Welcome to the only
show where you can see Ozzy be more boring than on
his own show. Is it possible?! Probably. A small
aside, this last week’s highlight in sports was
definitely Rampage annihilating a door for how bad
he sucks as a coach. Sucks to be him. Speaking of
sucks, this week also features WWE wrestlers on Deal
or No Deal and Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?
opens the show in a thrown in the ring. We need some
of those Ozzy subtitles. Sharon has to take over and
decides to play some past clips of Ozzy in WWE. And
oh my god that was the worst singing ever, even for
Ozzy. He really phones that one in. The Miz
eventually interrupts them….this can’t get worse. Oh
my god they have the dumbest conversation ever with
Sharon just saying “really” over and over to the
point I don’t care. Miz demands his loss last week
be struck from the record. They basically tell him
to fuck off so Legacy comes out.
worse. Anyway they bitch about the car and something
blah blah blah. Big Show! HOW DOES IT KEEP GETTING
WORSE SOMEHOW?! Also Sharon manages to get like
three more “really” comments in. Big Show demands
compensation for the butt rape he got last week. DX
come out to save the ratings they claim. Too late
man. Too late. Trips rips off some Mick Foley style
cheap pops to pimp their books. DX then dictate some
matches to the Osbournes where Miz defends his belt
against Bourne tonight. I forgot what Kingston got.
Big Show tries to do the same but Trips intercepts
to make it Jericho/BigShow/Cena in a triple threat
Random Commercial Thought; Mmm,
Back to the show where our first
match is about to get underway.
US Champion The Miz vs. Evan Bourne (US title
Bourne gets stomped right into
the ground before Miz tries to toss him to the floor
only for Bourne to spring off the top rope and kick
him to the floor. Bounre delivers a flying knee to
the outside. Bourne gets caught on his way back in
with a knee to the gut. He tries to come back but
Miz shuts it down only to eat a viscious kick after
Bourne counters a suplex with a knee. Bourne levels
him with a kick to the back of the head but only
picks up another two. Bourne sets up for Air Bourne,
but he miss, landing on his feet. Miz counters a
corner charge, tossing Bourne upside down into the
corner and delivering the Skullcrushing Finale for
Thought: I’m hungry.
Back to the show where
Sheamus is in the back preparing for….his rematch
with Jamie Noble? WHY?! He says Ozzy’s career should
have been over a long time ago (yeah…) and Jamie’s
will be over (it already is). In the ring, Jamie
“I’m not worth the theme music” Noble is in the ring
already as Sheamus arrives.
Sheamus vs. Jamie Noble
squashed like a Halloween Pumpkin in December
(That’s all I got). It’s seriously just three
minutes of Sheamus beating his ass before putting
Noble down with the big back breaker and boot. He
cover for two, pulling noble up and owning him in
the corner. The ref has to pull him off twice and
calls for the stop instead of the DQ he SHOULD get.
He puts Noble on the turnbuckle and running kicks
him to the floor.
match the ass kicking continues since we got nothing
to do with a power bomb on the outside. Sheamus then
produces an alter and suplexes Noble onto it where
he sacrifices him to his gods of fertility and war.
Random Commercial Thought: I think with my dipstick
too much I think.
Back to the show where we
get a slow replay of what happened between Kingston
and Orton last week. We get a brief interview with
Kingston in the back where he talks about how he
wants Orton to realize why he’s not champion anymore
before we go to commercial…AGAIN?!
Commercial Thought: Sports video games suck when
they are realistic.
Back to the show where
Orton is on his way out for his match with Kingston
now. Apparently this is the match we made for them
earlier in the show during that part that wasn’t
worth listening to. Oh well. SURPRISE!
Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton
stare each other down until Orton bitchslaps Kofi.
