WWE BREAKING POINT
From The Bell Center -
September 13, 2009
Marx: Hey there,
bottom-feeders, and welcome to the third installment
of Rayn-Per-View! I'm your prognosticator of
perfection, Marx Rayner--
Morgan: Morgan: And
I'm the cute one! The one you actually read this
Marx: Way to give a
shout out to all the Ritalin-ingesting pubeless
wonders out there. Anywho, we're previewing WWE
Breaking Point, so let's get started--
Morgan: Wait, isn't
there something you're forgetting? I'm pretty sure
there's a black cloud hanging over your head right
Marx: There's no
need to discuss McGuinness and Danielson jumping to
WWE, it's not worth it.
Danielson and Nigel McGuinness! Two former Ring of
Honor Champions who brought class and dignity to the
North American wrestling scene with crisp techniques
and no-frills offense!
Morgan: No one
cares, Marx. What I meant was our bet, duh! I'm
pretty sure I got the most predictions right...
Marx: Oh yeah,
Summerslam, right. It shames me to admit that for
our Summerslam installment, Little Miss Headgear got
six out of eight matches correct, and your hero in
arms only got five. It was the least I could do,
since Summerslam fell on your birthday and all.
Morgan: My birthday
is in four months...
Marx: And speaking
of pointless occasions, we have this show! Let's
kick this shit off with....
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: JOHN MORRISON (C) VS. DOLPH
Morgan: I'm really
looking forward to this match! Two great young
talents finally getting a chance to put each other
over no matter the victor.
Marx: Are you
kidding me? Any and all hard work these two put
forth will be tempered by the fact that WWE is
pushing aside actual talent in favor of two
chemically enhanced performers who have failed drug
tests in the past! And this match is only happening
because a third guy, the previous IC Champion Rey
Mysterio....wait for it....it's coming....here it
is: FAILED A DRUG TEST!
Morgan: Well, you
can't depend on the older talent forever. If Rey
needs painkillers so often that he needs to take 'em
without a prescription, then it proves that he can't
wrestle forever, and this is where Dolph and JoMo
Marx: That is so
short sighted and wrong, you labia swabber. If Rey
didn't need pain killers, that means he wouldn't be
doing the flashy moves that entertain us in the
first place! Let him get fucked up on meds all he
wants. It means he's willing to make sacrifices for
Morgan: You wish
you knew what a labia looked like in real life, lard
guzzler. Anyway, isn't this about Dolph and
Morrison? Rey is gone for now, and we have new
wrestlers vying for the IC belt, which rises it's
prestiege some, doesn't it? If the only people who
ever want that belt are Rey, Kane, and Jericho then
how important is it really?
Marx: If Chris
Jericho wipes his ass with it, it's considered a
Morgan: You really
do eat everything.
Marx: I wouldn't go
sticking your Jeff Hardy figure in my mouth, lest I
want pubic lice in my retainer.
Morgan: That would
be the only taste of pussy you'd ever get.
Marx: I savor my
virginity, thank you. At least I won't be one
forever like SOME people. I'll pick Ziggler to win,
since I think Morrison is just there to transition
Morgan: Seeing as
I'm the one in a healthy relationship, I doubt that.
But mom says I have to be nice and not rub it in
that the only person who will ever love you is
her... and even then.... Well, I want Morrison to
keep the belt, but I think Dolph's been in line for
the belt long before Mr. Pretty Pants. So Dolph it
Marx: Yeah, Keith
just says he likes you and enjoys watching Hardy and
Cena and DX wrestle, but he's just using you. You'll
never know what love is.
mean, Marx. I'm gonna tell dad...
Marx: Sure, just
hide behind him all you want. You love watching him
thrash me every time you have a problem. And
speaking of problems, the next match qualifies as
MATCH: KANE VS. THE GREAT KHALI
Morgan: Why?! Kane
has been one of the hardest workers and is
definately the most selfless wrestler in the company
to date. Khali is an entertaning wrestler who does
his 'big guy', or whatever you call it, style well.
This match'll be entertaining to watch.
Marx: Then how come
during their Summerslam match, you were texting
Morgan: ... 'Cause
we were talking about the match...
exactly. Shows how great they are. When Chris
Jericho and Rey Mysterio square off, do you see me
on the phone talking to my friends or macking it up
to my lady friends? And do you know why?
Morgan: Because you
don't have either?
Marx: That's right!
Because they are a distraction to the great
wrestling! I can see why you'd get a boyfriend in
2009, since the wrestling product is so horrid that
one NEEDS a distraction!
Morgan: Wait... Did
you just hear yourself? You just said that having a
boyfriend is a distraction to great wrestling, and
then you turn around and say there isn't any? You
need to pick a side, or get a girlfriend that can
stand the stench that wafts off of you.
holding out faint hope that the product will pick
Morgan: I'll keep
my fingers crossed. Back to the match up: I'd like
Kane to pick up the win because he's been a favorite
of mine for years. I don't think he wins as much as
Marx: I'll go with
Kane, but I could care less either way.
