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WWE RAW RANT

by Stuart Munro

November 28, 2011


Hello and welcome to another Raw ‘Supershow’. Let’s see if there’s anything super about it tonight. In fact it’s so super that Michael Cole proclaims it Monday Night Supershow. We’re dropping Raw altogether now? Guess we may as well, we’ve all but dropped the wrestling.

Tonight the show comes to you from the University of Carolina and joy of joys, The King has his voice back. He does tell us tonight we can look forward to a WWE Title rematch between CM Punk and Alberto del Rio though, so I’ll forgive him as if the match is anything like they’re fantastic Survivor Series match, we’re in for a treat.

We begin with a surprise edition of Piper’s Pit. This usually proves to be somewhat interesting at least. Piper actually looks healthier than last time he was on WWE programming, he’s definitely lost weight. Oh…he nearly fell over getting in the ring though. Cursed be false hips.

The crowd pop big for Piper. He queries how a guy who never won a world title, wasn’t the biggest or strongest guy in the ring could go on to become a Hall of Famer and one of the biggest icons in the history of the WWE Universe. (Good to see the ego is still alive and kicking). The answer? The energy of the fans, which, Piper says, is something not important to his guest…John Cena?! (OK, there are a LOT of accusations that can be levelled at Cena, but that?)

Cena appears on stage babbling into the camera like a baby discovering it’s voice. There seems to be more boos than cheers for Cena tonight as he makes his way to the ring. He looks as perlplexed as I am about Piper’s accusation. The ‘Rowdy’ one wants to play word association and the crowd can react however they choose:

‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin (Huge cheers)

Bret Hart (Surprisingly a little mixed, but mainly cheers)

The Rock (Loud, but pretty mixed)

John Cena (Louder, mixed)

Is Piper trying to turn Cena heel?

Piper tells Cena he’s the face of the WWE, which Cena doesn’t want to hear. Boos get louder for this. Piper tells Cena he’s losing it and that he needs to tell the fans what he really thinks or he’ll lose to The Rock. (That makes no sense, but I’m happy to roll with this as they’ve finally acknowledged a Cena heel turn as even possible)

Cena brings up the many hostile crowds he’s faced including Wrestlemania 22 against HHH, the Hall of Fame induction dedicated to Eddie Guerrero, TLC against Edge in Toronto, Money in the Bank against Punk in Chicago and of course Hammerstein Ballroom for ECW: One Night Stand against RVD. He reiterates his ‘Rise above hate’ values and says he’s granted 3 Make-A-Wish dreams today and he does what he does for the kids, for the armed forces and for the families.

Piper demands he gets it off his chest, bizarrely handing over his Hall of Fame ring. Cena returns it graciously, saying he’s fine.

Piper responds by half slapping/half punching Cena in the face. Cena looks like he’s going to attack Piper but instead walks away.

That was a little awkward and didn’t make too much sense, yet somehow worked as a good piece of build for Wrestlemania.

Next up it’s going to be The Miz facing John Morrison. We get replays of Miz’s attack on R-Truth from last week before cutting backstage to Morrison in some “Shit, we’re on camera, I have jack diddley fuck to say to you, but we need to pretend” conversation. They fail! (They could’ve discussed the fact that Vince couldn’t give two shits about either of them, just an idea.)

THE MIZ VS. JOHN MORRISON

Match: There isn’t one. Miz attacks Morrison at the top of the ramp with a lead pipe and proceeds to beat the holy hell out of Morrison’s leg and knee. Cole then chirps up to inform us it’s a falls count anywhere match, so this is all legal. (Since when? Besides, this is an unprovoked, pre-match assault Cole you fucking gibbon-brained, shitshower. Therefore it is NOT legal!)

Miz heads for the ring as trainers attend to Morrison. Once inside he asks for a mic. Before he can speak Morrison heads for the ring, limping heavily.

FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE
THE MIZ VS. JOHN MORRISON


Match: Morrison attacks , but Miz goes straight for the leg and viciously tears at it. He sets about wrapping it around the ring post as Cole informs us R-Truth suffered severe head and neck trauma at Miz’s hands last week (Seriously, we’re supposed to buy that as an injury-causer?) Miz brings out a kendo stick/Singapore cane and sets about Morrison with it. Morrison gets hold of the cane and beats the shit out of Miz with it, cleverly using it as a crutch to pursue Miz up the ramp. Miz is waiting and sends Morrison face first into the large WWE logo on the stage. (That looked seriously painful). A skull-crushing finale for the full stop but the ref won’t allow the pin. He deems Morrison unable to continue.

Winner by TKO: The Miz.

