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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (September 2008)

September 01, 2008
September 15, 2008
September 22, 2008
September 29, 2008

WWE RAW RANT: (09/01/08) By Cameron Burge

It’s labor day, which usually means we all get a free day off from work, but in actuality it seems to neither apply to me nor to the WWE. In addition, if the programming continues to be as hard to watch as it has been recently, you might want to qualify just tuning into the show as work and ask Vince for your paycheck today. So I’m watching the tennis before the show and they tried their darndest to say something witty about wrestling and Vince McMahon but it mostly boiled down to saying Vince is fat and/or has big biceps, which seems like an irrelevant and weird thing to be bringing up on a tennis program.

Raw 09.01.08

Tonight’s Raw is dedicated in memory of Killer Kowalski…..and then immediately switches to commercials with no actual Raw showing. So. Gay. Then suddenly we cut back to Orton walking down the announcer. Somebody fucked up somewhere. Way to fail. Why it had to be Orton we zoom in on is beyond me. Apparently they find it necessary to zoom in on his watch as he still has his arm in a sling, but the watch is way more important. He says he is still injured and has something he needs to get off his chest and Raw is only as strong as its champion, like how Raw was awesome with him as Champ. Lolwut? He says Raw is now a joke, starting with the Women’s Champion, calling her a lovesick teenager and this isn’t 90210. Oh I see what he did there! Mentioning a show that’s old but suddenly getting renewed now…He calls Santino the weakest IC champ in the history of the WWE. He says he could beat Santino with his broken clavicle, then calls the tag champs Worthless for losing their belts. Orton says CM Punk was wrestling in no name towns for a no name organization until recently. ECW? He says he would love to challenge for the belt tonight.

CM Punk comes out and says he doesn’t drink, smoke, or pop wheelies on motorcycles and kick his own ass. He calls Orton an afterthought. Actually, I never really find myself thinking of Orton after I have a thought. He calls Orton jealous which offends him. Orton is eventually sent off along his way but JBL arrives to save the day. Hey look that rhymed. JBL rambles on for a bit about winning when all I can really ponder is why does he wear that jacket and not pants? If he’s cold, wouldn’t it be beneficial to then put on some pants as well? Kane eventually comes out and says he’s been to hell didn’t see JBL’s clothesline anywhere. This crowd is messed up, they cheer for fucking everything everyone says, good or bad. Kane says Mysterio won’t be in the match or here tonight. Batista interrupts and spears everyone. What a dick.

Random Commercial Thought: Mickie James is going to be on Psych…..because why?

Back to the show. The Championship scramble participants will take part in a battle royal tonight and so will the ECW champion contenders…yay…..and here is…Charlie Cena coming to the ring? He says the Haas is here and we can’t se him, thank God. I was hoping I might have to.

Charlie Haas vs. Kofi Kingston

Haas actually manages to level Kingston and goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle but when he taunts, Kofi just kicks him in the forehead and proceeds to absolutely destroying him with every signature move he has until he runs into a big boot after the Boom Boom Boom. Haas tries an FU but Kingston rolls him up. Haas rolls through with the ropes but its so blatant it doesn’t work and he eats the Trouble in Paradise.
Winner: Kingston

Hope you didn’t blink because it’s time for more commercials already.

Random Commercial Thought: Banging Cock is very dangerous.

Back to the show. Orton runs into Cody and Ted in the back and Orton asks Cody if he remembers how he slapped dusty in the face. Cody says yes and is about to respond when Orton bitchslaps him hardcore. He tells them to grow some balls and get their belts back. Adamle is in the back with Teddy Long and some bitch I don’t know. They talk about the battle royals. Adamle says this is like a Jerry Lewis Telethon without the sick kids. This causes an awkward moment when Kane arrives. He wants to know what rock Rey crawled out from under. Adamle says he made the announcement hoping that Rey will come back anyway.

Off to ringside as Matt Hardy arrives. He’s followed by Finlay and his midget which does nothing but bring me scary memories of having Hornswoggle on Raw.

Random Commercial Thought: Forbidden Kingdom was freaking terrible, just so bad it made me want to hurt someone. The only redeeming quality is that someone who worked on the movie had the name “Dick Tso Kin”.

Back to the show. You have to be kidding me that the Miz is going to be in the Scramble. Seriously? What. The. Hell. Is that a elephant on Henry’s back?

ECW Scramble Battle Royal

Everyone gangs up on Henry and attacks, beating the shit out of him. Henry starts clubbing back and tosses them all off like he’s Goku doing a force push. Miz and Hardy double team with a double DDT and start dropping elbows while Chavo and Finley brawl until Finlay uses Chavo as a weapon to beat Henry with. Chavo gets hit by the Celtic Cross and Miz goes to eliminate Finlay but Hardy delivers a side effect. Hardy tries to eliminate both but utterly fails. Story of his life. Henry eventually eliminates both Chavo and Miz simultaneously and body splashes Finlay, kicking Hardy around like a pussy. Crowd is hot for Hardy who is just chilling until he dodges a corner charge. Finlay and Hardy try to dump him but fail and Henry tosses Finlay. Hardy starts to attack Henry and delivers punches and dropkicks. Her jumps out of the corner with a double axe handle and tries the Twist of Fat but Henry just tosses him out of it over the ropes.
Winner: Henry

Random Commercial Thought: For 100 years they have been moving America…which means soon we’ll be bumping against England, and they’ll start breeding with us and fucking up our teeth.

Back to the show. Jamie Noble actually gets an introduction this time as he tells Layla he’s gonna do it this time. Layla sits off to the side and looks pretty while Regal arrives. Regal’s little Elton John vest cracks me up.

William Regal vs. Jamie Noble

Regal just destroys Noble and tosses him all around the ring, grinding his knee into the face. Regal puts on a Full Nelson that is totally not a Masterlock. Noble kicks and elbows out only for Regal to try and pin him but Noble reverses it for two. Regal just decks him with a left hand. Regal nails a running knee in the corner and stomps him down. Back to the full nelson, this time doing a full nelson suplex. Noble small packages Regal for the win.
Winner: Noble


Random Commercial Thought: Night Elfs should all have Mohawks.

Back to the show. Jillian is in the ring which means it’s time to find that mute button. Her partners are there too, but she is singing about doing something we want her to do, take off all her clothes. That would make this more tolerable at least. Mickie comes to the ring to save all ears everywhere. Beth arrives last and wants Randy Orton to take a close look at this. She rants about herself for a bit. Candice Michelle appears (level 42) to shut her up.

