LETTERS FROM MY MOM'S BASEMENT
by Marx Rayner
by Marx Rayner
RAYN PER VIEW: THE SIBLING RIVALRY
by Marx Rayner and his sister, Morgan Rayner
WWE NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS
From The Wachovia Center - Philadelphia, PA
July 26, 2009
Marx: Sean Carless of thewrestlingfan.com was SO fond of my expertly written letters that he asked me, Marx 'Fucking' Rayner, to pen a PPV preview column for his site. As I was going on about how lucky he was that he was getting the Reigning Ruler or Retort to further grace his infantile site, he said it was contingent on having a co-writer. I was thinking Dave Meltzer or RD Reynolds or Bryan Alvarez, but no. Instead......
Morgan: I got the job! No one else was really interested because my brother is overbearing and rude, but I love him and I love wrestling. I figuered that if he can worship Chris Jericho and Yokomamma (or whatever) I can balance it out with some Jeff and John love!
Marx: Ugh, as you can plainly see, my sister Morgan got the job. Sean and the others who read my letters were impressed with her positivity and generally sweet attitude. Sean said this is a perfect contrast to my demeanor, and I still have no idea what the hell that's supposed to mean.
Morgan: It means that while Marx is busy hating everything but himself, or including himself, I'm ready and willing to look at the bright side of wrestling.
Marx: Forgive her, she's been ingesting too much Jeff Hardy-style body paint intravenously. Now, the purpose of this column is to give two perspectives on WWE's up-and-coming pay per views, including thoughts and predictions. There's my take, and then there's hers, which will look amusingly deluded in comparison to mine.
Morgan: IT WAS ONE TIME!
Marx: And she's single, fellas! Bring ear plugs. Ok, let's get on with this preview as we look at our first match....
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: REY MYSTERIO (C) VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER
Marx: Now, this is obvious. A world-reknowned cruiserweight taking on one of WWE's own creations, a multi-gimmicked buffoon who's played a caddy and a cheerleader, but is now basically Mr. Perfect-lite. How does Ziggler deserve to even be in this MATCH, let alone share a locker room with Rey?
Morgan: Because he's earned it. He's had to work through a bunch of bad gimmicks, been sent back to developmental, and for a while was a joke with his handshake thing. This is an opportunity to create a new star out of someone with talent, looks, and personality.
Marx: See, there you go! LOOKS! You and WWE are a perfect fit. You indict shorter, homelier wrestlers who have a plethora of ability just because they don't look so good on TV. It's people like you who ruin wrestling and crush the dreams of those who are more deserving!
Morgan: You can't sell something if it doesn't look good, no one will buy it! And for the record, Rey's held that belt plenty of times, isn't time for something new? You can't depend on the same faces forever, you know.
Marx: Yeah, exactly. Which is why Jimmy Wang Yang should be in the match instead of Dolph. They should give Rey and Jimmy 25 minutes and get rid of both Women's Title matches.
Morgan: That's sexist.
Marx: Sez you, Gloria Steinem. I pick Dolph to win with your line of reasoning. Because he's "pretty!"
Morgan: As he told Morrison a couple weeks back: "You wish you looked like me!" Jealousy's a petty emotion, Marx.
Marx: If anything, Dolph would be jealous that I can probably do a better Russian legsweep than him. So come on, what's your pick?
Morgan: Though I'd love for Dolph to win it, methinks Rey will keep it and continue the feud.
Marx: Yeah, that's what we need. More WWE development talents getting extra TV time. Speaking of useless garbage, let's move onto.....
WWE DIVAS TITLE: MARYSE (C) VS. MICKIE JAMES
Marx: Ugh. Why does Alexis Laree have to waste her time fighting Pepe LeSuck? She was a frigging model, was Maryse! She has no business in wrestling! I know my fellow smarks take up for her because she's pretty and plays a decent character, but characters are NOT important. USA Network, remember: characters are NOT WELCOME! Why are doing this to Mickie?
Morgan: Characters aren't important? That's ridiculous! Without a heel like Maryse, no one would care about whether face Mickie can overcome and beat someone as cruel and ill-tempered as her. There's not story to tell otherwise.
Marx: You want a story to tell? How about this: Mickie works over Maryse's arm repeatedly for 4 minutes. Maryse, being an inexperienced ditz, can't overcome her. Mickie then spikes her with a thunder fire powerbomb to work the neck and pins her.
