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RAW RANT:
(11/08/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the Raw Rant now brought to you with 100% more ADAMANTIUM RAGE. Also Nerd Rage. And regular Rage. Lots of Rage….So. Much. Rage.

Raw 11.08.10

The show opens with no fanfare as we see Cena at a Nexus podium to read from an olde timey scroll with which he introduces Wade Barrett. Wade gets a mixed reaction from the crowd since he’s got some home country hype behind him. Nexus follow him out. Why is there a car there? Heath Slater looks so excited to wear a belt, but as if even he doesn’t know why he has one. Josh Matthews and Cole are announcing because King has a knee injuring…which prevents him from sitting in a chair and talking. Manchester gets much more excited when he promises he’s inviting them all to a party. The assumption is of course there will be alcohol and nothing gets the Brits excited like drinking.

Wade rolls the footage from Friday when Otunga gets beat on Smackdown. Wade calls Otunga out for his many fuckups. The crowd chants something I assume is in English, but not in AMERICUN! So I couldn’t understand it. Wade berates Otunga for embarrassing them on Smackdown and then moves on to Cena. Nothing important is said that hasn’t been said every day since this storyline started so suffice to say it ends with Cena threatening to beat Wade down. Wade forces Cena to announce him the winner of the match as practice for Survivor Series. I think he’s forgotten that the referees do not announce the winners of matches so Cena wouldn’t have to do that, retard. Orton interrupts this before it can happen. Orton says he can beat Wade no matter who the referee is.

Wade says he has an army of men behind him (gay) and Orton doesn’t. Raw GM time. I think there was just a suck it chant. The GM cancels Wade’s celebration preview and says the match at the PPV can only be won by pinfall or submission, and Nexus is banned. The GM grants Orton an army in a ten man tag team match for the main event with Cena as the referee….again. Cena throws a fit and knocks over the Nexus podium before shoving Otunga onto his ass for no reason and storming off. Also there is a Diva’s Cup later. I refuse to care.

Random Commercial Thought: Dallas fucking blows.

Back to the show where the divas are out to do a soccar theme tag match. They call this the Pat Patterson invitational. Sadly, the real version of that event would involve Sylvan’s penis. They then tell us there are six divas and one cup. Urge to make shit joke rising…

Tamina & Maryse & Alicia Fox vs. The Bellas & Eve Torres

Tamina starts out with Eve and crushes her with a samoan drop for two. Maryse tags in and tries to get a two count of her own. She taunts the Bellas and works a camel (toe) clutch. Josh mentions that Cole is a lacky for the GM, and Cole reminds him that he isn’t seen reading any emails. Matthews says they are bending it like Beckam. I wasn’t watching and at some point Alicia an a Bella came in. Alicia reversed a move into the weirdest botched body slam ever. Bella gets a cross body for two and everybody spills in, Maryse gives the French Kiss to the Bella, but while the ref is distracted, they pull a Bella Switch and Alicia Fox gets caught by a roll up. Alicia Fox was oddly LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM WHEN THIS HAPPENED, and still managed to fall for it.
Winners: Eve & Bellas

Nexus are in the back and Otunga says nobody punks them when Wade comes in on him talking it up like he’s in charge. Wade reveals Otunga isn’t going to be allowed into the match, and will instead face Cena in a one on one fight.

Random Commercial Thought: Hulk Hogan probably doesn’t know how to operate a fucking VCR, let alone a touch screen.

Natalya and the Dynasty are out to take on Jimmy and Jey, but Tamina was apparently too lazy to follow them back out after her match. Oh yay, reruns.

The Usos vs. The Hart Dynasty

Smith starts off with Jimmy and puts him down with a suplex before knocking Jey off the Apron. He hits them into each other and they stand around outside for a long time before Tyson leaps off with a head scissors onto Jey. He then throws Jimmy back in and actually tries to hit an elbow drop off the top like it was gonna work. Jey tags in and they start to work Tyson over in the corner. Smith argues with Natalya at ringside why Tyson is fighting back and almost misses a tag opportunity. He crushes his Uso of choice, whichever one it is, with suplexes which was pretty cool. Smith gets two before ramming him into a corner and then turning into the running power slam for two. An Uso makes the save and Tyson tries to take care of it only to eat a super kick at ringside. Smith is trying for a Sharpshooter, but is distracted by Jimmy and kicks him off the apron. Jey super kicks Smith and finishes it with the Super Fly for the win.
Winners: Usos

If you didn’t predict the ending to this match, you are probably a moron. Miss Cleo says, you fucking blind. In other news, Santino invites Sheamus to a tea party tonight. I’ll….I’ll just let that sink in.

