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RAW RANT:
(11/22/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the better late than never rant that is a lot like you on a Monday morning. You’ll show up whenever you damn well want to, and possibly hung over. I’m saying what I never thought I would say in that Cena is fired tonight. Just kidding, we know that’s bullshit. At any rate, Wade Barrett is thankfully not the WWE champion and maybe now he’ll quickly get to fading into obscurity like most shitty wrestlers.

Raw 11.23.10

The show opens with theme and pyro before the Nexus make their way out, sans the title. Wade is pissed off that Cena had decided he wouldn’t win the match because he didn’t have a chance in hell with the GM also banning Nexus from ringside for the match on penalty of suspension. Wade says an official has never been allowed to place his hands on a competitor. Except for all the times that it’s happened in every match when the refs touch the wrestlers. He complains Cena pushed him into an RKO and that is was unprofessional. I know. I tried pushing my boss in front of a train and I got fired for it!

Wade demands another shot at Orton with a neutral ref. Cole receives an e-mail to this and takes his dear sweet time getting around to his quotation. The GM says that Wade has a point and Orton might like to prove a thing or two as well and so they’ll be giving the match away again tonight for free. Fuck everyone who paid for it, haha! Wade also says he’ll allow Cena a chance to say goodbye tonight.

King polishes his hat at ringside to emphasize the announcement that the King of the Ring tournament is returning again this year which means William Regal will probably have to get a new entrance title. Cole then makes an announcement that CM Punk will be the new member of the Raw broadcast team, probably because he just got heaped onto the stack of injured wrestlers. Oh, he got a haircut. He looks kind of normal under there. What’s in his back pocket? The script? Bathroom reader material? I need to know. Sheamus is out immediately following this for a King of the Ring qualifier. Why have qualifiers that are one on one matches when those could just be extra brackets? He’s taking on R-Truth. He’s reverted to the song people actually enjoyed participating in again, even if it is fucking annoying.

R-Truth vs. Sheamus (King of the Ring Qualifier)

Sheamus powers Truth into the corner and works a headlock takedown for a while. King spends most of this time warming up with Punk on the microphone who is playing a pretty subdued heel commentator to Cole’s over the top ridiculousness. Truth starts breaking free and hammering away before doing his little flip out of the corner into the back kick. Sheamus tumbles to the floor and throws a fit while Punk calls it Vintage R-Truth. Cole complains he’s being ripped off as we go to commercial.

After the break, Truth is getting his arm worked over. Punk has a funny line in asking King not to step over his line. Hilarious. Sheamus knees Truth in the gut when he tries to power back and picks up two. Sheamus continues to work the arm, pumping it and slamming it down on his knee for a two count. King says the King of the Ring coronation will put the British royal wedding coming up to shame. Keep on dreaming, son. Truth fights back with a jaw buster and dodges a corner charge from Sheamus.

Truth winds up on Sheamus with rights and kicks before going to some clotheslines. He asks us what’s up and runs into an elbow in the corner, but picks up a two count off of a hip toss. Sheamus blocks a suplex by Truth and Truth slips free of being hoisted up before eating a Harlem side kick in the corner. Truth goes completely across the ring for some reason to climb the top turnbuckle and Sheamus wanders all the way over into a missile dropkick for two. That was a long way to go to get kicked in the face. Sheamus blocks a body scissor to roll up from Truth by falling on to him for a two count of his own. Truth springs free and turns into the pump kick. Sheamus taunts and signals a High Cross, which he lands for three.
Winner: Sheamus

Nothing weird about a pale white guy crucifying a gangster rapper. Ever so conveniently, they release a John Cena DVD now and pimp it out to us as part of his being fired. That would be like if they had released a Michael Jackson album right after he died or someth-oh.

After the break, we see Laycool trying to decide which of them was beaten by Natalya and say they are going to get their stolen property back. A random guy stops them from coming into the building because they aren’t Raw superstars. Natalya eventually comes along to say she’s never seen them before before they get shuffled out the door. Oh yay, a much quieter show. Santino and Kozlov are drinking…water and coffee? Kozlov says they will win the title next time. Santino is working through his issues and says nothing can make him feel better…when all of a sudden Tamina in a red dress and playing a ukulele appears. Santino tries to put on his moves but Tamina has to do it for him.

Orton is strapping on his boots elsewhere when Josh walks in on him. Awkward. Does he just burst into everyone’s dressing room without checking if they are naked? Orton guarantees a victory over Barrett. We see Ezekiel Jackson is up again Miz next for a qualifier.

