And so it begins, USA
Network’s horrible shoveling of the movie that is
Elf down our throats in some kind of pitiful attempt
to turn what is called in the film biz a “Terrible
Fucking Movie” into something on par with the likes
of A Christmas Story. In other news we have another
PPV coming up (God, it’s like we haven’t even
finished wondering where the money in our wallets
went from the last one yet) so expect much shilling
of that on tonight’s show. Tonight’s show is being
run by an NBA owner. I’m sure I’d understand his
”controversialness” if I cared much for any sports.
I kind of like Ping Pong.
I think the Raw theme
should be redone by the guys who did the English One
Piece opening. That would make my day with
amusement. After theme and pyro, we learn that Henry
will be challenging Miz tonight for the belt on top
of the DX handicap match against Jericho. Cuban
arrives through the audience like he’s the Sandman,
only even more out of shape and much more
uninteresting. I’m kind of tired of seeing these
“Insert Host Name Here” Is Raw signs. He’s going to
have a “Showdown” between Sheamus and Cena later
tonight where they can trash talk each other because
who on earth would want to watch them wrestle?
Speaking of which, here’s Cena. He’s here to take on
Carlito who stands absolutely no hope whatsoever.
Why did he even bother doing his hair today?
Apparently Cuban is going to sit in the crowd all
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Carlito
Caribbean Cool (Non-title Match)
starts off strong, sending Cena reeling with some
punches and kicks. Cena takes a rising knee and
sells it like he was hit by a pillow. Cena really
actually seems kind of lazy here in the selling.
Carlito delivers a dropkick for two after Cena
attempts an FU. Cena powers back out of a corner
with a shoulder block and sets up with the protobomb
but as he signals for the Five Knuckle Shuffle,
Sheamus appears on the entrance ramp to look all
pasty and sick. Cuban decides to confront him at the
end of the aisle while Carlito continues to be
completely dead from that one move. Cuban has
security come and bar the way for Sheamus. Back in
the ring, Carlito levels Cena with a move they
manage to not show us. Carlito tries for the Apple
Jack and Cena just lfits him up out of into the FU
Glad that match
was so intense.
Random Commercial Thought: Is
there any such thing as an exciting racing game?
Back to the show. The Slammy’s will be hosted this
year by Dennis Miller in another 3-hour event so
soon after the last long episode. Orton and Legacy
are out now. Possibly they’d like to explain why
they all took off their pants and oiled their
thighs. Orton applauds Cuban for exerting his
authority. Orton makes some predictions for the
future, including that tonight’s showdown will end
in chaos. He also goes on to predict that Cuban is
about to lift the ban on his challenges for the
title. Cuban says Orton won’t be challenging the
winner of TLC and that Orton got lucky against
Kingston last week. He says the WWE refs are more
spineless than NBA refs (they seem to suffer bouts
of unconsciousness more often anyway) and didn’t
have the guts to stop the match after the attacks.
This is despite the fact that the match hadn’t even
started yet when they happened. Cuban says in the
rematch tonight, he’ll be the referee. Rhodes says
Cuban is all
talk and will get hurt by Orton if
her crosses the line. Rhodes gets up in his face at
ringside and mocks his team for the cheap heat.
Cuban says Legacy has a match he reveals, against
Bourne and Primo. I already like this team.
Random Commercial Thought: Is John Cena really as
appropriate of a host for Psych as Mickie James’
Back to the show.
Primo Colon & Evan Bourne vs.
The match is already going and
Primo is in the ring with Rhodes, soon getting
double teamed as Dibaise tags in. Primo is dragged
around a bit before Rhodes switches right back in
and they work over his arms for a two count. More
quick tags and Primo is thrown into a dropkick from
Dibiase. Dibiase picks Primo up and knocks him back
down like one of those televangelists. Primo tries
to get to his partner as he rallies against Dibiase,
but Rhodes is in quick to block the tag with a cheap
shot to Bourne. Double team behind the ref’s back
and Primo kicks out at two. Primo knocks head with
Rhodes and the tags are made. Bourne comes in with a
huge head scissors and dropkick to Rhodes on the
apron. Dibiase is set up for Air Bourne but Dibiase
meets him up top for a superplex. Bourne pushes him
off and hit’s the flying knees for two when Rhodes
breaks it up. Primo is sent to the floor by Rhodes
but he drags Rhodes out. Bourne tries to hit a huge
Dibaise but Ted ducks and delivers Dream
Street for the three.
Cuban leans over to the announcer and says
something. Legacy is ejected from the arena. Not
often you have the announcer declare ejections like
some kind of bulletin system. Cuban starts up a Na
Na Na chant. Cole and King ramble on with some
filler and replay how Sheamus retired Jamie
Noble….nope, still don’t care.
Commercial Thought: Rockstar makes a surprisingly
few number of rhythm games.
Back to the show.
Kelly Kelly is in the ring for some reason to
announce Maryse’s match. What happened to the middle
section of Maryse’s pants?
