WWE
RAW RANT:
(11/16/09)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome one and all to the Best Damn Raw Rant Period. This week, we’ve actually got a host relevant to Wrestling for once, which is oddly statistically improbably on a wrestling show these days. The man who ate Rowdy Roddy Piper will be the master of ceremonies. We’ve also got the Undertaker teaming up with John Cena to take on DX, and the Unified Tag Team Champions. Man, I’m sure glad all these overpushed stars took it upon themselves to step aside and let some of the new blood have the spotlight.

Raw 11.16.09

We are live from the city that’s been destroyed so much that it seems every force of nature and the universe has a vendetta against it, New York City. We open with Roddy talking to some Mexican midget I don’t care about. Roddy has a freak out minute for some reason and mentions the guest is a chef. He says he flew in the Iron Chef….but he got the Iron Sheik. Sheik has a spazout over Hulk Hogan. I’m not sure he even actually know where he is, but I have to wonder who gave him that stupid little beanie he has on. He has his action figure butt rape Hulk Hogan’s. They then do “Live from New York, it’s Monday Night Raw”….uhg. Oh and we got a new theme song that is somehow EVEN WORSE than the last one. Why would you do this to me? Why? POR QUE?!

The Miz is the first superstar out in his brand new little trunks that look like they were stolen from Glacier. We’ve got some fancy ring entrance made of TVs that probably only looks cool to people from New York. Oooo BURN! He mocks the Yankees and says they bought their World Series Win, but then again, nobody cares because Baseball is only popular in New York. I could do this all night. They start a Yankees chant because um…I don’t know guess they had nothing better to do. Miz finally mentions he’s being forced to defend his belt tonight against a mystery opponent. He reminds us what a champion looks like before we are presented with MVP. MVP decided it’s easy to get pops if you just wear a Yankie’s hat. Sherri Shepherd hugs him at ringside. Uhg…damn that bitch is ugly. He could do better. He could at least pull Oprah.

The Miz (US Champion) vs. MVP (US Championship Match)

Miz pummels MVP into the corner and works him over before being pulled off. MVP leaps over him in a second corner charge and comes back with a clothesline, hiptoss and body slam. Miz staggers but dodges a big boot by rolling to the floor. MVP gives chase and socks him one in the jaw before tossing Miz back in. MVP blocks an attack while on the apron, but Miz kicks his knee out to send MVP back to the floor and slam the back of his head into the ring post. Nice little spot there I must say. As much as I give Miz crap, he really has come into his own as a heel this last year finally and he has put in a good effort to improve his in ring skills. Oh never mind, chin lock. MVP fights back out and starts delivering some stiff rights and a press slam. MVP levels Miz with a face buster on the knee and goes for Ballin’. Miz slips out of the slow and awkward Playmaker because the move is so fucking ridiculous. Miz counters with a big boot to a pin for two. MVP
tries another leap frog in the corner, but he’s caught this time and takes a kick to the gut followed by the SkullCrushing Finale.
Winner: Miz

Random Commercial Thought: In honor of the release of 2012, I’m going to be watching The Day After Tomorrow through the commercials and giving you random thoughts on that.- Okay, so some random buoys give off weird signals and it’s a huge deal, but not a single person reports an ENTIRE GLACIER SHELF falling off into the ocean right next to where we were drilling ice?

Back to the show where we see Chavo lose to an overweight British Boxer.

Since we’re in New York, the city that’s special for being populated mostly by assholes and actors (Same thing amiright?) (Sub note: I think I’m going for heel today from New York readers….don’t hurt me), we get more matches. Chavo is going to take on Santino who is in a New York sports jersey. He keeps pulling off jerseys and revealing more and more sports team jerseys for New York teams. The last one he reveals is the Phillies…oh no wait it was the Yankees. God I’m tired of this yesterday.

Santino Marella vs. Chavo Guerrero

The match actually started before that but Chavo begins the match for us finally now with the three amigos. Chavo goes up top but Santino has rolled all the way across the ring from the Frog Splash. Chavo goes to climb that side and Santino rolls back. Chavo switches sides again and we do it again. Is this even really a match? Chavo goes to drag Santino while Hornswoggle appears in DX gear doing the chop to distract Chavo so Santino gets the roll up win.
Winner: Santino

Chavo chases the midget as the real DX arrives. Despite this being impromptu, they manage to get their full twenty minute entrance out there. Trips says this is the most famous arena in the world (Hi! I’m the Roman Coliseum!). They say they can’t sell their merch because…oh wait it’s reverse psychology. Very amusing. Sherri Shephard gets one for free because she supposedly couldn’t afford it. I’m pretty sure she can’t read either, but anyway, onto their promo which is about the Triple Threat match. They swear they will not turn on each other so long as they get the belt. They then go on to talk about Hornswoggle. Perhaps they could murder him? Instead they say if he comes out now they will consider his membership into DX. He cross chops all around the ring and mocks their respective poses. Trips has to tell him to stop several times. They do an Are You Ready, which I’m sorry but Hornswoggle isn’t deserving of it. They then go on
to…pedigree his midget ass. Thank god! Can anyone actually boo this? At all? That’s what I thought. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Trips have a bigger grin than when he had Hornswoggle’s head between his legs. Hmm.

