everyone. I hope you all had a great holiday because
WWE is the gift that keeps on giving (us crap) year
Cena starts things
off and says last week’s excitement is carrying over
to tonight. He’s met by one of the most apathetic
responses to that you could probably get a sign of a
guy clapping with the most plain look on his face he
can. Cena says he’s upset over the whole diet cola
retribution from last week. A light CM Punk chant
starts after a recap of getting his head bashed in
by the chair. He reminds us of the diet soda and
then plays a clip from Smackdown when Punk nailed
him with a chair again. Cena finally calls Punk out
to allow him to be heard. Punk says Cena is not the
friendly every guy he appears to be and is actually
just a heartless asshole saying this goes way beyond
the spilled diet soda.
Cena corrects him on
the number of steel chairs he tossed on Wade and
complains about almost having his career ended. Punk
complains that Cena ended his good friend’s
career…Batista. They were friends? Isn’t he a roided
out freak? Something doesn’t seem right here. Cena
goes on an insult spree about everyone. Punk asks if
he’s noticed he isn’t funny. This gets a pretty big
pop. Punk mentions him as being predictable when he
offers to settle things in the ring tonight, because
it will be happening on his terms and not Cena’s,
because some time tonight he’s going to come to the
ring and call him out.
Quit threatening that
King/Miz rematch, I just ate.
Commercial Thought: How long was Cena lurking in
those stalls, watching people pee until he came out
for that commercial?
Back to the show where
Dibiase is already in the ring for a match with
Santino Marella w/ Tamina vs. Ted Dibaise w/
Santino does some
super kicks that come up very short until he just
gets clocked by Dibiase who works a headlock on the
ground. They’ve really tried hard to dress up Tamina
to look better lately. Santino is completely on the
defensive until he suddenly just drops Dibiase flat
and rolls him up for three out of nowhere. That was
Santino comes out
with a box from under the ring. She goes to open the
present, but Santino reveal it’s The Cobra. Dibaise
then attacks them from behind with Maryse taking out
Tamina, but they manage to regain control and
Santino delivers a Stunner to Dibiase. They both
give running falling head butts and twin cobras
before their cobras kiss. Those sentences somehow
didn’t involve gay porn. Miz is giving a pep talk to
Riley that he needs to annihilate Morrison. Yeah,
that’s happening. Miz says he’ll make Lawler beg for
mercy tonight before Morrison ninjas in behind them.
Morrison makes a stip for their match in that he
gets to pick the stipulation for his match with Miz
if he wins, but will forfeit his contendership if he
loses. Miz agrees to this because he’s an idiot.
Random Commercial Thought: We make it one way. With
Back to the show where we come in
mid-speech to Michael Cole, which is nice since I
always enjoy less of him talking. Morrison is on his
way out to the ring for the match. Alex still
doesn’t have his own entrance music. Cole says the
GM has agreed to the stipulations that Miz and
Morrison decided on.
John Morrison vs. Alex riley w/ The Miz
Morrison wins out early with a Russian leg sweep for
two. Miz distracts Morrison for an attack from
behind by Riley. To put it plainly, you could go
make a sandwich during this match and not miss
anything. I didn’t. Riley still has a headlock on
Morrison and manages to get a two count before
working him over in the corner, choking him out.
Cole and King spend most of this bantering about Miz
humiliating King tonight. Morrison escapes another
headlock attempt and starts teeing off on Riley
before running him over with a clothesline and heel
kick. Morrison gets tossed to the corner but comes
out with a kick. He goes for the flash kick, but Miz
blatantly trips him off. The ref decides to not
serve a DQ, but ejects Miz from the ring. Riley gets
a roll up for two, and the Flash Kick connects this
time. Morrison runs him down with the knee to the
head and picks up the three.
Nice of the ref to just eject Miz to the top of the
ring entrance instead of out of the arena or
something. Morrison announces the match will be next
week at the top of the year because the PPV will
obviously be an elimination chamber match again I
bet. It’s going to be a falls count anywhere match.
Random Commercial Thought: Too…many cookies….
As we return, Miz is bitching out Riley before we
cut to Daniel Bryan and the Bellas. They complain
they didn’t get any Daniel Bryan merchandise for
Christmas (Read: Cock), before Tyson Kidd comes in
and declares himself the next US champ, telling
Daniel to watch his next match. Orton is thinking in
the back when Matthews shows up to recap his last
few months to him like he doesn’t remember. Orton
says he wants Miz to win next week because he wants
to be the guy to crush Miz for the title. Josh
corrects him to remember to call Sheamus by his new
name: King Sheamus.
