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RETRO SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT

By Justin Shapiro

 
Justin Shapiro
 
 
 

WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
August 22, 2004: Michelle's tanner

by Justin Shapiro

 

Baby, I got a stew going.

 

Match Results: Chuck Palumbo beat Rosey; Maven beat Wavell Star; Rodney Mack beat Val Venis

 

"Thanks to all the great fans at SummerSlam, and what a great crowd it was!" - Jonathan Coachman*

* Notes from present day: They were the most combative crowd WWE ever had to endure before the ECW taping from the Hammerstein Ballroom.

 

ROSEY vs. CHUCK PALUMBO

Holy moly!  Paying homage to the company's last wedding angle by matching up two of its key participants in an Unforgiven 2002 rematch.  They've each come so far since then: Rosey became a superhero in training and then a full-fledged superhero; Chuck joined the FBI and ... got beat up by the Undertaker a lot?  And just look at him now.  Dressed up as some kind of, uh, gas station attendant.  Announcers add to the already complicated backstory by pointing out that Chuck broke the Hurricane's nose and Rosey is out to avenge him.

 

Chuck bails after a massive! shoulderblock, but eyepokes his way back into the ring.  Chuck with a clothesline, which Al says is the move that broke the Hurricane's nose.  Lying!  Chuck stomps away, then hits a discus punch in the corner.  Rosey counters Chuck's (tenuous) sunset flip with a legdrop but Chuck counters the legdrop by rolling out the way.  Chuck with a camel clutch.  Rosey, with a busted lip (the Hard Way), stands himself up with Chuck on his back, then swings him into a side slam.  Rosey makes the big fat comeback, bodyslam and a spinning legdrop for 2.  Chuck cuts him off with an eyepoke, Rosey reverses a corner whip, misses an avalanche, and Chuck hits the International Organization of Italian Businessmen Kick.  123.  Replay of the big kick -- Confessions of a Yakuza.  What good are you anyway if you can't stand up to some old businessman?

 

There still ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues.  We get some still photos from the Till Death Do Us Part match.  Wouldn't it have been a lot better, psychologically, if Lita had tried to help and accidentally cost Matt the match, ironically dooming herself to her dire fate, rather than Matt trying and straight up failing on his own despite her help?  Y..es.

 

Let us take you back to Edge over Kane and his postmatch chat with Lita.  I can't believe this has actually double-turned them, as Kane is now getting pops for making lewd comments and Lita is getting booed for being a bit of a whore.*

* Notes from present day: sigh.

 

Kane Invites Us to tomorrow's wedding.

 

WWE Rewind: Rhyno pins Grenier to earn a tag title shot at Unforgiven.

 

Let us take you back to the Diva Competition and the clean sweep by Carmella.  They do a major burial on her with the other girls' commentary interspersed with clips of her looking bored and disinterested.  "Carmella Carmella Carmella Carmella Carmella Carmella."  Carmella probably strikes an even more lethal blow by outing Joy for having some babies.  Michelle is eliminated.  Oh no, not Michelle.  Actually, I kind of mean it this time.  In an exclusive interview, she tells us that she never saw it coming.  "I expected nothing going into it, so I've gotten everything."  Okay, transitive property, follow the, so you got nothing.*

* Notes from present day: nothing but a WWE contract and free breast implants and getting to be on network TV!

 

MAVEN vs. WAVELL STAR (w/ Texas Tornado boots)

Star is annointed "Dances With Babaganooch," cracking up the Coach to a startling degree.  Al: "Beautiful black heel trip by Maven."  Racial.  Commentary throughout the match discusses the theme of Maven having big star potential but needing the proper guidance to reach it, while warning him not to get too cocky.  Hmmmm.  Coach says "hotties" in a falsetto voice.  "Haw-Tees!"  Maven Effect, 123.

 

Let us take you back to Randy Orton vs. Chris Benoit from Raw.  Let us take a commercial break partways through.

 

Let us take you back to taking you back to Randy Orton vs. Chris Benoit.  Here's the great thumbs down spot and subsequent beatdown.  We switch to black-and-white-o-vision for the bloody bleeding.  This whole deal was like if Randy Savage had attacked Hulk Hogan during the postmatch celebration at Wrestlemania 4 when he grabbed Elizabeth's ass.

