WWE
RAW RANT:
(11/29/10)
By Cameron Burge
It has come to my
attention that John Cena has been wrestling at house
shows over the last week as “John Cena’s Mexican
cousin Juan Cena” which is quite possibly the most
awesome thing I’ve ever heard if you give him his
entrance music in Spanish.
Raw 11.29.10
The how opens with a video montage of what all happened last week. I love how when Miz’s music starts playing we get a blue tone and the Jimmy Hart version of the Saw theme. We also got to see the demon girl again. But seriously, that was one of the most shameless rip offs of movie music I’ve heard in a while.
The opening video theme ends with a still of Miz holding his bet up high. Tonight is the King of the Ring tournament and we get the theme for it with the robe, crown and throne on the ring entrance. Alex Riley arrives to interrupt things and does that crappy meme of hiding your kids and wife that only bros and hipsters think is funny. He says it’s because Miz is champion and he has been part of WWE history, because this is equivalent to Neil Armstrong landing on the moon. Punk is back on the mic with us tonight, which is awesome. Speaking of which, Alex talks some shit on Punk, and says tonight is going A-Rye and it’s going to be awesome. He gets a non reaction for this, because people would have cared if it was actually Miz giving this promo.
It’s amusing that Alberto’s ring announcer gets his own announcement. He’s sporting a black eye from Big Show on Smackdown in which Show got counted out to punch him in the face. Punk amusingly has a suit jacket with the sales tag still on it. Del Rio is taking on Bryan.
US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Alberto Del Rio
Rio starts off on the aggressive and kicks Bryan around. He puts him to the mat with a headlock take down and gets rolled into a pin for only one. Rio shoves him down and cleans his hands so Bryan dropkicks him off his feet. Bryan picks up a one count off that for some reason before being tripped into a turnbuckle. Rio uses a spine buster and goes for a pin, but Bryan draws him into the LaBell Lock. Rio manages to scrambe to the ropes quickly and prevent the hold, diving to the floor for a breather.
Random Commercial Thought: Last image on my screen is Rio, followed by the words “Mexican bred” for a Taco Bell commercial.
What a surprise, Bryan is losing now. He got kicked in the head on the ring apron. Rio is picking up a two count and starts kneeing him in the back of the head, lessons from the Sheamus school of wrestling. Rio picks up another two count and works a headlock. Bryan dodges a top rope move from Rio and rolls him up off the ropes for a two count. Bryan picks up another two off of a side roll and flips over Rio in the corner. Bryan german suplexes Rio for two. Rio catches him in the jaw, but runs into a sharp kick from Bryan hulks up it seems and delivers a running dropkick into the corner on rio for two again. Bryan starts kick at his chest repeatedly, but Rio ducks a clothesline, wrapping around into a German suplex of his own for two.
Bryan dodges a dropkick at the ropes, sending Rio into the floor. He manages to land on his face but takes a suicide dive. Bryan seems to hurt his shoulder on the landing and Alberto dodges the missile dropkick back in the ring, leaving Bryan rolling on his arm for Rio’s armbar finisher to pick up the tap out victory.
Winner: Rio
They do a recap of several of the King of the ring winners in Edge, Stone Cold, Triple H, Bret Hart, Brock Lesnar, who they surprisingly bother to mention his name. King says we all know what he’s gone on to do (sell buck bomb?) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Why don’t they just sell breast implants on TV?
R-Truth hits the stage without Eve for once. I guess she was tired of being the ghetto booty bitch. On an unrelated note, did anyone see Hulk Hogan completely bury the business on TNA Reaction some time ago? Fucking bullshit promo. Look it up. Truth talks about how Cena went out like a man, but the war hasn’t even started yet and he challenges any member of Nexus to come and take him on in a match. I just saved you three minutes of unintelligible talking. Mike McGillicutty gets shoved out of the Nexus locker room. I mean that literally. He was shoved right in front of Josh Matthews and says he’s gonna show Truth what happens and then runs the camera guy over….and gets his ass beat off camera by a guy in jean shorts with purple wristbands that certainly wasn’t Cena.
So….this is assault now, right?
Random Commercial Thought: Yeah, you don’t look like an idiot telling your phone to do things instead of hitting the buttons.
Cody Rhodes is out as we return (I guess Truth just decided to call it a night. All he did was rap, then challenge someone to a match and not have one). I love his entrance. It’s fucking hilarious. He’s taking on Morrison in this KotR match.
John Morrison vs. Cody Rhodes
Morrison starts off with some shoulder block, but takes a kick from Rhodes. Rhodes forces him to the corner and Punk mentions that Cody and Patterson have a lot in common. King asks what that is and he says he’ll leave it to he imagination. He sucks dicks. Just thought I would help you out. Rhodes throws a fit at ringside after hitting his face in the corner. Morrison tries to capitalize, but Rhodes takes over. Rhodes pick up a two count off of a series of knees to the guts. Morrison fights free of a rest hold, but Rhodes is having none of that and goes for another one. Morrison fights free again with big rights and uppercuts.
Morrison hits some clotheslines and a side dropkick for two, but Rhodes ducks the follow up running knee to get a roll up for two. Both guys try to leap off the ropes, but Morrison holds onto his while Rhodes jumps back off for Beautiful Disaster, finding no one and looking confused, so he eats the flash kick. Morrison finishes it off with a knee to the temple.