Morgan: That's boring....
Marx: Yeah, well that's how Jamie Noble would do it!
Morgan: Jamie Noble is about to get the slip. If the WWE listened to you, they'd be bankrupt within a week.
Marx: If by "bankrupt", you mean "swimming up to their scalps in money and hookers", then you're on point. Either way, I think Mickie wins just so WWE can feed her to another flavor-of-the-month bitch.
Morgan: Mickie gets my pick because Maryse has been mean for long enough!
Marx: If you think she's mean, you clearly didn't go to high school with your Hardy eyeliner. Moving on to our next contest....
WWE WOMEN'S TITLE: MICHELLE MCCOOL (C) VS. MELINA
Marx: Hey, more useless cunts! Undertaker's nepotistic stiff vs. John Morrison's kinda hot chickie. I'm sure this'll be a BRILLIANT contest, which I'm sure Melina will have to carry. Good thing she's with a guy who has workrate out the abs.
Morgan: First off, 'cunt' is a terrible word. It sounds like vaginas were made out of canned dog food or something... Second of all, you sure rank on developmental talent alot, what makes Morrison so great? Do I smell another man-crush, Marx?
Marx: Let's get something straight, Queen LaQueefa. Morrison is exempt because he was trained by Al Snow. Snow was a prominent indie talent in the midwest before WWE ruined him by making him Mick Foley's loser sidekick. So Morrison was trained by ring royalty. And besides, I'm a smark. I can make my own exceptions without fear of judgment. Because we're ALWAYS right!
Morgan: And are ALWAYS 300+lbs and live in their parent's basement. But back to the match at hand, I think both of these girls will have a good match. Melina's got some great offense and McCool has good in-ring psychology, I think. That alone makes for a good match in my book.
Marx: Aww, how cute. You trying to judge wrestling psychology. That's like letting Ashley Massaro teach in a school's DARE program. Long story short, Michelle McCool wins because she's tall, blonde, boring, and has sex with someone Vince likes. She's the female Triple H.
Morgan: With that line of thinking Cody Rhodes should've been in the Main Event a long time ago... I don't mean that, I'm sorry. Melina gets my vote.
Marx: You WISH you could do splits like her.
Morgan: You wish you could still see your penis under all four stomachs.
Marx: Shhh, there's this girl that likes me and she might be reading! But enough of women, as we've filled THAT quota today. Let's see what's next....
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE: KOFI KINGSTON (C) VS. MVP VS. BIG SHOW VS. JACK SWAGGER VS. THE MIZ VS. CARLITO
Marx: Wow, where to even begin? WWE crams their midcard all into one match, where I'm sure all their budding talents will have to sell for Big Show's plodding offense.
Morgan: Big Show plays his part well enough, he's a big guy, and you can't expect him to do a Swanton Bomb. As for the midcard, they're all talented and the future of the business, you should respect them some. At least they have job, unlike some people I know.
Marx: First off, Kinkos just has me "on paid leave" until they can actually PROVE that I groped that customer. And besides, this is what WWE does. These guys have decent personas. Kofi the silly stoner, MVP the cocky athlete, Swagger the consummate wrestler, Miz the self-absorbed celebrity, and Carlito the beach bully. And what do they do? Have them all bow before some has been hoss who hasn't been over in ten years JUST TO JUSTIFY VINCE MCMAHON'S BIG-MAN FETISH! WELL I'M SICK OF WATCHING TALENTED YOUNG MEN HAVE TO COW-TOW TO SHOW'S GODZILLA ACT! THIS IS WHY I DON'T WATCH WWE ANYMORE! ONE OF AT LEAST EIGHT HUNDRED REASONS!
Morgan: If you hate it, don't watch it, what gives you the right to have an opinion? And while the other boys may be talented, how can you possibly expect anyone believe that any one of them cold beat someone Seven feet tall! That's like expecting you to eat a salad at that buffet you love...until they barred you from the premises after you tried to put 3 steam trays of mashed potatoes in your sweat pants. They weren't even insulated!
Marx: Look, I paid the price. Do you know what it's like having to get skin grafts on your scrotum?
Morgan: No, because I'm not partially retarded or have a scrotum, for that matter.
Marx: Right, so keep your fucking pickle-hole shut until you grow some sack. Anyway, I pick Big Show for the reasons I mentioned. BECAUSE HE'S BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!
