orton Anti-Buyrates
You
know a PPV has booking issues when they scorch the earth so bad that they can even find time to destroy Heat's only angle. In a negative star match to boot. You
dicks.
Match
Result: Maven beat Rodney Mack
Straight
into a video package for Randy Orton vs. Kane from Raw. Then the opening credits.
Jonathan
Coachman and Al Snow, victorious at Unforgiven one year ago, join us from inside the Rose Garden in
They
send it to Todd Grisham and Ivory outside. How about that ladder match? How about this video package for that ladder match?
How about Christian has now lost the Intercontinental Title in three different ladder matches, and
This
Past Friday, Make-a-Wish Foundation recognized WWE for their charity work.
Let
us take you back to diva arm wrestling. They do not freezeframe and pinpoint
the Amy Weber injury like I hoped. In fact, she doesn't even sell the arm in
her post-elimination interview with the Todd. She says it was an amazing experience. Tomorrow:
Sting
of the Night: Rhyno earns tonight's title shot by pinning Sylvain. Can
you believe that Rhyno and Tajiri actually wrestled EACH OTHER at the 2001 Unforgiven?!?
That is crazysexycool.
Todd
Grisham's exclusive WWE.com interview with Flair and Batista is exclusive no longer since we watch it. Batista closes his remarks with "and WHERE did you GET that UGLY ass SHIRT?" Todd: "...Express." Flair promos the world title match even
more than his own, basically doing a Nature Boy promo but changing all the "I"s to "Triple H"s.
Lita's
in her dressing room when Kane sneaks up up on her. He's been stressed out, if
you know what he means, and he needs to release some pressure, if you know what he means.
Lita walks off in disgust. "What!
The doctor said it would be okay!" Oh Kane you rascal.
Video
package for HBKane. Shawn Michaels is back, tonight, and kind of interested in
revenge! I finally figured out who Lita is channeling with her delivery in her
new meddling wife gimmick. It's a dead-on Jordan Sullivan-Cox from Scrubs. For serious.
Saliva
"Survival of the Sickest" card rundown by Todd and Eyevory. Still only six matches.
Al
and an elated Coach talk about what done happened to
Lillian
Garcia talks to William Regal, who's very upset, as
WWE
Rewind: SPIT! (That's his move!)
Todd
and Ivory, literally the only people left outside the building, head on in. Jim
Ross and Jerry Lawler take over.
MAVEN
vs. RODNEY MACK (w/ Jazz) (w/ his old music, so I guess it will stick around)
If
Nidia gets involved in this match, I will give the PPV a thumbs up. If Mack's
former tag team partner Christopher Nowinski gets involved in this match, I will die.
Mack and Jazz are dancing all awesome and shakin' it. Mack hits a shoulderblock
and celebrates with the Mack Militant Boogie. Bodyslam gets 2. Vertical suplex dropped into a slam gets 2. Maven bumps off
a corner whip, elbowdrop gets 2. Bearhuggin' and buggin'. Mack with a scoop, Maven slips behind him but runs into a powerslam for 2.
Back to the bearhug. Maven elbows out, his whip is reversed, five-arm. Dropkick (shades of Maven), dropkick (shades of Maven), 2. Maven all but totally whiffs on his second rope DDT but they sell it anyway, 1 2 no. Maven off the ropes, Jazz grabs his leg so he pulls her up by the hair, only to get SLAPPED (you go, girlfriend)! Mack capitalizes with a rolling reverse cradle, 1 2 Maven kicks him off and he bonks
into the mrs., knocking her off the apron and falling back into a schoolboy 1 2 3. Maven
leaps up onto the barricade to celebrate his victory over Rodney Mack on pre-PPV Heat.
Replay of the roll-up reveals a horrifying amount of Mack buttcrack.
HHH/Orton
video package. So if Orton has to chase until Wrestlemania -- which sounds all
too captivating right now, I must say -- does that mean that since Benoit went over in the tag match, it's time for HHH to
get some wins back? Because there's no way, no way, no way they're going back
to HHH/Shawn, right? Right? No way? No way at all? Okay, they might. *
* Notes from present day: They did.
My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion,
and I do not deserve to be treated like this. I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie
Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version,
2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com. I collect My Little Ponies. My
favorite food is banana pudding.
