Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE
RAW RANT:
(11/23/09)
By Cameron Burge

Tonight we have three hours of “action” ahead of us. I put that in scare quotes because I’m sure we’ll have so much filler in tonight’s show you’ll start to think you were watching Dragonball Z. But hey, we have Jessie Ventura back so that’s something to be thankful for (see what I did there?).

Raw 11.23.09

Show opens with theme and pyro and we find out immediately that Punk has challenged John Cena to a match tonight. On top of that, the nowhere near as nice to look at as Lillian announcer welcomes us to a Raw Thanksgiving. He goes on to introduce Jessie Ventura but instead Orton’s music interrupts us. Orton comes out to basically complain and whine in the ring for a bit before talking about Ventura and asking him out to get a title a shot against Cena. Ventura eventually makes his way out after several minutes of this and talks about himself and his new show. Ventura says the same guys challenge for the belt over and over so he’s going to make a series of qualifying match where only people who have never been champion can compete to get into a battle royal for the number one contendership. Orton is pretty cheesed off about this and Jessie ignores him to go on and announce some new never before seen matches that will happen tonight. The first match is
 starting now for the battle royal qualifiers and it’s Kofi Kingston out first.

Random Commercial Thought: Muffins should not have hard bits in them.

Back to the show. Kingston is set to take on Ziggler now and I bet you can guess how this will go.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston

Ziggler taunts Kingston before forcing him to a corner where he delivers a cheap shot during the break. Dolph starts stomping Kofi into the ground until Kingston turns the tables and pummels him in the corner, kicking Ziggler in the head repeatedly until the ref forces him off. A corner dive misses and Kingston hangs himself up. Dolph covers for a one count  and starts slinging Kingston across the ring with hard shots. Ziggler delivers a really weird suplex for two and goes to a headlock. Ziggler switches it into a rear naked choke. Kofi breaks out and delivers some chops and a dropkick. Clothesline fires up the Boom Drop as I guess they call it now. He does it backwards this time for no reason. Trouble in Paradise misses and Ziggler tries to capitalize from behind with a double knee to the back. As he stands back up, Kofi nails Trouble in Paradise for the win.
Winner: Kofi

The Miz is in the back and he wants us all to know how awesome he is here and it’s a generally pointless speech beyond killing some extra time and remembering that Miz is a heel in case you were not paying attention earlier.

Random Commercial Thought: People still have dial up?

Back to the show where you can see King getting kicked in the face again. Now we have a battle royal qualifier match with Sheamus to sit through. I’m a little sad Sheamus has to dress like that because it’s horrifying to watch him wrestle. His opponent is Finlay.

Finlay vs. Sheamus

Finlay strong arms Sheamus and kicks some ass but Sheamus comes back with a low kick and stomps him down into the ground. Finley hit’s a knee to the head out of the corner and goes to some pummeling shots but Sheamus barrels back over him with an axe handle to the face, but not literally. Finlay is sent shoulder first into the ring post and Sheamus delivers his Razor’s Edge finisher for three.
Winner: Sheamus

Post match, Sheamus beats Finlay out into the crowd. Maybe Sheamus is here to make all of our past their prime wrestlers retire? He’s like the Not-quite-as Legendary Killer.

Random Commercial Thought: Who let a plumber and a hedgehog compete in the Olympics?

We cut back to Teddy Long being thankful only to pull out and find Vickie is there too. Can someone please explain the storylines where guys go after this ugly bitch? What the hell is the writer’s fascination with this? Cole asks if it sounds like she is conspiring to get his job which makes him sound like a retard but it’s actually just a cheap segue into Ventura’s new show Conspiracy Theory. Only on TruTV, that channel that devoured CourtTV. In the back. Orton demands to be in the battle royal saying that the WWE is conspiring against him to get a title because of the contract. Ventura says he can’t let Orton compete and we cut to ringside for Punk.

CM Punk seems to think that pink boots are easy to get away with when you’re last name isn’t Hart and I have to disagree. Those are the gayest boots I’ve seen in quite a long time. Punk says he is thankful for being straight….edge. Straight maybe not so much. Punk says he’s fighting Cena because he’s a giant turkey and keeps reminding us how awesomely straight edge he is over and over. Man, it’s almost as if they are trying to comment on a wrestler who gets arrested for drugs or something. Huh, wonder what that’s all about?

Random Commercial Thought: I get followed by cops through the dessert like that too. Fucking racists.

