WWE
RAW RANT:
(12/07/09)
By Cameron Burge

And so it begins, USA Network’s horrible shoveling of the movie that is Elf down our throats in some kind of pitiful attempt to turn what is called in the film biz a “Terrible Fucking Movie” into something on par with the likes of A Christmas Story. In other news we have another PPV coming up (God, it’s like we haven’t even finished wondering where the money in our wallets went from the last one yet) so expect much shilling of that on tonight’s show. Tonight’s show is being run by an NBA owner. I’m sure I’d understand his ”controversialness” if I cared much for any sports. I kind of like Ping Pong.

Raw 12.07.09

I think the Raw theme should be redone by the guys who did the English One Piece opening. That would make my day with amusement. After theme and pyro, we learn that Henry will be challenging Miz tonight for the belt on top of the DX handicap match against Jericho. Cuban arrives through the audience like he’s the Sandman, only even more out of shape and much more uninteresting. I’m kind of tired of seeing these “Insert Host Name Here” Is Raw signs. He’s going to have a “Showdown” between Sheamus and Cena later tonight where they can trash talk each other because who on earth would want to watch them wrestle? Speaking of which, here’s Cena. He’s here to take on Carlito who stands absolutely no hope whatsoever. Why did he even bother doing his hair today? Apparently Cuban is going to sit in the crowd all night.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool (Non-title Match)

Carlito starts off strong, sending Cena reeling with some punches and kicks. Cena takes a rising knee and sells it like he was hit by a pillow. Cena really actually seems kind of lazy here in the selling. Carlito delivers a dropkick for two after Cena attempts an FU. Cena powers back out of a corner with a shoulder block and sets up with the protobomb but as he signals for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Sheamus appears on the entrance ramp to look all pasty and sick. Cuban decides to confront him at the end of the aisle while Carlito continues to be completely dead from that one move. Cuban has security come and bar the way for Sheamus. Back in the ring, Carlito levels Cena with a move they manage to not show us. Carlito tries for the Apple Jack and Cena just lfits him up out of into the FU for three.
Winner: Cena

Glad that match was so intense.

Random Commercial Thought: Is there any such thing as an exciting racing game?

Back to the show. The Slammy’s will be hosted this year by Dennis Miller in another 3-hour event so soon after the last long episode. Orton and Legacy are out now. Possibly they’d like to explain why they all took off their pants and oiled their thighs. Orton applauds Cuban for exerting his authority. Orton makes some predictions for the future, including that tonight’s showdown will end in chaos. He also goes on to predict that Cuban is about to lift the ban on his challenges for the title. Cuban says Orton won’t be challenging the winner of TLC and that Orton got lucky against Kingston last week. He says the WWE refs are more spineless than NBA refs (they seem to suffer bouts of unconsciousness more often anyway) and didn’t have the guts to stop the match after the attacks. This is despite the fact that the match hadn’t even started yet when they happened. Cuban says in the rematch tonight, he’ll be the referee. Rhodes says Cuban is all
talk and will get hurt by Orton if her crosses the line. Rhodes gets up in his face at ringside and mocks his team for the cheap heat. Cuban says Legacy has a match he reveals, against Bourne and Primo. I already like this team.

Random Commercial Thought: Is John Cena really as appropriate of a host for Psych as Mickie James’ tits were?

Back to the show.

Primo Colon & Evan Bourne vs. Legacy

The match is already going and Primo is in the ring with Rhodes, soon getting double teamed as Dibaise tags in. Primo is dragged around a bit before Rhodes switches right back in and they work over his arms for a two count. More quick tags and Primo is thrown into a dropkick from Dibiase. Dibiase picks Primo up and knocks him back down like one of those televangelists. Primo tries to get to his partner as he rallies against Dibiase, but Rhodes is in quick to block the tag with a cheap shot to Bourne. Double team behind the ref’s back and Primo kicks out at two. Primo knocks head with Rhodes and the tags are made. Bourne comes in with a huge head scissors and dropkick to Rhodes on the apron. Dibiase is set up for Air Bourne but Dibiase meets him up top for a superplex. Bourne pushes him off and hit’s the flying knees for two when Rhodes breaks it up. Primo is sent to the floor by Rhodes but he drags Rhodes out. Bourne tries to hit a huge kick on
Dibaise but Ted ducks and delivers Dream Street for the three.
Winners: Legacy

Cuban leans over to the announcer and says something. Legacy is ejected from the arena. Not often you have the announcer declare ejections like some kind of bulletin system. Cuban starts up a Na Na Na chant. Cole and King ramble on with some filler and replay how Sheamus retired Jamie Noble….nope, still don’t care.

Random Commercial Thought: Rockstar makes a surprisingly few number of rhythm games.

Back to the show. Kelly Kelly is in the ring for some reason to announce Maryse’s match. What happened to the middle section of Maryse’s pants?

