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May 18, 2003
May/Jun. 2003
Jul., Aug., Sep. 2003
Fall 2003
Jan. 2004


By Justin Shapiro

Justin Shapiro

Introduction: When Sean asked me if I’d be interested in submitting some Classic WO.com Heat Reports on The Wrestling Fan to commemorate the end of Sunday Night Heat, he played right into my two most defining qualities: narcissism and laziness.  That being said, in the two and a half years that I’ve been writing Heat recaps, Sean has always been remarkably kind and encouraging, lest ye think that a man so cruel to legendary figures of this industry like Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior was bereft of a soul.


So I can think of no place I’d rather have these Heat Reruns reran -- regardless of however little interest there might be in the reruns of old Heat recaps from 2003 and 2004.  Well, y’all can suck it, because syndication is an incredibly lucrative cash cow.  I’M RICH.  I will buy and sell you all. 


But before I do that, please enjoy my third ever Heat report, from May 18, 2003.  It’s very barebones, comparatively, because I was still easing into the job and trying not to be fired in disgrace.  But it’s got a few Good Ones, I think, and by looking at an early example, we can all see the concerted effort I made to increase my jokerate as the years progressed.


Wow, this is truly the vainest vanity project ever.  Let’s not waste another moment!





for May 18, 2003

by Justin Shapiro


Hello, wrestling fans.  I’ve got Heat with you.

The Big News: We are live from Charlotte, North Carolina, and Judgment Day is NEXT, only on pay-per-view!  Hey, how is Heat going to hype the Smackdown-only PPV in July?


Best Match: Hurricane, the local boy, pinned Steven Richards.  I guess this continues the reputed huge roll he’s been on.


Worst Match: Hurricane, the local boy, pinned Steven Richards.  I guess this continues the reputed huge roll he’s been on.


Absurdity of the Week: You can count the number of times Bill Goldberg’s name was mentioned during the broadcast on zero fingers.


The Nilton/The Coach: Poor Mr. Coachman handled himself okay, except for mispronouncing the word “pushing” as “pussy.”  Oops.


Analysis/Highlights: Video package for Torrie and Sable’s feud.  (As we all remember, that lollipop angle was first done during the famous Ray Stevens/Pepper Gomez program in San Francisco.) ... Josh Matthews interviewed Cowgirl Sable.  Sable called him a sex-starved boy and promised to knock him back into puberty.  Back? ... Recap of the Smackdown Tour de Force, uh, tour.  Holy shit Benoit dancing!! ... Somebody tell David Lagana to get his ass back to Friends and put a stop to this Joey/Rachel nonsense. ... Announcers discuss Chavo Guerrero’s injury.  Maybe his dad can take his place.* ...


* Notes from 2005: This was written a full seven months before Chavo Guerrero Sr. appeared on WWE television!!!!!  What am I, a genius?  A wizard?


Big plug for Freddie Blassie’s book and a recap of the attempted octogenarian-bashing from Monday.  Remember that promo from two years ago where Stephanie promised that Blassie would be dead soon?  I guess she was wrong.*  ... They re-ran the Intercontinental Title video package from October.  The memorable reigns of Lance Storm, Test, and Goldust were not covered. ... Eric Bischoff found Chief Morley backstage.  Eric thought the Chief was fired, but Morley says he was planning on entering the IC Battle Royal.  You can get fired and still enter the battle royal?  Sign Jeff Hardy up.  Bischoff says Chief Morley was never IC Champion.  (Wha?)  Morley says he guesses that **CHIEF** **MORLEY** won’t be competing in the battle royal after all.  What could this possibly mean?? ...


* Notes from 2005: And then, ultimately, right. I believe Blassie died the day after this was written.  Whoops.


Terri interviewed Theodore R. Long and Baby Girl Jazz.  Long says that Terri is pretty smart for a white girl and that the fatal fourway rules are str8 up haterization. ... Triple H/Kevin Nash video package.  Since Hunter always does long PPV matches, I think they’re going to have a worse match than Hogan and Piper. ... Recap of Mr. America visiting the wounded soldiers.  They’ve shown Our Troops on Heat for the last three weeks running. ... Recap of Piper’s Pit and Tenacious Z.  Running angles like this is only going to encourage more fans with one leg to jump the rail. ...