Random Commercial Thought: I fight with fish.
Matt Striker interviews Orton in the back. Hilariously he got Matthews normal position instead of Striker getting to be a commentator. Orton finds out he has The Miz on his team. Otunga has to give a pep talk to Nexus about how awesome he is and that he’s gonna rape Cena and hopes they have his back. They ask if Wade knows about this. He says they don’t need his permission. This has worked so well before.

Random Commercial Thought: Taco Shop has a really weird commercial where the owner scours his couch for change.

Back to the show for a replay of Goldust getting owned by Aksana. He painted black tears on his face.  Maryse joins him in the ring. She wasn’t as lazy as Tamina I guess, and she actually did something in the match.

Goldust vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse

Goldust takes control early and Ted tries to run but gets chased back into the ring. Goldust gets his inverted atomic drop, but Dibiase dodges the uppercut attempt and clotheslines Dusty. Dibiase keeps the pressure on and picks up a two count. Dibiase chokes out Goldust on the ropes before working a deadly chin lock. Goldust tries to fight back and eats a clothesline for two as Cole says King should give Goldust relationship advice. Maryse finally gets the hint to go get the fucking belt now. Goldust meanwhile takes control with his uppercut and a bulldog for two. Goldust hit’s a power slam out of the corner for another two. Aksana now runs out to take the belt from Maryse. Goldust gets distracted as Aksana runs off with the belt. Dibiase tries to attack him from behind, but Goldust just rolls him up for three. Haha, owned.
Winner: Aksana

Goldust doesn’t seem to care and just wanders off after Aksana. Like life, chasing giant titties never ends well.

Random Commercial Thought: Why is there a Skeleton Key 2?

Back to the show where David Otunga comes out in a hoodie to prove that Nexus has other clothes. Nexus follows him but after Otunga gets in the ring, Wade appear and takes Nexus back with him.

John Cena vs. David Otunga

Otunga makes a run for it up the ramp and Cena chases him down, slamming him into the car at ringside which is apparently perfectly legal. Cena takes him back to the ring for a clothesline. Cena plants him with a gut wrench suplex. Cena sets Otunga up for a dropkick that is apparently supposed to impress us, but being savvy viewers we’ve already seen the magnificent splendor of Bob Holly’s dropkick. Cena charges into a corner and misses, hitting the ring post. Dueling chants over Cena get huge, especially for the Cena Sucks side. Otunga beats on Cena at ring side. Back in the ring, Otunga hammers him down into the corner. Mostly just a series of punches and kicks for a while until Otunga misses an elbow drop and eats the entire Cena offense including the protobomb and five knuckle shuffle. Otunga decides to get raped by the FU and the STF.
Winner: Cena

Random Commercial Thought: Real men fight with trains.

Otunga is nursing his neck with an ice pack in the back when Wade comes along to tell him he’s taking on Edge on Smackdown and if he loses he’ll be out of Nexus. Santino and Kozlov come out looking like they are going to be in the music video for Puttin on the Ritz. They say they are trying to blend in with British Society. Mr. Bean and Benny Hill taught them everything they needed to know about England. He gets a big reaction from he crowd for a traffic joke and a chant. He has a pretty extravagant tea set up.

Sheamus is definitely not properly dressed for tea. Santino has a picture of Mr. T for Sheamus who now says he understands Santino now who isn’t bad, just misunderstood. He says he knew a man like Santino who has one friend who was a donkey and called him the village idiot. Santino also says that Sheamus has anger issues either because he was exposed to Gamma Rays or mistreated as a child for being a Ginger. Where is Heath Slater when I need him? Sheamus says Santino is so funny that he’s forgotten why he hates him so lad reminds them. It’s fucking hilarious. I actually love this. There’s a fucking Kozlov chant. Tea is poured on pants. Tables are thrown. The GM ruins the whole party. The Gm says the time for tea and crumpets has come to an end. It’s ALWAYS time for tea and crumpets. Kozlov is ordered out of the ring because Sheamus is getting a rematch with Santino.

Random Commercial Thought: What does Soldat van orange mean?

Santino peels off his suit and apparently has his ring gear on under there. That’s kind of weird.

Santino Morella vs. Sheamus

Santino keeps running from Sheamus and not wanting to interact with him. Sheamus eventually chases him out into the crowd. Shamus gets back in the ring while Santino does a work out at ringside so the GM interrupts things to make Santino decide to get in the ring or be suspended immediately. He asks if he has to do it right now. Matthews makes a good point that a short suspension may be a way better idea. Santino flexes his cobra arm and gets ran the fuck down through the cobra. Shamus just stomps the shit out of Sheamus in the corner and starts dragging him around the ring. Santino begs for his life and then punches Sheamus right in the balls Ric Flair style so he celebrates.
Winner: Sheamus

Santino of course dicks around too long and gets ran down by the pump kick and kneed in the back of the head a bunch of times before preparing for the High Cross. Cole calls this the Irish Curse again because he’s retarded. Morrison comes to the rescue and drops Sheamus with a flash kick. Morrison then drags Santino to safety. We see Cena in the back watching the Wrestlemania commercial on TV. That was an odd transition. After the commercial it zooms back out and Wade is now watching it with him.

