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WWE
RAW RANT:
(11/15/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome to a special three hour edition of the Best Damn Raw Rant, Period. Relieve classic WWE moments as they really happened! Like Katie Vick!….okay, bad example. Um, like Mae Young’s heart moving baby delivery! Hm…what were the classic moments again? I think I’ve forgotten after all of these years.

Raw 11.15.10

We have a kind of weird opening for Raw old School which just ad old effects on the new opening video before a siren and pro open the show. What’s with the fucking syren? I can’t even hear Michael Cole over it. Cole and King are standing at ringside and Cole introduces themselves as Jessie the Body and Vince McMahon. King is in his classic red garb and crown. What the fuck that syren didn’t end until Justin Robert in his 70s hair introduces Gene Okerlund’s corpse. This crowd doesn’t seem to carry about any of this stuff right now. They certainly aren’t popping for it, but they probably don’t even remember any of them.

Gene calls out Cowboy Bob Orton who apparently has the opposite of what Wolverine has because he has yet to heal that arm. Bob says Randy isn’t here yet and will be here soon. I love how Bob calls Cena by the name of John Cenar. He gets a heel pop for saying he doesn’t care what happens to Cena’s career. For some reason the entrance ramp is the old Raw is War ramp from the attitude era while everyone else seems to be Rock n Wrestling era. Wade interrupts and dares to insinuate Bob’s cast is a fake. LIES! LIEAS AND SLANDER! Miz interrupts things again and comes out to say he can cash in whenever he likes and might even do so tonight. Cena interrupts on the Titantron to say he will make sure Miz won’t cash in the briefcase tonight so that he can earn his freedom at the PPV. Cena challenges Miz to a match and Miz accepts.

Random Commercial Thought: In order to increase sales for their shitty movie, the commercial flat out lies about how good it is and tries to remind you that the cartoon was really good.

Back to the show where Dolph Ziggler is out for a match….and is up against Mark Henry who comes out as Sexual Chocolate, complete with ring gear and entrance and grease…oh that’s just the pizza grease. Cole is pissed he has to sit on a steal chair for tonight instead of a leather chair.

Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Mark Henry (Non-title match)

Henry slams Ziggler who tries to hit attack early, hurting his knee. Dolph dives to the floor and crawls back in to get clotheslined. He dodges another clothesline and goes for a sleeper hold, but Henry just backs into the corner. Dolph gets punched off the top turnbuckle to the floor. King immediately reminds us that Henry used to date Mae Young. I was just kidding about the hand thing, you know. Ziggler catches him on the way back into the ring and starts to stomp Henry down. A Chocolate chant builds. Henry shoves Ziggler off who conveniently runs into some stationary clotheslines.

Ziggler staggers Henry and seems to have him reeling but Henry delivers the World’s Strongest Slam sloppily out of rush. Ziggler makes the ropes with his foot and Henry goes for the Big Splash, but it misses. The crowd rallies for Henry again who takes “Zig-Zag” from Dolph, but it’s really just the Fameasser on the ground. It gets two and Ziggler delivers it again for another two. Ziggler finally just goes for a grounded sleeper and ends it with that.
Winner: Ziggler

In the back, the Heart Dynasty run into a bald black guy I don’t recognize who rambles on unintelligibly. He never stops, but does grease his arms with WD-40 before Smith drags Tyson away. Ooookaaaay?

Random Commercial Thought: I need chicken now.

Yoshi Tatsu is in the back with that guy again who is still talking. To make sure you remember he is Japanese, he commits seppuku. At least he didn’t choppy choppy a pee pee.

WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater vs. The Hart Dynasty (Non-Title Match)

Gabriel and Smith do some quick chain wrestling before Gabriel delivers some kicks to the knees only to get caught. Smith looks like he might go for a sharpshooter after tripping Gabriel, but instead just stomps the mid section. Smith delivers triple belly to belly suplexes out of the corner for a two count that Slater breaks up. Awesome bit from Smith there. Slater gets in and is immediately power slammed for two. Smith crushes him in the corner with a clothesline and goes for the running power slam. Gabriel distracts, allowing Slater to land a kick and ground Smith into the heel corner for double teaming. Marvel at the extent of Heath Slater’s amazing in-ring ability with kicks and punches. Makes me wonder why he wasn’t a champion before!

