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LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
WWE BREAKING POINT
From The Bell Center - Montreal, PQ
September 13, 2009
 
Marx: Hey there, bottom-feeders, and welcome to the third installment of Rayn-Per-View! I'm your prognosticator of perfection, Marx Rayner--

Morgan: Morgan: And I'm the cute one! The one you actually read this for!

Marx: Way to give a shout out to all the Ritalin-ingesting pubeless wonders out there. Anywho, we're previewing WWE Breaking Point, so let's get started--

Morgan: Wait, isn't there something you're forgetting? I'm pretty sure there's a black cloud hanging over your head right about now.

Marx: There's no need to discuss McGuinness and Danielson jumping to WWE, it's not worth it.

Morgan: Who?

Marx: Bryan Danielson and Nigel McGuinness! Two former Ring of Honor Champions who brought class and dignity to the North American wrestling scene with crisp techniques and no-frills offense!

Morgan: No one cares, Marx. What I meant was our bet, duh! I'm pretty sure I got the most predictions right...

Marx: Oh yeah, Summerslam, right. It shames me to admit that for our Summerslam installment, Little Miss Headgear got six out of eight matches correct, and your hero in arms only got five. It was the least I could do, since Summerslam fell on your birthday and all.

Morgan: My birthday is in four months...

Marx: And speaking of pointless occasions, we have this show! Let's kick this shit off with....

WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: JOHN MORRISON (C) VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER

Morgan: I'm really looking forward to this match! Two great young talents finally getting a chance to put each other over no matter the victor.

Marx: Are you kidding me? Any and all hard work these two put forth will be tempered by the fact that WWE is pushing aside actual talent in favor of two chemically enhanced performers who have failed drug tests in the past! And this match is only happening because a third guy, the previous IC Champion Rey Mysterio....wait for it....it's coming....here it is: FAILED A DRUG TEST!

Morgan: Well, you can't depend on the older talent forever. If Rey needs painkillers so often that he needs to take 'em without a prescription, then it proves that he can't wrestle forever, and this is where Dolph and JoMo come in.

Marx: That is so short sighted and wrong, you labia swabber. If Rey didn't need pain killers, that means he wouldn't be doing the flashy moves that entertain us in the first place! Let him get fucked up on meds all he wants. It means he's willing to make sacrifices for our love.

Morgan: You wish you knew what a labia looked like in real life, lard guzzler. Anyway, isn't this about Dolph and Morrison? Rey is gone for now, and we have new wrestlers vying for the IC belt, which rises it's prestiege some, doesn't it? If the only people who ever want that belt are Rey, Kane, and Jericho then how important is it really?

Marx: If Chris Jericho wipes his ass with it, it's considered a delicacy.

Morgan: You really do eat everything.

Marx: I wouldn't go sticking your Jeff Hardy figure in my mouth, lest I want pubic lice in my retainer.

Morgan: That would be the only taste of pussy you'd ever get.

Marx: I savor my virginity, thank you. At least I won't be one forever like SOME people. I'll pick Ziggler to win, since I think Morrison is just there to transition the gold.

Morgan: Seeing as I'm the one in a healthy relationship, I doubt that. But mom says I have to be nice and not rub it in that the only person who will ever love you is her... and even then.... Well, I want Morrison to keep the belt, but I think Dolph's been in line for the belt long before Mr. Pretty Pants. So Dolph it is.

Marx: Yeah, Keith just says he likes you and enjoys watching Hardy and Cena and DX wrestle, but he's just using you. You'll never know what love is.

Morgan: That's mean, Marx. I'm gonna tell dad...

Marx: Sure, just hide behind him all you want. You love watching him thrash me every time you have a problem. And speaking of problems, the next match qualifies as one....

SINGAPORE CANE MATCH: KANE VS. THE GREAT KHALI

Marx: Ugh....not again....

Morgan: Why?! Kane has been one of the hardest workers and is definately the most selfless wrestler in the company to date. Khali is an entertaning wrestler who does his 'big guy', or whatever you call it, style well. This match'll be entertaining to watch.

Marx: Then how come during their Summerslam match, you were texting Keith?

Morgan: ... 'Cause we were talking about the match...

Marx: Yeah, exactly. Shows how great they are. When Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio square off, do you see me on the phone talking to my friends or macking it up to my lady friends? And do you know why?

Morgan: Because you don't have either?

Marx: That's right! Because they are a distraction to the great wrestling! I can see why you'd get a boyfriend in 2009, since the wrestling product is so horrid that one NEEDS a distraction!

Morgan: Wait... Did you just hear yourself? You just said that having a boyfriend is a distraction to great wrestling, and then you turn around and say there isn't any? You need to pick a side, or get a girlfriend that can stand the stench that wafts off of you.

Marx: ....I'm holding out faint hope that the product will pick up.

Morgan: I'll keep my fingers crossed. Back to the match up: I'd like Kane to pick up the win because he's been a favorite of mine for years. I don't think he wins as much as he should.

