WWE HELL IN A CELL
From The Prudential Center - Newark, NJ
Marx: Hello again,
troglodytes, and welcome to Rayn Per View. It's our
fourth installment of previewing the latest
half-baked offering from WWE. I'm Marx Ra--
Morgan: Hi guys!
Marx: .....I can't
even finish my name?
Morgan: No one
really cares about you anymore. I'm pretty sure they
read these previews for me.
Marx: Hey, if I
didn't let you on board, you wouldn't get all those
horny e-mails from those bony virgins who want to
titty-fuck you until they erode your knockers down
to milky pulps!
nasty... And how the hell did you know that?
Marx: That's how
you met Keith, right?
Morgan: No, Keith
and I met at my job, something you can't ever seem
to keep. And since you love Keith so much, guess
what? He's coming with us to Hell In A Cell!
Marx: WHAT?!?! WHY
WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?
Morgan: It's not
too you, dumbass. It's for me, He wants me to share
something I love with him.
Marx: What if I
want to bring my date?
enough wasting time. Guess I'll have to tell
Stephania no this time around. Onto the first match,
WWE DIVAS TITLE -
MICKIE JAMES (C) VS. ALICIA FOX
Marx: Ugh, must we?
It's Mickie vs. their little flavors of the month
with no discernable talent. I don't know which one
Alicia is. Is the spanish chick with the twin
Morgan: Umm, Alicia
is the pretty black chick with the cool finisher.
Marx: I thought the
black chick was Tiffany?
that's-- Never mind. Mickie is like the female Cena.
She's cute, she's athletic, and everyone loves her!
Marx: Yeah, but I
don't want to bend Cena over the couch arm rest and
fuck her until she sees spots
Morgan: Yeah, you
leave that sort of love to other wrestlers. The kind
who happen to be blond, Canadian, and chubby...
Marx: First of all,
Owen Hart was never chubby....
Morgan: I meant
Jericho, but whatever. This match, I think, is going
to be pretty good. Mickie has some solid skills,
which she's shown us through the years, and Alicia
very athletic and has some eye catching moves not
every Diva can execute.
Marx: I predict
this Alicia thing wins because I love Mickie and
Vince punishes me for being right.
Morgan: I second
that, only because I think they're trying to push
new talent. I mean, how many times can Mickie have
the belt, right?
Marx: She can have
Morgan: And she
could bungee off the Empire State Building with it.
got to hold back my triple decker cock. And speaking
of triples, it's our segue to....
WWE UNITED STATES
TITLE - KOFI KINGSTON (C) VS. JACK SWAGGER VS. THE
Marx: That's nice.
No storyline for three decent wrestlers. Just a mish
mash to give them air time. That'll give em
Morgan: But it's
for the belt. Isn't that enough incentive?
Marx: I remember
when the US Title meant something. When Barry
Windham and Lex Luger and Stan Hansen and Rick Rude
and Sting all competed for it. Now it's a prop
designed to give held-back talents some cred. Ooooh,
he has a belt! but who cares when it's not defended
meaningfully? I'd rather see Chris Benoit's ashes
compete over the belt than these gimmicked turds!
Morgan: *gasp* ....
you can't say Benoit...
Marx: Do we ignore
all murderers then? Kelly Kelly kills brain cells.
Michael Cole kills patience.
Triple H kills
pushes. Matt Hardy kills bags of Doritos. Do we
Morgan: But they
don't kill people...
Marx: Because they
don't have the guts. Kofi, Swagger and Miz all try
hard, I know, but they're just caricatures. They're
nothing and they're nobodies. I am firm in this
Morgan: They try
and are succeeding in my book. Kofi's uber over with
the crowd while Miz and Swagger get so much heat
it's crazy. Not to mention that all three of them
have different, yet effective, wrestling styles.
Marx: Why is each
style boring then?
never be content with anything because you're a
perpetually miserable douchebag. If you just tried
to see the good in things you wouldn't be such a
pain in the ass, and you might start enjoying life,
Marx: I'll start
enjoying life when I finish this fucking preview,
you Clearasil-scented twat-wipe. I pick Kofi,
because Vince loves his smiling minorities. They're
good for Linda's campaign.
Morgan: I'll choose
Miz, just cause I know you hate him.
Marx: Actually, I
like Miz. He was right about Cena. And that brings
us to his partner, as we have....
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE - JOHN MORRISON (C) VS. DOLPH
Marx: Hooray. More
WWE-created workers designed to validate Vince's
developmental system. It almost works too!
Morgan: I loved
JoMo on "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader"!
