Raw 09.03.07

Show opens with slow motion DEMON FOOTAGE off brutal head kicking by one Randy “Fuck the Wellness Program” Orton. They pimp Hunter’s squash of Carlito tonight, Orton coming out to talk and the McMahon. Lillian Garcia is here to introduce a fight for the IC title with the returning Jeff Hardy because apparently landing on your head awkwardly causes the management to stand up and go: “Holy shit give that man a title shot!” Umaga comes out and looks none-too thrilled to be here. Who knew Savage Samoans could read Sports Illustrated? Do they even have sports in Samoa? I mean besides Thumb Wrestling.

Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)

Umaga starts off by absolutely crushing Hardy with a kick, who the crowd is pretty hot for right now. Jeff gets choked out on the ropes and Umaga eventually whips him sternum first into the turnbuckle. Hardy is dragged up and chopped to the corner, Umaga starting to lay in with rights. I sort of zone out for a bit and then it is on to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Only two episodes left of Burn Notice. I like USA’s programming but it sure seems to me their seasons are incredibly short lived.

Back to the show where Jeff gets ran over from behind. The driver of the bus then goes on to smash Randy Orton and several mid-carders while blasting Motorhead at high volumes. What’s really fucking annoying during this match is that the US Open needed to tell us so bad they aren’t on USA during this that they take up a huge section of the screen with a scrolling add for several minutes. Let it be known that they already told us this fifty times during the action show. The whole time I was typing that we were in a single rest hold which is so anti-Umaga it’s annoying. Jeff finally fights out of an arm bar and gets lifted into a Samoan Drop. Umaga goes for the flying head butt because apparently Jeff didn’t get him his fried chicken wings and tap water. Jeff tries a flying clothesline and dropkick and gets Umaga reeling. A Sunset Flip fails, but Jeff dodges the senton counter. A Baseball slide dropkick gets Jeff a zero count on the pin. Jeff tries the Twist of Fat but Umaga throws him off only to eat a Whisper in the Wind that DOESN’T involve Jeff crushing himself.

Umaga crushes Jeff to the mat for two. I have to say they didn’t even bother to put his make up on very good as it seems to be smearing clean off like Rey’s Silver Surfer suit. Umaga goes up top and Jeff knocks him from the top, causing Umaga to weakly fall down. Jeff pins him and gets the three all the same in a not at all half-assed attempt to tget the belt off some one ousted by Sports Illustrated. Nope.

Winner: Hardy

Well, Rainbow Bright got his belt back. The announcers pimp the McMahons as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Mountain Dew Game Fuel is either a mixture of Livewire and Code Red…or cat piss. I couldn’t really tell which.

Back to the show. During the break Umaga tore everything apart. In the back Vince shows off the best legal defense money can buy to Coach which is apparently consistent of a bunch of roadies. Carlito, sans his hair (he kind of looks like a Caribbean Super Saiyan now) comes in. Coach says there needs to be a handicap match tonight of Carlito and Umaga against Triple H. Elsewhere in the back Santino tells Maria she should be ready for her match with Beth and Maria wishes he had asked her first before volunteering her for the match. He promises he’ll be there with her but first he has to jump on some turtles. Elsewhere still Regal is talking to same random stage hand (must be a lawyer). Melina talks to him about her meeting with Vince and he tells her that’s disgusting. Stephanie approaches her from behind and threatens to slap her but pauses halfway through, batteries must have gone out. She then turns to find Linda there and tries to apologize only to eat the Robotic Bitchslap and get some legal advice from Ron Simmons. Commercial Ahoy!

Random Commercial Thought: Shoot ‘Em Up needed to be a live reenactment of Contra.

Back to the show. A replay of Beth killing Maria is brought to us by Zit Cream, now you too can removes pimples off the face of wrestling. Santino comes down with Maria and I gotta wonder how the fuck long it is going to take for that arm to heal, I mean he didn’t even break it. What a puss. Luigi wouldn’t take that shit. He grabs a microphone and tells Ron Simmons that he is almost healed. He says he’s adding class because he was IC Champ and is Italian. Who are totally known for class. While they kill you. Sandman approaches through the crowd and slides into the ring while one guy chants for ECW. Morella says Sandman is jealous because Morella bangs Maria and he only gets to make love to his stick. Sandman smashes Santino all the way up the aisle with the shinai as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Fuck Resident Evil 3.

