Welcome one and all
to the Best Damn Raw Rant Period. This week, we’ve
actually got a host relevant to Wrestling for once,
which is oddly statistically improbably on a
wrestling show these days. The man who ate Rowdy
Roddy Piper will be the master of ceremonies. We’ve
also got the Undertaker teaming up with John Cena to
take on DX, and the Unified Tag Team Champions. Man,
I’m sure glad all these overpushed stars took it
upon themselves to step aside and let some of the
new blood have the spotlight.
We are live from the city
that’s been destroyed so much that it seems every
force of nature and the universe has a vendetta
against it, New York City. We open with Roddy
talking to some Mexican midget I don’t care about.
Roddy has a freak out minute for some reason and
mentions the guest is a chef. He says he flew in the
Iron Chef….but he got the Iron Sheik. Sheik has a
spazout over Hulk Hogan. I’m not sure he even
actually know where he is, but I have to wonder who
gave him that stupid little beanie he has on. He has
his action figure butt rape Hulk Hogan’s. They then
do “Live from New York, it’s Monday Night Raw”….uhg.
Oh and we got a new theme song that is somehow EVEN
WORSE than the last one. Why would you do this to
me? Why? POR QUE?!
The Miz is the first
superstar out in his brand new little trunks that
look like they were stolen from Glacier. We’ve got
some fancy ring entrance made of TVs that probably
only looks cool to people from New York. Oooo BURN!
He mocks the Yankees and says they bought their
World Series Win, but then again, nobody cares
because Baseball is only popular in New York. I
could do this all night. They start a Yankees chant
because um…I don’t know guess they had nothing
better to do. Miz finally mentions he’s being forced
to defend his belt tonight against a mystery
opponent. He reminds us what a champion looks like
before we are presented with MVP. MVP decided it’s
easy to get pops if you just wear a Yankie’s hat.
Sherri Shepherd hugs him at ringside. Uhg…damn that
bitch is ugly. He could do better. He could at least
The Miz (US Champion) vs. MVP (US Championship
Miz pummels MVP into the corner
and works him over before being pulled off. MVP
leaps over him in a second corner charge and comes
back with a clothesline, hiptoss and body slam. Miz
staggers but dodges a big boot by rolling to the
floor. MVP gives chase and socks him one in the jaw
before tossing Miz back in. MVP blocks an attack
while on the apron, but Miz kicks his knee out to
send MVP back to the floor and slam the back of his
head into the ring post. Nice little spot there I
must say. As much as I give Miz crap, he really has
come into his own as a heel this last year finally
and he has put in a good effort to improve his in
ring skills. Oh never mind, chin lock. MVP fights
back out and starts delivering some stiff rights and
a press slam. MVP levels Miz with a face buster on
the knee and goes for Ballin’. Miz slips out of the
slow and awkward Playmaker because the move is so
fucking ridiculous. Miz counters with a big boot to
a pin for two. MVP
tries another leap frog in the
corner, but he’s caught this time and takes a kick
to the gut followed by the SkullCrushing Finale.
Random Commercial Thought: In
honor of the release of 2012, I’m going to be
watching The Day After Tomorrow through the
commercials and giving you random thoughts on that.-
Okay, so some random buoys give off weird signals
and it’s a huge deal, but not a single person
reports an ENTIRE GLACIER SHELF falling off into the
ocean right next to where we were drilling ice?
Back to the show where we see Chavo lose to an
overweight British Boxer.
Since we’re in New
York, the city that’s special for being populated
mostly by assholes and actors (Same thing amiright?)
(Sub note: I think I’m going for heel today from New
York readers….don’t hurt me), we get more matches.
Chavo is going to take on Santino who is in a New
York sports jersey. He keeps pulling off jerseys and
revealing more and more sports team jerseys for New
York teams. The last one he reveals is the
Phillies…oh no wait it was the Yankees. God I’m
tired of this yesterday.
