WWE
RAW RANT:
(12/21/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the show that just never stops giving. What it gives is a completely different matter. Complete shit or pot of gold? You be the judge! I want to wish all my readers out there who have followed me through these past few years in wrestling a very Merry Christmas. Don’t forget to send me something awesome because I’m poor. Please? Hello?

Raw 12.21.09

Show opens with theme and pyro. We are immediately left to question why WWE would get a baseball player to be the guest host who essentially has betrayed the fans of the town they are currently in. Good choice. Johnny tries to say he’s hosting “Raaaaaaaw” but his voice just kinda trails off instead of holding any kind of intensity like he forgot what he was saying. He reminds us we have Secret Santas out there who will grant Raw superstars a wish before we hear some roaring and see…a tiger suit man being chased by a hot blonde with a cane. This must be some kind Tampa Bay thing. She chases him through the ring and then out of the arena. Damon trips over more of his words than you can imagine while talking before calling out the divas. Oh, why couldn’t it have been a commercial break instead?

Diva’s Champion Melina & Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim vs. Maryse & Alicia Fox & Jillian Hall

Kim starts off with Jillian and eats a knee to the midsection. Jillian misses a corner charge and eats Gail’s wrap around corner splash. Gail comes off the top with a cross body for two. Jillian tries her handspring elbow and like always misses it as Gail leaps onto her back. Jillian counters with an electric chair drop for two. Double team now with Maryse as she tags in and delivers a backbreaker for two. Kim slams her into the corner and tags in Kelly. Kelly delivers some dropkicks and a head scissors before delivering a standing guillotine leg drop for two. The divas all come in on the break up but Melina dropkicks Kelly into a pin on Maryse while the ref is obviously distracting himself for the three.
Winners: Faces

Random Commercial Thought: Santa Clause is watching you.

Back to the show where we get a video package about DX in court earlier. They went to the arena while it was empty and crawled under the ring, somehow falling down Alice’s Rabbit Hole (vagina joke here) and into an empty hallway. They managed to shill the fucking glowsticks too. They find the courtroom and sure enough it’s court held by midgets. Hey look, a black midget, that’s three times as funny. Tiny Judge Judy is obviously the funniest thing ever. It’s so topical! This segment is so funny I think I want to kill myself. Is that the normal reaction to funny? No wait, the opposite thing from that…torture! That’s it! It turns into a clip show of their midget abuse to the People’s Court theme. Ironically, WWE was then sued by the People’s Court for copyright infringement. Oh my fucking god, it has an announcer to tell us this will continue throughout the night. Help me. God someone help me.

Oh god it’s Randy Orton. That’s not what I meant! Take me back to the midgets! Since one six-person tag wasn’t enough, it’s Legacy’s turn to head out and one up the divas. Shouldn’t be too hard. They are taking on Henry, Kingston and…Evan Bourne? One of these things is not like the others.

Kofi Kingston & Mark Henry & Evan Bourne vs. Legacy

Henry is starting off with Orton here who runs like a woman and tags in Cody while rolling out of the ring. Cody turns with a “What the fuck, man?” before being thrown into the ring by Henry. Dibiase is tossed from the ring for trying to come in and Rhodes attacks from behind. Henry just absorbs it and bench presses Rhodes before tagging in Kofi. Kofi kicks Rhodes down and stomps him into the ground until the ref drags him off. Rhodes ducks a corner leap by Kingston and makes the tag to Orton. Orton stalks over Kofi as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Dungeons and Dragons. Satan’s game. Your children, like it or not, are attracted to the occult.

Back to the show where Kofi is being worked over still but he kicks off Rhodes and leaps to the tag to Bourne. Bourne delivers some flipping dropkicks and kicks both Dibiase and Orton off of the apron. He lays Rhodes out and nails Air Bourne but Dibiase breaks up the pin. Kingston sends Dibiase to the floor but Orton drags Bourne out for a short arm clothesline on the floor while the ref is putting Kofi back in his place like a good black man. Bourne kicks out from Rhodes at two and Orton is in now.

Orton stomps Bourne down on the ropes before being pulled back but he returns just to hang Bourne up on the bottom rope and pick up another two. Bourne is dragged back to the corner for Dibiase to work him over and deliver a vertical suplex for yet another two. Henry tries to fire up the crowd for Bourne as Dibiase decides the best time to do a headlock is when the crowd is hot. Yeah. Orton tells him to break his head off which I’m pretty sure qualifies as intent to kill. Bourne tries to get out only to be slammed hard with a huge clothesline for two. Rhodes and Dibiase exchange quick tags with double teaming but Bourne flips out of a hold by Dibiase, kicking him out of the corner. Bourne crawls to a tag and Orton and Kofi are in.