Marx: Here's a game
show idea. It's called "Do you know more about
wrestling and puro than
Marx?". Every week, I
crush everyone beneath my vast knowledge.
Morgan: No one
cares, Marx. Only fat assholes with no future devote
their lives to putting down a business they love to
hate. So all that knowledge means nothing when you
can't even enjoy it.
Marx: I'm sure
philosophers hated people, yet they studied them
because the stupidity fascinated them. And wrestling
fascinates me because of stupid shit like Morrison
calling Dolph "Mr. Ziggles" as a perjorative.
Speaking of 'fascinate', your name was in the
dictionary in the sample sentence for that word.
Morgan: Go drown,
Marx: You couldn't
drown, which was implied by the sample sentence of
"Morgan's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so
big, she can only 'fascinate'." Heh, get it? Hey,
why don't you reveal your cup size so the drooling
morons can e-mail you more?
Morgan: Hey, why
don't you tell people how long it's been since
you've seen your dick so they can pity and laugh at
you some more?
Marx: I saw it
three hours ago when I pissed greatness,
Morgan: I love how
you resort to tit jokes. Maybe you should stop
thinking about your sister's boobs so much, and
focus and getting those pit stains out of all your
clothes. Aren't we supposed to be talking about the
match? Anyway, JoMo and Dolph and both great, but i
can't help rooting for Morrison, he's pretty...
Marx: Pretty lame
for a babyface, I know. I'll bet Dolph wins, since
'JoMo' is just transitioning it anyway.
Morgan: As much as
I agree with you, I can't root against Morrison. I
like him too much.
enough of your crushes. Time for a man crush!
WWE UNIFIED TAG
TEAM TITLES - CHRIS JERICHO AND BIG SHOW (C) VS.
BATISTA AND REY MYSTERIO
Marx: Chris Jericho
is a man's man. He's single handedly carrying Raw
Morgan: Big Show's
carrying the team, though.
Morgan: All of
their pinfalls have been on account of Show.
Morgan: So? What
matters are wins and how that win is achieved.
scripted! What matters is who carries the flow of
the match, how they worked the crowd, and if they
wrestled in Japan or ROH or not!
Morgan: Only smarks
care about that crap. And smarks, don't spend money
on the product, therefore, your input means jack
squat to Vince and creative, and by proxy, actual
Marx: Yeah, like
Vince is going to take stock in what you idiots have
to say. He knows deep down that by us not paying for
any of the shows or merchandise, we're sending a
message about our displeasure. And where's Jericho's
Marx: Why does
fucking Batista get one?
Morgan: Cause fans
who PAY for PPV's, merch, and sit through the
programs like him.
Marx: I don't get
it. I DO get that JeriShow retains, because Jericho
makes it worthwhile.
Morgan: Batista is
a singles competitor, so I doubt Rey and him will
get the belts.
Marx: I'd be
content if Batista remained in singles, or just
simply rolled over and died. Speaking of things that
won't die, let's get into the overkill of gimmick
matches, as well as unending feuds. First we
HELL IN A CELL -
D-GENERATION X VS. LEGACY
Marx: As pleasantly
surprised as I am to see Rhodes and Dibiase get the
win last month, now the doomsaying comes. DX will
get their win back because they have a book to
promote. It's as predictable as the McDonalds Dollar
Morgan: Cause you
know that menu like the back of your hand.
Marx: Because it's
good for my health, unlike DX's lame skits and
Shawn's overacting. You just know he plays dumb to
make Hunter look like the "smart" one.
Morgan: I think
they're both funny, and you can't tell me Shawn
isn't one of the best wrestlers of all time. His
personality has nothing to do with his ability, and
that goes for Trips as well.
Marx: Shawn is a
puppet now. He's buffooned himself for the greater
good of his untalented best friend. His pantlegs are
wider now so Hunter can easily get his hand up their
to move Shawn's lips to his liking.
Morgan: Talent >
whatever crap you're talking about.
Marx: Are you
fucking blind? Or do you not remember when Shawn was
his own man? Before Hunter and Jesus took control.
And by Jesus, I'm not referring to Kenta Kobashi.
Morgan: I wish
you'd stop talking about Japanese wrestlers that no
one knows/cares about.
Marx: The only
Japanese wrestler you like is Funaki!
Morgan: And Yoshi!
Marx: Look, Rhodes
and Dibiase should win this feud. They're younger,
more talented, have brighter futures, and are fresh.
Especially when compared to Degenerated Necks.