Out come the trainers and refs to tend to Morrison once more. The replays of the shot to the WWE sign look nastier each time. Morrison is getting the full neck brace and stretcher treatment. King can’t decide whether Morrison is conscious or not, despite the fact he’s clearly awake and moving (Glad your voice is alright now Jerry, thanks).

Miz returns to the stage with a mic once more and heads for the ring. John Laurinaitis appears on the stage, stares at Morrison and then just…leaves. Thanks John. (Anyone remember the ‘Stone Cold’ “Arrive. Raise Hell. Leave” t-shirt? Can we get a slight reworking of that for Johnny Ace?) The trainers cart Morrison off the side of the stage, which means they have to kind of construct another ramp. What is the point of that exactly?

Miz is now back in the ring to address us. He says last week was Truth, this week Morrison, next week…we’ll see. He’s the only superstar that can make this kind of impact because he’s awesome. The promo is cut in a kind of detached fashion, which makes it very weird. We then get what feels like a 3 hour closeup of Miz’s face. Bizarre!

Now we’re ‘treated’ to divas action.

THE BELLA WHORES VS. ALICIA FOX & KELLY KELLY

Match: As it begins a youtube address is shown across the bottom of the screen with crackle and interference effects (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KN9FWb0zKm8 will allow you to view) Before even viewing the video my thought/hope was Chris Jericho, but I’m not sure he would fit around an end of the world scenario as the video depicts. Intriguing at least though.

The match is a complete catastro-fuck and I barely pay any attention to it through a combination of the youtube video and Beth Phoenix and Natalya jogging down the ramp, around the ring…and then back up the ramp and leaving. What the fuck? I just about bother with the match in time to see Alicia nail one of the Bellas with the somersault legdrop for the pin.

Winners by pinfall: Alicia Fox & Kelly Kelly.

THAT…WAS…DIRE!

Next up a promo for the WWE 12 game in which King manages to proclaim with a straight face that it’s difficult to tell the difference between the game and real life…AS WE’RE LOOKING AT THE SAME GRAPHICS CAPABILITY OF THE LAST THREE SMACKDOWN VS. RAW OFFERINGS! Fucking tool!

Next up, a promo vignette for Sheamus…just for funsies.

In his office Laurinaitis is on the phone to Brodus clay, once again promising him his debut will be next week. David Otunga appears and questions the logic of that. Laurinaitis says he’s trying to rile Clay and that it’ll do him a favour. Alberto then appears jabbering about how he’ll regain his title tonight. Laurinaitis reminds him he said all this before Survivor Series and that he lost in front of a lot of sponsors and executives. Cue CM Punk. (Come on guys, at least PRETEND this is a real office. 3 guys have entered it now, each from a different direction.) Punk simply says “156,000!” This is the number of hits on Google Punk got when typing in the words “John Laurinaitis” and “spineless”. 918,000 is your result for “Alberto del Rio” and “boring”, and if you type “David Otunga” apparently all you get is some lady called Jennifer Hudson. (That’s funny!)

Punk leaves and Otunga uses his Harvard powers of deduction to reason that Punk wants to get himself disqualified tonight. This prompts Laurinaitis to declare Punk will be stripped of his title if he intentionally gets disqualified. Next we’re going to get another Randy Orton burial of Dolph Ziggler.

Justin Roberts invites us all “to acknowledge the presence” of Wade Barrett, our guest commentator.

NON-TITLE MATCH
RANDY ORTON VS. UNITED STATES CHAMPION DOLPH ZIGGLER (W. VICKIE GUERRERO


Wade Barrett has the flattest face I’ve ever seen. Just thought I’d share that with you.

Match: Slow, wrestling start to the match. Pace quickens with some decent countering and avoiders. Orton nails a stiff-looking clothesline early in the match before Ziggler takes control, smashing Orton’s head into the steps on the outside.

Wade Barrett, it should be noted, is excellent on commentary. King questions why he’s out here and his response is so eloquent, logical and well thought out that King has to concede he’s wrong and say “bravo”.

Alicia Fox, Raw & The Bellas are trending. (Do any of you have lives?)

This is a very slow match in the middle. It kicks into gear with a massive superplex from Orton. Dolph heads for the outside and starts to walk away up the ramp, having had enough. Wade Barrett distracts Orton from the outside. Ziggler in from behind with the zig zag for the surprise pin.

Winner by pinfall: Dolph Ziggler.

Thoughts: Not a great match, but a great, surprising ending. Gets Dolph over and ignites the feud between Wade and Orton well.

Dolph does a very strange headstand celebration on the outside.