Morgan: Ditto, Big Show is big so he should win. If they wanted someone smaller to win, Show wouldn't be in it. Right? Right?!
Marx: Morgan, remember when I had to convince you that spending $10 on a licensed WWE Mr. Socko replica was a waste of money?
Morgan: Yeah? What of it?
Marx: I think my previous statement speaks for itself. Now let's talk about tag teams, since Vince McMahon doesn't. Yes, that's right, it's....
WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO AND A MYSTERY PARTNER VS. CODY RHODES AND TED DIBIASE
Marx: Look, let's not mince words here. Chris Jericho could be facing two Make-A-Wish children in a handicap match where they would be cured if they won the belts, and there's no fucking way on any corner of this earth that Jericho should lay down. He could come here tomorrow and turn all of the half empty cans of Amp on my basement floor into wine. He's just THAT magnificent.
Morgan: And you are just THAT gay.
Marx: Remember the rule: if you jerk off on the pages of "A Lion's Tale: Around the World in Spandex", it only makes you gay if you appear like you're enjoying it. I, however, wear a blindfold and weep about my dead corgi, Blanchard, when I do it.
Morgan: I don't know what so great about Jericho anyway. Okay, he was funny way back when and he's an okay wrestler, but it's not like he's mind-blowing or anything. I can name about ten wrestlers who are more entertaining than him. I mean, how many times can you be called a hypocrite because you stop giving a shit? Not to mention how much weight he's gained. Did he decide to eat Lance Storm or something?
**NOTE: AT THIS POINT IN THE TRANSCRIPTION, MARX HAD TO LEAVE THE ROOM FOR 10 MINUTES TO "CALM DOWN"**
Marx: Before I get mad, Jericho wins with his new partner. Who had BETTER BE Lance Storm or Christian or somebody else that I approve of.
Morgan: Legacy takes it, because without Edge, who the hell cares?
Marx: Do you want me to walk out again?
Morgan: I want you to stop burning all my Jeff Hardy posters when I'm not home. Still, wasn't the point of putting the belts on Edge and Chris for them to feud eventually? With Edge out for so long, Legacy has to take it from Jericho so he can keep being "King of the Midcard".
Marx: You know what? I'm not going to argue. You're trying to make me look bad in front of my fans at TWF and it's not happening. They don't care about some 21 year old bitch with oversized breasts and cute, school-girl lust. They come to read my hardcore opinions which also happen to be fact! So, let's move on to the World Title matches, starting with.....
ECW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TOMMY DREAMER (C) VS. CHRISTIAN
Marx: Morg, do you know how I said I'd be happy if Dreamer got one last run as ECW champ?
Morgan: Let me guess: You take it back because Christian is awesome?
Marx: No, I take it back because I'm NOT happy! If they wanted me to be happy, they'd bring back RVD and Sandman and Sabu and Douglas and Raven and Awesome and Mikey and Saturn and Kronus and Storm and Credible and Buh Buh and D-Von and Taz and EVERYONE ELSE who made the REAL ECW happen! Yeah, Dreamer's defending the belt in Philly, which is FINE, but NOT IN A HUGE ARENA WITH LITTLE MARKS RUNNING AROUND! WHY MUST THEY FURTHER DEVALUE MY TEENAGE YEARS?!
Morgan: Aren't half those guys on TNA? Just watch that show.
Marx: Watch TNA?!? TNA IS NOT DESIGNED FOR ME! Where's the nudity? The frequent blood? Paul Heyman? Dark lighting? The high spots that have no psychology? The....ok, maybe TNA has THAT, but still, it's not the same! I will not be happy until God descends from heaven and restores the ECW I used to love!
Morgan: At least ECW has a reason to exist now. In the old days it was blood for no reason and ring rat valets. The ECW of today gives guys like, I don't know, Tyler Reks a chance to move up and one day get drafted to RAW and SmackDown! You can't be a manager if you haven't worked the drive-thru.
Marx: If I had my way, Tyler Reks WOULD be working the drive thru.
Morgan: If it weren't for the restraining order, you'd still be able to get within 50 yards of the one at Burger King around the block.
Marx: Look, they got it all wrong. I didn't go there 7 times that day just to leer at the hot Mexican babe at the window. I went there because I have a serious addiction to their fries and you know that! It's like potatoes laced with heroin! But back on track here, this should be a decent match if they give it time, and I think Christian wins it because it's more likely to piss off the Philly fans.