Marx: I'll go with Kane, but I could care less either way.

WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO AND BIG SHOW (C) VS. MVP AND MARK HENRY

Marx: Jericho can carry anything! Carries Show to a good team! Carries Rey to a career resurgence! Carries Bob Barker to a good hosting gig on Raw! Carries his band mates to a hot single, "Martyr No More"! Carries my spirit in this savage wasteland that surrounds me, floating me through the rivers of deceit and over the sands of discontent, harboring all of--

Morgan: He's just a man, Marx. He's just a short man who wrestles with a scowl...

Marx: --my fears, telling me that it's all going to be okay, that life is in a holding pattern, to stick out my chest and walk proud, and those words--

Morgan: You are so pathetic.

Marx: --are the foundation of my decayed optimism, that which I can restructure my life--

Morgan: You know there are other people in this match right? Like MVP and that lovable bear Mark Henry! They're talented too, and this match isn't going to put over Chris anyway. He spends more PPV's on his back than--

Marx: --HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY PONTIFICATION?!? I PUT ON MAKE-UP AND WRITE POETRY ON THE BATHROOM MIRROR USING YOUR LIPSTICK ABOUT THIS ARMANI-WEARING JESUS!

Morgan: How can I interrupt you? I was just trying to stop you from sounding like an insane fool who needs psychoanalysis. But I guess that's the vibe your going for. Hope it works out for you.

Marx: I'm a psycho? It's for Chris Jericho! Remember the time you squirted all over Dad's DVD player when you snuck downstairs to watch "The Marine" at 3 AM? Some of us can hear you from the basement, Sex-orcist!

Morgan: MY GYNO SAYS ITS PERFECTLY NORMAL!

Marx: Just as it's normal to say that JeriShow retains.

Morgan: As much as I want to say Jericho and Big Show lose, I don't think MVP and Mark Henry are meant to be a long-term tag team. JeriShow, which is a terrible name, retain.

Marx: That's the spirit! And hopefully those in the next match get more than ten seconds to work as it's....

ECW CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRISTIAN (C) VS. WILLIAM REGAL

Marx: It was APPALLING that they only got ten seconds of match time at Summerslam. $40 PPV?!? What if I wanted to see just that match?!? Then I'd feel ripped off!

Morgan: Didn't I pay for that PPV? DONT I PAY FOR ALL OF THEM?

Marx: ....why do you have to embarass me in front of my following populace?

Morgan: You're an embarrassment to humanity, I figure I should return the favor.... love you!

Marx: Of course you love me. I enrich your miserable, meandering life. I just hope Keith can be just as enriching, and that he can last longer than ten fucking seconds.

Morgan: Is ten seconds your own personal record?

Marx: I'm saving my virginity, remember? I want Mrs. Right, not Mrs. Right Now.

Morgan: You need Mrs. Blind, Deaf, and Dumb

Marx: Hey look, we paid just as much attention to this match as WWE pays attention to ECW! Imagine that. Christian wins, so he can move onto Sheamus or Ezekiel or whatever musclehead Vince McMahon is currently pumping his andro to.

Morgan: I hope Christian wins cause he's funny talented and so cute!

Marx: Smark Corrollary #5: Everyone is funnier and more talented when they're a heel. The whole roster should just turn heel for my love.

Morgan: I don't like Heels. They're cruel just to spite people. Everyone likes a nice guy!

Marx: Years of experience have taught me to just ignore your stupidity. Speaking of stupid, Satan's in the next match! Let's take a gander at....

SUBMISSIONS COUNT ANYWHERE: D-GENERATION X VS. LEGACY

Morgan: DX!

Marx: I'm sorry, how many tildebangs do I need to type after that outburst?

Morgan: None!

Marx: Oooooo-kay. Look, I can appreciate that DX did the right thing at Summerslam and gave Rhodes and Dibiase a ton of offense, making them look credible and able to hang with the main event crowd.

Morgan: But?

Marx: But they DIDN'T lay down, and they BETTER this time! I am so sick and tired of HHH and Michaels main eventing and winning at the expense of all the young talent! It crushes my spirit, destroys my will, and THAT'S why I have low self esteem and THAT'S why I'm never happy and THAT'S why I pissed all over the toilet in the women's bathroom at Kinko's when the operations manager told me not to come near his daughter with 'that look' in my eye!

Morgan: I thought you were against new talent? A couple minutes ago you were pissed cause Morrison and Dolph were competing for the IC belt instead of Rey. You just hate HHH and Shawn because they're funny, ruggedly handsome, and have more money than you'll ever see. Not to mention their wives are beautiful. They are everything you are not and have everything you'll never have. It's unhealthy being so hateful. Anyway… don't you hate Cody and Ted?

Marx: ..............................................................................................you're such a cunt

Morgan: I hit the nail on the head, huh?

Marx: ....no...

Morgan: It's okay, Marx. I know this may come a surprise to you, but I hate people too...but Matt is a face now, so it's okay!

