It’s that time year of
again. The time when we all sit down and enjoy our
fake fighting, full of fake storylines, but real
greased-up half-naked men rubbing against each
other. What could be better than this than a fake
awards show to show just how much we care? No, I’m
not speaking of The Wrestling Fan’s world famous
Fanny Award (Triumphantly returning soon!), but
rather The Slammy Awards which are engaged in a
competition with themselves to be less interesting
with each subsequent year.
Arquette opens the show. Well. Good night everybody.
He comes out to tell us that he was one of the
greatest WCW champions of all time. Kill me now.
Thanks for reminding me. He introduces us to the
awards and plays some highlight clips from the year
of most shocking moments. Wade Barrett gets the
award for the debut of Nexus when they beat down
Cena. Wade says that Nexus owes all of its success
to him. I’ve cut out seven minutes of filler here,
by the way. While watching this, I’m also Watching
the Sing Off. It’s way better right now so far. He
goes to stalk off after saying he doesn’t plan to
hire Cena back and the GM suddenly interrupts
things. Oh. Cole is back. Punk says they really
liked it when he did it, but cole ignore him.
He’s being forced to take on The Big Show. Show
poses with the Slammy award in the ring before the
match like it’s a title.
The Big Show vs. Wade Barrett
Wade backs off from Show right away to the corner
before he even gets there. He ducks out a second
time and finally decides to just take a trip to the
floor entirely and wander around like a pussy. He
finally comes in ans teps up to show….who kicks him
right in the stomach and kicks his ass in the
corner. Show puts some energy into this, so he takes
a breather. I’m not joking, he needs a break after a
chop. He goes for another chop and Wade gouges the
eye so Show protects his eye as Wade goes after the
knees. Big Show hammers on Wade after taking a
beating and beats him down to the floor. He pounds
on Barrett’s back and chases him through the ring at
which point Wade takes a walk and grabs his award on
the way out. Show gets pissed and rubs his eye a lot
like he got pink eye.
forget to vote for Superstar of the Year, like it
Random Commercial Thought: Espresso
is not that epic, Mr. Clooney.
voting is overrated and we find out the Diva of the
Year Award will be earned the old fashioned way,
with their fists in a Battle Royal. Kelly then
arrives to give the Despicable Me Award with Tyson
Kidd with his big bodyguard. Jackson Andrews is his
name apparently. Tyson congratulates her on using
more big words now than in her entire life and
pronounced treachery properly. She tries to talk
back, but she never did learn how to be anything
other than tits. Punk wants to win and says “No
Whammy No Whammy” and actually does win. He high
fives Cole and celebrates hard. I love you punk. If
only we all could be rewarded for our most epic
moments of assholery. Punk says Mysterio wronged
him, but right now there is someone else back stage
who has wronged him and there will come a day that
he gets even. He doesn’t say who it is but says we
haven’t seen anything yet. Kofi Kingston interrupts
things to team with Daniel Bryan. Looks like a
decent match, but first, a word from our sponsors.
Random Commercial Thought: Leather will never go out
US Champion Daniel Bryan & Kofi Kingston
w/ The Bellas vs. Intercontinental Champion Dolph
Ziggler & Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse & Vickie Guerrero
Dolph has Daniel grounded with a headlock as we come
back to the match in progress. Maryse is slapping
the mat for some reason even though her team is
winning. Punk is molesting his Slammy award. Dolph
delivers the Fameasser (or Rocker Dropper if you
prefer) and picks up a two count before tagging out
to Dibiase. Ted scores a two count and delivers some
basic holds and decides that was enough effort.
Dolph tags in with a great flip over head crank
before letting Ted come back in again. Ted works a
headlock because he saw how great it worked out for
They double cross body and I still
don’t understand how that actually works. Daniel
makes the world’s slowest tag while Ted crawls
around on the floor. Dolph comes in anyway because I
guess Ted missed his cue. Kofi hits the Boom Drop on
Ziggler and signals Trouble, knocking him cold.
Dibiase fails to break up the pin somehow despite
seeming to make it in time, but that’s all she wrote
Winners: Bryan and Kingston
Kingston celebrates how that ending made no sense.