 

White Boy Challenge: RODNEY MACK (w/ Jazz) vs. VAL VENIS

Coach reiterates that Shawn Michaels will return at Unforgiven.  Mack has new 'fly' music.  Jazz has a new 'leather' outfit.  Val is, uh, exactly the same as forever.  Val leapfrogs his groin right into Mack's forehead (worked spot, not accidental) and that puts him in trouble.  Mack with a delayed vertical suplex, causing all the blood to painfully flow out of Val's injured nuts.  I Love My Testicles.  Val starts selling his back instead of his vas deferens as Mack applies a bearhug.  Coach finally reveals his true feelings: "We've been north of the border all week long and you see how stupid these fans are, Al."  Val fights free, Mack blocks the half nelson suplex, Val reverses a whip and gets a kneelift.  Neckbreaker for 2.  Mack goes for the Blackout, Val blocks, but his back gives out attempting a fisherman's suplex.  Mack charges into a spinebuster.  Val to the top rope, Jazz grabs his leg but gets kicked off and bumps all the way to the floor.  Money Shot -- hits the knees.  Mack with the Blackout into a slam.  123.  The music no longer says so, but I still know it's the Mack Militant.  Mr. and Mrs. Mack Militant.

 

Tomorrow: marriage of Kane and Lita.

Tomorrow: why, Triple H, why?

 

jmshapyro@yahoo.com

 

My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.

 

Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
August 15, 2004: Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!

by Justin Shapiro

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!

Match Result: Rob Van Dam beat Rene Dupree

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  A final montage of the Olympics spots.  You can show them over and over again and they never get old!  And by 'old' I mean 'good.'  A good idea is a good idea forever.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Todd Grisham and Ivory stand outside the Air Canada Centre.  Ivory compares Heat to the opening ceremonies.  (Because.  SummerSlam.  Is.  The WWE's.  Version.  Of.  The.  Sum.  mer.  Games.)

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Michael Cole and Tazz at ringside introduce a video package for Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle.  Not advertised as "slightly longer than Angle vs. Charlie Haas."  Moments Ago, Kurt arrived with Luther Reigns.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Tonight: Rob Van Dam vs. Rene Dupree in a Thrown Bone match.

 

YJ Sting of the Night: Jericho leaves Edge to die at the hands of Batista.

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Jonathan Coachman (not celebrating the one year anniversary of his heel turn) and Al Snow discuss the IC title threeway.  After all the time invested in this angle, we can probably expect a match longer than, say, eight minutes!

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Vivian Garcia stands with Chris Jericho, who explains that he walked out on Edge because it's every man for himself and he wants to win the Intercontinental Title for the 20th or so time.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  A dramatic video package for DIVA DODGEBALL?  My god.  Chandra is eliminated by Randy Orton.  Oh no, not Chandra.  Add her to the t-shirt.  In an exclusive interview, she says "Don't feel sorry for me."  And yet, I can't help but.  In another exclusive, we get the wannabe divas cutting a promo against the WWE divas.  Finally, we take a shot of the concrete crypt in which they're holding the dodgeball game.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Chris Benoit arrives at the building.  I watched the Benoit DVD and ooh, do they ever have to bring in that Mike Puschetto guy for an angle to take an RKO.  Then maybe put him under contract as a favor to Chris a la Chavo Classic.  They don't even have enough stuff to do a video package for Benoit vs. Orton, but do replay the, uh, one angle they had, the interview last Monday where Orton taps.  They do not replay the closing moments of Raw with Orton bumping around for Eugene while Benoit lies dead from the Pedigree.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Michael Cole and Tazz discuss the six-man tag match.  Let us take you back to Spike Dudley's turn.  I didn't know you could step on a guy through a table.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Backstage, the Dudleys are talking strategy.  Spike tells Bubba and D-Von that because he's the only Dudley with championship gold, he feels "it's in the team's best interest if [they] let [him] do the thinking."  This angle is pretty great.

 

WWE Slam of the Week: Matt Hardy is slammed with the news of the DNA test results.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Coach and Al take us back to the contract signing for the Till Death Do Us Part match.  After all the time invested in this angle, we can probably expect a match longer than, say, six minutes!  And one with any drama whatsoever.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Ivory says no way would she ever want to be married to Kane.  Todd starts to mention RVD vs. Dupree but Ivory steers him to Diva Dodgeball first.  A lot of people e-mailed me after the Raw Report to say I forgot to list Randy Savage as part of Molly Holly's male history.  Well done, fair enough, okay, although *personally* I consider Miss Madness to be outside of canonical Molly lore.  On the other hand, totally forgetting Steven Richards' relationship with Jazz was a major gaffe.  There is also a case to be made for listing Hurricane with Nidia based on the introduction angle for Jamie Noble.  Finally, as requested, I believe it would go Trish Stratus (w/ Tyson Tomko) (w/o Christian) (w/o Chris Jericho) (w/o Jeff Hardy) (w/o The Rock) (w/o Vince McMahon) (w/o Val Venis) (w/o Test) (w/o Albert).