Maryse vs. Gail Kim

It’s Little Miss Asian vs. Mighty Whitey here as she taunts Kim and so Kim tackles Maryse to the ground. Maryse tries to catch Gail with a kick to the jaw, but it’s blocked and Gail levels her with a clothesline. A Corner charge leads to a two count for Gail who follows up with another corner splash. Maryse comes back with….a slap…and runs away. Maryse is grabbed by the hair on the outside and slammed face first into the ring apron. Gail slams her to the corner and leaps up top only to have her legs kicked out from under her. The ref counts three while her feet are on the ropes and looks up RIGHT AT HER LEGS ON THE ROPES STILL to call the match.
Winner: Maryse

Maryse reminds Kelly that she needs to announce her as the next champion and shoves her so Kelly shoves back. Maryse proceeds to beat her ass until chased off by Melina.

Random Commercial Thought: I think a punishment should be put in place for people who see shitty movies.

Back to the show for one of those DX shill segments. You know the drill. For some reason, Hornswoggle was inside a gift for Shawn wearing a DX shirt with himself on it. They inadvertently shill the shirt. Shawn compares his translation abilities to Hans Solos. They then begin to destroy the 4th wall by saying a script where they discuss Star Wars is terrible. Wow. This. Isn’t Funny. Hornswoggle steals Shawn’s Hat and turns a tree over on them while doing crotch chops before running away. Aren’t you glad WWE was kind enough to eat away ten more minutes of your life with that? We get another video package before being shepherded back off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: THE BEES! AAAAAHGAGAHAA!

Cuban is already in the ring in his ref uniform for our big rematch.

Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton

Kingston starts off strong, beating on Orton wildly and tossing him all around the ring. Kingston goes for a suicide dive to the floor but Orton dodges and takes advantage. Back in the ring, Orton chokes Kingston out on the ropes and tears into Kofi with his incredibly varied move set. Why does Orton keep wiping his nose, is he digging for gold up in there? Orton stomps on Kingston some more before going to one of his dreaded headlocks. I like how Cuban just stands around awkwardly rather than get down and check to on Kingston to make sure it isn’t a choke or Kingston is submitting. The crowd rallies for Kofi but Orton slings him away and taunts Cuban some. Back to the headlocks.

Kingston starts to fights back and beats Orton into the corner, just wailing on him. Cuban has to pull him off and Cuban doesn’t get in his way a second time as he delivers hordes of mounted punches and uppercuts Orton into the corner. A Russian leg sweep sets up the Boom Drop and Kingston signals Trouble in Paradise. Orton ducks and catches Kofi into his inverted backbreaker. Orton does his punching at the mat retarded set up that makes him look like a total fag. Kingston counters the RKO with a backslide for three. Cuban seems to have made the fastest count ever, begging the question of why Kofi just didn’t pin Orton at any time.
Winner: Kofi

Cuban notes that he’s waited six years for pay back for the RKO he got from Orton back in 2003. He goes on to make a match between Kingston and Orton at TLC. Yet another “Celtic Warpath” video for Sheamus. God….it’s like we’re trying so incredibly hard to justify this title shot that not even the company believes it makes sense.

Random Commercial Thought: How many white males does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one.

Back to the show. Time for the title shot you’ve all been waiting for…where are you going?

Mark Henry vs. US Champion The Miz (US Championship Match)

Henry starts off overpowering Miz but Miz manages to dodge a sit from Henry and start kicking him down for a two count. Henry just absorbs some blows and whirls with a big swinging blow that Miz drops on his ass to avoid. Henry runs Miz over literally and military presses him. Miz slips free and dropkicks Henry to the floor in the back of the knees. Miz proceeds to slam Henry face first into the stairs and ring post but Henry catches him by the throat on the outside. Henry climbs back in to recover. Miz sneaks up top behind him and is caught but Miz counters the slam into a swinging DDT for the three.
Winner: Miz

Very good heel wrestling here. I guess I have no choice but to give into the Miz as a good heel, but goddamn he looks gay in those purple shorts.

Random Commercial Thought: Those Jews really are characters.

Back to the show. Eve and Hornswoggle are up against Chavo and Jillian. I’m pretty sure there is something inherently wrong in having Hornswoggle do this, but hey, who cares if you drag a revered wrestling name through the mud?

Hornswoggle & Eve vs. Chavo Guerrero & Jillian

Hornswoggle ducks an attacks from Chavo with a roll to the tag to Eve as he mocks Chavo. Jillian is forced in where she beats down Eve picking up a quick two count. Have I mentioned I would ride Eve like an epic World of Warcraft mount? That is the single nerdiest dirty joke I’ve ever made. Eve comes back with some dropkicks and picks up a two count. Jillian tosses Eve out of a monkey flip attempt but lands on Eve’s knees with a splash. Eve delivers a flip over senton for the three.
Winners: Eve and Horny

Chavo strangles Hornswoggle for a second post match. I bet he’s demanding to know what he did with his career. Eve tries to talk him down and Chavo tosses Hornswoggle into a corner. Eve steps in to protect him from further assault and eventually Chris Masters appears to strip his shirt. Um…why? Masterlock cants begin. What is he the new Lex Luger? Chavo starts poking Master sin the chest as he talks him down and Masters seems to be in awe of his own magnificent pecks….which suddenly start flexing. Chavo checks his own as if wishing her could do that. Is that to show he’s angry? Because it’s fucking weird. Chavo finally swings but Masters puts him in the MASTERfull Nelson and then slams Chavo down. Masters entertains Eve and Hornswoggle with his chesticles post match. Hornswoggle then tries to taunt Chavo with his own pecs.