Winner: Morrison
Miss USA is here apparently and will crown the King of the Ring. Oh yay? Promising me more titties on a show with lots of titties already isn’t that much of a draw, guys.
Random Commercial Thought: The windshield shop, more than just windshield. We do car windows too! (In retrospect, our business name is fucking stupid)
Back to the show. Drew McIntyre is out to get annihilated by Ezekiel Jackson. Punk and King remark about Jackson surprisingly getting by Alex Riley, which Cole plays straight. I think I like this new dynamic. It makes Cole more tolerable.
Ezekiel Jackson vs. Drew McIntyre
Drew gets into the corner and taunts, dodging a charge from Jackson and taunting some more. He saps him in the face and Jackson decks him with a few forearm shots. Does he fight the entirety of his matches with that one arm? He does the wind up clothesline in the corner and picks up a two count out of a splash in the corner. Jackson gets worked over the turnbuckle in the corner while all three announcers insult each other. Drew picks up a two count and delivers a sharp clothesline on Jackson. Drew taunts and gets charged to the floor by Jackson starts fighting him down the aisle and runs into a kick. For some reason there is a little step stool for Drew to jump off of. He and Jackson brawl, but Drew holds onto his foot to keep Jackson from making it back to the ring.
Winner: Double DQ
Ezekiel counters a future shock DDT after the match and chucks Drew to the floor. The winner of Kingston and Sheamus gets a buy now. Way to drop a match from he show to save time…on a fucking THREE HOUR PROGRAM. The Bella Twins start coming onto Bryan in the back, rguing over him again when Alex asks why they are flirting with the nerd when they are in charge of the Diva dancing later. He gets a call from Miz. Alex says Bryan has nothing, since all of that could have been his. Bryan looks at his belt and says he’s doing okay before Riley wander off, leaving them all looking confused as to why he’s getting more screen time than Miz this week.
Random Commercial Thought: Characters unite. Soon Master Chief and Mario will be friends.
Cole compares Miz to Rocky as we see the Rocky statue (the show is coming to us from Philadelphian, I’m sure you care). Even though we blew several minutes at the beginning of the show with it, they run the same video package again. It hasn’t even been an hour since they ran it. King says Orton is injured after the match last week and won’t be here as Miz finally joins us.
Oh my God….that suit is hard to look at with my eyes. Could have stood to go with a normal one. Cole gives a standing ovation and hoots (I’m serious) while jumping up and down. Miz says he decided not to do the celebration and didn’t need the pyros or balloons or streamers. Not because we were too cheap to do that, but because he doesn’t need it. He then says what sums it all up for him…is a series of reaction shots of that Demon Girl. I love you, Miz. He calls her the girl that will forever be known as the Miz Girl and wants to thank her. Miz says he’ll be the longest raining champion of all time and that if you take away anything from this, when someone tells you that you can’t do something or live your dream, you better believe them because you can’t. The Miz is better than us. That was really funny.
Miz goes on about how Piper, Steamboat and Mr. Perfect were never WWE champions (and pimps the WWE Championship History book) and that he’s a step above them because he’s a badass. King interrupts him to say he’s on the list of Hall of Famers never to win the belt. He says Miz beat a guy who was beaten by seven others and isn’t awesome, just cleaver. Miz calls him bitter old man. Cole tells him to stop and says he’s been downplaying Miz, calling him a fluke and tells King to relax and let him have his moment. King agrees to sit back down and says Miz should prove he’s a champion by calling someone out for a title shot. Cole says King might e that guy if he doesn’t stop. I really want to watch King hit Michael Cole.
King says he’s been in the WWE since 1993 without a title match, and would like one now. I…do not want to see this. Miz says that’s a great idea but isn’t interested in defending his title tonight. King says he may be a champion, but he’s a coward and not awesome. Miz starts to talk back when the GM interrupts things. The GM congratulates Miz and makes the Main Event into Miz vs. King for the WWE Title…..WHY?! Why would you do that to me?! FUCK YOU, GM! The GM makes the main event a TLV match as a countdown for the TLC PPV. Why did I just have to type that?
Random Commercial Thought: Anyone else notice they don’t use much pyro any more?
Speaking of Pyro, Kofi gets some. He’s the only person to get any tonight so far.
Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston
Sheamus sends Kofi to the floor, but Kofi scrambles back into the ring and hits some kicks. Sheamus stops him short with a tilt a whirl side slam. Punk makes a funny comment that King Kofi Kingston is not such a good thing with the initial but has a good ring to it (I’m actually laughing out loud). Sheamus works a chin lock, but Kingston fights free and kicks him to the corner. Kofi strikes him over the chest and hit’s a dropkick before setting up the Boom Drop for two. Kofi misses Sheamus in corner with a leap and Sheamus counters it into the high cross. Kofi slips free and decks him with Trouble in Paradise. Sheamus holds onto the ring apron to keep from being dragged to where he could be pinned until he recovers. He slams Kofi to the corner who flips a kick out of the corner and goes up top only to eat the pump kick that he didn’t even have time to put his foot up. He just sort of shuffled in place. Nice botch. I can’t believe they replayed it.
Winner: Sheamus
I recently ran into a group of people who told me Sheamus is awesome in the ring and not fucking clownshoes. Yeah….um…yeah….
Random Commercial Thought: Mexican Wrestling in town (that’s what it’s called, no joke).
