Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
 
LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
 
RAYN PER VIEW: THE SIBLING RIVALRY
by Marx Rayner and his sister, Morgan Rayner


WWE SUMMERSLAM
From The Staples Center - Los Angeles, CA
August 23, 2009

Marx: Hey there, wannabes. Welcome to the second installment of Rayn-Per-View. I'm The Rayn Man himself, the foremost PPV previewer and prognosticator, Marx Rayner--

Morgan: And I'm his adorable kid sister and world's biggest Jeff Hardy fan, Morgan! I LOVE YOU JEFF!

Marx: ....Jeff's not going to be reading this column.

Morgan: But since you're such a "big time rasslin' dirt sheet writer", I guess I just assumed EVERYONE would read it! Does your probation officer read it?

Marx: I don't have a probation officer anymore, not since the surveillance tape conclusively proved that it was a 500 pound BEAR that broke into that country store. Anywho, last month at Night of Champions, Morgan and I did predictions for said event. While Morgan was four for eight, I got six out of the eight for an impressive three-quarter percentage. And what was the bet we made, sis?

Morgan: Ugh, I had to dust off your Mid-South and UWF tapes and close your blinds at the right time of day so that they wouldn't warp.

Marx: Good girl. Did you do a good job?

Morgan: Yes, I did exactly as I'd bet. I didn't welch like you did when we bet on December to Dismember!

Marx: .....I don't recall a bet....

Morgan: I said the show would be nothing like the old ECW and you said it would. The bet was you had to watch Raw with me every week for one full year.

Marx: Turns out the Geneva Convention prohibits that kind of torture. Anywho, on with the predictions! Let's get to our first match....

JACK SWAGGER VS. MVP

Marx: This one holds some promise. Two fine technical athletes in the prime of their careers, each perhaps a signature move or storyline moment away from breaking into the upper tier of WWE--

Morgan: Wow, that was very positive coming from you!

Marx: --which will be squandered when the writing team forgets that they are beneath Triple H and John Cena and they must remain buried in the midcard for all eternity.

Morgan: Well, guess I gave you too much credit. Listen, you can't remain a pessimist forever. WWE eventually let CM Punk run with the ball, right? And you guys figured he'd be putting over never-weres on ECW forever! He's had three recognized World Titles in the company thus far!

Marx: But none as glorious as the night he shocked the world, upending Austin Aries to become the Ring of Honor World Champion!

Morgan: You consider that a World Title? And Austin Aries looks gross! He looks like someone who crosses off days on his calendar until the next Rocky Horror midnight showing!

Marx: You crossed off days on your calendar until the Hardyz DVD came out!

Morgan: THEY ONLY HAVE ONE DVD!

Marx: THEY ALSO HAVE AN ULTIMATE INSIDERS DVD!

Morgan: If it's not WWE-authorized, I don't buy it.

Marx: I figured. I'm going with Swagger to win, since it'll annoy the fans.

Morgan: I think MVP wins because WWE always pleases the fans!

Marx: Like a rape victim, she never learns. Speaking of never learning, let's move onto some gentlemen who never seem to be depushed....

KANE VS. THE GREAT KHALI

Marx: Ugh, talk about giving me an incentive not to buy the show.

Morgan: You weren't going to buy it anyway. You were going to get your friend Samapti to bootleg the show onto DVDs for you.

Marx: Look, I don't want WWE having any of my money. What do they provide me in exchange for the money I slave for at Kinkos?

Morgan: Fodder for your letters?

Marx: ......

Morgan: Exactly. Kane vs. Khali is a classic battle of the monsters that can be very captivating. Besides, Khali is REALLY funny when he tries to kiss women. It's so cute and different!

Marx: Please. It's just a send-up of how Rick Rude would womanize audience plants in the 1980's. I see through the scheme and their recycled idea and I'm more than happy to call WWE out on their lazy booking techniques. It's just so disgusting!
Morgan: Well, if you hate it so much and plan to call them out, why not call their offices and complain?

Marx: They screened my number when I threatened to castrate Johnny Ace for firing Matt Hardy. I should have just threatened to steal Ace's skateboard. Not that you get the joke.

Morgan: Umm, you mean how Ace teamed with Shane Douglas as the Dynamic Dudes wherein they carried skateboards to the ring back in Jim Crockett's NWA? How come you didn't make those jokes when Ace was a budding star in All Japan? He DID invent Steve Austin's move for him, after all.

Marx: ....where did you learn that?

Morgan: You talk in your sleep. Anyway, I think Kane wins to elevate himself back into the main event scene.

