Welcome back to the Raw
Rant now brought to you with 100% more ADAMANTIUM
RAGE. Also Nerd Rage. And regular Rage. Lots of
Rage….So. Much. Rage.
opens with no fanfare as we see Cena at a Nexus
podium to read from an olde timey scroll with which
he introduces Wade Barrett. Wade gets a mixed
reaction from the crowd since he’s got some home
country hype behind him. Nexus follow him out. Why
is there a car there? Heath Slater looks so excited
to wear a belt, but as if even he doesn’t know why
he has one. Josh Matthews and Cole are announcing
because King has a knee injuring…which prevents him
from sitting in a chair and talking. Manchester gets
much more excited when he promises he’s inviting
them all to a party. The assumption is of course
there will be alcohol and nothing gets the Brits
excited like drinking.
Wade rolls the footage
from Friday when Otunga gets beat on Smackdown. Wade
calls Otunga out for his many fuckups. The crowd
chants something I assume is in English, but not in
AMERICUN! So I couldn’t understand it. Wade berates
Otunga for embarrassing them on Smackdown and then
moves on to Cena. Nothing important is said that
hasn’t been said every day since this storyline
started so suffice to say it ends with Cena
threatening to beat Wade down. Wade forces Cena to
announce him the winner of the match as practice for
Survivor Series. I think he’s forgotten that the
referees do not announce the winners of matches so
Cena wouldn’t have to do that, retard. Orton
interrupts this before it can happen. Orton says he
can beat Wade no matter who the referee is.
Wade says he has an army of men behind him (gay) and
Orton doesn’t. Raw GM time. I think there was just a
suck it chant. The GM cancels Wade’s celebration
preview and says the match at the PPV can only be
won by pinfall or submission, and Nexus is banned.
The GM grants Orton an army in a ten man tag team
match for the main event with Cena as the
referee….again. Cena throws a fit and knocks over
the Nexus podium before shoving Otunga onto his ass
for no reason and storming off. Also there is a
Diva’s Cup later. I refuse to care.
Commercial Thought: Dallas fucking blows.
Back to the show where the divas are out to do a
soccar theme tag match. They call this the Pat
Patterson invitational. Sadly, the real version of
that event would involve Sylvan’s penis. They then
tell us there are six divas and one cup. Urge to
make shit joke rising…
Tamina & Maryse & Alicia Fox vs.
The Bellas & Eve Torres
Tamina starts out with Eve and crushes her with a
samoan drop for two. Maryse tags in and tries to get
a two count of her own. She taunts the Bellas and
works a camel (toe) clutch. Josh mentions that Cole
is a lacky for the GM, and Cole reminds him that he
isn’t seen reading any emails. Matthews says they
are bending it like Beckam. I wasn’t watching and at
some point Alicia an a Bella came in. Alicia
reversed a move into the weirdest botched body slam
ever. Bella gets a cross body for two and everybody
spills in, Maryse gives the French Kiss to the
Bella, but while the ref is distracted, they pull a
Bella Switch and Alicia Fox gets caught by a roll
up. Alicia Fox was oddly LOOKING RIGHT AT THEM WHEN
THIS HAPPENED, and still managed to fall for it.
Winners: Eve & Bellas
Nexus are in the back
and Otunga says nobody punks them when Wade comes in
on him talking it up like he’s in charge. Wade
reveals Otunga isn’t going to be allowed into the
match, and will instead face Cena in a one on one
Random Commercial Thought: Hulk Hogan
probably doesn’t know how to operate a fucking VCR,
let alone a touch screen.
Natalya and the
Dynasty are out to take on Jimmy and Jey, but Tamina
was apparently too lazy to follow them back out
after her match. Oh yay, reruns.
The Usos vs. The Hart Dynasty
Smith starts off with Jimmy and puts him down with a
suplex before knocking Jey off the Apron. He hits
them into each other and they stand around outside
for a long time before Tyson leaps off with a head
scissors onto Jey. He then throws Jimmy back in and
actually tries to hit an elbow drop off the top like
it was gonna work. Jey tags in and they start to
work Tyson over in the corner. Smith argues with
Natalya at ringside why Tyson is fighting back and
almost misses a tag opportunity. He crushes his Uso
of choice, whichever one it is, with suplexes which
was pretty cool. Smith gets two before ramming him
into a corner and then turning into the running
power slam for two. An Uso makes the save and Tyson
tries to take care of it only to eat a super kick at
ringside. Smith is trying for a Sharpshooter, but is
distracted by Jimmy and kicks him off the apron. Jey
super kicks Smith and finishes it with the Super Fly
for the win.
If you didn’t
predict the ending to this match, you are probably a
moron. Miss Cleo says, you fucking blind. In other
news, Santino invites Sheamus to a tea party
tonight. I’ll….I’ll just let that sink in.
Random Commercial Thought: I fight with fish.