Beth Phoenix arrives and I swear she’s looking more and more like some kind of Nazi Bondage Bitch.

Maria vs. Beth Phoenix

Maria leaps onto Beth and humps her face twice in a row to absolutely no effect. Maria leaps on her a third time and Beth lifts her up, hanging her on the top rope. Beth follows with the stalling Fisherman’s Suplex and picks up the three.

Winner: Phoenix (Not to be confused with Jean Grey)

Beth says she is cashing in her opportunity for the title at Unforgiving (My computer still says there is no such word) and….oh my God she actually got heat! The women’s division had actual heat! She completely ruins the promo by naming herself the Glamazon like she was trying out for Who Wants to Be a Superhero. Beth uses her finisher on Maria again until Candice comes to the save. They stare down and Beth wanders off. We get photos of Cena’s dad’s eye damage.

Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck is the difference between a good and evil Dragon? Dragon Wars looks more like Transformers with Dragons in place of robots.

Back to the show. Regal is in the ring talking about how he denied Orton a title shot, but Vince inspired him to kick some people in the head, which apparently happened in slow motion with crazy piano music playing in the background. Funny. I don’t remember that part, personally. Regal says he gave Orton the night off so he has him via satellite and totally not in a back room. I mean, if he was via satellite, where the fuck is he that has steel railing and PURPLE lighting behind it? Is that his house? Regal makes the match for Unforgiven and Orton says he deserves this because assaulting the elderly obviously deserves a reward. Regal goes on to pimp Triple H vs. Umaga (an off-shoot of Shonen Jump) and JR has to add Carlito. Cena walks out with no theme music to stand at the top of the ramp. He looks like he’s about to cry. Regal tries to explain that he’s just doing his job as GM. There’s this really gay sign stating John Cena is someone’s Prince Charming. A couple of guys start a Cena sucks chant but it gets only two rounds before Cena finally pounces and beats Regal to the floor and over the announce table. Cena puts him in the STFU and Regal sells it great. JR for ONCE IN HIS MISERABLE LIFE, actually points out how such actions would normally be illegal.

Random Commercial Thought: John “bullet time” Woo is back with Stranglehold.

Back to the show. Replay of Cena beating down Regal. At ringside is Murdoch and Cade waiting for the results of a Number One Contender’s match, but hold that thought. What the fuck is wrong with Shelton? Did he and Carlito get into a fight with Fantastic Sam’s and lose? That hair is ridiculous. It’s Londrick who have apparently been forced to put on merchandising shirts instead of showing off their bare-chested manliness, but they strip them off. What? I’m not gay. Perverts. The US Open once again devours much of the screen here.

Londrick vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team (#1 Contender’s Match)

Kendrick starts off in a wrist lock with Haas who knee him in the gut. Hass forces him down by the wrist until Kendrick forces him into an arm wrench. London comes in and hit’s a flying elbow on the arm. They start tagging in and out and eventually London levels Haas and catches him with a stiff few kicks. Haas finally shuts him off with a sharp kick to the gut and a belly to belly suplex. Haas hit’s a running kick to knock London back down before tagging Shelton in. Shelton bench presses London into a gut buster, which makes CM punk look a little lame since it looked way better than the Nyquil but it only gets two.

Shelton and Haas trade in and out quickly before Shelton goes to a headlock (take a shot). London springboard over Shelton when he tries a back body, but Shelton flips over and grabs both of London’s legs to prevent the tag. Shelton makes the tag to Haas, but Haas and London crack heads. Haas clocks off a tag, but London tries to leap over him. Haas catches him but gets rolled up for one. London dives again and Haas grabs the leg. London finally kicks him off and Kendrick is in. He hits an enziguiri and a drop kick to send Shelton to the floor. A flying clothesline gets two. Kendrick springboards off the middle rope for a cross body on Haas for another two when Shelton breaks it up. London eliminates Shelton and Kendrick nails Sliced Bread #2 on Haas for the wing.

Winners: Londrick

Cade and Murdoch get in the ring to applaud Londrick and shake their hands. In the ambulance, Regal is being inspected by emergency workers when Shane McMahon walks by as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Heroes is one of those shows that despite all odds somehow managed to get over.