WWE UNIFIED TAG
TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO AND BIG SHOW (C)
VS. MVP AND MARK HENRY
Marx: Jericho can
carry anything! Carries Show to a good team! Carries
Rey to a career resurgence! Carries Bob Barker to a
good hosting gig on Raw! Carries his band mates to a
hot single, "Martyr No More"! Carries my spirit in
this savage wasteland that surrounds me, floating me
through the rivers of deceit and over the sands of
discontent, harboring all of--
Morgan: He's just a
man, Marx. He's just a short man who wrestles with a
Marx: --my fears,
telling me that it's all going to be okay, that life
is in a holding pattern, to stick out my chest and
walk proud, and those words--
Morgan: You are so
Marx: --are the
foundation of my decayed optimism, that which I can
restructure my life--
Morgan: You know
there are other people in this match right? Like MVP
and that lovable bear Mark Henry! They're talented
too, and this match isn't going to put over Chris
anyway. He spends more PPV's on his back than--
Marx: --HOW DARE
YOU INTERRUPT MY PONTIFICATION?!? I PUT ON MAKE-UP
AND WRITE POETRY ON THE BATHROOM MIRROR USING YOUR
LIPSTICK ABOUT THIS ARMANI-WEARING JESUS!
Morgan: How can I
interrupt you? I was just trying to stop you from
sounding like an insane fool who needs
psychoanalysis. But I guess that's the vibe your
going for. Hope it works out for you.
Marx: I'm a psycho?
It's for Chris Jericho! Remember the time you
squirted all over Dad's DVD player when you snuck
downstairs to watch "The Marine" at 3 AM? Some of us
can hear you from the basement, Sex-orcist!
Morgan: MY GYNO
SAYS ITS PERFECTLY NORMAL!
Marx: Just as it's
normal to say that JeriShow retains.
Morgan: As much as
I want to say Jericho and Big Show lose, I don't
think MVP and Mark Henry are meant to be a long-term
tag team. JeriShow, which is a terrible name,
Marx: That's the
spirit! And hopefully those in the next match get
more than ten seconds to work as it's....
CHRISTIAN (C) VS. WILLIAM REGAL
Marx: It was
APPALLING that they only got ten seconds of match
time at Summerslam. $40 PPV?!? What if I wanted to
see just that match?!? Then I'd feel ripped off!
Morgan: Didn't I
pay for that PPV? DONT I PAY FOR ALL OF THEM?
Marx: ....why do
you have to embarass me in front of my following
Morgan: You're an
embarrassment to humanity, I figure I should return
the favor.... love you!
Marx: Of course you
love me. I enrich your miserable, meandering life. I
just hope Keith can be just as enriching, and that
he can last longer than ten fucking seconds.
Morgan: Is ten
seconds your own personal record?
Marx: I'm saving my
virginity, remember? I want Mrs. Right, not Mrs.
Morgan: You need
Mrs. Blind, Deaf, and Dumb
Marx: Hey look, we
paid just as much attention to this match as WWE
pays attention to ECW! Imagine that. Christian wins,
so he can move onto Sheamus or Ezekiel or whatever
musclehead Vince McMahon is currently pumping his
Morgan: I hope
Christian wins cause he's funny talented and so
Corrollary #5: Everyone is funnier and more talented
when they're a heel. The whole roster should just
turn heel for my love.
Morgan: I don't
like Heels. They're cruel just to spite people.
Everyone likes a nice guy!
Marx: Years of
experience have taught me to just ignore your
stupidity. Speaking of stupid, Satan's in the next
match! Let's take a gander at....
ANYWHERE: D-GENERATION X VS. LEGACY
Marx: I'm sorry,
how many tildebangs do I need to type after that
Look, I can appreciate that DX did the right thing
at Summerslam and gave Rhodes and Dibiase a ton of
offense, making them look credible and able to hang
with the main event crowd.
Marx: But they
DIDN'T lay down, and they BETTER this time! I am so
sick and tired of HHH and Michaels main eventing and
winning at the expense of all the young talent! It
crushes my spirit, destroys my will, and THAT'S why
I have low self esteem and THAT'S why I'm never
happy and THAT'S why I pissed all over the toilet in
the women's bathroom at Kinko's when the operations
manager told me not to come near his daughter with
'that look' in my eye!
Morgan: I thought
you were against new talent? A couple minutes ago
you were pissed cause Morrison and Dolph were
competing for the IC belt instead of Rey. You just
hate HHH and Shawn because they're funny, ruggedly
handsome, and have more money than you'll ever see.
Not to mention their wives are beautiful. They are
everything you are not and have everything you'll
never have. It's unhealthy being so hateful. Anyway…
don't you hate Cody and Ted?
such a cunt
Morgan: I hit the
nail on the head, huh?
