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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (September 2007)

September 03, 2007
September 10, 2007
September 17, 2007
September 24, 2007

WWE RAW RANT: (09/03/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the show where if you assume the rumors are true on who all got the boot for a thirty days, we have the same amount of show with half the wrestlers! I hope you all like Triple H and Vince A LOT. But I’d like to take a moment of silence to mourn Carlito’s Hair. I’m sure it can find a new home in the pubic thatch of a French woman before long though so never fear. That said, Joe Merrick wasn’t the only one negotiating his untimely release when Cryme Tyme got the boot this weekend. And I love that term, Release. Like they’ve been set back loose in their natural environment. Probably hopping along free on the streets of Brooklyn, running with the wild Crack Dealers on the open range.

Raw 09.03.07

Show opens with slow motion DEMON FOOTAGE off brutal head kicking by one Randy “Fuck the Wellness Program” Orton. They pimp Hunter’s squash of Carlito tonight, Orton coming out to talk and the McMahon. Lillian Garcia is here to introduce a fight for the IC title with the returning Jeff Hardy because apparently landing on your head awkwardly causes the management to stand up and go: “Holy shit give that man a title shot!” Umaga comes out and looks none-too thrilled to be here. Who knew Savage Samoans could read Sports Illustrated? Do they even have sports in Samoa? I mean besides Thumb Wrestling.

Intercontinental Champion Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)

Umaga starts off by absolutely crushing Hardy with a kick, who the crowd is pretty hot for right now. Jeff gets choked out on the ropes and Umaga eventually whips him sternum first into the turnbuckle. Hardy is dragged up and chopped to the corner, Umaga starting to lay in with rights. I sort of zone out for a bit and then it is on to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Only two episodes left of Burn Notice. I like USA’s programming but it sure seems to me their seasons are incredibly short lived.

Back to the show where Jeff gets ran over from behind. The driver of the bus then goes on to smash Randy Orton and several mid-carders while blasting Motorhead at high volumes. What’s really fucking annoying during this match is that the US Open needed to tell us so bad they aren’t on USA during this that they take up a huge section of the screen with a scrolling add for several minutes. Let it be known that they already told us this fifty times during the action show. The whole time I was typing that we were in a single rest hold which is so anti-Umaga it’s annoying. Jeff finally fights out of an arm bar and gets lifted into a Samoan Drop. Umaga goes for the flying head butt because apparently Jeff didn’t get him his fried chicken wings and tap water. Jeff tries a flying clothesline and dropkick and gets Umaga reeling. A Sunset Flip fails, but Jeff dodges the senton counter. A Baseball slide dropkick gets Jeff a zero count on the pin. Jeff tries the Twist of Fat but Umaga throws him off only to eat a Whisper in the Wind that DOESN’T involve Jeff crushing himself.

Umaga crushes Jeff to the mat for two. I have to say they didn’t even bother to put his make up on very good as it seems to be smearing clean off like Rey’s Silver Surfer suit. Umaga goes up top and Jeff knocks him from the top, causing Umaga to weakly fall down. Jeff pins him and gets the three all the same in a not at all half-assed attempt to tget the belt off some one ousted by Sports Illustrated. Nope.

Winner: Hardy

Well, Rainbow Bright got his belt back. The announcers pimp the McMahons as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Mountain Dew Game Fuel is either a mixture of Livewire and Code Red…or cat piss. I couldn’t really tell which.

Back to the show. During the break Umaga tore everything apart. In the back Vince shows off the best legal defense money can buy to Coach which is apparently consistent of a bunch of roadies. Carlito, sans his hair (he kind of looks like a Caribbean Super Saiyan now) comes in. Coach says there needs to be a handicap match tonight of Carlito and Umaga against Triple H. Elsewhere in the back Santino tells Maria she should be ready for her match with Beth and Maria wishes he had asked her first before volunteering her for the match. He promises he’ll be there with her but first he has to jump on some turtles. Elsewhere still Regal is talking to same random stage hand (must be a lawyer). Melina talks to him about her meeting with Vince and he tells her that’s disgusting. Stephanie approaches her from behind and threatens to slap her but pauses halfway through, batteries must have gone out. She then turns to find Linda there and tries to apologize only to eat the Robotic Bitchslap and get some legal advice from Ron Simmons. Commercial Ahoy!

Random Commercial Thought: Shoot ‘Em Up needed to be a live reenactment of Contra.

Back to the show. A replay of Beth killing Maria is brought to us by Zit Cream, now you too can removes pimples off the face of wrestling. Santino comes down with Maria and I gotta wonder how the fuck long it is going to take for that arm to heal, I mean he didn’t even break it. What a puss. Luigi wouldn’t take that shit. He grabs a microphone and tells Ron Simmons that he is almost healed. He says he’s adding class because he was IC Champ and is Italian. Who are totally known for class. While they kill you. Sandman approaches through the crowd and slides into the ring while one guy chants for ECW. Morella says Sandman is jealous because Morella bangs Maria and he only gets to make love to his stick. Sandman smashes Santino all the way up the aisle with the shinai as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Fuck Resident Evil 3.

Beth Phoenix arrives and I swear she’s looking more and more like some kind of Nazi Bondage Bitch.

Maria vs. Beth Phoenix

Maria leaps onto Beth and humps her face twice in a row to absolutely no effect. Maria leaps on her a third time and Beth lifts her up, hanging her on the top rope. Beth follows with the stalling Fisherman’s Suplex and picks up the three.

Winner: Phoenix (Not to be confused with Jean Grey)

Beth says she is cashing in her opportunity for the title at Unforgiving (My computer still says there is no such word) and….oh my God she actually got heat! The women’s division had actual heat! She completely ruins the promo by naming herself the Glamazon like she was trying out for Who Wants to Be a Superhero. Beth uses her finisher on Maria again until Candice comes to the save. They stare down and Beth wanders off. We get photos of Cena’s dad’s eye damage.

Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck is the difference between a good and evil Dragon? Dragon Wars looks more like Transformers with Dragons in place of robots.

Back to the show. Regal is in the ring talking about how he denied Orton a title shot, but Vince inspired him to kick some people in the head, which apparently happened in slow motion with crazy piano music playing in the background. Funny. I don’t remember that part, personally. Regal says he gave Orton the night off so he has him via satellite and totally not in a back room. I mean, if he was via satellite, where the fuck is he that has steel railing and PURPLE lighting behind it? Is that his house? Regal makes the match for Unforgiven and Orton says he deserves this because assaulting the elderly obviously deserves a reward. Regal goes on to pimp Triple H vs. Umaga (an off-shoot of Shonen Jump) and JR has to add Carlito. Cena walks out with no theme music to stand at the top of the ramp. He looks like he’s about to cry. Regal tries to explain that he’s just doing his job as GM. There’s this really gay sign stating John Cena is someone’s Prince Charming. A couple of guys start a Cena sucks chant but it gets only two rounds before Cena finally pounces and beats Regal to the floor and over the announce table. Cena puts him in the STFU and Regal sells it great. JR for ONCE IN HIS MISERABLE LIFE, actually points out how such actions would normally be illegal.

Random Commercial Thought: John “bullet time” Woo is back with Stranglehold.

Back to the show. Replay of Cena beating down Regal. At ringside is Murdoch and Cade waiting for the results of a Number One Contender’s match, but hold that thought. What the fuck is wrong with Shelton? Did he and Carlito get into a fight with Fantastic Sam’s and lose? That hair is ridiculous. It’s Londrick who have apparently been forced to put on merchandising shirts instead of showing off their bare-chested manliness, but they strip them off. What? I’m not gay. Perverts. The US Open once again devours much of the screen here.

Londrick vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team (#1 Contender’s Match)

Kendrick starts off in a wrist lock with Haas who knee him in the gut. Hass forces him down by the wrist until Kendrick forces him into an arm wrench. London comes in and hit’s a flying elbow on the arm. They start tagging in and out and eventually London levels Haas and catches him with a stiff few kicks. Haas finally shuts him off with a sharp kick to the gut and a belly to belly suplex. Haas hit’s a running kick to knock London back down before tagging Shelton in. Shelton bench presses London into a gut buster, which makes CM punk look a little lame since it looked way better than the Nyquil but it only gets two.

