Gentlemen! I give
This time…SHALL BE DIFFERENT!
Tonight’s show is opened
by a replay of Show and Jericho taking everyone out
before theme and pyro bring us into the show proper.
Tonight we’re not just rerunning storylines and
matches, we’ve decided to rerun guest hosts as well,
replacing our last Welterweight Champion with his
White Version this time in Ricky Hatton. Ricky’s not
looking to be in such great shape actually. I’m also
convinced now that the only purpose in the Bella
Twins’ existence is to escort old men and guest
hosts to the ring. Ricky says he’s excited to be
here but you couldn’t tell as his he runs the
emotional gamut between apathy and boredom in his
speech. Eventually he’s interrupted by Designated
Guest Host Interrupters Chris Jericho and The Big
Ricky brings up Big Show’s unimpressive
string against boxers so far. Big Show offers him
the same deal as Floyd Mayweather, a free shot to
the chin. Okay, just let him get his pants down
here….Oh wait. Ricky accepts if he could have a
ladder so Big Show kneels down. Ricky drops drawers.
Oh. Wait. Chris steps in the way to block the punch
though and says he’s not going to let Show be
embarrassed by a low life boxer again so he can be
one hundred percent going into Survivor Series.
Chris gloats about himself as Show wonders why
Jericho thinks he’s going to win that match. Big
Show calls Jericho a Napoleon which is just
insulting because Napoleon was French. Ricky
decides, in his same monotone to make a match
between them and DX. Jericho goes on a diatribe
about the British and Ricky demands they speak his
language instead of using his big fancy words. I’m
not sure who this is insulting actually. Ricky
stares Jericho off and tells him to piss off
before They start to surround him but DX decides to
join the fun shortly thereafter.
up how every week they pick on the hosts and end up
looking like twats like being knocked out by Shaq
and emotionally bruised by Bob Barker. Trips says
they’ll take care of them tonight and HBK wonders
why not right now before knocking Jericho out to the
floor. Show faces off with them all by himself
before after a long preparation he just takes a
walk. God Ricky is so stiff he can’t even do a DX
Random Commercial Thought: New Moon
looks like it’s somehow EVEN SHITTIER than the last
movie, and yet I bet it makes more vagina movie on
its first day than the first did on its entire run.
Back to the show. We get a replay of Alicia Fox’s
win from last week before Kelly Kelly (I love how my
spell checker protests over her name for being filed
under the Department of Redundancy Department) comes
out with Gail Kim for some reason. Alicia Fox is out
with Jillian Hall because all of the good heel divas
aren’t on Raw anymore.
Alicia Fox w/ Jillian Hall vs. Kelly Kelly w/ Gail
Alicia pushes Kelly by the face so
Kelly tackles and Alicia escapes to the corner,
tripping Kelly into the turnbuckle and stomping her
down. She starts slamming Kelly to the mat and
covers for one. Melina looks to be watching in the
back and possibly doing some kind of prayer for some
reason. Alicia levels Kelly with a short arm
clothesline before pulling her hair and slamming her
back to the ground. Alicia keeps primping her hair
after every hit. Hey look a headlock in a Diva’s
match. Kelly breaks out and starts delivering a
series of clotheslines. She leaps over Alica in the
corner and back flips into a sloppy hurricanrana for
two. Kelly delivers a standing guillotine leg drop
for another two before Alicia shuts her down by
dropping her neck first on the top rope and ending
it with a scissors kick.
Booker T is considerably hotter now. So why were
those other girls out there? After a segment about
Wrestlemania tickets we see Ricky in the back with
some little boy when Cena arrives. I have no idea
what Ricky says to him since he’s impossible to hear
and has a thick accent. Apparently they all agree it
was worth smiling over as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Remember when you think
your brother is dead, immediately go and bang his
Back to the show where we’ve got
nothing better to do than talk about how bad Sheamus
wrecked Jamie Noble last week. Apparently he’s been
granted membership on Team Miz for Survivor Series,
hilariously looking god fucking awful in comparison
to Morrison’s teams.
Sheamus vs. Random Jobber
crushes this poor nameless bastard for a little bit
while the audience takes a piss break. Blow by blow
would be pointless here, it’s every other squash
you’ve ever seen. Interestingly though he used the
Razer’s Edge to win.
the match it’s back to more commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Run for your lives!
Back to the show where in the back the Bellas are
talking to Ricky and confronted by a boxing attire
Santino. Chavo seems pretty confident when he
arrives for a guy who lost to Santino on fucking
Superstars. Chavo gets embarrassed in darts because
he doesn’t look like a big enough douche yet and
then he challenges Santino. Yep, you’re career has
come to CHALLENGING SANTINO MARELLA TO MATCHES.
