Tonight we have three
hours of “action” ahead of us. I put that in scare
quotes because I’m sure we’ll have so much filler in
tonight’s show you’ll start to think you were
watching Dragonball Z. But hey, we have Jessie
Ventura back so that’s something to be thankful for
(see what I did there?).
Show opens with theme and
pyro and we find out immediately that Punk has
challenged John Cena to a match tonight. On top of
that, the nowhere near as nice to look at as Lillian
announcer welcomes us to a Raw Thanksgiving. He goes
on to introduce Jessie Ventura but instead Orton’s
music interrupts us. Orton comes out to basically
complain and whine in the ring for a bit before
talking about Ventura and asking him out to get a
title a shot against Cena. Ventura eventually makes
his way out after several minutes of this and talks
about himself and his new show. Ventura says the
same guys challenge for the belt over and over so
he’s going to make a series of qualifying match
where only people who have never been champion can
compete to get into a battle royal for the number
one contendership. Orton is pretty cheesed off about
this and Jessie ignores him to go on and announce
some new never before seen matches that will happen
tonight. The first match is
starting now for the
battle royal qualifiers and it’s Kofi Kingston out
Random Commercial Thought: Muffins
should not have hard bits in them.
the show. Kingston is set to take on Ziggler now and
I bet you can guess how this will go.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston
Ziggler taunts Kingston before forcing him to a
corner where he delivers a cheap shot during the
break. Dolph starts stomping Kofi into the ground
until Kingston turns the tables and pummels him in
the corner, kicking Ziggler in the head repeatedly
until the ref forces him off. A corner dive misses
and Kingston hangs himself up. Dolph covers for a
one count and starts slinging Kingston across
the ring with hard shots. Ziggler delivers a really
weird suplex for two and goes to a headlock. Ziggler
switches it into a rear naked choke. Kofi breaks out
and delivers some chops and a dropkick. Clothesline
fires up the Boom Drop as I guess they call it now.
He does it backwards this time for no reason.
Trouble in Paradise misses and Ziggler tries to
capitalize from behind with a double knee to the
back. As he stands back up, Kofi nails Trouble in
Paradise for the win.
is in the back and he wants us all to know how
awesome he is here and it’s a generally pointless
speech beyond killing some extra time and
remembering that Miz is a heel in case you were not
paying attention earlier.
Thought: People still have dial up?
the show where you can see King getting kicked in
the face again. Now we have a battle royal qualifier
match with Sheamus to sit through. I’m a little sad
Sheamus has to dress like that because it’s
horrifying to watch him wrestle. His opponent is
Finlay vs. Sheamus
Finlay strong arms Sheamus and kicks some ass but
Sheamus comes back with a low kick and stomps him
down into the ground. Finley hit’s a knee to the
head out of the corner and goes to some pummeling
shots but Sheamus barrels back over him with an axe
handle to the face, but not literally. Finlay is
sent shoulder first into the ring post and Sheamus
delivers his Razor’s Edge finisher for three.
Post match, Sheamus beats
Finlay out into the crowd. Maybe Sheamus is here to
make all of our past their prime wrestlers retire?
He’s like the Not-quite-as Legendary Killer.
Random Commercial Thought: Who let a plumber and a
hedgehog compete in the Olympics?
We cut back
to Teddy Long being thankful only to pull out and
find Vickie is there too. Can someone please explain
the storylines where guys go after this ugly bitch?
What the hell is the writer’s fascination with this?
Cole asks if it sounds like she is conspiring to get
his job which makes him sound like a retard but it’s
actually just a cheap segue into Ventura’s new show
Conspiracy Theory. Only on TruTV, that channel that
devoured CourtTV. In the back. Orton demands to be
in the battle royal saying that the WWE is
conspiring against him to get a title because of the
contract. Ventura says he can’t let Orton compete
and we cut to ringside for Punk.
seems to think that pink boots are easy to get away
with when you’re last name isn’t Hart and I have to
disagree. Those are the gayest boots I’ve seen in
quite a long time. Punk says he is thankful for
being straight….edge. Straight maybe not so much.