Shelton and Haas trade in and out quickly before Shelton goes to a headlock (take a shot). London springboard over Shelton when he tries a back body, but Shelton flips over and grabs both of London’s legs to prevent the tag. Shelton makes the tag to Haas, but Haas and London crack heads. Haas clocks off a tag, but London tries to leap over him. Haas catches him but gets rolled up for one. London dives again and Haas grabs the leg. London finally kicks him off and Kendrick is in. He hits an enziguiri and a drop kick to send Shelton to the floor. A flying clothesline gets two. Kendrick springboards off the middle rope for a cross body on Haas for another two when Shelton breaks it up. London eliminates Shelton and Kendrick nails Sliced Bread #2 on Haas for the wing.

Winners: Londrick

Cade and Murdoch get in the ring to applaud Londrick and shake their hands. In the ambulance, Regal is being inspected by emergency workers when Shane McMahon walks by as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Heroes is one of those shows that despite all odds somehow managed to get over.

Back to the show where Carlito meets up with Umaga I the back and tells him that Triple H laughed at him because he lost but he and Vince weren’t laughing so he should be on their side. Umaga stands around seething before we go to Vince and his lawyers. Vince asks Coach how Regal is doing and says Coach has to step up to fill in for Regal until he’s better because he SO didn’t get suspended. Nope. One of the lawyers uses a bunch of big words that results in Vince seeking a settlement with a defensive strategy so Vince fires him. He says he wants his family to bleed and when the woman shoes up he wants them to put the boots to her big time, which is a completely legal action in some courts of law.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent this commercial eating macaroni. What did you spend YOUR worthless time with?

Jillian and Daivari are here and I feel sorry for him being forced to come out to Jillian’s music. Jillian cuts a SCATHING promo on Lillian saying she has a new album and despite having a wisdom tooth cut out she’s going to do a performance. She has to pull out her bloody gauze first and give it to Daivari. He seems thrilled to be exposed to Gonasyphaherpaaids. The GREATEST SONG EVER ensues with Daivari and Jillian performing fucking GREASE. Awesomeness. To interrupt them is Cody and Mickie. Cody at last gets some black tights.

Jillian Hall & Daivari vs. Mickie James & Cody Rhodes (Mixed Tag Match)

Jillian and Mickie tie up and Jillian is forced to the corner, screaming about her jaw so the ref break them. Jillian kicks Mickie in the gut and goes on offensive until she shows off, allowing Mickie to clothesline. Mickie back kick Jillian in the stomach and strikes her hard in the face. Daivari tag in and Cody comes in. Cody arm drags and hits a shoulder block on Daivari. Cody works the arm until Daivari forces him to the corner and goes into shoulder blocks to the midsection. Daivari picks up two off a body slam. Another body slam and an elbow get him another two. Daivari uses a chinlock next…on the nose. So…a nose lock? What kind of Terrorist is he? The lame British kind that seem to be completely incapable of killing themselves?

Cody tries to break out but its back to the dreaded nose lock shortly thereafter. Spinner toe hold from Cody and Daivari is scream at the leg lock before he kicks Cody off only to eat the bulldog off the rebound for two. Mickie and Jillian both dive in at each other and Cody nails a DDT for three.

Winners: Cody & Mickie

Carlito and Umaga are on their way down the hall while Carlito plays Mickey and Rocky mode. In fact, Umaga as Rocky Balboa is a movie that NEEDS to happen.

Random Commercial Thought: Should you really be milking an old man?

Back to the show. Replay of Carlito getting a welcome back burial. Triple H’s theme plays with a combination of the King of Kings intro that segues into the original The Game music. Cloud of spit is back. Funny shot of his hair plastered to his huge ass nose in silhouette of the flashing lights. Carlito heads to the ring after like ten minutes of intro from Hunter. Carlito’s intro takes ten seconds. Umaga is back and they could have at least bothered to redraw his face paint.

Carlito Caribbean Cool & Umaga vs. Triple H (Handicap Tag Match)

Carlito starts off with Triple H and Carlito attacks him while he’s distracted with Umaga. Carlito pummels Hunter into the corner and starts hammering away until Triple H powers out of the corner with a clothesline and throws Carlito by the hair. Hunter tosses Carlito to the floor and then starts taunting Umaga. He slaps him in the face so Umaga gets in. Carlito attacks Trips from behind and Umaga won’t leave the ring so the ref DQs the both of them.

Winner: Triple H

Superkick from Umaga and Apple Jack from Carlito (part of your balanced breakfast, bitch!) followed by a flying head butt from Umaga. Carlito goes to ringside with a couple of chairs while hunter is set up in the corner. Umaga Ass Crashes a chair into Hunter’s face, but Trips ducks Umaga just sits on a chair at high velocity. Trips grabs the other chair which Carlito brought to the ring for apparently no reason. Carlito takes a shot and goes down but Umaga eats shot after shot and just goes to a knee. Trips tosses he broken chair and decides to retrieve good old Sledgy to the biggest crowd pop of the night. Time for Thor to toss some Thunder. Umaga turns and eats the sledgehamer to the face. Umaga is busted open and starts crawling around the ring. Hunter looks perplexed with this. Trips stalks around Umaga like a vulture and I gotta wonder if he thinks he has a title or something. Umaga finally settles on his knees and Triple H crushes him in the back of the “head” that totally wasn’t the fat of his back.

In the back it’s Coach and Vince on their way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Good Luck Chuck (not to be confused with Chuck) was already done as an episode of Scrubs.

Back to the show. They run down the card for Unforgiven. And I just wish they would actually run in down and give us a new card. Vince is on his way to the ring with his posse. He’s even wearing the colors tonight apparently with the oddly out of place blue suit. He tells us his name is Vincent Kennedy (KENNEDY…..kennedy….suspended….) McMahon. He says being the patriarch of his family is all about the money. He says his family wants a handout and what the fuck is that HORRIBLE SOUND?! Is that theme music or the scream of tortured souls? This can only mean it’s Linda. Linda looks like she’s dressed for church. Vince asks he how she expects to get her cut without an attorney. Linda boots up and says she has money she’s the CEO and she doesn’t need his money. She says thanks to his assistant who paraded all the women he slept with she could take him to court and take him for everything he’s got. He says she never understood and that it was long lonely nights on the road for him building this empire. I mean, someone had to enslave all those jews.

Vince goes on to say the rest of his family understood when Stephanie arrives dragging her African midwife titties behind her. Vince calls her the volatile one and they’ve had lots of wonderful memories. He put a video together for her about her life and shows their tender moments….the video shows their match where Vince clotheslined her and slung her about at Wrestlemania XX. Best part: The reaction shot of her puffed out frog face while she chokes on a pipe HA she should have been used to that…. Coach says someone must have sabotaged the video and suddenly the titantron cuts to Hunter drinking water in the back. He says he swears he had nothing to do with it and waves to Steph who smirks because they totally aren’t banging each other. She says she loves Vince still and he’s sick and needs help. She thinks he should step down if he won’t get help. In which case he’s go to TNA and become Vyncent Kennedi McMan. Shane then arrives…did he get a new entrance video just for this?

Vince introduces Shane to a big pop. He asks Shane if he thinks the same as the rest and Shane asks which Vince he is talking to, the pioneer, the fearless leader, the guy who fought off the Spanish at the Alamo, Davey Crocket! Well okay, maybe not that last part…. He goes on to describe the lunatic alter ego as an Asshole chant builds. Vince says the next time they call Linda that he’ll beat the hell out of us. I suppose we should get in line. Shane says it’s one thing to embarrass them and if he wants to change this is about the family legacy. He agrees that Vinnie is sick and needs help. Vince asks if they think he can change. Shane thinks he can and this can all work out (cue sappy theme music) Shane says this could all work out because he always wanted a brother. Vince wants to make a confession (is he Catholic?). Vince says all these affairs they’ve been talking about were a big lie that he said to build his own ego. No shit? Vince says he was unfaithful only once in his life. He says he still feels he can change and that he has a kindred spirit. I suddenly feel like I’m watching Ebenezer Vince.