Back to the show for a match with the tag team champions who are taking on Henry and Evan Bourne Lite (Tatsu)
Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry vs. WWE Tag Team Champion Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (Non-Title Match)
Tatsu gets crushed in the corner by Nexus who just keep trading out. The crowd gets super hype during this match as John Cena appears in the crowd with tickets. Why does he have like three tickets? Cena has a front row seat…in an area that isn’t actually a normal seat. Tatsu is being worked over by Slater. (Cena: “Come on, Yoshi! Can I ride you?!” I might have made up part of that). Henry gets the tag and hit’s a big splash on Slater. Gabriel break it up and Tatsu takes him to the floor. Slater kicks Henry out o the corner and goes up top, stopping to taunt Cena. He then leaps off the top into the World’s Strongest Slam
Winner: Cena
Cena comes to ringside, clears the announce table and FUs Slater through a table. Security for this arena must suck. The rest of Nexus chase him off. Punk complains that he spilled his diet soda and says they have the worst security too.
Random Commercial Thought: I steal sports cars from other companies all the time.
They replay what happened earlier tonight with Cena as Punk says he’s called the cops. Otunga is talking to the others (Nexus got new shirts) and saying they are sitting ducks. Wade says he’s going to call Cena out and then they’ll get their hands on him. Elsewhere, King is unpacking his ring gear when Arn Anderson comes in to say he just heard. He says the TLC matches are easy to get hurt in and King says he’s never been in one, but he can’t pass up a title shot. If he wins, I’m not going to watch this show ever again.
Cole says there is no way King could win the match, or even walk out alive. Punk says he believes King could take it. Apparently they have to sit announce without a table for an hour and a half now.
Rio’s announcer gets announced again and Rio rides out in his car again to take on Morrison but first some commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Need to get me some CODBLOPS.
John Morrison vs. Alberto Del Rio
Morrison dances around with Rio. Also Mabel is brought up. Morrison kicks out of the corner on Rio, but Rio powers him down. Rio starts stomping on him and picks up a two count and works an arm bar. Morrison escapes a rest hold and does a little dance into a forearm shot before hitting his side dropkick for two. Rio and Morrison trade waist locks and delivers an arm breaker over the knees. Rio taunts and takes his time before hitting his running enziguiri in the corner. A horn starts honking as we see Rey Mysterio come out of the top of his car, allowing a flash kick from behind.
Winner: Morrison
Yeah, who would want to see one of the superstars who needs more momentum to get to win this tournament? We should instead give away another Survivor Series match for free. Who pays for PPVs anymore?
Random Commercial Thought: Onlive is a good idea, poor execution.
Wade enters the ring after yet another replay of Cena helping Orton. Wade says he’s the only one who can hire Cena back according to the GM. He says he sees through Cena’s plan to make him hire him back in order to get revenge. He guarantees Cena will never work again in WWE because Nexus is waiting for him now. Cena interrupts him on the Titantron….uh….security? Police? He says he promised to take out Nexus one by one. Wade calls out security but Cena reveals they don’t want to help Nexus because Nexus beat their asses once. Nexus then corner Cena in the parking lot, but he reveals that the superstars (Darren young, Kozlov, Tatsu, Jackson, David Hart Smith, and Henry) are on his side as they attack from behind. Gabriel’s head goes through a car window and he takes the FU through the hood. Cena says he’ll see him next week, because he’s not stopping until he gets everyone.
So, WWE security is useless…what about arena security? What about those police?
Random Commercial Thought: It’s snowing chicken. It’s a very ghetto Christmas.
Punk reminds us this is illegal as we return to a clip of Cena’s attack. Maryse is out with Tamina and Alicia Fox. This gets us a replay of Santino and Tamina from last week before the face divas arrive.
Natalya & Melina & Gail Kim vs. Tamina & Alicia Fox & Maryse
Melina is rocking some Cher hair. She gets up in Maryse’s face who slaps her. They tackle each other and pull hair. Melina chases Maryse and grabs her by the hair from the apron. Maryse delivers a jaw buster to pick up two. Alicia tags in and starts kicking and pounding on Melina. Melina knocks her back onto her knees in an awkward spot as Santino arrives with an acoustic guitar to sing I Think We’re Alone Now to Tamina. She carries him off with her. Alicia and Maryse look utterly confused. Cole makes a good point in saying time has stopped. Natalya tags in and crushes Alicia with clotheslines and scoop slam. She goes for the sharpshooter but Maryse breaks it up. Gail breaks it up and Alicia sets up for the scissor kick only to be tripped back into the sharpshooter.
Winners: Natalya and friends
How many times has Alicia lost to the sharp shooter now? Fifty? Quit reminding me Jerry Lawler is wrestling for the title tonight. Also it’s his birthday. Random. Jerry gets a career montage (needs more Survivor) before we see him loosening up in the back which equates to lightly rocking his knee back and forth and hoping it doesn’t disintegrate under the pressure.
Random Commercial Thought: you tube is pissing me off.
Ted is in the back playing with a toy belt that plays Triple H’s entrance theme. Maryse comes in and talks shit on him for playing with it instead of winning a real belt. She comes in and then gets told before he just leaves. Otunga and Harris are in some back hallway talking about how they are going to get their asses kicked unless Wade caves. Otunga says he thinks he has a plan to stop this. Josh Matthews introduces Morrison and Sheamus in the back for an interview. Sheamus says he won’t be fucking up and allowing a win again and Morrison hurt his arm and has wrestled twice, so this is all his.
