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by Marx Rayner
From The Prudential Center - Newark, NJ
October 4, 2009

Marx: Hello again, troglodytes, and welcome to Rayn Per View. It's our fourth installment of previewing the latest half-baked offering from WWE. I'm Marx Ra--

Morgan: Hi guys! it's Morgan!

Marx: .....I can't even finish my name?

Morgan: No one really cares about you anymore. I'm pretty sure they read these previews for me.

Marx: Hey, if I didn't let you on board, you wouldn't get all those horny e-mails from those bony virgins who want to titty-fuck you until they erode your knockers down to milky pulps!

Morgan: That's nasty... And how the hell did you know that?

Marx: That's how you met Keith, right?

Morgan: No, Keith and I met at my job, something you can't ever seem to keep. And since you love Keith so much, guess what? He's coming with us to Hell In A Cell!


Morgan: It's not too you, dumbass. It's for me, He wants me to share something I love with him.

Marx: What if I want to bring my date?


Marx: Alright, enough wasting time. Guess I'll have to tell Stephania no this time around. Onto the first match, which is....


Marx: Ugh, must we? It's Mickie vs. their little flavors of the month with no discernable talent. I don't know which one Alicia is. Is the spanish chick with the twin sister?

Morgan: Umm, Alicia is the pretty black chick with the cool finisher.

Marx: I thought the black chick was Tiffany?

Morgan: No, that's-- Never mind. Mickie is like the female Cena. She's cute, she's athletic, and everyone loves her!

Marx: Yeah, but I don't want to bend Cena over the couch arm rest and fuck her until she sees spots

Morgan: Yeah, you leave that sort of love to other wrestlers. The kind who happen to be blond, Canadian, and chubby...

Marx: First of all, Owen Hart was never chubby....

Morgan: I meant Jericho, but whatever. This match, I think, is going to be pretty good. Mickie has some solid skills, which she's shown us through the years, and Alicia very athletic and has some eye catching moves not every Diva can execute.

Marx: I predict this Alicia thing wins because I love Mickie and Vince punishes me for being right.

Morgan: I second that, only because I think they're trying to push new talent. I mean, how many times can Mickie have the belt, right?

Marx: She can have my belt.

Morgan: And she could bungee off the Empire State Building with it.

Marx: Something's got to hold back my triple decker cock. And speaking of triples, it's our segue to....


Marx: That's nice. No storyline for three decent wrestlers. Just a mish mash to give them air time. That'll give em credibility.

Morgan: But it's for the belt. Isn't that enough incentive?

Marx: I remember when the US Title meant something. When Barry Windham and Lex Luger and Stan Hansen and Rick Rude and Sting all competed for it. Now it's a prop designed to give held-back talents some cred. Ooooh, he has a belt! but who cares when it's not defended meaningfully? I'd rather see Chris Benoit's ashes compete over the belt than these gimmicked turds!

Morgan: *gasp* .... you can't say Benoit...

Marx: Do we ignore all murderers then? Kelly Kelly kills brain cells. Michael Cole kills patience.
Triple H kills pushes. Matt Hardy kills bags of Doritos. Do we ignore THEM?

Morgan: But they don't kill people...

Marx: Because they don't have the guts. Kofi, Swagger and Miz all try hard, I know, but they're just caricatures. They're nothing and they're nobodies. I am firm in this belief.

Morgan: They try and are succeeding in my book. Kofi's uber over with the crowd while Miz and Swagger get so much heat it's crazy. Not to mention that all three of them have different, yet effective, wrestling styles.

Marx: Why is each style boring then?

Morgan: They aren't.

Marx: Overstuffed sheep....

Morgan: You'll never be content with anything because you're a perpetually miserable douchebag. If you just tried to see the good in things you wouldn't be such a pain in the ass, and you might start enjoying life, you know.

Marx: I'll start enjoying life when I finish this fucking preview, you Clearasil-scented twat-wipe. I pick Kofi, because Vince loves his smiling minorities. They're good for Linda's campaign.

Morgan: I'll choose Miz, just cause I know you hate him.

Marx: Actually, I like Miz. He was right about Cena. And that brings us to his partner, as we have....


Marx: Hooray. More WWE-created workers designed to validate Vince's developmental system. It almost works too!

Morgan: I loved JoMo on "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader"!

Marx: Here's a game show idea. It's called "Do you know more about wrestling and puro than
Marx?". Every week, I crush everyone beneath my vast knowledge.

