Merry Christmas guys. I’m
not taking my traditional night off this year, since
Christmas is this Saturday and I’ve got nothing
going on….God I’m so lonely.
opens with no theme or pyro as the Miz arrives still
the WWE champion, and now poised to take on Morrison
for the title soon. I’m actually quite interested in
that. Miz repeatedly announces himself as still
being the WWE Champion. Miz is then haunted by the
Ghost of Christmas Past. No seriously. Actually it’s
Alex Riley in chains and a trench coat. I think he
got the Christmas Past ghost confused with the ghost
of Marley. It starts with a replay of Miz beating
King. Miz says that doesn’t show him the error of
the ways since he beat a Hall of Famer and prevented
him from ever becoming champion. Michael Cole now
arrives as the Ghost of Christmas Present (“And I
He reprimands Miz for his
match with Orton before recapping the events of how
he tried to steal a victory. Punk says this is the
greatest Raw opening of all time. Miz says the acts
of a true champion are defined by whether or not
they retain, nothing else. Christmas Future is a
badly photoshopped Miz Girl. Miz says he IS the
future (and not just the present…which is actually
more likely). Miz tells us that Dickens himself
couldn’t write a better story than his life, because
he’s insert catchphrase here. This is immediately
followed by the introduction of John Morrison.
Morrison says he is surprised that this segment was
stupid even for him, but he’s happy about his
success because he’s the number one contender and
sometime soon they’ll get it on for the title.
Morrison points out he’s beat him in the past, and
the present, so he’ll be taking him out again in the
future. I think he’s a little confused about the
definition of the word “present.” Miz says he’s
always been better before Riley picks a fight with
Morrison who kicks his ass. Sheamus attacks from
behind, but Morrison fights him off until Sheamus
kicks his knee out and delivers a clothesline. Riley
gets up in King’s face at ringside who decks him
flat. The GM interrupts all this. I just noticed
Cole and Punk have their Slammy awards lined up on
the desk. The GM makes a match between Miz and his
three ghosts with Miz, Sheamus and Riley against
Morrison, Lawler, and Orton.
immediately clobbers Miz from behind on the stage.
We get a replay of Wade getting his beat down from
Cena as Punk calls it an unusually cruel punishment.
Random Commercial Thought: There are too many Little
Fockers in the world already.
Back to the
show where we now have a four men announce team, oh
wait, that’s Natalya. Did…Natalya just come onto
Melina vs. Alicia Fox vs. Eve
Torres (Diva’s Triple Threat #1 Contender’s Match)
Alicia Fox fights off both face Divas at first and
actually does a good job of it, leaving Eve rocking
in the corner and slamming Melina down by her hair.
Alicia tosses Eve to the floor. Melina turns the
table on her at the ropes and starts a beat down.
Eve comes back in after Alicia takes a bronco buster
against the rope. Eve tosses Melina aside, but gets
rolled up by Melina for two. Eve rolls through into
two of her own while Alicia catches her with a small
package for yet two more. In the corner, Melina
chokes Alicia out with a head scissors but it’s
countered into a power bomb. Eve breaks up the pin
and kicks away at Alicia before a standing moonsault
picks up a two count. Eve drags Alicia to the corner
and is cut off on her climb by Melina. Eve fights
her off but is cut off by her again while Melina
goes for a superplex. Alicia stumbles into this and
drops hangs Melina up for what looks like a Hart
attack. Eve misses a cross body because Melina
counters into a roll up on Alicia for the win.
Natalya comes out to
congratulate her but Melina cuts her off with a
bitchslap because we need a heel I guess. The Bellas
talk about their competition for the affections of
Daniel Brian who feels awkward when he shows up and
leads them through the back.
Commercial Thought: Can anyone have a literal Stroke
of Genius where they have a stroke and then become
We learn Nexus is not going to show
tonight because Cena destroyed Barrett at the PPV.
Daniel makes his way out to the ring afterward. Punk
hilariously sings Daniel Bryan’s name to Flight of
the Valkyries to annoy Cole.
US Champion Daniel Bryan w/ The Bellas
vs. William Regal (Non-Title Match)
Story here is that Regal helped train Bryan and
knows him inside and out. They work some quick chain
wrestling, but Regal blocks a take down attempt and
wags his finger. Regal takes down Bryan into an arm
lock, but Bryan rolls through it and eventually
escapes with a dropkick. Regal recovers in the
corner and Punk hilariously tells King that he can’t
wait until he stops talking over this match about
fucking Cena. Regal delivers some kicks to the
spine, but Bryan comes back with kicks of his own
and kicks Regal repeatedly in the corner. Regal
floors him with a clothesline that picks up a two
count. Regal works a headlock on Bryan who counters
with a scoop slam that Regal rolls through into a
series of two count covers while holding the
headlock on. Regal knees Bryan in the head in the
corner and runs him down with a forearm shot for two
and a very gay looking pin that teabags Bryan.
