By Justin Shapiro

 

by Justin Shapiro

Big daddio did it!!! A huge congratulations to Sunday Night Heat for only finishing second in the 2003 Observer Awards for Worst TV Show. There's so many people who need to be thanked: Heat General Manager Steven Richards.  Victoria.  Jonathan Coachman.  Al Snow.  N. Khan.  Arch Kincaid.  George Oscar Bluth II. And, of course, God.

To celebrate, I wrote lyrics to the Heat theme:

"Heeeeeeat, Coach and Al /

Heeeeeeat, Coach and Al /

Heeeeeeat, Coach and Al /

Heat.  Heat.  Heat."

Al Snow wishes us Feliz Año Nuevo, which is Spanish for Happy New Year.  Not to be confused with Feliz Ano Nuevo, which is Spanish for Happy New Anus.

VAL VENIS and LANCE STORM (w/ ho train) vs. LA RESISTANCE (w/ flag)

Shots of ladies in audience cheering for the sexy dudes.  Coach instructs the cameramen, "Find the hot chicks! We do not let ugly chicks on Heat!"  Harsh.  "USA" chant for ... Conway?  Storm flips out of a Conway backdrop and lands on his feet, but Dupree grabs his leg, allowing Conway to DDT him and win this match.

WWE Originals.  Dudleys singing argh.

They had a real missed opportunity on Raw with the pro and con Stone Cold testimonies by Linda and Vince.  This was the perfect chance to do the Andrea Dorian episode of Seinfeld where George meets with the board of directors to sway them with the astonishing tales of Costanza.  They should've shown Vince talking about Bang 3:16 and the bedpan and pouring cement in his car.  "In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment.  They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life, in dealing with a foul-mouthed, beer-drinking, finger-gesturing, hell-raising Rattlesnake."

Tomorrow: Mark Henry's Survivor Series Favor.  Really?  That's the big tease for Raw?  What could Mark Henry's big reward be?  I dunno, like, a really big ... sandwich?  To be bent in half and then eaten?

WWE Originals.  Trish singing argh.

Man.  I saw the ESPN.com headline "Angels, Guerrero agree to deal" and I was like, "Oh wow, what is this all about?  The signing of a big Kurt/Eddie match for Wrestlemania?  Perhaps the formation of an incredible tag-team alliance?"  But then it was just about baseball.

GARRISON CADE and MARK JINDRAK (w/ pretty new haircut) vs. MATT CAPPOTELLI (w/ doo rag) and JOHN HENNIGAN (w/ long hair)

Matt and John run out with the "oh yeah, get pumped up" babyface gestures.  Tag to Matt, double whip, double hiptoss, double kip-up, double weird-ass hand gestures.  Coach: "What the hell was that?"  Al: "I didn't teach that.  Maybe Bill DeMott did."  Alas, while the ref is returning Matt to his corner, Jindrak catches John, in mid-air mind you, and Cade guillotines him over the top rope - 123.  I'm sorry, you're cut.  BURP.  Diva.

DVD extra - stuff that I wish happened in this match but didn't:
1) Bob Holly showed up to kick Matt in the face again and be in a spot he actually deserves.

2) Matt cried.
3) Heat GM Steven Richards came out and fired John for stealing his look.

4) Taylor Matheny showed up to emotionally declare her feelings for me.

Non-Title Match: NEW HARDCORE LEGEND RANDY ORTON (w/ IC belt) vs. VAL VENIS (w/ you see towel)

Coach: "I'm begging the director to stop showing ugly girls."  Dude, be nice.  Val with the series of running knees to congratulate Kobashi for likely winning Wrestler of the Year, followed by an octopus hold to congratulate the ocean for being so magnificent.  Val to the top rope, Orton punches, superplex is pushed off, Money Shot hits the knees!  RKO!  123!

WWE Originals.  Booker singing argh.

