Welcome to the better late
than never rant that is a lot like you on a Monday
morning. You’ll show up whenever you damn well want
to, and possibly hung over. I’m saying what I never
thought I would say in that Cena is fired tonight.
Just kidding, we know that’s bullshit. At any rate,
Wade Barrett is thankfully not the WWE champion and
maybe now he’ll quickly get to fading into obscurity
like most shitty wrestlers.
The show opens
with theme and pyro before the Nexus make their way
out, sans the title. Wade is pissed off that Cena
had decided he wouldn’t win the match because he
didn’t have a chance in hell with the GM also
banning Nexus from ringside for the match on penalty
of suspension. Wade says an official has never been
allowed to place his hands on a competitor. Except
for all the times that it’s happened in every match
when the refs touch the wrestlers. He complains Cena
pushed him into an RKO and that is was
unprofessional. I know. I tried pushing my boss in
front of a train and I got fired for it!
demands another shot at Orton with a neutral ref.
Cole receives an e-mail to this and takes his dear
sweet time getting around to his quotation. The GM
says that Wade has a point and Orton might like to
prove a thing or two as well and so they’ll be
giving the match away again tonight for free. Fuck
everyone who paid for it, haha! Wade also says he’ll
allow Cena a chance to say goodbye tonight.
King polishes his hat at ringside to emphasize the
announcement that the King of the Ring tournament is
returning again this year which means William Regal
will probably have to get a new entrance title. Cole
then makes an announcement that CM Punk will be the
new member of the Raw broadcast team, probably
because he just got heaped onto the stack of injured
wrestlers. Oh, he got a haircut. He looks kind of
normal under there. What’s in his back pocket? The
script? Bathroom reader material? I need to know.
Sheamus is out immediately following this for a King
of the Ring qualifier. Why have qualifiers that are
one on one matches when those could just be extra
brackets? He’s taking on R-Truth. He’s reverted to
the song people actually enjoyed participating in
again, even if it is fucking annoying.
R-Truth vs. Sheamus (King of the Ring
Truth into the corner and works a headlock takedown
for a while. King spends most of this time warming
up with Punk on the microphone who is playing a
pretty subdued heel commentator to Cole’s over the
top ridiculousness. Truth starts breaking free and
hammering away before doing his little flip out of
the corner into the back kick. Sheamus tumbles to
the floor and throws a fit while Punk calls it
Vintage R-Truth. Cole complains he’s being ripped
off as we go to commercial.
After the break,
Truth is getting his arm worked over. Punk has a
funny line in asking King not to step over his line.
Hilarious. Sheamus knees Truth in the gut when he
tries to power back and picks up two. Sheamus
continues to work the arm, pumping it and slamming
it down on his knee for a two count. King says the
King of the Ring coronation will put the British
royal wedding coming up to shame. Keep on dreaming,
son. Truth fights back with a jaw buster and dodges
a corner charge from Sheamus.
Truth winds up
on Sheamus with rights and kicks before going to
some clotheslines. He asks us what’s up and runs
into an elbow in the corner, but picks up a two
count off of a hip toss. Sheamus blocks a suplex by
Truth and Truth slips free of being hoisted up
before eating a Harlem side kick in the corner.
Truth goes completely across the ring for some
reason to climb the top turnbuckle and Sheamus
wanders all the way over into a missile dropkick for
two. That was a long way to go to get kicked in the
face. Sheamus blocks a body scissor to roll up from
Truth by falling on to him for a two count of his
own. Truth springs free and turns into the pump
kick. Sheamus taunts and signals a High Cross, which
he lands for three.
Nothing weird about a pale white guy crucifying a
gangster rapper. Ever so conveniently, they release
a John Cena DVD now and pimp it out to us as part of
his being fired. That would be like if they had
released a Michael Jackson album right after he died
After the break, we see Laycool
trying to decide which of them was beaten by Natalya
and say they are going to get their stolen property
back. A random guy stops them from coming into the
building because they aren’t Raw superstars. Natalya
eventually comes along to say she’s never seen them
before before they get shuffled out the door. Oh yay,
a much quieter show. Santino and Kozlov are
drinking…water and coffee? Kozlov says they will win
the title next time. Santino is working through his
issues and says nothing can make him feel
better…when all of a sudden Tamina in a red dress
and playing a ukulele appears. Santino tries to put
on his moves but Tamina has to do it for him.
Orton is strapping on his boots elsewhere when
Josh walks in on him. Awkward. Does he just burst
into everyone’s dressing room without checking if
they are naked? Orton guarantees a victory over
Barrett. We see Ezekiel Jackson is up again Miz next
for a qualifier.
