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RAW RANT:
(12/13/10)
By Cameron Burge

It’s that time year of again. The time when we all sit down and enjoy our fake fighting, full of fake storylines, but real greased-up half-naked men rubbing against each other. What could be better than this than a fake awards show to show just how much we care? No, I’m not speaking of The Wrestling Fan’s world famous Fanny Award (Triumphantly returning soon!), but rather The Slammy Awards which are engaged in a competition with themselves to be less interesting with each subsequent year.

Raw 12.13.10

David Arquette opens the show. Well. Good night everybody. He comes out to tell us that he was one of the greatest WCW champions of all time. Kill me now. Thanks for reminding me. He introduces us to the awards and plays some highlight clips from the year of most shocking moments. Wade Barrett gets the award for the debut of Nexus when they beat down Cena. Wade says that Nexus owes all of its success to him. I’ve cut out seven minutes of filler here, by the way. While watching this, I’m also Watching the Sing Off. It’s way better right now so far. He goes to stalk off after saying he doesn’t plan to hire Cena back and the GM suddenly interrupts things. Oh. Cole is back. Punk says they really liked it when he did it, but cole ignore him.

He’s being forced to take on The Big Show. Show poses with the Slammy award in the ring before the match like it’s a title.

The Big Show vs. Wade Barrett

Wade backs off from Show right away to the corner before he even gets there. He ducks out a second time and finally decides to just take a trip to the floor entirely and wander around like a pussy. He finally comes in ans teps up to show….who kicks him right in the stomach and kicks his ass in the corner. Show puts some energy into this, so he takes a breather. I’m not joking, he needs a break after a chop. He goes for another chop and Wade gouges the eye so Show protects his eye as Wade goes after the knees. Big Show hammers on Wade after taking a beating and beats him down to the floor. He pounds on Barrett’s back and chases him through the ring at which point Wade takes a walk and grabs his award on the way out. Show gets pissed and rubs his eye a lot like he got pink eye.
Winner: Show

Don’t forget to vote for Superstar of the Year, like it matters.

Random Commercial Thought: Espresso is not that epic, Mr. Clooney.

Apparently voting is overrated and we find out the Diva of the Year Award will be earned the old fashioned way, with their fists in a Battle Royal. Kelly then arrives to give the Despicable Me Award with Tyson Kidd with his big bodyguard. Jackson Andrews is his name apparently. Tyson congratulates her on using more big words now than in her entire life and pronounced treachery properly. She tries to talk back, but she never did learn how to be anything other than tits. Punk wants to win and says “No Whammy No Whammy” and actually does win. He high fives Cole and celebrates hard. I love you punk. If only we all could be rewarded for our most epic moments of assholery. Punk says Mysterio wronged him, but right now there is someone else back stage who has wronged him and there will come a day that he gets even. He doesn’t say who it is but says we haven’t seen anything yet. Kofi Kingston interrupts things to team with Daniel Bryan. Looks like a
decent match, but first, a word from our sponsors.

Random Commercial Thought: Leather will never go out of style.

US Champion Daniel Bryan & Kofi Kingston w/ The Bellas vs. Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler & Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse & Vickie Guerrero

Dolph has Daniel grounded with a headlock as we come back to the match in progress. Maryse is slapping the mat for some reason even though her team is winning. Punk is molesting his Slammy award. Dolph delivers the Fameasser (or Rocker Dropper if you prefer) and picks up a two count before tagging out to Dibiase. Ted scores a two count and delivers some basic holds and decides that was enough effort. Dolph tags in with a great flip over head crank before letting Ted come back in again. Ted works a headlock because he saw how great it worked out for Dolph.

They double cross body and I still don’t understand how that actually works. Daniel makes the world’s slowest tag while Ted crawls around on the floor. Dolph comes in anyway because I guess Ted missed his cue. Kofi hits the Boom Drop on Ziggler and signals Trouble, knocking him cold. Dibiase fails to break up the pin somehow despite seeming to make it in time, but that’s all she wrote anyway.
Winners: Bryan and Kingston

Kingston celebrates how that ending made no sense. Dolph was not the legal man, but whatever.

