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RAW RANT:
(12/06/10)
By Cameron Burge

Last week, we saw the beginning of the rivalry no one wants to see ever in Lawler and Cole that will hopefully be forgotten and never spoken of again. Let’s get right into it.

Raw 12.06.10

The show opens with a replay of all the footage about Miz/Lawler from last week. Takes several minutes of footage to get us along. We cut from this to a shot of Punk and King at the announce table alone (huzzah!). King gets a huge chant. Punk congratulates Lawler on having the heart of a champion saying he would have won if not for Cole. King goes to respond when The Mike’s voice interrupts things. Cole says he is trying to explain his actions from last week, saying he doesn’t know why he did what he did. Perhaps he had a apse and thought he was relevant. He says it’s been a traumatic week for him because of all the hate mail he received. Far less traumatic than that time he was raped in the butt.

Cole says he will not apologize for how he feels about the Miz because he was the only supporter of Miz when he started and he’s become like a son to him. Cole says he was caught up in the moment last week. King demands an actual apology. Cole says he made a mistake and wants to know if Jerry ever made one. King says he guesses he may have to make a mistake right now and finish what he started last week now. Punk hilariously mumbles he’s not going to stop him. Cole says King is as much to blame as himself because he has to steal the spotlight and couldn’t let Miz have his moment. Cole says he doesn’t owe an apology, King owes him one. King says he’s gonna give him what he owes him then when the GM interrupts. Punk arrives to read it and does his best Cole voice.

The GM puts a ban on physicality between Lawler and Cole. The GM demands them to shake hands. After a long pause, King accepts and finally shakes hands. Cole tries to walk away afterward but is held fast. King says he agrees to no physicality but there is someone in the back who has something to say and Randy Orton arrives. Cole tries to beat a hasty retreat, but King holds him until he’s left alone with Orton. Orton says he doesn’t blame Miz, he would have done the same thing if the roles were switched. Orton says he’ll take back his title from Miz with his injured knee or not.

Miz arrives to respond to this of course. He says Orton won’t get his rematch tonight because the GM told him the match will be at the TLC PPV. Orton says the only thing that is wrong with Miz’s plan to win is that he doesn’t have seven men to beat his ass and Alex doesn’t even count as one man. Alex challenges him to a match out of some kind of suicidal tendency. Has that guy won any matches? Miz informs him that the GM allowed him to pick what match type he gets at the PPV, but he hasn’t decided yet because he wants the decision to be awesome. Also Orton RKOs the fuck out of Michael Cole. Indeed, awesome.

Random Commercial Thought: Jesus Christ, how long was that segment, like twenty minutes?

We come back to Josh Matthews who is curious as to why King and Punk are so excited at what happened, tongue in cheek. Ted Dibiase and Maryse arrive for some mixed tag action. Nikki Bella is building up courage to knock on Daniel Bryan’s door when he opens it with Brie on his arm. Nikki isn’t happy that Brie is going to be teaming with him tonight.

Brie Bella & US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Ted Dibiase & Maryse

As soon as the match starts, Nikki saunters her way out to the ring as well. Bryan and Dibiase trade holds until Bryan slips out in an innovative little leap frog maneuver. Brian uses an arm bar takedown as Punk calls him Brian Danielson and is immediately chastised by both announcers. Dibiase tosses Bryan up in the air to faceplant before tagging out to Maryse. Maryse bombs a clothesline on Brie who dropkicks her down and clotheslines for two. Maryse fights back with an awkward hair pull bulldog. She starts bitching Brie out, but misses a clothesline, allowing a rollup for Brie. Ted drags her off the cover.

Bryan jumps in to dropkick Dibiase into the corner and to the floor. The ref gets up on Daniel while Nikki switches spots with Brie. Maryse turns to get her and gets scooped into a small package for the three.
Winners: Daniel & Brie (Sort of)

Dibaise and Maryse share words. Maryse throws up her hand and ditches him.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m not sure I can survive the Slammys again. It’s painful!

Back to the show where we get a video recap of the Cena beatdowns on Nexus from last week. Punk takes us to a video interview with Wade at the hotel, but instead we get Otunga who says he is on his way to the arena to see the tag team title match. Otunga has nothing to say of importance that we didn’t already know and then opens his hotel room door when there’s a knock like a fucking retard. Oh. It really is room service. Clearly nothing to see here, OH SHIT IT’S CENA THE SECOND TIME. Totally didn’t see that coming or anything. Glad they hired those new writers.

We cut to David Hart Smith in his new, lamer ring gear here to take on Tyson Kidd. Tyson is joined by some huge-ass motherfucker.