Maryse vs. Gail Kim
It’s Little Miss
Asian vs. Mighty Whitey here as she taunts Kim and
so Kim tackles Maryse to the ground. Maryse tries to
catch Gail with a kick to the jaw, but it’s blocked
and Gail levels her with a clothesline. A Corner
charge leads to a two count for Gail who follows up
with another corner splash. Maryse comes back
with….a slap…and runs away. Maryse is grabbed by the
hair on the outside and slammed face first into the
ring apron. Gail slams her to the corner and leaps
up top only to have her legs kicked out from under
her. The ref counts three while her feet are on the
ropes and looks up RIGHT AT HER LEGS ON THE ROPES
STILL to call the match.
Maryse reminds Kelly that she needs to announce her
as the next champion and shoves her so Kelly shoves
back. Maryse proceeds to beat her ass until chased
off by Melina.
Random Commercial Thought: I
think a punishment should be put in place for people
who see shitty movies.
Back to the show for
one of those DX shill segments. You know the drill.
For some reason, Hornswoggle was inside a gift for
Shawn wearing a DX shirt with himself on it. They
inadvertently shill the shirt. Shawn compares his
translation abilities to Hans Solos. They then begin
to destroy the 4th wall by saying a script where
they discuss Star Wars is terrible. Wow. This. Isn’t
Funny. Hornswoggle steals Shawn’s Hat and turns a
tree over on them while doing crotch chops before
running away. Aren’t you glad WWE was kind enough to
eat away ten more minutes of your life with that? We
get another video package before being shepherded
back off to commercials.
Thought: THE BEES! AAAAAHGAGAHAA!
already in the ring in his ref uniform for our big
Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton
Kingston starts off strong, beating on Orton wildly
and tossing him all around the ring. Kingston goes
for a suicide dive to the floor but Orton dodges and
takes advantage. Back in the ring, Orton chokes
Kingston out on the ropes and tears into Kofi with
his incredibly varied move set. Why does Orton keep
wiping his nose, is he digging for gold up in there?
Orton stomps on Kingston some more before going to
one of his dreaded headlocks. I like how Cuban just
stands around awkwardly rather than get down and
check to on Kingston to make sure it isn’t a choke
or Kingston is submitting. The crowd rallies for
Kofi but Orton slings him away and taunts Cuban
some. Back to the headlocks.
to fights back and beats Orton into the corner, just
wailing on him. Cuban has to pull him off and Cuban
doesn’t get in his way a second time as he delivers
hordes of mounted punches and uppercuts Orton into
the corner. A Russian leg sweep sets up the Boom
Drop and Kingston signals Trouble in Paradise. Orton
ducks and catches Kofi into his inverted
backbreaker. Orton does his punching at the mat
retarded set up that makes him look like a total
fag. Kingston counters the RKO with a backslide for
three. Cuban seems to have made the fastest count
ever, begging the question of why Kofi just didn’t
pin Orton at any time.
notes that he’s waited six years for pay back for
the RKO he got from Orton back in 2003. He goes on
to make a match between Kingston and Orton at TLC.
Yet another “Celtic Warpath” video for Sheamus.
God….it’s like we’re trying so incredibly hard to
justify this title shot that not even the company
believes it makes sense.
Thought: How many white males does it take to screw
in a light bulb? Just one.
Back to the show.
Time for the title shot you’ve all been waiting
for…where are you going?
Mark Henry vs. US Champion The Miz (US
Henry starts off
overpowering Miz but Miz manages to dodge a sit from
Henry and start kicking him down for a two count.
Henry just absorbs some blows and whirls with a big
swinging blow that Miz drops on his ass to avoid.
Henry runs Miz over literally and military presses
him. Miz slips free and dropkicks Henry to the floor
in the back of the knees. Miz proceeds to slam Henry
face first into the stairs and ring post but Henry
catches him by the throat on the outside. Henry
climbs back in to recover. Miz sneaks up top behind
him and is caught but Miz counters the slam into a
swinging DDT for the three.
Very good heel wrestling here. I guess I have no
choice but to give into the Miz as a good heel, but
goddamn he looks gay in those purple shorts.
Random Commercial Thought: Those Jews really are
Back to the show. Eve and
Hornswoggle are up against Chavo and Jillian. I’m
pretty sure there is something inherently wrong in
having Hornswoggle do this, but hey, who cares if
you drag a revered wrestling name through the mud?
Hornswoggle & Eve vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jillian
Hornswoggle ducks an attacks from Chavo with a roll
to the tag to Eve as he mocks Chavo. Jillian is
forced in where she beats down Eve picking up a
quick two count. Have I mentioned I would ride Eve
like an epic World of Warcraft mount? That is the
single nerdiest dirty joke I’ve ever made. Eve comes
back with some dropkicks and picks up a two count.
Jillian tosses Eve out of a monkey flip attempt but
lands on Eve’s knees with a splash. Eve delivers a
flip over senton for the three.
Winners: Eve and
Chavo strangles Hornswoggle for a
second post match. I bet he’s demanding to know what
he did with his career. Eve tries to talk him down
and Chavo tosses Hornswoggle into a corner. Eve
steps in to protect him from further assault and
eventually Chris Masters appears to strip his shirt.