Random Commercial Thought: Please don’t hump the air. Ever.

Guest Star Shining Moment of the Year. Santino and Kozlov are presenting it. The rest of this is not exactly needed to be recapped. I like how little I have to do tonight. Man kissing was seen. The winner was Pee Wee Herman who was too damn cheap to show up. Asshole! Elsewhere, we see Otunga telling Wade to hire Cena back or take a hike. Wade says he knows exactly what he is going to do.

Random Commercial Thought: I want to be a dart champion….when did Robin Williams grow a pedo mustache?.

Oh great, a Mark Henry match. Just what was missing from my life.

Mark Henry vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes

Cody runs from Henry trying to go hand up his nice coat. Henry slaps him in the back of the head and chases him to another corner for a noogy. This seems to piss Cody off who tells the ref to protect his face. He does a weak looking headlock and just gets tossed off and clotheslined. Henry rubs his palm all over Cody’s face. He probably has cancer now. I don’t think that has ever been washed. Cody freaks out and trips him, leaping off the ropes into stomps on Henry’s face. Cody goes to a chin lock on the grounded Henry that looks absolutely horrid.

Henry powers out and chucks him to the corner for a running ass crush. He goes for a body splash and misses, allowing Rhodes to do his incredibly shitty version of the flash kick or whatever it is. He comes off the ropes onto Henry with….something? And picks up the three.
Winner: Rhodes

Oh yeah. I forgot he can’t wrestler. Holy Shit Move of the year is now. King and Vickie present this award. Cena wins the award for doing an FU through the stage earlier this year. Swagger collects his ward and says Cena can come get it if he wants it. Barrett says he’s going to decide once and for all if he will hire Cena back and takes his dear sweet time in saying he won’t make his decision unless Cena comes out to face him right now. Cena takes his own sweet time in arriving.

Wade warns him to back off and not attack him or else. Nexus arrives to surround the ring as Cena prepares for war like the Celts, by stripping his clothes off. Wade officially rehires him on two conditions. The first condition is that he face Wade in a match at TLC. The second is that he agrees to take on Otunga in a match tonight. Wade says he will now show why he rehired Cena as Nexus come into the ring and beat him down. Wade grabs a chair. Wade lets Cena stagger up before crushing him with a chair.

Random Commercial Thought: If my car shot missiles, you better be knowing I’m getting a discount on my fucking chicken.

We come back to a recap of a few moments ago. David Arquette is back to pimp his theatre. What’s wrong with his voice? Sounds like he grated his vocal chords with a cheese grater. He’s presenting the Fan Reaction of the Year. Angry Miz Girl wins the award. She actually comes and receives the award. This is…surreal. Miz interrupts her acceptance speech. Miz takes her award. Miz imitates the face she made. She glares at him and stalks off as Miz celebrates his newly grabbed award. Miz says he deserves a slammy more than anyone right now. The GM interrupts his speech about Orton to say both Orton and Miz need to face former champions tonight. Miz has his match right now, against Rey Mysterio.

Rey Mysterio vs. WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley 7 David Arquette (Non-Title Match)

Rey gets powered into a corner, but escapes and leapfrogs out of a corner into a head scissors that sends Miz to the floor. Mysterio runs off the apron into a senton as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Gulliver’s Travels looks like a good one….to miss.

Miz takes a wrap around head scissors from Mysterio as we return. Miz and Rey seem to botch the body scissor to bulldog move that Mysterio does. I’m not sure how to describe what happened, but Miz blocks it, only to take it anyway, and they fall completely awkwardly and bad. Rey trips Miz up and sets him up on the ropes for a 619 attempt but Del Rio appears and distracts him. Mysterio baseball slides to the floor and gets faceplanted by Miz onto the ring apron. Back in the ring, Miz has control.