After a break, Ezekiel Jackson is out with a video package about him. He’s got bowling balls for shoulders apparently. He should try slamming them against Big Show’s skillet hands. I wonder if he has a personal greaser or if he just dips himself in a vat like Mark Henry. The Miz doesn’t arrive though and instead we get Alex Riley. Alex says Miz suffered an anxiety attack and he has been authorized to take his place to qualify in the match for him. He’s dead. Hardly knew him.

Alex Riley vs. Ezekiel Jackson (King of the Ring Qualifier)

Riley dodges a grapple and tires a waist lock, but Ezekiel reverses it. Alex elbows out and starts pummeling only to get overpowered out of an Irish whip attempt. Ezekiel crushes him with a toss to the corner but misses the charge follow up. Riley delivers a stinger splash and picks up a two count. Riley works a headlock as Punk makes fun of Riley’s nickname before making a shitty pun that we shall not repeat here. Jackson just tosses him off of a headlock and runs him over literally several times. Ezekiel pumps his fist and clotheslines Riley in the corner before finishing it off with the Rock Bottom that needs a name for three. I am horrified by the possibility that Jackson might face Sheamus.
Winner: Jackson

Cena is seen speaking to Truth in the back, probably thanking him for being such a dick these last few weeks? He hugs Gail Kim and Santino is just kind of there….oh and Yoshi Tatsu shakes his hand. When is he going to be on Raw again for something more than a Jew Wario cameo?

Cena arrives and gets the biggest full face pop he’s gotten in quite a while (well, minus Wichita, we shall not speak of it). In case you are retarded or haven’t been paying attention, he recaps that he’s being fired. His speech is pretty much what you would expect. Also, keep wearing all that merch, John, sales aren’t closed yet! It’s not really worth recapping what he goes over, you can watch it if you like, but I’m just going to move right along. There is a HUGE Cena Sucks chant vs. a smaller Let’s Go Cena at one point. After ten minutes, Cena says he needs to help Wade out before he leaves because he might have talent. It’s a suggestion to work harder if he wants fan support. Uh, okay. Genius. The speech lasts a total of thirteen minutes before he finally decides to leave. At least it was….short? Not really. They just show fan reactions for a bit. Apparently they didn’t know who to focus on, because some of them are happy and some
of them look like they are discussing their stock portfolios.

We cut to Cena leaving through the back where they’ve apparently set up the Klingon coming of age trials of superstars on both sides. Instead of electrocuting him to death though, they just applaud. Orton give shim a hug at the end and Wade Barrett appears form behind to do a “you can’t see me” taunt as we finally go to break after fifteen minutes of this.

Ted Dibiase is already in the ring with Maryse, waiting for a rematch with Daniel because we might as well give this one away for free too I guess. Suckers. Daniel is attacked from behind by Brie Bella who accompanies him to ringside.

US Champion Daniel Bryan w/ Brie Bella vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse (King of the ring Qualifier)

Daniel falls down hard from Ted running at him. I think he forgot to get hit first. Ted mounts him for punches and drops him on his face for a two count. Dibiase hands Bryan up on the top rope for another two count and then works a really awkward waist lock rest hold. Um….kind of looks like he’s just humping him. Dibiase corner splashes onto nothing. Bryan lands a corner dropkick, but Dibiase comes back with a spine buster for two. Bryan rolls out of the corner into the LaBell lock for the win.
Winner: Bryan

Brie is joined by Nikki in the ring to help Bryan along and fight over him. He pushes them together for uh…incest? PG, guys. Also, I’m pretty sure those outfits do not count as PG anymore, but whatever.

Following the break, Natalya is out to beat up the person she’s destroyed eighteen times already. Beth Phoenix is shown to have made he return in saving Natalya after the match last night.

Diva’s Champion Natalya vs. Alicia Fox (Non-Title Match)

Natalya goes to a waist lock but Alicia flings her off. Natalya nips up and monkey flips Alicia only to get tripped face first into the bottom turnbuckle. Alicia pulls her hair some and stomps Natalya around before pulling out a hair extension. Natalya powers her down, slamming her down by the hair and slapping her around. The ref decides to just take a break for a while, probably afraid for his balls. Natalya does a pumping stalled verticle suplex that I haven’t seen used in many years. Natalya goes for the sharpshooter and Alicia grabs the ropes to block. Natalya goes for a bear hug, but Alicia rolls out into a sunset flip for two only to be stood up into the sharpshooter.
Winner: Natalya

Elsewhere, Melina is talking to Morrison about his King of the ring match before slapping him on the ass. He blows it off as only guys that can run up FUCKING WALLS can. After a break, Morrison arrives to take on Kidd. Kidd already has a generic crappy entrance theme and new, evil video and evil black trunks.