Punk says he’s fighting Cena because he’s a giant
turkey and keeps reminding us how awesomely straight
edge he is over and over. Man, it’s almost as if
they are trying to comment on a wrestler who gets
arrested for drugs or something. Huh, wonder what
that’s all about?
Random Commercial Thought:
I get followed by cops through the dessert like that
too. Fucking racists.
Back to the show where
Cena arrives in the brightest orange he could
possible find in the back. Makes him look like a
giant Sunkist ad. Punk throws his shirt at Cena.
Yeah, take that! Cena goes for what you could call a
“Twilight” pop in ripping is own off and taunting
with it before we finally get underway.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. CM Punk (Non-Title Match)
Punk hides in a corner to avoid a tie up early on.
Pink trunks too? Damn, WWE. Punk comes out of a
headlock into a double shoulder block and Punk seems
to hurt his arm in it while Cena taunts with his own
ROCK HARD BODY. Just in case you forgot. Punk comes
in with some strikes and forces Cena to the corner
but Cena reverses a second corner toss and hit’s a
bull dog out of the corner for two. Cena attempts
the STF out of a drop toe hold and Punk rolls out to
the floor as we go to back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Those construction
workers were gay.
Back to the show where Punk
is hugging Cena’s head with his thighs. You’re not
helping the case here, man. Punk stomps Cena
down and picks up a couple of two counts while he
continues to work Cena over. Punk works Cena down
and covers for yet another two count. I forgot that
when you turn heel your move set suddenly disappears
entirely. I’ve never seen so much slow punching by
Punk before. Cena rebounds out of a corner with a
shoulder block and delivers the protobomb before
screaming like he’s the fucking incredible hulk.
Cena drops the five knuckle shuffle and scoops for
the FU but Punk flips to his feet and delivers a
knee to the gut. Cena gets scooped to a GTS but as
he’s dropped he grabs the knee and rolls out to the
STF. Punk makes the rope though despite Cena
dragging him back.
Back on their feet, Cena
charges right into a huge kick that knocks him flat
for two. Punk pops the Pepsi One in the corner but
the bulldog is countered by Cena tossing him off.
Cena drags himself up on the apron and climbs the
turnbuckle for the guillotine leg drop which he
lands and picks up a two of his own. Cena scoops
Punk for another FU but he immediately slips free
and Cena charges into a huge reverse dropkick (A
back leg front kick if you were) for two. Punk tries
a cross body in the corner, but he’s left hanging as
Cena dodges and carries him up for a top tope FU for
Jessie is in the
back now talking to Vince. Vince denies him a match.
He says he would have to stoop low to wrestle Vince
and he’s only here to hit him below the belt,
mentally. Vince keeps interrupting him, thinking
maybe he wants an autograph or a guest on his new
show. Finally Vince asks why he’s been asked to the
back and Jessie says it’s because it’s a throwback
night to go back to the past…and Vince is an
announcer again. Oh my god, but he’s teaming up with
Jessie again as well. This should actually be
awesome. He got Vince an older style suit, which I
think he’s actually benefiting from…the red little
bowtie is a bit much though.
Commercial Thought: Legos are hardcore like that.
Back to the show where we have a six man tag match
to get into the battle royal. I have to say things
are really against MVP here since he’s dragging
R-Truth with him.
MVP & Mark Henry & R-Truth vs. Chris Masters & Jack
Swagger & Chavo Guerrero
MVP start us out and Swagger wrestles MVP down to
the ground with a waist lock and a headlock. MVP
works back to his feet but a shoulder block from
Swagger puts him down. MVP comes back with a hip
toss and a clothesline for a measly one count.
Swagger gets a hold on MVP and tags in Chavo who
leaps in only to be caught with a belly to belly.
