I’m sorry, you may want to
turn back now, there is much rage ahead. WHY?! WHY
THE FUCK?! Why in the blue hell would you want
Sheamus to be champion for any reason? I don’t care
if it’s to get Orton out of his shackled story line
of not being able to challenge for the title when
he’s the only top heel on the show. This is nothing
but simply horrifying and makes me wish we were
watching ECW. That’s right, the horrifying pasty
visage of Sheamus as champion has made me long for
the masterpiece that is ECW.
hour show tonight. I’ll probably be glossing over a
lot of awards stuff though so I don’t predict a
significantly longer rant. We open with a video
package about the awards before going to theme and
pyro. We immediately learn that rather be determined
by vote or anything, the top four superstars will
compete for the Slammy Award for Superstar of the
Year, those being Orton, Taker, Cena and CM Punk.
Dennis Miller then makes his way to the ring. Miller
seems to be confused about whether he is doing a
Roast or an Awards show. His jokes are so relevant
too involving characters who haven’t been in office
for years or been on Raw in just as long. The
Audience sounds like it just got cancer. He also
can’t remember if it is WWF or WWE.
and Jillian Hall’s boobs are here to present an
award. Their exchange is as entertaining as- oh look
a butterfly! They are giving away Tag Team of the
Year, and amazingly, it wasn’t Jillian’s breasts.
Turns out to be Jeri-Show as they were called.
Jericho and Show talk about their dominance and then
challenge DX to a rematch for the belts tonight. The
Announce table looks positively crowded. The shots
of Sheamus with the belt gets the only reaction so
far tonight with the crowd voicing absolute disgust.
I’m not sure if it was over his skin that looks like
curdled milk or the fact he’s holding a major title.
Random Commercial Thought: All of the action in
Inglorious Basterds can be seen in the previews.
Back to the show where they want you to vote for
Diva of the year. Regal’s Roundtable is in the ring.
We get a replay of Ezekiel and Vlad having their
little tiff. Regal says he is pleased to announce
they are all back on the same page. Regal has
challenged Christian to find two partners to face
them, so he probably picked up Hornswoggle and
Mini-me. Christian limps out and Regal says
Christian needs to stop gimping and had no hope of
finding anyone who can match his monsters. Oh yeah?
I choose you, Pikachu! Christian has picked two guys
with personal differences who want to put those
aside for one night and he’s picked up Kane and The
Great Khali. Vlad shows no emotion. HE VILL BREAK
ECW Champion Christian & The Great Khali
& Kane vs. Regal’s Roundtable
Vlad starts off beating on Khali but is just being
tossed off. He gets pissed when he’s ran down by a
boot and pops up to tag in Jackson. Jackson eats a
hard elbow and Christian tags in with a top rope
cross body for two. Christian knocks Regal off the
apron and Jackson delivers a hard side backbreaker.
Regal is in now, pounding on Christian putting him
up in the turnbuckle. Christian knocks him off and
comes off with a spinning elbow. Kane gets the tag
and crushes Regal into the corner, following up with
a side slam before going up top with the lariat for
two. Kozlov breaks up the pin and Jackson is back.
Jackson runs Kane down with a big clothesline and
Kozlov makes a blind tag, just running right into a
boot from Kane. Khali comes in and just drops him
with the brain chop for three.
Khali and Khristian (see what I did there?)
And now back to the “comedy” stylings of Dennis
Miller. So….anyone seen any good movies lately? He’s
dying out there, folks. Tiffany and Teddy Long are
presenting our next award. I love Teddy’s 70’s game
show host jacket. It’s Breakout Star of the Year. Is
Drew Mcintire the Smackdown version of Sheamus?
Winner is Sheamus of course and I want die a little
inside. Sheamus looks like he’s about to masturbate
his award. I need to go to my happy place.
Random Commercial Thought: But….Montage is one
Back to the show. We get a video
package about the Superstar of the Year nominees
before Cody Rhodes makes his way out oddly alone. He
thinks he’s going to beat Kingston apparently. That
Kofi Kingston’s a pretty cool guy. He loses to
hosses and doesn’t afraid of anything.
Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston
Rhodes goes right for the bandaged shoulder.
