It has come to my
attention that John Cena has been wrestling at house
shows over the last week as “John Cena’s Mexican
cousin Juan Cena” which is quite possibly the most
awesome thing I’ve ever heard if you give him his
entrance music in Spanish.
how opens with a video montage of what all happened
last week. I love how when Miz’s music starts
playing we get a blue tone and the Jimmy Hart
version of the Saw theme. We also got to see the
demon girl again. But seriously, that was one of the
most shameless rip offs of movie music I’ve heard in
The opening video theme ends with a
still of Miz holding his bet up high. Tonight is the
King of the Ring tournament and we get the theme for
it with the robe, crown and throne on the ring
entrance. Alex Riley arrives to interrupt things and
does that crappy meme of hiding your kids and wife
that only bros and hipsters think is funny. He says
it’s because Miz is champion and he has been part of
WWE history, because this is equivalent to Neil
Armstrong landing on the moon. Punk is back on the
mic with us tonight, which is awesome. Speaking of
which, Alex talks some shit on Punk, and says
tonight is going A-Rye and it’s going to be awesome.
He gets a non reaction for this, because people
would have cared if it was actually Miz giving this
It’s amusing that Alberto’s ring
announcer gets his own announcement. He’s sporting a
black eye from Big Show on Smackdown in which Show
got counted out to punch him in the face. Punk
amusingly has a suit jacket with the sales tag still
on it. Del Rio is taking on Bryan.
US Champion Daniel Bryan vs.
Alberto Del Rio
off on the aggressive and kicks Bryan around. He
puts him to the mat with a headlock take down and
gets rolled into a pin for only one. Rio shoves him
down and cleans his hands so Bryan dropkicks him off
his feet. Bryan picks up a one count off that for
some reason before being tripped into a turnbuckle.
Rio uses a spine buster and goes for a pin, but
Bryan draws him into the LaBell Lock. Rio manages to
scrambe to the ropes quickly and prevent the hold,
diving to the floor for a breather.
Commercial Thought: Last image on my screen is Rio,
followed by the words “Mexican bred” for a Taco Bell
What a surprise, Bryan is losing
now. He got kicked in the head on the ring apron.
Rio is picking up a two count and starts kneeing him
in the back of the head, lessons from the Sheamus
school of wrestling. Rio picks up another two count
and works a headlock. Bryan dodges a top rope move
from Rio and rolls him up off the ropes for a two
count. Bryan picks up another two off of a side roll
and flips over Rio in the corner. Bryan german
suplexes Rio for two. Rio catches him in the jaw,
but runs into a sharp kick from Bryan hulks up it
seems and delivers a running dropkick into the
corner on rio for two again. Bryan starts kick at
his chest repeatedly, but Rio ducks a clothesline,
wrapping around into a German suplex of his own for
Bryan dodges a dropkick at the ropes,
sending Rio into the floor. He manages to land on
his face but takes a suicide dive. Bryan seems to
hurt his shoulder on the landing and Alberto dodges
the missile dropkick back in the ring, leaving Bryan
rolling on his arm for Rio’s armbar finisher to pick
up the tap out victory.
do a recap of several of the King of the ring
winners in Edge, Stone Cold, Triple H, Bret Hart,
Brock Lesnar, who they surprisingly bother to
mention his name. King says we all know what he’s
gone on to do (sell buck bomb?) as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Why
don’t they just sell breast implants on TV?
R-Truth hits the stage without Eve for once. I guess
she was tired of being the ghetto booty bitch. On an
unrelated note, did anyone see Hulk Hogan completely
bury the business on TNA Reaction some time ago?
Fucking bullshit promo. Look it up. Truth talks
about how Cena went out like a man, but the war
hasn’t even started yet and he challenges any member
of Nexus to come and take him on in a match. I just
saved you three minutes of unintelligible talking.
Mike McGillicutty gets shoved out of the Nexus
locker room. I mean that literally. He was shoved
right in front of Josh Matthews and says he’s gonna
show Truth what happens and then runs the camera guy
over….and gets his ass beat off camera by a guy in
jean shorts with purple wristbands that certainly
So….this is assault now, right?
Random Commercial Thought: Yeah, you don’t look like
an idiot telling your phone to do things instead of
hitting the buttons.