Masters tags in and drags MVP back to the corner
where the heels continue to quickly exchange in and
out on MVP. I think I heard a “Steroids” chant when
Masters was in the first time. Masters is in to eat
a clothesline from MVP until R-Truth is in with a
series of punches and flips and the splits before a
dropkick picks up two. Chavo is in on Truth,
but Henry comes in and tosses him to the floor on
top of Swagger. R-Truth crushes Masters with a big
spinning shoulder block for three.
I’m actually surprised. In the back,
Trips is all pissed staring at a nervous Michaels.
They get over it quick. A bald midget in a suit
serves them with a court notice suddenly for Little
People’s Court next week. Trips says this is short
notice and I die a little more inside as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Look
out behind you!
Back to the show where Evan
Bourne is out for his qualifying match. He’s against
Primo, looks like an awesome match!…oh wait Orton
destroys Primo on the ramp and demands the ref to
start a match between him and Bourne. Jessie
interrupts on the titantron and says he’s going to
break a rule just for Orton and if Orton can beat
Bourne, then he’ll let him into the battle royal.
Evan Bourne vs. Randy Orton
starts annihilating Bourne and slams him into the
ring post for two right away. Evan gets hung up on
the bottom rope and covered for another two.
Poor tiny man. Bourne fights back with kicks to the
knee and Orton tries his inverted neck breaker only
for Bourne to flip out and delivers kicks and knees
to the jaw. Bourne comes off the top with a knee
press to the head for a very close two. Bourne tries
a cross body off the middle rope but Orton counters
with a power slam and delivers the RKO for three.
Uhg, seriously? Isn’t this the
EXACT OPPOSITE, of the same people challenging day
in and out? We get a video package of Vince and
Ventura as an announce team before in the back, some
fake boobs are headed to the ring.
Commercial Thought: Mohawk bombs are surprisingly
effective in real life.
Back to the show
where all we get is a commercial for Ted Dibiase in
The Marine 2 which they should know won’t sell at
all considering Cena was the ONLY reason they were
able to push a couple copies of the first one. We
get a thanksgiving match were some heel divas are
dressed as pilgrims. Michelle McCool demands to know
why they are dressed in these retarded outfits. The
Gobbledy Gooker is the time keeper. Sigh, so anyone
seen any good movies lately? First person to saw New
Moon gets a bullet. Let’s seek shelter in some more
Random Commercial Thought: Okay,
tired of the Mr. T commercial now.
the show where the Indians show up. Kelly Kelly
seems to have forgotten the Indians didn’t wear
Moccasins. WWE has forgotten the Indians are
supposed to be Native Americans. Someone also forgot
for the entrance video that the crying Indian over
garbage wasn’t even a Native American.
Pilgrims vs. Indians (lulz)
Melina starts off with Jillian who gains the upper
hand until Meina dodges her handspring elbow in the
corner. Melina fights off McCool and Layla on the
apron and Jillian gets abandoned by them so Melina
just immediately beats her.
Winners: Melina and
the rest of the eye candy
King tries to
interview Melina and the Gooker. No. I refuse this.
No. Oh the gooker was Maryse in disguise who beats
Melina to death with the Gooker’s head. She looks
kind of ridiculous trying to pose in that outfit so
she strips it off. I kind of wish she should strip
every week. I like how she had extreme trouble with
it though making her look like a complete retard.
Random Commercial Thought: Do you think people who
pay for these commercials ever give thought to what
WWE’s target audience actually is?
the show where DX is on their way out. They got over
that whole “betrayal” thing really fast. Their
entrance drags on for the typical length of eternity
before we finally get around to the Hart Dynasty.
Hart Dynasty vs. Degeneration X
Tyson Kidd starts off with Michaels and dominates
early on, picking up some two counts. More
pink trunks here but at least it makes sense on a
Hart Legacy wrestler. Michaels is crushed into the
corner before he eats a backbreaker for two. Kidd
continues to stomp Michaels down and delivers hard
shots. Smith tags in and works Michaels over some
more in the corner before dragging him back to Kidd.