Mickie James & Kelly Kelly & Candice Michelle vs. Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall & Katie Lea Burchill (Six-woman Tag Match)

Katie starts off with Kelly and works her down to the mat for a quick two count. Kelly backflips out of a leg grab and dropkicks before tagging in Mickie. Mickie comes off the top with her lou thesz press which is the only bad way to get your head between her thighs. Mickie finds herself forced to the corner and Jillian tags in. Mickie tries to fight her way free and  delivers a head scissors to Jillian, but before she can, Beth pulls her off, causing it to bomb. Jillian pressures her with suplexes. Beth tags in and does a basic pummeling before tagging back out to Katie. Katie is only in a bit before tagging in Jillian and delivering a double team that utterly backfires. Mickie tries to crawl to the corner but Beth is in. Mickie breaks away to the tag anyway and Candice starts fighting off Beth. There is the most awkward stupid head scissors ever and they both fuck it up bad. Candice just looks terribly sloppy while she attacks. It’s bad. Real bad.
 Candice goes up top but the heels try to pull her down only for the face divas to stop them. Candice lands a cross body and Beth rolls through, lifting her up only to get rolled up by Candice. Hmm, I think I just saw this…
Winners: Kelly, Candice & Mickie

There’s a very long video package about Jericho and Michaels to try and hype the contract signing that absolutely no one cares about.

Random Commercial Thought: You can hurl lightning by getting a stun glove.

Back to the show. Santino says Randy Orton is a son of a gun, which begs the question of how a gun could have possibly had sex with Bob Orton. Santino debuts the Honk-a-meter in which he will try to make it 62 more weeks and become the greatest IC champ of all time. His opponent for tonight is the spirit of the 90’s, D’Lo.

D’Lo Brown vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella (Non-title Match)

Santino goes to D’Lo hard and pummels him to the corner but D’Lo delivers a bitch slap. Santino fights back and comes off the rope by a side dropkick levels him. D’Lo crushes Santino in the corner for two and dodges a dropkick from Santino. D’Lo delivers a shining wizard (the fuck?) and goes up top with the Lo Down, but Santino dodges and pins for three.
Winner: Santino

Random Commercial Thought: The commercial for Mercenaries 2 is funny as hell.

Back to the show. Apparently the Miz didn’t get enough ass kicking earlier and is out with Morrison to take on Cryme Tyme who come with their belts to make it ever so convenient for someone to steal them back hmmm….

The match doesn’t even get started before Miz and Morrison fight them on the ramp and Cody and Ted attack from behind. It doesn’t end well, with JTG getting a DDT onto the belt. Does anyone else find it odd that Cody and Ted use words like “hoodlum” if their gimmick is being young and cocky? Last I checked young people aren’t afraid to cuss and be jackasses and use words more current than the 1920’s. They eventually meet Orton in the back after an interview with Batista that is pointless and just nod or something lame like that. You can feel the lack of charisma sucking us in. Off to ringside where Batista is on the way in.

Random Commercial Thought: Bush isn’t that fat.

Back to the show with the rest of the entrants, minus Mysterio getting it on.

Raw Scramble Battle Royal (Minus Rey Mysterio)

Punk pairs off with Batista getting his ass kicked while Kane takes down JBL Batista has Punk rocking but his momentum gets turned against him and he very quickly is sent to the floor. JBL knocks down Kane and breaks away only to run himself out as well in much the same manner. Punk proceeds to have his ass handed to him on a silver platter by Kane. Kane does that lame “I’m holding you up but trying to dump you” thing and the crowd chants 619. Kane misses a corner charge and takes three Pepsi Ones. Kane then just casually clotheslines him back. Punk stops another elimination and tries he GTS, but Kane grabs the ropes and tosses him. Punk lands on the apron and springboards back in only to be choke slammed over the ropes.
Winner: Kane

Orton was at ringside and stares Punk down after applauding and Punk knocks his ass out. Cue Rey Mysterio whom no one bothered to tell when his match was I guess so he’s really late. Rey goes for the legs on Kane and delivers a dropkick to his face before takes out his legs and mashing his face to the mat then mounting for some punches. Kane tosses him off but Kane gets tripped, but he dodges the 619. Mysterio delivers a dropkick through the ropes and Kane tries a power bomb on the outside. Mysterio flips out and pushes him face first into the ring post then delivers a 619 around the post. Awesome. Kane tries a chokes lame on the ring barricade and Mysterio escapes with a hurricanrana.

Random Commercial Thought: I had to take a shit. Sue me.

Since I was too busy taking an EPIC crap and missed most of this final segment. I can pretty much imagine it all for you and here it is:

Shawn Michaels: “Blah blah blah my eye blah blah blah my wife blah blah blah gay porn blah blah Jesus blah blah hurt you.”
Jericho: “Yabber yabber yabber your fault yabber yabber yabber no one pays attention to me yabber yabber yabber I’m like Weegee yabber yabber yabber your wife’s fault.”

Something like that. Where I cam in, they made all the security leave the ring and had an exchange of words that involved talking more about their families and mutilating each other like it’s the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Shawn says he will tell his kids one day of the day he was close to turning the other cheek (to get that eye fucked up to?) but instead decided to kick Evil’s ass. Oh, so now he’s the embodiment of evil? He says it will rain down on Jericho at Unforgiven and with no Remorse (which is basically the same thing as unforgiven which isn‘t even a freaking word). He says he hopes God will forgive him someday for what he will do to him. God doesn’t forgive Pro Wrestling for what it did to good writing. Cade then tries to attack from behind but gets his ass kicked. Jericho pulls Michaels out of the ring on his head and Michaels gets pissed so he destroys Cade some more as Jericho makes a break for it and the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Mysterio comes back with some very entertaining maneuvers, showing he should put on a good performance in the Scramble this Sunday.

Lowlight of the Night: The contract signing was the most boring and pointless thing ever and I didn’t even see it all.

WWE “Creative” Award: Batista is a man of few (Read: Zero) words and he will “destroy everyone”…..and then be eliminated first?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (09/15/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the best Damn Raw Rant, COMMA! Hmm, close enough. I apologizing for missing a few things in last week’s Raw Rant, namely Kane bringing out his old mask during his bit with Rey Rey. I was sick and therefore I get to make all the excuses I want. This is America. Fuck yeah. Tonight, Punk and Jericho will take each other on in a steel cage. It promises to be a good one so I’m actually rather excited for tonight’s show for the first time in quite a long while. Try not to fuck it up for me guys. Tonight’s we’ll be live from Memphis, land of Jerry the King Lawler and white guys with bad hair who steal catchy songs from black guys.