Back to the show where Cena arrives in the brightest orange he could possible find in the back. Makes him look like a giant Sunkist ad. Punk throws his shirt at Cena. Yeah, take that! Cena goes for what you could call a “Twilight” pop in ripping is own off and taunting with it before we finally get underway.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. CM Punk (Non-Title Match)

Punk hides in a corner to avoid a tie up early on. Pink trunks too? Damn, WWE. Punk comes out of a headlock into a double shoulder block and Punk seems to hurt his arm in it while Cena taunts with his own ROCK HARD BODY. Just in case you forgot. Punk comes in with some strikes and forces Cena to the corner but Cena reverses a second corner toss and hit’s a bull dog out of the corner for two. Cena attempts the STF out of a drop toe hold and Punk rolls out to the floor as we go to back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Those construction workers were gay.

Back to the show where Punk is hugging Cena’s head with his thighs. You’re not helping the case here, man.  Punk stomps Cena down and picks up a couple of two counts while he continues to work Cena over. Punk works Cena down and covers for yet another two count. I forgot that when you turn heel your move set suddenly disappears entirely. I’ve never seen so much slow punching by Punk before. Cena rebounds out of a corner with a shoulder block and delivers the protobomb before screaming like he’s the fucking incredible hulk. Cena drops the five knuckle shuffle and scoops for the FU but Punk flips to his feet and delivers a knee to the gut. Cena gets scooped to a GTS but as he’s dropped he grabs the knee and rolls out to the STF. Punk makes the rope though despite Cena dragging him back.

Back on their feet, Cena charges right into a huge kick that knocks him flat for two. Punk pops the Pepsi One in the corner but the bulldog is countered by Cena tossing him off. Cena drags himself up on the apron and climbs the turnbuckle for the guillotine leg drop which he lands and picks up a two of his own. Cena scoops Punk for another FU but he immediately slips free and Cena charges into a huge reverse dropkick (A back leg front kick if you were) for two. Punk tries a cross body in the corner, but he’s left hanging as Cena dodges and carries him up for a top tope FU for the win.
Winner: Cena

Jessie is in the back now talking to Vince. Vince denies him a match. He says he would have to stoop low to wrestle Vince and he’s only here to hit him below the belt, mentally. Vince keeps interrupting him, thinking maybe he wants an autograph or a guest on his new show. Finally Vince asks why he’s been asked to the back and Jessie says it’s because it’s a throwback night to go back to the past…and Vince is an announcer again. Oh my god, but he’s teaming up with Jessie again as well. This should actually be awesome. He got Vince an older style suit, which I think he’s actually benefiting from…the red little bowtie is a bit much though.

Random Commercial Thought: Legos are hardcore like that.

Back to the show where we have a six man tag match to get into the battle royal. I have to say things are really against MVP here since he’s dragging R-Truth with him.

MVP & Mark Henry & R-Truth vs. Chris Masters & Jack Swagger & Chavo Guerrero

Swagger and MVP start us out and Swagger wrestles MVP down to the ground with a waist lock and a headlock. MVP works back to his feet but a shoulder block from Swagger puts him down. MVP comes back with a hip toss and a clothesline for a measly one count. Swagger gets a hold on MVP and tags in Chavo who leaps in only to be caught with a belly to belly. Masters tags in and drags MVP back to the corner where the heels continue to quickly exchange in and out on MVP. I think I heard a “Steroids” chant when Masters was in the first time. Masters is in to eat a clothesline from MVP until R-Truth is in with a series of punches and flips and the splits before a dropkick picks up two.  Chavo is in on Truth, but Henry comes in and tosses him to the floor on top of Swagger. R-Truth crushes Masters with a big spinning shoulder block for three.
Winners: Black People

I’m actually surprised. In the back, Trips is all pissed staring at a nervous Michaels. They get over it quick. A bald midget in a suit serves them with a court notice suddenly for Little People’s Court next week. Trips says this is short notice and I die a little more inside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Look out behind you!

Back to the show where Evan Bourne is out for his qualifying match. He’s against Primo, looks like an awesome match!…oh wait Orton destroys Primo on the ramp and demands the ref to start a match between him and Bourne.  Jessie interrupts on the titantron and says he’s going to break a rule just for Orton and if Orton can beat Bourne, then he’ll let him into the battle royal.

Evan Bourne vs. Randy Orton

Orton starts annihilating Bourne and slams him into the ring post for two right away. Evan gets hung up on the bottom rope and covered for another two.  Poor tiny man. Bourne fights back with kicks to the knee and Orton tries his inverted neck breaker only for Bourne to flip out and delivers kicks and knees to the jaw. Bourne comes off the top with a knee press to the head for a very close two. Bourne tries a cross body off the middle rope but Orton counters with a power slam and delivers the RKO for three.
Winner: Orton

Uhg, seriously? Isn’t this the EXACT OPPOSITE, of the same people challenging day in and out? We get a video package of Vince and Ventura as an announce team before in the back, some fake boobs are headed to the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: Mohawk bombs are surprisingly effective in real life.