Morgan: I want Christian to win because he's hot, so, I'll just go with that.
Marx: I have no problem if it gets this done quicker. My Warcraft guild awaits me, so let's speed this up. Next we have....
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: CM PUNK (C) VS. JEFF HARDY
Marx: Morgan, listen carefully. I'm going to go against Hardy here, because Punk is tattooed Jesus. Please, do not give me any of your bullshit about Jeff having the "soul of a poet" or being "inspirationally unique". He is a drugged up faggot. And for that, he needs to lose, leave WWE, and commit suicide. I hope you understand.
Morgan: TAKE THAT BACK! IF HE DIES I GO WITH HIM!
Marx: Is that a promise?
Morgan: Asshole. Jeff should deff win this match, because everyone knows Punk stole that belt from him. Do people even care about Punk? Until recently, he got more apathy than you do with your sucky letters. Who's more over than Jeff? Who can electrify the masses? Who's sexier? Who's the most enigmatic? No one, that's who.
Marx: The only thing "enigmatic" about him is how he's able to walk a straight line without falling and breaking his clavicle. I don't care what the so called "fans" like. If they were smart, they'd turn on him for fucking up his Ring of Honor appearance. Even if we DID boo him before he could even do a move!
Morgan: He's been clean for a year, which is more than I can say for other wres-- well, maybe he HAS been caught recently but that doesn't mean he should be persecuted! I can't believe they're letting Punk bring up Jeff's internal struggles in his promos. It's just cruel and wrong. He's a complicated soul, Marx. When you feel as much as he does, sometimes the pain is too strong to bear. He used those drugs to pacify his soul...
Marx: So when I'm depressed over Deep Space Nine getting cancelled and eat three sticks of butter to pacify my soul, that's okay then, right? Because it's similiar, right?
Morgan: No. Because you're fat and ugly.
Marx: Jericho's right: you ARE all hypocrites. Punk wins, because Hardy needs to take his summer vacation to reha--, er, home for some rest and detoxifi--, I mean, relaxation.
Morgan: Well, aren't you funny... I say Jeff wins because no one cares about Punk anyway.
Marx: So says the girl who slept outside Best Buy all night to buy 12 Rounds when it came out in the morning. Alone mind you, which is probably how you'll spend the rest of your miserable unicorn-dream life. And speaking of 12 Rounds, let's look at the star....
WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: RANDY ORTON (C) VS. TRIPLE H VS. JOHN CENA
Morgan: CENA!
Marx: ......
Morgan: Another wrestler you hate because he's better looking than you and a face. The entire IWC hates everyone with those qualities. It's sad. You don't see me hating Maria because she's pretty.
Marx: Maria used to blow CM Punk. She'd get a mouthful of Pepsi jizz every time.
Morgan: What does that have to do with the match? Or do you need to speak about pecker-juice at least once a day, to be completely fulfilled?
Marx: Let's not question who speaks of what and his obsessions with it. Let's just say that I am NOT looking forward to this played out farce of a so-called 'main event'. Thank god for Punk and Hardy, at least we'll get psychology and workrate.
Morgan: You just thanked God for Jeff, and you can't take it back.
Marx: STOP SHOOTING LOGIC HOLES IN ME! Look, you've done nothing but make this miserable for me when all I want to do is give the people who read TWF some knowledge and solid opinion! You've ruined THEIR day!
Morgan: Funny, you've ruined MY life. But, seeing as we're supposed to be talking about wrestling, I say Trips and Cena will have a great match. These two guys will have a nice clean match, which will showcase each of their talents. I have a feeling it'll be a contender for MOTY!
Marx: If murder was legal, I'd have booked your funeral in advance and choked you out with the Kata Hija Mae. That's the Tazmission, you uneducated frothing whore! Anyway, I pick Orton to win because I don't care.
Morgan: Wow! I forgot Orton was even in this match! Says a lot for his character... I vote Cena, because I love him.
Marx: And that's all the energy I have for this garbage. I'm Marx Rayner.
Morgan: And I'm the completely lovable Morgan Rayner! Swantons and kisses for all!