Raw  09.15.08

The show opens with….the cage? That’s right we’re going to open the show with the cage match so that everything else can feel shallow and unimportant I guess. That’s kind of weird. Michael Cole is rubbernecking like he’s never seen a steel cage in his life before while Jillian explains the rules for those of you who only started watching wrestling yesterday. CM Punk is first out. Wearing his belt and arm bandage to the ring, Jericho looks like some kind of gay, pants less, Cowboy Bob Orton. While Jericho takes his dear sweet time getting to the ring they replay how he won the belt.

CM Punk vs. World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho (World Heavyweight Title Cage Match)

Whoever decided too men rubbing their noses together like Eskimos and scowling is a good way t show they hate each other should probably rethink their outlook on life. Punk goes straight to the arm and starts to kick Jericho around the ring. Rather than use the cage, he proceeds to fight normally for a while but when he tosses Jericho to a corner he tries to run away and climb the cage quickly. Punk catches him and walks the ropes as they fight up high, punching each other lightly. Jericho finally just gets kicked in the head and falls down. Punk tries to climb out ever so slow and Jericho drags him back in. The crowd is rallying big for Punk. Back on the ground finally and more kicks from Punk. Side dropkick levels Jericho and sets up for the Pepsi One. The bulldog hits and Punk signals a GTS. Jericho grabs the ropes and blocks so Punk dumps him over into the cage instead. Lulz, FU.

Random Commercial Thought: SCRATCHY TOWELS? OMFG!

Back to the match. During the break Punk tried to crawl out the door but Jericho dragged him back by the legs and started to work them with ankle locks. Take that Angle. Punk tries a drop kick but Jericho rebounds with a trip into the Walls of Jericho. I tripped into the Walls of Jericho once but some Jew with a horn broke them before I got hurt. Punk crawls along the mat and actually makes it to the door. He starts to climb out and is flailing to the floor with Jericho only holding one leg, but Jericho finally catches the door and shuts it on Punk’s head. Punk rallies back finally with lots of hard kicks to the chest, grounding Jericho but when he charges in, he gets slung into the cage head first. It’s worth noting that if you ever see a steel cage rushing toward your face, you should turn around. Jericho climbs to the top but Punk rushes up and catches him for a GTS from the top. Jericho slips free but they knock head to the cage and fall. Punk
 picks up a two count.

Jericho rallying back now as I wonder why the fuck these guys climb so damn slow when they move so quickly the rest of the time. All wrestlers never learned to climb. Punk stops another Jericho escape attempt with an Electric Chair Drop. Both men crawl for the door and Jericho just….sort of tumbles out the door when Punk head butts him. Wow.
Winner: Jericho

Random Commercial Thought: Everyone should play pokemon. Raising little monsters for bloodsport is not a kids game.

Back to the show where Adamle is talking to some random schmuck in the back when he runs into Jericho and Jericho whines about No Mercy because he’s too tired. Aw. Elsewhere, Bald Kane gets a slow 360 degree angle to his mask as the crowd freaks for it. Someone forgot to give him his makeup to make it look cool. Kane says he was forced to remove his mask and no one forces him to do anything. He says he did it to be accepted. What? I remember it being completely different. Bullshit. The old Kane theme plays while he rants and whines like a bald bitch. He also talks about how we all wear masks. Wow, existentialism from a hulking psychopath? That would have made Leather face a much deeper character I suppose. As he’s ranting he’s interrupted by Evan Bourne who wants to say Rey is going to beat him tonight. Kane just laughs. I almost didn’t even remember who Evan Bourne was he’s so damned generic looking. GET A PERSONALITY. Also for our listening
 pleasure, Jillian is singing Elvis songs.

Random Commercial Thought: Ah, a sweet temporary escape.

Aaaand back to the horrid singing. God I wish this gimmick was over. Candice finally stops it by coming out but she’s being followed by Beth who goes to sit at ringside.

Candice Michelle vs. Jillian Hall

Candice tries to fail less than she did last time around at Botchamania. She lands a springboard forearm, but Jillian rallies back with a Samoan drop and starts pulling hair and working her into the ropes. Full Nelson from Jillian with lots of annoying screaming and utter apathy from the crowd. Candice escapes by dropping to her ass and the announcers try to talk to cover the completely silence from the crowd during this matchup. They should get some cricket. Candice comes back and screams and the crowd screams back for a moment. She delivers a dropkick or something like that for two. Jillian comes back with a back body drop while the crowd is beginning to wonder when the fuck this will end. Cartwheel, handspring elbow from Jillian and Candice “catches” her before winning with the “Candy Wrapper” if that’s what her finisher is called I guess.
Winner: Candice

Candice invites Beth into the ring and when she tries to get in, she just dropkicks her back out. Cheap bitch. Beth decides to say fuck it and just leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: Strydex has two solutions. Hopefully you only have two problems.

Back to the show.

JBL is here. Tommy Dreamer is here, or rather, what is left of Tommy Dreamer’s career is.

Tommy Dreamer vs. JBL

Tommy gets his ass kicked for a while with big boots and rights. Dreamer delivers a kick to the gut and a neck breaker in seemingly slow motion for a two count. Dreamer whips JBL into the ropes but JBL ducks the clothesline and delivers a Clothesline from Hell. COD.
Winner: JBL

Jibble grabs a chair and brings it out but just sets it down open in the ring and has a seat for a moment before getting a microphone. He demands to be the #1 contender for the title or he won’t leave until Adamle says so….and he sits there….commercial time!

Random Commercial Thought: And now a word from our sponsors which are not steroid companies. Nope.

Back to the show where JBL is whining that he deserves a title shot more than anyone. Orton’s voices interrupt him instead. I have voices in my head too. I can’t understand what they’re saying though because they speak Spanish. They should gets jobs. Orton talks about how JBL is no better than Punk and when he finally gets his shot he’ll be the only credible title holder. Marella and Beth interrupt for Santino to say that Orton is injured as often as his father meanwhile Santino’s dad’s worst case was herpes that he managed quite nicely. Too bad it wasn’t crabs. They could have boiled and ate them. Santino demands an apology. Orton says he can beat him with or without an injury but JBL demands an apology too. He brings up knocking out Batista, which of course coaxes Batista out. Batista has something to say before kicking everyone’s ass. I don’t know, I think Beth can take him. He says this is the most pathetic thing he’s ever scene
 and tries to make social commentary. He goes on to threaten to Kick. Everyone’s. Ass. He offers Beth Phoenix a title shot but not Santino. I’d pay to see that. Adamle attempts to diffuse the situation and Batista decides to make his case now. Santino gets a spine buster as everyone else leaves and Beth bitchslaps Batista. Dyaaaaamn. He gets back up in her face and she slaps him again. When he tries to leave she pulls him back and so she eats a spine buster.

In the back, Orton bumps into the tag team champs and their Samoan Slave boy.

Random Commercial Thought: Quarantine looks to be a hit or miss movie. We’ll see.

