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By Sean Carless
(0riginally posted in January 2004)

We'll BEND OVER BACKWARDS to please our customers! Or any other position you'd prefer. We're flexible! (Hopefully, you are as well).

Keep your "Faarooq" safe from disease with the brand new APA Protection Condoms! Guaranteed to protect you from everything, but Bradshaw himself! APA Condoms are made of from an impenetrable synthetic material (much like the divas) and are GUARANTEED to last as long as you do in the showers when you cop an "attitude".

Order now, and you''l get a complimentary roll of DUCT TAPE, a Blindfold, and fifteen feet of rope!

Bradshaw Testimonial:"Just because you sexual assault rookies with no caring for their physical and mental well-being, doesn't mean you shouldn't be responsible about it. Daggoneit. I mean, come on. That's just plain common sense. You never know where that disgusting Billy Silverman may have been!"

Faarooq Testimonial: " DAMN!" (he then started crying immediately after, blubbering something about "I have so much more to offer...why won't anyone ever listen.)." 

$5.99 per box. Plus more to keep your indiscretions quiet.



For those times when you stink up more than the ring!

He's Mark Henry, He's the World's Strongest man... but now he doesn't have to be! Go ahead and roll on some Stank today and make a big splash with the ladies! (literally, he only knows that, and maybe a bearhug).

$ 4.99 or best offer; Deodorant guaranteed to last maybe a stretch of 3 to 4 months before disintegrating. You know, much like Mark Henry himself.


Stainless steel and durable, and GUARANTEED to outlive the Hot Rod himself!

Roddy Piper says :"The spoons even heat up to like 350 degrees, no problem! You gonna finish that?"

Whether it be copious amounts food consumed to keep up the strange swollen pregnant-like torso you've given birth to literally out of nowhere, or you just have the SICKNESS and require a knife that can easily cut through congealed rock cocaine, these utensils are ideal for all situations! Even cutting through COCONUTS, in the event you wish to save a piece for later after culturally humiliating a proud man from the Islands!

Just $29.99! And if you act now, Roddy will even throw in a complimentary Skillet* for those lonely nights on the road.

*Crack sold separately.

* Not the hands of The Big Show.



Introducing from the Rob Van Dam hydroponic collection, the brand new Rob Van Dam Flower Pot! Because, who knows more about pot then R-V-D?

RVD says: " Duuuuude, just because you're like totally wasted, doesn't mean your flowers have to be. Now, be a bud, heh-heh, BUD , and pass me those Cheetoes , would ya..."

Act now, and Rob will throw in a half-eaten tube of raw cookie dough, completely FREE. $4.20 plus S & H.


Introducing the first line of HHH gardening instruments!It does the JOB so you don't have to!

Each shovel is forged from stainless steel and the broken spirits of the mid-card, and can carry up to 100 pounds of top soil in one scoop! Or just enough to make sure Booker T is no longer credible as a main eventer. Ahem.

 So, if time is an issue, as you've just literally flown into a PPV to win the World Title despite not being on TV for 2 months because you filmed Blade Trinity, this is definitely the all-purpose tool for you. And who knows more about TOOLS then The Game? He did after all date a woman of questionable gender for 3 years. The choice is obvious! Unless that choice is umm, "Maybe we need new blood in the main event". You shouldn't listen to that. Trust us.

Triple H Testimonial: "People always ask me how I bury so easily* and efficiently...well, now you know!"

*Not related to fucking the boss's daughter one iota. Nope.

$100.00 plus S & H;

Coming soon: Triple H glass ceiling! Made from unbreakable glass that's been extensively pressure tested on Rob Van Dam, Booker T & Chris Jericho! Quality guaranteed, or no money back. (Because if someone else was on top, dear god, can you imagine? We'd probably go bankrupt!).



Introducing the brand new TRISH STRATUS BRAND BOX OF KLEENEX! Easy clean up, for those hard to explain situations! And let's face it, it's just about as close as your fat ass will ever come to her "box".

Trish Stratus says: "Just because I get Raw on Monday Nights doesn't mean you should too."

100 % Stratusfaction guaranteed. Chafing too. $3.99.



You'll be a hit with the ladies when they see you in the shirt Stone Cold swears by! (frequently!). Each Steve Austin Wifebeater is made from 100% whoop ass (or cotton to people who don't have 6 first names) and are STAIN RESISTANT. That's right, whether it be blood from showin' your old lady what for, or just debris from that strange mud-hole you're always stomping than subsequently walking dry, the Stone Cold Wifeabeater stands up to everything. Especially annoying blond harpies!

Stone Cold says: "The women-folk will done think you're a knock-out...or WISH they had!"

$19.99* or best offer;

*all profits go to the Williams defense fund.

I'm Sean.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).