He drops to a knee and vows he’ll be a better person when Kennedy’s theme hits. Coach cuts off Kennedy when he tries to talk. Kennedy says he’s out here because everything happens for a reason and there was a reason that they came face to face and a reason why his last name is Vince’s middle name. He says there’s a reason why the identity of his son would be revealed next week in Kennedy’s home town. Why? Because Vince is his dad that’s why. No shit? Stephanie comes over and says Kennedy might be a bastard but he isn’t Vince’s Bastard. She asks for proof and he says he doesn’t need proof, just the undivided attention of his father. He says Vince doesn’t need to change he needs to be even more outrageous and over the top. He needs to be the next Doink the Clown. He says without crazy Vince he wouldn’t have become the greatest WWE star in history. Kennedy says he could listen to the people who want to take his money and kick him around or his son who believes him a son who’s name is…well you know…..you know…. He does however add McMahon to the end of the echo.

Vince and Kennedy embrace to actual cheers when some random black guy comes out to say he represents the person who gave birth to his son, and the person is indeed a WWE superstar and it is not Kennedy. Vince demands to know and he says the information will be revealed next week and she has a message for him next week, a small clue that reads: Col. Mustard in the Kitchen with the rope? SWERVE.

The note actually says things are looking up. Er….show goes off the air!

Highlight of the Night: Great match from Londrick and TWGTT. I enjoyed it anyway, which is more than I can say for some of the predictable goings on.

Lowlight of the Night: Crappy non-payoff for the child angle, took WAY too much of the air time.

(In honor of Eugene’s firing, we have a new third section)

WWE Creative Award: What the fuck is Orton still doing on my TV? Shouldn’t he have ran out of live three tries ago?


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (09/10/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the show where the roster is starting to look more barren that the landscape in Mad Max. Though I suppose it could be worse, I mean we COULD be running a main event set up between a guy who the audience is tired of, and someone who once had a feud with an Italian Hotel Room. Oh. Wait….

Either way, it seems our latest tidbit of news is that Coach has now become Raw’s lone African American minority. Stay tuned next week for when Coach dons his new persona as “Johnny C. The Schizzle to the Rizzle” where he’ll take part in madcap antics of HILARITY and steal things from the rest of the locker room, while spouting his adorable street slang. WWE: “Tolerance!…we ain’t having any of that bullshit.” The little commercial tidbit for Raw tonight shows John Cena posing and the look on his face almost feels like “Well, you still got me….yeah I know it sucks.”

Raw 09.10.07

Show opens with Vince heading to the ring with Coach so we can find out who his son is. Supposedly they will be announcing it right damn now. The chances of this actually happening are about as good as me shitting out a golden egg, He tells us she could have been professional about this and done it in private but she had to bring it all out in the open, AH GOD MY EYES. He repeats the things are looking up line while the crowd has been chanting What for this whole thing. A You Suck chant erupts and Vince accuses them of mocking the crowd. He announces his son is not from Green Bay nor is it Mr. Kennedy. Kennedy is on the cover of WWE magazine and he has Coach rip it up, Coach cant’. Weak ass bastard. Vince says he should be suspended for impersonating a McMahon as opposed to impersonating a person who isn’t on drugs. Vince demands we know and Khali’s music hits. Oh fucking hell.

Vince looks as happy as can be to have sired someone who talks as well Vince walks. Vince introduces the World Heavyweight Champion Khali shows off his belt while the crowd collectively commits mass suicide. Khali says something. I’m not quite sure what it was, but I think he said he wants a meat man? What? His translator says Khali may have some insight into all of this and the clue can only refer to himself. All of a sudden JBL’s theme hits and THANK GOD SOMEONE WHO CAN TALK. JBL says a great visionary has got to understand that things are looking up can’t be taken literal. He says it isn’t the sasquatch because after all what do he and Vince love the most? Money. Arab Bischoff is told to put Big Gulp on a leash ( I love you Jibble). He says his stocks are looking up. He wants to change his name to JBM (sounds like some kind of porn manuever). Vince wants to shake his hand but Jeff’s music hits. The sound guy must have really been digging into the files on Vince. The rag in Jeff’s pocket looks like toilet paper. Wouldn’t this mean Matt’s dad is Vince too?

Jeff says he knows his dad but people are always looking up at him whenever he hit’s a Swanton off a ladder. Vince says Jeff never looked anything like his brother and he could be his son. Jeff says he sure as hell hopes not. He says he’s just waiting for someone to tell him he isn’t it. JBL trash talks the both of them, saying Jeff shouldn’t insult his hair and Khali needs to go to Punjabi Supercuts. Mr. Johnson, the gay sounding African American Lawyer, appears on the Titantron. Vince says he hates all attorneys, even his own and demands to know who it is. He says indeed the identity will be revealed tonight but right now, when his client is good and ready. Wow, way to shift a crowd response in mid-sentence. Vince asks if his son is in the ring right now. And to Jeff’s glee, he reveals it at least isn’t Hardy. Jeff celebrates and so Vince calls him a fool, so he doesn’t give a damn about him.

Vince makes a match for Jeff tonight with another champion Khali.I remember their last match. Khali did one move and Jeff got counted out. Oh joy. A rematch.

Random Commercial Thought: Code Monkeys. Are you tired of horrible cliché sprite comics? Then try out horrible ANIMATED sprite comics!

Back to the show where they show Cade and Murdoch congratulating Londrick, no mention of the handy little title trade off that happened in Africa. What happens in Africa. Stays in Africa.

Paul London is set to take on one half of the Red Neck Wrecking Crew or whatever the hell they want to be called in Lance Cade. Lance Cade w/ Trevor Murdoch vs. Paul London w/ Brian Kendrick

Lance puts London in a side headlock (take a shot). London leaps over out of an Irish whip and lands an atomic drop on Cade. London runs over the ref who gets in the way when he goes to the ropes and has to dodge. London manages to get two on Cade but Cade powers back and hit’s a huge back body drop for two of his own. Cade goes to a chin lock (take a shot) and then forces London to the corner. London looks like Ashton Kutcher in the butterfly effect. Ever notice that? London slingshots into a dropkick to the face, over onto the ropes and flies off onto Cade for two. Cade hit’s a huge back body drop then runs London over like a trick for two. Kendrick looks like a midget at ringside, firing up the crowd. Cade puts London up top only to oddly trip off. Trevor gets on the apron and the ref catches him, but while he’s distracted, Kendrick runs in, hits Sliced Bread Two and London finishes with a running shooting Star Press for three. Winner: I see London I see France.

Back to the show where Trips is in the back making a sign next to his shirt to pimp his shirt at WWE.com as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Welcome to DOA, that game that to see the movie, you wouldn’t know there we guys in it…and that almost all those girls are Japanese.

Back to the show where they thank Alter Bridge for the Unforgiven theme song which totally isn’t still Creed, just….again. They replay the Orton and Cena feud with Cena beating the hell out of Regal. They have security blocking Cena from entry and they are the geekiest people ever. Coach is in the back talking to Vince about how he banned Cena from the building tonight and Regal is in no condition to return so now there is no possible way he can do that to him tonight as well. Vince somehow segues this onto himself saying that woman won’t make a fool of him either. Coach says he knows who the number two vote getter was last on WWE.com and it happens to be Stevie Richards. They shake hands and Vince laughs his ass off. Vince says he knew out audience could be way off but not this far off. Vince asks who number one was which was not at all rigged by WWE.com when he lost DRASTICALLY to Stevie in the initial voting. Triple H of course.

They run a video about Triple H destroying Umaga who JR claims was “Undestroyable”. King comes up with a real word: Indestructible. We then get Carlito being interviewed, saying he picked an opponent for Hunter and he’s going to prove himself to be Triple H’s Daddy by the end of the night (god damn the gene pool is shallow around here).

Random Commercial Thought: The Heartbreak Kid. Not featuring Shawn Michaels.

Back to the show. Triple H is here and he still has that King of King’s intro into the Game theme music. So does that make him like The King of King Games? Who’s his opponent going to be? Shelton “I didn’t make the game cut….or hair cut” Benjamin. JR recaps that Shelton’s first match on Raw was a victory against Triple H.