Random Commercial Thought: I block UV light with my FACE.

Back to the show where we get a preview for Kane vs. Show on Smackdown. Oh, and Otunga. We get a video segment of all the legacy superstars talking about their history with their WWE families as part of the Standup for WWE thing. It’s only 9:40 my time right now and we are introducing Orton for the tag team match. I’m very worried about how long this match is going to be now. They start introducing his tag team partners: R-Ruth, Daniel Bryan, Mark Henry, and The Miz. Orton should have called in a trade for Henry. What about CM Punk? He’s a pretty cool guy. Or that Goldust cat. Cole and Alex Riley hug and high five at ring side. Brotastic. Nexus and Cena arrive as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought:

Team Orton vs. Nexus (Special Ref: John Cena)

Daniel and Gabriel start off. Bryan dropkicks Gabriel apparently right in the balls when he tries a leap frog. Mike tags in and Miz makes a blind tag out of an Irish whip to clothesline Mike from behind. He stomps Mike into the floor until Cena drags him off. Iz chants build up big. Miz hits his little riding kick in the corner that needs a name. Miz asks for a tag and everyone just stares at him for a bit until Orton takes it up. Orton crushes Mike and tosses him to the corner and demands Wade…who sends Heath in to the slaughter. Orton just stomps him down and tags in Truth. Truth continues to beat on Heath and ask us what is up. Truth does his dance flip out of the corner to the side kick for two but Gabriel breaks it up. Everyone hits the ring but Wade stays out. The brawl ends when Nexus take to the floor and Otunga comes out to the ring.

Random Commercial Thought: Remember that part of Star Wars when Vader flew through like eight walls then stood up like a badass unharmed? Me neither.

We return to R-Truth beating Gabriel in the corner who comes back with a spin kick. Husky Harris tries his hand and gets faked out by Truth who tags in Henry.  Henry takes some punches from Harris and decks him with one blow and a big scoop slam. Harris dodges a body slam and delivers a corner splash. Mike comes in and tries to run in on Mark in the corner too…getting completely raped by Henry instead. Bryan tags in and winds up on Mike, kicking him in the chest repeatedly. Bryan backflips out of the corner while for some reason Cole sings his praises. Bryan hits a big running dropkick to the jaw out of a German Suplex. Mike tries to come back but Harris makes a blind tag as Bryan goes for the LaBell lock. Harris crushes Bryan with a clothesline for two.

Bryan gets tossed to the enemy corner. Wade tags in to tear him apart and pick up two as Orton fumes at ringside like a horny teenager at a Victoria Secret show. Wade works a rest hold because he’s worked so hard so far this match. Wade delivers a slam when Bryan tries to rally and picks up two before dragging Bryan from a tag back to the Nexus corner. Members take turns working him over with kicks and quick trades. Heath fucks up by missing his kicks so badly that Bryan doesn’t even sell them and just stumbles out. Eath misses a corner attack entirely and knocks Miz off the apron to prevent a tag. Bryan plants Heath when he turns around and makes the tag to Orton.

Barrett tags in too and eats clotheslines and the power slam. Wade takes the suspended DDT that is botched a bit. Wade blocks an RKO and fights back with head butts. Orton escapes a Wasteland attempt and goes to his backbreaker for two. Mike stops the cover and Truth comes in to drop him. Gabriel super kicks him and Henry delivers the World’s Strongest Slam. Heath and Harris takes Henry over the top rope who lands on his head but Bryan comes off the top to dropkick them both in the face. Wade and Orton stumble up and Wade goes for Wasteland but they repeat the spot from earlier with the backbreaker. Orton signals an RKO and Otunga distracts Cena. Miz and Riley then attack Orton with the briefcase and the Skullcrushing Finale. Wade picks up the three count.
Winners: Nexus

Harris and Otunga have to hoist Wade as the victor. Otunga looks kind of funny and pissed while everyone is happy he won. I want to know why Otunga distracted Cena since there was nothing to distract Cena from unless Miz suddenly decided to beat up his own partner. Did he somehow know this? Is he psychic?

Highlight of the Night: Would give this to Santino easily. It was hilarious. I loved it.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s Cup Tag Match was pointless and a little painful to watch.

WWE “Creative” Award: Who writes Otunga’s dialogue? The guy talks like a self-help seminar.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).