Rey is set up on the top rope, but Rey blocks him and punches him off. Rey hits a senton off the top and follows up with a cross body that picks up two. I like how Punk points out when people do not hook the leg. Miz goes for a schoolboy off of a shot to the gut, but Rey rolls through it and kicks him in the face for another two. Miz knees him in the gut, but gets another drop toe hold for the 619 setup. Rio blocks Miz at the rope by getting on the apron, but Rey ducks a shot from Miz, allowing him to hit Rio instead. Rey schoolboys for a two count. Third time is the charm with the drop toe hold…or not, Riley distracts the ref and Rio trips Rey allowing a small package by Miz for the three.
Winner: Miz

Rey chases Mysterio into the back as Miz celebrates. The GM interrupts things again to announce Orton’s match which is a handicap match against Alex Riley and David Arquette.

Random Commercial Thought: Stephen King should write for wrestling. The ring would be haunted by Cthulu.

Edge is out as we return to present the Oh Snap Moment of the Year. Edge says he needs a co-presenter that he is comfortable with and had chemistry with. Enter Christian with his arm in a sling. Christian wants Del Rio to win so he can kick his ass when he comes out, but the winner is Edge for destroying the GM computer. Edge reminds the GM is a gutless vindictive coward and says the GM is trying to get back at him by putting him in a match with Jack Swagger. Christian’s phone goes off with the e-mail tune as Christian says he received an e-mail from the Raw GM. Edge says he better be kidding and Christian says he is, because he was trying to lighten the mood. Edge leaves us with the declaration (and he quotes) that Michael Cole is a massive tool.

Sheamus is out immediately following in his awesome new ring gear. Punk has to explain the concept of a rubber match to Cole. It comes off kind of stupid.

Sheamus vs. John Morrison

Sheamus just annihilates Morrison into the corner with kicks. Morrison explodes back out into a tackle and the ref has to drag him off. They just start pounding on each other and won’t break in the punches as they push the ref out of the way. Finally the ref just calls the match.
Winner: Double DQ

The ref have to hit the ring and drag them about as the crowd shits on this and chants to let them fight. The GM finally intervenes by saying they need to resolve this issue by raising the stakes at TLC in a match for the #1 Contendership to the WWE title in a ladder match. Sheamus then immediately attacks Morrison. Sheamus then retrieves the ladder from ringside that they had setup for the TLC promotion. Morrison walks right into the ladder like a retard. Sheamus chucks Morrison over the top rope onto the ladder.

Random Commercial Thought: Hide weapons in your fro.

JTG (he still has a job?) and William Regal present us the Knucklehead moment of the year. It’s “Laycool beating Mae Young” which apparently they don’t know was the other way around, but whatever. I changed channels during their speech because I can’t stand their voices.

Random Commercial Thought: Weren’t we just here?

Back to the show for the divas. Where are you going?

Diva of the Year Battle Royal

The Diva’s Battle Royal here is pretty hard to recap. Some highlight involve Kelly trying to do a handstand head scissors to Michelle while on the apron, but Laula dropkicks her out. Beth eliminates Melina with a botched Glam Slam that hits her on the top rope instead of the floor. Layla drags Beth out after being eliminated by her and Natalya gets eliminated with a kick from behind by Michelle that scores the win for Laycool.
Winner: Michelle

After the match, the GM interrupts things to say they can celebrate all they want right now because Natalya and Beth will take on Laycool in the first ever Diva Tag Team Tables Match. If only Layla and Michelle had any athleticism to show off in such a match. Edge is walking through the back to his match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I admit that even though I am not a racing game fan, Hot Pursuit looks very slick.

We come back to a recap of Edge causing Kane to kill Paul Bearer, a second time I might add. Wasn’t he buried in concrete?

Jack Swagger vs. Edge

Swagger starts off on the offensive, powering Edge into a corner and beating him down to his knees. Edge eats some turnbuckle before being tossed into the other corner and falling flat. Swagger taunts some and thus gets some cheap shots from Edge. Swagger comes back with a wrap around gut buster that is rather impressive. Swagger works ana rm lock on Edge who punches his way free only to run into a foot. Edge escapes a running power slam into the Edge-o-matic. Edge comes back with a shoulder block and picks up two off of an arm breaker.