Shelton Benjamin w/ Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Triple H

Shelton gets kicked down to the corner, but he comes back out with kicks only to get ran over by a stiff shot coming off the ropes. Triple H tries a suplex and Shelton counters it into the T-Bone, but Hunter blocks and slams him shoulder first to the ring post. Trips begins to work the arms, dragging Benjamin around by it and wrenching him back down to the ground before flinging his shoulder back into the post. Shelton falls to the floor. Shelton tries to claw through the dirt smothering him to death as he’s buries before Trips gets into an argument with Carlito and ringside. Trips throws Shelton over the announce table and into Carlito, throwing them both to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Leave your world behind…and shoot some foreigners in…The Kingdom.

Back to the match. During the break Carlito got a cheap shot in on Hunter. Trips seems to be gaining momentum, but when he tries a back body, Shelton drops down into a DDT for two. Shelton goes for his signature chain wrestling…headlock (take a shot). Shelton gets a kick in the gut in the corner. Hunter tries to rally back ad Shelton leaps up to the top turnbuckle to springboard off, which he COMPLETELY misses, but the wind knocks Trips down anyway for two. He must be really inflated today if a gust could knock him down. Shelton goes back to a side headlock (take another shot) while Trips rams him in the corner. Benjamin comes off the ropes, but Trips hit’s a clothesline to start a standing ten count.

Harley Race knee catches Benjamin when they both get up, but Shelton still rallies, only to eat a spine buster instead. Carlito is up, drawing Trips to the corner, but he dodges the “I’m not Sting” Splash, hitting the Pedigree for three.

Winner: Trips

After the match only two words of his music play when Carlito attacks. Trips runs him off and Wild Coach appears! What will you do? Coach says the match for Unforgiven has been changed to No DQ for Carlito only. They run down the reveal of the bastard tonight while we see security checking vehicles in the parking lot. Randy “I’m totally Clean” Orton is on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: “I’ll stop the world, I’ll melt with you.” I assume that means you’ll stop it while you’re on the side facing the sun.

Back to the show where the (fudge) Packers are here, followed by Orton coming to ringside. Orton claims he has something important to say to John and his father as I completely stop caring. Something about John’s one year anniversary as champion is at Unforgiven. Orton talks over the crowd starting to cheer because Cena is breaking through the crowd now and into the ring with lots of pink shirted guards running after him like living bubblegum. Cena tackles Orton and finally the security has to drag him off. I always wonder where WWE gets its security, because these guys are fucking useless. Cena tries a few times to break through the guards before we cut to Vince and Coach, with Coach saying he banned him, so he doesn’t know how he got him. Vince says it’s too bad Regal isn’t here, because he could do his job. Vince says he can throw him out any time he wants. We then go around a corner to see security still dragging Cena along. Vince approaches him and they have a face off. Cena says he’s talking to him as a man and not his boss. Cena cuts a promo that’s actually damn good. Cena plays up his father in the lines saying Vince can understand what he’s going to do as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Rock stars in,, The Pacifier with less white guys.

Back to the show. Candice Michelle is out at ringside with her HORRIFYING NEW MUSIC. It hurts my soul and eats away at my mind with the suckiness. At least if a drunken Brittany Spears were performing it, I could have some form of entertainment from it. Candice goes to the announce table while Jillian Hall and Mickie get in the ring for an actual match.

Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James

Jillian tries a headlock take over, but Mickie flip out of it only to get clothes lined. Jillian bitches a handstand elbow in the corner and rolls Mickie up for two. Jillian does some kind of weird handstand splash, but drops face first into some knees from Mickie. A running neck breaker from Mickie gets her two. Jillian runs into an elbow in the corner and Mickie goes for a head scissors, but Jillian converts it into an electric chair drop. Jillian channels Darth Vader and screams NOOOOOOO at the two count. Mickie flips out of a lift and hits her spinning Mick Kick for the win.

Winner: Mickie

After the match Beth attacks both of them ad clubs them to death with her enormous forearms of death. Candice gets in the ring and starts attacking, but she eats the Stalling Fisherman’s Suplex for her trouble. Beth leaves the ring with a cry befitting a “Glamazon”…”SNOO SNOO!”

Well, okay maybe that didn’t happen. More bastard pimping and an Undertaker package (ew, put it back in your pants) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Could someone please explain to me who thought fruit needed their own band for these ridiculous commercials?

Back to the show. Replay of Sandman beating on Morella, since apparently Spiderman villains don’t make enough money from Marvel, they gotta pick on Nintendo heroes too. Speaking of Morella he’s back (AND TOTTALLY CLEAN WE SWEAR) with out his arm brace. Morella talks about the famous opera star that passed away and says it’s thankful he passed away before watching Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Condemned (AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!) on DVD. Sandman eventually interrupts his diatribe on cheese. Morella channels George Bush and says you trick me once er….you won’t trick me again!

Santino Morella vs. Sandman

Morella attacks early to weak USA chants, before Sandman rolls him over. Sandman somehow hurts his leg by running to the turnbuckle and starts to roll around. Santino kicks at the leg and Sandman rolls around holding his leg. Santino punches at the leg and drags Sandman up, scoop slamming him then splashing right into some raised knees, which wouldn’t hurt his leg at all, nope. Santino comes off the ropes and urns right into a knee, falling outside. Sandman slings himself to the outside on top of Morella and punches Morella to the steps. Morella cheap shot kicks him and swings with the Shinai Sandman left at ringside. He misses but the ref gives the win to Sandman. Winner: Sandman

Morella misses because apparently the Italians don’t have baseball, so Sandman takes his shinai back by force, and runs Morella off. It’s worth to note that during that match Ron Simmons and Maria were watching it on TV. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m worried about this dragon movie and why anyone will even bother to go see this pile of shit.

Back to the show where Maria is talking to Ron in the back saying Santino hasn’t been the same since the dating game. She asks if he thinks she should start seeing other people but before he can answer, Morella beats the hell out of him from behind, slamming him into some random steel barrels. Morella pauses before kidnapping the princess, er, Maria, to say “Damn.” Diva Search video package. Oh yeah, I’d forgotten that thing existed. THANKFULLY forgotten. I went to the bathroom and got something to drink during this, but I mean seriously, you don’t care. You can find cheap porn anywhere. As if we hadn’t had enough useless filler yet, they run down the Unforgiven card as well. Khali approaches the ring and King asks JR what he would do if Khali were his son. JR says he’d put him up for adoption, and King claims he’d go throw rocks at the stork at the zoo. Me? Well I’d probably have a post-birth abortion.

Random Commercial Thought: Lite bullets kill you 30% less!

Back to the show. In case you didn’t hate the Diva search enough, pay a full dollar per vote to do it without your computer on text messaging! HOT DAMN! Back to the show proper where they recap Rey bleeding from his moth by the Dual Handed CLAW. If inspector Gadget could beat the Claw, I’m pretty sure Rey Mysterio can. Jeff makes his entrance to some heavily building Hardy chants.

Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. World Heavyweight Champion The Great Khali w/ Arab Bischoff (Non-title Match)

Jeff dances around lightly and tries to come in with quick little kicks and punches, before running away again. Khali grabs and shoves Jeff across the ring before Jeff comes off the ropes with a splash. He tries another and Khali just clotheslines him. Khali starts to kick Hardy down to the corner while the crowd pumps for Jeff again. Jeff gets pummeled down and drags to the middle of the ring where Hardy is thrown to the corner. Hardy hit’s the Whisper in the wind and Khali swats him aside “Khali like funny fly!” Khali gives him a boot to eh face and follows with the Leg Clothesline. Hardy stumbles up and it’s the CLAW! Khali starts crushing Jeff’s head since he’s apparently changed the move to two hands now and calls it “The Vice Grip” that’s versatility! Now he has a two handed version! The ref for some reason doesn’t call the match until Jeff is knocked out and Khali stands on his chest for three.

Winner: Khali

While Khali celebrates, Batista’s music hits. He walks through a thousand miles of apathy to hit the ring and pear Khali down. Khali rolls to the floor to escape and they stare down.