Thought: Justice looks like a pair of good legs.
Back to the show where Josh argues with Cole in
their annoying women voices about who will win
between Lawler and Miz. Also there’s a match.
Tyson Kidd w/ Jackson Andrews vs. Mark Henry
Anyone else notice Kidd is starting to inflate like
Mysterio? Henry hammers Kidd into the corner with
right hands and throws him into the other corner
with enough force to flatten him. Kidd takes a scoop
slam before Henry sits on him after giving a longing
view of his crotch, but Kidd manages to dodge it
thankfully for him. Teabagging isn’t cool. Kidd
delivers some knee drops to the head and works a
front facelock. Kidd eventualy just gets crushed by
the Strongest Slam for his efforts.
Andrews gets in the ring afterward to stare Henry
down. Henry takes a kick and ducks a clothesline
before just scooping Andrews up into the Strongest
Slam as well. Well, way to bury those two as
credible, guys. Didn’t Cody fucking Rhodes and Ted
Dibaise (who can’t even beat Santino) beat Mark
Random Commercial Thought: Get your
friend two crappy WWE Films for Christmas. It’s the
only way to say “I hate you and everything about
you.” with a gift.
Back to the show where Miz
is out to take on King in the rematch nobody wanted
to see. He keeps repeating himself in telling us
that nobody in the WWE compares to him. They say
Lawler doesn’t have his gear tonight because the
blizzard cancelled the flight and lost it.
WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. Jerry The
King Lawler (Non-Title Match)
Big Jerry chants to start things off. Miz wrestles
around into a take down on King and then taunts to
the camera. Josh and Cole are talking over each
other trying to be asshole to each others. Miz takes
Lawler down again and taunts some more as the crowd
rallies more. Miz forces Lawler to the corner and
taunts some more so Lawler tosses him to the corner
for some punches and a headlock before running him
down with some shoulder blocks. Miz buys some time
in the ropes as Lawler loosens up some. Miz comes in
low and beats Lawler down, slapping him in the back
of the head and delivering a kick to the gut.
Iz continues to taunt and kick Lawler around for a
bit. Why is this match still going on? Let’s go
guys, it’s only a two hour show. Oh yay, a headlock.
Riley gets in on some of the action while the ref is
distracted and Miz starts stomping away on Lawler.
Lawler fights back with some punches but Miz just
kicks him back down to the ground and rakes his
face. Miz keeps kicking his ass and winds up on King
in the corner while even Cole tells him to stop
dicking around. Morrison comes out for a distraction
but Miz charges at King anyway and bombs it,
avoiding a follow up on the ropes, leaving Miz
King comes in with punches on Miz,
leaving him rocking before he falls out into that
weird dropkick he does three times for a two count.
Miz escapes a body slam, but misses another corner
charge, trying his running kick in the corner.
Lawler is sent into the turnbuckle and Miz goes up
top, but King trips him off, sending Miz into the
steel steps. Riley is up on the apron, distracting
the ref so Morrison crushes Miz with the running
knee. Riley tries to get Miz and Morrison runs him
off, allowing the count out.
Elsewhere, Punk tells Sheamus that he wants Sheamus
to be watching during his surprise for Cena later
because he’s doing it for everyone that has ever
been wronged by Cena and then wishes him good luck
Random Commercial Thought:
Donate to Make a Wish, collect Frequent Flier Miles.
Back to the show where Cole bitches about the match
while King says Cole didn’t complain about Riley
interfering. Natalya was apparently here to hear all
that. In case you weren’t sure Melina is evil, she
is now teaming with Alicia Fox, the replacement
Alicia Fox & Melina vs. Eve Torres
& Gail Kim
Alicia gets bombs
a standing moonsault, landing on Eve’s knees, but
manages to regain control of the match and force Eve
to the corner where Melina tags in. Cole suddenly
hates Natalya now. I don’t know why, but they are
fighting. It’s so hard to focus on matches now with
the way he commentates. I’m considering just muting
the show. Melina eats a kick from Eve who tags out
to Gail Kim. Kim runs Melina over several times and
delivers a missile dropkick for two when Alicia
breaks the pin. Eve tackles her and they roll to the
floor for a cat fight. Gail gets crushed by a
clothesline from Melina who finishes her off with
her screaming Sunset Split for the win.