Kofi strikes back and starts pounding on Orton but
Orton regains the advantage and stomps Kofi into the
corner. Kofi rallies back and sends Orton to the
floor for a suicide dive. He’s dragging Orton back
in but Legacy saves Orton with no DQ somehow. Kofi
suicide dives all three and Ozzy decides to make
this a six man tag now with MVP and Henry. Is this
some kind of black thing?
Thought: If I had a button that gave me a million
dollars and killed someone every time I pressed it
I’d get to pressing and make my money worth more by
decreasing the surplus population.
the show for a new match now.
Kofi Kingston & Mark Henry & MVP vs. Legacy
Kingston is being worked in a headlock (not
surprised) by Dibiase. Kofi throws him off and has
to take out all three Legacy members. He hits a neck
breaker on Dibiase and tags in MVP. They deliver
Ballin’ and whatever Boom Boom Boom has been changed
to simultaneously and pick up the two. Henry makes
the tag and Legacy try a double team but he just
throws them off. Cody is in and gets crushed into a
corner for MVP to tag ina and run right into his
foot. Dumbass. MVP blocks some suplexes but Rhodes
makes the tag and some distraction allows a double
team. MVP picks up a two count. Orton is in finally
and just starts delivering punches since heels lose
most of their moveset and Orton only knew three to
begin with. Orton gets tired of actually working and
tags out to Rhodes who applies the headlock for him
MVP works up with some punches but
Rhodes levels him with a dropkick for two. Orton is
back in and starts stomping on MVP. He drags him up
for a dropkick of his own as if to say that Rhodes
isn’t the only useless guy who can do one of those.
Where is Bob Holly when you need him? MVP starts to
fight back but a sloppy drop toe hold takes him
down. Orton misses a knee drop and hurts himself. He
hit’s a second knee drop though making that segment
entirely pointless. Orton picks up two and goes to a
headlock. MVP makes a break for the tag, but he’s
blocked by Rhodes only to throw him off and tag in
Henry. Henry annihilates Rhodes in the corner and
Orton comes form behind with an RKO. Kofi blocks it
with a dropkick. Rhodes goes up top and dives into
Henry’s arms for the Strongest Slam and three.
Winners: The Darkies
We find out that next
will be Osbourne and wife hosting “Raw’s Got
Talent”……help me. Oh god please help me.
Random Commercial Thought: I love lawyer
commercials, they make me think, somewhere out there
someone’s life sucks enough to need that specific
Back to the show where even King
thinks this talent show idea is fucking dumb. I
Hey look at this: http://www.tfsabridged.com/episodes/
Also the third judge was Khali.
Cole wanted to know what the criteria was to be a
judge on this. I think it is you have be completely
unintelligible in speech. I won. I was the only one
with the talent to be able to watch this crap.
Hopefully by the time you’ve finished looking at
that link up there, you won’t notice I completely
didn’t recap this segment at all. Does Sharon ever
stop repeating one word phrases by the way? Well
actually….Chris Masters flexing his pecks to the
beat of Crazy Train was pretty good. For the record,
Jillian sounds a lot like Ozzy. Anyway, segment ends
with Chavo getting his family legacy raped some more
and a tadpole splash from Hornswoggle. I heard
something I never ever want to here again “Vintage
Hornswoggle”. Well that was ten minutes of my life
I’ll never get back.
Diva battle royal is
next (where are you going?) and is it just me or did
Kelly get a new boob job?
Thought: The lead guys at Sony are actually colossal
Back to the show where we find
out next week’s host is another boxer. Yay? Also,
girls in very little clothing in the ring. Yay? Yay.
Diva #1 Contender’s Battle Royal
Six girls battle royal here with “over the top”
rules and all the girls pair off right away. They
just have to fall to the floor in the diva version
it doesn’t matter how. One of the Bella is flattened
by a Gail Kim neck breaker. Gail uses a head scissor
to try and eliminate a Bella but she eliminates
herself instead. Wow. Jack Swagger comes to fawn
over the diva Eve taking everyone out with
dropkicks. She dropkicks one Bella to the floor and
lightly kicks the other Bella out as well. Eve gets
distracted and eliminated by Alicia who then almost
gets carried out by Kelly. Kelly tries a reverse
handspring elbow into Alicia in the corner, but
Alicia catches her and hoists her out.
