WWE
RAW RANT:
(11/30/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the only show with as many midgets as that show about a family of midgets. I can never watch that show without bursting into laughter. I mean, wow. I’m a terrible person I know.

Raw 11.30.09

Show opens with new opening. The jerky footage makes it look like they are having framerate issues or something. After pyro, Cole says with Verne hosting it will be a shaggadelic Raw and I have to wonder why since he didn’t play that fucking character. Dumb ass. So here are Jericho and the Big Show. They talk about how much more awesome than DX they are, and how Jericho was the first Undisputed Champion, and Big Show is the only man to hold ECW, WWE and WCW world titles. The whole time they are talking, there is footage running of them beating people up on the titantron. Big Show starts talking about his fist a lot (MY PROUD FIST). Fisting fetish much? This segment drags on for about seven minutes without much else being said until DX comes out over the prospect of never being in a TLC match before. Trips brings up how they are boring us to deat. Apparently they both picked up stocking caps and they both looks fucking retarded in them. Trips says
people don’t believe in DX because of the clothes and merchandise, and the camera immediately tries to cut away from everyone waving their horrifically overpriced glowsticks. Shawn says they’ll be making history by being in their first TLC match and becoming the tag team champs for the first time ever. They also bring up how Chris has ot go back to Smackdown if he loses the belt. Fifteen minutes in now and Trips is challenging Jericho to a match. This is dragging like a dead horse. Big Show decides that the loser has to face the other team in a handicap match. Sheesh we finally end this segment by going to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What a twist!

Back to the show where Transylmania presents a replay of the evil Gooker last week. Melina and Gail Kim are on their way out now, and the fucking signal cuts out. So instead I recap a black screen. Oh wait, here’s Maryse suddenly around in the back being pissed off at Josh. Also Jillian is there. They’re teaming because…um…they both are bottle blondes with fake titties? Melina and Maryse have to be held back at first but they decide to start us off.

Jillian Hall & Maryse vs. Diva’s Champion Melina & Gail Kim

Maryse taunts Melina and runs to a tag to Jillian. Melina demands her to get in here. Maryse taunts some more and Jillian rolls up Melina from behind for two. Jillian gets beat down in the corner until Gail tags in with a missile dropkick for two when Maryse breaks the pin up. Jillian delivers a side slam to Kim and cartwheels into an elbow drop for two. Maryse is in now, taunting Melina more and going on to taunt Gail but she eats a neck breaker for the stalling. Melina is in now, annihilating Maryse. She spears her as well while screaming like Xena. Jillian is taken out by Gail for coming in and back in the ring Maryse misses a corner charge. An attempted sunset flip out of the corner is blocked and Maryse nails a DDT for three.
Winners: Jillian and Maryse

After the match we get a replay of how Sheamus became number one contender….MOTHERFUCKING SHEAMUS.

Random Commercial Thought: Why doesn’t Chuck Norris just roundhouse kick his fat away?

Back to the show. Sheamus is here (oh dear God) and he demands to be taken seriously. So his opponent is revealed to be Santino. Yeah, that’s the kind of opponents that number one contenders get. Tune in next week as he defeats the highly ranked Funaki and Nunzio and Scotty Too Hotty all at the same time. Santino says all he talks about is Cena instead of him so he’s not very smart. Santino demands to be noticed. Santino says he’ll be leaving TLC with nothing anyway and is still a loser.

Sheamus clubs him in the head and starts to crush Santino all around the ring. He runs him over with a clothesline and the ref never bothers to start the match here. Santino stumbles up and gets hit by another clothesline for his troubles. Come on black ref, get some order here. He drags Santino up into the step kick and finishes things off with his Razor’s Edge. Sheamus proceeds to procure a table and put Santino through it. That was boring. In the back. Big Show and Jericho are talking to Troyer. He ignores Jericho but says hi to The Show because huge people and little people hanging out is INCREDIBLY FUNNY. Anyway, commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Sirius is using Richard Pryor’s corpse to push their stuff?

Back to the show where almost an hour in the guest host is finally going to do something. WWE thanks Switchfoot for their TLC theme and I have to wonder why you would thank anyone for that song. Star of films such as Harry Potter and Austin Powers…wait, was he the star of any movie ever let alone those? Verne is on a stool hugging the gigantic mircophone to his face. He says Seth Green had fun so he wanted to do it himself. He talks about Summerslam but I’m not really paying much attention. He says one guy in the WWE was an irritating jerk, The Miz. So Miz comes out. Miz does his best Dr. Evil and it’s pretty damn good. Miz threatens to kick him like a football and the save is made by Mark Henry. What the fuck kind of circus is this turning into? A midget, a jackass and now a gorilla? Anyway Verne makes a match between them in case you didn’t see it coming.

Random Commercial Thought: Salvation Army double whammy. No you can’t have my money.

Back to the show. Kofi Kingston comes out for what should be a pretty good match…but gets jumped by Cody Rhodes right away and beat down into the ring steps. Kofi gets up and demands he still go on to fight Orton. Orton’s music hits…and Dibiase attacks, beating the shit out of Kingston’s leg, pulling it over the edge of the ring and dropping elbows. Kingston still demands to fight as Orton approaches looking like a fucking animal that smells blood.

Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton

Kingston is up and hopping around on one foot here. Orton tackles the leg and starts kicking into it, stomping the leg down. Orton continues to wear on Orton, tearing his leg around. He works Kingston into the corner but Kingston rallies back and starts beating him off. Orton fights back and finally just counters with an RKO for the three.
Winner: Orton

Wow, glad I didn’t get to see the version of this match that would have been actually entertaining. Post match, Orton sets Kofi up for his suspended DDT and drops him. Massive heel heat for this at least. I just feel cheated of seeing any matches so far tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Let’s play a game.

Back to the show where Verne is beating MVP with Undertaker at Smackdown vs. Raw. Jillian comes along to sing to them and Henry for some reason. Why are we doing this segment? It turns out Henry can dance according to MVP. He has Jillian sing so he’ll dance and I never thought I’d see Henry humping Jillian…he falls on her….that was actually kind of funny. Verne thinks she’s dead and goes back to playing games. They run down the card for TLC…Ecw gets Shelton Benjamin vs. Christian in a ladder match? Fucking bullshit! Why do I have fucking Sheamus? Cena arrive sin a sports car as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Seriously stop pimping that movie. It’s fucking shit.

Back to the show. Cena says if he loses to Sheamus, he won’t bother to wait for his rematch he’ll use it right away at TLC for a second match. Would you really make us sit through that match twice in one night WWE? Really? Cena goes on to say tonight he goes to war and defends the belt against Sheamus right now. Instead we get Carlito. Uh…I didn’t even know you were still on this show. Where did the rest of his hair go? Carlito says all the superstars of all three brands really want him out of the spotlight and are tired of his stupid gear. Cena demands Carlito to step up if he thinks he’s got what it takes. He strips his gear and Carlito takes a bite of an apple but Cena just punches him in the face first before delivering an FU. Carlito disposed of, Sheamus appears but refuses to approach the ring while Cena seems ready. Instead he just turns around and leaves. Thank god, two of those in one night is too much. They pimp the DX match later and
I swear to god Cole just called them Jerishow.

Random Commercial Thought: Why are we being subjected to Twilight anyway? Couldn’t they just advertise it on Oxygen or something?

Back to the show where Verne Troyer introduces his homies MVP and Henry. MVP rhymes as he talks about how they are going to show The Miz that Henry has personality. So they do so by having him rap. I hit my mute button so fast you would have thought my name is Barry Allen.

Random Commercial Thought: Taco Bell sucks. I said it.

Back to the show. Oh thank god he’s not rapping still. The Miz is already getting in the ring.

US Champion The Miz vs. Mark Henry (Non-title Match)

Miz starts off with big kicks and punches and immediately beats Henry into a corner only to be thrown off. He leaps onto Henry’s back and puts on a sleeper only to be thrown off again. Miz gets the tables turned on him in the corner and eats a clothesline. Henry eats an elbow though trying to send him to the floor and Miz takes out the knee, following up with a kick to the head for two. Miz goes back to the sleeper because it worked so well last time. He gets backed into the corner but dodges the corner charge and delviers some hard blows. Miz delivers a huge running knee in the corner and goes up top. Henry catches him off the top and crushes him with the World’s Strongest Slam for three.
Winner: Henry

Verne decides to dance with the Divas and Henry after the match. Because for some reason all midgets that have ever existed in media are also ladies men. Which is of course absolutely retarded, but it’s comedy! Also Chris Jericho. But now commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I try very hard to avoid any and all things that involve college students.

Back to the show where DX thinks the lawyer last week was just a dream. Hornswoggle comes back to yell at them with subtitles for not showing up in court. Verne approaches Hornswoggle on a scooter and says he should sue them for everything they got. That…was fucking retarded.

Also Chris Jericho. DX is out afterward and Shawn is going to be on the announce table.

Triple H vs. Chris Jericho

Trips is about to hop in the ring when Big Show’s theme hits, distracting him for Jericho to attack from behind as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Burger King has betrayed men everywhere.

Back to the show. Jericho is beating on Trips in the corner and he sends him flying to the floor over the ropes. It seems we have Big Show on the mic now as well. It’s getting crowded over there. Jericho slams Trips into the perfectly legal steel steps. Trips tries to rally back with a huge right but Jericho trips him up for the walls. Trips escapes but back on their feet Jericho trips him up again and bridges over into a pin for two. Now it’s Trips’ turn to come back with a follow through clothesline for a two count of his own. Back on their feet, Jericho counters a pedigree, spinning into a DDT for two. Jericho comes off the ropes but Trips counters with a spine buster for two. Big Show is up now and Michaels gets in his face only to be slung by one hand to his face. The ref is distracted looking at Michaels and Big Show knocks Trips out with a big right. The ref tosses Show from ringside but Michaels super kicks Jericho. The ref ejects him as well and we have both men knocked out completely in the ring while the ref returns. Standing ten count begins and Trips is stirring as is Jericho at an eight count. They both make it up at nine. Jericho tries the code breaker but Trips counters to a pedigree. Jericho trips him up into the Walls but Trips kicks him into the corner, bouncing back into a roll up for three.
Winner: Trips

DX declares next week to be Jericho’s last week on Raw as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Jericho/Trips was pretty much the only real match on the show tonight and even it was kind of a WTF. Divas don’t count.

Lowlight of the Night: Santino and Carlito get buried further for no reason. Both of these segments just pissed me off.

WWE “Creative” Award: Once again, SHEAMUS?! ARE YOU JOKING?! SHEAMUS?!

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.