Random Commercial Thought: Cabellas would be better with zombies.
I find out in yet another two weeks there will be another three hour Raw for the Slammy Awards. Okay, this is getting fucking annoying. Santino accompanies Miss USA out. Did Tamina Tran morph into her? She introduces Sheamus and Morrison with all of the acting talent of a piece of wood. Though that’s probably far from the only wood present right now.
Sheamus vs. John Morrison (King of the Ring Finals)
Morrison fights out of an arm breaker, but Sheamus kicks him back down and slams the arm on the mat. Sheamus drags him around by the arm and works an arm bar on the ground. Morrison punches his way free and tries for the flash kick, but Sheamus trips him off the ropes and launches Morrison to the floor with a running knee to the head.
Random Commercial Thought: I fire my missiles at restaurants for the hell of it.
Sheamus is still beating Morrison down. He works an arm lock that I don’t really know the name of. So trust me that it’s a rest hold. Morrison tries to fight free and finally manages to get to his feet. Sheamus pummels him back, but Morrison blocks and comes into his series of clotheslines and the side dropkick. Morrison picks up two before sending Sheamus to the corner. Morrison mounts Sheamus in the corner and gets chucked off onto his arm. Morrison baseball slides under Sheamus’ kick, but eats a clothesline as Sheamus whirls around for two.
Sheamus signals the High Cross and takes his time before hoisting Morrison up who slips free and counters to a backslide. Sheamus blocks and flips him over, shoving Morrison to the corner. Morrison catches him with an elbow and flips out of the side slam into a tornado DDT. There used to be someone who did that wrap around style of DDT as their finisher, but I don’t recall who it is. Sheamus tries to slam Morrison to the ring post on the apron but eats a kick. Morrison climbs up top and is pulled off by his arm for two. Sheamus goes back to an arm bar.
Sheamus knees the arm when Morrison ties to fight out and slams him back down into the arm bar again. Morrison flips through to escape and kicks Sheamus in the head. Sheamus drags him up, but Morrison backflips into a kick and goes for Starship Pain right into Sheamus knees. Sheamus crushes him with the pump kick. Sheamus drags Morrison up for the High Cross and picks up the win.
Winner: Sheamus
So Sheamus is King of the Ring, joining the hallowed halls of such men as Mable and Don Moraco. Sheamus gives a funny speech about the high kings of Ireland and declares Long Live the King. That scepter is ridiculous.
Random Commercial Thought: I have a match schedules against someone in Brawl in which is I lose, I have to watch the John Cena 3-Disc twice in a row with no break.
Back to the show where they somehow found six ladders on ever so short notice to put around the ring. It’s as if they knew there would be a TLC match! Miz doesn’t come out with the title as it is already hanging above the ring, but Alex Riley brought the Money in the Bank briefcase with him for some reason.
WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. Jerry The King Lawler (WWE Title TLC Match)
Punk starts this off by telling Cole to shut the fuck up in insulting King. Miz forces Lawler to the corner. They tie up again and Miz delivers a scoop slam before taunting Lawler. Lawler ties up again and scoop slams him instead. This has to suck for Miz. First title match is against a fossil. Miz kicks away at Lawler and beats him down. Lawler is awkwardly tossed to the floor where Riley provides Miz with a chair to slam on King’s back. Miz tosses some chairs into the ring and tosses him back in. Miz sets up chairs facing each other and goes to suplex King onto the chairs, but Miz escapes and King stumbles back awkwardly before taking a back breaker into neck breaker on the chair.
Miz pummels Lawler some more before Riley gathers a ladder for him. Alex takes forever and Miz eats several chair shots from behind by King. Alex sees this and hilariously decides to put the ladder back and set it back up. Lawler fetches a ladder and cuts riley off with a ring hand before going back to the ladder. Miz takes it in the chin when trying to take it away. King charges the corner with the ladder, but Miz dodges. Miz almost gets Irish whipped into the ladder, but he stops short only to take a back body drop onto it. King charges his power fist, but Alex riley clotheslines him from the apron. King blocks a suplex attempt by riley to the floor and right hands him through the table on the floor.
Jerry chants build up. King sets up a ladder and starts to climb it but he hasn’t been on a NordicTrack in years. Miz blocks him and tosses him off. Punk calls him a retard for not climbing the ladder while Lawler eats a suplex onto a chair. Miz grabs the chair and whacks him on the back. Miz goes up top with the chair, but is wracked on the top turnbuckle by Lawler. Lawler tries for a superplex, but Miz head butts his way free only to get a double axe handle from King and fall through the other table to the floor. The ladder is still set up and Cole leaves the desk to go cheer on Miz and try to pull him out of the table wreckage. Jerry is halfway up the ladder and Cole pulls him down by the feet.
King gets up in his face and chases him around the ring. Cole backpeddles and says he didn’t mean it. King finally decks him flat and mounts for more punches while Miz climbs the ladder behind him. King turns and climbs the ladder two, punching away. Miz is hanging onto the title as King punches away at him, but Miz finally punches him back off and pulls it down.
Winner: Miz
Query: What the fuck is this match building to? A Cole/King feud? I’m not interested.
Highlight of the Night: Sheamus and Morrison put on the best match overall, but there was lots of good wrestling on tonight.
Lowlight of the Night: The Main Event was fucking Jerry Lawler vs. The Miz for the WWE Title in a TLC Match. Just think about that. Really.