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues by Rush is the official theme for SummerSlam.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Michael Cole and Tazz introduce the video package for Undertaker vs. John Bradshaw Layfield (w/ Poorlando Jordan).  It's too bad that HHH isn't wrestling Benoit, as they could've ended SummerSlam with the total reverse Wrestlemania 20 finish with Taker and Hunter in the ring celebrating with the two world title belts while everybody is all forlorn.

 

ROB VAN DAM vs. RENE DUPREE (w/ Fifi) (w/ flag)
It would've been pretty awesome if Dupree had been accompanied by World Tag Team Champions La Resistance and RVD countered by bringing out his Hard Core Friends, Rhyno and Tajiri.  Alas.  Crowd is super hot, tricking us into a false sense of not knowing they were out to destroy the show.  Dupree takes a scary backdrop over the top rope, then gets the spinning legdrop off the apron to the security rail.  Rolled back in, Van Dam hits a slingshot legdrop.  Rob to the top rope, Dupree pops up and shoves him plummeting towards the barricade.  Break.

Back, Dupree's piledriver attempt is backdropped, Van Dam's backdrop attempt is sunset flipped, Dupree's sunset flip attempt is punched.  Van Dam with a legdrop, but cartwheel splash misses.  Dupree hits a neckbreaker.  I'm A French Dude, I'm A French Man dance.  Van Dam stops him with a dropkick.  Split-legged moonsault gets 2.  Dupree with a scoop, Van Dam drops behind, rolling reverse cradle gets 2.  Seated dropkick, and a Running Standing Flipping Thunder gets 2.  Dupree to the second rope, hops off to do nothing as Van Dam somersaults underneath him and springs back off the ropes with a side kick.  Five Star Frog Splash.  123.  And, at seven minutes, it was ...

one minute shorter than the six-man tag.

one minute longer than Till Death Do Us Part.

one minute longer than Cena vs. Booker.

one minute shorter than Edge/Jericho/Batista.

over half as long as Guerrero/Angle.

 

Ain't no cure for the Summertime Blues!  Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduce a video package for Triple H vs. Eugene, which is in the main event video package spot, to no surprise.  Gregorian chanting?  Sadly, they cut out HHH getting "What'd" like crazy in his promo from Monday.  It ends with Hunter promising to "put Eugene out of this business for good."  Which he clearly accomplished by pinning him to the mat in a relatively uneventful wrestling match.

 

Aw, no Josh Matthews on the show.  Rueless Aggression.

 

jmshapyro@yahoo.com

 

My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.

 

Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT

August 8, 2004: Victorian Romance

by Justin Shapiro

 

Yeah baby yeah.  Putting the Stevie back in the Stevie Night Heat.

 

The Big News: Hurricane broke his nose.  Heat GM Steven Richards told off Victoria after an intense conversation.  The Mysterious Woman got into an altercation with Rodney Mack.

 

Match Results: Chuck Palumbo beat Hurricane; Val Venis beat Bio Hazard; Jazz beat Victoria (DQ)

 

Looking in the window at the pecan pyro.

 

THE HURRICANE vs. "a very scruffy" CHUCK PALUMBO

More like Chuck Palombardi.  Oh, I went there.  What a huge matchup between former members of the Alliance.  Hurricane extends a handshake, Chuck is willing, Hurricane pulls back his hand, oooh.  Lockup, Hurricane gets shoved down.  Hurricane with a headlock, pushed into the ropes, his shoulderblock is but the swatting of flies to Chuck.  Hurri-pose, Hurri-thumb to the eye?  Hey.  Helms' Cheap.  Chuck reverses a whip, Hurricane holds onto the ropes and Chuck kicks nothing.  Chuck charges and gets thrown over the top rope.  Hurricane parts the ropes to invite Chuck back in.  He's being kind of a jerk today.  It's karma.  Chuck pulls Hurricane to the floor, picks him up on his shoulder, and launches him into the barricade.  Back in the ring, Chuck heaves Hurricane into the corner and he smacks the turnbuckle facefirst.  Hurricane immediately grabbing his nose and lying in anguish in the corner seems to indicate that that's where he broke it.