Slater picks up a two count and misses a corner splash. This apparently kills him dead and he crawls to a tag. Smith goes for the tag to Tyson to sidesteps and flip kicks Smith in the face, setting up for the 450 from Gabriel. God damnit.
Winners: Nexus

Oh yay. They broke up the only good tag team on the show like they always do. I’m so happy. Fuck you, WWE. At least Smith makes a bitter beer face.

In the back, Truth interrupts an interview between Gene and Orton. Truth plays up how much of a friend to Cena he must be by saying that Cena will screw him. What a great guy. Orton says he could just punt Cena in the head tonight and take him out to make sure he doesn’t get fucked.

Random Commercial Thought: I ride my Lay-Z-Boy into the lake all the time. Then they drag me off of the bottom.

Back to the show where Mean Gene pimps some old school WWF wear. Roberts introduces Howard Finkle to introduce “one of the greatest superstars to ever have set foot in the squared circle” which turns out to be Brooklyn Brawler with Harvey Whippleman. At least he still has torn shirts. I think Howard’s definition of greatest needs some work. Brawler declares himself the king of old school and challenges anyone from the new school to a match before walking in circles like an autistic kid. He gets Ezekiel Jackson. Oh Jesus.

Ezekiel Jackson vs. The Brooklyn Brawler w/ Former Women’s Champion Harvey Whippleman

This guy is a fucking freak. He’s the black Scott Steiner. Brawler takes a shove and falls down but gets up in his face to shove back. He tries a scoop slam but it fails and gets ran down. Zeke flexes an arm and delivers a clothesline before finishing it with his Rock Bottom move that still doesn’t have a name as far as I know.
Winner: Jackson

Random Commercial Thought: Who watches wrestling reality shows online?

Back to the show where Nexus are discussing having Otunga wrestle R-Truth in a match. The GM interrupts (as King points out old school is before laptops and this is bullshit) and says Otunga already has a special match tonight. Wade will have a match to prove he is championship material tonight. This is apparently enough material to warrant yet another commercial break. I just realized we have the same amount of stuff here as a two hour broadcast, just stretched out with even more commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Japan has Mchotdogs.

John Cena decided to stick with his current gimmick instead of an old school one. Too bad. Miz stops on his way out to recap the logic of why he has been challenged to this match, and the GM never sanctioned the match. Miz decides to make a substitution to the match unless the GM disagrees. The GM remains silent and so  Alex Riley makes the sub.

John Cena vs. Alex Riley w/ The Miz

Cole mentions the Cole Miners again in order to apologize to them and lament that in the future he might get to do the show by himself. I would stop watching. Riley gets outwrestled as Cena taunts him and tosses him around. Riley comes back with an elbow in the corner and distracts the ref as if he hurt himself so Miz can knock Cena down from the apron. Riley tackles Cena for some mounted punches and slams him face first for a two count.

Cena fights back to his feet and beats Riley to the corner, but misses a corner charge. Riley starts to put on pressure, but it’s not worth seeing the moves he does, we need to see Miz’s reactions at ringside. It might have been a swinging neck breaker? Cena back body drops Riley away from him and goes into his general offense. Riley takes the full moveset including FU and STF.
Winner: Cena

I’m surprised that wasn’t shorter. Orton hit’s the ring afterward and strips down for his Twilight pop. They start a really awkward brawl that the refs eventually break up. The Gm decides to comment on this by making them both forced guests on Piper’s Pit. Somebody make sure Roddy got his meds this time.

Random Commercial Thought: A sandwich worth fighting for.

Back to the show for the Raw Intro and siren again…um, god turn that fucking thing off. And now, The Iron Sheik and Nikolai come out to sing the USSR anthem.  They are interrupted of course by Santino and Kozlov. Vladimir wants to join in the song. This sparks some USA chants.  Nobody give Sheik a microphone, please. This is better than American Idol. Slightly. Santino says that was crushingly terrible and wants everyone to hear a song that is the story of his life, but he needs some help. Slick. That’s an odd guy to drag out. Sheik has a microphone and managed to mention Hulk Hogan already. I sometimes wonder if he’s crazy, drunk or high, or maybe all three.

Haha, they turned his microphone off. The Usos come out for a number one contender’s match for the WWE tag team championships. Which Kozlov and Santino already won one of a long time ago and never got a shot, like Cryme Tyme. Superfly joins the Usos. Rakishi was too fat to make it.