Santino Marella vs.
The match actually started
before that but Chavo begins the match for us
finally now with the three amigos. Chavo goes up top
but Santino has rolled all the way across the ring
from the Frog Splash. Chavo goes to climb that side
and Santino rolls back. Chavo switches sides again
and we do it again. Is this even really a match?
Chavo goes to drag Santino while Hornswoggle appears
in DX gear doing the chop to distract Chavo so
Santino gets the roll up win.
Chavo chases the midget as
the real DX arrives. Despite this being impromptu,
they manage to get their full twenty minute entrance
out there. Trips says this is the most famous arena
in the world (Hi! I’m the Roman Coliseum!). They say
they can’t sell their merch because…oh wait it’s
reverse psychology. Very amusing. Sherri Shephard
gets one for free because she supposedly couldn’t
afford it. I’m pretty sure she can’t read either,
but anyway, onto their promo which is about the
Triple Threat match. They swear they will not turn
on each other so long as they get the belt. They
then go on to talk about Hornswoggle. Perhaps they
could murder him? Instead they say if he comes out
now they will consider his membership into DX. He
cross chops all around the ring and mocks their
respective poses. Trips has to tell him to stop
several times. They do an Are You Ready, which I’m
sorry but Hornswoggle isn’t deserving of it. They
then go on
to…pedigree his midget ass. Thank god!
Can anyone actually boo this? At all? That’s what I
thought. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Trips have a
bigger grin than when he had Hornswoggle’s head
between his legs. Hmm.
After the act, they
put Hornswoggle on a little DX stretcher and carry
him out. W-where are they going with that small man?
Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: I love how the
people in California apparently have no fucking clue
what to do during a tornado and run around like
retards and die, including the weathermen.
Back to the show where they play that shitty Jay Z
song about New York and talk about how awesome it
is. Oh for Christ’s sake. Okay people, let’s point
something out to you for those of you not informed
with the point of view that the rest of us “hicks”
view New York City. Actually here just read this:
You see, the rest of us live in
cities too, but if you were to watch a show or
movie, you’d assume everything south or east of New
York until you get to California is either swampland
rednecks or cow-grazing farm hicks. And before you
ask, yes I am enjoying my nice big soapbox here.
In other news, Roddy is approached by Jericho in the
back. He keeps doing these weird spazzed out comedy
routines before Chris Masters is brought out to make
his pecs dance to Boom Boom Boom by the Black Eyed
Peas. Uh…And why is Jericho wearing low cut cowboy
jeans like a gay porn star or cast member of
Twilight? Speaking of the peas, the two members
nobody ever cared about because they don’t have tits
or a name as cool as Will I Am are at ringside. Also
Melina is coming out for a match.
After Tomorrow Thought: Things I learned from
movies- the government wants us to die from every
monster/giant animal/lab experiement/disaster until
a sufficient number of us is dead for the problem to
Back to the show. Judan Freelander
from 30 Rock is out. Um, why? No seriously, I demand
to know why. He’s announcing the Diva’s title match.
I’ve never watched 30 Rock so I must ask why this
man looks just one step up from homeless. Alicia is
announced as “All the way from Florida” and I have
to wonder why Melina wasn’t “All the way from
Mexico.” Apparently Alicia’s outfit is All The Way
from 1974. Judan is asks to announce her as the next
champion. He says he’s only here for two reasons,
one is to see Melina’s entrance and the other is to
reveal this is a “LumberJill” match. A what? At
least there’s lots of padding to fall on if they
take a spill out of the ring now.
Alicia Fox vs. Diva’s Champion
Melina (Lumberjack Diva’s Championship Match)
Alicia is tossed quickly but she dives back into the
ring only to be rolled up for two. Melina matrixes a
clothesline but gets sent to the floor and tackled
by Divas. Melina is back in and eats canvas (maybe
carpet next time?) before she comes back with a drop
toe hold. Melina starts to fight back with
clotheslines and a kick in the corner but she walks
right into a tilt a whirl back breaker. Melina
reverses a weird looking move into an even weird
looking move that was a bit like a Canadian
Destroyer. She picks up the three.