Back to the show where the champs and Manu are out (of the closet in those outfits). They will be taking on Kofi Kingston and….Jerry the King Lawler? Oh…my…god. I want to cry now….and Jim Ross? Oh…it’s Jim Haas. This is…oh Jesus. He spouts every Jim Ross joke possible but it goes over like a lead balloon. Speaking of lead balloons, that’s what it looks like he tucked under his shirt.

Kofi Kingston & Jerry Lawler & Charlie Haas vs. Manu & World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase

Kingston starts off with Manu and seems to have the advantage. Manu quickly tags out to Cody who gets his ass owned with a hip toss. Kingston drags him to the corner and tags out to King who delivers a big right and a back body drop and the World’s Oldest Dropick. Cody comes back with a short punch and a big bulldog for two. They try some mat wrestling but Lawler bends about as well as a steel rod. Jim Haas gets on the microphone for a bit for commentary before Jerry escapes and tags him in. Haas delivers some strong shots to Dibiase as he tags in and belly flops for two. Wow. Cody breaks up the count and Jerry and Kingston eliminate Cody and Many. Haas tries to deliver an Oklahoma Stampede but Dibiase slips out into a Russian Leg Sweep for the win.
Winners: Rhodes, Dibiase, Manu

Video footage of Smackdown plays, which is kind of pointless since it just wastes our time and affects nothing. Jericho is approached in the back by JBL about a title shot but he says he remembers who JBL cost him the title against Orton still. He basically tells him to go fuck himself. If he can do this, I might actually like some documentation, but please no pictures.

Random Commercial Thought: New movies from the guy who did Shaun of the Dead? I’m there.

Back to the show. Replay of Jamie Noble and his Gold-digger experience. Noble comes out looking depressed, set to take on Paul Burchill in biker gear. Has he got some kind of thing against the British now?

Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea vs. Jamie Noble

Noble attacks hard and fast, hammering Burchill into the ground and  delivering big reverse elbows. He looks like he’s going Incredible Hulk on him here. Noble delivers several head butts but Burchill manhandles him and delivers some uppercuts. Noble dodges a corner charge and slips outside into a rollover Arm Bar. Wow! I haven’t seen one of those in years.
Winner by fucking submission: Jamie Noble

Noble celebrates how awesome he is. Layla interrupts with a new fake accent and says she is sorry that she took so long to get rid of him. She asks him where he was going to take her and it’s over and now she’s found a man who is worthy of her. Speaking of big dicks (lol) here is William Regal. Ha he rubs it in his face a little while some random redneck chants for USA.

Elsewhere, Cade is talking to Adamle when Batista breaks in and demands to be the number one contender. Cade asks him what makes him thinks it’s him and gets his ass tossed around. Cade is looking more and more like he belongs on Home Make-over these days.

Random Commercial Thought: There is no cow level.

Back to the show where Kane is coming to the ring, but without his mask which is full of failure. To keep teasing putting on his mask at this point is just annoying. Rey follows him out to the ring and Kane is grinning and chuckling. I guess he just remember a really funny dead baby joke. What’s worse than a hundred dead babies stapled to a tree? One dead baby stapled to a thousand trees.

Rey Mysterio vs. Kane

Kane tries to catch Rey early on and when Rey goes for a headscissors, he can’t bring him down, Kane just holding him upside down. Rey flips up into mounted punches and brings Kane down only to begin getting stomped around himself. Kane tosses Rey to the floor who doesn’t even seem phased. Kane goes to follow only for Rey to flip in and kick him to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s a little known fact that William Shatner is in fact a ninja.

Back to the show where during the break Kane took a Tornado DDT on the outside but is now grounding Rey with a headlock. Nothing says sadistic like a headlock. Just ask anyone on death row. Rey escapes and comes back with mounted punches in the corner, running back in each time Kane tries to throw him off. Kane finally slides Rey along the ground to smack belly first into the ring post. Kane goes on offense and kicks Rey all around the ring while the crowd chants 619. Finally, Kane hangs himself up in the corner with a running kick. Rey attacks the leg and uses that little body scissor into bull dog thing he does a lot and picks up two. Kane takes a head scissors into the corner and Rey goes up top as slow as he possibly can. He must have got pointers from the cage match. Kane just catches him out of a cross body but Rey escapes and delivers an enziguiri setting up the 619 but he runs right into a clothesline. Kane proceeds to stomp Rey until he gets
Winner: Mysterio

Kane tries to tear off Rey’s mask but Evan Bourne rushes in and makes the save with fast drop kicks, both he and Rey delivering some high flying offense to punish Kane before they escape. In the back, Jericho and Cade run into some random dude who’s name I still didn’t catch. He just screams “Unimportant”. They practically ignore his introduction as well as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Everybody knows Snoop Dogg is too high to play video games.

Back to the show which only has about three minutes actually left. Cade randomly gets announced BEFORE Jericho which is kind of funny as I can’t even remember the last match Cade had on Raw. Was it against Paul London? Jericho says he believe JBL should face Batista at No Mercy and then he faces the winner immediately after, saying he had to go through the same thing and is the best in the World. He’s also in a league of his own….with Rosie O’ Donnel? Adamle keeps stumbling over his words as he tries to tell us what is happened. My God, get to the point and shut the fuck up. Basically he doesn’t want Batista and JBL to fight Jericho after their match. Instead they will fight him later but first Jericho will defend his title on No Mercy against…………extremely fucking long pause is here. ….In fact it just keeps going let’s go. The crowd is getting pissed and Booing their asses off now as they wait and begin to chant for HBK. Finally, when the crowd gets that hint, Shawn Michaels comes out. Oh wow. I’m shocked. /sarcasm. Michaels teases what his match type will be and has to be reminded by some stage hands what type of match it is by having them bring out a ladder. Gosh. I wonder what type of match it is. Meanwhile, Shawn is climbing the ladder. We’re running really late right now. Oh, it’s a ladder match.

Highlight of the Night: The Cage match was great and entertaining though it sold Punk a little short, making him look awkward as he didn’t appear on the show again at all.

Lowlight of the Night: Every time the crowd went silent. It was dreadfully obvious they paced the show badly and the crowd echoed this frustration.

WWE “Creative” Award: If Shawn is allowed to challenge for the title despite “quitting” and only being allowed to wrestle an unsanctioned match before, it makes no sense he wasn’t allowed to be in the Scramble over Jericho.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (09/22/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. I’m sure you all spent your week in the depths of despair, wailing pitifully for when you would get to read something written by me again. Or at least that’s how I like to imagine it while I chuckle to myself. Tonight’s Raw is episode 800. This has absolutely no significance whatsoever but WWE felt like noting it to us. Just thank God they didn’t decide to celebrate by adding 798 more hours to the broadcast. Tonight we’ll be following up on the Michaels/Jericho Ladder match because as we all know, Michaels Revolutionized the ladder match when he freed the ladders from the British.

