RAW RANT ARCHIVE (September 2006)
Welcome to tonight’s DOUBLE FEATURE! No it’s not back to back crappy movies, it’s me The Gersh
covering the first hour or so (depending on when and if Cameron gets back from whatever supposedly more important things he
has to do, and that’s a big IF) and then Cameron will be on the keyboard for the second hour of tonight’s Raw.
I guess it’s up to you which one is better. Cameron
Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night.
That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked
by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most
of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Tonight we have Jeff Hardy going for his first title since his return against Johnny Nitro for the Intercontinental Title. I hope he doesn’t "blow" it or someone might "smack" him for being such a "dope" and a "drug addict". Oh wait, I messed up the joke there. Oh well. Also, according to WWE.com the new tag team Cryme Tyme will be debuting which is "an effort to humor and entertain the fans by parodying racial stereotypes". WWE doing something related to race? Well that’s a five hundred and sixty first! We’ll also no doubt get ANOTHER glimpse of John Cena’s upcoming movie because no matter how crappy it is, they can still shove it down our throats through advertising. I swear, I think they showed more commercials for "See No Evil" then they actually had screenings of it.
Tonight we are live from the old WCW stomping grounds of Atlanta (finally the Braves won’t make the playoffs this year it looks like). Just before the show starts they are showing the same thing that put this show over on Sci Fi last week, US Open tennis. Serena Williams just lost to the #1 female tennis player at about two minutes before Raw even though they were going to switch networks at the top of the hour. Good timing! By the way, Raw next week is from Madison Square Garden here in NYC and I don’t have tickets yet but I will see if any good seats pop up next Monday afternoon ( I had success with that last year getting 9th row) and they are also taping ECW that night.
Show opens with a recap of Edge and Cena’s actions of last week with the contract signing and when Edge names the stipulation and location of their match for Unforgiven. We go live without pyro or theme with Edge in the ring setting up tables, ladders and chairs. JR makes mention of the US Open being on another network and no doubt many tennis fans just tuned in wondering if Andre Agassi became the WWE Champion after retiring (and magically growing his hair back in a mere two days). Edge says Cena can’t win this match because Edge always wins it. I wish they would rename this "Glorified Ladder Match". They show a video package that looks like a movie trailer of his history in TLC matches and I laughed when one of his big important traits is "he’s Canadian". He blabbers a little more then Cena runs in the ring and Edge tries to jump on him but Cena picks Edge up and FU’s him into the table. He then throws the ladder on him as well as the chair and we then go to commercial
Commercial Comment: Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher, now there’s a movie pairing I never even thought of! Would that be considered a nightmare team?
Back live, Jeff Hardy is painting a wall and then says to Maria he is watching Nitro’s press conference from last week. She says it looks like he’s watching paint dry. He says "exactly". That was so bad it was funny. Back at ringside, Hardy’s music hits (did he even wash the paint roller?) followed by Nitro and Melina.
Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Jeff Hardy (Rainbow Hair Match)
Dropkick by Nitro and quick pin attempt with no success. Hardy gets an inside cradle and then a backslide but neither works. Dropkick by Hardy which takes Nitro to the outside. After a commercial, Nitro has a chin lock on Hardy in the ring. Hardy breaks it but Nitro pulls him down by his hair. Nitro focuses on Hardy’s lower back which seems to be injured and does a back suplex. Nitro tries a fancy leg drop but misses and Hardy nails a jawbreaker. Nitro then catches a running Hardy and drops him throat first on the ropes. Pin attempt but only two. Nitro gets a back breaker followed by a side Russian leg sweep and locks in a reverse bear hug. Nitro then goes for a suplex from the top rope but Hardy counters and gets Nitro with an electric chair drop. Flying forearm delivered by Hardy which is followed by a back body drop. Pin attempt but to no avail. Hardy then throws Nitro to the corner and gets the Whisper in the Wind and then goes for the Swanton Bomb but Nitro breaks it up. Hardy then gets the Twist of Fate but before the referee can count to three Melina stops him which causes the disqualification.
Winner by DQ: Jeff Hardy
Coming up next is Trish’s farewell address as well as later tonight the next chapter in the DX-McMahons saga. Off to commercials!
Ironically based on where tonight’s show is, on this day in wrestling history WCW Nitro made its debut. Trish is walking backstage and comes across Lita. She’s glad she came across her (I would like to come across her too) because she was going to call her out for one last match. Lita accepts and it’s for the title at Unforgiven. Trish says "Just bring it bitch", Lita slaps her and Trish attacks which is broken up by Carlito and then Orton gets involved.
Here is the obligatory "Marine" segment where everyone kisses John Cena’s ass. I find it funny that the director said "if you like John Cena in the ring, you’ll like this movie." Well that says it all doesn’t it?
Lita is arguing with Coach outside Vince’s office about the earlier attack when Shane comes out from the door. Shane makes a tag match between Lita and Orton against Carlito and Trish but Lita says she needs to be with her man. Shane agrees and makes a six person tag with Lita, Orton, and Edge vs. Trish, Carlito, and Cena. Coach kisses Shane’s ass (figuratively not literally as recent shows have been) as we go to commercial.
Back live, the "leaner and meaner" Chris Masters (which is another way of saying off the juice). He issues an open challenge and Super Crazy answers. Hmm, I guess this is one of those "contract loopholes"?
The Masterpiece Chris Masters vs. Super Crazy (Super Master vs. Crazy Piece, lame but it sounds like a bad anime fight doesn’t it?)
Super Crazy hits a dropkick and then Masters gets control and rams Super Crazy’s shoulder to the post. Back inside, Masters hits a slam but Crazy comes back with a kick and when Masters is on the floor, he flips over the top rope with a Swanton Bomb. Crazy goes for a move off the top back inside and misses and Masters goes for the MASTERFULL Nelson but Crazy avoids it and soon after gets a drop toe hold which gets Masters to go face first into the second turnbuckle. Super Crazy hits a moonsault from the top rope and gets the three count.
Winner: Super Crazy
Maria is still watching "Nitro’s press conference" backstage as we go to a recap of last week’s McMahon beatdown of DX.
Hey look who just showed up! Well ladies and gentlemen (wait do any women read this?) here’s the true Mr. Monday Night Cameron Burge!
Hey, I’m back, isn’t that great?! Did you miss me?...No?....Assholes...
Anyway, this would probably be a whole lot easier if I had ANY idea what the fuck was going on right now tonight. Fortunately I can pretty much hypothesize something close to what happened to fill myself in, and although in my version all the diva’s are naked and Vince McMahon has a trouser malfunction that causes his pants to reach up and throttle his own neck in the middle of the ring, I think it is both accurate enough and probably more entertaining than the version that actually occurred.