After a break, Ezekiel
Jackson is out with a video package about him. He’s
got bowling balls for shoulders apparently. He
should try slamming them against Big Show’s skillet
hands. I wonder if he has a personal greaser or if
he just dips himself in a vat like Mark Henry. The
Miz doesn’t arrive though and instead we get Alex
Riley. Alex says Miz suffered an anxiety attack and
he has been authorized to take his place to qualify
in the match for him. He’s dead. Hardly knew him.
Alex Riley vs. Ezekiel Jackson (King of the Ring
Riley dodges a
grapple and tires a waist lock, but Ezekiel reverses
it. Alex elbows out and starts pummeling only to get
overpowered out of an Irish whip attempt. Ezekiel
crushes him with a toss to the corner but misses the
charge follow up. Riley delivers a stinger splash
and picks up a two count. Riley works a headlock as
Punk makes fun of Riley’s nickname before making a
shitty pun that we shall not repeat here. Jackson
just tosses him off of a headlock and runs him over
literally several times. Ezekiel pumps his fist and
clotheslines Riley in the corner before finishing it
off with the Rock Bottom that needs a name for
three. I am horrified by the possibility that
Jackson might face Sheamus.
Cena is seen speaking to Truth in the back, probably
thanking him for being such a dick these last few
weeks? He hugs Gail Kim and Santino is just kind of
there….oh and Yoshi Tatsu shakes his hand. When is
he going to be on Raw again for something more than
a Jew Wario cameo?
Cena arrives and gets the
biggest full face pop he’s gotten in quite a while
(well, minus Wichita, we shall not speak of it). In
case you are retarded or haven’t been paying
attention, he recaps that he’s being fired. His
speech is pretty much what you would expect. Also,
keep wearing all that merch, John, sales aren’t
closed yet! It’s not really worth recapping what he
goes over, you can watch it if you like, but I’m
just going to move right along. There is a HUGE Cena
Sucks chant vs. a smaller Let’s Go Cena at one
point. After ten minutes, Cena says he needs to help
Wade out before he leaves because he might have
talent. It’s a suggestion to work harder if he wants
fan support. Uh, okay. Genius. The speech lasts a
total of thirteen minutes before he finally decides
to leave. At least it was….short? Not really. They
just show fan reactions for a bit. Apparently they
didn’t know who to focus on, because some of them
are happy and some
of them look like they are
discussing their stock portfolios.
We cut to
Cena leaving through the back where they’ve
apparently set up the Klingon coming of age trials
of superstars on both sides. Instead of
electrocuting him to death though, they just
applaud. Orton give shim a hug at the end and Wade
Barrett appears form behind to do a “you can’t see
me” taunt as we finally go to break after fifteen
minutes of this.
Ted Dibiase is already in
the ring with Maryse, waiting for a rematch with
Daniel because we might as well give this one away
for free too I guess. Suckers. Daniel is attacked
from behind by Brie Bella who accompanies him to
US Champion Daniel Bryan w/ Brie
Bella vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse (King of the ring
Daniel falls down
hard from Ted running at him. I think he forgot to
get hit first. Ted mounts him for punches and drops
him on his face for a two count. Dibiase hands Bryan
up on the top rope for another two count and then
works a really awkward waist lock rest hold.
Um….kind of looks like he’s just humping him.
Dibiase corner splashes onto nothing. Bryan lands a
corner dropkick, but Dibiase comes back with a spine
buster for two. Bryan rolls out of the corner into
the LaBell lock for the win.
Brie is joined by Nikki in the ring to help Bryan
along and fight over him. He pushes them together
for uh…incest? PG, guys. Also, I’m pretty sure those
outfits do not count as PG anymore, but whatever.
Following the break, Natalya is out to beat up the
person she’s destroyed eighteen times already. Beth
Phoenix is shown to have made he return in saving
Natalya after the match last night.
Diva’s Champion Natalya vs.
Alicia Fox (Non-Title Match)
Natalya goes to a waist lock but Alicia flings her
off. Natalya nips up and monkey flips Alicia only to
get tripped face first into the bottom turnbuckle.
Alicia pulls her hair some and stomps Natalya around
before pulling out a hair extension. Natalya powers
her down, slamming her down by the hair and slapping
her around. The ref decides to just take a break for
a while, probably afraid for his balls. Natalya does
a pumping stalled verticle suplex that I haven’t
seen used in many years. Natalya goes for the
sharpshooter and Alicia grabs the ropes to block.
