Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

By Cameron Burge

I’m sorry, you may want to turn back now, there is much rage ahead. WHY?! WHY THE FUCK?! Why in the blue hell would you want Sheamus to be champion for any reason? I don’t care if it’s to get Orton out of his shackled story line of not being able to challenge for the title when he’s the only top heel on the show. This is nothing but simply horrifying and makes me wish we were watching ECW. That’s right, the horrifying pasty visage of Sheamus as champion has made me long for the masterpiece that is ECW.

Raw 12.14.09

Three hour show tonight. I’ll probably be glossing over a lot of awards stuff though so I don’t predict a significantly longer rant. We open with a video package about the awards before going to theme and pyro. We immediately learn that rather be determined by vote or anything, the top four superstars will compete for the Slammy Award for Superstar of the Year, those being Orton, Taker, Cena and CM Punk. Dennis Miller then makes his way to the ring. Miller seems to be confused about whether he is doing a Roast or an Awards show. His jokes are so relevant too involving characters who haven’t been in office for years or been on Raw in just as long. The Audience sounds like it just got cancer. He also can’t remember if it is WWF or WWE.

R-Truth and Jillian Hall’s boobs are here to present an award. Their exchange is as entertaining as- oh look a butterfly! They are giving away Tag Team of the Year, and amazingly, it wasn’t Jillian’s breasts. Turns out to be Jeri-Show as they were called. Jericho and Show talk about their dominance and then challenge DX to a rematch for the belts tonight. The Announce table looks positively crowded. The shots of Sheamus with the belt gets the only reaction so far tonight with the crowd voicing absolute disgust. I’m not sure if it was over his skin that looks like curdled milk or the fact he’s holding a major title.

Random Commercial Thought: All of the action in Inglorious Basterds can be seen in the previews.

Back to the show where they want you to vote for Diva of the year. Regal’s Roundtable is in the ring. We get a replay of Ezekiel and Vlad having their little tiff. Regal says he is pleased to announce they are all back on the same page. Regal has challenged Christian to find two partners to face them, so he probably picked up Hornswoggle and Mini-me. Christian limps out and Regal says Christian needs to stop gimping and had no hope of finding anyone who can match his monsters. Oh yeah? I choose you, Pikachu! Christian has picked two guys with personal differences who want to put those aside for one night and he’s picked up Kane and The Great Khali. Vlad shows no emotion. HE VILL BREAK YOU!

ECW Champion Christian & The Great Khali & Kane vs. Regal’s Roundtable

Vlad starts off beating on Khali but is just being tossed off. He gets pissed when he’s ran down by a boot and pops up to tag in Jackson. Jackson eats a hard elbow and Christian tags in with a top rope cross body for two. Christian knocks Regal off the apron and Jackson delivers a hard side backbreaker. Regal is in now, pounding on Christian putting him up in the turnbuckle. Christian knocks him off and comes off with a spinning elbow. Kane gets the tag and crushes Regal into the corner, following up with a side slam before going up top with the lariat for two. Kozlov breaks up the pin and Jackson is back.

Jackson runs Kane down with a big clothesline and Kozlov makes a blind tag, just running right into a boot from Kane. Khali comes in and just drops him with the brain chop for three.
Winners: Kane, Khali and Khristian (see what I did there?)

And now back to the “comedy” stylings of Dennis Miller. So….anyone seen any good movies lately? He’s dying out there, folks. Tiffany and Teddy Long are presenting our next award. I love Teddy’s 70’s game show host jacket. It’s Breakout Star of the Year. Is Drew Mcintire the Smackdown version of Sheamus? Winner is Sheamus of course and I want die a little inside. Sheamus looks like he’s about to masturbate his award. I need to go to my happy place.

Random Commercial Thought: But….Montage is one word….