Okay, anyway Vince heads to the ring, followed by Big Show who looks like the world’s creepiest Big & Tall Store customer. The McMahons and Show meet and greet in the ring for a bit to shine the ECW Title before Shane says he told DX they would not be tolerated and he hasn’t had that much fun in years. Shane says just as a reminder DX has a date with Big Show tomorrow night. Show brings out his Thesaurus apparently in the description of what DX did. I would tell you more of what was said but to be perfectly honest with you guys, I zoned out entirely until DX comes out. I’m pretty sure I was hypnotized into buying more Shopzone items like wrestlers’ signed underwear.
Hunter and Shawn arrive with weapons and says its been a long time since they tasted their own blood. Hunter says he has two words for them, thank you....for reminding them who they are. They drop the mic and here they come until security stops them. Anyway DX hits the ring with chair and sledge hammers to crush the security swarming them with weapons and signature moves. The McMahons and Show run like the fucking Benny Hill show as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial thought: Battle Royale’s should be held like the Koushun Takami classic novel.
Here comes some tag teams for a shot at the titles while the squad comes to ringside to watch. This is a weird match. One Member from all three teams will be in at the same time.
The Highlanders vs. Charlie Haas & Viscera vs. Cade & Murdoch (Triple Threat Tag Team Match)
Some stuff happens, not quite sure what’s going on yet, but the Highlanders are instantly shot down when Murdoch takes down Rory. Murdoch works over everyone until Viscera comes in and powerslams him, overpowering Rory and chopping him down in the corner. He tosses Rory to Haas and Viscera’s corner, tagging Charlie in. Charlie drop toe holds Rory into a big leg drop from Viscera for two. Viscera smashes Cade and Murdoch in the corner together before Charlie and Viscera help Irish whip one another to send Viscera into the corner. Murdoch manages to clothesline Viscera over the ropes to the floor. Charlie looks to be German suplexing Murdoch, but Robby tag in from Rory and sunset flips over them both to make Haas German suplex Murdoch and get the three on Charlie Haas for the win.
They run a Smackdown rebound and then Carlito makes fun of Orton’s "catching a fat bitch from a window" pose with Trish in the back as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: OH NO! THE MONKEEEEYYYS!
Back to the show. We get Maria with the kiss cam before Flair’s music hits afterwards. He wants a kiss from Maria and he gets it and apparently it sends him into convulsions. He gets interrupted in his promo about Foley by Armando Allejandro Estrada. He says Flair should declare Umaga the man since he beat the man, but when Umaga arrives, Kane arrives right behind him and its on now bitch! Kane fights off both Umaga and Estrada before booting Umaga right over the ropes. Umaga tries to rush back to the ring, but Kane calls his PILLARS OF FLAME to block the entry as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: BowFlex is like the oldest fucking commercial thought planet still today.
Back to the show where we get a hilarious training video from Cryme Tyme featuring them robbing a Smoothie store. Teddy arrives through the crowd to Teddy chants as we go to King and JR who break down the PPV card for us so far. We go to the back with the McMahons and Show. Maria’s still watching the good old paint dry. Vince waves the McMahon DVD around in an oh so subtle pimp as he says he’ll Main Event in Madison Square Garden for the first time next week. We go to ringside with Edge’s arrival and a replay of Edge getting beaten by Cena earlier tonight I guess. Orton follows him out as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Nothing hurts quite like anal warts.
Back to the show. Carlito is out next, followed by Trish with whatever the fuck that RAT is that died on her head. The crowd pops for Cena big time tonight. If they tell me who hasn't been in a TLC and who has never lost one, one more time, I will kill JR with a mallet. What’s with a TLC match anyway? I never learn anything during them. They should have to fight with text books.
John Cena & Carlito Caribbean Cool & Trish Straus vs. WWE Champion Edge & Women’s Champion Lita & Randy Orton (Six Man Intergender Tag Match)
Cena starts with Orton and gets an early two count, before suplexing Orton to tag in Carlito. Carlito is hot out of the corner with heavy lefts that send Orton reeling. Orton counters on Carlito with a thumb to the eye and tags in Edge, but Edge eats a big dropkick from Carlito to tag Cena back in. Cena goes on town with clotheslines on Edge but we can’t really see what’s happening because the camera centers on ORTON’S ASS CRACK, and Edge tags in Lita. Lita gets in and Cena tags in Trish who wants a piece. The catfight begins and when Orton eats a bitchslap, all hell breaks loose, but the heel retreat in fear of Cena and Carlito, all three diving to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Eureka! I discovered something else to watch!
Back to the show. Trish is unleashing on Lita when come back and they both go down, tagging out to Carlito and Orton. Orton is crumpled by a big clothesline before being thrown in the corner for mounted punches. Carlito gets distracted by the heel so Orton can toss him to the floor, Edge and Lita tackling him for a beat down. They roll Carlito back in for a two count by Orton. The ref gets distracted by Cena trying to stop the double teaming when Edge steps in and Orton chokes Carlito out on the ropes and knocks him in the temple.
Carlito takes a running shoulder block to the gut in the corner from Edge and more double teaming as Orton tags in for a rib shot. Orton starts stomping Carlito’s chest and holds the ropes to stand on it. Orton and Edge distract the ref over Cena while Lita chokes Carlito out on the apron. Carlito hits a hard knife edge chop on Edge, then another and begins fighting back, but Edge stops the momentum with a clothesline for two. Orton tags in and goes for abdominal stretch on Carlito, hitting small chops to the ribs. Carlito tries to makes the ropes and Orton grabs the ropes, but its so obvious even the ref finally sees it. Orton breaks and tags in Edge. Edge hits him only a couple of times before Orton tags back in and does a headlock (take a shot). Enziguiri on Orton takes Orton down. Trish and Lita tag in while Edge eats it from Cena on the floor. Orton and Edge try to take Trish, Cena runs in. He hits a double clothesline and Carlito comes off the top on Orton. It comes back down to Lita and Trish. Lita hits a snap suplex and goes up top. Trish counters with the Stratusphere and sets up for the chick Kick. Edge is behind her waiting with a spear, but he collides with Carlito. Orton runs in and hits an RKO on Trish for Lita to pick up the three while Edge holds back Carlito.
Winners: Edge, Lita and Orton
After the match, the show pretty much just goes off the air. The end. Finito...no more...LEAVE.
Highlight of the Night: I have NO idea. I would say the Paint drying. That’s quality entertainment right there.
Lowlight of the Night: Maria makes out with a bowl of Jello-O...I mean Ric Flair.
Eugene Award: Every recent Champion has a woman with them right now who saves their title (though one traded in for a midget I guess) so the fact every match ends with their interference gets pretty Eugene.
Welcome to tonight’s DOUBLE FEATURE! No it’s not back to back crappy movies, it’s me The Gersh
covering the first hour or so (depending on when and if Cameron gets back from whatever supposedly more important things he
has to do, and that’s a big IF) and then Cameron will be on the keyboard for the second hour of tonight’s Raw.