Random Commercial Thought: Stop shooting my reading material.

The Usos w/ Tamina & Superfly Jimmy Snuka vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov

We come back to the match in progress with the Usos double teaming Santino. I can’t tell which is which right now. Uso 1 takes a neck breaker from Santino who drags him back over to Kozlov for a double team. Kozlov just catches Uso in mid air and delivers a fall away slam. He starts ramming the Uso into the corner and Santino tag in to be thrown into him by Kozlov. Santino delivers an over animated hip toss for two. Kozlov is back in and kicks the Uso in the side. Kozlov just slams him around and walks around for a power slam but there’s a blind tag. Kozlov gets his leg kicked out from under him and the other Uso falls on him. Uso 2 picks up a two count and delivers a back suplex before….and running headlock? Odd.

Kozlov fights from the headlock but Uso knocks him back down. Uso 1 tags back in and knocks Santino off the apron. Santino argues with the ref and Kozlov gets double teamed for a two count. Uso 2 is back in again for the Rikishi butt slam that misses so blatantly they should have cut away from it. Santino starts a Kozlov chant who fights through a headlock after a two count. The tag team division is fucking weird right now. Santino stops a cheap shot this time and Kozlov makes the tag. Santino winds up on Uso with some lefts and a sloppy back suplex before a running head butt for two. Kozlov runs over the other Uso while Santino gets two.

Santino baseballs slides Uso’s leg out when he tries a super kick and delivers the Cobra for the win.
Winners: Kozlov & Santino

Sheamus appears and pump kicks Kozlov and the Usos. He shoves Santino down, but John Morrison comes to the save once more. Morrison makes Sheamus take a dive to the floor before hitting a flash kick when he tries to come back in. Morrison says he does this because Sheamus is a bully and when they feel threatened they turn and run away. He challenges Sheamus to a fight if he really wants one so bad and Sheamus strips his shirt. Possibly as some kind of tactic to blind his opponent. The light must not have been right because it doesn’t work and Sheamus decides to take a walk. When you try this on real bullies they beat the shit out of you and take your milk money.

Random Commercial Thought: You could at least offer me some variety in these three hours.

Back to the show where Otunga is here to take on Kofi Kingston. They have a pre-recorded interview by Kingston who makes a shout out to Koko B. Ware. I love how he somewhere along the line lost his accent entirely and it was only ever mentioned once.

Kofi Kingston vs. David Otunga

Otunga charges Kingston after some walking around and goes into a series of scoop slams. Otunga works a headlock on Kingston and delivers a reverse elbow as Kofi comes off the ropes to pick up a two count. Otunga goes to a chinlock, but it looks more like somebody never told him how to do a camel clutch with the way he applies it. Kingston fights free and starts kicking Otunga into the corner before just beating him down to the floor. Standing dropkick leads to both guys clothes lining each other at the same time. And now George The Animal Steele is coming out with his green tongue. Did he eat a ring pop? It looks like he escaped from an old folks home.

I guess the match stopped entirely. The ref gets between George and the turnbuckle before he can eat it so he just eats another one. Otunga is perplexed and Kofi is apparently knocked out behind him but he crawls to his feet before throwing Otunga to the exposed turnbuckle while the ref is distracted with George. Kofi gives him Trouble in Paradise and the ref is suddenly paying attention for the three.
Winner: Kingston

Morrison talks to Arn Anderson who congratulate him for taking on Sheamus. He says he’s sick of Sheamus picking on people and yelling at flight attendants when a foot comes from off screen and kicks him right in the face. How the fuck do you not see that coming? Does his range of sight stop at the camera’s? Anyway, Sheamus says he’s ready and for Arn to tell Morrison that when he wakes up.

Random Commercial Thought: Royal Pains should have been about the children of Senators.

Jacksaw is in the back talking to Aksana and calls her a Ho. He tells her that her mother is here. It’s Dusty Rhodes in a wig. Kelly Kelly drops a net on her. This oddly works and Goldust comes and takes the Million Dollar Belt back. Goldust says the belt has caused him more greif than it’s worth and it should be returned to the rightful owner. He gives it to Ted Sr. and IRS. Ted Jr. won’t take the belt back when his dad offers it to him, saying he wants something that isn’t a hand me down. And then Cody Rhodes says that didn’t end dashing…and Goldust asks him for grooming tips. They walk off and Dusty (in wig) says he raised some weird kids before dancing to his WWF theme music….and then Tatanka and Hacksaw join in. Farooq finally caps it all off with a “Damn” and I have to say that was one of the weirdest mind fucks I’ve had in a while.