Back to the show. We get a video package about the Superstar of the Year nominees before Cody Rhodes makes his way out oddly alone. He thinks he’s going to beat Kingston apparently. That Kofi Kingston’s a pretty cool guy. He loses to hosses and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston

Rhodes goes right for the bandaged shoulder. Kingston fights back and takes Rhodes down with a shoulder block, hurting himself. Rhodes pulls him down with an arm bar but Kingston escapes and sets up the Boom Drop. The leg drop hits but before the pin, Dibiase is in to break things up.
Winner: Kingston

Bourne makes the save and Miller reveals it will not be a tag team match and that he’s received a slammy for the best announcement that turns a match ending in DQ into a tag match so Pivin and Sharpton can suck it. That’s oddly specific.

Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne vs. Legacy

Bourne and Kingston dive through the ropes onto Legacy as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: We could all use a little pie.

Back to the show where Kingston is getting his shit wrecked now after having had his shoulder slammed into the ring post. Dibiase is stomping his shoulder in before tagging in Cody who does much of the shame. They trade quick tags and work on it with shoulder lock from Dibiase. Kofi fights out of it and delivers a back body drop to make it to Bourne. Bourne trips Rhodes up on his way in and delivers a flying clothesline. He sends Dibiase to the floor and counters a press slam with a knee press pin for two. Dibiase breaks the pin and Bourne sends him to the floor. Rhodes attacks from behind but he counters a kick from Bourne into CrossRhodes for the three.
Winners: Legacy

Random Commercial Thought: My cell phone can’t conjure hot women to bump and grind in my face.

Back to the show where Vickie and Santino are the next presenters. Someone out there hates me. Santino shares jokes that manage to be better than Millers before the Most Shocking Moment award is given to CM Punk for defeating Jeff Hardy. At least it didn’t go to Sheamus again.

Random Commercial Thought: LOL stick.

Back to the show. Punk is in the ring to properly accept his award. I wish he’d explain if the beard is the source of his new evil powers. He’s apparently in the ring already to have his match with Cena who comes out without a word.

CM Punk vs. John Cena

Thank God Punk isn’t wearing that Black and Pink anymore. He starts off strong, working Cena over and puts him to the corner for an early Pepsi One into the bulldog for two. Punk attempts a GTS but Cena immediately counters into a drop toe hold in order to get the STF on. Punk almost makes the ropes but he’s dragged back and the hold is locked on. Quick one.
Winner: Cena

Who the fuck is that bitch at ring side who won’t stop screaming at the top of her lungs? Somebody kill that bitch. They show a chick ACTUALLY CRYING in the audience while she cheers. Cena congratulates Sheamus. Cena gives a speech about not giving up and stuff. It’s all standard fair. Why doesn’t a face ever give a speech about how their life sucks and they aren’t perfect? Cena says he will not lose a match until he once again becomes champion. I would say this is a bit of a confident statement, but considering his track record, it’s very likely. Match of the Year is up next as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If we could harness all the energy that goes into crappy commercials for useless crap, we could power the Eastern Coast for decades.

Back to the show where Miller is back. Who wears a suit with jeans? So, he calls Triple H “The Show” instead of “The Game” and one of our announcers is kind enough to correct him. Trips is apparently TOO AMAZINGLY AWESOME to have anyone deliver an award with him. He thanks Dennis “Millbourne” for the great intro. Michaels and Taker win Match of the Year and Trips notes that he hade to follow that match and he didn’t stand a chance. Shawn recounts his award from last year before challenging Taker to a rematch at this year’s Wrestlemania. No complaints from me, as I have to agree with this award 100%.

Random Commercial Thought: Some lizards eat fish.

Back to the show where Taker is out to his slightly not as long as usual entrance. He chose not to use his Take Texas Ranger outfit and instead went for a ministry style one. Orton is going to be his opponent.

