Welcome to a special three
hour edition of the Best Damn Raw Rant, Period.
Relieve classic WWE moments as they really happened!
Like Katie Vick!….okay, bad example. Um, like Mae
Young’s heart moving baby delivery! Hm…what were the
classic moments again? I think I’ve forgotten after
all of these years.
We have a kind
of weird opening for Raw old School which just ad
old effects on the new opening video before a siren
and pro open the show. What’s with the fucking syren?
I can’t even hear Michael Cole over it. Cole and
King are standing at ringside and Cole introduces
themselves as Jessie the Body and Vince McMahon.
King is in his classic red garb and crown. What the
fuck that syren didn’t end until Justin Robert in
his 70s hair introduces Gene Okerlund’s corpse. This
crowd doesn’t seem to carry about any of this stuff
right now. They certainly aren’t popping for it, but
they probably don’t even remember any of them.
Gene calls out Cowboy Bob Orton who apparently has
the opposite of what Wolverine has because he has
yet to heal that arm. Bob says Randy isn’t here yet
and will be here soon. I love how Bob calls Cena by
the name of John Cenar. He gets a heel pop for
saying he doesn’t care what happens to Cena’s
career. For some reason the entrance ramp is the old
Raw is War ramp from the attitude era while everyone
else seems to be Rock n Wrestling era. Wade
interrupts and dares to insinuate Bob’s cast is a
fake. LIES! LIEAS AND SLANDER! Miz interrupts things
again and comes out to say he can cash in whenever
he likes and might even do so tonight. Cena
interrupts on the Titantron to say he will make sure
Miz won’t cash in the briefcase tonight so that he
can earn his freedom at the PPV. Cena challenges Miz
to a match and Miz accepts.
Random Commercial Thought: In order to increase
sales for their shitty movie, the commercial flat
out lies about how good it is and tries to remind
you that the cartoon was really good.
the show where Dolph Ziggler is out for a match….and
is up against Mark Henry who comes out as Sexual
Chocolate, complete with ring gear and entrance and
grease…oh that’s just the pizza grease. Cole is
pissed he has to sit on a steal chair for tonight
instead of a leather chair.
Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie
Guerrero vs. Mark Henry (Non-title match)
Henry slams Ziggler who tries to hit attack early,
hurting his knee. Dolph dives to the floor and
crawls back in to get clotheslined. He dodges
another clothesline and goes for a sleeper hold, but
Henry just backs into the corner. Dolph gets punched
off the top turnbuckle to the floor. King
immediately reminds us that Henry used to date Mae
Young. I was just kidding about the hand thing, you
know. Ziggler catches him on the way back into the
ring and starts to stomp Henry down. A Chocolate
chant builds. Henry shoves Ziggler off who
conveniently runs into some stationary clotheslines.
Ziggler staggers Henry and seems to have him reeling
but Henry delivers the World’s Strongest Slam
sloppily out of rush. Ziggler makes the ropes with
his foot and Henry goes for the Big Splash, but it
misses. The crowd rallies for Henry again who takes
“Zig-Zag” from Dolph, but it’s really just the
Fameasser on the ground. It gets two and Ziggler
delivers it again for another two. Ziggler finally
just goes for a grounded sleeper and ends it with
In the back, the
Heart Dynasty run into a bald black guy I don’t
recognize who rambles on unintelligibly. He never
stops, but does grease his arms with WD-40 before
Smith drags Tyson away. Ooookaaaay?
Commercial Thought: I need chicken now.
Tatsu is in the back with that guy again who is
still talking. To make sure you remember he is
Japanese, he commits seppuku. At least he didn’t
choppy choppy a pee pee.
WWE Tag Team Champions Justin
Gabriel & Heath Slater vs. The Hart Dynasty
Smith do some quick chain wrestling before Gabriel
delivers some kicks to the knees only to get caught.
Smith looks like he might go for a sharpshooter
after tripping Gabriel, but instead just stomps the
mid section. Smith delivers triple belly to belly
suplexes out of the corner for a two count that
Slater breaks up. Awesome bit from Smith there.
Slater gets in and is immediately power slammed for
two. Smith crushes him in the corner with a
clothesline and goes for the running power slam.
Gabriel distracts, allowing Slater to land a kick
and ground Smith into the heel corner for double
teaming. Marvel at the extent of Heath Slater’s
amazing in-ring ability with kicks and punches.
Makes me wonder why he wasn’t a champion before!
Slater picks up a two count and misses a corner
splash. This apparently kills him dead and he crawls
to a tag. Smith goes for the tag to Tyson to
sidesteps and flip kicks Smith in the face, setting
up for the 450 from Gabriel. God damnit.
Oh yay. They broke up the only good tag
team on the show like they always do. I’m so happy.
Fuck you, WWE. At least Smith makes a bitter beer
In the back, Truth interrupts an
interview between Gene and Orton. Truth plays up how
much of a friend to Cena he must be by saying that
Cena will screw him. What a great guy. Orton says he
could just punt Cena in the head tonight and take
him out to make sure he doesn’t get fucked.
Random Commercial Thought: I ride my Lay-Z-Boy into
the lake all the time. Then they drag me off of the
Back to the show where Mean Gene
pimps some old school WWF wear. Roberts introduces
Howard Finkle to introduce “one of the greatest
superstars to ever have set foot in the squared
circle” which turns out to be Brooklyn Brawler with
Harvey Whippleman. At least he still has torn
shirts. I think Howard’s definition of greatest
needs some work. Brawler declares himself the king
of old school and challenges anyone from the new
school to a match before walking in circles like an
autistic kid. He gets Ezekiel Jackson. Oh Jesus.
Ezekiel Jackson vs. The Brooklyn Brawler w/ Former
Women’s Champion Harvey Whippleman
is a fucking freak. He’s the black Scott Steiner.
Brawler takes a shove and falls down but gets up in
his face to shove back. He tries a scoop slam but it
fails and gets ran down. Zeke flexes an arm and
delivers a clothesline before finishing it with his
Rock Bottom move that still doesn’t have a name as
far as I know.
Commercial Thought: Who watches wrestling reality
Back to the show where Nexus
are discussing having Otunga wrestle R-Truth in a
match. The GM interrupts (as King points out old
school is before laptops and this is bullshit) and
says Otunga already has a special match tonight.
Wade will have a match to prove he is championship
material tonight. This is apparently enough material
to warrant yet another commercial break. I just
realized we have the same amount of stuff here as a
two hour broadcast, just stretched out with even
Random Commercial Thought:
Japan has Mchotdogs.
John Cena decided to
stick with his current gimmick instead of an old
school one. Too bad. Miz stops on his way out to
recap the logic of why he has been challenged to
this match, and the GM never sanctioned the match.
Miz decides to make a substitution to the match
unless the GM disagrees. The GM remains silent and
so Alex Riley makes the sub.
John Cena vs. Alex Riley w/ The Miz
Cole mentions the Cole Miners again in order to
apologize to them and lament that in the future he
might get to do the show by himself. I would stop
watching. Riley gets outwrestled as Cena taunts him
and tosses him around. Riley comes back with an
elbow in the corner and distracts the ref as if he
hurt himself so Miz can knock Cena down from the
apron. Riley tackles Cena for some mounted punches
and slams him face first for a two count.
Cena fights back to his feet and beats Riley to the
corner, but misses a corner charge. Riley starts to
put on pressure, but it’s not worth seeing the moves
he does, we need to see Miz’s reactions at ringside.
It might have been a swinging neck breaker? Cena
back body drops Riley away from him and goes into
his general offense. Riley takes the full moveset
including FU and STF.
surprised that wasn’t shorter. Orton hit’s the ring
afterward and strips down for his Twilight pop. They
start a really awkward brawl that the refs
eventually break up. The Gm decides to comment on
this by making them both forced guests on Piper’s
Pit. Somebody make sure Roddy got his meds this
Random Commercial Thought: A sandwich
worth fighting for.
Back to the show for the
Raw Intro and siren again…um, god turn that fucking
thing off. And now, The Iron Sheik and Nikolai come
out to sing the USSR anthem. They are
interrupted of course by Santino and Kozlov.
Vladimir wants to join in the song. This sparks some
USA chants. Nobody give Sheik a microphone,
please. This is better than American Idol. Slightly.
Santino says that was crushingly terrible and wants
everyone to hear a song that is the story of his
life, but he needs some help. Slick. That’s an odd
guy to drag out. Sheik has a microphone and managed
to mention Hulk Hogan already. I sometimes wonder if
he’s crazy, drunk or high, or maybe all three.
Haha, they turned his microphone off. The Usos come
out for a number one contender’s match for the WWE
tag team championships. Which Kozlov and Santino
already won one of a long time ago and never got a
shot, like Cryme Tyme. Superfly joins the Usos.
Rakishi was too fat to make it.
Commercial Thought: Stop shooting my reading
The Usos w/ Tamina & Superfly Jimmy Snuka vs.
Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov
We come back to the match in progress with the Usos
double teaming Santino. I can’t tell which is which
right now. Uso 1 takes a neck breaker from Santino
who drags him back over to Kozlov for a double team.
Kozlov just catches Uso in mid air and delivers a
fall away slam. He starts ramming the Uso into the
corner and Santino tag in to be thrown into him by
Kozlov. Santino delivers an over animated hip toss
for two. Kozlov is back in and kicks the Uso in the
side. Kozlov just slams him around and walks around
for a power slam but there’s a blind tag. Kozlov
gets his leg kicked out from under him and the other
Uso falls on him. Uso 2 picks up a two count and
delivers a back suplex before….and running headlock?
Kozlov fights from the headlock but Uso
knocks him back down. Uso 1 tags back in and knocks
Santino off the apron. Santino argues with the ref
and Kozlov gets double teamed for a two count. Uso 2
is back in again for the Rikishi butt slam that
misses so blatantly they should have cut away from
it. Santino starts a Kozlov chant who fights through
a headlock after a two count. The tag team division
is fucking weird right now. Santino stops a cheap
shot this time and Kozlov makes the tag. Santino
winds up on Uso with some lefts and a sloppy back
suplex before a running head butt for two. Kozlov
runs over the other Uso while Santino gets two.
Santino baseballs slides Uso’s leg out when he tries
a super kick and delivers the Cobra for the win.
Winners: Kozlov & Santino
Sheamus appears and
pump kicks Kozlov and the Usos. He shoves Santino
down, but John Morrison comes to the save once more.
Morrison makes Sheamus take a dive to the floor
before hitting a flash kick when he tries to come
back in. Morrison says he does this because Sheamus
is a bully and when they feel threatened they turn
and run away. He challenges Sheamus to a fight if he
really wants one so bad and Sheamus strips his
shirt. Possibly as some kind of tactic to blind his
opponent. The light must not have been right because
it doesn’t work and Sheamus decides to take a walk.
When you try this on real bullies they beat the shit
out of you and take your milk money.
Commercial Thought: You could at least offer me some
variety in these three hours.
Back to the
show where Otunga is here to take on Kofi Kingston.
They have a pre-recorded interview by Kingston who
makes a shout out to Koko B. Ware. I love how he
somewhere along the line lost his accent entirely
and it was only ever mentioned once.
Kofi Kingston vs. David Otunga
Otunga charges Kingston after some walking around
and goes into a series of scoop slams. Otunga works
a headlock on Kingston and delivers a reverse elbow
as Kofi comes off the ropes to pick up a two count.
Otunga goes to a chinlock, but it looks more like
somebody never told him how to do a camel clutch
with the way he applies it. Kingston fights free and
starts kicking Otunga into the corner before just
beating him down to the floor. Standing dropkick
leads to both guys clothes lining each other at the
same time. And now George The Animal Steele is
coming out with his green tongue. Did he eat a ring
pop? It looks like he escaped from an old folks
I guess the match stopped entirely. The
ref gets between George and the turnbuckle before he
can eat it so he just eats another one. Otunga is
perplexed and Kofi is apparently knocked out behind
him but he crawls to his feet before throwing Otunga
to the exposed turnbuckle while the ref is
distracted with George. Kofi gives him Trouble in
Paradise and the ref is suddenly paying attention
for the three.
talks to Arn Anderson who congratulate him for
taking on Sheamus. He says he’s sick of Sheamus
picking on people and yelling at flight attendants
when a foot comes from off screen and kicks him
right in the face. How the fuck do you not see that
coming? Does his range of sight stop at the
camera’s? Anyway, Sheamus says he’s ready and for
Arn to tell Morrison that when he wakes up.
Random Commercial Thought: Royal Pains should have
been about the children of Senators.
is in the back talking to Aksana and calls her a Ho.
He tells her that her mother is here. It’s Dusty
Rhodes in a wig. Kelly Kelly drops a net on her.
This oddly works and Goldust comes and takes the
Million Dollar Belt back. Goldust says the belt has
caused him more greif than it’s worth and it should
be returned to the rightful owner. He gives it to
Ted Sr. and IRS. Ted Jr. won’t take the belt back
when his dad offers it to him, saying he wants
something that isn’t a hand me down. And then Cody
Rhodes says that didn’t end dashing…and Goldust asks
him for grooming tips. They walk off and Dusty (in
wig) says he raised some weird kids before dancing
to his WWF theme music….and then Tatanka and Hacksaw
join in. Farooq finally caps it all off with a
“Damn” and I have to say that was one of the
weirdest mind fucks I’ve had in a while.
