Welcome back to the show
that just never stops giving. What it gives is a
completely different matter. Complete shit or pot of
gold? You be the judge! I want to wish all my
readers out there who have followed me through these
past few years in wrestling a very Merry Christmas.
Don’t forget to send me something awesome because
I’m poor. Please? Hello?
Show opens with theme and
pyro. We are immediately left to question why WWE
would get a baseball player to be the guest host who
essentially has betrayed the fans of the town they
are currently in. Good choice. Johnny tries to say
he’s hosting “Raaaaaaaw” but his voice just kinda
trails off instead of holding any kind of intensity
like he forgot what he was saying. He reminds us we
have Secret Santas out there who will grant Raw
superstars a wish before we hear some roaring and
see…a tiger suit man being chased by a hot blonde
with a cane. This must be some kind Tampa Bay thing.
She chases him through the ring and then out of the
arena. Damon trips over more of his words than you
can imagine while talking before calling out the
divas. Oh, why couldn’t it have been a commercial
Diva’s Champion Melina & Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim
vs. Maryse & Alicia Fox & Jillian Hall
Kim starts off with Jillian and eats a knee to the
midsection. Jillian misses a corner charge and eats
Gail’s wrap around corner splash. Gail comes off the
top with a cross body for two. Jillian tries her
handspring elbow and like always misses it as Gail
leaps onto her back. Jillian counters with an
electric chair drop for two. Double team now with
Maryse as she tags in and delivers a backbreaker for
two. Kim slams her into the corner and tags in
Kelly. Kelly delivers some dropkicks and a head
scissors before delivering a standing guillotine leg
drop for two. The divas all come in on the break up
but Melina dropkicks Kelly into a pin on Maryse
while the ref is obviously distracting himself for
Commercial Thought: Santa Clause is watching you.
Back to the show where we get a video package about
DX in court earlier. They went to the arena while it
was empty and crawled under the ring, somehow
falling down Alice’s Rabbit Hole (vagina joke here)
and into an empty hallway. They managed to shill the
fucking glowsticks too. They find the courtroom and
sure enough it’s court held by midgets. Hey look, a
black midget, that’s three times as funny. Tiny
Judge Judy is obviously the funniest thing ever.
It’s so topical! This segment is so funny I think I
want to kill myself. Is that the normal reaction to
funny? No wait, the opposite thing from
that…torture! That’s it! It turns into a clip show
of their midget abuse to the People’s Court theme.
Ironically, WWE was then sued by the People’s Court
for copyright infringement. Oh my fucking god, it
has an announcer to tell us this will continue
throughout the night. Help me. God someone help me.
Oh god it’s Randy Orton. That’s not what I meant!
Take me back to the midgets! Since one six-person
tag wasn’t enough, it’s Legacy’s turn to head out
and one up the divas. Shouldn’t be too hard. They
are taking on Henry, Kingston and…Evan Bourne? One
of these things is not like the others.
Kofi Kingston & Mark Henry & Evan Bourne
Henry is starting
off with Orton here who runs like a woman and tags
in Cody while rolling out of the ring. Cody turns
with a “What the fuck, man?” before being thrown
into the ring by Henry. Dibiase is tossed from the
ring for trying to come in and Rhodes attacks from
behind. Henry just absorbs it and bench presses
Rhodes before tagging in Kofi. Kofi kicks Rhodes
down and stomps him into the ground until the ref
drags him off. Rhodes ducks a corner leap by
Kingston and makes the tag to Orton. Orton stalks
over Kofi as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Dungeons and Dragons. Satan’s
game. Your children, like it or not, are attracted
to the occult.
Back to the show where Kofi is
being worked over still but he kicks off Rhodes and
leaps to the tag to Bourne. Bourne delivers some
flipping dropkicks and kicks both Dibiase and Orton
off of the apron. He lays Rhodes out and nails Air
Bourne but Dibiase breaks up the pin. Kingston sends
Dibiase to the floor but Orton drags Bourne out for
a short arm clothesline on the floor while the ref
is putting Kofi back in his place like a good black
man. Bourne kicks out from Rhodes at two and Orton
is in now.
Orton stomps Bourne down on the
ropes before being pulled back but he returns just
to hang Bourne up on the bottom rope and pick up
another two. Bourne is dragged back to the corner
for Dibiase to work him over and deliver a vertical
suplex for yet another two. Henry tries to fire up
the crowd for Bourne as Dibiase decides the best
time to do a headlock is when the crowd is hot.