Random Commercial Thought: Kung Fu Chicken.

Back to the show. Vince comes out and watches as all the male wrestlers from all the shows come down to the ring, minus a lot of certain individuals who shall remain nameless…unless you’re Sports Illustrated. Big Daddy V stares Vince down and Triple H is the last to come down. The announcers call Big Daddy Man-tits, Mark Henry. Apparently they can’t tell the difference between a gorilla and the black version of The Blob. Captain gay lawyer, appears on the screen and says we are going to play an elimination game (one of these men is not like the other). He says they are not Extreme and Vince thanks god it isn’t Balls. Next, his son has a fondness for gold. Vince keeps all current and former champions. Trips remains. Hacksaw gets cheers so he says Jim is old enough to be his own father HA.

The blue dog leaves a paw print on “His Sons skin is fair” so he’s Caucasian? “All you spics and niggers get out!” Coach asks if he has to leave but Vince keeps him there. Vince invites the remainder into the ring. His hair is as fair as his skin apparently so he’s blonde. Kane leaves and Sandman remains at least. That leaves us with Hunter, Sandman, JBL, Kenny, Cade and the crowd cheers for Kennedy big time who isn’t here. Murdoch remains as well I guess as well as Val Venis. The next clue is individual. So the tag team champs are kicked. Murdoch is all pissed. The last clue is his son loves to play the game (of life. Get out the spinner!). Oddly enough Hornswaggle should fit ALL of that criteria, yet I do not see him here.

Trips says he doesn’t like this anymore than he does. Vince says this isn’t right and something is wrong with this. The lawyer says that game could be hide and seek or as seen last Friday night, marbles. Fuck it, I knew it. He says things are looking up for Hornswaggle. God damn it. Trips dies laughing. I’ve lost all respect for this sport.

Hornswaggle humps his leg and celebrates. I. Hate. Vince. McMahon.

Lowlight of the Night: Shelton claws around in his dirt grave a little more.

Lowerlight of the Night: Hardy pointlessly jobs to Khali while not having any title feuds to have himself.

WTFWERETHEYTHINKING?! Award: Hornswaggle. Enough said. Actually you know what? No, that's not enough said. I mean seriously, what the FUCK?! I knew it! I knew they'd fuck this up and boy did they ever. Well thanks alot Vince. Thanks for making this storyline the GAYEST IT COULD BE.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (09/17/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the greatest show on earth~! Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey’s Circus! Well actually it’s WWE Raw. But at the moment you can’t really tell the difference can you? So it might as well be either one. This week: Right off the shocker that was the reveal of Hornswaggle McMahon, what will Vince do? And will he be able to defeat his greatest opponent, Apathy? As if we cared about Randy Orton any less, we have to see ANOTHER title match with him in it after his head was kicked in by John’s father. But for some reason, this doesn’t completely annihilate Orton like it does everyone else. GASP.

Raw 09.17.07

Show opens with a replay of Cena getting disqualified and Cena is live in the ring to heavily mixed heat. Take two parts Hate and one part Fangirl Love and stir thoroughly for this recipe. Cena is on the microphone to tell us he knows that some of us are a little upset with him. He says people are asking what’s wrong with him as we get some microphone feedback that sounds like rock rolling around in a tumbler. He apologizes for what he did and tonight he feels great. They zoom in on a confused looking little girl with a “Cena Fan” sign and an arrow. He says he feels great because last night he lost to Randy Orton and it’s so great he had to come out here and say thank you to his dad for being brave enough to show up and then make him the proudest son on the face of the earth. He continues this award acceptance speech by thanking Randy Orton for helping him put his life in perspective and was stupid enough to believe his father was an intentional distraction. He says Randy Orton is also stupid enough to want a rematch. He also says he’s stupid enough to destroy a hotel room and take steroids. That last one might or might not have been on the list. Cena says Couch is the dumbest by making it a Last Man Standing Match. He says this is great because what he did last night becomes perfectly legal. He says he will go through Orton like a knife through hot butter which sounds like some kind of gay sex joke. Cena gets interrupted by Jonathan Coachman who says Cena should be thanking him he still even has a job.

Coach is upset that Cena’s father blatantly attacked a WWE superstar instead of you know, like someone not old doing it. Coach goes on to say he should have fired Cena on the spot for touching him, but they needed him to keep the roster from looking thin. He says Orton gets revenge tonight because everyone wants to see Orton vs. Cena right here tonight. Cena thanks him, but Coach says the Last Man Standing Match was not enough and he met with his father this morning and that he fully intended on stripping Cena of the title, but his dad pleaded and begged for him to not do it. Coach says He would do anything to keep the title from being stripped and Cena’s dad sucks some good dick apparently. The match is in fact Cena Sr. vs. Orton Jr. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Is Kung Fu Chicken a movie yet?

Back to the show where Rainbow Bright is on his way to the ring as they show a replay of the dreaded DOUBLE CLAW OF DEATH OMGZ!!!11!!1 He’s going to take on Shelton Benjamin who is suddenly a singles competitor without a partner who didn’t at all get caught for drugs. Also apparently losing to Triple H gets you an IC title shot because his armpit sweat is apparently worth that much as he smothers you with it.

Shelton Benjaminvs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)

Shelton lays a knee into the gut and at least he’s toned his hair down some as he hit’s a Northern Light Suplex for two, it fails because he needed to use a Savannah Heat suplex. Get it?! He’s black! HaHA. Hardy hit’s a inverted atomic drop following by the low blow leg drop for two. Hardy begins to work the arm, because logically that is what is affected by damaging the balls. Obviously. I kind of zone out during some of these arm wrenches which seem to go on too long before Jeff is thrown off. Shelton is tossed to the apron and tries a sunset flip, but Hardy block and goes for a suplex. Hardy ends up being forced to dropkick Shelton to the floor while King calls Shelton the blond Bombshell, but I don’t think is boobs are big enough yet. Hardy suicide dives as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What’s up with some of these movies? Could the GOOD fall movies hurry up and come out? I demand Beowulf.

Back to the show where Shelton is in control and crushes Hardy for two. He gets pissed and yells at the ref which always gets them to change their decision. Always. Apparently Benji didn’t pay the bribe money through and the match continues. Hardy gets choked out in the corner. Shelton suplex Hardy for another two count. I swear I see the way he looks now and all I can think of is “Who loves Orange Soda? Shelton Dooooo!”

Shelton locks in a headlock (take a shot). Shelton continues to get near falls before setting up for a super kick. Hardy catches it and Shelton tries to counter with a full dragon whip, but Jeff steps back and they both clothesline. Standing ten count begins. Shelton tries a running foot in the corner, misses and gets clotheslined. Shelton eats a whisper in the wind, trying a Twist of Fate, but Shelton counters it into an inverted backbreaker for two. Shelton gets sent to the corner and dodges a splash by Hardy, getting two off of a Russian Leg Sweep. Hardy fights back when Shelton drags him up, going for a suplex, but Shelton drops into a reverse DDT for yet another close two count. Shelton tries pinning him for another two. Shelton whips Hardy to the corner, who floats over, causing Shelton to hit the turnbuckle. Shelton leaps up to the top for the suplex, but Hardy tosses him down and hit’s the Swanton for three.

Winner: Hardy

The next bit of time is dedicated to useless hos. Feel free to go get a sandwich. The follow up is Vince in his limo and he invites Coach into it saying he doesn’t care about what Coach just did (and no one else does either). Coach says Vince won’t have to worry about Hornswaggle much longer who is sitting in the limo scarfing Lucky Charms (Magically Delicious my ass). Vince has him in an infant seat because it’s the law for him to be restrained. Hornswaggle escapes his chair as Vince tells Coach to get him out of here. So funny, I forgot to give a shit. We go on to pimp Triple H poised to bury the tag division next as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: FEEEEAAAAST!