Cody Rhodes is out as we
return (I guess Truth just decided to call it a
night. All he did was rap, then challenge someone to
a match and not have one). I love his entrance. It’s
fucking hilarious. He’s taking on Morrison in this
John Morrison vs. Cody Rhodes
Morrison starts off with some shoulder block, but
takes a kick from Rhodes. Rhodes forces him to the
corner and Punk mentions that Cody and Patterson
have a lot in common. King asks what that is and he
says he’ll leave it to he imagination. He sucks
dicks. Just thought I would help you out. Rhodes
throws a fit at ringside after hitting his face in
the corner. Morrison tries to capitalize, but Rhodes
takes over. Rhodes pick up a two count off of a
series of knees to the guts. Morrison fights free of
a rest hold, but Rhodes is having none of that and
goes for another one. Morrison fights free again
with big rights and uppercuts.
some clotheslines and a side dropkick for two, but
Rhodes ducks the follow up running knee to get a
roll up for two. Both guys try to leap off the
ropes, but Morrison holds onto his while Rhodes
jumps back off for Beautiful Disaster, finding no
one and looking confused, so he eats the flash kick.
Morrison finishes it off with a knee to the temple.
Miss USA is here apparently
and will crown the King of the Ring. Oh yay?
Promising me more titties on a show with lots of
titties already isn’t that much of a draw, guys.
Random Commercial Thought: The windshield shop, more
than just windshield. We do car windows too! (In
retrospect, our business name is fucking stupid)
Back to the show. Drew McIntyre is out to get
annihilated by Ezekiel Jackson. Punk and King remark
about Jackson surprisingly getting by Alex Riley,
which Cole plays straight. I think I like this new
dynamic. It makes Cole more tolerable.
Ezekiel Jackson vs. Drew McIntyre
Drew gets into the corner and taunts, dodging a
charge from Jackson and taunting some more. He saps
him in the face and Jackson decks him with a few
forearm shots. Does he fight the entirety of his
matches with that one arm? He does the wind up
clothesline in the corner and picks up a two count
out of a splash in the corner. Jackson gets worked
over the turnbuckle in the corner while all three
announcers insult each other. Drew picks up a two
count and delivers a sharp clothesline on Jackson.
Drew taunts and gets charged to the floor by Jackson
starts fighting him down the aisle and runs into a
kick. For some reason there is a little step stool
for Drew to jump off of. He and Jackson brawl, but
Drew holds onto his foot to keep Jackson from making
it back to the ring.
Winner: Double DQ
Ezekiel counters a future shock DDT after the match
and chucks Drew to the floor. The winner of Kingston
and Sheamus gets a buy now. Way to drop a match from
he show to save time…on a fucking THREE HOUR
PROGRAM. The Bella Twins start coming onto Bryan in
the back, rguing over him again when Alex asks why
they are flirting with the nerd when they are in
charge of the Diva dancing later. He gets a call
from Miz. Alex says Bryan has nothing, since all of
that could have been his. Bryan looks at his belt
and says he’s doing okay before Riley wander off,
leaving them all looking confused as to why he’s
getting more screen time than Miz this week.
Random Commercial Thought: Characters unite. Soon
Master Chief and Mario will be friends.
compares Miz to Rocky as we see the Rocky statue
(the show is coming to us from Philadelphian, I’m
sure you care). Even though we blew several minutes
at the beginning of the show with it, they run the
same video package again. It hasn’t even been an
hour since they ran it. King says Orton is injured
after the match last week and won’t be here as Miz
finally joins us.
Oh my God….that suit is
hard to look at with my eyes. Could have stood to go
with a normal one. Cole gives a standing ovation and
hoots (I’m serious) while jumping up and down. Miz
says he decided not to do the celebration and didn’t
need the pyros or balloons or streamers. Not because
we were too cheap to do that, but because he doesn’t
need it. He then says what sums it all up for him…is
a series of reaction shots of that Demon Girl. I
love you, Miz. He calls her the girl that will
forever be known as the Miz Girl and wants to thank
her. Miz says he’ll be the longest raining champion
of all time and that if you take away anything from
this, when someone tells you that you can’t do
something or live your dream, you better believe
them because you can’t. The Miz is better than us.
That was really funny.
Miz goes on about how
Piper, Steamboat and Mr. Perfect were never WWE
champions (and pimps the WWE Championship History
book) and that he’s a step above them because he’s a
badass. King interrupts him to say he’s on the list
of Hall of Famers never to win the belt. He says Miz
beat a guy who was beaten by seven others and isn’t
awesome, just cleaver. Miz calls him bitter
old man. Cole tells him to stop and says he’s been
downplaying Miz, calling him a fluke and tells King
to relax and let him have his moment. King agrees to
sit back down and says Miz should prove he’s a
champion by calling someone out for a title shot.