WWE “Creative” Award: I. Do. Not. Care. About. Michael. Cole.
Raw 11.29.10
The how opens with a video montage of what all happened last week. I love how when Miz’s music starts playing we get a blue tone and the Jimmy Hart version of the Saw theme. We also got to see the demon girl again. But seriously, that was one of the most shameless rip offs of movie music I’ve heard in a while.
The opening video theme ends with a still of Miz holding his bet up high. Tonight is the King of the Ring tournament and we get the theme for it with the robe, crown and throne on the ring entrance. Alex Riley arrives to interrupt things and does that crappy meme of hiding your kids and wife that only bros and hipsters think is funny. He says it’s because Miz is champion and he has been part of WWE history, because this is equivalent to Neil Armstrong landing on the moon. Punk is back on the mic with us tonight, which is awesome. Speaking of which, Alex talks some shit on Punk, and says tonight is going A-Rye and it’s going to be awesome. He gets a non reaction for this, because people would have cared if it was actually Miz giving this promo.
It’s amusing that Alberto’s ring announcer gets his own announcement. He’s sporting a black eye from Big Show on Smackdown in which Show got counted out to punch him in the face. Punk amusingly has a suit jacket with the sales tag still on it. Del Rio is taking on Bryan.
US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Alberto Del Rio
Rio starts off on the aggressive and kicks Bryan around. He puts him to the mat with a headlock take down and gets rolled into a pin for only one. Rio shoves him down and cleans his hands so Bryan dropkicks him off his feet. Bryan picks up a one count off that for some reason before being tripped into a turnbuckle. Rio uses a spine buster and goes for a pin, but Bryan draws him into the LaBell Lock. Rio manages to scrambe to the ropes quickly and prevent the hold, diving to the floor for a breather.
Random Commercial Thought: Last image on my screen is Rio, followed by the words “Mexican bred” for a Taco Bell commercial.
What a surprise, Bryan is losing now. He got kicked in the head on the ring apron. Rio is picking up a two count and starts kneeing him in the back of the head, lessons from the Sheamus school of wrestling. Rio picks up another two count and works a headlock. Bryan dodges a top rope move from Rio and rolls him up off the ropes for a two count. Bryan picks up another two off of a side roll and flips over Rio in the corner. Bryan german suplexes Rio for two. Rio catches him in the jaw, but runs into a sharp kick from Bryan hulks up it seems and delivers a running dropkick into the corner on rio for two again. Bryan starts kick at his chest repeatedly, but Rio ducks a clothesline, wrapping around into a German suplex of his own for two.
Bryan dodges a dropkick at the ropes, sending Rio into the floor. He manages to land on his face but takes a suicide dive. Bryan seems to hurt his shoulder on the landing and Alberto dodges the missile dropkick back in the ring, leaving Bryan rolling on his arm for Rio’s armbar finisher to pick up the tap out victory.
Winner: Rio
They do a recap of several of the King of the ring winners in Edge, Stone Cold, Triple H, Bret Hart, Brock Lesnar, who they surprisingly bother to mention his name. King says we all know what he’s gone on to do (sell buck bomb?) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Why don’t they just sell breast implants on TV?
R-Truth hits the stage without Eve for once. I guess she was tired of being the ghetto booty bitch. On an unrelated note, did anyone see Hulk Hogan completely bury the business on TNA Reaction some time ago? Fucking bullshit promo. Look it up. Truth talks about how Cena went out like a man, but the war hasn’t even started yet and he challenges any member of Nexus to come and take him on in a match. I just saved you three minutes of unintelligible talking. Mike McGillicutty gets shoved out of the Nexus locker room. I mean that literally. He was shoved right in front of Josh Matthews and says he’s gonna show Truth what happens and then runs the camera guy over….and gets his ass beat off camera by a guy in jean shorts with purple wristbands that certainly wasn’t Cena.
So….this is assault now, right?
Random Commercial Thought: Yeah, you don’t look like an idiot telling your phone to do things instead of hitting the buttons.
Cody Rhodes is out as we return (I guess Truth just decided to call it a night. All he did was rap, then challenge someone to a match and not have one). I love his entrance. It’s fucking hilarious. He’s taking on Morrison in this KotR match.
John Morrison vs. Cody Rhodes
Morrison starts off with some shoulder block, but takes a kick from Rhodes. Rhodes forces him to the corner and Punk mentions that Cody and Patterson have a lot in common. King asks what that is and he says he’ll leave it to he imagination. He sucks dicks. Just thought I would help you out. Rhodes throws a fit at ringside after hitting his face in the corner. Morrison tries to capitalize, but Rhodes takes over. Rhodes pick up a two count off of a series of knees to the guts. Morrison fights free of a rest hold, but Rhodes is having none of that and goes for another one. Morrison fights free again with big rights and uppercuts.
Morrison hits some clotheslines and a side dropkick for two, but Rhodes ducks the follow up running knee to get a roll up for two. Both guys try to leap off the ropes, but Morrison holds onto his while Rhodes jumps back off for Beautiful Disaster, finding no one and looking confused, so he eats the flash kick. Morrison finishes it off with a knee to the temple.
Winner: Morrison
Miss USA is here apparently and will crown the King of the Ring. Oh yay? Promising me more titties on a show with lots of titties already isn’t that much of a draw, guys.