Kofi delivers some dropkicks and leaps out of the corner on Orton with another dropkick before delivering the boom drop and picking up two when Rhodes breaks it up. Henry runs Rhodes over and Orton comes back now with a kick. Dibiase tags in and tries to nail Kingston from behind but he ducks and hits Trouble in Paradise for three.
Winners: Kingston, Henry & Bourne

In the back, Santa and Johnny are hanging out with some divas and drinking eggnog when Carlito shows up to hit on one under the missletoe. Masters switches places with her while his eyes are closed and Santa Claus “orders” them to have a match. Turns out he’s Sgt. Slaughter. Uh, it somehow ends up with a Sgt. Slaughter is gay joke and the match being made.

Random Commercial Thought: Has NOBODY realized that Avatar is just Dances With Wolves again? Really?

Back to the show where more “hilarity” ensues with DX in court. Yeah, I knew you cared. More replays of midget abuse. They are found guilty and then assaulted by midgets for not letting Horny into DX. They run out and back down the hallway and appear back out from under the ring. They also talked to a caterpillar. Uh, maybe not that last thing. They also try to drag Michaels back under before they run from the arena. Jesus. Why.

Random Commercial Thought: Nicholas Cage will forever be known for bees.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Cena’s win last week. He’s on his way out now to make sure Jack Swagger is sufficiently buried.

Jack Swagger vs. John Cena

Swagger takes control early on, wrestling Cena down to the ground and working him over. He starts striking at the lower back and forces Cena to the corner, pounding him back and slamming him into the turnbuckle before following up with some shoulder charges to the midsection. I’m surprised they are letting Swagger look this strong right now as he continues to work Cena over and…oh wait he eats a bulldog and is sent to the floor.

Random Commercial Thought: Angels are here to kick our asses.

Back to the show where Swagger has Cena in a chicken wing, having slammed him into the security wall during the break. He releases the hold and stomps Cena down in the corner before Cena powers back. Cena gets caught in a side slam though for two. Swagger goes back to the chicken wing hold here. Cena powers free but Swagger hip tosses and relocks the hold on. Good mat work from Swagger here in this match. Swagger counters Cena again when he tries to escape and lands a leg drop. Swagger does a slow set up for a corner splash and amazingly hits it for two more. Swagger looks confused but goddmanit man you have a finisher, try using it? Uh….is that herpes on Swagger’s lip? What the fuck is that?

Swagger tries his gut wrench but Cena backdrops out. Cena ducks a clothesline and goes to his general offense now. The Protobomb leads to a five knuckle shuffle. The FU is counters into a swinging neck breaker and a power slam for two. Swagger drags Cena up and goes back to pounding on him in the corner before trying to hoist him up top for a superplex. Cena punches him off and bomb his guillotine leg drop. Swagger tries another corner body splash but bombs as well and Cena puts him in the STF for the win.
Winner: Cena (surprised?…no?)

In the back there’s a Dusty Rhodes Santa talking to Damon. MVP asks for a wish to get a chance to earn a title shot. He asks for a match with Sheamus tonight. Dusty is even harder to understand through the beard. Johnny agrees to make the match.

Random Commercial Thought: Recycling is a sin against mankind!

Back to the show where Carlito is here to take on Masters which is a match I never thought I’d be seeing again on Raw. Masters comes out with his honorary chick.

Chris Masters w/ Eve vs. Carlito

Masters goes for his finisher right away but Carlito dives to the ropes. Carlito puts on a sleeper and forces Masters to the ground but he breaks free Masters delivers a big slam and signals the hold screaming “MASTERLOCK!”” like a Dragonball Z characters. Carlito hit’s a jaw buster to block, and elbow to block again but Masters just forces the hold and makes him pass out for the win.
Winner: Masters

Eve makes out with Masters under a missletoe after the match and it sets off involuntary chest reflexes apparently. Get it? ReFLEXes?…Yeah I got nothing. Replay of the tribute to the troops from this past weekend before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: No one gets out of this show alive.

Back to the show where Miz approaches Santa to whine and bitch, but it turns out to be IRS who wants to audit him. Also there’s another segment with the chick and the tiger. Johnny says he paid his but IRS says baseball players are the biggest cheats of all and Mae Young shows up to make out with him. GAH! Does Vince gets his rocks off to that old bitch or something? Put on your sunglasses everyone, it’s Sheamus time. Does he keep buying bigger crosses?