Earlier Today, Team Angle took credit for putting Chavito out of action. ... Hurricane beat Stevie after the Shining Wizard, called by J.R. and referred to as “shades of the Great Muta” (!).  Video package for Brock Lesnar and Big Show that includes clips of Rey Mysterio from behind without his mask and the Andre/Killer Khan match.  I could’ve sworn I saw a Lex Luger vs. Crush stretcher match at a house show in 1994.  It was excellent. ... Hey, this is the first time in seven years that Undertaker won’t be involved in the main event of the May PPV.  I assume. ... As we go off the air, Lesnar enters the building but Big Show is watching him from the shadows!  ROOOOAR!


Match Results: Hurricane b. Richards




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro


Best of May and June 2003:

A Pastiche, An Amalgalm, A Magpie's Nest

by Justin Shapiro


Oh man, this is it.  I can't believe it.  Dave Meltzer!  Bryan Alvarez! The big time. Little Justin Shapiro, on the WO.com.  Here we go, big shot.  Screw this up and you’re gone.  Oh my gosh.  This week, the Big News ...

The Big News: Coach!  What are we going to do with you?  Selected highlights ...


[on Monday’s GM angle] “Whenever Linda McMahon shows up, something good seems to happen.”


[on the balloons dropping]

Coach: “You’ll notice, not one white balloon during Teddy Long’s celebration.”

Al: “I thought it was the national colors of Africa.”

Coach: “It was ... that too.”


If you listen very closely, you can still hear Vince in Coach’s ear yelling “You’re blowing it!”



What If WWE Was The Show Night Court?: We’ve all asked this question and it’s time to get some answers.  Well, here they are.


Harry T. Stone ... Mick Foley

Christine Sullivan ... Torrie Wilson

Dan Fielding ... Chris Jericho

Bull ... Bull Buchanan

Roz ... Faarooq

Selma ... Mae Young

Mac ... Booker T.

Quon Le ... Goldust, or Funaki



What Happened During The TV Show Heat: Cold opening as Tommy Dreamer talking to a mysterious man in the shadows and getting him to be his tagteam partner tonight.


Stevie Richards vs. Maven saw Jackie guillotine Richards, allowing Maven to hit a missile dropkick for the win.  Announcers aren’t teasing a romance between Jackie and Maven are they?  That’s weird.  Everyone knows that Jackie loved Shadrick.


The now-Ricoless 3 Minute Warning against Tommy Dreamer & ????.  And the partner -- is revealed -- as -- it’s Maven!  Oh my gosh, I don’t believe it.  This is truly shocking.  Maven and Jamal do stereo kip-ups, which is either pretty impressive or ruins the impressiveness of other kip-ups.  For the finish, Jamal takes his shirt off, which gets an anti-Jeff Hardy pop, and goes to the top rope, but gets crotched by Maven.  Dreamer DDTs him for the victory.  This is played up by the announcers as the biggest upset ever, I guess because Rosie and Jamal are so good.


Hunter will face Kevin Nash in the HELL in the CELL.  Instead of recycling the Bad Blood name, this show should be called “Bad Friends, Worse Enemies.” 


Theodore Long steals the microphone from Howard Finkel during ring introductions -- I smell TUXEDO MATCH.  Or hair vs. hair.


Here is a story that will change your life.  I was on an airplane three years ago, and my brother says to me “Hey, it’s Teddy Long.”  And I says to him, “No way, that’s *Theodore* R. Long.”  So Long turns to Steve Blackman and goes, “You hear that?  It’s *Theodore* R. Long!  Yeah!” I then hit Blackman with my suitcase, pinned him, and stole the hardcore title.  24-7 baby!


Christopher Nowinski beat Spike Dudley in the battle of the resistable force against the moveable object. 


What are limits?  What is desire?  Apparently, they are Gail Kim.


There are giant red balloons hanging from the ceiling representing blood drops here at Bad Blood 2003.  Gail Kim should hatch from one of them.  Wait wait wait no, it should fall on Nash to cost him the match like the New Blood from WCW.


The Dudleys walk backstage. D-Von runs into the Nation of Domination being all black and stuff.  Teddy Long wants him to join his people.  Nowinski asks, "Why is your BROTHER always ordering YOU to get the tables?"  Yeah really.  That reminds me of the Pro Wrestling Illustrated cover story : "The Inside Scoop On The Dudleys' Reunion: How Bubba Beat The Lord Out Of D-Von!"


