RAYN PER VIEW: THE SIBLING RIVALRY
by Marx Rayner and his sister, Morgan Rayner
From The Staples Center - Los
August 23, 2009
there, wannabes. Welcome to the second installment
of Rayn-Per-View. I'm The Rayn Man himself, the
foremost PPV previewer and prognosticator, Marx
Morgan: And I'm his adorable kid
sister and world's biggest Jeff Hardy fan, Morgan! I
LOVE YOU JEFF!
Marx: ....Jeff's not going to
be reading this column.
Morgan: But since
you're such a "big time rasslin' dirt sheet writer",
I guess I just assumed EVERYONE would read it! Does
your probation officer read it?
Marx: I don't
have a probation officer anymore, not since the
surveillance tape conclusively proved that it was a
500 pound BEAR that broke into that country store.
Anywho, last month at Night of Champions, Morgan and
I did predictions for said event. While Morgan was
four for eight, I got six out of the eight for an
impressive three-quarter percentage. And what was
the bet we made, sis?
Morgan: Ugh, I had to
dust off your Mid-South and UWF tapes and close your
blinds at the right time of day so that they
Marx: Good girl. Did you do a
Morgan: Yes, I did exactly as I'd
bet. I didn't welch like you did when we bet on
December to Dismember!
Marx: .....I don't
recall a bet....
Morgan: I said the show
would be nothing like the old ECW and you said it
would. The bet was you had to watch Raw with me
every week for one full year.
Marx: Turns out
the Geneva Convention prohibits that kind of
torture. Anywho, on with the predictions! Let's get
to our first match....
JACK SWAGGER VS. MVP
Marx: This one holds some promise. Two fine
technical athletes in the prime of their careers,
each perhaps a signature move or storyline moment
away from breaking into the upper tier of WWE--
Morgan: Wow, that was very positive coming from you!
Marx: --which will be squandered when the writing
team forgets that they are beneath Triple H and John
Cena and they must remain buried in the midcard for
Morgan: Well, guess I gave you
too much credit. Listen, you can't remain a
pessimist forever. WWE eventually let CM Punk run
with the ball, right? And you guys figured he'd be
putting over never-weres on ECW forever! He's had
three recognized World Titles in the company thus
Marx: But none as glorious as the night
he shocked the world, upending Austin Aries to
become the Ring of Honor World Champion!
Morgan: You consider that a World Title? And Austin
Aries looks gross! He looks like someone who crosses
off days on his calendar until the next Rocky Horror
Marx: You crossed off days
on your calendar until the Hardyz DVD came out!
Morgan: THEY ONLY HAVE ONE DVD!
ALSO HAVE AN ULTIMATE INSIDERS DVD!
If it's not WWE-authorized, I don't buy it.
Marx: I figured. I'm going with Swagger to win,
since it'll annoy the fans.
Morgan: I think
MVP wins because WWE always pleases the fans!
Marx: Like a rape victim, she never learns. Speaking
of never learning, let's move onto some gentlemen
who never seem to be depushed....
THE GREAT KHALI
Marx: Ugh, talk about giving
me an incentive not to buy the show.
You weren't going to buy it anyway. You were going
to get your friend Samapti to bootleg the show onto
DVDs for you.
Marx: Look, I don't want WWE
having any of my money. What do they provide me in
exchange for the money I slave for at Kinkos?
Morgan: Fodder for your letters?
Morgan: Exactly. Kane vs. Khali is a classic battle
of the monsters that can be very captivating.
Besides, Khali is REALLY funny when he tries to kiss
women. It's so cute and different!
Please. It's just a send-up of how Rick Rude would
womanize audience plants in the 1980's. I see
through the scheme and their recycled idea and I'm
more than happy to call WWE out on their lazy
booking techniques. It's just so disgusting!
Morgan: Well, if you hate it so much and plan to
call them out, why not call their offices and
Marx: They screened my number when
I threatened to castrate Johnny Ace for firing Matt
Hardy. I should have just threatened to steal Ace's
skateboard. Not that you get the joke.
Morgan: Umm, you mean how Ace teamed with Shane
Douglas as the Dynamic Dudes wherein they carried
skateboards to the ring back in Jim Crockett's NWA?
How come you didn't make those jokes when Ace was a
budding star in All Japan? He DID invent Steve
Austin's move for him, after all.
....where did you learn that?
talk in your sleep. Anyway, I think Kane wins to
elevate himself back into the main event scene.