Tyson Kidd w/ Some Big Guy vs. David Hart Smith

Smith rocks Kidd against the ropes from the get go. Kidd flips kicks over the ropes to the apron, hitting Smith in the face but is tossed from the apron back in. Smith misses a leg drop and takes a kick to the chest. Tyson stomps him into the corner and works a submission. Smith escapes and runs Kidd down with a series of shoulder blocks. Belly to belly overhead follows up, but Kidd catches him with an elbow in the corner. They meat up at the top rope. Smith comes off with a big superplex for two. Smith catches a leap over in the corner by Kidd, but Kidd counters it into a roll through cover with the tights for three.
Winner: Kidd

Smith attacks him after the match, because that’s what faces do and immediately is beat down by the big guy. He clobbers Smith with a clothesline and Tyson comes to pose in front of him. In the back, Gabriel and Slater are freaking out about their fatal fourway tag match with Cena still on the loose. Otunga comes in out of breath, so I assume Otunga ran all the way from his hotel on foot. Otunga says the plan sucks, but Wade says the plan just needs better execution. Wade says he’s going to call Cena out, but Otunga says he better take care of things or there will be a mutiny. I’m sure nothing like that will EVER happen…

Random Commercial Thought: If you like acapella music, you should watch Sing Off.

Back to the show where Santino and Kozlov arrive for a shot at the titles. Why are Yoshi and Henry in this?

The Usos w/ Tamina vs. Santino Morella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater (4-Way Tag Team Elimination Title Match)

That was a pretty long title. Gabriel and Tatsu start things off. Yoshi goes for a headlock and Gabriel powers out. Yoshi slides under a kick and delivers one of his own. Gabriel eats a wheel kick for two. Gabriel kicks his way free and tags out to Slater, who immediately fails and gets his arm wracked by Yoshi. Henry tags in and Slater runs like a little girl to tag in the Usos. The Usos argue over who will actually go in and face him until Henry just picks one to drag in by the hair. Jey is the unlucky man who eats a series of clotheslines, punches, and headbutts. Yoshi tags back in, but gets forced into the Uso corner where Jimmy takes over. Jey tags back in after some underhanded double teaming. (Punk and Matthews are having an argument that is finally ended by King. Punk says Josh can keep it up and he’ll send him right back to Superstars.) Double clothesline from the Usos and Jimmy dropkicks Henry’s legs out from him on the apron.

Jey picks up Yoshi for a scoop slam and a running head butt. Slater makes a blind tag in and takes Yoshi out from behind with a weak looking move that I assume is supposed to count as his shitty finisher. I haven’t seen him do anything in so long, I forgot what it was. Back in, Gabriel has to save Slater from a pin by the Usos when they wreck him. Kozlov blind tags in on Slater who tries to pick a fight. Kozlov kicks him to the curb before annihilating the Usos single handedly and finishing one off with a spine buster for the three. Tamina chooses not to leave with them and sticks with Santino instead.

Kozlov gets his knee kicked in by Gabriel back in the ring but just head butts Slater out when he ties to tag in and take advantage. Santino is in to a huge pop and flips over Slater in the corner only to get stomped down to the ground. Gabriel seems to be slowly trying to get more of a personality that isn’t Nexus lately with his new ring gear and his hobo beard. He tags in and stomps on Santino some more before working a headlock. Speaking of people’s looks, Tamina looks like a man cross-dressing as Cher right now. Gabriel picks up a two count on Santino and takes him to the Nexus corner. Slater distracts the ref while Santino is choked in the corner as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m going to make a sandwich entirely made of bacon with bacon in between it.

Back to the match where Kozlov is struggling against Gabriel. He makes the hot tag to Santino who delivers his hip toss and a falling heabutt before a big winding uppercut and a “stunner” get him a two count when Slater breaks it up. Kozlov tackles him to the floor and Cena appears to distract Gabriel who takes a cobra strike right in the face.
Winners: Santino & Gabriel

Punk mentions that he thought it was the Grimace when he say a big giant purple thing come out of the ring. Tamina gives Santino a make out session who guides her and Kozlov in his trumpet celebration….was that a Nazi march? They threaten us with an Alex Riley match again.

Random Commercial Thought: Christmas is devouring my soul.

Back to the show where Sheamus is introduced in hilarious Celtic royalty robes. He looks like he just got back from the creepiest LARP of all time. Sheamus says he is the new high king. He has horns on his crown. He gives us a little history of the high kings of Ireland, but he’ll never fall because his reign will live forever and he will be the greatest high king in history. John Morrison of course has words to share on this. Morrison asks why he didn’t bring goblins, elves and gnomes for him (Hornswoggle was busy). Sheamus accuses him of being jealous of his title reigns and King of the Ring win.

Morrison says they are one and one and he’s declaring himself the better man right now. Sheamus demands to be either called His Highness of High King of WWE. I like that second one, it’s better than the whole Celtic Warrior thing. Sheamus demands some bowing be done right damn now. I tried that once. And then she slapped me. Morrison refuses and eats a slap from Sheamus who demands him to be on his knees. I tried that once too. Then he slapped me. Morrison assaults Sheamus and beats him down with his scepter before putting Sheamus through his throne.

