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RAW RANT:
(12/28/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. I love how that goth chick from NCIS wears stupid goth clothes at people’s funerals. I mean, how more bad can you dress than other people at a funeral where they can STILL tell you are goth? And who smiles at a funeral too? These people ended up looking like assholes. Oh, also wrestling. The EPIC REMATCH everyone wanted to see is tonight between Cena and the man no one has truly ever seen without being instantly stricken with blindness like Saul, Sheamus. Actually, that makes me think, maybe Sheamus is Jesus here to save us from our sins? He does have a giant cross. Hope you all had a Merry Christmas because it can’t save you now. Brace yourselves.

Raw 12.28.09

Show opens with footage of Jericho outside with a megaphone telling the fans they don’t deserve to see Raw without him in it and they should sign a petition to let him back in. I love how ever since he’s been banned from the show he’s managed to be on every week. Anyway, we cut to theme and pyro to open the show proper. Also on out plate tonight is McMahon responding to accusation that Bret Hart will host Raw. Speaking of screw jobs here comes Cena (that’s the best segue I could come up with, live with it). Cena sits on a turnbuckle after setting up a table and says this is where Sheamus became champ two weeks ago and that table is how. He also, like an idiot, demands his rematch be a tables match tonight because that worked out so damn well last time. At least I don’t have to see them actually try to wrestle each other.

I love Sheamus’ entrance theme, it just SOUNDS like shitty ECW entrance music that doesn’t belong in the main event. Too bad hearing it is all I can do since I’m now blind, which if the match is as bad as I think it will be, this is a blessing. Sheamus stares at the table as if he plans to address it now. Sheamus says he doesn’t have to prove anything, like whose dick he sucked to get a title reign, because he’s already champion, but Cena does. Sheamus says the match is on his terms and it won’t be a tables match, because it’s not a challenge to him anymore. He wants a regular match. Goddamnit. Go for the tables match. Cena vaults the table and gives him a FU through the table. That went well.

Random Commercial Thought: I love the fiddle.

Back to the show where we learn Bourne and Matt Hardy are being shipped back to ECW to give Christian people with talent to play off of. We cut to the back for Timbaland who is looks as high as possible trying to hit on the divas. What a fat fuck. Is that a hearing aid? He says he is the realist guest host and the captain of a ship (we could have got T-Pain to say he was on a boat too). God he’s boring and unentertaining. We should have got Eminem. I like how the Bellas are just glorified escort whores now. Legacy runs into Orton in the back then who looks pissed off. He says he wasted the last year and a half of his life. That’s okay because you wasted a year and a half of mine too. He blames Legacy for failure saying neither of them are champions. Rhodes points out they’ve saved his ass all year and he responds saying they have two singles matches tonight. Orton says if they lose he will kick them out and beat their teeth in if they don’t win.

We see Jericho is still outside protesting before Orton is heading out to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Happy New Year’s. Fun fact, New Year’s Day is my brother’s birthday.

Back to the show where Dibiase is about to get his match on with Bourne while Orton watches without pants on. Kinky.

Ted Dibiase vs. Evan Bourne

Bourne gets nailed by a big clothesline early and Dibaise crushes him with a stalling vertical suplex before punching him into the mat and locking on a headlock. Bourne kicks his way free but runs into a shot from Dibiase in the corner. Dibaise hops up in the corner and eats a standing hurricanrana from Bourne for two. Bourne rolls him up for another two and levels Ted with a kick before going up top. Air Bourne is blocked but he Ted almost eats the flying knees instead. Dibiase tosses him face first into the corner and nails Dream Street for the win.
Winner: Dibiase

Random Commercial Thought: Oh crap trouble, looks like I better assemble five teenagers with attitude.

Back to the show. We come back to Orton still sitting pantsless at ringside and looking dissatisfied with his last voyeuristic purveyance (oooo big words). Cody is out now to take on Mark Henry. Oh. Can’t wait.

Mark Henry vs. Cody Rhodes

Henry just runs his ass down and looks way too happy to stand with his crotch over Cody’s head. He misses an ass drop and gets dropkicked. Henry just throws Rhodes to the floor with one hand and takes another dropkick when he comes back in. Henry starts pounding him about until Rhodes is left hanging on the middle rope and is sat on from behind. Looks like Henry hurt himself. Good. Cody kicks him back and escapes a press slam, chop blocking the leg but Henry throws him off. Rhodes kicks the knee out and delivers a DDT for three.
Winner: Rhodes

Orton looks pissed that he’s still stuck with these two losers instead of entertaining wrestlers. Elsewhere, Jillian wants a musical audition with Timbaland and we cut away from that to…DX with Hornswoggle taped to a skateboard. Trips says he’s doing want anyone with a brand new midget does, taping him to a skateboard and seeing how far he goes. That’s…pretty accurate. Shawn says he feels uncomfortable with the whole Bret Hart thing. Jillian is still singing outside of the door and Hornswoggle is sent flying into her on the skateboard. God.

