Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE
RAW RANT:
(11/09/09)
By Cameron Burge

Gentlemen! I give you…MORE CORN.

This time…SHALL BE DIFFERENT!

Raw 11.09.09

Tonight’s show is opened by a replay of Show and Jericho taking everyone out before theme and pyro bring us into the show proper. Tonight we’re not just rerunning storylines and matches, we’ve decided to rerun guest hosts as well, replacing our last Welterweight Champion with his White Version this time in Ricky Hatton. Ricky’s not looking to be in such great shape actually. I’m also convinced now that the only purpose in the Bella Twins’ existence is to escort old men and guest hosts to the ring. Ricky says he’s excited to be here but you couldn’t tell as his he runs the emotional gamut between apathy and boredom in his speech. Eventually he’s interrupted by Designated Guest Host Interrupters Chris Jericho and The Big Show.

Ricky brings up Big Show’s unimpressive string against boxers so far. Big Show offers him the same deal as Floyd Mayweather, a free shot to the chin. Okay, just let him get his pants down here….Oh wait. Ricky accepts if he could have a ladder so Big Show kneels down. Ricky drops drawers. Oh. Wait. Chris steps in the way to block the punch though and says he’s not going to let Show be embarrassed by a low life boxer again so he can be one hundred percent going into Survivor Series. Chris gloats about himself as Show wonders why Jericho thinks he’s going to win that match. Big Show calls Jericho a Napoleon which is just insulting because Napoleon was French. Ricky decides, in his same monotone to make a match between them and DX. Jericho goes on a diatribe about the British and Ricky demands they speak his language instead of using his big fancy words. I’m not sure who this is insulting actually. Ricky stares Jericho off and tells him to piss off
before They start to surround him but DX decides to join the fun shortly thereafter.

Trips brings up how every week they pick on the hosts and end up looking like twats like being knocked out by Shaq and emotionally bruised by Bob Barker. Trips says they’ll take care of them tonight and HBK wonders why not right now before knocking Jericho out to the floor. Show faces off with them all by himself before after a long preparation he just takes a walk. God Ricky is so stiff he can’t even do a DX chop.

Random Commercial Thought: New Moon looks like it’s somehow EVEN SHITTIER than the last movie, and yet I bet it makes more vagina movie on its first day than the first did on its entire run.

Back to the show. We get a replay of Alicia Fox’s win from last week before Kelly Kelly (I love how my spell checker protests over her name for being filed under the Department of Redundancy Department) comes out with Gail Kim for some reason. Alicia Fox is out with Jillian Hall because all of the good heel divas aren’t on Raw anymore.

Alicia Fox w/ Jillian Hall vs. Kelly Kelly w/ Gail Kim

Alicia pushes Kelly by the face so Kelly tackles and Alicia escapes to the corner, tripping Kelly into the turnbuckle and stomping her down. She starts slamming Kelly to the mat and covers for one. Melina looks to be watching in the back and possibly doing some kind of prayer for some reason. Alicia levels Kelly with a short arm clothesline before pulling her hair and slamming her back to the ground. Alicia keeps primping her hair after every hit. Hey look a headlock in a Diva’s match. Kelly breaks out and starts delivering a series of clotheslines. She leaps over Alica in the corner and back flips into a sloppy hurricanrana for two. Kelly delivers a standing guillotine leg drop for another two before Alicia shuts her down by dropping her neck first on the top rope and ending it with a scissors kick.
Winner: Alicia

Booker T is considerably hotter now. So why were those other girls out there? After a segment about Wrestlemania tickets we see Ricky in the back with some little boy when Cena arrives. I have no idea what Ricky says to him since he’s impossible to hear and has a thick accent. Apparently they all agree it was worth smiling over as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Remember when you think your brother is dead, immediately go and bang his hot wife.

Back to the show where we’ve got nothing better to do than talk about how bad Sheamus wrecked Jamie Noble last week. Apparently he’s been granted membership on Team Miz for Survivor Series, hilariously looking god fucking awful in comparison to Morrison’s teams.

Sheamus vs. Random Jobber

Sheamus just crushes this poor nameless bastard for a little bit while the audience takes a piss break. Blow by blow would be pointless here, it’s every other squash you’ve ever seen. Interestingly though he used the Razer’s Edge to win.
Winner: Sheamus

After the match it’s back to more commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Run for your lives!