Raw 9.22.08

The show opens with a  shot of the belt hanging over the ring over a ladder before Jericho makes his entrance. Jericho climbs up and crotch-rides the top of the ladder. There goes that suit. He sets the record straight about their respective histories in ladder matches, stating he’s won more than Shawn has ever been in. He reenacts what it will be like when he wins. Jericho goes on to talk about his favorite subject (him) some more, Orton eventually interrupts. Randy Orton has to have the biggest record for being in the spotlight when unable to wrestle at all these days. Orton says the winner will be on borrowed time after No Mercy. How do you borrow time? Is there a Time Pawn Shop? Orton tells Jericho when he threatens him that Adamle has granted Orton immunity from harm in exchange for not hitting anyone himself, otherwise the person will be suspended. Jericho gets up in his face. Orton tells him to fuck off and tosses his ladder out of the ring.
 After Jericho leaves, Punk arrives and decks Orton. Adamle is shortly behind to suspend him….and right behind him is Shane McMahon. It’s like a fucking parade.

Shane asks if he’s surprised to see him. Shane says he’s overruling the suspension, which has to be the fastest undoing of anything ever. Orton gets pissed and whines about this, saying he can’t do that. Shane reminds him that he can. Owned. Shane tells Orton to take a hike and makes a couple of matches, one for Punk and Rhodes and the other for Batista/HBK against Jericho/JBL. Everyone gets one acronym I guess.

Random Commercial Thought: Scratchy Towels are the 3492nd leading cause of severe discomfort amongst some old people.

Back to the show. Punk is already in the ring and waiting as Cody arrives.

World Tag Team Champion Cody Rhodes vs. CM Punk

The match starts off as slow and boring as you might expect a Cody Rhodes match to start. Lots of headlocks and yelling. Cody tries a leap over in the corner, but Punk ground him. Punk delivers a kick to the head and tries for the Pepsi One, but Cody ducks out of the way and dumps him to the floor. Cody tries to follow out and Punk delivers several kicks to him on the apron. Back on the floor, Cody regains control by slamming Punk’s head into the apron. Back in the ring, Cody delivers a cross body but Punk rolls through for two and starts to deliver mounted wild punches. The announcers are talking a lot about Shane. I’m just glad Shane finally bothered to disguise some of that snow top grey he’s got going on. Cody is forcing Punk to the corner, in control, but Punk pushes him off and scoops up for a GTS. Cody slips out and rolls to the floor.

Random Commercial Thought: More House is usually just referred to as an “addition.”

Back to the match where Punk is getting worked down by his leg. Apparently he got messed up out of a top rope maneuver during the break as well as Rhodes giving him a forward flipping kick to the head which would have looked cool if he didn’t hardly leave the ground at all by doing it. Punk rolls out of Rhode’s hold into his own Ankle Lock that is not totally exactly like Kurt Angle’s. Not even. Cody makes the ropes though in the end. Punk winds up and starts delivers slaps and backhands into an enziguiri. More series of kicks and a rising knee set up for the Pepsi One. Cody escapes the bulldog but sliding to his knees, but Punk just scoops him up into the GTS.
Winner: Punk

Post match, Manu and Dibiase attack, but Kingston makes the save.

Random Commercial Thought: This commercial break brought to you by the people who want to make you think you have every disease known to man.

Back to the show where we see the Cincinnati Bengals are here, despite there being no Bengals in Cincinnati. Also, a Smackdown Rebound about Vladimir. Kane barges in on Adamle and Shane to demand Mysterio. Adamle makes a match at No Mercy and discusses the history of Testicular torture that Kane and Shane have. Kelly is in the back and meet sup with Beth and a Santino wearing a face protector. They accuse her of laughing at them last week. Batista interrupts them and Beth says Santino will fuck his face up. Santino looks not so confident but his music starts playing so he makes an excuse for his match starting and runs faster than a white man in down town Chicago.

Random Commercial Thought: Regal apparently owns a car company.

Santino says the replay of how his face got fucked up is not funny before bringing up the Honky Donky man and his Honk-a-mete. His opponent is….Deuce? Deuce interrupts with is boring ass music and lack of any heat whatsoever. Santino says there is one thing he needs to say before the match starts. He hopes Batista is watching, he’s going to beat his as like he will Fonzy here. The Happy Days are over. Well, the theme always did say Monday was one of those happy days.

Deuce vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella (Non-title Match)

Deuce forces him around the ring and busts his face, dropping a fist on the ground into his nose for a two count. Santino hits his head on Deuce and gets scooped up for a Powerslam, but slips free into a rollup for three.
Winner: Santino

Deuce seems puzzled. Santino declares early victory for Beth later and goes for a kiss with her on the apron which knocks his nose painfully. Ouch.

Random Commercial Thought: Vern Troyer probably really plays as a Tauren (that‘s what those stupid things are called right?) and not a gnome. I just have trouble believing he like reminding himself constantly that he’s a disfigured freak of nature.

Back to the show. Instant replay action (and by instant, I mean a week later) of Rey and Bourne taking on Kane. Speaking of Kane The Midget Conqueror, here he comes.

Kane vs. Evan Bourne

Bourne starts off fast, flipping around and staying out of reach. Kane tries to catch him, but Bourne flips around on him like a spider, slipping free. On the apron, Bourne gets dumped off  but causes Kane to hang himself up on the rope after a running kick. Bourne tosses himself from the top turnbuckle into a moonsault. Back in the ring, he flies into a double knee to the head for two. Bourne gets tossed up into an uppercut from Kane that just looks really cool. Back in the corner, Kane gets pissed and stomps Bourne into the floor. Tilt a whirl back breaker, follows into multiple back breakers. Kane powerslams Bourne into the corner and finally puts him down with another running Powerslam into the middle of the ring. Chokeslam ends it.
Winner: Kane

Post match, Mysterio tries to rescue Bourne, but after a series of kicks, he attempts a springboard cross body and is kicked in mid-flight, flying around through the air and eating a choke slam. Elsewhere, Jamie Noble is begging Shane for another match with Regal when Ziggler, that weird blonde dude shows up to introduce himself and shake everyone’s hands. Okaaaay? Orton then interrupts to tell Shane what he did earlier was not cool (somewhere, Carlito spit an apple). Orton tells him it would be a real shame if some how they ended up on each others bad side, saying Shane is the other most influential third gen superstar. Shane points out he’s in fact a fourth gen and says it really would be a shame before wandering off to touch up his dye job.

Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck does starter wife even mean?

Back to the show. Beth is out with Santino. She’ll be taking on Kelly and what’s left of her pants.

Kelly Kelly vs. Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix w/ Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella (Non-title Match)

Kelly gets dragged around by the head and hair, but out of the corner, Kelly kicks and punches and wrenches the arm, jumping off the top rope with a back flip for the wrench, but back in the center of the ring, her offense is shut down. Beth beats Kelly around and works her arm and neck as we see Candice watching in the back like we care. She should be out learning how to fucking wrestle again. Kelly catches Beth with a cross body out of the corner, but only gets one. Santino trips her up and dsitracts but Kelly dodges the shot from behind. Beth almost crashes into Santino and he falls the groud crying in fear. This allows a rollup by Kelly.
Winner: Kelly

After the match, Beth and Santino decide to beat Kelly’s ass when Batista comes down to see if Santino will make good on his threats. Santino hides behind Beth who gets in Batista’s face and attacks from behind her. Batista makes him hurt himself with his own mask before delivering a spear and leaving. We get a replay of the Internet Drama between Mix & Morrison and Cryme Tyme. (Internets Serious Business)

Random Commercial Thought: Sonic, king of speed, takes his games to the next logical steps….turn based RPG? WTF?

Back to the show. Miz & Morrison are out now, but separately so Miz gets to move in normal speed. What the hell is with that walk? Cryme Tyme is out next to finally start us off.

Cryme Tyme vs. The Miz & John Morrison

JTG starts off with Morrison and gains the early advantage before tagging out to Shad. Shad bench presses Morrison and throws him around. It doesn’t take long for everyone to get in the ring with Cryme Tyme crushing Morrison and Miz to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: D-d-d-dange, watch behind you. There’s a stranger out to find you.

Back to the show where JTG has his head in Morrison’s crotch and doesn’t seem to like it much. Good thing, I wouldn’t either and if he did, I might be worried. Morrison stomps JTG down as he escapes the hold and tags in Miz. Double teaming ensues and Miz delivers a big running clothesline to the corner for two. Morrison and Miz isolate JTG in the corner, but he finally breaks free into the tag. Shad destroys both men and JTG takes a dive with Morrison to the floor. Miz tries to roll up Shad from behind, but he kicks out. Shad delivers a big slam and picks up two for himself. Miz forces Shad to the rope but is tossed off while Morrison eliminates JTG into the ring post. Back on the apron, Morrison kicks Shad in the back of the head and Miz gets the three.
Winners: Miz & Morrison

Random Commercial Thought: I really recommend everyone picking up the MR. Perfect DVD.

Back to the show where Jericho is telling Adamle that Shane want shim to spin his ideas to make them better. He’s about to pitch a spin when we cut to the announcers to pimp the No Mercy card. We get a video of Charlie Haas going out to pay tribute to Mr. Perfect. He goes on to perform fucked up versions of Perfect’s Perfect Skill shows he used to do. This includes losing to a child in Table Hockey and sucking at DDR.

Random Commercial Thought: Burger King cures amnesia.

Back to the show. Lillian is out to announce the main event and we learn that Lance Cade has been added to Jericho’s team. Oh wow, this is Lance’s first match in forever. Too bad he’s going to get ass-raped almost as bad as he did when he applied for his job.

World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho & Lance Cade & JBL vs. Batista & Shawn Michaels (Handicap Tag Match)

Cade starts off with HBK. Michaels forces Cade to the corner and they stare down. They start to brawl, taking turns punching each other out before Michaels is turned inside out in the corner. Michaels tackles Cade back, but JBL clothesline him from the apron. Jericho tags in and chokes him out. JBL and Jericho start to take turns beating Michaels down, picking up two counts here and there. Two counts are just lying around waiting to be picked up these days you know. JBL puts an abdominals stretch on Michaels that puts him in a hilarious ballerina pose. Cade tags back in and chokes Michaels out in the corner with his boot and a series of distractions allow Jericho to choke Michaels from behind as well. Michaels crawls back to the center and begins to Brawl with JBL who just tagged in. JBL runs Michaels over and JBL cheap shots Batista to distract the ref and allow cheap shots from Jericho on Michaels. This gets another two count.

HBK comes back with rights and chops, but is caught in a fall-away slam. Michaels counters it into a DDT. Michaels makes the tag and Batista destroys everyone. Jericho takes a spear and a powerslams into an elbow from Michaels. Michaels  goes for sweet Chin Music but Jericho counters into the Walls, but Michaels counters as well into a rollup. Jericho tries a code breaker and this is countered into a victory roll for another two when JBL breaks it. Batista tries a Batista Bomb on JBL, but is tossed to the floor. JBL eats a spear on the floor while Jericho goes for a lionsault on Michaels and bombs it. Cade tags in and Michaels hits him with a flying forearm into a nip up. Michaels signals more Music and scares Jericho out with it, but Cade crushes him with that weird finisher he has for the win.
Winners: Cade, Jericho & JBL

Highlight of the Night: Santino gets a facemask. Awesome.

Lowlight of the Night: Punk goes from World Champion to wrestling Cody Rhodes. Not so awesome.

WWE “Creative” Award: Lance Cade? Seriously?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (09/29/08) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back Raw viewers (those of you left). Tonight is the hard sell for No Mercy. That’s right, another PPV show has rolled around already. WWE has NO MERCY FOR YOUR WALLET. Tonight, HBK picks up a mystery partner to take on Y2J and Lance “Nobody gives a shit about me” Cade. You guys will be missing me next week as I will be recuperating from a huge Super Smash Bros Brawl tournament in Houston where I fully plan on absolutely annihilating those bitches at the game. I’m that fucking good. Believe it.

Raw 09.29.08

Show opens with them and pyro as we are told there will be a preview of the My Network TV debut of Wrestlemania tonight (must be a short card and needed filler). We are then off to ringside for Batista. He is accosted by Santino and Beth. Santino notes that he and the Manimal (mmm Yogurt….oh wait that’s Danimals) finally meet. He brings up the Honk-a-meter and says he brought additional visual aids tonight. It’s a Brain Barometer. He says he has a lot of brain cells(10 trillion) but Batista is only using 12. He says Batista will be left in worse shape than the US Economy. Oh. My. God. That’s really bad.

