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By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the only show where you can see Ozzy be more boring than on his own show. Is it possible?! Probably. A small aside, this last week’s highlight in sports was definitely Rampage annihilating a door for how bad he sucks as a coach. Sucks to be him. Speaking of sucks, this week also features WWE wrestlers on Deal or No Deal and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? (They aren’t).

Raw 11.02.09

Ozzy opens the show in a thrown in the ring. We need some of those Ozzy subtitles. Sharon has to take over and decides to play some past clips of Ozzy in WWE. And oh my god that was the worst singing ever, even for Ozzy. He really phones that one in. The Miz eventually interrupts them….this can’t get worse. Oh my god they have the dumbest conversation ever with Sharon just saying “really” over and over to the point I don’t care. Miz demands his loss last week be struck from the record. They basically tell him to fuck off so Legacy comes out.

It got worse. Anyway they bitch about the car and something blah blah blah. Big Show! HOW DOES IT KEEP GETTING WORSE SOMEHOW?! Also Sharon manages to get like three more “really” comments in. Big Show demands compensation for the butt rape he got last week. DX come out to save the ratings they claim. Too late man. Too late. Trips rips off some Mick Foley style cheap pops to pimp their books. DX then dictate some matches to the Osbournes where Miz defends his belt against Bourne tonight. I forgot what Kingston got. Big Show tries to do the same but Trips intercepts to make it Jericho/BigShow/Cena in a triple threat match.

Random Commercial Thought; Mmm, Cheese.

Back to the show where our first match is about to get underway.

US Champion The Miz vs. Evan Bourne (US title Match)

Bourne gets stomped right into the ground before Miz tries to toss him to the floor only for Bourne to spring off the top rope and kick him to the floor. Bounre delivers a flying knee to the outside. Bourne gets caught on his way back in with a knee to the gut. He tries to come back but Miz shuts it down only to eat a viscious kick after Bourne counters a suplex with a knee. Bourne levels him with a kick to the back of the head but only picks up another two. Bourne sets up for Air Bourne, but he miss, landing on his feet. Miz counters a corner charge, tossing Bourne upside down into the corner and delivering the Skullcrushing Finale for three.
Winner: Miz

Random Commercial Thought: I’m hungry.

Back to the show where Sheamus is in the back preparing for….his rematch with Jamie Noble? WHY?! He says Ozzy’s career should have been over a long time ago (yeah…) and Jamie’s will be over (it already is). In the ring, Jamie “I’m not worth the theme music” Noble is in the ring already as Sheamus arrives.

Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble

Noble gets squashed like a Halloween Pumpkin in December (That’s all I got). It’s seriously just three minutes of Sheamus beating his ass before putting Noble down with the big back breaker and boot. He cover for two, pulling noble up and owning him in the corner. The ref has to pull him off twice and calls for the stop instead of the DQ he SHOULD get. He puts Noble on the turnbuckle and running kicks him to the floor.
Winner: Sheamus

Post match the ass kicking continues since we got nothing to do with a power bomb on the outside. Sheamus then produces an alter and suplexes Noble onto it where he sacrifices him to his gods of fertility and war.

Random Commercial Thought: I think with my dipstick too much I think.

Back to the show where we get a slow replay of what happened between Kingston and Orton last week. We get a brief interview with Kingston in the back where he talks about how he wants Orton to realize why he’s not champion anymore before we go to commercial…AGAIN?!

Random Commercial Thought: Sports video games suck when they are realistic.

Back to the show where Orton is on his way out for his match with Kingston now. Apparently this is the match we made for them earlier in the show during that part that wasn’t worth listening to. Oh well. SURPRISE!

Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton

They stare each other down until Orton bitchslaps Kofi. Kofi strikes back and starts pounding on Orton but Orton regains the advantage and stomps Kofi into the corner. Kofi rallies back and sends Orton to the floor for a suicide dive. He’s dragging Orton back in but Legacy saves Orton with no DQ somehow. Kofi suicide dives all three and Ozzy decides to make this a six man tag now with MVP and Henry. Is this some kind of black thing?

Random Commercial Thought: If I had a button that gave me a million dollars and killed someone every time I pressed it I’d get to pressing and make my money worth more by decreasing the surplus population.

Back to the show for a new match now.

Kofi Kingston & Mark Henry & MVP vs. Legacy

Kingston is being worked in a headlock (not surprised) by Dibiase. Kofi throws him off and has to take out all three Legacy members. He hits a neck breaker on Dibiase and tags in MVP. They deliver Ballin’ and whatever Boom Boom Boom has been changed to simultaneously and pick up the two. Henry makes the tag and Legacy try a double team but he just throws them off. Cody is in and gets crushed into a corner for MVP to tag ina and run right into his foot. Dumbass. MVP blocks some suplexes but Rhodes makes the tag and some distraction allows a double team. MVP picks up a two count. Orton is in finally and just starts delivering punches since heels lose most of their moveset and Orton only knew three to begin with. Orton gets tired of actually working and tags out to Rhodes who applies the headlock for him here.

MVP works up with some punches but Rhodes levels him with a dropkick for two. Orton is back in and starts stomping on MVP. He drags him up for a dropkick of his own as if to say that Rhodes isn’t the only useless guy who can do one of those. Where is Bob Holly when you need him? MVP starts to fight back but a sloppy drop toe hold takes him down. Orton misses a knee drop and hurts himself. He hit’s a second knee drop though making that segment entirely pointless. Orton picks up two and goes to a headlock. MVP makes a break for the tag, but he’s blocked by Rhodes only to throw him off and tag in Henry. Henry annihilates Rhodes in the corner and Orton comes form behind with an RKO. Kofi blocks it with a dropkick. Rhodes goes up top and dives into Henry’s arms for the Strongest Slam and three.
Winners: The Darkies

We find out that next will be Osbourne and wife hosting “Raw’s Got Talent”……help me. Oh god please help me.

