Heat!  So nice, I'll ... sit through a second time.

Match Results: Tyson Tomko beat Val Venis; Rhyno & Tajiri beat Rory & Robbie McAllister; Rosey beat Robért Conway; Jazz & Molly Holly beat Victoria & Nidia

Boom boom boom boom, a brief pyrotechnic display.

TYSON TOMKO (w/ Trish Stratus) vs. VAL VENIS (w/ who, intriguingly, once had a similar business relationship with this very same Trish Stratus)

Would you, could you believe that this is the fourth time in three weeks that I'm watching Tomko vs. Val?  I saw them on Heat on the 11th, in Erie on the 24th, in Pittsburgh on the 26th, and now an encore presentation of that match.  It's gotten progressively better, at least.  Val with a hammerlock, Tomko gets the ropes.  Val is willing to clean break and so is Tomko except EH EH, he starts, like, clawing Val in the face and getting a hissyfit takedown out of it.  Tomko stomps Val's ankle and hand and ankle.  In the midst of all this, Coach is going "OOH ROO ROO ROO ROO ROO" in an apparent Kamala impression, while Al is talking about rolling divas onto their stomachs and trying to pin them.  Jesus.  "Tomko Sux" chant is the real deal, I assure you.  Val charges but gets drop toeheld, then trapped in a perilous camel clutch...type situation.  Trish waves at Val.  Trish shrugs at Val.  Oh, Trish.  I wonder if she knows what it means to *verbally* seduce someone.

Notes from present day: Do you recall which diva contestant asked the question about what it means to verbally seduce someone?  Would you believe it was Maria.  No joke.  Well, inherently a joke.  But still true.

Val fights to his feet and hiptosses his way to freedom.  He avoids a Tomko charge and then repeatedly clotheslines him in the corner.  Half nelson slam goes off without a hitch this time and gets 2.  Tomko short arm reverses a whip into a side headlock that gets turn into the blue thunder bomb for 2.  Val with punches from the mountie, then heads to the top rope, but gets cut off.  Tomko goes to press him off the top, but Val kind of sort of turns it into a small package on the way down.  Only problem is that in the process of the small packaging, Tomko takes a headfirst crunch into the mat.  Tomko with a reverse atomic drop, Val falls back into the ropes and ties himself up.  Tomko is like 'jackpot!' and charges right into Val's feet.  And you know what they say about guys with big feet.  Val gets untied, but Trish is up on the apron to kick him in the back of the leg.  Val limps forward into the Kick Your Face So Hard I Fall On My Own Human Butt, but without the falling.  What they say about guys with big feet is: that there's always a bigger foot.  As Val Venis has just learned.  123.  This was a lot better than their first match.

Last Monday, Julia got eliminated.  Oh no, not Julia.  Wow, Sunday Night Heat exclusive footage of Todd Grisham interviewing poor Jules right after the elimination.  Sensitive Todd gets her reaction: she's disappointed and sad to say goodbye to her sissy.  I would be mad at my sissy considering that they probably split the vote against each other.  Oh god, the verbal seduction.  Oh god, booga booga booga.  You gotta give credit to Carmella, however, for NOT EVEN TRYING~! and still getting bigger pops than everyone else combined.

RHYNO and TAJIRI vs. RORY and ROBBIE McALLISTER (w/ kilts)

I could've sworn that R&R were introduced with the last name "McGregor" at the taping.  Plus, Rory wrestled as a McGregor on Heat in April.  Conspiracy!  McAllister is not a sufficiently ethnic last name.  This is just like when they changed Benoit's hometown.  Speaking of April, Al reminisces about dressing up as a ninja to fight Tajiri for Coach.  Awesome finish wherein Rhyno stun guns Robbie across the top rope right into a Tajiri kick from the apron.  Tajiri is admonished but insists that he was minding his own business and holding the tag rope.  "GORE! GORE! GORE!" Al borrows the famed Heyman call.  123.

The official theme song of SummerSlam is "Summertime Blues" by Rush, er, Kimura.

Let us take you back to Jericho and Orton at the conclusion of the battle royal.  This was a huge showdown between the world's two top masters of teasing eliminations in battle royals.