Swagger stops the momentum with a belly to belly for two. Swagger goes for his slingshot splash, but Edge counters with his knees. Swagger dodges and counters into the ankle lock, but Edge counters into a rollup for two. Swagger tries for the gut wrench, but Edge counters and lands the spear.
Winner: Edge

Riley is complaining to Miz that Arquette sucked in Ready to Rumble and in the ring. Miz says to relax before David shows up to say they are both awesome. Riley says Orton is dangerous and David’s delusional as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Glowing balls are always gay.

We return to WWE Moment of the Year hosted by Big Show. Someone yelled Lex Luger. Why? Just because he’s a DLC in the new game? Of course, the winner is Michaels and Taker’s match. We get a prerecorded segment of Michaels in his camper (undisclosed location) and in his hunting gear. He has a hunting show now in case you didn’t know.

Random Commercial Thought: Arby’s blows ass.

Back to the show where Orton arrives for his “handicap” match.

Randy Orton vs. David Marquette & Alex Riley w/ The Miz

Orton destroys Riley all around the ring until he runs into a dropkick. David tags in and jumps on Orton. This does nothing. He gets kicked down to the ground and Orton signals an RKO, slithering toward him. David runs to the corner and tags in Riley who misses a clothesline and takes the backbreaker. Orton stalks and does his stomps as King says he flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet and pretended he saw Ready to Rumble. That’s stupid….movies were cheaper than that back then. Orton continues to pummel Riley around the ring, who finally nails a knee to the gut. Riley stomps him down and David chokes him out from behind while Riley distracts the ref.

Orton comes in with clotheslines and the power slam which he now apparently follows up with the Angle Slam. Orton finishes it with an RKO.
Winner: Orton

Miz immediately nails him in the back of the head with the briefcase and retrieves a table. Arquette helps set the table up in the ring before they try to double suplex Orton through the table. Orton blocks and tosses Arquette into the corner. He goes to power bomb Miz, but Arquette strikes from behind. Miz rolls to the floor and Orton proceeds to kicks David in the gut and power bomb him through the table. Justice is served for WCW. Orton stares at Miz as they cart off Arquette and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Donate some money, or we’ll fucking cut you!

Back to the show where we get a recap of the TLC card. Michael Cole now presents the “…and I quote…” Line of the Year award. He wins it and says he wasn’t expecting this before puling out his award speech and thanking the Cole Miners. They play him off. Wrap it up!

Random Commercial Thought: Still digging that Sing Off.

Back to the show where Teddy Long comes out to present Superstar of the Year. The winner is John Cena. So surprised. Absolutely shocked. He declares himself to be “back” though I never felt like he left. His merchandise certainly didn’t. The acceptance speech is pointless and just amounts to him being angry at Nexus and wanting to own Wade blah blah. Otunga arrives after Cena takes to the ring. Nexus follows him out and he moves down the line up staring at them before heading to the ring. Wade steps forward with his chair and then the rest of Nexus backs off and ditches Otunga.

John Cena vs. David Otunga

Cena drags Otunga into the ring to start things off. Seven minutes into overtime already. Cena pounds on Otunga and wrenches the arm before delivering a gut wrench suplex. Cena runs Otunga down with a clothesline before beating him into the corners. Otunga dodges a corner charge and tackles Cena on the ground, beating on him. Otunga hits a pounce like maneuver with a spinning elbow. Cena immediately comes back with a drop toe hold to the STF to suddenly end it.
Winner: Cena

Cena grabs a chair and charges back to the ring to take out Otunga with a shot to the gut and some to the back. Cena drags Otunga back into the middle of the ring and signals to Barrett before crushing Otunga with one more shot and sending him to the floor.

Highlight of the Night: David Arquette finally faces JUSTICE.

Lowlight of the Night: Laycool are the most obnoxious thing in wrestling.

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever decided Michael Cole needed to come back to the announce desk this week.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).