Marx: We'll try and do better another time. Fuck my life.
by Marx Rayner and his sister, Morgan Rayner
WWE NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS
From The Wachovia Center - Philadelphia, PA
July 26, 2009
Marx: Sean Carless of thewrestlingfan.com was SO fond of my expertly written letters that he asked me, Marx 'Fucking' Rayner, to pen a PPV preview column for his site. As I was going on about how lucky he was that he was getting the Reigning Ruler or Retort to further grace his infantile site, he said it was contingent on having a co-writer. I was thinking Dave Meltzer or RD Reynolds or Bryan Alvarez, but no. Instead......
Morgan: I got the job! No one else was really interested because my brother is overbearing and rude, but I love him and I love wrestling. I figuered that if he can worship Chris Jericho and Yokomamma (or whatever) I can balance it out with some Jeff and John love!
Marx: Ugh, as you can plainly see, my sister Morgan got the job. Sean and the others who read my letters were impressed with her positivity and generally sweet attitude. Sean said this is a perfect contrast to my demeanor, and I still have no idea what the hell that's supposed to mean.
Morgan: It means that while Marx is busy hating everything but himself, or including himself, I'm ready and willing to look at the bright side of wrestling.
Marx: Forgive her, she's been ingesting too much Jeff Hardy-style body paint intravenously. Now, the purpose of this column is to give two perspectives on WWE's up-and-coming pay per views, including thoughts and predictions. There's my take, and then there's hers, which will look amusingly deluded in comparison to mine.
Morgan: IT WAS ONE TIME!
Marx: And she's single, fellas! Bring ear plugs. Ok, let's get on with this preview as we look at our first match....
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: REY MYSTERIO (C) VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER
Marx: Now, this is obvious. A world-reknowned cruiserweight taking on one of WWE's own creations, a multi-gimmicked buffoon who's played a caddy and a cheerleader, but is now basically Mr. Perfect-lite. How does Ziggler deserve to even be in this MATCH, let alone share a locker room with Rey?
Morgan: Because he's earned it. He's had to work through a bunch of bad gimmicks, been sent back to developmental, and for a while was a joke with his handshake thing. This is an opportunity to create a new star out of someone with talent, looks, and personality.
Marx: See, there you go! LOOKS! You and WWE are a perfect fit. You indict shorter, homelier wrestlers who have a plethora of ability just because they don't look so good on TV. It's people like you who ruin wrestling and crush the dreams of those who are more deserving!
Morgan: You can't sell something if it doesn't look good, no one will buy it! And for the record, Rey's held that belt plenty of times, isn't time for something new? You can't depend on the same faces forever, you know.
Marx: Yeah, exactly. Which is why Jimmy Wang Yang should be in the match instead of Dolph. They should give Rey and Jimmy 25 minutes and get rid of both Women's Title matches.
Morgan: That's sexist.
Marx: Sez you, Gloria Steinem. I pick Dolph to win with your line of reasoning. Because he's "pretty!"
Morgan: As he told Morrison a couple weeks back: "You wish you looked like me!" Jealousy's a petty emotion, Marx.
Marx: If anything, Dolph would be jealous that I can probably do a better Russian legsweep than him. So come on, what's your pick?
Morgan: Though I'd love for Dolph to win it, methinks Rey will keep it and continue the feud.
Marx: Yeah, that's what we need. More WWE development talents getting extra TV time. Speaking of useless garbage, let's move onto.....
WWE DIVAS TITLE: MARYSE (C) VS. MICKIE JAMES
Marx: Ugh. Why does Alexis Laree have to waste her time fighting Pepe LeSuck? She was a frigging model, was Maryse! She has no business in wrestling! I know my fellow smarks take up for her because she's pretty and plays a decent character, but characters are NOT important. USA Network, remember: characters are NOT WELCOME! Why are doing this to Mickie?
Morgan: Characters aren't important? That's ridiculous! Without a heel like Maryse, no one would care about whether face Mickie can overcome and beat someone as cruel and ill-tempered as her. There's not story to tell otherwise.
Marx: You want a story to tell? How about this: Mickie works over Maryse's arm repeatedly for 4 minutes. Maryse, being an inexperienced ditz, can't overcome her. Mickie then spikes her with a thunder fire powerbomb to work the neck and pins her.
Morgan: That's boring....
Marx: Yeah, well that's how Jamie Noble would do it!
Morgan: Jamie Noble is about to get the slip. If the WWE listened to you, they'd be bankrupt within a week.