Batista vs. Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella w/ Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix (Non-title Match)

Batista runs his ass over and begins to rape Santino in the corner with shoulder thrusts and clotheslines. Santino walks out into a spine buster and Batista signals a Batista Bomb before delivering it.
Winner: Batista

Beth gets up on the apron to talk some shit and JBL attacks with a Clothesline from Hell…but it’s actually from behind. Hell is usually below. Tard is in the back now to ask Shawn about his match. Shawn dismisses Cade pretty quickly before saying he’ll be winning the belt this Sunday. He says he won’t be teaming up with Batista, but instead, a man who considers himself a Real American…this gets no reaction so he tries a Texas Rattlesnake. He then offers a Best There Is, Was, And Never Will Be (LOLwut?). If he says “The Fact of the Matter Is” one more time…He also says he’s just going to find a partner that actually likes him (good luck with that).

Random Commercial Thought: I’m pretty sure the Umbrella company learned that quarantining zombies never works out well.

Back to the show where Cryme Tyme is out for JTG to wrestle one on one with The Miz. Somebody needs to get JTG a belt for Christmas this year. They show us these videos from online with Miz and Morrison doing incredibly bad sketches about bowel movement abortions or something. The internets are serious business.

The Miz w/ John Morrison vs. JTG w/ Shad

Miz starts off strong, but JTG powers back with flip over shoulder blocks and dancing. He delivers a flip over neck breaker on the ground after a dropkick for two. JTG uppercuts Miz out of an irish whip, but Miz hangs him up on the top rope and goes to work in the corner. Minimum wage. Miz crushes him in the corner then shows us all his crotch which I absolutely did not need. Miz goes for a headlock. JTG comes back with a pin for two out of nowhere and Miz runs him over with a clothesline into…another headlock. My God, it’s Randy Orton all over again. JTG blocks three attacks in a row that are thrown out so slowly a toddler could stop them. Leapfrog into a guillotine leg drop before JTG leaps up top with a tackling leg drop for two. JTG levels Miz again with an amazing wrap around clothesline/neck breaker and Morrison gets on the apron as Shad takes him down, but it’s enough distraction for a Reality Check from Miz.
Winner: Miz

Jamie Noble approaches Jillian Hall (and her enormously exposed tits) about joining him against Katie Lea and Paul Burchill. This is only after saying her voice makes him swallow his skull. She gives him a no and a song, but Dolph Ziggler whose name sucks by the way introduces himself to them as an interruption. Fantastic.

Random Commercial Thought: Bang Bang clunk scrape. Pyramid Head has come to rape.

Back to the show where Jamie Noble has come out to take on the Burchills who are already in the ring but Regal and his squeeze appear in a throne to watch from the entrance. Off with his head! Mickie James appears to lend a hand seeing as she’s the only face diva without a match tonight.

Jamie Noble & Mickie James vs. Katie Lea & Paul Burchill (Inter-gender Tag Match)

Noble gets hammered down by Burchill…the male one. Katie tags in and covers after a clothesline from Paul for two. She delivers a kick and keeps Jamie out of tag range. He finally grabs her by the leg and tosses her into a shot from Mickie before making the tag. Mickie takes Katie around the ring and delivers a snap mare only to be tripped by Paul from outside. Katie picks up another pair of two counts before working a hold on the ground. Mickie rallies up but is kicked back down into the hold. Mickie finally fights loose and gets in a neck breaker. Both women make the tags. Jamie knocks Pauls legs out and delivers clotheslines and a back drop. He points to Regal and goes up top with a Missile Dropkick for two when Katie breaks the pin. Mickie comes off the top with the Lou Thesz and tosses Katie. Paul comes back on offense against Jamie but is countered into a Northern Lights that Noble switches up into the Arm Bar for the win.
Winners: Noble and Mickie

Regal looks like he shirt his expensive pants.

Random Commercial Thought: The douche bag from Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist looks like a retard.

Back to the show. In the back, Cody, Ted, and their pet go on a search for Kane. They follow the random red glow and it works. They say since his Father is Paul Bearer, it makes him a second generation superstar like them….wow there’s reasoning for you, and some random continuity. Ted says he just wants to make sure they are all on the same page. He says he doesn’t take orders from anyone and the way he sees it, they should stay the fuck out of his way or there will be a lifeless pile of second generation carcasses in the ring. Wow. Lovely.

We get a replay of Lance Cade beating Michaels before Lance comes out to cut a promo. Oh shit. Blahblahblahshawnmichaelsblahblah. He says something about Jericho being a better mentor and wrestler. That’s basically all he says before he leaves. Kind of pointless to come out to say that. CM Punk is out now though for an 8-man tag match.

Random Commercial Thought: Drop a TV on your enemies.

Back to the show where the rest of the participants for our match arrive.

Kane is agreeable enough to stand on the apron when he didn’t want anyone in his way before, letting Manu start off with Bourne.

Kane & Manu & World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase vs. Rey Mysterio & Evan Bourne & CM Punk & Kofi Kingston (8-man Tag Match)

Bourne gets ran over for a while with a clothesline and big rights. Rey tags in and wraps around Bourne in an assisted dropkick to send Many to the floor. They then team up on the tag champs to send them to the floor and knock Kane to the apron. All the faces dive over the ropes onto the heels as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Max Payne will be ass. Utter ass.

Back to the match already in progress.

Bourne is being worked over on the ground by one of the Default moves from the generic CAW from Smackdown vs. Raw. Oh wait, that’s Cody Rhodes. Manu tags in and works the arm over some more, dragging Bourne away from a tag and slamming him down for two. Bourne delivers a kick and dives to tag to bring in CM Punk. CM Punk wastes no time in nailing a Pepsi One, but Ted comes along the apron to distract. Punk kicks him off, but Manu crushes the leg from behind and tags in Cody. Cody wrenches the leg and kicks at the knee. Dibiase tags in and Punk gets gangraped in the corner by everyone. Back to the leg holds. The action. The drama. Punk fights out of the corner now, but is overwhelmed and Rhodes tags back in for a double suplex to get a two count.

Cody continues to tear into the knee as I’m wondering if Kofi Kingston is only here to be a token black guy or if he will actually wrestle. Ted is back in again with a top rope double axe handle before he immediately tags Manu back in. Manu’s hair has unleashed itself from his ponytail. Manu stomps the knee a lot and wrenches it some more until Punk counters into a roll up for two. This accomplishes nothing and Rhodes tags back in. Kane is seeing very little action tonight two. This is more like a six man tag. Kane finally tags in from Cody and just ignores Punk and goes to Rey for a minute, staring at him. Kane turns around into a kick from Punk. Punk delivers an exiguities when Kane tries to drag him away and Kane kicks Rey right off the apron to prevent the tag again. Kane tags back out after such a grueling long time in the match, bringing Rhodes. Cody ducks an Enziguiri, but misses an elbow drop and Kingston makes the tag.

