Welcome back. I love how
that goth chick from NCIS wears stupid goth clothes
at people’s funerals. I mean, how more bad can you
dress than other people at a funeral where they can
STILL tell you are goth? And who smiles at a funeral
too? These people ended up looking like assholes.
Oh, also wrestling. The EPIC REMATCH everyone wanted
to see is tonight between Cena and the man no one
has truly ever seen without being instantly stricken
with blindness like Saul, Sheamus. Actually, that
makes me think, maybe Sheamus is Jesus here to save
us from our sins? He does have a giant cross. Hope
you all had a Merry Christmas because it can’t save
you now. Brace yourselves.
Show opens with footage
of Jericho outside with a megaphone telling the fans
they don’t deserve to see Raw without him in it and
they should sign a petition to let him back in. I
love how ever since he’s been banned from the show
he’s managed to be on every week. Anyway, we cut to
theme and pyro to open the show proper. Also on out
plate tonight is McMahon responding to accusation
that Bret Hart will host Raw. Speaking of screw jobs
here comes Cena (that’s the best segue I could come
up with, live with it). Cena sits on a turnbuckle
after setting up a table and says this is where
Sheamus became champ two weeks ago and that table is
how. He also, like an idiot, demands his rematch be
a tables match tonight because that worked out so
damn well last time. At least I don’t have to see
them actually try to wrestle each other.
love Sheamus’ entrance theme, it just SOUNDS like
shitty ECW entrance music that doesn’t belong in the
main event. Too bad hearing it is all I can do since
I’m now blind, which if the match is as bad as I
think it will be, this is a blessing. Sheamus stares
at the table as if he plans to address it now.
Sheamus says he doesn’t have to prove anything, like
whose dick he sucked to get a title reign, because
he’s already champion, but Cena does. Sheamus says
the match is on his terms and it won’t be a tables
match, because it’s not a challenge to him anymore.
He wants a regular match. Goddamnit. Go for the
tables match. Cena vaults the table and gives him a
FU through the table. That went well.
Commercial Thought: I love the fiddle.
to the show where we learn Bourne and Matt Hardy are
being shipped back to ECW to give Christian people
with talent to play off of. We cut to the back for
Timbaland who is looks as high as possible trying to
hit on the divas. What a fat fuck. Is that a hearing
aid? He says he is the realist guest host and the
captain of a ship (we could have got T-Pain to say
he was on a boat too). God he’s boring and
unentertaining. We should have got Eminem. I like
how the Bellas are just glorified escort whores now.
Legacy runs into Orton in the back then who looks
pissed off. He says he wasted the last year and a
half of his life. That’s okay because you wasted a
year and a half of mine too. He blames Legacy for
failure saying neither of them are champions. Rhodes
points out they’ve saved his ass all year and he
responds saying they have two singles matches
tonight. Orton says if they lose he will kick them
out and beat their teeth in if they don’t win.
We see Jericho is still outside protesting before
Orton is heading out to the ring as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Happy
New Year’s. Fun fact, New Year’s Day is my brother’s
Back to the show where Dibiase is
about to get his match on with Bourne while Orton
watches without pants on. Kinky.
Ted Dibiase vs. Evan Bourne
Bourne gets nailed by a big clothesline early and
Dibaise crushes him with a stalling vertical suplex
before punching him into the mat and locking on a
headlock. Bourne kicks his way free but runs into a
shot from Dibiase in the corner. Dibaise hops up in
the corner and eats a standing hurricanrana from
Bourne for two. Bourne rolls him up for another two
and levels Ted with a kick before going up top. Air
Bourne is blocked but he Ted almost eats the flying
knees instead. Dibiase tosses him face first into
the corner and nails Dream Street for the win.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh
crap trouble, looks like I better assemble five
teenagers with attitude.
Back to the show. We
come back to Orton still sitting pantsless at
ringside and looking dissatisfied with his last
voyeuristic purveyance (oooo big words). Cody is out
now to take on Mark Henry. Oh. Can’t wait.
Mark Henry vs. Cody Rhodes
runs his ass down and looks way too happy to stand
with his crotch over Cody’s head. He misses an ass
drop and gets dropkicked. Henry just throws Rhodes
to the floor with one hand and takes another
dropkick when he comes back in. Henry starts
pounding him about until Rhodes is left hanging on
the middle rope and is sat on from behind. Looks
like Henry hurt himself. Good. Cody kicks him back
and escapes a press slam, chop blocking the leg but
Henry throws him off. Rhodes kicks the knee out and
delivers a DDT for three.
Orton looks pissed that he’s still stuck with these
two losers instead of entertaining wrestlers.