Anyway, Miz is elsewhere to talk about his team when
Swagger confronts him about being a team captain as
well. Miz mocks him before we go yet again to
commercial. God damn haven’t we had enough of those
Random Commercial Thought: Shortest
break ever. Why did we even cut to commercial here?
Back to the show where Evan Bourne arrives to take
on Jack Swagger. In America!
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
his shit wrecked with Swagger just running him over
for a two count early on. Bourne rallies back with a
dropkick for two and a quick wrap around roll up for
another two. Swagger gets crushed by a flying knee
drop to the face for yet another two. Swagger
rallies back on Bourne but The Miz interrupts things
to wander out to the ring while Bourne is squished
by a belly to belly suplex. Bourne suddenly lashes
out with a big kick to level Swagger and finish him
off with Air Bourne.
Miz says he’s team captain because he’s awesome,
which is a pretty credible list of credentials I
guess. Sounds like a good enough excuse for more
commercials to me.
Random Commercial Thought:
I feel like I’m being cheated out of more show
Back to the show. We get a video
package about Kyle Bush’s last race before we go to
the VIP lounge for a segment I bet will be so worth
I can’t wait to- OH LOOK SHINY. I like how MVP
dressed in normal clothes and Mark Henry wore his
sweaty ass jumpsuit. The Brits look like they don’t
even know what black people are. Henry introduces
their guest, Kofi Kingston who will be leading a
team against Randy Orton. Kofi also wore clothes
which just makes Henry look even more awkward here.
Kofi’s microphone is off for part of his thanks for
getting Mark Henry on his team…why would you thank
anyone for that? Anyway they waste some time before
Randy Orton and Legacy crash the lounge. They stare
down the bouncer until he lets them by. Worst.
Bouncer. Ever. Legacy talks trash, just coming short
of mentioning that they can’t be VIP because they’re
black. But you know they wanna. That’s a right
reserved for Triple H though. Kofi just trots up and
bitchslaps Orton. We quite suddenly and jarringly
cut to commercial. Oh for Christ’s sake. We’ve
barely been able to make it ten minutes without one
Random Commercial Thought: Mmm Go
Back to the show. Apparently we decided
to start the match between Orton and Henry during
Henry w/ Kingston & MVP vs. Randy Orton w/ Legacy
Henry just throws Orton out of a tie up after
absorbing a punch like Spongebob. Henry tosses Orton
off when he comes at him off the ropes but
approaching Orton in the corner earns a kick to the
gut and Orton tosses him face first into the middle
turnbuckle. Orton goes for some mounted punches but
Henry just comes back with a bear hug and slams him
down for two. Orton trips Henry up and stomps away
on Henry’s legs before dropping a knee to the face
for one when Henry throws him off. Orton goes to
some more kicks and a headlock. One time I removed a
computer Orton’s ability to do kicks, punches and
headlocks in Smackdown vs. Raw and it just stood
there all match.
Orton continues to stomp on
Henry and work another headlock. Thrilling. Orton
comes at Henry off the ropes but runs into a scoop
slam for two. King mentions that no matter what
happens tonight or on Superstars (between Dibiase
and MVP), things won’t be settled until survivor
series. Way to sell the matches, King. Henry crushes
Orton with repeated head butts. Orton tries a sunset
flip and Henry just drags him up only for Orton to
jump into an RKO for the win.
Oh yeah I forgot, he doesn’t need a moveset. At all.
Kingston checks on Henry and Orton comes up to slap
him but Kingston just slugs him one, knocking Orton
to the floor as Legacy “holds him back.”
Random Commercial Thought: People were assassinated
in every famous cathedral.
Back to the show.
We get a view of a very big ferris wheel which is
apparently a big deal in Britain despite being
equivalent to have a very big ball of twine. I
neglected to mention earlier that Ricky Hatton
decided to take Chavo on instead of Santino so
that’s what we are getting now with Ricky coming out
in a poncho that has his tag on it already, making
me wonder why he owned one of those, and a matching
sombrero. Apparently Ricky is restricted to boxing
victory rules and Chavo is restricted to wrestling
Ricky Hatton vs. Chavo Guerrero
(Boxer vs. Wrestler Match)
chases Chavo to the floor with swift jabs that run
him into a corner twice in a row. Ricky pumps up the
crowd before pummeling the midsection on Chavo until
he rolls to the floor. Chavo takes Ricky down and
Hatton actually manages to push him off. Chavo kicks
and starts to tries a take down from behind but
Ricky breaks free and knocks him straight out with
one heavy punch for the ten count.