McCool tackles Melina after the match but Team
Mickie manages to fight off the heels while Judan
manages to grope as many fake tits as possible.
Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: I would have left
Cancer Boy to die in a heartbeat. You know, like the
two he has left! Hiyoooo!
Aaaand we’re back.
I’m not sure I’ve alienated enough people here yet.
I’ll need to make sure to mock some black people
later. We get the announcement that USA has renewed
Raw into 2014, which I’m assuming means they put
very little stock into the 2012 prophesy. Piper is
out now while I still gotta say leather jackets
don’t go well with kilts. The funniest thing every
is when the Roddy chanting guys stop mid-sentence
awkwardly and sit back down when the camera turns to
them. Piper seems to be having issues here tonight.
I can barely understand what some of the things are
he’s saying. Um…are we still on script here? He
lists off his opponents and says if you mess with
Hot Rod, you’ll either be Bald or Dead….woooow. He
says he went there and says he loves, them but
mostly only the dead ones and he’s the reason Hogan
is bald. He says he’s done unspeakable things here
and he loved every minutes of it and he has one more
nasty job to
do. Clean up his locker? He wants
more match with…Vince McMahon? God help me.
He calls out Vince and we get the swaggering man
wearing a suit that looks like he stole it off of
Beetlejuice. Oh god I just got horrible visions of a
Tim Burton/WWE Films team up. Vince mocks his dye
job and says the worst thing he’s ever done in the
Garden is show up here tonight because mother nature
has not been so good. You can’t talk to a man who
kicked cancer’s ass like that. Vince says his
ancestors would be ashamed of him if they were to
throw down tonight. Vince goes on to say he’s better
looking than everyone in the history of ever. Vince
says that as of right now he is officially retired
from ring action. That’s a load off my mind. Oh
wait, Roddy isn’t done. Roddy says that was another
word for coward. Piper seems to be a bit confused
before he mentions that he’s gone down in an
airplane and beaten cancer. Piper says he’ll be out
again later and see if Vince is man enough to meet
him and get retired for ever. Vince starts to
yell something but he gets cut off by an
advertisement for the main event and King has to
keep from laughing as you can hear Vince upset by
this in the background.
Random Day After
Tomorrow Thought: When you’re about to die, it’s a
better idea to fuck the girl of your dreams’ brains
out rather than pussyfoot around with things like
“feelings”. Just saying.
Back to the show
where Sheamus is out. Where are you going? Sheamus
demands somebody come out to take on his might.
Nobody does so he beats up a technician at ringside.
That’s a perfectly reasonable way to take out
aggression I think, but just as I thought this leads
to King getting kicked in the face for being angry
about it. There’s an idiot at ringside who painted
their body entirely green. Just wanted to point out
that little odyssey. I like the kids demanding that
they tough their hands while they writhe on the
floor in pain. Oh yay, a replay of them both getting
wrecked just for fun.
Random Day After
Tomorrow Thought: You know, they probably could have
saved Frank if he had immediately started pulling
himself back up the rope instead of hanging there
like a useless sack of crap.
Back to the show
where Cole is working on his serious voice and teams
up with Striker whose excuse for being here is that
he lives here and apparently decided to attend Raw
in a suit. Makes sense…..not really. They run down
the Survivor Series card for us, but not in the ring
like we’ve been getting it recently. Evan Bourne is
on his way out now while we get a replay of his
victory from last week over Swagger. Speaking of
Swagger. I like how his background is the Statue of
Random Day After Tomorrow Thought:
The President literally died in two seconds off
screen. That’s bullshit.