I guess it’s up to you which one is better.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (09/11/06) By
Whoo! The 9/11 edition of Raw! You know what that means? The Return of Muhammad Hassan in his own personal low
flying Jet when it finishes off DX’s work for them by slamming into the WWE Tower? Or possible Hacksaw Jim Duggan ranting
for an hour or so incoherently about Freedom? (Sadly that one might happen) Or even better! An annoying patriotic video that
you’ve probably seen five others of on various channels today alone? If you chose the last, then you win the booby prize,
and no it isn’t Melina and Trish.
Show opens with a moment of Silence.
I said a moment of silence.
The Marine Corps Honor Guard is out (hey it’s just like Nascar!) Lillian (looking hot >.>) sings the America the Beautiful to pictures that might call up emotions in people with hearts, unlike me. I traded in my emotions for a cheese sandwich. And how do we kick off this patriotic, tear-jerking moment? With a Jell-Oish old man in a pink robe and a fat-ass Samoan. Sounds about right to me. Estrada has apparently been demoted to handler now.
Ric Flair vs. Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrrrrradaaa
Flairs opens with heavy chops, but Umaga rolls through him. Umaga goes to town, tossing Flair like a rag doll until his knee gets clipped, but he recovers and Estrada gets up on the apron to signal the Spike. The ref is distracted by Estrada, so Flair low blows with his fist twice then kicks him in the nuts as well. Umaga still only goes to a knee. Flair grabs a chair, comes in and cracks Umaga in the face, but he just stands there. Flair doubles it up and he still stands there.
Winner by DQ: Umaga
Flair runs to the stairs and grabs them, but Umaga slaps them from his hands Samoan drops Flair on the outside. Umaga tosses the stairs into the ring and is going to throw Flair back in when Kane’s music hits. The two brawl in the ring and Kane goes for a choke slam, but Umaga powers out with a belly to belly suplex. Umaga grabs the chair and levels Kane with it, but Kane sits up while Umaga’s back is turns. Umaga comes running with the chair right into a big boot and Kane takes the chair to send him to the floor. Kane crushes Umaga on the outside with the stairs, sending him into the crowd. When Umaga and Estrada regroup, they’re cut off by flames again as we go to outside the arena.
Vince says he and Shane are about to walk in along the walk of fame. They mention Ali, Larry bird and other and Vince says the biggest name happens to be roped off. Vince McMahon. Apparently it’s because no one steps on him. .....Now I want to go to MSG and drag my ass on his name
JR and King pimp the card for us as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Dehydrated Racers? Say that’s a problem to Mad Max before we talk.
Back to the show. They show Cactus Jack getting back dropped through the cage and a full compliment of the NYPD Highland Drum Core with pipes. The highlanders are of course not far behind before being followed by Rowdy Roddy Piper. He says he found a magazine for the 51 worst offenders in the WWE and he was number one. Piper says he’s proud to be here with the #1 Tag Team Contenders. He asks which ones they are. He and Robby keeps introducing their names to each other. Rory has to slap Robby to make him stop and says Robby like it. Roddy tries it and before long everyone is slapping each other. Roddy tells us he hasn’t had this much fun since he beat up Mr. T. The Squad arrives to mess up our good fun. They say it doesn’t matter whether they call them kilts or skirts, the simple fact is that the Highlanders, Piper and the NYPD is dressed like girls. Piper says it is good talk for guys who voluntary removed their testicle to replace them with pompoms. Piper says it’s been a long time since he had a fight here and asks for a six man tag right now. They have a huddle and agree before Piper sends out the NYPD. The Squad talks them down, but the Pipes and Drum advance on them until the Squad hide in the side while they go by and we bagpipe off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: No wonder Rock shaved his head for a while, the bastard’s forehead is extending backward at a steadily increasing march against his hairline.
Back to the show.
The Highlanders & Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. World Tag Team Champion The Spirit Squad
The Match is underway and Roddy tags in Robby to double team a Squad member, but the ref gets distracted for all the Squad members to rush in and switch things up on Robby. Mikey tags in and works Robbys arm some more before tagging out again. Whoever this one is attacks Robby for a while then tags in Nicky. Nicky picks up two and goes for a headlock (take a shot). Spirits Squad springboards a member into Robby’s face and I really can’t keep track of which is which. Anyway they botch the move and Mikey gets two on Robby before going for a neck vice. Robby fights out and gets countered in an elbow charge. Kenny hits a flying reverse elbow after tagging in for two. Robby tries to crawl to the corner, but Kenny grabs his leg and drags him back. Johnny hits a running kick to the head and sunset flip for two and a clothesline. Reverse chinlock comes in to a headlock (take a shot). Johnny cheap shots Rory off the apron and gets back dropped by Robby. Piper tags in and starts clubbing Squad members with big knee lifts. Mikey goes to the floor and Kenny get back dropped onto everyone else on the outside. The highlanders Slingshot the remaining squad member onto the rope into a suplex for Piper to pick up the three.
Winners: Highlanders & Piper
After the match we go to Nitro and Melina bitching about Hardy when they see him painting on a tiny picture which for some reason he has huge BUCKETS of paint for. Nitro kicks the easel over and Hardy screams "That’s my painting!" (EMOOOO!). Hardy retaliates by throwing the yellow and blue paint buckets all over him, leaving Nitro and Melina to splash in paint on the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I‘m eating Graham Crackers.
Back to the show with more Hell in a Cell clips. Edge and Lita are out for another six man tag. Edge gets on the mic to say tonight is Cena’s final Raw appearance and since John is returning to his roots he will go back to what made him popular in the first place, throwback Jerseys and more raps. Edge crooks his hat and reads a rap about beating Cena and punking New York a few times. Eh. Orton comes out next followed by Nitro who now resembles a movie star with a secret fan love of football with all that paint. Off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Why do you need to be buff to play in a rock band? All that heavy lifting (that the roadies do for you)?
Back to the show. The Artists Formerly known as Jeff is followed by Carlito and Cena. Carlito gets huge pops.
Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina & World Champion Edge w/ Women’s Champion Lita & Randy Orton w/ Long Fucking Tag Team Name Ever vs. John Cena & Carlito Caribbean Cool & Jeff Hardy (Six-Man Tag Match)
Nitro starts off with Hardy and tries to force Hardy tot he corner, but the table gets quickly turned. Hardy whips him to the corner and spring whips from the corner into Nitro’s sternum. Carlito tags in and big Carlito chants with a guy who looks EXACTLY LIKE HIM going crazy in the crowd. Carlito hasn’t been this hot ever before in his fucking career. Orton tags in, but Carlito gets the upper hand on him with a boot to the face and a left handed clothesline. Reverse elbow keeps the pressure on for two. Orton makes a tag to edge who eats a Hurricanrana for two from Carlito as well. Cena tags in as does Orton when Edge runs from him. Orton looks pissed. Cena chants begin and Cena comes in with rights. Cena hits a fisherman on Orton for two when Edge breaks it up. Cena jumps him and beats him down in the corner when Orton comes from behind. Orton keeps the pressure on but Nitro tags in and gets beat down for his trouble.