Random Commercial Thought: Commercial are like epileptic images that flash before my mind these days.

Back to the show where we have Divas. I suddenly want to go back to my epileptic visions. It’s Maryse and Kelly Kelly.

Maryse vs. Kelly Kelly

Maryse taunts and gets punches in the face before Kelly tackles her and a cat fight starts. Maryse socks her one in the jaw a couple of times and Kelly comes back with a clothesline and a dropkicks. Kelly delivers a cross body from the top for two. Kelly tries for a handspring elbow but misses entirely. Maryse fails to capitalize and Kelly goes up top only to eat an arm drag from Maryse from the top. Maryse drags her up into a DDT for the three.
Winner: Maryse

Two DDT finishes in a row. Way to go for variety. Maryse cackles happily and says Melina better be watching her. She then says something in French. I can’t understand what you’re saying. Try speaking American, it’s the only language I understand. Vinnie Mac is on his way to the ring as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Time to pimp the Rumble huh? Can we please NOT have Cena win it this time? Maybe someone new?….please?

Back to the show. Big Show has to break the news to Jericho that it’s over now and their special relationship…is…over….gaaaaaaaay. He even calls Raw and Smack down a long-distance relationship. Big Show gives him a present in an envelope. Jericho stops crying when he sees what is inside and chuckles in a decidedly evil manner. Vince comes out as the crowd demands Bret. Vince says we are all enjoying his genuis concept of guest hosts. Shoot. Me. He says next week it’s been suggested we have a very special guest host, Bret Hart. He puts together a “unbiased” history of Bret Hart for younger viewers. It chronicles his career in short and ends with a video of the Montreal incident with Vince saying he believes Bret screwed himself. He repeats his belief that Bret did this to himself. He says he allowed Bret to come back anyway and be inducted to the Hall of Fame. After Bret’s induction speech, he says Bret refused to shake his hand. He says
despite all of that and the What chants going on for this whole agonizingly long speech. He also gets even to call themselves stupid which was somewhat funny. He goes on to say that despite this, next week the host will be, Doink the Clown! Oh, no not him. He keeps stopping before saying it. Curt Hennig! He says he just can’t do it and apologizes and says Bret Hart will never be a guest host. So, it’s still free for Doink the Clown then?

McMahon is interrupted on his way out by Shawn Michaels. Shawn comes in and celebrates and offers to buy him a beer. Oh, no wait. Vince rallies the crowd for Michaels and Shawn says sometimes, but not often, there are rivalries bigger than the industry. Like Butter vs. Margarine. Vince thinks it’s Shawn and Bret, but Shawn says he’s actually talking about the Undertaker. Oh. Weird segue. Shawn says he knows he can beat Taker and end his streak. Shawn says he’s appealing to the wallet because the rematch will make big money. Vince says he is reluctant to make this match and has learned his lesson in relation to dealing with the Undertaker. He says Shawn will have to make it happen if it’s going to happen. Vince goes to leave but Michaels cuts him off instead.

Paragraph three go. Shawn saws he can understand him being afraid of the Undertaker, but he can’t believe he’s afraid of Bret Hart. Shawn says he has nothing to lose by bringing Bret back to the WWE and Raw. He promises if he does, only good things will happen. Huge Bret chants are drowning them out for a second before Vince denies being afraid of anyone, including The Big Bad Wolf. He should be afraid of the ghost of Owen Hart. Vince doesn’t believe him that only good things could happen and feels like repeating it like four times. Shawn says he would be more than happy to see Bret one more time. Vince smiles and says the New Year will start off with….uh…oh there we go, Bret Hart. Was still hoping for Doink.

Elsewhere, Josh Mathews is interviewing John Cena, despite us already having heard from him about this match earlier. Josh asks if he has a psychological advantage and John is promptly annihilated by Sheamus from behind in the totally non-sexual way (thank God).

Random Commercial Thought: The guy in the pointy hat is going down first.

Back to the show where MVP sucks at PSP games. I like how MVP is the bro of every black man to ever host. So is Kofi apparently. He’s happy to get a chance to earn a shot at the title….despite having been the last champion. MVP says he wants first shot after he dethrones the Miz. Miz comes in to throw some Mighty Whitey into the situation. They tell him off eventually by saying if he loses, he will immediately have to defend the title against Kofi then and we are off to ringside for said match.