That looked a little stiff. Who decided Hatton
should wear fagoty frills under the waist band of
Random Commercial Thought: Uh
guys….wrestling shouldn’t have Twilight commercials
on it. I think they are taking the half-naked oiled
men the wrong way.
Back to the show. Card
rundown of Survivor Series. In the back, Cena is
trying to explain to Hornswoggle why he needs to
stop doing DX stuff. The knock on his door alerts
him to DX’s presence so he has Horny hide. We get
some gay jokes and demands for the leprechaun. Cena
calls him out where he is wearing Cena gear now. As
soon as they leave he strips the Cena gear off to
reveal the DX clothes beneath and starts cross
chopping. Would someone please explain why this is
happening. Can it please just end with Hornswoggle
Random Commercial Thought: The
Rock, oh how the mighty have fallen.
the show and a replay of Ozzy from last week. Nobody
cared. This is padding. They make us watch a full
recap of Raw’s Got Talent because somebody just
hates me I guess. John Cena then makes his way out
to sit at ringside for the tag team match we’re
about to see. I’ve come to like the mixture of
Jericho and Show’s theme since they redid it to
match up a little better. I can’t say the same thing
for Show’s purple people eater suit. DX make their
way out and amazingly we manage not to go to
Unified Tag Team Champions The Big Show & Chris
Jericho vs. Degeneration X (Non-title Match)
Jericho starts off with Michaels, Shawn chopping him
down and tagging out to Trips who comes in with some
hard rights. Jericho catches him with a kick in the
corner and Jericho punches him down into the corner.
Jericho takes a knee lift that looks a little sloppy
before Trips catches a retaliating dropkick with a
monkey flip that sends Jericho to the floor and us
Random Commercial Thought: Is
the special meal for retarded people?
the match. Jericho is laying out Michaels in the
ring before tagging out to Big Show. Michaels
dropkicks his legs out and covers for one. I like
how those tossing kick out are called kicking out
with authority. Like throwing a guy off you leaves
you in charge. Big Show comes back with some hard
blows and tags back out to Jericho. Jericho rakes
the eyes and works Michaels over a little more
before Show is right back in with big punches. Show
stands over Michaels in a stupid pose that makes him
look like he forgot what he was doing for a second.
He lets Michaels crawl to Trips before hoisting him
up only for Michaels to slip free and make the tag.
Trips delivers a face buster but Show back tosses
him out of the Pedigree and crushes Trips with a
Trips is tossed into the heel corner
and takes some big shots to the gut as Jericho comes
in with some kicks and punches to the midsection of
his own. He does some taunting footwork and taunts
Michaels to distract the ref while Trips is choked
out by Show. The crowd sounds like it could care
less. Trips fights out of a headlock with some big
rights but he runs right into a knee to the gut from
Jericho for two. Big Show back in now with more
bodywork, walking on Trips’ stomach. I can’t believe
I’m actually seeing logic in this match, but how
much you wanna bet it will have nothing to do with
the finish at all? Trips kicks Big Show in the the
jaw in the corner but Show runs him over with a
clothesline and delivers a body splash for two.
Waist lock from Big Show with Trips trying to fight
out to no avail. Show tosses him down and tags in
Jericho. Trips fights back but Jericho pounds him
into submission in the corner. Jericho’s rebound
bulldog is countered with a spine buster by Trips.
Show seems to have realized how retardedly stupid it
was to tag out. Shawn makes the tags and delivers
the flying forearm, nip up into some inverted atomic
drops. He gives a scoop slam and knocks Big Show
from the apron before going up top and nailing the
elbow drop. Cole busts out his first “Vintage”
tonight while Michaels tunes up the band only for
Jericho to duck into the Walls. Shawn kicks his way
out but Big Show crushes them both with a charge in
the corner. Michaels ducks the knockout punch,
creaming Jericho instead. Trips runs in and sends
Show to the floor with a clothesline and Michaels
picks up the three.
match the announcer tells us the main event next
week is a Triple Threat tag with DX vs. Big Show &
Jericho vs. Cena and….we get a gong and The
Undertaker arrives. Sounds interesting actually.
Highlight of the Night: The Main Event was
surprisingly good this week, worth the watch.
Lowlight of the Night: Boxer vs. Wrestler
WWE “Creative” Award: Hornswoggle copyright
issues continue. WHY?
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).