 

Hurricane stands up and Chuck rams him backfirst into the corner.  Now stomping away, but Hurricane lays there holding his nose and doesn't really sell.  Announcers acknowledge a 'potential' injury here.  Hurricane slowly stands up, Chuck knocks him back down.  Chuck with a snapmare and kick to the back.  Hurricane now fighting back, but Chuck catches his foot and clotheslines him for 2.  Chinlock while Hurricane attempts to breathe.  He fights up, Chuck puts his head down and gets kicked, clotheslined twice, reverses a corner whip, charges into a headscissors that pull him through the ropes to the floor.  Jesus Christ, Hurricane with a pescado!  ˇPescado con nariz fractura!  Rolled back in, 1 2 no.  Chuck counters the Eye of the Hurricane with a rollup, grabbing the ropes, 1 2 no!  Chuck with a KNEE to the FACE, AHHH.  Corner whip, Chuck charges into two feet.  Hurricane to the top, flying body press, 1 2 no! 

 

"Shining Wizard!" says he, but Chuck stands up in mid-wizardry and kicks him in the gut.  Scoop, Hurricane slips behind, off the ropes, caught by Chuck in a spinebuster -- nope, he spins them both around so his back is facing the ref, then knees him in the nut sack.  That was sneaky.  That was ... wonderful.  Chuck with a Scott Hallaway Slam up into a Samoan Drop!  123!  That's some mixed ethnicities in a move there, Cubano plus Samoan, North Atlantic meeting South Pacific.  Did you know, during the Civil War, General E. Lee taught his troops the Alabama Jam?  This is true, this is a scientific fact.  However, missing the high risk maneuver left the rebels all too susceptible to the North's Boston Crab.  And thus the slaves were freed by tapout.  I read all this in the Civil War Diary of Elisha Hunt Rhodes (Runnels).

 

But hey, how about that Hurricane.  We never really got a shot of his face to survey the damage, but it hurt just watching him react, let alone wrestling for five minutes and doing a pescado.  I would've called for the finish as soon as my nose broke.  Then again, Chuck would have been the one calling our match, since I don't know how wrestle.  Then again, I don't know how to wrestle, so why would I be wrestling?  Well, tell that to my broken nose.

 

Let us take you back to Triple H vs. William Regal, after a warning about heavily edited graphic footage.  They switch to still shots in black & white with commentary running over them, which sells it even better.  We are told that Regal suffered a broken orbital bone and a concussion, and we don't know when he'll be back.

 

SummerSlam: Triple H vs. Eugene.  Man, wasn't he DOINK at this time a year ago?

 

WWE Slam of the Week: last week on Heat, of all things, Stevie's distraction causes Victoria to be pinned by Jazz.

 

And backstage, Victoria finds Heat GM Steven Richards signing an important StevieCorp document for one of his underlings.

VICTORIA: Stevie, I need to talk to you.

STEVIE: [signs] There you go.  Thank you very much.

UNDERLING: Thanks, boss. [exeunt]

STEVIE: [to Victoria] Can I help you?
VICTORIA: Stevie, what the heck is your problem?  You interrupt my match last week -- do you know you caused me to lose?  You want to talk at that point?

STEVIE: Alright, I guess it was inconvenient to want to talk to you right at that particular time--

VICTORIA: Yes it was.
STEVIE: --but there's plenty of times, Victoria, where it was inconvenient for me, and I still listened to you.  I was still there for you.  And now, all of a sudden, some woman comes out, saves you three four five times in a row, and now you guys are best buddies.

VICTORIA: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  I don't even know who she is, Stevie.
STEVIE: Oh, ha ha ha.  I guess she's some sort of mysterious woman then, Victoria.  I guess.  You know what?  The point is, I thought you were somebody different.  I thought you were more different than any other woman, any other woman I've ever known in my life.  But you're not different.  You're all the same.  You're just like every other girl that's ever broken my heart.  You're just like every other woman that I've ever known in my life.  Self-absorbed.  Selfish.  Un.  Grate.  Ful.

VICTORIA: ...

STEVIE: Come on Victoria, say it. [takes her hair in his hand and smells it]

VICTORIA: [swats hand away] Stevie, you need some serious help. [walks away]

STEVIE: [smells fingers, still fresh with the scent of Flower]

 

My oh my.

 

VAL VENIS vs. BIO HAZARD
Al wants to call him "Terrence Bigglesworth Babaganooch," but Coach suggests a compromise with "Biobabaganooch."  Coach and Al discuss the hottest hotties and the toughest toughies of the Diva Contest.  Al: "I had a Diva beating on my door last night.  Yeah, then I got up and let her out."  Coach: "We all know that's not true."  Al: "No, I wouldn't let her out."  Uh oh, Wal-Mart was right.*  Money Shot 123.

* Notes from present day: This joke dates all the way back to fall 1999 and the Al Snow action figure scandal!  How about that!

 

Last Monday, Camille got eliminated.  Oh no, not Camille.  A faceless interviewer gets her insta-reaction:  It's shocking.  She feels ... shocked.