Cole says King might e that guy if he doesn’t stop.
I really want to watch King hit Michael Cole.
King says he’s been in the WWE since 1993 without a
title match, and would like one now. I…do not want
to see this. Miz says that’s a great idea but isn’t
interested in defending his title tonight. King says
he may be a champion, but he’s a coward and not
awesome. Miz starts to talk back when the GM
interrupts things. The GM congratulates Miz and
makes the Main Event into Miz vs. King for the WWE
Title…..WHY?! Why would you do that to me?! FUCK
YOU, GM! The GM makes the main event a TLV match as
a countdown for the TLC PPV. Why did I just have to
Random Commercial Thought: Anyone
else notice they don’t use much pyro any more?
Speaking of Pyro, Kofi gets some. He’s the only
person to get any tonight so far.
Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston
Sheamus sends Kofi to the floor, but Kofi scrambles
back into the ring and hits some kicks. Sheamus
stops him short with a tilt a whirl side slam. Punk
makes a funny comment that King Kofi Kingston is not
such a good thing with the initial but has a good
ring to it (I’m actually laughing out loud). Sheamus
works a chin lock, but Kingston fights free and
kicks him to the corner. Kofi strikes him over the
chest and hit’s a dropkick before setting up the
Boom Drop for two. Kofi misses Sheamus in corner
with a leap and Sheamus counters it into the high
cross. Kofi slips free and decks him with Trouble in
Paradise. Sheamus holds onto the ring apron to keep
from being dragged to where he could be pinned until
he recovers. He slams Kofi to the corner who flips a
kick out of the corner and goes up top only to eat
the pump kick that he didn’t even have time to put
his foot up. He just sort of shuffled in place. Nice
botch. I can’t believe they replayed it.
I recently ran into a group of people
who told me Sheamus is awesome in the ring and not
fucking clownshoes. Yeah….um…yeah….
Commercial Thought: Mexican Wrestling in town
(that’s what it’s called, no joke).
the show for a match with the tag team champions who
are taking on Henry and Evan Bourne Lite (Tatsu)
Yoshi Tatsu & Mark Henry vs. WWE Tag Team
Champion Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (Non-Title
Tatsu gets crushed in
the corner by Nexus who just keep trading out. The
crowd gets super hype during this match as John Cena
appears in the crowd with tickets. Why does he have
like three tickets? Cena has a front row seat…in an
area that isn’t actually a normal seat. Tatsu is
being worked over by Slater. (Cena: “Come on, Yoshi!
Can I ride you?!” I might have made up part of
that). Henry gets the tag and hit’s a big splash on
Slater. Gabriel break it up and Tatsu takes him to
the floor. Slater kicks Henry out o the corner and
goes up top, stopping to taunt Cena. He then leaps
off the top into the World’s Strongest Slam
Cena comes to ringside, clears
the announce table and FUs Slater through a table.
Security for this arena must suck. The rest of Nexus
chase him off. Punk complains that he spilled his
diet soda and says they have the worst security too.
Random Commercial Thought: I steal sports cars from
other companies all the time.
what happened earlier tonight with Cena as Punk says
he’s called the cops. Otunga is talking to the
others (Nexus got new shirts) and saying they are
sitting ducks. Wade says he’s going to call Cena out
and then they’ll get their hands on him. Elsewhere,
King is unpacking his ring gear when Arn Anderson
comes in to say he just heard. He says the TLC
matches are easy to get hurt in and King says he’s
never been in one, but he can’t pass up a title
shot. If he wins, I’m not going to watch this show
Cole says there is no way King
could win the match, or even walk out alive. Punk
says he believes King could take it. Apparently they
have to sit announce without a table for an hour and
a half now.
Rio’s announcer gets announced
again and Rio rides out in his car again to take on
Morrison but first some commercials.
Commercial Thought: Need to get me some CODBLOPS.
John Morrison vs. Alberto Del Rio
Morrison dances around with Rio. Also Mabel is
brought up. Morrison kicks out of the corner on Rio,
but Rio powers him down. Rio starts stomping on him
and picks up a two count and works an arm bar.
Morrison escapes a rest hold and does a little dance
into a forearm shot before hitting his side dropkick
for two. Rio and Morrison trade waist locks and
delivers an arm breaker over the knees. Rio taunts
and takes his time before hitting his running
enziguiri in the corner. A horn starts honking as we
see Rey Mysterio come out of the top of his car,
allowing a flash kick from behind.