Marx: If by "bankrupt", you mean "swimming up to their scalps in money and hookers", then you're on point. Either way, I think Mickie wins just so WWE can feed her to another flavor-of-the-month bitch.
Morgan: Mickie gets my pick because Maryse has been mean for long enough!
Marx: If you think she's mean, you clearly didn't go to high school with your Hardy eyeliner. Moving on to our next contest....
WWE WOMEN'S TITLE: MICHELLE MCCOOL (C) VS. MELINA
Marx: Hey, more useless cunts! Undertaker's nepotistic stiff vs. John Morrison's kinda hot chickie. I'm sure this'll be a BRILLIANT contest, which I'm sure Melina will have to carry. Good thing she's with a guy who has workrate out the abs.
Morgan: First off, 'cunt' is a terrible word. It sounds like vaginas were made out of canned dog food or something... Second of all, you sure rank on developmental talent alot, what makes Morrison so great? Do I smell another man-crush, Marx?
Marx: Let's get something straight, Queen LaQueefa. Morrison is exempt because he was trained by Al Snow. Snow was a prominent indie talent in the midwest before WWE ruined him by making him Mick Foley's loser sidekick. So Morrison was trained by ring royalty. And besides, I'm a smark. I can make my own exceptions without fear of judgment. Because we're ALWAYS right!
Morgan: And are ALWAYS 300+lbs and live in their parent's basement. But back to the match at hand, I think both of these girls will have a good match. Melina's got some great offense and McCool has good in-ring psychology, I think. That alone makes for a good match in my book.
Marx: Aww, how cute. You trying to judge wrestling psychology. That's like letting Ashley Massaro teach in a school's DARE program. Long story short, Michelle McCool wins because she's tall, blonde, boring, and has sex with someone Vince likes. She's the female Triple H.
Morgan: With that line of thinking Cody Rhodes should've been in the Main Event a long time ago... I don't mean that, I'm sorry. Melina gets my vote.
Marx: You WISH you could do splits like her.
Morgan: You wish you could still see your penis under all four stomachs.
Marx: Shhh, there's this girl that likes me and she might be reading! But enough of women, as we've filled THAT quota today. Let's see what's next....
WWE UNITED STATES TITLE: KOFI KINGSTON (C) VS. MVP VS. BIG SHOW VS. JACK SWAGGER VS. THE MIZ VS. CARLITO
Marx: Wow, where to even begin? WWE crams their midcard all into one match, where I'm sure all their budding talents will have to sell for Big Show's plodding offense.
Morgan: Big Show plays his part well enough, he's a big guy, and you can't expect him to do a Swanton Bomb. As for the midcard, they're all talented and the future of the business, you should respect them some. At least they have job, unlike some people I know.
Marx: First off, Kinkos just has me "on paid leave" until they can actually PROVE that I groped that customer. And besides, this is what WWE does. These guys have decent personas. Kofi the silly stoner, MVP the cocky athlete, Swagger the consummate wrestler, Miz the self-absorbed celebrity, and Carlito the beach bully. And what do they do? Have them all bow before some has been hoss who hasn't been over in ten years JUST TO JUSTIFY VINCE MCMAHON'S BIG-MAN FETISH! WELL I'M SICK OF WATCHING TALENTED YOUNG MEN HAVE TO COW-TOW TO SHOW'S GODZILLA ACT! THIS IS WHY I DON'T WATCH WWE ANYMORE! ONE OF AT LEAST EIGHT HUNDRED REASONS!
Morgan: If you hate it, don't watch it, what gives you the right to have an opinion? And while the other boys may be talented, how can you possibly expect anyone believe that any one of them cold beat someone Seven feet tall! That's like expecting you to eat a salad at that buffet you love...until they barred you from the premises after you tried to put 3 steam trays of mashed potatoes in your sweat pants. They weren't even insulated!
Marx: Look, I paid the price. Do you know what it's like having to get skin grafts on your scrotum?
Morgan: No, because I'm not partially retarded or have a scrotum, for that matter.
Marx: Right, so keep your fucking pickle-hole shut until you grow some sack. Anyway, I pick Big Show for the reasons I mentioned. BECAUSE HE'S BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!
Morgan: Ditto, Big Show is big so he should win. If they wanted someone smaller to win, Show wouldn't be in it. Right? Right?!
Marx: Morgan, remember when I had to convince you that spending $10 on a licensed WWE Mr. Socko replica was a waste of money?