Um…why? Masterlock cants begin. What is he the new
Lex Luger? Chavo starts poking Master sin the chest
as he talks him down and Masters seems to be in awe
of his own magnificent pecks….which suddenly start
flexing. Chavo checks his own as if wishing her
could do that. Is that to show he’s angry? Because
it’s fucking weird. Chavo finally swings but Masters
puts him in the MASTERfull Nelson and then slams
Chavo down. Masters entertains Eve and Hornswoggle
with his chesticles post match. Hornswoggle then
tries to taunt Chavo with his own pecs.
Yeah, live with that mental imagery now, because I
Random Commercial Thought: I think
ITT Tech’s tuition money goes entirely to crappy
Back to the show. They run down
the card for the TLC ppv in the ring for us. Glad to
see this bit has been brought back suddenly after it
was absent last time. Jericho makes his entrance
immediately following this as we’ll be having our
Main Event before the “showdown”. Somebody went out
of their way to pass out some photocopied Jericho
Sucks signs. Jericho says it is axiomatic (fun word,
keep using it) he will win Superstar of the Year
again. He goes on to claim he’ll win all the awards
(Diva too I bet). Jericho goes on to declare he’ll
be on Raw for a long time to come as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve
always wondered who that voice is that hypes up Raw
and some of their commercials, but always been too
lazy to look it up.
Back to the show where DX
Chris Jericho vs. Degeneration X
Jericho starts off with Michaels and seems to be
doing okay until Shawn just clotheslines him and
works him into the corner. Trips is in immediately
to works him over a little before Michaels is right
back with a chop to the chest. Michaels sends
Jericho into Trips’ foot and makes the tag. Trips is
cackling madly inside I bet. More standard punching
from Trips before Michaels is once again in and
honestly it’s just quick tags and just a couple of
hits at a time. Trips works over the leg but Jericho
makes the ropes and then shoves the ref into Trips
allowing Big Show to arrive. Michaels tries to take
Big Show off the apron only to be leveled with a
head butt. Big Show pummels Michaels in the corner
until Trips nails him with a chair from behind. Big
Show turns and punches the chair into Trips’ face.
Michaels dodges a charge from Show and retrieves a
ladder only for it to be kicked into his face with a
baseball slide from Jericho. Show grabs the
ladder and clotheslines both members of DX with it.
The ref is apparently as dead as possible.
is sandwiches into the ladder which Show holds
closed while Jericho beats on them with a chair.
There’s actually a pretty decent Jericho chant for a
bit until a pretty convenient DX chant drowns them
out. Jericho sets up the ladder and goes up top with
the tag belts to taunt with Show. I guess this match
has no ending. I’m just going to go on assuming it’s
still going until I hear a bell even if it’s weeks
from now. It will be some kind of record. Cena is
shown heading toward the ring from the back as we go
Random Commercial Thought: BK
burgers taste dry as fuck, why would you wish that
Back to the show. No one seems
concerned with where Cuban’s self-righteous ass was
just a second ago, but he calmly reads his lines off
of the podium as he introduces the two competitors
for us. I’m kind of curious what they need pen and
papers for. Cuban asks Sheamus why he thinks he will
win. I would have asked him why he has the same
complexion as the vampires of Twilight. Sheamus says
what took Cena years is going to take him just
weeks. I have to admit as Sheamus goes on here, he’s
not too bad on the microphone, but his character is
so goddamned shallow and unbelievably underdeveloped
at this time it’s impossible to take him seriously.
Cena claims to have no comment on things. Cena has a
question instead though. Cena marks that 2010 will
be his seven year anniversary. I love the guy
dressed as Hogan giving him a thumbs down. Cena
mentions he’s faced everyone from Michaels to…Kevin
Federline. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to be reminded
Cena brings up his mixed past of being
hated and loved. He goes on to talk about the
general history of overcoming the odds and says
Sheamus impresses him but doesn’t intimidate him.
Sheamus tries to do so by beating up a table…so Cena
throws a chair AND beats up his table. Sheamus one
ups by owning a podium. Cuban tries to get between
them and Sheamus shoves him down before catching
Cena from behind with a sloppy kick. Sheamus sets up
a table and we are way overtime but they still feel
like replaying that segment TWICE. Cena staggers up
and gets kicked down again. Cuban is up now and
super kicks Sheamus. Just kidding, he stands up to
Sheamus and shoves him on his ass. Yeah, I’m taking
Sheamus as legit now. Sheamus gets up warily and
stares back before kneeing him in the gut and
putting Cuban through the table. The Mavericks then
run Sheamus off. Cena manages to get his Twilight
pop while staring at Sheamus down the aisle as the
show goes off the
Highlight of the Night: The Miz shows off
some classic heel style. The match might have
benefited from some length though, but
unfortunately, I’d rather not see more Mark Henry.
Lowlight of the Night: There was a
Hornswoggle match. Did you need to ask?
WWE “Creative” Award: Nobody can find
anything to do with hordes of mid-carders but
Hornswoggle manages to have multiple segments on