After the act, they put Hornswoggle on a little DX stretcher and carry him out. W-where are they going with that small man?

Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: I love how the people in California apparently have no fucking clue what to do during a tornado and run around like retards and die, including the weathermen.

Back to the show where they play that shitty Jay Z song about New York and talk about how awesome it is. Oh for Christ’s sake. Okay people, let’s point something out to you for those of you not informed with the point of view that the rest of us “hicks” view New York City. Actually here just read this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BigApplesauce

You see, the rest of us live in cities too, but if you were to watch a show or movie, you’d assume everything south or east of New York until you get to California is either swampland rednecks or cow-grazing farm hicks. And before you ask, yes I am enjoying my nice big soapbox here.

In other news, Roddy is approached by Jericho in the back. He keeps doing these weird spazzed out comedy routines before Chris Masters is brought out to make his pecs dance to Boom Boom Boom by the Black Eyed Peas. Uh…And why is Jericho wearing low cut cowboy jeans like a gay porn star or cast member of Twilight? Speaking of the peas, the two members nobody ever cared about because they don’t have tits or a name as cool as Will I Am are at ringside. Also Melina is coming out for a match.

Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: Things I learned from movies- the government wants us to die from every monster/giant animal/lab experiement/disaster until a sufficient number of us is dead for the problem to be “real”.

Back to the show. Judan Freelander from 30 Rock is out. Um, why? No seriously, I demand to know why. He’s announcing the Diva’s title match. I’ve never watched 30 Rock so I must ask why this man looks just one step up from homeless. Alicia is announced as “All the way from Florida” and I have to wonder why Melina wasn’t “All the way from Mexico.” Apparently Alicia’s outfit is All The Way from 1974. Judan is asks to announce her as the next champion. He says he’s only here for two reasons, one is to see Melina’s entrance and the other is to reveal this is a “LumberJill” match. A what? At least there’s lots of padding to fall on if they take a spill out of the ring now.

Alicia Fox vs. Diva’s Champion Melina (Lumberjack Diva’s Championship Match)

Alicia is tossed quickly but she dives back into the ring only to be rolled up for two. Melina matrixes a clothesline but gets sent to the floor and tackled by Divas. Melina is back in and eats canvas (maybe carpet next time?) before she comes back with a drop toe hold. Melina starts to fight back with clotheslines and a kick in the corner but she walks right into a tilt a whirl back breaker. Melina reverses a weird looking move into an even weird looking move that was a bit like a Canadian Destroyer. She picks up the three.
Winner: Melina

McCool tackles Melina after the match but Team Mickie manages to fight off the heels while Judan manages to grope as many fake tits as possible.

Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: I would have left Cancer Boy to die in a heartbeat. You know, like the two he has left! Hiyoooo!

Aaaand we’re back. I’m not sure I’ve alienated enough people here yet. I’ll need to make sure to mock some black people later. We get the announcement that USA has renewed Raw into 2014, which I’m assuming means they put very little stock into the 2012 prophesy. Piper is out now while I still gotta say leather jackets don’t go well with kilts. The funniest thing every is when the Roddy chanting guys stop mid-sentence awkwardly and sit back down when the camera turns to them. Piper seems to be having issues here tonight. I can barely understand what some of the things are he’s saying. Um…are we still on script here? He lists off his opponents and says if you mess with Hot Rod, you’ll either be Bald or Dead….woooow. He says he went there and says he loves, them but mostly only the dead ones and he’s the reason Hogan is bald. He says he’s done unspeakable things here and he loved every minutes of it and he has one more nasty job to
do. Clean up his locker? He wants more match with…Vince McMahon? God help me.