Melina and Natalya share words with
Melina apologizing for last week and offering a hand
shake. She goes for the sneak attack slap, but it’s
countered and Natalya flattens her. Melina makes a
run for it up the aisle. Punk is seen in the back
informing the trainers to get the EMTs ready for
Random Commercial Thought: Not even
all of those people were fat.
Back to the
show where a match is so important it’s already
Champion Daniel Bryan w/ The Bellas vs. Zack Ryder
Zack is in control at the
moment, running Daniel over with a kick in the
corner. He picks up a two count out of a neck
breaker on Bryan. Bryan escapes another attempt by
countering right into the LaBell Lock. Glad I missed
practically tackle him as the GM interrupts things.
Cole actually jumps up with an “Ah ha!” of glee. The
GM wishes a Happy New Year to everyone when suddenly
Miz shows up and demolishes King at ringside,
beating him down and slamming him into the ring
barricade. He’s sent into the announce desk a few
times and eventually takes a skull crushing finale.
I guess Morrison was too busy combing his hair to
help. A couple of refs eventually wander out to run
him off though. How nice of them.
Commercial Thought: Food commercials look really
good when you eat nothing but meatballs for three
Back to the show where Josh is back on
the desk again and Orton and Sheamus are set to mix
Randy Orton vs. King Sheamus
Sheamus pummels Orton into the corner, but they take
turns in turning the tables for assaults. Orton gets
run down after Sheamus dodges a knee drop and comes
back with knee drops of his own and a fist to the
back of the head. Sheamus works a chicken wing on
the ground but Orton quickly battles out. Orton
picks up a two count off of something I didn’t see.
Sheamus rallies back by kicking Orton knee out and
this is already better than almost every single
match I’ve seen these two have before by being
infinitely less predictable. Sheamus delivers
several knees to the gut in the corner.
powers back and goes for the suspended DDT, but
Sheamus slips free. Sheamus tries to send Orton off
of the apron, but Orton ducks and dumps him to the
floor. Sheamus slams Orton backward into the ring
post. Sheamus delivers a flying shoulder tackle by
sling shotting himself over the top rope to pick up
a two count.
Random Commercial Thought: Does
Taco Bell have anything to do with White Collar?
We return to Sheamus picking up a two count on Orton
after working a submission on the head and back.
Sheamus pummels Orton into the corner relentlessly
but misses a corner charge and slams himself into
the ring post. Orton drags Sheamus up to the top
rope, which is kind of weird, since Sheamus has to
just climb up there himself obviously. Maybe he
didn’t think he would actually do a superplex when
he got up there? Oh, look, a superplex. Orton picks
They battle back and forth and Orton
delivers some clothesline followed by the power
slam. Sheamus escapes to the corner, but Orton ducks
a shot and picks up two off the Angle Slam. Orton
charges Sheamus two try an RKO, but Sheamus counters
into the Irish Curse backbreaker for two of his own.
Orton ducks the kick and goes for an RKO, but
Sheamus pushes him off for a clothesline. Orton
counters the High Cross into his own backbreaker and
signals another RKO. Sheamus rolls to the apron and
tries to slingshot back in to his shoulder block
again, but Orton counters into the RKO for the
Easily the best match
they’ve ever had hands down.
Commercial Thought: So a “call out” is the main
Cena returns us to Raw by coming out
right away and saying he showed up early, repeatedly
calling him “CM Sucks” as if that is clever. Punk’s
music plays and nobody shows. He’s still calling him
that, saying he’s going to come find him if he won’t
come. Suddenly, Nexus appears instead, minus Wade
Barrett. They charge the ring. David Otunga says
this isn’t what he thinks. Otunga says Nexus is
under new management now, and he’s offering Cena a
truce. Cena refuses the truce and sends them on
their merry way. They leave but suddenly turn around
and charge into the ring to beat him down.
Typical Nexus beat down with Gabriel ending it with
his new Hobo Beard Splash. Punk arrives afterward
and delivers a GTS to Cena. Punk grabs a chair but
stops short of hitting Cena with it. Instead he
takes a seat and puts on a Nexus arm band. Some big
Punk chants start up for this. Then Nexus salutes
him with the Straight Edge fist. I guess they had to
get somebody who can at least talk into this group.
Highlight of the Night:
Orton/Sheamus was definitely match of the night.
Lowlight of the Night: Bryan’s
match was rather pointless and uninspiring.
WWE “Creative” Award: Tired of
King matches, kthx.