Regal goes to a full nelson (Masterfull?). They
start trading European uppercuts back and forth
around the ring. Bryan picks up the momentum, but
Regal goes low. Bryan goes for a backslide, but
Regal slips free into a shot to the back. Bryan
escapes the regal Stretch before he locks it on.
Regal goes for a chicken wing suplex and Bryan takes
him down before struggling to finally lock in the
Bryan calls for
a round of applause for Regal before the Bellas
compete in making out with him.
Commercial Thought: Santa could have parked closer
to the Target.
Orton comes to the back to
congratulate Morrison on his win before warning him
that he’s coming for him if he beats Miz. Morrison
says he’ll be ready. Santino is getting walked on by
Tamina in the back. To each their own…Maryse says
that’s excuse and joins her on Santino’s back to
trade words before trainers suddenly show up and
drag them off. Santino apparently died in the
process. Elsewhere again, Henry is talking to Gail
about how awesome it is to have fresher air without
Nexus on Raw when Vickie brushes by. He says the air
is not as fresh as he thought it was….you’re one to
talk, Mr. Stank.
Random Commercial Thought:
Tis the Season to buy useless stuff that will be
And we’re back.
Santino Marella (look, I spelled it right….I think?)
& Tamina vs. Ted Dibiase & Maryse
Santino sells his back hurting before Tamina cracks
his back into place for him. Santino starts off with
an arm drag and celebrates, turning into a
clothesline from Dibiase who chokes him out on the
ground. Dibaise delivers some knee drops and a
reverse elbow. Santino kicks out of a cover at two
and bombs a big right hand, allowing a dropkick from
Dibiase for two. Dibiase goes to his ever so vicious
headlock. Santino escapes into his splits followed
by the hiptoss and the running head butt. Santino
fires up the cobra, but Maryse tags in behind him.
He argues with his hand about attacking Maryse
before she turns it into himself. Tamina then flat
out super kicks her in the fucking face and delivers
the Superfly splash. Santino distracts Dibiase by
missing a cobra and falling to the floor, allowing
the splash to connect for the three.
Santino & Tamina
Santino hurts his back again
and Tamina has to carry him off while he trumpet
celebrates. Cena is getting flowers form some random
joker in the back so he passes them off to some
Random Commercial Thought: Hand
models live a life of no regret and lots of lotion.
Back to the show where Cena hit’s the ring to a
rather large pop. The return celebration takes it
forever. He shares a hug with a guy at ringside
wearing an “I hate Cena” shirt because he’s just
happy to have Nexus gone, or so he says. Tomorrow
that man might choke to death, foaming from the
mouth in the bathroom. He sings. At least it’s that
song they sing in Peewee’s Big Adventure. He replays
himself beating on Wade with chairs and other
weapons. He replays it from other angles and in slow
motion. Eventually, Vickie interrupts things. She
tries to say something, but John says he can’t hear
her over all the hate. I guess he would be able to
Every time Vickie tries to speak,
the crowd drowns her out completely with boos. Cena
keeps laughing and eventually tries to quiet the
crowd down as this goes on for a while and does get
kind of funny. I think Cena is just happy to not be
the person getting booed off stage. She points out
Dolph is still champion despite a Triple Threat as
she shouts over the crowd. Cena repeats what she was
saying so we can actually hear, introducing the clip
of Vickie and King from last week giving an award.
She says she came for an apology from King and
Ziggler will kick his ass if he doesn’t. King and
Cena exchange fat Vickie jokes. Cena earns himself a
slap in the face eventually so Cole quotes an
The GM says Dolph should
prove he can beat people up by taking on Cena
tonight, right now.
Thought: Most coups would ask if they could have
some of that before arresting you.
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie
Guerrero vs. John Cena (Non-Title Match)
The announcers argue about how biased they all are,
dressing up like Christmas characters. Ziggler is on
the offensive, but Cena stops him short with a
bulldog out of the corner for a quick two count. The
Cena chants build up pretty big with some Cena Sucks
opposition. Cena misses a corner charge and knocks
himself out as Ziggler pounces for some stomps and
punches. Cena manages a suplex come back and picks
up another two count. Cena eats a kick to the jaw
out of a back body drop attempt, allowing a two
count for Dolph. Cena really seems to be phoning
this match in from Florida as Dolph is really
getting into it. Cena powers out of a headlock into
the FU, but Dolph counters into a face buster for
Random Commercial Thought: Sure, why not
two commercials during one match.
to the middle of a brawl between them as Cena stops
Ziggler with a side slam. They crawl up…and
clothesline each other back down. So far this
segment has been 90% rolling around in pain. Dolph
picks up a two count on Cena and signals something
big! It’s…a dropkick. It gets two. He fires up
again, it’s something huge, I can tell….dropkick.