Hurricane beat Michael Shane.  Shouldn't that be Michael Gregory?


We send it over to Terri, Stone Cold, Eric Bischoff, and a chainsaw to spin the wheel.   "Wow a ... burping contest.  Amazing." says Terri.  Austin hits on Terri because another blonde wrestling valet is just what his life needs.


Towel Venis beat Rosey.  Val: "Hello, ladies.  You know something, ladies.  The Big Valbowski is a lot like a large penis that has sex."  Jamal's termination was very upsetting to me, because it was only last month, out of dedication to this job, that I bothered to figure out which one was which.  It was always confusing because Rosey had the girl's name, but Jamal looked more like a girl.  Please don't kill me, Samoan mafia.


Molly Holly beat Trish Stratus.  This was another in what's turning into a long line of Fit Finlay specials.  Trish opens with a La Magistral cradle, and it wasn't one of those sloppy, girly, "hee hee hee, we're WRESTLING" cradles neither.  During a closeup of Molly strangling Trish in a chinlock, Coach said, "We've all had dreams about this."  Eww, Coach loves snuff porn.


Gail Kim video package.  They should bring her in as Lady Deathstrike from the X-Men movie.  I see it going something like this:

Gail Kim: [giant claws grow out of her fingernails]

Rabid Wolverine Chris Benoit: Holy shit.

Anna Paquin: Let's get married.

Me: Yes let's.


Lance Storm vs. Lance Cade, winner keeps the name Lance.  Cade brings his "I'm from Texas" offense of the lariat and bulldog, but Storm counters with his "I'm from Canada" offense of the sharpshooter to get the tapout.


Recap of Kane vs. Triple H from Monday.  Here's the unmasking, as Kane goes from Mil Mascaras to Mil ... mascara.  Ah ha.  Ah ha ha ha. 


Rodney Mack & Christopher Nowinski DQ Tommy Dreamer & Spike Dudley with special guest referee Charles Robinson.  ECW, ECW, ETC.  Let's pretend that Mack is New Jack and Nowinski is, ohh, Steve Corino. 


Tommy Dreamer vs. Rico (w/ Jackie Nolastname).  Al is disappointed with his pupil's decision to join up with a guy like Rico.  The story of the match is that Rico is totally gay, while Tommy is like, "Get off me, Gay Rico!"  For example, Rico molests Dreamer on a go-behind, or Rico jumps into Dreamer's arms and kisses him.  Dreamer hits the DDT and has this match won, but Jackie puts Rico's foot on the ropes.  Dreamer chases her into the ring and tries to DDT her, but that allows Rico to hit his lethal spinning martial arts kick type maneuever for the win.




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro

Best of July, August, September 2003

by Justin Shapiro


The Heat is on.


Tonight: The Dudley Boyz vs. the team of Rodney Mack and Rosey.  Oh I get.  As we all recall, the WWF has always held the island boys back.  Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, Afa and Sika, Samu, and the Tonga Kid ... they were ALL held back.  So you see, Rock, I RAN OVER STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, and -- err, nevermind.


So I sit down to write the Heat report, and my brother comes in, and he says "Do you have a dictionary I can borrow?" and I say "Sure," and I pick up a real heavy one off of the desk and toss it at him, and it hits him in the chest, and he goes "Ouch, right in the pectoral muscle .......... Talk about definition."


Recap of Gail Kim winning the battle royal and become WWE Women's Champion.  It's strange that after all that buildup as a ninja princess from the future, when she finally showed up, she was just like "hi! i'm asian! let's wrestle! :)"


SCOTT STEINER vs. RUFFY SILVERSTEIN.  Montreal is not soon to forget Freakzilla's impressive performance from February, as he gets audibly booed here by le fans.  Steiner whips him into the corner, but as Ruffy goes for that "I push myself up and you run under me" deal, he loses his balance and tumbles to the floor.  I think this was a LEGIT SHOOT gaffe but do not quote me on that.  You know, in the American Journal of Sunday Night Heat internet recaps.


TOMMY DREAMER vs. NICK DINSMORE.  Tommy wins with the Dead Spicolli Driver.