Back to the show where in the back the Bellas are talking to Ricky and confronted by a boxing attire Santino. Chavo seems pretty confident when he arrives for a guy who lost to Santino on fucking Superstars. Chavo gets embarrassed in darts because he doesn’t look like a big enough douche yet and then he challenges Santino. Yep, you’re career has come to CHALLENGING SANTINO MARELLA TO MATCHES. Anyway, Miz is elsewhere to talk about his team when Swagger confronts him about being a team captain as well. Miz mocks him before we go yet again to commercial. God damn haven’t we had enough of those yet?

Random Commercial Thought: Shortest break ever. Why did we even cut to commercial here?

Back to the show where Evan Bourne arrives to take on Jack Swagger. In America!

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

Evan gets his shit wrecked with Swagger just running him over for a two count early on. Bourne rallies back with a dropkick for two and a quick wrap around roll up for another two. Swagger gets crushed by a flying knee drop to the face for yet another two. Swagger rallies back on Bourne but The Miz interrupts things to wander out to the ring while Bourne is squished by a belly to belly suplex. Bourne suddenly lashes out with a big kick to level Swagger and finish him off with Air Bourne.
Winner: Bourne

The Miz says he’s team captain because he’s awesome, which is a pretty credible list of credentials I guess. Sounds like a good enough excuse for more commercials to me.

Random Commercial Thought: I feel like I’m being cheated out of more show tonight.

Back to the show. We get a video package about Kyle Bush’s last race before we go to the VIP lounge for a segment I bet will be so worth I can’t wait to- OH LOOK SHINY. I like how MVP dressed in normal clothes and Mark Henry wore his sweaty ass jumpsuit. The Brits look like they don’t even know what black people are. Henry introduces their guest, Kofi Kingston who will be leading a team against Randy Orton. Kofi also wore clothes which just makes Henry look even more awkward here. Kofi’s microphone is off for part of his thanks for getting Mark Henry on his team…why would you thank anyone for that? Anyway they waste some time before Randy Orton and Legacy crash the lounge. They stare down the bouncer until he lets them by. Worst. Bouncer. Ever. Legacy talks trash, just coming short of mentioning that they can’t be VIP because they’re black. But you know they wanna. That’s a right reserved for Triple H though. Kofi just trots up and
bitchslaps Orton. We quite suddenly and jarringly cut to commercial. Oh for Christ’s sake. We’ve barely been able to make it ten minutes without one so far.

Random Commercial Thought: Mmm Go Cox….

Back to the show. Apparently we decided to start the match between Orton and Henry during the break.

Mark Henry w/ Kingston & MVP vs. Randy Orton w/ Legacy

Henry just throws Orton out of a tie up after absorbing a punch like Spongebob. Henry tosses Orton off when he comes at him off the ropes but approaching Orton in the corner earns a kick to the gut and Orton tosses him face first into the middle turnbuckle. Orton goes for some mounted punches but Henry just comes back with a bear hug and slams him down for two. Orton trips Henry up and stomps away on Henry’s legs before dropping a knee to the face for one when Henry throws him off. Orton goes to some more kicks and a headlock. One time I removed a computer Orton’s ability to do kicks, punches and headlocks in Smackdown vs. Raw and it just stood there all match.

Orton continues to stomp on Henry and work another headlock. Thrilling. Orton comes at Henry off the ropes but runs into a scoop slam for two. King mentions that no matter what happens tonight or on Superstars (between Dibiase and MVP), things won’t be settled until survivor series. Way to sell the matches, King. Henry crushes Orton with repeated head butts. Orton tries a sunset flip and Henry just drags him up only for Orton to jump into an RKO for the win.
Winner: Orton

Oh yeah I forgot, he doesn’t need a moveset. At all. Kingston checks on Henry and Orton comes up to slap him but Kingston just slugs him one, knocking Orton to the floor as Legacy “holds him back.”

Random Commercial Thought: People were assassinated in every famous cathedral.

Back to the show. We get a view of a very big ferris wheel which is apparently a big deal in Britain despite being equivalent to have a very big ball of twine. I neglected to mention earlier that Ricky Hatton decided to take Chavo on instead of Santino so that’s what we are getting now with Ricky coming out in a poncho that has his tag on it already, making me wonder why he owned one of those, and a matching sombrero. Apparently Ricky is restricted to boxing victory rules and Chavo is restricted to wrestling rules.