Cena dodges this one and goes into his usual
offense. Five Knuckle Shuffle hits as Punk screams
at Dolph to move. Ziggler escapes the FU into a
sleeper, but Cena tosses him off and trips him up
for the STF. Vickie distracts the ref as Dolph taps
out. Cena releases the hold for a celebration and
realizes the ref is distracted. Dolph hit’s the “Zig
Zag” which is his Rockerdropper/Fameasser move, but
it only gets two of course. Dolph exposes the
turnbuckle and points out the proble to the ref who
gets distracted with it for him to grab his belt.
Cena just ducks it and delivers an FU, making that
segment kind of pointless.
Punk promptly charges the ring and decks Cena with a
chair before leaving for the back. Huh. I’m gonna
miss Punk on the microphone now I guess. Cena no
sells it and just scowls at Punk after getting back
up. We’ll also be losing King on the microphone
which fills me with dread of Michael Cole going this
solo for the main event. This is why you never fuck
with a man’s diet soda.
Thought: I hate that Coming Home song.
interviewed Punk on his way to his car during the
break. Punk says Cena only understand aggression and
he just gave him a taste of his own medicine before
heading out. King is suiting up in the back when
King Sheamus shows up with his new gold crown. I
preferred the wooden one. Sheamus says there is room
for only one king here. Lawler points out he’s been
the King since 1974 before Sheamus gets in a good
one with “The King is dead…long live the King.”
Dolph gets bitched out by Vickie before Dolph says
he’s challenging Cena to a match tomorrow night on
Smackdown before she makes it a handicap match and
inserts herself into it. This leaves him with a
completely confused look on his face.
Riley makes their way out as we make our way back to
Random Commercial Thought:
We come back to a segment o
clips from Miz on Jimmy Fallon’s show that goes on
for way too long. As we finally return from that,
the rest of the teams finish entering.
WWE Champion The Miz & Alex Riley & King Sheamus vs.
John Morrison & Randy Orton & Jerry the King Lawler
Orton starts the match off as Miz trades out with a
tag to Riley. Riley gets annihilated by Orton and
Morrison makes the tag. Morrison beats him up in the
corner before tagging out to King who delivers a
fist drop. Riley fights back and forces King to the
corner for Miz to make the tag. King fights out by
getting a headlock on Miz and dragging him to the
face corner. Orton chases Miz around to the floor
and through the ring where Sheamus gets the tag as
Miz and Riley take a walk…and we go back to fucking
commercials. This does not count as a Christmas
Random Commercial Thought: Syfy,
because poor literacy is kewl.
Back to the
show where King is fighting free of a headlock by
Sheamus. He dodges a shoulder charge in the corner,
leaving Sheamus to hit his shoulder on the ring
post. Morrison makes the hot tag and delivers the
side drop kick, still favoring his bad knee. My
God…someone is selling something. Sheamus eats a
flash kick out of the corner from Morrison. Riley
has to be taken care of, blocking Starship Pain.
Morrison goes for it anyway and Sheamus trips his
knee out. Miz makes the tag and immediately goes
after the knee. Sheamus tags back in after some
stomping and goes for a leg lock. Morrison counters
into a head scissor that he spins Sheamus out of.
Riley gets the tag and blocks a tag for Morrison,
working the leg some more. He drags Morrison to the
heel corner for Miz to return and work the leg over
some more. Morrison actually kicks him over the
ropes with his good leg when Miz goes to leap onto
his knee for a third time in a row, but Miz manages
to block the tag attempt again. Sheamus tags in and
hammers away on Morrison’s chest, grabbing a two
count. Morrison fights free of another leg hold,
kicking Sheamus with his good head. Sheamus stops
him short with an elbow drop. Sheamus works a camel
clutch and stomps Morrison flat. I’m actually
impressed with the level of in ring psychology going
on. I’m sure it will be ignored later.
Sheamus puts on a half Boston crab and King
distracts the ref for Orton to kick Sheamus down
from behind. Sheamus still prevents a tag though and
knocks King from the apron. Sheamus eats a kick to
the head from Morrison who makes the tag to Orton.
Orton comes in with Miz and runs him over, hitting
the power slam and Angle Slam, leading into the
suspended DDT for a two count when Sheamus breaks it
up. Morrison takes Sheamus to the floor with a
sloppy cross body. Orton powers up for an RKO, but
gives it to Riley. King blind tags in when Miz
shoves him to the corner, allowing a punch combo on
Miz. Miz counters into the Skull-crushing Finale,
but Orton interrupts it into the RKO, allowing a pin
Winners: King, Morrison & Orton
The GM responds to this with a message.. I still
cant tell who that is on the microphone with Cole.
Is it Stryker? Whatever. The GM reminds us Smackdown
is on USA tomorrow night, live and that Raw will be
represented in Cena’s handicap match. The GM is
adding a Miz/Orton match to that card. Miz attacks
Orton who goes for a power bomb, but is blocked by
Riley so Miz makes his escape.
Highlight of the Night: Definitely the
Bryan/Regal match. Incredibly entertaining and
reminds you what wrestling used to be about.
Lowlight of the Night: All the damn
“Creative” Award: A positive version of this
goes to the Ghosts of Christmas segment, very fun.