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WWE
RAW RANT:
(12/27/10)
By Cameron Burge

Merry GetStuffmas everyone. I hope you all had a great holiday because WWE is the gift that keeps on giving (us crap) year round!

Raw 12.27.10

Cena starts things off and says last week’s excitement is carrying over to tonight. He’s met by one of the most apathetic responses to that you could probably get a sign of a guy clapping with the most plain look on his face he can. Cena says he’s upset over the whole diet cola retribution from last week. A light CM Punk chant starts after a recap of getting his head bashed in by the chair. He reminds us of the diet soda and then plays a clip from Smackdown when Punk nailed him with a chair again. Cena finally calls Punk out to allow him to be heard. Punk says Cena is not the friendly every guy he appears to be and is actually just a heartless asshole saying this goes way beyond the spilled diet soda.

Cena corrects him on the number of steel chairs he tossed on Wade and complains about almost having his career ended. Punk complains that Cena ended his good friend’s career…Batista. They were friends? Isn’t he a roided out freak? Something doesn’t seem right here. Cena goes on an insult spree about everyone. Punk asks if he’s noticed he isn’t funny. This gets a pretty big pop. Punk mentions him as being predictable when he offers to settle things in the ring tonight, because it will be happening on his terms and not Cena’s, because some time tonight he’s going to come to the ring and call him out.

Quit threatening that King/Miz rematch, I just ate.

Random Commercial Thought: How long was Cena lurking in those stalls, watching people pee until he came out for that commercial?

Back to the show where Dibiase is already in the ring for a match with Santino.

Santino Marella w/ Tamina vs. Ted Dibaise w/ Maryse

Santino does some super kicks that come up very short until he just gets clocked by Dibiase who works a headlock on the ground. They’ve really tried hard to dress up Tamina to look better lately. Santino is completely on the defensive until he suddenly just drops Dibiase flat and rolls him up for three out of nowhere. That was fast.
Winner: Santino

Santino comes out with a box from under the ring. She goes to open the present, but Santino reveal it’s The Cobra. Dibaise then attacks them from behind with Maryse taking out Tamina, but they manage to regain control and Santino delivers a Stunner to Dibiase. They both give running falling head butts and twin cobras before their cobras kiss. Those sentences somehow didn’t involve gay porn. Miz is giving a pep talk to Riley that he needs to annihilate Morrison. Yeah, that’s happening. Miz says he’ll make Lawler beg for mercy tonight before Morrison ninjas in behind them. Morrison makes a stip for their match in that he gets to pick the stipulation for his match with Miz if he wins, but will forfeit his contendership if he loses. Miz agrees to this because he’s an idiot.

Random Commercial Thought: We make it one way. With pain.

Back to the show where we come in mid-speech to Michael Cole, which is nice since I always enjoy less of him talking. Morrison is on his way out to the ring for the match. Alex still doesn’t have his own entrance music. Cole says the GM has agreed to the stipulations that Miz and Morrison decided on.

John Morrison vs. Alex riley w/ The Miz

Morrison wins out early with a Russian leg sweep for two. Miz distracts Morrison for an attack from behind by Riley. To put it plainly, you could go make a sandwich during this match and not miss anything. I didn’t. Riley still has a headlock on Morrison and manages to get a two count before working him over in the corner, choking him out. Cole and King spend most of this bantering about Miz humiliating King tonight. Morrison escapes another headlock attempt and starts teeing off on Riley before running him over with a clothesline and heel kick. Morrison gets tossed to the corner but comes out with a kick. He goes for the flash kick, but Miz blatantly trips him off. The ref decides to not serve a DQ, but ejects Miz from the ring. Riley gets a roll up for two, and the Flash Kick connects this time. Morrison runs him down with the knee to the head and picks up the three.
Winner: Morrison

Nice of the ref to just eject Miz to the top of the ring entrance instead of out of the arena or something. Morrison announces the match will be next week at the top of the year because the PPV will obviously be an elimination chamber match again I bet. It’s going to be a falls count anywhere match.

Random Commercial Thought: Too…many cookies….

As we return, Miz is bitching out Riley before we cut to Daniel Bryan and the Bellas. They complain they didn’t get any Daniel Bryan merchandise for Christmas (Read: Cock), before Tyson Kidd comes in and declares himself the next US champ, telling Daniel to watch his next match. Orton is thinking in the back when Matthews shows up to recap his last few months to him like he doesn’t remember. Orton says he wants Miz to win next week because he wants to be the guy to crush Miz for the title. Josh corrects him to remember to call Sheamus by his new name: King Sheamus.