Kingston fights back and takes Rhodes down with a
shoulder block, hurting himself. Rhodes pulls him
down with an arm bar but Kingston escapes and sets
up the Boom Drop. The leg drop hits but before the
pin, Dibiase is in to break things up.
Bourne makes the save and Miller
reveals it will not be a tag team match and that
he’s received a slammy for the best announcement
that turns a match ending in DQ into a tag match so
Pivin and Sharpton can suck it. That’s oddly
Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne vs.
Bourne and Kingston dive
through the ropes onto Legacy as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: We
could all use a little pie.
Back to the show
where Kingston is getting his shit wrecked now after
having had his shoulder slammed into the ring post.
Dibiase is stomping his shoulder in before tagging
in Cody who does much of the shame. They trade quick
tags and work on it with shoulder lock from Dibiase.
Kofi fights out of it and delivers a back body drop
to make it to Bourne. Bourne trips Rhodes up on his
way in and delivers a flying clothesline. He sends
Dibiase to the floor and counters a press slam with
a knee press pin for two. Dibiase breaks the pin and
Bourne sends him to the floor. Rhodes attacks from
behind but he counters a kick from Bourne into
CrossRhodes for the three.
Random Commercial Thought: My cell phone can’t
conjure hot women to bump and grind in my face.
Back to the show where Vickie and Santino are the
next presenters. Someone out there hates me. Santino
shares jokes that manage to be better than Millers
before the Most Shocking Moment award is given to CM
Punk for defeating Jeff Hardy. At least it didn’t go
to Sheamus again.
Random Commercial Thought:
Back to the show. Punk is in the
ring to properly accept his award. I wish he’d
explain if the beard is the source of his new evil
powers. He’s apparently in the ring already to have
his match with Cena who comes out without a word.
CM Punk vs. John Cena
Thank God Punk isn’t wearing that Black and Pink
anymore. He starts off strong, working Cena over and
puts him to the corner for an early Pepsi One into
the bulldog for two. Punk attempts a GTS but Cena
immediately counters into a drop toe hold in order
to get the STF on. Punk almost makes the ropes but
he’s dragged back and the hold is locked on. Quick
Who the fuck is that
bitch at ring side who won’t stop screaming at the
top of her lungs? Somebody kill that bitch. They
show a chick ACTUALLY CRYING in the audience while
she cheers. Cena congratulates Sheamus. Cena gives a
speech about not giving up and stuff. It’s all
standard fair. Why doesn’t a face ever give a speech
about how their life sucks and they aren’t perfect?
Cena says he will not lose a match until he once
again becomes champion. I would say this is a bit of
a confident statement, but considering his track
record, it’s very likely. Match of the Year is up
next as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: If we could harness all the
energy that goes into crappy commercials for useless
crap, we could power the Eastern Coast for decades.
Back to the show where Miller is back. Who wears a
suit with jeans? So, he calls Triple H “The Show”
instead of “The Game” and one of our announcers is
kind enough to correct him. Trips is apparently TOO
AMAZINGLY AWESOME to have anyone deliver an award
with him. He thanks Dennis “Millbourne” for the
great intro. Michaels and Taker win Match of the
Year and Trips notes that he hade to follow that
match and he didn’t stand a chance. Shawn recounts
his award from last year before challenging Taker to
a rematch at this year’s Wrestlemania. No complaints
from me, as I have to agree with this award 100%.
Random Commercial Thought: Some lizards eat fish.
Back to the show where Taker is out to his slightly
not as long as usual entrance. He chose not to use
his Take Texas Ranger outfit and instead went for a
ministry style one. Orton is going to be his
World Heavyweight Champion The
Undertaker vs. Randy Orton
put in an immediate headlock but he pushes out and
clotheslines Orton. Taker wrenches the arm and goes
up for Old School but Orton counters with an arm
drag which puts him on the levels of skill with
Vladimir Kozlov. Taker powers back and gets some
snake eyes into a big boot for the two count. He
signals a choke slam as Orton stumble sup but Orton
counters with a kick and clotheslines Taker to the
floor. Taker land son his feet and drags Orton out
for some shots. Taker hit’s a leg drop with Orton
hanging off the edge of the apron as our announcers
ask Cole if he’s going to use “vintage” twice in one
match. He says he tries not to. Taker has to chase
off Legacy as they arrive and he walks back into an
RKO from Orton. Orton then crawls into the ring for
the win at ten.