Back to the show where Carlito meets up with Umaga I the back and tells him that Triple H laughed at him because he lost but he and Vince weren’t laughing so he should be on their side. Umaga stands around seething before we go to Vince and his lawyers. Vince asks Coach how Regal is doing and says Coach has to step up to fill in for Regal until he’s better because he SO didn’t get suspended. Nope. One of the lawyers uses a bunch of big words that results in Vince seeking a settlement with a defensive strategy so Vince fires him. He says he wants his family to bleed and when the woman shoes up he wants them to put the boots to her big time, which is a completely legal action in some courts of law.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial eating macaroni. What did you spend YOUR worthless time with?

Jillian and Daivari are here and I feel sorry for him being forced to come out to Jillian’s music. Jillian cuts a SCATHING promo on Lillian saying she has a new album and despite having a wisdom tooth cut out she’s going to do a performance. She has to pull out her bloody gauze first and give it to Daivari. He seems thrilled to be exposed to Gonasyphaherpaaids. The GREATEST SONG EVER ensues with Daivari and Jillian performing fucking GREASE. Awesomeness. To interrupt them is Cody and Mickie. Cody at last gets some black tights.

Jillian Hall & Daivari vs. Mickie James & Cody Rhodes (Mixed Tag Match)

Jillian and Mickie tie up and Jillian is forced to the corner, screaming about her jaw so the ref break them. Jillian kicks Mickie in the gut and goes on offensive until she shows off, allowing Mickie to clothesline. Mickie back kick Jillian in the stomach and strikes her hard in the face. Daivari tag in and Cody comes in. Cody arm drags and hits a shoulder block on Daivari. Cody works the arm until Daivari forces him to the corner and goes into shoulder blocks to the midsection. Daivari picks up two off a body slam. Another body slam and an elbow get him another two. Daivari uses a chinlock next…on the nose. So…a nose lock? What kind of Terrorist is he? The lame British kind that seem to be completely incapable of killing themselves?

Cody tries to break out but its back to the dreaded nose lock shortly thereafter. Spinner toe hold from Cody and Daivari is scream at the leg lock before he kicks Cody off only to eat the bulldog off the rebound for two. Mickie and Jillian both dive in at each other and Cody nails a DDT for three.

Winners: Cody & Mickie

Carlito and Umaga are on their way down the hall while Carlito plays Mickey and Rocky mode. In fact, Umaga as Rocky Balboa is a movie that NEEDS to happen.

Random Commercial Thought: Should you really be milking an old man?

Back to the show. Replay of Carlito getting a welcome back burial. Triple H’s theme plays with a combination of the King of Kings intro that segues into the original The Game music. Cloud of spit is back. Funny shot of his hair plastered to his huge ass nose in silhouette of the flashing lights. Carlito heads to the ring after like ten minutes of intro from Hunter. Carlito’s intro takes ten seconds. Umaga is back and they could have at least bothered to redraw his face paint.

Carlito Caribbean Cool & Umaga vs. Triple H (Handicap Tag Match)

Carlito starts off with Triple H and Carlito attacks him while he’s distracted with Umaga. Carlito pummels Hunter into the corner and starts hammering away until Triple H powers out of the corner with a clothesline and throws Carlito by the hair. Hunter tosses Carlito to the floor and then starts taunting Umaga. He slaps him in the face so Umaga gets in. Carlito attacks Trips from behind and Umaga won’t leave the ring so the ref DQs the both of them.

Winner: Triple H

Superkick from Umaga and Apple Jack from Carlito (part of your balanced breakfast, bitch!) followed by a flying head butt from Umaga. Carlito goes to ringside with a couple of chairs while hunter is set up in the corner. Umaga Ass Crashes a chair into Hunter’s face, but Trips ducks Umaga just sits on a chair at high velocity. Trips grabs the other chair which Carlito brought to the ring for apparently no reason. Carlito takes a shot and goes down but Umaga eats shot after shot and just goes to a knee. Trips tosses he broken chair and decides to retrieve good old Sledgy to the biggest crowd pop of the night. Time for Thor to toss some Thunder. Umaga turns and eats the sledgehamer to the face. Umaga is busted open and starts crawling around the ring. Hunter looks perplexed with this. Trips stalks around Umaga like a vulture and I gotta wonder if he thinks he has a title or something. Umaga finally settles on his knees and Triple H crushes him in the back of the “head” that totally wasn’t the fat of his back.

In the back it’s Coach and Vince on their way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Good Luck Chuck (not to be confused with Chuck) was already done as an episode of Scrubs.

