Last week, we saw the
beginning of the rivalry no one wants to see ever in
Lawler and Cole that will hopefully be forgotten and
never spoken of again. Let’s get right into it.
The show opens
with a replay of all the footage about Miz/Lawler
from last week. Takes several minutes of footage to
get us along. We cut from this to a shot of Punk and
King at the announce table alone (huzzah!). King
gets a huge chant. Punk congratulates Lawler on
having the heart of a champion saying he would have
won if not for Cole. King goes to respond when The
Mike’s voice interrupts things. Cole says he is
trying to explain his actions from last week, saying
he doesn’t know why he did what he did. Perhaps he
had a apse and thought he was relevant. He says it’s
been a traumatic week for him because of all the
hate mail he received. Far less traumatic than that
time he was raped in the butt.
Cole says he
will not apologize for how he feels about the Miz
because he was the only supporter of Miz when he
started and he’s become like a son to him. Cole says
he was caught up in the moment last week. King
demands an actual apology. Cole says he made a
mistake and wants to know if Jerry ever made one.
King says he guesses he may have to make a mistake
right now and finish what he started last week now.
Punk hilariously mumbles he’s not going to stop him.
Cole says King is as much to blame as himself
because he has to steal the spotlight and couldn’t
let Miz have his moment. Cole says he doesn’t owe an
apology, King owes him one. King says he’s gonna
give him what he owes him then when the GM
interrupts. Punk arrives to read it and does his
best Cole voice.
The GM puts a ban on
physicality between Lawler and Cole. The GM demands
them to shake hands. After a long pause, King
accepts and finally shakes hands. Cole tries to walk
away afterward but is held fast. King says he agrees
to no physicality but there is someone in the back
who has something to say and Randy Orton arrives.
Cole tries to beat a hasty retreat, but King holds
him until he’s left alone with Orton. Orton says he
doesn’t blame Miz, he would have done the same thing
if the roles were switched. Orton says he’ll take
back his title from Miz with his injured knee or
Miz arrives to respond to this of
course. He says Orton won’t get his rematch tonight
because the GM told him the match will be at the TLC
PPV. Orton says the only thing that is wrong with
Miz’s plan to win is that he doesn’t have seven men
to beat his ass and Alex doesn’t even count as one
man. Alex challenges him to a match out of some kind
of suicidal tendency. Has that guy won any matches?
Miz informs him that the GM allowed him to pick what
match type he gets at the PPV, but he hasn’t decided
yet because he wants the decision to be awesome.
Also Orton RKOs the fuck out of Michael Cole.
Random Commercial Thought:
Jesus Christ, how long was that segment, like twenty
We come back to Josh Matthews who is
curious as to why King and Punk are so excited at
what happened, tongue in cheek. Ted Dibiase and
Maryse arrive for some mixed tag action. Nikki Bella
is building up courage to knock on Daniel Bryan’s
door when he opens it with Brie on his arm. Nikki
isn’t happy that Brie is going to be teaming with
Brie Bella & US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Ted
Dibiase & Maryse
As soon as
the match starts, Nikki saunters her way out to the
ring as well. Bryan and Dibiase trade holds until
Bryan slips out in an innovative little leap frog
maneuver. Brian uses an arm bar takedown as Punk
calls him Brian Danielson and is immediately
chastised by both announcers. Dibiase tosses Bryan
up in the air to faceplant before tagging out to
Maryse. Maryse bombs a clothesline on Brie who
dropkicks her down and clotheslines for two. Maryse
fights back with an awkward hair pull bulldog. She
starts bitching Brie out, but misses a clothesline,
allowing a rollup for Brie. Ted drags her off the
Bryan jumps in to dropkick Dibiase
into the corner and to the floor. The ref gets up on
Daniel while Nikki switches spots with Brie. Maryse
turns to get her and gets scooped into a small
package for the three.
Winners: Daniel & Brie
Dibaise and Maryse share words.
Maryse throws up her hand and ditches him.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m not sure I can
survive the Slammys again. It’s painful!
to the show where we get a video recap of the Cena
beatdowns on Nexus from last week. Punk takes us to
a video interview with Wade at the hotel, but
instead we get Otunga who says he is on his way to
the arena to see the tag team title match. Otunga
has nothing to say of importance that we didn’t
already know and then opens his hotel room door when
there’s a knock like a fucking retard. Oh. It really
is room service. Clearly nothing to see here, OH
SHIT IT’S CENA THE SECOND TIME. Totally didn’t see
that coming or anything. Glad they hired those new
We cut to David Hart Smith in his
new, lamer ring gear here to take on Tyson Kidd.
Tyson is joined by some huge-ass motherfucker.
Tyson Kidd w/ Some Big Guy vs. David Hart Smith
Smith rocks Kidd against the ropes from the get go.