Back to the match in
Bourne vs. Jack Swagger
Evan has a
look on his face like “Oh god, my butt!” as Jack is
seen humping him from behind. After that awkwardness
they pull the camera back enough we can see it’s a
waist lock, but damn. Swagger tries for a vertical
suplex but gets knees in the face and a swing around
roll up gets no count for Bourne. Bourne kicks
Swagger to the corner and charges but is tossed to
the apron. Bourne lands on his feet and manages a
knee press off the top for two. Swagger tries a
clothesline but misses, however he catches the
moonsault and starts ramming Bourne into the corners
before dragging him off into a huge, amazing looking
gut wrench power bomb for three.
In the back, Piper is stalking angrily before we go
Random Day After Tomorrow
Thought: WOLVES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.
really been getting all these breaks rapid fire, had
to make up for a lack of them earlier I guess. Piper
is in the ring already and he’s thankfully wearing a
T-shirt and jeans. He demands Vince come out to meet
him and instead we get Orton. Oh, was wondering what
happened to that guy.
Orton says Piper has a big problem. The cocaine? Oh,
it’s Orton. We get a bit of an Orton chant before he
kicks Piper in the gut and Piper calls for a time
out while he staggers. He delivers the most obvious
cheap shot ever and Orton just kicks him a few more
time for his trouble. RKO chant begins while Orton
winds up the soccer kick. He goes in, expecting to
be stopped by music, but it’s a little late so he
stops himself awkwardly and -then- Kingston’s music
interrupts and Kofi attacks. Orton takes a walk but
Kingston tackles from behind and brawls with Orton
in the aisle before taking it to the crowd. Orton
fights back and starts to level Kofi with a few
blows but an attempt to slam him to a chair is
blocked and Orton eats the chair instead. Orton
manages to toss Kofi back toward the ring and starts
stomping him in the lower midsection because
apparently even though a truly evil man would just
stomp his unborn children into powder, he still has
Orton takes the fight back into the
ring and hangs Kofi’s neck up on the bottom rope.
This plan seems to have gone wrong somewhere. Orton
winds up his kick on Kingston, but Kofi leaps up
into a clothesline to counter it and Orton runs away
again. Kingston comes back on the floor now and
slams Orton into the barricade. Striker says he
didn’t know this Kingston existed. I guess the brand
separation does work! They go out to the crowd again
and finally get separated only to break away and
brawl some more. Kingston dives into the crowd of
refs around Orton when they drag him off a second
time so they decide to restrain Kofi instead. Yeah,
blame it on the black man (Told you I would get
around to it). They are up to the second tier of
seats now still fighting. We must have had a lot of
time to kill.
Orton is slammed into the steel
posts and off into the sound boot/fold out table
with a sheet on it. I like how the guy on the
computers doesn’t even pay them a second glance
whatsoever like “Ho hum, yes yes that’s nice. Please
do clean up after yourselves.” Orton is beaten onto
the table and big Kofi chants start up. Kofi
prepares to leap from the railing onto Orton on the
table but the ref’s pull him off like assholes and
he decides to break away from them and do it anyway,
delivering Boom Boom Boom through the table that was
suspiciously empty amidst all this more needed
Random Twilight/New Moon Thought:
WOLVES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.
Back to the
show. The new Raw theme is by Nickelback I guess and
I actually like them, but I have to say this is one
of the worst songs by them I’ve ever heard. We cut
to the back for John Cena to cut a promo. I suddenly
realize what the Hornswoggle and Undertaker things
are for. To get as many people to actually cheer for
Cena in New York as possible (won’t work). He says
he has a handicap match at the PPV. Cena gets
interrupted by a note. He seems annoyed and that it
changes nothing because it turns out it’s a Triple
Threat match. That joke sucked. Props to Cena for
the first wrestler to manage to reference the Stay
Puff Marshmallow Man in a promo.