Elsewhere, Jillian wants a musical audition with
Timbaland and we cut away from that to…DX with
Hornswoggle taped to a skateboard. Trips says he’s
doing want anyone with a brand new midget does,
taping him to a skateboard and seeing how far he
goes. That’s…pretty accurate. Shawn says he feels
uncomfortable with the whole Bret Hart thing.
Jillian is still singing outside of the door and
Hornswoggle is sent flying into her on the
Random Commercial Thought:
Commercial are like epileptic images that flash
before my mind these days.
Back to the show
where we have Divas. I suddenly want to go back to
my epileptic visions. It’s Maryse and Kelly Kelly.
Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly
taunts and gets punches in the face before Kelly
tackles her and a cat fight starts. Maryse socks her
one in the jaw a couple of times and Kelly comes
back with a clothesline and a dropkicks. Kelly
delivers a cross body from the top for two. Kelly
tries for a handspring elbow but misses entirely.
Maryse fails to capitalize and Kelly goes up top
only to eat an arm drag from Maryse from the top.
Maryse drags her up into a DDT for the three.
Two DDT finishes in a row. Way
to go for variety. Maryse cackles happily and says
Melina better be watching her. She then says
something in French. I can’t understand what you’re
saying. Try speaking American, it’s the only
language I understand. Vinnie Mac is on his way to
the ring as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Time to pimp the Rumble huh? Can
we please NOT have Cena win it this time? Maybe
Back to the show. Big
Show has to break the news to Jericho that it’s over
now and their special
relationship…is…over….gaaaaaaaay. He even calls Raw
and Smack down a long-distance relationship. Big
Show gives him a present in an envelope. Jericho
stops crying when he sees what is inside and
chuckles in a decidedly evil manner. Vince comes out
as the crowd demands Bret. Vince says we are all
enjoying his genuis concept of guest hosts. Shoot.
Me. He says next week it’s been suggested we have a
very special guest host, Bret Hart. He puts together
a “unbiased” history of Bret Hart for younger
viewers. It chronicles his career in short and ends
with a video of the Montreal incident with Vince
saying he believes Bret screwed himself. He repeats
his belief that Bret did this to himself. He says he
allowed Bret to come back anyway and be inducted to
the Hall of Fame. After Bret’s induction speech, he
says Bret refused to shake his hand. He says
despite all of that and the What chants going on for
this whole agonizingly long speech. He also gets
even to call themselves stupid which was somewhat
funny. He goes on to say that despite this, next
week the host will be, Doink the Clown! Oh, no not
him. He keeps stopping before saying it. Curt
Hennig! He says he just can’t do it and apologizes
and says Bret Hart will never be a guest host. So,
it’s still free for Doink the Clown then?
McMahon is interrupted on his way out by Shawn
Michaels. Shawn comes in and celebrates and offers
to buy him a beer. Oh, no wait. Vince rallies the
crowd for Michaels and Shawn says sometimes, but not
often, there are rivalries bigger than the industry.
Like Butter vs. Margarine. Vince thinks it’s Shawn
and Bret, but Shawn says he’s actually talking about
the Undertaker. Oh. Weird segue. Shawn says he knows
he can beat Taker and end his streak. Shawn says
he’s appealing to the wallet because the rematch
will make big money. Vince says he is reluctant to
make this match and has learned his lesson in
relation to dealing with the Undertaker. He says
Shawn will have to make it happen if it’s going to
happen. Vince goes to leave but Michaels cuts him
Paragraph three go. Shawn saws
he can understand him being afraid of the
Undertaker, but he can’t believe he’s afraid of Bret
Hart. Shawn says he has nothing to lose by bringing
Bret back to the WWE and Raw. He promises if he
does, only good things will happen. Huge Bret chants
are drowning them out for a second before Vince
denies being afraid of anyone, including The Big Bad
Wolf. He should be afraid of the ghost of Owen Hart.
Vince doesn’t believe him that only good things
could happen and feels like repeating it like four
times. Shawn says he would be more than happy to see
Bret one more time. Vince smiles and says the New
Year will start off with….uh…oh there we go, Bret
Hart. Was still hoping for Doink.
Josh Mathews is interviewing John Cena, despite us
already having heard from him about this match
earlier. Josh asks if he has a psychological
advantage and John is promptly annihilated by
Sheamus from behind in the totally non-sexual way
Random Commercial Thought: The
guy in the pointy hat is going down first.
Back to the show where MVP sucks at PSP games. I
like how MVP is the bro of every black man to ever
host. So is Kofi apparently. He’s happy to get a
chance to earn a shot at the title….despite having
been the last champion. MVP says he wants first shot
after he dethrones the Miz. Miz comes in to throw
some Mighty Whitey into the situation. They tell him
off eventually by saying if he loses, he will
immediately have to defend the title against Kofi
then and we are off to ringside for said match.
