Welcome to the only show
with as many midgets as that show about a family of
midgets. I can never watch that show without
bursting into laughter. I mean, wow. I’m a terrible
person I know.
Show opens with new opening.
The jerky footage makes it look like they are having
framerate issues or something. After pyro, Cole says
with Verne hosting it will be a shaggadelic Raw and
I have to wonder why since he didn’t play that
fucking character. Dumb ass. So here are Jericho and
the Big Show. They talk about how much more awesome
than DX they are, and how Jericho was the first
Undisputed Champion, and Big Show is the only man to
hold ECW, WWE and WCW world titles. The whole time
they are talking, there is footage running of them
beating people up on the titantron. Big Show starts
talking about his fist a lot (MY PROUD FIST).
Fisting fetish much? This segment drags on for about
seven minutes without much else being said until DX
comes out over the prospect of never being in a TLC
match before. Trips brings up how they are boring us
to deat. Apparently they both picked up stocking
caps and they both looks fucking retarded in them.
people don’t believe in DX because of
the clothes and merchandise, and the camera
immediately tries to cut away from everyone waving
their horrifically overpriced glowsticks. Shawn says
they’ll be making history by being in their first
TLC match and becoming the tag team champs for the
first time ever. They also bring up how Chris has ot
go back to Smackdown if he loses the belt. Fifteen
minutes in now and Trips is challenging Jericho to a
match. This is dragging like a dead horse. Big Show
decides that the loser has to face the other team in
a handicap match. Sheesh we finally end this segment
by going to commercial.
Thought: What a twist!
Back to the show where
Transylmania presents a replay of the evil Gooker
last week. Melina and Gail Kim are on their way out
now, and the fucking signal cuts out. So instead I
recap a black screen. Oh wait, here’s Maryse
suddenly around in the back being pissed off at
Josh. Also Jillian is there. They’re teaming
because…um…they both are bottle blondes with fake
titties? Melina and Maryse have to be held back at
first but they decide to start us off.
Jillian Hall & Maryse vs.
Diva’s Champion Melina & Gail Kim
Maryse taunts Melina and runs to a tag to Jillian.
Melina demands her to get in here. Maryse taunts
some more and Jillian rolls up Melina from behind
for two. Jillian gets beat down in the corner until
Gail tags in with a missile dropkick for two when
Maryse breaks the pin up. Jillian delivers a side
slam to Kim and cartwheels into an elbow drop for
two. Maryse is in now, taunting Melina more and
going on to taunt Gail but she eats a neck breaker
for the stalling. Melina is in now, annihilating
Maryse. She spears her as well while screaming like
Xena. Jillian is taken out by Gail for coming in and
back in the ring Maryse misses a corner charge. An
attempted sunset flip out of the corner is blocked
and Maryse nails a DDT for three.
Jillian and Maryse
After the match we get a
replay of how Sheamus became number one
Commercial Thought: Why doesn’t Chuck Norris just
roundhouse kick his fat away?
Back to the
show. Sheamus is here (oh dear God) and he demands
to be taken seriously. So his opponent is revealed
to be Santino. Yeah, that’s the kind of opponents
that number one contenders get. Tune in next week as
he defeats the highly ranked Funaki and Nunzio and
Scotty Too Hotty all at the same time. Santino says
all he talks about is Cena instead of him so he’s
not very smart. Santino demands to be noticed.
Santino says he’ll be leaving TLC with nothing
anyway and is still a loser.
him in the head and starts to crush Santino all
around the ring. He runs him over with a clothesline
and the ref never bothers to start the match here.
Santino stumbles up and gets hit by another
clothesline for his troubles. Come on black ref, get
some order here. He drags Santino up into the step
kick and finishes things off with his Razor’s Edge.
Sheamus proceeds to procure a table and put Santino
through it. That was boring. In the back. Big Show
and Jericho are talking to Troyer. He ignores
Jericho but says hi to The Show because huge people
and little people hanging out is INCREDIBLY FUNNY.
Thought: Sirius is using Richard Pryor’s corpse to
push their stuff?
Back to the show where
almost an hour in the guest host is finally going to
do something. WWE thanks Switchfoot for their TLC
theme and I have to wonder why you would thank
anyone for that song. Star of films such as Harry
Potter and Austin Powers…wait, was he the star of
any movie ever let alone those? Verne is on a stool
hugging the gigantic mircophone to his face. He says
Seth Green had fun so he wanted to do it himself. He
talks about Summerslam but I’m not really paying
much attention. He says one guy in the WWE was an
irritating jerk, The Miz. So Miz comes out. Miz does
his best Dr. Evil and it’s pretty damn good. Miz
threatens to kick him like a football and the save
is made by Mark Henry. What the fuck kind of circus
is this turning into? A midget, a jackass and now a
gorilla? Anyway Verne makes a match between them in
case you didn’t see it coming.
Commercial Thought: Salvation Army double whammy. No
you can’t have my money.
Back to the show.
Kofi Kingston comes out for what should be a pretty
good match…but gets jumped by Cody Rhodes right away
and beat down into the ring steps. Kofi gets up and
demands he still go on to fight Orton. Orton’s music
hits…and Dibiase attacks, beating the shit out of
Kingston’s leg, pulling it over the edge of the ring
and dropping elbows. Kingston still demands to fight
as Orton approaches looking like a fucking animal
that smells blood.
Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton
Kingston is up and hopping around on one foot here.