Truth and Eve are walking through the back for his match with Wade as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I should go see that new Robert Downey Jr. movie.

Back to the show where Eve has been reduced to a glorified Nitro Girl for Truth’s entrance song.

R-Truth w/ Eve Torres vs. Wade Barrett

Truth starts out in control on Wade, but after dumping him to he floor, Wade catches him with a cheap shot. Back in the ring. Wade delivers a power slam and a top rope elbow drop for two. I didn’t know he actually did anything like that ever. Are they chanting “Let’s Get Crunk” right now? Wade picks up another two count off of a body slam and Truth tries for a small package that Wade falls out of awkwardly. He starts pounding away on Truth. Truth catches slips free of a Wasteland attempt and catches Wade with a kick to the get and goes for the scissor kick, but Wade dodges and boots him in the face.  Truth delivers Wasteland to finish thing out.
Winner: Wade

Eve is a moron and keeps smiling like an idiot at ringside.

Random Commercial Thought: Who is the USA Network voice guy? He sounds like a queer.

Back to the show where we play the intro yet again. Once an hour I guess. The siren is what kills it for me. King got a small pop at ringside for strangling Cole. Ricardo Rodriguez is announcing in the ring when he is suddenly interrupted by Tito Santana who introduces Alberto Del Rio for us. Chavo Classic is driving his car and for some reason has the windshield wipers on. Del Rio thanks Chavo and Tito (sounds like a new wave of Cheech and Chong). He calls us fat and says that the old legends should follow the examples of Tito and Chavo by paying respect to him. I love this guy’s character. And so we get Sgt. Slaughter. Go Joe? He’s dropped some of that massive gut he used to carry at least.

Sarge tells us the two things you don’t mess with are Legends and AMERICUH! He tells Sarge to earn some respect by facing him right now. Rio accepts.

Sergeant Slaughter vs. Alberto Del Rio

Rio attacks right away and starts pounding on the Sarge. Sarge dodges a clothesline and counters it into the Cobra Clutch but Rio make the ropes and elbows his way out of it. Rio runs him down with a clothesline for two. I love how stiff he moves. It’s like fighting a wooden plank. Sarge hulks up out of a headlocks and elbows his way free. Rio starts punching and kicking, but a wild swing is countered into the Cobra Clutch again. Rio forces hi back to the coner and hip tosses free before hitting a running enziguiri in the corner that is his finisher (give it a name, guys) for the win.
Winner: Rio

My only problem with this character is that he’s Mexican royalty and not a drug lord. How unrealistic. Rio puts the Sarge in an arm bar until MVP makes the save and runs him off. Race war!

Random Commercial Thought: Christmas music is already playing here. This is bullshit.

Back to the show where Gene calls out Mae Young with the Bellas and they try to remind us of when Mae was smoking hot as a young girl. Welp, bathroom break. Laycool eventually show up to mock her. Mae challenges them to a match and calls them sluts. No DQ. I….I’m horrified by her ring attire. They run from her laughing and call for a ref and to make it falls count anywhere

Diva’s Champion Laycool vs. Mae Young (No DQ Falls Count Anywhere Handicap Match)

….and immediately all the other divas show up of course. Natalya knocks them both cold after Mae gets a slap in on Layla and they let her stand on Layla for the pin at the ring entrance. I presume she was incapable of getting into the ring.
Winner: Mae Young

I’m sad I had to type that.

Random Commercial Thought: I too have experiences the horror of bus bathrooms.

Jim Ross is called out to ringside for the announce desk as Cole throws a huge hissy fit about his return. He asks if he’s going to even shake his hand and jim finally does then starts taking to King and ignoring him. Ha. I kind of liked that. And now for a match. Jim Ross implies Cole has no intelligence by saying Daniel Bryan is an amazing wrestler as Cole says Jim Ross has no personality like Bryan. I know it’s just a character, but Cole is annoying as fuck sometimes.