Random Commercial Thought:

Oh great Laycool are on the microphone for the divas match. They say Cole invited them, King reminds them he isn’t here and tells them to piss off.

Diva’s Champion Natalya vs. Melina (Non-Title Match)

Natalya delivers a headlock take down and Melina counters with a head scissors. Natalya comes back with a pumping suplex as Punk yells at everyone to fucking shut up as he tries to call the match. Natalya picks up a two count. Melina wracks Natalya onto her knees and picks up her own two count before delivering a really odd chicken wing submission with her legs. Natalya rolls it back into a pin for a two count, but Melina rolls it back and breaks it. Melina screeches and runs into a huge clothesline. Natalya charges her into the corner for some knees to the midsection. Melina kicks her way free and goes for a big kick but Natalya pulls her down into the splits for a dropkick. Natalya locks in the sharpshooter and that’s all she wrote.
Winner: Natalya

Laycool abandon the announce stand and attack high and low to double team Natalya. Melina hobbled off and “missed” this somehow.

Random Commercial Thought: Kohl’s is pushing their merch hard this year.

Back to the show where they replay the Miz/Orton showdown from earlier tonight, including the RKO of Cole. Miz is pep talking Riley and saying he must beat Orton or else. Yeah, good luck with that. Speaking of Orton, here he is.

Random Commercial Thought: Sonic Colors. Less gay than it sounds but still furry.

Orton is waiting in the ring and we get a replay of how he lost his title and hurt his knee.

Alex Riley w/ WWE Champion The Miz vs. Randy Orton

Riley goes immediately to Orton’s knee and kicks the shit out of it, stomping him into the ground after a distraction from Miz. Orton tries to power back in the corner, but Riley kicks his knee out and picks up a two count. Riley starts elbowing the inside of the knee. Orton punches his way free and delivers an Angle Slam (I’m serious). Back on their feet, they trade blow until Riley kicks the leg only to take an inverted atomic drop….on the supposedly bad knee that doesn’t effect Orton at all. Good selling there, Chuckles. Orton sends Riley to the apron and drops him with the suspended DDT. Orton signals the RKO, but Miz slides in and drops him with a Skull-crushing Finale.
Winner: Orton

Miz demands a microphone to say he’s going to show him what kind of match they will be having. He starts hunting under the ring and drags out a table to set up in the ring. Orton is dragged to his feet for another Skull-crushing Finale, but Orton escapes and tries to power slam Miz through the table. Miz slips free and dives to the floor. Orton then gets an idea. An horrible, awful idea. He proceeds to power bomb Riley through the table. We cut away to Wade Barrett walking through the back who stops to bitch at Otunga for a second, one of his favorite activities.

Random Commercial Thought: World of Warcraft needs to stop now, please.

Wade returns us to the show saying he had assumed Cena would be a man of his word. He says that if Cena had an ounce of honor or integrity he wouldn’t show his face again. Wade says that Cena’s plan fails because no matter how much he attacks Nexus, they can’t hire him, only he can. He invites Cena to join him in the ring so he can get something off his chest. That nasty pimple? Punk demands security to take care of the jumper with all the enthusiasm of the actors that delivered their lines in The Room. The rest of Nexus arrive on the entrance ramp. Wade says if Cena so much as threatens him, Nexus will annihilate him. You know, like they’ve done before. o w8.

Wade says he will never rehire him and this is not going to work. Cena says he loves being a fan because he gets to tailgate to every show and now that he has time on his hands he gets to make Nexus’ lives a living hell. He says he doesn’t mind not having a ob because apparently his family doesn’t mean shit because he gets to pull pranks and be an asshole now. Like a college student. Wade wants to know what would confirm that Cena wouldn’t murder Nexus anymore if he had his job back. Cena says if Wade has the guts to hire him back, the attacks on Nexus will stop, but not attacks on Wade, because he deserves payback. Otherwise, he’ll just keep kicking his ass every time he sees fit. Wade says that sounded a lot like a threat and order Nexus to come put Cena out of his misery.

Nexus decides they’ll just take a walk to the back instead. Cena proceeds to take Wade to town around the ring, slamming him into the ring steps. He sets the steps up against the announce table as Punk laments another diet soda, but Cena hands it to him nicely. Punk tosses it in the floor. Probably because it’s been tainted by the roids now. Cena climbs the steps with Barrett on his shoulders, but Wade springs to life and runs for his life. The fired Cena’s music plays because that makes perfect sense. Wade is seen stalking through the back and screaming at Otunga and Nexus. Otunga says he either hires Cena back next week or Nexus is kicking him out.

Highlight of the Night: Cole got an RKO. It made me happy inside.

Lowlight of the Night: The match between Melina and Natalya was nearly unwatchable with the harpy shouting going on at the announce desk.

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever keeps writing segments for Laycool to be able to talk more in.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).