Random Commercial Thought: I have to wonder who is paying for this onslaught of shitty CG movie crap at the end of the year.

Back to the show where Sheamus is still in the ring as they try to say Cena only “lost his balance” against Sheamus and that’s why he lost. Pretty soon we’ll be saying the table moved itself under him too.

WWE Champion Sheamus (LOLOLOLOL) vs. MVP (Non-title Match)

Sheamus slams MVP down hard to start us off and he stalks around the ring grinning. MVP dodges a big corner charge and goes to town, ducking wild blows. Sheamus finally lands a kick but MVP comes back with a face buster. He goes for Ballin’ but Sheamus stands up with his little jump kick and finishes this squash with the Razor’s Edge for the three.
Winner: Sheamus

Cena charges the ring after the match with a microphone. He points out that Sheamus owes him a rematch and wants to collect on it right now. Sheamus looks confused as if somebody forgot to hand him the script for this part of the show and he’s actually being asked to improvise. He decides it is better to retreat, but then changes his mind again…and then leaves again.

Random Commercial Thought: There’s nowhere you can hide from Sheamus’ pale skin of death.

Vince runs into Johnny in the back and asks him about Cena’s challenge. Johnny makes the match for next week and Vince denies that Bret will ever host the show. Anvilicious. We’re off to ringside for a Miz match. He’s facing….Santino Claus. He offers us all a Merry Christmas, Merry Hanukah and Merry Kwanza before singing some Christmas carols and I die a little inside.

US Champion The Miz vs. Santino Marella (Non-title Match)

Santino chooses to fight in the outfit and Miz just tackles him and stomps the living shit out of him. Santino gets choked out on the ropes and Miz even steals one of Jericho’s moves for this. Miz delivers a neck breaker and charges Santino into the corner for some more ass kicking. Miz misses a leap into the corner and Santino does the splits to duck a clothesline, delivering a hip toss. Santino goes up top and bombs a head butt. Santino staggers up into the skull-crushing finale for the three.
Winner: Miz

Miz stomps Santino’s sack of gifts before kicking it from the ring. Looked to only have garbage in it anyway. Because it was so funny the first time, they REPLAY the segments of Little People’s Court again starting from the beginning. Sigh. Elsewhere, Big Show demands a wish from Santa now and is headed to the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: This season, Ted Dibiase is….a terrible actor.

Back to the show. Big Show is in the ring demanding his gift. He’s presented with a Rocking Christmas tune for the intro to a Santa escorted by Bellas. Santa says that a bow this large isn’t going to be sitting on his lap so Big Show provides a knee for Santa to sit on himself. Big Show says he’s been a good boy. This…this is embarrassing. Santa asks him what he would like and Big Show says what he really wants is Chris Jericho back on Raw. Uh…why? Santa says Chris Jericho is a bad boy but if it’s what he really wants…Santa grants his wish saying Chris Jericho will be back next week. Big Show hugs him and Hornswoggle appears in DX gear to reveal Santa to be none other than Jericho himself. An army of DX midgets then appear from under the ring in response to Jericho’s challenge. I….I hate this. I absolutely hate this. Jericho strips down to fight them off. Big Show even helps. Big Show side slams one and it looks like he just murdered a
child. That was fun.

Jericho retrieves Hornswoggle and pulls him back into the ring until he throws off his hat and tunes up the band in the corner. Are you kidding me? He super kicks Jericho’s knee and Big Show is about to choke slam him when DX arrives. DX fights Jericho to the floor and double suplex Big Show to send him out as well. Trips wants to squash him and Shawn says its Christmas so they can’t. Trips says he wants to squash him for Christmas. Squash him! For God’s sake just kill the thing! Shawn says Hornswoggle is starting to grow on him. Michaels says he’s done what they wanted to qualify for membership and asks if they can keep him so long as he feeds him and takes him for walks. Trips says there’s a height requirement. Trips makes him the mascot instead of a member. I….I’m not down with this! No! Don’t go off the air! I’m not down! I’M NOT DOWN!

Highlight of the Night: Um…uh…it’s almost Christmas YAAAAAY!

Lowlight of the Night: Little People’s Court. Uuuhhg.

WWE “Creative” Award: SHEAMUS?! REALLY?!…Also, Little People’s Court?! REALLY?!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.