He calls out Vince and we get the swaggering man wearing a suit that looks like he stole it off of Beetlejuice. Oh god I just got horrible visions of a Tim Burton/WWE Films team up. Vince mocks his dye job and says the worst thing he’s ever done in the Garden is show up here tonight because mother nature has not been so good. You can’t talk to a man who kicked cancer’s ass like that. Vince says his ancestors would be ashamed of him if they were to throw down tonight. Vince goes on to say he’s better looking than everyone in the history of ever. Vince says that as of right now he is officially retired from ring action. That’s a load off my mind. Oh wait, Roddy isn’t done. Roddy says that was another word for coward. Piper seems to be a bit confused before he mentions that he’s gone down in an airplane and beaten cancer. Piper says he’ll be out again later and see if Vince is man enough to meet him and get retired for ever. Vince starts to
yell something but he gets cut off by an advertisement for the main event and King has to keep from laughing as you can hear Vince upset by this in the background.

Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: When you’re about to die, it’s a better idea to fuck the girl of your dreams’ brains out rather than pussyfoot around with things like “feelings”. Just saying.

Back to the show where Sheamus is out. Where are you going? Sheamus demands somebody come out to take on his might. Nobody does so he beats up a technician at ringside. That’s a perfectly reasonable way to take out aggression I think, but just as I thought this leads to King getting kicked in the face for being angry about it. There’s an idiot at ringside who painted their body entirely green. Just wanted to point out that little odyssey. I like the kids demanding that they tough their hands while they writhe on the floor in pain. Oh yay, a replay of them both getting wrecked just for fun.

Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: You know, they probably could have saved Frank if he had immediately started pulling himself back up the rope instead of hanging there like a useless sack of crap.

Back to the show where Cole is working on his serious voice and teams up with Striker whose excuse for being here is that he lives here and apparently decided to attend Raw in a suit. Makes sense…..not really. They run down the Survivor Series card for us, but not in the ring like we’ve been getting it recently. Evan Bourne is on his way out now while we get a replay of his victory from last week over Swagger. Speaking of Swagger. I like how his background is the Statue of Liberty.

Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: The President literally died in two seconds off screen. That’s bullshit.

Back to the match in progress.

Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger

Evan has a look on his face like “Oh god, my butt!” as Jack is seen humping him from behind. After that awkwardness they pull the camera back enough we can see it’s a waist lock, but damn. Swagger tries for a vertical suplex but gets knees in the face and a swing around roll up gets no count for Bourne. Bourne kicks Swagger to the corner and charges but is tossed to the apron. Bourne lands on his feet and manages a knee press off the top for two. Swagger tries a clothesline but misses, however he catches the moonsault and starts ramming Bourne into the corners before dragging him off into a huge, amazing looking gut wrench power bomb for three.
Winner: Swagger

In the back, Piper is stalking angrily before we go to commercial.

Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: WOLVES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.

We’ve really been getting all these breaks rapid fire, had to make up for a lack of them earlier I guess. Piper is in the ring already and he’s thankfully wearing a T-shirt and jeans. He demands Vince come out to meet him and instead we get Orton. Oh, was wondering what happened to that guy.

Not really.

Orton says Piper has a big problem. The cocaine? Oh, it’s Orton. We get a bit of an Orton chant before he kicks Piper in the gut and Piper calls for a time out while he staggers. He delivers the most obvious cheap shot ever and Orton just kicks him a few more time for his trouble. RKO chant begins while Orton winds up the soccer kick. He goes in, expecting to be stopped by music, but it’s a little late so he stops himself awkwardly and -then- Kingston’s music interrupts and Kofi attacks. Orton takes a walk but Kingston tackles from behind and brawls with Orton in the aisle before taking it to the crowd. Orton fights back and starts to level Kofi with a few blows but an attempt to slam him to a chair is blocked and Orton eats the chair instead. Orton manages to toss Kofi back toward the ring and starts stomping him in the lower midsection because apparently even though a truly evil man would just stomp his unborn children into powder, he still has
morals.

Orton takes the fight back into the ring and hangs Kofi’s neck up on the bottom rope. This plan seems to have gone wrong somewhere. Orton winds up his kick on Kingston, but Kofi leaps up into a clothesline to counter it and Orton runs away again. Kingston comes back on the floor now and slams Orton into the barricade. Striker says he didn’t know this Kingston existed. I guess the brand separation does work! They go out to the crowd again and finally get separated only to break away and brawl some more. Kingston dives into the crowd of refs around Orton when they drag him off a second time so they decide to restrain Kofi instead. Yeah, blame it on the black man (Told you I would get around to it). They are up to the second tier of seats now still fighting. We must have had a lot of time to kill.