Natalya goes for a bear hug, but Alicia rolls out
into a sunset flip for two only to be stood up into
Elsewhere, Melina is talking to Morrison about his
King of the ring match before slapping him on the
ass. He blows it off as only guys that can run up
FUCKING WALLS can. After a break, Morrison arrives
to take on Kidd. Kidd already has a generic crappy
entrance theme and new, evil video and evil black
John Morrison vs. EVIL Tyson Kidd (King
of the Ring Qualifier)
Morrison forces Kidd to a corner, but it’s a clean
break. Kidd delivers a kick to the gut before
stomping a mudhole in Morrison. Morrison gets his
face slammed into the ring apron. Tyson picks up a
two count as Punk hilariously mentions he beat
Morrison for the ECW title and if he were Tyson
Kidd, he would have beaten him already. Kidd works a
headlock while he screams, but forgets to actually
go anything. Morrison handstand ducks a kick and
spin kicks Kidd in the back of the head in an
awesome move. Morrison picks up a two count.
Kidd goes to the floor and fights back with some
kicks of his own. A swinging neck breaker gets two
for Kidd. Morrison is sent to the corner where he’s
choked out some. Morrison elbows out and goes for
the Flash kick, but Kidd blocks. Morrison pushes him
off and springs from one rope to the other for the
flash kick and Starship Pain.
I hope Tyson is looking forward to a career in
superstars matches with Yoshi Tatsu. Punk: “He molds
his body right here all over Tyson Kidd.” Uh….that
speaks for itself.
After the break we learn
that the other half of the qualifiers will be on
Smackdown before the tournament happens next week in
another three hour Raw as if we didn’t just have one
of those. Orton arrives for his match when Nexus
tackles him at ringside and Barrett directs the
traffic. The referees eventually make their way out
to push the Nexus off as Orton appears to be hurting
in the knee. One of the refs asks Orton if he wants
to go on with it when Husky breaks away and just
boots him in the kneecap. Huge Nexus Sucks chants
start to build up. At least they finally got heat.
We go to a break but when we return, Wade strolls
out with a big shit-eating grin to his theme as it
seems the ringside area has been cleared. Cole tells
us the GM has no banned Nexus from ringside again.
The ref argues with Wade about allowing the match to
go on when Orton decides to enter on his own accord.
Orton doesn’t immediately arrive when his theme
starts playing but he finally hobbles out after a
Champion Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett (WWE Title
Orton hobbles around
the ring as Wade threatens the knee before
delivering a kick to it. Orton pounds back with
rights and Wade attacks the knee several times to
fend him off until he starts just stomping on the
knee in the corner and working a hold around the
rope. Orton fights him off before Wade charges the
knee in the corner. Wade slams the knee into the
ring apron multiple times and drags him to the
center of the ring for two. King and Punk are
discussing how Orton would have had to forfeit the
match if he did not come out. Which is fine. Because
the title wouldn’t change hands, making Wade’s plan
fucking retarded. Wade continues to kick the knee
and work holds and slam it into the mat for a while.
At least this does a good job of hiding his short
comings in the wrestling aspect of things.
Barrett works a leg lock, but Orton kicks him off
into the corner, Wade slamming his face into a
turnbuckle. Orton dodges a clothesline into the
backbreaker, but has to favor his knee for a bit.
Wade comes back with another attack to te knee and
goes for Wasteland, scooping Orton up and dropping
him. Barrett picks up two when Cena suddenly appears
and drags the referee to the floor. Cena dives into
the ring with an FU on Barrett and he runs from the
ring with Nexus in hot pursuit. This is apparently
not a DQ offense as the ref just climbs back into
the ring like he had the best sex in his life. Wade
charges Orton as he recovers into the RKO for the
Orton goes to recover
in the corner when “AWSOME” rings out and Miz
arrives with his briefcase to cash it in.
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. The Miz w/ Alex Riley
(WWE Title Match)
Miz with a great story-telling stare of death across
the ring. Orton tries to back away but Miz tackles
at the knee only to be pummeled back out of the
corner by Orton. Orton tries to keep himself in the
corners and against the ropes for support, but Miz
finally kicks the knee out and just brutalizes the
leg with elbow drops and knee drops. Miz wraps the
knee around the ring post multiple times. Orton
kicks him off to the security wall and tries to
recover in the corner. He puts Miz down with a
clothesline and elbows out of a skull crushing
finally. A European uppercut sets Miz up for the
suspended DDT, but Miz slips through and punches the
knee out. Orton counters with his power slam and
sets up for an RKO. Miz counters the RKO into the
Skull-crushing Finale for the three.
They zoom in on the most LOL face at ringside of
this little girl(?) that just had me rolling. She
looks like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Miz taunts
with his new title around the ring for a while.
Highlight of the Night:
Definitely the Money in the Bank cash-on. Orton came
out of it looking strong, and Miz and it was
actually a pretty good story-telling match as well,
not to mention a big moment.
Lowlight of the Night: There was Ezekiel
Jackson match on this show. Why would you wonder?
WWE “Creative” Award: Tyson
Kidd’s new “character” is a lot like EVIL Spike
Dudley. I expect a goatee soon enough.