Morgan: But you're
against pushing new talent. You're such a
hyporcrite. Like... Shawn Michaels! *dorky laugh*
Marx: Your Jericho
Morgan: It sucks,
just like his entire persona.
Marx: I'd backhand
you, but that's just as predictable as DX.
Morgan: DX for the
Marx: I pick
Legacy, just out of spite. C'mon Vince, do the right
Morgan: We already
went over this: You pay for nothing, therefore, your
opinion means nothing.
Marx: Oh yeah? Who
got you the gift card to Best Buy for your birthday
in January? Huh? Answer that one!
Marx: You didn't
even KNOW Keith in January, you clit-flicking
cum-bather! I did! Because I'm your brother and
sometimes I do things to make you happy, even though
you're a bigger fuck-up than the movie North!
Morgan: Whatever. I
meant pay for WWE stuff...
Marx: Ohh, no good
comeback, huh? You can't even admit it when I do
something right! People know who you are because of
my writing, and you want to pretend I'm just a big
nobody! Is that it?
Marx: Maybe since
I'm driving Sunday, I'll get lost on the way there.
That might happen, yep.
Morgan: Keith is
driving me. You're going by yourself. Cause no one
Marx: Well, do you
know who *I* love? CM Punk! And that reminds me of
the next match....
TITLE/HELL IN A CELL - CM PUNK (C) VS. THE
Marx: Will you
cheer when Jeff Hardy has his mat---ooooh, right!
He's unemployed and going to jail! I totally forgot!
Morgan: That's not
Marx: It's not. CM
Punk didn't think it was funny. He was absolutely
right about Jeff being a paint-splattered junkie
with no hope for survival outside of his addictions.
He's going to jail, and I hope it's at Sing Sing so
he can get raped by Uncle Clyde!
Morgan: We should
stay on topic...
Marx: Good idea.
This match features CM Punk, who was right about
Jeff Hardy being a jun--
Morgan: SHUT THE
FUCK UP YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT! I WILL MURDER YOU IN
Morgan: I like
Marx: Yeah, I....I
like Punk and....I feel Taker will lose....because
um....the inj.....injuries will keep him from
uhhh.....being in the main event long--I can't
ignore what you just said.
Morgan: I didn't
say anything. *shifty eyes*
Marx: I'll bet you
Morgan: Well, Marx,
you just make me so angry sometimes.
Marx: Jeff Hardy
probably likes being raped by big gu--
Morgan: I WILL KILL
Marx: And that's
why I pick Punk to win!
Morgan:... I think
Punk will retain.
Marx: You ok? Need
Morgan: I'm not on
my period, cum-bucket.
Marx: You never
know. That'd still be more blood than you're going
to see Sunday. And speaking of disappointing, let's
end this preview with the feud that, well, NEVER
TITLE/HELL IN A CELL - JOHN CENA (C) VS. RANDY ORTON
Marx: Oh lord, kill
totally has to win!
Marx: Do you have
any evidence to back up your assertion, or is it
based on your undying faith
Morgan: He always
Marx: Yeah, and
that's the problem. He has no kryptonite! He has no
weakness that allows for the fans to get behind him
other than the hackneyed "it's six-on-one" and it's
so unrealistic when the guy overcoming the odds is
poop-obsessed dork! Orton can get heat by being a
slimy creep, but instead he's jobbed out as being
weak in comparison.
Morgan: Cena wins
all the time because he's a good role-model and we
buy his merchendise...
and he's really really
Marx: CM Punk, HE'S
a role model. No drugs, likes soda, works hard. All
Cena does is play everyone's uncool friend, and we
HATE that friend.
Morgan: But Punk is
an arrogant jack-ass. He shouldn't talk down to
people. Cena accepts his fans for who they are.
That's likeable quality.
Marx: If you tried
to get a hug from Cena, he'd laugh and walk away.
I'll bet he looks down on you all for being fat and
obnoxious, but enjoys taking your money.
Morgan: These girls
on my Cena forum met him and they said he was
wonderful! And im going to believe them over you
because they don't say mean things about everyone.
Marx: You'd sooner
get a Cleveland Steamer from Orton than you'd get a
hug from Cena.
Morgan: What is
that? Some sort of vacuum?
Marx: Yeah, Orton's
going to get the Jeff Hardy paint remanants out from
under your scalp. Let's
just end this. Cena wins
to piss me off.
Morgan: Cena wins
to make me happy.
Marx: As expected.
Alright, I've had enough. That's another edition of
Rayn-Per-View. I'm Marx Rayner.
Morgan: And I'm his
sweet sister, Morgan.
Marx: We'll try and
do better the next time. I need a fucking nap.