Kofi Kingston vs. US Champion The Miz (Non-Title Match)

Miz starts off strong and runs Kofi over in the corner with his running kick. He climbs up top and leaps off with an axe handle right into Trouble in Paradise for the three.
Winner: Kingston

Random Commercial Thought: I shot gophers.

Kofi Kingston vs. US Champion The Miz (US title Match)

Kingston is already got the Miz in a headlock as we come back. He drops Miz with a clothesline and sets up for the Boom Drop, nailing it. Miz staggers up and eats Trouble in Paradise. Kingston looks to have it won, but he and the ref as dragged from the ring by Randy Orton.
Winner: Kingston

Orton delivers an RKO on the floor. Good times. Oh look, more commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Down with whitey!

Back to the show where Orton says things are far from over with Kingston and he can’t think of a better way to start the new year than kicking someone like Kofi in the skull. What about fucking like three hot women? Or eating a massive load of Cheetohs? Guess which I’m doing?

We are off to ringside with DX. They go on to talk about how Big Show is about to come out with his new partner when we find that Jericho got himself a front row, ring side ticket for the evening. I am so shocked.

Random Commercial Thought: Ted Dibiase cannot defeat a ninja. I don’t care what his finisher is.

DX is still waiting for Big Show in the ring as DX stares at Jericho by ringside. Show makes his way out with his old school theme and…Chavo. Woooow, really? Supposedly Chavo was chosen for knowing exactly how to neutralize Hornswoggle…whom he has never beaten. That logic is infallible.

Chavo Guerrero & The Big Show vs. Unified Tag Team Champions Degeneration X (Non-Title Match)

Chavo goes right for the three amigos on Trips, but it’s blocked after one and Trips counters with a stalling vertical of his own. Trips continues to run Chavo over before tagging in Michaels. Michaels delivers an inverted atomic drop, but Big Show clotheslines him from the apron and Shawn takes a heel kick to the face for two. Chavo distracts the ref after pounding on Michaels in the corner while Show chokes him out. Show comes in and Jericho gets told by fans to sit the fuck down. Jericho chokes Shawn out and hoists him in the air until Chavo tags back in…for some reason. Chavo goes for a springboard senton from the apron but bombs it. The tags are made and Show goes for a choke slam on Trips but he escapes. Show misses a corner charge and Trips gives a spine buster to Chavo. Clothesline and face buster stagger Show who retaliates with a spear and makes the tag.

Chavo is hoisted up by Big Show up top higher than the turnbuckles and the giant Frog Splash misses. Big Show misses a huge punch on Michaels, but Shawn manages to drag him out to the floor as Hornswoggle comes in while the ref is distracted. Hornswoggle then tries for a pedigree on Chavo who backflips him out. Trips then hit’s the pedigree for the win.
Winners: DX

Jericho vaults the wall and tries to help Show up off the ground before tearing up the ring steps and stripping his jacket only to be super kicked off the apron. Trips says they can have a rematch if he’ll stop doing this shit every week. When they lose he has to be gone for good. Before we go to commercial we get another replay of Cena being attacked by Sheamus.

Random Commercial Thought: Why aren’t any super heroes professional wrestlers? Spiderman tried it once.

Back to the show where Timbaland is here. Am I spelling that right? Do I care? He wants to welcome us to the Rawest match of the night, despite already being over time here so I doubt it will be very raw at all, but whatever, queer. T-Fat welcome his “boy” John Cena. So maybe he does have some black in him after all. Just like his mom had black in her all last night, HEYOOOO! Sheamus follows suit shortly after but isn’t anybody’s boy apparently. Poor red-headed little bastard stepchild it is then.

John Cena vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (WWE Title Match)

Cena starts off hard, pounding on Sheamus but Sheamus runs him over with several clothesline and starts just wailing on Cena on the ground before ramming him into the corner. The First Irish-born WWE champion ever huh? Poor Finlay. A suplex picks up a two count for Sheamus and Cole is retardedly excited that this might be it. Dumbass. Cena ducks a clothesline counter to his corner bulldog and delivers the flying shoulder into the protobomb before he goes for a five knuckle shuffle. Sheamus staggers up into an FU but grabs the ropes. It looks like he’s holding an unfinished scaled fish. Dragging Sheamus off, Sheamus grabs the ref and tosses him. The ref DQs him because he’s apparently an idiot.
Winner: Cena

Well, he still hasn’t lost a match. Cena attacks Sheamus post match and gets dropped on his own head with a kick by Sheamus from nowhere. Sheamus delivers a second kick when he gets back up and celebrates as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Bret Hart coming back just once sounds cool.

Lowlight of the Night: Sheamus is still champion.

WWE “Creative” Award: SHEAMUS?! REALLY?! I refuse to change this until he’s not blinding me anymore.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).