Dolph was not the legal man, but whatever.
Random Commercial Thought: Please don’t hump the
Guest Star Shining Moment of the
Year. Santino and Kozlov are presenting it. The rest
of this is not exactly needed to be recapped. I like
how little I have to do tonight. Man kissing was
seen. The winner was Pee Wee Herman who was too damn
cheap to show up. Asshole! Elsewhere, we see Otunga
telling Wade to hire Cena back or take a hike. Wade
says he knows exactly what he is going to do.
Random Commercial Thought: I want to be a dart
champion….when did Robin Williams grow a pedo
Oh great, a Mark Henry match. Just
what was missing from my life.
Mark Henry vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes
Cody runs from Henry trying to go hand up his nice
coat. Henry slaps him in the back of the head and
chases him to another corner for a noogy. This seems
to piss Cody off who tells the ref to protect his
face. He does a weak looking headlock and just gets
tossed off and clotheslined. Henry rubs his palm all
over Cody’s face. He probably has cancer now. I
don’t think that has ever been washed. Cody freaks
out and trips him, leaping off the ropes into stomps
on Henry’s face. Cody goes to a chin lock on the
grounded Henry that looks absolutely horrid.
Henry powers out and chucks him to the corner for a
running ass crush. He goes for a body splash and
misses, allowing Rhodes to do his incredibly shitty
version of the flash kick or whatever it is. He
comes off the ropes onto Henry with….something? And
picks up the three.
yeah. I forgot he can’t wrestler. Holy Shit Move of
the year is now. King and Vickie present this award.
Cena wins the award for doing an FU through the
stage earlier this year. Swagger collects his ward
and says Cena can come get it if he wants it.
Barrett says he’s going to decide once and for all
if he will hire Cena back and takes his dear sweet
time in saying he won’t make his decision unless
Cena comes out to face him right now. Cena takes his
own sweet time in arriving.
Wade warns him to
back off and not attack him or else. Nexus arrives
to surround the ring as Cena prepares for war like
the Celts, by stripping his clothes off. Wade
officially rehires him on two conditions. The first
condition is that he face Wade in a match at TLC.
The second is that he agrees to take on Otunga in a
match tonight. Wade says he will now show why he
rehired Cena as Nexus come into the ring and beat
him down. Wade grabs a chair. Wade lets Cena stagger
up before crushing him with a chair.
Commercial Thought: If my car shot missiles, you
better be knowing I’m getting a discount on my
We come back to a recap of a
few moments ago. David Arquette is back to pimp his
theatre. What’s wrong with his voice? Sounds like he
grated his vocal chords with a cheese grater. He’s
presenting the Fan Reaction of the Year. Angry Miz
Girl wins the award. She actually comes and receives
the award. This is…surreal. Miz interrupts her
acceptance speech. Miz takes her award. Miz imitates
the face she made. She glares at him and stalks off
as Miz celebrates his newly grabbed award. Miz says
he deserves a slammy more than anyone right now. The
GM interrupts his speech about Orton to say both
Orton and Miz need to face former champions tonight.
Miz has his match right now, against Rey Mysterio.
Rey Mysterio vs. WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex
Riley 7 David Arquette (Non-Title Match)
Rey gets powered into a corner, but escapes and
leapfrogs out of a corner into a head scissors that
sends Miz to the floor. Mysterio runs off the apron
into a senton as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Gulliver’s Travels looks like a
good one….to miss.
Miz takes a wrap around
head scissors from Mysterio as we return. Miz and
Rey seem to botch the body scissor to bulldog move
that Mysterio does. I’m not sure how to describe
what happened, but Miz blocks it, only to take it
anyway, and they fall completely awkwardly and bad.
Rey trips Miz up and sets him up on the ropes for a
619 attempt but Del Rio appears and distracts him.
Mysterio baseball slides to the floor and gets
faceplanted by Miz onto the ring apron. Back in the
ring, Miz has control.
Rey is set up on the
top rope, but Rey blocks him and punches him off.