Random Commercial Thought: The windshield shop, more than just windshield. We do car windows too! (In retrospect, our business name is fucking stupid)
Back to the show. Drew McIntyre is out to get annihilated by Ezekiel Jackson. Punk and King remark about Jackson surprisingly getting by Alex Riley, which Cole plays straight. I think I like this new dynamic. It makes Cole more tolerable.
Ezekiel Jackson vs. Drew McIntyre
Drew gets into the corner and taunts, dodging a charge from Jackson and taunting some more. He saps him in the face and Jackson decks him with a few forearm shots. Does he fight the entirety of his matches with that one arm? He does the wind up clothesline in the corner and picks up a two count out of a splash in the corner. Jackson gets worked over the turnbuckle in the corner while all three announcers insult each other. Drew picks up a two count and delivers a sharp clothesline on Jackson. Drew taunts and gets charged to the floor by Jackson starts fighting him down the aisle and runs into a kick. For some reason there is a little step stool for Drew to jump off of. He and Jackson brawl, but Drew holds onto his foot to keep Jackson from making it back to the ring.
Winner: Double DQ
Ezekiel counters a future shock DDT after the match and chucks Drew to the floor. The winner of Kingston and Sheamus gets a buy now. Way to drop a match from he show to save time…on a fucking THREE HOUR PROGRAM. The Bella Twins start coming onto Bryan in the back, rguing over him again when Alex asks why they are flirting with the nerd when they are in charge of the Diva dancing later. He gets a call from Miz. Alex says Bryan has nothing, since all of that could have been his. Bryan looks at his belt and says he’s doing okay before Riley wander off, leaving them all looking confused as to why he’s getting more screen time than Miz this week.
Random Commercial Thought: Characters unite. Soon Master Chief and Mario will be friends.
Cole compares Miz to Rocky as we see the Rocky statue (the show is coming to us from Philadelphian, I’m sure you care). Even though we blew several minutes at the beginning of the show with it, they run the same video package again. It hasn’t even been an hour since they ran it. King says Orton is injured after the match last week and won’t be here as Miz finally joins us.
Oh my God….that suit is hard to look at with my eyes. Could have stood to go with a normal one. Cole gives a standing ovation and hoots (I’m serious) while jumping up and down. Miz says he decided not to do the celebration and didn’t need the pyros or balloons or streamers. Not because we were too cheap to do that, but because he doesn’t need it. He then says what sums it all up for him…is a series of reaction shots of that Demon Girl. I love you, Miz. He calls her the girl that will forever be known as the Miz Girl and wants to thank her. Miz says he’ll be the longest raining champion of all time and that if you take away anything from this, when someone tells you that you can’t do something or live your dream, you better believe them because you can’t. The Miz is better than us. That was really funny.
Miz goes on about how Piper, Steamboat and Mr. Perfect were never WWE champions (and pimps the WWE Championship History book) and that he’s a step above them because he’s a badass. King interrupts him to say he’s on the list of Hall of Famers never to win the belt. He says Miz beat a guy who was beaten by seven others and isn’t awesome, just cleaver. Miz calls him bitter old man. Cole tells him to stop and says he’s been downplaying Miz, calling him a fluke and tells King to relax and let him have his moment. King agrees to sit back down and says Miz should prove he’s a champion by calling someone out for a title shot. Cole says King might e that guy if he doesn’t stop. I really want to watch King hit Michael Cole.
King says he’s been in the WWE since 1993 without a title match, and would like one now. I…do not want to see this. Miz says that’s a great idea but isn’t interested in defending his title tonight. King says he may be a champion, but he’s a coward and not awesome. Miz starts to talk back when the GM interrupts things. The GM congratulates Miz and makes the Main Event into Miz vs. King for the WWE Title…..WHY?! Why would you do that to me?! FUCK YOU, GM! The GM makes the main event a TLV match as a countdown for the TLC PPV. Why did I just have to type that?
Random Commercial Thought: Anyone else notice they don’t use much pyro any more?
Speaking of Pyro, Kofi gets some. He’s the only person to get any tonight so far.
Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston
Sheamus sends Kofi to the floor, but Kofi scrambles back into the ring and hits some kicks. Sheamus stops him short with a tilt a whirl side slam. Punk makes a funny comment that King Kofi Kingston is not such a good thing with the initial but has a good ring to it (I’m actually laughing out loud). Sheamus works a chin lock, but Kingston fights free and kicks him to the corner. Kofi strikes him over the chest and hit’s a dropkick before setting up the Boom Drop for two. Kofi misses Sheamus in corner with a leap and Sheamus counters it into the high cross. Kofi slips free and decks him with Trouble in Paradise. Sheamus holds onto the ring apron to keep from being dragged to where he could be pinned until he recovers. He slams Kofi to the corner who flips a kick out of the corner and goes up top only to eat the pump kick that he didn’t even have time to put his foot up. He just sort of shuffled in place. Nice botch. I can’t believe they replayed it.
Winner: Sheamus
I recently ran into a group of people who told me Sheamus is awesome in the ring and not fucking clownshoes. Yeah….um…yeah….
Random Commercial Thought: Mexican Wrestling in town (that’s what it’s called, no joke).