 

WWE Rewind: Randy Orton, Battle Royal Winner wins the battle royal.

 

Let us take you back to the six-man tag on Monday.  Al points out that all six men in that match have huge matches coming up at SummerSlam, which is wrong wrong wrong.  Al thinks I'm too critical.  That's another fault of his.

 

SummerSlam: Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship.
SummerSlam: Triple H vs. Eugene.

SummerSlam: Edge vs. Batista vs. Chris Jericho for the Intercontinental Title.

SummerSlam: Kane vs. Matt Hardy in a Til Death Do Us Part Match.

SummerSlam: John Cena vs. Booker T in the first match of the best of five for the United States Title.

SummerSlam: Rey Mysterio, Billy Kidman, and Paul London vs. Those Damn Dudleys.

SummerSlam: Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle.

SummerSlam: The Undertaker vs. John Bradshaw Layfield for the WWE Championship.

SummerSlam: Ain't there a cure for the Summertime Blues?  No.

 

JAZZ vs. VICTORIA (w/ clothes) (and now w/ less clothes, but still covered in clothes)

Victoria is wearing a singlet today, making her stripping, ehhh, less effective.  Victoria with a shoulderblock and a 1 count, then indicates that she was that close.  That's not really true.  A shoving match ensues, Jazz knocks her down with a shoulderblock, then indicates that she too was that close.  To what, you crazy ladies?  Jazz with a corner whip, Victoria goes up and over, then runs to the opposite corner and springs back with a crossbody off the second rope for 2.  Bodyslam and a standing Victori-assault gets 2.  Jazz retreats to the outside, only to be baseball slid into by Victoria.  Victoria rams her facefirst into the apron, then rolls her back in for a nearfall counted just as we're going to commercial.  Wouldn't that have been awkward if it was good for 3!

 

Back with Victoria hitting her whirl-a-tilt slam for 2 and a clothesline for 2.  Jazz backdrops her over the top rope, but she lands on the apron in a close call.  Not out of the woods yet though, as Jazz punches her, then heaves her shoulderfirst into the post.  Jazz follows to the floor and slingshots her into the barricade.  Victoria's left shoulder is a-hurtin'.  Jazz rolls her in and works the shoulder.  She stands up so she suffers sharp shots of short-arm shoulderblocks to her shattered shoulder.  Shit.  Jazz with two butterfly suplexes for 2.  Jazz with a Fisherwoman's Buster!  One two no!

 

Jazz ties Victoria up in the tree of woe, "made popular by Kevin Sullivan," then goes outside and grabs a chair.  But who should she meet upon returning but Heat GM Some Sort Of Mysterious Woman!  She grabs the chair, then piefaces Jazz to the ground!  That's grounds for disqualification.  You know it's the Mack Militant!  Rodney hits the ring, grabs the strange lady and spins her around, only to be ferociously clotheslined to the ground!  Some Sort Of Mysterious Woman has run amuck!  Mr. and Mrs. Mack have been laid to waste, Victoria's creeped out, and SSOMW has her face totally hidden by the red wing.  An enthralling cliffhanger.

 

jmshapyro@yahoo.com

 

My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.

 

Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
August 1, 2004: My Name is Jobbie.

by Justin Shapiro

 

Heat!  So nice, I'll ... sit through a second time.

 

Match Results: Tyson Tomko beat Val Venis; Rhyno & Tajiri beat Rory & Robbie McAllister; Rosey beat Robért Conway; Jazz & Molly Holly beat Victoria & Nidia

 

Boom boom boom boom, a brief pyrotechnic display.

 

TYSON TOMKO (w/ Trish Stratus) vs. VAL VENIS (w/ who, intriguingly, once had a similar business relationship with this very same Trish Stratus)

Would you, could you believe that this is the fourth time in three weeks that I'm watching Tomko vs. Val?  I saw them on Heat on the 11th, in Erie on the 24th, in Pittsburgh on the 26th, and now an encore presentation of that match.  It's gotten progressively better, at least.  Val with a hammerlock, Tomko gets the ropes.  Val is willing to clean break and so is Tomko except EH EH, he starts, like, clawing Val in the face and getting a hissyfit takedown out of it.  Tomko stomps Val's ankle and hand and ankle.  In the midst of all this, Coach is going "OOH ROO ROO ROO ROO ROO" in an apparent Kamala impression, while Al is talking about rolling divas onto their stomachs and trying to pin them.  Jesus.  "Tomko Sux" chant is the real deal, I assure you.  Val charges but gets drop toeheld, then trapped in a perilous camel clutch...type situation.  Trish waves at Val.  Trish shrugs at Val.  Oh, Trish.  I wonder if she knows what it means to *verbally* seduce someone.