Morgan: It's okay,
Marx. I know this may come a surprise to you, but I
hate people too...but Matt is a face now, so it's
Marx: You shouldn't
be so mean to me. I was going to link you to that
pic on the DVDVR forums that someone posted of Jeff
Hardy and Shannon Moore smoking weed naked while
Morgan: Hey! What
about all those times you're mean to me! I've never
sent you to the hospital!
you don't want the link then....
Morgan: LINK ME!
Morgan: ARGH! When
you can't find Jericho's book, you'll remember this
Marx: And with
equilibrium restored, I choose Legacy to win because
I fucking hate DX and hope that karma is on my side!
Morgan: While I
totally have a tiny crush on Cody, I say DX goes
over cause they're DX! Everyone loves them and they
didn't come back just to lose, did they?
Marx: If only.
Speaking of comebacks, finally, a match *I* want to
TITLE/SUBMISSION RULES: CM PUNK (C) VS. THE
Marx: So, what
shall we discuss? The technical complexities of
their holds? The homage to modern MMA that both men
can provide? The possible torch passing from a
twenty-year tenured main eventer to a tremendous
athlete on the cusp of integrated stardom?
Morgan: CM Punk is
the biggest douchebag of all time. HE'S THE REASON
WHY JEFF IS GONE!
Marx: ...or we can
throw all of that away in favor of talking about
yesterday's news, the AIDS-infected Skittle, Jeff
Hardy. Hey, remember that picture of him and Shannon
naked and toking up? Oh wait....
Morgan: If it
weren't for Punk and his hating ways, Jeff would
still be around exciting us with his highflying
moves and... and... enigmatic charisma, yeah!
Marx: Forget him.
Taker and Punk have the potential to top Taker's
match with Shawn Michaels at Mania 25. The only
burning question here is how do you do the ending?
Do you derail Punk's momentum and have him tap
clean? Do you have Taker tap out to give Punk the
ultimate vote of confidence? Do you do a schmozz
ending to build to the next PPV? They really painted
themselves into a corner here.
Morgan: When Jeff
left I've never cried more in my life!
Marx: But imagine
the implications here: Taker's only tapped once, and
that was in a double ending with Kurt Angle in 2002.
And that was as his biker persona. No one has ever
made the mascara-wearing zombie give up. Punk would
be a made man if he pulled that off.
Morgan: Oh God,
Marx: It'd be
understandable if Taker won, though. He has this
unbreakable character and it's so rare these days to
have someone built so strongly that's believ---are
is awkward. I give the win to Taker just to give
Punk more heel motivation to get revenge.
Marx: I like this
new attitude! You're so fun when you're somber.
Let's keep it that way. The main
goddamnit. Let's just get it over with....
CHAMPIONSHIP/SUBMISSION RULES: RANDY ORTON (C) VS.
Marx: Mo, do you
know the story of the guy who enjoyed his bowl of
chili until he got down to the very bottom of it,
and after his last slurp, found a sizeable turd
resting at the bottom of the dish?
Morgan: No, can't
say I have.
Marx: Well, that's
what this PPV looks like. It seems kind of enjoyable
for the most part until you get to Cena. Except this
time, I'm not going to mistake the turd as an exotic
chili and consume it!
Morgan: Are you
kidding me! Cena is the best part of the whole PPV!
When you see Cena in a match you know the right
man's going to win. And I still don't know how that
crap ended up in there...
Marx: All I
remember was it was the day we had to babysit the
neighbor's dog and I made you do all the cleaning
and such, but yeah, it's a weird mystery. Anyway,
Cena is stale and Orton's actually becoming fun to
watch. And it's time Cena stepped aside, went to
Hollywood, left the industry, and let a new face
dominate. Might I suggest Evan Bourne?
Morgan: Kay, there
are a bunch of things wrong with that statement.
First off, Cena is anything but stale. Secondly,
Orton is a monster! Did you see what he did to
Cody's daddy?! And Lastly, you got pissed when Rocky
did that. Cena and Rock are kinda alike, right? Oh!
and another thing, no one likes Evan...
Marx: Hey, guess
Marx: Jeff Hardy
well... mom and dad say you were a mistake!
Marx: Yeah, and
they made a bet to see if they could have a kid more
fucked up and with even worse social skills than me!
AND THEY SUCCEEDED!
Morgan: Said kid
has a totally hot boyfriend who loves her and thinks
her headgear is cute!
Marx: Said kid
needs to be punted in the face by my prediction,
Morgan: Well Marx,
when Cena wins I'll have the last laugh, won't I?
Marx: Yeah, if.
Well, that wraps up another allegedly rousing
edition of Rayn-Per-View! I'm Marx Rayner....
Morgan: and this is
the family jewel, Morgan Dahlia Rayner!
Marx: We'll try and
do better the next time. I need some Amp.