US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger (Non-title Match)

Swagger puts Daniel down with a waist lock and Bryan works his way out of it, kicking out the knees. I like how they cut to the announce desk where Cole looks asleep. Swagger looks for a second like he’s going for a Texas Clover Leaf, but Daniel kicks off only to be flipped into an ankle lock. Bryan escapes before it’s locked in and Swagger wrestles him down with some body slams for a two count. Daniel escapes and wrestles him down, working a wrist lock. Swagger escapes but eats a dropkick for two. Bryan starts kicking Swagger into the corner. You know, fights between the announcers is not as interesting as the match, guys. Give it a rest. Cole thanks God for a commercial break as Bryan eats a big boot and falls to the floor.

Random Commercial Thought: Bullet wounds are nothing.

It actually feels good to be welcomed back by Jim Ross. Swagger is working Bryan oer with a headlock and slams him out of it when he tries to escape. Swagger continues to work Bryan over, but he takes his sweet time and Bryan tosses him over the top rope to the floor. King tells Cole to shut up for a bit as Bryan lands a baseball slide and leaps off the ring apron into a flying knee to the head on Swagger. I want this ring design back. I like the bright colors. Bryan comes off the top with a huge missile dropkick for two onto Swagger back in the ring. Bryan delivers standing kicks to a kneeling Swagger, but Swagger catches one for the ankle lock, but is sent flying into the corner. Bryan comes in with a flying senton, but misses awkwardly in a way that just looks vicious.

Swagger hits his slingshot body splash out of the corner and picks up a two count. Swagger beats his chest and decides that the second verse is the same as the first so he delivers a second one. Swagger goes for the gut wrench while Cole declares he’ll wear a white cowboy hat next week. Bryan tries to counter to the LaBell, but Swagger counters to a backbreaker. Swagger goes for another gut wrench, but Bryan escapes and super kicks Swagger out cold for the three.
Winner: Bryan

Post-match, Ted Dibaise attacks Bryan and puts him down with Dream Street. Dibiase poses with the belt then tosses it onto Bryan’s chest before Maryse arrives in the sluttiest dress she could find to leave with him. Cole tries to tell Ross it was great to have him as Ross shakes King’s hand and says he watches him every week before we run down the Survivor Series card. Ross is sent off by the announcer and smacks Cole in the face with his hat before he leaves. Cole says he is a visionary and runs this place. Perish the thought.

Random Commercial Thought: The spiders in Australia have health bars.

Back to the show where we runs down every Legend who appeared on the show by having them out on stage to be announced one by one. Oh that guy was Tony Atlas who was rambling on earlier. I didn’t recognize him at all. After this they finally introduce Piper. Piper didn’t get his medication. He rambles for a bit about various superstars before introducing us to Cena. Piper says it eats at him that he’s never been WWE champion, while many other legends have never done it either. He chastises Cena for considering giving the title to Wade, then what he is doing is spitting in the face of all the Legends he supposedly respects.

Roddy tells him to do the right thing and Cena says he doesn’t even know what the right thing is. He talks about doing everything he could to make Legends proud of him when Wade Barrett comes down to say Cena could call the match down the middle and he will still beat Orton. Piper gets up in Wade’s face and says that if he lets Cena give him the title, he’ll only have the belt, but still be a joke and not a champion. Wade says he wants to do something on this final not and is disappointed it took him this long. He forces Cena to wear a Nexus shirt. Oh good, didn’t want to interrupt weeks of mechanizing or anything. Cena threatens to kill Wade after the Sunday match and Wade says he’ll just have all of Nexus wreck him if he tries. Orton finally interrupts things.

It’s eleven minutes after the end of the show guys, come on. You were on THREE HOURS, you couldn’t fit this in somewhere there amidst all the fucking commercials? Orton says he’s thought of a better option than taking out Cena and then tackles Wade delivering the power slam and signaling an RKO. Cena steps in between them and takes the RKO. Cena winds up for a punt on Cena and Wade runs interference. Cena recovers instantly from the RKO now and delivers an FU to Orton then suddenly starts selling the RKO again….sort of. Fifteen minutes. Wade then forces Cena to raises his hand who decides instead to deliver an FU and tosses his Nexus shirt away. I guess he’s fired? I somehow think they won’t bother to enforce that. Piper raises Cena’s hand as the show finally goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Swagger and Bryan put on a clinic. Great match.

Lowlight of the Night: Could have lived without the Mae Young match.

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever decided Cole has to be so annoying all the time.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).