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RAW RANT:
(12/20/10)
By Cameron Burge

Merry Christmas guys. I’m not taking my traditional night off this year, since Christmas is this Saturday and I’ve got nothing going on….God I’m so lonely.

Raw 12.20.10

The show opens with no theme or pyro as the Miz arrives still the WWE champion, and now poised to take on Morrison for the title soon. I’m actually quite interested in that. Miz repeatedly announces himself as still being the WWE Champion. Miz is then haunted by the Ghost of Christmas Past. No seriously. Actually it’s Alex Riley in chains and a trench coat. I think he got the Christmas Past ghost confused with the ghost of Marley. It starts with a replay of Miz beating King. Miz says that doesn’t show him the error of the ways since he beat a Hall of Famer and prevented him from ever becoming champion. Michael Cole now arrives as the Ghost of Christmas Present (“And I quoooooote….”).

He reprimands Miz for his match with Orton before recapping the events of how he tried to steal a victory. Punk says this is the greatest Raw opening of all time. Miz says the acts of a true champion are defined by whether or not they retain, nothing else. Christmas Future is a badly photoshopped Miz Girl. Miz says he IS the future (and not just the present…which is actually more likely). Miz tells us that Dickens himself couldn’t write a better story than his life, because he’s insert catchphrase here. This is immediately followed by the introduction of John Morrison.

Morrison says he is surprised that this segment was stupid even for him, but he’s happy about his success because he’s the number one contender and sometime soon they’ll get it on for the title. Morrison points out he’s beat him in the past, and the present, so he’ll be taking him out again in the future. I think he’s a little confused about the definition of the word “present.” Miz says he’s always been better before Riley picks a fight with Morrison who kicks his ass. Sheamus attacks from behind, but Morrison fights him off until Sheamus kicks his knee out and delivers a clothesline. Riley gets up in King’s face at ringside who decks him flat. The GM interrupts all this. I just noticed Cole and Punk have their Slammy awards lined up on the desk. The GM makes a match between Miz and his three ghosts with Miz, Sheamus and Riley against Morrison, Lawler, and Orton.

Orton immediately clobbers Miz from behind on the stage. We get a replay of Wade getting his beat down from Cena as Punk calls it an unusually cruel punishment.

Random Commercial Thought: There are too many Little Fockers in the world already.

Back to the show where we now have a four men announce team, oh wait, that’s Natalya. Did…Natalya just come onto King hard?

Melina vs. Alicia Fox vs. Eve Torres (Diva’s Triple Threat #1 Contender’s Match)

Alicia Fox fights off both face Divas at first and actually does a good job of it, leaving Eve rocking in the corner and slamming Melina down by her hair. Alicia tosses Eve to the floor. Melina turns the table on her at the ropes and starts a beat down. Eve comes back in after Alicia takes a bronco buster against the rope. Eve tosses Melina aside, but gets rolled up by Melina for two. Eve rolls through into two of her own while Alicia catches her with a small package for yet two more. In the corner, Melina chokes Alicia out with a head scissors but it’s countered into a power bomb. Eve breaks up the pin and kicks away at Alicia before a standing moonsault picks up a two count. Eve drags Alicia to the corner and is cut off on her climb by Melina. Eve fights her off but is cut off by her again while Melina goes for a superplex. Alicia stumbles into this and drops hangs Melina up for what looks like a Hart attack. Eve misses a cross body because Melina
counters into a roll up on Alicia for the win.
Winner: Melina

Natalya comes out to congratulate her but Melina cuts her off with a bitchslap because we need a heel I guess. The Bellas talk about their competition for the affections of Daniel Brian who feels awkward when he shows up and leads them through the back.

Random Commercial Thought: Can anyone have a literal Stroke of Genius where they have a stroke and then become smarter?

We learn Nexus is not going to show tonight because Cena destroyed Barrett at the PPV. Daniel makes his way out to the ring afterward. Punk hilariously sings Daniel Bryan’s name to Flight of the Valkyries to annoy Cole.

US Champion Daniel Bryan w/ The Bellas vs. William Regal (Non-Title Match)

Story here is that Regal helped train Bryan and knows him inside and out. They work some quick chain wrestling, but Regal blocks a take down attempt and wags his finger. Regal takes down Bryan into an arm lock, but Bryan rolls through it and eventually escapes with a dropkick. Regal recovers in the corner and Punk hilariously tells King that he can’t wait until he stops talking over this match about fucking Cena. Regal delivers some kicks to the spine, but Bryan comes back with kicks of his own and kicks Regal repeatedly in the corner. Regal floors him with a clothesline that picks up a two count. Regal works a headlock on Bryan who counters with a scoop slam that Regal rolls through into a series of two count covers while holding the headlock on. Regal knees Bryan in the head in the corner and runs him down with a forearm shot for two and a very gay looking pin that teabags Bryan.