Yeah, who would want to see one of
the superstars who needs more momentum to get to win
this tournament? We should instead give away another
Survivor Series match for free. Who pays for PPVs
Random Commercial Thought: Onlive is
a good idea, poor execution.
Wade enters the
ring after yet another replay of Cena helping Orton.
Wade says he’s the only one who can hire Cena back
according to the GM. He says he sees through Cena’s
plan to make him hire him back in order to get
revenge. He guarantees Cena will never work again in
WWE because Nexus is waiting for him now. Cena
interrupts him on the Titantron….uh….security?
Police? He says he promised to take out Nexus one by
one. Wade calls out security but Cena reveals they
don’t want to help Nexus because Nexus beat their
asses once. Nexus then corner Cena in the parking
lot, but he reveals that the superstars (Darren
young, Kozlov, Tatsu, Jackson, David Hart Smith, and
Henry) are on his side as they attack from behind.
Gabriel’s head goes through a car window and he
takes the FU through the hood. Cena says he’ll see
him next week, because he’s not stopping until he
So, WWE security is
useless…what about arena security? What about those
Random Commercial Thought: It’s
snowing chicken. It’s a very ghetto Christmas.
Punk reminds us this is illegal as we return to a
clip of Cena’s attack. Maryse is out with Tamina and
Alicia Fox. This gets us a replay of Santino and
Tamina from last week before the face divas arrive.
Natalya & Melina &
Gail Kim vs. Tamina & Alicia Fox & Maryse
Melina is rocking some Cher hair. She gets up in
Maryse’s face who slaps her. They tackle each other
and pull hair. Melina chases Maryse and grabs her by
the hair from the apron. Maryse delivers a jaw
buster to pick up two. Alicia tags in and starts
kicking and pounding on Melina. Melina knocks her
back onto her knees in an awkward spot as Santino
arrives with an acoustic guitar to sing I Think
We’re Alone Now to Tamina. She carries him off with
her. Alicia and Maryse look utterly confused. Cole
makes a good point in saying time has stopped.
Natalya tags in and crushes Alicia with clotheslines
and scoop slam. She goes for the sharpshooter
but Maryse breaks it up. Gail breaks it up and
Alicia sets up for the scissor kick only to be
tripped back into the sharpshooter.
Natalya and friends
How many times has Alicia
lost to the sharp shooter now? Fifty? Quit reminding
me Jerry Lawler is wrestling for the title tonight.
Also it’s his birthday. Random. Jerry gets a career
montage (needs more Survivor) before we see him
loosening up in the back which equates to lightly
rocking his knee back and forth and hoping it
doesn’t disintegrate under the pressure.
Random Commercial Thought: you tube is pissing me
Ted is in the back playing with a toy
belt that plays Triple H’s entrance theme. Maryse
comes in and talks shit on him for playing with it
instead of winning a real belt. She comes in and
then gets told before he just leaves. Otunga and
Harris are in some back hallway talking about how
they are going to get their asses kicked unless Wade
caves. Otunga says he thinks he has a plan to stop
this. Josh Matthews introduces Morrison and Sheamus
in the back for an interview. Sheamus says he won’t
be fucking up and allowing a win again and Morrison
hurt his arm and has wrestled twice, so this is all
Random Commercial Thought: Cabellas
would be better with zombies.
I find out in
yet another two weeks there will be another three
hour Raw for the Slammy Awards. Okay, this is
getting fucking annoying. Santino accompanies Miss
USA out. Did Tamina Tran morph into her? She
introduces Sheamus and Morrison with all of the
acting talent of a piece of wood. Though that’s
probably far from the only wood present right now.
Sheamus vs. John Morrison
(King of the Ring Finals)
Morrison fights out of an arm breaker, but Sheamus
kicks him back down and slams the arm on the mat.
Sheamus drags him around by the arm and works an arm
bar on the ground. Morrison punches his way free and
tries for the flash kick, but Sheamus trips him off
the ropes and launches Morrison to the floor with a
running knee to the head.
Thought: I fire my missiles at restaurants for the
hell of it.
Sheamus is still beating Morrison
down. He works an arm lock that I don’t really know
the name of. So trust me that it’s a rest hold.
Morrison tries to fight free and finally manages to
get to his feet. Sheamus pummels him back, but
Morrison blocks and comes into his series of
clotheslines and the side dropkick. Morrison picks
up two before sending Sheamus to the corner.