Back to the show. They run down the card for Unforgiven. And I just wish they would actually run in down and give us a new card. Vince is on his way to the ring with his posse. He’s even wearing the colors tonight apparently with the oddly out of place blue suit. He tells us his name is Vincent Kennedy (KENNEDY…..kennedy….suspended….) McMahon. He says being the patriarch of his family is all about the money. He says his family wants a handout and what the fuck is that HORRIBLE SOUND?! Is that theme music or the scream of tortured souls? This can only mean it’s Linda. Linda looks like she’s dressed for church. Vince asks he how she expects to get her cut without an attorney. Linda boots up and says she has money she’s the CEO and she doesn’t need his money. She says thanks to his assistant who paraded all the women he slept with she could take him to court and take him for everything he’s got. He says she never understood and that it was long lonely nights on the road for him building this empire. I mean, someone had to enslave all those jews.

Vince goes on to say the rest of his family understood when Stephanie arrives dragging her African midwife titties behind her. Vince calls her the volatile one and they’ve had lots of wonderful memories. He put a video together for her about her life and shows their tender moments….the video shows their match where Vince clotheslined her and slung her about at Wrestlemania XX. Best part: The reaction shot of her puffed out frog face while she chokes on a pipe HA she should have been used to that…. Coach says someone must have sabotaged the video and suddenly the titantron cuts to Hunter drinking water in the back. He says he swears he had nothing to do with it and waves to Steph who smirks because they totally aren’t banging each other. She says she loves Vince still and he’s sick and needs help. She thinks he should step down if he won’t get help. In which case he’s go to TNA and become Vyncent Kennedi McMan. Shane then arrives…did he get a new entrance video just for this?

Vince introduces Shane to a big pop. He asks Shane if he thinks the same as the rest and Shane asks which Vince he is talking to, the pioneer, the fearless leader, the guy who fought off the Spanish at the Alamo, Davey Crocket! Well okay, maybe not that last part…. He goes on to describe the lunatic alter ego as an Asshole chant builds. Vince says the next time they call Linda that he’ll beat the hell out of us. I suppose we should get in line. Shane says it’s one thing to embarrass them and if he wants to change this is about the family legacy. He agrees that Vinnie is sick and needs help. Vince asks if they think he can change. Shane thinks he can and this can all work out (cue sappy theme music) Shane says this could all work out because he always wanted a brother. Vince wants to make a confession (is he Catholic?). Vince says all these affairs they’ve been talking about were a big lie that he said to build his own ego. No shit? Vince says he was unfaithful only once in his life. He says he still feels he can change and that he has a kindred spirit. I suddenly feel like I’m watching Ebenezer Vince.

He drops to a knee and vows he’ll be a better person when Kennedy’s theme hits. Coach cuts off Kennedy when he tries to talk. Kennedy says he’s out here because everything happens for a reason and there was a reason that they came face to face and a reason why his last name is Vince’s middle name. He says there’s a reason why the identity of his son would be revealed next week in Kennedy’s home town. Why? Because Vince is his dad that’s why. No shit? Stephanie comes over and says Kennedy might be a bastard but he isn’t Vince’s Bastard. She asks for proof and he says he doesn’t need proof, just the undivided attention of his father. He says Vince doesn’t need to change he needs to be even more outrageous and over the top. He needs to be the next Doink the Clown. He says without crazy Vince he wouldn’t have become the greatest WWE star in history. Kennedy says he could listen to the people who want to take his money and kick him around or his son who believes him a son who’s name is…well you know…..you know…. He does however add McMahon to the end of the echo.

Vince and Kennedy embrace to actual cheers when some random black guy comes out to say he represents the person who gave birth to his son, and the person is indeed a WWE superstar and it is not Kennedy. Vince demands to know and he says the information will be revealed next week and she has a message for him next week, a small clue that reads: Col. Mustard in the Kitchen with the rope? SWERVE.

The note actually says things are looking up. Er….show goes off the air!

Highlight of the Night: Great match from Londrick and TWGTT. I enjoyed it anyway, which is more than I can say for some of the predictable goings on.

Lowlight of the Night: Crappy non-payoff for the child angle, took WAY too much of the air time.

(In honor of Eugene’s firing, we have a new third section)

WWE Creative Award: What the fuck is Orton still doing on my TV? Shouldn’t he have ran out of live three tries ago?