Marx: Yeah, I agree. Because we're soooo overdue for a Kane push! Speaking of overdue, how about some love for two guys I actually LIKE! This would be....

ECW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRISTIAN (C) VS. WILLIAM REGAL

Morgan: Well, let's see you complain about THIS one!

Marx: With pleasure! Regal has little momentum. The feud is really based around the involvement of the useless Vladimir Kozlov and the even MORE useless Ezekiel Jackson. Christian is stale as a babyface. He needs to turn heel, bring back his catchphrases, reunite with Edge, win the tag team titles, and pretend it's 2000 again just for my sanity.

Morgan: Or....he could continue this new path of his career, beat Regal, move onto the next developmental star, which will probably be Sheamus, and help groom him for the upper card?

Marx: That's crazy talk.

Morgan: No, it makes SENSE. At least I live in the future!

Marx: Speaking of future, what do you think of all these Jeff Hardy rumors? Ain't they compelling?

Morgan: If Jeff leaves, I can still follow him on his website!

Marx: You are a buzzkill to my buzzkill. Look, Christian deserves better than this. So does Regal. Hell, this is Regal first Summerslam match! Ever! A man of his stature deserves better than this!

Morgan: The same guy you used to make jokes about from when he peed on an airplane?

Marx: That was out of respect! Anyway, I pick Christian because Regal, as much as I'd give him an organ if he needed one, isn't World Title material.

Morgan: I agree. Go Christian!

Marx: Sure, just copy my picks from here on out. Good strategy. Speaking of strategy, onto WWE's latest tradition of doing the same matches for infinite pay per views in a row! I'm talking about....

WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: REY MYSTERIO (C) VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER (C)

Marx: Let's rehash that boring match they had at Night of Champions, this time with a different entrance way! It's a new flavor!

Morgan: Hey Mr. Pessimist, remember when you said Dolph was going to win last month because WWE always shoves its developmental guys down our throats at the expense of world reknowned cruiserweights just because Vince McMahon has an agenda over creating his own stars?

Marx: I don't recall saying that.

Morgan: Well *I* do. And you were wrong, because Rey retained.

Marx: Shows how smart you THINK you are. Turns out that they only let Rey win at the last minute because they wanted to make sure he'd sign a long term deal and were using his continued reign as a show of good faith.

Morgan: Where'd you read that, the internet?

Marx: Of course, that's how I know it's a reputable truth.

Morgan: Like the rumor that Dreamer was retiring after Extreme Rules?

Marx: That was misinterpreted....

Morgan: Sure. And the rumor that Jeff Hardy had been arrested for smuggling heroin in his asshole into a men-only bordello that was really a sting operation?

Marx: Ok, I started that one just because you took my Luke Skywalker figure and gave him Jeff's face paint!

Morgan: Just cutening up your stuff!

Marx: Took me three days to chisel that shit off. Anyway, I'm going with Rey this time, since wwe does their PPV's on loop it seems.

Morgan: I think Dolph wins, just so Rey can move back to the main event and Dolph can work with new people.

Marx: Yeah, there's a concept. Here's another one: MY MAN! And he has to carry three guys as it's....

WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO AND BIG SHOW VS. CRYME TYME

Morgan: JTG has to carry three guys? Aren't you being kinda hard on Shad?

Marx: Being hard on Shad is telling him to his face that he's only there to fill a quota, not for any talent or charisma that he brings to the table.

Morgan: You're so MEAN! The fans cheer along with Cryme Tyme because they're exciting and unique! It's better than stale old Big Show!

Marx: Agreed.

Morgan: Or old, washed-up, run-down, pathetic C--

Marx: YOU LITTLE BITCH! DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MY HERO THAT WAY! HE IS MY GOD AND IT IS A SIN TO SPEAK ILL OF THE PARAGON OF VIRTUE, CHRIS JERICHO!

Morgan: I was going to say Curt Hawkins.

Marx: ....oh. I thought...thought you....nevermind. Whew, I'm ok. Just gimme a second here.

Morgan: Mom says your heart meds are in the kitchen drawer and that the angio-doctor is on speed-dial now.

Marx: I know, thank you. Anyway, I think Jericho and Show will probably lose here to give Jericho another deserved singles push. Then Cryme Tyme will work the tag scene as the top dogs for a while, probably feuding with the Hart Dynasty, trading the belts with them, before a new face team comes along to feud with the Dynasty while Cryme Tyme remains in the scene.

Morgan: And what happens if your fantasy booking isn't followed by WWE to an absolute tee?

Marx: More bitching ensues.

Morgan: I knew it!

Marx: Yeah, suppose that was a TAD predictable. Speaking of predictable, our next match
embodies that term as we have....