We cut to
ringside for Big Show and Jericho before heading to
Random Day After Tomorrow
Thought: The villain chasing our intrepid heroes is
ice. Why the ice just sort of traveled instead of
descending upon them en masse like it was supposed
to I don’t know, but wasn’t it exciting?!
Back to the show. DX is out next with full entrance
and pyro on top of it this time, but it somehow
still manages to be shorter than the version they
did earlier tonight. Cena practically books it to
the ring since he seems to know we’re already
running over time tonight and we haven’t even
started this match. We then finally get the
undertaker with full Acolyte intro. Looks like we’re
running to midnight folks. In his jacket right now,
Taker looks more like an action figure. They always
have those leather jackets that come down over their
hands and make it look like their arm joints are in
the wrong place. For some reason Big Show is doing
shadow boxing right now.
WWE Champion John
Cena & World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker vs.
Unified Tag Team Champions The Big Show & Chris
Jericho vs. Degeneration X
of this match we are doing is with three guys in the
ring, instead of two with anyone allowed to tag in.
Jericho, Michaels and Cena start off and Cena forces
them both back with power. Jericho cowers out to Big
Show. Shawn one ups with Trips so Cena tags in
Taker. Trips and Taker stare down while Big Show
talks shit so they both turn to him and start to
take the big man down. Trips hit’s a face buster and
Taker sends Show to the floor before leveling Trips
with a boot. Taker hits some shoot fighting in the
corner but Trips comes back with a spine buster. He
makes the tag to Shawn who offers it. He removes his
DX wrist guards for the rematch with Taker. They
stare down while Show is cooling his heels from the
hardest clothesline of all time I guess.
Michaels comes in with chops to the chest and skins
the cat when Taker tries to dump him. Taker sees it
coming and grabs Michaels but he manages to get to
his feet while Big Show nails Taker with a spear and
clubs Michaels. Jericho is in now, taunting delivers
a neck breaker to Michaels. I like how Taker is
completely down right by Cena who isn’t bothering to
tag. Jericho manages the Walls on Michaels but Taker
comes in with a choke slam. Cena tags himself in
before the choke slam is delivered and puts Jericho
down with a bulldog. Michaels dropkicks from off
screen and Trips is in. Trips hammers Jericho who
falls right into a Cena side slam. Trips and Cena
stare down before Trips chops his crotch and goes to
work. Big Show comes in from behind having made the
tag now and delivers a double choke slam. Undertaker
is in now for some reason and hit’s the flip over
clothesline on Show and kicks him to the floor. Show
throws Taker into the barricade while
Jericho covers Cena for two.
Shawn is just
chilling out on the apron wanting a tag so Trips is
crawling to the corner while Jericho tries to stop
him to no avail. Michaels is in now on Jericho and
he delivers the general offense. Michaels drops the
elbow and tunes up the band (smartly in his own
corner). Cena is up and he ducks the music before
delivering his own five moves of doom. Michaels
takes the five knuckle shuffle and is scooped for
the FU but Trips makes the blind tag and the save.
Cena eats a rising knee and the face buster as well
as a spine buster. Trips fires up and goes for a
pedigree but Big Show head butts him. Sure ref, why
not? Michaels comes in and delivers a super kick to
Show, but steps right into the code breaker. Taker
sneaks in behind Jericho with a choke slam and Trips
clotheslines Taker to the floor. Trips turns around
into the FU for the three.
Spotfest took LESS time than the entrances for it
did. After the match while Cena is celebrating, he
turns right into a tombstone from Taker.
Highlight of the Night: The Miz actually put on a
good match, worth seeing….Nah I’m just kidding this
goes to Hornswoggle getting a Pedigree.
Lowlight of the Night: The Entrances of doom that
should never be combined.
Award: Roddy/Vince served what purpose besides
making Piper look senile and stupid?
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is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best
Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday
night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno"
(not to be confused with all those impostors out there)
Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to
assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man,
Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to
science. (which makes his current day to day life quite
uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).