Notes from present day: Do you recall which diva contestant asked the question about what it means to verbally seduce someone?  Would you believe it was Maria.  No joke.  Well, inherently a joke.  But still true.

 

Val fights to his feet and hiptosses his way to freedom.  He avoids a Tomko charge and then repeatedly clotheslines him in the corner.  Half nelson slam goes off without a hitch this time and gets 2.  Tomko short arm reverses a whip into a side headlock that gets turn into the blue thunder bomb for 2.  Val with punches from the mountie, then heads to the top rope, but gets cut off.  Tomko goes to press him off the top, but Val kind of sort of turns it into a small package on the way down.  Only problem is that in the process of the small packaging, Tomko takes a headfirst crunch into the mat.  Tomko with a reverse atomic drop, Val falls back into the ropes and ties himself up.  Tomko is like 'jackpot!' and charges right into Val's feet.  And you know what they say about guys with big feet.  Val gets untied, but Trish is up on the apron to kick him in the back of the leg.  Val limps forward into the Kick Your Face So Hard I Fall On My Own Human Butt, but without the falling.  What they say about guys with big feet is: that there's always a bigger foot.  As Val Venis has just learned.  123.  This was a lot better than their first match.

 

Last Monday, Julia got eliminated.  Oh no, not Julia.  Wow, Sunday Night Heat exclusive footage of Todd Grisham interviewing poor Jules right after the elimination.  Sensitive Todd gets her reaction: she's disappointed and sad to say goodbye to her sissy.  I would be mad at my sissy considering that they probably split the vote against each other.  Oh god, the verbal seduction.  Oh god, booga booga booga.  You gotta give credit to Carmella, however, for NOT EVEN TRYING~! and still getting bigger pops than everyone else combined.

 

RHYNO and TAJIRI vs. RORY and ROBBIE McALLISTER (w/ kilts)

I could've sworn that R&R were introduced with the last name "McGregor" at the taping.  Plus, Rory wrestled as a McGregor on Heat in April.  Conspiracy!  McAllister is not a sufficiently ethnic last name.  This is just like when they changed Benoit's hometown.  Speaking of April, Al reminisces about dressing up as a ninja to fight Tajiri for Coach.  Awesome finish wherein Rhyno stun guns Robbie across the top rope right into a Tajiri kick from the apron.  Tajiri is admonished but insists that he was minding his own business and holding the tag rope.  "GORE! GORE! GORE!" Al borrows the famed Heyman call.  123.

 

The official theme song of SummerSlam is "Summertime Blues" by Rush, er, Kimura.

 

Let us take you back to Jericho and Orton at the conclusion of the battle royal.  This was a huge showdown between the world's two top masters of teasing eliminations in battle royals.


ROBÉRT CONWAY (w/ Sylvain Grenier [w/ flag]) vs. ROSEY (w/ new threads) (w/ Hurricane [w/ three-year-old threads]
Ohhhhhhhhh Canada receives coitus interruptus from Rosey's music.  We must be coming up on the one-year anniversary of Conway on the main roster.  Also, the one-year anniversary of Rosey as a Super Hero In Training -- training that apparently took longer to complete than my master's program will.  What a ripoff.  What a shameless degree-drop. Anyway, I guess it's a very special one-year anniversary match between Conway and Roosevelt.

Grenier pulls Conway out of the way of a Rosey charge and he shoulders the post.  Grenier rams Rosey's head into that post and he falls to the floor, but Hurricane chases him away before Rosey can be further victimized.  Rosey rolls back in just in time for Conway to drop an elbow off the second rope onto his back for 2.  Rosey reverses a corner whip, Conway springs back out with a turnaround crossbody that Rosey avoids.  Rosey knocks Grenier off the apron, then heads to the second rope -- up, up, and away!  Down, down, and fat!  Which is to say FLYING OVERWEIGHT BODYPRESS OFF THE SECOND ROPE!  SPLAT!  One, two, three!

 

To the Democratic National Convention.  We can do better, and help is on the way, in the form of Linda McMahon, Ivory, and Stacy Keibler.  Okay, we really can do better.  Holy shit, it's Christopher Nowinski, unacknowledged by chyron, and he's lost a ton of weight.  Is that Jerry Springer?  Is that Fred Willard?  Are they at the wrong convention?  Hey, wha happened?  Stacy says she's learning all sorts of things that she should've learned in school but was never paying attention to.  Oh, does that explain why she sucked on the test?  Good lord, I apologize.