Back to the show where all we get is a commercial for Ted Dibiase in The Marine 2 which they should know won’t sell at all considering Cena was the ONLY reason they were able to push a couple copies of the first one. We get a thanksgiving match were some heel divas are dressed as pilgrims. Michelle McCool demands to know why they are dressed in these retarded outfits. The Gobbledy Gooker is the time keeper. Sigh, so anyone seen any good movies lately? First person to saw New Moon gets a bullet. Let’s seek shelter in some more commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Okay, tired of the Mr. T commercial now.

Back to the show where the Indians show up. Kelly Kelly seems to have forgotten the Indians didn’t wear Moccasins. WWE has forgotten the Indians are supposed to be Native Americans. Someone also forgot for the entrance video that the crying Indian over garbage wasn’t even a Native American.

Pilgrims vs. Indians (lulz)

Melina starts off with Jillian who gains the upper hand until Meina dodges her handspring elbow in the corner. Melina fights off McCool and Layla on the apron and Jillian gets abandoned by them so Melina just immediately beats her.
Winners: Melina and the rest of the eye candy

King tries to interview Melina and the Gooker. No. I refuse this. No. Oh the gooker was Maryse in disguise who beats Melina to death with the Gooker’s head. She looks kind of ridiculous trying to pose in that outfit so she strips it off. I kind of wish she should strip every week. I like how she had extreme trouble with it though making her look like a complete retard.

Random Commercial Thought: Do you think people who pay for these commercials ever give thought to what WWE’s target audience actually is?

Back to the show where DX is on their way out. They got over that whole “betrayal” thing really fast. Their entrance drags on for the typical length of eternity before we finally get around to the Hart Dynasty.

Hart Dynasty vs. Degeneration X

Tyson Kidd starts off with Michaels and dominates early on, picking up some two counts.  More pink trunks here but at least it makes sense on a Hart Legacy wrestler. Michaels is crushed into the corner before he eats a backbreaker for two. Kidd continues to stomp Michaels down and delivers hard shots. Smith tags in and works Michaels over some more in the corner before dragging him back to Kidd. Kidd runs Michaels down with a headlock as I realize that the reason Natalie never talks is because she sounds like a man.  Kidd suplexes shown and picks up two again before Smith is in who apparently has to be announced by full name each time. Stalling vertical suplex from Smith picks up yet another two. Michaels tries to fight back as Smith counters only to collide. Both tags are made.

Trips delivers the knee to Kidd and the face buster before leveling him with a clothesline and both men take spine busters. Smith is up first into a pedigree but Kidd interferes only to be sent to the outside. Smith nails a big kick to the jaw on Trips and  lifts Trips for Kidd to leap in only for Michaels to take him out with sweet chin music, allowing Trips to catch Kidd and deliver the pedigree win.
Winners: DX

Jericho interrupts the victory celebration before telling us Show is hurt. They joke that since they are in Hershey he’s actually stuck in the chocolate factory eating. Jericho complains that it is serious and Shawn reveals that DX is challenging for the belts in a TLC match at the next PPV. Jericho gets pissed and says he’s the best in the world at what he does (Wolverine wants to have a word with him) and he and Big Show are the most dominating tag team of any generation. He points out DX has never held the belts and it will never change as we go to commercial. I can almost see Trips salivating at the prospect of snagging more gold.

Random Commercial Thought: Why don’t we melt those sandwiches if that is what we call them?

Batista is out to talk about how he thinks Rey got what he deserved from him last night. He says if a Smackdown guy wins the battle royal tonight they will get crushed and he’ll make them wish they never won, because the Undertaker is his and no one alive can stop him…so Kane shows up since he died inside a long time ago around the time they did the Katie Vick angle. Kane asks what constitutes disrespect and hopes that interrupting counts because he wants to see what Batista is going to do about it. Kane demands to be made an example of and Batista back off for he has not yet grown his evil goatee of power fully yet.

Random Commercial Thought: Need a paycheck really fast? Revive an old success and cash in! Now presenting Boondock Saints 2.

Back to the show for the final qualifier. Cryme Tyme is out first. Been a while since I saw them, I’m surprised they are still around. Legacy is their opponents. I think it’s obvious what we are setting up here.

Cryme Tyme vs. Legacy

JTG starts off with Dibiase and seems to have the upper hand until he’s forced to the heel corner where some quick exchanges leave him pretty much grounded. Dibiase and Rhodes doubles team and switch out pretty quickly before Rhodes picks up a two count off of a reverse elbow and then goes to the old stand bye of a headlock. JTG fights back and breaks free, diving to Shad who crushes Dibiase on his way in. Dibiase counters a back drop attempt but Shad catches a cross body and power bombs Dibiase for two when Rhodes breaks up the pin. JTG tackles Rhodes to the apron but Rhodes pulls him out. Shad sends Rhodes to the floor only to eat dream street from behind.
Winners: Legacy

Random Commercial Thought: That new comedy vampire flick looks just as bad as the serious ones.