Kofi Kingston vs. US Champion The Miz (Non-Title
Miz starts off strong and runs Kofi
over in the corner with his running kick. He climbs
up top and leaps off with an axe handle right into
Trouble in Paradise for the three.
Random Commercial Thought: I shot
Kingston vs. US Champion The Miz (US title Match)
Kingston is already got the Miz in a headlock as we
come back. He drops Miz with a clothesline and sets
up for the Boom Drop, nailing it. Miz staggers up
and eats Trouble in Paradise. Kingston looks to have
it won, but he and the ref as dragged from the ring
by Randy Orton.
delivers an RKO on the floor. Good times. Oh look,
Random Commercial Thought:
Down with whitey!
Back to the show where
Orton says things are far from over with Kingston
and he can’t think of a better way to start the new
year than kicking someone like Kofi in the skull.
What about fucking like three hot women? Or eating a
massive load of Cheetohs? Guess which I’m doing?
We are off to ringside with DX. They go on to talk
about how Big Show is about to come out with his new
partner when we find that Jericho got himself a
front row, ring side ticket for the evening. I am so
Random Commercial Thought: Ted
Dibiase cannot defeat a ninja. I don’t care what his
DX is still waiting for Big Show
in the ring as DX stares at Jericho by ringside.
Show makes his way out with his old school theme
and…Chavo. Woooow, really? Supposedly Chavo was
chosen for knowing exactly how to neutralize
Hornswoggle…whom he has never beaten. That logic is
Chavo Guerrero & The Big Show vs. Unified Tag
Team Champions Degeneration X (Non-Title Match)
Chavo goes right for the three amigos on Trips, but
it’s blocked after one and Trips counters with a
stalling vertical of his own. Trips continues to run
Chavo over before tagging in Michaels. Michaels
delivers an inverted atomic drop, but Big Show
clotheslines him from the apron and Shawn takes a
heel kick to the face for two. Chavo distracts the
ref after pounding on Michaels in the corner while
Show chokes him out. Show comes in and Jericho gets
told by fans to sit the fuck down. Jericho chokes
Shawn out and hoists him in the air until Chavo tags
back in…for some reason. Chavo goes for a
springboard senton from the apron but bombs it. The
tags are made and Show goes for a choke slam on
Trips but he escapes. Show misses a corner charge
and Trips gives a spine buster to Chavo. Clothesline
and face buster stagger Show who retaliates with a
spear and makes the tag.
Chavo is hoisted up
by Big Show up top higher than the turnbuckles and
the giant Frog Splash misses. Big Show misses a huge
punch on Michaels, but Shawn manages to drag him out
to the floor as Hornswoggle comes in while the ref
is distracted. Hornswoggle then tries for a pedigree
on Chavo who backflips him out. Trips then hit’s the
pedigree for the win.
vaults the wall and tries to help Show up off the
ground before tearing up the ring steps and
stripping his jacket only to be super kicked off the
apron. Trips says they can have a rematch if he’ll
stop doing this shit every week. When they lose he
has to be gone for good. Before we go to commercial
we get another replay of Cena being attacked by
Random Commercial Thought: Why
aren’t any super heroes professional wrestlers?
Spiderman tried it once.
Back to the show
where Timbaland is here. Am I spelling that right?
Do I care? He wants to welcome us to the Rawest
match of the night, despite already being over time
here so I doubt it will be very raw at all, but
whatever, queer. T-Fat welcome his “boy” John Cena.
So maybe he does have some black in him after all.
Just like his mom had black in her all last night,
HEYOOOO! Sheamus follows suit shortly after but
isn’t anybody’s boy apparently. Poor red-headed
little bastard stepchild it is then.
John Cena vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (WWE Title Match)
Cena starts off hard, pounding on Sheamus but
Sheamus runs him over with several clothesline and
starts just wailing on Cena on the ground before
ramming him into the corner. The First Irish-born
WWE champion ever huh? Poor Finlay. A suplex picks
up a two count for Sheamus and Cole is retardedly
excited that this might be it. Dumbass. Cena ducks a
clothesline counter to his corner bulldog and
delivers the flying shoulder into the protobomb
before he goes for a five knuckle shuffle. Sheamus
staggers up into an FU but grabs the ropes. It looks
like he’s holding an unfinished scaled fish.
Dragging Sheamus off, Sheamus grabs the ref and
tosses him. The ref DQs him because he’s apparently
Well, he still
hasn’t lost a match. Cena attacks Sheamus post match
and gets dropped on his own head with a kick by
Sheamus from nowhere. Sheamus delivers a second kick
when he gets back up and celebrates as the show goes
off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Bret Hart coming back
just once sounds cool.
Lowlight of the Night: Sheamus is still
WWE “Creative” Award:
SHEAMUS?! REALLY?! I refuse to change this until
he’s not blinding me anymore.