Random Commercial Thought: Justice looks like a pair of good legs.

Back to the show where Josh argues with Cole in their annoying women voices about who will win between Lawler and Miz. Also there’s a match.

Tyson Kidd w/ Jackson Andrews vs. Mark Henry

Anyone else notice Kidd is starting to inflate like Mysterio? Henry hammers Kidd into the corner with right hands and throws him into the other corner with enough force to flatten him. Kidd takes a scoop slam before Henry sits on him after giving a longing view of his crotch, but Kidd manages to dodge it thankfully for him. Teabagging isn’t cool. Kidd delivers some knee drops to the head and works a front facelock. Kidd eventualy just gets crushed by the Strongest Slam for his efforts.
Winner: Henry

Andrews gets in the ring afterward to stare Henry down. Henry takes a kick and ducks a clothesline before just scooping Andrews up into the Strongest Slam as well. Well, way to bury those two as credible, guys. Didn’t Cody fucking Rhodes and Ted Dibaise (who can’t even beat Santino) beat Mark Henry?

Random Commercial Thought: Get your friend two crappy WWE Films for Christmas. It’s the only way to say “I hate you and everything about you.” with a gift.

Back to the show where Miz is out to take on King in the rematch nobody wanted to see. He keeps repeating himself in telling us that nobody in the WWE compares to him. They say Lawler doesn’t have his gear tonight because the blizzard cancelled the flight and lost it.

WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. Jerry The King Lawler (Non-Title Match)

Big Jerry chants to start things off. Miz wrestles around into a take down on King and then taunts to the camera. Josh and Cole are talking over each other trying to be asshole to each others. Miz takes Lawler down again and taunts some more as the crowd rallies more. Miz forces Lawler to the corner and taunts some more so Lawler tosses him to the corner for some punches and a headlock before running him down with some shoulder blocks. Miz buys some time in the ropes as Lawler loosens up some. Miz comes in low and beats Lawler down, slapping him in the back of the head and delivering a kick to the gut.

Iz continues to taunt and kick Lawler around for a bit. Why is this match still going on? Let’s go guys, it’s only a two hour show. Oh yay, a headlock. Riley gets in on some of the action while the ref is distracted and Miz starts stomping away on Lawler. Lawler fights back with some punches but Miz just kicks him back down to the ground and rakes his face. Miz keeps kicking his ass and winds up on King in the corner while even Cole tells him to stop dicking around. Morrison comes out for a distraction but Miz charges at King anyway and bombs it, avoiding a follow up on the ropes, leaving Miz racked.

King comes in with punches on Miz, leaving him rocking before he falls out into that weird dropkick he does three times for a two count. Miz escapes a body slam, but misses another corner charge, trying his running kick in the corner. Lawler is sent into the turnbuckle and Miz goes up top, but King trips him off, sending Miz into the steel steps. Riley is up on the apron, distracting the ref so Morrison crushes Miz with the running knee. Riley tries to get Miz and Morrison runs him off, allowing the count out.
Winner: King

Elsewhere, Punk tells Sheamus that he wants Sheamus to be watching during his surprise for Cena later because he’s doing it for everyone that has ever been wronged by Cena and then wishes him good luck against Orton.

Random Commercial Thought: Donate to Make a Wish, collect Frequent Flier Miles.

Back to the show where Cole bitches about the match while King says Cole didn’t complain about Riley interfering. Natalya was apparently here to hear all that. In case you weren’t sure Melina is evil, she is now teaming with Alicia Fox, the replacement Jillian Hall.

Alicia Fox & Melina vs. Eve Torres & Gail Kim

Alicia gets bombs a standing moonsault, landing on Eve’s knees, but manages to regain control of the match and force Eve to the corner where Melina tags in. Cole suddenly hates Natalya now. I don’t know why, but they are fighting. It’s so hard to focus on matches now with the way he commentates. I’m considering just muting the show. Melina eats a kick from Eve who tags out to Gail Kim. Kim runs Melina over several times and delivers a missile dropkick for two when Alicia breaks the pin. Eve tackles her and they roll to the floor for a cat fight. Gail gets crushed by a clothesline from Melina who finishes her off with her screaming Sunset Split for the win.
Winner: Melina

Melina and Natalya share words with Melina apologizing for last week and offering a hand shake. She goes for the sneak attack slap, but it’s countered and Natalya flattens her. Melina makes a run for it up the aisle. Punk is seen in the back informing the trainers to get the EMTs ready for tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Not even all of those people were fat.