Orton tackles the leg and starts kicking into it,
stomping the leg down. Orton continues to wear on
Orton, tearing his leg around. He works Kingston
into the corner but Kingston rallies back and starts
beating him off. Orton fights back and finally just
counters with an RKO for the three.
Wow, glad I didn’t get to see the version of this
match that would have been actually entertaining.
Post match, Orton sets Kofi up for his suspended DDT
and drops him. Massive heel heat for this at least.
I just feel cheated of seeing any matches so far
Random Commercial Thought: Let’s
play a game.
Back to the show where Verne is
beating MVP with Undertaker at Smackdown vs. Raw.
Jillian comes along to sing to them and Henry for
some reason. Why are we doing this segment? It turns
out Henry can dance according to MVP. He has Jillian
sing so he’ll dance and I never thought I’d see
Henry humping Jillian…he falls on her….that was
actually kind of funny. Verne thinks she’s dead and
goes back to playing games. They run down the card
for TLC…Ecw gets Shelton Benjamin vs. Christian in a
ladder match? Fucking bullshit! Why do I have
fucking Sheamus? Cena arrive sin a sports car as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Seriously stop pimping that movie. It’s fucking
Back to the show. Cena says if he loses
to Sheamus, he won’t bother to wait for his rematch
he’ll use it right away at TLC for a second match.
Would you really make us sit through that match
twice in one night WWE? Really? Cena goes on to say
tonight he goes to war and defends the belt against
Sheamus right now. Instead we get Carlito. Uh…I
didn’t even know you were still on this show. Where
did the rest of his hair go? Carlito says all the
superstars of all three brands really want him out
of the spotlight and are tired of his stupid gear.
Cena demands Carlito to step up if he thinks he’s
got what it takes. He strips his gear and Carlito
takes a bite of an apple but Cena just punches him
in the face first before delivering an FU. Carlito
disposed of, Sheamus appears but refuses to approach
the ring while Cena seems ready. Instead he just
turns around and leaves. Thank god, two of those in
one night is too much. They pimp the DX match later
I swear to god Cole just called them
Random Commercial Thought: Why are
we being subjected to Twilight anyway? Couldn’t they
just advertise it on Oxygen or something?
Back to the show where Verne Troyer introduces his
homies MVP and Henry. MVP rhymes as he talks about
how they are going to show The Miz that Henry has
personality. So they do so by having him rap. I hit
my mute button so fast you would have thought my
name is Barry Allen.
Thought: Taco Bell sucks. I said it.
the show. Oh thank god he’s not rapping still. The
Miz is already getting in the ring.
US Champion The Miz vs. Mark Henry (Non-title Match)
Miz starts off with big kicks and punches and
immediately beats Henry into a corner only to be
thrown off. He leaps onto Henry’s back and puts on a
sleeper only to be thrown off again. Miz gets the
tables turned on him in the corner and eats a
clothesline. Henry eats an elbow though trying to
send him to the floor and Miz takes out the knee,
following up with a kick to the head for two. Miz
goes back to the sleeper because it worked so well
last time. He gets backed into the corner but dodges
the corner charge and delviers some hard blows. Miz
delivers a huge running knee in the corner and goes
up top. Henry catches him off the top and crushes
him with the World’s Strongest Slam for three.
Verne decides to dance with the
Divas and Henry after the match. Because for some
reason all midgets that have ever existed in media
are also ladies men. Which is of course absolutely
retarded, but it’s comedy! Also Chris Jericho. But
Random Commercial Thought: I
try very hard to avoid any and all things that
involve college students.
Back to the show
where DX thinks the lawyer last week was just a
dream. Hornswoggle comes back to yell at them with
subtitles for not showing up in court. Verne
approaches Hornswoggle on a scooter and says he
should sue them for everything they got. That…was
Also Chris Jericho. DX is
out afterward and Shawn is going to be on the
Triple H vs. Chris
Trips is about to hop in the
ring when Big Show’s theme hits, distracting him for
Jericho to attack from behind as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Burger
King has betrayed men everywhere.
Back to the
show. Jericho is beating on Trips in the corner and
he sends him flying to the floor over the ropes. It
seems we have Big Show on the mic now as well. It’s
getting crowded over there. Jericho slams Trips into
the perfectly legal steel steps. Trips tries to
rally back with a huge right but Jericho trips him
up for the walls. Trips escapes but back on their
feet Jericho trips him up again and bridges over
into a pin for two. Now it’s Trips’ turn to come
back with a follow through clothesline for a two
count of his own. Back on their feet, Jericho
counters a pedigree, spinning into a DDT for two.
Jericho comes off the ropes but Trips counters with
a spine buster for two. Big Show is up now and
Michaels gets in his face only to be slung by one
hand to his face. The ref is distracted looking at
Michaels and Big Show knocks Trips out with a big
right. The ref tosses Show from ringside but
Michaels super kicks Jericho. The ref ejects him as
well and we have both men knocked out completely in
the ring while the ref returns. Standing ten count
begins and Trips is stirring as is Jericho at an
eight count. They both make it up at nine. Jericho
tries the code breaker but Trips counters to a
pedigree. Jericho trips him up into the Walls but
Trips kicks him into the corner, bouncing back into
a roll up for three.
declares next week to be Jericho’s last week on Raw
as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Jericho/Trips was
pretty much the only real match on the show tonight
and even it was kind of a WTF. Divas don’t count.
Lowlight of the Night: Santino and Carlito
get buried further for no reason. Both of these
segments just pissed me off.
WWE “Creative” Award: Once again, SHEAMUS?!
ARE YOU JOKING?! SHEAMUS?!
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).