Kidd runs Michaels down with a headlock as I realize
that the reason Natalie never talks is because she
sounds like a man. Kidd suplexes shown and
picks up two again before Smith is in who apparently
has to be announced by full name each time. Stalling
vertical suplex from Smith picks up yet another two.
Michaels tries to fight back as Smith counters only
to collide. Both tags are made.
delivers the knee to Kidd and the face buster before
leveling him with a clothesline and both men take
spine busters. Smith is up first into a pedigree but
Kidd interferes only to be sent to the outside.
Smith nails a big kick to the jaw on Trips and
lifts Trips for Kidd to leap in only for Michaels to
take him out with sweet chin music, allowing Trips
to catch Kidd and deliver the pedigree win.
Jericho interrupts the victory
celebration before telling us Show is hurt. They
joke that since they are in Hershey he’s actually
stuck in the chocolate factory eating. Jericho
complains that it is serious and Shawn reveals that
DX is challenging for the belts in a TLC match at
the next PPV. Jericho gets pissed and says he’s the
best in the world at what he does (Wolverine wants
to have a word with him) and he and Big Show are the
most dominating tag team of any generation. He
points out DX has never held the belts and it will
never change as we go to commercial. I can almost
see Trips salivating at the prospect of snagging
Random Commercial Thought: Why
don’t we melt those sandwiches if that is what we
Batista is out to talk about how
he thinks Rey got what he deserved from him last
night. He says if a Smackdown guy wins the battle
royal tonight they will get crushed and he’ll make
them wish they never won, because the Undertaker is
his and no one alive can stop him…so Kane shows up
since he died inside a long time ago around the time
they did the Katie Vick angle. Kane asks what
constitutes disrespect and hopes that interrupting
counts because he wants to see what Batista is going
to do about it. Kane demands to be made an example
of and Batista back off for he has not yet grown his
evil goatee of power fully yet.
Commercial Thought: Need a paycheck really fast?
Revive an old success and cash in! Now presenting
Boondock Saints 2.
Back to the show for the
final qualifier. Cryme Tyme is out first. Been a
while since I saw them, I’m surprised they are still
around. Legacy is their opponents. I think it’s
obvious what we are setting up here.
Cryme Tyme vs. Legacy
JTG starts off
with Dibiase and seems to have the upper hand until
he’s forced to the heel corner where some quick
exchanges leave him pretty much grounded. Dibiase
and Rhodes doubles team and switch out pretty
quickly before Rhodes picks up a two count off of a
reverse elbow and then goes to the old stand bye of
a headlock. JTG fights back and breaks free, diving
to Shad who crushes Dibiase on his way in. Dibiase
counters a back drop attempt but Shad catches a
cross body and power bombs Dibiase for two when
Rhodes breaks up the pin. JTG tackles Rhodes to the
apron but Rhodes pulls him out. Shad sends Rhodes to
the floor only to eat dream street from behind.
Random Commercial Thought:
That new comedy vampire flick looks just as bad as
the serious ones.
Back to the show where
Alicia and Gail are shit talking each other and
about to pie one another when Santino comes to be
the peace keeper. He says he wants the divas to come
to together and cook a meal for him. So they pie
him. But the Bella’s take pity on him until he opens
his fat mouth again and gets more pie. At least he
has plenty of pie. Vickie comes to get the last shot
on him after Eve, but he can’t see and smacks the
pie into her own face on accident. Nobody cared. At
Oh look, a match! But first we have
Ventura and Vince on the way out to commentate.
Jessie introduces Vince for us who comes out to the
some of the gayest music ever put to sound of all
time. It’s actually king of fun to hear them banter
some, oh wait, no it isn’t because they go
completely silent for a bit and sound awkward.