VAL VENIS vs. RICO GAY, DUH (w/ Jackie Gayda). I wonder what the OVW fans make of Rico now.  I guess it's no weirder than seeing other OVW stars get called up to become friends (Bashams), dominatrices (Linda Miles), religious (Batista), bland (John Cena), or jobbers (Dinsmore).*


* Notes from 2005: Or retarded!  He came back retarded!  Plus he was Doink for a week, also no surgeon of brains.


Rodney Mack is out, Teddyless.  And now he's got the mic, explaining that Theodore Long isn't here because whitey got ahold of him.  That's kind of vague.  Nevertheless, he vows to embarrass white boys for Teddy in absentia.


RODNEY MACK (w/o Theodore Long) vs. TOMMY DREAMER.  Coach describes Dreamer as "a man whose middle name is synonymous with violence, is synonymous with pain."  Al: "What's his middle name?"  Coach: "Uh ....... pain."


This commercial for Freddy vs. Jason stands in stark contrast to the Triple H vs. Goldberg match.  Now, I've never seen those movies (too scary!!!), but I think, without giving myself too much credit, that I've got the gist of them.  So just because New Line Cinemas, which made all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, is making this too, that doesn't mean they're going to have Freddy squash Jason right away to prove that he was better "all along."  No, of course not.  They realize they have the huge interpromotional money match, so to maximize it, they're going to put both guys over as legendary equals.  You just know that if New Line was WWE and they brought in Jason, they'd screw him up so bad.  They'd take off his mask (obviously), they'd have him do comedy instead of being a monster, and he'd lose to Freddy right away to pay his dues.  Conversely, if New Line brought in Goldberg to wrestle Freddy, without question, they'd feed him 176 teenagers to spear, jackhammer, and murder to get him over for the dream match.  Too easy.


TEST vs. VAL VENIS.  Does Val need a tan or is Test just really tan?  I can't tell.  I do know that after the sunburning disaster of 7/20, I'm sticking to Tan in a Can from here on out.  I don't care if I "can't do that" because it's "only for women" and I'm "being weird."


S.W.A.T. Swat of the Week: A-Train fattens Stephanie.  I mean flattens.


Nash's new 'do makes him look like a cross between the great and powerful Oz circa 1991 and the great and powerful Ted Danson circa Becker.  (Actually, when I was 10, I didn't even realize Oz and Vinnie Vegas were the same person.  They were just so different from one another, as Oz was from Oz, and Vinnie was from Vegas.)


MAVEN vs. STATIC.  Static has ... a unique look.  Like Jeff Hardy + Vampiro + Urine.


Let us take you back to RVD vs. Kane in a cage.  Video package makes the match look really good, as always.  RVD does not blade during the clips.  Golly, he was hacking himself apart.  This is going to sound sick and/or stupid and/or goth, but during the extremely bad Backlash '03 PPV, I got really bored and curious, and decided I was going to blade.  That's how bad that show was -- I turned to self-mutilation.  So anyway, first I took some aspirin.  Then I cut off part of a shaving razor, which is probably not sharp enough, and gave a short little jerk across my hairline (to hide scars!).  And then I puffed out my cheeks just like The Game himself.  I got like a teaspoon of blood, or should I say juice.  So not only did I not get good color, but red did not make green since I spent $30 on that PPV and all I got was a cut on my forehead.


Let us take you back to Shane in the hospital on Raw.  In order to make this second viewing a worthwhile experience, I've decided to transcribe the dialogue.  Let's pick up the action from when Kane enters.  "Oh my god! Oh my god! Ahhh! Security!" "How you feelin', Shane-o?  Not gonna be needing THIS anymore." "OW! Oh man." "Want some blood, huh? There's some blood for ya.  Now, Shane, we go for a little ride." "[cough] OW!" "Where's the seatbelt?" "Oh you [bleep]. [bleep]. Uhh. Oh man! Uhh." "Oh my god! Security! Security!" "Hey! Hey buddy! What're you--" "[scream]" "Ohh." "Get up, Shane. Hey. Get well soon." "Ohhhhh. [cough] [cough]"


My favorite part is "Oh man."


Another message from an American troop.  He professes his love for Lita.  Then plug the book, soldier!


RICO GAY, DUH (w/o Jackie Gayda) vs. ARCH KINCAID.  More like Arch KinGAYed once Rico gets through with him, am I right.