Match
Results: Rodney Mack beat Rosey; Maven beat Greg Groothuis; Chris Jericho beat Heat GM Steven Richards Pyro! Thank god, the Coach is back. We are
but seven days away from Unforgiven! What, really? Al Snow is as hoarse as you can possibly imagine and pretty much does the show voiceless. Except in the shots that were taped at Raw and not voiced-over later in the week. So something terrible must have happened to Al Snow after 8:45 p.m. EST on Monday night. Besides having to watch the diva diss segment. Fat
Boy Challenge: RODNEY MACK (w/ Jazz) vs. ROSEY (w/o ... Rico) Let
us take you to the Republican National Convention. Mark Henry says voting is
power. It can bend a frying pan. Linda
mentions September 11, probably due to its many similarities with Vince's steroid trial. Let
us take you back to Randy Orton, Sledgend Hammer. Can I assume that those canvases
and blown up photographs were paid for by the friends and supporters of Randy Orton? Tomorrow:
Randy Orton vs. Kane. WWE
Rewind: Christian, Christian, at last you're on! Backstage,
Vivian Garcia stands with Chris Jericho and asks him about the return of the CLB. Before
Jericho can answer, he's interrupted by one Steven Richards. Stevie explains
that he is SO onto Jericho. He knows that he's been going out week after week
dressing as a mystery woman and helping Victoria, because he can't get over Trish Stratus.
Jericho thinks he's crazy. "Come on.
This is not the first strange-lookin' woman we've seen around here. I
mean, remember Chyna?" Oh snap. Both
chuckle. But Stevie doesn't like his changing the subject, nor does he like the
tone he's taking. And in case Jericho didn't know, Stevie's got a lot of stroke
around here! This is his show, Stevie Night Heat, and he's making a match, Chris
Jericho and Steven Richards, in his ring. Jericho promises to take him downtown
to Chynatown and change this show from Stevie Night Heat to Stevie Night Suck. Don't
you mean ... Stevie Night Jericho? MAVEN
vs. GREG indecipherable, cut off by announcers It's
not Greg Whitmoyer, sadly. Coach wonders if Edge was in on Christian's attack
of Jericho, although he realizes that Edge hasn't been close with Christian in recent months.
Yes, about 24 of them. Fun with linear time and Jonathan Coachman continues
when Maven hits "that move that he's patented over the past ***COUPLE OF WEEKS***, that flying spinning DDT!" 123. Unless he meant that an actual patent was registered
for the move two weeks ago, that is scary. "Much
to the chagrin of the FCC," let us take you back to the Diva Competition. Firstly,
Maria is eliminated. Oh no, not Maria.*
In her exclusive comments to Todd, she says that she met some really cool girls and one really skanky girl. Wacky bleep-noises for everyone. Shake that fat ass, mom. "While the subject matter is sensitive, on balance this was an attempt at dark humor,
capitalizing on the popularity of profanity-laden programs such as The Sopranos, Rescue Me, and Deadwood." - Kevin Dunn. Da
da da da, oh, oh, Shawn video. HBK returns at Unforgiven. Unforgiven:
Shawn Michaels vs. Kane. "Survival
of the Sickest" by Saliva is the official theme for Unforgiven. Last week, I
made an extraordinary joke about Saliva doing the PPV theme, you know 'cause of Orton spitting in HHH's face? And then look at this, Saliva really is doing the theme. So
how about that. How about that. Unforgiven:
Triple H vs. Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. Let
us take you back to Triple H vs. Eugene. I think the fact that they went with
Benoit & Regal as the tag team for the PPV instead of Benoit & Eugene, Best Friends Forever would seem to indicate
scaling way back on Nat Tardy's* push. Then again, he did just "beat" HHH. I guess we'll know for sure depending on how he's booked in the cage match. Tomorrow:
Randy Orton vs. Kane. TALE
OF THE TAPE Chris
Jericho height:
6' [cough] weight:
235 lbs. hometown:
Winnipeg, Manihasset, NY finishing
move: Walls of Jericho; Lionsault career
highlights: first ever Undisputed Champion; 25-time Intercontinental Champion; World Tag Team Champion; WCW Cruiserweight
Champion; WCW Television Champion; larger than life living legend and King of the World Steven
Richards height:
6'2 weight:
235 lbs. hometown:
Philadelphia, PA finishing
move: Steviekick; SteVieT career
highlights: Hardcore Champion; ECW Tag Team Champion; leader of the Right to Censor; general manager of Stevie Night Heat;
founder and CEO of StevieCorp JUSTIN'S
KEYS TO VICTORY Jericho: 1)
overcome home show disadvantage 2)
that running enzuigiri thing 3)
ignore Trish-related heartbreak Stevie: 1)
show him, he'll see 2)
help from That Mystery Woman? 3)
ignore Victoria-related heartbreak YJ
Sting of the Night: Batista interferes in Benoit/Flair and lays out Benoit. All
wolverines are animals but not all Animals are Wolverines. HIGHLIGHT