Morgan: Yeah? What of it?
Marx: I think my previous statement speaks for itself. Now let's talk about tag teams, since Vince McMahon doesn't. Yes, that's right, it's....
WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS JERICHO AND A MYSTERY PARTNER VS. CODY RHODES AND TED DIBIASE
Marx: Look, let's not mince words here. Chris Jericho could be facing two Make-A-Wish children in a handicap match where they would be cured if they won the belts, and there's no fucking way on any corner of this earth that Jericho should lay down. He could come here tomorrow and turn all of the half empty cans of Amp on my basement floor into wine. He's just THAT magnificent.
Morgan: And you are just THAT gay.
Marx: Remember the rule: if you jerk off on the pages of "A Lion's Tale: Around the World in Spandex", it only makes you gay if you appear like you're enjoying it. I, however, wear a blindfold and weep about my dead corgi, Blanchard, when I do it.
Morgan: I don't know what so great about Jericho anyway. Okay, he was funny way back when and he's an okay wrestler, but it's not like he's mind-blowing or anything. I can name about ten wrestlers who are more entertaining than him. I mean, how many times can you be called a hypocrite because you stop giving a shit? Not to mention how much weight he's gained. Did he decide to eat Lance Storm or something?
**NOTE: AT THIS POINT IN THE TRANSCRIPTION, MARX HAD TO LEAVE THE ROOM FOR 10 MINUTES TO "CALM DOWN"**
Marx: Before I get mad, Jericho wins with his new partner. Who had BETTER BE Lance Storm or Christian or somebody else that I approve of.
Morgan: Legacy takes it, because without Edge, who the hell cares?
Marx: Do you want me to walk out again?
Morgan: I want you to stop burning all my Jeff Hardy posters when I'm not home. Still, wasn't the point of putting the belts on Edge and Chris for them to feud eventually? With Edge out for so long, Legacy has to take it from Jericho so he can keep being "King of the Midcard".
Marx: You know what? I'm not going to argue. You're trying to make me look bad in front of my fans at TWF and it's not happening. They don't care about some 21 year old bitch with oversized breasts and cute, school-girl lust. They come to read my hardcore opinions which also happen to be fact! So, let's move on to the World Title matches, starting with.....
ECW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: TOMMY DREAMER (C) VS. CHRISTIAN
Marx: Morg, do you know how I said I'd be happy if Dreamer got one last run as ECW champ?
Morgan: Let me guess: You take it back because Christian is awesome?
Marx: No, I take it back because I'm NOT happy! If they wanted me to be happy, they'd bring back RVD and Sandman and Sabu and Douglas and Raven and Awesome and Mikey and Saturn and Kronus and Storm and Credible and Buh Buh and D-Von and Taz and EVERYONE ELSE who made the REAL ECW happen! Yeah, Dreamer's defending the belt in Philly, which is FINE, but NOT IN A HUGE ARENA WITH LITTLE MARKS RUNNING AROUND! WHY MUST THEY FURTHER DEVALUE MY TEENAGE YEARS?!
Morgan: Aren't half those guys on TNA? Just watch that show.
Marx: Watch TNA?!? TNA IS NOT DESIGNED FOR ME! Where's the nudity? The frequent blood? Paul Heyman? Dark lighting? The high spots that have no psychology? The....ok, maybe TNA has THAT, but still, it's not the same! I will not be happy until God descends from heaven and restores the ECW I used to love!
Morgan: At least ECW has a reason to exist now. In the old days it was blood for no reason and ring rat valets. The ECW of today gives guys like, I don't know, Tyler Reks a chance to move up and one day get drafted to RAW and SmackDown! You can't be a manager if you haven't worked the drive-thru.
Marx: If I had my way, Tyler Reks WOULD be working the drive thru.
Morgan: If it weren't for the restraining order, you'd still be able to get within 50 yards of the one at Burger King around the block.
Marx: Look, they got it all wrong. I didn't go there 7 times that day just to leer at the hot Mexican babe at the window. I went there because I have a serious addiction to their fries and you know that! It's like potatoes laced with heroin! But back on track here, this should be a decent match if they give it time, and I think Christian wins it because it's more likely to piss off the Philly fans.
Morgan: I want Christian to win because he's hot, so, I'll just go with that.
Marx: I have no problem if it gets this done quicker. My Warcraft guild awaits me, so let's speed this up. Next we have....