So later we
get Orton against Cena….again? Legacy proceed to
stomp Taker down but he just sits up and throws them
both out of the ring before chokeslamming Orton.
That will teach young superstars to try and get
Random Commercial Thought: I
spelled-checked papers. If you have ever read this
Rant, you should probably be afraid for this person.
Back to the show where Miller seems to have given up
hope in life. Vince is out to deliver the award for
Best Guest Host. Vince calls the audience lousy for
being dead as fuck all night. I think it might be
that you MADE SHEAMUS CHAMPION YOU FUCKING DICK. He
does a Carnak joke that no one will get before we
get a pre-recorded video of Bob Barker with his
Slammy. Vince asks Miller for a guest host idea.
Miller asks for Bret Hart. Vince says he wouldn’t be
interested and Miller asks the audience if they are
interested. Vince just leaves.
Commercial Thought: Charity message - Donate to Toys
for tots. Make a kid’s Christmas.
I think if
King has to force one more chuckle he might cough up
a lung. In the back, Jericho approaches Miller who
tells him he’s a black hole of charisma, sucking the
life out of the show and his whiny attitude has no
place in things whatsoever. Sending Jericho on his
way, DX are out who have even more junk to carry
with the two belts and all the glow sticks and water
bottle. Jericho and Show wave their Slammy Awards
around to show off some gold as well. We also learn
the SUPER IMPORTANT news that DX has a mandatory
court appearance from Hornswoggle next week.
Unified Tag Team Champions
DeGeneration X vs. Jeri-Show (Tag Team Title Match)
Jericho is looking like shirt with bandages
everywhere. He also starts us off with Trips. Shawn
kneels down behind the ref and Trips shoves him
over. The ref Dqs them.
Shawn sarcastically berates Trips, asking why he did
that. Trips says he’s sorry he cost them the match
and the winner’s prize money. Wait, I haven’t heard
that concept since the WCW days. Trips says he’s
also sorry that he cost Jericho is one rematch
clause and that now Jericho is no longer supposed to
be here, it would be great if a bunch of superstars
who hated Jericho would come and eliminate him for
good. What happened Show? A bunch of guys show up in
DX gear to eliminate Jericho. I love how one is
Hurricane and he has a camo cape. Jericho starts
yelling at all the guys at ringside and eats Sweet
Chin Music. The crowd sings goodbye to Jericho on
his way out. I miss Hurricane, I want him back.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m made of win.
Back to the show where Carlito talks to Chris
Masters’ pecs flexing to the rhythm of his speech.
Jeff Hardy wins Extreme Moment of the Year. Matt
accepts it for him but Carlito wants to know why
he’s doing it. Carlito knocks him out of the way and
accepts the award instead until he’s put into The
MASTERfull Nelson and tossed into a punch from
Hardy. Uh, weird.
Random Commercial Thought:
Union Jack-Knife is the most awesome name ever.
Back to the show where your dreams for the future
will be mercilessly crushed without prejudice. Or
with lots of prejudice. Oh look a Marine trailer.
Sucks to be me. I should have been in Avenue Q.
Seriously though, isn’t it harder to sell a movie
when you have a heel staring in it? And now a
six-man tag. Some mixed talent here, actually has
the potential to be good, except for Mark Henry. Why
is Zack Ryder only wearing half of a pair of pants?
So is Morrison suddenly a face because he started
wearing a shirt?
US Champion The Miz & Zack Ryder &
Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. John
Morrison & Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry
Miz starts things off with Henry who bench presses
him before letting Miz drop. Henry works the arm
over and tags in Morrison who keeps the pressure on.
Morrison hit’s a standing shooting star press for
two. Miz knocks Morrison down with a hard right and
McIntyre is in. Morrison tackles Drew and they start
brawling until Morrison drags him to his corner only
to miss a running kick. McIntyre makes the tag to
Ryder who demands Tatsu. Yoshi tags in and eats
Ryder, turning him into an egg. Oh wait. Tatsu has
some impressive movement until Ryder taunts him so
he knocks Ryder out with a huge kick for three.