Morgan: No one cares, Marx. Only fat assholes with no future devote their lives to putting down a business they love to hate. So all that knowledge means nothing when you can't even enjoy it.

Marx: I'm sure philosophers hated people, yet they studied them because the stupidity fascinated them. And wrestling fascinates me because of stupid shit like Morrison calling Dolph "Mr. Ziggles" as a perjorative. Speaking of 'fascinate', your name was in the dictionary in the sample sentence for that word.

Morgan: Go drown, Marx.

Marx: You couldn't drown, which was implied by the sample sentence of "Morgan's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only 'fascinate'." Heh, get it? Hey, why don't you reveal your cup size so the drooling morons can e-mail you more?

Morgan: Hey, why don't you tell people how long it's been since you've seen your dick so they can pity and laugh at you some more?

Marx: I saw it three hours ago when I pissed greatness, shirt-stretcher.

Morgan: I love how you resort to tit jokes. Maybe you should stop thinking about your sister's boobs so much, and focus and getting those pit stains out of all your clothes. Aren't we supposed to be talking about the match? Anyway, JoMo and Dolph and both great, but i can't help rooting for Morrison, he's pretty...

Marx: Pretty lame for a babyface, I know. I'll bet Dolph wins, since 'JoMo' is just transitioning it anyway.

Morgan: As much as I agree with you, I can't root against Morrison. I like him too much.

Marx: Alright, enough of your crushes. Time for a man crush! It's....


Marx: JERICHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morgan: That's obnoxious.

Marx: Chris Jericho is a man's man. He's single handedly carrying Raw AND Smackdown.

Morgan: Big Show's carrying the team, though.

Marx: .......

Morgan: All of their pinfalls have been on account of Show.


Morgan: So? What matters are wins and how that win is achieved.

Marx: It's scripted! What matters is who carries the flow of the match, how they worked the crowd, and if they wrestled in Japan or ROH or not!

Morgan: Only smarks care about that crap. And smarks, don't spend money on the product, therefore, your input means jack squat to Vince and creative, and by proxy, actual fans.

Marx: Yeah, like Vince is going to take stock in what you idiots have to say. He knows deep down that by us not paying for any of the shows or merchandise, we're sending a message about our displeasure. And where's Jericho's DVD?

Morgan: Exactly.

Marx: Why does fucking Batista get one?

Morgan: Cause fans who PAY for PPV's, merch, and sit through the programs like him.

Marx: I don't get it. I DO get that JeriShow retains, because Jericho makes it worthwhile.

Morgan: Batista is a singles competitor, so I doubt Rey and him will get the belts.

Marx: I'd be content if Batista remained in singles, or just simply rolled over and died. Speaking of things that won't die, let's get into the overkill of gimmick matches, as well as unending feuds. First we have....


Marx: As pleasantly surprised as I am to see Rhodes and Dibiase get the win last month, now the doomsaying comes. DX will get their win back because they have a book to promote. It's as predictable as the McDonalds Dollar Menu.

Morgan: Cause you know that menu like the back of your hand.

Marx: Because it's good for my health, unlike DX's lame skits and Shawn's overacting. You just know he plays dumb to make Hunter look like the "smart" one.

Morgan: I think they're both funny, and you can't tell me Shawn isn't one of the best wrestlers of all time. His personality has nothing to do with his ability, and that goes for Trips as well.

Marx: Shawn is a puppet now. He's buffooned himself for the greater good of his untalented best friend. His pantlegs are wider now so Hunter can easily get his hand up their to move Shawn's lips to his liking.

Morgan: Talent > whatever crap you're talking about.

Marx: Are you fucking blind? Or do you not remember when Shawn was his own man? Before Hunter and Jesus took control. And by Jesus, I'm not referring to Kenta Kobashi.

Morgan: I wish you'd stop talking about Japanese wrestlers that no one knows/cares about.

Marx: The only Japanese wrestler you like is Funaki!

Morgan: And Yoshi!

Marx: Look, Rhodes and Dibiase should win this feud. They're younger, more talented, have brighter futures, and are fresh. Especially when compared to Degenerated Necks.

Morgan: But you're against pushing new talent. You're such a hyporcrite. Like... Shawn Michaels! *dorky laugh*

Marx: Your Jericho impression sucks.

Morgan: It sucks, just like his entire persona.

Marx: I'd backhand you, but that's just as predictable as DX.

Morgan: DX for the win!

Marx: I pick Legacy, just out of spite. C'mon Vince, do the right thing!

Morgan: We already went over this: You pay for nothing, therefore, your opinion means nothing.

Marx: Oh yeah? Who got you the gift card to Best Buy for your birthday in January? Huh? Answer that one!

Morgan: Keith.

Marx: You didn't even KNOW Keith in January, you clit-flicking cum-bather! I did! Because I'm your brother and sometimes I do things to make you happy, even though you're a bigger fuck-up than the movie North!

Morgan: Whatever. I meant pay for WWE stuff...

Marx: Ohh, no good comeback, huh? You can't even admit it when I do something right! People know who you are because of my writing, and you want to pretend I'm just a big nobody! Is that it?

Morgan: Yeah.

Marx: Maybe since I'm driving Sunday, I'll get lost on the way there. That might happen, yep.

Morgan: Keith is driving me. You're going by yourself. Cause no one loves you...

Marx: Well, do you know who *I* love? CM Punk! And that reminds me of the next match....


Marx: Will you cheer when Jeff Hardy has his mat---ooooh, right! He's unemployed and going to jail! I totally forgot!

Morgan: That's not funny!

Marx: It's not. CM Punk didn't think it was funny. He was absolutely right about Jeff being a paint-splattered junkie with no hope for survival outside of his addictions. He's going to jail, and I hope it's at Sing Sing so he can get raped by Uncle Clyde!

Morgan: We should stay on topic...

Marx: Good idea. This match features CM Punk, who was right about Jeff Hardy being a jun--


Marx: ....kie

Morgan: ...

Marx: .....wow

Morgan: I like Taker...

Marx: Yeah, I....I like Punk and....I feel Taker will lose....because um....the inj.....injuries will keep him from uhhh.....being in the main event long--I can't ignore what you just said.

Morgan: I didn't say anything. *shifty eyes*

Marx: I'll bet you did.

Morgan: Well, Marx, you just make me so angry sometimes.

Marx: Jeff Hardy probably likes being raped by big gu--


Marx: And that's why I pick Punk to win!

Morgan:... I think Punk will retain.

Marx: You ok? Need some Midol?

Morgan: I'm not on my period, cum-bucket.

Marx: You never know. That'd still be more blood than you're going to see Sunday. And speaking of disappointing, let's end this preview with the feud that, well, NEVER ends in....


Morgan: CENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marx: Oh lord, kill me now.

Morgan: Cena totally has to win!

Marx: Do you have any evidence to back up your assertion, or is it based on your undying faith
toward SuperCena?

Morgan: He always wins...

Marx: Yeah, and that's the problem. He has no kryptonite! He has no weakness that allows for the fans to get behind him other than the hackneyed "it's six-on-one" and it's so unrealistic when the guy overcoming the odds is poop-obsessed dork! Orton can get heat by being a slimy creep, but instead he's jobbed out as being weak in comparison.

Morgan: Cena wins all the time because he's a good role-model and we buy his merchendise...
and he's really really hot.

Marx: CM Punk, HE'S a role model. No drugs, likes soda, works hard. All Cena does is play everyone's uncool friend, and we HATE that friend.

Morgan: But Punk is an arrogant jack-ass. He shouldn't talk down to people. Cena accepts his fans for who they are. That's likeable quality.

Marx: If you tried to get a hug from Cena, he'd laugh and walk away. I'll bet he looks down on you all for being fat and obnoxious, but enjoys taking your money.

Morgan: These girls on my Cena forum met him and they said he was wonderful! And im going to believe them over you because they don't say mean things about everyone.

Marx: You'd sooner get a Cleveland Steamer from Orton than you'd get a hug from Cena.

Morgan: What is that? Some sort of vacuum?

Marx: Yeah, Orton's going to get the Jeff Hardy paint remanants out from under your scalp. Let's
just end this. Cena wins to piss me off.

Morgan: Cena wins to make me happy.

Marx: As expected. Alright, I've had enough. That's another edition of Rayn-Per-View. I'm Marx Rayner.

Morgan: And I'm his sweet sister, Morgan.

Marx: We'll try and do better the next time. I need a fucking nap.

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you. Marx can also be found at http://twitter.com/marxrayner, where he continues to stand behind his pulpit, expounding wrestling truth. Also, the pulpit helps him keep his balance.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).