Back to the show for a match with the tag team champions who are taking on Henry and Evan Bourne Lite (Tatsu)
Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry vs. WWE Tag Team Champion Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (Non-Title Match)
Tatsu gets crushed in the corner by Nexus who just keep trading out. The crowd gets super hype during this match as John Cena appears in the crowd with tickets. Why does he have like three tickets? Cena has a front row seat…in an area that isn’t actually a normal seat. Tatsu is being worked over by Slater. (Cena: “Come on, Yoshi! Can I ride you?!” I might have made up part of that). Henry gets the tag and hit’s a big splash on Slater. Gabriel break it up and Tatsu takes him to the floor. Slater kicks Henry out o the corner and goes up top, stopping to taunt Cena. He then leaps off the top into the World’s Strongest Slam
Winner: Cena
Cena comes to ringside, clears the announce table and FUs Slater through a table. Security for this arena must suck. The rest of Nexus chase him off. Punk complains that he spilled his diet soda and says they have the worst security too.
Random Commercial Thought: I steal sports cars from other companies all the time.
They replay what happened earlier tonight with Cena as Punk says he’s called the cops. Otunga is talking to the others (Nexus got new shirts) and saying they are sitting ducks. Wade says he’s going to call Cena out and then they’ll get their hands on him. Elsewhere, King is unpacking his ring gear when Arn Anderson comes in to say he just heard. He says the TLC matches are easy to get hurt in and King says he’s never been in one, but he can’t pass up a title shot. If he wins, I’m not going to watch this show ever again.
Cole says there is no way King could win the match, or even walk out alive. Punk says he believes King could take it. Apparently they have to sit announce without a table for an hour and a half now.
Rio’s announcer gets announced again and Rio rides out in his car again to take on Morrison but first some commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Need to get me some CODBLOPS.
John Morrison vs. Alberto Del Rio
Morrison dances around with Rio. Also Mabel is brought up. Morrison kicks out of the corner on Rio, but Rio powers him down. Rio starts stomping on him and picks up a two count and works an arm bar. Morrison escapes a rest hold and does a little dance into a forearm shot before hitting his side dropkick for two. Rio and Morrison trade waist locks and delivers an arm breaker over the knees. Rio taunts and takes his time before hitting his running enziguiri in the corner. A horn starts honking as we see Rey Mysterio come out of the top of his car, allowing a flash kick from behind.
Winner: Morrison
Yeah, who would want to see one of the superstars who needs more momentum to get to win this tournament? We should instead give away another Survivor Series match for free. Who pays for PPVs anymore?
Random Commercial Thought: Onlive is a good idea, poor execution.
Wade enters the ring after yet another replay of Cena helping Orton. Wade says he’s the only one who can hire Cena back according to the GM. He says he sees through Cena’s plan to make him hire him back in order to get revenge. He guarantees Cena will never work again in WWE because Nexus is waiting for him now. Cena interrupts him on the Titantron….uh….security? Police? He says he promised to take out Nexus one by one. Wade calls out security but Cena reveals they don’t want to help Nexus because Nexus beat their asses once. Nexus then corner Cena in the parking lot, but he reveals that the superstars (Darren young, Kozlov, Tatsu, Jackson, David Hart Smith, and Henry) are on his side as they attack from behind. Gabriel’s head goes through a car window and he takes the FU through the hood. Cena says he’ll see him next week, because he’s not stopping until he gets everyone.
So, WWE security is useless…what about arena security? What about those police?
Random Commercial Thought: It’s snowing chicken. It’s a very ghetto Christmas.
Punk reminds us this is illegal as we return to a clip of Cena’s attack. Maryse is out with Tamina and Alicia Fox. This gets us a replay of Santino and Tamina from last week before the face divas arrive.
Natalya & Melina & Gail Kim vs. Tamina & Alicia Fox & Maryse
Melina is rocking some Cher hair. She gets up in Maryse’s face who slaps her. They tackle each other and pull hair. Melina chases Maryse and grabs her by the hair from the apron. Maryse delivers a jaw buster to pick up two. Alicia tags in and starts kicking and pounding on Melina. Melina knocks her back onto her knees in an awkward spot as Santino arrives with an acoustic guitar to sing I Think We’re Alone Now to Tamina. She carries him off with her. Alicia and Maryse look utterly confused. Cole makes a good point in saying time has stopped. Natalya tags in and crushes Alicia with clotheslines and scoop slam. She goes for the sharpshooter but Maryse breaks it up. Gail breaks it up and Alicia sets up for the scissor kick only to be tripped back into the sharpshooter.
Winners: Natalya and friends
How many times has Alicia lost to the sharp shooter now? Fifty? Quit reminding me Jerry Lawler is wrestling for the title tonight. Also it’s his birthday. Random. Jerry gets a career montage (needs more Survivor) before we see him loosening up in the back which equates to lightly rocking his knee back and forth and hoping it doesn’t disintegrate under the pressure.
Random Commercial Thought: you tube is pissing me off.
Ted is in the back playing with a toy belt that plays Triple H’s entrance theme. Maryse comes in and talks shit on him for playing with it instead of winning a real belt. She comes in and then gets told before he just leaves. Otunga and Harris are in some back hallway talking about how they are going to get their asses kicked unless Wade caves. Otunga says he thinks he has a plan to stop this. Josh Matthews introduces Morrison and Sheamus in the back for an interview. Sheamus says he won’t be fucking up and allowing a win again and Morrison hurt his arm and has wrestled twice, so this is all his.
Random Commercial Thought: Cabellas would be better with zombies.