Winners: Henry, Tatsu and Morrison
Commercial Thought: I’d hit it.
Back to the
show. The divas are out in nice dresses and I’m
incredibly entertained. It’s Seven against Seven in
these dresses. Apparently they are being forced to
wrestle in these outfits but are dressed to win the
Slammy or something. I like how the heels all wore
black but two. Rosa starts off with Mickie to
immediately end this non-match actually as she eats
a big DDT for the loss and the heels run for their
lives. Goldust (He still has a job?) arrives with
MVP now to announce the Diva of the Year. I hear a
lot of chanting for Santina Morella. Maria ends up
winning it. I’d still have voted for Melina myself
but whatever. The crowd seems to have cared as much
if you said that the winner was Godzilla. Batista
goes on to show up and interrupt her like Kanye,
demanding he should have been up for Superstar of
Well, that was highly past the
prime opportunity to make that joke.
Commercial Thought: I farm people for blood and I’m
not even a vampire. I just find it fun.
to the show. Big Dick Johnson. That’s all I’m going
to say. Let’s just say that the award for OMG Moment
of the Year. Michael Cole’s vomit won. He proceeds
to dance around and freak the fuck out and hug Big
Dick Johnson. I…I don’t know what to say. Dennis
Miller bows out early though, so there is an up side
Random Commercial Thought: I forgot,
I have no soul.
Back to the show where we
have a DX Christmas special. A DX Snuggie….fuck me
in the ass. Also Hornswoggle was there. Two grown
men, wrestling around for a midget. Next week, we
have Johnny Damon with WWE Secret Santas next week.
Spoilers, none of them are the real Santa.
Random Commercial Thought: Next season- Dirty
Orton is already in the ring waiting
now as Cena makes his entrance. God DAMN that one
girl is screaming is again and it is fucking ear
piercing. She must be right next to a camera
Cena vs. Randy Orton
Cena ducks a
clothesline and starts pounding on Orton before
delivers a vertical suplex for two. Cena delivers
some hard blows in the corner. Cena puts him down
with a scoop slam and elbow drop for another two. I
had no idea he had a further moveset. Cena tries for
a bulldog and is thrown off and sent rolling to the
floor. Orton wiggles his tongue around after this in
the creepiest manner possible. On the outside, Orton
delivers an uppercut and sends Cena into the ring
post. Orton tosses Cena back in the ring, since
winning like he did last time apparently makes no
sense now. Orton picks up a two count and starts
stomping Cena down.
Orton attempts to fire up
some hatred in the crowd here and works Cena over
with more stomps. A male chant for Orton starts to
build but it’s soon squashed. Orton kicks Cena into
the corner and stomps him down until the ref drags
him off. What a nice, forgiving ref. He’s gone like
three minutes doing nothing but illegal stuff and he
doesn’t care. Big Cena chant drowns out another
chant for Orton. Cena hit’s a spinning bulldog which
was kind of cool as he goes up top and lands the
guillotine leg drop for two. Orton counters an Irish
Whip into the inverted back breaker for two of his
own. Orton starts delivering some blows to a wasted
looking Cena. Cena dives under a punch into a school
boy for two. Orton is up immediately with a
clothesline for two of his own.
back now with the general offense and Orton comes
back just as strong. They start to counter each
others finishers over and over, the RKO countered to
sTF, countered to another RKO, until Cena nails an
FU. He looks to have Orton covered but Orton makes
the ropes. Orton hit’s the suspended DDT to the
floor and hits his own head as well. He drags Cena
back in but he kicks out at two. Orton winds up for
the soccer kick but Cena dodges and hoists him up
for a second FU and the win.
Cena predictably wins, but it was a good match, I
can’t fault him too much here. Sheamus stares Cena
down from the aisle and taunts with the belt as the
show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was
very entertaining despite being a repeat match.
Lowlight of the Night: Women’s Match served
no purpose at all. At least have the Bellas wrestle
in those skirts.
WWE “Creative” Award: