WWE RAW RANT
November 14, 2011
Welcome everyone to ‘Raw Gets Rocked’. My name is Stuart Munro and as long as Sean and the millions and mill…(well maybe not, but you get the point) like my effort at the Raw rant, hopefully I’ll be around for a while. Long term fan of the site and I didn’t want to see it go under completely. I do this with the best intentions but it may well fall flatter than Rey Mysterio’s nose after CM Punk GTS’d him that one time.
Anyway, onto business. I HATE the raw theme. I have to say that for a start. In fact, themes are going downhill in wrestling as a whole faster than The Natural Disasters on a go-kart. Can someone please find Jim Johnston and let him do his thing again?
This is apparently another Supershow. What the fuck is with that tag? Either end the brand split or don’t, but stop calling absolutely everything a Supershow. Aside from that it’s the go home show for Survivor Series and it’s going to be…ulp…3 hours. Talk about baptism of fire for me here.
We’re in Boston, Mass, which I’ve no doubt they’ll casually label Cena’s hometown at some point tonight. Nobody will care. I have no doubt of that either.
Are you kidding me? The introduction of Michael Cole is the first thing I get to recap? Hey Sean, about my offer to do reviews. It too late to retract?
Cole half-runs down to the ring like a fag, being all pompous and kind of waving and circling like an even more retarded Jack Swagger. He’s wearing a white suit, with a pale blue shirt, top-button undone. Don’t worry, I won’t normally be that specific, I only mention it because it’s fucking hideous.
There are two mystery objects in the ring, covered by shrouds. I have a hunch they’ll both be stupid. Let’s see if I’m right. It looks like J.R. is here for The Michael Cole Challenge. Cole calls J.R. the closest thing WWE has to a thanksgiving parade float…nobody laughs.
J.R. makes his way down the aisle and actually looks like he’s lost some weight. Cole asks him if he has any questions about the challenge, puts the mic to his mouth, then snatches it away again and thanks J.R. for his comments. Mildly amusing I guess. Cole says J.R. must pass THREE challenges. Oh the humanity!
Off comes the first shroud and challenge 1 is…arm wrestling. Yep, that’s stupid. I’m 50% there already. Cole randomly shouts at J.R. that he’s a fat tub of goo. Crowd gets behind J.R., which Cole mocks. Cole keeps asking “Are you ready fatboy?” and employing the usual heel stalling tactics for arm wrestling.
The very fact there are a set of standard tactics for this is a sad indictment of how overused the arm wrestling gimmick is in wrestling. Seriously, think how many times it’s been used…now think how many of those times it added a shred of value to a storyline.
King then displays his inability to pass up on joining in ‘fat’ jokes, even if the victim is his best friend and the guy delivering them is the same guy whom he had a nigh on half year feud with a couple of months ago.
Finally the challenge begins and J.R. annihilates Cole in less than a second. Cole complains he wasn’t ready, then blames JR’s BBQ breath and says he couldn’t breathe. A replay is shown and Cold nearly has a fit and rambles at the crowd to the point he’s almost foaming at the mouth. He’s also getting louder. He’s even more annoying than usual tonight. Nevertheless, it’s 1-0.
Challenge 2 is a dance off and Cole says the crowd can vote the winner. Cole asks for his music despite never having had any. They play some weird latin/funk thing, which is just awful. Though that’s nothing compared to Cole producing a red scarf from nowhere and performing the most uncoordinated, disturbing looking dance I’ve ever seen. He then just asks J.R. to forfeit. J.R. asks for the crowds help and asks for his own music. Instead of that Sooners theme he has we get more random, terrible music and J.R. proceeds to do something that can be best described as a bodypopping turkey having a seizure. The crowd actually CHEER this. Loudly! Morons. Now a J.R. chant. Total fucking morons.
Cole says J.R. showed him something there, it’s too bad The Fatboys broke up or J.R. would be sorted for life. Cole, accept it, YOU. ARE. NOT. FUNNY! He then proclaims himself undefeated in dace off competitons…despite this being his first. The crowd unsurprisingly votes J.R. as the winner. Cole doesn’t really seem to care and says it’s time for challenge 3, which of course J.R. has to win also for Cole to be fired and him to get his job back.
After a neverending buildup and the second shroud coming off to reveal…scales, we learn the final challenge is who weighs less. Wait, what? This is beyond pointless now and it’s dragging on waaaaaaayyyyyy too long. Cole can’t work the scales for a start either. Imbecile! Holy shit, the digital readout says Cole weighs 200lbs! And he has the nerve to call J.R. fat? J.R. weighs 239!! Erm…somebody check these scales please. So…what? J.R. is still fired and we still have to listen to Cole? AND THEY FELT THE NEED TO TAKE UP 30 FUCKING MINUTES NEARLY WITH THIS??
Mercifully CM punk interrupts, motioning to his trusty pipebomb. Cole throws a tantrum and says this is “his show, his moment, his challenge.” Big CM punk chant as he makes his way to the ring.
Cole asks Punk how dare he interrupt him. Punk tells him his time is up and that Cole and this whole segment was a painful, waste of time, apart from J.R.’s dance.
For anyone that’s concerned Michael Cole is trending on Twitter. Or Twatter as I prefer. Seriously, just fuck Twitter. What’s that you say?...You have an account?...Oh…Well then fuck you too!
Punk says J.R. is a better announcer and Cole’s 15 minutes is up. He’s had his mania moment. Between Cole, The Funkmaster John Laurinaitis and Alberto del Rio Raw is becoming unbearable. The live crowd wish they could fast forward every time Cole has a mic. 2 hours is too long to have to listen to Cole’s announcing and already tonight it feels like 6. Punk says he wants entertainment and when he’s champ, we’ll get it. He’ll do whatever it takes. Wrestle 10 times a night, referee, commentate, work the camera, ring the bell. He’s going to start now by taking the spotlight off Cole and his spray tan, phony, worthless, untalented…
This brings John Laurinaitis out to the stage to interrupt.
Punk hilariously says: “Speaking of untalented.”
Laurinaitis says he has 38,000 Twitter followers who all want to see this challenge. Erm…the one that’s already finished you mean?
Punk retorts with “Screw you and your 38,000 followers.”
Laurinaitis then makes a tag match for tonight with Punk & Big Show against Mark Henry and Alberto.
Cole laughs like a maniac as though Punk is somehow screwed over by this decision and demands an apology for Punk’s hurtful comments. Punk headbutts him and locks in the Anaconda Vice, all the while shouting “I’m sorry.” I love Punk!
We got backstage to Matt Striker in the parking lot as a stretch hummer arrives. He says it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for, which immediately renders it obvious it won’t be The Rock…and it isn’t…it’s MICK FOLEY! Huge pop.
Foley says he wouldn’t miss Rock’s appearance for the world and wants this to be an unforgettable night for both The Rock and John Cena. He does his trademark cheap pop before heading into the arena.
During the commercials WWE 12 is advertised. It looks shit! Top tip. If you rebrand the game, try making it look even vaguely different to every other SmackDown vs. Raw title you’ve released.
Sin Cara heads for the ring as we see J.R. is on commentary. Er…he lost the challenge didn’t he? So isn’t he still fired? Apparently Cole is receiving medical attention in the back. Kofi Kingston will be Sin Cara’s partner. What the hell happened to Evan Bourne by the way? Did I miss something?
We’re told that tonight it’ll be Captain Orton vs. Captain Barrett in a rematch from SmackDown. Nothing confirmed on whether Captain America will be a guest enforcer.
Cody Rhodes out next sans facemask and with new, crappy theme music. They show a promo from earlier today in which Cody says Orton didn’t emasculate him, he emancipated him and then does that weird, forced laugh…badly. Has he been learning from Kane? The crowd don’t react to this promo, but then again they probably don’t understand what the fuck he just said.
Hunico will partner Cody. No sign nor mention of Epico or Primo. Also no mention of the lack of mask for Cody. Yay for continuity.
At this point I should state I’m not going to use the tried and tested ‘review a match move for move’ strategy. 1, it’s kinda dull, 2, I’m lazy. Sue me! I’ll just report anything of note and general opinions. So expect short match reports I guess.
Couldn’t help but notice Hunico’s titantron is just a fence with razor wire on top. See because he’s Mexican, so therefore the only possible way he’s in America is by hopping the border. You have to love WWE logic.
Sin Cara & WWE Tag-Team Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes & Hunico
Sin Cara gestures to Hunico that he unmasked him, before kicking him to start off. Quick pace to begin with, but it’s literally about 3 moves before they botch some sort of hiptoss to the ropes, springboard into armdrag takedown spot. Kofi gets into the match and looks much better than he has done recently. Just a coincidence Evan isn’t there? He turns what looks like a standard victory roll into a monkey flip in a great spot.
The next botch occurs with the heels on the outside and the faces are supposed to hit duelling cross-body blocks from the top, but Sin Cara hopelessly mistimes his.
Mick Foley is now trending.
Further into the match and Sin Cara and Hunico both a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker counter, ending up in an awkward looking pin. Anyone noticing a trend that Sin Cara is involved in every botch?
Eventually J.R. mentions Cody not having his mask, but kind of in passing, like it didn’t really matter. Kind of like it hadn’t been his gimmick for months, you know.
As the traditional tag-team clusterfuck inevitably occurs Sin Cara hilariously chooses to slingshot over the ropes onto Hunico on the outside instead of saving Kofi from the CrossRhodes, whilst he’s standing RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO HIM. 1…2…3.
Match summary: Generic but decent tag-team match, all but ruined by Sin Cara.
The Rock is backstage walking around a bit. Great!
We cut to Santino playing as The Rock on WWE 12, kicking the hell out of John Cena. Ryder appears to ask Santino if he’ll sign his online petition for a US title shot. They start arguing over who’s better, Rock or Cena, but agree as a team they’ll kick Miz and R-Truth’s arses (I’m English, deal with it) at Survivor Series. Santino then signs the petition by repeatedly jabbing his thumb into Ryder’s phone as though he’s expecting a secret door to open by way of the recognition of his thumb print. Weird!
Back to ringside for Vickie Guerrero on stage. Good God, this show is torturous. She says Christian injured his ankle at a house show and he’s off Survivor Series. But the good news is the replacement is…
Dolph Ziggler to interrupts Vickie to announce himself as the replacement. He suggests he should be team captain and alludes to the fact he shouldn’t have needed to get on the card as a replacement. Fair point! His promo skills are noticeably improving week by week. He says tonight he’s fighting a cyborg with 2 first names and no clue, Mason Ryan.
After commercial we’re treated to John Laurinaitis bringing Michael Cole back out (arm in a sling) to replace J.R. who is fired again. What? He was never reinstated. Who writes this show? Cole says he’s talked to David Otunga and he’s suing CM Punk.
United States Champion Dolph Ziggler (w. Vickie Guerrero) vs. Mason Ryan
Ryan throws Ziggle around a bit, looking and sounding like an escaped chimpanzee. Vickie gets on the apron, slaps Ryan in the face and he wins by DQ as Dolph gets out of there.
That’s literally all that happened. What a terrible, illogical (Vickie just cost Dolph a match and he was happy about it) and pointless match. John Morrison appears and throws Dolph back into the ring where Ryan proceeds to briefly apply his shit version of The Masterlock before badly botching the full-nelson bomb. That looked painful.
Backstage again and Mick Foley meets Zack Ryder. Strangely Long Island (their shared hometown) is not mentioned. Ryder wants another signature for his petition. Foley asks him to show him the fist pump and he joins in the “Woo woo woo. You know it.” Shtick but sounds like a little girl when he does. He signs the petition and heads for the ring.
Foley looks in pain just walking to the ring. Oddly Cole is putting him over. Huge Foley chant. He quotes The Wizard Of Oz by saying “There’s no place like home.” So fuck you TNA! He suggests the team name of Rock ‘n’ Cena connection and it doesn’t go down well. He calls Rock one of his best friends. This being the same guy that left a huge gash in Foley’s head in an I quit match when he wouldn’t stop hitting him with a chair, then didn’t even go see the guy afterwards and make sure he was alright. Fun fact – he wasn’t! Foley then states Cena is one of the best of all time. Huge boos. Foley then introduces Cena, calling him a good friend.
Once Cena gets in the ring Foley immediately retracts that they’re good friends and says they have mutual respect would be more accurate. He mentions a time in 2006 when he was watching Cena and notes that Cena was the most respectful guy backstage, no matter who he was talking to, what level they were at or even if they just made the tea. Foley mentions a Twitter post he made last week saying people need to be more respectful of the great matches Cena has had and restates Cena is one of the best in-ring competitors of all time. This really doesn’t go down well with the crowd. Foley then reveals his t-shirt is half John Cena’s latest design, half The Rock’s. It just looks weird. Foley then announced he’s doing This Is Your Life for Cena. Cena looks nervous as hell.
A sappy video package plays showing West Newbury (Cena’s hometown), baby photos, home video, current day video, signs, fans and one brilliant picture of Cena as a kid with some kind of spiked mullet all set to the cheesiest, sappiest song possible. What is it with the random music tonight?
Cena cringes and makes reference to the terrible music. The first guest is Cena’s Little League coach. He’s the most obvious shill ever and even HE gets some theme music. He looks like a complete fag and hugs Cena, who basically no-sells the guy and just stands there. The coach tells a story where Cena ruined an important game for the team and then cried. Erm…OK. Cena just glares at Foley.
Guest 2 is B FUCKING SQUARED! A.k.a. Bull Buchanan. OK, that’s funny. They dredge up a clip of Cena wearing a stupid hat and rapping his way to the ring only for B to just shout “Boo Ya” at the end. Cena looks like he genuinely didn’t know about this one and laughs, but looks pleased to see the guy, even though he’s supposed to hate the skit. B looks like a normal-sized Big Show and puts Cena over to a near-embarrassing level. He then segueways into getting fired unexpectedly, his wife divorcing him, losing his money in some kind of scheme and his dog giving him rabies. (I’m serious on that). He says Cena ruined his life and leaves hilariously shouting “Thanks a lot!” as he walks up the ramp. Cena says that was worse than The Shockmaster. OUCH!
Next up…Cena’s Dad!?!? And it really is him. He looks a little like Jim Cornette if Cornette had a rapey looking cousin. He struts around like a lunatic. That’s an awful wig by the way. Cena Snr then goes all heel promo on the crowd (I’m not making this up) in a bizarre, fluctuating voice because they keep chanting Cena sucks. Cena looks genuinely mortified as this is the worst promo ever. Thankfully Cena stops him.
This Is Your Life is trending. Sigh.
Cena says he loves his old man but politely gets him the fuck off our screens. Thank fuck. He then says none of that was his life…this ring is. (Soooo you essentially just told your own Father he’s not part of your life? Great!) Cena compares the segment to The Gobbledy Gooker (Has Cena been on Wrestlecrap or something?) and says it’s over.
Foley says he can save it, he has 5 more guests (THAT HAD BETTER BE A JOKE)
The Rock’s music hits. Rock walks quickly down to the ring and enters. Foley offers a hug but receives a Rock Bottom. Rock just turns round and leaves again, not even acknowledging Cena. (That was gold! He did the whole thing in one motion. Seriously, YouTube it!) Cena helps Foley, laughing all the while. Foley strangely sells it as though it was serious and he’s about to have a heart attack.
More commercials before Sheamus makes his way to the ring for a match.
We see a clip of Sheamus presenting the award for Best Male at The MTV Europe Music Awards to Justin fucking Bieber. Inexplicably he doesn’t Brogue Kick his head off.
His opponent will be Jack Swagger.
Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger (w. Vickie Guerrero)
What the hell is with Swagger’s tan? What shade is that? Oak? Also, why does someone have to be knocked out of the ring before they’ll cut to a commercial?
Solid match, with a nice, fast tempo to it. Both men display some decent wrestling and striking moves. A clean win for Sheamus in the end off the Brogue Kick.
Decent match, but way too short.
John Cena Snr is trending. (Where’s my gun?)
Can I just say? SHEAMUS IS NOT A SHARK! Stop calling him Great White.
Cena’s new film The Reunion looks set to be his worst yet…by a distance.
Awesome, a Stone Cold Steve Austin DVD. Now THAT will be worth your hard-earned.
Backstage Zack Ryder is with The Bella Whore…I mean Twins. Alberto del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez appear and The Bella’s ditch Ryder to slag themselves up to Alberto. He isn’t interested, he has a meeting with John Laurinaitis. They want to party with Alberto after he beats Punk in New York on Sunday. Alberto talks about how good the party will be until Ryder interrupts talking about his own party. He refers to Alberto and Ricardo as Al and Ricky prompting disgusted looks from everyone to Ryder.
Next up, Natalya’s gonna’ fight Kelly Kelly.
We’re treated to a behind-the-scenes look at Kelly’s Maxim shoot where we see the director perving over her and then putting over her personality. (WHAT PERSONALITY?) She says it’s an honour to grace the cover. (Yeah, stripping down to a bikini and straddling a car is a huge honour)
Natalya (w. Diva’s Champion Beth Pheonix) vs. Kelly Kelly (w. Eve Torres & Alicia Fox)
Alicia looks like an extra from an Austin Powers film tonight.
Nat overpowers Kelly, shouts at her to cry, Eve and Alicia get on the apron, then immediately get back down for no reason whatsoever. Nattie goes for the sharpshooter, but Kelly reverses into a small package for the win.
Again, that was the whole match. And it was terrible. Fuck you WWE.
John Laurinaitis is on the phone in his office, apparently to Brodus Clay, promising him he’ll debut next week.
So, weeks of buildup only to keep bumping the guy off the card. They seriously couldn’t fit a 30 second squash into this commercial-fest of a show?
Alberto del Rio arrives. Laurinaitis says Punk is humiliating him. Alberto says Punk may not make Survivor Series and goes on to say he’ll be champ longer than Laurinaitis is GM. He leaves and Laurinaitis seems unaware he’s just been insulted.
We run down the card for Survivor Series and I have to say for the 25th anniversary it’s nothing special.
Elsewhere backstage Matt Striker is with Awesome Truth. He asks them questions. They blank him and stare and pull faces, then leave. Great segment.
Still backstage, Punk is heading to the ring when he’s attacked by Alberto and whipped into a trailer, then given a piss-weak beatdown that lasts about 5 seconds.
After commercial Alberto arrives at ringside in a Mercedes and takes forever to get down to the ring. Enough time for Cole to tell us Alberto graces the cover of Hombre, which is apparently a “bilingual, lifestyle magazine”. They show the cover to prove it exists.
Mark Henry next, with a new t-shirt. On the front it reads “Hall Of Pain” with a large picture of Henry’s face, which makes it appear as though he’s being anally-violated. The back says “All will suffer”. (Did Heidenreich design this??
Big Show next, who looks like he just drank a crate of Red Bull.
Now CM punk, selling the arm. Cole says he’s selling the shoulder. It’s clearly his arm Cole you fuck. Punk pursues Alberto around the ring, but has to stop short because Alberto just stops paying attention and jaws with the crowd, oblivious to the fact Punk has caught him up.
WWE Champion Alberto del Rio (w. Ricardo Rodriguez) & World Heavyweight Champion Mark Henry vs. Big Show & CM Punk
Match starts illogically with Alberto VOLUNTEERING to start against Big Show, making him look a fool.
Early in the match Punk pays some sort of homage to Stone Cold by mudhole stomping Alberto in the corner with such similarity to Austin that even King says he’s stomping a mudhole.
Generic, but incredibly slow tag-team match. Large portions of time where literally nothing happens.
John Laurinaitis tweets a thankyou to Michael Cole on behalf of the WWE Universe for soldiering on through the pain.
Once we hit clusterfuck time, it descends into such chaos for a moment nobody seems to know what they’re doing. It ends when Alberto pins Punk off the World’s Strongest Slam.
Post-match he applies the cross-armbreaker to Punk to further injure the arm until Show chases him off.
Flo Rida’s “Good Feeling” will be the official theme for Survivor Series.
Out comes Santino now. He asks that we forgive his interruption but Boston is where he almost won this years Royal Rumble. He rambles about Boston some more and says next time he’s here he’ll be champ. Kevin Nash’s music hits.
Nash ambles to the ring to sporadic Diesel chants and looking as though he’s stolen X-Pac’s beard.
Santino begs not to be beaten up to make a point. Nash tells him to relax, he’s a big Santino fan. He just came out because the mention of the rumble brought back some good memories. He asks Santino to do his trombone celebration, then delivers one of the worst-looking big boots ever. He puts his appearance over at the rumble massively and says HHH should have signed him then. (Even though Vince was still in charge then Kev) He says “I’m here, HHH isn’t” and then gives Santino the jacknife. A very careful jacknife it has to be said.
Backstage Orton is doing press-ups. Also, he’s had a shave.
Next week’s guest star will be Jonah Hill. (I don’t care)
More hard-sell for WWE 12 with clips of The Rock (just in case you forgot about him) and King calling it the best video game ever made.
Wade Barrett heads for the ring with his entire Survivor Series team. We get a replay of his victory over Orton last week on SmackDown. King says everyone can identify with how painful a thumb to the eye can be. (Is it just me? Or does that not actually ever happen to anyone in real life?)
Wade says Orton is the past and he’s the present and future. The Barrett Barrage rolls on (I hate that term). Wade says he’ll set and example for his team.
Now Orton comes out with his team (totally negating his comments about him being in teams from SmackDown). Sheamus has a “Great White” t-shirt now.
Wade Barrett (w. Hunico, Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes, United States Champion Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger) vs. Randy Orton (w. Tag-Team Champion Kofi Kingston, Sin Cara, Sheamus & Mason Ryan)
I love how Orton’s slithery mannerisms have gradually morphed into a permanent constipated style over time.
Fairly dull match until they just have everyone fight everyone causing Orton to win by DQ.
Another short, pointless match.
It’s time for The Rock. Justin Roberts does a near-eternity lasting delayed introduction as though it’s a surprise.
After he eventually hits the ring Rock milks it a bit and flashes that hideously fake smile he has.
Rock then breaks down his whole day’s itinerary, slipping in a fruity pebbles joke and a shill for his new G.I. Joe film. He goes on and on about nothing before justifying his attack on Mick Foley earlier, saying he loves Mick like a Brother, but couldn’t stand to watch that sack-of-shit segment any longer (in so many words at least) He calls himself “The most electrifying man in twittertainment” and says all he has to do is say “Boots to asses” (his new t-shirt slogan) and it’ll trend worldwide. The crowd start chanting it, much to Rock’s amusement. He calls out Awesome Truth.
Miz and Truth appear, with Miz trying to look gangster as he walks to the ring, whilst looking like an extra from a Spandau Ballet video.
Miz starts with the “Really?” routine. Truth gets the “What” chants. Catchphrases are thrown around like confetti and Miz says they don’t care about any of Rock’s routines or trends. They’re going to save it all for Survivor Series and make history. They go to leave but Cena’s music halts them.
Cena milks the crowd a bit, then asks Miz if he’s wearing makeup. He asks us to excuse Rock, but all Rock has actually brought in the last 7 years is crappy satellite feeds. (Then my signal cuts momentarily and I miss Rock’s response). Rock threatens to kick Cena in his “ladyparts”. The crowd chant that now. Cena says at Survivor Series they have to be a team and if Rock’s ego gets in the way “John Cena bitchslaps The Rock” will be trending worldwide.
Miz interrupts saying he’s sick of this. He says to go ahead and make he and Truth an afterthought, because last time Cena did that Miz beat him at Wrestlemania.
More boots to asses chanting and the faces attack. Cena seems to trip over and fall into Miz more than actually attack him. Truth takes a Rock Bottom. Miz is hoisted up for the AA, but Rock pulls Miz down to deliver a Rock Bottom to him too and leaves. He gives a pissed-off looking Cena the “You can’t see me” gesture at the top of the stage as we go off air.
So, there we have it. A 3 hour show that could have easily fit into 2 hours that contained matches with lame endings, all heavily shortened to lengthen the Michael Cole and This Is Your Life segments, both of which were pretty terrible anyway. This was a poor show with almost nothing to write home about.
Thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far. If you haven’t then fuck you and your Mother. Any feedback gratefully received at firstname.lastname@example.org
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).