Marx: Yeah, I agree. Because we're soooo overdue for
a Kane push! Speaking of overdue, how about some
love for two guys I actually LIKE! This would be....
ECW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRISTIAN (C) VS.
Morgan: Well, let's see you
complain about THIS one!
Marx: With pleasure!
Regal has little momentum. The feud is really based
around the involvement of the useless Vladimir
Kozlov and the even MORE useless Ezekiel Jackson.
Christian is stale as a babyface. He needs to turn
heel, bring back his catchphrases, reunite with
Edge, win the tag team titles, and pretend it's 2000
again just for my sanity.
could continue this new path of his career, beat
Regal, move onto the next developmental star, which
will probably be Sheamus, and help groom him for the
Marx: That's crazy talk.
Morgan: No, it makes SENSE. At least I live in the
Marx: Speaking of future, what do you
think of all these Jeff Hardy rumors? Ain't they
Morgan: If Jeff leaves, I can
still follow him on his website!
are a buzzkill to my buzzkill. Look, Christian
deserves better than this. So does Regal. Hell, this
is Regal first Summerslam match! Ever! A man of his
stature deserves better than this!
The same guy you used to make jokes about from when
he peed on an airplane?
Marx: That was out of
respect! Anyway, I pick Christian because Regal, as
much as I'd give him an organ if he needed one,
isn't World Title material.
Morgan: I agree.
Marx: Sure, just copy my picks
from here on out. Good strategy. Speaking of
strategy, onto WWE's latest tradition of doing the
same matches for infinite pay per views in a row!
I'm talking about....
TITLE: REY MYSTERIO (C) VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER (C)
Marx: Let's rehash that boring match they had at
Night of Champions, this time with a different
entrance way! It's a new flavor!
Mr. Pessimist, remember when you said Dolph was
going to win last month because WWE always shoves
its developmental guys down our throats at the
expense of world reknowned cruiserweights just
because Vince McMahon has an agenda over creating
his own stars?
Marx: I don't recall saying
Morgan: Well *I* do. And you were
wrong, because Rey retained.
Marx: Shows how
smart you THINK you are. Turns out that they only
let Rey win at the last minute because they wanted
to make sure he'd sign a long term deal and were
using his continued reign as a show of good faith.
Morgan: Where'd you read that, the internet?
Marx: Of course, that's how I know it's a reputable
Morgan: Like the rumor that Dreamer
was retiring after Extreme Rules?
Morgan: Sure. And the
rumor that Jeff Hardy had been arrested for
smuggling heroin in his asshole into a men-only
bordello that was really a sting operation?
Marx: Ok, I started that one just because you took
my Luke Skywalker figure and gave him Jeff's face
Morgan: Just cutening up your stuff!
Marx: Took me three days to chisel that shit off.
Anyway, I'm going with Rey this time, since wwe does
their PPV's on loop it seems.
Morgan: I think
Dolph wins, just so Rey can move back to the main
event and Dolph can work with new people.
Marx: Yeah, there's a concept. Here's another one:
MY MAN! And he has to carry three guys as it's....
WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO AND
BIG SHOW VS. CRYME TYME
Morgan: JTG has to
carry three guys? Aren't you being kinda hard on
Marx: Being hard on Shad is telling him
to his face that he's only there to fill a quota,
not for any talent or charisma that he brings to the
Morgan: You're so MEAN! The fans cheer
along with Cryme Tyme because they're exciting and
unique! It's better than stale old Big Show!
Morgan: Or old, washed-up,
run-down, pathetic C--
Marx: YOU LITTLE
BITCH! DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MY HERO THAT WAY!
HE IS MY GOD AND IT IS A SIN TO SPEAK ILL OF THE
PARAGON OF VIRTUE, CHRIS JERICHO!
was going to say Curt Hawkins.
I thought...thought you....nevermind. Whew, I'm ok.
Just gimme a second here.
Morgan: Mom says
your heart meds are in the kitchen drawer and that
the angio-doctor is on speed-dial now.
I know, thank you. Anyway, I think Jericho and Show
will probably lose here to give Jericho another
deserved singles push. Then Cryme Tyme will work the
tag scene as the top dogs for a while, probably
feuding with the Hart Dynasty, trading the belts
with them, before a new face team comes along to
feud with the Dynasty while Cryme Tyme remains in
Morgan: And what happens if your
fantasy booking isn't followed by WWE to an absolute
Marx: More bitching ensues.