Ricky Hatton vs. Chavo Guerrero (Boxer vs. Wrestler Match)

Hatton chases Chavo to the floor with swift jabs that run him into a corner twice in a row. Ricky pumps up the crowd before pummeling the midsection on Chavo until he rolls to the floor. Chavo takes Ricky down and Hatton actually manages to push him off. Chavo kicks and starts to tries a take down from behind but Ricky breaks free and knocks him straight out with one heavy punch for the ten count.
Winner: Hatton

That looked a little stiff. Who decided Hatton should wear fagoty frills under the waist band of his shorts?

Random Commercial Thought: Uh guys….wrestling shouldn’t have Twilight commercials on it. I think they are taking the half-naked oiled men the wrong way.

Back to the show. Card rundown of Survivor Series. In the back, Cena is trying to explain to Hornswoggle why he needs to stop doing DX stuff. The knock on his door alerts him to DX’s presence so he has Horny hide. We get some gay jokes and demands for the leprechaun. Cena calls him out where he is wearing Cena gear now. As soon as they leave he strips the Cena gear off to reveal the DX clothes beneath and starts cross chopping. Would someone please explain why this is happening. Can it please just end with Hornswoggle being fired?

Random Commercial Thought: The Rock, oh how the mighty have fallen.

Back To the show and a replay of Ozzy from last week. Nobody cared. This is padding. They make us watch a full recap of Raw’s Got Talent because somebody just hates me I guess. John Cena then makes his way out to sit at ringside for the tag team match we’re about to see. I’ve come to like the mixture of Jericho and Show’s theme since they redid it to match up a little better. I can’t say the same thing for Show’s purple people eater suit. DX make their way out and amazingly we manage not to go to commercial first.

Unified Tag Team Champions The Big Show & Chris Jericho vs. Degeneration X (Non-title Match)

Jericho starts off with Michaels, Shawn chopping him down and tagging out to Trips who comes in with some hard rights. Jericho catches him with a kick in the corner and Jericho punches him down into the corner. Jericho takes a knee lift that looks a little sloppy before Trips catches a retaliating dropkick with a monkey flip that sends Jericho to the floor and us to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Is the special meal for retarded people?

Back to the match. Jericho is laying out Michaels in the ring before tagging out to Big Show. Michaels dropkicks his legs out and covers for one. I like how those tossing kick out are called kicking out with authority. Like throwing a guy off you leaves you in charge. Big Show comes back with some hard blows and tags back out to Jericho. Jericho rakes the eyes and works Michaels over a little more before Show is right back in with big punches. Show stands over Michaels in a stupid pose that makes him look like he forgot what he was doing for a second. He lets Michaels crawl to Trips before hoisting him up only for Michaels to slip free and make the tag. Trips delivers a face buster but Show back tosses him out of the Pedigree and crushes Trips with a spear.

Trips is tossed into the heel corner and takes some big shots to the gut as Jericho comes in with some kicks and punches to the midsection of his own. He does some taunting footwork and taunts Michaels to distract the ref while Trips is choked out by Show. The crowd sounds like it could care less. Trips fights out of a headlock with some big rights but he runs right into a knee to the gut from Jericho for two. Big Show back in now with more bodywork, walking on Trips’ stomach. I can’t believe I’m actually seeing logic in this match, but how much you wanna bet it will have nothing to do with the finish at all? Trips kicks Big Show in the the jaw in the corner but Show runs him over with a clothesline and delivers a body splash for two.

Waist lock from Big Show with Trips trying to fight out to no avail. Show tosses him down and tags in Jericho. Trips fights back but Jericho pounds him into submission in the corner. Jericho’s rebound bulldog is countered with a spine buster by Trips. Show seems to have realized how retardedly stupid it was to tag out. Shawn makes the tags and delivers the flying forearm, nip up into some inverted atomic drops. He gives a scoop slam and knocks Big Show from the apron before going up top and nailing the elbow drop. Cole busts out his first “Vintage” tonight while Michaels tunes up the band only for Jericho to duck into the Walls. Shawn kicks his way out but Big Show crushes them both with a charge in the corner. Michaels ducks the knockout punch, creaming Jericho instead. Trips runs in and sends Show to the floor with a clothesline and Michaels picks up the three.
Winners: DX

After the match the announcer tells us the main event next week is a Triple Threat tag with DX vs. Big Show & Jericho vs. Cena and….we get a gong and The Undertaker arrives. Sounds interesting actually.

Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was surprisingly good this week, worth the watch.

Lowlight of the Night: Boxer vs. Wrestler match? Lamesauce.

WWE “Creative” Award: Hornswoggle copyright issues continue. WHY?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).