As a bonus, I also have Smackdown spoilers from this Tuesday.  This is the main event angle, which will air from 9:15-9:30 because of the big Mullets premiere.  A transcript:


TAZZ: Well. Here comes the pain.


[Brock Lesnar wheels Zach Gowen to the ring.]


[15 minutes later.]


BROCK: [starts to cut off Zach's head with a saw but is interrupted by "No Chance in Hell"]


MR. MCMAHON: Wait! Hey! What the -- wait just a damn minute! Hey pal. You can't just -- you can't just go around cutting people's heads off! Uh uh. Not on my show. That's just not right. This kid, Zach Gowen, you can't cut off his head. [evil Mr. McMahon smile because he's so diabolical] YOU GOTTA RIP IT OFF WITH YOUR BARE HANDS.


BROCK: [rips off Zach's head]


MR. MCMAHON: Ha ha ha!


BROCK: Ha ha.


MR. MCMAHON: Hey, uh, hey Zach.  I guess you could say that you don't have ... a HEAD to stand on. [walks around pretending to not have a head because he's so diabolical]


TAZZ: [somber] This is crossing the line, Cole.


BROCK: [rubs Zach's brains on his chest]


KURT ANGLE: You son of a bitch.


[fade out]




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro

Last of 2003: October, November, December - Fall Semester Highlights
Featuring early appearances by future embarrassments Daivari and Heidenreich
by Justin Shapiro
"Good God. It's just impossible to talk to you. I did it and you wish you could."
Oh man.
When I found out that Ole Anderson was going to be on Observer Live, I figured that Roddy Piper's WOL record for most awkward listening experience was in jeopardy.  Little did I know.  If Piper made for a couple of odd moments with hugs from Uncle Rod and whatnot, Ole took the show to a level of insanity that eclipsed even the time where Missy Hyatt revealed her plan to acquire Bret Hart's sperm. After twenty minutes of the calm before the storm, we were treated to one of the most uncomfortable hours of my life.
I think my favorite part was how Ole apparently thinks he is The Richest Man in the World while every active wrestler must be dirt poor.  Like, Ole is an affluent fat cat who spends his days sitting on large piles of money and, uh, yelling at people, whereas Hogan keeps coming back for Wrestlemania payoffs because he's flat broke and can't put food on the table for Brooke, let alone afford to send her to Diva College.
The only thing missing from the show was Bryan Alvarez doing the Lawler-Tazz/Piper-Muraco announcer spot.  Ole would be berating Dave-J.R.-Solie, "You should've been a booker. You know everything, don't you? You're just the smartest guy I ever talked to--" and then CHICO DECKS HIM TO A HUGE POP!
I've got chills.  Anyway, Heat was quite the show today.
SPIKE DUDLEY beat RICO (w/ Jackie Gay!!!da).  Al refuses to lust after his former student.  Coach doesn't.
TOMMY DREAMER (w/ cane) vs. SHEIK SHAWN DIVARI (w/ [magic?] carpet).  Divari kneels on his carpet and prays during his ring intro.  Oh my.  Announcers spend the match speculating about Shane McMahon's return to Raw.  Divari begs off and bows and prays to Tommy, but gets his fingers stomped on.  Eventually, Dreamer goes for the Death Valley Driver, but Sheik Shawn escapes and hits a DDT.  He picks up ... his carpet ... and goes to the top rope ... and rides the carpet ... with a flying body press.  For serious.  But Dreamer avoids it, then DDTs him on the carpet and tastes victory.  Divari covers himself with the carpet in shame, so Dreamer canes him.
Live from Baltimore, Md., Josh Matthews welcomes me to this "very special edition" of Sunday Night Heat.  He introduces his Afterburn cohost, Rue.  Who?  Ooh, it's a lady.  "So Rue.  What are you doing next Saturday night?" "Are you ASKING me OUT.  Ah ha ha?" As it turns out, next Saturday there will be a very special presentation of Heat at 7 pm.  Huh?  Josh wants to make popcorn and watch Heat.  Dude, what about your Velocity commitments.  Rue says she'll be watching Heat (sure you will), just not with him (aw naw).
PASSPORT TO PAIN! international tour footage.  Everybody they interview talks like a contestant on The Next Joe Millionaire.  Hee'z veelthy reech.
Are there any jokes about the Hunter and Stephanie wedding that haven't been made yet?  Why hasn't anyone said that Shawn Michaels was the minister?  And that in a shocking moment, he took his face off and was revealed to be Bischoff?  (Also, when is Rod McMahon coming to TV?  That guy sounds like a hoot.)  But what I want to know is if Hunter and Steph are going to pull the Savage/Liz reunion at Mania.  If they do, I certainly promise to cry.