Random Commercial Thought: I love lawyer commercials, they make me think, somewhere out there someone’s life sucks enough to need that specific service.

Back to the show where even King thinks this talent show idea is fucking dumb. I agree.

Hey look at this:

Also the third judge was Khali. Cole wanted to know what the criteria was to be a judge on this. I think it is you have be completely unintelligible in speech. I won. I was the only one with the talent to be able to watch this crap. Hopefully by the time you’ve finished looking at that link up there, you won’t notice I completely didn’t recap this segment at all. Does Sharon ever stop repeating one word phrases by the way? Well actually….Chris Masters flexing his pecks to the beat of Crazy Train was pretty good. For the record, Jillian sounds a lot like Ozzy. Anyway, segment ends with Chavo getting his family legacy raped some more and a tadpole splash from Hornswoggle. I heard something I never ever want to here again “Vintage Hornswoggle”. Well that was ten minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Diva battle royal is next (where are you going?) and is it just me or did Kelly get a new boob job?

Random Commercial Thought: The lead guys at Sony are actually colossal douche bags.

Back to the show where we find out next week’s host is another boxer. Yay? Also, girls in very little clothing in the ring. Yay? Yay.

Diva #1 Contender’s Battle Royal

Six girls battle royal here with “over the top” rules and all the girls pair off right away. They just have to fall to the floor in the diva version it doesn’t matter how. One of the Bella is flattened by a Gail Kim neck breaker. Gail uses a head scissor to try and eliminate a Bella but she eliminates herself instead. Wow. Jack Swagger comes to fawn over the diva Eve taking everyone out with dropkicks. She dropkicks one Bella to the floor and lightly kicks the other Bella out as well. Eve gets distracted and eliminated by Alicia who then almost gets carried out by Kelly. Kelly tries a reverse handspring elbow into Alicia in the corner, but Alicia catches her and hoists her out.
Winner: Alicia

I’d hit it. The crowd sounds almost offended at this prospect with sheer silence. We get a replay of Sheamus wrecking Noble as they try to get an update on him, but the paramedics have told them he was buried far too deep for them to determining his current state. We replay some Ozzy moments from tonight since the show hasn’t had enough filler yet apparently. I’m pretty sure it’s had more filler than a fucking Twinkie at this point.

Random Commercial Thought: Winning a communications award from a cable network is like winning an environmentalist award from Greenpeace.

Back to the show where for some reason we pad out the show even more with THE DAVE vs. Rey footage. It’s a little gay. Jericho approaches the Osbournes in the back to complain about how much they suck. Sharon tries out some more one-word responses. She should get a dictionary or thesaurus. Elsewhere, DX is trying to explain to Hornswoggle why he can’t be DX. They demand he refuse to chop himself for two weeks. They have him hanging by his shirt collar on a hook. Cena saves Horny and says you can’t hang leprechauns on hooks because his grandfather did only once….wait….what? DX talks about how confident they are they will beat Cena and he says they beat each other all the time. The Bella’s find this awkward and leave from just off camera apparently. Cena rips off the Two Words For You which pisses off Shawn’s super Lawyer Sense as we go to commercial. Is that plot point with Hornswoggle going anywhere?

Random Commercial Thought: I need some more alcohol.

Back to the show where we replay Big Show’s group butt-reaming. DX are dancing on the announce table. DX complains announcing isn’t easy with people yelling in your ear all the time. I’d like to say it’s Vince, but it’s probably just the voices in their heads. DX complain as everyone gets to the ring that the countdown to commercial is going and Cole needs to shut up (Maybe he could just shut up permanently?…please?)

Random Commercial Thought: The Rock is an astronaut and a tooth fairy?

WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho (Non-title Match)

Big Show is on the floor and Jericho gets hit by a Fisherman suplex for two. Cena tries to follow up but Big Show drags him to the floor and beats on Cena, tossing him to the ring where Jericho covers. Big Show breaks it up with an argument and stomps Cena into the corner. They take turns beating on Cena now but he tries to fight back only to bounce off of Show with a shoulder block. Jericho holds Cena for some chops from Show. Cole gets to correct Shawn in a math flub earning a hilarious “….Shut up Cole.” Cena gets a Jericho thrown into him in the corner. Big Show tries a butt ram butt misses and Cena goes to Jericho with a bulldog. Big Show comes back with a spear to shut him down.

Jericho picks up two but Show breaks it up and gets in his face. Jericho shoves Show and slaps him like an idiot so Show just throws him to the floor. Cena ducks the knock out punch and runs into a choke but he jumps out and scoops for the FU but Show falls on him. Show sets up the splash in the corner and misses it entirely. Triple H actually sat and took that move like a man last week. Cena starts fighting back and shoulder blocks Show to the floor. Jericho is back in, miraculously recovered. He takes the general Cena offense and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena scoops for the FU but Show is on the apron with the knock out punch for Jericho to fall into the three count.
Winner: Jericho

Post match Big Show and Jericho reconcile and put on the Walls and the camel clutch. DX run in to make a save but Shawn eats the big right hand from Show and Trips takes a code breaker. That could have gone better.

Highlight of the Night: Miz and Evan Bourne was oddly the best think of the whole night.

Lowlight of the Night: Raw’s Got Talent. Oh GOD.

WWE “Creative” Award: RAW’S GOT TALENT WTF?!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).