Truth and Eve are walking through the back for his
match with Wade as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I should go see that new
Robert Downey Jr. movie.
Back to the show
where Eve has been reduced to a glorified Nitro Girl
for Truth’s entrance song.
R-Truth w/ Eve Torres vs. Wade Barrett
Truth starts out in control on
Wade, but after dumping him to he floor, Wade
catches him with a cheap shot. Back in the ring.
Wade delivers a power slam and a top rope elbow drop
for two. I didn’t know he actually did anything like
that ever. Are they chanting “Let’s Get Crunk” right
now? Wade picks up another two count off of a body
slam and Truth tries for a small package that Wade
falls out of awkwardly. He starts pounding away on
Truth. Truth catches slips free of a Wasteland
attempt and catches Wade with a kick to the get and
goes for the scissor kick, but Wade dodges and boots
him in the face. Truth delivers Wasteland to
finish thing out.
Eve is a
moron and keeps smiling like an idiot at ringside.
Random Commercial Thought: Who is the USA Network
voice guy? He sounds like a queer.
the show where we play the intro yet again. Once an
hour I guess. The siren is what kills it for me.
King got a small pop at ringside for strangling
Cole. Ricardo Rodriguez is announcing in the ring
when he is suddenly interrupted by Tito Santana who
introduces Alberto Del Rio for us. Chavo Classic is
driving his car and for some reason has the
windshield wipers on. Del Rio thanks Chavo and Tito
(sounds like a new wave of Cheech and Chong). He
calls us fat and says that the old legends should
follow the examples of Tito and Chavo by paying
respect to him. I love this guy’s character. And so
we get Sgt. Slaughter. Go Joe? He’s dropped some of
that massive gut he used to carry at least.
Sarge tells us the two things you don’t mess with
are Legends and AMERICUH! He tells Sarge to earn
some respect by facing him right now. Rio accepts.
Sergeant Slaughter vs. Alberto Del Rio
Rio attacks right away and starts pounding on the
Sarge. Sarge dodges a clothesline and counters it
into the Cobra Clutch but Rio make the ropes and
elbows his way out of it. Rio runs him down with a
clothesline for two. I love how stiff he moves. It’s
like fighting a wooden plank. Sarge hulks up out of
a headlocks and elbows his way free. Rio starts
punching and kicking, but a wild swing is countered
into the Cobra Clutch again. Rio forces hi back to
the coner and hip tosses free before hitting a
running enziguiri in the corner that is his finisher
(give it a name, guys) for the win.
My only problem with this character is that he’s
Mexican royalty and not a drug lord. How
unrealistic. Rio puts the Sarge in an arm bar until
MVP makes the save and runs him off. Race war!
Random Commercial Thought: Christmas music is
already playing here. This is bullshit.
to the show where Gene calls out Mae Young with the
Bellas and they try to remind us of when Mae was
smoking hot as a young girl. Welp, bathroom break.
Laycool eventually show up to mock her. Mae
challenges them to a match and calls them sluts. No
DQ. I….I’m horrified by her ring attire. They run
from her laughing and call for a ref and to make it
falls count anywhere
Diva’s Champion Laycool
vs. Mae Young (No DQ Falls Count Anywhere Handicap
….and immediately all the other divas
show up of course. Natalya knocks them both cold
after Mae gets a slap in on Layla and they let her
stand on Layla for the pin at the ring entrance. I
presume she was incapable of getting into the ring.
Winner: Mae Young
I’m sad I had to type that.
Random Commercial Thought: I too have experiences
the horror of bus bathrooms.
Jim Ross is
called out to ringside for the announce desk as Cole
throws a huge hissy fit about his return. He asks if
he’s going to even shake his hand and jim finally
does then starts taking to King and ignoring him.
Ha. I kind of liked that. And now for a match. Jim
Ross implies Cole has no intelligence by saying
Daniel Bryan is an amazing wrestler as Cole says Jim
Ross has no personality like Bryan. I know it’s just
a character, but Cole is annoying as fuck sometimes.