I find out in yet another two weeks there will be another three hour Raw for the Slammy Awards. Okay, this is getting fucking annoying. Santino accompanies Miss USA out. Did Tamina Tran morph into her? She introduces Sheamus and Morrison with all of the acting talent of a piece of wood. Though that’s probably far from the only wood present right now.
Sheamus vs. John Morrison (King of the Ring Finals)
Morrison fights out of an arm breaker, but Sheamus kicks him back down and slams the arm on the mat. Sheamus drags him around by the arm and works an arm bar on the ground. Morrison punches his way free and tries for the flash kick, but Sheamus trips him off the ropes and launches Morrison to the floor with a running knee to the head.
Random Commercial Thought: I fire my missiles at restaurants for the hell of it.
Sheamus is still beating Morrison down. He works an arm lock that I don’t really know the name of. So trust me that it’s a rest hold. Morrison tries to fight free and finally manages to get to his feet. Sheamus pummels him back, but Morrison blocks and comes into his series of clotheslines and the side dropkick. Morrison picks up two before sending Sheamus to the corner. Morrison mounts Sheamus in the corner and gets chucked off onto his arm. Morrison baseball slides under Sheamus’ kick, but eats a clothesline as Sheamus whirls around for two.
Sheamus signals the High Cross and takes his time before hoisting Morrison up who slips free and counters to a backslide. Sheamus blocks and flips him over, shoving Morrison to the corner. Morrison catches him with an elbow and flips out of the side slam into a tornado DDT. There used to be someone who did that wrap around style of DDT as their finisher, but I don’t recall who it is. Sheamus tries to slam Morrison to the ring post on the apron but eats a kick. Morrison climbs up top and is pulled off by his arm for two. Sheamus goes back to an arm bar.
Sheamus knees the arm when Morrison ties to fight out and slams him back down into the arm bar again. Morrison flips through to escape and kicks Sheamus in the head. Sheamus drags him up, but Morrison backflips into a kick and goes for Starship Pain right into Sheamus knees. Sheamus crushes him with the pump kick. Sheamus drags Morrison up for the High Cross and picks up the win.
Winner: Sheamus
So Sheamus is King of the Ring, joining the hallowed halls of such men as Mable and Don Moraco. Sheamus gives a funny speech about the high kings of Ireland and declares Long Live the King. That scepter is ridiculous.
Random Commercial Thought: I have a match schedules against someone in Brawl in which is I lose, I have to watch the John Cena 3-Disc twice in a row with no break.
Back to the show where they somehow found six ladders on ever so short notice to put around the ring. It’s as if they knew there would be a TLC match! Miz doesn’t come out with the title as it is already hanging above the ring, but Alex Riley brought the Money in the Bank briefcase with him for some reason.
WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. Jerry The King Lawler (WWE Title TLC Match)
Punk starts this off by telling Cole to shut the fuck up in insulting King. Miz forces Lawler to the corner. They tie up again and Miz delivers a scoop slam before taunting Lawler. Lawler ties up again and scoop slams him instead. This has to suck for Miz. First title match is against a fossil. Miz kicks away at Lawler and beats him down. Lawler is awkwardly tossed to the floor where Riley provides Miz with a chair to slam on King’s back. Miz tosses some chairs into the ring and tosses him back in. Miz sets up chairs facing each other and goes to suplex King onto the chairs, but Miz escapes and King stumbles back awkwardly before taking a back breaker into neck breaker on the chair.
Miz pummels Lawler some more before Riley gathers a ladder for him. Alex takes forever and Miz eats several chair shots from behind by King. Alex sees this and hilariously decides to put the ladder back and set it back up. Lawler fetches a ladder and cuts riley off with a ring hand before going back to the ladder. Miz takes it in the chin when trying to take it away. King charges the corner with the ladder, but Miz dodges. Miz almost gets Irish whipped into the ladder, but he stops short only to take a back body drop onto it. King charges his power fist, but Alex riley clotheslines him from the apron. King blocks a suplex attempt by riley to the floor and right hands him through the table on the floor.
Jerry chants build up. King sets up a ladder and starts to climb it but he hasn’t been on a NordicTrack in years. Miz blocks him and tosses him off. Punk calls him a retard for not climbing the ladder while Lawler eats a suplex onto a chair. Miz grabs the chair and whacks him on the back. Miz goes up top with the chair, but is wracked on the top turnbuckle by Lawler. Lawler tries for a superplex, but Miz head butts his way free only to get a double axe handle from King and fall through the other table to the floor. The ladder is still set up and Cole leaves the desk to go cheer on Miz and try to pull him out of the table wreckage. Jerry is halfway up the ladder and Cole pulls him down by the feet.
King gets up in his face and chases him around the ring. Cole backpeddles and says he didn’t mean it. King finally decks him flat and mounts for more punches while Miz climbs the ladder behind him. King turns and climbs the ladder two, punching away. Miz is hanging onto the title as King punches away at him, but Miz finally punches him back off and pulls it down.
Winner: Miz
Query: What the fuck is this match building to? A Cole/King feud? I’m not interested.
Highlight of the Night: Sheamus and Morrison put on the best match overall, but there was lots of good wrestling on tonight.
Lowlight of the Night: The Main Event was fucking Jerry Lawler vs. The Miz for the WWE Title in a TLC Match. Just think about that. Really.
WWE “Creative” Award: I. Do. Not. Care. About. Michael. Cole.
Send Feedback to Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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