Marx: You shouldn't be so mean to me. I was going to link you to that pic on the DVDVR forums that someone posted of Jeff Hardy and Shannon Moore smoking weed naked while writing songs.

Morgan: Hey! What about all those times you're mean to me! I've never sent you to the hospital!

Marx: Well....guess you don't want the link then....

Morgan: LINK ME!

Marx: ......gotcha

Morgan: ARGH! When you can't find Jericho's book, you'll remember this exact moment!
Marx: And with equilibrium restored, I choose Legacy to win because I fucking hate DX and hope that karma is on my side!

Morgan: While I totally have a tiny crush on Cody, I say DX goes over cause they're DX! Everyone loves them and they didn't come back just to lose, did they?

Marx: If only. Speaking of comebacks, finally, a match *I* want to see....

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE/SUBMISSION RULES: CM PUNK (C) VS. THE UNDERTAKER

Marx: So, what shall we discuss? The technical complexities of their holds? The homage to modern MMA that both men can provide? The possible torch passing from a twenty-year tenured main eventer to a tremendous athlete on the cusp of integrated stardom?

Morgan: CM Punk is the biggest douchebag of all time. HE'S THE REASON WHY JEFF IS GONE!

Marx: ...or we can throw all of that away in favor of talking about yesterday's news, the AIDS-infected Skittle, Jeff Hardy. Hey, remember that picture of him and Shannon naked and toking up? Oh wait....

Morgan: If it weren't for Punk and his hating ways, Jeff would still be around exciting us with his highflying moves and... and... enigmatic charisma, yeah!

Marx: Forget him. Taker and Punk have the potential to top Taker's match with Shawn Michaels at Mania 25. The only burning question here is how do you do the ending? Do you derail Punk's momentum and have him tap clean? Do you have Taker tap out to give Punk the ultimate vote of confidence? Do you do a schmozz ending to build to the next PPV? They really painted themselves into a corner here.

Morgan: When Jeff left I've never cried more in my life!

Marx: But imagine the implications here: Taker's only tapped once, and that was in a double ending with Kurt Angle in 2002. And that was as his biker persona. No one has ever made the mascara-wearing zombie give up. Punk would be a made man if he pulled that off.

Morgan: Oh God, Jeff! Why?!

Marx: It'd be understandable if Taker won, though. He has this unbreakable character and it's so rare these days to have someone built so strongly that's believ---are you crying?

Morgan: ....no....

Marx: Umm....this is awkward. I give the win to Taker just to give Punk more heel motivation to get revenge.

Morgan: ....T-Taker

Marx: I like this new attitude! You're so fun when you're somber. Let's keep it that way. The main
event features Cena an--

Morgan: CENA!~!!!1!

Marx: Oh, goddamnit. Let's just get it over with....

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP/SUBMISSION RULES: RANDY ORTON (C) VS. JOHN CENA

Marx: Mo, do you know the story of the guy who enjoyed his bowl of chili until he got down to the very bottom of it, and after his last slurp, found a sizeable turd resting at the bottom of the dish?

Morgan: No, can't say I have.

Marx: Well, that's what this PPV looks like. It seems kind of enjoyable for the most part until you get to Cena. Except this time, I'm not going to mistake the turd as an exotic chili and consume it!

Morgan: Are you kidding me! Cena is the best part of the whole PPV! When you see Cena in a match you know the right man's going to win. And I still don't know how that crap ended up in there...

Marx: All I remember was it was the day we had to babysit the neighbor's dog and I made you do all the cleaning and such, but yeah, it's a weird mystery. Anyway, Cena is stale and Orton's actually becoming fun to watch. And it's time Cena stepped aside, went to Hollywood, left the industry, and let a new face dominate. Might I suggest Evan Bourne?

Morgan: Kay, there are a bunch of things wrong with that statement. First off, Cena is anything but stale. Secondly, Orton is a monster! Did you see what he did to Cody's daddy?! And Lastly, you got pissed when Rocky did that. Cena and Rock are kinda alike, right? Oh! and another thing, no one likes Evan...

Marx: Hey, guess what?

Morgan: What?

Marx: Jeff Hardy left!

Morgan: Yeah well... mom and dad say you were a mistake!

Marx: Yeah, and they made a bet to see if they could have a kid more fucked up and with even worse social skills than me! AND THEY SUCCEEDED!

Morgan: Said kid has a totally hot boyfriend who loves her and thinks her headgear is cute!

Marx: Said kid needs to be punted in the face by my prediction, RANDY ORTON!

Morgan: Well Marx, when Cena wins I'll have the last laugh, won't I?

Marx: Yeah, if. Well, that wraps up another allegedly rousing edition of Rayn-Per-View! I'm Marx Rayner....

Morgan: and this is the family jewel, Morgan Dahlia Rayner!

Marx: We'll try and do better the next time. I need some Amp.

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO MARX RAYNER

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx, and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you. Marx can also be found at http://twitter.com/marxrayner, where he continues to stand behind his pulpit, expounding wrestling truth. Also, the pulpit helps him keep his balance.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).