YJ Sting of the Night: two weeks ago, Batista scrambled Benoit's brain.

 

Video package for the 60 Minute Iron Men.  A very special message to the lone turd who incessantly chanted "COLT CA-BA-NA" for the duration of this match: I hate you, dude.

 

SummerSlam: Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title.

 

WWE Slam of the Week: last week on Heat, of all things, Heat GM Some Strange Woman helped Victoria defeat Jazz.


JAZZ (w/o Rodney Mack) and MOLLY HOLLY (w/o Hurricane) vs. NIDIA (w/o Jamie Noble) and VICTORIA (w/ clothes) (and now w/o them)

Say, was Mighty Molly actually the first superhero in training?  Something to think about -- never.  Coach refers to Nidia as Al Snow's "sassy, nastay protege."  I wonder which one of these women is the lady to mess with.  I can tell you which one ain't.  Victoria dominates the earlygoing, then tags in Nidia for an assisted wheelbarrow splash on Molly.  1, 2, Jazz tries to break it up with an elbow drop, Nidia moves and Molly gets it.  Molly reverses a Nidia whip and Jazz lowbridges the middle rope, spilling Nidia to the floor.  So that's why they're called "shorties."  Jazz clotheslines Nidia on the outside and rolls her back in.  Molly with a handspring elbow for 2.  Jazz comes in to pound on her some more.  Bitchinoku Driver gets 1, 2, Jazz pulls her up for more *punishment*. 

 

Except, guess what, Nidia gets a desperation neckbreaker and makes! the! tag! to Victoria!  And she runs wild on both of 'em!  (Girls gone wild.)  Flapjack on Jazz, 1, 2, Molly breaks it up, and Nidia spears Molly right out of her boobs!  Her boots!  They tussle out of the ring, and Victoria scales the ropes for a moonsault only to find herself face-to-face with Heat GM Steven Richards!!!!!!!  Stevie wants to know why she won't talk to him, but Victoria says she's in the middle of this match here.  Jazz abruptly ends the uncomfortable situation by dropkicking Victoria in the back, sending her facefirst into the middle turnbuckle and knocking her out.  1.  2.  3.  Look at what happens to Victoria when that mystery lady isn't around.  Stevie dolorously wanders into the aisle.  "TALK TO ME!  JUST TALK TO ME!"  He falls to his knees in anguish.......


jmshapyro@yahoo.com

 

My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.

 

Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


 

WWE SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORT
July 25, 2004

by Justin Shapiro

 

Hey, check out this incredible continuity between two different head writers, two years apart:

"One day I'm gonna have a kid, and it's gonna have all my Mattributes.  But, you know, with my girlfriend injured, it's kinda tough, you know what I mean?" - Matt Hardy, September 12, 2002.

 

Match Results: Val Venis beat Heat GM Steven Richards; Maven beat Chuck Palumbo; Victoria beat Jazz [a tough night for former members of The Alliance]

 

Thank heavens that Jonathan Coachman is back in the house tonight.  Coach claims he needed a break last week after getting tired out by the divas, and you know what that means (doing it [in the Playa's Club featuring Coach]).  He and Snow disparage the bad name of Todd Grisham.  We are 26 hours away from the 60 minute iron man match, so my mighty math tells me that means it is in fact starting at 9 p.m.

 

VAL VENIS vs. HEAT GM STEVEN RICHARDS

Lockup, Val with an armdrag, Val with a gyration.  Tawdry.  Val with all sorts of shoulderblocking, then a wristlock.  Richards reverses a whip and stunguns Val across the top rope.  Stevie with kicks to the head, face, and skull.  Stevie with a neckbreaker and a knee on the throat and an open hand slap to Val's back.  Stevie does an incredible circling wardance in preparation for a baseball slide dropkick that knocks Val to the floor.  Val is back in, only to receive the I'll Show You You'll See suplex for 1.  Stevie calls for the SteVieT but Val has his hands locked to prevent it, so Stevie settles for a neckbreaker.  Coach says "Eugene is gone now and not coming back," but I'm pretty sure I saw him last night in Erie.  Apparently, he had been eating ice cream.

 

Stevie with a bodyscissors/chinlock, equal parts rear and naked.  Val elbows out, hits some chops, Stevie reverses a whip into the corner, Val avoids the charge and gets a schoolboy for 2.  Val with a clothesline and his running series of knees.  Butterfly suplex for 2.  Val runs into an "organized Italian businessman kick."  SteVieT is again blocked, Stevie hits the ropes but returns to a spinebuster for 2.  Val heads for the Money Shot, but Stevie is already lingering so he heads back to beat him down.  Except Stevie catches him with a back elbow, right out of nowhere.  Cover, feet on the ropes, 1 2 no.  Stevie argues with the ref, allowing Val to sneakily catch him with a half nelson slam and a Money Shot.  123.