I’d hit it. The crowd sounds almost
offended at this prospect with sheer silence. We get
a replay of Sheamus wrecking Noble as they try to
get an update on him, but the paramedics have told
them he was buried far too deep for them to
determining his current state. We replay some Ozzy
moments from tonight since the show hasn’t had
enough filler yet apparently. I’m pretty sure it’s
had more filler than a fucking Twinkie at this
Random Commercial Thought: Winning a
communications award from a cable network is like
winning an environmentalist award from Greenpeace.
Back to the show where for some reason we pad out
the show even more with THE DAVE vs. Rey footage.
It’s a little gay. Jericho approaches the Osbournes
in the back to complain about how much they suck.
Sharon tries out some more one-word responses. She
should get a dictionary or thesaurus. Elsewhere, DX
is trying to explain to Hornswoggle why he can’t be
DX. They demand he refuse to chop himself for two
weeks. They have him hanging by his shirt collar on
a hook. Cena saves Horny and says you can’t hang
leprechauns on hooks because his grandfather did
only once….wait….what? DX talks about how confident
they are they will beat Cena and he says they beat
each other all the time. The Bella’s find this
awkward and leave from just off camera apparently.
Cena rips off the Two Words For You which pisses off
Shawn’s super Lawyer Sense as we go to commercial.
Is that plot point with Hornswoggle going anywhere?
Random Commercial Thought: I need some more alcohol.
Back to the show where we replay Big Show’s group
butt-reaming. DX are dancing on the announce table.
DX complains announcing isn’t easy with people
yelling in your ear all the time. I’d like to say
it’s Vince, but it’s probably just the voices in
their heads. DX complain as everyone gets to the
ring that the countdown to commercial is going and
Cole needs to shut up (Maybe he could just shut up
Thought: The Rock is an astronaut and a tooth fairy?
WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Big
Show vs. Chris Jericho (Non-title Match)
Big Show is on the floor and Jericho gets hit by a
Fisherman suplex for two. Cena tries to follow up
but Big Show drags him to the floor and beats on
Cena, tossing him to the ring where Jericho covers.
Big Show breaks it up with an argument and stomps
Cena into the corner. They take turns beating on
Cena now but he tries to fight back only to bounce
off of Show with a shoulder block. Jericho holds
Cena for some chops from Show. Cole gets to correct
Shawn in a math flub earning a hilarious “….Shut up
Cole.” Cena gets a Jericho thrown into him in the
corner. Big Show tries a butt ram butt misses and
Cena goes to Jericho with a bulldog. Big Show comes
back with a spear to shut him down.
picks up two but Show breaks it up and gets in his
face. Jericho shoves Show and slaps him like an
idiot so Show just throws him to the floor. Cena
ducks the knock out punch and runs into a choke but
he jumps out and scoops for the FU but Show falls on
him. Show sets up the splash in the corner and
misses it entirely. Triple H actually sat and took
that move like a man last week. Cena starts fighting
back and shoulder blocks Show to the floor. Jericho
is back in, miraculously recovered. He takes the
general Cena offense and the Five Knuckle Shuffle.
Cena scoops for the FU but Show is on the apron with
the knock out punch for Jericho to fall into the
Big Show and Jericho reconcile and put on the Walls
and the camel clutch. DX run in to make a save but
Shawn eats the big right hand from Show and Trips
takes a code breaker. That could have gone better.
Highlight of the Night: Miz and Evan Bourne
was oddly the best think of the whole night.
Lowlight of the Night: Raw’s Got Talent.
“Creative” Award: RAW’S GOT TALENT WTF?!
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).