REEL HOST CHRIS JERICHO vs. HEAT GM STEVEN RICHARDS Coach
wonders about the last time we saw Jericho on Heat. Why I do believe it was May
11, 2003, when he defeated the Hurricane. Jericho opens with an armdrag. Stevie shoves him. Jericho shoves back. Jericho with a waistlock takedown, ties up Stevie's legs but he gets the ropes. Jericho with chops. Vertical suplex. Come On Baby cover gets 1. Stevie pokes
him in the eye. Stevie with a sunset flip, Jericho rolls out and into the Walls,
but Stevie grabs the ropes and crawls onto the apron. Jericho's springboard dropkick
knocks him off of that apron and to the floor to set up this commercial break. Back
with Richards somehow now in control, stomping away. Neckbreaker and an axhandle
drop get 2. Kataha-stevie applied while the announcers figure that if Stevie
wins, he could be the new #1 contender to the Intercontinental Title. Jericho
fights out but is hairpulled back down. Punt to the ribs. I'll Show You You'll See suplex. I'm told that this full nelson
camel clutch is called the Rat Trap. Before my time. Jericho's arm falls once, he stands up and armdrags out, but charges into a drop toehold into the middle
rope. Stevie looks at Jericho prone across the ropes and OMG, OMG, OMG, starts
doing the locomotion dance, hits the ropes, but Jericho turns around and clotheslines him before he can execute the sitdown
splash. Stevie reverses a whip but gets five-armed. "COME ON, BABY!" Richards with a kick, off the ropes, into
Jericho's sleeperslam for 2. Jericho with a 10-punch countalong. Stevie reverses a corner whip, Jericho goes up and over him but runs into a kick to the face. Cover, feet on the ropes, one two NO. SteVieT is blocked,
Jericho ducks a short arm clotheslines and hits the walk up enzuigiri, landing Richards on the ropes. Now Jericho can do the sexy beast dance and running sitdown. Bulldog
-- lionsault hits the knees! SteVieT hits!!
One! Two! NO!!!!! Cover again, one two no! Stevie to the second rope -- dropkick
attempt is caught in a double-leg by Jericho! Walls of Jericho! Tapout. A hard-fought battle.
See you in sixteen months, Y2J. Tomorrow:
Randy Orton vs. Kane. Kudos to Al Snow for completing this show in excruciating
pain and excruciating voice. The poor hoarseman.
(Ha ha.)
WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
September 4, 2004:
Maria, Fool of Grace
For
those about to rock, set the clock. Baby you know you're Jewish and I'm on Heat. Last week, Benoit. This week,
Hey what the hey, Mack is back to his old music
after two weeks of generic new stuff. I guess that means Theodore Long is getting
a new theme? Howard Finkel is not here this week neither as that sounds like
Justin Roberts. Al makes fun of Coach's misfortune on Monday, but his guttural
borrowing of the famed Heyman call "GORE! GORE! GORE!" sounds like it's tearing his vocal chords apart. Mack hits an avalanche in the corner and celebrates with the Mack Militant Boogie, but Rosey feels no pain
and knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Too fat for hiptossing, Rosey clotheslines
him down. Off the ropes, Jazz grabs his leg, allowing Mack to clip him from behind. Normally this would lead to four minutes of knee-cranking but we ain't got time. Rosey fights back with clotheslines, puts his head down on a backdrop, gets kicked,
but backdrops Mack out of his DDT attempt. Corner whip, Mack avoids the avalanche. Kick to the leg drops Rosey to one knee, Mack with a DDT out of that position. 123. Rosey kicks out right after the
finish? Odd. Rodney and Jazz dance
it up real awesome-like in celebration.
* Notes from present day: How weird would it have been if Maria had stuck around for Diss
the Diva and was all "Fart! Slut! Poop!"
* Notes from present day: Nat Hardy was one of the fake
Hardy family members that Kane brought out to beat up and thus this is very funny.
My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion,
and I do not deserve to be treated like this. I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie
Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version,
2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com. I collect My Little Ponies. My
favorite food is banana pudding.
August 29, 2004: Crippling Heat
Chris
Benoit is here and he's really mad. Chris Benoit is here and he's really angry. Here it is in full, the Chris Benoit song. Is
there any wrestler who can prove him wrong? Sounds like a problem for ... The
Problem Solver.
Match
Results: Rodney Mack beat Maven; Chuck Palumbo beat Ollie John; Tyson Tomko beat Chris Benoit; no, just lying; Chris Benoit
beat Tyson Tomko (for real) (Chris Benoit is For Real)
With
only two matches on Raw, I thought we'd have a "loaded" show tonight, but I guess not.
No offense to Ollie John. Or Tyson Tomko.