Kidd flips kicks over the ropes to the apron,
hitting Smith in the face but is tossed from the
apron back in. Smith misses a leg drop and takes a
kick to the chest. Tyson stomps him into the corner
and works a submission. Smith escapes and runs Kidd
down with a series of shoulder blocks. Belly to
belly overhead follows up, but Kidd catches him with
an elbow in the corner. They meat up at the top
rope. Smith comes off with a big superplex for two.
Smith catches a leap over in the corner by Kidd, but
Kidd counters it into a roll through cover with the
tights for three.
attacks him after the match, because that’s what
faces do and immediately is beat down by the big
guy. He clobbers Smith with a clothesline and Tyson
comes to pose in front of him. In the back, Gabriel
and Slater are freaking out about their fatal
fourway tag match with Cena still on the loose.
Otunga comes in out of breath, so I assume Otunga
ran all the way from his hotel on foot. Otunga says
the plan sucks, but Wade says the plan just needs
better execution. Wade says he’s going to call Cena
out, but Otunga says he better take care of things
or there will be a mutiny. I’m sure nothing like
that will EVER happen…
Thought: If you like acapella music, you should
watch Sing Off.
Back to the show where
Santino and Kozlov arrive for a shot at the titles.
Why are Yoshi and Henry in this?
The Usos w/ Tamina vs. Santino Morella & Vladimir
Kozlov vs. Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry vs. WWE Tag Team
Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater (4-Way Tag
Team Elimination Title Match)
That was a pretty long title. Gabriel and Tatsu
start things off. Yoshi goes for a headlock and
Gabriel powers out. Yoshi slides under a kick and
delivers one of his own. Gabriel eats a wheel kick
for two. Gabriel kicks his way free and tags out to
Slater, who immediately fails and gets his arm
wracked by Yoshi. Henry tags in and Slater runs like
a little girl to tag in the Usos. The Usos argue
over who will actually go in and face him until
Henry just picks one to drag in by the hair. Jey is
the unlucky man who eats a series of clotheslines,
punches, and headbutts. Yoshi tags back in, but gets
forced into the Uso corner where Jimmy takes over.
Jey tags back in after some underhanded double
teaming. (Punk and Matthews are having an argument
that is finally ended by King. Punk says Josh can
keep it up and he’ll send him right back to
Superstars.) Double clothesline from the Usos and
Jimmy dropkicks Henry’s legs out from him on the
Jey picks up Yoshi for a scoop slam
and a running head butt. Slater makes a blind tag in
and takes Yoshi out from behind with a weak looking
move that I assume is supposed to count as his
shitty finisher. I haven’t seen him do anything in
so long, I forgot what it was. Back in, Gabriel has
to save Slater from a pin by the Usos when they
wreck him. Kozlov blind tags in on Slater who tries
to pick a fight. Kozlov kicks him to the curb before
annihilating the Usos single handedly and finishing
one off with a spine buster for the three. Tamina
chooses not to leave with them and sticks with
Kozlov gets his knee kicked
in by Gabriel back in the ring but just head butts
Slater out when he ties to tag in and take
advantage. Santino is in to a huge pop and flips
over Slater in the corner only to get stomped down
to the ground. Gabriel seems to be slowly trying to
get more of a personality that isn’t Nexus lately
with his new ring gear and his hobo beard. He tags
in and stomps on Santino some more before working a
headlock. Speaking of people’s looks, Tamina looks
like a man cross-dressing as Cher right now. Gabriel
picks up a two count on Santino and takes him to the
Nexus corner. Slater distracts the ref while Santino
is choked in the corner as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m going to make a
sandwich entirely made of bacon with bacon in
Back to the match where Kozlov is
struggling against Gabriel. He makes the hot tag to
Santino who delivers his hip toss and a falling
heabutt before a big winding uppercut and a
“stunner” get him a two count when Slater breaks it
up. Kozlov tackles him to the floor and Cena appears
to distract Gabriel who takes a cobra strike right
in the face.
Winners: Santino & Gabriel
Punk mentions that he thought it was the Grimace
when he say a big giant purple thing come out of the
ring. Tamina gives Santino a make out session who
guides her and Kozlov in his trumpet
celebration….was that a Nazi march? They threaten us
with an Alex Riley match again.
Random Commercial Thought: Christmas is
devouring my soul.
Back to the show where
Sheamus is introduced in hilarious Celtic royalty
robes. He looks like he just got back from the
creepiest LARP of all time. Sheamus says he is the
new high king. He has horns on his crown. He gives
us a little history of the high kings of Ireland,
but he’ll never fall because his reign will live
forever and he will be the greatest high king in
history. John Morrison of course has words to share
on this. Morrison asks why he didn’t bring goblins,
elves and gnomes for him (Hornswoggle was busy).
Sheamus accuses him of being jealous of his title
reigns and King of the Ring win.
says they are one and one and he’s declaring himself
the better man right now. Sheamus demands to be
either called His Highness of High King of WWE. I
like that second one, it’s better than the whole
Celtic Warrior thing. Sheamus demands some bowing be
done right damn now. I tried that once. And then she
slapped me. Morrison refuses and eats a slap from
Sheamus who demands him to be on his knees. I tried
that once too. Then he slapped me. Morrison assaults
Sheamus and beats him down with his scepter before
putting Sheamus through his throne.