Kingston is out first (Ghana, West Africa?) as we go
Random Commercial Thought:
Assassin’s Creed 2 is quite cool.
Back to the
show where Orton is the only other guy to get an
Royal (#1 Contender’s Match)
up on Kofi while everyone else just stands around
and watches for a bit. Sheamus chills his heels
while Orton has ran to the outside to pull an Edge.
R-Truth has to fight off Henry from eliminating him.
MVP and Henry team up on Truth. So much for that
team up earlier. Truth manages to hang on when MVP
tosses him so Henry and MVP go after Masters. Vince
complains that the three refs suck for not trying to
put Orton back in at all and Ventura notes they are
the ones Vince hired. Truth and Kingston fight in
the corner but Truth just abandons it to work on
Masters until Sheamus nails him from the side and
tosses Truth to the floor. Legacy double teams Henry
and Orton is back in now, working over Kofi.
Orton tries to toss Kofi but Kingston escapes and
works him down in the corner with heavy blows.
Sheamus meanwhile chucks MVP to the floor. Henry
attacks Sheamus and starts crushing him before
tossing Sheamus and Legacy get him from behind.
Sheamus manages to land on the apron and rolls back
in. Henry gets pissed and double eliminates Legacy
before Sheamus takes him out from behind. Orton
looks worried as he’s somehow turned the tables on
Kofi. He decides to go back after Kingston. Kofi
powers back and overpowers Orton before spring
boarding out of the corner and diving on Orton to
beat him down some more. Sheamus just chills his
heels again. Sheamus eventually comes from
behind and tries to get Orton but he spins out into
an inverted neck breaker and stomps Sheamus in the
head as if to say “How dare you even be in this
match”. I have to agree. Kingston skins the cat when
Orton tosses him and takes Orton out with a head
scissors. Sheamus comes
from behind and
clotheslines Kingston to the floor. You’re fucking
fucking kidding me. You are FUCKING KIDDING ME. We
still have time in the show and Ventura says he’s
going to officiate a contract signing between Cena
and Sheamus. God damnit.
We learn Verne Troyer will
be hosting next week….on the same episode as Little
People’s Court…I hate you Vince. We’ve set up the
generic contract signing. I would have bought Miz in
this position more than Sheamus. Cena is laughing as
much as everyone else as he takes a seat. Sheamus
demands to be stood up to and faced. Cena says he’s
heard such lines before, but usually from future
hall of famers like Orton and HBK…he forgets to go
on and say “not guys who will be fired next year
when creative can’t think of anything to do with
them.” He asks why he should take Sheamus seriously
just because he retired tiny Jamie Noble and
crippled a camera man. Cena gets pissed and gets up
on his face before telling Sheamus to be ready for
war if he signs. Sheamus’ face screws up in a snarl
of expression that is trying its hardest to express
some sort of emotion.
Sheamus says what he’s
done so far is nothing compared to what he’ll do to
Cena. Cena gets his second Twilight pop of the night
so Sheamus hurriedly signs the contract. I guess
CENA’S ROCK HARD BODY is enough to convince him.
Ventura announces the match as soon as they both
sign. He stops though to say there is a conspiracy
to keep Cena champion in the WWE, because he has a
look, does movies, does commercials and is the
perfect looking champion. Ventura says he never got
a shot at the title because he was a rebel. Cena
Sucks chants starts before Cena gets blindsided by
Sheamus. Ventura tells the crowd to look at the
champion now as he’s stuffed ass-up into the
turnbuckle for a moment and then Sheamus power slams
him through the table. Ventura goes on to announce
the match as a table match. I wonder if Jessie
remembered that heels get lower ratings for their
spin off shows? Oh well.
Highlight of the Night: Uh…um…..it was long?
Let’s go with Vince’s bow tie. That was funny.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s match was
pointless and stupid.
WWE “Creative” Award: SHEAMUS?! ARE YOU
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).