Yeah. Orton tells him to break his head off which
I’m pretty sure qualifies as intent to kill. Bourne
tries to get out only to be slammed hard with a huge
clothesline for two. Rhodes and Dibiase exchange
quick tags with double teaming but Bourne flips out
of a hold by Dibiase, kicking him out of the corner.
Bourne crawls to a tag and Orton and Kofi are in.
Kofi delivers some dropkicks and leaps out of the
corner on Orton with another dropkick before
delivering the boom drop and picking up two when
Rhodes breaks it up. Henry runs Rhodes over and
Orton comes back now with a kick. Dibiase tags in
and tries to nail Kingston from behind but he ducks
and hits Trouble in Paradise for three.
Kingston, Henry & Bourne
In the back, Santa
and Johnny are hanging out with some divas and
drinking eggnog when Carlito shows up to hit on one
under the missletoe. Masters switches places with
her while his eyes are closed and Santa Claus
“orders” them to have a match. Turns out he’s Sgt.
Slaughter. Uh, it somehow ends up with a Sgt.
Slaughter is gay joke and the match being made.
Random Commercial Thought: Has NOBODY realized that
Avatar is just Dances With Wolves again? Really?
Back to the show where more “hilarity” ensues with
DX in court. Yeah, I knew you cared. More replays of
midget abuse. They are found guilty and then
assaulted by midgets for not letting Horny into DX.
They run out and back down the hallway and appear
back out from under the ring. They also talked to a
caterpillar. Uh, maybe not that last thing. They
also try to drag Michaels back under before they run
from the arena. Jesus. Why.
Thought: Nicholas Cage will forever be known for
Back to the show where we get a replay
of Cena’s win last week. He’s on his way out now to
make sure Jack Swagger is sufficiently buried.
Jack Swagger vs. John Cena
takes control early on, wrestling Cena down to the
ground and working him over. He starts striking at
the lower back and forces Cena to the corner,
pounding him back and slamming him into the
turnbuckle before following up with some shoulder
charges to the midsection. I’m surprised they are
letting Swagger look this strong right now as he
continues to work Cena over and…oh wait he eats a
bulldog and is sent to the floor.
Commercial Thought: Angels are here to kick our
Back to the show where Swagger has
Cena in a chicken wing, having slammed him into the
security wall during the break. He releases the hold
and stomps Cena down in the corner before Cena
powers back. Cena gets caught in a side slam though
for two. Swagger goes back to the chicken wing hold
here. Cena powers free but Swagger hip tosses and
relocks the hold on. Good mat work from Swagger here
in this match. Swagger counters Cena again when he
tries to escape and lands a leg drop. Swagger does a
slow set up for a corner splash and amazingly hits
it for two more. Swagger looks confused but
goddmanit man you have a finisher, try using it?
Uh….is that herpes on Swagger’s lip? What the fuck
Swagger tries his gut wrench but
Cena backdrops out. Cena ducks a clothesline and
goes to his general offense now. The Protobomb leads
to a five knuckle shuffle. The FU is counters into a
swinging neck breaker and a power slam for two.
Swagger drags Cena up and goes back to pounding on
him in the corner before trying to hoist him up top
for a superplex. Cena punches him off and bomb his
guillotine leg drop. Swagger tries another corner
body splash but bombs as well and Cena puts him in
the STF for the win.
In the back there’s a Dusty
Rhodes Santa talking to Damon. MVP asks for a wish
to get a chance to earn a title shot. He asks for a
match with Sheamus tonight. Dusty is even harder to
understand through the beard. Johnny agrees to make
Random Commercial Thought:
Recycling is a sin against mankind!
the show where Carlito is here to take on Masters
which is a match I never thought I’d be seeing again
on Raw. Masters comes out with his honorary chick.
Chris Masters w/ Eve vs. Carlito
Masters goes for his finisher right away but Carlito
dives to the ropes. Carlito puts on a sleeper and
forces Masters to the ground but he breaks free
Masters delivers a big slam and signals the hold
screaming “MASTERLOCK!”” like a Dragonball Z
characters. Carlito hit’s a jaw buster to block, and
elbow to block again but Masters just forces the
hold and makes him pass out for the win.
Eve makes out with Masters under a
missletoe after the match and it sets off
involuntary chest reflexes apparently. Get it?
ReFLEXes?…Yeah I got nothing. Replay of the tribute
to the troops from this past weekend before we go to
Random Commercial Thought: No one
gets out of this show alive.
Back to the show
where Miz approaches Santa to whine and bitch, but
it turns out to be IRS who wants to audit him. Also
there’s another segment with the chick and the
tiger. Johnny says he paid his but IRS says baseball
players are the biggest cheats of all and Mae Young
shows up to make out with him. GAH! Does Vince gets
his rocks off to that old bitch or something? Put on
your sunglasses everyone, it’s Sheamus time. Does he
keep buying bigger crosses?