US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Jack
Swagger (Non-title Match)
Daniel down with a waist lock and Bryan works his
way out of it, kicking out the knees. I like how
they cut to the announce desk where Cole looks
asleep. Swagger looks for a second like he’s going
for a Texas Clover Leaf, but Daniel kicks off only
to be flipped into an ankle lock. Bryan escapes
before it’s locked in and Swagger wrestles him down
with some body slams for a two count. Daniel escapes
and wrestles him down, working a wrist lock. Swagger
escapes but eats a dropkick for two. Bryan starts
kicking Swagger into the corner. You know, fights
between the announcers is not as interesting as the
match, guys. Give it a rest. Cole thanks God for a
commercial break as Bryan eats a big boot and falls
to the floor.
Random Commercial Thought:
Bullet wounds are nothing.
It actually feels
good to be welcomed back by Jim Ross. Swagger is
working Bryan oer with a headlock and slams him out
of it when he tries to escape. Swagger continues to
work Bryan over, but he takes his sweet time and
Bryan tosses him over the top rope to the floor.
King tells Cole to shut up for a bit as Bryan lands
a baseball slide and leaps off the ring apron into a
flying knee to the head on Swagger. I want this ring
design back. I like the bright colors. Bryan comes
off the top with a huge missile dropkick for two
onto Swagger back in the ring. Bryan delivers
standing kicks to a kneeling Swagger, but Swagger
catches one for the ankle lock, but is sent flying
into the corner. Bryan comes in with a flying
senton, but misses awkwardly in a way that just
Swagger hits his slingshot
body splash out of the corner and picks up a two
count. Swagger beats his chest and decides that the
second verse is the same as the first so he delivers
a second one. Swagger goes for the gut wrench while
Cole declares he’ll wear a white cowboy hat next
week. Bryan tries to counter to the LaBell, but
Swagger counters to a backbreaker. Swagger goes for
another gut wrench, but Bryan escapes and super
kicks Swagger out cold for the three.
Post-match, Ted Dibaise attacks Bryan
and puts him down with Dream Street. Dibiase poses
with the belt then tosses it onto Bryan’s chest
before Maryse arrives in the sluttiest dress she
could find to leave with him. Cole tries to tell
Ross it was great to have him as Ross shakes King’s
hand and says he watches him every week before we
run down the Survivor Series card. Ross is sent off
by the announcer and smacks Cole in the face with
his hat before he leaves. Cole says he is a
visionary and runs this place. Perish the thought.
Random Commercial Thought: The spiders in Australia
have health bars.
Back to the show where we
runs down every Legend who appeared on the show by
having them out on stage to be announced one by one.
Oh that guy was Tony Atlas who was rambling on
earlier. I didn’t recognize him at all. After this
they finally introduce Piper. Piper didn’t get his
medication. He rambles for a bit about various
superstars before introducing us to Cena. Piper says
it eats at him that he’s never been WWE champion,
while many other legends have never done it either.
He chastises Cena for considering giving the title
to Wade, then what he is doing is spitting in the
face of all the Legends he supposedly respects.
Roddy tells him to do the right thing and Cena says
he doesn’t even know what the right thing is. He
talks about doing everything he could to make
Legends proud of him when Wade Barrett comes down to
say Cena could call the match down the middle and he
will still beat Orton. Piper gets up in Wade’s face
and says that if he lets Cena give him the title,
he’ll only have the belt, but still be a joke and
not a champion. Wade says he wants to do something
on this final not and is disappointed it took him
this long. He forces Cena to wear a Nexus shirt. Oh
good, didn’t want to interrupt weeks of mechanizing
or anything. Cena threatens to kill Wade after the
Sunday match and Wade says he’ll just have all of
Nexus wreck him if he tries. Orton finally
It’s eleven minutes after
the end of the show guys, come on. You were on THREE
HOURS, you couldn’t fit this in somewhere there
amidst all the fucking commercials? Orton says he’s
thought of a better option than taking out Cena and
then tackles Wade delivering the power slam and
signaling an RKO. Cena steps in between them and
takes the RKO. Cena winds up for a punt on Cena and
Wade runs interference. Cena recovers instantly from
the RKO now and delivers an FU to Orton then
suddenly starts selling the RKO again….sort of.
Fifteen minutes. Wade then forces Cena to raises his
hand who decides instead to deliver an FU and tosses
his Nexus shirt away. I guess he’s fired? I somehow
think they won’t bother to enforce that. Piper
raises Cena’s hand as the show finally goes off the
Highlight of the Night: Swagger and
Bryan put on a clinic. Great match.
Lowlight of the Night: Could have
lived without the Mae Young match.
WWE “Creative” Award:
Whoever decided Cole has to be so annoying all the