SHAWN MICHAELS AND TRIPLE H VS. LEGACY

Marx: Gee, let me think. I don't suppose that the two career politicians who bury all of their opponents are going to hold down two guys in their twenties who could use the big win just to appease their own egos....oh wait, yes I DO suppose so!

Morgan: Are you done being angry?

Marx: Not for all the cheetos in the world. Well, maybe....

Morgan: You know, the fans LOVE D-Generation X. And since it's a major PPV, this will be a feel good moment if they win. They love the familiar spots, they love the nostalgia of Shawn and Hunter teaming up, and they LOVE to see two cocky heels get their come-uppance. It's win-win all around if DX wins the match.

Marx: Why aren't you working in WWE's PR department?

Morgan: Because I'd rather train to be a WWE Diva one day!

Marx: Yeah, and I'm training to be a cruiserweight. Good luck with that. C'Mon, you're telling me that Cody and Ted aren't deserving of a career making victory like this would be?

Morgan: You told me two weeks ago that all second generation talents on WWE's roster should be shot and killed to send a message to Vince that the world is sick of him living off the reputations of others.

Marx: Yeah, I DID say that.

Morgan: That would include Rey Mysterio.

Marx: ....fine, I take it back. DX wins because WWE wants me to continue being unhappy.

Morgan: DX wins because WWE wants Morgan to be VERY happy!

Marx: You won't be smiling when I show you what I did to your custom Jeff Hardy bear.

Morgan: YOU BETTER NOT HAVE HURT JEFFY SNUGGUMS!

Marx: Please don't ever utter those words again. But hey, your hero is up next. Yep, it's....

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP/TLC MATCH: JEFF HARDY (C) VS. CM PUNK

Marx: Oh, PLEASE let the rumors be true!

Morgan: You know, is it so much to ask that us girls have someone to cheer for? Someone who is
creative, open-minded, free-spirited, handsome, athletic, gentle, and plain-spoken? We're part of the fanbase too, and we don't force you to cheer for him. You have your Punks and Jerichos and Edges to root for. Well, we have our favorites too. And Jeff has broken his body to give you memorable spotfest moments to wax your carrot to. Can't you cut him some slack?

Marx: You know, you make a good point. Jeff has indeed broken his body for us on numerous occasions.

Morgan: Exactly.

Marx: And I hope he's just as apt to do it Sunday when CM Punk PWNZ him to win yet another World Title!

Morgan: You are such a jerk sometimes.

Marx: Hey look, Punk never got go-away-heat in Ring of Honor.

Morgan: If you love ROH so much, why don't you watch it on HDNet?

Marx: It's out of protest for the firing of Gabe Sapolsky, the greatest booker in the business when I forget to invoke the name of Paul Heyman.

Morgan: So instead of supporting the company and the wrestlers you like, you protest over one management decision? What if I boycotted WWE because Hardy left?

Marx: I'd shake your hand.

Morgan: You'd finally get to touch a girl.

Marx: Oh, you're just full of it tonight, cotton-tits. Punk wins because Hardy's gonna DIE!

Morgan: Punk wins, because Jeff will be free to be creative without the smarks hating on him!

Marx: We'll still hate. We never forget. Speaking of hate, who else but....

WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: RANDY ORTON (C) VS. JOHN CENA

Marx: Yep, old Cena's still kicking around the main events.

Morgan: And why wouldn't he be? He's still loved by millions of fans, and he draws more ticket
buyers than Punk and Jericho! Combined!

Marx: Since when does making money and drawing fans equate to greatness?

Morgan: So glad YOU'RE not running the economy.

Marx: You know you'd want singles with Chris Jericho's face on them. IN CHRIS WE TRUST!

Morgan: Are you done yet? Because I'm talking to this boy online and he thinks I'm really cute and he even likes John Cena!

Marx: Wow, guess mom and dad never warned you about internet pedos. Of course, only pedos like Cena.
Morgan: You're not evening going to bring my good mood down. I'm buying Summerslam, I don't care if you watch it with me or not, and I will TOTALLY enjoy the show! Because I actually love watching the things I talk about!

Marx: If you're done making me sick, I'm picking Cena, since WWE loves to make me sick.

Morgan: CENA FTW!

Marx: Alright, go play with your pedo. I'm Marx Rayner.

Morgan: And I'm Morgan Rayner!

Marx: We promise to do better the next time. Somebody shoot me.

 

Marx Rayner spends his days watching wrestling and bitching about it afterward. His nights are pretty much the same, except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of the business has left him with no time for dating, social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx , and encourages you to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).