ROBÉRT CONWAY (w/ Sylvain Grenier [w/ flag]) vs. ROSEY (w/ new threads) (w/ Hurricane [w/ three-year-old threads]
Ohhhhhhhhh Canada receives coitus interruptus from Rosey's music.  We must be coming up on the one-year anniversary of Conway on the main roster.  Also, the one-year anniversary of Rosey as a Super Hero In Training -- training that apparently took longer to complete than my master's program will.  What a ripoff.  What a shameless degree-drop. Anyway, I guess it's a very special one-year anniversary match between Conway and Roosevelt.

Grenier pulls Conway out of the way of a Rosey charge and he shoulders the post.  Grenier rams Rosey's head into that post and he falls to the floor, but Hurricane chases him away before Rosey can be further victimized.  Rosey rolls back in just in time for Conway to drop an elbow off the second rope onto his back for 2.  Rosey reverses a corner whip, Conway springs back out with a turnaround crossbody that Rosey avoids.  Rosey knocks Grenier off the apron, then heads to the second rope -- up, up, and away!  Down, down, and fat!  Which is to say FLYING OVERWEIGHT BODYPRESS OFF THE SECOND ROPE!  SPLAT!  One, two, three!

To the Democratic National Convention.  We can do better, and help is on the way, in the form of Linda McMahon, Ivory, and Stacy Keibler.  Okay, we really can do better.  Holy shit, it's Christopher Nowinski, unacknowledged by chyron, and he's lost a ton of weight.  Is that Jerry Springer?  Is that Fred Willard?  Are they at the wrong convention?  Hey, wha happened?  Stacy says she's learning all sorts of things that she should've learned in school but was never paying attention to.  Oh, does that explain why she sucked on the test?  Good lord, I apologize.

YJ Sting of the Night: two weeks ago, Batista scrambled Benoit's brain.

Video package for the 60 Minute Iron Men.  A very special message to the lone turd who incessantly chanted "COLT CA-BA-NA" for the duration of this match: I hate you, dude.

SummerSlam: Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Title.

WWE Slam of the Week: last week on Heat, of all things, Heat GM Some Strange Woman helped Victoria defeat Jazz.

JAZZ (w/o Rodney Mack) and MOLLY HOLLY (w/o Hurricane) vs. NIDIA (w/o Jamie Noble) and VICTORIA (w/ clothes) (and now w/o them)

Say, was Mighty Molly actually the first superhero in training?  Something to think about -- never.  Coach refers to Nidia as Al Snow's "sassy, nastay protege."  I wonder which one of these women is the lady to mess with.  I can tell you which one ain't.  Victoria dominates the earlygoing, then tags in Nidia for an assisted wheelbarrow splash on Molly.  1, 2, Jazz tries to break it up with an elbow drop, Nidia moves and Molly gets it.  Molly reverses a Nidia whip and Jazz lowbridges the middle rope, spilling Nidia to the floor.  So that's why they're called "shorties."  Jazz clotheslines Nidia on the outside and rolls her back in.  Molly with a handspring elbow for 2.  Jazz comes in to pound on her some more.  Bitchinoku Driver gets 1, 2, Jazz pulls her up for more *punishment*. 

Except, guess what, Nidia gets a desperation neckbreaker and makes! the! tag! to Victoria!  And she runs wild on both of 'em!  (Girls gone wild.)  Flapjack on Jazz, 1, 2, Molly breaks it up, and Nidia spears Molly right out of her boobs!  Her boots!  They tussle out of the ring, and Victoria scales the ropes for a moonsault only to find herself face-to-face with Heat GM Steven Richards!!!!!!!  Stevie wants to know why she won't talk to him, but Victoria says she's in the middle of this match here.  Jazz abruptly ends the uncomfortable situation by dropkicking Victoria in the back, sending her facefirst into the middle turnbuckle and knocking her out.  1.  2.  3.  Look at what happens to Victoria when that mystery lady isn't around.  Stevie dolorously wanders into the aisle.  "TALK TO ME!  JUST TALK TO ME!"  He falls to his knees in anguish.......

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