RODNEY
MACK (w/ Jazz) (w/ new phat beats) vs. The $50,000 Tough Enough Champion MAVEN
Jazz
looks like she's having way too much fun thugging and bugging with Mack on their way to the ring. Ew, ew, I hear the voice of Todd Grisham, filling in for Jonathan Coachman, who I guess is out selling
the People's Elbow. So they wrote out both sides' play-by-play guys in the same
week. Everybody's working injuries for the weekend. Todd accuses Maven of jive-talking. It's okay, TG was born
in the '40s, before racism was bad. Mack works over Maven's lower back with stomps
and elbows and knees. You know it's the back militant. Mack with a standing-in-place shoulder powerslam for 2. Maven
fights back but gets clotheslined for 2. Mack takes him down with a bearhug,
but Maven stands up and hits a jawbreaker. Maven with a whip, goes for a flying
forearm while Mack goes for a flying tackle and they smack faces. Oops. Mack recovers and re-covers for 2. Maven
ducks a clothesline and now he gets the five-arm. Dropkick (shades of Maven),
dropkick (shades of Maven), 2. Maven to the top rope, but Jazz shoves him off
and he takes a somersault bump, almost landing on Mack and the ref in the process. Mack
with a schoolboy, despite getting his education from the streets, 1 2 3.
WWE
Rewind: Traci is eliminated. Oh no, not Traci.
Let
us take you back to the Rock and the Divas. Like, almost all of it. These are the longest 20 second intervals in the history of 20 second intervals. Joy goes into business for herself. The business of being
stupid. Her trying to challenge Carmella to a match tonight in this very ring
was just sad. Like Bischoff was going to come out and be like, "Hmm, that's very
interesting, Joy, but there's one thing you have to remember! *I* am the General
Manager of Raw! I am in charge! That
being said, this unplanned match between two untrained models will happen -- tonight!"
If you didn't know that that lunatic* was going to stick her ass in the pie, then you, unlike Randy Orton, have not
been paying attention to the $250,000 Diva Contest.
* Notes from present day: Oh Christy.
YJ
Sting of the Night: YJ Sting is kicked out of the Horsemen.
Let
us spit-take you back to Orton and HHH. Spitooie.
Orrrrrrrrten. Orrrrrrrrten. Orrrrrrrrten. Eugeeeeene. "Always" by Saliva is the
official theme of Unforgiven. No it's not.
Unforgiven:
Triple H vs. Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. The stakes are
that much higher now that we know where guys who drop the belt end up.
Later:
Chris Benoit vs. Tyson Tomko.
CHUCK
PALUMBO vs. OLLIE JOHN
The
"word to describe Chuck in one word" this week is apparently "mugger." Chuck
pulls Ollie up at 2 after a Confessions of a Yakuza Kick. Samoan drop out of
a fallaway slam, 123. What a mugging!
Da
da da da, oh, oh, Shawn. HBK returns at Unforgiven. I think this is the first time they've promoted a wrestler's return for the pay-per-view itself instead
of on TV since Steve Austin at No Way Out 2003. Goldberg's first appearance and
the Rock's returns should totally be given away for free as surprises, but Shawn Michaels' comeback from summer vacation is
apparently going to mean something for PPV buys.
Let
us take you back to back to the unholy union of Kane and Lita. Bischoff's part
is cut. The wedding bells are ringing and the choir's beginning to sing. You got something to say, speak now or hold your peace. Set fire to the place as a parting gift.
TYSON
TOMKO (w/ Trish Stratus) vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Trish
*so* should've held up the women's title in Benoit's face to taunt him. Actually,
I wish this was Benoit vs. Trish since they could probably have a heck of a match. Maybe
better than Benoit and Tyson. Not that I haven't seen Benoit get some mini-masterpieces
out of the A-Train, but Tomko is no A-Train. Benoit chops away, Tomko reverses
a corner whip but charges into Benoit's feet -- immediate sharpshooter but Tomko scrambles for the ropes. Tomko with a kick, lifts Benoit onto his shoulder but he slips behind him -- immediate crossface but Tomko
scrambles for the ropes. Tomko blocks a German suplex by holding the ropes, then
cuts Benoit off with a hotshot. Tomko kicks Benoit out of the ring, then rolls
him back in for 2. Tomko with his devastating array of chokes, punches, and head-holding
head holds. Benoit kicks free and throws him into the middle turnbuckle. German! German! German! Diving headbutt, 1 2 no! Benoit's lip has been busted thin open. Sharpshooter attempt
is abandoned to chase Trish off the apron. Benoit turns around, ducks the Not
So Super Kick in case it would have actually hit, and hits a German! German! German! German! German! German! Crossface! Tap! Whoa. Well take that, Tyson Tomko. That was an awesome finish, although
if Benoit was going to do nine German suplexes in a match I wouldn't think it would be on Heat against Tyson Tomko. But hey, no problem.
Tomorrow:
stuff.
My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion,
and I do not deserve to be treated like this. I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie
Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version,
2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com. I collect My Little Ponies. My
favorite food is banana pudding.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
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CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