World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker vs. Randy Orton

Taker is put in an immediate headlock but he pushes out and clotheslines Orton. Taker wrenches the arm and goes up for Old School but Orton counters with an arm drag which puts him on the levels of skill with Vladimir Kozlov. Taker powers back and gets some snake eyes into a big boot for the two count. He signals a choke slam as Orton stumble sup but Orton counters with a kick and clotheslines Taker to the floor. Taker land son his feet and drags Orton out for some shots. Taker hit’s a leg drop with Orton hanging off the edge of the apron as our announcers ask Cole if he’s going to use “vintage” twice in one match. He says he tries not to. Taker has to chase off Legacy as they arrive and he walks back into an RKO from Orton. Orton then crawls into the ring for the win at ten.
Winner: Orton

So later we get Orton against Cena….again? Legacy proceed to stomp Taker down but he just sits up and throws them both out of the ring before chokeslamming Orton. That will teach young superstars to try and get over!

Random Commercial Thought: I spelled-checked papers. If you have ever read this Rant, you should probably be afraid for this person.

Back to the show where Miller seems to have given up hope in life. Vince is out to deliver the award for Best Guest Host. Vince calls the audience lousy for being dead as fuck all night. I think it might be that you MADE SHEAMUS CHAMPION YOU FUCKING DICK. He does a Carnak joke that no one will get before we get a pre-recorded video of Bob Barker with his Slammy. Vince asks Miller for a guest host idea. Miller asks for Bret Hart. Vince says he wouldn’t be interested and Miller asks the audience if they are interested. Vince just leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: Charity message - Donate to Toys for tots. Make a kid’s Christmas.

I think if King has to force one more chuckle he might cough up a lung. In the back, Jericho approaches Miller who tells him he’s a black hole of charisma, sucking the life out of the show and his whiny attitude has no place in things whatsoever. Sending Jericho on his way, DX are out who have even more junk to carry with the two belts and all the glow sticks and water bottle. Jericho and Show wave their Slammy Awards around to show off some gold as well. We also learn the SUPER IMPORTANT news that DX has a mandatory court appearance from Hornswoggle next week.

Unified Tag Team Champions DeGeneration X vs. Jeri-Show (Tag Team Title Match)

Jericho is looking like shirt with bandages everywhere. He also starts us off with Trips. Shawn kneels down behind the ref and Trips shoves him over. The ref Dqs them.
Winners: Jeri-show.

Shawn sarcastically berates Trips, asking why he did that. Trips says he’s sorry he cost them the match and the winner’s prize money. Wait, I haven’t heard that concept since the WCW days. Trips says he’s also sorry that he cost Jericho is one rematch clause and that now Jericho is no longer supposed to be here, it would be great if a bunch of superstars who hated Jericho would come and eliminate him for good. What happened Show? A bunch of guys show up in DX gear to eliminate Jericho. I love how one is Hurricane and he has a camo cape. Jericho starts yelling at all the guys at ringside and eats Sweet Chin Music. The crowd sings goodbye to Jericho on his way out. I miss Hurricane, I want him back.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m made of win.

Back to the show where Carlito talks to Chris Masters’ pecs flexing to the rhythm of his speech. Jeff Hardy wins Extreme Moment of the Year. Matt accepts it for him but Carlito wants to know why he’s doing it. Carlito knocks him out of the way and accepts the award instead until he’s put into The MASTERfull Nelson and tossed into a punch from Hardy. Uh, weird.

Random Commercial Thought: Union Jack-Knife is the most awesome name ever.

Back to the show where your dreams for the future will be mercilessly crushed without prejudice. Or with lots of prejudice. Oh look a Marine trailer. Sucks to be me. I should have been in Avenue Q. Seriously though, isn’t it harder to sell a movie when you have a heel staring in it? And now a six-man tag. Some mixed talent here, actually has the potential to be good, except for Mark Henry. Why is Zack Ryder only wearing half of a pair of pants? So is Morrison suddenly a face because he started wearing a shirt?

US Champion The Miz & Zack Ryder & Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison & Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry

Miz starts things off with Henry who bench presses him before letting Miz drop. Henry works the arm over and tags in Morrison who keeps the pressure on. Morrison hit’s a standing shooting star press for two. Miz knocks Morrison down with a hard right and McIntyre is in. Morrison tackles Drew and they start brawling until Morrison drags him to his corner only to miss a running kick. McIntyre makes the tag to Ryder who demands Tatsu. Yoshi tags in and eats Ryder, turning him into an egg. Oh wait. Tatsu has some impressive movement until Ryder taunts him so he knocks Ryder out with a huge kick for three.
Winners: Henry, Tatsu and Morrison

Random Commercial Thought: I’d hit it.