Carlito tags in, sends Nitro down for two and gets a low blow from Nitro. The crowd is hot for this match. Orton tries to pick up two on Carlito and goes for a headlock (take a shot). Carlito breaks loose and clotheslines for two of his own. Orton recovers as Hardy tags in and clotheslines Orton big time over the ropes, but Orton holds onto them to stay inside. Hardy sends Randy to the corner to stomp him down and hangs Orton up on the middle ropes. Second time sends Orton to the floor over the ropes. Carlito gets in and kneels down for the whisper in the wind over the rope, but Hardy trips, hangs up in the rope and falls over to barely hits Orton at all. Jeff/Orton dueling chants begin as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I remember Normandy, it was that cool opening sequence in that one movie....
Back to the match. Hardy has pretty much been worked down the whole break. Orton is working his leg with stomps and tags in Edge. Edge goes to work, but Hardy escapes to tag in Carlito. Carlito tries his springboard maneuver, but Edge pulls the rope down and Carlito crashes to the floor. Nitro and Edge crush Carlito and toss him back in for Orton to work him over more. Nitro tags in for a leg lock and Cena chants start up. Nitro breaks up the hold then elbows Carlito and keeps the pressure on for two. Nitro eventually goes for the tried and true headlock of doom (take a shot) and Carlito fights up. Reverse flying elbow hits and takes Nitro down and Carlito crawls to tag Cena. Cena takes down everyone of course and hits a nice flip over facebuster on Nitro. Edge takes the Protobomb and is set up for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Orton is ready for an RKO behind him, but Carlito hits the Apple Jack on Orton and set shim up for a Swanton from Jeff. Cena scoops Edge into the FU, but Nitro rescues him only to get it himself. Edge and Lita are already up the aisle as Nitro taps out to the STFU.
Winners: Cena, Carlito and Hardy
Random Commercial Thought: Nobody beats Aaron’s (meat).
Back to the show.
We get to see some more Cryme Tyme training video and we learn that one should never run with a heavy wallet. We go to Vince ranting incoherently in the back about how glorious tonight will be as we go to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Monkey vs. Robot!
Back to the show. Masters is in the ring for Super Crazy.
Super Crazy vs. Chris Masters
Super Crazy tries to start with quickness, but Masters catches him into a power bomb drop of sorts. Masters beats on him while he’s down and goes for a headlock (take a shot). Super Crazy escapes and comes off the top with a cross body for two before being shoved to the corner for a hard shoulder charge. Super Crazy goes to the other corner to eat a clothesline from Masters. Chris misses the third tries and Crazy hit a drop toe hold into a springboard kick. Crazy goes up top for a dropkick and moonsault for two. King says this reminds him of all his moves like the fatty flab of death I guess. Crazy arm drags out of a hold and kicks Masters in the head. Crazy tries a Hurricanrana and springboard off the top rope in mid-spin to reverse it into a sunset flip for three.
Winner: The Mentally Impaired
We see a video about the Marine and Trish getting ready in the back for her final appearance on Raw as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Why don’t cheerleaders ever do musical interlude with me?
Back to the show. It’s time for Mickie James and Trish Stratus. They are going to go at it and I bet this will be a positively CLASSIC women’s match in fact you won’t want to miss this one for anythin- Oh look
Oh, well imagine; as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor, and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words. "What a beautiful wedding!, What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter. "Ah yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore." I chimed in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I chimed in "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of hope. Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved Well this calls for, a toast so, pour the champagne Oh! Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne, pour the champagne. I chimed in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I chimed in "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. Again.. I'd chime in "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!" No. It's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I'd chime in "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
Okay. ...oh Guess we missed it. Trish wins in spite of Lita being on the apron. Trish grabs the mic for her going away speech..."Thanks for coming along on this awesome ride." .....That’s it? Man, I want my money back!...Oh wait, I didn’t pay. More Hell in a Cell footage as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Limited time only you can catch the original Star Wars Trilogy on DVD completely unedited.
Back to the show. This week in history is the 9/11 recovery Smackdown. They run down the Unforgiven card and we go to the back where DX are confronted by Cade and Murdoch, but they start pummeling them. Shane attacks from behind to turn the tide and Big Show arrive to slam HBK into a limo. They shut the door on his head. Vince comes and kneels down next to Trips and says he’s bleeding which is good because tonight the match is No Holds Barred as we go to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: If they have Poker Chips, why isn’t there Poker Dip?
Back to the show. Vince swaggers on out and the DX theme hits. Trips staggers out, bleeding heavily from his ear. Her throws off some little short dude in a suit who is apparently a doctor trying to restrain him.
Vince McMahon vs. Triple H
Vince just keeps pegging Trips with boxing shots every time he tries to stumble up. Vince hits a head butt and Hunter crawls to a corner. Vince head butts him again and slams hunter’s head into the turnbuckle. Vince goes for the kidneys and takes his belt off GOD LEAVE THE PANTS ON. Vince chokes Hunter out with the belt. HBK chants are going. Vince sends Hunter outside and rubs Hunter into the ring post. He kicks Hunter in the face and according to JR it is worthy of a "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! What a VILE kick right to the bloody face!" Back in the ring, Hunter tells him to suck it. Vince lands a pedigree on Hunter for two when Hunter kicks out and sits up. Vince kicks him in the head and starts punching him but Hunter keeps rising like a zombie.
Trips fights back with rights and delivers a double A spine Buster. Shane runs in, but Hunter has him ready for a pedigree when Vince breaks it up. Shane stomps hunter and Vince takes over while he fetches a chair. Shawn comes hobbling down the aisle to take out Shane with the forearm and nip up. Atomic drop and Big Show is in. Shawn run and jump onto him, but gets planted with a huge power bomb. Hunter retrieves a sledge hammer, but Shane stops it. Show holds up Shawn for a chair shot from Shane. They then do the same for Hunter, but Vince wants to use the sledge hammer instead personally. Vince covers him for three.
Winner: Vince McMahon
And uh...that’s it. The end.
Highlight of the Night: Tough choice. I was really surprised to find myself into tonight’s show. I think I’ll give it to the Cena and Edge six man tag as the crowd was really behind it, making it extremely entertaining.
Lowlight of the Night: Trish’s goodbye speech was less than spectacular to say the least.
Eugene Award: The Main Event. A Clusterfucked, ego-boost for Vince I suppose. Nothing entertaining about it.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm,
Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron
was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also
dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his
Raw Reports or die.
WWE RAW RANT: (09/18/06) By
So, apparently a lot of people were hatin’ this past week over Panic at the Disco taking place over Trish Stratus.
So I suppose I need to make a formal statement regarding the mo-ness of the band and such. Yes, Panic at the disco is a group
of very emo people, however, prior to writing last week’s article, I’ve never even seen the band, and I found
the music to be quite good at any rate. Also, where are you going to find a ten foot royal cock? Most royalty has notoriously
small genitals. Unless you’re like Booker T or something. Because you know...he’s black.
Anyway, yeah. So...I make no apology. So eat your squirrel meat and shut the fuck up.
Show opens with Cena getting introduced as champion to a chorus of boos. Amazingly enough they somehow constructed a new belt that looks exactly like his old one which was OBVIOUSLY destroyed in the water...right? Cena says the champ is here and some little girl is holding a "Marry me I’m legal" sign. We’re all declared Jedi over the disturbance in the force. Cena takes a break to laugh at the almost idioticness of our crowd tonight which can’t even make up a chant on they’re own. It’s ridiculous. Really it makes the crowd look like morons since the guy they hate is taking the time to laugh his ass off at them. He recaps everything that happened between him and Edge and it has come to an end. Edge comes out to a huge pop and calls it a fluke. He says he’ll use his rematch clause to win his third championship. Cena says he saw something in Edge he never saw before last night, hunger and fire and he respects him for that. Finally some ALMOST coherent chants start. Cena says coming out right now leaves Edge two options. Option A is have a gigantic one man live sex celebration and go screw himself. The second is to have a rematch right now. Edge says they seem to think he has a decision to win his title back in Canada, but Edge says it isn’t Canada, this is the inbred cousin of Canada, Montreal. He’s kind of right on that. Way to get some heat. Cena notes how now everyone wants him to beat the hell out of the person they just loved to a big pop. Classic Heel/Face here.
Edge claims he wants revenge. He calls out his backup plan and Cade and Murdoch come out to hit the Redneck Whirling Dervish on Cena. Edge says they are the same men who beat down DX last week and they’ll have no trouble helping with Cena. DX’s music hits of course and assists in Cena clearing the ring. (The Gersh: I wonder how many people popped for DX then went oh shit I forgot Shawn Michaels was in DX)The Coach’s music hits next. He tells us his name for no reason. He declares a six man tag of course. Commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: Midgets are funny.
Back to the show. Anyway, Coach is having superstars do videos for the recovering Vince McMahon. Shelton is first. He bitches about not being picked as the partner for the McMahons and he wants to know why. He decides it is because he is black. Coach makes him leave then over Affirmative Action. You go Brother! We go to ringside with Umaga whose music soon gets cut off by Kane’s. Rematch time.
Kane vs. Umaga w/ Armando Ellejandro Estrrrrradaaa
Kane wastes no time before the brawl begins. Umaga gains the upper advantage with a belly to belly suplex. Estrada fetches a chair and tries to bring it in, but the ref takes it. Kane comes in through and sandwiches the ref with the chair and Umaga, squashing him. Kane plants Umaga with a DDT and Estrada gets on the apron. Kane goes for him, but Umaga decks him out cold with the chair. Umaga goes for the cover, but a new ref has to come, only getting a two count as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Bowflex is the schiznit!
Back to the match. Kane takes a Samoan Drop from the bulldozer, which funny considering his tribal theme suggests he’s probably never even seen a bulldozer. Kane crawls to the corner and counters the Ass Crash. Kane starts rocking Umaga on his feet with clothesline and finally takes him down with a flips over clothesline. Kane hangs Umaga up on the top rope before grabbing the chair form the outside. The ref tells him not to use it, but Umaga counters the chair shot with a shot tot he chin. Umaga misses a corner charge to ram his shoulder into the ring post. Kane comes off the top with the flying lariat. Kane signals the chokeslam and picks up the chair instead. He tosses Estrada off then cracks Umaga in the face.
Umaga staggers then takes another. The third shot finally levels him as Kane absconds with Estrada.
Random Commercial Thought: The Boys are back in town...hide the children!
Back to the show. Kane attacks Estrada in the back still, whipping him around and slamming him into the bay doors. He says he has a spike of his own and grabs a steel spike when Umaga attacks from behind. Umaga slams Kane into the door repeatedly, leaving him on the ground and making off with Estrada like a bag of loot. Afterward, Kane sits up and grins. We go to the superstar interviews with Maria who talks about when Vince was Johnny Carson’s side kick and a Superbowl champion (LMAO). The Spirit Squad runs her off as we find out one of them challenged Ric Flair to match tonight as we go back to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I like chocolate miiiilllk...
Back to the show. They introduce Kenny instead of Johnny for some reason. Johnny sends the rest of the squad off and then gets in the ring with the Nature Boy.
Johnny w/ World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad vs. Ric Flair
Johnny works on Flair early until Flair fights back with chops and sends Johnny down. The Nature Boy hits a running knee chops and follows Johnny to the outside with more chops. Johnny pokes Flair in the eye and backdrops him to the floor. The squad is still on the upper ring entrance cheering him on. Johnny tosses flair back in the ring and clips the knee. He starts working the knee over before locking on a Figure Four. Johnny suplexes Flair from the apron back into the ring after the rope break and tries a top rope Johnny-go-round kick. Johnny limps around and tries to catch Flair off guard with the inside cradle of death, but Flair counters it into his own and gets the three.
We go to the videos with Lita saying she wants the Title back because Trish retired even though she won it. Mickie comes in and starts worshipping Trish and it’s like fucking Three’s company with more estrogen. Mickie says it was good for Trish to go out as champion on top, instead of as being on top of a champion. Then she remembers Edge isn’t champion anymore. Lita delivers a pride obliterating bitch slap and stomps off. They pimp the six man tag and Lita/Candice as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I was getting snacks.
Back to the show. Orton is in the ring and he talks about how awesome his performance last night. Orton says he is the future of wrestling. Nitro interrupts this little speech to tell us he is the future, and wonders where Randy’s title is. He says Orton has been coasting on his reputation for years and while he’s been talking about going to the top, other people have been going to the top for real. Orton says he can take the belt anytime he wants. He says not only that, he could take Melina. Then, Chris Masters comes out. He says no one breaks his Masterlock and Orton and Nitro burst into laughter saying he lost to Super Crazy twice last week. Nitro says this belong only to winners and Carlito's music hits. *sniff* I smell something Taboo on the air or rather "Cyber I suppose. Carlito talks down Orton, but gets jumped. The three heels team up on him when Super Crazy and Hardy arrive to the rescue and run the heels off. Coach interrupts and tells them to relax. Coach makes a Six-pack challenge for the IC belt as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Face off!...put them back on! Oh God!
Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Super Crazy vs. Jeff hardy vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Chris Masters vs. Randy Orton (Intercontinental Championship Six-pack Challenge Match)
The match has already started and uh...stuff is happening. Masters gets two on Orton when the pin is broken up. Nitro is beating on Super Crazy on the outside, ramming him into the ring apron. Orton takes down Jeff for two when Carlito break it up and pairs off with Masters. Nitro covers Crazy for two and Masters does the same to Carlito. Orton chokes out Carlito with a boot as Nitro tries to rolls Jeff up with tights, but only gets three. Super Crazy has to break up a count by Nitro again. Crazy hits some unique elbow drops but Jeff breaks it. Orton breaks up the cover Jeff tries to steal. Carlito starts bitch-chopping Orton then springboard moonsaults Masters for two. Hardy chants are big when he catches Nitro off the top for two. Orton takes a jawbreaker from Hardy and Crazy tries to steal for two. Hardy gets a two on Orton followed by Nitro on Crazy. Orton hangs Hardy on the ropes and starts stomping away at him. Masters helps but Carlito dropkicks Nitro awesomely. Everyone tries to steal the pin in a big dogpile.
Masters and Nitro team on Carlito while Orton takes on the other two grounded faces. Carlito comes over the top rope to the floor on Orton. Everyone spills to the outside and Hardy corkscrews over the top onto everyone. Crazy tries to join, but Nitro trips him and tries it himself. Everyone moves out of the way and Nitro faceplants as everyone begins stomping on him. Crazy springboard moonsaults onto everyone as we go back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Star Wars Bitches!
Back to the show. JR tells us once again that we missed all the cool stuff by Crazy during the commercials. Carlito gets two on Masters when Crazy breaks it up. Everyone is just sort of sluggishly walking around from corner to corner now until Nitro takes a rough powerslam from Orton. Crazy dropkicks him off the pin and gets two himself when Carlito breaks it up. Carlito goes for mounted punches on Nitro and springboards off him onto Orton for an excruciatingly close two count. Orton tries to get two on Hardy when Nitro breaks it up and Carlito comes from behind to get a one. Masters just trots around on the outside by himself thinking. Orton crushes Carlito with a dropkick in midair to send him crushed to the floor. Hardy powers up and takes down both Nitro and Orton, hitting a mule kick on Nitro. Orton finally catches him and they botch a double backdrop on Hardy. Orton then betrays into an RKO on Nitro and Carlito hits the Apple Jack. Masters runs in from behind with a MASTERfull Nelson on Carlit. Crazy comes off the top on Masters and goes up top only for Hardy to fling him off into the crowd. Hardy hits a Swanton on Masters and Nitro runs in to toss him from the ring. Nitro picks up the three on Masters for the win before Carlito can break it up.
Random Commercial Thought: Monkeys are allowed to teach English.
Cryme Tyme teaches not to roll up rocking a minivan in da hood. DX runs in on the superstar videos to Vince. They play a video of DX embarrassing Vince. When the video ends, they pause, then realize they are back on to break into false tears and sobbing. They then go on to give Vince his two words and spray paint DX on the camera lens. Candice is out next. Candice does her little strip thing as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Who the hell names their child House? What the fuck?
Back to the show. Lita is out and things get on right away. Lita beats Candice down to the mat, throwing her into the corner and slapping her around. The crowd’s chants are still nearly un-intelligible. Candice gets slapped around until she powers back at Lita and hits a running wheel kick that sends Lita running to the floor. Lita drags Candice out and slaps her into the ring apron. She rams Candice’s back into the apron and rolls her back in. Lita hits a dreaded SNAP MARE for two. Lita locks on a headlock (finally, take a shot) and picks up two. Candice stays on the defensive until she catches Lita with a boot in the corner. Rollup gets two for Candice, but Lita kicks her in the face. Lita stalks around and shoves Candice down, Lita finally finishes toying with Candice and goes up for the moonsault. Mickie comes out and distracts her until Candice counters her with a powerbomb pin from the top rope.
Edge is in the back watching it on the TV when Cade and Murdoch tell him to forget about this because unlike everybody else, they weren’t in a hellacious match last night so they are fresh for in ring action. After that we get off on...I mean to, off TO commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Jackass 2 is positively a sign of the apocalypse.
Back to the show. Edge and the Redneck Brigade are here. Cena is out next but his music cuts off pretty quick for the DX theme instead.
Degeneration x & WWE Champion John Cena vs. Lace Cade & Trevor Murdoch & Edge w/ Lita
DX and Cena rush in right away and beat the heel down. The heel book a hasty retreat to the floor and run around like monkeys. Everyone decides to regroup as Cena taunts the heels on the outside. Cade starts off with Cena proper and rushes him to get the advantage. Cena takes hard, clubbing blows from the Bradshaw clone while Murdoch appears to literally be scratching his ass. Cena powers back finally and tries an FU on Cade who counters. Cade misses the elbow drop follow up and Michaels tags in. Michaels chops Cade and Cade runs into a boot to the face. Michaels gets double teamed by Cade and Murdoch when he takes an inverted atomic into a running boot from Murdoch. Murdoch holds Michaels for Edge. Michaels is busted open. Michaels spends much of his time getting beat down, pinned for two after a neckbreaker. I spent most of this time on the john however, so tough luck. Michaels fights back out of a headlock (take a shot) and uses chops to break free. He gets grounded again for his trouble.
Murdoch neckbreakers into an elbow drop for two after tagging in. Murdoch headlocks Michaels (take a shot) to prevent him from getting to a tag. Michaels throws him off into Hunter who socks him one then Michaels hits a back body drop. Murdoch tags to Cade who gabs Michaels by the leg. Shawn hits an Enziguiri. Edge and Hunter tag in and Trips begins eliminating everyone hitting the Race knee on Murdoch. Edge takes the facebuster and a clothesline. Hunter decks Trevor again and goes for the Pedigree on Edge. Cade attacks to break it up. Edge fetches a chair as the ref tries to regain control. Hunter hits a spine buster on Edge to crush him and Murdoch grabs the chair. Shawn retrieves the chair from Trevor and fights him off with it, calling a DQ.
Winners: Edge, Cade & Murdoch
John hits an FU on Edge followed by a Superkick and Pedigree. DX and Cena celebrate together as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The Six-pack was pretty fun even if they did cut out the best parts just to piss us all off.
Lowlight of the Night: Oh Boy, let’s let Smackdown a little more inside by NOT moving Cena over to freshen him up some.
Eugene Award: Kane has a spike of his own! Oh My God!...yeah....
WWE RAW RANT: (09/25/06) By Cameron Burge
Welcome. I went to see Jet Li’s Fearless and I highly recommend it if you are subtitle friendly. But the real story
lies in the fact that they had two previews (after the random Bugs Bunny cartoon, WTF?). The first was for a little film called
Saw3 that you may have heard of. But the other was for none other than The Marine. Which oddly enough looked incredibly bad
ass in this trailer and many of the audience members were very interested in going to see it apparently. Maybe WWE knows what
they are doing after all?
At any rate. Eric Bischoff has been spotted at Raw and in case there was any questions as to why, the summery for Raw tonight during Law and Order was "With the McMahons indefinitely out of commission, who will step up and take control of a rudderless ship? Don’t miss the first ten minutes of Raw!"
Theme and pyro lead into the lots of explosions. I love how that one little one goes off last like it forgot to go off with the rest of the fireworks. As opposed to Vince in bed, whom I heard forgets to go off altogether. BURN. All the lights go out for a long while with spotlights going around. JR and King talk in the dark until someone puts a spotlight on them. JR tells us there is technical electrical difficulties. AWESOME. The whole SHOW is going to be a dark match! Lillian’s mic doesn’t even work as we start off with spotlights on the wrestlers and the ring for lighting. this is the first match in the Championship tournament for chicks. Lillian’s mic comes back on for her to tell us this. Here comes Candice. They show a replay of Candice upsetting Lita, who just happens to also be her opponent. here she is, even the Titan-tron doesn’t work! BAHAHAHAHAAA! Lita cuts a promo about how she should be champion by default instead of in this tournament and she had a private meeting with Coachman and he agreed she gets to pick her own ref in Edge. The mics they have to use makes this feel even more like a house show. And here comes the match!
*RECORD SCRATCH* Edge spears Candice and Lita pins her when Cena runs in. The refs come to check on her as Edge and Lita run away. Commercials!
Random Commercial Thought: It was too dark to see them.
Back to the show. Cena has stalled for time during the break for the power to come back on and is telling the crowd Edge turned the power off because he was afraid. Edge comes out and Cena says the funniest thing. "I knew you would be back!" Edge says next Cena will be saying that John made the power come back on like fucking Jesus. Edge declines a match because he’s going to celebrate with Lita tonight. Cena makes football references at Lita to the effect of balls getting pounded in the end zone. Lita gets tired of being called a slut and goes off about how everyone is a better wrestler than Cena. He says she may be a better wrestler if he was blind in one eye with an arm tied behind his back and unafraid of herpes. Edge accepts the one arm challenge on her behalf though to make a Cena/Lita match. They run a Mexico special and Kane is out. Where was he when all the lights were out? We could have used a few flamethrowers to light things up. Nitro is his opponent and Melina is reluctant to do her entrance with Kane there. When Nitro comes sliding in, Kane catches him on the slide to send him sliding out the other end.
Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Kane (Intercontinental Title Match)
Kane slams Nitro back in then pulls Melina in. We learn Umaga is banned from ringside. She rolls back out as Nitro attacks Kane’s leg in the corner. Kane powers out and tosses Nitro from the ring again like a rag doll. Nitro comes off the top rope and eats boot. Kane sets up for a tombstone when Umaga hits a steal chair shot to the head from behind.
Umaga hits the Ass Crash in the corner and then tears apart the announce table and the steal chairs. Umaga takes the steel steps and crushes Kane’s head with it and the ring post before leaving. Yeah, that ban worked real good. We go to the back with DX to pimp their shirt and a magazine article with Hunter. Maria comes over to interview them and they say they have two words for Coach but she doesn’t know what they are. Trips goes to give her a visual aid but Hunter gets the dreaded COCK-A-BLOCK from Shawn. After they leave, Maria runs into Eugene and whispers to him what DX just told her to do. He promptly faints into a commercial coma.
Random Commercial Thought: Final Destination. The only series where it is FINAL....again!
Back to the show. This week in Wrestling history. Andre the Giant vs. Gorilla Monsoon in a boxing match. Coach is in the back and says he needs to talk to Shelton now, dragging him away from the chicks. Coach wants to know if Benjamin was purposefully trying to embarrass him by claiming at being overlooked for being black. Coach says the truth is he never capitalizes his opportunity. Coach says Vince’s hero is King Jr. Jonathan says he understands what it is like to be a black man in the company and Shelton accuses him of having less soul than Dick Cheney. Jeff Hardy walks up with a for shizzle my nizzle and niggah. From Emo to Home Dawg in thirty seconds. Coach makes a match between them before running into Edge who is coming out of his office. Edge demands the one arm match. Coach gives it to them and does them one better, making it No Holds Barred but there is one little problem because it might be predictable, unlike every other match on TV. He says Edge isn’t allowed to touch Cena tonight at all and if he does, he will lose his rematch for the WWE Title. He says he can see that in lights. That’s....alot of lights. (The Gersh: And with Technical Difficulties already) Home Depot loves this guy.
Random Commercial Thought: Where’s the beef?
Back to the show. Mikey has challenged Flair to a match. (Highlanders, who?) Anyway...wait...what’s that? Do you...hear that beat?
They see me mowin’ My front lawn I know they’re all thinking I’m so white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy Can’t you see I’m white and nerdy? Look at me, I’m white and nerdy I wanna roll with The gangstas But so far they all think I’m too white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy I’m just too white and nerdy. Really really white and nerdy.
They see me roll on My Segway I know in my heart they think I’m white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy Can’t you see I’m white and nerdy Look at me, I’m white and nerdy I’d like to roll with The gangstas Although it’s apparent I’m too white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy I’m just too white and nerdy How’d I get so white and nerdy
I’ve been browsin’, inspectin’ X-Men comics, you know I collect ‘em The pens in my pocket, I must protect ‘em My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored Shopping online for deals on some writable media I edit Wikipedia I memorized Holy Grail really well I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL I got a business doing websites When my friends need some code, who do they call? I do HTML for ‘em all Even made a homepage for my dog Yo, I got myself a fanny pack They were havin’ a sale down at The Gap Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap Pop, pop, hope no one sees me Gettin’ freaky I’m nerdy in the extreme And whiter than sour cream I was in AV Club and Glee Club and even the Chess Team Only question I Ever thought was hard Was do I like Kirk Or do I like Picard Spend every weekend at the Renaissance Fair Got my name on my underwear
They see me strollin’ They laughin’ And rollin’ their eyes ‘cause I’m so white and nerdy Just because I’m white and nerdy Just because I’m white and nerdy All because I’m white and nerdy Holy cow, I’m white and nerdy I wanna bowl with The gangstas But, oh well, it’s obvious I’m white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy Think I’m just too white and nerdy I’m just too white and nerdy Look at me, I’m white and nerdy
I think that song is about me. Anyway, Flair once again wins as expected as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Where’s my bologna?
Back to the show. DX is here and in the ring for their gauntlet match. The entrance and cheering and dramatic pausing takes like twelve minutes. Anyway, they pump up the crowd then run a video package of them destroying the McMahons in the Cell. The Highlanders are out and they throw their sheepskins on DX.
Degeneration X Tag Team Gauntlet
The Match starts and Hunter befriends Robby to lead him off so Michaels can superkick Rory behind his back. Michaels pins him for the win then Hunter pedigrees Roby. Wow. That wasn’t a burial AT ALL. Viscera and Haas are up next. Haas and Michaels start off for a real match apparently. Haas gains the early advantage, sending Michaels to the corner and ramming his shoulder to the midsection. Shawn reverses the situation to chops Haas to a knee. He pulls him back up for another big chop before Charlie pokes him in the eye. Viscera tag in and Michaels fits him off until he gets squished by a Bossman Slam. Shawn then eats a weakass clothesline to go down for two and some commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: We paid for Normandy in blood! Dracula moved there shortly there after.
Back to the match. Shawn is in a chicken wing or something, I wasn’t really paying attention. Haas shuts Michaels’ comeback down and cheap shots hunter. Viscera misses the splash and hits Haas when Michaels dodges. Michaels makes the tag and Hunter cleans house. Viscera takes the facebuster and reels, but follow up clotheslines don't do it either. Shawn has to help. Haas takes a pedigree and Viscera takes a superkick but just reels. Hunter nudges him with a boot to fall onto Haas then they sit on them for the pin. Next is Cade Murdoch.
Cade cheap shots Michaels and takes him down with a clothesline from Hell which is ironic since he looks exactly like Bradshaw used to. Murdoch tags in and ejects Michaels to the floor for Cade to attack him. Hunter comes around and takes Cade out, but Murdoch joins in. Murdoch sends Michaels into the ring post to he double team Hunter. Triple H visits the steel steps with his shoulder. Some chairs are brought into the ring and DX goes to town with them on Cade and Murdoch to run them off for the DQ on both sides.
Winner: Uh...homeless people everywhere?
The pimp Cena/Lita after the match as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Never buy the stuff you see on TV...unless they TELL you to! Then Buy it! Buy it now bitch!
Back to the show. Cryme Tyme teaches us intensity by booting white boys. Jeff Hardy is out next, followed by a rather unhappy looking Shelton Benjamin.
Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin (White Power Match)
Hardy opens with arms drags and then decks Shelton with a right. Benjamin complains to the ref for a distraction to cheap shot Jeff until Hardy comes flying out with a swinging reverse neck breaker. Hardy skin the cat on the ropes next, but Shelton catches him by the hair then sends him flying into the security wall. Shelton follows him out to drag the emo icon back for a headlock (take a shot!). Hardy chants begins as he fights out. Both men go down and stumble to their feet. Hardy wins the fistfight and corkscrew shoulder blocks Benjamin, keeping him down with clotheslines. Whisper in the Wind catches Shelton for two. Hardy goes up top and Benjamin leaps up to the top for a suplex, but Hardy shoves him off and hits the Swanton Bomb. Shelton gets the rope with a leg though. Shelton gets up and is promptly cradled for the three.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
After the match its commercial time!
Random Commercial Thought: I’m in the best shape of MY life too. Bulbous is a pretty awesome shape....
Back to the show. They run a The Marine thing about the chick playing his wife. Then they show the marines at ringside. JR and King pimp the main event some more. Orton is on his way out, followed by Chris Masters. JR and King talk about Cyber Sunday (HA Ha...cyber...) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Mini-windup Marios? Who the fuck is manufacturing those things?
Back to the show. Super Crazy and Carlito use the power of BEANS to bring them to the ring as we get this match underway.
Carlito Caribbean Cool & Super Crazy vs. Randy Orton & Chris Masters
Carlito starts off with Orton who of course gets the early advantage only to eat a dropkick for two from Carlito. Carlito tags out to Crazy and holds Orton’s arm for a flying sledge to the arm. Crazy hits a missile dropkick On Masters after Orton tags out with a thumb to the eye. Masters power bombs Crazy from the corner and tags in Orton who snap mare into a....do you have to ask? Take a shot! Crazy escapes, sends Orton down and tags out to Carlito. Carlito gets on a rolls, slingshotting into Masters. Orton runs in to take a Million Dollar knee lift. Carlito flapjacks Carlito for two when Orton breaks it up. Crazy flips over power bombs Orton then goes up top, but moonsault misses.. Orton hits a neck breaker on Crazy and Carlito is in to toss him to the floor. Masters comes from behind with the MASTERfull Nelson. He doesn’t manage to lock it in and Carlito back flips over him into the Apple Jack for the win.
Winners: Carlito & Crazy
After the match, Orton sneaks back in with an RKO and acts all angry as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: When did they change the M in MTV from Music to Moron?
Back to the show. Coach introduces Eric Bischoff white hair and all. What the hell? Is he trying to be Clinton? Bischoff thanks Coach for the time and they hug. He says before Vincent...Kennedy (KENNEDY!) McMahon fired him unjustly back in the summer, he had signed a book deal with the WWE. The book is entitled Controversy Creates Cash. He says he tells the truth about his career in sports entertainment and a lot of things, most of which will piss off Vince. As a matter of fact he tells the truth about Raw and how it wouldn’t exist in the current state without Monday Nitro (and Melina?). He starts ranting and Coach’s music interrupts him, cutting him off. he and Coach argue while Lita’s music hits and she and Edge head to the ring and we head for commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I FEEL it....now wash my hands.
Back to the show and our main event. Cena gets a decent pop though he was getting much better earlier.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Lita w/Edge (No Holds Barred One Armed Man Match)
The ref takes forever in tying up the right arm of Cena who hops around Lita. he grabs her, but she thumbs him in the eye and hits him in the nuts. Cena cries on the ground for a moment then grabs her fits and scoops her onto his shoulders. He one-armed FUs her for the win.
Regal Finlay and Booker come to the ring afterward and circle Cena. Regal looks like the fucking Penguin from Batman with the way he is walking. Cena gets clubbed by Finally after trying to fight off all three then the beat down begins. Batista and Lashley are no where to be seen while they are at home shooting up.
I mean uh...eating...healthy. Yeah, that’s it. booker orders his feet to be kissed. They set him up for a scissors kick while Sharmell and Edge laugh their asses off. Booker checks his boots and removes them. Cena fights it but eventually they do mash his face to the feet. and GOOD GOD look at that hammer’s toe. Edge strolls in after they leave and tells him he got his ass kicked, he’ll get it kicked again Friday and he’ll get it kicked next week in a cage. That’s all she wrote.
Highlight of the Night: The Dark Match Syndrome. Nothing quite like telling people not to miss the first ten minutes only for them to be entirely shrouded in darkness.
Lowlight of the Night: The show overall was pretty low. Nothing but toss away matches all the way for the most part. Was really nothing but a tease show and that annoys the hell out of me. Felt like WCW.
Eugene Award: Bischoff only gets to rant about his book? What was with that? How did that even tie into the preview trailers? Nothing seemed to make much sense tonight.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).