Orton is slammed into the steel posts and off into the sound boot/fold out table with a sheet on it. I like how the guy on the computers doesn’t even pay them a second glance whatsoever like “Ho hum, yes yes that’s nice. Please do clean up after yourselves.” Orton is beaten onto the table and big Kofi chants start up. Kofi prepares to leap from the railing onto Orton on the table but the ref’s pull him off like assholes and he decides to break away from them and do it anyway, delivering Boom Boom Boom through the table that was suspiciously empty amidst all this more needed equipment.

Random Twilight/New Moon Thought: WOLVES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Back to the show. The new Raw theme is by Nickelback I guess and I actually like them, but I have to say this is one of the worst songs by them I’ve ever heard. We cut to the back for John Cena to cut a promo. I suddenly realize what the Hornswoggle and Undertaker things are for. To get as many people to actually cheer for Cena in New York as possible (won’t work). He says he has a handicap match at the PPV. Cena gets interrupted by a note. He seems annoyed and that it changes nothing because it turns out it’s a Triple Threat match. That joke sucked. Props to Cena for the first wrestler to manage to reference the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man in a promo.

We cut to ringside for Big Show and Jericho before heading to commercial.

Random Day After Tomorrow Thought: The villain chasing our intrepid heroes is ice. Why the ice just sort of traveled instead of descending upon them en masse like it was supposed to I don’t know, but wasn’t it exciting?!

Back to the show. DX is out next with full entrance and pyro on top of it this time, but it somehow still manages to be shorter than the version they did earlier tonight. Cena practically books it to the ring since he seems to know we’re already running over time tonight and we haven’t even started this match. We then finally get the undertaker with full Acolyte intro. Looks like we’re running to midnight folks. In his jacket right now, Taker looks more like an action figure. They always have those leather jackets that come down over their hands and make it look like their arm joints are in the wrong place. For some reason Big Show is doing shadow boxing right now.


WWE Champion John Cena & World Heavyweight Champion The Undertaker vs. Unified Tag Team Champions The Big Show & Chris Jericho vs. Degeneration X

The version of this match we are doing is with three guys in the ring, instead of two with anyone allowed to tag in. Jericho, Michaels and Cena start off and Cena forces them both back with power. Jericho cowers out to Big Show. Shawn one ups with Trips so Cena tags in Taker. Trips and Taker stare down while Big Show talks shit so they both turn to him and start to take the big man down. Trips hit’s a face buster and Taker sends Show to the floor before leveling Trips with a boot. Taker hits some shoot fighting in the corner but Trips comes back with a spine buster. He makes the tag to Shawn who offers it. He removes his DX wrist guards for the rematch with Taker. They stare down while Show is cooling his heels from the hardest clothesline of all time I guess.

Michaels comes in with chops to the chest and skins the cat when Taker tries to dump him. Taker sees it coming and grabs Michaels but he manages to get to his feet while Big Show nails Taker with a spear and clubs Michaels. Jericho is in now, taunting delivers a neck breaker to Michaels. I like how Taker is completely down right by Cena who isn’t bothering to tag. Jericho manages the Walls on Michaels but Taker comes in with a choke slam. Cena tags himself in before the choke slam is delivered and puts Jericho down with a bulldog. Michaels dropkicks from off screen and Trips is in. Trips hammers Jericho who falls right into a Cena side slam. Trips and Cena stare down before Trips chops his crotch and goes to work. Big Show comes in from behind having made the tag now and delivers a double choke slam. Undertaker is in now for some reason and hit’s the flip over clothesline on Show and kicks him to the floor. Show throws Taker into the barricade while
back inside Jericho covers Cena for two.

Shawn is just chilling out on the apron wanting a tag so Trips is crawling to the corner while Jericho tries to stop him to no avail. Michaels is in now on Jericho and he delivers the general offense. Michaels drops the elbow and tunes up the band (smartly in his own corner). Cena is up and he ducks the music before delivering his own five moves of doom. Michaels takes the five knuckle shuffle and is scooped for the FU but Trips makes the blind tag and the save. Cena eats a rising knee and the face buster as well as a spine buster. Trips fires up and goes for a pedigree but Big Show head butts him. Sure ref, why not? Michaels comes in and delivers a super kick to Show, but steps right into the code breaker. Taker sneaks in behind Jericho with a choke slam and Trips clotheslines Taker to the floor. Trips turns around into the FU for the three.
Winner: Cena

Spotfest took LESS time than the entrances for it did. After the match while Cena is celebrating, he turns right into a tombstone from Taker.

Highlight of the Night: The Miz actually put on a good match, worth seeing….Nah I’m just kidding this goes to Hornswoggle getting a Pedigree.

Lowlight of the Night: The Entrances of doom that should never be combined.

WWE “Creative” Award: Roddy/Vince served what purpose besides making Piper look senile and stupid?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.