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: CM PUNK (C) VS. JEFF HARDY
Marx: Morgan, listen carefully. I'm going to go against Hardy here, because Punk is tattooed Jesus. Please, do not give me any of your bullshit about Jeff having the "soul of a poet" or being "inspirationally unique". He is a drugged up faggot. And for that, he needs to lose, leave WWE, and commit suicide. I hope you understand.
Morgan: TAKE THAT BACK! IF HE DIES I GO WITH HIM!
Marx: Is that a promise?
Morgan: Asshole. Jeff should deff win this match, because everyone knows Punk stole that belt from him. Do people even care about Punk? Until recently, he got more apathy than you do with your sucky letters. Who's more over than Jeff? Who can electrify the masses? Who's sexier? Who's the most enigmatic? No one, that's who.
Marx: The only thing "enigmatic" about him is how he's able to walk a straight line without falling and breaking his clavicle. I don't care what the so called "fans" like. If they were smart, they'd turn on him for fucking up his Ring of Honor appearance. Even if we DID boo him before he could even do a move!
Morgan: He's been clean for a year, which is more than I can say for other wres-- well, maybe he HAS been caught recently but that doesn't mean he should be persecuted! I can't believe they're letting Punk bring up Jeff's internal struggles in his promos. It's just cruel and wrong. He's a complicated soul, Marx. When you feel as much as he does, sometimes the pain is too strong to bear. He used those drugs to pacify his soul...
Marx: So when I'm depressed over Deep Space Nine getting cancelled and eat three sticks of butter to pacify my soul, that's okay then, right? Because it's similiar, right?
Morgan: No. Because you're fat and ugly.
Marx: Jericho's right: you ARE all hypocrites. Punk wins, because Hardy needs to take his summer vacation to reha--, er, home for some rest and detoxifi--, I mean, relaxation.
Morgan: Well, aren't you funny... I say Jeff wins because no one cares about Punk anyway.
Marx: So says the girl who slept outside Best Buy all night to buy 12 Rounds when it came out in the morning. Alone mind you, which is probably how you'll spend the rest of your miserable unicorn-dream life. And speaking of 12 Rounds, let's look at the star....
WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: RANDY ORTON (C) VS. TRIPLE H VS. JOHN CENA
Morgan: CENA!
Marx: ......
Morgan: Another wrestler you hate because he's better looking than you and a face. The entire IWC hates everyone with those qualities. It's sad. You don't see me hating Maria because she's pretty.
Marx: Maria used to blow CM Punk. She'd get a mouthful of Pepsi jizz every time.
Morgan: What does that have to do with the match? Or do you need to speak about pecker-juice at least once a day, to be completely fulfilled?
Marx: Let's not question who speaks of what and his obsessions with it. Let's just say that I am NOT looking forward to this played out farce of a so-called 'main event'. Thank god for Punk and Hardy, at least we'll get psychology and workrate.
Morgan: You just thanked God for Jeff, and you can't take it back.
Marx: STOP SHOOTING LOGIC HOLES IN ME! Look, you've done nothing but make this miserable for me when all I want to do is give the people who read TWF some knowledge and solid opinion! You've ruined THEIR day!
Morgan: Funny, you've ruined MY life. But, seeing as we're supposed to be talking about wrestling, I say Trips and Cena will have a great match. These two guys will have a nice clean match, which will showcase each of their talents. I have a feeling it'll be a contender for MOTY!
Marx: If murder was legal, I'd have booked your funeral in advance and choked you out with the Kata Hija Mae. That's the Tazmission, you uneducated frothing whore! Anyway, I pick Orton to win because I don't care.
Morgan: Wow! I forgot Orton was even in this match! Says a lot for his character... I vote Cena, because I love him.
Marx: And that's all the energy I have for this garbage. I'm Marx Rayner.
Morgan: And I'm the completely lovable Morgan Rayner! Swantons and kisses for all!
Marx: We'll try and do better another time. Fuck my life.
Marx Rayner spends his
days watching wrestling and bitching about it
afterward. His nights are pretty much the same,
except he bitches while watching it. His mavenism of
the business has left him with no time for dating,
social activity, or proper hygiene, but he assures
us that this is strictly by choice. His myspace is http://www.myspace.com/pwn3dbymarx , and encourages you
to be his friend. He'd do the same for you.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