Thought: I have to wonder who is paying for this
onslaught of shitty CG movie crap at the end of the
Back to the show where Sheamus is still
in the ring as they try to say Cena only “lost his
balance” against Sheamus and that’s why he lost.
Pretty soon we’ll be saying the table moved itself
under him too.
Champion Sheamus (LOLOLOLOL) vs. MVP (Non-title
Sheamus slams MVP down hard to
start us off and he stalks around the ring grinning.
MVP dodges a big corner charge and goes to town,
ducking wild blows. Sheamus finally lands a kick but
MVP comes back with a face buster. He goes for
Ballin’ but Sheamus stands up with his little jump
kick and finishes this squash with the Razor’s Edge
for the three.
charges the ring after the match with a microphone.
He points out that Sheamus owes him a rematch and
wants to collect on it right now. Sheamus looks
confused as if somebody forgot to hand him the
script for this part of the show and he’s actually
being asked to improvise. He decides it is better to
retreat, but then changes his mind again…and then
Random Commercial Thought:
There’s nowhere you can hide from Sheamus’ pale skin
Vince runs into Johnny in the back
and asks him about Cena’s challenge. Johnny makes
the match for next week and Vince denies that Bret
will ever host the show. Anvilicious. We’re off to
ringside for a Miz match. He’s facing….Santino
Claus. He offers us all a Merry Christmas, Merry
Hanukah and Merry Kwanza before singing some
Christmas carols and I die a little inside.
US Champion The Miz vs. Santino Marella (Non-title
Santino chooses to fight in the
outfit and Miz just tackles him and stomps the
living shit out of him. Santino gets choked out on
the ropes and Miz even steals one of Jericho’s moves
for this. Miz delivers a neck breaker and charges
Santino into the corner for some more ass kicking.
Miz misses a leap into the corner and Santino does
the splits to duck a clothesline, delivering a hip
toss. Santino goes up top and bombs a head butt.
Santino staggers up into the skull-crushing finale
for the three.
Santino’s sack of gifts before kicking it from the
ring. Looked to only have garbage in it anyway.
Because it was so funny the first time, they REPLAY
the segments of Little People’s Court again starting
from the beginning. Sigh. Elsewhere, Big Show
demands a wish from Santa now and is headed to the
Random Commercial Thought: This season,
Ted Dibiase is….a terrible actor.
Back to the
show. Big Show is in the ring demanding his gift.
He’s presented with a Rocking Christmas tune for the
intro to a Santa escorted by Bellas. Santa says that
a bow this large isn’t going to be sitting on his
lap so Big Show provides a knee for Santa to sit on
himself. Big Show says he’s been a good boy.
This…this is embarrassing. Santa asks him what he
would like and Big Show says what he really wants is
Chris Jericho back on Raw. Uh…why? Santa says Chris
Jericho is a bad boy but if it’s what he really
wants…Santa grants his wish saying Chris Jericho
will be back next week. Big Show hugs him and
Hornswoggle appears in DX gear to reveal Santa to be
none other than Jericho himself. An army of DX
midgets then appear from under the ring in response
to Jericho’s challenge. I….I hate this. I absolutely
hate this. Jericho strips down to fight them off.
Big Show even helps. Big Show side slams one and it
looks like he just murdered a
child. That was
Jericho retrieves Hornswoggle and pulls
him back into the ring until he throws off his hat
and tunes up the band in the corner. Are you kidding
me? He super kicks Jericho’s knee and Big Show is
about to choke slam him when DX arrives. DX fights
Jericho to the floor and double suplex Big Show to
send him out as well. Trips wants to squash him and
Shawn says its Christmas so they can’t. Trips says
he wants to squash him for Christmas. Squash him!
For God’s sake just kill the thing! Shawn says
Hornswoggle is starting to grow on him. Michaels
says he’s done what they wanted to qualify for
membership and asks if they can keep him so long as
he feeds him and takes him for walks. Trips says
there’s a height requirement. Trips makes him the
mascot instead of a member. I….I’m not down with
this! No! Don’t go off the air! I’m not down! I’M
Highlight of the Night:
Um…uh…it’s almost Christmas YAAAAAY!
Lowlight of the Night:
Little People’s Court. Uuuhhg.
WWE “Creative” Award:
SHEAMUS?! REALLY?!…Also, Little People’s Court?!
Send Feedback to
is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best
Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday
night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno"
(not to be confused with all those impostors out there)
Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to
assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man,
Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to
science. (which makes his current day to day life quite
uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).