John Morrison vs. EVIL Tyson Kidd (King of the Ring Qualifier)

Morrison forces Kidd to a corner, but it’s a clean break. Kidd delivers a kick to the gut before stomping a mudhole in Morrison. Morrison gets his face slammed into the ring apron. Tyson picks up a two count as Punk hilariously mentions he beat Morrison for the ECW title and if he were Tyson Kidd, he would have beaten him already. Kidd works a headlock while he screams, but forgets to actually go anything. Morrison handstand ducks a kick and spin kicks Kidd in the back of the head in an awesome move. Morrison picks up a two count.

Kidd goes to the floor and fights back with some kicks of his own. A swinging neck breaker gets two for Kidd. Morrison is sent to the corner where he’s choked out some. Morrison elbows out and goes for the Flash kick, but Kidd blocks. Morrison pushes him off and springs from one rope to the other for the flash kick and Starship Pain.
Winner: Morrison

I hope Tyson is looking forward to a career in superstars matches with Yoshi Tatsu. Punk: “He molds his body right here all over Tyson Kidd.” Uh….that speaks for itself.

After the break we learn that the other half of the qualifiers will be on Smackdown before the tournament happens next week in another three hour Raw as if we didn’t just have one of those. Orton arrives for his match when Nexus tackles him at ringside and Barrett directs the traffic. The referees eventually make their way out to push the Nexus off as Orton appears to be hurting in the knee. One of the refs asks Orton if he wants to go on with it when Husky breaks away and just boots him in the kneecap. Huge Nexus Sucks chants start to build up. At least they finally got heat.

We go to a break but when we return, Wade strolls out with a big shit-eating grin to his theme as it seems the ringside area has been cleared. Cole tells us the GM has no banned Nexus from ringside again. The ref argues with Wade about allowing the match to go on when Orton decides to enter on his own accord. Orton doesn’t immediately arrive when his theme starts playing but he finally hobbles out after a bit.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett (WWE Title Match)

Orton hobbles around the ring as Wade threatens the knee before delivering a kick to it. Orton pounds back with rights and Wade attacks the knee several times to fend him off until he starts just stomping on the knee in the corner and working a hold around the rope. Orton fights him off before Wade charges the knee in the corner. Wade slams the knee into the ring apron multiple times and drags him to the center of the ring for two. King and Punk are discussing how Orton would have had to forfeit the match if he did not come out. Which is fine. Because the title wouldn’t change hands, making Wade’s plan fucking retarded. Wade continues to kick the knee and work holds and slam it into the mat for a while. At least this does a good job of hiding his short comings in the wrestling aspect of things.

Barrett works a leg lock, but Orton kicks him off into the corner, Wade slamming his face into a turnbuckle. Orton dodges a clothesline into the backbreaker, but has to favor his knee for a bit. Wade comes back with another attack to te knee and goes for Wasteland, scooping Orton up and dropping him. Barrett picks up two when Cena suddenly appears and drags the referee to the floor. Cena dives into the ring with an FU on Barrett and he runs from the ring with Nexus in hot pursuit. This is apparently not a DQ offense as the ref just climbs back into the ring like he had the best sex in his life. Wade charges Orton as he recovers into the RKO for the three.
Winner: Orton

Orton goes to recover in the corner when “AWSOME” rings out and Miz arrives with his briefcase to cash it in.

WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. The Miz w/ Alex Riley (WWE Title Match)

Orton fixes Miz with a great story-telling stare of death across the ring. Orton tries to back away but Miz tackles at the knee only to be pummeled back out of the corner by Orton. Orton tries to keep himself in the corners and against the ropes for support, but Miz finally kicks the knee out and just brutalizes the leg with elbow drops and knee drops. Miz wraps the knee around the ring post multiple times. Orton kicks him off to the security wall and tries to recover in the corner. He puts Miz down with a clothesline and elbows out of a skull crushing finally. A European uppercut sets Miz up for the suspended DDT, but Miz slips through and punches the knee out. Orton counters with his power slam and sets up for an RKO. Miz counters the RKO into the Skull-crushing Finale for the three.
Winner: Miz

They zoom in on the most LOL face at ringside of this little girl(?) that just had me rolling. She looks like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Miz taunts with his new title around the ring for a while.

Highlight of the Night: Definitely the Money in the Bank cash-on. Orton came out of it looking strong, and Miz and it was actually a pretty good story-telling match as well, not to mention a big moment.

Lowlight of the Night: There was Ezekiel Jackson match on this show. Why would you wonder?

WWE “Creative” Award: Tyson Kidd’s new “character” is a lot like EVIL Spike Dudley. I expect a goatee soon enough.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).