Back to the show where a match is so important it’s already going on.

US Champion Daniel Bryan w/ The Bellas vs. Zack Ryder (Non-Title)

Zack is in control at the moment, running Daniel over with a kick in the corner. He picks up a two count out of a neck breaker on Bryan. Bryan escapes another attempt by countering right into the LaBell Lock. Glad I missed that match?
Winner: Bryan

The Bellas practically tackle him as the GM interrupts things. Cole actually jumps up with an “Ah ha!” of glee. The GM wishes a Happy New Year to everyone when suddenly Miz shows up and demolishes King at ringside, beating him down and slamming him into the ring barricade. He’s sent into the announce desk a few times and eventually takes a skull crushing finale. I guess Morrison was too busy combing his hair to help. A couple of refs eventually wander out to run him off though. How nice of them.

Random Commercial Thought: Food commercials look really good when you eat nothing but meatballs for three days.

Back to the show where Josh is back on the desk again and Orton and Sheamus are set to mix it up.

Randy Orton vs. King Sheamus

Sheamus pummels Orton into the corner, but they take turns in turning the tables for assaults. Orton gets run down after Sheamus dodges a knee drop and comes back with knee drops of his own and a fist to the back of the head. Sheamus works a chicken wing on the ground but Orton quickly battles out. Orton picks up a two count off of something I didn’t see. Sheamus rallies back by kicking Orton knee out and this is already better than almost every single match I’ve seen these two have before by being infinitely less predictable. Sheamus delivers several knees to the gut in the corner.

Orton powers back and goes for the suspended DDT, but Sheamus slips free. Sheamus tries to send Orton off of the apron, but Orton ducks and dumps him to the floor. Sheamus slams Orton backward into the ring post. Sheamus delivers a flying shoulder tackle by sling shotting himself over the top rope to pick up a two count.

Random Commercial Thought: Does Taco Bell have anything to do with White Collar?

We return to Sheamus picking up a two count on Orton after working a submission on the head and back. Sheamus pummels Orton into the corner relentlessly but misses a corner charge and slams himself into the ring post. Orton drags Sheamus up to the top rope, which is kind of weird, since Sheamus has to just climb up there himself obviously. Maybe he didn’t think he would actually do a superplex when he got up there? Oh, look, a superplex. Orton picks up two.

They battle back and forth and Orton delivers some clothesline followed by the power slam. Sheamus escapes to the corner, but Orton ducks a shot and picks up two off the Angle Slam. Orton charges Sheamus two try an RKO, but Sheamus counters into the Irish Curse backbreaker for two of his own. Orton ducks the kick and goes for an RKO, but Sheamus pushes him off for a clothesline. Orton counters the High Cross into his own backbreaker and signals another RKO. Sheamus rolls to the apron and tries to slingshot back in to his shoulder block again, but Orton counters into the RKO for the three.
Winner: Orton

Easily the best match they’ve ever had hands down.

Random Commercial Thought: So a “call out” is the main event?

Cena returns us to Raw by coming out right away and saying he showed up early, repeatedly calling him “CM Sucks” as if that is clever. Punk’s music plays and nobody shows. He’s still calling him that, saying he’s going to come find him if he won’t come. Suddenly, Nexus appears instead, minus Wade Barrett. They charge the ring. David Otunga says this isn’t what he thinks. Otunga says Nexus is under new management now, and he’s offering Cena a truce. Cena refuses the truce and sends them on their merry way. They leave but suddenly turn around and charge into the ring to beat him down.

Typical Nexus beat down with Gabriel ending it with his new Hobo Beard Splash. Punk arrives afterward and delivers a GTS to Cena. Punk grabs a chair but stops short of hitting Cena with it. Instead he takes a seat and puts on a Nexus arm band. Some big Punk chants start up for this. Then Nexus salutes him with the Straight Edge fist. I guess they had to get somebody who can at least talk into this group.

Highlight of the Night: Orton/Sheamus was definitely match of the night.

Lowlight of the Night: Bryan’s match was rather pointless and uninspiring.

WWE “Creative” Award: Tired of King matches, kthx.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).