Morrison mounts Sheamus in the corner and gets
chucked off onto his arm. Morrison baseball slides
under Sheamus’ kick, but eats a clothesline as
Sheamus whirls around for two.
signals the High Cross and takes his time before
hoisting Morrison up who slips free and counters to
a backslide. Sheamus blocks and flips him over,
shoving Morrison to the corner. Morrison catches him
with an elbow and flips out of the side slam into a
tornado DDT. There used to be someone who did that
wrap around style of DDT as their finisher, but I
don’t recall who it is. Sheamus tries to slam
Morrison to the ring post on the apron but eats a
kick. Morrison climbs up top and is pulled off by
his arm for two. Sheamus goes back to an arm bar.
Sheamus knees the arm when Morrison ties to fight
out and slams him back down into the arm bar again.
Morrison flips through to escape and kicks Sheamus
in the head. Sheamus drags him up, but
Morrison backflips into a kick and goes for Starship
Pain right into Sheamus knees. Sheamus crushes him
with the pump kick. Sheamus drags Morrison up for
the High Cross and picks up the win.
So Sheamus is King of the Ring,
joining the hallowed halls of such men as Mable and
Don Moraco. Sheamus gives a funny speech about the
high kings of Ireland and declares Long Live the
King. That scepter is ridiculous.
Commercial Thought: I have a match schedules against
someone in Brawl in which is I lose, I have to watch
the John Cena 3-Disc twice in a row with no break.
Back to the show where they somehow found six
ladders on ever so short notice to put around the
ring. It’s as if they knew there would be a TLC
match! Miz doesn’t come out with the title as it is
already hanging above the ring, but Alex Riley
brought the Money in the Bank briefcase with him for
WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. Jerry The
King Lawler (WWE Title TLC Match)
Punk starts this off by telling Cole to shut the
fuck up in insulting King. Miz forces Lawler to the
corner. They tie up again and Miz delivers a scoop
slam before taunting Lawler. Lawler ties up again
and scoop slams him instead. This has to suck for
Miz. First title match is against a fossil. Miz
kicks away at Lawler and beats him down. Lawler is
awkwardly tossed to the floor where Riley provides
Miz with a chair to slam on King’s back. Miz tosses
some chairs into the ring and tosses him back in.
Miz sets up chairs facing each other and
goes to suplex King onto the chairs, but Miz escapes
and King stumbles back awkwardly before taking a
back breaker into neck breaker on the chair.
Miz pummels Lawler some more before Riley gathers a
ladder for him. Alex takes forever and Miz eats
several chair shots from behind by King. Alex sees
this and hilariously decides to put the ladder back
and set it back up. Lawler fetches a ladder and cuts
riley off with a ring hand before going back
to the ladder. Miz takes it in the chin when trying
to take it away. King charges the corner with the
ladder, but Miz dodges. Miz almost gets Irish
whipped into the ladder, but he stops short only to
take a back body drop onto it. King charges his
power fist, but Alex riley clotheslines him from the
apron. King blocks a suplex attempt by riley to the
floor and right hands him through the table on the
Jerry chants build up. King sets up a
ladder and starts to climb it but he hasn’t been on
a NordicTrack in years. Miz blocks him and tosses
him off. Punk calls him a retard for not
climbing the ladder while Lawler eats a suplex onto
a chair. Miz grabs the chair and whacks him on the
back. Miz goes up top with the chair, but is wracked
on the top turnbuckle by Lawler. Lawler tries for a
superplex, but Miz head butts his way free only to
get a double axe handle from King and fall through
the other table to the floor. The ladder is still
set up and Cole leaves the desk to go cheer on Miz
and try to pull him out of the table wreckage. Jerry
is halfway up the ladder and Cole pulls him down by
King gets up in his face and chases
him around the ring. Cole backpeddles and says he
didn’t mean it. King finally decks him flat and
mounts for more punches while Miz climbs the ladder
behind him. King turns and climbs the ladder two,
punching away. Miz is hanging onto the title as King
punches away at him, but Miz finally punches him
back off and pulls it down.
Query: What the fuck is this match building to? A
Cole/King feud? I’m not interested.
Highlight of the Night: Sheamus
and Morrison put on the best match overall, but
there was lots of good wrestling on tonight.
Lowlight of the Night:
The Main Event was fucking Jerry Lawler
vs. The Miz for the WWE Title in a TLC Match. Just
think about that. Really.
WWE “Creative” Award: I. Do. Not. Care.
About. Michael. Cole.