Back to the show. The divas are out in nice dresses and I’m incredibly entertained. It’s Seven against Seven in these dresses. Apparently they are being forced to wrestle in these outfits but are dressed to win the Slammy or something. I like how the heels all wore black but two. Rosa starts off with Mickie to immediately end this non-match actually as she eats a big DDT for the loss and the heels run for their lives. Goldust (He still has a job?) arrives with MVP now to announce the Diva of the Year. I hear a lot of chanting for Santina Morella. Maria ends up winning it. I’d still have voted for Melina myself but whatever. The crowd seems to have cared as much if you said that the winner was Godzilla. Batista goes on to show up and interrupt her like Kanye, demanding he should have been up for Superstar of the Year.

Well, that was highly past the prime opportunity to make that joke.

Random Commercial Thought: I farm people for blood and I’m not even a vampire. I just find it fun.

Back to the show. Big Dick Johnson. That’s all I’m going to say. Let’s just say that the award for OMG Moment of the Year. Michael Cole’s vomit won. He proceeds to dance around and freak the fuck out and hug Big Dick Johnson. I…I don’t know what to say. Dennis Miller bows out early though, so there is an up side to this.

Random Commercial Thought: I forgot, I have no soul.

Back to the show where we have a DX Christmas special. A DX Snuggie….fuck me in the ass. Also Hornswoggle was there. Two grown men, wrestling around for a midget. Next week, we have Johnny Damon with WWE Secret Santas next week. Spoilers, none of them are the real Santa.

Random Commercial Thought: Next season- Dirty Collar.

Orton is already in the ring waiting now as Cena makes his entrance. God DAMN that one girl is screaming is again and it is fucking ear piercing. She must be right next to a camera microphone.

John Cena vs. Randy Orton

Cena ducks a clothesline and starts pounding on Orton before delivers a vertical suplex for two. Cena delivers some hard blows in the corner. Cena puts him down with a scoop slam and elbow drop for another two. I had no idea he had a further moveset. Cena tries for a bulldog and is thrown off and sent rolling to the floor. Orton wiggles his tongue around after this in the creepiest manner possible. On the outside, Orton delivers an uppercut and sends Cena into the ring post. Orton tosses Cena back in the ring, since winning like he did last time apparently makes no sense now. Orton picks up a two count and starts stomping Cena down.

Orton attempts to fire up some hatred in the crowd here and works Cena over with more stomps. A male chant for Orton starts to build but it’s soon squashed. Orton kicks Cena into the corner and stomps him down until the ref drags him off. What a nice, forgiving ref. He’s gone like three minutes doing nothing but illegal stuff and he doesn’t care. Big Cena chant drowns out another chant for Orton. Cena hit’s a spinning bulldog which was kind of cool as he goes up top and lands the guillotine leg drop for two. Orton counters an Irish Whip into the inverted back breaker for two of his own. Orton starts delivering some blows to a wasted looking Cena. Cena dives under a punch into a school boy for two. Orton is up immediately with a clothesline for two of his own.

Cena powers back now with the general offense and Orton comes back just as strong. They start to counter each others finishers over and over, the RKO countered to sTF, countered to another RKO, until Cena nails an FU. He looks to have Orton covered but Orton makes the ropes. Orton hit’s the suspended DDT to the floor and hits his own head as well. He drags Cena back in but he kicks out at two. Orton winds up for the soccer kick but Cena dodges and hoists him up for a second FU and the win.
Winner: Cena

Cena predictably wins, but it was a good match, I can’t fault him too much here. Sheamus stares Cena down from the aisle and taunts with the belt as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was very entertaining despite being a repeat match.

Lowlight of the Night: Women’s Match served no purpose at all. At least have the Bellas wrestle in those skirts.

WWE “Creative” Award: SHEAMUS?!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).