Cena is in the back talking to his father and trying to talk him out of the ring. He dad says the belt means everything to him because creative probably wouldn’t have anything for him if he lost it. Elsewhere, Santino is knocking on the Diva’s locker room. Some Big Titties blond comes out (I can’t tell them apart) to tell him Maria doesn’t want to talk to him. Santino goes on to say he didn’t want to watch The Condemned with her and Stone Cold’s performance was as good as Britteny Spears at the VMA. Jillian screams for him to leave Brit alone. She goes on to rattle about something or other with Ron Simmons and blah blah blah.

Elsewhere Vince goes to his office to hear Irish dance music and his office is decorated with pretty green things and Lucky Charms paraphernalia. There’s a magical unicorn and I bet if Vince polishes its horn he’ll get magical unicorn mayonnaise to make sandwiches with.

Random Commercial Thought: Cox is that fast. Haha….Cox…

Back to the show where Hacksaw and Daivari ar ein a capture the flag contest and oh would you look at that, it’s Red vs. Blue. The winner is whoever gets to his own country’s flag first.

Daivari vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Capture the Flag Match) The match starts and Daivari runs to his flag while Hacksaw waves his arms around like the Robot from Lost in Space. Daivari gets pulled down and Hacksaw levels him before grabbing for his own flag. Daivari takes him down and chop blocks Hacksaw, working the leg for a bit before making another go for it. Daivari scales the flagpole (HAHA….pole) and Hacksaw drags him down to get racked. Hacksaw goes for his flag so Daivari meets him up top only to get punches and sent down to the floor. Hacksaw grabs his flag and celebrates to the first actual cheers he’s probably gotten since 1992.

Winner: Hacksaw

Coach is in the back talking to Cody who says Orton kicked his dad and wants to wrestle in Cena Sr.’s place. Coach tells him no thanks and Cena meets him in the back saying he better call off the match and if he doesn’t he won’t be responsible for what happens to Orton or anyone. Coach says Cena has a match tonight against an opponent of his choosing and if he wins tonight the match will not happen and if he loses old Daddy C will be wrestling still so his dads fate is in his hands (Oooo dramatic!). Hornswaggle and Vince are next as we go back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: What is with this stupid badger commercial? Why can’t the E ever get some new commercials instead of running the same one unto infinity.

Back to the show where they pimp the PPV after the fact like people will bother to by the replay. One sign tells Vince to put his leprechaun on a leash. Hey! That’s racial slandering and slavery! Vince is out to talk that his grapefruit seeds produced a leprechaun. He has magic semen. Hornswaggle DDRs his way to the ring and dances around Vince until he screams for him to stop. Vince gets on eye level to talk serious business (like the internets) about how Hornswaggle will inherit money when or if he dies. He then drops the bombshell (cue the Dudleys!) that he’s been put up for adoption and invites out Hornswaggle’s new family. The woman gets a lot of wolf whistles for some creepy reason. They want him to join their family and Vince pushes the leprechaun to his new dad for a hug, whom he pantses and then beats up. Vince demands they sign anyway while the mother tries to run away, Vince blocking her off. Hornswaggle grabs her from behind for what I can only assume was midget rape. The Kowski’s run away as Hornswaggle says it’s just them now. Vince tells him to stay the hell away and the crowd boos at the little sad face.

Vince rants for a while until Triple H’s music interrupts. A big Triple H chant begins and Hunter reveals he was the one who decorated Vince’s office and asks him if he knows how hard it is to find a unicorn in Nashville. Bullshit. He says Vince has slept with some trolls, but didn’t know he was also into elves fairies and hobgoblins. Vince says he never slept with fairies (what about the other two?). Trips says he read otherwise on the interwebs. Trips run downs all the things Vince is short on, temper, sighted…and micro penile equipment (yawn). Vince asks if he’s finished and Trips says that is what Hornswaggle’s mom said (oh god…). Trips asks if he did her on the yellow brick road or made it to the smurf village. Trips has one last question and asks if his mom was magically delicious (in da hood). Vince reminds Hunter that he’s about to be in a match now as Cade and Murdoch come out. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s all about the cars. The Sexy…sexy cars….

Back to the show.

WWE Tag Team Champions Murdoch & Cade vs. Triple H (Handicap Tag Match)

Murdoch is in the ring with Trips and whips him out of a headlock (take a shot). Cade gets in the ring too and Hunter clotheslines them both. Trips sends both men to the floor and Carlito comes to the ring. Cade tries to attack from behind (RAPE!) but Trips ducks and tosses him to the ropes. Cade gets a swinging neck breaker for two. Carlito is apparently a distraction with his hair. Murdoch tags in and Cade lifts Murdoch into a leg drop on Hunter for two. Murdoch hit’s a Blockbuster on Trips for another two (OMG Buff let himself go). Big Carlito sucks chant going on while Cade tags in. Triple H chant of lameness lasts for two second while Cade gets a one count off of an elbow drop.

Chinlock begins (take a shot). Trips one man flapjacks Murdoch and Cade tags back in. Trips botches the Harley race knees and face busters Cade, following with a clothesline on both men. Trips starts pounding Cade in the corner and Murdoch attacks from behind. Trips makes Murdoch clothesline his own guy, sending him to the floor and hitting the spine buster on Cade for three.

Winner: Trips

Carlito runs in and the beat down begins. Londrick arrive to save the day and he looks nonplussed to be palling around with them. Londrick do their back flips off the turnbuckle then ask for handshakes. Trips grins and shakes their hands before pedigree them both because he hasn’t buried the entire tag division apparently.

Random Commercial Thought: Whatever happened to Robot Jones?

Back to the show where The Glamazon is here. Hot Damn….or not. Where’s Wonder Woman when you need her? Jillian and Melina are out next in matching outfits. Mickie and Michelle are next and I’m wondering which tat low sound is, the horn or the boos for Michelle’s music.

Mickie James & Women’s Champion Candice Michelle vs. Melina & Jillian Hall

Mickie and Melina tie up first with Mickie being forced to the corner, but she escapes with a head scissors (kinky). Mickie stops a corner whip and mule kicks Melina in the gut. Melina goes up top, but Mickie shoves her off, only to get shoved off by Jillian from behind. Jillian tags in and they double team for a moment before she tosses Mickie by her hair who is not at all carrying this match. Melina catches Mickie in the corner from an irish whip by Jillian, scissoring her head then oddly lifting a leg and dropping a boot on her skull, nice visual. Mickie makes the tag on an escape dive and nobody even cheers. Complete and utter apathy. Candice eventually northern lights on Melina, but Jillian breaks it up. Candice tosses her and misses a back body, botching the sell on a kick to the face. God this is horrible. Jillian uses the Unprettier for the win. UNPRETTIER. TAKE THAT CHRISTIAN!

Winners: Mickie & Michelle

Michelle and Beth stare off after the match.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m still trying to get over the fact there are like 90 billion racing titles out there and they all play exactly the same. It’s a fucking car. Go get a real one.

Back to the show where they pimp The Condemned which Stone Cold calls an original film (AHAHAHAHAHHAAA). Coach and Vince are talking in the parking lot and Coach says horns waggle hasn’t been seen, saying Vince might have scarred him for life. The screen then randomly changed to all purple GAH my eyes! Vince gets in his car and drives a away as the trunk opens to reveal Hornswaggle inside. Coach screams for Vince as it drives away. Pimping the mystery man vs. Cena as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Dr. Steve-O. What the fuck?

Back to the show. Cena is in the ring and the opponent for tonight it….WTF Santino Morella? What the hell? That’s more of a let down than I could ever imagine, except for it maybe being a magical leprechaun (That’s a HUGE PAYOFF!).

Santino Morella vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)

Morella dances around and does some kind of break dancing moves. Cena goes into the general offense with flying shoulder blocks into the proteome. Five Knuckle Shuffle follows. Santino tries to roll out of the ring and Cena runs out to grab him and toss him back in. Orton then runs in for the DQ.

Winner: Cena

Orton and Santino perform a beat down and Orton starts stomping Cena into a corner, handcuffing Cena to the ropes. Bondage Fairies! Cena rolls to the floor, still handcuffed to the ropes while Coach comes out to tell him it only counted if he won by pinfall or submission.

Random Commercial Thought: We Own the Night….we found it on eBay.


Orton apparently left so he could walk back down the aisle with his music. What an ass. Cena is all pissed, running around like a dog on a chain (haha, because he has the pit bull get it?). Cena tries to stop his dad from getting in the ring.

Randy Orton w/Kick O’ Doom vs. Cena Sr. w/o A First Name

Cena ties up with Orton and gets kicked down to the floor where Orton begins to do his stalking stomps on him while taunting Cena Jr. More stomps continue ad Cena Sr.’s brittle old bones snap like tender wood. Orton lays in with a sharp punch to the face. While Orton continues to stomp him, Cody Rhodes runs into the ring and causes the DQ.

Winner: Orton

Cody gets tossed to the floor and Orton whips him into the steel steps while Cena continues to try and get out of the cuffs by deconstructing the ring ropes. Cena Sr. eats a horrendously botched RKO just before Cena breaks the rope and attacks, forcing Orton to run for cover. Cena channels Darth Vader and raises hs hands to the sky: “NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Well, that might not have happened, but it should have. We have a lot of staring as we go off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Well, wehad a good showing between Shelton and Hardy that made up for a lot of the previous week’s suck, but not all of it.

Lowlight of the Night: Hornswaggle is on Smackdown, why the fuck do I have to see this still?

WWE “Creative” Award: Orton/Cena continues ad infinitum. Oh yay.


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (09/24/07) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to WWE Raw which has to share tonight’s air time with the premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Now, I’m not really sure who is on the show this time, only that it won’t be Stacy Keibler that’s for sure. But also, I’m kinda wondering about their celebrity selection anyway. I mean, we here at the TWF are, if you haven’t been listening, kinda a big deal. And I think we deserve to be exploited just like any other group of washed up hasbeens does!…..YEAH!

Tonight, it’s the build to the last man standing (against all logic) match for the latest Pay Per View-sploitation coming up. Will John Cena be able to hold his temper until then?! OMGZ tune in to find out!!! Elsewhere, Triple H plans to continue his build by destroying the tag division of Smackdown, but not even being on the show. He’ll simply wrestle his half of the match tonight and then Friday Deuce and Domino will be thrown around the ring like rag dolls by the sheer invisible FORCE OF WILL left behind from Hunter’s performance. Should be entertaining at least. Also, Hunter dusts some of the grave dirt out of Carlito’s hair in order to make him presentable enough for an UNFORGIVING STEEL CAGE (And if you believe JR, steel cages are carnivorous, but I heard the steel cage is an endangered species, most of it’s prey tending to escape in 20-30 minutes) tonight, and Coachman has a surprise for Hornswaggle….in his pants.

Raw 09.24.07

Show opens with theme and pyro and the Coach is in the ring with his completely legitimate security squad saying tonight he’ll be making an announcement that affects the career of Randy Orton. He then runs the slow motion footage of Orton eating it and the match from last week featuring Mr. I have no first name Cena. I think I’ll go get a soda. Coach says that for the record (I hope it’s a 48) he didn’t know Orton would use handcuffs and has suspended him indefinitely and the security is here to stop Cena from beating the hell out of him like he did to Regal, because Coach is clean. Vince is then introduced and comes strutting out. I sometimes wonder if he isn’t just a robot the way he does that fucking swagger. Vince says he and Coach should be respected for their Wisdom and Power (but they still need to defeat Link and claim the Triforce of Courage too). He says one person spits in his face and he’s tired of it and it’s Triple H who comes out and embarrasses him every week. Because OBVIOUSLY Triple H was the one who needed the rub from that angle. OBVIOUSLY. He says tonight Trips will be the one who gets embarrassed and defeated.

Vince goes on to point out the fifteen THOUSAND foot high steel cage and Carlito will be getting a tag team partner for the match, Vince himself. Cut. Print. Gay. Vince says he owes an individual an apology, Hornswaggle. JR calls the wave of apathy that washes over us a great ovation. Somebody check Jim’s hearing aid. Vince says he didn’t mean all the nasty things he said and it was all a test to see if Hornswaggle loved him not for the money like the other kids. Horny says he loves him and they hug. Awwwww….kill me. Vince says Hornswaggle gets to make decisions now and the ladies have been after him too he hears. Melinda is apparently trying to get into his tiny pants. Melinda forgoes her entrance and everyone gets pissed as Coach conveniently moves behind her and covers his crotch. She steals my Horny jokes and tells him she always thought he was cute. Hornswaggle pounces (POOOOOOUUUUNCE!….Period.)that ass, but Coach and Vince drag him off as Vince tells them to go get a drink and use protection.

Coach goes on to ask for a favor too, to become permanent GM when Cena’s music hits. Cena strolls down and grabs chairs from ringside, throwing them in the ring as the security surrounds Coach and Vince. Cena storms the ring and attacks, taking down Coach when security tackles him. Vince says he’d strip Cena of the belt right now, but he’ll let Coach decide if he surrenders the belt tonight in a ceremony.

Random Commercial Thought: Chatty Cathy needs to shut the fuck up before I pop her one.

Back to the show. Cody Rhodes is here. What? You aren’t excited? His opponent is returning to Monday Night Raw…he’s Hardcore….Hardcore Holly OMGWTFBBQ?! Holly says with a name like that he needs to be in a boy band instead of a ring and demands respect by earning it…or he’ll punch him for real!

Hardcore Holly vs. Cody Rhodes

Holly runs Cody over with a stiff shoulder block and then forces Rhodes to the corner. They face off and the break and have a shoving contest. Cody ducks a clothes line and hits an arm drag into an arm bar. Cody gets a sunset flip for two when Holly breaks it. This match is like being raped up the ass with a surprise dildo that turned out to be a cactus. Holly chops on Cody in the corner and rolls him down into a headlock (take a HARDCORE shot). Cody frees up and escapes an Alabama slam, flipping out. Russian leg sweep gets one and JR calls it a near fall. Cody gets a cross body and it gets one again and JR calls it two, making me believe Holly is kicking out early. Holly drops Rhodes to the apron out of a corner charge and Cody spring boards off the ropes, but Holly sidesteps. Alabama Slam follows. Elementary my dear Watson. Pure Shit Sherlock.

Winner: Holly

Shitty voting for the Divas segment, which thankfully gets progressively shorter every time its on.

Random Commercial Thought: David Spade doesn’t deserve a film even if it is a shitty Axe body spray commercial.

Back to the show. Stone Cold signs DVDs at FYE (great now it’s worth even less). King’s shirt has Zeus on it, not Jesus, but Hey, Zeus. Son of Olympus. As in, I will shove a lightning bolt up your ass, Zeus. They run a segment of Orton’s interview segment before he was kicked out. And you know what? I didn’t listen to a damn bit of it. I’m pretty sure I could intersperse sound bites from other Orton promos and get the same result. Though, for someone suspended indefinitely, he sure is confident he’ll be back in action next week. JR calls it “Indefinite Suspension….this week.” At ringside it’s the new MNM, Morella N Maria as they prepare for a match with Ron Simmons. Damn.

Random Commercial Thought: Bowflex can help you too gain a creepy old man muscle body.

Back to the show. Ron, still using his old APA theme, strolls out in his shirt and pants, since he was apparently too lazy to put on the Nation of Domination outfit.

Ron Simmons vs. Santino Morella w/ Maria

Ron scares Santino into a corner and then starts to hammer into him with clubbing shots. Morella rolls to the floor and runs around the ring from Simmons, kicking him on the way in, striking into the lower back. Morella shows off his pecs to Maria and puts on a chinlock. Ron is so stiff now a days this looks horrible. Santino bounces Ron off the ropes into a shot to the lower back. Morella taunts and stomps Ron. On blocks an Irish whip and starts clothing but Santino escapes a Dominator and runs up the aisle. Maria tries to coax him back to the ring, and Morella comes and drags her away.

Winner: Simmons (Not of the Richard variety)

Ron cuts a heartfelt promo about his childhood. Pimping of the Stripping as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Halo 3, A lot of hype but not enough bite.

Back to the show. Diva Search segment. God. Help. Me. Elsewhere, Melina is texting while Jillian talks to her about how horrible it is she’s dating a leprechaun. Melinda eventually confesses Coach told her she’d get a title shot if she does this. Elsewhere The Highlanders are asking for a title match against the Redneck Wrecking Crew. They ask for any type of match, ladders, tables or kilts on a pole match. Murdoch says if their kilts are on a pole and asks what they’ll be wearing. They lift their kilts and I can only assume it was a horrifying tentacle beast. The dreaded predatory cage lowers, and I’ve always wondered why cages can’t move when the lights aren’t strobing. Trips is on his way to the ring. He instinctually climbs to the highest point to spit his water in order to get maximum distance I guess. Carlito is out next followed his partner Vince “I’m not on the roids” McMahon. I’m guessing Carlito is borrowing Vince’s congressional clown wig, oh wait, that how he always looks. BAZING.

Carlito Caribbean Cool & Vince McMahon vs. Triple H (Handicap Cage Match)

Carlito distracts Hunter and Vince tries to escapes. Trips catches him and Vince and Carlito gang him up into a corner. Trips starts to fight back so Vince crawls for the door, but Trips drags him back. Hunter gets ganged up on again and Vince climbs the cage while Hunter powers out of a corner and clotheslines Carlito Trips racks Vince on the top rope, but Carlito low blows him. Instead of just casually strolling out of the door that he’s STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO, Carlito goes to put more pressure on Hunter as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Fuck your credit, Aaron.

Back to the show. I spent most of this part watching something else at the same time, but what I did pay attention to was Carlito gets shut down by being tossed into the cage wall. Vince gets the suck it and Pedigree, but Carlito blocks the pedigree with the Apple Jack. Vince crawls for the door while Carlito just cheers him on. Carlito eventually charges Trips and gets back body dropped in the cage. Vince claws at the floor, but Vince is dragged back by a foot. Carlito grabs Trips from behind and mounts him in the corner (haha…mount) while Vince tries to climb out. Carlito is tossed off and hunter meets Vince up top. Carlito gets kicked off when he tries to join, but he returns to drags Trips back down. Trips hangs onto one of Vince’s legs and knocks Carlito off. McMahon hangs on by one hand and Trips grabs his shirt, but Vince drops for the win.

Winners: Vince & Carlito

Trips gets pissed and spends the next hour destroying Carlito with pedigrees ramming him into the cage and the like while he screams at Vince. Trips Pedigrees Carlito onto a chair eventually to finish it up. I actually had time to do other stuff during this it took so bloody long.

Random Commercial Thought: Geico has really started to confuse me with its crappy commercials.

WWE Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch vs. Londrick (Non-Title Match) For some reason we come back right in the middle of a tag team match I have no idea why. Londrick stole their shorts from the Riddler it seems. Murdoch is working an abdominal stretch in on London who escapes and gets the tag. Kendrick starts hitting dropkicks and gets a two count on Murdoch. London runs in to kick Cade back out when he breaks up the pin, but London super kicks Murdoch. Sliced Bread 2 looks to have it all sewn up for Londrick but the Highlanders hit the ring and attack Londrick.

Winners: Cade & Murdoch

After the match The Highlanders claim they will get the shots now as we go to the back where Melina is taking a shower yet somehow has prefect face makeup still. Huh. Hornswaggle is peeping on her and when she spots him, she runs through the building screaming with a towel on. Right before she darts out, Hornswaggle snatches the towel as we go to commercial. WWE Creative at work folks.

Random Commercial Thought: Gershon- “Thumb jealousy? Are they talking about Umaga?”

Back to the show where Vince is in the back and Coach says Trips is looking for him. Vince says he doesn’t care if they have another back, he can beat him. Vince sends him along about his business and starts to pack his stuff MUCH more rapidly now. We move on to a Condemned trailer because this movie hasn’t been ran into the dirt yet. Not at all. At least they interview Morella about it. Afterwards we see a replay of the cage match results when Vince is escaping his office. Trips is right outside the door and repeats everything Vince just said, he must have stopped to watch a TV on his way there. Trips challenges for a match next week and Vince says he’s on. Trips says he’s screwed (Haha! See what he did there?….yeah…). They pimp the title stripping ceremony yet again as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: These people take Halo way too fucking seriously.

Back to the show. Replay of the best Raw match in months between Hardy and Benjamin. Speaking of Rainbow Brite here he comes for some mixed tag team actions. Are those glow sticks power wands or something? Candice is next and she’s from Milwaukee apparently since I didn’t care. She’s got power wands in her pants. If you cheer for her maybe she’ll give them to you. Shelton is next and he’s tagging with Beth Phoenix who is slowly progressing towards looking like a blonde Elvira.

Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy & Women’s Champion Candice Michelle vs. Shelton Benjamin & Beth Phoenix (Mixed Gender Tag Match)

Shelton and Hardy start off with Hardy getting the better of Shelton with a flying forearm. Shelton tosses Hardy off and eats a mule kick for his trouble. For some reason they dimmed the lights in the audience to show off glowsticks. Glamazon tries to toss Hardy from the top when he goes to dive off to Shelton on the floor, but Candice throws her off. Hardy and Michelle fly off on the heels as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Who needs brakes? Fred Flintstone didn’t.

Back to the match. Jeff apparently made the retarded decision of tagging Candice in during the break. Candice is getting worked over and not in the good way that requires mopping up. Candice flips into a sloppy sleeper or something and shoves Beth into a tag. Hardy unleashes on Benjamin and Jeff hit’s the Whisper in the Wind and JR calls it the Twist of Fate so King makes him look like an ass. Shelton counters a flying leg drop from Hardy into a power bomb to get two. Shelton goes for a chinlock (take a shot). Shelton hit’s the inverted backbreaker and pretty much botches it. Shelton and Hardy collide with each other and make the tag. Candice starts kicking at Beth and dropkicks her. She hit’s the best head scissors she’s ever down and flips over Beth in the corner to drop her by the hair, rolling her up for two. Candice runs into a heavy kick in the corner and hit’s a jawbreaker to keep herself from being PWNT. Hardy tosses Shelton from the ring and helps Candice hit Poetry in Motion on Phoenix. Hardy gets tripped by Shelton and Beth sneak attacks Candice to crush her with the stalling Fisherman’s suplex that Gershon has helped me name the Phoenix Arizona. for the win.

Winners: Shelton & Beth

After the match, Coachman talks to the press to tell them that by indefinite suspension he meant 24 hours and wishes he could have beaten Cena’s dad personally. Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: The Rock says go watch my new movie or I might have to go back to something I’m good at.

Back to the show where Coach and his posse of security are in the ring. They replay Vince’s announcement in case you forgot what was going on. He says it’s really up to Cena what happens, not anyone else. So Cena is demanded to appear and blahblah, entrance! Why doesn’t the belt spin anymore? Did he forget to use Energizers? Coach says he gets one chance to show the respect he deserves (that’s better than Vince’s NO chance policy! Get it?!). Coach demands him to beg. Cena takes off his dads tags and strips his shirt as Coach removes his jacket. There’s a ref running around to talk to Lillian Garcia. Coach starts talking about how the security will take Cena’s belt from him and haul him from the building while Cena readies it as a weapon. Coach has his security get ready and the bell rings. Uh…..

Lillian says she received an announcement from Mr. McMahon. By order of Vince, Cena will keep the title. The crowd pops huge. Coach says that’s a lie and furthermore a Main Event will commence right now of John vs. John in a John’s…er, I mean Tables match.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Jonathon Coachman (Tables Match)

Security ditches and Cena says Coach doesn’t know anything about respect, decking him one and scooping Coach into an FU. Cena drops him though and puts the STFU on first. Coach pretty much reuses to sell the move for some reason. Jeez Coach, chump. Cena scoops Coach and delivers the FU through the table to win. Winner: Cena

On the ramp it turns out the Mr. McMahon who made the decision was Hornswaggle. HAHA Like how they did the Mr. Cena joke! Get it?! It’s turn about! AHAHA-…I hate my life.

Highlight of the Night: Melina’s outfit. No joke. She was Fi-I-I-iiiiine.

Lowlight of the Night: Too much Hornswaggle. Seriously.

WWE “Creative” Award: Rhodes jobs to Hardcore fucking Holly. WHY?!


Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).