VAL VENIS vs. SEAN EVANS.  Val with lots of kicks to Sean's leg, setting up the reverse figure-four thing and ohh there it is.  If they don't name it shortly I am going to be forced to call it the Spermatozoa or Nagatacock or something like that.  I won't want to, but I'll have to.
Let us take you back to Shane-o challenging Kane-o to an Ambulance Match.  Now, being tossed into a pit of merciless flame didn't stop Kane, but getting locked inside an ambulance will surely make him learn his lesson.
Let us take you back to Jericho, Van Dam, and the unforgiving steel cage.  By my quick count, was this a) Van Dam's fifth IC title, b) Jericho's sixth, c) the seventh and eight time the two have fought on Raw since August 2002, d) all of the above?
We take a look at the ominous/lifesaving Ambulance.  Now, we show the trailer for the movie "SURVIVE" -- actually no, it's just the PPV-opening video package.  I want to see a movie where Mr. McMahon is like that guy in The Matrix who turned everybody into himself, and then Steve Austin has to fight a million Vinces, and he gives one the Stunner and they all fly up into the air.  Yeah.  WWE Films, where you at?
Still photos from the Ambulance Match at Survivor Series.  Still photo of me flipping them off.  Shane needs to bring the creativity back to his match jerseys, like "BIG RED MA-SHANE."  Or if it said "KANE," he could add the word "SUCKS."  Something like that.
Let us Take you Back to: Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus defeating Rico Costantino and Jackie Gayda.  Jericho is an awesome babyface, by the by.  Later, Trish overhears Jericho and Christian and discovers that that's all she is, a bet, a f{STUPID} BET?!?!?  Christian's assertion that Trish is locked at the knees while Lita is a wild girl is problematic.  To wit: Trish has had relations with Vince, possibly Jeff Hardy, possibly Albert, possibly Test, not Val Venis since they only had a business relationship, and made out with the Rock.  Lita, on the other hand, has only done it (Team Extreme style) with Matt Hardy, maybe Essa Rios, and flat out rejected Dean Malenko.
My longtime personal friend thejediwrestler@email.provider wrote me an e-mail that said I forgot Danny Doring as part of Lita's sexual history*, but my opinion is that since he predates the Lita character, if I mentioned him, I'd have to consider, I dunno, Jeff Marek on Trish's list.
* Notes from 2005: Haha hey I heard Lita had an affair in 2005 haha hey!
WWE Rewind: Mick Foley counts RVD's pin on Randy Orton two weeks ago.  Orton should take credit for ending the career of Legendary Despot Saddam Hussein.
(BIG) (BAD) JON HEIDENREICH vs. "from somewhere in Latin America," EL CONQUISTADOR
Oh my, we haven't seen *him* since Vengeance.  Heidenreich has "just been decimating the competition" since he came to WWE.  Squish squash I was taken a bawth.
Something terrible has happened to Al Snow's hair.  Like Rogue from X-Men's hair had sex with a skunk's hair and the skunk's hair got pregnant and its baby was Al's hair. 
What an interesting dichotomy of gay guy vs. retarded guy.  But who would win in a shoot?  Evidently, gay guy would win in a work.  Stevie is avenged.
RENE DUPREE beat HURRICANE. Announcers discuss Batista calling Austin a coward.  Maybe Batista can feud with the Dudleys and say that the Reverend D-Von sexually abused him.  Yeah, maybe.
ROSEY beat ROB CONWAY.  Rosey evens the score! The French flagpole gets snapped and the U.S. flag is raised to celebrate the capture of French dictator Saddam Hussein.  Well this calls for the rubber match: Sylvain Grenier vs. Jamal!  Book it!  It's on!  Who's coming with me!


My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


Send Feedback to Justin Shapiro



Best of January 2004

by Justin Shapiro


Big daddio did it!!! A huge congratulations to Sunday Night Heat for only finishing second in the 2003 Observer Awards for Worst TV Show. There's so many people who need to be thanked: Heat General Manager Steven Richards.  Victoria.  Jonathan Coachman.  Al Snow.  N. Khan.  Arch Kincaid.  George Oscar Bluth II. And, of course, God.