Regal goes to a full nelson (Masterfull?). They start trading European uppercuts back and forth around the ring. Bryan picks up the momentum, but Regal goes low. Bryan goes for a backslide, but Regal slips free into a shot to the back. Bryan escapes the regal Stretch before he locks it on. Regal goes for a chicken wing suplex and Bryan takes him down before struggling to finally lock in the LaBell Lock.
Winner: Bryan

Bryan calls for a round of applause for Regal before the Bellas compete in making out with him.

Random Commercial Thought: Santa could have parked closer to the Target.

Orton comes to the back to congratulate Morrison on his win before warning him that he’s coming for him if he beats Miz. Morrison says he’ll be ready. Santino is getting walked on by Tamina in the back. To each their own…Maryse says that’s excuse and joins her on Santino’s back to trade words before trainers suddenly show up and drag them off. Santino apparently died in the process. Elsewhere again, Henry is talking to Gail about how awesome it is to have fresher air without Nexus on Raw when Vickie brushes by. He says the air is not as fresh as he thought it was….you’re one to talk, Mr. Stank.

Random Commercial Thought: Tis the Season to buy useless stuff that will be returned.

And we’re back.

Santino Marella (look, I spelled it right….I think?) & Tamina vs. Ted Dibiase & Maryse

Santino sells his back hurting before Tamina cracks his back into place for him. Santino starts off with an arm drag and celebrates, turning into a clothesline from Dibiase who chokes him out on the ground. Dibaise delivers some knee drops and a reverse elbow. Santino kicks out of a cover at two and bombs a big right hand, allowing a dropkick from Dibiase for two. Dibiase goes to his ever so vicious headlock. Santino escapes into his splits followed by the hiptoss and the running head butt. Santino fires up the cobra, but Maryse tags in behind him. He argues with his hand about attacking Maryse before she turns it into himself. Tamina then flat out super kicks her in the fucking face and delivers the Superfly splash. Santino distracts Dibiase by missing a cobra and falling to the floor, allowing the splash to connect for the three.
Winners: Santino & Tamina

Santino hurts his back again and Tamina has to carry him off while he trumpet celebrates. Cena is getting flowers form some random joker in the back so he passes them off to some nerdy chick.

Random Commercial Thought: Hand models live a life of no regret and lots of lotion.


Back to the show where Cena hit’s the ring to a rather large pop. The return celebration takes it forever. He shares a hug with a guy at ringside wearing an “I hate Cena” shirt because he’s just happy to have Nexus gone, or so he says. Tomorrow that man might choke to death, foaming from the mouth in the bathroom. He sings. At least it’s that song they sing in Peewee’s Big Adventure. He replays himself beating on Wade with chairs and other weapons. He replays it from other angles and in slow motion. Eventually, Vickie interrupts things. She tries to say something, but John says he can’t hear her over all the hate. I guess he would be able to judge that.

Every time Vickie tries to speak, the crowd drowns her out completely with boos. Cena keeps laughing and eventually tries to quiet the crowd down as this goes on for a while and does get kind of funny. I think Cena is just happy to not be the person getting booed off stage. She points out Dolph is still champion despite a Triple Threat as she shouts over the crowd. Cena repeats what she was saying so we can actually hear, introducing the clip of Vickie and King from last week giving an award. She says she came for an apology from King and Ziggler will kick his ass if he doesn’t. King and Cena exchange fat Vickie jokes. Cena earns himself a slap in the face eventually so Cole quotes an interrupting GM.

The GM says Dolph should prove he can beat people up by taking on Cena tonight, right now.

Random Commercial Thought: Most coups would ask if they could have some of that before arresting you.

Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. John Cena (Non-Title Match)

The announcers argue about how biased they all are, dressing up like Christmas characters. Ziggler is on the offensive, but Cena stops him short with a bulldog out of the corner for a quick two count. The Cena chants build up pretty big with some Cena Sucks opposition. Cena misses a corner charge and knocks himself out as Ziggler pounces for some stomps and punches. Cena manages a suplex come back and picks up another two count. Cena eats a kick to the jaw out of a back body drop attempt, allowing a two count for Dolph. Cena really seems to be phoning this match in from Florida as Dolph is really getting into it. Cena powers out of a headlock into the FU, but Dolph counters into a face buster for two.

Random Commercial Thought: Sure, why not two commercials during one match.