Kingston destroys Rhodes and knocks Dibiase from the apron. He does some kind of wild fucked up running man dance before using the Boom Boom Boom for two. Manu eats mat after breaking up the pin and Kane is in for a choke slam. Rey springboards into a dropkick on Kane’s back, but Dibiase grabs him. Rey goes to the floor with a head scissors on Dibiase and Kingston leaps at Kane into the corner right into a huge choke slam.
Winners: Kane & friends

Raw pimping for Shawn’s match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pop-eye’s chicken is still the shiznit

Welcome back. Pimping of Metallica’s new album from which several songs were recently added as downloadable content to Guitar Hero 3. They are mostly all mildly difficult, but mostly just really long. Adamle is in the ring tonight saying he promised Kane he would grant him a request if he won his match tonight. The promise was if Kane wins Sunday, Rey will lose his mask. He is then interrupted Randy “Everything is somehow about me” Orton. Orton is basically pissed that Adamle kowtowed to Shane last week. He demands that he resuspend CM Punk and stand up for himself. JBL interrupts this and goes on a rant about how he’s losing money in the stock market because of poor people which actually makes absolutely no sense. Apparently this has something to do with him being world champion while Randy will still be healing. Batista’s music interrupts and JBL gets ready, but Batista has entered behind him. They let the comedy moment pass for a bit before
Batista takes him down with a spear. I wonder if he’s ever considered that using a real spear is usually more permanently effective. Just saying. That’s what I’d do.

Elsewhere in the back, Beth catches Santino on the phone with someone but he says it was a sick kid he promised to win a match for. She tells him he shouldn’t come to her match because he keeps fucking them up for her. Also in the back, Kelly and Candice are on their way. Either Candice has the fastest growing hair of all time, or she got extensions. Hopefully she’s like Samson and as her hair grows she’ll become more powerful and suck less.

Random Commercial Thought: Rather than being Brothers in Arms, I might settle for being Brothers in Piles of Hot Bitches.

Back to the show. It’s time for Diva tag action. Oh joy.

Kelly Kelly & Candice Michelle vs. Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Jillian Hall

Candice starts off with Phoenix, delivering the world’s weakest kicks to the shin before tagging in Kelly who uses a dropkick for two. Candice tags in and comes off the ropes onto Beth’s arm. Beth turns the tide and pounds her into the heel corner where Jillian tags in. Candice fights off both and catches Jillian with a Russian leg sweep for two. Candice almost botches a head scissors in the corner (surprised surprise) where Jillian catches her and knocks her down. Beth tags in and goes into multiple back breakers for two. Jillian tags back in and goes for a handspring elbow in the corner that Candice knees herself out of. Kelly tags in and goes for a big head scissors that has her annoyingly screaming through. Her backflip kicks Beth in the corner but Beth just runs her over. Candice makes the save at two on a pin, but Jillian trips her up and sends her to the floor. Kelly then rolls Beth up from behind for two when Beth rolls through into a chick
wing faceplant.
Winners: Jillian & Beth

Candice walks around the ring with a “I can’t believe it’s not butter” look on her face as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If the Force is Unleashed wouldn’t that make him a force Adept? (geek moment)

Back to the show. Deuce is in the ring. Lillian seems to be trying not to laugh at calling him as “From the Other Side of the Tracks…Deuce”. His opponent is The Great Char-li (Haas) with the real Sing in his corner. This is awesome. I love the way he walks. He cuts a promo and gets translation for it. This is so funny. Apparently he’s a big advocate of curry.

The Great Char-li w/ Sing vs. Deuce

Deuce comes off the ropes and runs into the big chop to the head and it gets a big pop. Char-li tries a double handed choke slam but can’t get Deuce up. Deuce starts to slam him around and drops his own face right on a boot. Charlie’s wig is off and he goes into a dancing punch combo and a break dance get up. Top rope clothesline wins it.
Winner: Char-li

Charlie puts his wig back on to become the Great Char-li again when the real Khali arrives on the apron. Sing introduces them to each other and Char-li gets on tip toes to taunt. Khali is trying as hard as he can not to bust a gut here before he levels Charlie with a chop. I noticed that Charlie forgot the chest zits as part of his costume.

Random Commercial Thought: Fulfill your destiny Apprentice. Milk the franchise for all it is worth.

Back to the show. We get a series of clips from previous Wrestlemania shows as a sneak peek for the premier of it on TV later this week. One Wrestlemania main event is mysteriously missing. Jericho comes out for his match with Cade and has Cade retrieve a ladder he somehow knew was under the ring. Mysterious. It’s almost like somebody puts those there on purpose. He case Cade help him make visual aids of what he is going to do to Shawn in the match.

Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is My Network TV anyway? If it was really my network, it would be mostly porn and horror movies.

Back to the show. Shawn comes to the ring and pauses before leaving to retrieve his partner. Let it be Pepe the horse. I miss him. Long pause. Degeneration X music plays, and I swear if you play it backward you can hear Triple H saying “just making sure you don’t get too much of a push, Jericho.”

World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho & Lance Cade vs. DeGeneration X

Triple H starts off in the ring with Jericho. Jericho attacks and gets ran over by a shoulder block. Jericho counters a high knee into a Walls attempt but is kicked off. Cade makes the tag and delivers heavy blows to Trips who blocks a clothesline, countering into his own. Trips drops a knee and makes the tag. Michaels comes back with chops and a flying forearm into the nip up. Jericho gets tackled by Michaels for trying to come in and leads Michaels to chase him around through the ring, Cade catching him with a big boot. How many times do people for that schtick? It’s like a looney toons escapade. Jericho and Cade exchange quick tags as they wear on HBK in the corner. Michaels comes back with a headlock which fails. It fails hard. Jericho lands a bulldog, but misses the follow up lionsault.

Michaels crawls to the tag as Cade comes in and Trips beasts some bitches. Cade is wondering what the hell he’s doing in this match instead of wrestling Paul Burchill or Charlie Haas right now. Trips delivers a spine buster and goes for the Pedigree but Jericho catches him with the Code Breaker. Michaels comes in and takes Jericho down only to be clotheslined by Cade. Jericho and Cade beat the shit out of him together for a bit before the crowd shits all over a DQ finish.
Winners: DX

Jericho retrieves the ladder. Cade holds Michaels for the ladder but Trips comes in from behind with a Sledgehammer, scaring Jericho off, leaving Cade confused before he gets his ass kicked by both a hammer and a foot…and a pedigree. Trips sets up Cade and the ladder and Shawn delivers a body splash from it.

Highlight of the Night: Miz/JTG was actually the best wrestled match on the card and very entertaining for them to show off some unorthodox moves.

Lowlight of the Night: Main Event was short with a non-finish.

WWE “Creative” Award: ZIGGLER IS ANNOYINGLY STUPID (stupid Spirit Squad…)


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).