Rey hits a senton off the top and follows up with a
cross body that picks up two. I like how Punk points
out when people do not hook the leg. Miz goes for a
schoolboy off of a shot to the gut, but Rey rolls
through it and kicks him in the face for another
two. Miz knees him in the gut, but gets another drop
toe hold for the 619 setup. Rio blocks Miz at the
rope by getting on the apron, but Rey ducks a shot
from Miz, allowing him to hit Rio instead. Rey
schoolboys for a two count. Third time is the charm
with the drop toe hold…or not, Riley distracts the
ref and Rio trips Rey allowing a small package by
Miz for the three.
Mysterio into the back as Miz celebrates. The GM
interrupts things again to announce Orton’s match
which is a handicap match against Alex Riley and
Random Commercial Thought:
Stephen King should write for wrestling. The ring
would be haunted by Cthulu.
Edge is out as we
return to present the Oh Snap Moment of the Year.
Edge says he needs a co-presenter that he is
comfortable with and had chemistry with. Enter
Christian with his arm in a sling. Christian wants
Del Rio to win so he can kick his ass when he comes
out, but the winner is Edge for destroying the GM
computer. Edge reminds the GM is a gutless
vindictive coward and says the GM is trying to get
back at him by putting him in a match with Jack
Swagger. Christian’s phone goes off with the e-mail
tune as Christian says he received an e-mail from
the Raw GM. Edge says he better be kidding and
Christian says he is, because he was trying to
lighten the mood. Edge leaves us with the
declaration (and he quotes) that Michael Cole is a
Sheamus is out immediately
following in his awesome new ring gear. Punk has to
explain the concept of a rubber match to Cole. It
comes off kind of stupid.
Sheamus vs. John Morrison
Sheamus just annihilates Morrison into the corner
with kicks. Morrison explodes back out into a tackle
and the ref has to drag him off. They just start
pounding on each other and won’t break in the
punches as they push the ref out of the way. Finally
the ref just calls the match.
Winner: Double DQ
The ref have to hit the ring and drag them about as
the crowd shits on this and chants to let them
fight. The GM finally intervenes by saying they need
to resolve this issue by raising the stakes at TLC
in a match for the #1 Contendership to the WWE title
in a ladder match. Sheamus then immediately attacks
Morrison. Sheamus then retrieves the ladder from
ringside that they had setup for the TLC promotion.
Morrison walks right into the ladder like a retard.
Sheamus chucks Morrison over the top rope onto the
Random Commercial Thought: Hide
weapons in your fro.
JTG (he still has a
job?) and William Regal present us the Knucklehead
moment of the year. It’s “Laycool beating Mae Young”
which apparently they don’t know was the other way
around, but whatever. I changed channels during
their speech because I can’t stand their voices.
Random Commercial Thought: Weren’t we just here?
Back to the show for the divas. Where are you going?
Diva of the Year Battle Royal
The Diva’s Battle Royal here is pretty hard to
recap. Some highlight involve Kelly trying to do a
handstand head scissors to Michelle while on the
apron, but Laula dropkicks her out. Beth eliminates
Melina with a botched Glam Slam that hits her on the
top rope instead of the floor. Layla drags Beth out
after being eliminated by her and Natalya gets
eliminated with a kick from behind by Michelle that
scores the win for Laycool.
After the match, the GM interrupts things to say
they can celebrate all they want right now because
Natalya and Beth will take on Laycool in the first
ever Diva Tag Team Tables Match. If only Layla and
Michelle had any athleticism to show off in such a
match. Edge is walking through the back to his match
as we go to commercial.
Thought: I admit that even though I am not a racing
game fan, Hot Pursuit looks very slick.
come back to a recap of Edge causing Kane to kill
Paul Bearer, a second time I might add. Wasn’t he
buried in concrete?
Jack Swagger vs. Edge
starts off on the offensive, powering Edge into a
corner and beating him down to his knees. Edge eats
some turnbuckle before being tossed into the other
corner and falling flat. Swagger taunts some and
thus gets some cheap shots from Edge. Swagger comes
back with a wrap around gut buster that is rather
impressive. Swagger works ana rm lock on Edge who
punches his way free only to run into a foot. Edge
escapes a running power slam into the Edge-o-matic.