Yeah, live with that mental imagery now, because I have to.

Random Commercial Thought: I think ITT Tech’s tuition money goes entirely to crappy commercials.

Back to the show. They run down the card for the TLC ppv in the ring for us. Glad to see this bit has been brought back suddenly after it was absent last time. Jericho makes his entrance immediately following this as we’ll be having our Main Event before the “showdown”. Somebody went out of their way to pass out some photocopied Jericho Sucks signs. Jericho says it is axiomatic (fun word, keep using it) he will win Superstar of the Year again. He goes on to claim he’ll win all the awards (Diva too I bet). Jericho goes on to declare he’ll be on Raw for a long time to come as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve always wondered who that voice is that hypes up Raw and some of their commercials, but always been too lazy to look it up.

Back to the show where DX arrives.

Chris Jericho vs. Degeneration X

Jericho starts off with Michaels and seems to be doing okay until Shawn just clotheslines him and works him into the corner. Trips is in immediately to works him over a little before Michaels is right back with a chop to the chest. Michaels sends Jericho into Trips’ foot and makes the tag. Trips is cackling madly inside I bet. More standard punching from Trips before Michaels is once again in and honestly it’s just quick tags and just a couple of hits at a time. Trips works over the leg but Jericho makes the ropes and then shoves the ref into Trips allowing Big Show to arrive. Michaels tries to take Big Show off the apron only to be leveled with a head butt. Big Show pummels Michaels in the corner until Trips nails him with a chair from behind. Big Show turns and punches the chair into Trips’ face. Michaels dodges a charge from Show and retrieves a ladder only for it to be kicked into his face with a baseball slide from Jericho. Show grabs the
ladder and clotheslines both members of DX with it. The ref is apparently as dead as possible.

DX is sandwiches into the ladder which Show holds closed while Jericho beats on them with a chair. There’s actually a pretty decent Jericho chant for a bit until a pretty convenient DX chant drowns them out. Jericho sets up the ladder and goes up top with the tag belts to taunt with Show. I guess this match has no ending. I’m just going to go on assuming it’s still going until I hear a bell even if it’s weeks from now. It will be some kind of record. Cena is shown heading toward the ring from the back as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: BK burgers taste dry as fuck, why would you wish that on anyone?

Back to the show. No one seems concerned with where Cuban’s self-righteous ass was just a second ago, but he calmly reads his lines off of the podium as he introduces the two competitors for us. I’m kind of curious what they need pen and papers for. Cuban asks Sheamus why he thinks he will win. I would have asked him why he has the same complexion as the vampires of Twilight. Sheamus says what took Cena years is going to take him just weeks. I have to admit as Sheamus goes on here, he’s not too bad on the microphone, but his character is so goddamned shallow and unbelievably underdeveloped at this time it’s impossible to take him seriously. Cena claims to have no comment on things. Cena has a question instead though. Cena marks that 2010 will be his seven year anniversary. I love the guy dressed as Hogan giving him a thumbs down. Cena mentions he’s faced everyone from Michaels to…Kevin Federline. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to be reminded of.

Cena brings up his mixed past of being hated and loved. He goes on to talk about the general history of overcoming the odds and says Sheamus impresses him but doesn’t intimidate him. Sheamus tries to do so by beating up a table…so Cena throws a chair AND beats up his table. Sheamus one ups by owning a podium. Cuban tries to get between them and Sheamus shoves him down before catching Cena from behind with a sloppy kick. Sheamus sets up a table and we are way overtime but they still feel like replaying that segment TWICE. Cena staggers up and gets kicked down again. Cuban is up now and super kicks Sheamus. Just kidding, he stands up to Sheamus and shoves him on his ass. Yeah, I’m taking Sheamus as legit now. Sheamus gets up warily and stares back before kneeing him in the gut and putting Cuban through the table. The Mavericks then run Sheamus off. Cena manages to get his Twilight pop while staring at Sheamus down the aisle as the show goes off the
air.

Highlight of the Night: The Miz shows off some classic heel style. The match might have benefited from some length though, but unfortunately, I’d rather not see more Mark Henry.

Lowlight of the Night: There was a Hornswoggle match. Did you need to ask?

WWE “Creative” Award: Nobody can find anything to do with hordes of mid-carders but Hornswoggle manages to have multiple segments on every show.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.