Matt Striker interviews Orton in the back.
Hilariously he got Matthews normal position instead
of Striker getting to be a commentator. Orton finds
out he has The Miz on his team. Otunga has to give a
pep talk to Nexus about how awesome he is and that
he’s gonna rape Cena and hopes they have his back.
They ask if Wade knows about this. He says they
don’t need his permission. This has worked so well
Random Commercial Thought: Taco Shop
has a really weird commercial where the owner scours
his couch for change.
Back to the show for a
replay of Goldust getting owned by Aksana. He
painted black tears on his face. Maryse joins
him in the ring. She wasn’t as lazy as Tamina I
guess, and she actually did something in the match.
Goldust vs. Ted Dibiase w/ Maryse
Goldust takes control early and Ted tries to run but
gets chased back into the ring. Goldust gets his
inverted atomic drop, but Dibiase dodges the
uppercut attempt and clotheslines Dusty. Dibiase
keeps the pressure on and picks up a two count.
Dibiase chokes out Goldust on the ropes before
working a deadly chin lock. Goldust tries to fight
back and eats a clothesline for two as Cole says
King should give Goldust relationship advice. Maryse
finally gets the hint to go get the fucking belt
now. Goldust meanwhile takes control with his
uppercut and a bulldog for two. Goldust hit’s a
power slam out of the corner for another two. Aksana
now runs out to take the belt from Maryse. Goldust
gets distracted as Aksana runs off with the belt.
Dibiase tries to attack him from behind, but Goldust
just rolls him up for three. Haha, owned.
Goldust doesn’t seem to care and just
wanders off after Aksana. Like life, chasing giant
titties never ends well.
Thought: Why is there a Skeleton Key 2?
to the show where David Otunga comes out in a hoodie
to prove that Nexus has other clothes. Nexus follows
him but after Otunga gets in the ring, Wade appear
and takes Nexus back with him.
John Cena vs. David Otunga
Otunga makes a run for it up the ramp and Cena
chases him down, slamming him into the car at
ringside which is apparently perfectly legal. Cena
takes him back to the ring for a clothesline. Cena
plants him with a gut wrench suplex. Cena sets
Otunga up for a dropkick that is apparently supposed
to impress us, but being savvy viewers we’ve already
seen the magnificent splendor of Bob Holly’s
dropkick. Cena charges into a corner and misses,
hitting the ring post. Dueling chants over Cena get
huge, especially for the Cena Sucks side. Otunga
beats on Cena at ring side. Back in the ring, Otunga
hammers him down into the corner. Mostly just a
series of punches and kicks for a while until Otunga
misses an elbow drop and eats the entire Cena
offense including the protobomb and five knuckle
shuffle. Otunga decides to get raped by the FU and
Thought: Real men fight with trains.
is nursing his neck with an ice pack in the back
when Wade comes along to tell him he’s taking on
Edge on Smackdown and if he loses he’ll be out of
Nexus. Santino and Kozlov come out looking like they
are going to be in the music video for Puttin on the
Ritz. They say they are trying to blend in with
British Society. Mr. Bean and Benny Hill taught them
everything they needed to know about England. He
gets a big reaction from he crowd for a traffic joke
and a chant. He has a pretty extravagant tea set up.
Sheamus is definitely not properly dressed for tea.
Santino has a picture of Mr. T for Sheamus who now
says he understands Santino now who isn’t bad, just
misunderstood. He says he knew a man like Santino
who has one friend who was a donkey and called him
the village idiot. Santino also says that Sheamus
has anger issues either because he was exposed to
Gamma Rays or mistreated as a child for being a
Ginger. Where is Heath Slater when I need him?
Sheamus says Santino is so funny that he’s forgotten
why he hates him so lad reminds them. It’s fucking
hilarious. I actually love this. There’s a fucking
Kozlov chant. Tea is poured on pants. Tables are
thrown. The GM ruins the whole party. The Gm says
the time for tea and crumpets has come to an end.
It’s ALWAYS time for tea and crumpets. Kozlov is
ordered out of the ring because Sheamus is getting a
rematch with Santino.
Thought: What does Soldat van orange mean?
Santino peels off his suit and apparently has his
ring gear on under there. That’s kind of weird.
Santino Morella vs. Sheamus
keeps running from Sheamus and not wanting to
interact with him. Sheamus eventually chases him out
into the crowd. Shamus gets back in the ring while
Santino does a work out at ringside so the GM
interrupts things to make Santino decide to get in
the ring or be suspended immediately. He asks if he
has to do it right now. Matthews makes a good point
that a short suspension may be a way better idea.
Santino flexes his cobra arm and gets ran the fuck
down through the cobra. Shamus just stomps the shit
out of Sheamus in the corner and starts dragging him
around the ring. Santino begs for his life and then
punches Sheamus right in the balls Ric Flair style
so he celebrates.
of course dicks around too long and gets ran down by
the pump kick and kneed in the back of the head a
bunch of times before preparing for the High Cross.