Back to the show where Alicia and Gail are shit talking each other and about to pie one another when Santino comes to be the peace keeper. He says he wants the divas to come to together and cook a meal for him. So they pie him. But the Bella’s take pity on him until he opens his fat mouth again and gets more pie. At least he has plenty of pie. Vickie comes to get the last shot on him after Eve, but he can’t see and smacks the pie into her own face on accident. Nobody cared. At all.

Oh look, a match! But first we have Ventura and Vince on the way out to commentate. Jessie introduces Vince for us who comes out to the some of the gayest music ever put to sound of all time. It’s actually king of fun to hear them banter some, oh wait, no it isn’t because they go completely silent for a bit and sound awkward. Kingston is out first (Ghana, West Africa?) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Assassin’s Creed 2 is quite cool.

Back to the show where Orton is the only other guy to get an entrance.

Breakthrough Battle Royal (#1 Contender’s Match)
Legacy gangs up on Kofi while everyone else just stands around and watches for a bit. Sheamus chills his heels while Orton has ran to the outside to pull an Edge. R-Truth has to fight off Henry from eliminating him. MVP and Henry team up on Truth. So much for that team up earlier. Truth manages to hang on when MVP tosses him so Henry and MVP go after Masters. Vince complains that the three refs suck for not trying to put Orton back in at all and Ventura notes they are the ones Vince hired. Truth and Kingston fight in the corner but Truth just abandons it to work on Masters until Sheamus nails him from the side and tosses Truth to the floor. Legacy double teams Henry and Orton is back in now, working over Kofi.

Orton tries to toss Kofi but Kingston escapes and works him down in the corner with heavy blows. Sheamus meanwhile chucks MVP to the floor. Henry attacks Sheamus and starts crushing him before tossing Sheamus and Legacy get him from behind. Sheamus manages to land on the apron and rolls back in. Henry gets pissed and double eliminates Legacy before Sheamus takes him out from behind. Orton looks worried as he’s somehow turned the tables on Kofi. He decides to go back after Kingston. Kofi powers back and overpowers Orton before spring boarding out of the corner and diving on Orton to beat him down some more. Sheamus just chills his heels again.  Sheamus eventually comes from behind and tries to get Orton but he spins out into an inverted neck breaker and stomps Sheamus in the head as if to say “How dare you even be in this match”. I have to agree. Kingston skins the cat when Orton tosses him and takes Orton out with a head scissors. Sheamus comes
 from behind and clotheslines Kingston to the floor. You’re fucking kidding me.
Winner: Sheamus

You are fucking kidding me. You are FUCKING KIDDING ME. We still have time in the show and Ventura says he’s going to officiate a contract signing between Cena and Sheamus. God damnit.

Random Commercial Thought:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccF50ssJKVA

We learn Verne Troyer will be hosting next week….on the same episode as Little People’s Court…I hate you Vince. We’ve set up the generic contract signing. I would have bought Miz in this position more than Sheamus. Cena is laughing as much as everyone else as he takes a seat. Sheamus demands to be stood up to and faced. Cena says he’s heard such lines before, but usually from future hall of famers like Orton and HBK…he forgets to go on and say “not guys who will be fired next year when creative can’t think of anything to do with them.” He asks why he should take Sheamus seriously just because he retired tiny Jamie Noble and crippled a camera man. Cena gets pissed and gets up on his face before telling Sheamus to be ready for war if he signs. Sheamus’ face screws up in a snarl of expression that is trying its hardest to express some sort of emotion.

Sheamus says what he’s done so far is nothing compared to what he’ll do to Cena. Cena gets his second Twilight pop of the night so Sheamus hurriedly signs the contract. I guess CENA’S ROCK HARD BODY is enough to convince him. Ventura announces the match as soon as they both sign. He stops though to say there is a conspiracy to keep Cena champion in the WWE, because he has a look, does movies, does commercials and is the perfect looking champion. Ventura says he never got a shot at the title because he was a rebel. Cena Sucks chants starts before Cena gets blindsided by Sheamus. Ventura tells the crowd to look at the champion now as he’s stuffed ass-up into the turnbuckle for a moment and then Sheamus power slams him through the table. Ventura goes on to announce the match as a table match. I wonder if Jessie remembered that heels get lower ratings for their spin off shows? Oh well.

Highlight of the Night: Uh…um…..it was long? Let’s go with Vince’s bow tie. That was funny.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s match was pointless and stupid.

WWE “Creative” Award: SHEAMUS?! ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).