Morgan: I knew it!
Marx: Yeah, suppose that
was a TAD predictable. Speaking of predictable, our
embodies that term as we have....
MICHAELS AND TRIPLE H VS. LEGACY
let me think. I don't suppose that the two career
politicians who bury all of their opponents are
going to hold down two guys in their twenties who
could use the big win just to appease their own
egos....oh wait, yes I DO suppose so!
Are you done being angry?
Marx: Not for all
the cheetos in the world. Well, maybe....
Morgan: You know, the fans LOVE D-Generation X. And
since it's a major PPV, this will be a feel good
moment if they win. They love the familiar spots,
they love the nostalgia of Shawn and Hunter teaming
up, and they LOVE to see two cocky heels get their
come-uppance. It's win-win all around if DX wins the
Marx: Why aren't you working in WWE's
Morgan: Because I'd rather
train to be a WWE Diva one day!
and I'm training to be a cruiserweight. Good luck
with that. C'Mon, you're telling me that Cody and
Ted aren't deserving of a career making victory like
this would be?
Morgan: You told me two weeks
ago that all second generation talents on WWE's
roster should be shot and killed to send a message
to Vince that the world is sick of him living off
the reputations of others.
Marx: Yeah, I DID
Morgan: That would include Rey
Marx: ....fine, I take it back. DX
wins because WWE wants me to continue being unhappy.
Morgan: DX wins because WWE wants Morgan to be VERY
Marx: You won't be smiling when I show
you what I did to your custom Jeff Hardy bear.
Morgan: YOU BETTER NOT HAVE HURT JEFFY SNUGGUMS!
Marx: Please don't ever utter those words again. But
hey, your hero is up next. Yep, it's....
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP/TLC MATCH: JEFF HARDY
(C) VS. CM PUNK
Marx: Oh, PLEASE let the
rumors be true!
Morgan: You know, is it so
much to ask that us girls have someone to cheer for?
Someone who is
free-spirited, handsome, athletic, gentle, and
plain-spoken? We're part of the fanbase too, and we
don't force you to cheer for him. You have your
Punks and Jerichos and Edges to root for. Well, we
have our favorites too. And Jeff has broken his body
to give you memorable spotfest moments to wax your
carrot to. Can't you cut him some slack?
Marx: You know, you make a good point. Jeff has
indeed broken his body for us on numerous occasions.
Marx: And I hope he's just
as apt to do it Sunday when CM Punk PWNZ him to win
yet another World Title!
Morgan: You are such
a jerk sometimes.
Marx: Hey look, Punk never
got go-away-heat in Ring of Honor.
you love ROH so much, why don't you watch it on
Marx: It's out of protest for the
firing of Gabe Sapolsky, the greatest booker in the
business when I forget to invoke the name of Paul
Morgan: So instead of supporting the
company and the wrestlers you like, you protest over
one management decision? What if I boycotted WWE
because Hardy left?
Marx: I'd shake your
Morgan: You'd finally get to touch a
Marx: Oh, you're just full of it
tonight, cotton-tits. Punk wins because Hardy's
Morgan: Punk wins, because Jeff
will be free to be creative without the smarks
hating on him!
Marx: We'll still hate. We
never forget. Speaking of hate, who else but....
WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: RANDY ORTON (C) VS.
Marx: Yep, old Cena's still kicking
around the main events.
Morgan: And why
wouldn't he be? He's still loved by millions of
fans, and he draws more ticket
buyers than Punk
and Jericho! Combined!
Marx: Since when does
making money and drawing fans equate to greatness?
Morgan: So glad YOU'RE not running the economy.
Marx: You know you'd want singles with Chris
Jericho's face on them. IN CHRIS WE TRUST!
Morgan: Are you done yet? Because I'm talking to
this boy online and he thinks I'm really cute and he
even likes John Cena!
Marx: Wow, guess mom
and dad never warned you about internet pedos. Of
course, only pedos like Cena.
Morgan: You're not
evening going to bring my good mood down. I'm buying
Summerslam, I don't care if you watch it with me or
not, and I will TOTALLY enjoy the show! Because I
actually love watching the things I talk about!
Marx: If you're done making me sick, I'm picking
Cena, since WWE loves to make me sick.
Morgan: CENA FTW!
Marx: Alright, go play with
your pedo. I'm Marx Rayner.
Morgan: And I'm
Marx: We promise to do better
the next time. Somebody shoot me.