To celebrate, I wrote lyrics to the Heat theme:

"Heeeeeeat, Coach and Al /

Heeeeeeat, Coach and Al /

Heeeeeeat, Coach and Al /

Heat.  Heat.  Heat."


Al Snow wishes us Feliz Año Nuevo, which is Spanish for Happy New Year.  Not to be confused with Feliz Ano Nuevo, which is Spanish for Happy New Anus.


VAL VENIS and LANCE STORM (w/ ho train) vs. LA RESISTANCE (w/ flag)

Shots of ladies in audience cheering for the sexy dudes.  Coach instructs the cameramen, "Find the hot chicks! We do not let ugly chicks on Heat!"  Harsh.  "USA" chant for ... Conway?  Storm flips out of a Conway backdrop and lands on his feet, but Dupree grabs his leg, allowing Conway to DDT him and win this match.

WWE Originals.  Dudleys singing argh.


They had a real missed opportunity on Raw with the pro and con Stone Cold testimonies by Linda and Vince.  This was the perfect chance to do the Andrea Dorian episode of Seinfeld where George meets with the board of directors to sway them with the astonishing tales of Costanza.  They should've shown Vince talking about Bang 3:16 and the bedpan and pouring cement in his car.  "In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment.  They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life, in dealing with a foul-mouthed, beer-drinking, finger-gesturing, hell-raising Rattlesnake."


Tomorrow: Mark Henry's Survivor Series Favor.  Really?  That's the big tease for Raw?  What could Mark Henry's big reward be?  I dunno, like, a really big ... sandwich?  To be bent in half and then eaten?


WWE Originals.  Trish singing argh.


Man.  I saw the ESPN.com headline "Angels, Guerrero agree to deal" and I was like, "Oh wow, what is this all about?  The signing of a big Kurt/Eddie match for Wrestlemania?  Perhaps the formation of an incredible tag-team alliance?"  But then it was just about baseball.


GARRISON CADE and MARK JINDRAK (w/ pretty new haircut) vs. MATT CAPPOTELLI (w/ doo rag) and JOHN HENNIGAN (w/ long hair)

Matt and John run out with the "oh yeah, get pumped up" babyface gestures.  Tag to Matt, double whip, double hiptoss, double kip-up, double weird-ass hand gestures.  Coach: "What the hell was that?"  Al: "I didn't teach that.  Maybe Bill DeMott did."  Alas, while the ref is returning Matt to his corner, Jindrak catches John, in mid-air mind you, and Cade guillotines him over the top rope - 123.  I'm sorry, you're cut.  BURP.  Diva.


DVD extra - stuff that I wish happened in this match but didn't:
1) Bob Holly showed up to kick Matt in the face again and be in a spot he actually deserves.

2) Matt cried.
3) Heat GM Steven Richards came out and fired John for stealing his look.

4) Taylor Matheny showed up to emotionally declare her feelings for me.


Non-Title Match: NEW HARDCORE LEGEND RANDY ORTON (w/ IC belt) vs. VAL VENIS (w/ you see towel)

Coach: "I'm begging the director to stop showing ugly girls."  Dude, be nice.  Val with the series of running knees to congratulate Kobashi for likely winning Wrestler of the Year, followed by an octopus hold to congratulate the ocean for being so magnificent.  Val to the top rope, Orton punches, superplex is pushed off, Money Shot hits the knees!  RKO!  123!


WWE Originals.  Booker singing argh.


Royal Rumble Qualifying Match: RICO (w/ Miss Jackie) vs. TOMMY DREAMER (w/ cane)

Double leg takedown and Rico rides Dreamer like a horse. Yeehaw. Jackie grabs Tommy's cane and he pulls it and her into the ring, allowing Rico to do some crazy move where he pulls Dreamer down backwards onto his knees. "I am having intercourse with you" pin gets 2. Announcers think that the Rumble being in Dreamer's backyard of Philadelphia could improve his chances of winning. Maybe. Rico goes for a double ax off the top but Dreamer double sledges his face. Jackie puts his foot on the rope and gets yanked to the apron, Rico/Jackie collision is avoided, but Rico puts his head down for a backdrop and gets caught in a DDT. Miraculously, he telekinetically wills Dreamer back into the ropes, where Jackie canes him and Rico hits his lethal spinning martial arts kick-type maneuver to win and advance to the Rumble. Good luck, Rico!