Edge comes back with a shoulder block and picks up
two off of an arm breaker.
Swagger stops the
momentum with a belly to belly for two. Swagger goes
for his slingshot splash, but Edge counters with his
knees. Swagger dodges and counters into the ankle
lock, but Edge counters into a rollup for two.
Swagger tries for the gut wrench, but Edge counters
and lands the spear.
complaining to Miz that Arquette sucked in Ready to
Rumble and in the ring. Miz says to relax before
David shows up to say they are both awesome. Riley
says Orton is dangerous and David’s delusional as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Glowing balls are always gay.
We return to
WWE Moment of the Year hosted by Big Show. Someone
yelled Lex Luger. Why? Just because he’s a DLC in
the new game? Of course, the winner is Michaels and
Taker’s match. We get a prerecorded segment of
Michaels in his camper (undisclosed location) and in
his hunting gear. He has a hunting show now in case
you didn’t know.
Random Commercial Thought:
Arby’s blows ass.
Back to the show where
Orton arrives for his “handicap” match.
Randy Orton vs. David Marquette & Alex Riley w/
Orton destroys Riley all
around the ring until he runs into a dropkick. David
tags in and jumps on Orton. This does nothing. He
gets kicked down to the ground and Orton signals an
RKO, slithering toward him. David runs to the corner
and tags in Riley who misses a clothesline and takes
the backbreaker. Orton stalks and does his stomps as
King says he flushed a ten dollar bill down the
toilet and pretended he saw Ready to Rumble. That’s
stupid….movies were cheaper than that back then.
Orton continues to pummel Riley around the ring, who
finally nails a knee to the gut. Riley stomps him
down and David chokes him out from behind while
Riley distracts the ref.
Orton comes in with
clotheslines and the power slam which he now
apparently follows up with the Angle Slam. Orton
finishes it with an RKO.
immediately nails him in the back of the head with
the briefcase and retrieves a table. Arquette helps
set the table up in the ring before they try to
double suplex Orton through the table. Orton blocks
and tosses Arquette into the corner. He goes to
power bomb Miz, but Arquette strikes from behind.
Miz rolls to the floor and Orton proceeds to kicks
David in the gut and power bomb him through the
table. Justice is served for WCW. Orton stares at
Miz as they cart off Arquette and we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Donate
some money, or we’ll fucking cut you!
the show where we get a recap of the TLC card.
Michael Cole now presents the “…and I quote…” Line
of the Year award. He wins it and says he wasn’t
expecting this before puling out his award speech
and thanking the Cole Miners. They play him off.
Wrap it up!
Random Commercial Thought: Still
digging that Sing Off.
Back to the show where
Teddy Long comes out to present Superstar of the
Year. The winner is John Cena. So surprised.
Absolutely shocked. He declares himself to be “back”
though I never felt like he left. His merchandise
certainly didn’t. The acceptance speech is pointless
and just amounts to him being angry at Nexus and
wanting to own Wade blah blah. Otunga arrives after
Cena takes to the ring. Nexus follows him out and he
moves down the line up staring at them before
heading to the ring. Wade steps forward with his
chair and then the rest of Nexus backs off and
John Cena vs. David Otunga
Cena drags Otunga into the ring to start things off.
Seven minutes into overtime already. Cena pounds on
Otunga and wrenches the arm before delivering a gut
wrench suplex. Cena runs Otunga down with a
clothesline before beating him into the corners.
Otunga dodges a corner charge and tackles Cena on
the ground, beating on him. Otunga hits a pounce
like maneuver with a spinning elbow. Cena
immediately comes back with a drop toe hold to the
STF to suddenly end it.
grabs a chair and charges back to the ring to take
out Otunga with a shot to the gut and some to the
back. Cena drags Otunga back into the middle of the
ring and signals to Barrett before crushing Otunga
with one more shot and sending him to the floor.
Highlight of the Night: David Arquette
finally faces JUSTICE.
Lowlight of the Night: Laycool are the
most obnoxious thing in wrestling.
WWE “Creative” Award:
Whoever decided Michael Cole needed to come back to
the announce desk this week.