Royal Rumble Qualifying Match: RICO (w/ Miss Jackie) vs. TOMMY DREAMER (w/ cane)

Double leg takedown and Rico rides Dreamer like a horse. Yeehaw. Jackie grabs Tommy's cane and he pulls it and her into the ring, allowing Rico to do some crazy move where he pulls Dreamer down backwards onto his knees. "I am having intercourse with you" pin gets 2. Announcers think that the Rumble being in Dreamer's backyard of Philadelphia could improve his chances of winning. Maybe. Rico goes for a double ax off the top but Dreamer double sledges his face. Jackie puts his foot on the rope and gets yanked to the apron, Rico/Jackie collision is avoided, but Rico puts his head down for a backdrop and gets caught in a DDT. Miraculously, he telekinetically wills Dreamer back into the ropes, where Jackie canes him and Rico hits his lethal spinning martial arts kick-type maneuver to win and advance to the Rumble. Good luck, Rico!

Hey, I've got a project for John Henson. Suicide.

RUMBLErumbleRUMBLErumbleRUMBLErumble.  Oh, excuse me.  I was just singing Earthquake's music.  But tonight it's also the Roooooooyal Rumble. We are joined by Josh and Rue.  She's cute, I suppose.  She's a cutie.  She's a little cutie pie.  They hit the video package for Los Guerreros Guerreados.

Michael Cole stands with Eddie Guerrero.  He's had a hard time controlling his temper but he's going to prove he's the better man and better wrestler, *then* kick his butt.  SU ANO, vato!

WWE Originals release party.  Trish says it was cool for the CD to drop -- don't say "drop."

Funaki stands outside the drawing room with Kurt Angle.  He explains his eye injury on Thursday: he was poked in the eye, and couldn't see for a while.  I figured as much.

Wrestlemania Recall: Andre the Giant bodyslams (Big) John Studd.  There needs to be more bodyslam challenges.

Back to Josh Matthews and Rue "DE BONA"??? Are you kidding me?  Wow.  They speculate on the Rumble favorites -- Rue considers a returning Billy Gunn in an upset.  Yeah, maybe he'll hit the ring and lay out everyone with Fame-assers.*

* Notes from 2005: The joke therein is that, absurdly enough, he did.

Back to Al and Coach and the HHH/HBK LMS video package.  Finally, a climactic battle and decisive finish to their 7 year history!  Though now the blowoff can be a bodyslam challenge.  Actually, I think instead of a finish, the Shawn/Hunter blowoff would just end with both guys simultaneously ascending to heaven while the DX music played.

Josh, Rue DE BONA!!!!!!, Al, and Coach run down the matches again.  Every time I see the big Rumble graphic, I think Time Traveling Jeff Hardy From The Past is in the match, but inevitably it's always merely Charlie Haas.

YJ Stinger: Bret Hart and Lex Luger tie in the 1994 Rumble.  And now they're both divorced.  Coincidence?

Special video look as Steve Austin went to London for a book signing.  Coincidentally, at the same time, Paul London went to Austin for assigned booking.

Inbox Mailbag (The Other Squared Circle): "Justin, I enjoyed your phat new composition from last week, the lyrics to the Heat theme.  Have you written any other songs?"

Well, I'm glad you asked, fake person.  Here's a little number I wrote about Smackdown superstar Nidia and her recent troubles.  It goes to the tune of the Bob Dylan masterpiece "Blind Willie McTell," except instead of the real words, it has words about wrestling!  Orginal lyrics here, copyright © 1983 Special Rider Music.

"BLIND NIDIA GUENARD"

by Justin Shapiro

Seen the arrow on the ringpost

Saying, "This brand is condemned

All the way from Funaki

To Shelton Benjamin."

I traveled through East Texas

For the Survivor Series card

And I know no one has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard

Well, I heard John Cena rapping

As they were main eventing Vince

The Nielsens in the barren 3s

Were their only audience

And charcoal gypsy Mavens

Can cut their foreheads scarred

But nobody has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard

Heard that Triple H was turning

Seen the backing out of stips

Enjoyed the sweet push for Matt Bloom and

Seen the most of Sable and Trish

In angles with Vince, boning

Near the Undertaker's yard

But nobody has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard

There's a Heyman by the writers

With Stone Cold Steve Austin there

He's dressed up like a sheriff

Bootlegged whiskey with his beer

There's a chain match at No Mercy

I can hear Tazz sell it hard

And I know no one has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard

Well, Shawn is in heaven

And we all want what's his

But Stephanie, Shane, and Taker vs. Kane

Seem to be all that there is

I'm gazing out the window

Of B.G. James' car

And I know no one has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard

::ominous piano fadeout::

jmshapyro@yahoo.com