Hey, I've got a project for John Henson. Suicide.


RUMBLErumbleRUMBLErumbleRUMBLErumble.  Oh, excuse me.  I was just singing Earthquake's music.  But tonight it's also the Roooooooyal Rumble. We are joined by Josh and Rue.  She's cute, I suppose.  She's a cutie.  She's a little cutie pie.  They hit the video package for Los Guerreros Guerreados.


Michael Cole stands with Eddie Guerrero.  He's had a hard time controlling his temper but he's going to prove he's the better man and better wrestler, *then* kick his butt.  SU ANO, vato!


WWE Originals release party.  Trish says it was cool for the CD to drop -- don't say "drop."


Funaki stands outside the drawing room with Kurt Angle.  He explains his eye injury on Thursday: he was poked in the eye, and couldn't see for a while.  I figured as much.


Wrestlemania Recall: Andre the Giant bodyslams (Big) John Studd.  There needs to be more bodyslam challenges.


Back to Josh Matthews and Rue "DE BONA"??? Are you kidding me?  Wow.  They speculate on the Rumble favorites -- Rue considers a returning Billy Gunn in an upset.  Yeah, maybe he'll hit the ring and lay out everyone with Fame-assers.*

* Notes from 2005: The joke therein is that, absurdly enough, he did.


Back to Al and Coach and the HHH/HBK LMS video package.  Finally, a climactic battle and decisive finish to their 7 year history!  Though now the blowoff can be a bodyslam challenge.  Actually, I think instead of a finish, the Shawn/Hunter blowoff would just end with both guys simultaneously ascending to heaven while the DX music played.

Josh, Rue DE BONA!!!!!!, Al, and Coach run down the matches again.  Every time I see the big Rumble graphic, I think Time Traveling Jeff Hardy From The Past is in the match, but inevitably it's always merely Charlie Haas.

YJ Stinger: Bret Hart and Lex Luger tie in the 1994 Rumble.  And now they're both divorced.  Coincidence?


Special video look as Steve Austin went to London for a book signing.  Coincidentally, at the same time, Paul London went to Austin for assigned booking.



Inbox Mailbag (The Other Squared Circle): "Justin, I enjoyed your phat new composition from last week, the lyrics to the Heat theme.  Have you written any other songs?"


Well, I'm glad you asked, fake person.  Here's a little number I wrote about Smackdown superstar Nidia and her recent troubles.  It goes to the tune of the Bob Dylan masterpiece "Blind Willie McTell," except instead of the real words, it has words about wrestling!  Orginal lyrics here, copyright © 1983 Special Rider Music.


by Justin Shapiro


Seen the arrow on the ringpost

Saying, "This brand is condemned

All the way from Funaki

To Shelton Benjamin."

I traveled through East Texas

For the Survivor Series card

And I know no one has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard


Well, I heard John Cena rapping

As they were main eventing Vince

The Nielsens in the barren 3s

Were their only audience

And charcoal gypsy Mavens

Can cut their foreheads scarred

But nobody has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard


Heard that Triple H was turning

Seen the backing out of stips

Enjoyed the sweet push for Matt Bloom and

Seen the most of Sable and Trish

In angles with Vince, boning

Near the Undertaker's yard

But nobody has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard


There's a Heyman by the writers

With Stone Cold Steve Austin there

He's dressed up like a sheriff

Bootlegged whiskey with his beer

There's a chain match at No Mercy

I can hear Tazz sell it hard

And I know no one has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard


Well, Shawn is in heaven

And we all want what's his

But Stephanie, Shane, and Taker vs. Kane

Seem to be all that there is

I'm gazing out the window

Of B.G. James' car

And I know no one has paid their dues

Like Blind Nidia Guenard


::ominous piano fadeout::




My name is Justin Shapiro, I am the WWF Champion, and I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I earned a Master's Degree in Literary and Cultural Studies from Carnegie Mellon University, which I have parlayed into a cushy position as the WWE Sunday Night Heat co-reporter, non-Australian version, 2003-2005, at WrestlingObserver.com.  I collect My Little Ponies.  My favorite food is banana pudding.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).