Now it’s time for Michael Cole to conduct an in-ring interview with Daniel Bryan. He begins by saying Bryan was given an opportunity to fight Mark Henry tomorrow on SmackDown.

Bryan cuts in to say he was given nothing, he earned his world title shot in the fatal four way match last week. He says he doesn’t expect accuracy or good announcing from Cole, as we all know he’s the worst announcer ever. He should have earned Cole’s respect by now (Why would he give a shit?)

Cole says he tried to cash in on a defenceless man, calling Bryan a liar and hypocrite. He thinks it hilarious that Bryan’s attempt to cash-in was overruled. We see a clip of Big Show knocking Mark Henry out, Bryan cashing in and Teddy Long reversing the decision. Cole commentates through this in a really annoying fashion, laughing his head off. Cole would’ve stripped Bryan of the Money in the Bank briefcase and suspended him indefinitely. Bryan disgusts him and he hopes Henry annihilates him.

Bryan says he is a hypocrite. His plans changed when Henry tried to end his career. He saw an opportunity and took it. Being the champ is more important than headlining Wrestlemania. (Guess that was about the most face-saving way of having Bryan justify going back on his word, still made him look like an idiot though overall).

Mark Henry appears on the stage and says Bryan has no chance of beating him. He should be ashamed for taking advantage of him and Teddy Long should be ashamed for forcing him to compete in a match tomorrow. Fans chant for Big Show. Bryan starts to walk up the ramp as Henry proclaims Bryan can’t beat him. Bryan stamps on Henry’s leg on his way past and says “We’ll see tomorrow night”.

Jack Swagger gets the jobber entrance next.

JACK SWAGGER (W. VICKIE GUERRERO) VS. ZACK RYDER

Match: Swagger uses his mat skills to control early on. Ryder makes frequent attempts to get a foothold in the match, but Swagger counters quickly every time, until Ryder trips him on an attempt for the Swagger bomb (Looked botched, especially seen as Swagger then went for it again) The second one is blocked. One Ruff Ryder later and we have a winner.

Winner by pinfall: Zack Ryder

Thoughts: Short, unnecessary burial of Swagger that only helps Ryder if they finally give him a US title shot. However the recent good booking of Ziggler would be undermined by a clean defeat to Ryder. (Written yourselves into a corner much?)

Mick Foley appears on stage dressed as Santa to promote the Live Holiday Special SmackDown, which he will be hosting.

Punk is backstage when Josh Matthews appears for an interview, asking what he thinks about the DQ ruling implemented earlier on. Punk says Laurinaitis can kiss his ass.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
CM PUNK ( C ) VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO (W. RICARDO RODRIGUEZ)


Tonight’s car is a beautiful Aston Martin. Also Zack Ryder & Daniel Bryan are trending (That’s more like it).

Match: Counter wrestling to start the match. Punk breaks out a monkey flip early on, which Alberto sells like shit. Match continues back and forth, but Alberto’s timing seems a little off tonight. During commercial Alberto takes control and starts to work the arm over heavily. Fans chant “Where’s our ice-cream?” during a resthold. In comparison to the Survivor Series match this is a little more formulaic and in fact very similar to the Orton v. Ziggler match from earlier. As Alberto continues to work the arm of Punk it strikes me how few wrestlers truly sell opponents’ offense these days. Punk is a great example of a guy who does…and well. The match improves as the pace quickens towards the end, the action going back and forth. Alberto goes for the cross-armbreaker, which Punk blocks and turns into the GTS, which Alberto in turn counters into a DDT. Ricardo says something to Alberto, who then begins tampering with a top turnbuckle pad. The ref sets about trying to fix it. Ricardo throws Alberto a chair. He smacks it to make a sound and throws it to Punk. Thinking fast, Punk throws it straight back and hits the deck. The ref goes to DQ Alberto, but Punk rolls him up from behind. Nearfall. Alberto hits a backstabber. Nearfall. Ricardo jumps onto the apron to distract the ref, which backfires when Alberto hits a modified GTS into the now exposed steel under the turnbuckle (Did the ref actually remove the pad?) for the win.

Winner by pinfall and still champion: CM Punk

Thoughts: Another great match ending, but the match itself wasn’t a patch on the Survivor Series encounter.

Post-match Ricardo argues with the ref and eats a GTS for his troubles.

Overall thoughts: Match quality wasn’t top notch, but there was far more logic on display in booking terms and storyline progression tonight. Piper’s Pit served it’s purpose and the Second2012 vignette was very intriguing. Not sure where the storyline with The Miz is heading though.

See you all next week…unless any of us die in the meantime.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).