 

YJ Sting of the Night: Triple H was never Eugene's friend and he actually hates him.  You see, this angle is all an elaborate roman a clef for Hunter's relationship with Goldberg backstage.

 

Let us take you back to Batista beating up Benoit.  It was all HHH's idea; Batista had originally planned on just flexing at him.

 

Tomorrow: Chris Benoit vs. Triple H in a 60 minute iron man match.  Last time Raw was in Pittsburgh, Rosey got stuck in a phone booth, but this time he'll be a full-fledged superhero.  Last time Raw was in Pittsburgh, Lita was being courted by Christian, but this time she's damaged goods.


Notes from present day: Obviously every joke I ever wrote about the Lita/Kane/Matt angle now takes on a double meaning.  But they were already great jokes to begin with!  Damn you, hindsight.


"Summertime Blues" by Rush is no "St. Anger ('Round My Neck)" or "(Let The) Bodies (Hit the Floor)."

 

Let us take you back to HOT CHICKS, OH BABY.  Raw Divas on the Highlight Reel.  Baha, they drown out all the booing with white noise.  Now here's a truncated replay of them ransacking Bischoff's office.  The best part is when Bischoff walks in, the picture turns black and white and the music turns all dramatic.  You know, because our heroines were in such peril, giggling while Bischoff told them to shut their whore mouths and whatnot.  Also let's watch Kane vs. Jericho for the hell of it.

 

Footage from house shows.  Not included: HHH doing the Lex Luger boob-flexing spot.

 

MAVEN vs. CHUCK PALUMBO (w/ ballcap and slacks and red tennis shoes)

Chuck slapnuts the nuts out of Maven's head.  I have no idea what that means, but Chuck slaps him around until Maven punches back.  Maven with two dropkicks (two shades of Maven) for 2.  Chuck with a thumb to the eye, then bullrushes him into the corner.  Whip to the opposite corner, where he charges into an elbow.  Maven scoots to the second rope, where Chuck jungle kicks him and knocks him to the floor.  Rolled back in, cover gets 2.  Chuck with a back suplex for 2.  Chinlockish maneuver, Maven fights out, but Chuck catches him by the foot and clotheslines him.  Chuck with a snapmare, kick to the back of the back, and another.  Chuck with  camel clutch.  Maven stands up out of it and runs Chuck backfirst into the corner.  Maven with a forearm and a spinning heel kick for 2.  To the top rope, flying bodypress is rolled through by Chuck for 2.  Maven with a school boy for 2.  Chuck cuts him off again with a clothesline, then steps on him.  Chuck intimidates the ref while Maven pulls himself up in the corner -- Chuck charges, Maven hops up and over with a sunset flip, 123!

 

WWE Slam of the Week: Edge beating Orton at Vengeance.  IC you see.

 

Let us take you back to Edge beating Orton on Raw.  Cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Notes from present day: See what I mean.

 

VICTORIA (w/ clothes) (and now w/o them) vs. JAZZ

Coach feels no remorse when he has to cut the wannabe divas.  Armbar reversing to start, Victoria with a hiptoss and an armdrag.  Legdrop to the arm, armscissors is used to get a cover for 2.  Jazz hits some knees, corner whip, charges into two of Victoria's feet.  Victoria tries for another double boot, but Jazz catches her legs and yanks her down.  Jazz drops a buncha elbows on Victoria's back and gets 2.  Jazz with her bridging back facelock.  A couple corner whips and a side slam for 2.  Victoria slips behind on a bodyslam and rolls her up for 2, then backslides for 2, then hits her whirl-a-tilt slam for 2.  Jazz retreats to the floor, Victoria intends to follow her with a pescado, Jazz moves, and ohhhhh shit, she Gail Kims it anyway and catches her feet on the top rope, falling hard all the way down.  Thud.  That would be a most believeable countout finish.  Jazz is back in and the count is on, but with the ref occupied with his counting obligations, Jazz is clubbed from behind by Heat GM Some Strange Woman!  Victoria makes it back in at eight and finds herself with an easy La Magistral for 123.  This Strange Woman watches on while Victoria is all, "Wha?"

 

Tomorrow at 9 p.m.: Chris Benoit vs. Triple H in a 60 minute iron man match.  I'll see what I can do about the heat.  Also, the Heat.

 

jmshapyro@yahoo.com

 

My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.

 

Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).