Cole calls this the Irish Curse again because he’s
retarded. Morrison comes to the rescue and drops
Sheamus with a flash kick. Morrison then drags
Santino to safety. We see Cena in the back watching
the Wrestlemania commercial on TV. That was an odd
transition. After the commercial it zooms back out
and Wade is now watching it with him.
Commercial Thought: I block UV light with my FACE.
Back to the show where we get a preview for Kane vs.
Show on Smackdown. Oh, and Otunga. We get a video
segment of all the legacy superstars talking about
their history with their WWE families as part of the
Standup for WWE thing. It’s only 9:40 my time right
now and we are introducing Orton for the tag team
match. I’m very worried about how long this match is
going to be now. They start introducing his tag team
partners: R-Ruth, Daniel Bryan, Mark Henry, and The
Miz. Orton should have called in a trade for Henry.
What about CM Punk? He’s a pretty cool guy. Or that
Goldust cat. Cole and Alex Riley hug and high five
at ring side. Brotastic. Nexus and Cena arrive as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
vs. Nexus (Special Ref: John Cena)
Daniel and Gabriel start off. Bryan dropkicks
Gabriel apparently right in the balls when he tries
a leap frog. Mike tags in and Miz makes a blind tag
out of an Irish whip to clothesline Mike from
behind. He stomps Mike into the floor until Cena
drags him off. Iz chants build up big. Miz hits his
little riding kick in the corner that needs a name.
Miz asks for a tag and everyone just stares at him
for a bit until Orton takes it up. Orton crushes
Mike and tosses him to the corner and demands
Wade…who sends Heath in to the slaughter. Orton just
stomps him down and tags in Truth. Truth continues
to beat on Heath and ask us what is up. Truth does
his dance flip out of the corner to the side kick
for two but Gabriel breaks it up. Everyone hits the
ring but Wade stays out. The brawl ends when Nexus
take to the floor and Otunga comes out to the ring.
Random Commercial Thought: Remember that part of
Star Wars when Vader flew through like eight walls
then stood up like a badass unharmed? Me neither.
We return to R-Truth beating Gabriel in the corner
who comes back with a spin kick. Husky Harris tries
his hand and gets faked out by Truth who tags in
Henry. Henry takes some punches from Harris
and decks him with one blow and a big scoop slam.
Harris dodges a body slam and delivers a corner
splash. Mike comes in and tries to run in on Mark in
the corner too…getting completely raped by Henry
instead. Bryan tags in and winds up on Mike, kicking
him in the chest repeatedly. Bryan backflips out of
the corner while for some reason Cole sings his
praises. Bryan hits a big running dropkick to the
jaw out of a German Suplex. Mike tries to come back
but Harris makes a blind tag as Bryan goes for the
LaBell lock. Harris crushes Bryan with a clothesline
Bryan gets tossed to the enemy
corner. Wade tags in to tear him apart and pick up
two as Orton fumes at ringside like a horny teenager
at a Victoria Secret show. Wade works a rest hold
because he’s worked so hard so far this match. Wade
delivers a slam when Bryan tries to rally and picks
up two before dragging Bryan from a tag back to the
Nexus corner. Members take turns working him over
with kicks and quick trades. Heath fucks up by
missing his kicks so badly that Bryan doesn’t even
sell them and just stumbles out. Eath misses a
corner attack entirely and knocks Miz off the apron
to prevent a tag. Bryan plants Heath when he turns
around and makes the tag to Orton.
tags in too and eats clotheslines and the power
slam. Wade takes the suspended DDT that is botched a
bit. Wade blocks an RKO and fights back with head
butts. Orton escapes a Wasteland attempt and goes to
his backbreaker for two. Mike stops the cover and
Truth comes in to drop him. Gabriel super kicks him
and Henry delivers the World’s Strongest Slam. Heath
and Harris takes Henry over the top rope who lands
on his head but Bryan comes off the top to dropkick
them both in the face. Wade and Orton stumble up and
Wade goes for Wasteland but they repeat the spot
from earlier with the backbreaker. Orton signals an
RKO and Otunga distracts Cena. Miz and Riley then
attack Orton with the briefcase and the
Skullcrushing Finale. Wade picks up the three count.
Harris and Otunga have to
hoist Wade as the victor. Otunga looks kind of funny
and pissed while everyone is happy he won. I want to
know why Otunga distracted Cena since there was
nothing to distract Cena from unless Miz suddenly
decided to beat up his own partner. Did he somehow
know this? Is he psychic?
Highlight of the Night: Would
give this to Santino easily. It was hilarious. I
of the Night: Diva’s Cup Tag Match was
pointless and a little painful to watch.
WWE “Creative” Award:
Who writes Otunga’s dialogue? The guy talks like a