We return to the middle of a brawl between them as Cena stops Ziggler with a side slam. They crawl up…and clothesline each other back down. So far this segment has been 90% rolling around in pain. Dolph picks up a two count on Cena and signals something big! It’s…a dropkick. It gets two. He fires up again, it’s something huge, I can tell….dropkick. Cena dodges this one and goes into his usual offense. Five Knuckle Shuffle hits as Punk screams at Dolph to move. Ziggler escapes the FU into a sleeper, but Cena tosses him off and trips him up for the STF. Vickie distracts the ref as Dolph taps out. Cena releases the hold for a celebration and realizes the ref is distracted. Dolph hit’s the “Zig Zag” which is his Rockerdropper/Fameasser move, but it only gets two of course. Dolph exposes the turnbuckle and points out the proble to the ref who gets distracted with it for him to grab his belt. Cena just ducks it and delivers an FU, making that
segment kind of pointless.
Winner: Cena

Punk promptly charges the ring and decks Cena with a chair before leaving for the back. Huh. I’m gonna miss Punk on the microphone now I guess. Cena no sells it and just scowls at Punk after getting back up. We’ll also be losing King on the microphone which fills me with dread of Michael Cole going this solo for the main event. This is why you never fuck with a man’s diet soda.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate that Coming Home song.

Josh interviewed Punk on his way to his car during the break. Punk says Cena only understand aggression and he just gave him a taste of his own medicine before heading out. King is suiting up in the back when King Sheamus shows up with his new gold crown. I preferred the wooden one. Sheamus says there is room for only one king here. Lawler points out he’s been the King since 1974 before Sheamus gets in a good one with “The King is dead…long live the King.” Dolph gets bitched out by Vickie before Dolph says he’s challenging Cena to a match tomorrow night on Smackdown before she makes it a handicap match and inserts herself into it. This leaves him with a completely confused look on his face.

Miz and Riley makes their way out as we make our way back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Enough already.

We come back to a segment o clips from Miz on Jimmy Fallon’s show that goes on for way too long. As we finally return from that, the rest of the teams finish entering.

WWE Champion The Miz & Alex Riley & King Sheamus vs. John Morrison & Randy Orton & Jerry the King Lawler

Orton starts the match off as Miz trades out with a tag to Riley. Riley gets annihilated by Orton and Morrison makes the tag. Morrison beats him up in the corner before tagging out to King who delivers a fist drop. Riley fights back and forces King to the corner for Miz to make the tag. King fights out by getting a headlock on Miz and dragging him to the face corner. Orton chases Miz around to the floor and through the ring where Sheamus gets the tag as Miz and Riley take a walk…and we go back to fucking commercials. This does not count as a Christmas gift, WWE.

Random Commercial Thought: Syfy, because poor literacy is kewl.

Back to the show where King is fighting free of a headlock by Sheamus. He dodges a shoulder charge in the corner, leaving Sheamus to hit his shoulder on the ring post. Morrison makes the hot tag and delivers the side drop kick, still favoring his bad knee. My God…someone is selling something. Sheamus eats a flash kick out of the corner from Morrison. Riley has to be taken care of, blocking Starship Pain. Morrison goes for it anyway and Sheamus trips his knee out. Miz makes the tag and immediately goes after the knee. Sheamus tags back in after some stomping and goes for a leg lock. Morrison counters into a head scissor that he spins Sheamus out of.

Riley gets the tag and blocks a tag for Morrison, working the leg some more. He drags Morrison to the heel corner for Miz to return and work the leg over some more. Morrison actually kicks him over the ropes with his good leg when Miz goes to leap onto his knee for a third time in a row, but Miz manages to block the tag attempt again. Sheamus tags in and hammers away on Morrison’s chest, grabbing a two count. Morrison fights free of another leg hold, kicking Sheamus with his good head. Sheamus stops him short with an elbow drop. Sheamus works a camel clutch and stomps Morrison flat. I’m actually impressed with the level of in ring psychology going on. I’m sure it will be ignored later.

Sheamus puts on a half Boston crab and King distracts the ref for Orton to kick Sheamus down from behind. Sheamus still prevents a tag though and knocks King from the apron. Sheamus eats a kick to the head from Morrison who makes the tag to Orton. Orton comes in with Miz and runs him over, hitting the power slam and Angle Slam, leading into the suspended DDT for a two count when Sheamus breaks it up. Morrison takes Sheamus to the floor with a sloppy cross body. Orton powers up for an RKO, but gives it to Riley. King blind tags in when Miz shoves him to the corner, allowing a punch combo on Miz. Miz counters into the Skull-crushing Finale, but Orton interrupts it into the RKO, allowing a pin for King.
Winners: King, Morrison & Orton

The GM responds to this with a message.. I still cant tell who that is on the microphone with Cole. Is it Stryker? Whatever. The GM reminds us Smackdown is on USA tomorrow night, live and that Raw will be represented in Cena’s handicap match. The GM is adding a Miz/Orton match to that card. Miz attacks Orton who goes for a power bomb, but is blocked by Riley so Miz makes his escape.

Highlight of the Night: Definitely the Bryan/Regal match. Incredibly entertaining and reminds you what wrestling used to be about.

Lowlight of the Night: All the damn commercials.

WWE “Creative” Award: A positive version of this goes to the Ghosts of Christmas segment, very fun.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).