Oh great Laycool are on
the microphone for the divas match. They say Cole
invited them, King reminds them he isn’t here and
tells them to piss off.
Diva’s Champion Natalya vs. Melina
delivers a headlock take down and Melina counters
with a head scissors. Natalya comes back with a
pumping suplex as Punk yells at everyone to fucking
shut up as he tries to call the match. Natalya picks
up a two count. Melina wracks Natalya onto her knees
and picks up her own two count before delivering a
really odd chicken wing submission with her legs.
Natalya rolls it back into a pin for a two count,
but Melina rolls it back and breaks it. Melina
screeches and runs into a huge clothesline. Natalya
charges her into the corner for some knees to the
midsection. Melina kicks her way free and goes for a
big kick but Natalya pulls her down into the splits
for a dropkick. Natalya locks in the sharpshooter
and that’s all she wrote.
Laycool abandon the announce stand and attack high
and low to double team Natalya. Melina hobbled off
and “missed” this somehow.
Thought: Kohl’s is pushing their merch hard this
Back to the show where they replay the
Miz/Orton showdown from earlier tonight, including
the RKO of Cole. Miz is pep talking Riley and saying
he must beat Orton or else. Yeah, good luck with
that. Speaking of Orton, here he is.
Commercial Thought: Sonic Colors. Less gay than it
sounds but still furry.
Orton is waiting in
the ring and we get a replay of how he lost his
title and hurt his knee.
Alex Riley w/ WWE Champion The Miz
vs. Randy Orton
immediately to Orton’s knee and kicks the shit out
of it, stomping him into the ground after a
distraction from Miz. Orton tries to power back in
the corner, but Riley kicks his knee out and picks
up a two count. Riley starts elbowing the inside of
the knee. Orton punches his way free and delivers an
Angle Slam (I’m serious). Back on their feet, they
trade blow until Riley kicks the leg only to take an
inverted atomic drop….on the supposedly bad knee
that doesn’t effect Orton at all. Good selling
there, Chuckles. Orton sends Riley to the apron and
drops him with the suspended DDT. Orton signals the
RKO, but Miz slides in and drops him with a
demands a microphone to say he’s going to show him
what kind of match they will be having. He starts
hunting under the ring and drags out a table to set
up in the ring. Orton is dragged to his feet for
another Skull-crushing Finale, but Orton escapes and
tries to power slam Miz through the table. Miz slips
free and dives to the floor. Orton then gets an
idea. An horrible, awful idea. He proceeds to power
bomb Riley through the table. We cut away to Wade
Barrett walking through the back who stops to bitch
at Otunga for a second, one of his favorite
Random Commercial Thought: World
of Warcraft needs to stop now, please.
returns us to the show saying he had assumed Cena
would be a man of his word. He says that if Cena had
an ounce of honor or integrity he wouldn’t show his
face again. Wade says that Cena’s plan fails because
no matter how much he attacks Nexus, they can’t hire
him, only he can. He invites Cena to join him in the
ring so he can get something off his chest. That
nasty pimple? Punk demands security to take care of
the jumper with all the enthusiasm of the actors
that delivered their lines in The Room. The rest of
Nexus arrive on the entrance ramp. Wade says if Cena
so much as threatens him, Nexus will annihilate him.
You know, like they’ve done before. o w8.
Wade says he will never rehire him and this is not
going to work. Cena says he loves being a fan
because he gets to tailgate to every show and now
that he has time on his hands he gets to make Nexus’
lives a living hell. He says he doesn’t mind not
having a ob because apparently his family doesn’t
mean shit because he gets to pull pranks and be an
asshole now. Like a college student. Wade wants to
know what would confirm that Cena wouldn’t murder
Nexus anymore if he had his job back. Cena says if
Wade has the guts to hire him back, the attacks on
Nexus will stop, but not attacks on Wade, because he
deserves payback. Otherwise, he’ll just keep kicking
his ass every time he sees fit. Wade says that
sounded a lot like a threat and order Nexus to come
put Cena out of his misery.
they’ll just take a walk to the back instead. Cena
proceeds to take Wade to town around the ring,
slamming him into the ring steps. He sets the steps
up against the announce table as Punk laments
another diet soda, but Cena hands it to him nicely.
Punk tosses it in the floor. Probably because it’s
been tainted by the roids now. Cena climbs the steps
with Barrett on his shoulders, but Wade springs to
life and runs for his life. The fired Cena’s music
plays because that makes perfect sense. Wade is seen
stalking through the back and screaming at Otunga
and Nexus. Otunga says he either hires Cena back
next week or Nexus is kicking him out.
Highlight of the Night: Cole got an
RKO. It made me happy inside.
Lowlight of the Night: The match
between Melina and Natalya was nearly unwatchable
with the harpy shouting going on at the announce
“Creative” Award: Whoever keeps
writing segments for Laycool to be able to talk more